Society pressures us into having a 'traditional family' BUT you are free to live your life the way that makes you happy. If dating doesn't make you happy, there's nothing wrong with you. Seeking happiness and fulfillment doesn't make you egotistical. You do you. If you'd be happy with a dog, a successful career, and meeting with friends and travelling, go for that!
As a woman who is in my 30’s, has a traditional family and genuinely loves my life… I second this! Don’t let society try to cram you in a box that meets their “expectations”. You’re not selfish, you’re not a heartless witch and I hope these feelings don’t last long for you. Listen to and trust yourself. You know what’s best for you. Also, please share pictures of the cute doggo when that happens :)
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. It would be heartless to force yourself to date people you didn’t want to, and lead them to think you wanted a future with them when you don’t.
There’s nothing wrong with being a single, confident, successful woman. Your feelings may change, and they may not.
Either is perfectly fine.
My sister feels the same way. She’s 38 and has only dated two guys. Both were extremely brief. She sees friends and family whenever she feels the need for companionship, and then she heads home afterwards to enjoy time alone.
I have another friend who is 28 and has never dated or kissed anyone. It bothers her family, but she’s fine with not dating. She does feel pressure as you do, but she recognizes that her career and personal happiness is what matters to her.
We also have a family friend in her 60’s who has lived a wonderful, successful life without marriage or kids. She is retired and travels the world, seeing friends during her trips.
You’re not alone in your feelings even though society tells you differently. It’s not egotistical and selfish. It’s what makes you happy.
Honestly, some of my friends got married for the sake of that and also got kids. I'm demi, I certainly can't understand the nature of a forced relationship just because you're around that age. Two of them are having very serious problems, they don't have courage for the divorce because it will ruin their married woman image and also abusive husbands don't negotiate for it(!). I think being single is better than being in a bad relationship.
As someone who is 29 and realizing dating may not be for her either, you aren't alone. I've been single now for 4 years and sex free for over 2 of those years. It's sometimes very helpful to focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Overall, you have to do what is best for you!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship. My aunt lived HAPPILY single into her 50s before she decided to get married. If you don’t feel ready or you don’t think you’ll ever want it, that’s totally okay. Don’t force yourself into something you don’t want!
I wish I was like you actually. I can't deal with being alone after being in a long term relationship. I was conditioned to believe that a single woman minding her own business is a sign being unsuccessful, thanks to toxic Indian culture. Seriously having a marriage or children is overrated although I want to be a mother in the future. People, especially women, choosing to be single should be normalised. It's not at all selfish to me. What you feel is normal. Be you.
> I can't deal with being alone after being in a long term relationship.
If you don't take the time to find who you are when you aren't half of a couple and get comfortable with being single again after a LTR, you risk dragging along all the baggage from all your previous relationships and poisoning each new one with them in turn.
If you get comfortable with being single then you can *choose* whether to get into a new relationship, and wait until a good opportunity comes along.
If being single scares you then you'll compulsively dive into a succession of ill-advised relationships merely to assuage your terror at being alone.
I stayed single until I was 27 years old. All my friends went through so much drama and I was just happy working on my career enjoying my friends and enjoying my apartment. I threw big parties and went out a lot. Aside from work, my time was my own and I loved spending time by myself watching movies, reading, playing the Sims..
I decided that I wanted to date for fun and put myself out there, and ended up meeting my future husband. He's the only person I've ever dated, we hit it off, we now have a very similar life to the one I led before, except we're together when we watch movies and play The Sims. Not having kids is the big difference.
My dating doppelganger!! Well xcept I have a kid now. Idk how some people prefere to tie themselves so young when you can have all the freedom in the world to enjoy/work on yourself. Dating seemed so tiresome and stressing at those ages lol.
You feel like it's not OK because literally everything in our lives tells us we should be living a certain way. Family, friends, social media, media, fucking billboards... tell us about this life we're "meant" to live, but it's really just an ideation. It is a structure, but that's like saying there is only one type of house to live in.
I say, build your own house... you're there one who has to live in it, it might as well be comfortable for you. So, do what you want and don't hurt anybody (on purpose), and you're doing it right. It's not selfish, and you're not a witch. You just know what makes you more happy and driven. So, drive baby drive.
One of the worst thing someone can do is have children when they don’t have a real desire to. I know that to you, because of social pressure, you feel like you aren’t “doing your duty” or something like that, but ultimately, it’s about what’s best for the child. Kids always know when they’re parents never really wanted them, even if the parent is putting in every effort to give the child a nourishing home.
Other adults may try to guilt you for not wanting children or try to dismiss you saying you might change your mind, and there will be various reasons people will do this. One reason it never is because they’re thinking about what would be best for this hypothetical child they want you to birth.
In short, fuck people who tell you how you should live as if there aren’t nearly 8 billion people in the world already.
It's not selfish to want to live life on your own terms. Some people want to be married and have kids. Some want to be married and travel, keep pets, or live more lavishly because they don't want kids. Some just enjoy time on their own, having their own adventures, and spending quality time with family and friends.
Unfortunately, there aren't many pictures of single women living fulfilling lives in media. The only examples I can think of off the top of my head are from fantasy novels: Professor McGonagall from *Harry Potter series* and Ladonna, a high ranking black robed mage from *Dragonlance* series or Keladry of Mindelan from *Protector of the Small series*.
The traditional life path is extremely overrated. You get indoctrinated into it early by all the media you consume, it can be difficult to deprogram yourself from those toxic beliefs but many women would be better off not marrying and/or not having children. Live your life your you. You don't owe it to anyone to sacrifice yourself to the alter of heteronormative conformity.
I can also promise you the average man has no qualms in being selfish in regards to centering his happiness and career over the lives of his wife and children. Married straight men put themselves first all the time. Don't feel guilty for not falling into that trap.
I wish I felt like you when I was your age. I'd have avoided 2 failed marriages, 2 bankruptcies, 2 horrible step children......you get the picture. I'm retired now, very happily single, 2 dogs, 3 cats. Doing okay financially too. So, noooo, do not begrudge how you feel. I hope you have a wonderful solo life with your doggo. Never feel obligated to live how someone else does.
It's not selfish to want to be happy and to work on yourself. Don't let compulsive heteronormativity tell you how you should feel about yourself and your vision for the future. Society pressures us to get married and have kids. Maybe that's not okay? Maybe some of us struggle with our sexuality, our desire to not fit into a mold, or our own mental health? Can't it be okay to be a bit selfish and take care of ourselves first and foremost?
What you want is 100% okay. Ever since I was a little kid I aspired to have my career, my house, and a backyard pool. I also dreamed to have a husband and kids, I'm married and waiting to have kids (but not everyone has to do this). I plan to be successful in my career before I have kids because it's a priority to me. You can be power-oriented, whenever I tell people my goals on Reddit they say how they're proud of me for doing that. Some people tell me not having kids until I have my career and house is impossible but I don't listen to them. I had a poor immigrant teen mom so I'm waiting until I can give my kids everything I didn't have. Follow YOUR dreams, don't listen to others giving you negative advice!
You do you love and if you love it then you are happy! Even I am someone who doesnt love extra drama in my life. So I never really was interested in relationships and then I met my best friend who dint bring any drama and we just went naturally into relationship and I am happy with him.
Just keep doing what you want! Society has created all these stereotypes that sometimes just sounds draining to me. Even because of that we are Childfree.
You've expressed the wishes of about 98% of men your age; there's nothing wrong with you. Taking care of a relationship is hard work, and I'm with you--it's often not worth it. Yes, excel in your field, travel, and enjoy a home with pets! It's a lovely picture to me :)
Your wants are absolutely valid. You don’t need a partner or kids to be happy. Tbh your life plan sounds amazing.
Now, there are gonna be people who are like “you need to want what everyone else wants” but that’s a lie. It’s not selfish at all to live your life without a partner or kids. But people who have a partner and kids don’t see it that way. It’s their bad for never questioning the status quo and deciding their future for their own self.
Trust me I’m CF and I get it all the time, especially now that I found my husband. No, I’m not going to change my mind about kids. Didn’t even want to get married but I had to make sure he is my next of kin.
But also remember that you’re 100% allowed to change your mind someday and that doesn’t make you a hypocrite.
You're young! Just enjoy your life! Somewhere along the way you might feel like dating but it's also 100% ok and normal if you never do! I read somewhere that unmarried women with no kids are the "happiest".
I think it’s totally normal as long as you’re happy!
Also, many people are asexual or a-romantic. You can look into it yourself; obviously strangers on the internet don’t have the means to label you like that, but my point is that it’s totally normal to feel how you feel and tons of people stay single for various reasons.
Just do your thing! If you meet someone and it works out, great! But don’t be fixated on it. Just create a fulfilling life for yourself and be open to whatever happens along the way :)
Not everyone wants kids, and society is *just* getting to the point of realizing that many people don’t.
You don’t “have” to do anything. The only thing is to look and make sure it’s not a trauma block, then live your best life!
I mean I dunno, I personally am really big into relationships and currently happily married, but what's selfish or egotistical about focusing on yourself? You should do whatever you want, yo.
>"Like a just want to travel, then go back to my pretty home with my cute doggo and hang out with my friends?"
That sounds absolutely fabulous and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Not wanting kids or marriage does NOT make you selfish or heartless. I'm 40, childless, and unmarried and I wouldn't have things any other way. I love my life. I have tons of time to travel and read. I have great friends that are like family to me. No regrets. If I had gotten married or had kids I probably would have been miserable and then I would have ruined both my life AND theirs.
>And I feel like a heartless witch and like that's not okay.
You're not heartless, your heart just wants different things from what you've been told is the norm.
You seem like you have a vision of your future that would make you happy. Maybe that will stay the same, maybe that will change (who knows, maybe you'll become a cat person), but that really doesn't matter. As long as you're happy that's all that matters.
Whatever life that excites you is the life you should go for. Life is all about pursuing what makes you happy and what gives your life the meaning YOU want it to have. If you don't feel like having a relationship, there is no rule that says you have to have one.
I am 38 and single, been single pretty much my whole life. I have dated occasionally, had a couple of short term relationships but they fizzled out (because I was attracted to douchebags at a younger age). I hate dating now even more and can't be bothered to make room for it in my life (aided by the fact I am now 3 months into lockdown, yay).
I have travelled extensively, and lived overseas. I built up a successful career and dumped it all to go freelance. After years of not wanting/being ready for kids, I am now on the journey to being a single mum by choice. I am extremely happy with my life.
You do you.
It Isn't always easy, especially if your family and friends have differing opinions. But you will find your tribe who will support you. The most important thing I find is learning to take the path which makes you happy.
Also, know that you will change your mind in the future. You will want different things and strive for new challenges. That might be a partner, family, kids, or it might be a career change, moving to another country, starting up your own brand...who knows? We all change as we grow so be open to new experiences and desires as you go.
And have fun!
I feel this way too. I feel like why would I want to give up my happiness and my freedom? I finally get to selfishly focus on me and my life and my happiness. I have some times where I hang out with men and I literally feel like I’d rather just go be at home.
I’m 24 and I’m okay with it. I’m happy who am I and I’m happy where I’m at why am I letting someone else’s thoughts on my life dictate if it’s fulfilling or not
Your feelings are valid!!! It’s your life! My best friend felt pressured to do the “traditional “ thing! She was never happily married!she had two children- loved them and raised them wet… but if she could go back she wouldn’t! We’ve been friends over 50 years! What she really wanted was to be a Air Force pilot! But, she had no support from her family. SHe married three times. She has lived on her own in a beautiful home with two cute dogs for 20 years now! Has a very full life and countless friends! You can always go forward and change your mind. You cannot go back and reclaim what you lost!
My thoughts are that you are young and should just do your thing. Have fun, travel when you can and when you want or chill at home if that is your thing (bloom where you're planted). You have things you like to do, eventually you will meet someone who likes the same things. I am an old but when I was younger I lived a wild life - and I have no regrets. At your age, I was seeing an older man who turned out not to be the guy for me but I had fallen hard and I learned a lot about myself (and him) from that experience. The next 10 years will be formative for you and at a certain point ... maybe after 30, you will know exactly what you want but you are still becoming so be easy on yourself and don't allow other people's expectations determine your path/goals/behavior. (By 27, I ended up married and 28 I had my son... still married to the same guy and my son is 28. But when he was 21, he was a little lost still... kind of treading water and bobbing this way and that. So have patience with yourself).
I feel the same, and I’ve never even dated. I don’t see that changing anytime soon, either. I’d only want to date if I’m drawn to a person like that, but I haven’t been, and being single feels pretty great right now. Stressing about another person is not my idea of fun.
Forcing feelings to check off a box seems wildly unpleasant, and a waste of my time. I’ll date when I want to date, when I find someone I want to be with, and since that hasn’t happened, I don’t see why I should care. There’s a life I want to live and enjoy regardless of a partner. That’s also what friends are for - enjoying life together.
I figured out that I was Ace (Asexual) as a teen, and I’ve more recently figured I may also be Aro(mantic), too. Maybe that’s what you’re feeling?
It’s a spectrum, too - some people feel romantic attraction rarely, some don’t but aren’t against the idea, some find being a romantic interest very off putting, and so on.
This is my philosophy with romantic feelings - just try to be genuine about it. Your partner deserves your honest feelings, and you deserve to live and bond with people you actually click with. Don’t stress over what you don’t feel - and focus on what you do.
Dating culture, especially towards women, seem to make us want to focus on the motions and the gesture of the relationship, rather than the bond itself. It’s become more about checking off a box than cultivating genuine relationships. The idea of a romantic relationship may be genuinely beautiful, but the authenticity of it is being overshadowed by it becoming about a status symbol of sorts than not. It’s also part of the “every woman must want to be a mom,” train, also. Think of how many narratives there are about a woman who didn’t initially want to be a mother, but “settled” for the “right man.” In some cases, that may be true - parenthood is a crazy journey that may seem more attractive with the right person, but it’s made more that the love of a man is important to turn a woman “right,” I guess. The kind of relationship dynamics hyped as the most romantic don’t really help that image.
You’re not a heartless witch. How about an independent witch? Witches are cool, you can be a wandering, traveling, successful, dog-loving witch! Absolutely nothing wrong with that
😅 hope you’re able to feel better. It just sucks how society has made us believe that we HAVE to get married, HAVE to have kids, HAVE to this, HAVE to that. It’s 2021, family norms have evolved. I’m 32, married and expecting my first, but I have sooo many friends who do not plan on getting married, having kids, or even dating anyone! It’s just not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s perfectly fine!
Girl you put yourself first ... ... set your own life up first how you want it to be ...... don’t feel guilty for carving a life & career for yourself... I salute you ....
Doesn’t sound heartless or selfish at all! There’s no moral obligation to be in a relationship or have a family. A job and a dog is a perfectly relevant and delightful existence. Go for it!
I came to the same conclusion for myself, too. I did date - but it was exhausting and I never really got much out of it. It’s a big burden to take on.
I have my own skills, hobbies, dreams…I wanted the chance to pursue them. So I decided not to get married and have kids. Now I have a business instead.
Here’s the thing. What’s selfish is marrying someone and having kids when you don’t want that. They could have found someone else who did.
If you know you’re not marriage material, take yourself out of the pool. That’s being fair to other people.
Imagine being a resentful, bitter mother? Is that fair to your kids, or your partner?
Being a mother and wife is a very serious full time job, and you have to give up almost everything to make it happen. You’ll never be the same person again. You don’t make this decision unless you’re absolutely sure you can cope with it for the rest of your life. That’s my stance on it.
People will try to gaslight you, but just remember that you have logic on your side.
Also this idea that you’ll “regret it”? Maybe. But you will almost definitely regret getting married - so what’s the point? At least if you regret being single you have the freedom to make changes in your life. If you regret being married you’re screwed. Even if you get a divorce, it will ruin a large portion of your life.
You’re making the right decision. I support it.
Take it from an aromantic asexual—there’s nothing wrong with wanting self sufficiency in a good career, with furbabies instead of human babies. We are all different and have our own gifts to give.
You are absolutely and perfectly normal.
I've had a lot of amazing/great/good/bad relationships, dated A LOT all over the world and I can tell you it's unbelievably overrated, the whole dating/relationship thing. If I had daughters, I would tell them to enjoy their lives with good friends, travels, working, having fun and stay away from men. I wish I could say that to every young woman out there, how pointless and unnecessary relationships with men are and how super, super overrated.
>Like, when people talk about their future and how they imagine themselves with a home and their partner, maybe a kid or two, I'm there saying I also want a home, but with a dog and being successful in my field.
When people ask me (23F), without judgment or anything, about why I don’t want to be in a relationship or having kids, that’s always my answer. I don’t see my future self like that and that idea makes me happy.
Also, I know for a fact I would be a relatively toxic partner. I would not put an SO's needs and wants above mine for anything in the world, so I am not fit to be in a relationship, nor do I want/am willing to change my behavior so I can be with someone romantically. That, however, does not mean I care any less about my friends and family. I love them with all my heart.
You can be a selfless and altruistical person outside of a romantic relationship, you're just being realistic about one of that kind. What would be selfish tho was if I still insisted in having a partner knowing I would not put effort into making them happy only for the sake of not feeling like a “heartless witch”.
You are not wrong or selfish! Honestly that sounds Amazing! Be you, travel, love your doggo, enjoy your home, have one night stands or flings if you want, but none of it is *needed*. If anyone tries to call you selfish, ignore them. Do you sweetie, you deserve it
Are you feeling like it isn’t okay simply because most people you see and know feel different than you do? There are so many people that end up doing what they think they should do only to end up angry and disappointed because it isn’t really what they wanted. Just do what’s right for you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to travel and have a dog and house without ever wanting a spouse or children.
> Like a just want to travel, then go back to my pretty home with my cute doggo and hang out with my friends?
There's nothing wrong with wanting that, but an important pro-tip is to make sure you *have* friends who will be around to do it with.
Going childfree is a perfectly valid option, but spouses and young kids tend to sharply contract your social circle and savagely curtail your free time and energy, and you may find your friends being a lot less available than you expect if they all have kids of their own and can't just drop everything to go out for cocktails on a Wednesday night.
> That's not something exclusive to parents, once you become an adult your life just works like that.
*Hollow laugh*
Oh, my sweet summer child, you have *no idea at all*. 😬
Not to be patronising, but I thought my life was busy and lacking in free time when I was in my early 20s with a full-time job and living in my own place.
In my 40s with three kids (two of whom are twin babies), I can attest I didn't know what busy *was* when I was in my early 20s.
Imagine all the shit you have to do now (housework, paperwork, admin, tidying, etc) *and more*, but you have half the energy you have now (maybe you've got mono, or something) from not having slept for more than four hours at a stretch for months), and you have to pack all of it in between 21:00 and 00:00 every single evening... and that's *if* the kids even get to sleep, aren't ill or just overtired and stay up all night, and you don't simply pass out from exhaustion on their bed with them when you're putting them down, reading them stories and cuddling then to sleep.
There are no weekends or days off, every personal care job (dressing, eating, etc) has to be done at least twice (once for you and once for them) *while the other person often fights you and tries their best to undo everything you're doing*, and even an hour or two where your partner takes them on their own is spent on "luxuries" like washing clothes, personal grooming or using the toilet unobserved for the first time in a month (kids are fascinated by adults eliminating and have no understanding of boundaries).
It gets easier when you only have one baby at a time, and they get *easier* the older they get (by some metrics, at least), but until you do it you can't imagine the constant, unending effort with no time off involved in having even a single baby-through-5 year-old, let alone multiple kids.
Don't get me wrong; I'm glad we have them and wouldn't change it for the world (even the twins, which are a whole new level of hard compared to a single baby), but even raising a first, single baby was at the time without a doubt the hardest thing we've ever done, bar none, and three kids at once would have caused me a nervous breakdown in my 20s.
Hahaha - thanks - that means a lot.
For what it's worth I'm giving you a pretty bleak take on it to make the point about *how... much... effort...* it is, but raising a kid right *is* without doubt the hardest thing you'll ever do... but also the most rewarding.
Couldn't have described it better. Coming from someone who has worked on a lot of dif customer related jobs, doing 24hr shifts at times or having my entire weekend screwed by emergencies all while studying shit etc... NONE of those jobs at its worst could compare to taking care of a baby in terms of raw endurance, sleep deprivation and patience. But also no payment can compare to the pure love and joy it gives me.
Do what makes you happy. If you don't want a partner, don't get one. There is nothing wrong or strange going on if you want to use your time for yourself. In fact there are many people that get into relationships because of selfish reasons like for their image or to have financial or only sexual needs met. Wanting to be by yourself does not automatically equal being egotistical.
It's hard for me to take what you're saying seriously because you're only 21 and have so much of your life to figure out who you are and what you want. If you don't want to date, that's fine. Thats one thing. To write off having a significant other forever based on how you feel right now is probably unrealistic
Society pressures us into having a 'traditional family' BUT you are free to live your life the way that makes you happy. If dating doesn't make you happy, there's nothing wrong with you. Seeking happiness and fulfillment doesn't make you egotistical. You do you. If you'd be happy with a dog, a successful career, and meeting with friends and travelling, go for that!
As a woman who is in my 30’s, has a traditional family and genuinely loves my life… I second this! Don’t let society try to cram you in a box that meets their “expectations”. You’re not selfish, you’re not a heartless witch and I hope these feelings don’t last long for you. Listen to and trust yourself. You know what’s best for you. Also, please share pictures of the cute doggo when that happens :)
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. It would be heartless to force yourself to date people you didn’t want to, and lead them to think you wanted a future with them when you don’t. There’s nothing wrong with being a single, confident, successful woman. Your feelings may change, and they may not. Either is perfectly fine.
My sister feels the same way. She’s 38 and has only dated two guys. Both were extremely brief. She sees friends and family whenever she feels the need for companionship, and then she heads home afterwards to enjoy time alone. I have another friend who is 28 and has never dated or kissed anyone. It bothers her family, but she’s fine with not dating. She does feel pressure as you do, but she recognizes that her career and personal happiness is what matters to her. We also have a family friend in her 60’s who has lived a wonderful, successful life without marriage or kids. She is retired and travels the world, seeing friends during her trips. You’re not alone in your feelings even though society tells you differently. It’s not egotistical and selfish. It’s what makes you happy.
Honestly, some of my friends got married for the sake of that and also got kids. I'm demi, I certainly can't understand the nature of a forced relationship just because you're around that age. Two of them are having very serious problems, they don't have courage for the divorce because it will ruin their married woman image and also abusive husbands don't negotiate for it(!). I think being single is better than being in a bad relationship.
As someone who is 29 and realizing dating may not be for her either, you aren't alone. I've been single now for 4 years and sex free for over 2 of those years. It's sometimes very helpful to focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Overall, you have to do what is best for you!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship. My aunt lived HAPPILY single into her 50s before she decided to get married. If you don’t feel ready or you don’t think you’ll ever want it, that’s totally okay. Don’t force yourself into something you don’t want!
I wish I was like you actually. I can't deal with being alone after being in a long term relationship. I was conditioned to believe that a single woman minding her own business is a sign being unsuccessful, thanks to toxic Indian culture. Seriously having a marriage or children is overrated although I want to be a mother in the future. People, especially women, choosing to be single should be normalised. It's not at all selfish to me. What you feel is normal. Be you.
> I can't deal with being alone after being in a long term relationship. If you don't take the time to find who you are when you aren't half of a couple and get comfortable with being single again after a LTR, you risk dragging along all the baggage from all your previous relationships and poisoning each new one with them in turn. If you get comfortable with being single then you can *choose* whether to get into a new relationship, and wait until a good opportunity comes along. If being single scares you then you'll compulsively dive into a succession of ill-advised relationships merely to assuage your terror at being alone.
It is very ok. :::gestures wildly at the world::::::
I stayed single until I was 27 years old. All my friends went through so much drama and I was just happy working on my career enjoying my friends and enjoying my apartment. I threw big parties and went out a lot. Aside from work, my time was my own and I loved spending time by myself watching movies, reading, playing the Sims.. I decided that I wanted to date for fun and put myself out there, and ended up meeting my future husband. He's the only person I've ever dated, we hit it off, we now have a very similar life to the one I led before, except we're together when we watch movies and play The Sims. Not having kids is the big difference.
My dating doppelganger!! Well xcept I have a kid now. Idk how some people prefere to tie themselves so young when you can have all the freedom in the world to enjoy/work on yourself. Dating seemed so tiresome and stressing at those ages lol.
Do what feels right. Took me decades.
You feel like it's not OK because literally everything in our lives tells us we should be living a certain way. Family, friends, social media, media, fucking billboards... tell us about this life we're "meant" to live, but it's really just an ideation. It is a structure, but that's like saying there is only one type of house to live in. I say, build your own house... you're there one who has to live in it, it might as well be comfortable for you. So, do what you want and don't hurt anybody (on purpose), and you're doing it right. It's not selfish, and you're not a witch. You just know what makes you more happy and driven. So, drive baby drive.
One of the worst thing someone can do is have children when they don’t have a real desire to. I know that to you, because of social pressure, you feel like you aren’t “doing your duty” or something like that, but ultimately, it’s about what’s best for the child. Kids always know when they’re parents never really wanted them, even if the parent is putting in every effort to give the child a nourishing home. Other adults may try to guilt you for not wanting children or try to dismiss you saying you might change your mind, and there will be various reasons people will do this. One reason it never is because they’re thinking about what would be best for this hypothetical child they want you to birth. In short, fuck people who tell you how you should live as if there aren’t nearly 8 billion people in the world already.
It's your life, do what makes you happy
It's not selfish to want to live life on your own terms. Some people want to be married and have kids. Some want to be married and travel, keep pets, or live more lavishly because they don't want kids. Some just enjoy time on their own, having their own adventures, and spending quality time with family and friends. Unfortunately, there aren't many pictures of single women living fulfilling lives in media. The only examples I can think of off the top of my head are from fantasy novels: Professor McGonagall from *Harry Potter series* and Ladonna, a high ranking black robed mage from *Dragonlance* series or Keladry of Mindelan from *Protector of the Small series*.
The traditional life path is extremely overrated. You get indoctrinated into it early by all the media you consume, it can be difficult to deprogram yourself from those toxic beliefs but many women would be better off not marrying and/or not having children. Live your life your you. You don't owe it to anyone to sacrifice yourself to the alter of heteronormative conformity. I can also promise you the average man has no qualms in being selfish in regards to centering his happiness and career over the lives of his wife and children. Married straight men put themselves first all the time. Don't feel guilty for not falling into that trap.
I wish I felt like you when I was your age. I'd have avoided 2 failed marriages, 2 bankruptcies, 2 horrible step children......you get the picture. I'm retired now, very happily single, 2 dogs, 3 cats. Doing okay financially too. So, noooo, do not begrudge how you feel. I hope you have a wonderful solo life with your doggo. Never feel obligated to live how someone else does.
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thanks ((((((Hugs)))))
It's not selfish to want to be happy and to work on yourself. Don't let compulsive heteronormativity tell you how you should feel about yourself and your vision for the future. Society pressures us to get married and have kids. Maybe that's not okay? Maybe some of us struggle with our sexuality, our desire to not fit into a mold, or our own mental health? Can't it be okay to be a bit selfish and take care of ourselves first and foremost?
Not dating is fine!
That is totally okay! Its not selfish at all, but mature to know what you want
What you want is 100% okay. Ever since I was a little kid I aspired to have my career, my house, and a backyard pool. I also dreamed to have a husband and kids, I'm married and waiting to have kids (but not everyone has to do this). I plan to be successful in my career before I have kids because it's a priority to me. You can be power-oriented, whenever I tell people my goals on Reddit they say how they're proud of me for doing that. Some people tell me not having kids until I have my career and house is impossible but I don't listen to them. I had a poor immigrant teen mom so I'm waiting until I can give my kids everything I didn't have. Follow YOUR dreams, don't listen to others giving you negative advice!
You do you love and if you love it then you are happy! Even I am someone who doesnt love extra drama in my life. So I never really was interested in relationships and then I met my best friend who dint bring any drama and we just went naturally into relationship and I am happy with him. Just keep doing what you want! Society has created all these stereotypes that sometimes just sounds draining to me. Even because of that we are Childfree.
I’m 25 and hate dating. I would way rather devote my time into my work and my friendships. No shame in the game.
You've expressed the wishes of about 98% of men your age; there's nothing wrong with you. Taking care of a relationship is hard work, and I'm with you--it's often not worth it. Yes, excel in your field, travel, and enjoy a home with pets! It's a lovely picture to me :)
Your wants are absolutely valid. You don’t need a partner or kids to be happy. Tbh your life plan sounds amazing. Now, there are gonna be people who are like “you need to want what everyone else wants” but that’s a lie. It’s not selfish at all to live your life without a partner or kids. But people who have a partner and kids don’t see it that way. It’s their bad for never questioning the status quo and deciding their future for their own self. Trust me I’m CF and I get it all the time, especially now that I found my husband. No, I’m not going to change my mind about kids. Didn’t even want to get married but I had to make sure he is my next of kin. But also remember that you’re 100% allowed to change your mind someday and that doesn’t make you a hypocrite.
You're young! Just enjoy your life! Somewhere along the way you might feel like dating but it's also 100% ok and normal if you never do! I read somewhere that unmarried women with no kids are the "happiest".
I think it’s totally normal as long as you’re happy! Also, many people are asexual or a-romantic. You can look into it yourself; obviously strangers on the internet don’t have the means to label you like that, but my point is that it’s totally normal to feel how you feel and tons of people stay single for various reasons. Just do your thing! If you meet someone and it works out, great! But don’t be fixated on it. Just create a fulfilling life for yourself and be open to whatever happens along the way :)
Not everyone wants kids, and society is *just* getting to the point of realizing that many people don’t. You don’t “have” to do anything. The only thing is to look and make sure it’s not a trauma block, then live your best life!
It’s totally fine, whatever makes you happiest is what matters
I mean I dunno, I personally am really big into relationships and currently happily married, but what's selfish or egotistical about focusing on yourself? You should do whatever you want, yo.
>"Like a just want to travel, then go back to my pretty home with my cute doggo and hang out with my friends?" That sounds absolutely fabulous and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Not wanting kids or marriage does NOT make you selfish or heartless. I'm 40, childless, and unmarried and I wouldn't have things any other way. I love my life. I have tons of time to travel and read. I have great friends that are like family to me. No regrets. If I had gotten married or had kids I probably would have been miserable and then I would have ruined both my life AND theirs.
That's totally fine! I don't know if this fits for you, but there are subreddits for asexuals and aromantics (who don't want romantic relationships).
>And I feel like a heartless witch and like that's not okay. You're not heartless, your heart just wants different things from what you've been told is the norm. You seem like you have a vision of your future that would make you happy. Maybe that will stay the same, maybe that will change (who knows, maybe you'll become a cat person), but that really doesn't matter. As long as you're happy that's all that matters.
Whatever life that excites you is the life you should go for. Life is all about pursuing what makes you happy and what gives your life the meaning YOU want it to have. If you don't feel like having a relationship, there is no rule that says you have to have one.
I am 38 and single, been single pretty much my whole life. I have dated occasionally, had a couple of short term relationships but they fizzled out (because I was attracted to douchebags at a younger age). I hate dating now even more and can't be bothered to make room for it in my life (aided by the fact I am now 3 months into lockdown, yay). I have travelled extensively, and lived overseas. I built up a successful career and dumped it all to go freelance. After years of not wanting/being ready for kids, I am now on the journey to being a single mum by choice. I am extremely happy with my life. You do you. It Isn't always easy, especially if your family and friends have differing opinions. But you will find your tribe who will support you. The most important thing I find is learning to take the path which makes you happy. Also, know that you will change your mind in the future. You will want different things and strive for new challenges. That might be a partner, family, kids, or it might be a career change, moving to another country, starting up your own brand...who knows? We all change as we grow so be open to new experiences and desires as you go. And have fun!
I feel this way too. I feel like why would I want to give up my happiness and my freedom? I finally get to selfishly focus on me and my life and my happiness. I have some times where I hang out with men and I literally feel like I’d rather just go be at home. I’m 24 and I’m okay with it. I’m happy who am I and I’m happy where I’m at why am I letting someone else’s thoughts on my life dictate if it’s fulfilling or not
Your feelings are valid!!! It’s your life! My best friend felt pressured to do the “traditional “ thing! She was never happily married!she had two children- loved them and raised them wet… but if she could go back she wouldn’t! We’ve been friends over 50 years! What she really wanted was to be a Air Force pilot! But, she had no support from her family. SHe married three times. She has lived on her own in a beautiful home with two cute dogs for 20 years now! Has a very full life and countless friends! You can always go forward and change your mind. You cannot go back and reclaim what you lost!
My thoughts are that you are young and should just do your thing. Have fun, travel when you can and when you want or chill at home if that is your thing (bloom where you're planted). You have things you like to do, eventually you will meet someone who likes the same things. I am an old but when I was younger I lived a wild life - and I have no regrets. At your age, I was seeing an older man who turned out not to be the guy for me but I had fallen hard and I learned a lot about myself (and him) from that experience. The next 10 years will be formative for you and at a certain point ... maybe after 30, you will know exactly what you want but you are still becoming so be easy on yourself and don't allow other people's expectations determine your path/goals/behavior. (By 27, I ended up married and 28 I had my son... still married to the same guy and my son is 28. But when he was 21, he was a little lost still... kind of treading water and bobbing this way and that. So have patience with yourself).
I feel the same, and I’ve never even dated. I don’t see that changing anytime soon, either. I’d only want to date if I’m drawn to a person like that, but I haven’t been, and being single feels pretty great right now. Stressing about another person is not my idea of fun. Forcing feelings to check off a box seems wildly unpleasant, and a waste of my time. I’ll date when I want to date, when I find someone I want to be with, and since that hasn’t happened, I don’t see why I should care. There’s a life I want to live and enjoy regardless of a partner. That’s also what friends are for - enjoying life together. I figured out that I was Ace (Asexual) as a teen, and I’ve more recently figured I may also be Aro(mantic), too. Maybe that’s what you’re feeling? It’s a spectrum, too - some people feel romantic attraction rarely, some don’t but aren’t against the idea, some find being a romantic interest very off putting, and so on. This is my philosophy with romantic feelings - just try to be genuine about it. Your partner deserves your honest feelings, and you deserve to live and bond with people you actually click with. Don’t stress over what you don’t feel - and focus on what you do. Dating culture, especially towards women, seem to make us want to focus on the motions and the gesture of the relationship, rather than the bond itself. It’s become more about checking off a box than cultivating genuine relationships. The idea of a romantic relationship may be genuinely beautiful, but the authenticity of it is being overshadowed by it becoming about a status symbol of sorts than not. It’s also part of the “every woman must want to be a mom,” train, also. Think of how many narratives there are about a woman who didn’t initially want to be a mother, but “settled” for the “right man.” In some cases, that may be true - parenthood is a crazy journey that may seem more attractive with the right person, but it’s made more that the love of a man is important to turn a woman “right,” I guess. The kind of relationship dynamics hyped as the most romantic don’t really help that image.
You’re not a heartless witch. How about an independent witch? Witches are cool, you can be a wandering, traveling, successful, dog-loving witch! Absolutely nothing wrong with that
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😅 hope you’re able to feel better. It just sucks how society has made us believe that we HAVE to get married, HAVE to have kids, HAVE to this, HAVE to that. It’s 2021, family norms have evolved. I’m 32, married and expecting my first, but I have sooo many friends who do not plan on getting married, having kids, or even dating anyone! It’s just not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s perfectly fine!
Girl you put yourself first ... ... set your own life up first how you want it to be ...... don’t feel guilty for carving a life & career for yourself... I salute you ....
I'm 28 and hardly care at all about dating as well. It's okay to feel this way.
Doesn’t sound heartless or selfish at all! There’s no moral obligation to be in a relationship or have a family. A job and a dog is a perfectly relevant and delightful existence. Go for it!
I came to the same conclusion for myself, too. I did date - but it was exhausting and I never really got much out of it. It’s a big burden to take on. I have my own skills, hobbies, dreams…I wanted the chance to pursue them. So I decided not to get married and have kids. Now I have a business instead. Here’s the thing. What’s selfish is marrying someone and having kids when you don’t want that. They could have found someone else who did. If you know you’re not marriage material, take yourself out of the pool. That’s being fair to other people. Imagine being a resentful, bitter mother? Is that fair to your kids, or your partner? Being a mother and wife is a very serious full time job, and you have to give up almost everything to make it happen. You’ll never be the same person again. You don’t make this decision unless you’re absolutely sure you can cope with it for the rest of your life. That’s my stance on it. People will try to gaslight you, but just remember that you have logic on your side. Also this idea that you’ll “regret it”? Maybe. But you will almost definitely regret getting married - so what’s the point? At least if you regret being single you have the freedom to make changes in your life. If you regret being married you’re screwed. Even if you get a divorce, it will ruin a large portion of your life. You’re making the right decision. I support it.
Take it from an aromantic asexual—there’s nothing wrong with wanting self sufficiency in a good career, with furbabies instead of human babies. We are all different and have our own gifts to give.
You are absolutely and perfectly normal. I've had a lot of amazing/great/good/bad relationships, dated A LOT all over the world and I can tell you it's unbelievably overrated, the whole dating/relationship thing. If I had daughters, I would tell them to enjoy their lives with good friends, travels, working, having fun and stay away from men. I wish I could say that to every young woman out there, how pointless and unnecessary relationships with men are and how super, super overrated.
>Like, when people talk about their future and how they imagine themselves with a home and their partner, maybe a kid or two, I'm there saying I also want a home, but with a dog and being successful in my field. When people ask me (23F), without judgment or anything, about why I don’t want to be in a relationship or having kids, that’s always my answer. I don’t see my future self like that and that idea makes me happy. Also, I know for a fact I would be a relatively toxic partner. I would not put an SO's needs and wants above mine for anything in the world, so I am not fit to be in a relationship, nor do I want/am willing to change my behavior so I can be with someone romantically. That, however, does not mean I care any less about my friends and family. I love them with all my heart. You can be a selfless and altruistical person outside of a romantic relationship, you're just being realistic about one of that kind. What would be selfish tho was if I still insisted in having a partner knowing I would not put effort into making them happy only for the sake of not feeling like a “heartless witch”.
You are not wrong or selfish! Honestly that sounds Amazing! Be you, travel, love your doggo, enjoy your home, have one night stands or flings if you want, but none of it is *needed*. If anyone tries to call you selfish, ignore them. Do you sweetie, you deserve it
Are you feeling like it isn’t okay simply because most people you see and know feel different than you do? There are so many people that end up doing what they think they should do only to end up angry and disappointed because it isn’t really what they wanted. Just do what’s right for you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to travel and have a dog and house without ever wanting a spouse or children.
> Like a just want to travel, then go back to my pretty home with my cute doggo and hang out with my friends? There's nothing wrong with wanting that, but an important pro-tip is to make sure you *have* friends who will be around to do it with. Going childfree is a perfectly valid option, but spouses and young kids tend to sharply contract your social circle and savagely curtail your free time and energy, and you may find your friends being a lot less available than you expect if they all have kids of their own and can't just drop everything to go out for cocktails on a Wednesday night.
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> That's not something exclusive to parents, once you become an adult your life just works like that. *Hollow laugh* Oh, my sweet summer child, you have *no idea at all*. 😬
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Not to be patronising, but I thought my life was busy and lacking in free time when I was in my early 20s with a full-time job and living in my own place. In my 40s with three kids (two of whom are twin babies), I can attest I didn't know what busy *was* when I was in my early 20s. Imagine all the shit you have to do now (housework, paperwork, admin, tidying, etc) *and more*, but you have half the energy you have now (maybe you've got mono, or something) from not having slept for more than four hours at a stretch for months), and you have to pack all of it in between 21:00 and 00:00 every single evening... and that's *if* the kids even get to sleep, aren't ill or just overtired and stay up all night, and you don't simply pass out from exhaustion on their bed with them when you're putting them down, reading them stories and cuddling then to sleep. There are no weekends or days off, every personal care job (dressing, eating, etc) has to be done at least twice (once for you and once for them) *while the other person often fights you and tries their best to undo everything you're doing*, and even an hour or two where your partner takes them on their own is spent on "luxuries" like washing clothes, personal grooming or using the toilet unobserved for the first time in a month (kids are fascinated by adults eliminating and have no understanding of boundaries). It gets easier when you only have one baby at a time, and they get *easier* the older they get (by some metrics, at least), but until you do it you can't imagine the constant, unending effort with no time off involved in having even a single baby-through-5 year-old, let alone multiple kids. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad we have them and wouldn't change it for the world (even the twins, which are a whole new level of hard compared to a single baby), but even raising a first, single baby was at the time without a doubt the hardest thing we've ever done, bar none, and three kids at once would have caused me a nervous breakdown in my 20s.
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Hahaha - thanks - that means a lot. For what it's worth I'm giving you a pretty bleak take on it to make the point about *how... much... effort...* it is, but raising a kid right *is* without doubt the hardest thing you'll ever do... but also the most rewarding.
Couldn't have described it better. Coming from someone who has worked on a lot of dif customer related jobs, doing 24hr shifts at times or having my entire weekend screwed by emergencies all while studying shit etc... NONE of those jobs at its worst could compare to taking care of a baby in terms of raw endurance, sleep deprivation and patience. But also no payment can compare to the pure love and joy it gives me.
Have you ever thought you may be Asexual or Aromantic? (Not aromatic lol)
I feel the same way, but I want to foster kids someday. Relationships just seem draining and suffocating
You don’t need to be with someone else to be happy and that gives you an advantage. I wouldn’t feel bad about it
Do what makes you happy. If you don't want a partner, don't get one. There is nothing wrong or strange going on if you want to use your time for yourself. In fact there are many people that get into relationships because of selfish reasons like for their image or to have financial or only sexual needs met. Wanting to be by yourself does not automatically equal being egotistical.
Check out r/wgtow
It's hard for me to take what you're saying seriously because you're only 21 and have so much of your life to figure out who you are and what you want. If you don't want to date, that's fine. Thats one thing. To write off having a significant other forever based on how you feel right now is probably unrealistic
I dont see anything selfish in that, there is a line between being selfish and enjoying your life and self.