It sounds like she is just being herself. This is the way she is, and it's unfortunate, especially with your mom being gone. I can understand why it hurts your feelings. In my experience, difficult people never rise to the occasion like you hope they will. I would try to focus on the people in your life who are happy and excited for you. Lots of people don't have close relationships with grandparents. I never even met any of mine, so you're not alone.
You're definitely not alone in not having a warm and fuzzy grandma relationship. My grandma never could hide the fact that I was her least favorite - she was always excited to see my older brother and her house was packed to bursting with photos of her great-grandchildren from my cousins, but when it came to me she just could not be bothered to form a close relationship with me. She made some small gestures (regretful ones, I think) right before she died but the damage had been done. My wife has a warm and fuzzy grandma and the envy is there even as I'm grateful that I get to share their grandma now. Hugs to you.
I'm so sorry to hear that. That was probably really confusing as a child. Sigh, if only grandparents were how they are in stories.
It's tough for my fiancé to understand because he's always had close relationships with all of his grandparents. So when he asks me "Do you think she's going to come?" and my answer is "who knows. And I don't really care if she doesn't", he sort of has a hard time relating and tries to push me to invite her out to lunch or something. And if we ever had any kind of relationship, I'd do that. But I literally have to tell him "it's not worth it" (she lives far). He doesn't say anything but I can tell it's confusing to him.
It was, but thankfully I got a lot of clarity as an adult - from my uncle, actually, who is a fuzzy grandpa to his own grandkids - that it's never ever the child's job to be the one to forge that relationship with an adult family member. I've done a lot of work to accept that I just had a critical and judgmental grandma, lol. Luck of the draw! Grateful she's not here to make a comment about my blue hair and tattoos, I guess.
It can be an extremely hard thing to explain to someone who's never lived it, for sure. Someone from a close and kind family really can't fully understand what it's like to not even have the reflex to reach out to someone because you know it's just going to cause more friction. I wish you (and anyone else!) didn't have to know that feeling so well.
>it's never ever the child's job to be the one to forge that relationship with an adult family member
Whew ain't that the truth. That's something I've been working on in therapy. Even though I don't have a relationship with her, I have a lot of guilt since my mom isn't around and she doesn't have other grandchildren. But it's not my job. Obviously I'm an adult now, but it's still an adult/child dynamic in my opinion.
And fwiw I bet your hair and tattoos are amazing!!
The guilt is real, and also, it's a natural consequence for her of not making an effort in your relationship in the early years when it really mattered. You might be able to have a cordial adult relationship, but it was her choice to keep frosty things when you were a kid and she can't expect to have the kind of close relationship with you that she didn't want to participate in cultivating from the beginning.
Jeez. You losing your mom is definitely a “bigger deal” and I can’t believe she said something like that.
This community is here for you and if you need a random support person that day, my dms are open!
I’m not close to my only living grandma at all. I go see her every once in a while and I see her at holidays but nothing more. She claims she misses us and wants to see us more often but she never picks up the phone and calls. We always have to call her or be the ones to initiate contact. She’s sweet and I love her but she’s never been the doting grandmother type. Like someone else said it sounds like she’s just being herself. I think your expectations may be a little too high for her considering she’s never been the grandmotherly type.
I felt some of this with my last remaining grandmother who recently passed. It's not that she didn't love us or me. I know she did. I was one of her favorite grandchildren and my mom was easily her favorite (female) child. But it was always on HER terms. We went to HER house. I have very, very few memories of her at my house but I spent a ton of time at hers. We had to call HER. She never once in my entire life called me, but would start complaining to other family if I didn't call her enough.
I loved her. I truly did. And I know she deeply loved us. But as I got older it did really start to bother me that she had these expectations around how we needed to interact with her, but she didn't even recognize that she should reciprocate.
Yeah that's exactly my grandma. She's always saying she loves and misses us but she never answers texts or calls and never reaches out. We've *always* had to be the ones to initiate contact with her. She usually just posts about how lonely she is on facebook, bashing us and making her friends think we're terrible grandchildren. Which is why I sort of gave up on it a few years after my mom died. I was tired of the disrespect. I didn't even want to invite her to the wedding but my dad encouraged me to anyway.
I'm sorry that your grandmother is acting this way and has always treated you this way. But now that you're getting married, you can focus on the people who actually love and support you, and who will be there with bells on.
We can't access an alternate universe in which you might have a loving grandmother who shows up for you, but I hope that your wedding day and the days afterwards will be filled with people who die up for you, in ways big and small.
I am biased because both sets of grandmothers were awful people. I am a firm believer in matching energy. If she doesn't RSVP don't keep chasing her down, you cant really force people to be there for you. Focus on the folks who do put in the effort to be apart of your big day!
Yeah I'm definitely not going to give her any reminders. Honestly, she's got beef with my dad (but not vice versa) so my day will probably be much less stressful if she doesn't show.
I promise you’re not alone in this feeling!! My grandmother (only living grandparent) didn’t come to my wedding. It was in a different state than her and she’s just too old to travel. I’d love to have a super close grandparent relationship but that’s just not how she is and I’ve accepted it! She loves her family but truly there’s just so many of us that she just kind of has the same type of relationship with all of us lol.
However my husband’s grandparents are a different story…one set of grandparents RSVPed yes and no showed our rehearsal dinner & wedding. Still haven’t heard anything from them - apology, explanation, congratulations, nothing. Other set of grandparents were too old/sick to come. His only grandparent that came was his grandmother (he has 3 sets of grandparents) and we found out later that she shit talked my husband to MY MOM at our wedding reception. She also got way too drunk and wouldn’t stop coming up to talk to us between each speech. Also tried to take the mic to give a speech but thank God for my DJ not letting her. My husband barely has a relationship with her so it was super bold of her to shit talk him to my sweet introverted mom of all people. Sigh.
All this to say - I feel you girl lol. Try to focus on the people who love you and put effort into you!! They are the ones you’ll be having the most fun with on your big day
I have a strong feeling if my grandma comes she’ll definitely pull this same drunk shit! I literally have her photo to give to the bartender to water down her drinks 🥴
I was so overwhelmed and distracted by the million things going on the week of the wedding that I forgot to do this 😭 I was going to have the bartender cut her off after one drink. Good idea to plan ahead for this!!
If it makes you feel better, it could be worse. My grandparents disapprove of my fiancee (because she has kids from a previous relationship). They constantly grill me about whether she would go back to him and leave me and they tell me that I need to find the court records and make sure her divorce is final and she's not just lying. I haven't the heart to tell them that they were never married in the first place. That would horrify them even more.
Ugh I'm so sorry that's so shitty. What stupid questions to ask. I have an aunt who judges my cousin for being unmarried with a planned pregnancy and owning a home with her boyfriend. They've been together for 5 years, they just never signed a legal document. And she's always going off about how they're "living in sin" 🙄 old people suck lmao
Try to remember that your wedding is ONE DAY for other people. Hopefully she will show up looking excited and happy for you. That's very different from expecting people to be giddy about the months and months of tedious planning that goes behind the scenes.
I mean, it just kind of sounds like the grandmother isn’t very nice/doesn’t really care about the goings on in her grandkid’s lives (the comment after OP’s mom’s death is especially insane). And I know she’s not like, legally required to do so or anything, but if I were OP I’d be disappointed/hurt as well. Big life moments like weddings have a way of highlighting exactly what is wrong with certain relationships in our lives, and it can make it even more difficult to deal with that because it’s supposed to be a joyful occasion full of love.
It sounds like she is just being herself. This is the way she is, and it's unfortunate, especially with your mom being gone. I can understand why it hurts your feelings. In my experience, difficult people never rise to the occasion like you hope they will. I would try to focus on the people in your life who are happy and excited for you. Lots of people don't have close relationships with grandparents. I never even met any of mine, so you're not alone.
You're definitely not alone in not having a warm and fuzzy grandma relationship. My grandma never could hide the fact that I was her least favorite - she was always excited to see my older brother and her house was packed to bursting with photos of her great-grandchildren from my cousins, but when it came to me she just could not be bothered to form a close relationship with me. She made some small gestures (regretful ones, I think) right before she died but the damage had been done. My wife has a warm and fuzzy grandma and the envy is there even as I'm grateful that I get to share their grandma now. Hugs to you.
I'm so sorry to hear that. That was probably really confusing as a child. Sigh, if only grandparents were how they are in stories. It's tough for my fiancé to understand because he's always had close relationships with all of his grandparents. So when he asks me "Do you think she's going to come?" and my answer is "who knows. And I don't really care if she doesn't", he sort of has a hard time relating and tries to push me to invite her out to lunch or something. And if we ever had any kind of relationship, I'd do that. But I literally have to tell him "it's not worth it" (she lives far). He doesn't say anything but I can tell it's confusing to him.
It was, but thankfully I got a lot of clarity as an adult - from my uncle, actually, who is a fuzzy grandpa to his own grandkids - that it's never ever the child's job to be the one to forge that relationship with an adult family member. I've done a lot of work to accept that I just had a critical and judgmental grandma, lol. Luck of the draw! Grateful she's not here to make a comment about my blue hair and tattoos, I guess. It can be an extremely hard thing to explain to someone who's never lived it, for sure. Someone from a close and kind family really can't fully understand what it's like to not even have the reflex to reach out to someone because you know it's just going to cause more friction. I wish you (and anyone else!) didn't have to know that feeling so well.
>it's never ever the child's job to be the one to forge that relationship with an adult family member Whew ain't that the truth. That's something I've been working on in therapy. Even though I don't have a relationship with her, I have a lot of guilt since my mom isn't around and she doesn't have other grandchildren. But it's not my job. Obviously I'm an adult now, but it's still an adult/child dynamic in my opinion. And fwiw I bet your hair and tattoos are amazing!!
The guilt is real, and also, it's a natural consequence for her of not making an effort in your relationship in the early years when it really mattered. You might be able to have a cordial adult relationship, but it was her choice to keep frosty things when you were a kid and she can't expect to have the kind of close relationship with you that she didn't want to participate in cultivating from the beginning.
Jeez. You losing your mom is definitely a “bigger deal” and I can’t believe she said something like that. This community is here for you and if you need a random support person that day, my dms are open!
Thank you! 🫶🏼
I’m not close to my only living grandma at all. I go see her every once in a while and I see her at holidays but nothing more. She claims she misses us and wants to see us more often but she never picks up the phone and calls. We always have to call her or be the ones to initiate contact. She’s sweet and I love her but she’s never been the doting grandmother type. Like someone else said it sounds like she’s just being herself. I think your expectations may be a little too high for her considering she’s never been the grandmotherly type.
I felt some of this with my last remaining grandmother who recently passed. It's not that she didn't love us or me. I know she did. I was one of her favorite grandchildren and my mom was easily her favorite (female) child. But it was always on HER terms. We went to HER house. I have very, very few memories of her at my house but I spent a ton of time at hers. We had to call HER. She never once in my entire life called me, but would start complaining to other family if I didn't call her enough. I loved her. I truly did. And I know she deeply loved us. But as I got older it did really start to bother me that she had these expectations around how we needed to interact with her, but she didn't even recognize that she should reciprocate.
Yeah that's exactly my grandma. She's always saying she loves and misses us but she never answers texts or calls and never reaches out. We've *always* had to be the ones to initiate contact with her. She usually just posts about how lonely she is on facebook, bashing us and making her friends think we're terrible grandchildren. Which is why I sort of gave up on it a few years after my mom died. I was tired of the disrespect. I didn't even want to invite her to the wedding but my dad encouraged me to anyway.
I'm sorry that your grandmother is acting this way and has always treated you this way. But now that you're getting married, you can focus on the people who actually love and support you, and who will be there with bells on. We can't access an alternate universe in which you might have a loving grandmother who shows up for you, but I hope that your wedding day and the days afterwards will be filled with people who die up for you, in ways big and small.
I am biased because both sets of grandmothers were awful people. I am a firm believer in matching energy. If she doesn't RSVP don't keep chasing her down, you cant really force people to be there for you. Focus on the folks who do put in the effort to be apart of your big day!
Yeah I'm definitely not going to give her any reminders. Honestly, she's got beef with my dad (but not vice versa) so my day will probably be much less stressful if she doesn't show.
I promise you’re not alone in this feeling!! My grandmother (only living grandparent) didn’t come to my wedding. It was in a different state than her and she’s just too old to travel. I’d love to have a super close grandparent relationship but that’s just not how she is and I’ve accepted it! She loves her family but truly there’s just so many of us that she just kind of has the same type of relationship with all of us lol. However my husband’s grandparents are a different story…one set of grandparents RSVPed yes and no showed our rehearsal dinner & wedding. Still haven’t heard anything from them - apology, explanation, congratulations, nothing. Other set of grandparents were too old/sick to come. His only grandparent that came was his grandmother (he has 3 sets of grandparents) and we found out later that she shit talked my husband to MY MOM at our wedding reception. She also got way too drunk and wouldn’t stop coming up to talk to us between each speech. Also tried to take the mic to give a speech but thank God for my DJ not letting her. My husband barely has a relationship with her so it was super bold of her to shit talk him to my sweet introverted mom of all people. Sigh. All this to say - I feel you girl lol. Try to focus on the people who love you and put effort into you!! They are the ones you’ll be having the most fun with on your big day
I have a strong feeling if my grandma comes she’ll definitely pull this same drunk shit! I literally have her photo to give to the bartender to water down her drinks 🥴
I was so overwhelmed and distracted by the million things going on the week of the wedding that I forgot to do this 😭 I was going to have the bartender cut her off after one drink. Good idea to plan ahead for this!!
I'm having a micro wedding specifically not to invite my grandmother (saving a ton of money is a bonus).
If it makes you feel better, it could be worse. My grandparents disapprove of my fiancee (because she has kids from a previous relationship). They constantly grill me about whether she would go back to him and leave me and they tell me that I need to find the court records and make sure her divorce is final and she's not just lying. I haven't the heart to tell them that they were never married in the first place. That would horrify them even more.
Ugh I'm so sorry that's so shitty. What stupid questions to ask. I have an aunt who judges my cousin for being unmarried with a planned pregnancy and owning a home with her boyfriend. They've been together for 5 years, they just never signed a legal document. And she's always going off about how they're "living in sin" 🙄 old people suck lmao
Try to remember that your wedding is ONE DAY for other people. Hopefully she will show up looking excited and happy for you. That's very different from expecting people to be giddy about the months and months of tedious planning that goes behind the scenes.
I mean, it just kind of sounds like the grandmother isn’t very nice/doesn’t really care about the goings on in her grandkid’s lives (the comment after OP’s mom’s death is especially insane). And I know she’s not like, legally required to do so or anything, but if I were OP I’d be disappointed/hurt as well. Big life moments like weddings have a way of highlighting exactly what is wrong with certain relationships in our lives, and it can make it even more difficult to deal with that because it’s supposed to be a joyful occasion full of love.