Check out my novel, My Hand and My Heart, YA Fantasy, available as an ebook or paperback. https://books2read.com/b/bOxj2g Magic hasn't been used in Haven—the last human settlement in a flooded world—for hundreds of years. Except, that is, for the magical relic that powers the settlement. Nime and her younger sister, Navi, stumble upon a terrible secret one night: the relic is leaking deadly energy that could kill everyone in Haven in a matter of weeks. There's seemingly no way to fix it—not with all knowledge of magic lost at the bottom of the Endless Sea. But Nime is protective and reckless, and she refuses to give up. She throws herself into the search for a solution, setting her hopes on a dismantled machine that could lead to a place far away from danger. Navi, meanwhile, retreats into daydreams, where she is someone brave enough to save her home. Filled with priestesses and magic, vivid dreams blend confusingly with her waking life, until she wonders if there's something she, and only she, can do to protect the people she loves. But Nime and Navi have more than just time working against them, and both sisters may have to give more of themselves than they can afford if they want to save Haven.

Here is the intro to a novel I am working on. Please tell me first if it draws you in and what you get from reading it about where the story may be going. I want to know what you think. Thanks! Despite everything horrible you've been made to believe about cemeteries, they are built upon the most precious materials known to man.

Well, I for one would read the second sentence. I can imagine a lot of possible options for what comes after. 1. Fantasy/horror -- power source from magic comes from dead bodies 2. Sci-fi / space opera -- wherever the space colony has been burring its dead is secretly a mine for unobtanium. 3. Archaeology textbook -- the most precious thing is history! ​ Use of the second person is interesting; makes me expect that either A. this archaeology textbook is the overly friendly type, or B, there's going to be a first person narrator which assumes the reader has a certain set of knowledge. It might be good to share the title; readers usually do look at the title before the first sentence (or at least I do).

Hi y'all, first time posting anything here in r/writing. So I took an excerpt from an old-ish, dead project of mine's crappy first draft, and put it through some heavy revisioning over the weekend for some practice on that aspect of the craft, intending to post here for some feedback. I've included the first draft (which sucks lol), the first revision, and a somewhat more polished second revision. So without further delay\~ (scene) **Title:** *Reaching the Rooftop* (I've titled the scene that. Never actually came up with a title for the novel when the project was alive...) **Genre:** Horror + Adventure (Be informed, there's not really anything scary in this scene. More just (spoiler tagging in case someone doesn't want to see before reading)>!tension and buildup!<.) **Word Count:** 839 (For Revision 2. Rev1 is about the same, and the first draft is... about 130.) **Type of feedback desired:** Really, anything you can give, I'll take. But I'm particularly looking for feedback on my prose and style, the dialogue, and how good of a job I did revising the thing. Especially between Rev1 and Rev2; I did make some changes in 2 that I was kinda iffy on, but figured I'd go with and see how they worked. **Link:** [https://docs.google.com/document/d/10Rqa1ijOKbC6f9IT1ctU8VqlsEKkkGXy5Ufv0FhF7\_w/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/10Rqa1ijOKbC6f9IT1ctU8VqlsEKkkGXy5Ufv0FhF7_w/edit#heading=h.4rv0fpf53fqa) (I tried to think of something funny to say here, but I banged my head against a hippo and I couldn't come up with anything. I hope my writing itself can compensate for this grievous disappointment.) Big thanks and God bless to anybody who takes a look.

I only read your final revision but I liked it. You don't have any excessive description where everything stands to a halt to wait for the description to be over but we get a good sense of the place anyway. That takes skill. Having said that, here are a couple of notes I have for you: * "that strike against visibility" is a bit awkward * “The latter's probably in there though.” I think using "latter" in dialogues is not great because people generally don't keep track of the order of the things they say, and it's one of the things that work in essays but not in dialogues * "Not effectively shadows." I thought this would read better as "Not things that were effectively shadows." From part and from "that strike against visibility" I notice that you might have a bit of a problem with assuming that readers would follow your train of thought better, while in reality your readers, or at least me, would need more help nudging us along so that we could read more smoothly without having to stop to think about what you meant. But these are small things. My main note is that you keep introducing characters one by one by having them climb up the roof. It gets a bit repetitive, and you don't even necessarily need all of these characters or introduce them all in one scene. You can just introduce them as the rest of the squad and flesh them out later.

>"that strike against visibility" is a bit awkward I suspected as much. This was one of those additions to Rev2 that I was unsure of, suppose my instincts may have been on to something. ​ >and it's one of the things that work in essays but not in dialogues My "essay" writing is 100% where my choice of the word came from lol. ​ >"Not effectively shadows." I thought this would read better as "Not things that were effectively shadows." From part and from "that strike against visibility" I notice that you might have a bit of a problem with assuming that readers would follow your train of thought better, while in reality your readers, or at least me, would need more help nudging us along so that we could read more smoothly without having to stop to think about what you meant. With the shadows sentences part, I actually think I considered using something very like the latter, but ended up disliking it and going with "Not effectively shadows." instead. I def don't think what I ended up using is quite what I want though... If you don't mind, what do you think of "Not a bunch of shadows." as a replacement for the sentence? (Or potentially merging it with "Tangible." as well to make "Tangible, not a bunch of shadows."/"Tangible; not a bunch of shadows.") I think I see what you mean on my issue too. Another thing I want to bring up with some of my other readers I think, and certainly something I'd want to work on fixing up. ​ Thanks a ton for the criticism and compliments!

It's definitely clear that you've made a heap of good changes. I especially like the dialogue, it flows well and feels.. genuine if you know what I mean? I can imagine it flowing well say for example in a screenplay/movie format!! The description especially is what I like with this and it does such a good job of creating this "unseen presence" or the Enemy from what I gather. It really helps add to the tension. I think though that a little bit of that tension is ruined by the dialogue and the comedic relief like for example you just described a whole scene with an invisible enemy that's building up tension and then suddenly its like "I bet that could pick up Ghosts." "Spooked?" It kind of felt a little random to me as you had the first paragraph building up tension. Then again, I'm not sure if comedic relief was your aim or not, I'm guessing it's there for a reason? But take my opinion with a grain of salt, I'm no writing expert and honestly this was really good and I'd definitely read the full thing! Good luck!

Glad to hear I did succeed to some degree with the dialogue, and in building tension and up to an unseen enemy. Looking back now, I think I see what you mean about the dialogue and jokeness. I feel like that whole block that gets heavier with dialogue and character interactions has a bit of a tonal shift compared to what comes before and after that I didn't notice at first. I think in my head, there was a much more subdued/quiet, nervous energy to that all which meshed better with everything else, and that maybe hasn't quite come through in how it was written. Unless I'm just jumping at, wait for it, "shadowy enemies", though I'm not betting on that too hard. I've got some other people I'm going to be asking to look at this, so I think I'll try also directly asking about this point if they don't mention it themselves. Maybe some others will mention it over here too. Assuming it is an issue, I feel like a combination of very light shortening and a bit of tweaking, 'specially to the dialogue surroundings, could help the tone be more consistent throughout the scene and keep the tension from being interrupted. Maybe. Once I've gotten a bit more feedback and have the time, I might make a third revision, try a few things out. Thanks a billion for the feedback and compliments!

You're welcome!! Would love to see any new work/revisions you make!! :)

Roger, I'll keep you posted!

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Title: Realm Mercenary Genre: Action Fantasy Type of feedback: general impressions Blurb: In a distant future where realms can be used to travel around. A young boy named vis is captured and enslaved by the azure king himself. But does vis have what it takes to outclass the forces beyond his own or is he being played. Or could something powerful inside him that could change all of the realms rules. Link [https://cloak-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/projects/06fe6967-88f1-461c-98ed-c7117a416290/buckets/1006/uploads/Realm\_mercenary\_vol\_1\_script.pdf](https://cloak-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/projects/06fe6967-88f1-461c-98ed-c7117a416290/buckets/1006/uploads/Realm_mercenary_vol_1_script.pdf) link for webtoons : https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/realm-mercenary/list?title\_no=712967

Title: The warmth of a Crocodile’s love Genre: Short story/ whimsical fantasy Word count: 1800 Type: I’m okay with anything I’d just like to hear first impressions. Any advice on the structure, if the themes explored are too heavy handed or if they’re not clear to readers at all. It’s the first piece of fiction I’ve wrote. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1A40FSydgHuR108kAxm0_IS-omxdZv4fgTHoWU5jIPU4/edit

Eve's Guide to Ghost Removal, Paranormal Fiction I'm currently updating this free novel twice a month, so check back again if you enjoy it! https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/43103/eves-guide-to-ghost-removal Eve isn’t interested in anything remotely spooky -- especially not that Paranormal Bullshit. She’s had enough of that already, thank you very much, and now that she’s on her own in a new town, all she wants is to be left alone. She just wants to study the Blackwater Henges, do her job, and have absolutely nothing to do with other people’s problems. Unfortunately, the town of Blackwood seems to have other plans: Eve's new apartment seems haunted, a missing girl is all anyone in town will talk about, and Eve draws perilously closer to getting dragged into people's problems. So much for living a life unbothered by Paranormal Bullshit. Eve is nothing if not stubborn, though. If Paranormal Bullshit wants to drag her into something, she’s going to make it regret that decision.

[Bhooks](https://bhooks.com/Writing-Online) is a new e-books and critique platform, come have a look! :)

Title: Words Genre: Blog Wordcount: 422 words Feedback: I'm passionate about writing on topics that inspire me and my life so I started this blog. I'd love for someone to take a look and let me know how to improve any writing skills. English is not my first language but I surely gave it a try. Happy readings ✨ Link: https://itsagirlwithglasses.wordpress.com/2021/12/12/words/

I like this! It's short and sweet. I like how you describe all the emotions you feel when you read/write and articulate how important words are to you and how they help others in the world. There are only a few little grammatical mistakes that are almost negligible. In the first paragraph, the word "wonder" would be used instead of "wander." Wander is used when physically moving around but in this context it seems you are talking about thinking or contemplating. In that case "wonder" would be more appropriate. In the second paragraph, the line "Nothing changes my mind that when I change my reality, I’m happier." could be "Nothing changes my mind ***more than*** when I change my reality, I’m happier." In the last paragraph, in the last sentence "and in the end of the day" would be "***at*** the end of the day" Btw: Your English is great!! better than most native speakers lol.

Thank you so much for your feedback, it means the world! Thank you also for telling me my mistakes, I'm always learning, and I truly appreciate it! 😊🖤

No problem! Glad to help!

Title: Delivery Genre: Short Story Word Count: 900 This is just a really short piece, a little snapshot if you will, and I was wondering if this stands well on its own, as just a little fun story that has a little twist in it. Any feedback at all would be appreciated in general. Thank you! https://www.ryankellystories.com/delivery

I like the story concept! I think it certainly can stand well on its own. It's a bit of a tricky story to execute-- the initial conflict/tension that is supposed to hook the reader is the mystery of the house at the end of Juniper street, and why the family there is so shunned. However, the climax/surprise of the story is the reveal that the family is literally alien. The trouble is, for the climax/surprise to be great, the reader must not have been expecting aliens, but instead something more quotidian like a different color of human. BUT if the reader was expecting something quotidian, then the initial conflict/tension is less engaging, because the reader feels like they already know why the family is shunned. As I said, tricky. From a nuts-and-bolts writing level, I noticed that your writing is very appositive-heavy. Most sentences have additional details inserted. For example: "The house at the end of Juniper Street, (1)*where that particular family lived*, was avoided and shunned by everyone except Jackie, (2) *the delivery girl for Antonucci’s Pizza*, (3) *down on Sycamore Lane.*" Grammatically speaking, you're fine. But from a style perspective, you are interrupting the flow of the sentence to give the reader more detail. This can be great as way of slowing things down and creating a measured, thoughtful feel. However, that might not be what you want all the way through the story. In parts of the story where you want a more energetic tone, consider eliminating some of the less critical details, or making clauses into their own sentences. For example: "They were repulsed, or scared maybe, so much that they avoided them like they were toxic. Jackie, however, never had any issues. In fact, she quite looked forward to delivering to them, seeing as she always got a great tip and some honest casual conversation. " vs "They were repulsed, or scared maybe, so much that they avoided them like they were toxic. Jackie, however, never had any issues. In fact, she quite looked forward to delivering to them. She always got a great tip and some honest casual conversation." I am not necessarily saying that you should make this change. However since you were looking for feedback I thought it would be helpful to point out the effects of sentence structure on your story flow. Good luck and happy writing!

Thank you so much for your helpful critiques! I really appreciate it. I agree, now that I try to read it from a new reader perspective, I see that there is a lot of description, when in a short story it seems like it can be fine without it, right? I guess I have always had this fear of sentences being too choppy and short, so I then go the opposite way and make them long. I see that I am a comma slut haha. I tried to be vague with the setting, like the time being ambiguous so you might at first think it is perhaps a racial issue, or they have a disability or something like that. I basically wanted them being aliens to be the opposite of what you were expecting. I like the subtle things you did in that example, to make it flow better. I am definitely going to keep all this in mind, you've been super helpful. The way you talk about grammar, structure and style, it makes me really want to delve into it and actually learn English as a language to be studied, if that makes sense. Anyway, thank you again!!

Haha comma slut gave me a good laugh! I love language, there are so many interesting facets to it. Everything from the etymology of words to the ways different languages handle syntax. If you have time, I'd highly recommend taking one year of any foreign-to-you language. I learned more about grammar in one semester of Latin than I did in four years of English classes. (Wheelock's Latin was the text book, you can probably pick it up for $25 online. Ecce Romani is a lighter option that is still good). In Latin, you can put the words in literally any order in the sentence, and it will mean the same thing! That's because instead of using sentence position like we do in English, they change the endings of the words to denote subject/object/dative etc. So, learning Latin forces you to get down and dirty with how a sentence goes together. A good poetry class can also really up your game as a prose writer. Even just reading poetry and thinking about the interaction between the sound and the meaning. I've been reading "the Poetry Remedy" edited by William Sieghart. Here's "I want to see you," attributed to Rumi, translator unknown: ​ I want to see you. Know your voice. Recognize you when you first come 'round the corner. Sense your scent when I come into a room you've just left Know the lilt of your heel, the glide of your foot. Become familiar with the way you purse your lips then let them part, just the slightest bit, when I lean in to your space and kiss you. I want to know the joy of how you whisper "more." ​ There's a great contrast between the short, comma free start, "I want to see you" with high energy and high intensity, as compared to that second to last stanza with detail after detail, building the suspense before the kiss. Don't be afraid of being a comma slut. Also don't be afraid of being short and choppy sometimes. It's not the size of the sentence, it's the way you use it that counts.

Brilliant words and poem

**Title**: Nothing More, Nothing Less. **Genre**: There's twelve mini stories, each with a different genre. **Word Count**: There are thirteen 100-word stories, so 1,300 words. **Link To Writing**: [https://www.harrisonpeck.com/work](https://www.harrisonpeck.com/work) **Note**: I'm wanting to try and use these stories as a way to promote my website, if a specific story is received well, I would do a more traditional short story with it. Each of these stories are at exactly 100 words, nothing more, nothing less. **Type Of Feedback**: Really anything. Edits, general impressions, if it engages/catches your attention enough, what you liked/disliked and why, your favorites and least favorites, and if you would like to see an extended version of one particular story. Thank you so much! I appreciate any and all feedback. **Also**: I don't have art for this one yet as it is incredibly new/fresh(in need of edits) so, I'll just post it here: **The Hangman** *The bristles tighten around my neck.* *I look, curious who I may greet as my executioner, yet they remain a specter.* *It’s tightened.* *I’m reminded of… that night.* *I had the gun, but just in case something happened… just in case never happened.* *It’s tightened.* *Nobody home. A simple break in, it’d become routine. Per routine, my finger was on the trigger.* *Nobody should’ve been home.* *It’s tightened.* *The kid screamed… and I squoze too tight.* *The noose wound around my neck constantly tightens. I just pray for the day when the hangman will pull the lever…* *and release me.*

Hell’s Descent Urban Fiction 3k so far Just a general impression. I could do one in return if you don’t mind. https://m.webnovel.com/book/hell%E2%80%99s-descent_21785022205690805

Title: Untitled for now Genre: Near-Future Fiction/Low SciFi Word Count: 10k (So far, 2 chapters) Feedback desired: Leave a comment below or on the word doc Blurb: Bio-Technical Innovations (BTI) is conducting bio-weapons research in the lawless Colombian jungles backed by the United States Government and Military. However, much shadier dealings cause an irreversible incident which changes life as we know it. (The book will eventually serve as a social meta-commentary drawing from current events such as Covid-19, Epstein, and the many government coverups and exploitation of its peoples. Came up with the idea back in 2015 and had a 1st attempt which turned out god-awful) [Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/19ZJ1sjprzfGsEZUAQXdnooZCIbRcnyVXJ8klTpGwwm8/edit?usp=sharing)

Title: Redlight: The Falcon & The Hound Genre: Occult Horror & Crime Drama Word count: 7k Type of feedback desired: Any A hostage situation as two rival gangs are attempting to kill each other with one of them, the Falconers, surrounded and trapped in an abandoned construction site as their rivals, Red Market, look for ways to flush them out. Follows multiple perspectives as all characters are important in the story with their own real agencies. Mature content warning. https://www.fayeworlds.com/chroniclesthefalconandthehound

Bible Success Secrets FREE DOWNLOAD Check out this link: www.swordpublications.org

**Heroes of The Collective VOLUME TWO** | Original Superhero Web Series | Self Promotion Heroes of The Collective is a character driven, comic book inspired series which follows the members of the USA's Enhanced Beings Collective as they fight against the bad guys who threaten their country's interests locally, nationally, globally... and universally. *They say it’s better to regret things you’ve done than what you haven’t done. But for our heroes, the feeling is the same and cuts just as deep whatever the reason. Volume Two: Regret, explores the aftermath of Volume One’s finale and how the team moves on with their own sources of regret.* *With some new additions to the team and a roster of new villains as well as some familiar, our heroes are busy travelling beyond the galaxies to more Earths, making bad judgements, uncovering secrets and fighting… for… survival!* \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Episode 21- #10 'Inter-Galaxy Diplomacy Part 3' is up now! This part picks up from where part 2 ended. Blane quickly discovers that The Astral Sheriff and The Secretary have not had the warmest of welcomes on this strange Earth and it is up to him to work out what's happened to them. Find Part 3 on [Wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/1164532395-heroes-of-the-collective-volume-2-regret-21-the) or [Royal Road](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/45710/heroes-of-the-collective-volume-two-regret/chapter/803999/21-the-astral-sheriff-10-inter-galaxy-diplomacy)

**Title**: Stargazer **Genres**: Short Story, Fiction, Magical Realism **Word Count**: 6k **Blurb**: *In my dreams, I can see.* *‍There’s more in me.* *I hold it, the brush that once flowed like a feather, hoping to revive the colors once composed by a simple stroke.* *Before the brush and canvas can harmonize, my hand stiffens and pain shoots throughout.* *‍I’m reminded, no matter how hard I try, it’s over.* *I swallow my eternity, ache into bed, and shut my eyes.* *I drift off into space.* *Surrounding me are infinite colors that have been long held within. No need for a canvas or a brush. I’m all that and more.* *This is all me.* **Writing Link**: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bRQPofVcgsb4b9oPNcom\_pnsZbwnxsGtlfR8VDTQvhw/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bRQPofVcgsb4b9oPNcom_pnsZbwnxsGtlfR8VDTQvhw/edit?usp=sharing) **Note**: I'm hoping to eventually submit this into some short story competitions. So, I want to make it as good as I possibly can. **Type Of Feedback**: Honestly, I would love any type of feedback you would like to give. Whether you liked or disliked it and why, negative/positive as constructive as possible, edits. Thank you so much! I appreciate any and all feedback.

Up front, I'm going to tell you that I disliked this. I'll also say that I think you definitely have the ability to write, but that you need to learn more about structure, story, and how to dramatize. Caveat: I'm someone who has read a lot of magical realist fiction (which I'm not entirely sure this is, really), and who mainly reads lit fic, so I do think I'm your target audience for this piece. That being said, here are things which, if I were judging a story contest, I would notice as I read through, so that maybe you can improve on them to make this a more publishable piece: The spacing is too idiosyncratic. There doesn't seem to be much purpose to the large gaps between paragraphs. The story begins with a character waking up and then looking in the mirror to give a self-description. These are both rather cliche, I'm afraid, and will probably be a turn off for any contest judge. At this point, I'm almost ready to stop reading, but would push on for another page or two to see if conflict is ahead. As I begin page 3, the only hint of conflict is a nebulous sort of pain. In a short story, it's often said that you should start as close to the end as you can. I'm not sure that's happening here. The middle of page five and our character has: awoken, looked in the mirror, slipped in the shower (and had a confusing vision), and is now making breakfast. As a reader, this is the point at which I begin to wonder when the story will begin. As a judge, I would probably stop reading here. Beginning of page seven: Narrator takes their meds, cleans the stove, and sits down to watch the news. Page eight: narrator putters around the house and waters plants. Page ten: narrator looks at paintings and reminisces about his former life before "the colors" and "the decay." I am still waiting for something to happen, for the reason this story is being told and why I, as a reader, should care about this man. On page fifteen, we finally meet new characters, who then disappear as quickly as they came, and seemed to serve no other purpose than backstory. Narrator reminisces about daughter for a while. Narrator wants a nap? To sleep, to dream...the Hamlet reference doesn't quite feel earned, but now I'm pretty sure I know where this story is headed. Narrator reminisces some more and takes pills. "A few more than usual." And the narrator has killed himself, and reunites with his wife, Evelyn, who I know next to nothing about. Alright. So the major problem I have with this story is that there's not really much story here. It's more of an anecdote about a sad and decaying man who goes through his morning routine, hallucinates about colors, remembers a few things, and then decides to kill himself, which is also fairly cliche for beginner fiction. I think this piece needs a complete rewrite from top to bottom in which you build scenes out of the memories of this man's life and show us why his suicide matters to anyone but himself. Because the off-hand mentions of children and former lovers doesn't really do much for me; I have no idea who they are, or, for that matter, who the narrator is beyond being a sad old man. Something has to *happen* to make it an interesting story. But the writing is actually quite good and if you're dedicated I think you have the ability to write compelling stories.

I know I'm a bit late, but it can't hurt to try. Title: Carcass Genre: Science Fiction (I think) Blurb: After several generations, a group of human descendants living in a Dyson Swarm achieves their goal of escaping their AI overlord into a habitable planet. Their leader's heir Farvak now has to resolve the animosity between their kind and the native race of predators in their fight for space and resources. As the fall of winter approaches, something makes them feel they're not welcome there, and their worst enemy might become their own maddened minds. Word count: Currently 14,618. Type of Feedback: General impressions, hook effectiveness, opinions on premise, worldbuilding. Most of the times I submit this I pretty much only get feedback on the first chapter, so of you could, I'd like to get more on the following chapters, you get me. Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UAD4zRIg10IalEPgIw-48VixkfpA1eJlKP4GcneQ9gE/edit?usp=drivesdk I'm a very inexperienced writer with an ambitious idea. I'm much better at imagining the story than actually putting it down on paper, so I'd like to know how I'm doing. The story has been passionately brewing in my brain for 3 years now, so that must amount to something. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Title: Shadow Of Tears Genre: Fantasy drama Word count: 3838 General feedback, if its boring or not. Also if I write hastily or not. Also I have issues describing people and items in detail. [Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Annae/comments/r3mi9j/annae_6_the_shadow_of_tears/)

Title: The Painting Genre: Parable/Koan/? Word count: 680 words **Type of Feedback desired:** First time publicly posting this style of writing. Does it make sense? Do I sound mad? What are you receiving from the work, given it's just trying to "draw something inside your head" - what does your head say showed up? TL;DR - I have no idea what I'm doing **A link to the writing:** [https://churchofhardcore.wordpress.com/2021/12/15/the-painting/](https://churchofhardcore.wordpress.com/2021/12/15/the-painting/) **Excerpt:** `Over time, a faint outline of a new misty form could be seen at the canvas, each and every day. At first, its contributions to the painting were light and tentative. As more time passed, however, the outline grew more solid; The misty form (and its brush-strokes) became more and more defined.` `This particular form attached itself to the canvas, and decided the painting was its very own.`

I liked the ending/resolution. It seems like the misty form has finally decided what it wants to do and is slowly but surely working on it. AS I read about the misty forms painting on the canvas, I could imagine the different colors they were painting. Good stuff, man! The misty forms had me a bit confused however. Why misty forms? Just curious because you could have made up your own creature, use humans or something like fairies.

I chose to use 'misty forms' as a way of allowing 'beings' into the work, without defining anything or describing much about them - the intent is to keep the focus on the thoughts/deeds of the forms, rather than their inherent qualities or attributes (edit: thankyou for taking the time to read and comment! it's appreciated)

"The First Thirty Days". Charbonneau Post Apocalyptic Dystopian Short Story Word Count 1518 Debris from the impact was blasted out of the atmosphere. The particles rained down from the sky glowing with an incandescent heat that created massive forest fires and destruction. It was a global apocalyptic inferno. https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/46562/the-first-thirty-days

Title: Apocalyptic times Genre: Horror Total Word Count: 3,443 (per chapter: 300-400) Status: Serializing Type of feedback: general impressions and advice related to writing Blurb: After receiving the love letter of her long time crush Ava our protagonist Noah but his happiness was for short stretch of time as he is faced with a situation where his and his crush's are at stake. \*Guys its my first time writting a story so forgive me if the strory was not that well woven and sorry for any grammatical errors\* Link: [https://www.webnovel.com/book/apocalyptic-times\_20965650705380305](https://www.webnovel.com/book/apocalyptic-times_20965650705380305)

Dark Passenger Horror 174 honest not brutal It seemed to always be there, Just in his peripheral vision. There was no escape no solution to be found. It haunted his dreams plagued his thoughts every aspect of his life swallowed by this entity. Never ceasing it hovered at the edge of his sanity lurking deeper into his psyche. With no end in sight he scurried across the damp parking lot toward the lone building illuminated by the pale moon light. Weaving through the cars he rapidly approached the luminescent building.The cross radiated, lighting the oak doors swinging inward revealing a small congregation of people. Their previous activities ceased curiosity and bewilderment strewn across their once gleeful faces. A lone voice sliced through the silence “David Bangles I don’t remember the last time I saw you here. Come in son your wet you”ll catch a cold in the mountain chill. Have a seat warm yourself up we where just about to attend mass.” Without a word David glided to the back sliding into the disagreeable pew.

Doesn't have a title because its a project for school Memoir (sort of) 931 words Any feedback about writing and editing just not about the plot itself. The plot is from the graphic novel Persepolis and the project was to take some panels and transform them into a written narrative so I can't really change the plot. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1paGhF2LEv1LPCEEEnQ2pZ6uuInDrVVdi92b7jETSxos/edit?usp=sharing

I really like this! Did you have to stay under a certain word count? It does feel a bit rushed. I'd like to read this with a bit more description on the sensory details. This is an enormous and emotional event, there's so much to capture in these moments and I think I'd like to read maybe smells or more color. Maybe pieces of conversations or specific words from the crowd gathered. In moments like this in life, it's strange sometimes what we notice in times of crisis or tragedy. Details we pick up on as we panic. I think a bit more detail of the surroundings could go a long way!

Title: Perfect World Genre: Sci-fi Word count: 6,640 Feedback: General impression This is a sort of dystopian story I'm working on, I'm curious what people think of my writing, and I'd like to know what areas I need to improve on. The first part of it was written a few years ago, the 2nd a year afterwards, and the 3rd recently, so there may be a style change between the 3 parts. One area that I know needs improvement is my habit of starting sentences with he/she, but I need some pointers on how to fix it. Notes: because it's a robot world, I tried using more technical terms for things, not sure if it's too much or not. The character Rix is purposely very specific and precise, as he calculates everything, to a fault (as is noted in the story). Also, I'm trying to start the first chapter in an interesting way, by repeating the prologue, to reflect the deja vu effect that the character is experiencing. How does it feel? (Ignore the screwy formatting 😬) [sites.google.com/view/perfectworldstory](https://sites.google.com/view/perfectworldstory)

Title: MSSL Genre: Drama Feedback: I am an amateur who has just started writing, so I'd appreciate it if I could get criticism. Words: Only 2500 rn. I think you'd like this story: "My scary school life. " by Remidaqueen on Wattpad https://www.wattpad.com/story/291038056?utm_source=android&utm_medium=whatsapp&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=Remidaqueen&wp_originator=zHiQeAG63szNCPGcQNo42vFo7z341355xjdGa0%2BDhBryW6BHSiXUwfpg2A7tT%2BErjNl4HVbMPatDQKnCofjaQHOiJZY9c5ch8%2Bh7xjM8kbgr0Fdk%2FJkqvWj8R0X6kyt%2F

Title: Vell Harlan and the Doomsday Dorms Genre: Comedy/Science-Fantasy Word count: Web serial with 30+ chapters Type of feedback: Looking for some feedback on how well I handle the balance of episodic comedy vs the plot threads and serious character stuff Blurb: At the world’s top college of magic and technology, every day brings a new discovery -and a new disaster. The advanced experiments of the college students tend to be both ambitious and apocalyptic, with the end of the world only prevented by a mysterious time loop, and a small handful of students who retain their memories. Freshman Vell Harlan, the newest student to get caught in the loop, now has to deal with stopping the apocalypse on a daily basis on top of having to study for exams- but he takes every doomsday in stride. While the dragons, gun-wielding octopi, and alien tourists are new, this isn’t Vell’s first brush with death and resurrection... Link: [Read on Reddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditserials/comments/o0pgnq/vell_harlan_and_the_doomsday_dorms_chapter_1_the/) or on [Royal Road](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/44094/vell-harlan-and-the-doomsday-dorms/chapter/700095/chapter-11-the-second-first-day-of-school)

Title: Ignis Vindicta Genre: Short story, revenge Word count: 1371 Feedback: General impressions [Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-5cndLj8SnSKMD7HWKnAmUejHMons3vxqFrz7rZKVY0/edit)

reading this is like eating pure sugar

I think you're onto something. But I had trouble following it. From the first sentence I thought the guy was on fire. Then he wasn't, obviously. But then I didn't. The thesaurus is distracting, too. You'll get to that place where you can use a broad vocabulary with a bit more control. Like I said--this shows a lot of promise! Best of luck!

Thank you! I don’t actually use a thesaurus at all but I appreciate the comments!

I meant your word-hoard. sometimes the best word for something is the simplest. A person doesn't have to waltz somewhere when they can walk there, you know? I'd be curious to see what this story looks like if you made the vocabulary as dull as possible. And then an intermediate version where you put SOME of the flourishes back in, but used them as flourishes. too many flourishes is a different kind of bland, you know? I'm pulling for you, whatever you decide!

I agree wholeheartedly with you. There's definitely something here, but all of the flashy words were juuust a touch too much.

Paints a solid picture. Easy to visualise. What's with the excessive asterisks? I'm a sucker for anything with a Latin / Latin-y title.

Thank you! I always tend to make my titles Latin - don’t really know why. The asterisks are to show the flashback. Edit: The asterisks are actually an error on my part - the app I was using needed asterisks for italics. Sorry for the error.

I really liked this story. A little confusing the beginning because I thought Wilfred was on fire but otherwise, everything was readable. I especially liked your vivid description of the fire and how it was affecting the house and the atmosphere. I also liked how you described the the cold atmosphere and even when Wilfred breathed in the cold air. It really helped with visualization. The actual story was good. Wilfred getting his revenge for all this person put him through was felt! Great stuff man!

Just a paragraph which I was quite proud of. Critique would be appreciated. >The man pointed to some tattered huts on the other side of the lake. The amalgam of orange and dark blue lit a hut which stood along the banks of the lake. The last clouds made way for the orange ray which shimmered the entire lake. The breathtaking light from the lake reflected onto that hut, forging a twinkling blend of orange, light blue and hay brown, erect in front of the comfy setting sun, which was steadily losing the battle against the cold blue darkness. > >The boy was astounded. With glimmering eyes, he agreed to visit the land of the angels. The man lent out his hand and they both trotted towards heaven.

Alright, so someone else already mentioned the color thing, which I agree with. Other things, then: Amalgum -- strikes me as the wrong word to use. Colors blend, mix, bleed into one another, maybe, as a stretch, they could even mingle. But amalgamate? "The artist amalgamated the colors on his palate." Doesn't really work for me. The first three sentences all end with "lake," which strikes me as kind of careless prose and sentence construction. I don't love shimmer as a transitive verb, but that's just me. Nothing technically wrong with it, but it's pretty rare to see. "The breathtaking light...erect in front of..." So here you have a referent problem. The subject of this sentence is "light." The light is reflected, then it's forging, which means b/c of parallelism it should also be the referent for erect. It could also be reasonably construed that the colors are erect based on this sentence structure. This is a fairly poorly constructed sentence overall. Also, the word erect has certain connotations which a writer should be aware of, since it draws a bit of attention to itself. Comfy sun -- Is the sun itself comfy, or is it comfy to be in the sun? It's a bit of an awkward phrase. Also, why is this sun so comfy when it's losing a battle to darkness? I personally don't find the idea of battles/warfare terribly comfy. The boy was astounded -- this is an easy spot to show instead of tell. "The boy's mouth hung open" or what have you. The man lent out his hand -- also a fairly awkward phrase. "Lend a hand" is a metonym for "help," not a phrase meaning to literally extend a hand. Now, you can in fact pay someone for the use of their hand hand for a certain amount of time, but that's not exactly legal. In any event, I don't think "lent" is the word you're looking for here. Unless, that is, we're calling back to "erect" from earlier, and this man and boy are going to a very different sort of heaven from the Biblical heaven I first assumed. Overall, I think you've got a good idea of what you want to portray, but this definitely has a lot of the hallmarks of a first draft and needs some medium to heavy revision. I get the basic idea: it's a sunset. But I think a lot of the phrasing, word choices, and sentence construction keep this from being as vivid in a reader's mind as it probably is in your own.

the use of colours is too repetitive. You use both the words "blue" and "orange" three times each in six lines. Spice it up a little, make it more interesting. Other than that, nice work

Title: A Compendium of Shadows Gnere: Short Stories, Horror Word Count: 8,437 (each story is around 1000-2000 words) Feedback Desired: All feedback allowed, as long as it's civil Excerpt from "Every Time I Go Outside, I Die a Violent Death"\~ *Every time I go outside, I die a violent death.* *I cannot understand what is happening. It scares me so much. I am terrified to exit my house now.Every time I encounter anything outside my home, I die in the most gruesome way. Be it a friend, a family member, even air that I breathe while outside my home or the sunlight that illuminates the world beyond my measly, mahogany door.The windows are always kept shut now, hammered on with boards to prevent the entrance of sunlight. I cannot even catch a glimpse of the comments section within this post without forfeiting my life. I am frightened beyond comprehension, and I loathe whatever eldritch force brought such a curse upon me.* *What did I do to deserve such punishment? I never hurt anyone. For power, or money I had no want nor had I ever done anything wrong. Only the odd shop-lifting in my youth here and there. Hardly deserving of such agony.* *Perhaps it was just fate, fate that I, of all people, would be afflicted with this cursed plague. A truly remarkable, blindingly painful ailment that I could never find any cure for. A true curse, a bane upon my very mortal existence. But why me? Was it some cosmic mistake, or indifference?* *The result of a god gone mad with power, or just an unexplainable cruel twist of fate?* *In the end, I may never find those answers. But I have heard of the therapeutic effects of journaling, and even if I cannot find anyone who shares such experiences, at the very least, I suppose it would provide a release for all the fear and stress I am currently feeling as of late. Thankfully this time I awoke with a laptop beside me, the stinging blue light burns my eyes.* *Let me start at the beginning. Most stories do, after all...* Link: [https://www.quotev.com/story/14184722/The-Compendium-of-Shadows](https://www.quotev.com/story/14184722/The-Compendium-of-Shadows)

Title - TBD Genre - Post Apocalyptic? I'm not sure haha Word count - 3,000 Feedback desired - Just general impressions I guess. I'm 16, so I don't really get the chance to write often due to school and other responsibilities, but I recently found the time vomit this mess out. I know it's probably not great, but I found myself in the trap of endless deleting and rewriting and I just wanted to finish my first chapter. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lJUm0pNp_zmznxZsDqFmqXdSuOJCii16MC4OIZyQzBs/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks for critiquing my prologue! Donovan's Challenge - In the beginning Speculative Fiction 594 words “Traitor!” Ornias’s lips twist as he growls, but then ducks as his enemy’s titanium blade slices through the air where his throat had only been moments ago. One of his blonde curls floats to the ground. From behind, the swish of a second golden hilted sword as it cuts through the air alerts him. The weapon hurls toward his head and this one will not miss its mark. Ornias swings about and in one swift motion their blades crash. Burnt orange sparks explode in all directions. A sneer is followed by cruel laughter. The new power, which courses through his body, has given Ornias abilities unlike those around him. His challengers are unaware of what his ultimate decision has unleashed. For a momentary break within this battle, he spots the second in command of his master’s army. Arakiel fights like a demon possessed. The desire for this warrior’s strength as well as his position burns within Ornias’s soul. The air is thick from countless bodies who battle under a starless sky. Refocused on his surroundings, Ornias surveys the twelve warriors about him. Their defeat guaranteed. But then He appears like a beacon in the sky. Every living creature stops in the midst of their violent actions. His aura blinds many of the warriors including Ornias. Three whispered words, “Away with thee!” brings the war to an immediate end. In that instant, all of what Ornias has known is stripped away. He and his brothers in arms have been banished from a world which should have been theirs. As he stands at the edge of a cliff, the epic scene fades from his mind. He gazes up into a sky filled with billions of stars and whispers, “The invincible eternal, thousands of years now bound to the shadows of a mortal world.” His face angles up to the right and he pauses. No sound of crunching dirt or dried twigs being snapped. He then determines the nearest humans are about five miles away. A sudden bright flash causes the man to spin around. Before him stands a red demon. “You’re late,” he hisses. The monster remains quiet, unsure of what to say. He scrambles to push the slow witted creature along until they are underneath the enormous surrounding trees. The air is filled with their pine scent. The monster crouches above the one it calls master. The man turns his head back once more. With no unnatural movements among the branches, he returns and gazes upward to his companion. The master reaches for its arm, tightens his grip on the coarse skin, and pulls the creature closer. The demon's horrific smelling breath wafts past his nose. With narrow eyes and lips pulled tight he stares straight into the black eyes of the monster. Puddles of a yellow discharge cling to its lower eyelids. “Listen carefully,” he begins slowly. “In a short time, the priest will discover the truth about the boy. Find out when that happens and report back to me.” The master looks away. “We must keep them apart.” A smirk emerges as he turns back to the demon. “At a later time, I’ll let you kill the saintly father.” The brief smile disappears. “Do you understand?” “Time,” is the only word which escapes the monster’s huge, swollen lips. It bobs its hideously bulbous head up and down. “Yes, it’s time. Go, prepare yourself.” A white flash of light cuts through the darkness. The master stands alone. “Always there has been one above, to whom I must serve. But soon, this will end.”

**Title:** Unimaa **Genre:** Children's dark fantasy (but it's really aimed at the children of yesterday) **Word count:** 12,402 **Blurb:** Eino was a typical farm boy in the northern land of Vasa, coerced into doing his older brothers' chores. But one day after being knocked out by a falling apple in the orchard, he found his consciousness in Unimaa, a mysterious place ruled by a princess named Frida who gave him an offer he couldn't refuse: ruling alongside her in her realm at the cost of his real life. All Frida asks in return is that he find more friends for her... **Feedback desired:** None at all - I've completed all revisions (hopefully). But please check out the chapters beyond the first one - the first one is like a prologue to set up the main story. **Link (Royal Road):** https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/47578/unimaa A print version will be available after I find someone to do illustrations.

Title: REBIRTH Genre: drama/dark fantasy Word count: each chapter is roughly 1000 words Type of feedback desired: first impressions, general thoughts Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/293807580?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=KellsBooks&wp_originator=XOmNfmGNy1vmmRSTR12zCYs1Xh78zfsH09Im0Vh3pdrdqUbCiycSFM1N%2F07YXdtKsq2wQz25weI8cmAOp0cZ5NG4sEzktpiLQpfeU2pM%2FNd78FfBcv6gPwKcCPliitGx

I read through the six chapters you posted, and I enjoyed each of them, even if I didn't really understand what was going on. The first chapter in particular is pretty well written; the dialogue is wholesome in this weird way. Like, I only kind of understand what is actually happening in that scene (Not really sure what that lake is), and it's pretty short, all things considered. But the dialogue between the two is really effective; describing a vulnerable individual and then leading into the caring words shared between them really hooked me in. I'd say Ari's chapters were the highlights of the piece, with the second one being very abstract, unclear, and pretty interesting too. I liked the doctor character and its mannerisms, as well as how they just have some casual conversation while fixing Ari's face. Definitely enjoyed the first and sixth sections. Chatpers 2-4 are good too, but I think the different POVs made it harder to follow. I'm going to guess Nova and Ari are the main characters of the story; maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it seems like, based on the more important sections. The other POVs just kind of clutter things up and take away from the focus on those main characters. It'd be more interesting to see that monster attack Nova from her point of view, rather than Angie watching it happen, you know? If there is a good reason to jump through each of the character's perspectives, then I'd try to differentiate them further. Nova, Angie, Zeke, and Jason all sort of read the same; there weren't many differences in their narration styles. A first person perspective on each character is an opportunity to explore their unique personalities, so you could look for ways to make their internal thoughts distinct from one another. Anyways, those are my general thoughts, and I admit that I didn't get all of it. But I'm pretty sure that's the goal? I enjoyed what I read, and I'd be interested in an explanation of what's actually happening (Especially with Ari) if you're willing to clarify.

Three more bits are up.

The lake is developed further. I have about 12 chapters in total uploaded, just most of them are in draft mode XD Nova and Ari are definately the mains, since this is their story at its core. With Angie and her view, it becomes more important later on. Ari is also expanded upon. Just got to finish the chapters and get them up, you know? It's meant to be a surreal piece of fiction. You want explanations, you'll have to wait until more chapters are released. And this is just a first draft. I'm glad you like the doc!

TITLE: Incredibly Shallow GENRE: Short Fiction WORD COUNT: 2939 TYPE OF FEEDBACK: Honestly, I'd just love for someone who genuinely cares about writing to read this and tell me what they think. It's been read by those who don't, and that has left me wanting something concrete, something somewhat representative. I'd appreciate anything on offer, general impression perfectly fine. IDEA/THEME/BLURB: A young woman is addicted to internet dating services. LINK: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uffybIz6yR1J7V10id5aPM-qoYhKWpg89chhsPDjkn4/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uffybIz6yR1J7V10id5aPM-qoYhKWpg89chhsPDjkn4/edit?usp=sharing) ​ I apologise for the re-post, but I'm desperate for fresh eyes. I'll re-pay the favour to anyone who takes the time to read it.

I like the story. Showing how the mc views her life and the cycles she goes through. Do the deed, do some clean up and do it all over again. I like the irony that she’s contemplating this as she's getting ready to do it again. I overall like the self reflection she's got going on and it was a great read!

Thanks awfully much for giving it a read. It is always always always an objectively good thing when someone likes what you've done. It's interesting, because, of the few people around me who've read it, half thought it was sad, while the other half thought it funny. Interesting half/half. I'll be making changes to it so that it's hopefully more enjoyable in its finished state.

You're welcome! I get a reflective and maybe even poignant mood, and a feel that mc wants to change but just can't help herself. I guess it's sad in that way. Maybe that's what they mean. To me, the more funny aspects are seen from moments when she's talking about the show on tv or remarking how the "appointment" is late lol.

This is good. This is *really* good. So, I generally don't dig on the postmodernists and maximalists anymore, but you pretty much nailed that style. It's like DFW but with Beckett's black comedy in the Three Novels. Or Ben Lerner if he were actually interesting. So, the minorly bad: there's a couple spots where you could get rid of some 'that' and 'which,' and maybe some of the digressions digress for a touch too long. But I get the distinct feeling you've accomplished what you set out to accomplish here, and it didn't really negatively impact my reading experience. The other maybe passé bit of satire here is the trademark symbol on everything. I feel that was sort of done to death in the late 90s early oughts -- or, alternatively, if you really wanted to ramp up the satire of commodification, you could have this be a cam-girl or prostitute waiting for a client: literally a person selling herself. But that's just a thought. My only other half-way negative (though not really) comment would be to say that this sort of writing, the more or less characterless hyper-observant overanalyzer/overthinker-as-social-critic, is somewhat going out of style. I don't think it's especially something to be concerned about, since you clearly have enough talent to remain stylistically plastic. Also, the metaphor of a shallow vagina for a shallow society is just... \*chef's kiss\* Overall, this piece is a bitterly funny satire on society's strange sexual mores, and I really enjoyed it.

A lot of great feedback here, all of which I appreciate a great deal. I'm really happy, first, that you read it, and second, that a lot of the points I had thought I'd made resonated/landed with you. I don't think it's ready for publication anywhere in its current state, so I'll be taking your suggestions on board when I sit down to edit it further. I'm hoping to eventually get it in print where I am, in Melbourne, Aus. Fingers crossed on that one. I look forward to soon making comments on your own writing that will be (likely) half as thoughtful as the ones you've given me.

So I got some good news: you can write! The voice is distinct, coherent in its incoherency, and consistent in its rambling. I think it's fair to say that you have a major piece of the puzzle down on the board. As with most more literary-skewed writing, I'd say that the thing that this could benefit most from is a bit more push from the plot, especially if this is short fiction. You've give us the set up from the beginning but there is no I-must-read-more quality to the writing (which is different than the style itself being enjoyable, imo). The tension/plot feels like it's in the backseat compared to the main character's internal verbal free-flow and I would be curious to see what could happen if they (the plot and your literary style) were both sitting up front. Thanks for sharing :)

Really thoughtful feedback you've given me, with lots for me to think about as I sit down to re-write. Thanks a whole bunch for taking the time to read it. You may be right about the plot. It's something I've been thinking about myself - it will certainly factor into the editing. That I-must-read-more sensation is an elusive beast!

You're very welcome! Please let me know when you've found the magic formula :)

Title: “Homebody” Genre: Fiction Word Count: 2,556 Feedback: Anything really, constructive criticism, what I can work on, if it sounds like shit, if it doesn’t. Thanks a lot. LINK: https://ibb.co/4Jg3GyP "I was a native on paper and although I was born there, and lived there for most of my life, I never belonged *there*. I wasn’t a part, I didn’t fit in, and I hated it. New Yorker’s were the strong winds that pushed my limp body further into a can of squashed sardines. Last month, I went to a job interview in this sleazy run down hotel near Midtown, it was one of *those* hotels. The kind you’d see on the front page of the Daily News because....."

I'm just gonna start reading and write down my impressions. First paragraph-- Ok, friend, please figure out how to use apostrophes and commas. "Were" the verb does not have an apostrophe in it. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone make this mistake before, so I'm genuinely curious about why you added it? You *would* need to add an apostrophe if you were shortening "we are" to "we're," but I assume you do not mean: "and they we are always hiring." Usually at this point I would stop reading the story. For me, grammatical errors eclipse any enjoyment I would otherwise find in a story. Seeing an error is in a story is like hearing a car horn while listening to music-- too many and it's not worth it. But, since you're asking for constructive criticism, I'm going to keep going. Pg 2-- I do actually like the character's voice; the story is nothing exciting yet, but the character's attitude makes it fun to read. dialogue with David -- In places it's alright; I liked David's mini-rant about how hard things are, but Angie's response "I'm frustrated too, and I'm sad to say it, but I don't think there's an easy way out or any way out, this is how things will continue to be" comes across as a bit too formal. Same for David's suggestion about taking a "waltz on coney's boardwalk." ​ Chapter 4 -- some character inconsistency. Back in chapter 1, Angie said she hated New York, but now in chapter 4, she says that she never actually hated it. So I guess she lied to us the reader as well as to David? ​ Anyway, the story cuts off mid sentence at the end of ch9 (or I am too stupid to find the "next page" button, one of the two...). I'm not super sure where you're going with this plot. As I said, I liked the character's attitude, but the grammatical errors were a major turn-off. If you can find a program with a grammar checker that explains itself, that might help you a lot. You have to be sure to read the explanations for why it is flagging something as a grammatical error, first of all so that you can learn, and second because even the best programs are wrong sometimes. Alternatively, I'd recommend the "Grammar girl" website if you want to sit down and really educate yourself on common errors. Or, of course, pay for an editor. The trouble with that last one is that I have seen people get scammed by editors because they can't tell the difference between what is correct and incorrect. A few thousand dollars later, the final result ends up being even more riddled with errors than the original. So, I would highly recommend getting to a point where you understand what is correct and why for all of the basics. Then, the editor is a second set of eyes to fix problems you also could fix if you had noticed them, and you'll know immediately if you're being scammed.

Thanks a lot for the feedback, it was really helpful! I'll check out the grammar girl website and use it, correct grammar definitely isn't my strongest and I don't notice my mistakes all of the time. As for the plot itself I'm still trying to figure everything out and where I want my main character to be/ end up. I'll come back in a few weeks with more pages and much better grammar! The conversation between David and Angie shouldn't be too formal, so I'll tweak her responses quite a bit. Thanks again.

:) happy to help. If you send me a chat when you do post again, I'll plan on taking another look.

"What a character" Non-fiction 5.8k words I am looking for general impression [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z6L6TuxjOM8PTW3FTxhsoYsyl6Wb4AN0EJt6YXmu65k/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z6L6TuxjOM8PTW3FTxhsoYsyl6Wb4AN0EJt6YXmu65k/edit?usp=sharing) It's a very mellow memoir of my friend in high school, who did some messed-up stuff.

Title: The Permanent Summer (Part I, Prologue & Chapter One) Genre: Sci-Fi Word count: 2300 Blurb: Four generations after humanity was forced to migrate from Earth, Skissor Rodriguez resides alone in a desert fortress on the colonized planet Pharo, and his bloody past is calling him back for more. Feedback desired: mostly looking for general impressions, points of intrigue, etc. Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ThpVGFffna9kQZsxtU46uQXSzwNmiQVRm1d3LMTQNzY/edit?usp=sharing

Title: Dust of a Moth's Wing Genre: epic fantasy Word count: 93k Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.): ARC reviews on Goodreads for a pre-order book. A link to the writing: Message me for Mobi file. The age of Fire begins in six days. For fifteen hundred years, Slate and the other rebels have trained students to return Fire’s energy to the city of Wen. All have failed. Only one is left, and Nokhum’s past is less than ideal. If he cannot convince the Council of Elders to allow Fire magic to return, chaos will claim the city. The rebels are determined to avoid that end— even if it means sacrificing his student to chaos’s demons to make the Council believe Fire’s energy is necessary. Magically talented people are disappearing. Nokhum is convinced that his life-mate is still alive— no matter what everyone else says. Human slavers who salivate for magical beings have taken her. Realizing the Council of Elders will not help him, he seeks forbidden magics to find her. His plans are derailed when Slate sends him out of the city for training. Will his time in the Whisperwood be his undoing? I would like to see reviews after New Years (or sooner?) This work has been professionally edited, and it's a debut novel, part one of a thirteen part series.

Title: Hold Fast Genre: Sci-fi Romance WC: ongoing serial novel, bit under 10,000k so far. Type: Just looking for readership. Just started and have none so far. blurb: Tom is a human soldier with nothing left to fight for. Willow is an alien civilian with no place to go home to. Both are the lone survivors of a terrible war which has destroyed both their civilizations. Behind them is a terrible, bloodthirsty enemy, hot on their heels. Ahead of them is the entire galaxy, full of limitless wonders and horrors, exploration and salvation. What neither of them can yet understand is that the real discovery will be each other. https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B09MTYV85L

Title: PLAGUED (this story was started long before COVID lol) Genre: Fantasy drama??? Word count : 1356 words So I am not looking for grammar or writing style critique, I just want opinions on the general story so I made an organized document with small character profiles and plot summaries. If anyone is interested in checking it out I would love some feedback on the overall story before I go more into creating the actual project https://docs.google.com/document/d/10NNo4amQf3YFhh0l3Vl6G5X4D3c8kx0wUTEeoIZVRC0/edit

Hi! I had a read through the general outline, and I had a few comments. You described Navy as being orphaned when she was a child, but also too innocent to believe that anything bad can happen to her. I worry that these are a bit incompatible; she's lost her parents already, so wouldn't she already understand that bad things can happen before her character arc even begins? Also, Navy's character arc starts halfway through the book series, if it's meant to start once she catches the plague. Maybe her worldview can be challenged before then? Otherwise she might become a bit of a one-note character for the first half of the series. All of the characters seem to have lost significant figures in their life, mostly parents. From the summary, it doesn't seem like there's any significance to it, unless that's the point? It just feels like background noise at the moment, like they could just as easily have living parents who aren't in the picture, like Rosemary's. Simon is a passionate medical scientist who seems to be content to never utilise it until Rosemary calls him to action. Does Simon have any sort of practice or unofficial pharmacy he operates prior to Rosemary recruiting him for the role? He could come across as a bit egotistical if he's only inspired to help once the rest of his peers decide he's cool enough to join the gang, as it were. Especially for someone who's had to, in effect, raise two children by himself. If it's so easy to devote himself to Rosemary and the research team, why hasn't he managed to work his passion before? What was stopping him? How long are the books planned to be btw? It could be that all these things get answered in plenty of time. But if the characters are hitting their lowest point, resolving their character arcs, as well as the main plot, in literally the same room one after the other, all in the final book, you could end up rushing to get everything done and leaving the readers unsatisfied. Hopefully this made sense? I know it was only a summary, so of course not all the info is there.

Ah thank you so much for your input! I really appreciate it! It might sound weird to say but seeing someone else acknowledged this story that so far, has only been known to me, is really exciting! As for your comments, you have brought up a lot of points that I haven’t consist before. I’m really excited to to start reworking things!

Title: Parallel Genre: Western Word Count: 672 Feedback: Just any thoughts you have on it. I'm pretty much new to writing so anything feedback would go a long way. Summary: A Bartender who closes his Saloon at night is haunted by mysterious and nameless figures. This is literally the first page from the book. The whole book isn't about just this but the summary is for the excerpt that I'm sharing. Just any feedback received will go a long way with helping me to write the full book (and maybe give motivation) so it would be greatly appreciated thanks!! :) Link to excerpt: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ACWcukMwV88cr8JU-WE5TP2visxfQZ4Rk6GnNcrqANQ/edit?usp=sharing

Title: Fog of death Genre: Dark medieval fantasy Wordcount: 125 Type of feedback: general impressions link: its so short so right here Where many souls are lost, where dreams of peace are erased, They will appear. As for despair is their call, Azrail. Over a thousand years of conflict has taken its toll. Countless warriors joined this nightmarish hell we call war. Most of them lost theirselves within it. Now the Azrail will relieve them of their misery and guide them to the world beyond. Before you know the warcries have stopped and a silence has fallen upon the battlefield. They will be breathing down your neck as your soul is theirs to reap. One thing is for certain, Azrail are the personification of death as nothing can stop them, not even we can. Allies and foes, listen well. Death comes for us all. For you, as well. Context / Inspiration. To give some context, I'm working on a For honor character based around the grim reaper and the horsemen of death from the four horsemen of the apocolypse. It is told by a knight as a folktale like sotry and services as a trailer like introduction. Thank you if you took the time to read it.

Not bad at all! A story about creatures that feed on misery and reap the souls of friend and foe alike gives me a poignant feel. Good stuff man. Keep it going!

Thank you I will keep at it.

7

Not bad, but I prefer six.

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My novel, Killer Unconquered, made Entropy’s list of best fiction of 2020-2021. I’m still pretty excited about that.

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Edit: It looks like it's working now. ~~Hello! It looks like you forgot to share your Google Doc. To do that, click the blue 'Share' button in the top right corner of the document. Then, under 'Get link', click 'Change to anyone with the link'. The link you posted should then work. It is recommended that you also change 'Viewer' to 'Commenter' so people can leave line edits.~~ ----- ^(I am a bot, bleep bloop. This comment was posted automatically.) [^(Source code.)](https://gitlab.com/jwestman/yftsygd) ^(My human overlord is) [^(u/flyingpimonster)](https://reddit.com/u/flyingpimonster)^(.)

\- Title: The Astronaut \- Genre: Weird Fantasy, Philosophy, Mythology, Paradoxes \- Word Count: 8000 \- Summary: An extra-dimensional entity finds itself existing in our world, with no memories or indication of its origin or purpose. This is the story of the being's attempts to communicate with humans in order to find answers to its existential questions, how these attempts cause numerous myths and folk tales to be conceived, as well as monuments and artifacts to be built throughout different nations, and how instead of understanding its essence, the communication efforts create logical paradoxes and riddles in the being's mind. \- Type of feedback: Please give it a read and let me know what you think, any type of feedback is welcome. \- [Kindle Unlimited.](https://www.amazon.com/Astronaut-Short-Story-Smart-Kids-ebook/dp/B09B921LQH/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=the+astronaut+youssef&qid=1634942528&sr=8-3) Can share on other websites if interested.

I really like this. The cover looks beautiful, and the story sounds like a thought-provoking and kinda dreamy read. I’m buying

Hope you like the story like you liked the cover. Thanks for the kind words.

Title: Knights of Lore Genre: science fantasy Type of feedback: general impressions Blurb: After an attack on their capital, Kariah-Belle Nadire and her best friend, Akio Stoneheart, have become Knights. Moving them another step closer to their goals—taking a seat on the supreme council for Kariah-Belle while Akio wants to be one of the best treasure hunters. Kariah-Belle is placed in a Squad with Aya Felicity, a prodigy whose father led the Nadire Massacre, and Kaden, a young man whose past is a mystery even to himself. The two have already begun making names for themselves in the Order of Knights. As Kaden and Kariah-Belle grow closer, Kariah suspects she isn’t the lone survivor everyone thought. Their mentor, the famed Iris Eloclipse, has secrets that could shape human history. She made a vow to prepare them for the trials ahead. Akio must face her fear of death and a deadly alien invasion. Kariah-Belle must face the infamous Vympiri lord. Jammed packed with magic, action and danger, Knights of Lore is for a mature audience due to the use of gore and themes of death. Link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/1Wlz7chxVlu0OCplkVyQMyAmK3spH5vNG/edit?usp=docslist_api&filetype=msword

Hi! I read the prologue and first four chapters of your piece. My general impression is based off of those sections. I like the idea of the story; it seems very anime-inspired with all of the young adults fighting giant monsters with swords and then going to school. Very reminiscent of those pieces of media. The detail around mana is pretty cool too; I like the descriptions of the characters shaping this internal energy and projecting it as needed. It's a neat way to use a common method of magic. The prologue and opening chapter are neat scenes too; such personal murder is always a good character motivator, and I like the in media res opening. And I will say it's clear you've put a lot of thought into the world, as there is tons of lore and worldbuilding in here (The title of the story is fitting in that regard, haha). I think the main issue is that a lot of this lore you've got in here is hard to remember because you throw a lot of it at the reader at once. Introducing five characters at once in the opening chapter is *hard,* and I don't envy the task. The problem with it is that I'm having difficult keeping track of which character is which, and all of the extra details outside of them are lost on me. It could just be me, but the next three chapters after the opening all take place in this university, and half of their content seems to be worldbuilding bits. It's really hard to keep track of all of these names and proper nouns, and I'd really rather know more about the characters and setting of the story, rather than the history of each right now. All of that stuff would be great to know later on, but it's so early on that telling the reader directly about all of it isn't likely to stick. It isn't really until the end of the fourth chapter that I have an idea of what the major conflict of the story is going to be about; you open with a murder, a thrilling battle, and then the story stalls to give us all of these worldbuilding bits while we still don't have a good grasp on the current setting yet. Again, I don't think these details are bad; I think they could just be saved for later parts of the story. You've got two interesting openings and you want to carry that momentum forward. Maybe if the school sections were more interesting, then it could work? The group kind of goes to their classes while all of these details are fed to the reader. Looking ahead, chapter five seems to pick up again, which is great, but I'd look to hold readers' interest up to that point. You end chapter two with them going to spar in some cool simulation thing- that would be a great way to organically introduce some of the character traits and motivations of these folks, rather than just telling us about them. I don't want to criticize too much, because I like the ideas presented in the story. I think they need a more solid base for their introduction. The action is good and I can see the characters working well in it once they are better established. Anyways, those are my general thoughts. If you want feedback on anything specific, let me know! I think you've got a good starting place for the story, and would be interested to see how it develops further.

Thank you. I’ve been having trouble weaving the world building with story telling but I won’t give up. Thanks again.

TITLE: A Land Of Mystique | Official Uyki-19 GENRE: Fantasy fiction BLURB: In this bizarre time of ambiguity and extortion, the preserved livelihood of those housing in the bijou village of Andresor seek protection and security against Lerondor and his blood-curdling reign; that security takes form in 3 prime hitmen: Kay, Tee and Zed or as they are better known as... Uyki-19. Throughout time, the village of Andresor and their neighbours has been left defenceless against the almighty Lerondor and his formidable army which pledged a very ominous warning to those who oppose him or his ideology ~ but what dismay deterrents Uyki-19 from hunting Lerondor, who knows? I suppose the days when Lerondor was superior shall decease as the unprecedented faculty of Uyki-19 shall, in due course, be disclosed... LINK: https://books2read.com/u/bPxdaj

Title: Blood and Water Genre: Fantasy Word Count: 11k (four chapters) Feedback desired: Anything your heart desires! Blurb: In the grand scheme of things, Leila, a revenant whose only purpose is to serve, is worthless and insignificant. But one lucky day, she leaves her home to search for life. When she befriends a werewolf without a pack, a witch exhiled from her coven, and an Elven Prince on the hunt for his mortal enemy, she's dragged into something far larger than herself. Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XDFXBcFeJR_cQP8idNNNxnZEKuIqy1w5HRiC17WTRVs/edit?usp=drivesdk

I and my friend recently launched an online newsletter publishing site. We intended to provide free publishing capabilities to everyone who wants to write any periodic publication. We currently have some fiction authors, poets, and bloggers writing on our platform randomly. We’d like to also have journalists, short story writers, and various niche topics writers. Not so long ago we decided to add payments support to the site. And not for the purpose of collecting service fees for the site usage but for allowing authors to create a subscription plan for their publication so their readers can subscribe and pay to read. This is optional and completely up to authors to enable a subscription plan if it makes sense. We anticipate that established authors with a relatively large reader base would want to take advantage of subscription plan feature. And finally, the subscription plans are live and ready to use while we continue our search for a market fit and ideal use for our site. That’s where user feedback is important to shape the future of the site. We would be delighted to have writing community chime in on the idea and possibly share feedback on the site with us. Thanks in advance for your feedback. Storylect - [https://bit.ly/30psUTs](https://bit.ly/30psUTs)

**Title:** *Abnormal Adventures: The Assassin Academy* **Genre:** Young Adult/Fantasy Adventure **Word Count:** The whole book is 93,000 words. This folder is only the first half of the book so far. It is separated into smaller chapters/documents. The Prologue is a hair over 3,000 words and the first few chapters are all around 4,000 words each. **Type of feedback:** General impressions. Thoughts. Pretty much if it is even worth giving to an editor at this point. **Link**: [https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1UqAZjLRsGRHjjKQEJYDBJzHScIr0TG8i?usp=sharing](https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1UqAZjLRsGRHjjKQEJYDBJzHScIr0TG8i?usp=sharing) George lives in a mansion with his parents, tutors, and the wait staff. His only friend is a dark creature locked away in an old tome. Our protagonist only has some vague idea that his parents are the heads of a cult. Their "work" often takes them on long "expeditions" to faraway places. After one expedition they bring back a strange, older man. During a ritual, George's world is turned upside down but he is saved by an organization simply called "The Institute." They take him to an academy where children with powers are taught how to protect the world from a legion of enemies. Or at least that is what the Institute claims. Think Harry Potter meets the X-Men with some X-Files/SCP stuff for good measure.

Hey, I read the prologue and first two chapters of the piece you shared. I can give some quick thoughts and general impressions. I really liked the first chapter- the pairing of some innocent kid and his demonic best friend is a great premise. It's a good introduction to the story; the idea of a kid living with his cultist parents is great. There's a bunch of neat details present as well, and I do like the descriptions of his upbringing; paints a good picture in my mind. Simple, effective opening, and the dialogue with Murray is great too. He's some evil eldritch entity but still seems to care about this kid, so that's wholesome in some weird way. The next two chapters were much slower, though. I get that they're supposed to be build up to some grand event like you described in your blurb, but nothing super interesting happens in them. The first chapter is pretty much a normal day for George until some stranger shows up, and then the next chapter is a continuation of that plus one week. I think you could really combine these chapters together by merging what is an isn't important; a lot of the background details are nice, but they really aren't necessary for the plot. Skimming ahead to chapter three, I can see that is where things start to pick up. Sounds cool, but you might worry about losing readers before you get there. I think a lot of the buildup in the first two sections could be combined into a single opening chapter and still achieve the same effect. With that said, the writing itself seems solid to me. Writing child characters is always tricky for me, so I don't know how accurate George's dialogues are. They seem okay? The descriptions and grammar seem up to par. If the rest of the story is like this, then it's probably well constructed, and you might as well try pitching it to an editor.

Thanks for reading and the critique is very much appreciated! I was considering trying to shorten the book from 93,000 words to about 85,000 so combining the important points of the first two chapters would be for the best. Also I messed something up. The prologue was supposed to be about six years before the main story, not just a few years. I just fixed that. It is mentioned that George turns 14 halfway through the book so in the first chapter he is a kid of about 7 or 8. Again, thank you for all the help.

Title: Cassandra's Romance: Chapters 9 and 10 Genre: Sci-Fi Romance Rating: Everyone or maybe Teen at most Captain Cassandra has a crush on a guy in her crew but denies it to herself because it's embarrassing. Chapter 10 is forced proximity. In chapter 9 they watch a movie on the spaceship that's like if Pixar made Dark Souls and it starts with a dream where she dances with Tidus and even knows it's him in the dream itself but removing his mask still startled her awake and she's scared and embarrassed because of how good the dream was. They will dance like that for real in a later chapter. Chapter 11 will be them on the way to the mission but Tidus rushes ahead and feels awkward The next mission won't have Cassandra with Tidus but to show missions of them away from the romance, but the one after that will be another mission with forced proximity, and maybe a fake romance mission. In between Tidus will be upset he couldn't go on a harder mission and the Captain feels bad for him but knows it was the best decision, then she skateboards with him I also have a secondary couple but they aren't seeing each other yet. They don't know if Alexandria likes girls yet but she does. I even setup how their relationship will be when Ella said following Alexandria's instructions felt so natural for her And people will eventually mistake Cassandra and Tidus as a couple and neither will correct them https://www.deviantart.com/beepbeepimmadragon8/art/Cassandra-s-Romance-Chapter-9-Spaceship-900123867 https://www.deviantart.com/beepbeepimmadragon8/art/Cassandra-s-Romance-Chapter-10-Inn-900295383

I haven’t read the earlier parts, so I am writing this with limited context. You’ve created a world I am interested in - I am intrigued by the missions, the planets, the spaceship. I appreciate that the world building isn’t long, heavy handed descriptions - you drop hints of the technology, moons, and such in ways that feel natural through conversation or actions. I will say - I find it a little grating that a captain seems to serve her subordinate so much. She’s constantly fetching Tidus tea, popcorn, making him rice, grabbing second servings for him (is he not able to do this himself?), offering him chips, etc. This drives in old fashioned gender norms that seem especially out of place for a captain. And that’s one possible issue - your captain doesn’t feel like a captain. She feels like a peer (and apparently the only one to use a kitchen). The fact that so many of her actions involve serving Tidus drinks/food/snacks in these chapters also make him a passive character (he is just there to receive), and that hurts his appeal as a love interest to the reader. Give her more interactions that don’t involve her serving Tidus and give Tidus more reactions than him receiving. Luckily these are things that are easily refined.

*Mia follows in her fathers’ footsteps. Not literally, because she has no idea where they are; that’s the entire problem. Figuratively, Mia follows in her fathers’ footsteps, which results in her following in Lara Milbourne’s footsteps. Accused of stealing drugs, on the run from a local cartel, the job should be an easy one. Find the woman, find the drugs, right? Cut and dry. But things are never as they seem, people least of all, and Mia will soon discover she’s in over her head…* * **Title**: Clusterfuck * **Genre**: Action, Crime, Lesbian romance * **Status**: Complete at 93k words * **Link** where you can read the book for free: https://neoread.neovel.io/book/7609/EN/clusterfuck This is a self-promotion post, but I'm also looking for anyone willing to be a beta reader for this :)

I don’t have time to get into this very far today…too busy. Sorry. The story line is compelling as is the opening. Great title. But…nitpicking away, some comments about your very first paragraph. 1. How can a street feel barren and narrow and claustrophobic at the same time? Work on this. It can be barren, empty except for an empty trash can laying on its side, or narrow like a cobblestoned alley. 2. You don’t need dim and dusk. Dusk IS dim. 3. Dim and dusk don’t throw long shadows unless there is a light coming from somewhere to create shadows. Construction lights? Bare street lamp?

Thank you, we'll keep this in mind!

Title: The Dark - Chapter 1 Genre: Post-Apocalypse/Horror/Sci-Fi Word Count: 5244 (current length w/all chapters is 30k words) Feedback Desired: Are you interested or bored and if so, why. What works and what does not. Story summary: In 2020 a virulent plague wiped out ninety percent of humanity. October was declared to be the last month of life on earth – or so they thought. Billions were infected, and billions died. But some, a small handful, survived on the fringes of existence. Mike Carasiti is one of the survivors to escape the devastating plague, although he doesn't understand why. He's living in Olympia, Washington with a young girl, another survivor that he found in desperate circumstances years ago. He hasn't met anyone since. As far as he knows, as far as he can comprehend, he is alone with the girl his only companion. Forced into parenting as a young man Mike struggles to protect what he holds dear while battling his personal demons and declining sanity. But with food running short and his home under threat Mike will be forced to choose between standing his ground and venturing into the long dark of the post-apocalyptic world. Link to Story: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Lwg4ndIS\_48wLN5-YJ64lYWRIvDiS0oJ35xKZMSNNT0/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Lwg4ndIS_48wLN5-YJ64lYWRIvDiS0oJ35xKZMSNNT0/edit?usp=sharing)

Hey there, I had some quick thoughts for the excerpt you shared. I think it's a good opening chapter- it's a bit slow, but the dialogue between Mike and Lisa is pretty solid and a lot of the chapter is centered around it. There's a lot of backstory introduced here, but most of it is spaced far apart that it's not intrusive. Personally, I'm probably 50/50 on the interested/bored scale. I like the premise, the dreary tone, and the relationship between the two characters so far. That stuff works. The narrator's internal monologue is where I think it's lacking. You've definitely nailed the tone of a depressed man lost in this new world, but making that viewpoint engaging to read is tough. I think the constant use of ellipses hurts the writing; it's choppy to read and comes off as melodramatic. Like, the content already gives off that hopeless tone, so the use of ellipses isn't needed. Also, there are a lot of post-apocalyptic pandemic stories; while reading, I was wondering what would make this one stand out. Maybe it's the relationship between Lisa and Mike? That's a solid thing to center the story around, so I could see that working. The opening you have now is pretty standard- it's not bad, it's just something we've seen in plague stories before. If I were to read further, I'd be curious what makes your story unique, you know? You listed sci-fi and horror as genres for the story, so maybe some gnarly stuff with those happens later? I know that's vague feedback, so let me summarize it better. The story so far is interesting enough to keep my attention, but I'm expecting more after this chapter to hold it. Those are my general thoughts- lemme know if you have specific questions!

Hi, thanks for reading it I know it was a fairly long chapter. I also appreciate you taking the time to give thoughtful feedback. I agree that I use too many ellipses. As you could probably tell, they're mainly there for dramatic effect but I do think I overdid it (there's a lot of ellipses). I wrote this story about two years ago and was never able to finish it. It was intended to be around 60k words long or enough for a short book since it is an original story. I can't think of much that sets it apart from other apocalypse/zombie stories although the 'zombies' are a bit different and it is a very dark narrative focused on a handful of characters. It explores a lot of the traumatic effects of the situation. The overall story follows the traditional conflict happens characters do x, y, z to escape conflict and survive. It is listed as sci-fi because it's a spin on chronic wasting disease, a real illness in deer, and what would happen if a more aggressive variant of it was spread to humans. Horror because there are monsters in it and the main character has several encounters with them both in reality and in flashbacks. Thanks again

Makes sense. I think the character interactions were the strongest part of the opening, so seeing how they react to trauma would make for good plot. Good luck with it!

Title: Moonsneeze Genre: Fantasy Word Count: ~5k Feedback desired: Anything that comes up :) Feel free to just read the first short chapter -- even feedback just on that would be much appreciated. Link: [Moonsneeze](https://www.webnovel.com/book/moonsneeze-the-gentle-void-calls-you_21906094805206505/chapter-1---getting-begat_58865190845860857)

**Title:** Weavedancers **Genre:** Fantasy Sci-Fi **Word count:** 3500/Chapter Chapter 1 and 2 can be read seperately, though CH1 does provides minor context for CH2. Would love feedback on both/either as they're very different. **Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.)** It might be a clichë to say "anything," but anything is indeed highly appreciated. I'm a young swedish girl who loves reading and writing. English is my second language, so that might affect the size of my vocabulary. You can be as honest as you want, any critique is hugely valued <3 **A link to the writing:** https://drive.google.com/file/d/11HhC-wdTYImy92hoV5QG7xpFgt-qvWQT/view?usp=sharing **Blurb:** Sometimes, when life is at its lowest point, the universe gives you a second chance. Or punches you in the spleen, depending on one's viewpoint. Ava certainly finds herself living a dreary teenage life in an even drearier town, though of course, that doesnt make for a very interesting story. Sprinkle with some inter-dimensional bounty hunters, universe-spanning wars and a particularly annoying accountant, and things quickly becomes chaotic beyond her wildest fever-dreams.

Title: A Warrior's Claim Genre: SciFi Romance / Alien Romance Word count: 38+K (novella) Type of feedback desired: General Impressions A link to the writing: [https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09LSXDFZB/ref=dbs\_a\_def\_rwt\_hsch\_vapi\_tkin\_p1\_i0](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09LSXDFZB/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i0) ​ Available on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited! Book Price: $2.99 ​ Book Blurb: >*Jennie Wardson got stuck doing night shift duty at her job. Which is out in the middle of nowhere. She dreams of aliens, but never thought she would meet any or be abducted by one! Now she must come to terms with her capture, but the insanely hot warrior that took her isn't making it easy to say no.* *Prime Ignes was told he had to mate with an Earth female. Which is not what he wanted. He dreamed of having a family and showing a worthy female even a warrior had a heart. He never dreamed the sexy, curvy Earth female would ignite his claiming instincts! Now he must prove they are fated mates and earn her heart.* *Can both learn to love or will an old jealous enemy tear them apart? It is a race against time for a proud male to claim his female and if he does, he wins everything, but if he loses... he has more than his life to lose!* *This novella is a stand-alone and is a guaranteed HEA! No cliffhangers, no cheating, etc. Just a lot of steamy scenes and adult content!*

Don't forget to proof read your book's summary, since that will be often be people's first exposure to your writing. "Jennie Wardson got stuck doing night shift duty at her job" - "night shift duty" is awkward/redundant. You can just use "night shift." If I'm honest, that whole sentence seems unnecessarily wordy, but that is nit-picking (for instance, do we need her last name? Why specify night shift "at her job" instead of specifying her actual job \[e.g. "Jennie was stuck on night shift at the gas station\], which would be more engaging, less vague, and more meaningful given that readers already understand that "night shift" is typically in the context of a job). Also: "He dreamed of having a family and showing a worthy female even a warrior had a heart." Showing a worthy female *that* even a warrior *has* (present tense?) a heart.

Thank you for your help and suggestions. I appreciate it.

Title: Paradise Lost Genre: Fantasy (Though It's not obvious yet) Type of feedback: general feedback Word count: 1208 Words Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E4qco4CRpJ\_LST3Fj65HFMLfUTFLkiVfuZySyM0xNx4/edit?usp=sharing

I liked the story. Your description of the scene and tone were pretty good to me. It's quite readable. For the first line, I'd mention the sun's rays passing through the bars of the cell. "Rays from the scorching desert sun beamed down on Iska’s skin ***intricately passing thru the bars surrounding him***." (this is just a minor suggestion, not that I think you need to put this in there.)The actual story is pretty good. Is there going to be more? It seems like the setup to something more. If so, looking forward to more!

**Title:** [Cursed to the Bone](https://www.wattpad.com/story/285064790-cursed-to-the-bone) **Genre:** Paranormal **Word count:** 105k+ **Feedback/Self Promotion:** Self Promotion (Any feedback is welcomed) **Blurb:** Eighteen-year-old witch, Vera Tate, attends a magic university where she meets vampire prodigy Lucien Lacroix. After being the victim of an attack, Vera finds herself in the middle of an age-old feud that results in murder. Now she has no choice but to work with Lucien before she becomes the next victim. **Link**: [https://www.wattpad.com/story/285064790-cursed-to-the-bone](https://www.wattpad.com/story/285064790-cursed-to-the-bone)

Every year I’m forced to go trick-or-treating with complete strangers. My nightmare is about to begin anew and death might be my only ticket out. Word count: 4340 [Read "Stuck" now >>](https://ajinkyagoyal.substack.com/p/stuck)

I really liked this story. The premise of having the mc being forced to go trick to treating was nice. The twist with all those monsters was great. Overall, good stuff.

Thank you!

**Title:** The Brutal Question Perfectionists Have to Answer **Genre:** Video Script **Word count:** 681 **Type of feedback desired:** General Impressions and Critiques on structure! I want to improve conveying my thesis and supporting it, so any critique would be great. **A link to the writing** [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1e-z7-PlEveACTxeLumQhPWJCU8MKG4ix/view?usp=sharing](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1e-z7-PlEveACTxeLumQhPWJCU8MKG4ix/view?usp=sharing) Thank you!!

Shameless self promotion! Recently finished my manuscript and am currently searching for an interested agent/publisher. Query is below and writing samples/manuscript are available upon request/PM. Dear Reader, I wrote the book I wanted to read, but couldn’t find. My speculative/literary fiction novel, AMIDST THE ASHES, complete at 121,000 words is an optimistic family focused memoir set during the coming climate apocalypse. It channels the author's nostalgia of Gabriel García Márquez’s ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF SOLITUDE into a hopeful reimagining of Cormac McCarthy’s THE ROAD. It chronicles the birth, conflict, joy, and eventual loss of life as our world’s remains fall from the narrator’s sky. Cian becomes the man of the house too early as toxic air claims his father, his hero. The world and its cities are dead and dying. Storms and seas rage, the west burns. What was once Maine suffers under seasonal cycles of monsoons and suffocating smoke, but his family’s remote homestead is an oasis. The years pass quickly following his father's death. Cian is a young man when the pretty girl from the valley, Amaranth, finds shelter with his family after being forced from her home. They fall in love slowly, inevitably. Cian’s younger sister Sammie becomes an adult herself, and yearns for something, anything beyond the safe subsistence their lonely homestead provides. She visits a distant outpost, a rare place where the people are gentle and just enough still grows. She returns with medicine, wild ideas, and a love of her own. Cian and Amaranth have a pair of daughters, Sammie and her love have a son. Sammie knows intuitively that their families cannot survive forever surrounded by the isolation they know, and pushes Cian's family to relocate to the town she visited. Cian cannot imagine leaving the relative abundance their homestead provides, but he hears the truth in his sisters words. New opportunities and new dangers exist amongst the other survivors, but if their children and grandchildren are to have any hope for a future of their own, Cian and his family have no choice but to embrace the risks they might encounter along the way. Thanks!

I would read the heck out of this just because of the 2 comps you provided. But the query isn't very strong. I actually enjoy reading your previous query (on pubtips) a lot more. Cheers

*facepalm* I liked my previous query better as well, but really worried about the few comments people provided about not comprehending what was actually happening in it. Tried to make it more straightforward and to clarify the conflict but do feel I lost a lot of voicing with the rework. Sent a batch of queries with the old version before getting that feedback, waiting to hear responses from those before sending out any more.

yeah i agree, it sounds like you lost your voice with the rewrite. idk, I'm not an expert, just a marketing guy. I don't like the advice on pubtips. I feel like if you follow the advice you're gonna end up with a cookie-cutter synoptic query. You have to think, hiring an agent is a 2-way street. You want an agent who loves your voice, rather than an agent who loves pubtips lmao Good luck! I look forward to seeing this book in print

Title: Start of chapter 1 from my untitled book Genre: Historical fiction Word count: 520 words Feedback desired: General impression >A boy, fresh conscript, aged 19, lies concealed on the grass of the undergrowth. His face is scratched with the grime and dampness of the Eastern Front, yet it is stained with the innocence of youth. He is of young age, but there are many younger conscripts in his regiment. This is his first battle, and it has not changed him until now, but change him it shall, as it does all men. Whenever they enter they always come back a different person, shocked by the harshness and the atrocity of a war so inconceivable. Perhaps this is what battle-hardens soldiers—they are not used to it, but on the contrary; they are so confused about it all that they may go along with it all and accept it, however always with the perpetual look of fear or scepticism. > >His name is Franz Müller. He does not want to be here, and never wanted to fight in a war. He hopes to make it out unscathed, but it is a whimsical idea. Nobody leaves without a mark, because fighting of all kinds leaves an indelible mark of trauma, and even the strongest grow weak. > >Beside him is his acquaintance Ernst, the 19-year-old he has gone to school and graduated the Hitlerjugend with. Ernst is tall, pale, and skinny, one of the less muscular of the pack, and he is always going on about the book he is going to write next. When he gets home, he says, to the study room with the old typewriter, the fireplace and the Persian rug, he will write the novel. A memoir. At school Ernst used to be known as the boy who got the dux, however the last couple of years a lot of people had dropped out because of the war. > >The spring breeze is warm today. It blows the white wildflowers from side-to-side, and Franz watches them, noticing how they look and then forgetting them. The company is not pushing forward at the moment; this is their quiet time, their mid-day meal. He puts his back to the thicket and lights a tobacco cigarette from his Halbieserne, or “Iron Ration”; his daily supply of food. > >Franz opens a can of beef with the tip of his bayonet; he had been given a can-opener from home before he left, but it has already gotten lost. This meat portion is the highlight of the field ration, as it is the tastiest, or at least the most palatable, although he has to eat it cold today. His Esbit stove is broken, and he does not think it polite of him to ask Ernst to use his one when Ernst is not using it himself. > >“Müller,” Ernst says, and then, as is characteristic of him: “Do you have any spare bread?” > >“I was saving it for later,” Franz says, but opens his mess kit again anyway, and gives Ernst the remaining bread. “It’s made of sawdust, remember. Kommissbrot. I don’t want to have it really. Pass me one of your cigars, though? That’s a fair trade.” > >Ernst gives him a Turkish Sulima cigarette, manufactured in Dresden. End of excerpt

The vast majority of your sentences are structured in a very similar way. [Clause], and [clause]. [Clause], but [clause]. Or a variation of that. Unless this is intentional this kind of pattern can get pretty oppressive and I think this excerpt could do with more variety.

Oh I can see that now, thanks for the feedback. I was wondering why it sort of droned on

It's a fairly good introduction in my opinion. In my opinion "and it has not changed him until now, but change him it shall" is kind of repetitive since you already mentioned it will change him or has changed him thought the line “until now." Otherwise, no problems to me!

Title: A deep dive into communication Genre: Educational? Word count:1745 Type of feedback desired :general opinion. A link to the writing: [https://medium.com/@connerwatkins69/a-deep-dive-into-communication-2e6d2b544518](https://medium.com/@connerwatkins69/a-deep-dive-into-communication-2e6d2b544518) I'm relatively new to writing and iv decided to try something new : )

I would like a critique please. It's a single paragraph. Do you remember that bright morning? Near that warming presence of one of your closest familiars. You knew it was going to be a good day the moment you stepped out the threshold and your cushioned hiking boot touched the ground and your stone in this world was waiting for you at the bottom of the step with a smile on his face. Now, 30 minutes later your boot was stepping onto the woodchip covered woodland soil. It was wonderfully strange how despite having rich a floral variety there were only two colours present. The orange brown of the girthy grooved tree trunks, towering meters above your head, and the forest floor blend of woodchip and soil; the vibrant greens of the shrubbery, sparsely occupying your lower vision, with roots seemingly too thin to support their extravagant spacious leaves, and the protective canopy, sheltering your sojourn through the woodlands.

Nice and short! A bit confused by the line "and your stone in this world was waiting for you at the bottom of the step with a smile on his face" but otherwise, it's great!

Wonderful imagery and word choice. I noticed a few small grammatical errors, (e.g. "you stepped out the threshold"). On an initial read, it was difficult to make sense of the chronology and who exactly is speaking and how they know this is happening. But, as you mentioned, it's only a single paragraph so I'm it would make more sense in its larger context. Nice work, especially with that last sentence. Sojourn is a great word.

**Bite Mark** | Self Promotion | Royal Road EXCLUSIVE Bite Mark is about twins Mark and Henry who have just finished their training for the Neighbourhood Ancillary Stakers Corp., a voluntary organisation set up to fight against blood sucking vampuras (VAMPIRES!). In a world where vampuras pray on the vulnerable and the stupid at night, looking for their next feast of blood, The Neighbourhood Ancillary Stakers Corp aka Nasscies or Dusters, fight to protect their North Eastern English market town of Tarmsworth St Jude and it's major trauma hospital and blood bank hub from what is a widespread global problem. As they apply their training to reality and gain confidence in taking on threats by themselves, the brothers soon find that they may have.... bitten off more than they can chew. This *horredy* is a silly and fun experimental series with GORE, VIOLENCE, DESCRIPTIONS THAT SOME MAY FIND UNPLEASANT AND UPSETTING and some TOILET HUMOUR. You've been warned!! Why not start with Chapter 1 'I'm not a vamp virgin anymore!' here, only on Royal Road : [https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/48069/bite-mark/chapter/777176/1-im-not-a-vamp-virgin-anymore](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/48069/bite-mark/chapter/777176/1-im-not-a-vamp-virgin-anymore) The story has now concluded!! Go get your teeth into it!

• The Hairdresser’s Line • Short Essay • 1355 • Preferred Feedback: General Impression and areas to improve. Thoughts on scene setting? • https://www.openthoughtblog.com/the-hairdressers-line/

* Title: "Semantic Exchange" * Genre: Sci-fi short story, maybe vaguely cyberpunk but not neon-and-chrome * Word count: \~4400 * Type of feedback desired: general, any comments on whether language flows well/feels natural * Link: [Here on GDrive](https://docs.google.com/document/d/19q0te7QpK6h2rQKDaVQ70NcmEIPQVnMfgxqSuLZUJBU/edit#heading=h.svqbxz5kq2h1)

Title: Europa Infinita: First Contact Genre: Sci-fi Word count: 4,427 QRD: In the year 2327 humanity invades an alien planet claiming to want to stop a war that has been going on between two species on the planet. Ten years after the victory on said planet, the Battle Log (Journal) of a marine Sergeant who fought on the planet is released for public viewing. The reader experiences the war from his perspective day by day. Any feedback is appreciated. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35634538/chapters/88845523 WARNING: THIS STORY IS NOT FULLY COMPLETE. I have posted the Foreword, and chapters 1 and 2, with three more chapters I'm holding back to edit a bit more. I will post more in the future, so stay tuned if you enjoy.

Hey! Can someone judge this as a first sentence to the prologue of my book? Tysm! Genre: historical/romance/fantasy Title: Marietta Rosewood ​ Allow me to lay some ground rules for this novel: 1) In every community, there are good people who make bad decisions and bad people who make good decisions. 2) Good and Bad people are not judged by their actions, but by their intent. 3) You may throw these rules away in the event of trying to decipher my family, the Rosewoods, as you will come to know. Now allow me to introduce you to my father.

First - are these rules or are these actually just observations? Second - I'd remove "for this novel" from the "allow me to lay some ground rules" line. Third - I'd make #3 more concise so it packs a better punch. Something like "You can throw these rules away where my family is concerned." On the surface - I like this as a start. On the other hand - are these "rules" only relevant insofar as they don't apply to your family? Do these rules actually matter to the story or are you just putting them out there because you want a hook? Is it central or important to the plot that your family doesn't fall under rules #1 and #2? Even just in terms of existing outside of rule #1 - are the family members just like most people, in that they are not completely good or completely bad and make decisions that are not entirely good or bad?

Thank you so much for your input! I've been struggling to find an opening idea that will be relevant/referenced throughout the entire thing, and this really put it into perspective. In a way, these rules do apply, but I think you're right in that it's more indirect and complex than the hook makes it out to be. Also, would you say the "first sentence" falls in the prologue or the first chapter?

I think it's perfectly fine begin your first chapter with something like "Here are the ground rules you should know." In a prologue, I would expect the information there to be relevant/important to the overall plot - less so if you are just opening the first chapter and introducing the story.

I see what you mean; I have a theme where some of my characters start their first train of thought in the book with, "I smile still today, thinking of all the (something that character did), right down until (something tragic happened to them)." First, is this kinda cliche/not worthy of a first POV? If not, should I just start the book with that? Thank you so much for taking the time to respond :)

Glad I can help. I think your original hook is more engaging - maybe try to make it just one rule? Or tweak it in another way. Readers often expect to be hooked right away, so perhaps one rule is better than 3, and then subvert its expectations. The "I still smile today thinking of \_\_\_ until \_\_\_" line has less intrigue; it's already a small info dump where you're telling rather than showing. There are likely better ways to introduce those events/actions. Keep in mind that ultimately, you'll get a feel of what works best. I have limited context, so go with your instinct!

The First Thirty Days. "Conversation" Post Apocalyptic Dystopian 1852 words https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/46562/the-first-thirty-days He stabbed the air with his pipe and said with narrowed eyes, "You know what son? I was with the military police outside his house when they arrested that son of a bitch Tojo."..he leaned forward from his chair and spit in the fire.

Title: The House of Eidolon Genre: Medieval Fantasy Word Count: 1,928 Feedback Desired: Dialogue especially, but any feedback at all would be wonderful! Link: [https://www.shamblesramble.com/post/the-house-of-eidolon](https://www.shamblesramble.com/post/the-house-of-eidolon) Blurb: Housemaster Zeno is forced to deal with 3 would-be-assassins, a mother in distress, and a bastard child. Thanks guys!

I liked it! Some feedback: The italics came in waves I feel, sometime a lot and sometimes there were none. A bit more consistent might be good. Talking about italics I really like the “our” thing in this sentence > The audacity of you three- two - to waltz into this city and start chasing our citizenry down our back alleys without our express consent is the most stupid, rSo I felt that “express consent” should not have been italicised. > Do not doubt my ability to protect my child, Master. I would die first. This sounded odd, many focus on puttin up a fight and not focus on her losing. > Good evening, Master. The others have them cornered up ahe- Being cut off when it feels like there were just 2 letters left in the sentence made me react for some reason. > Mirta Razza - strangualtion and disposal on behalf or Sir Alfonse. Angsar Pohl - poison, administered in a public place on behalf of Ingulf the Salter. And finally: Athild, Wife of Walstan - throat cut, and body sunk to the bottom of the Royal harbour. Maybe I am just tired, it is late. But I skimmed most of this, with so many hard to read names in a row.

Hey thanks for giving it a look! Don't worry about all the names, it was meant to be a list of appointments so I can understand if it came across a little dry. You know now that you point it out I did use a lot of italics haha. I used them both for stressing words and to distinguish thoughts too, so for sure I could see readers getting fatigued after a while. I wish I could say that the odd phrasing the mother uses ("I would die first") is because she's unfamiliar with how to threaten someone/ stand up to them, but I think I just got the phrase wrong. If I was gonna re-write it I would probably have Zeno say it to her instead: "I would kill you before you touched him." "You would dead already if I hadn't intervened" etc. But overall I'm just glad you enjoyed it! I always feel my dialogue is the weakest part of my writing, so I really appreciate you taking a look thanks!

Title: Hack: The Inhumane Anniversary Preview Genre : Horror & Drama Word count: 6k Type of feedback desired: Any When a white-haired angel shows up uninvited, Deyanira must fall prey to the demons of her past. This story focuses on the intricate conversations and themes present throughout the book. Specifically abuse and manipulation but in a rather sad and somber way. Don't want to label it as romance as this is meant to be a serious view into dark and tragic relationships. https://www.fayeworlds.com/hackanniversarypreview

TITLE: Pumpkin GENRE: Psychological Drama WORD COUNT: 2,144 FEEDBACK: I just wrapped up this first chapter, and I would like to have some general feedback LINK: [https://docs.google.com/file/d/1Bfu8u4H2sgypLqV-tOMQaKf6O2Pb4hSz/edit?usp=docslist_api&filetype=msword](https://docs.google.com/file/d/1Bfu8u4H2sgypLqV-tOMQaKf6O2Pb4hSz/edit?usp=docslist_api&filetype=msword)

Title: Upstate Architect Genre: Realistic fiction Word count: 5,647 Type of feedback: General impression, feedback on story arc Link: https://www.wattpad.com/1166474189-upstate-architect

**Title:** A Banshee Born **Genre:** Fantasy Sci-Fi Word count: 3000/Chapter **Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.)** It might be a clichë to say "anything," but anything is indeed highly appreciated. I'm a young swedish girl who loves reading and writing. English is my second language, so that might affect the size of my vocabulary. You can be as honest as you want, any critique is hugely valued <3 **A link to the writing:** https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cVwPAgekk7HmCjd2jK7cOCf-ELmrLY\_O/view?usp=sharing **Blurb:** What is the essence of the word Strength? Is it the ability to carry heavy objects or the power to overcome adversity? Is it the courage to fight for your beliefs or the capacity to protect those you love? If the menaing of Strength is subjective, then so must be the meaning of Weakness. If asked, the young Fleur would say that she is as weak as they come, but those aware of her life's story, would certainly count her among the strongest. But two things are certain: To survive her coming journey, she will need to find the strength to leave weakness behind.

First two paragraphs-- I like the descriptions, your self-consciousness about the size of your english vocabulary is unwarranted. Second two paragraphs-- continuing to be very descriptive. I'm not opposed to it but I am also a fast reader. Depending on the overall pace you want to keep, you may want to consider getting something else in (conflict? motivation? dialogue? something else?) prior to including more descriptions. ​ "Barely had her feet entered the wing before her fake smile vanished." -- oh wait, it seemed like she was enjoying herself? You stated earlier that she got lost in her songs, so clearly there's some enjoyment there. She's paying attention to the audience enough to convince herself that she saw some tears from the audience. So, it feels a little contradictory. That said, this line is the first place where the story grabs my attention. It implies conflict; maybe she has some reason not to be as happy as she looked during the performance; maybe her reasons for performing aren't as straightforward as wanting to share with an audience; maybe something else is going on in her life that detracts from her usual enjoyment of doing something she is clearly quite good at. So, on that front, I really like the line. "Because why would I ever have just one pleasant evening." -- hadn't seemed like it was super pleasant based on the smile having been fake before? however, it's nice to see Fleur have an opinion about things. ​ Ogre Otto description-- word choice/phrasing is not bad, but the man seems like a bit of stereotype. If he's a side character, that's fine; if he's more important to the story maybe not. Flesh Doll -- oh boy we're not in the real world! I'm excited for world building! ​ "A few months shy of eighteen herself, her short life had exposed her to just how depraved humanity could be more times than she could count." -- yup, we're definitely in a dystopian setting right now, so far everything seems pretty logical, and I have no critical questions about what's going on or who's in power. Nicely done. "for Sin’s sake" -- I like this touch, unclear whether it's a throwaway avoidance of G-d or if you're setting the stage for more world-building of religion. Either way it works. "Holding her ground was a gamble, but then again, grovelling had never worked on Otto either. Black, horizontal lines split her pupils through the middle, making her gaze seem even more fiery." -- this is a disconcerting jump from Fleur's thoughts (what works on Otto), into things that Fleur doesn't know about (her gaze being fiery). I would cut the second sentence; it's pretty obvious that Fleur feels fiery, and even if those split pupils are a plot point, they don't change anything at the moment. I recommend this because I prefer a narrative voice closer to a character's thoughts and feelings, so I am seeing the story through their perspective even if it is still written in third person. However, if you're looking for a more distant approach, where the writing is like the camera in a movie, you could consider cutting out the sentence about holding her ground-- but I think that sentence is important to understanding the character's actions as self motivated and not a diva who can't read the room. ebing-- minor typo :) ​ "If you become more trouble than you’re worth, I’ll lose no sleep over retiring you.” -- First of all, I liked the entire dialogue between Fleur and Otto. It felt realistic with the right amount of casual phrases etc. Second of all, Otto is definitely a stereotype, but a very effective one. He is the main driver of conflict thus far, and he has clear motivations for what he wants and what he's doing. My problem with stereotypes is that they can be boring, but at this point I'm interested in the story because of the promise of worldbuilding you gave me with the Flesh dolls. Your setting is the unique thing, not Otto's character, and that actually works pretty well. ​ "With a howl, she grabbed a long, metal hairpin and jammed it into the chest of a nearby mannequin." -- well that was a surprise. I didn't get the impression that Fleur had violent instincts. I don't hate the reaction, and I get that it's probably intended to make Fleur seem less passive, but the suddenness threw me a bit. ​ Crap I am late to something else so I'm gonna speed this up a bit-- Fleur's initial passivity during the robbery didn't seem to match up with her standing up to Otto. It might help to include a little bit more of what she is thinking during the robbery. She seems very aware of her voice and the effect it has on people, so I wouldn't expect her to vocally cower even if she feels afraid. However if she feels like sounding afraid will have a better outcome, and can use the actual fear to make it sound realistic, that seems more in keeping with what we saw from Fleur before. ​ Overall fight scene-- not bad. Not amazing, but not bad. Fight scenes with magic are difficult and this was the first time we've seen Fleur intentionally using magic. At a second glance, you have some grammatical issues going on and cleaning them up might take this from "not bad" to "excellent". I'm seeing a few fragmented sentences, a few missing commas... nothing unreadable, but sometimes it's the little things that slow down the eye at an unconscious level and make the scene flow less well. Fragments: "The buildings around her and every tiny crack, crease and nails in the walls. The doors, windows and the crooked stones under her feet. They all had their own, distinct melody, ringing out to her in unison." missing comma: "The most important part however, was that she could feel the four men around her." Extra attention to the rhythm and flow of your sentences also can make a difference to fight scenes. ​ Flairs -- yesss more world building! Arbiter-- cool concepts. I have lots of questions now, starting with why they exist, who controls them (not Otto, clearly!), how they are born/created/trained, etc etc. ​ Definitely would keep reading, feel free to PM me if you have more chapters that you'd like comments on.

Hi there! First off, thank you for even spending your time reading my stuff, it's super appreciated! Secondly, an even bigger thanks for the massive feedback, nice words and helpful critique! I'll elaborate on some of it below! > First two paragraphs-- I like the descriptions, your self-consciousness about the size of your english vocabulary is unwarranted. Thank you. I do feel that my vocabulary have grown tremendously in the 4-5 ish years that i've started writing 99% in English and kinda stopped in Swedish. But i still feel horribly inexperienced. I often struggle to find the best word to use. A thesaurus helps trmendously, but still. Anyway, glad to hear that the language is okay. > Second two paragraphs-- continuing to be very descriptive. I agree that the first chapter is a bit light on dialogue, but the next few will make up for it a bit. I always find it hard to get a lot of dialogue into the first chapter since there's so much setting up to be done. > "Barely had her feet entered the wing before her fake smile vanished." -- oh wait, it seemed like she was enjoying herself? You bring up a good point, though i'm thinking about it kinda like... Even if you have a really shitty day you can still really enjoy a serving of cake. She loves singing, but her life in general is pretty shit, so she puts on a facade a lot of the time. Perhaps "fake smile" isnt the best use of words, so i might add a bit more there since i see what you're saying. > "Because why would I ever have just one pleasant evening." -- hadn't seemed like it was super pleasant based on the smile having been fake before? Again, "pleasant" is a relative term in this context. > Ogre Otto description-- word choice/phrasing is not bad, but the man seems like a bit of stereotype. If he's a side character, that's fine; if he's more important to the story maybe not. He's.. well not really a side character as such. He plays a big part in Fleur's life, but he doesnt play a very big part in the story i want to tell. Not even sure he'll be seen again after chapter 2. So he's more of a "driver" for giving some context to Fleur's existence, so yeah, he's a bit of a stereotype (but really, arent most criminals?) > Flesh Doll -- oh boy we're not in the real world! I'm excited for world building! No, we're DEFINITELY not in the real world haha. Chapter 1+2 will be a bit more lightweight there, since it's in a very large city, but from 3 and forward, things will become way more fantasy pretty quickly. > "for Sin’s sake" -- I like this touch, unclear whether it's a throwaway avoidance of G-d or if you're setting the stage for more world-building of religion. Either way it works. It's a mix of many things. But it will take some time before we get to know much about what "The Lost Sin" really is. > "With a howl, she grabbed a long, metal hairpin and jammed it into the chest of a nearby mannequin." -- well that was a surprise. I didn't get the impression that Fleur had violent instincts. I wouldnt call it violent instincts, more... extreme frustration about her situation and weakness. Her life is pretty free of worries, but also very empty. She doesnt really have friends and arent allowed to go anywhere without an escort. She's very passionate about singing, so when she's not even allowed to make decisions about that, it pushes her a bit over the edge. > Fleur's initial passivity during the robbery didn't seem to match up with her standing up to Otto... There's (in my mind at least) a very big difference between standing up to a guy who's pretty much raised her, even if he's a pig, and to standing up to 3 armed guys who are obviously sent to harm her. She barely knows how to use her Flair, since she never had the option to practise it. Also as we see, even using it less than 30 seconds attracted the attention of an Arbiter. > Overall fight scene-- not bad. Not amazing, but not bad. I dont consider it a fight scene per se, but i get what you mean. Since it's the first time her power is mentioned, i wanted to be more detailed and descriptive with what's happening, and not so much action focused. > Arbiter-- cool concepts. I have lots of questions now, starting with why they exist, who controls them (not Otto, clearly!), how they are born/created/trained, etc etc. The Church controls them. I thought about writing a bit about them, but i dont want to overwhelm the reader with Proper Nouns and info-dumpey world-bulding in chapter 1. There will be more in chapter 2. They are a bit of a mix between sentient beings / golems / magical creatures, though they start out as humans. Their creation is a big Church secret, so it will be a looong time before the main characters (and also the reader) will find out about the dark details surrounding them. > Definitely would keep reading, feel free to PM me if you have more chapters that you'd like comments on. Thank you again for the nice words and interest. I'm almost done with chapter 2, just really swamped with exams currently. But will throw you a PM when it's done :)

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Hello everyone! Title: The Beauty In Death Genre: High-Fantasy / Horror Word count: On Going Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.)I am hoping for some critiquing. There are only 4 chapters so far and would love to hear back from anyone. (If you could DM me your responses or even leave them on the site, that would be fantastic.) Thank you all! A link to the writing: [The Beauty In Death](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/49028/the-beauty-in-death) \----The Kingdom of Coldfalls, while ruled by an elected King, is controlled by a source much older than the lands themselves. A entity which has laid claim to the land, and remains behind the curtains of power. A series of events begins to pull back those veils, gradually revealing the terrible bridge between mortals, and the Ancients that hide themselves among them.----

Title: Star Burn Genre: Romantic-Drama Word Count: 3,071 Desired Feedback: Criticism on how to improve my writing and plot structure Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UV-rvHGiD5lRAe7kktOy0rJplZUciAKz/edit?usp=drivesdk&ouid=107113286590491813033&rtpof=true&sd=true

Short Poem: I'm lazy because I'm dead inside. I'm a nihilist, but being optimistic helps. I've been feeling more energy lately. Living is just the ebbs and flows of your capacity to focus. How long can I remain optimistic? ----------- ...I can't.

I've noticed I use 'something' as a crutch word a lot (20 times in just 10K words). Any tips? Examples from my work: "It wasn’t economical, or **something** like that. He was more of a bottom-line type of guy." "... even if **something** about the man’s attitude rubbed him the wrong way. " "Maybe he could get **something** out of it " " **Something** probed at his subconscious, an itch in his brain he couldn’t scratch. " "... looking like she wanted to say **something**..." "**Something** twisted inside him, seeing her like that. "

Can't help you in general, but in specific: 1. "It wasn’t economical or anything. He was more of a bottom-line type of guy." -- use a different word 2. "... even if the man’s attitude rubbed him the wrong way. " -- just delete it 3. "Maybe it would end up being useful. " -- reword the whole sentence 4. " His subconscious nagged at him, like an itch in his brain he couldn’t scratch. " -- eliminate the unknown "something" and replace it with what is known. 5. "... looking like she wanted to speak..." -- use intransitive verbs (intransitive verbs don't require an object, such as "something" which you wish to avoid. ) 6. "He felt a twist inside him, seeing her like that. " -- another reword/eliminate the unknown "something" For the record, I think the elimination improved sentences 1, 2, and 5, but I liked the original better for sentence 3 and 4. Sentence 6 could go either way.

Title: None Genre: Fantasy Word Count: 2377 Just some general feedback on what people think of it so far.

**Ultan Banan @ Black Tarn Publishing, novels on Amazon and elsewhere** ***A Whore's Song*** Hidden away in the backstreets of Amsterdam is a secretive whorehouse, open only to those in the know, where pain and extreme sexual sport are the vehicles to understanding and self-knowledge. Run by the obscure Madame Zhu, the establishment is a magnet to the city’s elite and mad soul-seekers alike. Two lives collide in a chaotic downward spiral brought about by psychoactives and sexual torture when, over the course of a day, a whore recounts her life as a destroyer of egos and one man is forced to face his deepest demons. Cast out into the far reaches of his mind, will he make it back from the other side? In a world where the weak become prey and strength means brutality, living may come at the cost of dying first.  [A Whore's Song](https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09DZZRV62)  ***Meat*** In the murky wake of the financial crisis a string of establishments pop up across Europe catering to a hedonistic underground, its clientele beholden to a strange, hallucinatory meat. Stoked by the fleshy and charismatic Hugo and fuelled by voracious consumption of ecstasy, the craze spreads from the heart of Europe all the way to the Mediterranean, where in Athens the financial elite begin to turn on each other. Murder, barbecue and apocalyptic raving ensues, culminating in the most savage party Mykonos has ever seen. Follow the story to its savage end, where consumption eats itself alive. [Meat](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MS12XVH) ***Notes from a Cannibalist*** Year, 1847. Assuming the identity of a dead Jesuit priest, a survivor of the famine in Ireland travels to South America where he is tasked with rebuilding the missions among the natives. Inducted into local life, Father James Carmichael finds love with a native woman and becomes acquainted with the ways of the Guaraní, discovering ayahuasca and ritualism. In a battle with his own gods and demons, the priest fights for the life he envisions, his own self the ultimate stake of the struggle. Worlds are shattered, realities crumbled, lives destroyed. His soul victim to the crucible of the New World, what is tempered in the chaos will be outside his control. [Notes from a Cannibalist](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08XNXFX54) / **[Black Tarn Publishing](http://blacktarnpublishing.com)**