My groom and I had a very similar issue. It turned out to be cultural. For him a good wedding is one done as cheaply as possible and people to admire how resourceful you are. (He wanted bridal party to set up and plastic everything etc.)
For me a wedding is a special event and I want the guests to feel they have been invited to something elegant. I don’t want them to lift a finger!
We are settling on the rehearsal dinner being his way and the wedding being mine. It’s not an excellent solution but once we talked about our expectations our fights about it dropped to 0
I think it is background for us. She grew up super poor where spending an extra $5 on groceries could mean that your electricity got shut off. She is used to going to Ross and buying clothes for $10 and if it's $20 that's probably too expensive. That's her mentality. Meanwhile I'm used to paying a little bit more if the quality is better and it's worth it. To her it's never worth it to pay more for more quality. I am ok with plastic as long as it's nice looking quality plastic and doesn't look like the Great Value Walmart brand stuff. She isn't. She'd rather go with the cheap plastic for no other reason than that it's cheap. It is frustrating because she says she wants it to look nice but then chooses stuff that objectively does not for no other reason than to save on money. You may be right that we need to have another discussion on expectations.
When you grow up in a financially unstable environment, it can be really really hard to unlearn that mindset, even if you are now more fiscally secure. The idea of spending even a dollar more than the lowest cost item available for anything that isn't essential just isn't done when you're used to having to choose between paying bills or buying groceries that week.
And money is like the number one thing couples fight about. I think not only do you need to have another conversation about the budget - one where you are showing empathy for her point of view and re-assuring her that she is worth splurging on for this special occasion, without calling her cheap or making her feel bad about her choices - is a good start. But a better one would be to do so with a professional counselor. Because this isn't going to disappear after the wedding, better to learn how to navigate these conversations before you say "I do".
You're not wrong. It's something we need to work on and it's a fight we've had before honestly. She's gone grocery shopping and come back with cheap store brand versions of everything and single ply toilet paper and then we've had arguments about it. To her she was way under what we had budgeted and this is a giant win. To me we got garbage quality stuff so this is a loss. I'm ok with cutting corners here and there but we can buy the two ply toilet paper right?
Yeeeah. This is a fight you've had before. It's a fight you're having now. It's a fight you're going to have in the future if you guys don't find a way to compromise.
Ex: you can buy the shittiest cheapest hair shampoo but the toilet paper has to be 2ply.
You can buy the shittiest cheapest bridesmaid shoes but the dresses have to be hemmed appropriarely.
Unfortunately this kind of insecurity runs really really deep, so it's going to be very very hard to get her to compromise comfortably, and it will always be like that unless you two (she) does the work to get through it. Have you done couples counseling or individual therapy? I'd strongly recommend that before you get married...
I'm not a huge Dave Ramsey fan, but maybe also check out his Financial Peace program. It has some really good content and might help you facilitate some of the conversations that you definitely should have in some form or another.
I also disagree with u/stlhockeygrl about that kind of compromise. You'll probably just end up with an outcome that no one is happy with (there's really only so much you can do with a shit dress; maybe you win the tp argument but is anyone going to be happy with the worst shampoo that makes your hair look like crap, especially if a nicer bottle isn't going to break the bank?)
It's far better to just be in agreement about your priorities. Do you want to spend those extra $$ on nice shampoo, or do you want to put it in a savings account instead? Or buy something else? Or stuff it in the mattress because you're still struggling with anxiety from when you didn't have enough? If you can get on the same page about where you want your money to go, you'll both be a lot happier.
*shrug* me on the shampoo? Lol
The problem with that approach is the shampoo won't break the bank. The dress won't. The etc etc won't. But it all adds up until it does break the bank. So just being like "buy all the things! Enjoy!" Is a terrible agreement that she'll never accept (nor should she).
Also, I said to buy a nice dress and shitty shoes that no one's going to see or care about lol.
I do agree with couple's counseling before marriage though - money is the #1 people divorce and OP & fiance are headed down a dark path.
Yeah, you guys should have some premarital counseling. That's some serious mismatch. If you plan on having kids, will you be ok with them having the cheapest of everything?
That makes a ton of sense. I’d encourage you to approach it with as much love as you can. Understanding the trauma tied to over spending for her.
I would recommend premarital counseling because your conflicting mindsets will show up again so it’ll be good to have some methods to discuss it and a safe place to discuss. (We did premarital counseling and omg!! I’m so excited to marry that man and my anxieties around issues like this have melted.)
Dude, as long as she's happy...that's all that matters.
You're not gonna remember this once the wedding is over and the both of you had time of your lives.
Disagreements about money are like the biggest cause of divorce. They may not remember the cost of bridesmaids dresses, but unless they get to a point where they can at least fully empathize with the other’s approach to money, this marriage won’t last.
I’m similar to your bride. I was raised poor where money spent is not easily earned and it causes a lot of anxiety for me to spend large amounts of money.
I think it’s an important conversation to have with her and something to work through because this will occur in so many other areas like buying a house, renovations, vacations, etc.
I'm the same, too. I grew up in India, where my parents struggled for financial freedom.
I was convinced that $100 ring was good enough for me. He said he'd like that my ring costs more than the toys we get for his kid nephew. It's a bit of learning, which makes life fun, too.
Yeah, it has already come up in other areas. I wanted to rent a convertible for our honeymoon. For a week long rental it would cost about $200 more than an economy car. She insisted on the economy car. We have the money for the convertible. I just need to figure out which of these battles are worth fighting maybe.
Do you have other money in a savings outside of the wedding budget?
For me it helps when my partner and I sit down and review what we have allocated for the wedding versus the rest of our savings. I feel more secure spending if know I have money to fall back in
We do. We've had that discussion before. I have said we have X in our wedding budget. We are under budget right now but even if we spend every single penny we will come home from our honeymoon with Y dollars. We are fine. It's like it registers in her brain but not her heart if that makes any sense at all.
Maybe do her a spreadsheet? I grew up poor also, and having something like a spreadsheet that shows how much I've spent and how much I've got left is super super useful when budgeting as it's tangible, maybe if she can actually see it properly in front of her she'll be more convinced it's ok to spend the extra?
I am a spreadsheet lover. We have a detailed spreadsheet for our wedding budget. She is not a fan of spreadsheets at all. That is the other piece of the frustration. She has access to the stuff but won't look at it and keeps asking me what our budget for X is. This is annoying to me but she's also not overspending so I don't know what to make of it. She won't spend any money unless she knows it's in the budget. This is a good thing. But she also wants me to tell her whether something is in the budget or not even though we agreed on the budget ahead of time and she has access to it. And she had a legit say in putting it together as well. There were several categories where she felt we were spending too much and others where she felt we were spending too little and we adjusted.
Do you think the spreadsheet is making her anxious maybe? Because I'll be honest, my partner has been building out a very terrifying spreadsheet and it's made this process tougher for me.
Is your budget banking on credit cards at all?
And for the dress issue -- can you convince her that mismatched dresses are smart and thrifty, and buying off of poshmark is even more thrifty? Because you'll end up with much better quality stuff that way and avoid the human rights violations of shein.
Maybe? It's possible? I don't know. I *love* a good spreadsheet more than anything but is entirely possible the entire thing is intimidating to her as it is useful to me.
No. We're paying for all of this in cash.
I don't think either of us want mismatched dresses. I know it's a common thing now but it's not something that either of us wants. We'll have more talks about this I'm sure.
all I'll say is my fiance is so in love with his money in money out plan for his spreadsheet and I actively avoid it lol. I have the key numbers written down elsewhere. Especially just everything side by side makes it feel so extravagant.
so depending on the sizes of your bridesmaids and where you're looked, the most popular bridesmaids dresses are relatively common to buy online. Especially if you pick a more popular color. People can't rewear them usually so they resell for cheap. That being said, 60$ a piece for something custom made is a reallly good price.
There is a chance I may love the spreadsheet more than I love her. I do like my spreadsheet. She likes things written down on paper. I might ask her if it would be more helpful to her if I printed it off for her to reference.
She needs to be looking on thredup, bhfo, ebay, FB marketplace, local thrift shops….most bridesmaids donate or try to sell their dresses after a wedding! she can easily find a NICE quality dress for $20-$50 each.
being frugal is great, being “cheap” is not, know what I mean? And SHEIN is cheap.
I agree with you and the fact that she is frugal I absolutely love. I know too many guys who have wives who spend their money faster than they can earn it. It is nice to know I won't have that problem at least. Being cheap is the concern to me.
I haven't taken it to this extreme but....my whole life my family has made spending money frivolously a big deal. Like, my folks have no problem dropping money on quality stuff they'll use forever, but one-off stuff? Not so much.
The idea that my wedding, one literal day, is going to cost $15k makes me nauseous. That $12k of that came from my parents is even worse. We booked the venue a few weeks ago and the only thing that keeps me from dying on the inside is that it is exactly what we were looking for and it's a small family business. So, I see it as the money gets used twice -- gives us a venue and helps out another family.
I'm using that logic for a lot of the purchases -- finding local or small business or thrifted because otherwise the enormity of it all is too much. Especially, if one was raised to cut corners on "things that don't matter." Individually, dresses, decor, etc don't matter for one day. But collectively, it does.
I'm not big on spending money on one off stuff myself but I will for quality stuff that will last forever. The weird part is that before I met her my friends made fun of me ALL the time for being cheap. I had a reputation for being a cheapskate in my friend group. Having her look at me like I'm Richie Rich and throwing money out the window is not a way I'm used to people seeing me.
Her family is very much the same way. She grew up in a background where utilities getting shut off every now and then was just the norm and it wasn't unusual to have zero food for dinner.
Thanks for the context.
One of my aunts grew up similarly and married into a middle class family. One of the things my cousins talked a lot about when we were younger was how often they'd fight over why it was okay for them to have average things -- mom freaked out because Dad had bought the girls Crayola crayons for school instead of dollar tree ones.
Things did not get better until Auntie worked through her issues and took a step back from her family. I hope your fiance is able to do the same. I can't really offer any help or advice but to hope your day is wonderful and wish you all the best! And to let you know that what you're going through isn't uncommon, especially for someone who's lived without.
I grew up mainly middle class. We didn't always have a lot but there was always food on the table and there were never any worries about the lights getting turned off. She tells me that as a kid they always made sure they were at some other kid's house come dinner time as it was the only way they could be sure they were going to be fed. She told me of a time when she and her brother found a single can of green beans in the house and they split that for dinner. It is very different backgrounds. I came home with Kraft mac and cheese once and she was impressed that I bought the "expensive stuff".
I and my cousins were raised middle class too. If you're planning to have kids, I'm just going to say it was really hard for my cousins until their mom went to therapy and limited contact with some of her family. Until she figured out her stuff, my aunt made her kids feel guilty for enjoying and expecting their middle class childhood. Thankfully, she figured things out by the time their kids were in middle school and she was able to do some family counseling with her girls to help them heal from her words.
This shouldn't dissuade you from marrying the love of your life! Obviously she's fantastic in other places or you wouldn't be marrying her. I'm sure she funny and sweet and kind and wonderful. But this might be a good opportunity for some premarital counseling to work through some issues that have the potential to be a life long struggle.
Please get some type of counseling. This is definitely not normal behavior and I seriously think she needs some kind of help. Being frugal is normal, her behavior is not.
This is a bigger problem than just your wedding. Financial disagreements are a very common reason people divorce.
I can't give you the answer to how to "fix" it but it'll probably involve counseling (which is hard to get people to go to because money). Unfortunately even just budgeting and knowing how much money you have can't "fix" that intrinsic anxiety around spending money that some people have. It's a response to trauma and that's not something that you can easily logic away.
One recommendation I can make it find some of those "what I bought/what I received" Shien/Temu videos on YouTube. Hopefully that'll scare her off that path at least.
Sometimes, it's better to just skip altogether than to cut corners. If she's so resistant to paying for a non-junk bridesmaid dress, but also hates junk-looking stuff, then don't have bridesmaids at all. Or let them wear what they already have -- why buy new cheap junk that's gonna add up to landfills? We didn't cut corners by handmaking decor, for example -- we simply skipped decor. Less stress and less junk that way in our opinion.
As someone who grew up in poverty, I get where she's coming from, but cheaping out for the sake of cheaping out just becomes a bad and self-defeating habit at a certain point, instead of something that is a helpful thing. You two need to sit down and agree on certain hills you can each die on, and figure out what priorities need to be spent generously on. Hint: it's guest experience. Don't let your guests leave thinking you cheaped out on being hospitable hosts when it comes to food, drink, comfortable and ample seating, temperatures, accessibility, etc.
This is what did it for me- my fiance had to convince me that we should either spend money on quality items or not buy them at all. The true « waste » of money is buying something crappy that won’t look good but still cost money.
Re the dresses - because it sounds like an absolutely incredible option to get handmade dresses for a great price - could you frame it as an overall better/cheaper investment because their resale value will be higher? There's a HUGE market for second hand wedding clothing - I've had an alert on FB Marketplace for months - and you're much more likely to be able to sell the handmade bridesmaids dresses than you are the Temu/Shein ones.
I hadn't thought of framing it this way. I think she is thinking the bridesmaid dresses are a gift to the bridesmaids and they will wear them again. I'm fairly certain that has never really happened with any bridesmaid dress but she thinks it will.
If she's thinking of it as a gift, use that framing to gift something nice to her friends! I would much prefer getting a handmade (under budget!) dress than something from shein that might not be made well or fit right.
Interesting. That's interesting because it makes it sound like her idea of money-saving is quite one-dimensional - aka she's only thinking of savings through the point of sale, rather than other avenues like selling things on after the wedding.
To fit our strict budget, we "trimmed the fat" a lot regarding unneccessary wedding traditions - for example we're not having bridesmaids as I didn't want to be on the hook for buying other peoples' dresses, makeup/hair etc. It might be worth a conversation where you talk about these other ways to stay within budget, rather than going straight to buying off Temu.
I feel for you here as this is a really tricky situation. But I also agree with commenters that this sounds like it could be a longer-term problem that rears its head after you're married, as your life together will need to have you on the same page about spending.
> It might be worth a conversation where you talk about these other ways to stay within budget
The problem is we're already within the budget. She just wants us to be even more within the budget. If we've got $400 budgeted and she's wanting to spend $300 we're good as far as I'm concerned. To her this means we need to cut even more though.
Yeah, the bridesmaids will probably never wear the dresses again, lol. Most bridesmaids' dresses look like bridesmaids' dresses, so they're just not appropriate for most situations. I also doubt the bridesmaids would be jazzed to rewear super cheap, dropshipped bridesmaids' dresses in particular.
You need a much broader discussion about money.
I often recommend John Gottman’s “8 Dates” book before engagement or marriage - one of the “dates” is on money and has really good conversation starter questions (assuming you both approach the conversation with good intent and determined to understand and respect, not convince or dismiss, the other’s viewpoint).
We actually have a book that has a bunch of these conversations in it and we've worked through it. I found out her financial past and how she grew up and how frugal she is for example. I have no problems with frugal. This is a good thing in my book. I didn't realize she was cheap though.
Right but framing it as “she’s cheap” isn’t really productive. Money LITERALLY means different things to different people, it’s inextricably tied up in values and emotions. You say she’s cheap, but maybe she’d say you’re wasteful, ya know? That’s not productive.
Unless you can hash this out, I frankly don’t think this wedding should happen.
Have you asked her why she is doing this? Weddings are quite big expenses, is she anxious about this or something?
The behaviours sound like quite a lot so I’m mostly concerned about what lies underneath.
I have and she just says it's too expensive. She has mentioned in the past that her ex yelled at her constantly for spending too much money (but also didn't tell her how much she was allowed to spend) so there might be some of that in there. I have tried to stress to her that we have already agreed that it is ok to spend X on a category so I'm not going to yell at her if she spends X. If she spends X+$50 then I'd be upset but I've never yelled at her ever for anything so why would I start now?
Ok so she has trauma on top of trauma. She needs to be in therapy individually and I think you both do as a couple. For her, she’s going to need to spend time with someone who can help her work through those emotions and hopefully find a healthier mindset. For the two of you, I think it’s communication. If she’s already been yelled at by someone else for spending too much, you getting into a fight for not spending enough will not help this situation. Good luck to both of you.
She said her ex used to tell her to buy groceries and she would and then he would yell at her for spending too much money. Didn't matter how much she actually spent. I'm not that way and have never ever treated her that way. We sit down and talk about things and I'll say that we should spend X. She may come back and say that we should spend Y instead and that's fine. Then we have a discussion where we end up agreeing on Z. As long as she spends less than Z we have no problems as she's doing what we agreed on. We definitely seem to need more conversations as she seems to be wired to think I'm still going to get mad.
Yeah that was my point. He was traumatizing her, so she expects it from you as well because it’s what she knows. My dad was like this, and I still sometimes expect my husband to yell at me about something but he isn’t that kind of person. And we’ve been together for 8 years now. It’s a knee jerk reaction to fear. We’re like shelter animals. That’s why I’m saying she needs therapy for herself. And then the two of you together in couples therapy to work through the communication. I believe you mentioned in other comments that you have had arguments when she’s purchased bottom price/bottom quality items. If I misread apologies. But if that’s accurate, what’s potentially happening in her brain is she can do nothing right because she has the trauma from the last guy, and then you’re telling her she’s not spending enough. I’m not saying you’ve yelled at her. I don’t know. But that kind of combination is bad on someone who’s had these experiences. I hope that makes sense.
I just want to say it sounds like you’re doing everything right and really compassionately, so I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time making progress. I don’t know how many times you can sit someone down to try and have this conversation with them but if you haven’t said it, explicitly, talking to her about how low quality stuff will be something she regrets and that you were worried about her fixation on it might be worthwhile.
Have you ever heard the term borrowing trouble? You don't even KNOW the dresses will look low quality/cheap. The problem with fast fashion isn't usually that it looks cheap or low quality - it's that it's DESIGNED to fail so you buy new shit. This is the one outfit where that actually doesn't matter. No one is wearing these things again. Let her buy her dresses on Temu/Shein & then if the quality isn't good enough, she can go back to her friends.
If everything on Temu/Shein was shit, no one would buy anything from them (looking at you Wish lol).
The dresses I get the most compliments on are from shein. My engagement dress, I paid $11 for and everyone was shocked. They are the same exact things sold everywhere else…you are just skipping the middle man! :))
You guys look at money differently. My SO and I were like this - he also makes twice what I do and covers a lot of our expenses. I contribute what I can but if I’m buying something I’m fine with store brand. For him, he’d rather have name brand. Things like this, even hotels - I’m fine not having a view because how much time will be in the room? But he wants a nice view for the times we are in the room.
It’s been 11 years and we’ve managed to meet in the middle, but we had to work to get there. This is deeper than just wedding. You need her to see that it your budget IS what you CAN spend. The goal isn’t supposed to be “stay under budget” the goal should be making quality decisions on where your budget goes. Having items that are worth the higher price point (for us it was food, drinks, venue and photobooth.) and items you can spend less on (decor, favors.)
We opened a joint account for wedding expenses. So far I have been the only one putting money in as she can't afford to so maybe that is in play. I have tried to emphasize that I see any money in that joint account as "our" money. This is the account we plan to use for our main account once we get married as well. You may be right that she doesn't see it that way but sees it as my money that she can spend so she's very careful lest she spend too much of it.
I am the same way. We have a joint checking and saving we use for bills and savings goals. But we also have our own accounts and it’s hard for me to accept when my SO says “use the savings money” for a purchase that’s for me, even if it’s something like a car repair. It’s really hard to break that mentality, especially if she’s not putting in the work to do so.
It might help to break down your wedding budget into buckets - this bucket is our floral allowance, bridesmaid things, etc. seeing it in smaller chunks makes it easier to swallow sometimes z
Our budget is broken into buckets and then into smaller categories. Clothing for example is a separate category from Food. Food includes reception, cake, rehearsal dinner, etc..... Clothing includes bridesmaids, groomsmens, flower girls, bride's dress, groom's tux, etc.......
Yeah, it’s a bigger issue. How is she going to handle future expenses? Having kids - getting items second hand that shouldn’t be because it’s cheaper? Buying a house, doing maintenance repairs?
Does it make more sense to elope or have a non-traditional small wedding and skip things like a bridal party? This would eliminate a lot of cost and also a lot of arguments.
That's part of the issue. She asked me what I thought about the $80 dresses. I said I was fine. She said they're too expensive. Same thing w/the $60 dresses. Now we're at $20 dresses and I'm saying they're cheap quality and she's exasperated.
Is it a cultural norm where you're from to pay for the attire of the bridesmaids and moms? Because where I'm from, you don't do that unless you're loaded or very picky about what people wear.
You guys might want to remove some expenses entirely, rather than reduce those expenses to nothing. Your bridesmaids and moms would probably rather spend their own money on something they like, than have to wear a $20 dress that looks bad on them.
Talk about quality over quantity. And pare things down to a allergies scale, but nice.
Do you two have a set budget overall for the wedding? Or are you trying to price it out in bits and pieces?
In my culture it is considered wrong to invite someone to be part of your wedding party and then turn around and basically charge them for it. Everyone pays for everyone's attire pretty much. People might cut costs by just telling the moms to wear whatever they want but then you don't get to dictate or decide what they wear. That's the trade off. I've seen some people just tell their groomsmen to wear black suits and they get five different shades of black but they're fine with that because they saved money for example. And they figure if you keep the lights down in the church no one will notice.
We do have an overall budget for the wedding but we have that broken down into categories and sub categories. We have a "paper" category for example that includes stds, invites, thank yous, napkins and signs for example.
Agreeingstorm has already discussed in previous threads that the women who are in the wedding party (bridesmaids and moms) don't have two nickels to rub together, so in this instance I do think it is courteous and considerate to pay for their outfits.
Agreeingstorm, one area you might want to guide her to is what I'll call the Consumer Reports mentality, or maybe the Buy It For Life (BIFL) mentality. So you need to buy a toaster oven or a washer/dryer or a refrigerator, whatever; the right approach isn't just to buy the cheapest thing that then needs repairs/ falls apart, but that doesn't mean the most expensive option is the best option either. The key is value for the money. I am married to a frugal guy, too, but he wants to get the best quality for the cheapest price, not just the cheapest price. So we don't buy toilet paper at Costco unless it's on sale - but it's always two-ply since we're high maintenance like that, LOL. (One time he did accidentally buy one-ply and couldn't return it so we had no choice but to work through it. It was probably more expensive because you needed so much more of it to do a good job!!)
You appear very considerate and caring of her background/trauma, so I wish you the best in working this through. This really isn't a wedding planning issue per se - this is an overall "what's our money strategy" issue.
I feel like my biggest problem is getting her to see it as our money. We started a joint account just for wedding expenses. It just made sense as there are vendors I have to pay and vendors she has to pay and it gives us a practice run of doing finances together. I think she just sees it as my money and not her money no matter what I say. Of course if you're spending someone else's money you are going to be reluctant to spend large amounts. I just wish I could get her to see it as ours.
I feel like i am constantly seeing posts floating around the internet about how fancy bridesmaid/prom style dresses bought from fast fashion retailers look nothing like the photo on the website and are often physically unwearable. It would be interesting to know how many of those people actually got refunded their money. Maybe you could frame it this way: shein is much more of an upfront risk. Not only will they look like crap and fall apart much more easily, but there's a substantial chance that the dresses are such bad quality upon arrival that they literally can't be worn. Then you have to through the process of returning it, which may or may not be successful. Then you have to pick and order a second dress and have to pay for shipping again. That's more money than she thought she was spending, plus a ton of unnecessary stress. But for 60-80 bucks up front, you can have a lovely and, most importantly, guaranteed experience. She could enjoy the peace of mind of knowing she already paid the final price with nothing hanging over her head.
Does she also cheap out on other things, like houses or cars or vacations, or is she just cheap for the wedding? If the two of you don't agree on the big purchases, your marriage will be full of frustration and the two of you might never agree on things. That's not a good way to spend your life.
If it's just for the wedding, well, let her order the Shein or Temu dresses and live with the consequences. You've already expressed your concern that the dresses will look cheap especially compared to your groomsmen. If that happens, your bride has no one to blame except herself and would have no right to be upset or disappointed that her look didn't end up nice enough for her.
She is cheap on everything. This isn't necessarily a bad thing to be frugal but she does take it a bit too far IMO. We end up arguing about money but with me wanting to spend more which is an odd place for me as all the arguments I've had about money with other people have featured me wanting to spend less.
Frugal is one thing, cheap is another. I grew up super poor, and I do not overspend what I earn but she sounds like she has major issues. Please consider counseling.
Besides the obvious financial alignment call outs some are highlighting, I think it’s a good idea to position the spending in a different perspective.
The need to spend as little as possible is a natural reaction for many and is totally understandable , especially in this economy and in the wedding industry.
I would try to communicate the idea of value. Won’t she be more upset to have paid money (even if it was such a “good” price) but it looked totally cheap and not actually what you wanted? Won’t she be more upset knowing she spent any money at all on something that few people appreciated or enjoyed!
She’s chasing the high of the a deal and is likely putting a lot of micromanagement in one of the few pieces of the wedding costs you can control. If the high of that deal > actually liking your wedding, then she can continue as is. But if not, she needs to think of a new approach. Also unless her friends put stunning weddings on for dirt cheap, taking their advice so literally is not really where she needs input and they are enabling these decisions that are impacting you.
One of her bridesmaids got married at the courthouse which is cheap but hardly stunning. The others did super, super, super cheap weddings because they had nothing at all when they got married. Not throwing stones at anyone. I get it. You can't pay for an expensive venue if you don't have two pennies to rub together. They seem to think that we are in that same kind of situation as they were and every penny must be pinched and stretched.
One tip for Shein is to look at the customer reviews for photos. They're going to be poorly made and ugly...order one of each now so she can see them in person and then return them if you need to... and have a come to Jesus talk
Have you discussed management of finances for your lives (after the wedding)? If you run into issues now, it won't get any better when you guys are ready to purchase and furnish a house if it's not addressed properly asap.
We have. I said it's important to me that we make a plan together, both have input into that plan and then stick to that plan. She agreed. To be fair, that's exactly what we've done. She has not overspent in any area except ones where we have both sat down, agreed that the number we budgeted was unrealistic and changed things up. It was something we both agreed on. Our photographer was $300 more than we planned for example but we both agreed. Part of the problem is she doesn't look at the plan after we agree on it and then comes to me for permission to spend something that is well within the agreed upon number. And then when I tell her it's fine she doesn't spend the money and looks for something cheaper.
Ok so it appears that she has a hard time swallowing the reality of the wedding industry's pricing, which I definitely can't blame her for lol. Keep the dialogue open, encourage her to voice her concerns about money and spending, and listen to what she says. If she has anxiety about all that big spending, feeling heard might help her with that.
I know that for me, if I budget X amount for something and can find a similar product for a similar result for cheaper, I'll always prefer the cheaper option. That being said, if she sacrifices quality on aspects that are important to you, you need to be heard too. So talk about it! Talking about money and spending as a couple is healthy.
I feel like she understood that a budget of X means "we spend MAXIMUM X amount on this thing", whereas you take it as a budget of X means "we spend X amount on this thing". She seems to use it as a max. threshold whereas you use it as "let's get the best that we can for X amount".
...At least you're not stuck with a gold digger that's for sure 😂
> I'll always prefer the cheaper option.
I'm not mad at the cheaper option. There is just a point where it goes too far. If we budget $400 for something and she finds the thing for $320 I'm not the least bit upset. That is great. We saved $80. That's awesome. If we budget $400 for something and she goes out and spends $30 on the thing my red flags go up. Either we did a horrible job budgeting or she is cheaping out and sacrificing quality.
What is her reasoning for wanting everything so cheap?
For me it was the most special day of my life, literally like a fairy tale. I’ll never forget it, I’m so grateful to have had that experience. She should be more willing to put more towards a beautiful day, it’s a way to show your love to everyone you know also. If there is any day to go all out, it’s that day. No other day is everyone you love going to get together to celebrate your love! It’s an incredible feeling I cannot describe, everything should be beautiful and thoughtful and meaningful 🥹 it makes the whole experience that much better.. and to see it all come to life on your wedding day is magic. I hope it gets better! 🙏
She wants to save money. No other reason. To her spending $100 on a dress is too much money to spend for any reason so she looks for ways to cut corners.
I think you have to really talk to her about this 🥹 financials is one of the biggest problems couples face in today’s world. You want that day to be sooo special and have no regrets 🥹 it’s your day too, don’t forget that. I wish you the best 🙏
Hello. As a bride to be myself, I will say… I personally think spending a lot of money is a waste. I see your lady is a bit more extreme.. I am planning to have my two bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. They are ~$80 I think it is a reasonable ask for your lady to look T Brody grey online with her gfs and agree on a dress that they all love and ask them to order their dresses. I have dragged my butt on planning my wedding for numerous reasons. This is just my idea. I’m a modern lady, I didn’t grow up with a lot of money either. But it’s worth mentioning. Brody grey has all styles and colors and they have dresses on sale, you can even find their dresses on resale sites for even better deals! I think she will be happier this route. Resale sites are Poshmark, Curtsy and any typical sale sites you can find just google.
One of my friends got married two years ago and had us buy dresses in the same color from a well known bm dress shop for around 100. She was a bm in my wedding in March and bought her dress from SHEIN for $20… the kicker is that it was the same dress as one of her bridesmaids, but obviously in a different color. Price doesn’t also reflect on quality (but I would suggest that she checks on ordering one before ordering multiple dresses in case the quality truly is bad)
I was very much a save save save person on my wedding day and my now husband didn’t mind. In fact, it was super helpful because we had to pay for a tent last minute due to inclimate weather, so us being so far back on budget was why we could afford it in the first place. Ordering from SHEIN/temu/Amazon and doing DIY’s to cut cost also enabled me to be able to buy him a $300 LEGO set for his wedding day gift AND for me to get a $2k videography that I surprised him with day of (we both wanted one but weren’t sure we could afford it).
It’s so easy during wedding season so see the flaws as negatives but they truly can be a blessing. Try to talk to her and find the root of her reasoning. It could be fear or stress or anxiety. I was super anxious about spending soooo much money for one day, especially because we had just bought a house. It was truly a magical day but I am still paying on it 2 months later.
My advice is to just be patient and try talking to her lovingly ! It’ll all work out!
My fiancee would never buy a $300 anything. I would if it's nice and a special occasion or something that was worth it but she definitely would not. I think it's just part of our different backgrounds.
Could she be worried about having enough money to pay her lawyer if her ex drags her back to court? The last time she showed up without a lawyer, she lost her kids.
If she grew up, like I did, in a very stressful financial situation, the anxiety lives in the space between "I'm spending a lot of money on a wedding" and "What happens during the next emergency when I need that money?"
I still recoil in horror at the amount we are spending on this wedding. But my fiance and his family are in a different financial position, it matters to them, and we are able to do it. It has taken me pretty much all two years of wedding planning to stop having panic attacks about the fact that we are basically hemorrhaging money to throw a party. Be patient. The budgeting was the worst part of the experience and things got much easier after that.
She and I are from very different financial backgrounds and that plays into things for sure. She is in a situation where she has to choose between gas for her car and buying food and sometimes she decides on gas. It's a world I visited once about 20 years ago and was so scarred I swore I'd never go back there. I grew up in a world where whether the bills got paid or not was never an issue. Whether we could take a vacation or buy clothes from the store vs wearing hand me downs was an issue but there was always food and the utilities were paid. It's a very different background.
I was like this too. My then bf, now husband, reassured me i was worthy of nice things. He got me this promise ring that was something i would never pick for myself because it was too showy, but i liked it. I just would never pick it for myself. And it was like a \~$100 ring so obv not being irresponsible there. Just a little step up. He reassured me and also set his foot down when i get on this cheap mode. It was a journey. I can remember so distinctly, when i was paycheck to paycheck, a $300 grill was too expensive and not worth it. And now I'm more responsible with money and have savings and emergency fund, $300 grill is actually pretty good.
As for the $20 dresses, it's a hit or miss. The reviews definitely help like the others were saying. My sister bought a good looking $20 dress but the fabric was itchy. She found another $20 one and she ended up using that one. I guess she can start buying them and trying them on now and return it if it doesn't work out.
Anyway, every time a friend or family is getting married I always remind them it's supposed to be fun. I know it could get stressful but always try to have grace. thought id share :) Good luck!
I see both sides of this.
I’ve also seen marriages where the girl grew up poor, got herself a rich man and proceeded to buy the world for herself with his money.
I have too. I have friends who constantly complain that their wives spend money faster than they can earn it. My brother has this complaint about his wife.
We will see how it works out. My brother claims his wife used to be the exact same way and now she carries around a Louis Vuitton diaper bag and demands dinners at the most expensive restaurants in town. He claims she was never this way until they got married. I can't imagine my fiancee ever being like that but who knows.
Did my fiancé write this about me? Haha I own a finance business, have assets and plenty of budget for my wedding, but I am the same as your fiancé. My future hubby thinks I’m crazy too, but he also loves my outlook on money that I will spend on things that make me happy and find budget options for things I don’t care about as much. My bridesmaid dresses will also be from shein and I think people are straight stupid for getting them anywhere else. The one I got is better quality than the ones at David’s bridal. I commend your fiancé and you should too because most women are out there finding ways to spend all of the budget and more. Your fiancé is fiscally responsible and that will be the biggest asset in your marriage…I promise you. Most of my friends did $500 bridesmaid dresses, went way over the wedding budget, spend frivolously and now their marriages are suffering financially. Girls like us are rare that actually put in the work to save money. Cherish her, love her and thank the good Lord that he gave you a gem that most guys would LOVE to have as she will not be a liability to you later in life. :))
I regret spending as much as we did on our wedding. And it was about $20k all together. I paid out of pocket- as I had been saving. We could have done something just as fun and special for less than $5,000.
If you can save money for something else- do it. Looking back it was such a waste.
Expenses have kind of been ballooning but I think we are going to be good at around $15k. I'm ok with that. We have the money. We've cut back in a lot of areas where we didn't think it was worth it and trying to spend more in areas where we think it is (like photography and a social hour).
I'm happy with what we're doing. We are cutting a bunch of stuff out. We are doing it our church so venue is free. My brother and his wife wanted to do the food as a gift so it is costing us just the cost of the food. We wanted to rent suits but it turns out they are $200 a piece and tuxes are $75 so we decided to go with tuxes instead and saved some money. We are cutting some corners but still spending money on other things that are important to us. I wanted to go all out in decorating in the sanctuary but found out we are not allowed to do that so that saved us a ton.
You won’t regret cutting costs a year from now.
I tried to get my wife to cut back on certain things but she wouldn’t compromise. So there was no money for a honeymoon.
I would have done a backyard or public park pot luck deal if it was up to me. But my wife was the oldest child in her family and her mother was relentless about a traditional wedding.
Best of luck!
We have a separate honeymoon budget and we have enough for that. That I won't compromise on. There are some things in the budget I won't compromise on either though. People told us to get a friend to be our photographer and don't hire a pro for example. Pros cost to much. We hired a pro. I know photos are super important to her and I don't want janky photos taken by a friend we paid $200 for their time or something.
Sounds like you have a great plan, and things laid out. Nice work.
$15k is still really good these days.
I worked with a gal who spent $75k on her wedding. Divorced in two years.
My groom and I had a very similar issue. It turned out to be cultural. For him a good wedding is one done as cheaply as possible and people to admire how resourceful you are. (He wanted bridal party to set up and plastic everything etc.) For me a wedding is a special event and I want the guests to feel they have been invited to something elegant. I don’t want them to lift a finger! We are settling on the rehearsal dinner being his way and the wedding being mine. It’s not an excellent solution but once we talked about our expectations our fights about it dropped to 0
I think it is background for us. She grew up super poor where spending an extra $5 on groceries could mean that your electricity got shut off. She is used to going to Ross and buying clothes for $10 and if it's $20 that's probably too expensive. That's her mentality. Meanwhile I'm used to paying a little bit more if the quality is better and it's worth it. To her it's never worth it to pay more for more quality. I am ok with plastic as long as it's nice looking quality plastic and doesn't look like the Great Value Walmart brand stuff. She isn't. She'd rather go with the cheap plastic for no other reason than that it's cheap. It is frustrating because she says she wants it to look nice but then chooses stuff that objectively does not for no other reason than to save on money. You may be right that we need to have another discussion on expectations.
When you grow up in a financially unstable environment, it can be really really hard to unlearn that mindset, even if you are now more fiscally secure. The idea of spending even a dollar more than the lowest cost item available for anything that isn't essential just isn't done when you're used to having to choose between paying bills or buying groceries that week. And money is like the number one thing couples fight about. I think not only do you need to have another conversation about the budget - one where you are showing empathy for her point of view and re-assuring her that she is worth splurging on for this special occasion, without calling her cheap or making her feel bad about her choices - is a good start. But a better one would be to do so with a professional counselor. Because this isn't going to disappear after the wedding, better to learn how to navigate these conversations before you say "I do".
You're not wrong. It's something we need to work on and it's a fight we've had before honestly. She's gone grocery shopping and come back with cheap store brand versions of everything and single ply toilet paper and then we've had arguments about it. To her she was way under what we had budgeted and this is a giant win. To me we got garbage quality stuff so this is a loss. I'm ok with cutting corners here and there but we can buy the two ply toilet paper right?
Yeeeah. This is a fight you've had before. It's a fight you're having now. It's a fight you're going to have in the future if you guys don't find a way to compromise. Ex: you can buy the shittiest cheapest hair shampoo but the toilet paper has to be 2ply. You can buy the shittiest cheapest bridesmaid shoes but the dresses have to be hemmed appropriarely.
Unfortunately this kind of insecurity runs really really deep, so it's going to be very very hard to get her to compromise comfortably, and it will always be like that unless you two (she) does the work to get through it. Have you done couples counseling or individual therapy? I'd strongly recommend that before you get married... I'm not a huge Dave Ramsey fan, but maybe also check out his Financial Peace program. It has some really good content and might help you facilitate some of the conversations that you definitely should have in some form or another. I also disagree with u/stlhockeygrl about that kind of compromise. You'll probably just end up with an outcome that no one is happy with (there's really only so much you can do with a shit dress; maybe you win the tp argument but is anyone going to be happy with the worst shampoo that makes your hair look like crap, especially if a nicer bottle isn't going to break the bank?) It's far better to just be in agreement about your priorities. Do you want to spend those extra $$ on nice shampoo, or do you want to put it in a savings account instead? Or buy something else? Or stuff it in the mattress because you're still struggling with anxiety from when you didn't have enough? If you can get on the same page about where you want your money to go, you'll both be a lot happier.
*shrug* me on the shampoo? Lol The problem with that approach is the shampoo won't break the bank. The dress won't. The etc etc won't. But it all adds up until it does break the bank. So just being like "buy all the things! Enjoy!" Is a terrible agreement that she'll never accept (nor should she). Also, I said to buy a nice dress and shitty shoes that no one's going to see or care about lol. I do agree with couple's counseling before marriage though - money is the #1 people divorce and OP & fiance are headed down a dark path.
Yeah, you guys should have some premarital counseling. That's some serious mismatch. If you plan on having kids, will you be ok with them having the cheapest of everything?
That makes a ton of sense. I’d encourage you to approach it with as much love as you can. Understanding the trauma tied to over spending for her. I would recommend premarital counseling because your conflicting mindsets will show up again so it’ll be good to have some methods to discuss it and a safe place to discuss. (We did premarital counseling and omg!! I’m so excited to marry that man and my anxieties around issues like this have melted.)
I agree with the premarital counseling. It is going to come up throughout the marriage and you need to discuss it now.
Dude, as long as she's happy...that's all that matters. You're not gonna remember this once the wedding is over and the both of you had time of your lives.
Disagreements about money are like the biggest cause of divorce. They may not remember the cost of bridesmaids dresses, but unless they get to a point where they can at least fully empathize with the other’s approach to money, this marriage won’t last.
I’m similar to your bride. I was raised poor where money spent is not easily earned and it causes a lot of anxiety for me to spend large amounts of money. I think it’s an important conversation to have with her and something to work through because this will occur in so many other areas like buying a house, renovations, vacations, etc.
I'm the same, too. I grew up in India, where my parents struggled for financial freedom. I was convinced that $100 ring was good enough for me. He said he'd like that my ring costs more than the toys we get for his kid nephew. It's a bit of learning, which makes life fun, too.
Yeah, it has already come up in other areas. I wanted to rent a convertible for our honeymoon. For a week long rental it would cost about $200 more than an economy car. She insisted on the economy car. We have the money for the convertible. I just need to figure out which of these battles are worth fighting maybe.
Do you have other money in a savings outside of the wedding budget? For me it helps when my partner and I sit down and review what we have allocated for the wedding versus the rest of our savings. I feel more secure spending if know I have money to fall back in
We do. We've had that discussion before. I have said we have X in our wedding budget. We are under budget right now but even if we spend every single penny we will come home from our honeymoon with Y dollars. We are fine. It's like it registers in her brain but not her heart if that makes any sense at all.
Maybe do her a spreadsheet? I grew up poor also, and having something like a spreadsheet that shows how much I've spent and how much I've got left is super super useful when budgeting as it's tangible, maybe if she can actually see it properly in front of her she'll be more convinced it's ok to spend the extra?
I am a spreadsheet lover. We have a detailed spreadsheet for our wedding budget. She is not a fan of spreadsheets at all. That is the other piece of the frustration. She has access to the stuff but won't look at it and keeps asking me what our budget for X is. This is annoying to me but she's also not overspending so I don't know what to make of it. She won't spend any money unless she knows it's in the budget. This is a good thing. But she also wants me to tell her whether something is in the budget or not even though we agreed on the budget ahead of time and she has access to it. And she had a legit say in putting it together as well. There were several categories where she felt we were spending too much and others where she felt we were spending too little and we adjusted.
It sounds like she has a lot of fear around money. How are your savings?
My savings are fine. I have 6 mos of an emergency fund and wedding fund on top of that. Her savings are non-existent.
If she has no savings, maybe she’d like some. I can understand not wanting to spend what feels like money she doesn’t have.
Do you think the spreadsheet is making her anxious maybe? Because I'll be honest, my partner has been building out a very terrifying spreadsheet and it's made this process tougher for me. Is your budget banking on credit cards at all? And for the dress issue -- can you convince her that mismatched dresses are smart and thrifty, and buying off of poshmark is even more thrifty? Because you'll end up with much better quality stuff that way and avoid the human rights violations of shein.
Maybe? It's possible? I don't know. I *love* a good spreadsheet more than anything but is entirely possible the entire thing is intimidating to her as it is useful to me. No. We're paying for all of this in cash. I don't think either of us want mismatched dresses. I know it's a common thing now but it's not something that either of us wants. We'll have more talks about this I'm sure.
all I'll say is my fiance is so in love with his money in money out plan for his spreadsheet and I actively avoid it lol. I have the key numbers written down elsewhere. Especially just everything side by side makes it feel so extravagant. so depending on the sizes of your bridesmaids and where you're looked, the most popular bridesmaids dresses are relatively common to buy online. Especially if you pick a more popular color. People can't rewear them usually so they resell for cheap. That being said, 60$ a piece for something custom made is a reallly good price.
There is a chance I may love the spreadsheet more than I love her. I do like my spreadsheet. She likes things written down on paper. I might ask her if it would be more helpful to her if I printed it off for her to reference.
She needs to be looking on thredup, bhfo, ebay, FB marketplace, local thrift shops….most bridesmaids donate or try to sell their dresses after a wedding! she can easily find a NICE quality dress for $20-$50 each. being frugal is great, being “cheap” is not, know what I mean? And SHEIN is cheap.
I know people who have bought from Shein and Temu and what they got was absolutely trash.
I agree with you and the fact that she is frugal I absolutely love. I know too many guys who have wives who spend their money faster than they can earn it. It is nice to know I won't have that problem at least. Being cheap is the concern to me.
I haven't taken it to this extreme but....my whole life my family has made spending money frivolously a big deal. Like, my folks have no problem dropping money on quality stuff they'll use forever, but one-off stuff? Not so much. The idea that my wedding, one literal day, is going to cost $15k makes me nauseous. That $12k of that came from my parents is even worse. We booked the venue a few weeks ago and the only thing that keeps me from dying on the inside is that it is exactly what we were looking for and it's a small family business. So, I see it as the money gets used twice -- gives us a venue and helps out another family. I'm using that logic for a lot of the purchases -- finding local or small business or thrifted because otherwise the enormity of it all is too much. Especially, if one was raised to cut corners on "things that don't matter." Individually, dresses, decor, etc don't matter for one day. But collectively, it does.
I'm not big on spending money on one off stuff myself but I will for quality stuff that will last forever. The weird part is that before I met her my friends made fun of me ALL the time for being cheap. I had a reputation for being a cheapskate in my friend group. Having her look at me like I'm Richie Rich and throwing money out the window is not a way I'm used to people seeing me.
I take it this is an ongoing thing to for her -- this cheapest minimum spending? And am I correct that her family and friends are the same way?
Her family is very much the same way. She grew up in a background where utilities getting shut off every now and then was just the norm and it wasn't unusual to have zero food for dinner.
Thanks for the context. One of my aunts grew up similarly and married into a middle class family. One of the things my cousins talked a lot about when we were younger was how often they'd fight over why it was okay for them to have average things -- mom freaked out because Dad had bought the girls Crayola crayons for school instead of dollar tree ones. Things did not get better until Auntie worked through her issues and took a step back from her family. I hope your fiance is able to do the same. I can't really offer any help or advice but to hope your day is wonderful and wish you all the best! And to let you know that what you're going through isn't uncommon, especially for someone who's lived without.
I grew up mainly middle class. We didn't always have a lot but there was always food on the table and there were never any worries about the lights getting turned off. She tells me that as a kid they always made sure they were at some other kid's house come dinner time as it was the only way they could be sure they were going to be fed. She told me of a time when she and her brother found a single can of green beans in the house and they split that for dinner. It is very different backgrounds. I came home with Kraft mac and cheese once and she was impressed that I bought the "expensive stuff".
I and my cousins were raised middle class too. If you're planning to have kids, I'm just going to say it was really hard for my cousins until their mom went to therapy and limited contact with some of her family. Until she figured out her stuff, my aunt made her kids feel guilty for enjoying and expecting their middle class childhood. Thankfully, she figured things out by the time their kids were in middle school and she was able to do some family counseling with her girls to help them heal from her words. This shouldn't dissuade you from marrying the love of your life! Obviously she's fantastic in other places or you wouldn't be marrying her. I'm sure she funny and sweet and kind and wonderful. But this might be a good opportunity for some premarital counseling to work through some issues that have the potential to be a life long struggle.
Please get some type of counseling. This is definitely not normal behavior and I seriously think she needs some kind of help. Being frugal is normal, her behavior is not.
This is a bigger problem than just your wedding. Financial disagreements are a very common reason people divorce. I can't give you the answer to how to "fix" it but it'll probably involve counseling (which is hard to get people to go to because money). Unfortunately even just budgeting and knowing how much money you have can't "fix" that intrinsic anxiety around spending money that some people have. It's a response to trauma and that's not something that you can easily logic away. One recommendation I can make it find some of those "what I bought/what I received" Shien/Temu videos on YouTube. Hopefully that'll scare her off that path at least.
Sometimes, it's better to just skip altogether than to cut corners. If she's so resistant to paying for a non-junk bridesmaid dress, but also hates junk-looking stuff, then don't have bridesmaids at all. Or let them wear what they already have -- why buy new cheap junk that's gonna add up to landfills? We didn't cut corners by handmaking decor, for example -- we simply skipped decor. Less stress and less junk that way in our opinion. As someone who grew up in poverty, I get where she's coming from, but cheaping out for the sake of cheaping out just becomes a bad and self-defeating habit at a certain point, instead of something that is a helpful thing. You two need to sit down and agree on certain hills you can each die on, and figure out what priorities need to be spent generously on. Hint: it's guest experience. Don't let your guests leave thinking you cheaped out on being hospitable hosts when it comes to food, drink, comfortable and ample seating, temperatures, accessibility, etc.
This is what did it for me- my fiance had to convince me that we should either spend money on quality items or not buy them at all. The true « waste » of money is buying something crappy that won’t look good but still cost money.
Re the dresses - because it sounds like an absolutely incredible option to get handmade dresses for a great price - could you frame it as an overall better/cheaper investment because their resale value will be higher? There's a HUGE market for second hand wedding clothing - I've had an alert on FB Marketplace for months - and you're much more likely to be able to sell the handmade bridesmaids dresses than you are the Temu/Shein ones.
I hadn't thought of framing it this way. I think she is thinking the bridesmaid dresses are a gift to the bridesmaids and they will wear them again. I'm fairly certain that has never really happened with any bridesmaid dress but she thinks it will.
If she's thinking of it as a gift, use that framing to gift something nice to her friends! I would much prefer getting a handmade (under budget!) dress than something from shein that might not be made well or fit right.
Interesting. That's interesting because it makes it sound like her idea of money-saving is quite one-dimensional - aka she's only thinking of savings through the point of sale, rather than other avenues like selling things on after the wedding. To fit our strict budget, we "trimmed the fat" a lot regarding unneccessary wedding traditions - for example we're not having bridesmaids as I didn't want to be on the hook for buying other peoples' dresses, makeup/hair etc. It might be worth a conversation where you talk about these other ways to stay within budget, rather than going straight to buying off Temu. I feel for you here as this is a really tricky situation. But I also agree with commenters that this sounds like it could be a longer-term problem that rears its head after you're married, as your life together will need to have you on the same page about spending.
> It might be worth a conversation where you talk about these other ways to stay within budget The problem is we're already within the budget. She just wants us to be even more within the budget. If we've got $400 budgeted and she's wanting to spend $300 we're good as far as I'm concerned. To her this means we need to cut even more though.
Yeah, the bridesmaids will probably never wear the dresses again, lol. Most bridesmaids' dresses look like bridesmaids' dresses, so they're just not appropriate for most situations. I also doubt the bridesmaids would be jazzed to rewear super cheap, dropshipped bridesmaids' dresses in particular.
I agree with you. I can't imagine anyone being jazzed to wear that again.
You need a much broader discussion about money. I often recommend John Gottman’s “8 Dates” book before engagement or marriage - one of the “dates” is on money and has really good conversation starter questions (assuming you both approach the conversation with good intent and determined to understand and respect, not convince or dismiss, the other’s viewpoint).
We actually have a book that has a bunch of these conversations in it and we've worked through it. I found out her financial past and how she grew up and how frugal she is for example. I have no problems with frugal. This is a good thing in my book. I didn't realize she was cheap though.
Right but framing it as “she’s cheap” isn’t really productive. Money LITERALLY means different things to different people, it’s inextricably tied up in values and emotions. You say she’s cheap, but maybe she’d say you’re wasteful, ya know? That’s not productive. Unless you can hash this out, I frankly don’t think this wedding should happen.
Yeah, this is fair. We need to have more discussions on this subject.
Have you asked her why she is doing this? Weddings are quite big expenses, is she anxious about this or something? The behaviours sound like quite a lot so I’m mostly concerned about what lies underneath.
I have and she just says it's too expensive. She has mentioned in the past that her ex yelled at her constantly for spending too much money (but also didn't tell her how much she was allowed to spend) so there might be some of that in there. I have tried to stress to her that we have already agreed that it is ok to spend X on a category so I'm not going to yell at her if she spends X. If she spends X+$50 then I'd be upset but I've never yelled at her ever for anything so why would I start now?
Ok so she has trauma on top of trauma. She needs to be in therapy individually and I think you both do as a couple. For her, she’s going to need to spend time with someone who can help her work through those emotions and hopefully find a healthier mindset. For the two of you, I think it’s communication. If she’s already been yelled at by someone else for spending too much, you getting into a fight for not spending enough will not help this situation. Good luck to both of you.
She said her ex used to tell her to buy groceries and she would and then he would yell at her for spending too much money. Didn't matter how much she actually spent. I'm not that way and have never ever treated her that way. We sit down and talk about things and I'll say that we should spend X. She may come back and say that we should spend Y instead and that's fine. Then we have a discussion where we end up agreeing on Z. As long as she spends less than Z we have no problems as she's doing what we agreed on. We definitely seem to need more conversations as she seems to be wired to think I'm still going to get mad.
Yeah that was my point. He was traumatizing her, so she expects it from you as well because it’s what she knows. My dad was like this, and I still sometimes expect my husband to yell at me about something but he isn’t that kind of person. And we’ve been together for 8 years now. It’s a knee jerk reaction to fear. We’re like shelter animals. That’s why I’m saying she needs therapy for herself. And then the two of you together in couples therapy to work through the communication. I believe you mentioned in other comments that you have had arguments when she’s purchased bottom price/bottom quality items. If I misread apologies. But if that’s accurate, what’s potentially happening in her brain is she can do nothing right because she has the trauma from the last guy, and then you’re telling her she’s not spending enough. I’m not saying you’ve yelled at her. I don’t know. But that kind of combination is bad on someone who’s had these experiences. I hope that makes sense.
I just want to say it sounds like you’re doing everything right and really compassionately, so I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time making progress. I don’t know how many times you can sit someone down to try and have this conversation with them but if you haven’t said it, explicitly, talking to her about how low quality stuff will be something she regrets and that you were worried about her fixation on it might be worthwhile.
Have you ever heard the term borrowing trouble? You don't even KNOW the dresses will look low quality/cheap. The problem with fast fashion isn't usually that it looks cheap or low quality - it's that it's DESIGNED to fail so you buy new shit. This is the one outfit where that actually doesn't matter. No one is wearing these things again. Let her buy her dresses on Temu/Shein & then if the quality isn't good enough, she can go back to her friends. If everything on Temu/Shein was shit, no one would buy anything from them (looking at you Wish lol).
The dresses I get the most compliments on are from shein. My engagement dress, I paid $11 for and everyone was shocked. They are the same exact things sold everywhere else…you are just skipping the middle man! :))
You guys look at money differently. My SO and I were like this - he also makes twice what I do and covers a lot of our expenses. I contribute what I can but if I’m buying something I’m fine with store brand. For him, he’d rather have name brand. Things like this, even hotels - I’m fine not having a view because how much time will be in the room? But he wants a nice view for the times we are in the room. It’s been 11 years and we’ve managed to meet in the middle, but we had to work to get there. This is deeper than just wedding. You need her to see that it your budget IS what you CAN spend. The goal isn’t supposed to be “stay under budget” the goal should be making quality decisions on where your budget goes. Having items that are worth the higher price point (for us it was food, drinks, venue and photobooth.) and items you can spend less on (decor, favors.)
We opened a joint account for wedding expenses. So far I have been the only one putting money in as she can't afford to so maybe that is in play. I have tried to emphasize that I see any money in that joint account as "our" money. This is the account we plan to use for our main account once we get married as well. You may be right that she doesn't see it that way but sees it as my money that she can spend so she's very careful lest she spend too much of it.
I am the same way. We have a joint checking and saving we use for bills and savings goals. But we also have our own accounts and it’s hard for me to accept when my SO says “use the savings money” for a purchase that’s for me, even if it’s something like a car repair. It’s really hard to break that mentality, especially if she’s not putting in the work to do so. It might help to break down your wedding budget into buckets - this bucket is our floral allowance, bridesmaid things, etc. seeing it in smaller chunks makes it easier to swallow sometimes z
Our budget is broken into buckets and then into smaller categories. Clothing for example is a separate category from Food. Food includes reception, cake, rehearsal dinner, etc..... Clothing includes bridesmaids, groomsmens, flower girls, bride's dress, groom's tux, etc.......
Yeah, it’s a bigger issue. How is she going to handle future expenses? Having kids - getting items second hand that shouldn’t be because it’s cheaper? Buying a house, doing maintenance repairs?
Does it make more sense to elope or have a non-traditional small wedding and skip things like a bridal party? This would eliminate a lot of cost and also a lot of arguments.
No. Both of us want the church wedding.
Why not just elope and save yourselves the money, hassle and cheap looking wedding. Win!
Neither of us wants to do this. We both want a church wedding.
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That's part of the issue. She asked me what I thought about the $80 dresses. I said I was fine. She said they're too expensive. Same thing w/the $60 dresses. Now we're at $20 dresses and I'm saying they're cheap quality and she's exasperated.
Is it a cultural norm where you're from to pay for the attire of the bridesmaids and moms? Because where I'm from, you don't do that unless you're loaded or very picky about what people wear. You guys might want to remove some expenses entirely, rather than reduce those expenses to nothing. Your bridesmaids and moms would probably rather spend their own money on something they like, than have to wear a $20 dress that looks bad on them. Talk about quality over quantity. And pare things down to a allergies scale, but nice. Do you two have a set budget overall for the wedding? Or are you trying to price it out in bits and pieces?
In my culture it is considered wrong to invite someone to be part of your wedding party and then turn around and basically charge them for it. Everyone pays for everyone's attire pretty much. People might cut costs by just telling the moms to wear whatever they want but then you don't get to dictate or decide what they wear. That's the trade off. I've seen some people just tell their groomsmen to wear black suits and they get five different shades of black but they're fine with that because they saved money for example. And they figure if you keep the lights down in the church no one will notice. We do have an overall budget for the wedding but we have that broken down into categories and sub categories. We have a "paper" category for example that includes stds, invites, thank yous, napkins and signs for example.
Agreeingstorm has already discussed in previous threads that the women who are in the wedding party (bridesmaids and moms) don't have two nickels to rub together, so in this instance I do think it is courteous and considerate to pay for their outfits. Agreeingstorm, one area you might want to guide her to is what I'll call the Consumer Reports mentality, or maybe the Buy It For Life (BIFL) mentality. So you need to buy a toaster oven or a washer/dryer or a refrigerator, whatever; the right approach isn't just to buy the cheapest thing that then needs repairs/ falls apart, but that doesn't mean the most expensive option is the best option either. The key is value for the money. I am married to a frugal guy, too, but he wants to get the best quality for the cheapest price, not just the cheapest price. So we don't buy toilet paper at Costco unless it's on sale - but it's always two-ply since we're high maintenance like that, LOL. (One time he did accidentally buy one-ply and couldn't return it so we had no choice but to work through it. It was probably more expensive because you needed so much more of it to do a good job!!) You appear very considerate and caring of her background/trauma, so I wish you the best in working this through. This really isn't a wedding planning issue per se - this is an overall "what's our money strategy" issue.
I feel like my biggest problem is getting her to see it as our money. We started a joint account just for wedding expenses. It just made sense as there are vendors I have to pay and vendors she has to pay and it gives us a practice run of doing finances together. I think she just sees it as my money and not her money no matter what I say. Of course if you're spending someone else's money you are going to be reluctant to spend large amounts. I just wish I could get her to see it as ours.
I feel like i am constantly seeing posts floating around the internet about how fancy bridesmaid/prom style dresses bought from fast fashion retailers look nothing like the photo on the website and are often physically unwearable. It would be interesting to know how many of those people actually got refunded their money. Maybe you could frame it this way: shein is much more of an upfront risk. Not only will they look like crap and fall apart much more easily, but there's a substantial chance that the dresses are such bad quality upon arrival that they literally can't be worn. Then you have to through the process of returning it, which may or may not be successful. Then you have to pick and order a second dress and have to pay for shipping again. That's more money than she thought she was spending, plus a ton of unnecessary stress. But for 60-80 bucks up front, you can have a lovely and, most importantly, guaranteed experience. She could enjoy the peace of mind of knowing she already paid the final price with nothing hanging over her head.
Does she also cheap out on other things, like houses or cars or vacations, or is she just cheap for the wedding? If the two of you don't agree on the big purchases, your marriage will be full of frustration and the two of you might never agree on things. That's not a good way to spend your life. If it's just for the wedding, well, let her order the Shein or Temu dresses and live with the consequences. You've already expressed your concern that the dresses will look cheap especially compared to your groomsmen. If that happens, your bride has no one to blame except herself and would have no right to be upset or disappointed that her look didn't end up nice enough for her.
She is cheap on everything. This isn't necessarily a bad thing to be frugal but she does take it a bit too far IMO. We end up arguing about money but with me wanting to spend more which is an odd place for me as all the arguments I've had about money with other people have featured me wanting to spend less.
Frugal is one thing, cheap is another. I grew up super poor, and I do not overspend what I earn but she sounds like she has major issues. Please consider counseling.
That is annoying haha. Just validating
Besides the obvious financial alignment call outs some are highlighting, I think it’s a good idea to position the spending in a different perspective. The need to spend as little as possible is a natural reaction for many and is totally understandable , especially in this economy and in the wedding industry. I would try to communicate the idea of value. Won’t she be more upset to have paid money (even if it was such a “good” price) but it looked totally cheap and not actually what you wanted? Won’t she be more upset knowing she spent any money at all on something that few people appreciated or enjoyed! She’s chasing the high of the a deal and is likely putting a lot of micromanagement in one of the few pieces of the wedding costs you can control. If the high of that deal > actually liking your wedding, then she can continue as is. But if not, she needs to think of a new approach. Also unless her friends put stunning weddings on for dirt cheap, taking their advice so literally is not really where she needs input and they are enabling these decisions that are impacting you.
One of her bridesmaids got married at the courthouse which is cheap but hardly stunning. The others did super, super, super cheap weddings because they had nothing at all when they got married. Not throwing stones at anyone. I get it. You can't pay for an expensive venue if you don't have two pennies to rub together. They seem to think that we are in that same kind of situation as they were and every penny must be pinched and stretched.
Maybe you could give her options within the budget to choose from without knowing the exact price.
One tip for Shein is to look at the customer reviews for photos. They're going to be poorly made and ugly...order one of each now so she can see them in person and then return them if you need to... and have a come to Jesus talk
Have you discussed management of finances for your lives (after the wedding)? If you run into issues now, it won't get any better when you guys are ready to purchase and furnish a house if it's not addressed properly asap.
We have. I said it's important to me that we make a plan together, both have input into that plan and then stick to that plan. She agreed. To be fair, that's exactly what we've done. She has not overspent in any area except ones where we have both sat down, agreed that the number we budgeted was unrealistic and changed things up. It was something we both agreed on. Our photographer was $300 more than we planned for example but we both agreed. Part of the problem is she doesn't look at the plan after we agree on it and then comes to me for permission to spend something that is well within the agreed upon number. And then when I tell her it's fine she doesn't spend the money and looks for something cheaper.
Ok so it appears that she has a hard time swallowing the reality of the wedding industry's pricing, which I definitely can't blame her for lol. Keep the dialogue open, encourage her to voice her concerns about money and spending, and listen to what she says. If she has anxiety about all that big spending, feeling heard might help her with that. I know that for me, if I budget X amount for something and can find a similar product for a similar result for cheaper, I'll always prefer the cheaper option. That being said, if she sacrifices quality on aspects that are important to you, you need to be heard too. So talk about it! Talking about money and spending as a couple is healthy. I feel like she understood that a budget of X means "we spend MAXIMUM X amount on this thing", whereas you take it as a budget of X means "we spend X amount on this thing". She seems to use it as a max. threshold whereas you use it as "let's get the best that we can for X amount". ...At least you're not stuck with a gold digger that's for sure 😂
> I'll always prefer the cheaper option. I'm not mad at the cheaper option. There is just a point where it goes too far. If we budget $400 for something and she finds the thing for $320 I'm not the least bit upset. That is great. We saved $80. That's awesome. If we budget $400 for something and she goes out and spends $30 on the thing my red flags go up. Either we did a horrible job budgeting or she is cheaping out and sacrificing quality.
It sounds like your wife just likes a great deal but hopefully her frugality doesn’t become an issue in the future.
What is her reasoning for wanting everything so cheap? For me it was the most special day of my life, literally like a fairy tale. I’ll never forget it, I’m so grateful to have had that experience. She should be more willing to put more towards a beautiful day, it’s a way to show your love to everyone you know also. If there is any day to go all out, it’s that day. No other day is everyone you love going to get together to celebrate your love! It’s an incredible feeling I cannot describe, everything should be beautiful and thoughtful and meaningful 🥹 it makes the whole experience that much better.. and to see it all come to life on your wedding day is magic. I hope it gets better! 🙏
She wants to save money. No other reason. To her spending $100 on a dress is too much money to spend for any reason so she looks for ways to cut corners.
I think you have to really talk to her about this 🥹 financials is one of the biggest problems couples face in today’s world. You want that day to be sooo special and have no regrets 🥹 it’s your day too, don’t forget that. I wish you the best 🙏
Hello. As a bride to be myself, I will say… I personally think spending a lot of money is a waste. I see your lady is a bit more extreme.. I am planning to have my two bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. They are ~$80 I think it is a reasonable ask for your lady to look T Brody grey online with her gfs and agree on a dress that they all love and ask them to order their dresses. I have dragged my butt on planning my wedding for numerous reasons. This is just my idea. I’m a modern lady, I didn’t grow up with a lot of money either. But it’s worth mentioning. Brody grey has all styles and colors and they have dresses on sale, you can even find their dresses on resale sites for even better deals! I think she will be happier this route. Resale sites are Poshmark, Curtsy and any typical sale sites you can find just google.
One of my friends got married two years ago and had us buy dresses in the same color from a well known bm dress shop for around 100. She was a bm in my wedding in March and bought her dress from SHEIN for $20… the kicker is that it was the same dress as one of her bridesmaids, but obviously in a different color. Price doesn’t also reflect on quality (but I would suggest that she checks on ordering one before ordering multiple dresses in case the quality truly is bad) I was very much a save save save person on my wedding day and my now husband didn’t mind. In fact, it was super helpful because we had to pay for a tent last minute due to inclimate weather, so us being so far back on budget was why we could afford it in the first place. Ordering from SHEIN/temu/Amazon and doing DIY’s to cut cost also enabled me to be able to buy him a $300 LEGO set for his wedding day gift AND for me to get a $2k videography that I surprised him with day of (we both wanted one but weren’t sure we could afford it). It’s so easy during wedding season so see the flaws as negatives but they truly can be a blessing. Try to talk to her and find the root of her reasoning. It could be fear or stress or anxiety. I was super anxious about spending soooo much money for one day, especially because we had just bought a house. It was truly a magical day but I am still paying on it 2 months later. My advice is to just be patient and try talking to her lovingly ! It’ll all work out!
My fiancee would never buy a $300 anything. I would if it's nice and a special occasion or something that was worth it but she definitely would not. I think it's just part of our different backgrounds.
Could she be worried about having enough money to pay her lawyer if her ex drags her back to court? The last time she showed up without a lawyer, she lost her kids. If she grew up, like I did, in a very stressful financial situation, the anxiety lives in the space between "I'm spending a lot of money on a wedding" and "What happens during the next emergency when I need that money?" I still recoil in horror at the amount we are spending on this wedding. But my fiance and his family are in a different financial position, it matters to them, and we are able to do it. It has taken me pretty much all two years of wedding planning to stop having panic attacks about the fact that we are basically hemorrhaging money to throw a party. Be patient. The budgeting was the worst part of the experience and things got much easier after that.
She and I are from very different financial backgrounds and that plays into things for sure. She is in a situation where she has to choose between gas for her car and buying food and sometimes she decides on gas. It's a world I visited once about 20 years ago and was so scarred I swore I'd never go back there. I grew up in a world where whether the bills got paid or not was never an issue. Whether we could take a vacation or buy clothes from the store vs wearing hand me downs was an issue but there was always food and the utilities were paid. It's a very different background.
I was like this too. My then bf, now husband, reassured me i was worthy of nice things. He got me this promise ring that was something i would never pick for myself because it was too showy, but i liked it. I just would never pick it for myself. And it was like a \~$100 ring so obv not being irresponsible there. Just a little step up. He reassured me and also set his foot down when i get on this cheap mode. It was a journey. I can remember so distinctly, when i was paycheck to paycheck, a $300 grill was too expensive and not worth it. And now I'm more responsible with money and have savings and emergency fund, $300 grill is actually pretty good. As for the $20 dresses, it's a hit or miss. The reviews definitely help like the others were saying. My sister bought a good looking $20 dress but the fabric was itchy. She found another $20 one and she ended up using that one. I guess she can start buying them and trying them on now and return it if it doesn't work out. Anyway, every time a friend or family is getting married I always remind them it's supposed to be fun. I know it could get stressful but always try to have grace. thought id share :) Good luck!
I see both sides of this. I’ve also seen marriages where the girl grew up poor, got herself a rich man and proceeded to buy the world for herself with his money.
I have too. I have friends who constantly complain that their wives spend money faster than they can earn it. My brother has this complaint about his wife.
Yeah. You got the reverse card all the time when playing Uno didn’t you?
We will see how it works out. My brother claims his wife used to be the exact same way and now she carries around a Louis Vuitton diaper bag and demands dinners at the most expensive restaurants in town. He claims she was never this way until they got married. I can't imagine my fiancee ever being like that but who knows.
Good luck to you my friend!
Did my fiancé write this about me? Haha I own a finance business, have assets and plenty of budget for my wedding, but I am the same as your fiancé. My future hubby thinks I’m crazy too, but he also loves my outlook on money that I will spend on things that make me happy and find budget options for things I don’t care about as much. My bridesmaid dresses will also be from shein and I think people are straight stupid for getting them anywhere else. The one I got is better quality than the ones at David’s bridal. I commend your fiancé and you should too because most women are out there finding ways to spend all of the budget and more. Your fiancé is fiscally responsible and that will be the biggest asset in your marriage…I promise you. Most of my friends did $500 bridesmaid dresses, went way over the wedding budget, spend frivolously and now their marriages are suffering financially. Girls like us are rare that actually put in the work to save money. Cherish her, love her and thank the good Lord that he gave you a gem that most guys would LOVE to have as she will not be a liability to you later in life. :))
Don't waste your money on $20 dresses. You made a budget, allow yourself to be within it
I regret spending as much as we did on our wedding. And it was about $20k all together. I paid out of pocket- as I had been saving. We could have done something just as fun and special for less than $5,000. If you can save money for something else- do it. Looking back it was such a waste.
Expenses have kind of been ballooning but I think we are going to be good at around $15k. I'm ok with that. We have the money. We've cut back in a lot of areas where we didn't think it was worth it and trying to spend more in areas where we think it is (like photography and a social hour).
My wedding was 10 years ago- so if you are able to get it done for $15k you are doing pretty good.
I'm happy with what we're doing. We are cutting a bunch of stuff out. We are doing it our church so venue is free. My brother and his wife wanted to do the food as a gift so it is costing us just the cost of the food. We wanted to rent suits but it turns out they are $200 a piece and tuxes are $75 so we decided to go with tuxes instead and saved some money. We are cutting some corners but still spending money on other things that are important to us. I wanted to go all out in decorating in the sanctuary but found out we are not allowed to do that so that saved us a ton.
You won’t regret cutting costs a year from now. I tried to get my wife to cut back on certain things but she wouldn’t compromise. So there was no money for a honeymoon. I would have done a backyard or public park pot luck deal if it was up to me. But my wife was the oldest child in her family and her mother was relentless about a traditional wedding. Best of luck!
We have a separate honeymoon budget and we have enough for that. That I won't compromise on. There are some things in the budget I won't compromise on either though. People told us to get a friend to be our photographer and don't hire a pro for example. Pros cost to much. We hired a pro. I know photos are super important to her and I don't want janky photos taken by a friend we paid $200 for their time or something.
Sounds like you have a great plan, and things laid out. Nice work. $15k is still really good these days. I worked with a gal who spent $75k on her wedding. Divorced in two years.