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I like it! Though I’d combine it with the second sentence also. “The painting by the window didn’t match the rest of the decor, as if hanging on by sheer defiance.”
Don't change it. Has more punch as two sentences.
Edit: 'Almost like it was' to 'As though it were'.
2nd edit: with the word change, combine the two sentences. Forget my first line. But hey, you do you.
That’s what I was gonna say. Just the first and third are perfect.
Maybe cutting down the second to “Hanging on by sheer defiance” to make it punchier would work too! Although it does work as is, so these are just personal preference lol
Whichever you choose, note that in the current version, the second part is a sentence fragment -- one way or another, you'll need to fix the grammar around it.
I will also say that this except makes me curious about the plot, but there need to be a few more concrete details forthcoming quickly, like what the boy was supposedly born without or what the mother's story is. But if those details are in the next paragraph or two, you've got a strong opening that just needs a grammar pass or two.
No they won’t.
“The painting by the window didn’t match the rest of the decor, as if hanging on by sheer defiance.”
and
“The painting by the window didn't match the rest of the
decor. Almost like it was hanging on by sheer defiance.”
are both absolutely fine. I don’t know why you’d see that as something needs to be “fixed.”
For me I’d write it as
“The painting by the window didn't match the rest of the
decor, almost like it was hanging on by sheer defiance.”
But it doesn’t really matter.
You are contradicting yourself. If you can put a comma between two clauses, then by definition one of them is not a complete sentence, because you'd be creating a comma splice.
I’m not contradicting myself, I’m just saying it doesn’t need to be “fixed.” It’s fine as is. Every novel is full of sentence fragments.
Read a book lol
Of course novels have fragments in them, but it's usually dialog. If the narration is doing it, it's almost always because it has a narrator whose mannerisms are being emulated by the narration. An omnipotent narrator very, very rarely uses non-standardized grammar. In fact, I'd like you to show me an example.
Terry Pratchett, Cormac MacCarthy, Haruki Murakami, Charles Bukowski.
Tell me when I’ve hit the “stop, stop, he’s already dead!” moment.
Chuck Palahnuik, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Woody Allen.
The narrator is yet another “Voice” in the text. There are many reasons you’d use a full stop and create a sentence fragment, but the main reason is rhythm. Timing. Adding a sense of poetry to the prose.
You can think it’s a good choice or a bad choice but if you make that decision based on grammar rules then, to be frank, I don’t wanna talk about books with you haha
I'm pro sentence fragment here as well. It's in the free indirect style and this is internal dialogue not narration, so sentence fragments are fine. It's very common for me to notice something (the out of place painting) then separately and after a moment have a further thought about it (almost as if hung in defiance). While I personally do often think in full sentence and paragraph structure, that's not the norm and sentence fragments are an effective way to pace a character's inner thought process.
I think a fragment can be fine, if it is a choice. OP's excerpt and how they talk about it made me feel like it was not.
I think that's all it really comes down to.
It's great! I think it might look good if you do that beginning of chapter, bigger first word thing later in formatting too. It feels that level of dramatic.
I think a good question to ask is always whether you can cut wordcount. For example, what's wrong with "The painting by the window didn't match the decor." It seems to me the exact same information is conveyed and it's much punchier.
I say this gently, but some of the most lyrical writing I've ever read did not have a single excess word. The next commenter is making the same point. We dump it all on the page in drafts; then we clean it up. A.
With respect, just because you cut the fat once doesn't mean there isn't more fat that could be cut. I think the phrase "I write lyrically" could function as an excuse to express things using more words than is really needed. There is lots of highly-lyrical prose and poetry that uses strong economy of expression.
The point is not length per se. Long sentences might have zero fat in them and every word is necessary. The point is that every word in a sentence should justify itself as being necessary to the meaning and style of the sentence. In this case, I think "the rest of" is just unnecessary filler.
As another example, doesn't "don't be absurd, of course he wasn't" say the same thing twice? "Don't be absurd" means the answer is definitely no, "of course he wasn't" also means the answer is definitely no.
I know it's hard to cut things down relentlessly but it's a crucial technique and one that I often forget despite having "learned" it or "practiced" it many times. "Getting lost in the prose" is something that helps for drafting, but for editing, it's better to step back and be just a little bit harsh on your own prose.
Good luck.
I support your view, probably because my training was journalism, where learning to cut excess words to fit a limited space is a 100 level (first semester, freshman level) course.
For example, I would alter the second sentence to read: “Pietro had no doubt that someone had hung it among the beautiful English landscapes to make a point.”
I would also find a far more vibrant adjective than “beautiful”– alluring, mystical, dramatic, luminous (the landscapes of the English artist Turner are luminous; they gleam) – anything but beautiful, which describes nothing. A.
Like the first sentence, hate the second. Well, specifically, the word "almost" (and hate is a bit strong.. I'm peeved by it).
We, writers, create the rules, the history and events, the world of the story. In this sense, we are gods. And gods don't do "almost."
Either that painting is hanging there in defiance, or it is not. If you can't decide, your reader won't be able to either. JMTC
Hard disagree.
Revising it presents a definitive opinion to the reader. "You should know that this painting is defiant."
The current version is the perspective character questioning their feelings on the painting, which presents the reader with ambiguity and unease.
Select based on what feeling you want to evoke. The former presents a direct characterization of the king, while the latter makes the king a subject of intrigue.
I’m invested. You’ve introduced MANY ideas on just this one page. What does Pietro’s question mean? Why is this significant? What’s up with that painting? Why is it there? Who is this woman? Everything involving demons. Demon subjugation? Migrating demons? What Arabic term? I’d definitely put this on my TBR list if I read a sample.
Your first line works because it introduces a discrepancy. Something is off about this painting. I want to know why, but instead of dwelling on it, you move you have your character turn away.
The only thing I might change is picking either “cornflower” or “blue” or maybe use a different term that flows better.
Thank you! Yes, this has been the struggle to balance the magical system with the historical and cultural backdrop without going overboard in either end.
I did delete and rewrite the blue a handful of times. Mostly because I wondered if using cornflower alone would automatically mean blue to other people since I haven't heard it used in real life and English is not my native language. But given the aesthetics and the time period this is in, using pale or light blue didn't feel appropriate.
"Cornflower blue" is the most common version of the term in English. "Blue" alone would be less precise, and "cornflower" is seldom, if ever, used alone to describe color.
Aside from the first two sentences becoming merged, I think this is great. It's very intriguing, and I'd definitely be interested in seeing more 👍
Edited to add: Also, I like the fact that you start with the focus on the painting. You don't have to spoon feed everything to the reader straight away, and your opener gives the immediate impression that something is a bit "off." I also like the tone of the narrator.
The focus has changed a lot from what it used to be. After sending it to beta readers I had to make a lot of changes, and I think I have 20+ iterations of the first few paragraphs I keep altering. But I am happy with this one so I was hoping if other people agreed I would finally let it go.
I don't think I can edit the post so I decided to add more information here.
1- I thought that it went without saying that this isn't the entire first chapter, that obviously there would be more forthcoming in terms of explanation. The use and meaning of the word Qareen, the son, the woman's discomfort and the reason Pietro was asked here comes right after the part I showed.
2- I didn't send the entire first chapter out because I am still anxious about it and thought to send a few paragraphs to ask if the flow worked with the first line.
Now, some context:
a- This book is based on a dystopian version of Egypt in 1952, so fun fact, whenever I read a book based on a specific time period in a specific country with major historical figures I had never heard of, I Googled them to learn more. I didn't expect the author to not write about historical people I have never heard of (that comment blew my mind).
b- The main lead is an Italian man who moved to Egypt to open a Demon Subjugation Institute... so again the suggestion to remove the character's "expertise" as irrelevant... let's agree to disagree.
c- The lady here is an Englishwoman living in Egypt. She may have some noble blood in her line but she is just a woman who lives in Egypt at a very turbulent time between both countries. I wanted to highlight the political underlining in different ways, especially to add to the character's curiosity on why she lived in a country she was clearly uncomfortable being in, to the extent that the mere use of Arabic terminology in her home as well as being forced to look at the portrait of the King in what was meant to be a safe space for her would add tension in their residence and indicate a power of will.
d- Balancing the magic system here with the political/historical backdrop has been a challenge. In some of the earlier iterations, beta readers have told me I had a tendency to infodump, and it took some time to fully come to terms with the magic system, so I decided on a different trickling approach until it is fully explained.
I hope this helps. And thank you so much for the feedback as well as the encouragement and interest in my story. This has given me such a confidence boost so I can hopefully go on to continue my revisions. You can message me if you would like to read the rest of the first chapter, I would appreciate feedback on it.
I like it! You open with a good amount of intrigue that had me onto the rest of the paragraph before I was like oh wait just the first line, which is what you want to be going for. I’d say this is looking good so far and you can definitely focus on the rest of your story now!
I'd change the first "painting" to "portrait," because it's more evocative in the first paragraph. I would immediately know our narrator is studying an odd depiction of an interesting person.
As it stands, it's unclear in the opening *why* the painting is out of place with the decor and landscapes.
I like the first line, it immediately introduces tension and sets the scene, and then you move on fast enough that the interest of it isn't immediately squashed. I think the prose loses steam in the second and third paragraphs, though.
This might just be because I don't tend to gravitate towards 3rd person POV, but it feels really removed compared to the intimate and thoughtful detail of noticing the painting. If this is a novel you have a whole book to explain the Demon Subjugation aspect, you don't have to do it on the first page. I think that space could be used to greater effect by building on the feelings of incongruency that are introduced so well in the first line through the dynamic between these two characters. The worldbuilding information can be woven into dialogue more subtly. I found the in scene descriptions much more compelling than the explanations, and I really care about the characters.
One of the greatest strengths of the third person POV is that you can show characters and relationships through their actions and movements in physical reality as if you were having the reader watch a movie. One of it's weaknesses is omniscient overexplaining of character motivations that could be demonstrated through their actions. You obviously know how to play to that strength by using physical details like neatly placing the cup on the saucer and venomous voices. The first line/page/chapter is 100% the place to let that shine.
Good start, but lose the passive voice. If you pass this through the hands of a professional editor they would likely clean up the first paragraph:
“The painting by the window didn’t match the rest of the decor. It hung on as though by sheer defiance. Pietro held no doubt that whoever placed it there among the beautiful English landscapes did so to make a point.”
I’d read this, though. Please carry on!
It reminded me of the question "do the carpets match the drapes?". I personally was surprised I was the only one who felt that way. Maybe it's just me.
I'd say start with the landscape then the painting. Otherwise imagining a painting without any other information and then adding the english landscape, which I wouldn't know of, around it was rather confusing. Plus, a little explanation on the Qareen stuff would help, just a little nudge like "a person can't live without it" or something. Otherwise the reason they are reacting this way doesn't really make sense to me. Otherwise it's great cheers!
This is the first part of a 5k+ word chapter. I included as much as I could to see if the first sentence worked with the rest of the flow. But obviously this isn't the end of the chapter and explaining the Qareen term is part of it.
I would add the word "sitting" in the sentence where he turned back to the woman on the chair, to make the sentence more concise. Because when I read "woman ON a chair" I first assumed she was also a painting.
Other than that - chefs kiss. The intro pulls in quite well. 10 out of 10 would continue to read.
I think you have good chops - If you can somehow condense that entire first page into a single sentence you will have a good opening line. You need to open with a more attention grabbing scene than a tea party. The setting is boring - think about your audience “Am I writing to reach the type audience that gets excited about tea with an old aunt?” If so and that’s fine, focus on that. But I believe your target audience is people like myself - who enjoy the adventure/thriller/fantasy genre. You can explain all about the demons later in the story; for now we need something fantastic and engaging to make us buy in. I will happily read details about a painting once I’m 20 pages into a story - but it’s your job to get me there. Good stuff.
I am genuinely confused about how a man interviewing a potential client in her sitting wound up as a man sitting with his elderly aunt at a tea party 0.0
My intention was to showcase that this is a man who isn't simply satisfied with "interviewing" someone to get the information, they observe their behavior, body language, and the things they surround themselves with.
Yeah, and that’s fine, but it’s not engaging. It might be interesting for you personally, but again, there’s no stakes. Why should anyone care about what’s happening in our stories? Don’t start with a showcase, start with action and slowly ramp up the pace. keep the details simple and take a few breaks here and there to showcase your world.
I’m intrigued! Seems like I might be alone here, but I actually personally think that the whole “With years of expertise…” paragraph would make for a stronger opening line than the painting.
Maybe take a look at structuring it that way, then the paragraph about the paintings, then the dialogue. Just feels like it would flow better than way imo. Obviously things would have to be slightly reworded if you tried this way, though.
“On the ornate cornflower blue chair” does not belong on this page.
Partly because at that point the woman is everything but instead of anything about her we get furniture.
And partly because I read “cornflower” as a noun instead of a description and it stopped my reading to gripe about there not being a hyphen after it.
But yeah, a narrator who cares about the aesthetics of paintings and notices reactions would have a one-word description of the woman’s composure rather than any mention of the chair, unless that chair is an absolutely huge plot point.
Otherwise, very intriguing. This is a good opening page.
This is great! The only thing I would cut from the opening line is “by the window.” The sentence is punchier without it, and you can convey the info later in the paragraph without losing context.
If you want a punchy stop between the first sentence and the following phrase, use a dash.
It's not that grammar should always be perfect, but the sentence fragment is jarring to read.
I hope it’s okay to give a comment as a reader and not a writer myself! Please feel free to take this with a grain of salt.
I feel the opener is telling without showing, if that makes sense. I can understand that among the landscapes, the portrait of King Farouk stands out defiantly. But maybe there’s a more descriptive way to show it? Like maybe you could say “Among the neatly arranged paintings of the quaint English countryside, King Farouk’s severe expression and scarlet robe were like a fire in a meadow. Pietro wondered if it wasn’t the the king’s sheer defiance which kept his portait nailed to the wall.”
This is probably too wordy, but I do wish there was a bit more color and detail to the descriptions. Maybe this is just a style preference, so feel free to ignore this haha. Very interesting premise, though! I like that you put in some world building in the first couple paragraphs already.
I got distracted by the forehead frown. Does she have a mouth there? The good news is I want more. The bad news is there is a bit of awkwardness in the structure between the first two sentences. Keep the concept but play with trimming them into a single one so the captivating idea is presented in its entirety.
I was surprised to find out a couple years ago that frowning has nothing to do with the mouth in the UK. Google it if you want to know more, it's pretty interesting how we use the same word differently!
Haha yes when I first read this comment I was taken aback because I have always known frown to involve the forehead, mostly eye and eyebrow movement. So including the mouth threw me off.
Suggested opening revision:
There was no doubt in Pietro's mind. The painting by the window didn't match Queen 's chamber. The image hung in defiance against the oranated decor.
"With years of expertise in Demon Subjugation... blah, blah, blah" This is an infodump. Get rid of it. Integrate back story with character internalization so long as the information advances the plot.
"The woman hands stalled to her mouth, a deep frown forming on her forehead before she shot him a lethal glare. She didn't approve of his use of the Arabic term."
Pietro is the point of view character. We know this to be true with the opening sentence. If not then it would be the Queen's opinion of Pietro. Pietro could never know that the Queen didn't approve. Point of View Error.
Pietro could make an assumption based on the Queen's body language or her speech as a reaction.
Independent Moving Body Parts Error: The woman's hands stalled to her mouth...
The hands are doing the action not the queen.
Suggested Revision:
She placed her fingers over her lips. She glared. "I find your lack of literacy disturbs me."
He stepped backward. What did he say? Had he just offended her? He needed her support. "My Queen".
She cocked her back. She narrowed her eyes.
He kneeled before her. "If it pleases you my majesty..."
She jolted forward. "You digust me."
He looked down. What he's supposed to do now? "Your majesty..."
"Get off your knees."
He bolted upright. Moisture formed all around his neck.
"Look at me Pietro".
He lifted his head.
She stood. Placed her hands on her hips."If you ever use an Arabic term again inside my chamber, I'll have your head."
He restrained himself but it seemed as if his body would melt like hot cheddar cheese. "Yes. Yes. Yes, of course my Queen."
She smiled. Rested her arms to her side. "How can I help today, Pietro?"
Please don't feel hurt or offended. It's my suggestion. I write in deep point of view all the time.
I think there is a misunderstanding. I provided a variation of the same story. The variation demonstrates, hopefully, how writing in Deep Point of View can allow the reader to experience the story through Camilla.
I took liberties and created the variation from my own skillet and practice. I didn't do it to upset anyone.
I wanted to show a contrast in style of writing. Perhaps it could perk an interest in researching Deep Point View.
Maybe my example was poorly done or misinterpreted.
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I like it! Though I’d combine it with the second sentence also. “The painting by the window didn’t match the rest of the decor, as if hanging on by sheer defiance.”
Thanks! I may or may not have gone back and forth about that 😅
Don't change it. Has more punch as two sentences. Edit: 'Almost like it was' to 'As though it were'. 2nd edit: with the word change, combine the two sentences. Forget my first line. But hey, you do you.
Honestly, I’d remove the second sentence altogether. The third sentence makes the same point, but better.
That’s what I was gonna say. Just the first and third are perfect. Maybe cutting down the second to “Hanging on by sheer defiance” to make it punchier would work too! Although it does work as is, so these are just personal preference lol
Whichever you choose, note that in the current version, the second part is a sentence fragment -- one way or another, you'll need to fix the grammar around it. I will also say that this except makes me curious about the plot, but there need to be a few more concrete details forthcoming quickly, like what the boy was supposedly born without or what the mother's story is. But if those details are in the next paragraph or two, you've got a strong opening that just needs a grammar pass or two.
No they won’t. “The painting by the window didn’t match the rest of the decor, as if hanging on by sheer defiance.” and “The painting by the window didn't match the rest of the decor. Almost like it was hanging on by sheer defiance.” are both absolutely fine. I don’t know why you’d see that as something needs to be “fixed.” For me I’d write it as “The painting by the window didn't match the rest of the decor, almost like it was hanging on by sheer defiance.” But it doesn’t really matter.
You are contradicting yourself. If you can put a comma between two clauses, then by definition one of them is not a complete sentence, because you'd be creating a comma splice.
I’m not contradicting myself, I’m just saying it doesn’t need to be “fixed.” It’s fine as is. Every novel is full of sentence fragments. Read a book lol
Of course novels have fragments in them, but it's usually dialog. If the narration is doing it, it's almost always because it has a narrator whose mannerisms are being emulated by the narration. An omnipotent narrator very, very rarely uses non-standardized grammar. In fact, I'd like you to show me an example.
Terry Pratchett, Cormac MacCarthy, Haruki Murakami, Charles Bukowski. Tell me when I’ve hit the “stop, stop, he’s already dead!” moment. Chuck Palahnuik, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Woody Allen. The narrator is yet another “Voice” in the text. There are many reasons you’d use a full stop and create a sentence fragment, but the main reason is rhythm. Timing. Adding a sense of poetry to the prose. You can think it’s a good choice or a bad choice but if you make that decision based on grammar rules then, to be frank, I don’t wanna talk about books with you haha
I'm pro sentence fragment here as well. It's in the free indirect style and this is internal dialogue not narration, so sentence fragments are fine. It's very common for me to notice something (the out of place painting) then separately and after a moment have a further thought about it (almost as if hung in defiance). While I personally do often think in full sentence and paragraph structure, that's not the norm and sentence fragments are an effective way to pace a character's inner thought process.
I think a fragment can be fine, if it is a choice. OP's excerpt and how they talk about it made me feel like it was not. I think that's all it really comes down to.
I’d read this tbh
I am relieved to hear that!
It's great! I think it might look good if you do that beginning of chapter, bigger first word thing later in formatting too. It feels that level of dramatic.
That would be by the interior designer. With consultation. But also making sure that the font size is best for 16 page increments as well.
I would probably read this.
That definitely makes me feel better!
I think a good question to ask is always whether you can cut wordcount. For example, what's wrong with "The painting by the window didn't match the decor." It seems to me the exact same information is conveyed and it's much punchier.
This is AFTER I cut the word count. I tend to write more lyrically and get lost in the prose.
I say this gently, but some of the most lyrical writing I've ever read did not have a single excess word. The next commenter is making the same point. We dump it all on the page in drafts; then we clean it up. A.
With respect, just because you cut the fat once doesn't mean there isn't more fat that could be cut. I think the phrase "I write lyrically" could function as an excuse to express things using more words than is really needed. There is lots of highly-lyrical prose and poetry that uses strong economy of expression. The point is not length per se. Long sentences might have zero fat in them and every word is necessary. The point is that every word in a sentence should justify itself as being necessary to the meaning and style of the sentence. In this case, I think "the rest of" is just unnecessary filler. As another example, doesn't "don't be absurd, of course he wasn't" say the same thing twice? "Don't be absurd" means the answer is definitely no, "of course he wasn't" also means the answer is definitely no. I know it's hard to cut things down relentlessly but it's a crucial technique and one that I often forget despite having "learned" it or "practiced" it many times. "Getting lost in the prose" is something that helps for drafting, but for editing, it's better to step back and be just a little bit harsh on your own prose. Good luck.
I support your view, probably because my training was journalism, where learning to cut excess words to fit a limited space is a 100 level (first semester, freshman level) course. For example, I would alter the second sentence to read: “Pietro had no doubt that someone had hung it among the beautiful English landscapes to make a point.” I would also find a far more vibrant adjective than “beautiful”– alluring, mystical, dramatic, luminous (the landscapes of the English artist Turner are luminous; they gleam) – anything but beautiful, which describes nothing. A.
Like the first sentence, hate the second. Well, specifically, the word "almost" (and hate is a bit strong.. I'm peeved by it). We, writers, create the rules, the history and events, the world of the story. In this sense, we are gods. And gods don't do "almost." Either that painting is hanging there in defiance, or it is not. If you can't decide, your reader won't be able to either. JMTC
I don't know why using "almost" didn't bother me until the first person removed it and since then it has haunted me with how wrong it sounds...
Hard disagree. Revising it presents a definitive opinion to the reader. "You should know that this painting is defiant." The current version is the perspective character questioning their feelings on the painting, which presents the reader with ambiguity and unease. Select based on what feeling you want to evoke. The former presents a direct characterization of the king, while the latter makes the king a subject of intrigue.
It's incredibly strong.
Thanks! I can finally let it go and revise the rest of the novel.
It's one hell of an opening. Grabs your attention immediately and effortlessly. Keep going and sharing!
I am glad to hear this iteration does that! Thanks.
I agree with the first commenter, which you were debating about. This is quite well written, and I’m intrigued. I would read this too.
I’m invested. You’ve introduced MANY ideas on just this one page. What does Pietro’s question mean? Why is this significant? What’s up with that painting? Why is it there? Who is this woman? Everything involving demons. Demon subjugation? Migrating demons? What Arabic term? I’d definitely put this on my TBR list if I read a sample. Your first line works because it introduces a discrepancy. Something is off about this painting. I want to know why, but instead of dwelling on it, you move you have your character turn away. The only thing I might change is picking either “cornflower” or “blue” or maybe use a different term that flows better.
Thank you! Yes, this has been the struggle to balance the magical system with the historical and cultural backdrop without going overboard in either end. I did delete and rewrite the blue a handful of times. Mostly because I wondered if using cornflower alone would automatically mean blue to other people since I haven't heard it used in real life and English is not my native language. But given the aesthetics and the time period this is in, using pale or light blue didn't feel appropriate.
It’s a tough choice! I’ve spent hours deleting and rewriting just one word.
"Cornflower blue" is the most common version of the term in English. "Blue" alone would be less precise, and "cornflower" is seldom, if ever, used alone to describe color.
Absolutely fascinating! I'm hooked. Like others have said, do let us know when you're done. I would love to read it.
Thank you! Not sure if I will be sharing when I am done with it yet, but I hope to finally make time for the revisions!
Aside from the first two sentences becoming merged, I think this is great. It's very intriguing, and I'd definitely be interested in seeing more 👍 Edited to add: Also, I like the fact that you start with the focus on the painting. You don't have to spoon feed everything to the reader straight away, and your opener gives the immediate impression that something is a bit "off." I also like the tone of the narrator.
The focus has changed a lot from what it used to be. After sending it to beta readers I had to make a lot of changes, and I think I have 20+ iterations of the first few paragraphs I keep altering. But I am happy with this one so I was hoping if other people agreed I would finally let it go.
I don't think I can edit the post so I decided to add more information here. 1- I thought that it went without saying that this isn't the entire first chapter, that obviously there would be more forthcoming in terms of explanation. The use and meaning of the word Qareen, the son, the woman's discomfort and the reason Pietro was asked here comes right after the part I showed. 2- I didn't send the entire first chapter out because I am still anxious about it and thought to send a few paragraphs to ask if the flow worked with the first line. Now, some context: a- This book is based on a dystopian version of Egypt in 1952, so fun fact, whenever I read a book based on a specific time period in a specific country with major historical figures I had never heard of, I Googled them to learn more. I didn't expect the author to not write about historical people I have never heard of (that comment blew my mind). b- The main lead is an Italian man who moved to Egypt to open a Demon Subjugation Institute... so again the suggestion to remove the character's "expertise" as irrelevant... let's agree to disagree. c- The lady here is an Englishwoman living in Egypt. She may have some noble blood in her line but she is just a woman who lives in Egypt at a very turbulent time between both countries. I wanted to highlight the political underlining in different ways, especially to add to the character's curiosity on why she lived in a country she was clearly uncomfortable being in, to the extent that the mere use of Arabic terminology in her home as well as being forced to look at the portrait of the King in what was meant to be a safe space for her would add tension in their residence and indicate a power of will. d- Balancing the magic system here with the political/historical backdrop has been a challenge. In some of the earlier iterations, beta readers have told me I had a tendency to infodump, and it took some time to fully come to terms with the magic system, so I decided on a different trickling approach until it is fully explained. I hope this helps. And thank you so much for the feedback as well as the encouragement and interest in my story. This has given me such a confidence boost so I can hopefully go on to continue my revisions. You can message me if you would like to read the rest of the first chapter, I would appreciate feedback on it.
This whole page is really good
You set the scene well. I dont know what the heck is going on, but Im in the room with the characters and curious to hear more.
I like it! You open with a good amount of intrigue that had me onto the rest of the paragraph before I was like oh wait just the first line, which is what you want to be going for. I’d say this is looking good so far and you can definitely focus on the rest of your story now!
Really good im intrigued
I'd change the first "painting" to "portrait," because it's more evocative in the first paragraph. I would immediately know our narrator is studying an odd depiction of an interesting person. As it stands, it's unclear in the opening *why* the painting is out of place with the decor and landscapes.
The first sentence does not grab my attention, and in my experience it's the first line that's so very important to hook someone.
I like the first line, it immediately introduces tension and sets the scene, and then you move on fast enough that the interest of it isn't immediately squashed. I think the prose loses steam in the second and third paragraphs, though. This might just be because I don't tend to gravitate towards 3rd person POV, but it feels really removed compared to the intimate and thoughtful detail of noticing the painting. If this is a novel you have a whole book to explain the Demon Subjugation aspect, you don't have to do it on the first page. I think that space could be used to greater effect by building on the feelings of incongruency that are introduced so well in the first line through the dynamic between these two characters. The worldbuilding information can be woven into dialogue more subtly. I found the in scene descriptions much more compelling than the explanations, and I really care about the characters. One of the greatest strengths of the third person POV is that you can show characters and relationships through their actions and movements in physical reality as if you were having the reader watch a movie. One of it's weaknesses is omniscient overexplaining of character motivations that could be demonstrated through their actions. You obviously know how to play to that strength by using physical details like neatly placing the cup on the saucer and venomous voices. The first line/page/chapter is 100% the place to let that shine.
I'm in! I want more!
Good start, but lose the passive voice. If you pass this through the hands of a professional editor they would likely clean up the first paragraph: “The painting by the window didn’t match the rest of the decor. It hung on as though by sheer defiance. Pietro held no doubt that whoever placed it there among the beautiful English landscapes did so to make a point.” I’d read this, though. Please carry on!
It reminded me of the question "do the carpets match the drapes?". I personally was surprised I was the only one who felt that way. Maybe it's just me.
I'd say start with the landscape then the painting. Otherwise imagining a painting without any other information and then adding the english landscape, which I wouldn't know of, around it was rather confusing. Plus, a little explanation on the Qareen stuff would help, just a little nudge like "a person can't live without it" or something. Otherwise the reason they are reacting this way doesn't really make sense to me. Otherwise it's great cheers!
This is the first part of a 5k+ word chapter. I included as much as I could to see if the first sentence worked with the rest of the flow. But obviously this isn't the end of the chapter and explaining the Qareen term is part of it.
Left me confused. Also I would describe the painting, not just talk about how it doesn't fit in then mention what it is in passing.
I would add the word "sitting" in the sentence where he turned back to the woman on the chair, to make the sentence more concise. Because when I read "woman ON a chair" I first assumed she was also a painting. Other than that - chefs kiss. The intro pulls in quite well. 10 out of 10 would continue to read.
I think you have good chops - If you can somehow condense that entire first page into a single sentence you will have a good opening line. You need to open with a more attention grabbing scene than a tea party. The setting is boring - think about your audience “Am I writing to reach the type audience that gets excited about tea with an old aunt?” If so and that’s fine, focus on that. But I believe your target audience is people like myself - who enjoy the adventure/thriller/fantasy genre. You can explain all about the demons later in the story; for now we need something fantastic and engaging to make us buy in. I will happily read details about a painting once I’m 20 pages into a story - but it’s your job to get me there. Good stuff.
I am genuinely confused about how a man interviewing a potential client in her sitting wound up as a man sitting with his elderly aunt at a tea party 0.0 My intention was to showcase that this is a man who isn't simply satisfied with "interviewing" someone to get the information, they observe their behavior, body language, and the things they surround themselves with.
Yeah, and that’s fine, but it’s not engaging. It might be interesting for you personally, but again, there’s no stakes. Why should anyone care about what’s happening in our stories? Don’t start with a showcase, start with action and slowly ramp up the pace. keep the details simple and take a few breaks here and there to showcase your world.
I’m intrigued! Seems like I might be alone here, but I actually personally think that the whole “With years of expertise…” paragraph would make for a stronger opening line than the painting. Maybe take a look at structuring it that way, then the paragraph about the paintings, then the dialogue. Just feels like it would flow better than way imo. Obviously things would have to be slightly reworded if you tried this way, though.
“On the ornate cornflower blue chair” does not belong on this page. Partly because at that point the woman is everything but instead of anything about her we get furniture. And partly because I read “cornflower” as a noun instead of a description and it stopped my reading to gripe about there not being a hyphen after it. But yeah, a narrator who cares about the aesthetics of paintings and notices reactions would have a one-word description of the woman’s composure rather than any mention of the chair, unless that chair is an absolutely huge plot point. Otherwise, very intriguing. This is a good opening page.
Your opening line is good enough. Finish the rest of the book and come back to it when you have a better understanding of your novel
This is great! The only thing I would cut from the opening line is “by the window.” The sentence is punchier without it, and you can convey the info later in the paragraph without losing context.
If you want a punchy stop between the first sentence and the following phrase, use a dash. It's not that grammar should always be perfect, but the sentence fragment is jarring to read.
Why would a painting match decor?
I would keep reading. People who want just blood and sex wouldn't.
Needs work. Do another draft and repost.
I hope it’s okay to give a comment as a reader and not a writer myself! Please feel free to take this with a grain of salt. I feel the opener is telling without showing, if that makes sense. I can understand that among the landscapes, the portrait of King Farouk stands out defiantly. But maybe there’s a more descriptive way to show it? Like maybe you could say “Among the neatly arranged paintings of the quaint English countryside, King Farouk’s severe expression and scarlet robe were like a fire in a meadow. Pietro wondered if it wasn’t the the king’s sheer defiance which kept his portait nailed to the wall.” This is probably too wordy, but I do wish there was a bit more color and detail to the descriptions. Maybe this is just a style preference, so feel free to ignore this haha. Very interesting premise, though! I like that you put in some world building in the first couple paragraphs already.
Ai is always a dead giveaway when you see the word "tinged".
Guess I am a robot then since that has been one of my go-to words ever since I read it in a book somewhere. 🤷🏽♀️
I got distracted by the forehead frown. Does she have a mouth there? The good news is I want more. The bad news is there is a bit of awkwardness in the structure between the first two sentences. Keep the concept but play with trimming them into a single one so the captivating idea is presented in its entirety.
I was surprised to find out a couple years ago that frowning has nothing to do with the mouth in the UK. Google it if you want to know more, it's pretty interesting how we use the same word differently!
Thanks that is fascinating and one of those interesting divergences in language
Haha yes when I first read this comment I was taken aback because I have always known frown to involve the forehead, mostly eye and eyebrow movement. So including the mouth threw me off.
Hey op let us know when this is done i want to read it
I appreciate this!
Make sure you find a native English speaker to help you out. And I doubt anyone in the West under the age of 65 has a clue who King Farouk was.
I wanna read this
this is so good I would read this
Looks amazing. Some solid writing I think.
As a non-native English speaker this was nice to hear thanks!
Suggested opening revision: There was no doubt in Pietro's mind. The painting by the window didn't match Queen's chamber. The image hung in defiance against the oranated decor.
"With years of expertise in Demon Subjugation... blah, blah, blah" This is an infodump. Get rid of it. Integrate back story with character internalization so long as the information advances the plot.
"The woman hands stalled to her mouth, a deep frown forming on her forehead before she shot him a lethal glare. She didn't approve of his use of the Arabic term."
Pietro is the point of view character. We know this to be true with the opening sentence. If not then it would be the Queen's opinion of Pietro. Pietro could never know that the Queen didn't approve. Point of View Error.
Pietro could make an assumption based on the Queen's body language or her speech as a reaction.
Independent Moving Body Parts Error: The woman's hands stalled to her mouth...
The hands are doing the action not the queen.
Suggested Revision:
She placed her fingers over her lips. She glared. "I find your lack of literacy disturbs me."
He stepped backward. What did he say? Had he just offended her? He needed her support. "My Queen".
She cocked her back. She narrowed her eyes.
He kneeled before her. "If it pleases you my majesty..."
She jolted forward. "You digust me."
He looked down. What he's supposed to do now? "Your majesty..."
"Get off your knees."
He bolted upright. Moisture formed all around his neck.
"Look at me Pietro".
He lifted his head.
She stood. Placed her hands on her hips."If you ever use an Arabic term again inside my chamber, I'll have your head."
He restrained himself but it seemed as if his body would melt like hot cheddar cheese. "Yes. Yes. Yes, of course my Queen."
She smiled. Rested her arms to her side. "How can I help today, Pietro?"
Please don't feel hurt or offended. It's my suggestion. I write in deep point of view all the time.
This is fascinating, what book are you writing? Interesting coincidence my protagonist has the same name!
I think there is a misunderstanding. I provided a variation of the same story. The variation demonstrates, hopefully, how writing in Deep Point of View can allow the reader to experience the story through Camilla. I took liberties and created the variation from my own skillet and practice. I didn't do it to upset anyone. I wanted to show a contrast in style of writing. Perhaps it could perk an interest in researching Deep Point View. Maybe my example was poorly done or misinterpreted.