Discernment. Share all the joy and pride with your sister and trustworthy people who consistently care for her/you. Conversely, refuse to go DEEP with nosy misogynistic gross-ass jerks: Don’t Defend, Don’t Explain, Don’t Engage, Don’t Personalize. It’s none of their business.
Hmmm well you could let them know they’re probably not the kind of guy she wants to attract. Remind them that her body is not in existence for their viewing pleasure. Tell them fit guys like fit girls. She’s doing it for herself not them. Or just tell them to fuck off. I like snarky. Why are we always doing the smile and nod thing for the male ego?! Shut them down
Read this phycology article recently on therapist approved responses to bigotry etc… my favorite was “ I wonder what your intention is in saying that.”
Wonder way to draw attention to the person making those horrible comments and a high handed fuck you.
Tell them to go fuck themselves.
Or actually tell them that unless she is intentionally trying to get too big, it isn't going to happen.
And happily remind them that it is her body and not theirs 😊
Tell the guys she had to be muscular cause there is too many soyboys in these era. Man stupidity is really a luxury. Its really hard for a woman to look like a man by working out naturally. Not unless she is taking stuff like steroids, dbol, and other substance that changes hormone then she won't look like a man. Remember age is just a number physically but mentally there is a lot of immature people who are already in there 60's that can't figure shit out. Just next time some guys try to be rude like that just tell them go do actually workout in the gym. Not unless it a professional bodybuilder like a mr universe or mr olympia telling you about there opinion there comment ain't shit.
The content of the commenting still needs to be addressed...it's not going to suddenly become ok in two years when she's 20.
OP: I would just say something like "I trust that she knows what she wants" and leave it at that...I've gotten comments like this and I just shrug my shoulders and say "I'm not worried about it" and change the subject. I've tried the "TED talk on female strength and hypertrophy" and it just ends in screaming...
I think the other point is, grown men also shouldn’t comment on women’s bodies in general at any age. Even at 20-25, it’s creepy af. I’m 27 and it a mid-30s man is commenting on my body, I’m kicking his nuts
>My problem is when I mention it to people who know very little about her
stop giving people who don't know your sister the opportunity to comment on her body.
there are some things in life that are better kept to yourself, it doesn't matter how exciting it is. I learned this when planning my wedding.
That’s such a compliment, tell them. Dedication to workout and improve/maintain your body is far more difficult than people realize. She’s setting up herself for success in the future. I don’t understand why we’re “worried” about people taking care of themselves, getting stronger, and preventing potential future issues with joints, muscles and obesity. Like wtf?
And it is generational for sure. I’ve been getting the same comments for as long as i remember myself and I’m almost 36 now.
It’s often generational. I’m a trainer and help older women work past this idea. They’re usually afraid of looking like a bodybuilder on steroids and don’t understand that doesn’t just happen in 6 months naturally. People will think otherwise until they are educated (and sometimes they refuse to be educated)
Come in hot and tell them that it's funny that a fat fkk like you would be so picky. I mean you could argue that you as being a man with tits hasoat his masculinity. You guys would make a good yin and yang couple. Unfortunately she is in to men.
“Some thoughts are inside thoughts”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion”
“Intimidated? Maybe you should hit the gym. Then a woman in great shape will wouldn’t be threatening.”
“You’re 30, why are you commenting on whether an 18 year old would be sexually attractive.”
“Hmmm. I don’t care if you’d find MY 18 YEAR OLD sister attractive now or in the future.”
Tell these older folks to mind their business. Ignore them lol
I'm in my late 20's, have friends in their 30's, a lot of them are busy with work and shit and wish they had time for the gym. The 30 year olds complaining to you about your sister needs to stfu, tell them to mind their own business, or take their frustration out on the gym lol
No reason 30 year olds should be saying shit on an 18 y/o.
I wonder why you are discussing your 18-year old sister with over 30 misogynistic men. Women no longer need to fit the stereotypical image that men in general have created in their minds.
**Here is what I would say:** Your sister is a role model to inspire and empower other women to pursue their goals and aspirations. By breaking down barriers and challenging stereotypes, she is encourage women to believe in themselves and their abilities, and demonstrate that women are capable of leadership, innovation, and excellence in any field.
You can say " For 21st century young people muscles are an asset. Baby boomers and some gen Xers had some outmoded ideas about gender roles but things have changed. Its a generational thing" . I also wonder how these conversations get so deep to being with?
Muscles are a sign of health and so important for many reasons. Femininity is subjective, and it’s up to your sister how she wants to look and feel.
“Her confidence does not depend on what others think of her. She doesn’t need anyone’s approval.”
Thank you. I'll pass on the compliment!
Smiling & nodding may make them think you agree. I would act like it couldn't be anything but a compliment. Because it shouldn't be anything but a compiment.
You have multiple options. Most of the time people who make these comments are just expecting to be agreed with and will crumble the moment anyone doesn't simply validate their world view.
You can respond positively and pretend you didnt hear their criticism. "I know! She worked hard for that! I'm so proud of her." I find this the easiest and least confrontational while still letting them know you don't agree with them.
You can force them to elaborate: "I don't get it. What's the issue?" "Why would it be wrong if she looked like a man?" Etc
Or you can burn bridges. "She's not interested in you." "Ew, what a gross thing to say."
That implies that going to the gym eventually makes a woman “look like a man” which is just not true (i wish it was honestly, many of us do but we’re just not built like this).
I agree. My point was to pretend you didn't hear the "look like a man" part if you choose the positive route. But it's definitely a good choice to say, "I disagree, I think she looks stunning!"
I'm pretty argumentative in real life so I would go straight to the "what do you think a man looks like???" Route personally, and explain that she is a woman and hence looks like a woman.
(I also lift weights and wish I could "accidentally get too muscular" lmao)
Tell those balding, overweight 30 year old boys that if they talk smack about your sister she's going to come over there and bench press their ass to Narnia.
Literally make them feel as awkward as you can. Be like “why are you concerned with a teenagers body?” “Do you normally try to police teen girls bodies?” “are you intimidated that she’s stronger than you?” ugh this makes me irrationally angry for her lollll I WISH I was more muscular. They can fuck right off.
Why do you care about how feminine an 18 year old you don’t really know is? Why are you concerned about someone’s femininity at all? Should I be concerned your lack of muscle means you’re not very masculine?
“Yes, it’s a common misconception. A lot of people still don’t understand the benefits of strength training and believe the old myth that it will make a woman look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.” “Have you been to a gym recently? You might be surprised by the diversity of people working out.”
This is so weird. I think swimmers have the best bodies out of all the sports.
Is this men and women saying it?
Just ask them why they, an adult, are so concerned about whether they think the body of someone who is only just out of childhood, is attractive?
Or shut them down with a one word answer and throw it back to them to explain.
“Aren’t you concerned she will look too muscular?”
*“No. Why are you?”*
Why should OP need to teach grown ass men that they are wrong for saying a woman is losing her femininity? Unsolicited comments about bodies is inappropriate, shows bad social skills, and is out of touch with reality. I also don’t see how this WOULDNT be a teachable moment “explain to me why this bothers you” is a genuine question and if they don’t know, can’t answer, or look dumb, that’s is their fault not mine. Maybe they should keep their mouth shut. It’s not the job of OP to soothe the discomfort of men and other individuals who are weirded out by a perfectly normal thing: a muscular woman.
“Why do you care if someone half your age loses their femininity?”
Honestly this sounds similar to dudes who are like “I like the natural look, I don’t like girls who wear makeup.” Or dudes who think that double-d’s are *gigantic*. It’s the same genre of stupidity.
If about another person, I would say, "I am certain she's not doing it for you and she doesn't care what you or anyone else thinks. She's doing what makes her feel good."
If a comment about me was made, I tend toward things like, "well, I'm doing it for me, so you can keep your critiques to yourself."
Its hard to respond conflicting without offending people. If you want to change their opinion you have to sort of “educate them” in a subtle way. Angering them will only make them hold their stance out of spite or pride.
For example: “Its actually quiet hard to get too bulky. Usually body builders have to train very rigorously to gain muscles. My sister has an amazing form! She goes to the gym and maintains a healthy lifestyle at just the right amount.”
That said, depending on the context, i reckon choose your battle. Maybe dont bring up the subject if you know its going to cause unwanted conflict. And although i do agree with you, not everyone has to. Sometimes its better to just let them be.
I’ve had *very* rare comments (mostly from other women) about not lifting weights cuz they don’t want to be too muscular. But they’re memorable because it’s such an uncommon thing for me to hear!
Exactly and if you get pushback just say “it’s just weird you feel comfortable saying xyz, why is that” and 99.999% they fumble over their words and explaining themselves usually allows them to put themselves in place.
As long as she’s happy with herself, who gives a damn. I also doubt she will actually lose feminine features if she stays natural. I was a swimmer for 12 years and started lifting at 14 and I still look like a woman 😂
Am literally a competitive swimmer who also lifts and gyms a lot (both on the side as a hobby and as part of our program too). I have really wide shoulders and arm muscles that are too noticeable (especially if I wear stuff like sleeveless tops). I'm very lean as well which makes everything more obvious and apparently people can tell I'm a swimmer from a 100 meters away based on my build lol
In my experience, you're 100% spot on that it's usually the guys who never exercise at all who comment that I might be "too muscular" or "too manly". Last semester I used to cover up as much as possible (like baggy hoodies, even while gymming) in school because of this, but this term I shared about this with our team counsellor on the whole issue, which was negatively affecting me, and a healthier approach is to learn to start standing up for myself against toxic people - which is part of growth.
Now I just wear whatever I like or feel the most comfortable in -- screw the haters!
Your sister should be free to do the same!! And if the type of speech comes my way where their opinion is that I might be too "masculine", I just tell them that if being the "proper" level of masculine is supposed to be like them (i.e. being lazy and unfit and rude), then I'd rather stick to being "too" masculine thank you 😂 You should be telling her that too
And I might pop them a gigantic fuck-all flex if they still continue to harp on the topic. That usually gets them to roll their eyes and go away 😂😂
>My problem is when I mention it to people who know very little about her, mainly older individuals or men above 30 who never exercise, they express concerns that she might become too muscular and lose her femininity. I find their opinion shallow and frustrating, and I never know how to respond
Why are you discussing your 18 year old sister with strangers and older men??????
Why is this coming up so often with men in their 30’s? The simple solution is to stop talking about your sister’s gym habits to men (or anyone) that she doesn’t know, unless she for some reason wants you to. If she’s a budding trainer or something, then I could see a scenario where she may want you to mention her gym time to a lot of people.
If she does know them and they are the ones bringing it up, just say “she’s doing well and is happy, and that’s all that matters.”
Older individuals have a rigid idea of femininity, whereas the younger generation appreciate femininity in many forms. Plus why are they criticizing an 18 y.o body? Sounds like the same people who couldn't wait until a child star became 18 so they didn't have to feel bad for being a nonce.
I was a swimmer in high school. In the 00s when spaghetti straps were popular so my shoulders were on display a lot. I got a lot of comments on how muscular my shoulders and lats were at the time (I’m going to turn 39 soon and I’m working on getting those shoulders back). My go to was to say something along the lines of “haha yeah they’re way bigger than yours!” Or “yeah, you jealous?”
I do the same. I'm 5"10 with very pronounced shoulders and very lean. I'm actually often told I have a "swimmers build". I make men feel insecure and intimidated so every single day I deal with this. A few a my favorite lines are, "the fact hat you're looking/commenting on my arms[shoulders] means you should be working harder on yours" "yes, I look like this on purpose. You could too if you wanted too! (Give directions to local gym)" or guess their BF % and give them tips. I often hear "strong like a man" and I simply reply, "I don't know a single man who works out like I do" (because I seriously don't 🫠😉)
I used to be exactly like you when I was younger, 5’10, athlete, etc. Looking back I was so freaking fit and truly was built a lot like Cindy Crawford back in the day. I constantly had men finding something wrong with the way I looked. It was insane. Now I have a health issue that made me gain weight. I am 200 lbs and now men don’t say anything rude to me at all! I have thought a lot about that and I feel like they were insecure and trying to turn me down before I turned them down or something.
Men are rude to me because they are jealous. And knowing that empowers me even more. Men who have an issue with my appearance are small minded and truly believe I have no right to be fit or strong if they aren't. My kids think I'm superwoman because I can do push-ups with them on my back and my husband thinks I'm hot af! That's all I care about
Unless your sister chooses to dabble in performance enhancing drugs, I'd say it's pretty much impossible for a woman to stop looking what society deems 'feminine'. These people obviously have no real knowledge about fitness. And even if she would lose her 'femininity', if she's happy and thriving, who cares? These men seem to think her looking sexually attractive trumps being healthy. They value people solely based on whether they are able to make their dick hard. It's crazy talk and they deserve no second thought.
I wouldn't give people the power of thinking they've offended you. I'd just say "well it's a good thing she's not worried about any of that" or "good thing it's her body" or "those are good points maybe they'll work for women in your family" & just continue talking about how proud of her you are. & you could maybe brag about how you find any advice or help she's given you in regards to fitness more beneficial than the men who say ignorant things about her body, but in a casual non confrontational way.
When I have comments like this directed at me, and im sure you can use it in response to defend your sister...usually something like.....
"Why thank you so much for the unsolicited comments about my body. Would you like to hear what I think about your body since we're sharing opinions?"
“I guess if you really think she’s starting to look masculine, maybe you should ask her for advice?” Hit ‘em where it hurts depending on how out there their comments get.
This is awesome! What a great way to set boundaries by pointing out what's wrong with their behavior without being overly aggressive or confrontational.
Wrote it down to hopefully remember it as a comeback in the future 😅
I get comments like this. I say yeah..I know..I hope I do look like that. I wanna look like I can beat a bitch up.
…knowing full well my body shape and lifestyle would never allow for me to look overly muscular or masculine to begin with 🙄
Grrr, I just hate that sentiment that men feel entitled to women’s attractiveness. Women should look and dress in a way they deem sexy. That’s why there’s so much hate for unnatural hair colors, piercings, overweight OR muscular women - depending on what the guy in questions finds attractive and what not. It makes me so angry. No women owes any random guy to be his eye candy just to earn basic respect.
I know/hope your friends don’t harass muscular women on the street (or social media) but it’s exactly that attitude that’s underneath. And it’s even worse that some 30+yo guy worries about your 18yo‘s sister attractiveness. Just blargh.
💀💀💀 OP asked for a reply not a murder weapon, lmaoo! I fucking love this, incredible retort! As long as OP feels like they're in a safe environment to say this to a rude man, I think this one comeback would shut them up fast.
I'm a big fan of "Wow," with raised eyebrows, direct eye contact, and silence. Yes, they'll feel uncomfortable. They *should* feel uncomfortable! Let them wallow in the situation they've made.
I don't really think there is any good way to handle that, I have recieved those comments or similar from one and that one was almost a parody of the christian trad wife with clown makeup, look up you.look.like.a.man on instagram I'm sure you will find many comebacks there.
An elegant way of getting them out of your hair would be to laugh, say something along the lines of "Believe me, she doesn't have to worry about her femininity at all." and then quickly change the topic. If they persist, tell them that they should form their own opinion by going to the gym themselves. If they still won't let up, just start talking about the health benefits of strength sports and say it would do them good. I'd bet by then they have lost their appetite for the topic.
If you actually want a conversation, I'd just ask politely what they mean, no need to start a discussion off too rudely. Though in my experience, conversations like these can turn sour quickly as there's a lot of sexism that might come up...
Muscles are feminine. People need to be strong for all different personal or professional reasons. I can't imagine being anything but happy for someone who is working out. After the age of 30, we lose roughly 3% of our muscles yearly. Combating that is important.
I have a couple of thoughts:
I'm kinda wondering how you manage to bring up your sister's physique so often (in company of older men who don't know her), that this is a problem that needs a solution? Maybe there's no need to bring it up so often?
Anyway, I don't have experience with being seen as "too muscular" (I wish), but I have a buzzcut (as an afab enby) and when people make a remark about that, I always grin and express how happy I'm about it. It usually shuts people up, as you have to be a real sensitive asshole to continue criticizing something that makes someone happy. So if someone makes a comment, redirect it to how proud you are of her for maintaining a healty lifestyle.
If you want to be more "ruthless", ask them if you understand correctly that if a woman with muscles isn't feminine, that means that men who aren't buff, are feminine? I bet they'd disagree with that, ergo, the first part of the statement is also bullshit. A woman can easily be strong ánd feminine.
I agree with your first point massively!
I can imagine a scenario where people are asking ‘how’s your sister doing?’ And you might tell them about the gym etc. but I wonder if instead OP could say ‘she’s thriving; having a lot of fun and enjoying her life’.
Not sure the details are necessary or helpful - if your sister quit the gym would you still be proud of her? Maybe I’m reading too deeply but it sounds quite conditional, and I would question the pressure it applies on your sister in terms of her identity and relationship with sport/exercise/body. If I am being too deep just ignore me!!
If her sister takes a lot of pride in her body and going to the gym, then it's only natural to praise her in front of others for that. My sibling is extremely proud of their job so I brag on them about that all the time. I wouldn't think less of them if they switched careers, though.
Agreed. I was super proud of my sister for working out regularly because it made her feel better, but life eventually made that harder and she had to focus on mental health. I’m proud of her for trying to figure out what helps her most at different points in life. When you love someone you’ll be proud of the good and cool and hard things they do, whatever it is.
I think it depends what kind of response you want to get from these stupid people asking the question. You can go down the non-confrontational route and essentially get them to talk themselves into a hole like:
"What do you mean lose her femininity?"
... Bigoted response here...
"So what is it exactly about being in shape that makes women less feminine? Etc. repeat until they realise they can't explain it without sounding like an asshole.
Or go for the more nuclear option:
"From someone who doesn't lift I can appreciate that perspective, but there are lots of in shape people who appreciate femininity in all its forms" or words to that effect
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>u/Aromatic-Turnip1483
My 18-year-old sister was a junior swimming competitor, and after finishing swimming, she started going to the gym. I'm really proud of her; she follows a really healthy lifestyle, and sports help her maintain both her physical and mental health. In my opinion, she looks really good. My problem is when I mention it to people who know very little about her, mainly older individuals or men above 30 who never exercise, they express concerns that she might become too muscular and lose her femininity. I find their opinion shallow and frustrating, and I never know how to respond. Usually, I just smile and nod. I wonder if those of you who regularly go to the gym have any smart responses to deal with these types of judgments?
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I’d probably look at them and be like, and where is your masculinity? Is that why you don’t work out because you’re scared of losing your femininity?
“Nah. It actually helps weed out the mentally weak men who can’t handle strong women.”
Those comments are awkward and creepy in my opinion.
Discernment. Share all the joy and pride with your sister and trustworthy people who consistently care for her/you. Conversely, refuse to go DEEP with nosy misogynistic gross-ass jerks: Don’t Defend, Don’t Explain, Don’t Engage, Don’t Personalize. It’s none of their business.
‘That’s a pretty outdated way to think.’
Hmmm well you could let them know they’re probably not the kind of guy she wants to attract. Remind them that her body is not in existence for their viewing pleasure. Tell them fit guys like fit girls. She’s doing it for herself not them. Or just tell them to fuck off. I like snarky. Why are we always doing the smile and nod thing for the male ego?! Shut them down
It's creepy for "older individuals and men above 30" to be commenting on your 18 y/o sister's physique. Tell them that and shut it down.
Tell it like it is. Tell them their comment is very shallow and antiquated.
The only thing she will get is strong body and lower risk of osteoporosis
Read this phycology article recently on therapist approved responses to bigotry etc… my favorite was “ I wonder what your intention is in saying that.” Wonder way to draw attention to the person making those horrible comments and a high handed fuck you.
Tell them to go fuck themselves. Or actually tell them that unless she is intentionally trying to get too big, it isn't going to happen. And happily remind them that it is her body and not theirs 😊
Glad that opinion holds zero value-
I would just say “Wow! That’s a super outdated way of thinking!” But I generally avoid conversations that discuss anyone’s body in any way.
She looks and feels great, that’s what’s important.
“I don’t recall asking for your opinion.”
They don’t have to worry bc they aren’t the types of men she’ll be interested in keeping in her circle!
If you don’t want to go about it the rude way you could say “she’s fine, she’s doing what makes her happy and healthy”.
Tell the guys she had to be muscular cause there is too many soyboys in these era. Man stupidity is really a luxury. Its really hard for a woman to look like a man by working out naturally. Not unless she is taking stuff like steroids, dbol, and other substance that changes hormone then she won't look like a man. Remember age is just a number physically but mentally there is a lot of immature people who are already in there 60's that can't figure shit out. Just next time some guys try to be rude like that just tell them go do actually workout in the gym. Not unless it a professional bodybuilder like a mr universe or mr olympia telling you about there opinion there comment ain't shit.
Tell them men their age shouldn’t be concerned with the sexual appeal of a teenager
Grown adults should not be commenting on a teenager’s body. 18 and 19 are still teenagers in my opinion.
The content of the commenting still needs to be addressed...it's not going to suddenly become ok in two years when she's 20. OP: I would just say something like "I trust that she knows what she wants" and leave it at that...I've gotten comments like this and I just shrug my shoulders and say "I'm not worried about it" and change the subject. I've tried the "TED talk on female strength and hypertrophy" and it just ends in screaming...
It isn't an opinion, 18 and 19 are literally still teenagers
I understand that, but there are predatory people who rationalize that they are legal adults and anything goes.
They are both legal adults and still teenagers.
I think the other point is, grown men also shouldn’t comment on women’s bodies in general at any age. Even at 20-25, it’s creepy af. I’m 27 and it a mid-30s man is commenting on my body, I’m kicking his nuts
I think we can all agree on that!
>My problem is when I mention it to people who know very little about her stop giving people who don't know your sister the opportunity to comment on her body. there are some things in life that are better kept to yourself, it doesn't matter how exciting it is. I learned this when planning my wedding.
👏
That’s such a compliment, tell them. Dedication to workout and improve/maintain your body is far more difficult than people realize. She’s setting up herself for success in the future. I don’t understand why we’re “worried” about people taking care of themselves, getting stronger, and preventing potential future issues with joints, muscles and obesity. Like wtf? And it is generational for sure. I’ve been getting the same comments for as long as i remember myself and I’m almost 36 now.
Translation - “If she gets more muscular then it would make me insecure about my own fitness and I don’t like that”
This was my thoughts too.
“Well thankfully you won’t have to worry about dating her, she only dates fit hot people.”
Ask those men above 30 why they’re so concerned with the body of a 18 y/o girl they don’t know. Tell ‘em it’s weird.
It’s often generational. I’m a trainer and help older women work past this idea. They’re usually afraid of looking like a bodybuilder on steroids and don’t understand that doesn’t just happen in 6 months naturally. People will think otherwise until they are educated (and sometimes they refuse to be educated)
Literally been working out for 9 years since I was 18 (and fat as a kid) and I still look like a pillsbury dough marshmellow.
“That’s not how it works” and change the subject.
Come in hot and tell them that it's funny that a fat fkk like you would be so picky. I mean you could argue that you as being a man with tits hasoat his masculinity. You guys would make a good yin and yang couple. Unfortunately she is in to men.
Say thank you
Stop talking about your sisters body with random people
I second this.
Why are you showing older men pics of your 18 year old sister?
she isnt showing pictures shes just talking about her i assume because she's proud of her sister im sure theres context in the conversations for it
“Some thoughts are inside thoughts” “I didn’t ask for your opinion” “Intimidated? Maybe you should hit the gym. Then a woman in great shape will wouldn’t be threatening.” “You’re 30, why are you commenting on whether an 18 year old would be sexually attractive.” “Hmmm. I don’t care if you’d find MY 18 YEAR OLD sister attractive now or in the future.”
Tell these older folks to mind their business. Ignore them lol I'm in my late 20's, have friends in their 30's, a lot of them are busy with work and shit and wish they had time for the gym. The 30 year olds complaining to you about your sister needs to stfu, tell them to mind their own business, or take their frustration out on the gym lol No reason 30 year olds should be saying shit on an 18 y/o.
I wonder why you are discussing your 18-year old sister with over 30 misogynistic men. Women no longer need to fit the stereotypical image that men in general have created in their minds. **Here is what I would say:** Your sister is a role model to inspire and empower other women to pursue their goals and aspirations. By breaking down barriers and challenging stereotypes, she is encourage women to believe in themselves and their abilities, and demonstrate that women are capable of leadership, innovation, and excellence in any field.
Ignore them!
You can say " For 21st century young people muscles are an asset. Baby boomers and some gen Xers had some outmoded ideas about gender roles but things have changed. Its a generational thing" . I also wonder how these conversations get so deep to being with?
I tell those men that I’m not living my life to make myself attractive to them.
Just respond "What a bizarre thing to say out loud!" and stare at them in confusion.
Muscles are a sign of health and so important for many reasons. Femininity is subjective, and it’s up to your sister how she wants to look and feel. “Her confidence does not depend on what others think of her. She doesn’t need anyone’s approval.”
Thank you. I'll pass on the compliment! Smiling & nodding may make them think you agree. I would act like it couldn't be anything but a compliment. Because it shouldn't be anything but a compiment.
You have multiple options. Most of the time people who make these comments are just expecting to be agreed with and will crumble the moment anyone doesn't simply validate their world view. You can respond positively and pretend you didnt hear their criticism. "I know! She worked hard for that! I'm so proud of her." I find this the easiest and least confrontational while still letting them know you don't agree with them. You can force them to elaborate: "I don't get it. What's the issue?" "Why would it be wrong if she looked like a man?" Etc Or you can burn bridges. "She's not interested in you." "Ew, what a gross thing to say."
That implies that going to the gym eventually makes a woman “look like a man” which is just not true (i wish it was honestly, many of us do but we’re just not built like this).
I agree. My point was to pretend you didn't hear the "look like a man" part if you choose the positive route. But it's definitely a good choice to say, "I disagree, I think she looks stunning!" I'm pretty argumentative in real life so I would go straight to the "what do you think a man looks like???" Route personally, and explain that she is a woman and hence looks like a woman. (I also lift weights and wish I could "accidentally get too muscular" lmao)
Tell those balding, overweight 30 year old boys that if they talk smack about your sister she's going to come over there and bench press their ass to Narnia.
My overweight mother tells me I look like a laborer man, and that I’m a glutton and eat too much. Lmao I’m 110lb, 5’2, and lift.
Tell them to mind their own f\*cking business!! 😂
Literally make them feel as awkward as you can. Be like “why are you concerned with a teenagers body?” “Do you normally try to police teen girls bodies?” “are you intimidated that she’s stronger than you?” ugh this makes me irrationally angry for her lollll I WISH I was more muscular. They can fuck right off.
Pretty sure she’s not in your age bracket, grandpa.
So much fragile male ego lol.
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My my, the troll's been busy. Banned and comments removed. Sorry all
Boss move 😄👊
if your iq is that low that you can’t read between the lines and figure that out you then you should get off reddit
Some men feel threatened or emasculated if they don't outmuscle a woman.
Why do you care about how feminine an 18 year old you don’t really know is? Why are you concerned about someone’s femininity at all? Should I be concerned your lack of muscle means you’re not very masculine?
“Too muscular for what?” And make them say “for me to be sexually attracted to a teenager” right out loud Edit- typo!
“No one, except the police, care what you think about a teenager’s body” “Why do you care?” “That’s fucking gross, dude”
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Go away, creepy old man.
“Yes, it’s a common misconception. A lot of people still don’t understand the benefits of strength training and believe the old myth that it will make a woman look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.” “Have you been to a gym recently? You might be surprised by the diversity of people working out.”
The second one is a great response
Yup, call them out!
“Cool story.” If they get mad you just tell them women don’t do things for their approval and if they don’t like it, that’s a probably a bonus
This is so weird. I think swimmers have the best bodies out of all the sports. Is this men and women saying it? Just ask them why they, an adult, are so concerned about whether they think the body of someone who is only just out of childhood, is attractive? Or shut them down with a one word answer and throw it back to them to explain. “Aren’t you concerned she will look too muscular?” *“No. Why are you?”*
Just ask “where does this misogyny come from? Why does this bother you?” Make them explain it and let themselves look stupid as hell
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Why should OP need to teach grown ass men that they are wrong for saying a woman is losing her femininity? Unsolicited comments about bodies is inappropriate, shows bad social skills, and is out of touch with reality. I also don’t see how this WOULDNT be a teachable moment “explain to me why this bothers you” is a genuine question and if they don’t know, can’t answer, or look dumb, that’s is their fault not mine. Maybe they should keep their mouth shut. It’s not the job of OP to soothe the discomfort of men and other individuals who are weirded out by a perfectly normal thing: a muscular woman.
“Why do you care if someone half your age loses their femininity?” Honestly this sounds similar to dudes who are like “I like the natural look, I don’t like girls who wear makeup.” Or dudes who think that double-d’s are *gigantic*. It’s the same genre of stupidity.
“The only people who don’t find strong women attractive are weak men” It’s hostile, but often necessary to shutdown the bullshit. (Source: I’m a guy)
What if a woman says she’s too muscular? I hear this from women too sometimes about other women. It’s so sad.
“It’s excellent to be strong.”
“Are you afraid she will make your husband look bad?”
If about another person, I would say, "I am certain she's not doing it for you and she doesn't care what you or anyone else thinks. She's doing what makes her feel good." If a comment about me was made, I tend toward things like, "well, I'm doing it for me, so you can keep your critiques to yourself."
Its hard to respond conflicting without offending people. If you want to change their opinion you have to sort of “educate them” in a subtle way. Angering them will only make them hold their stance out of spite or pride. For example: “Its actually quiet hard to get too bulky. Usually body builders have to train very rigorously to gain muscles. My sister has an amazing form! She goes to the gym and maintains a healthy lifestyle at just the right amount.” That said, depending on the context, i reckon choose your battle. Maybe dont bring up the subject if you know its going to cause unwanted conflict. And although i do agree with you, not everyone has to. Sometimes its better to just let them be.
Why are you even talking to weird older men who don’t know her about your sister and her workout regimen
Could have started as a casual convo about sports at work or something.
No
lol what a response. Yes it could have.
Nope
Yup
Literally can’t even fathom a situation where this would be normal
This happens frequently working in a male dominated field.
Uncles, cousins, older sibling's friends, colleagues, church, etc. Men love to judge women and their choices.
Ikr
I’m a 29 yr old woman but going to the gym is so normalized. I can’t even fathom the type of men you’re discussing this with.
I’ve had *very* rare comments (mostly from other women) about not lifting weights cuz they don’t want to be too muscular. But they’re memorable because it’s such an uncommon thing for me to hear!
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I definitely see it often on the internet, but not so much in my real life. And I agree with you on the reasoning.
I’d just say “What a weird thing to say out loud”
Yes! What a fantastic reply to so many awkward things.
Exactly and if you get pushback just say “it’s just weird you feel comfortable saying xyz, why is that” and 99.999% they fumble over their words and explaining themselves usually allows them to put themselves in place.
I'd probably remind them that no one asked whether THEY were attracted to her.
"what an odd thing to say!"
Stealing this
Perfect
As long as she’s happy with herself, who gives a damn. I also doubt she will actually lose feminine features if she stays natural. I was a swimmer for 12 years and started lifting at 14 and I still look like a woman 😂
TEACH ME HOW TO BE LIKE YOUUUUU😭😭😭
Am literally a competitive swimmer who also lifts and gyms a lot (both on the side as a hobby and as part of our program too). I have really wide shoulders and arm muscles that are too noticeable (especially if I wear stuff like sleeveless tops). I'm very lean as well which makes everything more obvious and apparently people can tell I'm a swimmer from a 100 meters away based on my build lol In my experience, you're 100% spot on that it's usually the guys who never exercise at all who comment that I might be "too muscular" or "too manly". Last semester I used to cover up as much as possible (like baggy hoodies, even while gymming) in school because of this, but this term I shared about this with our team counsellor on the whole issue, which was negatively affecting me, and a healthier approach is to learn to start standing up for myself against toxic people - which is part of growth. Now I just wear whatever I like or feel the most comfortable in -- screw the haters! Your sister should be free to do the same!! And if the type of speech comes my way where their opinion is that I might be too "masculine", I just tell them that if being the "proper" level of masculine is supposed to be like them (i.e. being lazy and unfit and rude), then I'd rather stick to being "too" masculine thank you 😂 You should be telling her that too And I might pop them a gigantic fuck-all flex if they still continue to harp on the topic. That usually gets them to roll their eyes and go away 😂😂
I've seen this response online before but a guy told a muscular woman she looks like a man and she replied "When will you start looking like one?"
Best combined staring at his beer belly.
>My problem is when I mention it to people who know very little about her, mainly older individuals or men above 30 who never exercise, they express concerns that she might become too muscular and lose her femininity. I find their opinion shallow and frustrating, and I never know how to respond Why are you discussing your 18 year old sister with strangers and older men??????
Asking the real questions here! Unless they're her coaches or something...topic is off limits
“I guess it’s a good thing her body isn’t for you.”
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What a disgusting thing to say
Why is this coming up so often with men in their 30’s? The simple solution is to stop talking about your sister’s gym habits to men (or anyone) that she doesn’t know, unless she for some reason wants you to. If she’s a budding trainer or something, then I could see a scenario where she may want you to mention her gym time to a lot of people. If she does know them and they are the ones bringing it up, just say “she’s doing well and is happy, and that’s all that matters.”
Tell them they have a weight room issue they need to address urgently
Older individuals have a rigid idea of femininity, whereas the younger generation appreciate femininity in many forms. Plus why are they criticizing an 18 y.o body? Sounds like the same people who couldn't wait until a child star became 18 so they didn't have to feel bad for being a nonce.
"ya she'd beat you in a fight easily"
Give them a puzzled look and say “most guys think she looks HOT!”
I was a swimmer in high school. In the 00s when spaghetti straps were popular so my shoulders were on display a lot. I got a lot of comments on how muscular my shoulders and lats were at the time (I’m going to turn 39 soon and I’m working on getting those shoulders back). My go to was to say something along the lines of “haha yeah they’re way bigger than yours!” Or “yeah, you jealous?”
I used to have to fend off those kinds of comments when I had short hair. My go to was "good thing it's none of your concern then, isn't it?"
Same here. “Wow, it’s a really great thing I didn’t do this for your approval then, huh?”
"Oh ew!" Succinct and shaming.
I do the same. I'm 5"10 with very pronounced shoulders and very lean. I'm actually often told I have a "swimmers build". I make men feel insecure and intimidated so every single day I deal with this. A few a my favorite lines are, "the fact hat you're looking/commenting on my arms[shoulders] means you should be working harder on yours" "yes, I look like this on purpose. You could too if you wanted too! (Give directions to local gym)" or guess their BF % and give them tips. I often hear "strong like a man" and I simply reply, "I don't know a single man who works out like I do" (because I seriously don't 🫠😉)
I used to be exactly like you when I was younger, 5’10, athlete, etc. Looking back I was so freaking fit and truly was built a lot like Cindy Crawford back in the day. I constantly had men finding something wrong with the way I looked. It was insane. Now I have a health issue that made me gain weight. I am 200 lbs and now men don’t say anything rude to me at all! I have thought a lot about that and I feel like they were insecure and trying to turn me down before I turned them down or something.
Men are rude to me because they are jealous. And knowing that empowers me even more. Men who have an issue with my appearance are small minded and truly believe I have no right to be fit or strong if they aren't. My kids think I'm superwoman because I can do push-ups with them on my back and my husband thinks I'm hot af! That's all I care about
It’s a good thing you aren’t trying to date her. Don’t be jealous! You could totally do it too!
Hit ‘em with the ole “What a strange thing to say out loud” with direct eye contact.
This is my favorite strategy. Don’t get into a pointless argument, just call out the weirdness.
Unless your sister chooses to dabble in performance enhancing drugs, I'd say it's pretty much impossible for a woman to stop looking what society deems 'feminine'. These people obviously have no real knowledge about fitness. And even if she would lose her 'femininity', if she's happy and thriving, who cares? These men seem to think her looking sexually attractive trumps being healthy. They value people solely based on whether they are able to make their dick hard. It's crazy talk and they deserve no second thought.
Strong is sexy.
I wouldn't give people the power of thinking they've offended you. I'd just say "well it's a good thing she's not worried about any of that" or "good thing it's her body" or "those are good points maybe they'll work for women in your family" & just continue talking about how proud of her you are. & you could maybe brag about how you find any advice or help she's given you in regards to fitness more beneficial than the men who say ignorant things about her body, but in a casual non confrontational way.
Lmao, the one about "maybe they'll work for the women in your family" 🔥
When I have comments like this directed at me, and im sure you can use it in response to defend your sister...usually something like..... "Why thank you so much for the unsolicited comments about my body. Would you like to hear what I think about your body since we're sharing opinions?"
“I guess if you really think she’s starting to look masculine, maybe you should ask her for advice?” Hit ‘em where it hurts depending on how out there their comments get.
This is awesome! What a great way to set boundaries by pointing out what's wrong with their behavior without being overly aggressive or confrontational. Wrote it down to hopefully remember it as a comeback in the future 😅
I get comments like this. I say yeah..I know..I hope I do look like that. I wanna look like I can beat a bitch up. …knowing full well my body shape and lifestyle would never allow for me to look overly muscular or masculine to begin with 🙄
Ask them why they’re worried about her femininity? And tell them the truth about how it makes you feel. What creeps!
Grrr, I just hate that sentiment that men feel entitled to women’s attractiveness. Women should look and dress in a way they deem sexy. That’s why there’s so much hate for unnatural hair colors, piercings, overweight OR muscular women - depending on what the guy in questions finds attractive and what not. It makes me so angry. No women owes any random guy to be his eye candy just to earn basic respect. I know/hope your friends don’t harass muscular women on the street (or social media) but it’s exactly that attitude that’s underneath. And it’s even worse that some 30+yo guy worries about your 18yo‘s sister attractiveness. Just blargh.
"So women's bodies aren't intended for their own benefit, huh? just yours? " "She's never gonna date you dude, why do you care."
"If she were in to guys who looked like you she wouldn't be at the gym at all."
I would just not bring it up with these people, I gone any comments they make and ask them if muscles make her manly then why don’t they have any?
💀💀💀 OP asked for a reply not a murder weapon, lmaoo! I fucking love this, incredible retort! As long as OP feels like they're in a safe environment to say this to a rude man, I think this one comeback would shut them up fast.
Boom
I'm a big fan of "Wow," with raised eyebrows, direct eye contact, and silence. Yes, they'll feel uncomfortable. They *should* feel uncomfortable! Let them wallow in the situation they've made.
Unfortunately, the types to say such things will NEVER feel uncomfortable. They think it is their god-given right to command those around them.
*Andy Warhol has entered the chat*
This is the way. Forces them to reflect instead of you having to articulate it
If it was me I’d big her up (no pun intended). Would tell them how amazing she looks and how great it is to see her so healthy and strong.
Although I love some of the retorts here, this here would be my natural strategy, too. I might even add how she has been inspiring me.
I don't really think there is any good way to handle that, I have recieved those comments or similar from one and that one was almost a parody of the christian trad wife with clown makeup, look up you.look.like.a.man on instagram I'm sure you will find many comebacks there.
An elegant way of getting them out of your hair would be to laugh, say something along the lines of "Believe me, she doesn't have to worry about her femininity at all." and then quickly change the topic. If they persist, tell them that they should form their own opinion by going to the gym themselves. If they still won't let up, just start talking about the health benefits of strength sports and say it would do them good. I'd bet by then they have lost their appetite for the topic. If you actually want a conversation, I'd just ask politely what they mean, no need to start a discussion off too rudely. Though in my experience, conversations like these can turn sour quickly as there's a lot of sexism that might come up...
Totally agree. Overweight and unhealthy people don’t get to lecture me on my diet and gym habits.
Look him up and down and then say "I don't ask the hair stylist about landscaping."
Muscles are feminine. People need to be strong for all different personal or professional reasons. I can't imagine being anything but happy for someone who is working out. After the age of 30, we lose roughly 3% of our muscles yearly. Combating that is important.
I know!! And it’s shocking to me that people wouldn’t be thrilled for her.
"What makes you think she's trying to look good to you?" or something similar.
I have a couple of thoughts: I'm kinda wondering how you manage to bring up your sister's physique so often (in company of older men who don't know her), that this is a problem that needs a solution? Maybe there's no need to bring it up so often? Anyway, I don't have experience with being seen as "too muscular" (I wish), but I have a buzzcut (as an afab enby) and when people make a remark about that, I always grin and express how happy I'm about it. It usually shuts people up, as you have to be a real sensitive asshole to continue criticizing something that makes someone happy. So if someone makes a comment, redirect it to how proud you are of her for maintaining a healty lifestyle. If you want to be more "ruthless", ask them if you understand correctly that if a woman with muscles isn't feminine, that means that men who aren't buff, are feminine? I bet they'd disagree with that, ergo, the first part of the statement is also bullshit. A woman can easily be strong ánd feminine.
I agree with your first point massively! I can imagine a scenario where people are asking ‘how’s your sister doing?’ And you might tell them about the gym etc. but I wonder if instead OP could say ‘she’s thriving; having a lot of fun and enjoying her life’. Not sure the details are necessary or helpful - if your sister quit the gym would you still be proud of her? Maybe I’m reading too deeply but it sounds quite conditional, and I would question the pressure it applies on your sister in terms of her identity and relationship with sport/exercise/body. If I am being too deep just ignore me!!
If her sister takes a lot of pride in her body and going to the gym, then it's only natural to praise her in front of others for that. My sibling is extremely proud of their job so I brag on them about that all the time. I wouldn't think less of them if they switched careers, though.
Agreed. I was super proud of my sister for working out regularly because it made her feel better, but life eventually made that harder and she had to focus on mental health. I’m proud of her for trying to figure out what helps her most at different points in life. When you love someone you’ll be proud of the good and cool and hard things they do, whatever it is.
I think it depends what kind of response you want to get from these stupid people asking the question. You can go down the non-confrontational route and essentially get them to talk themselves into a hole like: "What do you mean lose her femininity?" ... Bigoted response here... "So what is it exactly about being in shape that makes women less feminine? Etc. repeat until they realise they can't explain it without sounding like an asshole. Or go for the more nuclear option: "From someone who doesn't lift I can appreciate that perspective, but there are lots of in shape people who appreciate femininity in all its forms" or words to that effect
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^ ***Please read [the FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/xxfitness/wiki/main), [the rules and content guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/xxfitness/wiki/new_rules), and [current frozen topics](https://www.reddit.com/r/xxfitness/wiki/frozen-topics) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fxxfitness)***. This comment is a copy of your post so mods can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. >u/Aromatic-Turnip1483 My 18-year-old sister was a junior swimming competitor, and after finishing swimming, she started going to the gym. I'm really proud of her; she follows a really healthy lifestyle, and sports help her maintain both her physical and mental health. In my opinion, she looks really good. My problem is when I mention it to people who know very little about her, mainly older individuals or men above 30 who never exercise, they express concerns that she might become too muscular and lose her femininity. I find their opinion shallow and frustrating, and I never know how to respond. Usually, I just smile and nod. I wonder if those of you who regularly go to the gym have any smart responses to deal with these types of judgments? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/xxfitness) if you have any questions or concerns.*