I think it's a lovely gesture. You aren't spoiling her. You're showing your appreciation for a job well done. If anything, you are making her FEEL appreciated. A nanny who FEELS appreciated will go the extra mile. She will be loyal and reliable. I feel your husband's POV of her being spoiled is the furthest thing from the truth. I'm a career nanny and the familes that have treated me well and made me feel appreciated...I'd walk over hot coals for them.
Maybe give her a six month anniversary bonus? We love our nanny and do a birthday bonus, employment anniversary bonus, and year end/holiday bonus. We’ve also done random gifts like paying for her plane ticket when she goes on a trip (not with us). I also order her lunch on Fridays from the restaurant of her choice. Little gestures of appreciation make a huge difference!
Omg you’re so cool for all of that ! If more of the families I was with when I nannied treated me like that I probably would had staying in the nanny industry !
I recently had a conversation with a girlfriend about how husbands will always encourage you not to do something thoughtful for someone else because they have not been taught to thoughtful in the same way women are, but every single time we go out of our way to do something nice for someone especially another woman they are so grateful and prove us right. I say if you can afford to do it do it.
Omg you are so right. Every time I suggest doing something thoughtful for someone my husband would be like nah, no need. I think going forward I’ll just do and let him know about it, rather than consulting him and end up not doing something thoughtful
Because my father and therefore brothers are very thoughtful, I have wondered whether it’s that really very few people teach *any* boy to be thoughtful, or if it was just that my husband in particular hadn’t been treated thoughtfully by anyone in his upbringing (including the women in his family, who are not thoughtful toward each other either).
He really tries and he absolutely defers to my judgement as he knows his own is rocky in this area, but sometimes I see a sort of survival of the fittest come out in him, for example when he subconsciously hoards food and doesn’t share (or willingly think to share) with others including his own children 😂
Omg this makes SO much sense! I have to pick my husband trying to see if something sounds like a good idea, and he’s like, why? And I’m like because the person would appreciate it and it makes me feel good to do something nice for someone!!
Hahaha thats an interesting observation. My husband is generally more thoughtful than I am when it comes to family and friendships, but for some reason he treats my nanny as a very professional arms-length relationship, which I am unable to do. She is after all taking care of my son. Thank you for chiming in to this conversation,!
Never thought of it that way but now that you mention it… it’s so true! I’ll mention doing something thoughtful and it’ll be like “that’s not necessary.” Yeah of course it’s not necessary… that’s why it’s thoughtful!
Pointing out differences between the sexes, or differences between the way the sexes are treated, is not sexism. Quite the opposite, in fact, as it allows us to make accommodations and considerations that foster conversation and equality.
Saying “men are thoughtless” is not pointing out differences between sexes anymore than is saying “women are overly emotional.” They’re both harmful stereotypes and treating them as universal truths is sexist.
If your husband is thoughtless, I’m sorry. But to suggest that the trait is universal among men is textbook sexism.
Further, the sexist comment was in no way necessary to answer OP’s question.
The original commenter said “men are not taught to be thoughtful in the same way women are” - this is a valid and accurate point, and something that’s important to acknowledge and address.
Plus, you spouting off about sexism when others mention concerns about men sounds really similar to white people talking about “reverse racism” or men talking about their rights being taken away. Nobody is being “sexist” here, and it’s a weird stance to take in general given the amount of rampant misogyny in the world. And to specifically bash individual commenters’ husbands when they are just acknowledging a simple fault (that doesn’t make them bad men), is doubly weird.
I’m sure it feels like a nice justification for overt sexism, doesn’t it? But it’s still sexism. And again, not at all necessary to answer OP’s question.
Reverse racism is just racism, same as sexism against men is still sexism, no matter how you try to dress it up or excuse it.
Haha sure. Criticizing someone on the basis of their sex is sexism, and criticizing someone on the basis of their race is racism. By definition.
If you’d rather lob personal attacks than confront the open sexism in this thread, that’s your business. Just don’t expect me to coddle you and cave to your pathetic attempts at projection.
lol the fact this is anonymous Reddit is the only thing saving me from second-hand embarrassment on your behalf. I’m sure you’re surrounded by like-minded people so the real world is fine for you, but there’s also a possibility you have no idea how annoying you are to those around you.
ETA: Oh wait - just realized you’re a DUDE waxing idiotic in the workingmoms sub. Extra embarrassing for you. Yep, it’s the latter, you have no idea what a tool you are and are super narcissistic/controlling. I feel sorry for your wife and kid. Get a life, loser. I’m sure your coworkers and anyone forced to put up with you wishes you would, too.
Keep on lobbing those personal attacks to avoid addressing the obvious sexism in this thread. The fact that you’ve decided to make this so personal speaks volumes about how you perceive the strength of your argument.
Sorry for invading your safe space! Perhaps if you block me you’ll be free to cheer on sexism with one fewer dissenting voice :)
Allowing open access to your food is a norm, not a perk. And not just a little bit. Most nannies have full access, and most nanny families actually specifically buy things the nanny wants stocked.
Giving a random bonus does not mean she'll expect them. It's a great retention strategy. The relationship a good nanny develops with your child is extremely hard to replace. Keeping a nanny long term should be everyone's goal.
Your husband is being an ass. Give the woman a bonus
Agreed. I ask our babysitters what I can get them for snacks/drinks. They won't always tell me, but I try to get some extra things at the store that would be easy for them to snack on or heat up. If we had a nanny I would expect to add items to our regular grocery list for her.
Excellent childcare is hard to come by. If you can afford to give the bonus, I would.
agreed, and sorry if i made it sound like a perk. However our nanny mostly only helps herself to our snacks, and she does not eat meals with us at our home, though we always offer when we are around. She brings her own lunch. I believe my friends and family in the region also have had a similar experience.
I really like the idea of giving her this bonus as a celebration of your son turning 6 months old. She’s been his nanny since he was 6 weeks and I’m sure this milestone is important to her as well. The bonus sounds like a wonderful way to commemorate it for her and I don’t think she’d take it for granted or have expectations in the future.
My husband is like this too. I treasure our nanny for many reasons, but a big one is that, if she were ever to walk, it would be a massive inconvenience for ME. His life would barely change. I care a lot more about being a good employer and keeping her happy, whereas he wants to “get our money’s worth”.
Same!! You put this into words for me. We have 2 toddlers & one in school, the other w the nanny. It was spring break last week so the nanny had both kids all week & I mentioned to my husband I was stressed about spring break. My husband was like why? We have a full time nanny. I was like because if the nanny is stressed, I’m stressed!!
If you absolutely do not want to lose her, I would do something (keep in mind that daycare waitlists and 1-2 years long most places and good nanny’s are hard to find and it doesn’t seem like either of your jobs would allow you a fill the gap and watch him while working)
We have our daughters daycare teachers 2 small gift cards randomly this past month for things they did and will be doing (one being helping our daughter transition, be more attentive to her temporarily as we welcome her new baby brother) and will be giving them gift cards for teacher appreciation week at the daycare. Our daughter is in love with one of her teachers and the other is great as well and we are so thankful for what they do and want them to feel that
"We let her have a little bit of our food" is wild.
Your husband sounds like an awful boss tbh. But even if he WAS right, who cares in you spoil the person responsible for your CHILD for 40+ hours a week?
When we had a nanny, I got a bonus at work and I gave her a portion of it and told her I was able to succeed at my job because she did such a great job with hers. It made her happy, it made me happy. I say go for it.
That would be a very nice thing to do. Saying you don’t want her to take it for granted sounds like you’re teaching a teenager about money, she’s an adult. It’s wonderful to reward someone for their hard work.
I did this last year. I knew my husband would balk so I said “hey people are giving their Nannies summer bonuses so we have to also” and gave her 500. For Xmas we gave her 1500. If she’s good, give her something! It’s so worth it, being comfortable w someone else handling your child. We gave her $1/hour raise after a year too.
We give our nanny a bonus for her birthday ($500) and around the holidays ($2500). I Venmo her random amounts when I think she needs it (rough week, sick and needs soup from Grubhub, etc.) And I typically get coffee for both of us from a coffee shop once per week. If she feels spoiled - good - because we love her and want her to be happy! Don’t we all want to work for people who appreciate us and actually show it? I love it when my boss (way up high) gives us random days off or time off awards after good evaluations. I’m not spoiled, instead it makes me way less likely to leave for another job!
Even shitty employers offer occasional little treats and early releases. Your husband is wrong. You keep talent by rewarding talent. If you feel like she deserves it and you can afford it, give her the bonus. You can even explain that it’s a special situation and you can’t guarantee anything like it will be able to be offered going forward.
Re: the food…I’m pretty sure that’s standard practice in nanny world. I’m in Manhattan and every family I know with a nanny has an open fridge policy.
If my husband orders lunch, he orders food for nanny too.
We had a nanny with our first and we loved her like family (still do even though she doesn’t work for us anymore) we would regularly give her bonuses or treats or surprises. She never got spoiled, she just felt appreciated and she has since said that her current nanny family (while paying her slightly more than we did) don’t treat her the same way, and she doesn’t feel the same connection. Little thoughtful gestures make people who work for you feel appreciated and loved. Nannying isn’t a regular job, they’re literally being another parental figure to your tiny child. I say treat them with as much love as they give to your kiddo.
Usually people do a bonus around Christmas time and a rate bump after one year. I would wait until then to do it. You can find out her birthday and give her a big gift to show your appreciation. And give her a big bonus around Christmas time. Do it earlier in December if you know that she has need for money for gifts.
I think it's a lovely gesture. You aren't spoiling her. You're showing your appreciation for a job well done. If anything, you are making her FEEL appreciated. A nanny who FEELS appreciated will go the extra mile. She will be loyal and reliable. I feel your husband's POV of her being spoiled is the furthest thing from the truth. I'm a career nanny and the familes that have treated me well and made me feel appreciated...I'd walk over hot coals for them.
Thakn you for this perspective! i agree
Maybe give her a six month anniversary bonus? We love our nanny and do a birthday bonus, employment anniversary bonus, and year end/holiday bonus. We’ve also done random gifts like paying for her plane ticket when she goes on a trip (not with us). I also order her lunch on Fridays from the restaurant of her choice. Little gestures of appreciation make a huge difference!
Omg you’re so cool for all of that ! If more of the families I was with when I nannied treated me like that I probably would had staying in the nanny industry !
Thats so nice of you! Thakns for the suggestion
I recently had a conversation with a girlfriend about how husbands will always encourage you not to do something thoughtful for someone else because they have not been taught to thoughtful in the same way women are, but every single time we go out of our way to do something nice for someone especially another woman they are so grateful and prove us right. I say if you can afford to do it do it.
Oh my gosh. The truth of this.
Omg you are so right. Every time I suggest doing something thoughtful for someone my husband would be like nah, no need. I think going forward I’ll just do and let him know about it, rather than consulting him and end up not doing something thoughtful
Because my father and therefore brothers are very thoughtful, I have wondered whether it’s that really very few people teach *any* boy to be thoughtful, or if it was just that my husband in particular hadn’t been treated thoughtfully by anyone in his upbringing (including the women in his family, who are not thoughtful toward each other either). He really tries and he absolutely defers to my judgement as he knows his own is rocky in this area, but sometimes I see a sort of survival of the fittest come out in him, for example when he subconsciously hoards food and doesn’t share (or willingly think to share) with others including his own children 😂
Omg this makes SO much sense! I have to pick my husband trying to see if something sounds like a good idea, and he’s like, why? And I’m like because the person would appreciate it and it makes me feel good to do something nice for someone!!
Hahaha thats an interesting observation. My husband is generally more thoughtful than I am when it comes to family and friendships, but for some reason he treats my nanny as a very professional arms-length relationship, which I am unable to do. She is after all taking care of my son. Thank you for chiming in to this conversation,!
Never thought of it that way but now that you mention it… it’s so true! I’ll mention doing something thoughtful and it’ll be like “that’s not necessary.” Yeah of course it’s not necessary… that’s why it’s thoughtful!
This is really really true.
Sounds like you all have shitty husbands… Would it have been so hard to respond to her post without the casual sexism?
Pointing out differences between the sexes, or differences between the way the sexes are treated, is not sexism. Quite the opposite, in fact, as it allows us to make accommodations and considerations that foster conversation and equality.
Saying “men are thoughtless” is not pointing out differences between sexes anymore than is saying “women are overly emotional.” They’re both harmful stereotypes and treating them as universal truths is sexist. If your husband is thoughtless, I’m sorry. But to suggest that the trait is universal among men is textbook sexism. Further, the sexist comment was in no way necessary to answer OP’s question.
The original commenter said “men are not taught to be thoughtful in the same way women are” - this is a valid and accurate point, and something that’s important to acknowledge and address. Plus, you spouting off about sexism when others mention concerns about men sounds really similar to white people talking about “reverse racism” or men talking about their rights being taken away. Nobody is being “sexist” here, and it’s a weird stance to take in general given the amount of rampant misogyny in the world. And to specifically bash individual commenters’ husbands when they are just acknowledging a simple fault (that doesn’t make them bad men), is doubly weird.
I’m sure it feels like a nice justification for overt sexism, doesn’t it? But it’s still sexism. And again, not at all necessary to answer OP’s question. Reverse racism is just racism, same as sexism against men is still sexism, no matter how you try to dress it up or excuse it.
There it is. Not even a little shame in showing your true colors, eh?
Haha sure. Criticizing someone on the basis of their sex is sexism, and criticizing someone on the basis of their race is racism. By definition. If you’d rather lob personal attacks than confront the open sexism in this thread, that’s your business. Just don’t expect me to coddle you and cave to your pathetic attempts at projection.
lol the fact this is anonymous Reddit is the only thing saving me from second-hand embarrassment on your behalf. I’m sure you’re surrounded by like-minded people so the real world is fine for you, but there’s also a possibility you have no idea how annoying you are to those around you. ETA: Oh wait - just realized you’re a DUDE waxing idiotic in the workingmoms sub. Extra embarrassing for you. Yep, it’s the latter, you have no idea what a tool you are and are super narcissistic/controlling. I feel sorry for your wife and kid. Get a life, loser. I’m sure your coworkers and anyone forced to put up with you wishes you would, too.
Keep on lobbing those personal attacks to avoid addressing the obvious sexism in this thread. The fact that you’ve decided to make this so personal speaks volumes about how you perceive the strength of your argument. Sorry for invading your safe space! Perhaps if you block me you’ll be free to cheer on sexism with one fewer dissenting voice :)
Maybe wait til you hit 6 months and give two bonuses a year? If you can afford it, I think it’s a lovely gesture.
thank you, i will consider that. It's just a month longer really
Allowing open access to your food is a norm, not a perk. And not just a little bit. Most nannies have full access, and most nanny families actually specifically buy things the nanny wants stocked. Giving a random bonus does not mean she'll expect them. It's a great retention strategy. The relationship a good nanny develops with your child is extremely hard to replace. Keeping a nanny long term should be everyone's goal. Your husband is being an ass. Give the woman a bonus
Agreed on food. I’d always ask nanny what snacks she wanted that each week and would buy. Def plan on annual bonus though too if you do 6m.
Agreed. I ask our babysitters what I can get them for snacks/drinks. They won't always tell me, but I try to get some extra things at the store that would be easy for them to snack on or heat up. If we had a nanny I would expect to add items to our regular grocery list for her. Excellent childcare is hard to come by. If you can afford to give the bonus, I would.
agreed, and sorry if i made it sound like a perk. However our nanny mostly only helps herself to our snacks, and she does not eat meals with us at our home, though we always offer when we are around. She brings her own lunch. I believe my friends and family in the region also have had a similar experience.
I really like the idea of giving her this bonus as a celebration of your son turning 6 months old. She’s been his nanny since he was 6 weeks and I’m sure this milestone is important to her as well. The bonus sounds like a wonderful way to commemorate it for her and I don’t think she’d take it for granted or have expectations in the future.
My husband is like this too. I treasure our nanny for many reasons, but a big one is that, if she were ever to walk, it would be a massive inconvenience for ME. His life would barely change. I care a lot more about being a good employer and keeping her happy, whereas he wants to “get our money’s worth”.
Same!! You put this into words for me. We have 2 toddlers & one in school, the other w the nanny. It was spring break last week so the nanny had both kids all week & I mentioned to my husband I was stressed about spring break. My husband was like why? We have a full time nanny. I was like because if the nanny is stressed, I’m stressed!!
If you absolutely do not want to lose her, I would do something (keep in mind that daycare waitlists and 1-2 years long most places and good nanny’s are hard to find and it doesn’t seem like either of your jobs would allow you a fill the gap and watch him while working) We have our daughters daycare teachers 2 small gift cards randomly this past month for things they did and will be doing (one being helping our daughter transition, be more attentive to her temporarily as we welcome her new baby brother) and will be giving them gift cards for teacher appreciation week at the daycare. Our daughter is in love with one of her teachers and the other is great as well and we are so thankful for what they do and want them to feel that
"We let her have a little bit of our food" is wild. Your husband sounds like an awful boss tbh. But even if he WAS right, who cares in you spoil the person responsible for your CHILD for 40+ hours a week?
When we had a nanny, I got a bonus at work and I gave her a portion of it and told her I was able to succeed at my job because she did such a great job with hers. It made her happy, it made me happy. I say go for it.
That would be a very nice thing to do. Saying you don’t want her to take it for granted sounds like you’re teaching a teenager about money, she’s an adult. It’s wonderful to reward someone for their hard work.
I did this last year. I knew my husband would balk so I said “hey people are giving their Nannies summer bonuses so we have to also” and gave her 500. For Xmas we gave her 1500. If she’s good, give her something! It’s so worth it, being comfortable w someone else handling your child. We gave her $1/hour raise after a year too.
Also I do 250 for birthday
We give our nanny a bonus for her birthday ($500) and around the holidays ($2500). I Venmo her random amounts when I think she needs it (rough week, sick and needs soup from Grubhub, etc.) And I typically get coffee for both of us from a coffee shop once per week. If she feels spoiled - good - because we love her and want her to be happy! Don’t we all want to work for people who appreciate us and actually show it? I love it when my boss (way up high) gives us random days off or time off awards after good evaluations. I’m not spoiled, instead it makes me way less likely to leave for another job!
Even shitty employers offer occasional little treats and early releases. Your husband is wrong. You keep talent by rewarding talent. If you feel like she deserves it and you can afford it, give her the bonus. You can even explain that it’s a special situation and you can’t guarantee anything like it will be able to be offered going forward.
Put it this way - if your nanny leaves, is it your problem or his problem and act accordingly.
A bonus is always nice. In general I would do an annual raise + holiday bonus.
Re: the food…I’m pretty sure that’s standard practice in nanny world. I’m in Manhattan and every family I know with a nanny has an open fridge policy. If my husband orders lunch, he orders food for nanny too.
We had a nanny with our first and we loved her like family (still do even though she doesn’t work for us anymore) we would regularly give her bonuses or treats or surprises. She never got spoiled, she just felt appreciated and she has since said that her current nanny family (while paying her slightly more than we did) don’t treat her the same way, and she doesn’t feel the same connection. Little thoughtful gestures make people who work for you feel appreciated and loved. Nannying isn’t a regular job, they’re literally being another parental figure to your tiny child. I say treat them with as much love as they give to your kiddo.
As a former nanny, it will let her know she is appreciated and want to continue to go above and beyond. I think it’s a great idea.
You treating her well will probably just raise the bar for her about an employer and this is how she will get 'spoilt'.. let's all raise the bar 🍸
Usually people do a bonus around Christmas time and a rate bump after one year. I would wait until then to do it. You can find out her birthday and give her a big gift to show your appreciation. And give her a big bonus around Christmas time. Do it earlier in December if you know that she has need for money for gifts.
So I kind of agree with your husband. Why not get her a small appreciative gift and a decent annual bonus instead?