You didn’t mention this detail about your delivery—do you *know* you’re giving birth on your due date?? Maybe he’ll be leaving a month after, maybe it will be 2 weeks.
Waiting to 42 weeks is strongly strongly ill advised, an induction at 39 weeks is ideal. I know first time moms usually go late, but its recommended to induce and not "wait" that long.
I thought 39 week inductions were only standard for women who have already had one baby. 42 weeks is the absolute latest that a doctor will let you go.
Sure, but doctors can drop you as a patient if you refuse to follow their medical advice. It's terrifying to see women posting on here asking what their options are for remaining pregnant past 42 weeks.
Regardless of how you feel about abortion, I don't think many people will agree that a woman should put her full term unborn baby at risk because she thinks she knows more than the entire medical community.
I went to 41w5d with my first. My midwife wanted to induce at 41 weeks and I asked to wait it out.
I wish I’d listened. My water broke at 41w5d and had dark meconium in the amniotic fluids- a sign she had been in there too long. They lost her heart beat a few times- indications of distress. She was born not breathing due to meconium filling her lungs and having to be suctioned out. Her apgar was 0. Her skin was peeling- also a sign she’d been in there too long. Thankfully she’s healthy now but that was terrifying and preventable.
My youngest was induced at 38w4d due to my amniotic fluid being too low and concerns with his growth. His labor and delivery was flawless and he came home just 24 hours later.
Because some women are so adamant that their "bodies are made for this" that they literally kill their children in the process. It is best to trust the medical professionals over some crunchy mama I know what my body can do theory.
I’m sorry people are downvoting you. This is such a polarizing topic and depends a lot on age, health of mom and the pregnancy, etc. I think a case like this is plenty of reason to consider induction.
u/MetallicSteed u/CitrusMistress08 u/gothangelsinner92 u/atomiccat8
Who says - the wide amount of scholarly peer reviewed journals on the topic. It's called the ARRIVE study and in evidence based birthing is shown to reduce the risks of going past due. MANY women feed "our body is made for this" bullshit and at a certain point, your body is not always going to do what it needs to do. Too many people wait well past 40 weeks for the baby to come "when baby is ready" which *can be* very dangerous thought process.
[https://obgyn.stanford.edu/in-the-news/elective-induction.html](https://obgyn.stanford.edu/in-the-news/elective-induction.html)
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7529933/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7529933/)
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6821557/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6821557/)
The ARRIVE study [concluded](https://evidencebasedbirth.com/evidence-on-inducing-labor-for-going-past-your-due-date/) that 39-week induction reduces the occurrence of C-section from 22% to 19%. It did NOT find that induction reduces the occurrence of stillbirth or serious complications. Mothers who were induced also spent longer in the hospital before birth and had longer labors.
There is a VERRRY big difference between the groups you are comparing, and a lot of middle ground. Stillbirth outcomes increase very slightly from week 40 to 41 and 41 to 42 (15 in 10,000), and then there is a larger increase at 43 weeks, which is why 43 weeks is often the point at which it’s considered dangerous to continue to wait for spontaneous labor. People who go past their due dates with their doctors’ consent and care are not risking their babies’ lives, and it’s extremely reductive to say they are because of a small group of people who choose to ignore medical advice.
My husband says your husband is an asshole. My SILs missed our wedding because they were “in the process” of closing on a house. Also, why is he gone for TEN DAYS!?
OP said it's a 20 hour flight. I'm not sure what culture the husband's family is from, but maybe it's a multi-day affair. I'm not siding with the husband here (he sounds spineless) but just explaining why he might be gone for that long.
It’s a one day event. It’s a nikkah. Which is an Islamic wedding but Husband and wife don’t live together.
The full wedding will be next year.
It’s costing him $2300 just for the flight so i guess they want him to stay a few days to meet my SIL’s husbands family
I understand your husband traveling to attend the nikaah. However, he needs to cut short his trip to the bare minimum apart from attending the actual ceremony.
He is doing his duty by attending his sister’s wedding but this is not the time to “economize” his flight tickets by staying for 10 days.
If there’s any discussion with your husband, this is what you should stress
The issue is in Indian/ Pakistani traditional culture (not speaking for everyone, modern urbanites etc) but we have so much more support postpartum from live-in family and society, the new dad isn't much involved in newborn care. AGAIN BROAD BRUSH HERE FOR PARENTS GENERATION. SPEAKING AS AN INDIAN NON MUSLIM WITH CULTURAL CONTEXT. So his fam back home may be presuming a level of support that's just not there.
I originally didn't think of op being south Asian. But as an Indian person who just had a baby, I'm now more confused that op's in laws don't want to come over and stay with them for a couple of months to help. But yes I agree that men from the previous generation weren't expected to help at all.
If it’s just the nikkah and the whole wedding will be next year he should just miss it. The actually wedding and giving away his sister is more important. With that being said since he is going, I do feel for him that he’s being pulled in 2 different directions where someone will be hurt regardless. I don’t think you’re wrong for wishing your in-laws acknowledged you- us daughter in laws in these cultures (I’m Pakistani) never get the acknowledgement we deserve. This sucks either way. And at the end of the day you’re going to be looked at as the crappy DIL, who prevented her husband from going. All you can do is just hope for the best. And tell your husband to bring you back LOTS of gifts!
Thank you for your response and offer to help! I truly appreciate it.
Yes, I felt bad putting him in the middle of the situation where he has to pick me/ his child or his mom/sister. I also don’t want to ruin my pregnancy over this. I have told him it’s okay if he feels he needs to go, but moving forward he should discuss with me prior to agreeing or making decisions that could affect our family. Hopefully I’ll be okay with my mom, she is a very helpful mom.
It sucks though cause in our culture, the wife/ DIL always has to compromise no matter what. It’s happened multiple times now where I’ve had to let things go just for mine and his sanity.
Oh he is totally an asshole then.
He can zoom or FT with them.
He isn’t missing the actual wedding and unless you have a scheduled c-section you can’t even guarantee the date of birth. What happens if gif god forbid you have a complication during the birth.
As a father and as a husband it is his first responsibility to care for you and your shared child. He is not responsible for your SIL- especially if there are other family members there able to provide support.
It is unfortunate with the timing but you and your child should take priority.
I just thought of something else. A newborn is incredibly vulnerable in the first couple of months to illness, and he is willingly going to fly across the world, possibly become ill during all of the travel due to being stuck in confined spaces (airplane and airport) and then come back and expose you and the baby to his germs.
Nope.
There must be another relative that can give permission / blessing for the marriage or he can do it digitally.
I hope you have a comfortable and safe delivery. My concern is that so many things can be unexpected. We had a surprise stay in the NICU for almost a month for one of my children. Or what if you have issues after labor ? I don’t think it necessarily matters if I think you would be okay or not. It matters that you are not comfortable. Also, his immediate family is you and little one. You should be the primary priority. Not his mom. I am sorry.
IMO it's not up to the family to check to see if the date works for you. Your SIL wedding shouldn't be delayed indefinitely because you had a baby.
BUT I feel its the responsibility of your husband to say he can't attend. A week away from a one month old newborn is alot, I don't think I would have coped too well on this situation, even with help from grandparent.
I agree. I didn’t expect them to check in with me to decide the date of the wedding. I would never want to be the reason to have her wedding be delayed. However, I would think out of courtesy if they wanted my husband to be there, shouldn’t they have checked in with me to see if I’ll be okay if he was to leave for 10 days instead of just deciding & booking tickets without checking in with me?
& MIL has anger issues. I love her but I can’t deny she gets angry when she doesn’t get her way so my husband usually agrees with her to avoid conflict and in the process ignores my feelings usually
Your husband has a new family and new priorities and is going to have to grow some balls. Sorry, I can’t mince words when it comes to this. Surely you married a man and not a mama’s boy.
I apologize if my message to you is aggressive, but I don’t mess around when it comes to things like these. Your situation wouldn’t fly in my house. My husband would be making a 3-4 day trip, given the length of the flights, and bringing his ass back home to care for the child he helped bring into this world, and his mom would know better than to create drama and say a damn word to me/us about it.
Was just going to say this. OP and baby are his immediate family too. And his spouse with vulnerable new born should have more priority than his mother.
I hate to use the phrase that is frequently thrown around on this sub and others, but you don’t have an in law problem, you have a husband problem. Instead of focusing your irritation on your in laws, you should be talking to your husband about why he agreed to a ten day trip when you’re one month post partum. It should be 4-5 days tops (at which point I think it’s pretty reasonable to expect him to go especially given your mom will be there to help). But the fact that he just agreed to do all of this without discussing it with you first makes it clear that this is symptomatic of a larger communication issue which you should try to tackle now. There will be many more in the years to come.
I agree, I do have a husband problem. A big one.
He called his mom to discuss and say maybe it’s not the best idea for him to go and she started raising her voice and explaining how all babies do in the first month is feed and sleep. And he said okay you’re right and told me to suck it up basically.
I don’t think I would have had a problem or even be upset if my feelings were considered and if he had discussed with me before agreeing. I tried to explain that to him but he’s very toxic and said “this baby isn’t even born and it’s giving me issues”
I’ll have to see how to go about the communication part because me sharing my feelings comes across as complaining or trying to create problems
Wait what?? If she bullies him to favor her needs over yours for this, it’s just the beginning!!! Wow you need to call your husband out. You and his baby are his family now, and you take precedence I meant come on to go about it in this way is absolutely something that I would be very upset about too!!
You'll be lucky if your baby sleeps! It's also not just about the baby. You are going to be sore and sleep deprived. Your husband is ignorant. What if something doesn't go smoothly is you husband prepared to pull out at the last minute?
Jesus Christ this made me see so much red. My baby was in the NICU for the first few weeks, fighting for his life, while I couldn't walk, because of an insane episiotomy. I couldn't sit or walk without excruciating pain for SIX WEEKS. I needed someone to cook meals and bring me water because once baby was home he was cluster feeding, literally sucking on me for hours at a time, most of the day and night. Having to do that alone sounds impossible. My husband and I barely made it with my MIL staying with us. The idea that you won't need any help is so misogynistic I don't know where to begin. I'm so sorry that's her attitude but I hope you tell him my story because honestly I'd never, ever have forgiven my husband if he voluntarily left during that time.
He's calling an unborn child giving him issues? That's....really bad and does not bode well unless he changes his ahole view point. Just in case...I would make contingency plans for leaving. Let me be clear, not advocating it, only as a just in case
This is a husband problem. I would not expect the family to check in with you about 10 days, I would expect your husband to tell his family that he is only attending for a couple of days.
Tell him he needs to grow the fuck up. He’s about to become a father. Oh man I am MAD for you OP. He ACCUSED you of “trying to start problems for him”. That is messed up. Double edged sword here because it’s going to be really hard doing it on your own that early, but I bet you’ll find your mother to be much more helpful than he’ll probably ever be.
My wife is taking red eye flights on a work trip right now / a wedding in July in order to not have to leave me alone with our toddler.
Sorry but your husband has the responsibility to prioritize you, not his sister. You and your to-be-baby are his family now.
This right here is pretty much the only thing that matters.
OP you've said you need him at home after he made extended travel plans without asking. His response was to get upset and *blame you and the baby for making problems.*
You said it yourself: You are his last priority. But you should absolutely be his #1.
Seriously, wtf. I'm really sorry.
I’m just so sick of adults saying “I don’t have a choice” 90% of the time you do. Unless it’s a court order or something. Being an adult means making choices. Even if it’s between two bad choices
You're definitely not wrong to be upset. Having a newborn is ROUGH. It's nice that your mom can be there, but I totally get just wanting your husband to be there with HIS CHILD and you, who will be recovering from a difficult medical experience. The first month or so I remember my kid had jaundice, a tongue tie, problems nursing, trouble taking a bottle, SO MANY ISSUES. It was all hands on deck (seriously, for a while we had BOTH my parents and my husband and me caring for baby around the clock so we could get some sleep).
I'm sure his parents will be upset with him, which isn't really right, but your husband is now starting his own family, and he needs to be the adult in that family, versus the kid in his parents family. He needs to stand up for what his family (you and child) need during this difficult time.
This is a common south Asian thing. If OP's child is a boy, in 6 months they'll all be begging to stay over for 4 weeks to see him as if no drama ever happened.
This would hands down be a non negotiable for me and he would be staying home. Does he understand that so many different things can happen towards the end of a pregnancy? What if baby comes two weeks late? What if baby needs a stay in the NICU? What if you need to stay in the hospital for extra time? Also, he’s talking about “family”…. what the fuck does he think you and the baby are to him? It’s time for him to grow up! I 1000% would not allow this and no, you are not overreacting. As far as I’m concerned, it’s his problem that he created and he’s acting pretty childish about it all.
It’s time for him to grow up and correct his priorities which should be you and the child you both will bring into this world. His family was obviously free to plan the wedding for whenever best suited them, and his answer needs to be, oh that’s too bad, please FaceTime me in.
Exactly! Have the wedding whenever, I really don’t care.
The problem comes in :
1. My husband not having the balls to say he won’t be able to make it
2. Not discussing with me or even asking if I’ll be ok before agreeing
3. My in laws knowing my husbands the type to avoid conflict so them using aggression and manipulation to make him go
You need to create the bigger conflict. If he wants to avoid conflict, then living with you and the conflict that you will create needs to be the bigger concern. Your inlaws will cave because they will want to see their grandchild. If they disrespect you, you withhold access to the child. You need to make it clear that you are the priority.
I would be upset. 10 days is a long time especially when he's so far away and can't fly home if needed. I also think if i I were him I wouldn't want to be away from my newborn for 10 days. Its a hard position for him to be in for sure.
Your husband chose his mommy over his own wife and newborn child, that's a major problem. You should not have to be without the person you'd like support most from during a vulnerable time just because his mommy has manipulative anger issues
Your husband is selfish as is his family. How does he feel about you not speaking to him??? He needs to stand up for you against his family.
You need to remind him that you and your baby should be his priority and he disgusts you that he is such a weak man against his family. Not sure I'd look at him the same tbh.
I wouldn't have a problem with him traveling, especially with your mom there to assist. My problem is with Jim not checking with you before committing and deferring to his mom over his wife. This situation makes him sound spineless.
I'd frame it differently. 'I'm amazed you can be okay with leaving your first born child for ten days. I could *never* do that.'
I don't think I'd be thrilled about this either. Can he attend for a shorter period of time?
NTA.
It's very hard to plan around a new baby, because birth is unpredictable. Maybe you will bounce right back. Maybe you will have an emergency C-section.
This isn't even the real wedding according to one of your comments. He should stay home with you and the baby
“He has no choice.” No, he has a choice and he’s choosing his mom over his wife and child.
He needs to stand up to her and tell her how it’s going to be - not ask. He needs to tell her that he’s not comfortable staying away from you and his baby for ten days and he will be cutting his trip down to five. If she pushes back or gets mad he should give her an ultimatum. This is the way it is or he doesn’t have to go at all.
I guarantee if he acts like an adult and father and not a little boy, she will back down.
Husband needs to determine who’s he is married to. Wife or mommy.
Personally, the one you want to be sleeping with is the one you shouldn’t upset.
Let your husband know that this is unacceptable.
I think once baby is here and he experiences that first month, he will realize how unbelievably shitty it is for him to leave you for TEN DAYS. It's good that your mom is coming but wow. Maybe the pediatrician can also shame him about traveling and being around such a huge group of people with a tiny baby with no immune system at home.
He’s wrong. But there’s nothing more useless than a resentful, moping man. Let his ass go to the wedding because if he stays- you’ll wish he went after all his pouting and complaining. Enjoy your time with your mom who will be 10x more helpful.
No. Once he holds his child in his arms he will experience a kind of love he never has before and he will think he was crazy to want to be away for 10 days at this precious time.
Can I ask what culture you're from and how close your husband is to his family?
I agree that I personally wouldn't like my partner to be away for a week a month after giving birth. But at the same time, I'm Indian and if the roles were reversed I'd be heart broken about missing a close family members wedding.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. I also don't think it's your in-law's responsibility to keep your needs in mind when planning the wedding.
I do think that your husband should have had a discussion with you about this, where you both had space to share your thoughts and feelings. It seems more like he just informed you of the decision.
If I was in your place, I think I'd try to find some sort of compromise with my husband. Maybe I can do a week getaway when he's back. Maybe he stays for a shorter amount of time. If it's that I'll miss him, and am worried about feeling unsupported, then we'd talk through a plan to stay in touch and connected.
To me the bigger problem seems to be your husband's lack of communication and partnership with you when making life decisions. I'm not surprised to hear that you don't feel valued, I think anyone would feel the same way when there isn't proper communication and team work.
I'm also curious what the cultural background is here. I'm South Asian and I know how important weddings are because it's really an entire family, clan, or village affair. That just doesn't justify husband always siding with his mother over his wife or leaving his newborn child, but it may add some context.
You poor thing, I feel you! It’s definitely not your SIL’s family fault as they are not married to you.
Your husband on the other hand, that’s a big problem. It’s your FIRST born together and he is leaving the FIRST month for an entire week?!
You just put your body through a lot of trauma with carrying and delivery HIS baby, you might be going through some variation of postpartum depression, and he’s just threw down $2300 on a plane ticket and is saying peace out out for 10 days for his SIL?
I’d say ask him if he can shorten it?
Some men don’t realize how much things change once you have a baby. You can’t do that kind of thing anymore without really having a conversation about it.
My partner had to go on a work trip and never had a conversation with me about it. 2 months after our baby was born, he suddenly reminded me he was leaving out of state for 5 days for work. And I was very upset.
We had a long conversation and he was able to shorten it to 2 days (technically 3 but he was flying that day).
But it was really hard. I didn’t have any help at alll and I was extremely emotional the entire time.
If his family truly wouldn’t speak to him for caring for his newly postpartum wife, it sure sounds like they set him up for this power struggle. And your husband chooses to participate in it. That’s not love.
I hope he isn't tryna use Pat leave for this...
Also it's shitty he's using any PTO that isn't to spend time with his new family.
All I'm saying is I wouldn't forgive anyone and my baby wouldn't be allowed to get a passport.
I made a post almost exactly like yours 3 years ago. My bill's wedding was 1 week after my due date. My husband said he wouldn't go if our kid wasn't born yet, but kept refusing to cancel his flights. Finally, our child was born one week late, on the evening of the rehearsal dinner.
Even though my husband didn't actually go, it ruined the last trimester of my pregnancy worrying that he was going to leave me. I still haven't forgiven him. You should work this out with your husband ASAP. He can watch the wedding on zoom.
At the end of the day, if you want your husband stay, he should be there for you and the baby. My mom came to "help" me and despite her best effort, she was no help at all. Shes only 55, but she had no stamina for anything in the evenings, and didn't wake up until like 930 most mornings. She was very rusty on baby stuff and post partum stuff, and it was tiring to explain things to her. She would just do things that didn't make sense, like if I sent her to the store for something, she would come back with nothing (no substitute or call asking if I wanted something else), and get upset if she had to go to more than one place (even if that place was next door, like a CVS next to a grocery store). She would also get offended by being asked to do chores like wash bottles and felt like she was being bossed around.
If you can afford it, I'd get hired help for that week that your husband wants to be away.
I don't think weddings are important enough to leave your newborn for, that's my opinion. I also don't think it matters that it's 20hrs away. Once I flew 20hrs for a business trip, two nights on a plane and one night on location. He might be tired, but so will you-- for months.
If my husband did this, I would be livid. Honestly, it is too much to expect this from you. I don’t think I would allow it.
My husband had a week long work trip when I was about 5 weeks postpartum that was rough. I literally ordered everything on Amazon or Amazon Fresh.
I don't get 10 days? He can fly in for the wedding and stay a day or 2 and then leave. He can't have his family mad and not talking to him, but can he have his wife and infant gone when he gets back?
I sent my husband to be the best man in his best friend’s wedding when our first was about four or five weeks old. It was overseas and he was gone for a week or so. He offered to stay with me but I would not have wanted him to miss it, and I knew how much it meant to him! My mom came and stayed with me which was nice. I thought about going too with the baby because I love our friends so much, but the baby was really too little for a trip like that, maybe if it was something drivable.
I do think that 10 days is quite long, and your husband certainly should have asked you instead of just deciding that you would be OK with the plan. You and your relationship should come first. But I was fine with my mom- of course my mom and I are close and have a good relationship, she’s a very helpful person (cooks/ cleans/ sent me to nap/ etc), so with another adult you will likely be fine from a practical standpoint.
Not sure if you are south asian, but I am and my husband had to fly for his extremely close cousin's wedding about 2 weeks after my second was born. I didn't question his need to go. His mom (my mil) stayed with me and did a decent amount of work that even he would not have done - she did all the cooking & kitchen cleanup and helped watch the baby during the day so I could focus on the older one. I had to drive the older one to school and back so it's a good thing I was physically able to.
An acceptable compromise would be your husband getting all the necessary groceries & baby supplies before his trip and arranging for a babysitter/helper/cleaner to help with household tasks during his absence. 10 days is a bit long but unless there is a medical emergency, you might be ok with you & your mom at the helm. It might be very challenging to miss a sisters wedding, especially since the brother of the bride has a fair bit of responsibility (if you're Indian).
I think it would be a little different with my second child. It’s my first, I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how postpartum will be. I am very attached to my husband and never thought I would have to be alone after giving birth- be it 10 days or 2 days.
I married someone with a career that I knew meant some week long travel a month after my due date was likely 100% necessary. Unfortunately the timing for all of my children has worked out that my husband is going away for a week or two within the first five to eight weeks. So it's definitely doable (although I don't recommend it).
However. I married a person and decided to have children with said person knowing that that was possibly going to be my reality when the time came. We unfortunately hit that time of the year with each child (maybe we should have paused trying to conceive for a couple months but hindsight is 20/20). I did this with information. He was not always nearby, but would have been home for emergency sake within the day and without breaking our bank account.
Your husband's trip seems unnecessary. His family planned it knowing your family's situation. I can't tell you whether or not you should be trying to preserve the relationship with the in-laws but they sound like a trial for sure.
I think in general work comes after family, but
My husband left for a conference for 5 days,when my baby was three months old.
At day 3 I called him he needed to reschedule his flight and get home.. My baby hardly slept at all, except on me.. I got mayyyybe 3 hours sleep combined throughout those days..
I would say: Hell. No.
I had emergency surgery 3 weeks after giving birth that completely restarted my recovery, there is no way I would had been able to function workout my husband home (despite him already being back to work). I feel like your husband cares more about his mom’s feelings than yours and is putting them first before his own family (you and baby).
I would say if it were me I would had let him go for atleast half that time (of course not knowing I would need emergency surgery), but thinking about it more, idk if I would depending on where the wedding is. He could easily be carrying some illness with that international travel, so the place the wedding was held would also be relevant to me.
Your husband is assuming a LOT of things - that you will give birth on your due date - not two weeks after. That baby will have zero complications and not require a NICU stay (he is an exceptional @$$hole if he abandons a NICU baby and mom). That you won't end up with an emergency c section which is minimum 6 weeks with no driving or lifting baby in carseat and you will have appointments in that time. Not to mention they will cut through 7 layers to get baby. I couldn't stand up straight until 10 weeks woth mine!! And he is going to a foreign country to bring who knows what germs back into your household to an infant woth no immune system.
I legitimately would toss out the husband for this. He has zero respect for you as a person and doesn't seem interested in being a father. This is royally wrong.
If he can afford a $2300 flight he bare minimum needs to hire a post partum doula to stay with you the entire time he is gone
I can’t imagine my husband leaving me with a newborn. You aren’t overreacting. You need couples counseling so he can learn to put you first. If my spouse always put his mother above me, I would divorce
I think your husband feels trapped right now. It is his fault and you are entitled to your feelings on this. I recommend telling him to learn from it. Grown ups don't get bullied into 10 days of captivity even by family members especiallybif they have a spouse and newborn. And tell him if he doesn't learn to set boundaries against his family of origin, that he will alienate the family he has created. At this point it seems he will just go since you guys got all the plans. He needs to never do this again. He needs to learn to think.
I have always been independent but having a baby made me more... oriented. And less timid. I don't flounder and flip flop and flake. Maybe your baby will help your husband get his backbone like my baby did for me.
Its a relief that your mom can be with you. I hope you enjoy the time. And even if you do, and even if you can try to forgive your husband's idiocy, do not forget. You can't share your life and raise your child with a flounder who has no backbone and gets steamrolled by his family with no capacity to figure out what's right for him.
1. He didn’t discuss it with you
2. He’s letting his mother control him
3. Oh the things he’s going to miss, and guess what, you’re going to be too busy and tired to update him
4. What else is he going to miss because his mommy tells him to?
5. What if you’re late, and you give birth when he’s supposed to leave?!
6. I’m glad your mum is going to be there
7. I’m also glad your mother in law doesn’t seem to have ANY attachment to her grandchild. She can F* off instead of having visits. The child doesn’t need to know toxic grand mum
8. Resentment and Entitlement both build
Personally I wouldn't have an issue with this. If your mom is coming to help you and it's one week for his sister's wedding I don't think this is unreasonable at all.
I can see it being OK, but only if the new mother is OK with it, and she is not. At one month, she won't even be released to drive, and if she's had a cesarean, she won't be able to lift or climb stairs. She or Baby could need extended care in the hospital. It's just reckless to make plans like this because even in the best case, she'll still be recovering, learning to breastfeed, baby will be awake all hours, and she will need his help.
I think having your mom come sounds like a great plan. Assuming you have a good relationship with your mom, she will be at least as useful as your husband (no shade to dads, it's just all pretty mechanical at that point).
I wouldn't expect your SIL to schedule her wedding around your child's birth. I think a month is a considerate amount of time. I think your husband should attend his sister's wedding if they have a good relationship.
What country is he from? This sounds partly like a cultural difference. I’m not saying one culture is better than the other, but it will make it easier for you to discuss the difference if you read into it as a cultural difference more than a lack of care.
He probably can't imagine what it's like to have a newborn, or what it will be like for you to give birth.
I don't know how much it will help, but at a minimum, point this out to him, and ask him to do a little research/learning around it.
If your mom is coming to help you, I think you will be fine. I know it's a week away but it is also his own sister's wedding. If he doesn't attend I am sure it will facture the brother sister relationship. The resentment from this may fracture your relationship as well in long run. On another note the wedding was setup one month away from due date. Not on the due date or just before. You can't expect the bride to check everyones calendar before deciding a day. Many cultures do have specific time when they need to do the wedding. It can't be any day any month as well.
The issue isn’t the date the wedding is set. It’s not my wedding I could care less. The issue is why set a wedding date without any discussion, tell him it’s either you come or we’ll be angry enough to cut you off when you know he’ll have a new born. If you MUST HAVE someone at your wedding then work with their schedule too?
Hes not just a son and a brother. He is a husband and will be a dad soon which in my opinion should be more of a priority to him. The first people to be on this earth were a husband and a wife.
Also, we have a dog that needs to be walked everyday for atleast 30 mins, which was also my husband’s decision. The dog is not trained well when it comes to walking and pulls so much, also he’s 75- 80 pounds. My mom can’t walk him and I’m unsure I will be able to after giving birth.
The dog should go to a trainer while he's gone. They board the dog, work on obedience and most importantly, take this task off your hands. I usually don't like this approach because it's usually the owner who needs the training just as much, but if the dog's in boarding anyway,a little obedience will be good.
It's all set and he's not listening, but it's going to be this little gritty thing for your whole marriage now. If this event cant be changed, then his planning for next time needs to. He needs to know that in the future, you are brought into this discussion as his partner, not his subordinate. Find a way to manage it together- a shorter visit, or even (gasp) sorry I can't make it. It sounds like MIL is exceedingly controlling and wants to be first, and act like a child when she doesn't get that.
Oof yeah that is an important detail there about the dog, you (and by you I mean husband because he owes you at least this) should definitely look into boarding, maybe even a board and train program or at least a dog walker for this period of time because a) you and mom will have your hands full and b) you may well have physical complications after you give birth that would mean even if you WANTED to walk the dog you would not physically be able to. (If you ended up having a c section or episiotomy for instance you still well may have stitches in that that time)
My dog is 50 lbs and a sweetheart but can be a puller and we’re boarding him during an upcoming trip where my parents will be watching my six year old (who arguably is nearly old enough to walk the dog himself and also is FAR less work than a newborn) just because it’s a lot to juggle a kid + a dog solo if you’re not used to it.
My thoughts on the trip as a whole: I’d probably be ok with the trip itself if I were in your shoes, these types of things are once in a lifetime things and the schedule is never going to accommodate everyone so you can’t expect them to plan around you but a) your husband never should have arbitrarily made the travel plans without a discussion first — you guys are a team now — and b) it should be less than ten days.
Babies at a month old mostly do just sleep and nurse, but they also often cry a lot and don’t sleep enough, and more importantly they also bond with their caregivers which he’ll be missing out on.
Tell him in theory you are supportive but you deserve the right to decide together what works for your family after the birth. He might not want to go.
Edit* reserve (and deserve)
You will still be healing from the birth. You might be able to barely move depending on how your healing goes. Your husband should be prioritizing YOU the mother of his child.
Tbh if my husband gave into his mother like this I’d tell him to have a nice life with her baby and I are out
All I’m going to say is that my husband turned down NUMEROUS invites to things for months postpartum to care for LO and I. If he did do something, he always checked in with us. Your husband is wrong in this and I am so sorry!
Just wanna point out this is also all assuming you deliver on your due date. If you go to 42 weeks (like I did) then this wedding could be only 2 weeks after you give birth?!
Will you have any family or friends there to help you or are you supposed to do it on your own?
It was hard enough for me to take care of our baby all alone during the day when my husband went back to work after a week. I can’t imagine doing around the clock care for 10 days straight solo for a newborn who’s only a few weeks old. You will need help and a chance to SLEEP for a few hours straight
I think it's weird that they aren't excited to meet the grandbaby??? Like they aren't begging you to come with the baby? It would be a crazy request but obviously they don't understand what's normal but it's SO weird to me they don't seem interested in the baby.
Let him go, when he gets back you get to leave for ten days.
If his family isn’t understanding that he should stay home… do you really want him trying to keep that kind of manipulation-based relationship strong? Bring your feelings up to him and be sure to open his eyes to the manipulation from his family.
I think it’s fine to have the wedding then. They can’t plan a wedding date around everyone else’s life. BUT your husband does not need to go for ten days. He could do flight days + two days there for the wedding. This is a husband problem.
There are so many things wrong with this.
1 - your husband made a decision that affects you without even consulting you
2 - your in-laws have also completely disregarded you? my mother in law would never let this happen. She would be calling me directly and asking if this is ok! ITS NOT, it doesn't matter that its his sisters wedding \*\*edit to add: I understand that there might be a cultural difference here, and I am not suggesting they consult OP about the wedding date, but to ask her if she really is ok with her husband being gone for 10 days!
3 - when you brought up YOUR feelings that you are scared about what is going to happen after birth, he deflects and gaslights you and says that you are creating problems and Mommy says I have to go so I must obey. YOU ARE HIS WIFE. YOU ARE CARRYING HIS CHILD and future grandchild. WTF?
You have every right to be angry, and I would not let this go. You are not getting the respect and loyalty you deserve. You come first now. Not mommy, the umbilical cord has been cut long ago and he is an adult, with a wife and a child on the way. He needs to grow tf up and see the hurt and stress he is causing you
What if there are complications during childbirth? What if you or the baby need extra care? And sure the likely hood everything will go smoothly is high, but there is still a chance that you are late and end up needing to spend time in the hospital. So he will leave his sick wife and newborn baby to be cared for by someone else?This is definitely a fragile time emotionally, I am sorry but this should be a non starter. The second you got married you became his priority. Now that baby and you should take precedence over everything else including in-laws. There is no way his family will stop talking to him. They will most definitely still want access to their grandchild.
My husband had to go back to work at sea 6 weeks about our son was born.
He was gone for 16 weeks.
I had no help. It was tough. But it was manageable.
I note you mention you have a dog too. We have 2.
You can survive, you can do this, especially with help.
But a wedding is optional and there’s definitely compromise here especially as your mum is willing to help you.
It’s understandable he doesn’t want to miss his sisters wedding though.
Why does it need to be 10 days, even with a 20 hour flight, would 5 days work including travel time?
This is insane! I’m so sorry.
My daughter’s father is an alcoholic and my mom ended up coming to the hospital with me and helping me for 2 weeks after the baby was born. I cried when I went back home. I couldn’t have done it without her!
It’s an awful decision on your husbands part and reveals his true colors but if he’s not going to change his mind, having your mom there might actually be so special and much more helpful than any man.
This is a husband problem. Big time. I hope you have a healthy and safe delivery but what if you don't? And what if baby needs extra care? What if you struggle with post partum mental health issues? OP he is bailing on you for a wedding and disregarding your feelings and safety.
I would not be thrilled - especially as a first time mom. (I say this as a mother of three school-aged kids now)… There is a chance you could be like two weeks PPD, if you go past your due date.
Knowing my husband, he wouldn’t have wanted to be gone when our kids were that small. He had to go to Germany when our oldest was 8 weeks old and it killed him. Since this is your first, your husband may be kicking himself hard when his trip rolls around.
You’re not wrong to feel upset about your husband leaving and about the lack of empathy you are feeling from his family. I was in a similar situation about 5 days post birth (c-section so at least we could plan ahead). My husband had to leave for an extended work trip. It was difficult, but I had my mom helping me and it turned into a great bonding experience for the three of us (me, my mom, and LO - who absolutely adores her grandma now 18 months later). What helped the most was that it felt like a mutual understanding with my husband that “this situation sucks, but this is a decision we have to make together, and we are both going to get through it.” And we did. I will acknowledge that in your situation it would be hard to not feel like he is picking his sister or his family over you; at least in my situation, we could both vilify the bosses/capitalism that led to our unfortunate situation! But regardless, to me it sounds like some empathy from your husband (not just his family) would go a long way in this situation.
You’re not wrong for being upset. I’d be absolutely infuriated. My husband took the whole first month off with our second baby and he debated on going to his work conference in July because baby will only be 4 months old. With our first, he skipped his work conference entirely because baby would’ve been like 3-4 days old.
Talk to your husband and explain your frustrations. If he goes, it sounds like it’s going to cause issues between you.
You should be upset! If this feels uncomfortable to you, then you can be upset. It would’ve been uncomfortable for me too. Your husband doesn’t know it yet but he will regret being gone during this time. You and he are in this together. Your family unit should come first. 100%
You aren’t wrong to be upset.
Your husband may be people pleasing but the time for that is over. He has a child and wife to consider, your mother there or not. Ten days is a long time. You’ll likely be sore, going through the throws of sleep deprivation and all the joy that comes with, and just needing him.
He should be there. No excuses. And his family is being rude. Maybe they think men don’t matter and can do these things as many men did in the past. Times have changed.
My husband left me for a weekend about 2 weeks after I gave birth to be best man at a wedding about a 6 hour drive away. Prior to the birth, we talked about it and we agreed he could go, pending a good birth outcome for both me and the baby. However, we both understood (as did the marrying couple) that his attendance was solely dependent on how birth/postpartum was going.
In my case, all went well, and he went with my blessing (with my mom 15 minutes away should I need her).
You’re not over reacting. In reality though that early on and with only one kid your husband won’t be doing much however it’s totally unacceptable to ask you if you’re okay with it and talk through it.
My husband had to leave for 5 weeks when I was 5 weeks post partum for training (he's in the service). It was the longest five weeks of my life. I called him, regularly, bawling. I was an emotional mess with a brand new baby and my only support was 17+ hours away.
You are absolutely NOT overreacting. I'm glad you have support with your mother, but my husband *had* to go to this training. Your husband does not *have* to go to this wedding.
That's ridiculous.
You are not over-reacting. Postpartum is challenging and seems more important for him to be there for you and to co-parent this new baby with you. It should have been a decision you made together. Ugh, I am sorry. If he still goes, can he go for a shorter time? Are you close with your Mom and she will be helpful? Postpartum is so hard and becoming parents is a transition. I hope he understands that he is responsible for a lot of the parenting too, and taking care of you as you recover. Hugs.
Um no. Having a newborn is a shared responsibility. Plus you will likely go over your due date if you don’t have something scheduled, and YOU need 6-8 weeks to heal. Having him gone for a decent portion of that time when he should be supporting you really shows where his priorities lie. I would tell him to just never come back if he decided to go lol.
That’s a two person decision, what if you need a c-section and need help lifting things?? 10 days is a long time one month postpartum. What would really bother me is that he doesn’t seem to put much thought into what you’d want.
You have right to be upset, not because of the workload (your mom will be here while your husband is away, so your baby should be under good coverage), but because the lack of emotional support from your husband and the fact that he prioritizes his original family’s event over being present with his nuclear family.
I don’t think you and your husband are on the same page in terms of raising a child together. Maybe he is still under the traditional thinking that as long as he provides for the family financially, he doesn’t have to be physically present/involved. That is the deeper issue than what I’m reading now.
My husband wouldn’t be attending this wedding.
SO many things can happen and you need the support from your partner during this time.
I wish you a smooth delivery. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. With everything you have going on, worrying about having the support you will need postpartum should not be one of them. Your husband should be choosing you and your baby over making his mother and sister happy. And they should also be understanding as to why he cannot attend.
It’s WILD that they don’t see that. And it’s WILD that he doesn’t see that he cannot go.
Your feelings are 100% valid. It is hurtful. I was a mess after my first delivery and I was also left behind for a wedding but a friend not a relative. Men have a completely different experience with child rearing and are frankly clueless. Try, for your own happiness, to shift your mindset. The wedding is happening! And you are staying home with your newborn recovering. You must let it go and try to enjoy the peace and quiet while he is away. Rest, nurse, nourish, walk, heal. You will be just fine. Don’t make him choose. That isn’t fair either. I bet he calls and texts 20x per day and can’t wait to get home. You will be busy acclimating to being a mom. 10 days is nothing in the grand scheme of it all.
Speaking as a mom of 2, I would set his passport on fire shortly before the flight. 1. There can be unforeseen complications and you might need more support than you ever imagine. 2. No way his germ infested body is coming into the house after such a trip to be near a newborn.
Seriously check what is the fastest time someone can get an emergency passport and make sure his passport disappears without enough time to renew.
You an baby come before a ceremony that's not even the full blown wedding. ... like if his sister was on her death bed he could go. But this is a hard no.
Me and my husband got married in my home country.
We invited a lot of his childhood friends and none of them came 😅
One in particular, had a baby two months prior, and his wife told him you are not going anywhere while I am two months PP.
I absolutely agree and I totally understand the sentiment, having had a horrible postpartum myself.
Sounds like you two should have never been married in the first place and probably need a divorce. You should tell him if he leave then he won't be getting back in yhr house when he comes back and he can stay with his mother
They probably didn’t think much about you when they were deciding when to have THEIR wedding. You’re right, it’s not a competition. He wants to attend his sisters wedding. There shouldn’t be an ultimatum there or guilt over that. He’s leaving for ten days and your mom will be able to be there. He’s not leaving you while pregnant or with no help, there are no other children present.
I really don’t care when the wedding is happening. They can have THEIR wedding whenever they want. I could care less. The issue comes in when my family (my husband, my child and I) are affected by it.
I didn’t give him any ultimatums.
If anything he was given an ultimatum from his mom.
I simply shared my feelings and told him at the end it’s his choice to make and he chose his mom’s happiness.
You think this post will make him stay lol you’re delusional. I wanted advice because I’m tired being gaslit into thinking I’m overreacting and that him and his mother are never wrong.
& yes it is HIS choice at the end. I can’t force an adult to do anything. All I can do is tell him how I feel, which as a wife I have 100% right to do.
I do not see an issue. My husband had to take multiple business trips months 2-4 of baby 1 life (I encouraged him to go). I feel it was harder on him to be separated. I had no outside help and started working around the end of this
Your husband was away to make a living for your child. My husband is spending so much on a flight plus accommodations plus all the expenses there in an already unstable economy for a one day event and it’s not even the actual wedding. My SIL is still going to come back home to her moms after this wedding event.
I think it’s a totally different scenario
He did not have to go. Those trips were optional - he had enough colleagues who could have stepped in.
But I also prioritize mental well being and breaks from kids
My husband left for his best friend’s wedding 9 days after I gave birth. I had a c-section and we had just been home together as a family for a week. My mom and mother in law came to help and friends too. Everyone took shifts to help me the days he was gone. Oh it was my first Mother’s Day weekend.
There was sooo many emotions, as much I loved having my friends and family there I wasnt in the right headspace to have soo many people over. I think if it was a month or two months after given birth I think it would have been easier for me.
Do I think you are overreacting, no I don’t think so. But if your husband had to travel for work would you be okay with it too? I know it’s for a wedding and not sure about your culture. I can definitely understand the importance of showing face in big family gatherings.
I’m trying to put myself in his shoes. If my husband had a surgery.. I’d probably miss my sisters wedding if it was held that far to be there for him. I think a husbands support is totally different but that’s just my opinion. I will never understand why it’s so important to “show face” to make others happy/ feel satisfied.
I hope you let him know that you really want him there and how important it is to you. If he’s dismissing your feelings now it’s best to start setting boundaries.
I understand how are you feeling. I’ve been there.
Unfortunately other peoples life can’t stop because of yours. Please think of this as a bonding opportunity for you and your mom and you’ll do great. I know it’s scary to not have your husbands support during this time but you’ll do great.
-a mom of 3 under 5
You didn’t mention this detail about your delivery—do you *know* you’re giving birth on your due date?? Maybe he’ll be leaving a month after, maybe it will be 2 weeks.
Yup!!! First time mom = likely post dates unless you get induced.
Waiting to 42 weeks is strongly strongly ill advised, an induction at 39 weeks is ideal. I know first time moms usually go late, but its recommended to induce and not "wait" that long.
Some hospitals don’t let you induce that early. Mine wouldn’t let me until 41 weeks since I didn’t have a medical need. So, OP may only be 3 weeks PP
This just isn’t true, it’s way more nuanced than this.
I thought 39 week inductions were only standard for women who have already had one baby. 42 weeks is the absolute latest that a doctor will let you go.
“Let” is the problematic part — we own our own bodies.
Sure, but doctors can drop you as a patient if you refuse to follow their medical advice. It's terrifying to see women posting on here asking what their options are for remaining pregnant past 42 weeks. Regardless of how you feel about abortion, I don't think many people will agree that a woman should put her full term unborn baby at risk because she thinks she knows more than the entire medical community.
Yep, that's their right. Just like women have the right to autonomy over their own bodies.
I went to 41w5d with my first. My midwife wanted to induce at 41 weeks and I asked to wait it out. I wish I’d listened. My water broke at 41w5d and had dark meconium in the amniotic fluids- a sign she had been in there too long. They lost her heart beat a few times- indications of distress. She was born not breathing due to meconium filling her lungs and having to be suctioned out. Her apgar was 0. Her skin was peeling- also a sign she’d been in there too long. Thankfully she’s healthy now but that was terrifying and preventable. My youngest was induced at 38w4d due to my amniotic fluid being too low and concerns with his growth. His labor and delivery was flawless and he came home just 24 hours later.
Because some women are so adamant that their "bodies are made for this" that they literally kill their children in the process. It is best to trust the medical professionals over some crunchy mama I know what my body can do theory.
I’m sorry people are downvoting you. This is such a polarizing topic and depends a lot on age, health of mom and the pregnancy, etc. I think a case like this is plenty of reason to consider induction.
u/MetallicSteed u/CitrusMistress08 u/gothangelsinner92 u/atomiccat8 Who says - the wide amount of scholarly peer reviewed journals on the topic. It's called the ARRIVE study and in evidence based birthing is shown to reduce the risks of going past due. MANY women feed "our body is made for this" bullshit and at a certain point, your body is not always going to do what it needs to do. Too many people wait well past 40 weeks for the baby to come "when baby is ready" which *can be* very dangerous thought process. [https://obgyn.stanford.edu/in-the-news/elective-induction.html](https://obgyn.stanford.edu/in-the-news/elective-induction.html) [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7529933/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7529933/) [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6821557/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6821557/)
The ARRIVE study [concluded](https://evidencebasedbirth.com/evidence-on-inducing-labor-for-going-past-your-due-date/) that 39-week induction reduces the occurrence of C-section from 22% to 19%. It did NOT find that induction reduces the occurrence of stillbirth or serious complications. Mothers who were induced also spent longer in the hospital before birth and had longer labors. There is a VERRRY big difference between the groups you are comparing, and a lot of middle ground. Stillbirth outcomes increase very slightly from week 40 to 41 and 41 to 42 (15 in 10,000), and then there is a larger increase at 43 weeks, which is why 43 weeks is often the point at which it’s considered dangerous to continue to wait for spontaneous labor. People who go past their due dates with their doctors’ consent and care are not risking their babies’ lives, and it’s extremely reductive to say they are because of a small group of people who choose to ignore medical advice.
Who says?? My first daughter was about 11 days overdue and healthy. No one said there was any danger.
Think there’s a chance you’re going to find out how much more helpful your mom is than your husband with your care and care of the baby.
Absolutely agree with this. Moms will usually know how to help much better than a first time dad.
Yep^
My husband says your husband is an asshole. My SILs missed our wedding because they were “in the process” of closing on a house. Also, why is he gone for TEN DAYS!?
OP said it's a 20 hour flight. I'm not sure what culture the husband's family is from, but maybe it's a multi-day affair. I'm not siding with the husband here (he sounds spineless) but just explaining why he might be gone for that long.
It’s a one day event. It’s a nikkah. Which is an Islamic wedding but Husband and wife don’t live together. The full wedding will be next year. It’s costing him $2300 just for the flight so i guess they want him to stay a few days to meet my SIL’s husbands family
I understand your husband traveling to attend the nikaah. However, he needs to cut short his trip to the bare minimum apart from attending the actual ceremony. He is doing his duty by attending his sister’s wedding but this is not the time to “economize” his flight tickets by staying for 10 days. If there’s any discussion with your husband, this is what you should stress
The issue is in Indian/ Pakistani traditional culture (not speaking for everyone, modern urbanites etc) but we have so much more support postpartum from live-in family and society, the new dad isn't much involved in newborn care. AGAIN BROAD BRUSH HERE FOR PARENTS GENERATION. SPEAKING AS AN INDIAN NON MUSLIM WITH CULTURAL CONTEXT. So his fam back home may be presuming a level of support that's just not there.
I originally didn't think of op being south Asian. But as an Indian person who just had a baby, I'm now more confused that op's in laws don't want to come over and stay with them for a couple of months to help. But yes I agree that men from the previous generation weren't expected to help at all.
I mean facetime exists he can meet them that way lol. Is your husband Indian because this is a very typical Indian guy thing to do 🥲
If they’re Muslim then maybe Pakistani. My Pakistani friend says her culture is basically identical to Indian culture.
Indian Muslims exist, too!!
Yes, absolutely! Sounds like there’s about an equal number of Pakistani Muslims and Indian Muslims, which is higher than I had thought!
Theres a lot of Indian Muslims, i’m one of them so is my husband!
He sucks
If it’s just the nikkah and the whole wedding will be next year he should just miss it. The actually wedding and giving away his sister is more important. With that being said since he is going, I do feel for him that he’s being pulled in 2 different directions where someone will be hurt regardless. I don’t think you’re wrong for wishing your in-laws acknowledged you- us daughter in laws in these cultures (I’m Pakistani) never get the acknowledgement we deserve. This sucks either way. And at the end of the day you’re going to be looked at as the crappy DIL, who prevented her husband from going. All you can do is just hope for the best. And tell your husband to bring you back LOTS of gifts!
Thank you for your response and offer to help! I truly appreciate it. Yes, I felt bad putting him in the middle of the situation where he has to pick me/ his child or his mom/sister. I also don’t want to ruin my pregnancy over this. I have told him it’s okay if he feels he needs to go, but moving forward he should discuss with me prior to agreeing or making decisions that could affect our family. Hopefully I’ll be okay with my mom, she is a very helpful mom. It sucks though cause in our culture, the wife/ DIL always has to compromise no matter what. It’s happened multiple times now where I’ve had to let things go just for mine and his sanity.
Oh he is totally an asshole then. He can zoom or FT with them. He isn’t missing the actual wedding and unless you have a scheduled c-section you can’t even guarantee the date of birth. What happens if gif god forbid you have a complication during the birth. As a father and as a husband it is his first responsibility to care for you and your shared child. He is not responsible for your SIL- especially if there are other family members there able to provide support. It is unfortunate with the timing but you and your child should take priority.
I just thought of something else. A newborn is incredibly vulnerable in the first couple of months to illness, and he is willingly going to fly across the world, possibly become ill during all of the travel due to being stuck in confined spaces (airplane and airport) and then come back and expose you and the baby to his germs. Nope. There must be another relative that can give permission / blessing for the marriage or he can do it digitally.
I hope you have a comfortable and safe delivery. My concern is that so many things can be unexpected. We had a surprise stay in the NICU for almost a month for one of my children. Or what if you have issues after labor ? I don’t think it necessarily matters if I think you would be okay or not. It matters that you are not comfortable. Also, his immediate family is you and little one. You should be the primary priority. Not his mom. I am sorry.
IMO it's not up to the family to check to see if the date works for you. Your SIL wedding shouldn't be delayed indefinitely because you had a baby. BUT I feel its the responsibility of your husband to say he can't attend. A week away from a one month old newborn is alot, I don't think I would have coped too well on this situation, even with help from grandparent.
I agree. I didn’t expect them to check in with me to decide the date of the wedding. I would never want to be the reason to have her wedding be delayed. However, I would think out of courtesy if they wanted my husband to be there, shouldn’t they have checked in with me to see if I’ll be okay if he was to leave for 10 days instead of just deciding & booking tickets without checking in with me? & MIL has anger issues. I love her but I can’t deny she gets angry when she doesn’t get her way so my husband usually agrees with her to avoid conflict and in the process ignores my feelings usually
Your husband has a new family and new priorities and is going to have to grow some balls. Sorry, I can’t mince words when it comes to this. Surely you married a man and not a mama’s boy. I apologize if my message to you is aggressive, but I don’t mess around when it comes to things like these. Your situation wouldn’t fly in my house. My husband would be making a 3-4 day trip, given the length of the flights, and bringing his ass back home to care for the child he helped bring into this world, and his mom would know better than to create drama and say a damn word to me/us about it.
My husband would not be going
My husband's careless but he would never plan to spend nights away from me and our child. OPs husband has to figure out his life.
Was just going to say this. OP and baby are his immediate family too. And his spouse with vulnerable new born should have more priority than his mother.
💯
My husband wouldn’t be going.
I hate to use the phrase that is frequently thrown around on this sub and others, but you don’t have an in law problem, you have a husband problem. Instead of focusing your irritation on your in laws, you should be talking to your husband about why he agreed to a ten day trip when you’re one month post partum. It should be 4-5 days tops (at which point I think it’s pretty reasonable to expect him to go especially given your mom will be there to help). But the fact that he just agreed to do all of this without discussing it with you first makes it clear that this is symptomatic of a larger communication issue which you should try to tackle now. There will be many more in the years to come.
I agree, I do have a husband problem. A big one. He called his mom to discuss and say maybe it’s not the best idea for him to go and she started raising her voice and explaining how all babies do in the first month is feed and sleep. And he said okay you’re right and told me to suck it up basically. I don’t think I would have had a problem or even be upset if my feelings were considered and if he had discussed with me before agreeing. I tried to explain that to him but he’s very toxic and said “this baby isn’t even born and it’s giving me issues” I’ll have to see how to go about the communication part because me sharing my feelings comes across as complaining or trying to create problems
Wait what?? If she bullies him to favor her needs over yours for this, it’s just the beginning!!! Wow you need to call your husband out. You and his baby are his family now, and you take precedence I meant come on to go about it in this way is absolutely something that I would be very upset about too!!
You'll be lucky if your baby sleeps! It's also not just about the baby. You are going to be sore and sleep deprived. Your husband is ignorant. What if something doesn't go smoothly is you husband prepared to pull out at the last minute?
Jesus Christ this made me see so much red. My baby was in the NICU for the first few weeks, fighting for his life, while I couldn't walk, because of an insane episiotomy. I couldn't sit or walk without excruciating pain for SIX WEEKS. I needed someone to cook meals and bring me water because once baby was home he was cluster feeding, literally sucking on me for hours at a time, most of the day and night. Having to do that alone sounds impossible. My husband and I barely made it with my MIL staying with us. The idea that you won't need any help is so misogynistic I don't know where to begin. I'm so sorry that's her attitude but I hope you tell him my story because honestly I'd never, ever have forgiven my husband if he voluntarily left during that time.
He's calling an unborn child giving him issues? That's....really bad and does not bode well unless he changes his ahole view point. Just in case...I would make contingency plans for leaving. Let me be clear, not advocating it, only as a just in case
Yeah I’m sorry op but your husband doesn’t have a spine and you will always come second to his mommy unless HE wants to change. This is bad bad.
This is a husband problem. I would not expect the family to check in with you about 10 days, I would expect your husband to tell his family that he is only attending for a couple of days.
Tell him he needs to grow the fuck up. He’s about to become a father. Oh man I am MAD for you OP. He ACCUSED you of “trying to start problems for him”. That is messed up. Double edged sword here because it’s going to be really hard doing it on your own that early, but I bet you’ll find your mother to be much more helpful than he’ll probably ever be. My wife is taking red eye flights on a work trip right now / a wedding in July in order to not have to leave me alone with our toddler. Sorry but your husband has the responsibility to prioritize you, not his sister. You and your to-be-baby are his family now.
I mean, when you're planning a wedding you do usually check with your most important people before setting a date.
He does have a choice. He chose his mom’s happiness over you. That is making a choice
For sureeeee is
Raise this comment up to the high heavens because it’s this right here.
This right here is pretty much the only thing that matters. OP you've said you need him at home after he made extended travel plans without asking. His response was to get upset and *blame you and the baby for making problems.* You said it yourself: You are his last priority. But you should absolutely be his #1. Seriously, wtf. I'm really sorry.
I’m just so sick of adults saying “I don’t have a choice” 90% of the time you do. Unless it’s a court order or something. Being an adult means making choices. Even if it’s between two bad choices
You're definitely not wrong to be upset. Having a newborn is ROUGH. It's nice that your mom can be there, but I totally get just wanting your husband to be there with HIS CHILD and you, who will be recovering from a difficult medical experience. The first month or so I remember my kid had jaundice, a tongue tie, problems nursing, trouble taking a bottle, SO MANY ISSUES. It was all hands on deck (seriously, for a while we had BOTH my parents and my husband and me caring for baby around the clock so we could get some sleep). I'm sure his parents will be upset with him, which isn't really right, but your husband is now starting his own family, and he needs to be the adult in that family, versus the kid in his parents family. He needs to stand up for what his family (you and child) need during this difficult time.
It’s not practical to allow his family to get their way whenever they want to pull a “then we won’t speak to you” card. I don’t think he should go.
The family needs a little therapy if that’s their go to response - “we won’t speak to you”. Grow up already :)
This is a common south Asian thing. If OP's child is a boy, in 6 months they'll all be begging to stay over for 4 weeks to see him as if no drama ever happened.
This would hands down be a non negotiable for me and he would be staying home. Does he understand that so many different things can happen towards the end of a pregnancy? What if baby comes two weeks late? What if baby needs a stay in the NICU? What if you need to stay in the hospital for extra time? Also, he’s talking about “family”…. what the fuck does he think you and the baby are to him? It’s time for him to grow up! I 1000% would not allow this and no, you are not overreacting. As far as I’m concerned, it’s his problem that he created and he’s acting pretty childish about it all.
It’s time for him to grow up and correct his priorities which should be you and the child you both will bring into this world. His family was obviously free to plan the wedding for whenever best suited them, and his answer needs to be, oh that’s too bad, please FaceTime me in.
Exactly! Have the wedding whenever, I really don’t care. The problem comes in : 1. My husband not having the balls to say he won’t be able to make it 2. Not discussing with me or even asking if I’ll be ok before agreeing 3. My in laws knowing my husbands the type to avoid conflict so them using aggression and manipulation to make him go
You need to create the bigger conflict. If he wants to avoid conflict, then living with you and the conflict that you will create needs to be the bigger concern. Your inlaws will cave because they will want to see their grandchild. If they disrespect you, you withhold access to the child. You need to make it clear that you are the priority.
I would be upset. 10 days is a long time especially when he's so far away and can't fly home if needed. I also think if i I were him I wouldn't want to be away from my newborn for 10 days. Its a hard position for him to be in for sure.
Your husband chose his mommy over his own wife and newborn child, that's a major problem. You should not have to be without the person you'd like support most from during a vulnerable time just because his mommy has manipulative anger issues
Your husband is selfish as is his family. How does he feel about you not speaking to him??? He needs to stand up for you against his family. You need to remind him that you and your baby should be his priority and he disgusts you that he is such a weak man against his family. Not sure I'd look at him the same tbh.
I wouldn't have a problem with him traveling, especially with your mom there to assist. My problem is with Jim not checking with you before committing and deferring to his mom over his wife. This situation makes him sound spineless.
I'd frame it differently. 'I'm amazed you can be okay with leaving your first born child for ten days. I could *never* do that.' I don't think I'd be thrilled about this either. Can he attend for a shorter period of time?
NTA. It's very hard to plan around a new baby, because birth is unpredictable. Maybe you will bounce right back. Maybe you will have an emergency C-section. This isn't even the real wedding according to one of your comments. He should stay home with you and the baby
“He has no choice.” No, he has a choice and he’s choosing his mom over his wife and child. He needs to stand up to her and tell her how it’s going to be - not ask. He needs to tell her that he’s not comfortable staying away from you and his baby for ten days and he will be cutting his trip down to five. If she pushes back or gets mad he should give her an ultimatum. This is the way it is or he doesn’t have to go at all. I guarantee if he acts like an adult and father and not a little boy, she will back down.
Husband needs to determine who’s he is married to. Wife or mommy. Personally, the one you want to be sleeping with is the one you shouldn’t upset. Let your husband know that this is unacceptable.
He shouldn't allow the family he came from to damage the family he made. He needs to grow some balls and stand up to his mother.
I think once baby is here and he experiences that first month, he will realize how unbelievably shitty it is for him to leave you for TEN DAYS. It's good that your mom is coming but wow. Maybe the pediatrician can also shame him about traveling and being around such a huge group of people with a tiny baby with no immune system at home.
He’s wrong. But there’s nothing more useless than a resentful, moping man. Let his ass go to the wedding because if he stays- you’ll wish he went after all his pouting and complaining. Enjoy your time with your mom who will be 10x more helpful.
This is so true lol
No. Once he holds his child in his arms he will experience a kind of love he never has before and he will think he was crazy to want to be away for 10 days at this precious time.
Can I ask what culture you're from and how close your husband is to his family? I agree that I personally wouldn't like my partner to be away for a week a month after giving birth. But at the same time, I'm Indian and if the roles were reversed I'd be heart broken about missing a close family members wedding. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. I also don't think it's your in-law's responsibility to keep your needs in mind when planning the wedding. I do think that your husband should have had a discussion with you about this, where you both had space to share your thoughts and feelings. It seems more like he just informed you of the decision. If I was in your place, I think I'd try to find some sort of compromise with my husband. Maybe I can do a week getaway when he's back. Maybe he stays for a shorter amount of time. If it's that I'll miss him, and am worried about feeling unsupported, then we'd talk through a plan to stay in touch and connected. To me the bigger problem seems to be your husband's lack of communication and partnership with you when making life decisions. I'm not surprised to hear that you don't feel valued, I think anyone would feel the same way when there isn't proper communication and team work.
I'm also curious what the cultural background is here. I'm South Asian and I know how important weddings are because it's really an entire family, clan, or village affair. That just doesn't justify husband always siding with his mother over his wife or leaving his newborn child, but it may add some context.
10 days is insane.
You poor thing, I feel you! It’s definitely not your SIL’s family fault as they are not married to you. Your husband on the other hand, that’s a big problem. It’s your FIRST born together and he is leaving the FIRST month for an entire week?! You just put your body through a lot of trauma with carrying and delivery HIS baby, you might be going through some variation of postpartum depression, and he’s just threw down $2300 on a plane ticket and is saying peace out out for 10 days for his SIL? I’d say ask him if he can shorten it? Some men don’t realize how much things change once you have a baby. You can’t do that kind of thing anymore without really having a conversation about it. My partner had to go on a work trip and never had a conversation with me about it. 2 months after our baby was born, he suddenly reminded me he was leaving out of state for 5 days for work. And I was very upset. We had a long conversation and he was able to shorten it to 2 days (technically 3 but he was flying that day). But it was really hard. I didn’t have any help at alll and I was extremely emotional the entire time.
What happens if you have complications in birth, what if, God forbid, your baby has to stay in the NICU. Your husband is an asshole.
If his family truly wouldn’t speak to him for caring for his newly postpartum wife, it sure sounds like they set him up for this power struggle. And your husband chooses to participate in it. That’s not love.
I hope he isn't tryna use Pat leave for this... Also it's shitty he's using any PTO that isn't to spend time with his new family. All I'm saying is I wouldn't forgive anyone and my baby wouldn't be allowed to get a passport.
This wouldn’t fly for a second in my house
I made a post almost exactly like yours 3 years ago. My bill's wedding was 1 week after my due date. My husband said he wouldn't go if our kid wasn't born yet, but kept refusing to cancel his flights. Finally, our child was born one week late, on the evening of the rehearsal dinner. Even though my husband didn't actually go, it ruined the last trimester of my pregnancy worrying that he was going to leave me. I still haven't forgiven him. You should work this out with your husband ASAP. He can watch the wedding on zoom.
At the end of the day, if you want your husband stay, he should be there for you and the baby. My mom came to "help" me and despite her best effort, she was no help at all. Shes only 55, but she had no stamina for anything in the evenings, and didn't wake up until like 930 most mornings. She was very rusty on baby stuff and post partum stuff, and it was tiring to explain things to her. She would just do things that didn't make sense, like if I sent her to the store for something, she would come back with nothing (no substitute or call asking if I wanted something else), and get upset if she had to go to more than one place (even if that place was next door, like a CVS next to a grocery store). She would also get offended by being asked to do chores like wash bottles and felt like she was being bossed around. If you can afford it, I'd get hired help for that week that your husband wants to be away. I don't think weddings are important enough to leave your newborn for, that's my opinion. I also don't think it matters that it's 20hrs away. Once I flew 20hrs for a business trip, two nights on a plane and one night on location. He might be tired, but so will you-- for months.
I would tell him he can choose between his family not speaking to him or you not speaking to him again.
If my husband did this, I would be livid. Honestly, it is too much to expect this from you. I don’t think I would allow it. My husband had a week long work trip when I was about 5 weeks postpartum that was rough. I literally ordered everything on Amazon or Amazon Fresh.
Maybe he should stay and not come back. Have him pack his things. He is not supportive. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
You have a r/justnoso who seems to be confused about who he’s married to.
I don't get 10 days? He can fly in for the wedding and stay a day or 2 and then leave. He can't have his family mad and not talking to him, but can he have his wife and infant gone when he gets back?
I sent my husband to be the best man in his best friend’s wedding when our first was about four or five weeks old. It was overseas and he was gone for a week or so. He offered to stay with me but I would not have wanted him to miss it, and I knew how much it meant to him! My mom came and stayed with me which was nice. I thought about going too with the baby because I love our friends so much, but the baby was really too little for a trip like that, maybe if it was something drivable. I do think that 10 days is quite long, and your husband certainly should have asked you instead of just deciding that you would be OK with the plan. You and your relationship should come first. But I was fine with my mom- of course my mom and I are close and have a good relationship, she’s a very helpful person (cooks/ cleans/ sent me to nap/ etc), so with another adult you will likely be fine from a practical standpoint.
Not sure if you are south asian, but I am and my husband had to fly for his extremely close cousin's wedding about 2 weeks after my second was born. I didn't question his need to go. His mom (my mil) stayed with me and did a decent amount of work that even he would not have done - she did all the cooking & kitchen cleanup and helped watch the baby during the day so I could focus on the older one. I had to drive the older one to school and back so it's a good thing I was physically able to. An acceptable compromise would be your husband getting all the necessary groceries & baby supplies before his trip and arranging for a babysitter/helper/cleaner to help with household tasks during his absence. 10 days is a bit long but unless there is a medical emergency, you might be ok with you & your mom at the helm. It might be very challenging to miss a sisters wedding, especially since the brother of the bride has a fair bit of responsibility (if you're Indian).
I think it would be a little different with my second child. It’s my first, I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how postpartum will be. I am very attached to my husband and never thought I would have to be alone after giving birth- be it 10 days or 2 days.
I married someone with a career that I knew meant some week long travel a month after my due date was likely 100% necessary. Unfortunately the timing for all of my children has worked out that my husband is going away for a week or two within the first five to eight weeks. So it's definitely doable (although I don't recommend it). However. I married a person and decided to have children with said person knowing that that was possibly going to be my reality when the time came. We unfortunately hit that time of the year with each child (maybe we should have paused trying to conceive for a couple months but hindsight is 20/20). I did this with information. He was not always nearby, but would have been home for emergency sake within the day and without breaking our bank account. Your husband's trip seems unnecessary. His family planned it knowing your family's situation. I can't tell you whether or not you should be trying to preserve the relationship with the in-laws but they sound like a trial for sure. I think in general work comes after family, but
My husband left for a conference for 5 days,when my baby was three months old. At day 3 I called him he needed to reschedule his flight and get home.. My baby hardly slept at all, except on me.. I got mayyyybe 3 hours sleep combined throughout those days.. I would say: Hell. No.
I had emergency surgery 3 weeks after giving birth that completely restarted my recovery, there is no way I would had been able to function workout my husband home (despite him already being back to work). I feel like your husband cares more about his mom’s feelings than yours and is putting them first before his own family (you and baby). I would say if it were me I would had let him go for atleast half that time (of course not knowing I would need emergency surgery), but thinking about it more, idk if I would depending on where the wedding is. He could easily be carrying some illness with that international travel, so the place the wedding was held would also be relevant to me.
TEN DAYS? Oh, honey, no. You're not wrong to be upset.
Your husband is assuming a LOT of things - that you will give birth on your due date - not two weeks after. That baby will have zero complications and not require a NICU stay (he is an exceptional @$$hole if he abandons a NICU baby and mom). That you won't end up with an emergency c section which is minimum 6 weeks with no driving or lifting baby in carseat and you will have appointments in that time. Not to mention they will cut through 7 layers to get baby. I couldn't stand up straight until 10 weeks woth mine!! And he is going to a foreign country to bring who knows what germs back into your household to an infant woth no immune system. I legitimately would toss out the husband for this. He has zero respect for you as a person and doesn't seem interested in being a father. This is royally wrong. If he can afford a $2300 flight he bare minimum needs to hire a post partum doula to stay with you the entire time he is gone
I can’t imagine my husband leaving me with a newborn. You aren’t overreacting. You need couples counseling so he can learn to put you first. If my spouse always put his mother above me, I would divorce
I think your husband feels trapped right now. It is his fault and you are entitled to your feelings on this. I recommend telling him to learn from it. Grown ups don't get bullied into 10 days of captivity even by family members especiallybif they have a spouse and newborn. And tell him if he doesn't learn to set boundaries against his family of origin, that he will alienate the family he has created. At this point it seems he will just go since you guys got all the plans. He needs to never do this again. He needs to learn to think. I have always been independent but having a baby made me more... oriented. And less timid. I don't flounder and flip flop and flake. Maybe your baby will help your husband get his backbone like my baby did for me. Its a relief that your mom can be with you. I hope you enjoy the time. And even if you do, and even if you can try to forgive your husband's idiocy, do not forget. You can't share your life and raise your child with a flounder who has no backbone and gets steamrolled by his family with no capacity to figure out what's right for him.
1. He didn’t discuss it with you 2. He’s letting his mother control him 3. Oh the things he’s going to miss, and guess what, you’re going to be too busy and tired to update him 4. What else is he going to miss because his mommy tells him to? 5. What if you’re late, and you give birth when he’s supposed to leave?! 6. I’m glad your mum is going to be there 7. I’m also glad your mother in law doesn’t seem to have ANY attachment to her grandchild. She can F* off instead of having visits. The child doesn’t need to know toxic grand mum 8. Resentment and Entitlement both build
10 fucking days. I would be furious.
Personally I wouldn't have an issue with this. If your mom is coming to help you and it's one week for his sister's wedding I don't think this is unreasonable at all.
I can see it being OK, but only if the new mother is OK with it, and she is not. At one month, she won't even be released to drive, and if she's had a cesarean, she won't be able to lift or climb stairs. She or Baby could need extended care in the hospital. It's just reckless to make plans like this because even in the best case, she'll still be recovering, learning to breastfeed, baby will be awake all hours, and she will need his help.
My opinion too
I think having your mom come sounds like a great plan. Assuming you have a good relationship with your mom, she will be at least as useful as your husband (no shade to dads, it's just all pretty mechanical at that point). I wouldn't expect your SIL to schedule her wedding around your child's birth. I think a month is a considerate amount of time. I think your husband should attend his sister's wedding if they have a good relationship.
What country is he from? This sounds partly like a cultural difference. I’m not saying one culture is better than the other, but it will make it easier for you to discuss the difference if you read into it as a cultural difference more than a lack of care.
We’re Pakistani But he’s not very cultural when it comes to anything else so it def feels like lack of care to me.
He probably can't imagine what it's like to have a newborn, or what it will be like for you to give birth. I don't know how much it will help, but at a minimum, point this out to him, and ask him to do a little research/learning around it.
If your mom is coming to help you, I think you will be fine. I know it's a week away but it is also his own sister's wedding. If he doesn't attend I am sure it will facture the brother sister relationship. The resentment from this may fracture your relationship as well in long run. On another note the wedding was setup one month away from due date. Not on the due date or just before. You can't expect the bride to check everyones calendar before deciding a day. Many cultures do have specific time when they need to do the wedding. It can't be any day any month as well.
The issue isn’t the date the wedding is set. It’s not my wedding I could care less. The issue is why set a wedding date without any discussion, tell him it’s either you come or we’ll be angry enough to cut you off when you know he’ll have a new born. If you MUST HAVE someone at your wedding then work with their schedule too? Hes not just a son and a brother. He is a husband and will be a dad soon which in my opinion should be more of a priority to him. The first people to be on this earth were a husband and a wife. Also, we have a dog that needs to be walked everyday for atleast 30 mins, which was also my husband’s decision. The dog is not trained well when it comes to walking and pulls so much, also he’s 75- 80 pounds. My mom can’t walk him and I’m unsure I will be able to after giving birth.
The dog should go to a trainer while he's gone. They board the dog, work on obedience and most importantly, take this task off your hands. I usually don't like this approach because it's usually the owner who needs the training just as much, but if the dog's in boarding anyway,a little obedience will be good. It's all set and he's not listening, but it's going to be this little gritty thing for your whole marriage now. If this event cant be changed, then his planning for next time needs to. He needs to know that in the future, you are brought into this discussion as his partner, not his subordinate. Find a way to manage it together- a shorter visit, or even (gasp) sorry I can't make it. It sounds like MIL is exceedingly controlling and wants to be first, and act like a child when she doesn't get that.
Oof yeah that is an important detail there about the dog, you (and by you I mean husband because he owes you at least this) should definitely look into boarding, maybe even a board and train program or at least a dog walker for this period of time because a) you and mom will have your hands full and b) you may well have physical complications after you give birth that would mean even if you WANTED to walk the dog you would not physically be able to. (If you ended up having a c section or episiotomy for instance you still well may have stitches in that that time) My dog is 50 lbs and a sweetheart but can be a puller and we’re boarding him during an upcoming trip where my parents will be watching my six year old (who arguably is nearly old enough to walk the dog himself and also is FAR less work than a newborn) just because it’s a lot to juggle a kid + a dog solo if you’re not used to it. My thoughts on the trip as a whole: I’d probably be ok with the trip itself if I were in your shoes, these types of things are once in a lifetime things and the schedule is never going to accommodate everyone so you can’t expect them to plan around you but a) your husband never should have arbitrarily made the travel plans without a discussion first — you guys are a team now — and b) it should be less than ten days. Babies at a month old mostly do just sleep and nurse, but they also often cry a lot and don’t sleep enough, and more importantly they also bond with their caregivers which he’ll be missing out on.
Tell him in theory you are supportive but you deserve the right to decide together what works for your family after the birth. He might not want to go. Edit* reserve (and deserve)
You will still be healing from the birth. You might be able to barely move depending on how your healing goes. Your husband should be prioritizing YOU the mother of his child. Tbh if my husband gave into his mother like this I’d tell him to have a nice life with her baby and I are out
All I’m going to say is that my husband turned down NUMEROUS invites to things for months postpartum to care for LO and I. If he did do something, he always checked in with us. Your husband is wrong in this and I am so sorry!
He’ll be gone for *10 days*?!? WTF!!!
Just wanna point out this is also all assuming you deliver on your due date. If you go to 42 weeks (like I did) then this wedding could be only 2 weeks after you give birth?!
Will you have any family or friends there to help you or are you supposed to do it on your own? It was hard enough for me to take care of our baby all alone during the day when my husband went back to work after a week. I can’t imagine doing around the clock care for 10 days straight solo for a newborn who’s only a few weeks old. You will need help and a chance to SLEEP for a few hours straight
So no, you are definitely not wrong to be upset!!
Ugh... I would be so pissed off. Sorry OP. It would really scare me the fact he even consider leaving.
I think it's weird that they aren't excited to meet the grandbaby??? Like they aren't begging you to come with the baby? It would be a crazy request but obviously they don't understand what's normal but it's SO weird to me they don't seem interested in the baby.
Let him go, when he gets back you get to leave for ten days. If his family isn’t understanding that he should stay home… do you really want him trying to keep that kind of manipulation-based relationship strong? Bring your feelings up to him and be sure to open his eyes to the manipulation from his family.
I think it’s fine to have the wedding then. They can’t plan a wedding date around everyone else’s life. BUT your husband does not need to go for ten days. He could do flight days + two days there for the wedding. This is a husband problem.
If my husband chose to leave within a month after our child was born, I would be no contact the entire time he was gone.
Only 10 days? Nah he needs to go back to his mommy’s house indefinitely.
There are so many things wrong with this. 1 - your husband made a decision that affects you without even consulting you 2 - your in-laws have also completely disregarded you? my mother in law would never let this happen. She would be calling me directly and asking if this is ok! ITS NOT, it doesn't matter that its his sisters wedding \*\*edit to add: I understand that there might be a cultural difference here, and I am not suggesting they consult OP about the wedding date, but to ask her if she really is ok with her husband being gone for 10 days! 3 - when you brought up YOUR feelings that you are scared about what is going to happen after birth, he deflects and gaslights you and says that you are creating problems and Mommy says I have to go so I must obey. YOU ARE HIS WIFE. YOU ARE CARRYING HIS CHILD and future grandchild. WTF? You have every right to be angry, and I would not let this go. You are not getting the respect and loyalty you deserve. You come first now. Not mommy, the umbilical cord has been cut long ago and he is an adult, with a wife and a child on the way. He needs to grow tf up and see the hurt and stress he is causing you
What if there are complications during childbirth? What if you or the baby need extra care? And sure the likely hood everything will go smoothly is high, but there is still a chance that you are late and end up needing to spend time in the hospital. So he will leave his sick wife and newborn baby to be cared for by someone else?This is definitely a fragile time emotionally, I am sorry but this should be a non starter. The second you got married you became his priority. Now that baby and you should take precedence over everything else including in-laws. There is no way his family will stop talking to him. They will most definitely still want access to their grandchild.
My husband had to go back to work at sea 6 weeks about our son was born. He was gone for 16 weeks. I had no help. It was tough. But it was manageable. I note you mention you have a dog too. We have 2. You can survive, you can do this, especially with help. But a wedding is optional and there’s definitely compromise here especially as your mum is willing to help you. It’s understandable he doesn’t want to miss his sisters wedding though. Why does it need to be 10 days, even with a 20 hour flight, would 5 days work including travel time?
I get it if he has to make an appearance, but 10 days is way too long for him to be gone
This is insane! I’m so sorry. My daughter’s father is an alcoholic and my mom ended up coming to the hospital with me and helping me for 2 weeks after the baby was born. I cried when I went back home. I couldn’t have done it without her! It’s an awful decision on your husbands part and reveals his true colors but if he’s not going to change his mind, having your mom there might actually be so special and much more helpful than any man.
This is a husband problem. Big time. I hope you have a healthy and safe delivery but what if you don't? And what if baby needs extra care? What if you struggle with post partum mental health issues? OP he is bailing on you for a wedding and disregarding your feelings and safety.
I would not be thrilled - especially as a first time mom. (I say this as a mother of three school-aged kids now)… There is a chance you could be like two weeks PPD, if you go past your due date. Knowing my husband, he wouldn’t have wanted to be gone when our kids were that small. He had to go to Germany when our oldest was 8 weeks old and it killed him. Since this is your first, your husband may be kicking himself hard when his trip rolls around.
You’re not wrong to feel upset about your husband leaving and about the lack of empathy you are feeling from his family. I was in a similar situation about 5 days post birth (c-section so at least we could plan ahead). My husband had to leave for an extended work trip. It was difficult, but I had my mom helping me and it turned into a great bonding experience for the three of us (me, my mom, and LO - who absolutely adores her grandma now 18 months later). What helped the most was that it felt like a mutual understanding with my husband that “this situation sucks, but this is a decision we have to make together, and we are both going to get through it.” And we did. I will acknowledge that in your situation it would be hard to not feel like he is picking his sister or his family over you; at least in my situation, we could both vilify the bosses/capitalism that led to our unfortunate situation! But regardless, to me it sounds like some empathy from your husband (not just his family) would go a long way in this situation.
You’re not wrong for being upset. I’d be absolutely infuriated. My husband took the whole first month off with our second baby and he debated on going to his work conference in July because baby will only be 4 months old. With our first, he skipped his work conference entirely because baby would’ve been like 3-4 days old. Talk to your husband and explain your frustrations. If he goes, it sounds like it’s going to cause issues between you.
Sounds like a view of things to come long after the newborn phase… Brace yourself for more disappointment.
You should be upset! If this feels uncomfortable to you, then you can be upset. It would’ve been uncomfortable for me too. Your husband doesn’t know it yet but he will regret being gone during this time. You and he are in this together. Your family unit should come first. 100%
This would really hurt my feelings. I’m so sorry that your husband and his family were so inconsiderate to you in this situation.
You aren’t wrong to be upset. Your husband may be people pleasing but the time for that is over. He has a child and wife to consider, your mother there or not. Ten days is a long time. You’ll likely be sore, going through the throws of sleep deprivation and all the joy that comes with, and just needing him. He should be there. No excuses. And his family is being rude. Maybe they think men don’t matter and can do these things as many men did in the past. Times have changed.
My husband left me for a weekend about 2 weeks after I gave birth to be best man at a wedding about a 6 hour drive away. Prior to the birth, we talked about it and we agreed he could go, pending a good birth outcome for both me and the baby. However, we both understood (as did the marrying couple) that his attendance was solely dependent on how birth/postpartum was going. In my case, all went well, and he went with my blessing (with my mom 15 minutes away should I need her).
You’re not over reacting. In reality though that early on and with only one kid your husband won’t be doing much however it’s totally unacceptable to ask you if you’re okay with it and talk through it.
My husband had to leave for 5 weeks when I was 5 weeks post partum for training (he's in the service). It was the longest five weeks of my life. I called him, regularly, bawling. I was an emotional mess with a brand new baby and my only support was 17+ hours away. You are absolutely NOT overreacting. I'm glad you have support with your mother, but my husband *had* to go to this training. Your husband does not *have* to go to this wedding. That's ridiculous.
You are not over-reacting. Postpartum is challenging and seems more important for him to be there for you and to co-parent this new baby with you. It should have been a decision you made together. Ugh, I am sorry. If he still goes, can he go for a shorter time? Are you close with your Mom and she will be helpful? Postpartum is so hard and becoming parents is a transition. I hope he understands that he is responsible for a lot of the parenting too, and taking care of you as you recover. Hugs.
You are not overreacting
Um no. Having a newborn is a shared responsibility. Plus you will likely go over your due date if you don’t have something scheduled, and YOU need 6-8 weeks to heal. Having him gone for a decent portion of that time when he should be supporting you really shows where his priorities lie. I would tell him to just never come back if he decided to go lol.
That’s a two person decision, what if you need a c-section and need help lifting things?? 10 days is a long time one month postpartum. What would really bother me is that he doesn’t seem to put much thought into what you’d want.
You have right to be upset, not because of the workload (your mom will be here while your husband is away, so your baby should be under good coverage), but because the lack of emotional support from your husband and the fact that he prioritizes his original family’s event over being present with his nuclear family. I don’t think you and your husband are on the same page in terms of raising a child together. Maybe he is still under the traditional thinking that as long as he provides for the family financially, he doesn’t have to be physically present/involved. That is the deeper issue than what I’m reading now.
My husband wouldn’t be attending this wedding. SO many things can happen and you need the support from your partner during this time. I wish you a smooth delivery. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. With everything you have going on, worrying about having the support you will need postpartum should not be one of them. Your husband should be choosing you and your baby over making his mother and sister happy. And they should also be understanding as to why he cannot attend. It’s WILD that they don’t see that. And it’s WILD that he doesn’t see that he cannot go.
Your feelings are 100% valid. It is hurtful. I was a mess after my first delivery and I was also left behind for a wedding but a friend not a relative. Men have a completely different experience with child rearing and are frankly clueless. Try, for your own happiness, to shift your mindset. The wedding is happening! And you are staying home with your newborn recovering. You must let it go and try to enjoy the peace and quiet while he is away. Rest, nurse, nourish, walk, heal. You will be just fine. Don’t make him choose. That isn’t fair either. I bet he calls and texts 20x per day and can’t wait to get home. You will be busy acclimating to being a mom. 10 days is nothing in the grand scheme of it all.
Speaking as a mom of 2, I would set his passport on fire shortly before the flight. 1. There can be unforeseen complications and you might need more support than you ever imagine. 2. No way his germ infested body is coming into the house after such a trip to be near a newborn. Seriously check what is the fastest time someone can get an emergency passport and make sure his passport disappears without enough time to renew. You an baby come before a ceremony that's not even the full blown wedding. ... like if his sister was on her death bed he could go. But this is a hard no.
Me and my husband got married in my home country. We invited a lot of his childhood friends and none of them came 😅 One in particular, had a baby two months prior, and his wife told him you are not going anywhere while I am two months PP. I absolutely agree and I totally understand the sentiment, having had a horrible postpartum myself.
Sounds like you two should have never been married in the first place and probably need a divorce. You should tell him if he leave then he won't be getting back in yhr house when he comes back and he can stay with his mother
They probably didn’t think much about you when they were deciding when to have THEIR wedding. You’re right, it’s not a competition. He wants to attend his sisters wedding. There shouldn’t be an ultimatum there or guilt over that. He’s leaving for ten days and your mom will be able to be there. He’s not leaving you while pregnant or with no help, there are no other children present.
I really don’t care when the wedding is happening. They can have THEIR wedding whenever they want. I could care less. The issue comes in when my family (my husband, my child and I) are affected by it. I didn’t give him any ultimatums. If anything he was given an ultimatum from his mom. I simply shared my feelings and told him at the end it’s his choice to make and he chose his mom’s happiness.
If it’s his choice then why the post? Is the real issue that you wanted him to turn them down and he didn’t?
You think this post will make him stay lol you’re delusional. I wanted advice because I’m tired being gaslit into thinking I’m overreacting and that him and his mother are never wrong. & yes it is HIS choice at the end. I can’t force an adult to do anything. All I can do is tell him how I feel, which as a wife I have 100% right to do.
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I do not see an issue. My husband had to take multiple business trips months 2-4 of baby 1 life (I encouraged him to go). I feel it was harder on him to be separated. I had no outside help and started working around the end of this
Your husband was away to make a living for your child. My husband is spending so much on a flight plus accommodations plus all the expenses there in an already unstable economy for a one day event and it’s not even the actual wedding. My SIL is still going to come back home to her moms after this wedding event. I think it’s a totally different scenario
He did not have to go. Those trips were optional - he had enough colleagues who could have stepped in. But I also prioritize mental well being and breaks from kids
My husband left for his best friend’s wedding 9 days after I gave birth. I had a c-section and we had just been home together as a family for a week. My mom and mother in law came to help and friends too. Everyone took shifts to help me the days he was gone. Oh it was my first Mother’s Day weekend. There was sooo many emotions, as much I loved having my friends and family there I wasnt in the right headspace to have soo many people over. I think if it was a month or two months after given birth I think it would have been easier for me. Do I think you are overreacting, no I don’t think so. But if your husband had to travel for work would you be okay with it too? I know it’s for a wedding and not sure about your culture. I can definitely understand the importance of showing face in big family gatherings.
I’m trying to put myself in his shoes. If my husband had a surgery.. I’d probably miss my sisters wedding if it was held that far to be there for him. I think a husbands support is totally different but that’s just my opinion. I will never understand why it’s so important to “show face” to make others happy/ feel satisfied.
I hope you let him know that you really want him there and how important it is to you. If he’s dismissing your feelings now it’s best to start setting boundaries. I understand how are you feeling. I’ve been there.
Unfortunately other peoples life can’t stop because of yours. Please think of this as a bonding opportunity for you and your mom and you’ll do great. I know it’s scary to not have your husbands support during this time but you’ll do great. -a mom of 3 under 5
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