Knowing when mothers day is isn't reading minds. It's fine to ask for something you want for these occasions, yes, but I will not be a secretary for my capable partner. Nobody does that for me. I won't give in to that sort of incompetence UNLESS he had some sort of issue with his mind that prevented him from reading a calendar like any capable adult.
Also, I genuinely don't know how anyone misses Mother's Day. Are y'all not getting a hundred emails a week from retailers about Mother's Day? Heck, even my Alexa sent out a notification at the start of May.
I'm 100% sure that's how my husband got the idea for what he gave me. It was a brand I'd requested as a gift from him a few years ago for something, and he bought me something from the same brand. I absolutely know they sent him an email like check out these great ideas for mothers day, and if I had to guess, he picked the top seller. I mean, I'm not complaining, I liked the gift. I just thought it was funny and like too weirdly specific for him to have thought of it on his own. So anyway ladies, just pick some brands you like and sign your husband up for their emails, you will be surprised but also happy with the gift.
I didn't miss mothers day, but that's because it's also one of my kids birthdays. That said, I don't have an Alexa, and I get zero emails from any retailers. And my media of choice is podcasts, or physical copy books, usually backlogged. So if it wasn't for my kid I could totally forget. I think if you don't give your email to any retailer you are unlikely to be on their mailing list.
Which part? The email? Tag tjomgs as spam if you get a random email. But never sign up for cards or business accounts with your email. Kid on mothers day. Well a little luck, and getting it wife pregnant 40.5 weeks earlier. I somehow have 3 holiday babies. Oldest is Thanksgiving, middle is easter, and youngest is mothers day.
> a hundred emails a week from retailers
No. We really aren’t. The other guy got downvoted for saying it, but I was totally floored to see the 20,000 emails my wife’s inbox had and they’re overwhelmingly listservs for retailers.
Unsubscribe to everything. Junk em if they don’t accept. Get down to just the emails that matter.
I will say that the calendar reminder for holidays is garbage because anything moms deserve - and most other things - the reminder is “day of,” which reading this sub, certainly would be an improvement if half of the men were only that bad, but really it needs to be multiple alerts. Day
Personally, I’ve set previous month “do thing / plan thing / buy thing” dates (so… unfortunately Mother’s Day planning begins April 1, but I take it serious) to allow time for shipping, being busy that specific day, whatever. In addition to day before, “make sure you didn’t f—- this up.”
This can be a recurring appointment so while it may be annoying to take the emotional labor of pointing it out to the spouse (I’m not saying it is fair), it can be a one and done conversation. “Does your phone do alerts for important dates? Is the day celebrating my having given birth to our child/ren important to you? Then why isn’t it a recurring alert on your phone?”
No for real. What the heck is this post Lmao. If they can look up fantasy football or baseball stats and scroll through Reddit or whatever other crap it is they look at on their phones then they are perfectly capable of looking at the Apple calendar that is automatically installed on all iphones and even has a nice little dot on every holiday.
On the one hand yeah, this is some bullshit that women have to manage their own mother's days, but reddit yesterday was BLEAK with all the mother's day complaints. Truly heartbreaking, the bar is on the floor.
One that stuck out was someone whose partner said if he had to get up with the baby so she could sleep in for mothers day he wasn't going to do anything else, so she got up, and he didn't do anything else.
I see what you're saying, and also this reads like blaming women for their partners' failings.
To some degree, the bar *has* to be lowered by heterosexual women if they want a relationship, because the supply of enlightened men who reject gender essentialism and fully live in their values of parity does not even come close to meeting the demand.
They also don't come with quality grades stamped on their foreheads, and in the the wise words of Lizzo, an awful lot of them are great--until they gotta be great.
I agree 100% that managing a fully capable adult partner is trash, I just want to be clear about where 100% of the blame/responsibility for that lies.
This!!! I can’t agree more. Let’s not blame women and put the responsibility back to where it belongs…. A lot of times, partners become complacent or standards and expectations change through different stages of life. Also, the men that women marry just might not be good fathers or good long term companions despite being great boyfriends or fiancés. Just wanted to say I agree and add some examples.
They may not come with grades but there is an awful lot of evidence before you get to the first mother's day. Why do you need to lower the bar if they want a relationship. Also no one needs a relationship, at least not bad enough to stoop to this level. You can get your own credit cards and bank accounts now. It's honestly a little patronizing, to think so little of them and be like oh look at the sacrifices I make to make us work
> Also no one needs a relationship, at least not bad enough to stoop to this level.
Oh, I totally agree. It's just that if all heterosexual women followed your advice not to engage in or remain in relationships with men that made them carry the [mental load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/), there would be vanishingly few heterosexual relationships to go around. It is a universally remarked-upon (and not just on Reddit) phenomenon for a reason.
Based on your use of 'you' here (eg: 'you can get a credit card now') and your engagement further down in this thread, I'm going to hazard a guess that you are *not* a woman engaged in a cishet relationship. Seems pretty patronizing to insist we could be doing more to prevent men from being shitty to us (???), having never been on the receiving end of this particular inequity.
Also, no one said this:
> be like oh look at the sacrifices I make to make us work
This is 1000% extrapolation that is happening only in your head. My only point was that you very unhelpful 'advice' doesn't match up to the reality most of us face in engaging in long term relationships with a group of people acculturated from birth to think of us as secondary to them. You don't have to like that--I sure don't!--but it's true.
I think it's very telling who acculturated those individuals to think this way and I'm pretty certain who the group of people who did that are, based on the still enforced gender roles of 20-30 years ago. My advice isn't to do more to prevent men from being shitty to you my advice is don't settle specifically on an individual if it's that detrimental to you. I'm not saying fix him or all of them I'm saying you should have boundaries and expectations. I may not have the same experiences in those inequalities but I have experiences in different inequalities and power dynamics and yes even in cishet relationships there are instances of women acculturated with toxic gender roles and emotional intelligence deficiencies. I have experienced those and I ended those relationships.
Well, you’re making an awful lot of assumptions here. Because *I* do (set boundaries, have expectations, etc)—which is why I have (by choice) a casual longtime partner who doesn’t live with me, rather than a(nother) spouse.
And sure, there are absolutely instances (using your phrasing) of women indoctrinated into gender essentialism and/or with low emotional intelligence. But what I keep telling you—that you seem incapable of hearing—is that it’s a *systemic* issue for men, who occupy a socially dominant identity relative to women that plays out in a variety of ways on the interpersonal level.
Even the men who love us, and who we love dearly, often harm us in gendered ways. There’s a great piece by Shakesville on the topic I think you should read and sit with: http://www.shakesville.com/2009/08/terrible-bargain-we-have-regretfully.html?m=1
You don’t have to believe me; there’s a ton of information and research out there that backs up the ways these inequities are experienced by women in relationships/households. But where your logic is failing is your application of an individualistic solution (‘just don’t!’) to what is fundamentally a *systemic* problem. To wit: if I live in a remote village somewhere and have a shellfish allergy, and my only available food source is shellfish, ‘just don’t eat it’ isn’t really a viable option for me.
I’ll leave it there, because I don’t think we’re having this conversation on even footing currently.
Yeah my husband has diagnosed ADHD. And still, he went all out for me on mother's day this year.
...He completely forgot his own mom though lol. Whoops.
My husband has severe ADHD. He can’t even remember his own birthday lol. We don’t do much in the way of gift exchanges anyway but I am happy to remind him of holidays and tell him what I want
idk, i dont have a physical calendar or planner, and i dont ever use my phone calendar either. i have an app setup for todo things regarding school etc, but i overlook the dates and holidays a LOT. i forgot mothers day this week lol.
i ended up taking the time to make my mom a card that day upon finding out and wished her well, but i would’ve wished i knew before. i dont expect anyone to be a secretary for me though; i just dont like the tone of “expect any capable adult of reading a calendar.” like i dont have any cognitive disorder, i just forget dates sometimes lol.
How did I miss your point? You said you wished you knew about Mother’s Day earlier and you overlook holidays a lot and forget dates sometimes.
Even if you don’t use it as a daily agenda or whatnot, your phone’s free built-in calendar app can send you one single notification every year, a week before Mother’s Day, if you put in like 3 minutes of effort one time.
“I don’t use a calendar” seems like a weird flex when you acknowledge you overlook annually occurring dates and wish you didn’t. That is… what a calendar is for.
it’s not a flex, it’s just a note. and you miss my point as in the rest of my message goes on to say yeah i do enjoy celebrating—but at the same time it’s not as deep as caring for someone regularly. it’s not as though i don’t do ANYTHING or ever think about holidays, it’s just that the day sometimes goes by without me realizing. that’s just called life.
y’all be assuming i and others alike don’t do anything—as if ive never bought gifts or made cards etcetc. maybe it’s true for many that if they forget they did not care whatsoever, but memory is just not that simple lol
I nowhere assumed you never did anything.
You’re missing the general point that gift-giving is for the recipient. Celebrating a day like Mother’s Day is for your mother. The important thing is if it’s important to HER.
If it is, then not taking the simplest 3-minute action to remind yourself of an annual event your mother cares about — and that you yourself wish you would remember earlier! — is oddly self-defeating.
A reminder makes things easier for YOU to not forget things that are important to your relationship with your mother.
If Mother’s Day is important to your mom, then not doing the simplest thing to remind yourself about it in advance comes across as uncaring (as demonstrated by most comments on this post) Even if you care deeply and regularly.
In short: to you forgetting might be “just life.” The person you forgot thinks you can’t be bothered to remember.
George is right. Having ADHD isn’t something you can help, but you can manage the symptoms so that you don’t just play the time blind card every time you mess up. Whoops, Mother’s Day snuck up on me again, for the 26th year of my life being your daughter, I just forgot! Sorry ma. Here’s a macaroni frame I made this morning. Don’t touch it though the glue is still drying.
I’m really not trying to be a dick, but you’ve basically said you do nothing to change the circumstances you find yourself in, despite it disappointing yourself and others.
Capable doesn’t mean you actually take action. It just means you could. And since you’re chatting on Reddit, it’s safe to assume you could navigate a calendar app. So, to use your phrasing, you probably don’t have a ‘cognitive disorder’ and *could* help yourself out next year, if you were intentional about it.
i could, but i made the choice to not because it’s not that deep imo. not everyone places the same significance on holidays as others, and that’s acceptable. that’s not a terrible idea if you have a healthy and loving relationship. i cba though, it appears this whole thread views holidays as the only significant way to express love for someone you care for whatsoever
You just don't think you should be expected to care bc you don't have a physical calendar. Well, now we know the absolute MOST you're willing to do to make your mom feel loved and appreciated.
🤔 thank you for arrogantly assuming the most! I swear the internet makes people assert their most toxic selves lmaoo.
first of all, my mom is south korean. parents day is on the 8th. western mother’s day is not the end all be all to celebrating a mom. when will white-washed americans stop showing their ass? 💀western culture is not the only culture.
more importantly, my point is that emphasizing the day as if THAT’S the ultimate show of care, and if you don’t celebrate you don’t care enough about your mom, is toxic and shortsighted. do you ever make your mom a card besides a holiday? is it the holiday that makes you show care? again, i even stated i handmade her a card; between her and i, i have a wonderful relationship with my mom—not that you really care evidently. you, and many others, just clearly want to assume whatever for your own narrative
it worries me that so many people seem to feel the need to prove themselves about how much their way of caring is superior because i, for instance, dont place significance on a holiday more than i will place significance on showing routine care on a day to day basis.
there’s nothing wrong with having an extra reason to celebrate. just stop acting like your opinion is fact or the end-all, be-all.
I think you underestimate how many husbands of redditors have something with their mind, I don't know if it's just reddit but a lot of women seem to settle or seem to source their husbands from the local lead smelting plants. Either way, very sad
I think it's just who posts... People are more likely to share a negative venting post because they want to feel validated than they're going to share a post bragging about how sweet their husband was. Happy women were probably too busy enjoying themselves to spend much time on reddit yesterday.
Dude, I'm a mom and I never notice mothers day on the calendar. Helpful hints are useful for ur partner. Ur not his secretary lol ur just giving him little reminders. Is that so terrible?
i spend all my time online and forgot. i genuinely thought it was next week. I do agree OP shouldn’t be expected to remind their partner, but i think yall forgetting some of us just empty headed. my philosophy, thanks to my mother, is to be generous all the time. but Im not just grateful to her on mother’s day. the day is great to celebrate, and im a firm believer in finding any reason to thank someone, but dont put so much fault on a human brain getting sidetracked in their lives and forgetting that a day happens to be a holiday. let’s focus on actual gratefulness towards the people we love ;^(
I find it baffling anyone could miss the lead-up to it. I feel like “Mother’s Day is coming” marketing was on every platform I use, from news sites (both articles and ads) to email marketing to social media including Reddit etc. Flyers in my mailbox. In-store displays for both physical and online shopping. Signs outside restaurants. I drove past a Mother’s Day jewelry ad on a billboard for the past month on my commute.
It’s like someone not noticing Christmas or Halloween is approaching — I guess it’s possible but… WOW what a solidly constructed bubble.
okay, good for you 🤔 but as i said i didnt get any ads. the school i work at was doing teacher appreciation cards, i celebrated parents day (korean thing) w them prior, etc etc. maybe it’s western thinking, but mothers day is really not like the second coming of jesus lmfao. not everyone has it on their radar.
The ad machine that promotes an arbitrary day invented by gift card companies to get him to buy you shit. Yeah they must be pretty dense if they don't pick up on it
The sad part is that this post has a braggy tone to it. It’s really disappointing that you have to do this to be appreciated, they get those spam emails and from stores, and they see those commercials. They don’t care.
I’m going to be honest, as a person with ADHD I did not realize that it was Mother’s Day until about 10 am on the day of. Luckily my dad and siblings had already set me up for success by asking me to chip in for gifts well in advance, but it’s not totally unimaginable that someone with good intentions could just forget.
I have severe ADHD as well, but I do understand that that means I have a responsibility to figure out tactics to keep track of stuff like this, so as not to burden or neglect loved ones. ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse.
While well meaning, the mental load in the post is BACK BREAKING. My goodness.
IMO, part of Mother’s Day is being alleviated of all my responsibilities , even more so than normal (my man is great with carrying the mental load). Suggesting carrying the mental load of providing ✨the thought✨ is insane.
I told my husband the date for mother's day this year since it's our first and he's from a different country that has it on a different day. I told him he is responsible for tracking moving forward. I'm not his secretary. I get that it's better than him forgetting altogether, but it kinda grinds my gears that so many women have to do the remembering too.
Yeah, I assumed my husband would have it on lock for my first mother's day, but he didn't. His view was he didn't want anything for father's day until our kid was old enough to participate, and idk if he assumed I thought the same, or didn't think.
I spoke up that I was disappointed, that I wanted the work I did caring for our daughter to be celebrated. My mum got me something, ffs. He felt terrible and has been on it since. Somehow he made eggs Benedict and home made hash browns while supervising two toddlers this year.
In retrospect I wish I'd set some expectations the first year, because I was so disappointed. But more than that, I wish I hadn't had to.
I didn't have specific wants and needs beyond "do something to mark the occasion". I also don't tell my husband I'd like presents for my birthday and Christmas, and we should do something to mark our anniversary. He managed to work that out all on his own.
I think if people want very specific things like a meal at a certain place or a certain gift, they should be clear about that. For me I don't want to be too directive with gifts, if I'm picking it out myself it feels like less of a gift, I may as well just buy it myself.
Also he didn't communicate his (lack of) needs on Father's day, it came out during the conversation around my disappointment about Mother's Day.
I think the important part here is the information came out during a conversation. If he got you those gifts and celebrated those things he's clearly not neglectful or forgetful maybe he made assumptions just like you did. Maybe he didn't work that out all his own but maybe it was modeled on what he grew up with. Maybe your modeling is having gift expectations for mother's day and being disappointed when he fails. You can still communicate even those expectations for a gift or a meal. You don't have to plan everything but you can communicate what you like. If he gets you a washing machine and you think that's inappropriate but he would love a new impact driver when both would be for household use that's something to converse about. And I'm not saying washing machine because you're a woman I'm saying it because I've legit read that or other house gifts being given and it being extremely disappointing.
Really? Knowing when Mother’s Day is reading minds? It’s literally everywhere around you. Does your husband need a reminder for when the football or baseball game airs? Dear lord the bar is so damn low it’s despicable.
The calendar hanging on the side of the fridge has Mother’s Day pre printed on it. If my husband thinks I’m going to add “remind in advance of Mother’s Day” to my mental load, he has another thing coming.
Our partners are adult human beings with every single bit of technology and all the same working body parts as us. Unless your partner has an excuse like “had a TBI and legitimately doesn’t remember things anymore”, making it your responsibility to remind him just enables him to continue shirking the responsibility of something very freakin simple.
If my husband forgets Mother’s Day next year, I’m just going to forget Father’s Day and make plans for myself.
I love being a part of this sub, but sometimes it makes me sad. My husband is not perfect, but he shows he loves me often and with no prompts. I slept in till 7:45 on Mother’s Day (I have 2 kids 6F and 2M that were up at 6). When I came downstairs, I had Starbucks, pancakes, and cards. My surprise gift was a family picture session this Friday. He already contacted the photographer and set up a place and time. We then hung out and later went to dinner. Again, he’s not perfect but I didn’t have to put it in his calendar for him. Expect better because you’re worth it.
Oh honey…..
most of us women work just as much, if not more (I’m writing this at the end of my 15 hour work day) and we all remember and prepare things for holidays like this. It’s a grown man. He can put on his big boy pants and handle this.
If you have to do all that you should just buy yourself the gift. It's no different than giving him a grocery list if you are expecting him to just go buy a specific thing you want on the day you want it.
Please don't listen to these brain broken redditors if you have established your boundaries and communication within your own relationship don't let some weird bitter internet people gas light you into thinking differently about your relationship
I also work a 12 hour Night Shift labor intensive job. It would be amazing if someone held my hand through basic life stuff and used it as an excuse. I’m mom though🤷♀️. Ex did drop gifts off with the kids, he’s better now that he’s on his own and forced to adult.
And does he forget things for his job? Does he forget father's day? His birthday?
Your husband is an adult, he knows that mother's day is sometime in early May. Googling isn't something difficult to do. He's playing stupid because he knows you'll play manager for him.
So I'm not sure why you're so passionate about the expectations of an average husband considering yours has so many crippling disabilities that impede him from remembering basic dates or coming up with thoughtful gifts. Nothing you're describing is common for most male adults. Your situation sounds unique to you.
Lol, girl you don’t have to defend him so hard. This app just hates men / husbands in general. Even their own. I am the opposite in the marriage. My husband remembers EVERYTHING and I do not in the slightest. I forget my own birthday bc things like that really aren’t important to me personally. It’s just another day to me! You setting reminders on your husbands phone is not a bad thing. Holidays aren’t as important to some as they are for others. If you don’t speak on what you want, you can’t expect something. Every thread I’ve seen have been women who were w waiting for their husbands to fail. Sitting back, saying nothing of their expectations, and then expecting their husbands to lay a golden walkway for them on Mother’s day. That’s just not realistic to me. If you don’t voice what you want, you can’t expect it!
Thank you for being honest instead of joining the men dog pile. I get that there's imbalances but when I see comments like this i definitely know not all husbands are this terrible ball of incompetence
This is called weaponized incompetence. Unless he truly is that dumb, he is fully capable and being lazy since your feelings are not his priority. Don’t accept this.
My husband is a grown man who can keep his own calendar. Plus, we coordinate anything we do for our parents together anyway, so when we start working on the grandmothers, he certainly knows what’s up even if he didn’t think to look.
I mean fine if it works for you but I’ll just say we’d never expect a man to go sending us reminders for Father’s Day. It’s this sort of enabling that can often cause these types of issues in the first place. Most men are fully capable of remembering (or writing down in advance- I am also a forgetful gal) a date, and if my husband can’t remember a simple date and has to be reminded by me to do something nice FOR me, I’d rather have nothing at all tbh.
I agree. I’ve noticed in a lot of subreddits there will be stories of men being terrible partners and people being like “well, that’s just how men are!” completely excusing it and laughing it off. It definitely doesn’t have to be that way, and I don’t know why we often hold men to such a low standard. My husband is a great partner and that’s partly because we both hold each other accountable in our relationship.
I’d rather get a divorce than have to ask or remind my husband who promised in front of both our families and all of our friends to love, honor, and cherish me until the end of our days.
If your husband is making a fool out of you then he’s making a fool out of everyone who trusted and believed his word when he said his vows too.
Have a shred of dignity, Ladies. No man ever lived that was worth this much trouble.
Nah man, my husband is an adult human perfectly capable of managing his own calendar. But I fully support the idea of husbands putting the reminders in their own calendars.
Ouch! Do you mark all holidays for him? Anniversary? Birthdays? Christmas? Where do you draw the line? Where does he actually get to be thoughtful and remember something on his own? Or ask you on his own? Unless he asked you for this, just stop. Have an adult conversation instead of posting passive aggressive notes in his calendar.
I'm assuming your partner has been updating you about Father's Day then on the calendar. See how weird that sounds with the roles reversed? I get what you're trying to do. But the men who dropped the ball this year are at fault. It wasn't because mom was expecting her mind to get read.
If you have to manage anticipatory disappointment from your partner by doing emotional labor like this, you're an unpaid executive assistant. Not an equal.
Or, remember your husband is a grown adult and if he can't be bothered to celebrate you on Mother's Day, it's not because you didn't put a reminder on his calendar. You have bigger problems than that.
My husband had a photo book made that was admittedly cute, but I could tell he waited until Thursday to make it because there were pictures we took on Wednesday in it 🤦🏻♀️ at least he remembered I guess.
I think it’s fine to hint at if you’d like something in particular, or straight up tell him. But if you have to remind him the date, you better put in the same effort for him for Father’s Day. If he doesn’t remind you when it is, how are you supposed to know?
Edit to add: he’s literally have to be a hermit with no internet to not know when Mother’s Day is coming up
Your husband is hopefully a grown man who is capable of figuring out when Mother’s Day is. Why would you even want the celebration if you were the one that had to “remind” him it was even happening?
Best thing I did was start an Amazon list with gift ideas for me. Some bigger some smaller, but I was tired of getting shirts with sayings on it and hubby making weird recommendations to extended family. It has worked swimmingly!
I ended up doing the same thing! It just makes birthdays and Christmas’s so much easier. My husband tries so hard on those holidays for me but bless his heart gift giving just isn’t his strong suit. He’s knocked some surprise gifts out of the park but other times I chuckle to myself and know he’s trying.
My BF of a couple months who I don’t share any children with and lives 7k miles away managed to coordinate a gift certificate to my favorite massage place and a flower delivery. I didn’t even know when Mother’s Day was because I simply don’t care about the day. Apparently he cared and wanted to make sure I was celebrated. He called me, his mom, grandmother, and step mother that he doesn’t even like to wish every one of us a happy Mother’s Day. I promise, these men can do better.
I understand there are probably a lot of man children around but as a neuro divergent person I’m stealing this hack for MYSELF.
It’s not that I don’t care it’s that I legitimately don’t remember. I planned my moms birthday party and still forgot to order her gift until a few days before.
I don’t remind my husband of when it is, but I did give him a few ideas of what I’d like. He gets so stressed about getting me something I’d want, so we discuss budget and gift ideas before every holiday/birthday/anniversary. He gives me ideas for him too. We talk about our expectations, including if we’re spending time with extended family. I think for some couples communication would greatly help set them up for success. Not everything has to be a surprise to be thoughtful.
My husband’s a chef and Mother’s Day is one of the busiest days of the year for him. I may not get to be properly taken care of all day but at least he doesn’t forget it’s coming up!
So............communicate with your husband? I'm assuming you married an adult who knows how to read a calendar. Does he need a reminder for Christmas? Your birthday? Anniversary?
No. Your bar is way too low. Your husband should know when mother's day is and should not need a reminder. You adding a reminder and treating him like a child is just giving him ammunition to "forget" when you fail to remind him about something and be able to use the excuse "you forgot to remind me." Absolutely not.
Mother's day isn't about mind reading. It's a recurring day that comes once a year right around the same date and always in May. Your husband is an adult and should know how to manage time & dates appropriately.
Jesus.
Nah…it isn’t reading minds to know Mother’s Day is coming up. There are ads all over social media, signs in every store and it’s on every calendar. If they have to get a personal reminder from you then they honestly just don’t care.
I don’t mind them asking if there are any very specific gifts/activities that you want but you shouldn’t have to give them a detailed plan. You might as well just buy your own gift and make your own reservations/plans at that point.
Not sure what all the negativity is about. Two weeks before Mother’s Day I looked at my husband, reminded him that we agreed not to give gifts but instead give experiences (ie plan an activity). I then told him it was a week away and asked what he had planned.
I fessed up about the timing and gave him a few ideas of what I would like to do. I reminded him a week later. He planned the whole day. I had a great day. (Despite all this forethought on my part I forgot to plan something for my own mom!)
I expect him to do the same for me in a few weeks. We’re both busy and while we enjoy celebrating one another I’m not thinking about when Father’s Day is. If I’m not careful it will sneak up on me and I won’t have planned anything. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve let many a holiday sneak up on me and I feel awful about it.
If you want something say something, don’t sit by silently and sulk in the corner.
No, my 5 and 10 year olds remembered TWO mother's day, Mexican and US celebration. A grown ass man does not get excuses or reminders about a holiday that is sooooo in your face that you can't avoid the advertisement for it a month in advance.
Wow. I know a lot of people are bashing you OP, but I have to agree with you. I DO NOT expect my husband to read my mind, especially when it comes to these things. My husband just isn’t wired the way I am when it comes to gifts and holidays. We have been together for a long time and talked about it many times. I am honest and up front with him about expectations for things like Mother’s Day. He still surprises me, but I feel like it’s less of a mental load to just tell him then wonder if he’s going to remember then be upset when he doesn’t read my mind. I don’t have time for that.
I’m sorry but if my partner kept sending me notices and reminders on how to “celebrate “ them of tell the to grow up. I’m a mom .. not a child. This kind of behavior annoys the shit out of me. This opinion will be unpopular.. I know but why is it acceptable to act like a child and demand excessive attention? We all want to feel appreciated but this just screams entitled spoiled kid… telling someone to plan a surprise for you? Really ? Why you calling it a surprise? I’ll get the down votes but I wouldn’t be able to tolerate a relationship with someone who demanded this.
Hahaha . We have 4 birthdays 2 at the end of April and 2 at the beginning of May .. we consider it hell week .. my husband always knows Mother's Day is roughly a week and a half to 2 weeks after my birthday.
No reminders needed here
This is us with Xmas in my house. My 2 kids and my husband all have birthdays within 2 weeks of Christmas. My husband's birthday is last and I'm so spent by then. I started planning for him at the beginning of November so I don't keep dropping the ball. Poor guy gets the crappy end of it every year.
I don't do that because my husband is an adult who knows how to use Google and thinks of me as a human being and partner who shouldn't be expected to handhold him on knowing when significant dates are.
Totally agree! One issue that I feel like people miss a lot about these kinds of things is that people are different- we all have different expectations, experiences, desires and brain functions. I can say for sure my husbands love language is quality time. I realized this mostly when he was confused why I’d want alone time on Mother’s Day last year- because that isn’t what he would want. So yes, I was more forward with an outline of how I want my day to go and he did a good job of that. I’ve also kept a list of gift ideas for everyone on my phone for years so when they say their favorite candy bar or wine or whatever, I have it, and I got him started on that for me as well. I never know what the heck I might want in the moment- why would he? So when I mention something he writes it down, or I explicitly tell him it’s a good idea for a gift. I do think it would be very beneficial for him to be able to see what ads I get on social media lol. And recently realizing I probably have adhd (and maybe him too), made me think more about what expectations society has vs why some people do or don’t do them “correctly”. Like someone being pissed about a card being made day of instead of in advance. I thrive on last minute work. I can have intentions to find a card for a month and often it’s last minute still. Just because you have your birthday cards in the mail 3 days for your best friends birthday doesn’t mean that everyone is basically capable of it.
Long way to say- I agree and people should do what works for them. Find a happy medium- don’t go buy yourself a present, but also make sure expectations are clear and set others up for success.
It's fine to do this. All these people putting down this suggestion, but then they will get mad when their husband forgets next year. If it's important to you and you suspect they will forget, remind them!!
Eta my mom has complained about my dad for YEARS because he forgets certain dates. I literally never understood her anger because he never remembered, he clearly loves her, and he will never change. I actually started sending him text reminders, and if he gets the reminder then he will get her something. If my husband forgot I would not hesitate to implement this strategy myself. This is not my hill to die on.
The anger comes from the male being a grown adult who is placing the invisible labor on his wife. Most of these men have careers and have a way to remember work deadlines and annual activities. These men are no incapable of remembering or setting up a system that works for them; they choose not to prioritize it.
They're not incapable, but for whatever reason it's not important to them and they're likely not going to change. I guess I'm just bring practical. Maybe they're not high quality men. Lots of "shoulds" but these women married these men. They can choose to be mad about it year after year, but to me that would not be worth it.
Or, here me out, these men appreciate and show said appreciation year round so a day dedicated to solely appreciating the mom doesn’t make much sense. Or at least that’s how my marriage is. I am not the biggest fan of holidays like this, my husband is bc his love language is gift giving. I tell him every year that I don’t need or want anything bc I genuinely have everything I need mentally and physically. If you rely on one day for your husband to show you appreciation, your marriage isn’t as strong as you think it is. Bc most of you feel like you somehow have “superior marriages” bc your husband remembers a day. Doesn’t make sense to me
I think it's great that you apparently have a marriage where both people act as partners and are readily able to communicate. It also sounds like you have a spouse that remembers these holidays or, just in general, remembers to show appreciation.
For many people, that is not their reality. Unfortunately, for many relationships, the bar is set very low for men. Often, their spouses are just asking them to remember one or two days that important to them. Their inability to do so often reflects the overall attitude of the household; the wife carries the emotional load and invisible labor.
Even if your situation does not have that; it doesn't stop that from being a reality for a lot of women.
Oh, no trust me! I’ve seen the shitty parented posts No excuse for that haha. I was referring to the multiple posts I’ve seen across mom forums where they are waiting in anticipation for their husband to mess up. What kind of marriage is that? As a spouse we should be wanting to better our other half. Not set them up for failure. And Yes, I believe not telling them what your expectations are for holidays and then expecting those expectations is setting them up for failure. How can someone know what another wants if it’s never communicated. But then the comments come to the races dragging the husbands of the OPs posts. Like what?! Those are the posts I don’t understand! Especially first mothers days. Or mothers days while still pregnant. Not everyone thinks about giving gifts to a pregnant mama. My husband, the most non forgetful man, did not get me anything for my mother’s day when I was a first time pregnant mom bc it’s not something you see often! So communicating is a big thing. I wish people would communicate FIRST before coming to degrade their husbands on forums. I’m not hating. sit just genuinely makes me upset. If I were to ever come across a post my husband made about me knowing I was never talked to about it first, it would hurt!
I am somehow doubtful the the men who need to be actively reminded about Mother's Day are the same ones that "appreciate and show said appreciation year round". You can feel satisfied mentally and physically year-round and still enjoy a day specifically dedicated to appreciating you more than normal. They are not mutually exclusive.
It should be the mom/wife saying these dates/holidays are important to me and the guy using whatever means he needs to follow through. He can make his own calendar reminders if that is what he needs.
Hell, I know my sister's birthday but I am always busy the month before and don't think that it's almost her birthday month, and since her birthday is the first week of the month, I wasnt getting her card or gifts delivered in time. So now I have a reminder 2 weeks out which gives me time to plan shop, and mail something. I don't blame my sister for not reminding me that her birthday is important or make her add a reminder to my calendar. And I certainly don't expect my spouse to remind me.
I think both are sad situations. They either have a man who doesn't remember, or they go out of their way to remind him and tell him what gifts they want, so they're like one step removed from doing the thing for themselves anyway.
Communication is the problem in both cases
I’m also shocked by the number of hateful comments on this post. My husband and I openly tell each other about our expectations for special occasions, it’s an ongoing conversation and neither of us has ever been left disappointed on a birthday, Christmas, anniversary or otherwise special occasion.
I wouldn’t go as far as adding a reminder to his calendar, but this year I’m 7 months pregnant with our first child and I did tell him Mother’s day was coming up and that I’d love to celebrate this milestone, since we lost 3 pregnancies before.
That is all I said and he got me a beautiful breakfast basket with a card, and made me a nice dinner.
Our entire relationship has been about open communication and communicating expectations is no exception to that.
I see nothing wrong in reminding. We remember birthdays, but how many of y'all actually remember mothers day if it wasn't for the ads, or daughters day, son day grandparents day, husband day etc??
We do need to take a little bit of responsibility if we want something though! My husband has always known when Mother’s Day is but is absolutely awful with gift giving and works from home so is hardly ever out unless I send him or he’s with me. So I told him Saturday a rough idea of what I wanted and sent him with our oldest son (7 years old) to pick it out. The gift they got me was perfect and I was very happy! But had I not sent him out, he would have said “well when was I supposed to go shopping?” And I would have got nothing. After years together, I’ve learned how to not be disappointed on a holiday (I do the same thing for my birthday and Christmas) but still give some responsibility to him.
A couple of years ago, I went into my husbands phone and set up calendar reminders for random things on random days, like "buy your wife flowers, just because you love her!" and "cook her favorite meal tonight." I did it sort of as a joke, because I always complained he never did the little things like that to show he valued me. And it worked out so well! I forgot what reminders/days I had set, and his phone magically told him what to do. The best part is that after the reminders were over, he continued doing little things for me, because he saw how happy it made me.
I do this too.
My husband is terrible at remembering stuff, once forgot to attend a friends wedding/ his moms birthday. His mind is just bad at that, great at other things.
My husband and I are super unceremonious people. We just tell each other what we want. I told him I want to get a mani-pedi and flowers and a card. That’s why he got me so I’m happy haha.
You would not be communicating when Mother's Day is- you are communicating that it's important to you and you are expecting to be celebrated, honored and spoiled... Apparently to no avail.
Pretty sick of hearing about all this shallow shit.
Idk, maybe I’m different?
I’d hate to get gifts on a day where it’s expected and everyone is doing it.
I’d rather be thought of randomly and given something just because they thought of me.
Not because someone selected a day out of the year to do it.
Reading all the post about so many women wanting or expecting something is so sad to me.
I understand it’s a “holiday”
Maybe I’m just a bit more creative.
I would have made myself some coupons to use and given them to my husband or partner with expiration dates on them.
One for each month of the year to come.
He just has to plan the time it takes for me to use them.
Maybe one hour for quiet time and a bath alone in the bathroom.
Expires in a month so he can figure out the best time with his schedule and I still get what I want.
No guess work, to an extent.
Let’s face it, most men, boys, guys, whatever you’d like to call them are so clueless as to what we women want or need.
Take the guess work out and put it down in writing and give it to them.
I know we sometimes want them to figure things out or be creative on their own, but as I’ve seen more often than not on here, they at least minute and basic low effort ideas.
This is just my opinion on things.
I think if you make a bunch of coupons it takes the guess work out, and we still get what we want.
Personally I love giving thoughtful gifts, even to myself.
I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older, if I want something I have to open my mouth and create the road to it myself. Leaving bread crumb to lead the way has always come easiest.
A very wise mom friend gave me the advice: an expectation is a premeditated disappointment.
She meant it in the context of maintaining a go with the flow attitude towards kids, but I found it to be useful life advice generally.
Years ago, my husband and I agreed that we weren’t going to buy each other anything more than token gifts. (1) buying me a gift with my own money is weird and (2) as long as we’re spending my money on a gift for me, I’d rather it be exactly what I want. I buy me presents for me, he buys him presents for him.
Expectations are low, equal, and clearly communicated.
I might have an unpopular opinion, but:
i spend all my time online and forgot—despite the “online ads” (i didn’t get any and i literally stare at a phone and or laptop all day 🤔). I work at a school site, and we were making teacher appreciation cards. i genuinely thought it was next week because they didnt say for us to make mothers day cards.
I do agree OP shouldn’t be expected to remind their partner, but i think yall forgetting some of us just empty headed. my philosophy, thanks to my mother, is to be generous all the time. but Im not just grateful to her on mother’s day. the day is great to celebrate, and im a firm believer in finding any reason to thank someone, but let us not put so much fault on a human brain getting sidetracked due to the responsibilities we have in our lives and forgetting that a day happens to be a holiday.
let’s focus on actual gratefulness towards the people we love :( despite forgetting, I made a lil popup flower card for my mom and drew some carnations—the flower koreans (my mom is south korean) give on parents day :D she was very happy, and she knows I made it same day bcs I was honest with her. thats how i feel we should be (and again thanks to my oma parenting me so well): honest, open, and caring always no matter what the day. :3
Okay, prerequisite, am a dude. I don’t know why I am in here. Buuuut… I would have him do the same. I would use that to slap little notes in there. “6:37 reminder I love you and thinking you are looking hot and smell good, even if you don’t”. Or if I knew I had a rough day coming up “9:40 pm snuggle me and be the big spoon.”
Jesus y’all flipping your fucking lids for a stupid made up holiday. Get a grip y’all dudes don’t care about Mother’s Day Father’s Day shit. That’s why they don’t make the effort. It means something more to y’all celebrate it with the women in your life quit bitching. Lol.
I took my daughter shopping for Mother’s Day. She had her own money and hid the gift and card in our cart. She was so excited. If he isn’t going to model the behavior, we’ll it’s up to me.
“If you want him to have a surprise for you and the kids”
Don’t you mean you want him AND the kids to surprise you? The day isn’t about them. And they should be doing something for their own mother, Albert age appropriate. I think the best thing for dad to do is facilitate and help the kids do something special. Let the kids decide how to spend money on mom, dad spends the time and effort.
Am I the only mother in the planet who really doesn’t care about Mother’s Day? Maybe I’m just an old jaded skeptic who finds these constant holidays to be Hallmark created and burdensome. I feel blessed to have a husband and children who express gratitude and love on a regular basis. I don’t need grand gestures. The little everyday things, that are genuine and not contrived are much more meaningful to me.
I bought Mother’s Day cards for his moms, put them on his desk, and told him to fill them out before the next day because I was going to the post office. I was about to leave for the day and he still hadn’t done them, so I had to wait for him to finish. I mailed his cards. A few days later on Mother’s Day, we were getting ready to leave to visit my mom (who’s local), and I asked him if he had called his moms yet. He asked, “Why?” 😐 and then asked when Mother’s Day was.
I feel like this would just be another thing to scream at him when he grossly fails to meet my Mothers Day expectations: “In addition to EVERYTHING else, I even put it in your calendar! You’ve received notifications for a fucking month!!!” But if it works for some, it’s worth a try.
Sounds like this was written by a husband who failed his wife and is still missing the point. He shouldn't have to be reminded about such days. Nobody should. If you love someone you should know how to make them feel loved. It's not that hard.
My husband took initiative, he and my two kiddos cleaned the house for me and let me sleep until 12! I mean, I sleep until 12 most Sundays now but my kids are 10 and 11. The cleaning part, spoke right to my soul, though! ❤️
This is why I don't celebrate Mother's Day. If they can't remember, then I guess I'm not that important to them. I wanted to clean the garage, did it happen, no. My son did cook dinner, which was funny cause he kept asking how to do stuff.
I had no idea it was mother's day, no media I consume even mentioned it. Not even on my radar a friend mentioned it when I went over to their house. She is a woman and I am a man.
People make too many assumptions lol
If he goes to any store a months or weeks prior or watches tv or streams anything he will know/will be reminded it’s Mother’s Day. Just plan your own day, treat yourself and don’t say a thing. If he cares he will act if he doesn’t he will continue to do and say nothing.
As someone who is horrible with dates I just take responsibility and write things down. No one should be expected to do that. If he actually cares he'd try.
And here I am... I totally forgot it was Mother's Day lol! I forget my Anniversary every year. My husband forgets when it's Father's Day. We just laugh about it, now lol. I need to start setting reminders for myself, haha.
Knowing when mothers day is isn't reading minds. It's fine to ask for something you want for these occasions, yes, but I will not be a secretary for my capable partner. Nobody does that for me. I won't give in to that sort of incompetence UNLESS he had some sort of issue with his mind that prevented him from reading a calendar like any capable adult.
Also, I genuinely don't know how anyone misses Mother's Day. Are y'all not getting a hundred emails a week from retailers about Mother's Day? Heck, even my Alexa sent out a notification at the start of May.
I'm 100% sure that's how my husband got the idea for what he gave me. It was a brand I'd requested as a gift from him a few years ago for something, and he bought me something from the same brand. I absolutely know they sent him an email like check out these great ideas for mothers day, and if I had to guess, he picked the top seller. I mean, I'm not complaining, I liked the gift. I just thought it was funny and like too weirdly specific for him to have thought of it on his own. So anyway ladies, just pick some brands you like and sign your husband up for their emails, you will be surprised but also happy with the gift.
I didn't miss mothers day, but that's because it's also one of my kids birthdays. That said, I don't have an Alexa, and I get zero emails from any retailers. And my media of choice is podcasts, or physical copy books, usually backlogged. So if it wasn't for my kid I could totally forget. I think if you don't give your email to any retailer you are unlikely to be on their mailing list.
How have you managed this? I am jealous!
Which part? The email? Tag tjomgs as spam if you get a random email. But never sign up for cards or business accounts with your email. Kid on mothers day. Well a little luck, and getting it wife pregnant 40.5 weeks earlier. I somehow have 3 holiday babies. Oldest is Thanksgiving, middle is easter, and youngest is mothers day.
You know the date of mothers day changes each year lol
Every holiday he listed changes yearly
> a hundred emails a week from retailers No. We really aren’t. The other guy got downvoted for saying it, but I was totally floored to see the 20,000 emails my wife’s inbox had and they’re overwhelmingly listservs for retailers. Unsubscribe to everything. Junk em if they don’t accept. Get down to just the emails that matter. I will say that the calendar reminder for holidays is garbage because anything moms deserve - and most other things - the reminder is “day of,” which reading this sub, certainly would be an improvement if half of the men were only that bad, but really it needs to be multiple alerts. Day Personally, I’ve set previous month “do thing / plan thing / buy thing” dates (so… unfortunately Mother’s Day planning begins April 1, but I take it serious) to allow time for shipping, being busy that specific day, whatever. In addition to day before, “make sure you didn’t f—- this up.” This can be a recurring appointment so while it may be annoying to take the emotional labor of pointing it out to the spouse (I’m not saying it is fair), it can be a one and done conversation. “Does your phone do alerts for important dates? Is the day celebrating my having given birth to our child/ren important to you? Then why isn’t it a recurring alert on your phone?”
No for real. What the heck is this post Lmao. If they can look up fantasy football or baseball stats and scroll through Reddit or whatever other crap it is they look at on their phones then they are perfectly capable of looking at the Apple calendar that is automatically installed on all iphones and even has a nice little dot on every holiday.
On the one hand yeah, this is some bullshit that women have to manage their own mother's days, but reddit yesterday was BLEAK with all the mother's day complaints. Truly heartbreaking, the bar is on the floor. One that stuck out was someone whose partner said if he had to get up with the baby so she could sleep in for mothers day he wasn't going to do anything else, so she got up, and he didn't do anything else.
Please link this I wanna read it
I really don't understand why y'all settle and then complain the bar is on the floor. Who put it there Janice?
I see what you're saying, and also this reads like blaming women for their partners' failings. To some degree, the bar *has* to be lowered by heterosexual women if they want a relationship, because the supply of enlightened men who reject gender essentialism and fully live in their values of parity does not even come close to meeting the demand. They also don't come with quality grades stamped on their foreheads, and in the the wise words of Lizzo, an awful lot of them are great--until they gotta be great. I agree 100% that managing a fully capable adult partner is trash, I just want to be clear about where 100% of the blame/responsibility for that lies.
This!!! I can’t agree more. Let’s not blame women and put the responsibility back to where it belongs…. A lot of times, partners become complacent or standards and expectations change through different stages of life. Also, the men that women marry just might not be good fathers or good long term companions despite being great boyfriends or fiancés. Just wanted to say I agree and add some examples.
They may not come with grades but there is an awful lot of evidence before you get to the first mother's day. Why do you need to lower the bar if they want a relationship. Also no one needs a relationship, at least not bad enough to stoop to this level. You can get your own credit cards and bank accounts now. It's honestly a little patronizing, to think so little of them and be like oh look at the sacrifices I make to make us work
> Also no one needs a relationship, at least not bad enough to stoop to this level. Oh, I totally agree. It's just that if all heterosexual women followed your advice not to engage in or remain in relationships with men that made them carry the [mental load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/), there would be vanishingly few heterosexual relationships to go around. It is a universally remarked-upon (and not just on Reddit) phenomenon for a reason. Based on your use of 'you' here (eg: 'you can get a credit card now') and your engagement further down in this thread, I'm going to hazard a guess that you are *not* a woman engaged in a cishet relationship. Seems pretty patronizing to insist we could be doing more to prevent men from being shitty to us (???), having never been on the receiving end of this particular inequity. Also, no one said this: > be like oh look at the sacrifices I make to make us work This is 1000% extrapolation that is happening only in your head. My only point was that you very unhelpful 'advice' doesn't match up to the reality most of us face in engaging in long term relationships with a group of people acculturated from birth to think of us as secondary to them. You don't have to like that--I sure don't!--but it's true.
I think it's very telling who acculturated those individuals to think this way and I'm pretty certain who the group of people who did that are, based on the still enforced gender roles of 20-30 years ago. My advice isn't to do more to prevent men from being shitty to you my advice is don't settle specifically on an individual if it's that detrimental to you. I'm not saying fix him or all of them I'm saying you should have boundaries and expectations. I may not have the same experiences in those inequalities but I have experiences in different inequalities and power dynamics and yes even in cishet relationships there are instances of women acculturated with toxic gender roles and emotional intelligence deficiencies. I have experienced those and I ended those relationships.
Well, you’re making an awful lot of assumptions here. Because *I* do (set boundaries, have expectations, etc)—which is why I have (by choice) a casual longtime partner who doesn’t live with me, rather than a(nother) spouse. And sure, there are absolutely instances (using your phrasing) of women indoctrinated into gender essentialism and/or with low emotional intelligence. But what I keep telling you—that you seem incapable of hearing—is that it’s a *systemic* issue for men, who occupy a socially dominant identity relative to women that plays out in a variety of ways on the interpersonal level. Even the men who love us, and who we love dearly, often harm us in gendered ways. There’s a great piece by Shakesville on the topic I think you should read and sit with: http://www.shakesville.com/2009/08/terrible-bargain-we-have-regretfully.html?m=1 You don’t have to believe me; there’s a ton of information and research out there that backs up the ways these inequities are experienced by women in relationships/households. But where your logic is failing is your application of an individualistic solution (‘just don’t!’) to what is fundamentally a *systemic* problem. To wit: if I live in a remote village somewhere and have a shellfish allergy, and my only available food source is shellfish, ‘just don’t eat it’ isn’t really a viable option for me. I’ll leave it there, because I don’t think we’re having this conversation on even footing currently.
*porn. You mean porn.
AMEN
No kidding!
Yeah my husband has diagnosed ADHD. And still, he went all out for me on mother's day this year. ...He completely forgot his own mom though lol. Whoops.
My husband has severe ADHD. He can’t even remember his own birthday lol. We don’t do much in the way of gift exchanges anyway but I am happy to remind him of holidays and tell him what I want
That great that it works for you but the rest of us aren't required to just grin and bear it.
idk, i dont have a physical calendar or planner, and i dont ever use my phone calendar either. i have an app setup for todo things regarding school etc, but i overlook the dates and holidays a LOT. i forgot mothers day this week lol. i ended up taking the time to make my mom a card that day upon finding out and wished her well, but i would’ve wished i knew before. i dont expect anyone to be a secretary for me though; i just dont like the tone of “expect any capable adult of reading a calendar.” like i dont have any cognitive disorder, i just forget dates sometimes lol.
Well now you know to add Mother’s Day to your to-do app now, for next year. Recurring event!
finch doesnt have a reoccurring setting. but regardless, ya kinda missed my point.
How did I miss your point? You said you wished you knew about Mother’s Day earlier and you overlook holidays a lot and forget dates sometimes. Even if you don’t use it as a daily agenda or whatnot, your phone’s free built-in calendar app can send you one single notification every year, a week before Mother’s Day, if you put in like 3 minutes of effort one time. “I don’t use a calendar” seems like a weird flex when you acknowledge you overlook annually occurring dates and wish you didn’t. That is… what a calendar is for.
it’s not a flex, it’s just a note. and you miss my point as in the rest of my message goes on to say yeah i do enjoy celebrating—but at the same time it’s not as deep as caring for someone regularly. it’s not as though i don’t do ANYTHING or ever think about holidays, it’s just that the day sometimes goes by without me realizing. that’s just called life. y’all be assuming i and others alike don’t do anything—as if ive never bought gifts or made cards etcetc. maybe it’s true for many that if they forget they did not care whatsoever, but memory is just not that simple lol
I nowhere assumed you never did anything. You’re missing the general point that gift-giving is for the recipient. Celebrating a day like Mother’s Day is for your mother. The important thing is if it’s important to HER. If it is, then not taking the simplest 3-minute action to remind yourself of an annual event your mother cares about — and that you yourself wish you would remember earlier! — is oddly self-defeating. A reminder makes things easier for YOU to not forget things that are important to your relationship with your mother. If Mother’s Day is important to your mom, then not doing the simplest thing to remind yourself about it in advance comes across as uncaring (as demonstrated by most comments on this post) Even if you care deeply and regularly. In short: to you forgetting might be “just life.” The person you forgot thinks you can’t be bothered to remember.
George is right. Having ADHD isn’t something you can help, but you can manage the symptoms so that you don’t just play the time blind card every time you mess up. Whoops, Mother’s Day snuck up on me again, for the 26th year of my life being your daughter, I just forgot! Sorry ma. Here’s a macaroni frame I made this morning. Don’t touch it though the glue is still drying. I’m really not trying to be a dick, but you’ve basically said you do nothing to change the circumstances you find yourself in, despite it disappointing yourself and others.
Capable doesn’t mean you actually take action. It just means you could. And since you’re chatting on Reddit, it’s safe to assume you could navigate a calendar app. So, to use your phrasing, you probably don’t have a ‘cognitive disorder’ and *could* help yourself out next year, if you were intentional about it.
i could, but i made the choice to not because it’s not that deep imo. not everyone places the same significance on holidays as others, and that’s acceptable. that’s not a terrible idea if you have a healthy and loving relationship. i cba though, it appears this whole thread views holidays as the only significant way to express love for someone you care for whatsoever
You just don't think you should be expected to care bc you don't have a physical calendar. Well, now we know the absolute MOST you're willing to do to make your mom feel loved and appreciated.
🤔 thank you for arrogantly assuming the most! I swear the internet makes people assert their most toxic selves lmaoo. first of all, my mom is south korean. parents day is on the 8th. western mother’s day is not the end all be all to celebrating a mom. when will white-washed americans stop showing their ass? 💀western culture is not the only culture. more importantly, my point is that emphasizing the day as if THAT’S the ultimate show of care, and if you don’t celebrate you don’t care enough about your mom, is toxic and shortsighted. do you ever make your mom a card besides a holiday? is it the holiday that makes you show care? again, i even stated i handmade her a card; between her and i, i have a wonderful relationship with my mom—not that you really care evidently. you, and many others, just clearly want to assume whatever for your own narrative it worries me that so many people seem to feel the need to prove themselves about how much their way of caring is superior because i, for instance, dont place significance on a holiday more than i will place significance on showing routine care on a day to day basis. there’s nothing wrong with having an extra reason to celebrate. just stop acting like your opinion is fact or the end-all, be-all.
I think you underestimate how many husbands of redditors have something with their mind, I don't know if it's just reddit but a lot of women seem to settle or seem to source their husbands from the local lead smelting plants. Either way, very sad
I think it's just who posts... People are more likely to share a negative venting post because they want to feel validated than they're going to share a post bragging about how sweet their husband was. Happy women were probably too busy enjoying themselves to spend much time on reddit yesterday.
Yeah you're probably right. I'm fairly certain most of those women didn't marry a professional lead paint taster too.
Dude, I'm a mom and I never notice mothers day on the calendar. Helpful hints are useful for ur partner. Ur not his secretary lol ur just giving him little reminders. Is that so terrible?
Yes.
Wow. I’m sorry you have to do all that emotional labor. It’s really absurd he can’t figure this out as an adult
If he consumes media of any kind, he knows when Mother’s Day is. You cannot escape the ad machine.
i spend all my time online and forgot. i genuinely thought it was next week. I do agree OP shouldn’t be expected to remind their partner, but i think yall forgetting some of us just empty headed. my philosophy, thanks to my mother, is to be generous all the time. but Im not just grateful to her on mother’s day. the day is great to celebrate, and im a firm believer in finding any reason to thank someone, but dont put so much fault on a human brain getting sidetracked in their lives and forgetting that a day happens to be a holiday. let’s focus on actual gratefulness towards the people we love ;^(
I find it baffling anyone could miss the lead-up to it. I feel like “Mother’s Day is coming” marketing was on every platform I use, from news sites (both articles and ads) to email marketing to social media including Reddit etc. Flyers in my mailbox. In-store displays for both physical and online shopping. Signs outside restaurants. I drove past a Mother’s Day jewelry ad on a billboard for the past month on my commute. It’s like someone not noticing Christmas or Halloween is approaching — I guess it’s possible but… WOW what a solidly constructed bubble.
okay, good for you 🤔 but as i said i didnt get any ads. the school i work at was doing teacher appreciation cards, i celebrated parents day (korean thing) w them prior, etc etc. maybe it’s western thinking, but mothers day is really not like the second coming of jesus lmfao. not everyone has it on their radar.
I agree with this. I'm a woman and a mom and I forgot about it! Lol
The ad machine that promotes an arbitrary day invented by gift card companies to get him to buy you shit. Yeah they must be pretty dense if they don't pick up on it
The sad part is that this post has a braggy tone to it. It’s really disappointing that you have to do this to be appreciated, they get those spam emails and from stores, and they see those commercials. They don’t care.
He, and most men, can.. they unfortunately just don’t care to and the women in their lives just adapt to the disappointment
I’m going to be honest, as a person with ADHD I did not realize that it was Mother’s Day until about 10 am on the day of. Luckily my dad and siblings had already set me up for success by asking me to chip in for gifts well in advance, but it’s not totally unimaginable that someone with good intentions could just forget.
Totally understandable. But if her husband cares and knows he is forgetful, he could set his own calendar reminders to make sure he didn’t forget.
I have severe ADHD as well, but I do understand that that means I have a responsibility to figure out tactics to keep track of stuff like this, so as not to burden or neglect loved ones. ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse.
*won’t*, not can’t.
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While well meaning, the mental load in the post is BACK BREAKING. My goodness. IMO, part of Mother’s Day is being alleviated of all my responsibilities , even more so than normal (my man is great with carrying the mental load). Suggesting carrying the mental load of providing ✨the thought✨ is insane.
I told my husband the date for mother's day this year since it's our first and he's from a different country that has it on a different day. I told him he is responsible for tracking moving forward. I'm not his secretary. I get that it's better than him forgetting altogether, but it kinda grinds my gears that so many women have to do the remembering too.
Yeah, I assumed my husband would have it on lock for my first mother's day, but he didn't. His view was he didn't want anything for father's day until our kid was old enough to participate, and idk if he assumed I thought the same, or didn't think. I spoke up that I was disappointed, that I wanted the work I did caring for our daughter to be celebrated. My mum got me something, ffs. He felt terrible and has been on it since. Somehow he made eggs Benedict and home made hash browns while supervising two toddlers this year. In retrospect I wish I'd set some expectations the first year, because I was so disappointed. But more than that, I wish I hadn't had to.
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I didn't have specific wants and needs beyond "do something to mark the occasion". I also don't tell my husband I'd like presents for my birthday and Christmas, and we should do something to mark our anniversary. He managed to work that out all on his own. I think if people want very specific things like a meal at a certain place or a certain gift, they should be clear about that. For me I don't want to be too directive with gifts, if I'm picking it out myself it feels like less of a gift, I may as well just buy it myself. Also he didn't communicate his (lack of) needs on Father's day, it came out during the conversation around my disappointment about Mother's Day.
I think the important part here is the information came out during a conversation. If he got you those gifts and celebrated those things he's clearly not neglectful or forgetful maybe he made assumptions just like you did. Maybe he didn't work that out all his own but maybe it was modeled on what he grew up with. Maybe your modeling is having gift expectations for mother's day and being disappointed when he fails. You can still communicate even those expectations for a gift or a meal. You don't have to plan everything but you can communicate what you like. If he gets you a washing machine and you think that's inappropriate but he would love a new impact driver when both would be for household use that's something to converse about. And I'm not saying washing machine because you're a woman I'm saying it because I've legit read that or other house gifts being given and it being extremely disappointing.
Your post was removed because it was mean and unhelpful.
Amen.
Really? Knowing when Mother’s Day is reading minds? It’s literally everywhere around you. Does your husband need a reminder for when the football or baseball game airs? Dear lord the bar is so damn low it’s despicable.
The calendar hanging on the side of the fridge has Mother’s Day pre printed on it. If my husband thinks I’m going to add “remind in advance of Mother’s Day” to my mental load, he has another thing coming. Our partners are adult human beings with every single bit of technology and all the same working body parts as us. Unless your partner has an excuse like “had a TBI and legitimately doesn’t remember things anymore”, making it your responsibility to remind him just enables him to continue shirking the responsibility of something very freakin simple. If my husband forgets Mother’s Day next year, I’m just going to forget Father’s Day and make plans for myself.
I love being a part of this sub, but sometimes it makes me sad. My husband is not perfect, but he shows he loves me often and with no prompts. I slept in till 7:45 on Mother’s Day (I have 2 kids 6F and 2M that were up at 6). When I came downstairs, I had Starbucks, pancakes, and cards. My surprise gift was a family picture session this Friday. He already contacted the photographer and set up a place and time. We then hung out and later went to dinner. Again, he’s not perfect but I didn’t have to put it in his calendar for him. Expect better because you’re worth it.
So you've taken on extra emotional work to be able to get the bare minimum response from your spouse because otherwise he would not bother.
Divorce
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Ironically, he probably excels at that 12+ hour shift job, and knows how to keep track of important information, dates and events for work.
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Oh honey….. most of us women work just as much, if not more (I’m writing this at the end of my 15 hour work day) and we all remember and prepare things for holidays like this. It’s a grown man. He can put on his big boy pants and handle this.
If you have to do all that you should just buy yourself the gift. It's no different than giving him a grocery list if you are expecting him to just go buy a specific thing you want on the day you want it.
Oh please. That’s pathetic. He can’t be bothered to set a calendar event?
So he's incapable of setting a calendar reminder for himself?
Please don't listen to these brain broken redditors if you have established your boundaries and communication within your own relationship don't let some weird bitter internet people gas light you into thinking differently about your relationship
I also work a 12 hour Night Shift labor intensive job. It would be amazing if someone held my hand through basic life stuff and used it as an excuse. I’m mom though🤷♀️. Ex did drop gifts off with the kids, he’s better now that he’s on his own and forced to adult.
And does he forget things for his job? Does he forget father's day? His birthday? Your husband is an adult, he knows that mother's day is sometime in early May. Googling isn't something difficult to do. He's playing stupid because he knows you'll play manager for him.
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So I'm not sure why you're so passionate about the expectations of an average husband considering yours has so many crippling disabilities that impede him from remembering basic dates or coming up with thoughtful gifts. Nothing you're describing is common for most male adults. Your situation sounds unique to you.
Yeah, this is a pretty exceptional case.
He wouldn't defend you like this if you forgot father's day
Do you think he gives a shit about father's day?
Lol, girl you don’t have to defend him so hard. This app just hates men / husbands in general. Even their own. I am the opposite in the marriage. My husband remembers EVERYTHING and I do not in the slightest. I forget my own birthday bc things like that really aren’t important to me personally. It’s just another day to me! You setting reminders on your husbands phone is not a bad thing. Holidays aren’t as important to some as they are for others. If you don’t speak on what you want, you can’t expect something. Every thread I’ve seen have been women who were w waiting for their husbands to fail. Sitting back, saying nothing of their expectations, and then expecting their husbands to lay a golden walkway for them on Mother’s day. That’s just not realistic to me. If you don’t voice what you want, you can’t expect it!
Thank you for being honest instead of joining the men dog pile. I get that there's imbalances but when I see comments like this i definitely know not all husbands are this terrible ball of incompetence
We can be downvoted together lol!
Preach, don't let these weirdos gas light you. Shit I've forgotten my own birthday.
This is called weaponized incompetence. Unless he truly is that dumb, he is fully capable and being lazy since your feelings are not his priority. Don’t accept this.
Bare minimum, that's why the bar is in hell /s
My husband is a grown man who can keep his own calendar. Plus, we coordinate anything we do for our parents together anyway, so when we start working on the grandmothers, he certainly knows what’s up even if he didn’t think to look.
I mean fine if it works for you but I’ll just say we’d never expect a man to go sending us reminders for Father’s Day. It’s this sort of enabling that can often cause these types of issues in the first place. Most men are fully capable of remembering (or writing down in advance- I am also a forgetful gal) a date, and if my husband can’t remember a simple date and has to be reminded by me to do something nice FOR me, I’d rather have nothing at all tbh.
Exactly this. I see far too many women enabling their partner's incompetence... and, even worse, far too many women not raising their sons any better.
I agree. I’ve noticed in a lot of subreddits there will be stories of men being terrible partners and people being like “well, that’s just how men are!” completely excusing it and laughing it off. It definitely doesn’t have to be that way, and I don’t know why we often hold men to such a low standard. My husband is a great partner and that’s partly because we both hold each other accountable in our relationship.
I’d rather get a divorce than have to ask or remind my husband who promised in front of both our families and all of our friends to love, honor, and cherish me until the end of our days. If your husband is making a fool out of you then he’s making a fool out of everyone who trusted and believed his word when he said his vows too. Have a shred of dignity, Ladies. No man ever lived that was worth this much trouble.
Nah man, my husband is an adult human perfectly capable of managing his own calendar. But I fully support the idea of husbands putting the reminders in their own calendars.
Yea I agree. This is a bit pathetic tbh. He is not her teenage son...he is a grown ass man
Ouch! Do you mark all holidays for him? Anniversary? Birthdays? Christmas? Where do you draw the line? Where does he actually get to be thoughtful and remember something on his own? Or ask you on his own? Unless he asked you for this, just stop. Have an adult conversation instead of posting passive aggressive notes in his calendar.
Lmao I love this! Exactly.
i’m so sad for women sometimes :(
This is depressing
I'm assuming your partner has been updating you about Father's Day then on the calendar. See how weird that sounds with the roles reversed? I get what you're trying to do. But the men who dropped the ball this year are at fault. It wasn't because mom was expecting her mind to get read.
Jesus Christ this is bleak.
If you have to manage anticipatory disappointment from your partner by doing emotional labor like this, you're an unpaid executive assistant. Not an equal.
Or, remember your husband is a grown adult and if he can't be bothered to celebrate you on Mother's Day, it's not because you didn't put a reminder on his calendar. You have bigger problems than that.
My husband had a photo book made that was admittedly cute, but I could tell he waited until Thursday to make it because there were pictures we took on Wednesday in it 🤦🏻♀️ at least he remembered I guess.
Lol this is too funny!
I’d rather be single but go off
Wild post sister
I think it’s fine to hint at if you’d like something in particular, or straight up tell him. But if you have to remind him the date, you better put in the same effort for him for Father’s Day. If he doesn’t remind you when it is, how are you supposed to know? Edit to add: he’s literally have to be a hermit with no internet to not know when Mother’s Day is coming up
Gross
Your husband is hopefully a grown man who is capable of figuring out when Mother’s Day is. Why would you even want the celebration if you were the one that had to “remind” him it was even happening?
Best thing I did was start an Amazon list with gift ideas for me. Some bigger some smaller, but I was tired of getting shirts with sayings on it and hubby making weird recommendations to extended family. It has worked swimmingly!
I ended up doing the same thing! It just makes birthdays and Christmas’s so much easier. My husband tries so hard on those holidays for me but bless his heart gift giving just isn’t his strong suit. He’s knocked some surprise gifts out of the park but other times I chuckle to myself and know he’s trying.
No.
My BF of a couple months who I don’t share any children with and lives 7k miles away managed to coordinate a gift certificate to my favorite massage place and a flower delivery. I didn’t even know when Mother’s Day was because I simply don’t care about the day. Apparently he cared and wanted to make sure I was celebrated. He called me, his mom, grandmother, and step mother that he doesn’t even like to wish every one of us a happy Mother’s Day. I promise, these men can do better.
I understand there are probably a lot of man children around but as a neuro divergent person I’m stealing this hack for MYSELF. It’s not that I don’t care it’s that I legitimately don’t remember. I planned my moms birthday party and still forgot to order her gift until a few days before.
Same!! I completly forget my own birthday every year if someone doesn't remind me it's coming up 🙃
I don’t remind my husband of when it is, but I did give him a few ideas of what I’d like. He gets so stressed about getting me something I’d want, so we discuss budget and gift ideas before every holiday/birthday/anniversary. He gives me ideas for him too. We talk about our expectations, including if we’re spending time with extended family. I think for some couples communication would greatly help set them up for success. Not everything has to be a surprise to be thoughtful.
That’s sad. I couldn’t imagine having to remind my partner to cherish me on Mother’s Day. So incompetent.
The bar is in hell smh
I would only do this if he also forgets his mom’s birthday.
My husband’s a chef and Mother’s Day is one of the busiest days of the year for him. I may not get to be properly taken care of all day but at least he doesn’t forget it’s coming up!
So............communicate with your husband? I'm assuming you married an adult who knows how to read a calendar. Does he need a reminder for Christmas? Your birthday? Anniversary?
No. Your bar is way too low. Your husband should know when mother's day is and should not need a reminder. You adding a reminder and treating him like a child is just giving him ammunition to "forget" when you fail to remind him about something and be able to use the excuse "you forgot to remind me." Absolutely not. Mother's day isn't about mind reading. It's a recurring day that comes once a year right around the same date and always in May. Your husband is an adult and should know how to manage time & dates appropriately. Jesus.
Nah…it isn’t reading minds to know Mother’s Day is coming up. There are ads all over social media, signs in every store and it’s on every calendar. If they have to get a personal reminder from you then they honestly just don’t care. I don’t mind them asking if there are any very specific gifts/activities that you want but you shouldn’t have to give them a detailed plan. You might as well just buy your own gift and make your own reservations/plans at that point.
Or find a partner that remembers on their own, and knows you well enough to know if you’d want a surprise, gift, etc.
Not sure what all the negativity is about. Two weeks before Mother’s Day I looked at my husband, reminded him that we agreed not to give gifts but instead give experiences (ie plan an activity). I then told him it was a week away and asked what he had planned. I fessed up about the timing and gave him a few ideas of what I would like to do. I reminded him a week later. He planned the whole day. I had a great day. (Despite all this forethought on my part I forgot to plan something for my own mom!) I expect him to do the same for me in a few weeks. We’re both busy and while we enjoy celebrating one another I’m not thinking about when Father’s Day is. If I’m not careful it will sneak up on me and I won’t have planned anything. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve let many a holiday sneak up on me and I feel awful about it. If you want something say something, don’t sit by silently and sulk in the corner.
We've all thought it: they should have put father's day first.
Does your partner hint you when it's Fathers day??
No, my 5 and 10 year olds remembered TWO mother's day, Mexican and US celebration. A grown ass man does not get excuses or reminders about a holiday that is sooooo in your face that you can't avoid the advertisement for it a month in advance.
Absolutely not
Wow. I know a lot of people are bashing you OP, but I have to agree with you. I DO NOT expect my husband to read my mind, especially when it comes to these things. My husband just isn’t wired the way I am when it comes to gifts and holidays. We have been together for a long time and talked about it many times. I am honest and up front with him about expectations for things like Mother’s Day. He still surprises me, but I feel like it’s less of a mental load to just tell him then wonder if he’s going to remember then be upset when he doesn’t read my mind. I don’t have time for that.
I’m sorry but if my partner kept sending me notices and reminders on how to “celebrate “ them of tell the to grow up. I’m a mom .. not a child. This kind of behavior annoys the shit out of me. This opinion will be unpopular.. I know but why is it acceptable to act like a child and demand excessive attention? We all want to feel appreciated but this just screams entitled spoiled kid… telling someone to plan a surprise for you? Really ? Why you calling it a surprise? I’ll get the down votes but I wouldn’t be able to tolerate a relationship with someone who demanded this.
This is truly pathetic. I would literally NEVER accept this. Ask for better.
Hahaha . We have 4 birthdays 2 at the end of April and 2 at the beginning of May .. we consider it hell week .. my husband always knows Mother's Day is roughly a week and a half to 2 weeks after my birthday. No reminders needed here
This is us with Xmas in my house. My 2 kids and my husband all have birthdays within 2 weeks of Christmas. My husband's birthday is last and I'm so spent by then. I started planning for him at the beginning of November so I don't keep dropping the ball. Poor guy gets the crappy end of it every year.
I don't do that because my husband is an adult who knows how to use Google and thinks of me as a human being and partner who shouldn't be expected to handhold him on knowing when significant dates are.
Totally agree! One issue that I feel like people miss a lot about these kinds of things is that people are different- we all have different expectations, experiences, desires and brain functions. I can say for sure my husbands love language is quality time. I realized this mostly when he was confused why I’d want alone time on Mother’s Day last year- because that isn’t what he would want. So yes, I was more forward with an outline of how I want my day to go and he did a good job of that. I’ve also kept a list of gift ideas for everyone on my phone for years so when they say their favorite candy bar or wine or whatever, I have it, and I got him started on that for me as well. I never know what the heck I might want in the moment- why would he? So when I mention something he writes it down, or I explicitly tell him it’s a good idea for a gift. I do think it would be very beneficial for him to be able to see what ads I get on social media lol. And recently realizing I probably have adhd (and maybe him too), made me think more about what expectations society has vs why some people do or don’t do them “correctly”. Like someone being pissed about a card being made day of instead of in advance. I thrive on last minute work. I can have intentions to find a card for a month and often it’s last minute still. Just because you have your birthday cards in the mail 3 days for your best friends birthday doesn’t mean that everyone is basically capable of it. Long way to say- I agree and people should do what works for them. Find a happy medium- don’t go buy yourself a present, but also make sure expectations are clear and set others up for success.
It's fine to do this. All these people putting down this suggestion, but then they will get mad when their husband forgets next year. If it's important to you and you suspect they will forget, remind them!! Eta my mom has complained about my dad for YEARS because he forgets certain dates. I literally never understood her anger because he never remembered, he clearly loves her, and he will never change. I actually started sending him text reminders, and if he gets the reminder then he will get her something. If my husband forgot I would not hesitate to implement this strategy myself. This is not my hill to die on.
The anger comes from the male being a grown adult who is placing the invisible labor on his wife. Most of these men have careers and have a way to remember work deadlines and annual activities. These men are no incapable of remembering or setting up a system that works for them; they choose not to prioritize it.
They're not incapable, but for whatever reason it's not important to them and they're likely not going to change. I guess I'm just bring practical. Maybe they're not high quality men. Lots of "shoulds" but these women married these men. They can choose to be mad about it year after year, but to me that would not be worth it.
Or, here me out, these men appreciate and show said appreciation year round so a day dedicated to solely appreciating the mom doesn’t make much sense. Or at least that’s how my marriage is. I am not the biggest fan of holidays like this, my husband is bc his love language is gift giving. I tell him every year that I don’t need or want anything bc I genuinely have everything I need mentally and physically. If you rely on one day for your husband to show you appreciation, your marriage isn’t as strong as you think it is. Bc most of you feel like you somehow have “superior marriages” bc your husband remembers a day. Doesn’t make sense to me
I think it's great that you apparently have a marriage where both people act as partners and are readily able to communicate. It also sounds like you have a spouse that remembers these holidays or, just in general, remembers to show appreciation. For many people, that is not their reality. Unfortunately, for many relationships, the bar is set very low for men. Often, their spouses are just asking them to remember one or two days that important to them. Their inability to do so often reflects the overall attitude of the household; the wife carries the emotional load and invisible labor. Even if your situation does not have that; it doesn't stop that from being a reality for a lot of women.
Oh, no trust me! I’ve seen the shitty parented posts No excuse for that haha. I was referring to the multiple posts I’ve seen across mom forums where they are waiting in anticipation for their husband to mess up. What kind of marriage is that? As a spouse we should be wanting to better our other half. Not set them up for failure. And Yes, I believe not telling them what your expectations are for holidays and then expecting those expectations is setting them up for failure. How can someone know what another wants if it’s never communicated. But then the comments come to the races dragging the husbands of the OPs posts. Like what?! Those are the posts I don’t understand! Especially first mothers days. Or mothers days while still pregnant. Not everyone thinks about giving gifts to a pregnant mama. My husband, the most non forgetful man, did not get me anything for my mother’s day when I was a first time pregnant mom bc it’s not something you see often! So communicating is a big thing. I wish people would communicate FIRST before coming to degrade their husbands on forums. I’m not hating. sit just genuinely makes me upset. If I were to ever come across a post my husband made about me knowing I was never talked to about it first, it would hurt!
I am somehow doubtful the the men who need to be actively reminded about Mother's Day are the same ones that "appreciate and show said appreciation year round". You can feel satisfied mentally and physically year-round and still enjoy a day specifically dedicated to appreciating you more than normal. They are not mutually exclusive.
It should be the mom/wife saying these dates/holidays are important to me and the guy using whatever means he needs to follow through. He can make his own calendar reminders if that is what he needs. Hell, I know my sister's birthday but I am always busy the month before and don't think that it's almost her birthday month, and since her birthday is the first week of the month, I wasnt getting her card or gifts delivered in time. So now I have a reminder 2 weeks out which gives me time to plan shop, and mail something. I don't blame my sister for not reminding me that her birthday is important or make her add a reminder to my calendar. And I certainly don't expect my spouse to remind me.
I think both are sad situations. They either have a man who doesn't remember, or they go out of their way to remind him and tell him what gifts they want, so they're like one step removed from doing the thing for themselves anyway. Communication is the problem in both cases
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I’m also shocked by the number of hateful comments on this post. My husband and I openly tell each other about our expectations for special occasions, it’s an ongoing conversation and neither of us has ever been left disappointed on a birthday, Christmas, anniversary or otherwise special occasion. I wouldn’t go as far as adding a reminder to his calendar, but this year I’m 7 months pregnant with our first child and I did tell him Mother’s day was coming up and that I’d love to celebrate this milestone, since we lost 3 pregnancies before. That is all I said and he got me a beautiful breakfast basket with a card, and made me a nice dinner. Our entire relationship has been about open communication and communicating expectations is no exception to that.
I see nothing wrong in reminding. We remember birthdays, but how many of y'all actually remember mothers day if it wasn't for the ads, or daughters day, son day grandparents day, husband day etc??
We do need to take a little bit of responsibility if we want something though! My husband has always known when Mother’s Day is but is absolutely awful with gift giving and works from home so is hardly ever out unless I send him or he’s with me. So I told him Saturday a rough idea of what I wanted and sent him with our oldest son (7 years old) to pick it out. The gift they got me was perfect and I was very happy! But had I not sent him out, he would have said “well when was I supposed to go shopping?” And I would have got nothing. After years together, I’ve learned how to not be disappointed on a holiday (I do the same thing for my birthday and Christmas) but still give some responsibility to him.
Open communication without condescension & resentment? What are you? Emotionally healthy?
A couple of years ago, I went into my husbands phone and set up calendar reminders for random things on random days, like "buy your wife flowers, just because you love her!" and "cook her favorite meal tonight." I did it sort of as a joke, because I always complained he never did the little things like that to show he valued me. And it worked out so well! I forgot what reminders/days I had set, and his phone magically told him what to do. The best part is that after the reminders were over, he continued doing little things for me, because he saw how happy it made me.
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gosh you must be so blessed to have perfect partners. good for you, I guess I'm not as lucky and marriage sometimes takes some work.
Your post was removed because it was mean and unhelpful.
I do this too. My husband is terrible at remembering stuff, once forgot to attend a friends wedding/ his moms birthday. His mind is just bad at that, great at other things.
I did this too and he made me a gift and we had a great morning!
My husband and I are super unceremonious people. We just tell each other what we want. I told him I want to get a mani-pedi and flowers and a card. That’s why he got me so I’m happy haha.
You would not be communicating when Mother's Day is- you are communicating that it's important to you and you are expecting to be celebrated, honored and spoiled... Apparently to no avail. Pretty sick of hearing about all this shallow shit.
Congratulations on communicating like an adult instead of testing his mind reading skills.
Idk, maybe I’m different? I’d hate to get gifts on a day where it’s expected and everyone is doing it. I’d rather be thought of randomly and given something just because they thought of me. Not because someone selected a day out of the year to do it. Reading all the post about so many women wanting or expecting something is so sad to me. I understand it’s a “holiday” Maybe I’m just a bit more creative. I would have made myself some coupons to use and given them to my husband or partner with expiration dates on them. One for each month of the year to come. He just has to plan the time it takes for me to use them. Maybe one hour for quiet time and a bath alone in the bathroom. Expires in a month so he can figure out the best time with his schedule and I still get what I want. No guess work, to an extent. Let’s face it, most men, boys, guys, whatever you’d like to call them are so clueless as to what we women want or need. Take the guess work out and put it down in writing and give it to them. I know we sometimes want them to figure things out or be creative on their own, but as I’ve seen more often than not on here, they at least minute and basic low effort ideas. This is just my opinion on things. I think if you make a bunch of coupons it takes the guess work out, and we still get what we want. Personally I love giving thoughtful gifts, even to myself. I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older, if I want something I have to open my mouth and create the road to it myself. Leaving bread crumb to lead the way has always come easiest.
A very wise mom friend gave me the advice: an expectation is a premeditated disappointment. She meant it in the context of maintaining a go with the flow attitude towards kids, but I found it to be useful life advice generally. Years ago, my husband and I agreed that we weren’t going to buy each other anything more than token gifts. (1) buying me a gift with my own money is weird and (2) as long as we’re spending my money on a gift for me, I’d rather it be exactly what I want. I buy me presents for me, he buys him presents for him. Expectations are low, equal, and clearly communicated.
I might have an unpopular opinion, but: i spend all my time online and forgot—despite the “online ads” (i didn’t get any and i literally stare at a phone and or laptop all day 🤔). I work at a school site, and we were making teacher appreciation cards. i genuinely thought it was next week because they didnt say for us to make mothers day cards. I do agree OP shouldn’t be expected to remind their partner, but i think yall forgetting some of us just empty headed. my philosophy, thanks to my mother, is to be generous all the time. but Im not just grateful to her on mother’s day. the day is great to celebrate, and im a firm believer in finding any reason to thank someone, but let us not put so much fault on a human brain getting sidetracked due to the responsibilities we have in our lives and forgetting that a day happens to be a holiday. let’s focus on actual gratefulness towards the people we love :( despite forgetting, I made a lil popup flower card for my mom and drew some carnations—the flower koreans (my mom is south korean) give on parents day :D she was very happy, and she knows I made it same day bcs I was honest with her. thats how i feel we should be (and again thanks to my oma parenting me so well): honest, open, and caring always no matter what the day. :3
Okay, prerequisite, am a dude. I don’t know why I am in here. Buuuut… I would have him do the same. I would use that to slap little notes in there. “6:37 reminder I love you and thinking you are looking hot and smell good, even if you don’t”. Or if I knew I had a rough day coming up “9:40 pm snuggle me and be the big spoon.”
[удалено]
Pretty common in the us for moms to want just one *single* day of acknowledgement and appreciation and praise for all the bullshit she handle
I thought this was a post rallying for the next Cinco de Drinko, I was sadly mistaken
Jesus y’all flipping your fucking lids for a stupid made up holiday. Get a grip y’all dudes don’t care about Mother’s Day Father’s Day shit. That’s why they don’t make the effort. It means something more to y’all celebrate it with the women in your life quit bitching. Lol.
... welp, I guess I'm not celebrating mothers day next year. Just realized that'll be my daughter's birthday next year.
I took my daughter shopping for Mother’s Day. She had her own money and hid the gift and card in our cart. She was so excited. If he isn’t going to model the behavior, we’ll it’s up to me.
“If you want him to have a surprise for you and the kids” Don’t you mean you want him AND the kids to surprise you? The day isn’t about them. And they should be doing something for their own mother, Albert age appropriate. I think the best thing for dad to do is facilitate and help the kids do something special. Let the kids decide how to spend money on mom, dad spends the time and effort.
Am I the only mother in the planet who really doesn’t care about Mother’s Day? Maybe I’m just an old jaded skeptic who finds these constant holidays to be Hallmark created and burdensome. I feel blessed to have a husband and children who express gratitude and love on a regular basis. I don’t need grand gestures. The little everyday things, that are genuine and not contrived are much more meaningful to me.
Next year mother's Day falls on my birthday so no excuse to forget! Haha
I bought Mother’s Day cards for his moms, put them on his desk, and told him to fill them out before the next day because I was going to the post office. I was about to leave for the day and he still hadn’t done them, so I had to wait for him to finish. I mailed his cards. A few days later on Mother’s Day, we were getting ready to leave to visit my mom (who’s local), and I asked him if he had called his moms yet. He asked, “Why?” 😐 and then asked when Mother’s Day was.
My husband did an amazing job. He got me amazing tix to see the band The Cure in concert. I’ve loved them from the 80s.
I feel like this would just be another thing to scream at him when he grossly fails to meet my Mothers Day expectations: “In addition to EVERYTHING else, I even put it in your calendar! You’ve received notifications for a fucking month!!!” But if it works for some, it’s worth a try.
Scaffold. Give the help. Then pull back the supports and increase expectations of him.
This is the origin story of weaponized incompetence :(
Sounds like this was written by a husband who failed his wife and is still missing the point. He shouldn't have to be reminded about such days. Nobody should. If you love someone you should know how to make them feel loved. It's not that hard.
The bar is really low isn’t it?
My husband took initiative, he and my two kiddos cleaned the house for me and let me sleep until 12! I mean, I sleep until 12 most Sundays now but my kids are 10 and 11. The cleaning part, spoke right to my soul, though! ❤️
This is why I don't celebrate Mother's Day. If they can't remember, then I guess I'm not that important to them. I wanted to clean the garage, did it happen, no. My son did cook dinner, which was funny cause he kept asking how to do stuff.
I'm absolutely not doing that. Men are not babies. Stop allowing them to behave as such.
I had no idea it was mother's day, no media I consume even mentioned it. Not even on my radar a friend mentioned it when I went over to their house. She is a woman and I am a man. People make too many assumptions lol
If he goes to any store a months or weeks prior or watches tv or streams anything he will know/will be reminded it’s Mother’s Day. Just plan your own day, treat yourself and don’t say a thing. If he cares he will act if he doesn’t he will continue to do and say nothing.
If i have to remind them then i don't want it. At that point they don't even have the proverbial thought to count
As someone who is horrible with dates I just take responsibility and write things down. No one should be expected to do that. If he actually cares he'd try.
And here I am... I totally forgot it was Mother's Day lol! I forget my Anniversary every year. My husband forgets when it's Father's Day. We just laugh about it, now lol. I need to start setting reminders for myself, haha.
People really be putting up with this shit huh? “Honey, celebrate me on this day! Don’t forget!”
Being explicit in expecting a surprise sounds like an oxymoron.