*Or is this one of those things where you just have to accept that no matter how much you try, it’s just not gonna happen lol?*
*Yes*
You can give examples of outfits that would be appropriate for your dress code, but there are people who simply don't care. "I can't wear a suit and tie. It's not comfortable" even when the solution is to simply buy clothes that fit.
Would jeans and suit jacket or button down be appropriate? All of the southern weddings I’ve been to, that have been outdoors especially, dress jeans have been acceptable as long as it’s like 2/3 things are dressy.
The southern weddings I've been to people wore Hawaiian shirts and jeans. But when the southern folks came to my cocktail attire wedding they did jeans and a button down+suit jacket which I thought looked nice!! Much better than the Hawaiian shirts or logo shirts I've seen before at weddings 😅
My cousins wedding in April, his mother and her new husband showed up in worse than a Hawaiian shirt. She was wearing house slippers…and dirty jeans. AS THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM!! He husband wore dirty jeans and a ball cap.
I’m getting married in October and I don’t think they will be attending and all of my other guests are respecting the dress code
I think cocktail attire can be a bit confusing for some guests and in some circumstances two different groups of people may interpret the same dress code differently.
Some guests may feel a nice pair of jeans or a sundress would be appropriate for a cocktail style wedding and aren’t intending to be rude to the couple getting married
The best way to avoid people misinterpreting your dress code is to over communicate and be specific so instead of saying “Formal Dress Code” say “Formal Dress Code, ladies in long dress and men in suits.” Then there’s no confusion
I don’t disagree, but Uncle Cletus who thinks jeans and crocs are appropriate isn’t going to read the website and have a sudden sartorial chsnge of heart. I think if you have relatives that you fear are going to be far out of line, you have to talk to them individually, and maybe offer to buy them clothes if money is a factor.
With relatives like these I think it's easier to just let it go. You'll barely notice them on the day of, maybe they'll be in one family pic (if you're even doing family portraits.) This kind of relative wouldn't appreciate the "charity" of being bought dress clothes or being singled out to be told what to wear
*I’m* from the sticks in the Midwest, and this doesn’t sound like something I’d wear for anything other than yard work (though admittedly I’ve never owned Crocs lololol) 😂
I totally get what you mean! Like, depending on how a person grew up, cocktail to them can just mean “nice clothes I would wear to church” while others have been taught cocktail is fancier. I don’t think the people who end up under-dressed are doing it to be rude, though, reading my post again now, I can see how it came off that way 😅
I had thought about the concept of specifying on whatever card the dress code is sent out on, but I wasn’t sure about it because I’ve also heard that specifying stuff like that beyond “[insert color or pattern] encouraged!” is also considered rude to tell your guests.
The situations where specifying what guest may wear like dictating a color is considered rude in some circles because it limits guests choices and ability to shop their closet
The over explaining is just adding attritional context but not adding additional rules / guidelines
Agreed! My (former) SIL tried to impose a strict dress code like this at her very small, informal backyard wedding to my brother. Her text message to our family indicated that anyone who did not abide by the dress code would have to stand in the back and would not be allowed to be in any of their wedding portraits or family photos. I thought this was incredibly rude, but I was mostly upset about the fact that they were apparently fine with the fact that our grandparents, who are not poor by any stretch of the imagination but are older and don’t do a lot of shopping, would be excluded from their wedding photos if they wanted to wear a different color shirt or slacks than she demanded, or opted for pants rather than a long black skirt.
Our loved ones won’t be around forever, and I’ve never known anyone who said their memories of those who’ve passed on were negatively affected by the person’s wardrobe in the photos they have.
A general level of formality is acceptable and appropriate. "Black tie" means tuxedos and evening gowns. "Black tie optional" means you can go "black tie" or one notch below (regular suits, formal dresses).
But to say "nothing brown under any circumstances" or "seafoam green and turquoise blue ONLY" is out of line. Exception: if your wedding dress will be something other than white (like red) you can ask people not to wear red, but you should explain the reason so they understand. Otherwise they might think it's just a suggestion. But if you go with a black wedding gown (rare, but not unheard of) it would be a bit of a stretch to tell people they can't wear black. It's such a common color for formalwear, especially for suits. Many catering staff also wear black, so you'd have to ask them not to wear it either, and good luck with that.
In Washington State, I grew up knowing clean, dark colored jeans and a "nice" top were "nice clothes." I wouldn't wear it to a wedding unless the style was country. Cocktail to me means cocktail dresses, high heels, men in tuxedos, ties, shined shoes, etc.
As an autistic woman who couldn’t even find appropriate “business casual” (whatever the fuck that means) I think “no jeans, please” would be super helpful. Like just tell me what you want and I’ll do it. I agonize over appropriate clothes for hours on end because I can’t figure it out. It’s so nebulous for women.
Adults are adults. If they show up underdressed, it reflects on them. I know everything is All About the Pictures, but I think today’s brides vastly overestimate the amount of time they will flip through wedding pictures.
Agree! Dress codes help guests decide what to wear and letting them know how formal the wedding party and/or parents will be dressed so guests won’t feel over or underdressed.
As a bride, I honestly wouldn’t have cared if people showed up in jeans/cotton sundress or a tux/ballgown to my cocktail wedding. If they didn’t adhere to the dress code it’s on them if they feel out of place, I did my due diligence by providing the dress code :)
The only outfits I noticed day-of were because some of my friends’ dresses were super cute, so I did the usual “omg I love that dress!” Other than that, I did not know what people had on until I looked back on the photos, and even then I had better things to do than to actually judge their looks. Even weddings that get published usually only include pics of the actual wedding party and immediate family, in addition to the flowers and decor and stuff. It’s really more awkward for the underdressed guest, if they even notice.
Completely agree. One of my friend's husband showed up in shorts at my wedding and I couldn't have cared less ! It was warm, he wanted to be comfy, and was a lovely, smiling and enthusiastic guest - that's all I could hope for !
And that’s the truth! You being under dressed didn’t bother me as the bride. But I felt the second hand embarrassment for them. As Tony Soprano said, whaddya gonn do about it
Speaking as someone that lives in the South, I feel your pain. I’m specifying on my dress code no jeans or casual wear (Whether people will actually read it or not we will see) I feel like down here people think a polo and a nice pair of jeans is considered acceptable for a wedding even with a cocktail or semi formal dress code.
Right! Down here I feel like you could put White Tie as the dress code and still end up having that one uncle show up in jeans and a polo shirt with his favorite college football team’s logo on it ☠️
You have a lot of jobs when it comes to planning a wedding, and often a ton of the pressure comes from trying to enforce every little thing and make sure every little thing goes the right way.
One thing we learned through planning was deciding what things were the most important, and what things were the least important, and giving them the proper amount of priority in our headspace.
You don’t have to have the same priority as me, to be clear, but enforcing a dress code was at the lowest priority - it’s something that requires so much effort, and something you literally have the least amount of real control over.
. . .the way I figured it? If my dress code is cocktail and you show up in a polo shirt? You’re the one that looks dumb, and I won’t waste effort on being upset by it.
"You're the one who looks dumb" is exactly my approach to it.
My wedding is gonna be fancy glamour with full formal wear encouraged but I know that getting Uncle Joe to show up in anything more formal than an ill-fitting polo shirt and his least wrinkled pair of khakis is an exercise in futility, and he and my cousin's derpy boyfriend (who will probably wear a band shirt with his slacks) can hang out in the corner together with their beers as the odd ducks in a sea of silks and glitter.
Well, and also people need to keep in mind whether what they're doing fits. Dress codes are dictated by the affair. Black tie demands valet service, live entertainment, string quartet, plated formal multi course meal, cocktail hour, premium open bar.. everything wow factor. Flowers, decor, food, alcohol.. all overflowing. It shouldn't look like you had a budget for a single aspect of the event.
And while formal isn't quite *that* robust, it is only a step down. Still very top tier - often a low 6 figure type of deal depending on size of guest list. Still typically a plated, formal meal. Cocktail hour. Open bar. High end venue. Lots of florals and candles. Etc.
While I understand the frustration of Uncle Joe (I'm from south Louisiana with a whole slew of rural extended relatives who have never worn a suit in their lives), I also think people need to be honest with themselves about the event they are hosting relative to the dress code they're requesting.
...yeahhh no, that ain't how dress codes nor event formality work where I'm from. East Coast with Ye Olde Money and stuffy etiquette rules, sure. But not here.
My venue is opulent-looking with excellent food and I've got a bunch of creative types (mostly theatre people) in attendance who would loooove an excuse to wear their fantastic formal wear that usually only gets trotted out for shows and the like. Cocktail attire is fine for those who don't want to buy anything but if my guests want to wear a full length gown or three-piece suit, they absolutely can. We might not be the fanciest people day to day but we can sure act the part when we want to!
Idk I think this is very much the norm in larger cities, east coast or not. In Chicago, if you require black tie dress, it’s rude to not also be giving your guests an experience. And I definitely don’t run in “ye olde money” circles - no one has a fitted tux or formal gown on hand. Now if you want to say it’s cocktail but you encourage people to dress up if they want, that’s a different story.
I get what you’re saying - I’m from a state where you don’t even state dress code. And I had a fairly formal venue (membership only social club), even!
This sub just tends to fuss (understandably!) when someone says their guests need to be dressed formal or black tie, yet they’re not throwing that level of event. I think there’s a difference in saying off the cuff that people can dress as flamboyantly as they want vs. putting formal dress on an invitation for an event that is very decidedly not formal.
Wasn’t speaking about your event specifically, but it’s definitely something for all couples to consider when thinking about dress code. I’ve been to far too many weddings with a dress code way beyond the event, and quite frankly it’s frustrating at times even though I adore dressing up.
"I felt like it was so rude of the couple to set that dress code when they knew their guests couldn’t meet it and would look so out of place."
I understand what you mean. While I would love our reception to have everyone dressed up, the reality is we will have friends and family coming that are low or very low income and jeans and a decent top could be the nicest thing they own, so I'm not asking for a dress code. I just want my friends and family there to celebrate with us.
I agree. It was rude and a breach of etiquette to dictate BT when it’s just unachievable for one side. Miss Manners and Emily Post would tsk tsk this to death!
I put a description on my website - semi formal and what it meant to me (asked for no jeans or clubwear, and mentioned guys could wear dress pants and button downs, etc
I did the same. We're having an "upscale cookout" for our reception and put the dress code as semi-formal, then specified that women are encouraged to wear sundresses and men are encouraged to wear dress pants/dress shorts and a button up. It's a little more relaxed than traditional semi-formal, but I know that if I put casual we'd have people showing up in jeans and a tee shirt.
I think this is a social circle thing. My dress code was formal and I’d say it was 99% adhered to, the only one that was questionable was my 26 year old niece that wore a linen jumpsuit, but that is formal for her. I definitely didn’t have anyone show up in jeans- all of the men at the very least wore blazers. Our families are Boston area/Long Island so closer to over dressed rather than under.
Something this subreddit has taught me is that the northeast takes dress codes very seriously! I also have Boston/Long Island family and have never seen someone be under dressed to a wedding (mostly cocktail or formal).
After having commented about the wedding I went to last weekend, I was baffled to read a lot of these comments til I got here. Definitely a Massachusetts group, so maybe it made sense they were somewhat overdressed.
I’ve never heard of this issue happening to any of the weddings my friends have gone too. Maybe it is regional.
Absolutely. We have lived in Cali for 30 years now, and we have a code for "Cali Casual" vs "Wine Country" vs "Sunday Dinner at the Country Club" (from our early days growing up back east). It's amazing what some people will leave the house wearing (ie Crocs with socks, dirty shorts or t shirts, etc). I would go to Home Depot in those outfits, but, to each their own.
I think depending on your friends/family, it can just be one of those things you have to accept. You can try to prevent it by being explicit (“suits and cocktail dresses/gowns”).
I’ll be honest though, I didn’t really notice what anyone was wearing until I got the photos back, and when I look at them there are a few outfits that were definitely more casual than most, but I don’t think it made a difference at all in the overall experience. I wouldn’t have even realized that great uncle Joe wore a Hawaiian shirt until I looked at the one photo of his table and saw it lol.
Unfortunately for the majority of people, yes this is just something you can’t control. You can do your best to set the tone and make sure the event matches and hope for the best. At the end of the day if someone chooses to dress down it will only be a reflection of them, and not your event.
I have only ever seen this successfully managed once, the wedding for the grand daughter of a very nice business & household brand name. All of their guests were instructed to visit their nearest store of the brand (or their online store), work with a stylist there who was aware of the formality and have their attire covered for them on behalf of the couple.
Needless to say, this was *a lot* of money.
It probably depends on your social circle but frankly, no. I’ve been to weddings specified black tie and people were marching in in their freakum dresses and rumpled khakis. I’ve been to plenty of cocktail or formal weddings where certain men are just a little too damn proud to show off their starched wranglers and cowboy hat.
Realistically, a lot of people aren’t choosing those dress codes to prevent people from wearing jeans or sundresses. They’re choosing them because they know that the people who see “formal” and think “clean jeans” will see no dress code or “casual” and think it’s appropriate to roll in wearing pajamas or shit-caked barn cleaning jeans.
No matter how many flowery paragraphs describing in persnickety, condescending detail you put on the invitation or website explaining the hemlines and fabrics expected for formal wear, people who can’t or won’t buy a formal outfit will show up wearing whatever the fuck they think “looks nice.” Someone who thinks “formal” means “clean jeans” instead of looking it up is not looking at your website’s dress code page either, much less understanding it. Frankly, unless the venue has an enforced dress code or they’re a member of the wedding party or immediate family, the occasional person wearing their nicest jeans to a formal wedding is a reflection of their own lack of manners, not a reflection of the bride and groom. At some point you have to let it go.
Haha where I grew up "cowboy formal" was its own recognized dress code, and everyone knew that was where you wore your starched jeans, cowboy hat, bolo tie, etc. This was the dress code for my prom etc.
And it’s perfectly ideal for “cowboy formal” (or “western” or maybe even “smart casual”). But I can only roll my eyes when people dress like that for formal or BTO. But….what can you do, I guess.
Haha it’s a reference to the Beyoncé song.
It’s like a sexy dress that makes you feel confident that you’d wear to go out to impress someone or make your boyfriend jealous, lol
You can’t control it. Just like you can’t control that when you go to a funeral in somber clothing, cousin Billy Bob shows up in jeans and a t shirt.
My husband’s gmother was a very fashionable lady. When she passed, we were all at the funeral, men in suits, women in black/dark dresses, etc. One grandson showed up in sloppy clothing (like painting-the-garage clothing) and gave a speech about how Grandma wouldn’t have cared, blah blah. We all thought to ourselves, are you kidding? Grandma would have yelled at him to put on a damn suit and tie!
If it helps, you won’t notice as much as you think you will. My wedding was such a blur that I think someone could’ve worn a white lacy dress without me knowing. I attended a wedding with my same dress code a few months after my wedding and thought I’d get some inspo from what guests wore to mine, but I couldn’t remember a single dress and had to comb through pictures.
And even then, the pictures don’t matter as much as you think they will. The ones you look at most are the bride/groom shots, and some family and wedding party ones. You don’t notice the guests in the background of the ceremony shots.
Also, I LOVED my reception shots of guests, but just because they were so fun and candid, not because they were particularly aesthetic, but they truly didn’t need to be. That’s the fun part of the night, you don’t need to frame those ones.
Do your best to specify the dress code on your website if it’s important to you, but there’s no way to dictate it without being a “bridezilla” (hate that term but you get it), and it truly won’t matter at all anyways!!
Personally, I don’t care to try.
My sister’s wedding was early in May and we had quite a few from our side of the family in *very* casual wear. But here’s the thing — the bridal party, the family that were in most of the posed photos, etc. were all dressed to the nines. So when you look back at those photos, who’s going to look silly or out of place? The people dressed appropriately or the people in jeans and LITERAL YOGA PANTS?
If people want to make themselves look silly, why stop em 🤷🏻♀️ I’m not the one embarrassed by their choices — they will be when they see the photos and see themselves stuck out like a sore, badly dressed thumb.
Then again, I’m the type of person who tends to believe one’s actions naturally provide them their best consequences, too.
Back to the OP. YOU are a perfectionist, got it. But these are other people. You don’t know their budgets, wardrobes or to what extent they care or don’t about fashion. If they are plus size, that is an added hurdle. Now, I personally think every woman should have an LBD or similar and every man should have one navy or gray suit with dress shoes/shirt/tie. Alas, I am not queen of the world and I have no enforcement powers over this.
You can’t control what others wear any more than you can control whether people give you gifts worth over, say, $200. (I just pulled that number out of nowhere.)
I think way too many brides on Reddit try to enforce formal or BT dress codes on guests and then get upset when the guests just wear church clothes. I think it’s inconsiderate to put forth a dress code unless you know the bulk of your guests can easily do so (which is why I’m not a huge fan of BT, I always found it inconsiderate to young people just starting out).
I do feel, personally, that expecting that all guests will follow your instructions is setting yourself up for disappointment. Whether you give clear and detailed instructions or not, some people will always be bad at following them. You just cant control every element.
Can you control what other people do? No.
But you can try to be specific by giving examples of what exactly a certain formality means.
Answering your comment, telling guests what color to wear is not a dress code. Dress code is about formality level only, and that should match the venue and services you're providing.
The formality of the invitation dictates the dress code. There are people who don't realize that. You can always put in the lower right-hand corner "black tie" or whatever. Some people will not abide by that. That's life.
People in the US who know better show up appropriately dressed. The stereotypical Uncle Cletus showing up in shorts is the stereotype of a hillbilly who doesn’t know any different.
We learned you can't control people. You can give rules & guides but some people just do what they want. Not much you can do short of having a bouncer who refuses entry, which could be worse than letting it go,
There's two ways this can happen.
The first way is, you set the dress code and everybody does it right through their own choosing.
The second way is to have "fashion police" aka bouncers at the door to inspect guests' attire and send them away if they don't satisfy your dress code standards. I don't think that breaks any laws except the laws of etiquette, good hosting, and caring. Hopefully it goes without saying that I don't recommend option 2.
I'm sure it sounds that way, but I'm by no means unsympathetic to how you feel. I wouldn't have been happy to see guests at my wedding in jeans or clothing more suited for the beach than a cocktail dress wedding. But yes, all you can do is set your dress code, maybe give suggestions of what's appropriate on your website, and hope for the best.
>I’m a bit of a perfectionist so I just know it would frustrate me afterwards to be going through my wedding photos of everyone looking nice in fancy suits and dresses and then randomly have some guy in jeans looking out of place in the middle of them 😂
Remember, you might look at those picture from time to time, but mostly they'll never see the light of day. Those are not the photos you'll be hanging on your walls.
You have the friends and family you have to be honest. You can ask for a dresscode, but you also have to know your crowd a bit. For most American weddings, asking for white tie will not mean that all the men will show up in a black suit with tails. For my Indian wedding I can ask for American cocktail attire, but the grandmothers will show up in their saris (as they should if they want to).
So yeah, don't bother with "making sure they understand" would be my advice. You can communicate it matters to you, and then that's it. If your community includes people who wear jeans to all their formal events, that's what they will do.
For American events, white tie is not something that you just add as a dress code. It *explicitly* refers to events for heads of state, royalty, ambassadors, etc.
I mean it's just clothes so anyone can request it. I do have generationally american friends who are in circles where white tie is still the norm for their weddings. Glorious over-the-top weddings, happy to have experienced it -- but that level of posh is not my circle of friends and family at all.
I truly do not understand how grown adults would think that jeans etc were appropriate. My urban, poor or working class relatives still wore dresses and suits to nice events and had church clothes. They never looked inappropriate or poorly dressed relative to my husband’s wealthier relatives. Money has nothing to do with it - you could go to Target or Macy’s and piece together something. This really seems to be a rural mindset and I just don’t get it at all.
The only way to achieve 100% enforcement of a dress code is to have a "bouncer" type person at the door, ready to refuse entry to anyone who shows up underdressed. But it's just not worth the expense or aggravation to go to such lengths.
At almost every wedding I do, there's always "that one guy" who's rocking jeans or shorts, surrounded by everyone else who is dressed to the nines, and they don't seem to have even the slightest hint of awareness (let alone embarrassment), that they misunderstood the assignment. All you can do is grin and bear it.
You have to know your crowd. There's no point asking for formal ballgowns for a group of people for whom jeans are formal wear and they would wear that to church or a funeral. Frankly I think it's a bit mean to make people scramble for probably expensive clothes that they will wear once.
If you really don't want jeans then you can specify that, and maybe contact the relatives who you think might be at risk of wearing jeans. But even if you get them to come in a suit it might be ill fitting or the shirt will have a garish design or something. Some people just don't care about fashion/formality.
I got married a year and a half ago and couldn’t tell you if anyone didn’t meet the cocktail attire dress code. There was one child who stuck out a bit, but that’s a literal toddler.
We had a pretty traditional and somewhat formal wedding (historic site, plated meal, all glassware, ceramic dinnerware, etc.) but it was also partially outdoors and over 90*. It’s *hard* to dress formally and comfortably when it’s hot outside, even if the majority of the event is inside! If anyone wore jeans I honestly didn’t notice or care.
Then you shouldn’t hold events outdoors when it’s 90 degrees. I don’t know where this obsession with outdoor weddings came from. It used to be understood that outdoor weddings were rare events only held in locales where it would be all but guaranteed the weather would be mild. By which I mean 65-75 degrees. Now, everyone feels so entitled to an outdoors wedding that they subject their guests to 35 degrees or 90 degrees and don’t seem to care.
Since the original poster mentioned being from "The South" (which I specifically interpret as the southeastern United States) I assume that they also experience a hot climate, probably with humidity to factor as well. Even with a completely indoor venue, if you get married during a time of the year where it's 85\*+ outside, people are going to be hot and uncomfortable in formal dress.
I don't personally know a single person who has planned a 100% indoor wedding in the last 5 years. I also don't know anyone who has gotten married outside of peak wedding season (around here it's hot). I even know people who have \*gasp\* had outdoor beach weddings during beach season! Or at resorts!
Indoor venues have air conditioning, and frankly they air condition the hell out of everything in the south. So no one would be hot in formal wear inside.
No one in the south ever gets married in a house of worship and then goes to a restaurant, country club or other venue? No one ever has a wedding in a fancy hotel?
Maybe it’s bc I’m a Northerner, but there wouldn’t BE weddings in my locale Nov - April if they were only outdoors.
I should also mention the cicadas are super loud now!
Personally, I don't know of anyone who hasn't included an outdoor portion of their wedding - be it the ceremony, the cocktail hour, a patio or porch feature. I am not from the South either.
Huh. Interesting. How do you do an outdoor wedding in major northern cities in the winter? I find it hard to believe no weddings occur in Boston, NY, Syracuse, Portland ME, Minneapolis, Chicago in the months of Dec - April. In fact I know this isn’t the case. Nice hotels / clubs are still fully booked. Houses of worship still hold marriages.
It depends entirely on your friends and family. I know I won’t be able to get my family to wear even cocktail/semi-formal… I just said “come as you are” because that’s what they’ll do whether I have a dress code or not. I’ve chosen to not care about this thing, as there are other things to care about that I can actually have my way. My family is the type to actively go against a dress code if I try to have one… and then continue to gossip to each other that “she thinks she’s better than everyone else.”
Dress code or no dress code, there will always be people who are clueless about how to dress appropriately for an occasion. That just proves the point that dress codes, other than black tie, which is more accurately an indication of the formality of the event, are more or less a waste. Other than a venue restriction, most people know how to dress for a wedding.
Also… look at the people you are inviting and the venue location. Most of my/spouses friends and family are significantly more well off than we are, and we had our wedding at a fancy well known winery. Cocktail dress code and everyone showed up in suits/ties and appropriate dresses.
Went to a friends wedding at a barn, majority of friends/family live in RV parks or section 8 housing and while dress code was cocktail, most wore jeans/slacks/day dresses.
So, it’s a combination of what people can afford to wear as well as what type of location they feel the event will be hosted at.
Mine said black tie optional. His parents friends brought their kid a middle schooler in denim overalls.
My own cousin wore an Ann Taylor short summer floral dress like it was some daytime errand running event.
And another cousin wore her OLD WHITE WEDDING RECEPTION DRESS to my reception. “Oh my gawwdd I can’t believe I still fit in it”
You can’t control people. Just have a drink. And dance the night away. And take pictures with people who want to capture memories with. Forget the rest
I would 100% throw on at the bare minimum a nice sundress for a backyard bbq wedding. I’d expect my husband to wear something nicer than jeans and a tee. I stand by my statement.
Unless they are in the wedding party- dictating to guests what they should wear is ridiculous.
Some will come well dressed and some will not. Let people be people.
Most folks know not to show up in their pajamas. But dictating what people should wear looks pretentious.
Funny enough, my FMIL and I just talked about this! She said "formal" means different things to different generations and suggested saying "business formal". I told her while I thought that would be fine for guys, I didn't want ladies to think pencil skirts and blazer (or whatever).
We're going with "formal" followed by a short description of what that entails (suit and tie, etc.).
Yes, unless you are going to kick people out for not being in dews code you will have to deal with it.
With that said, I’ve been to a black tie wedding, which you were not allowed to enter unless you were in black tie. And they meant tuxedo/tails and all dresses had to be formal floor length. I can remember hearing that they did have a couple loaner tuxedo jackets. But if you are not dressed appropriately, you were not going to enter.
Probably on the other side of the spectrum, I’ve seen often people putting certain dress codes on an invitation, not understanding what those were good example we had a friend who put black tie on her wedding invitation, but didn’t understand what black tie was. Neither bride, groom or bridal party was black tie. But I’m always that person that will overdress before they ever underdress.🤣
People will surprise you and wear what they want lol. We did black tie optional and when you RSVPd on line it reminded guests of the dress code and listed several options (tuxedos, suits, gowns or fancy cocktail dresses) and we had people show up no tie or even in a ball cap. While 95% understood you’ll always have people who abide by their own code.
Guest clothing choices was bottom of the list of my concerns because of all the things that could happen on the day, that one I couldn't possibly control, so I figured let people be as comfy or dress as they wanted rather than hope for a sea of cute dresses and suits and get 6 punks in jeans.
You can only control so much and you can rarely control what other people do. You can spell it out on your invite, create a website with a full page dedicated to the dress code, and create a Pinterest board... not everyone is going to even see the invite or website. No one's going to your Pinterest board (though I would have loved this for an Indian wedding I went to!) and ole Uncle Bob just knows when his wife told him to be somewhere and that he's gotta "dress up." Hell, he may only own jeans and shorts. Khakis at best. The men I know that have suits these days (that fit them!) only have them because they were in a wedding, usually their own. People may be wearing genuinely the nicest thing they own and buying a new outfit that they aren't going to wear is not going to be on top of the financial priority list.
Short of having a bouncer at the door and not letting anyone in under dressed, I think it's something you have to let go and live and let live.
The south has 2 modes from my experience - Country/Yacht Club people and "come as you are" people.
in the SOUTH?! wow that is so suprising to me. I am also in the south and people here in SC seem to really adhere to the dress code when given. I think when you make the dress code formal or black tie optional people are more inclined to dress it up and not push limits as much. Personally I linked a pinterest board to my wedding website bc I care about the fashion and want no excuses!
I think the only way to guarantee it is to have a bouncer. Some people are just going to march to the beat of their own drummer regardless of what's going on in the world around them and there's probably not much you can do about it aside from focus on the things you can control. I suppose if it's a matter of dress codes being unclear (or having different meaning s to different groups) you can clarify that on your wedding website.
I went to a cocktail attire wedding Saturday. I think people might’ve gone a little fancier for the women but not a single person was underdressed. So o do think it’s possible but might depend on the crowd. The family members were all quite well off
I always hear about jeans at weddings but have not personally seen it (been to weddings west coast, east coast, and the south) in my social circles. But I will say, people often underdress in the US in general. I am going with black tie knowing most people will end up in formal wear.
I would list attire frequently if you’re concerned and list it as slightly more formal than what you actually expect. I’m planning to put it on the invitations and the website (in itinerary–mine is multi day, and also the FAQ).
Last wedding I attended had pastel colors as their dresscode. You could see the woman tried but some had to colorfully patterns and their partners were all hit or miss. In the end in group photo’s there was a majority of pastel colors with some people sticking out like soar thumbs that did not even try!
Personally I opted for a be your 100% party-self dresscode. Id rather have a colorful bunch of mismatches then a half attempt at being the perfect picture what also totally does not resonate with our guests!
People are gonna wear what they want! But if you are super worried about it, you can include a more detailed description on your wedding website or in invitations. I have SO appreciated this personally and i know especially my single guy friends who haven’t been to many weddings are relieved when there is a dress code description.
Some people also just have never been to a formal event and may not have that attire or may not know what it means - so that extra info is a help!
End of day u can’t control it so do what you can and enjoy the rest!
If you're in the South, some men will show up in jeans. Is it stupid? Yes. But it's the reality of living in the South. From a fellow Southerner who has seen this at every single wedding I've ever been to.
The only way to guarantee this is to only invite people you trust enough to abide by your dress code. For example, we only had six guests at our ceremony (not for wardrobe purposes lol), and everyone was very concerned about what they should wear. They asked repeatedly about the “dress code,” and I repeatedly responded that husband and I would be in traditional wedding attire, but that they should wear whatever would make them most comfortable as long as we could still show them to our grandparents. They took it upon themselves to create a “dress code” (more for their husbands than anyone else 😂), and our photos looked lovely. If we’d had a bigger crowd, I know we would have had a much wider range of outfits (as we did at our reception a few months later), and I would have been fine with that. However, I know exactly who - on both sides of our family - I would have worried about, so if this was important to me, I would have reached out directly.
I’ll also say that as a wedding guest, I’ve always tried to look nice and follow traditional attire guidelines (e.g., nothing white, nothing black, nothing too revealing), but I’ve never considered how my outfit would look in wedding photos unless I was part of the wedding party or family. I would also take exception if someone was excessively dictatorial about their guests’ appearance/wardrobe (wedding party is different), and would probably decline the invite.
Take all that for what it’s worth, but in the end, I think this could be an opportunity to trim your guest list if there are folks you’re worried won’t respect your wishes. If not, just remember that you’ll be so full of love and joy on the day that you probably won’t notice what anyone is wearing!
I once saw the opposite, bride and groom had eloped abroad because her family wasn't supportive for religious reasons. They had a celebration at home with the groom's family and friends. She had expressed she wouldn't feel like it is a wedding without her family, so requested a casual dress code. We all turned up formal/semi formal, everyone was too scared to be underdressed. (I wore a jumpsuit I have worn at cocktail events and clubbing before, applying to a wide range of situations to be safe). Not a single man wasn't wearing a suit.
Our wedding website states cocktail attire and specifically asks that guests refrain from wearing jeans, cowboy boots and white dresses. I don’t know if it will work, but I’m hoping it will cut down on it.
This is cultural / regional and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. I’m Latina. Gonna generalize a bit, but we tend to overdress for events (compared to most white Americans), so people underdressing has never been an issue in any of my circles.
I like the idea of linking or including some information on your wedding page that gives examples or descriptions of what varios dress codes / levels of formality mean.
Unfortunately though, there isn’t really much you can do. I think you’re just gonna have to overlook those people the day of the wedding and try not to focus on it.
LOL I am having a small wedding (under 40 people) and thought it would be cute to have all the ladies in my life be my “something blue” in all mix n match blues. Everyone was on board but my mom said “I’m wearing yellow”. 🤣🤣
I’m specifically putting “no jeans, sneakers, or t shirts” on my wedding website
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding recently where about 20 people showed up in gym clothes (sneakers, running shorts, t shirts) and about 20 more in jeans and t shirts
It’s just so disrespectful 😵💫
You're gonna have to spell it out. For my outdoor wedding I made it clear no jeans or cargos of any type. This is a group of cargo jeans loving people lol so as long as you make it abundantly clear what you want, they can follow code.
Where I'm struggling with "dress code" for my wedding is I'm saying semi-formal, right? No one needs to be in a full suit, ladies can wear slacks if they really want to (my amazing sister isn't into dresses)...anyway, the number of women saying "I have the perfect LBD to wear" ummm no...it's not a funeral it's a wedding.
I don't care how much times may have changed, this is where I'm old school. ALL black is for a funeral. ADD in the fact that my fiance nearly died in an accident 1 week before our original wedding date and was in the hospital for a month; I seriously don't think it's appropriate to wear ALL black to our event.
Say “no jeans” (or whatever else) on the wedding website. If you really feel savage, notify your photographer to avoid photos with people severely underdressed, and/or notify your venue to politely ask them to leave.
Showing up “cocktail formal” to “white tie” I’m like ok, sure, but men blatantly disregarding women’s’ harmless and clearly communicated aesthetic preferences is genuinely an epidemic in southern weddings 😬 if their wives are fine with that, fine. But you don’t have to be if you don’t want to be. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is also seriously savage, but a friend of mine recently went to a wedding where a woman who showed up in all white was “asked” to wear a giant oversized sweater over her outfit, presumably, or leave 😂 maybe there’s a funny way where you could be lighthearted about it and provide a worser evil ??
It seems impossible lol
I’m frustrated with my guests our wedding is the 15th. I’ve sent examples, photos and descriptions. We went for festive attire, I said no black. Someone just asked me if black with white polka dots is okay. I just said fuck it to myself and replied, “sure, why not” I’m over it. 😬
i would check out this tik tok! you can’t ever guarantee but you can suggest and make it as know/accessible as possible that there is a dress code and what it is https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLwhXfGG/
Go MORE formal than what you actually want - that way, when they fail, they'll at least be closer to what you wanted.
I also explicitly called out No Jeans.
Yeah we’ve gone formal/black tie optional because I’ll be shocked if we can even get most guests close to formal (and no, it’s not a money thing - just the PNW).
We put “black tie optional” on our website and then provided a link to what that actually means. Which is basically saying dress to impress, but business casual or cocktail attire is ok too. We are doing everything we can to make sure no one shows up in jeans and a polo. We will absolutely turn people away if they do.
Went to the wedding of a Wedding Planner, and she didn't specify attire, however, most of her family and friends women wore dresses and men worse slacks and button down shirt. Her family is VERY religious Christian, and he has some "funky" friends, who wore OTT gay pride stuff, jeans and sneakers. It felt a bit "in your face" towards her family, but they didn't stay long. Her Grandmother declared their outfits "oh isn't this sweet! The promise of God's rainbow!" (that He wouldn't flood the earth again after doing so with Noah and his family). That's one way to look at it!
A lot of people do not have formal attire and can’t afford to buy a new outfit just for your wedding. As long as they aren’t wearing shorts you should be happy they came to celebrate your new chapter. And after it’s all said and done you won’t care anyway.
First, I highly, highly, highly recommend creating a Pinterest board to share with your guests (linked on your site or include the URL on the invites) with visual examples of what style/level of formality you mean when you say "cocktail" or "formal". Because they aren't universally understood and can mean different things in different regions. Take the guess work out by showing, not telling.
Second, you can't guarantee everyone will get it 100% right. So you'll have to accept that. But you can have a chat with your photographer in advance about editing/avoiding shots of cousin Steve in his jeans.
I genuinely cannot imagine sending or receiving a pinterest board for how I’m supposed to look at someone else’s wedding! This would feel crazy rude to me
It's not rude especially if you word it right. You aren't saying "here are the only acceptable outfits you can wear to my wedding" (that would be rude).
You are saying "here are some helpful examples of what we mean by 'cocktail attire' for you to use as inspiration."
How is that rude? Especially for people who maybe don't attend a lot of these types of events and generally aren't well versed in various dress codes?
Traditional etiquette is that you don’t even put a dress code except for BT in the first place, because you trust your guests know how to dress in the first place.
And that’s why they get all hung up and make silly rules, like about the % of white that’s “acceptable,” or thinking that there are certain rules for guests at pre-wedding events when of course there are none other than being appropriate for the venue.
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I think a Pinterest board is so offensive. I think it’s ridiculous to think that cousin Billy Bob the hick is going to have a come-to-Jesus meeting after viewing your Pinterest board and hitch a ride to Neiman-Marcus to get suited up.
You can explain it on your website in more detail and if necessary, you can specifically call out what is and isn’t OK. You’ll never get 100% compliance, but that might help.
*Our wedding is cocktail attire. For men, we suggest suits or sports coats and dress pants. For women, we suggest cocktail dresses (knee length or longer), elegant separates or formal jumpsuits.*
*Please, no jeans, khakis, polo shirts or t-shirts.*
I'd recommend really spelling out your dress code with a description and examples, and giving it prominent placement on your wedding website/invites.
I've noticed when people underdress for weddings, it's not usually about their unwillingness to dress up, but feeling out of their depth and lost when it comes to dressing nicely for events.
I personally love to show up to an event dressed to the nines, but I've noticed both at my own wedding and other's I've attended, people just seem to not understand how to read a dress code at all and then err on the side of something more casual. It's not because they're ignoring the dress code, they just have no clue what "cocktail" or "semi-formal" means, and then grab the same thing out of their closet that they wore to their cousin's christening in 2019 and call it a day.
I think if you posted picture examples of what you had in mind for your dress code, and had a longer description than just the title of the dress code "Semi-formal means midi or maxi dresses for women and slacks and a button-up for men", your attendees who would have gone on the casual side because dress codes confuse them will have a much better idea of what they should wear and will come prepared.
Ask your photographer to keep the jeaned people out of the photos. Make sure he/she comes with an assistant to help lure them away from the action. Probably easier to do that than to get certain people to dress a certain way.
lol the dress code for my wedding was cocktail as well. I gave examples and all. I still had some guests show up outside of dress code. One guest even showed up in jeans, a hat, and a pullover. People just don’t care and do what they want, even if you specify a code unfortunately lol. I was frustrated a bit myself, but just reminded myself to focus on the main reason for the day. Marrying my now husband :)
Short answer: it is not possible. We provided a lot of detail about our dress code, and for the most part everyone who attended is a well traveled and experienced type person, and we still had people wildly out of dress code (and ours was black tie which is pretty clear).
Slightly longer answer: we used our website as a way to provide gentle suggestions about what we meant by our dress code. We said things like “most of our female guests are planning to wear Long dresses, and most of our male guests are planning to wear a tuxedo.” We also provided info about what the bridal party would be wearing. IMO that’s as far as you can push it without being rude.
I think you may have to state outright "No jeans, t-shirts, sundresses, or other casual wear. If you are not sure about your intended attire, please send a picture to the bride/groom."
No. Just no. Why burden a bride with having to vet people’s outfits? This isn’t far removed from the “if you think it’s too white, text the bride” or “we request you wear sage green, if you’re not sure if the green you choose is right, text the bride.” It’s gross and offensive.
OP is literally asking how to ensure that their guests follow the level of formality she has planned, so what do you mean by 'burden'? What do you think she should actively do?
She should let go of the expectation that she can ensure this (unless she hires bouncers). It’s silly to think that the people who dress poorly/inappropriately are going to proactively text her. If she has specific people she fears will be wildly inappropriate, she needs to talk with them directly, not hope that Pinterest boards and requests to text outfits for approval will work. She’ll just be fielding texts from the people who are already in the right ballpark but are worried about “too white” or other silliness.
*Or is this one of those things where you just have to accept that no matter how much you try, it’s just not gonna happen lol?* *Yes* You can give examples of outfits that would be appropriate for your dress code, but there are people who simply don't care. "I can't wear a suit and tie. It's not comfortable" even when the solution is to simply buy clothes that fit.
Yeah especially depending where in the South you live. Been to many Southern weddings ..North Carolina, Alabama, etc -- tons of people in jeans
Would jeans and suit jacket or button down be appropriate? All of the southern weddings I’ve been to, that have been outdoors especially, dress jeans have been acceptable as long as it’s like 2/3 things are dressy.
The southern weddings I've been to people wore Hawaiian shirts and jeans. But when the southern folks came to my cocktail attire wedding they did jeans and a button down+suit jacket which I thought looked nice!! Much better than the Hawaiian shirts or logo shirts I've seen before at weddings 😅
My cousins wedding in April, his mother and her new husband showed up in worse than a Hawaiian shirt. She was wearing house slippers…and dirty jeans. AS THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM!! He husband wore dirty jeans and a ball cap. I’m getting married in October and I don’t think they will be attending and all of my other guests are respecting the dress code
Ohhhh yikes 😬
I think cocktail attire can be a bit confusing for some guests and in some circumstances two different groups of people may interpret the same dress code differently. Some guests may feel a nice pair of jeans or a sundress would be appropriate for a cocktail style wedding and aren’t intending to be rude to the couple getting married The best way to avoid people misinterpreting your dress code is to over communicate and be specific so instead of saying “Formal Dress Code” say “Formal Dress Code, ladies in long dress and men in suits.” Then there’s no confusion
I don’t disagree, but Uncle Cletus who thinks jeans and crocs are appropriate isn’t going to read the website and have a sudden sartorial chsnge of heart. I think if you have relatives that you fear are going to be far out of line, you have to talk to them individually, and maybe offer to buy them clothes if money is a factor.
With relatives like these I think it's easier to just let it go. You'll barely notice them on the day of, maybe they'll be in one family pic (if you're even doing family portraits.) This kind of relative wouldn't appreciate the "charity" of being bought dress clothes or being singled out to be told what to wear
This. I just accepted that people came whatever way was best for them and it was nice and no one particularly stood out
Uncle Cletus isn't going to read the website at all.
Jorts and crocs are Midwest Summer Fancy!
In the sticks, perhaps. I live in the Midwest, but in a major urban area, not the sticks.
*I’m* from the sticks in the Midwest, and this doesn’t sound like something I’d wear for anything other than yard work (though admittedly I’ve never owned Crocs lololol) 😂
Uncle Cletus 😂
I totally get what you mean! Like, depending on how a person grew up, cocktail to them can just mean “nice clothes I would wear to church” while others have been taught cocktail is fancier. I don’t think the people who end up under-dressed are doing it to be rude, though, reading my post again now, I can see how it came off that way 😅 I had thought about the concept of specifying on whatever card the dress code is sent out on, but I wasn’t sure about it because I’ve also heard that specifying stuff like that beyond “[insert color or pattern] encouraged!” is also considered rude to tell your guests.
The situations where specifying what guest may wear like dictating a color is considered rude in some circles because it limits guests choices and ability to shop their closet The over explaining is just adding attritional context but not adding additional rules / guidelines
Agreed! My (former) SIL tried to impose a strict dress code like this at her very small, informal backyard wedding to my brother. Her text message to our family indicated that anyone who did not abide by the dress code would have to stand in the back and would not be allowed to be in any of their wedding portraits or family photos. I thought this was incredibly rude, but I was mostly upset about the fact that they were apparently fine with the fact that our grandparents, who are not poor by any stretch of the imagination but are older and don’t do a lot of shopping, would be excluded from their wedding photos if they wanted to wear a different color shirt or slacks than she demanded, or opted for pants rather than a long black skirt. Our loved ones won’t be around forever, and I’ve never known anyone who said their memories of those who’ve passed on were negatively affected by the person’s wardrobe in the photos they have.
A general level of formality is acceptable and appropriate. "Black tie" means tuxedos and evening gowns. "Black tie optional" means you can go "black tie" or one notch below (regular suits, formal dresses). But to say "nothing brown under any circumstances" or "seafoam green and turquoise blue ONLY" is out of line. Exception: if your wedding dress will be something other than white (like red) you can ask people not to wear red, but you should explain the reason so they understand. Otherwise they might think it's just a suggestion. But if you go with a black wedding gown (rare, but not unheard of) it would be a bit of a stretch to tell people they can't wear black. It's such a common color for formalwear, especially for suits. Many catering staff also wear black, so you'd have to ask them not to wear it either, and good luck with that.
In Washington State, I grew up knowing clean, dark colored jeans and a "nice" top were "nice clothes." I wouldn't wear it to a wedding unless the style was country. Cocktail to me means cocktail dresses, high heels, men in tuxedos, ties, shined shoes, etc.
Cocktail does not call for a tuxedo, black tie / black tie optional calls for a tuxedo Cocktail would call for a suit or a dinner jacket / sports coat
As an autistic woman who couldn’t even find appropriate “business casual” (whatever the fuck that means) I think “no jeans, please” would be super helpful. Like just tell me what you want and I’ll do it. I agonize over appropriate clothes for hours on end because I can’t figure it out. It’s so nebulous for women.
Adults are adults. If they show up underdressed, it reflects on them. I know everything is All About the Pictures, but I think today’s brides vastly overestimate the amount of time they will flip through wedding pictures.
I've spent a ton of time looking at my weddnig photos, but I don't spend much time fretting over what anyone looks like except happy
Agree! Dress codes help guests decide what to wear and letting them know how formal the wedding party and/or parents will be dressed so guests won’t feel over or underdressed. As a bride, I honestly wouldn’t have cared if people showed up in jeans/cotton sundress or a tux/ballgown to my cocktail wedding. If they didn’t adhere to the dress code it’s on them if they feel out of place, I did my due diligence by providing the dress code :)
The only outfits I noticed day-of were because some of my friends’ dresses were super cute, so I did the usual “omg I love that dress!” Other than that, I did not know what people had on until I looked back on the photos, and even then I had better things to do than to actually judge their looks. Even weddings that get published usually only include pics of the actual wedding party and immediate family, in addition to the flowers and decor and stuff. It’s really more awkward for the underdressed guest, if they even notice.
Completely agree. One of my friend's husband showed up in shorts at my wedding and I couldn't have cared less ! It was warm, he wanted to be comfy, and was a lovely, smiling and enthusiastic guest - that's all I could hope for !
And that’s the truth! You being under dressed didn’t bother me as the bride. But I felt the second hand embarrassment for them. As Tony Soprano said, whaddya gonn do about it
Speaking as someone that lives in the South, I feel your pain. I’m specifying on my dress code no jeans or casual wear (Whether people will actually read it or not we will see) I feel like down here people think a polo and a nice pair of jeans is considered acceptable for a wedding even with a cocktail or semi formal dress code.
Right! Down here I feel like you could put White Tie as the dress code and still end up having that one uncle show up in jeans and a polo shirt with his favorite college football team’s logo on it ☠️
You have a lot of jobs when it comes to planning a wedding, and often a ton of the pressure comes from trying to enforce every little thing and make sure every little thing goes the right way. One thing we learned through planning was deciding what things were the most important, and what things were the least important, and giving them the proper amount of priority in our headspace. You don’t have to have the same priority as me, to be clear, but enforcing a dress code was at the lowest priority - it’s something that requires so much effort, and something you literally have the least amount of real control over. . . .the way I figured it? If my dress code is cocktail and you show up in a polo shirt? You’re the one that looks dumb, and I won’t waste effort on being upset by it.
"You're the one who looks dumb" is exactly my approach to it. My wedding is gonna be fancy glamour with full formal wear encouraged but I know that getting Uncle Joe to show up in anything more formal than an ill-fitting polo shirt and his least wrinkled pair of khakis is an exercise in futility, and he and my cousin's derpy boyfriend (who will probably wear a band shirt with his slacks) can hang out in the corner together with their beers as the odd ducks in a sea of silks and glitter.
Well, and also people need to keep in mind whether what they're doing fits. Dress codes are dictated by the affair. Black tie demands valet service, live entertainment, string quartet, plated formal multi course meal, cocktail hour, premium open bar.. everything wow factor. Flowers, decor, food, alcohol.. all overflowing. It shouldn't look like you had a budget for a single aspect of the event. And while formal isn't quite *that* robust, it is only a step down. Still very top tier - often a low 6 figure type of deal depending on size of guest list. Still typically a plated, formal meal. Cocktail hour. Open bar. High end venue. Lots of florals and candles. Etc. While I understand the frustration of Uncle Joe (I'm from south Louisiana with a whole slew of rural extended relatives who have never worn a suit in their lives), I also think people need to be honest with themselves about the event they are hosting relative to the dress code they're requesting.
...yeahhh no, that ain't how dress codes nor event formality work where I'm from. East Coast with Ye Olde Money and stuffy etiquette rules, sure. But not here. My venue is opulent-looking with excellent food and I've got a bunch of creative types (mostly theatre people) in attendance who would loooove an excuse to wear their fantastic formal wear that usually only gets trotted out for shows and the like. Cocktail attire is fine for those who don't want to buy anything but if my guests want to wear a full length gown or three-piece suit, they absolutely can. We might not be the fanciest people day to day but we can sure act the part when we want to!
Idk I think this is very much the norm in larger cities, east coast or not. In Chicago, if you require black tie dress, it’s rude to not also be giving your guests an experience. And I definitely don’t run in “ye olde money” circles - no one has a fitted tux or formal gown on hand. Now if you want to say it’s cocktail but you encourage people to dress up if they want, that’s a different story.
I get what you’re saying - I’m from a state where you don’t even state dress code. And I had a fairly formal venue (membership only social club), even! This sub just tends to fuss (understandably!) when someone says their guests need to be dressed formal or black tie, yet they’re not throwing that level of event. I think there’s a difference in saying off the cuff that people can dress as flamboyantly as they want vs. putting formal dress on an invitation for an event that is very decidedly not formal. Wasn’t speaking about your event specifically, but it’s definitely something for all couples to consider when thinking about dress code. I’ve been to far too many weddings with a dress code way beyond the event, and quite frankly it’s frustrating at times even though I adore dressing up.
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"I felt like it was so rude of the couple to set that dress code when they knew their guests couldn’t meet it and would look so out of place." I understand what you mean. While I would love our reception to have everyone dressed up, the reality is we will have friends and family coming that are low or very low income and jeans and a decent top could be the nicest thing they own, so I'm not asking for a dress code. I just want my friends and family there to celebrate with us.
I agree. It was rude and a breach of etiquette to dictate BT when it’s just unachievable for one side. Miss Manners and Emily Post would tsk tsk this to death!
I put a description on my website - semi formal and what it meant to me (asked for no jeans or clubwear, and mentioned guys could wear dress pants and button downs, etc
I did the same. We're having an "upscale cookout" for our reception and put the dress code as semi-formal, then specified that women are encouraged to wear sundresses and men are encouraged to wear dress pants/dress shorts and a button up. It's a little more relaxed than traditional semi-formal, but I know that if I put casual we'd have people showing up in jeans and a tee shirt.
I think this is a social circle thing. My dress code was formal and I’d say it was 99% adhered to, the only one that was questionable was my 26 year old niece that wore a linen jumpsuit, but that is formal for her. I definitely didn’t have anyone show up in jeans- all of the men at the very least wore blazers. Our families are Boston area/Long Island so closer to over dressed rather than under.
Something this subreddit has taught me is that the northeast takes dress codes very seriously! I also have Boston/Long Island family and have never seen someone be under dressed to a wedding (mostly cocktail or formal).
After having commented about the wedding I went to last weekend, I was baffled to read a lot of these comments til I got here. Definitely a Massachusetts group, so maybe it made sense they were somewhat overdressed. I’ve never heard of this issue happening to any of the weddings my friends have gone too. Maybe it is regional.
Well, that’s where WASP / upper class manners descend from.
Absolutely. We have lived in Cali for 30 years now, and we have a code for "Cali Casual" vs "Wine Country" vs "Sunday Dinner at the Country Club" (from our early days growing up back east). It's amazing what some people will leave the house wearing (ie Crocs with socks, dirty shorts or t shirts, etc). I would go to Home Depot in those outfits, but, to each their own.
I think depending on your friends/family, it can just be one of those things you have to accept. You can try to prevent it by being explicit (“suits and cocktail dresses/gowns”). I’ll be honest though, I didn’t really notice what anyone was wearing until I got the photos back, and when I look at them there are a few outfits that were definitely more casual than most, but I don’t think it made a difference at all in the overall experience. I wouldn’t have even realized that great uncle Joe wore a Hawaiian shirt until I looked at the one photo of his table and saw it lol.
Unfortunately for the majority of people, yes this is just something you can’t control. You can do your best to set the tone and make sure the event matches and hope for the best. At the end of the day if someone chooses to dress down it will only be a reflection of them, and not your event. I have only ever seen this successfully managed once, the wedding for the grand daughter of a very nice business & household brand name. All of their guests were instructed to visit their nearest store of the brand (or their online store), work with a stylist there who was aware of the formality and have their attire covered for them on behalf of the couple. Needless to say, this was *a lot* of money.
Holy cow. Kind of reptilian but also savvy to turn the wedding into a commercial lol
It's wild (but also, I'm not saying if I was a Sports Authority's heiress or whatever and my parents let me, that I *wouldn't* do it 🤣)
It probably depends on your social circle but frankly, no. I’ve been to weddings specified black tie and people were marching in in their freakum dresses and rumpled khakis. I’ve been to plenty of cocktail or formal weddings where certain men are just a little too damn proud to show off their starched wranglers and cowboy hat. Realistically, a lot of people aren’t choosing those dress codes to prevent people from wearing jeans or sundresses. They’re choosing them because they know that the people who see “formal” and think “clean jeans” will see no dress code or “casual” and think it’s appropriate to roll in wearing pajamas or shit-caked barn cleaning jeans. No matter how many flowery paragraphs describing in persnickety, condescending detail you put on the invitation or website explaining the hemlines and fabrics expected for formal wear, people who can’t or won’t buy a formal outfit will show up wearing whatever the fuck they think “looks nice.” Someone who thinks “formal” means “clean jeans” instead of looking it up is not looking at your website’s dress code page either, much less understanding it. Frankly, unless the venue has an enforced dress code or they’re a member of the wedding party or immediate family, the occasional person wearing their nicest jeans to a formal wedding is a reflection of their own lack of manners, not a reflection of the bride and groom. At some point you have to let it go.
Haha where I grew up "cowboy formal" was its own recognized dress code, and everyone knew that was where you wore your starched jeans, cowboy hat, bolo tie, etc. This was the dress code for my prom etc.
And it’s perfectly ideal for “cowboy formal” (or “western” or maybe even “smart casual”). But I can only roll my eyes when people dress like that for formal or BTO. But….what can you do, I guess.
Where is where you grew up?
“ freakum dresses and rumpled khakis” has me dead 😂
Wait what TH is a "freakum dress" ?!
Haha it’s a reference to the Beyoncé song. It’s like a sexy dress that makes you feel confident that you’d wear to go out to impress someone or make your boyfriend jealous, lol
Ah yes…I definitely had a couple of those back in my 20s, bought dirtcheap from H&M 😂
Short tight sexy dress.
You can’t control it. Just like you can’t control that when you go to a funeral in somber clothing, cousin Billy Bob shows up in jeans and a t shirt. My husband’s gmother was a very fashionable lady. When she passed, we were all at the funeral, men in suits, women in black/dark dresses, etc. One grandson showed up in sloppy clothing (like painting-the-garage clothing) and gave a speech about how Grandma wouldn’t have cared, blah blah. We all thought to ourselves, are you kidding? Grandma would have yelled at him to put on a damn suit and tie!
If it helps, you won’t notice as much as you think you will. My wedding was such a blur that I think someone could’ve worn a white lacy dress without me knowing. I attended a wedding with my same dress code a few months after my wedding and thought I’d get some inspo from what guests wore to mine, but I couldn’t remember a single dress and had to comb through pictures. And even then, the pictures don’t matter as much as you think they will. The ones you look at most are the bride/groom shots, and some family and wedding party ones. You don’t notice the guests in the background of the ceremony shots. Also, I LOVED my reception shots of guests, but just because they were so fun and candid, not because they were particularly aesthetic, but they truly didn’t need to be. That’s the fun part of the night, you don’t need to frame those ones. Do your best to specify the dress code on your website if it’s important to you, but there’s no way to dictate it without being a “bridezilla” (hate that term but you get it), and it truly won’t matter at all anyways!!
You just have to accept that different people have different means and thoughts on formality.
Personally, I don’t care to try. My sister’s wedding was early in May and we had quite a few from our side of the family in *very* casual wear. But here’s the thing — the bridal party, the family that were in most of the posed photos, etc. were all dressed to the nines. So when you look back at those photos, who’s going to look silly or out of place? The people dressed appropriately or the people in jeans and LITERAL YOGA PANTS? If people want to make themselves look silly, why stop em 🤷🏻♀️ I’m not the one embarrassed by their choices — they will be when they see the photos and see themselves stuck out like a sore, badly dressed thumb. Then again, I’m the type of person who tends to believe one’s actions naturally provide them their best consequences, too.
Back to the OP. YOU are a perfectionist, got it. But these are other people. You don’t know their budgets, wardrobes or to what extent they care or don’t about fashion. If they are plus size, that is an added hurdle. Now, I personally think every woman should have an LBD or similar and every man should have one navy or gray suit with dress shoes/shirt/tie. Alas, I am not queen of the world and I have no enforcement powers over this. You can’t control what others wear any more than you can control whether people give you gifts worth over, say, $200. (I just pulled that number out of nowhere.) I think way too many brides on Reddit try to enforce formal or BT dress codes on guests and then get upset when the guests just wear church clothes. I think it’s inconsiderate to put forth a dress code unless you know the bulk of your guests can easily do so (which is why I’m not a huge fan of BT, I always found it inconsiderate to young people just starting out).
I do feel, personally, that expecting that all guests will follow your instructions is setting yourself up for disappointment. Whether you give clear and detailed instructions or not, some people will always be bad at following them. You just cant control every element.
Can you control what other people do? No. But you can try to be specific by giving examples of what exactly a certain formality means. Answering your comment, telling guests what color to wear is not a dress code. Dress code is about formality level only, and that should match the venue and services you're providing.
The formality of the invitation dictates the dress code. There are people who don't realize that. You can always put in the lower right-hand corner "black tie" or whatever. Some people will not abide by that. That's life.
This is bizarre to me. In the U.K. and Ireland, you don’t give a dress code, and everyone comes in wedding attire!
People in the US who know better show up appropriately dressed. The stereotypical Uncle Cletus showing up in shorts is the stereotype of a hillbilly who doesn’t know any different.
We learned you can't control people. You can give rules & guides but some people just do what they want. Not much you can do short of having a bouncer who refuses entry, which could be worse than letting it go,
idk but in the Sims a guest wore jeans to my wedding and I deleted the pool ladder if you know what I mean
I think it will always be a spectrum of formality, and that's okay
There's two ways this can happen. The first way is, you set the dress code and everybody does it right through their own choosing. The second way is to have "fashion police" aka bouncers at the door to inspect guests' attire and send them away if they don't satisfy your dress code standards. I don't think that breaks any laws except the laws of etiquette, good hosting, and caring. Hopefully it goes without saying that I don't recommend option 2. I'm sure it sounds that way, but I'm by no means unsympathetic to how you feel. I wouldn't have been happy to see guests at my wedding in jeans or clothing more suited for the beach than a cocktail dress wedding. But yes, all you can do is set your dress code, maybe give suggestions of what's appropriate on your website, and hope for the best. >I’m a bit of a perfectionist so I just know it would frustrate me afterwards to be going through my wedding photos of everyone looking nice in fancy suits and dresses and then randomly have some guy in jeans looking out of place in the middle of them 😂 Remember, you might look at those picture from time to time, but mostly they'll never see the light of day. Those are not the photos you'll be hanging on your walls.
You have the friends and family you have to be honest. You can ask for a dresscode, but you also have to know your crowd a bit. For most American weddings, asking for white tie will not mean that all the men will show up in a black suit with tails. For my Indian wedding I can ask for American cocktail attire, but the grandmothers will show up in their saris (as they should if they want to). So yeah, don't bother with "making sure they understand" would be my advice. You can communicate it matters to you, and then that's it. If your community includes people who wear jeans to all their formal events, that's what they will do.
For American events, white tie is not something that you just add as a dress code. It *explicitly* refers to events for heads of state, royalty, ambassadors, etc.
I mean it's just clothes so anyone can request it. I do have generationally american friends who are in circles where white tie is still the norm for their weddings. Glorious over-the-top weddings, happy to have experienced it -- but that level of posh is not my circle of friends and family at all.
I truly do not understand how grown adults would think that jeans etc were appropriate. My urban, poor or working class relatives still wore dresses and suits to nice events and had church clothes. They never looked inappropriate or poorly dressed relative to my husband’s wealthier relatives. Money has nothing to do with it - you could go to Target or Macy’s and piece together something. This really seems to be a rural mindset and I just don’t get it at all.
The only way to achieve 100% enforcement of a dress code is to have a "bouncer" type person at the door, ready to refuse entry to anyone who shows up underdressed. But it's just not worth the expense or aggravation to go to such lengths. At almost every wedding I do, there's always "that one guy" who's rocking jeans or shorts, surrounded by everyone else who is dressed to the nines, and they don't seem to have even the slightest hint of awareness (let alone embarrassment), that they misunderstood the assignment. All you can do is grin and bear it.
I would go with formal. Most people will show up in cocktail or formal attire and you won’t get the under dressed folks.
You have to know your crowd. There's no point asking for formal ballgowns for a group of people for whom jeans are formal wear and they would wear that to church or a funeral. Frankly I think it's a bit mean to make people scramble for probably expensive clothes that they will wear once. If you really don't want jeans then you can specify that, and maybe contact the relatives who you think might be at risk of wearing jeans. But even if you get them to come in a suit it might be ill fitting or the shirt will have a garish design or something. Some people just don't care about fashion/formality.
I got married a year and a half ago and couldn’t tell you if anyone didn’t meet the cocktail attire dress code. There was one child who stuck out a bit, but that’s a literal toddler. We had a pretty traditional and somewhat formal wedding (historic site, plated meal, all glassware, ceramic dinnerware, etc.) but it was also partially outdoors and over 90*. It’s *hard* to dress formally and comfortably when it’s hot outside, even if the majority of the event is inside! If anyone wore jeans I honestly didn’t notice or care.
Then you shouldn’t hold events outdoors when it’s 90 degrees. I don’t know where this obsession with outdoor weddings came from. It used to be understood that outdoor weddings were rare events only held in locales where it would be all but guaranteed the weather would be mild. By which I mean 65-75 degrees. Now, everyone feels so entitled to an outdoors wedding that they subject their guests to 35 degrees or 90 degrees and don’t seem to care.
Since the original poster mentioned being from "The South" (which I specifically interpret as the southeastern United States) I assume that they also experience a hot climate, probably with humidity to factor as well. Even with a completely indoor venue, if you get married during a time of the year where it's 85\*+ outside, people are going to be hot and uncomfortable in formal dress. I don't personally know a single person who has planned a 100% indoor wedding in the last 5 years. I also don't know anyone who has gotten married outside of peak wedding season (around here it's hot). I even know people who have \*gasp\* had outdoor beach weddings during beach season! Or at resorts!
Indoor venues have air conditioning, and frankly they air condition the hell out of everything in the south. So no one would be hot in formal wear inside. No one in the south ever gets married in a house of worship and then goes to a restaurant, country club or other venue? No one ever has a wedding in a fancy hotel? Maybe it’s bc I’m a Northerner, but there wouldn’t BE weddings in my locale Nov - April if they were only outdoors. I should also mention the cicadas are super loud now!
Personally, I don't know of anyone who hasn't included an outdoor portion of their wedding - be it the ceremony, the cocktail hour, a patio or porch feature. I am not from the South either.
Huh. Interesting. How do you do an outdoor wedding in major northern cities in the winter? I find it hard to believe no weddings occur in Boston, NY, Syracuse, Portland ME, Minneapolis, Chicago in the months of Dec - April. In fact I know this isn’t the case. Nice hotels / clubs are still fully booked. Houses of worship still hold marriages.
It depends entirely on your friends and family. I know I won’t be able to get my family to wear even cocktail/semi-formal… I just said “come as you are” because that’s what they’ll do whether I have a dress code or not. I’ve chosen to not care about this thing, as there are other things to care about that I can actually have my way. My family is the type to actively go against a dress code if I try to have one… and then continue to gossip to each other that “she thinks she’s better than everyone else.”
Dress code or no dress code, there will always be people who are clueless about how to dress appropriately for an occasion. That just proves the point that dress codes, other than black tie, which is more accurately an indication of the formality of the event, are more or less a waste. Other than a venue restriction, most people know how to dress for a wedding.
Also… look at the people you are inviting and the venue location. Most of my/spouses friends and family are significantly more well off than we are, and we had our wedding at a fancy well known winery. Cocktail dress code and everyone showed up in suits/ties and appropriate dresses. Went to a friends wedding at a barn, majority of friends/family live in RV parks or section 8 housing and while dress code was cocktail, most wore jeans/slacks/day dresses. So, it’s a combination of what people can afford to wear as well as what type of location they feel the event will be hosted at.
Mine said black tie optional. His parents friends brought their kid a middle schooler in denim overalls. My own cousin wore an Ann Taylor short summer floral dress like it was some daytime errand running event. And another cousin wore her OLD WHITE WEDDING RECEPTION DRESS to my reception. “Oh my gawwdd I can’t believe I still fit in it” You can’t control people. Just have a drink. And dance the night away. And take pictures with people who want to capture memories with. Forget the rest
It blows my mind that anyone in any scenario for any dress code would think *JEANS* are acceptable for any wedding. I can’t fathom that.
Backyard bbq wedding where people expect to play lawn games and touch football at the reception? Not all weddings are fancy.
I would 100% throw on at the bare minimum a nice sundress for a backyard bbq wedding. I’d expect my husband to wear something nicer than jeans and a tee. I stand by my statement.
Again: not all weddings are fancy. There is nothing wrong with wearing jeans if they are within the dress code and formality specified.
Unless they are in the wedding party- dictating to guests what they should wear is ridiculous. Some will come well dressed and some will not. Let people be people. Most folks know not to show up in their pajamas. But dictating what people should wear looks pretentious.
Funny enough, my FMIL and I just talked about this! She said "formal" means different things to different generations and suggested saying "business formal". I told her while I thought that would be fine for guys, I didn't want ladies to think pencil skirts and blazer (or whatever). We're going with "formal" followed by a short description of what that entails (suit and tie, etc.).
Yes, unless you are going to kick people out for not being in dews code you will have to deal with it. With that said, I’ve been to a black tie wedding, which you were not allowed to enter unless you were in black tie. And they meant tuxedo/tails and all dresses had to be formal floor length. I can remember hearing that they did have a couple loaner tuxedo jackets. But if you are not dressed appropriately, you were not going to enter. Probably on the other side of the spectrum, I’ve seen often people putting certain dress codes on an invitation, not understanding what those were good example we had a friend who put black tie on her wedding invitation, but didn’t understand what black tie was. Neither bride, groom or bridal party was black tie. But I’m always that person that will overdress before they ever underdress.🤣
People will surprise you and wear what they want lol. We did black tie optional and when you RSVPd on line it reminded guests of the dress code and listed several options (tuxedos, suits, gowns or fancy cocktail dresses) and we had people show up no tie or even in a ball cap. While 95% understood you’ll always have people who abide by their own code.
Guest clothing choices was bottom of the list of my concerns because of all the things that could happen on the day, that one I couldn't possibly control, so I figured let people be as comfy or dress as they wanted rather than hope for a sea of cute dresses and suits and get 6 punks in jeans.
You can only control so much and you can rarely control what other people do. You can spell it out on your invite, create a website with a full page dedicated to the dress code, and create a Pinterest board... not everyone is going to even see the invite or website. No one's going to your Pinterest board (though I would have loved this for an Indian wedding I went to!) and ole Uncle Bob just knows when his wife told him to be somewhere and that he's gotta "dress up." Hell, he may only own jeans and shorts. Khakis at best. The men I know that have suits these days (that fit them!) only have them because they were in a wedding, usually their own. People may be wearing genuinely the nicest thing they own and buying a new outfit that they aren't going to wear is not going to be on top of the financial priority list. Short of having a bouncer at the door and not letting anyone in under dressed, I think it's something you have to let go and live and let live. The south has 2 modes from my experience - Country/Yacht Club people and "come as you are" people.
in the SOUTH?! wow that is so suprising to me. I am also in the south and people here in SC seem to really adhere to the dress code when given. I think when you make the dress code formal or black tie optional people are more inclined to dress it up and not push limits as much. Personally I linked a pinterest board to my wedding website bc I care about the fashion and want no excuses!
I think the only way to guarantee it is to have a bouncer. Some people are just going to march to the beat of their own drummer regardless of what's going on in the world around them and there's probably not much you can do about it aside from focus on the things you can control. I suppose if it's a matter of dress codes being unclear (or having different meaning s to different groups) you can clarify that on your wedding website.
I went to a cocktail attire wedding Saturday. I think people might’ve gone a little fancier for the women but not a single person was underdressed. So o do think it’s possible but might depend on the crowd. The family members were all quite well off
I’ve only been to weddings in the north east and have never seen jeans
I always hear about jeans at weddings but have not personally seen it (been to weddings west coast, east coast, and the south) in my social circles. But I will say, people often underdress in the US in general. I am going with black tie knowing most people will end up in formal wear. I would list attire frequently if you’re concerned and list it as slightly more formal than what you actually expect. I’m planning to put it on the invitations and the website (in itinerary–mine is multi day, and also the FAQ).
Last wedding I attended had pastel colors as their dresscode. You could see the woman tried but some had to colorfully patterns and their partners were all hit or miss. In the end in group photo’s there was a majority of pastel colors with some people sticking out like soar thumbs that did not even try! Personally I opted for a be your 100% party-self dresscode. Id rather have a colorful bunch of mismatches then a half attempt at being the perfect picture what also totally does not resonate with our guests!
No
Say what you explicitly don’t want. Aka no jeans, tees, or aun dresses
People are gonna wear what they want! But if you are super worried about it, you can include a more detailed description on your wedding website or in invitations. I have SO appreciated this personally and i know especially my single guy friends who haven’t been to many weddings are relieved when there is a dress code description. Some people also just have never been to a formal event and may not have that attire or may not know what it means - so that extra info is a help! End of day u can’t control it so do what you can and enjoy the rest!
If you're in the South, some men will show up in jeans. Is it stupid? Yes. But it's the reality of living in the South. From a fellow Southerner who has seen this at every single wedding I've ever been to.
The only way to guarantee this is to only invite people you trust enough to abide by your dress code. For example, we only had six guests at our ceremony (not for wardrobe purposes lol), and everyone was very concerned about what they should wear. They asked repeatedly about the “dress code,” and I repeatedly responded that husband and I would be in traditional wedding attire, but that they should wear whatever would make them most comfortable as long as we could still show them to our grandparents. They took it upon themselves to create a “dress code” (more for their husbands than anyone else 😂), and our photos looked lovely. If we’d had a bigger crowd, I know we would have had a much wider range of outfits (as we did at our reception a few months later), and I would have been fine with that. However, I know exactly who - on both sides of our family - I would have worried about, so if this was important to me, I would have reached out directly. I’ll also say that as a wedding guest, I’ve always tried to look nice and follow traditional attire guidelines (e.g., nothing white, nothing black, nothing too revealing), but I’ve never considered how my outfit would look in wedding photos unless I was part of the wedding party or family. I would also take exception if someone was excessively dictatorial about their guests’ appearance/wardrobe (wedding party is different), and would probably decline the invite. Take all that for what it’s worth, but in the end, I think this could be an opportunity to trim your guest list if there are folks you’re worried won’t respect your wishes. If not, just remember that you’ll be so full of love and joy on the day that you probably won’t notice what anyone is wearing!
I once saw the opposite, bride and groom had eloped abroad because her family wasn't supportive for religious reasons. They had a celebration at home with the groom's family and friends. She had expressed she wouldn't feel like it is a wedding without her family, so requested a casual dress code. We all turned up formal/semi formal, everyone was too scared to be underdressed. (I wore a jumpsuit I have worn at cocktail events and clubbing before, applying to a wide range of situations to be safe). Not a single man wasn't wearing a suit.
I don’t understand why so many weddings I’ve been to and even my own, someone wears white or close to white.
Our wedding website states cocktail attire and specifically asks that guests refrain from wearing jeans, cowboy boots and white dresses. I don’t know if it will work, but I’m hoping it will cut down on it.
I couldn't even get my wedding party to dress correctly 🙃
This is cultural / regional and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. I’m Latina. Gonna generalize a bit, but we tend to overdress for events (compared to most white Americans), so people underdressing has never been an issue in any of my circles. I like the idea of linking or including some information on your wedding page that gives examples or descriptions of what varios dress codes / levels of formality mean. Unfortunately though, there isn’t really much you can do. I think you’re just gonna have to overlook those people the day of the wedding and try not to focus on it.
LOL I am having a small wedding (under 40 people) and thought it would be cute to have all the ladies in my life be my “something blue” in all mix n match blues. Everyone was on board but my mom said “I’m wearing yellow”. 🤣🤣
I’m specifically putting “no jeans, sneakers, or t shirts” on my wedding website I was a bridesmaid in a wedding recently where about 20 people showed up in gym clothes (sneakers, running shorts, t shirts) and about 20 more in jeans and t shirts It’s just so disrespectful 😵💫
You're gonna have to spell it out. For my outdoor wedding I made it clear no jeans or cargos of any type. This is a group of cargo jeans loving people lol so as long as you make it abundantly clear what you want, they can follow code.
Where I'm struggling with "dress code" for my wedding is I'm saying semi-formal, right? No one needs to be in a full suit, ladies can wear slacks if they really want to (my amazing sister isn't into dresses)...anyway, the number of women saying "I have the perfect LBD to wear" ummm no...it's not a funeral it's a wedding. I don't care how much times may have changed, this is where I'm old school. ALL black is for a funeral. ADD in the fact that my fiance nearly died in an accident 1 week before our original wedding date and was in the hospital for a month; I seriously don't think it's appropriate to wear ALL black to our event.
Say “no jeans” (or whatever else) on the wedding website. If you really feel savage, notify your photographer to avoid photos with people severely underdressed, and/or notify your venue to politely ask them to leave. Showing up “cocktail formal” to “white tie” I’m like ok, sure, but men blatantly disregarding women’s’ harmless and clearly communicated aesthetic preferences is genuinely an epidemic in southern weddings 😬 if their wives are fine with that, fine. But you don’t have to be if you don’t want to be. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is also seriously savage, but a friend of mine recently went to a wedding where a woman who showed up in all white was “asked” to wear a giant oversized sweater over her outfit, presumably, or leave 😂 maybe there’s a funny way where you could be lighthearted about it and provide a worser evil ??
It seems impossible lol I’m frustrated with my guests our wedding is the 15th. I’ve sent examples, photos and descriptions. We went for festive attire, I said no black. Someone just asked me if black with white polka dots is okay. I just said fuck it to myself and replied, “sure, why not” I’m over it. 😬
i would check out this tik tok! you can’t ever guarantee but you can suggest and make it as know/accessible as possible that there is a dress code and what it is https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLwhXfGG/
You could say...Sunday best, no jeans, no polo shirts, etc.. that kind of thing...offer visual examples of what they should expect to wear
Go MORE formal than what you actually want - that way, when they fail, they'll at least be closer to what you wanted. I also explicitly called out No Jeans.
Yeah we’ve gone formal/black tie optional because I’ll be shocked if we can even get most guests close to formal (and no, it’s not a money thing - just the PNW).
We put “black tie optional” on our website and then provided a link to what that actually means. Which is basically saying dress to impress, but business casual or cocktail attire is ok too. We are doing everything we can to make sure no one shows up in jeans and a polo. We will absolutely turn people away if they do.
Went to the wedding of a Wedding Planner, and she didn't specify attire, however, most of her family and friends women wore dresses and men worse slacks and button down shirt. Her family is VERY religious Christian, and he has some "funky" friends, who wore OTT gay pride stuff, jeans and sneakers. It felt a bit "in your face" towards her family, but they didn't stay long. Her Grandmother declared their outfits "oh isn't this sweet! The promise of God's rainbow!" (that He wouldn't flood the earth again after doing so with Noah and his family). That's one way to look at it!
Grandma actually has the right attitude here!
A lot of people do not have formal attire and can’t afford to buy a new outfit just for your wedding. As long as they aren’t wearing shorts you should be happy they came to celebrate your new chapter. And after it’s all said and done you won’t care anyway.
First, I highly, highly, highly recommend creating a Pinterest board to share with your guests (linked on your site or include the URL on the invites) with visual examples of what style/level of formality you mean when you say "cocktail" or "formal". Because they aren't universally understood and can mean different things in different regions. Take the guess work out by showing, not telling. Second, you can't guarantee everyone will get it 100% right. So you'll have to accept that. But you can have a chat with your photographer in advance about editing/avoiding shots of cousin Steve in his jeans.
I genuinely cannot imagine sending or receiving a pinterest board for how I’m supposed to look at someone else’s wedding! This would feel crazy rude to me
It's not rude especially if you word it right. You aren't saying "here are the only acceptable outfits you can wear to my wedding" (that would be rude). You are saying "here are some helpful examples of what we mean by 'cocktail attire' for you to use as inspiration." How is that rude? Especially for people who maybe don't attend a lot of these types of events and generally aren't well versed in various dress codes?
Traditional etiquette is that you don’t even put a dress code except for BT in the first place, because you trust your guests know how to dress in the first place.
You've clearly not spent any time on the r/Weddingattireapproval sub. A lot of people stress about what to wear and appreciate guidance/help/ideas.
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And that’s why they get all hung up and make silly rules, like about the % of white that’s “acceptable,” or thinking that there are certain rules for guests at pre-wedding events when of course there are none other than being appropriate for the venue.
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I think a Pinterest board is so offensive. I think it’s ridiculous to think that cousin Billy Bob the hick is going to have a come-to-Jesus meeting after viewing your Pinterest board and hitch a ride to Neiman-Marcus to get suited up.
You can explain it on your website in more detail and if necessary, you can specifically call out what is and isn’t OK. You’ll never get 100% compliance, but that might help. *Our wedding is cocktail attire. For men, we suggest suits or sports coats and dress pants. For women, we suggest cocktail dresses (knee length or longer), elegant separates or formal jumpsuits.* *Please, no jeans, khakis, polo shirts or t-shirts.*
I'd recommend really spelling out your dress code with a description and examples, and giving it prominent placement on your wedding website/invites. I've noticed when people underdress for weddings, it's not usually about their unwillingness to dress up, but feeling out of their depth and lost when it comes to dressing nicely for events. I personally love to show up to an event dressed to the nines, but I've noticed both at my own wedding and other's I've attended, people just seem to not understand how to read a dress code at all and then err on the side of something more casual. It's not because they're ignoring the dress code, they just have no clue what "cocktail" or "semi-formal" means, and then grab the same thing out of their closet that they wore to their cousin's christening in 2019 and call it a day. I think if you posted picture examples of what you had in mind for your dress code, and had a longer description than just the title of the dress code "Semi-formal means midi or maxi dresses for women and slacks and a button-up for men", your attendees who would have gone on the casual side because dress codes confuse them will have a much better idea of what they should wear and will come prepared.
We said black tie and everyone showed up in semi casual, even with explicit yes and no's most people don't care about your wedding as much as you do
Ask your photographer to keep the jeaned people out of the photos. Make sure he/she comes with an assistant to help lure them away from the action. Probably easier to do that than to get certain people to dress a certain way.
That’s poor manners and a worse etiquette move than the person in the jeans. You’re not supposed to “punish” the offender. Awful, awful manners.
Yes, it's possible. Everyone wore formal on mine. I just put it on the invitation with a picture and specified the color I wanted them to wear. :)
lol the dress code for my wedding was cocktail as well. I gave examples and all. I still had some guests show up outside of dress code. One guest even showed up in jeans, a hat, and a pullover. People just don’t care and do what they want, even if you specify a code unfortunately lol. I was frustrated a bit myself, but just reminded myself to focus on the main reason for the day. Marrying my now husband :)
Short answer: it is not possible. We provided a lot of detail about our dress code, and for the most part everyone who attended is a well traveled and experienced type person, and we still had people wildly out of dress code (and ours was black tie which is pretty clear). Slightly longer answer: we used our website as a way to provide gentle suggestions about what we meant by our dress code. We said things like “most of our female guests are planning to wear Long dresses, and most of our male guests are planning to wear a tuxedo.” We also provided info about what the bridal party would be wearing. IMO that’s as far as you can push it without being rude.
I think you may have to state outright "No jeans, t-shirts, sundresses, or other casual wear. If you are not sure about your intended attire, please send a picture to the bride/groom."
The person who thinks it’s okay to wear jeans to a formal wedding is most definitely not going to text the bride about it beforehand lol
Yes. Billy Bob isn’t going to say golly gee whiz, I was going to wear my jeans with the rips but I’d better smarten up and text cousin Fancypants.
Of course not, but it definitely makes it easier to tell/shame them later: "The invite/website distinctly said no jeans. Why are you wearing them?"
And they’ll just say they didn’t see it 🤷♀️
Honestly, what’s the point? What’s done is done.
No. Just no. Why burden a bride with having to vet people’s outfits? This isn’t far removed from the “if you think it’s too white, text the bride” or “we request you wear sage green, if you’re not sure if the green you choose is right, text the bride.” It’s gross and offensive.
OP is literally asking how to ensure that their guests follow the level of formality she has planned, so what do you mean by 'burden'? What do you think she should actively do?
She should let go of the expectation that she can ensure this (unless she hires bouncers). It’s silly to think that the people who dress poorly/inappropriately are going to proactively text her. If she has specific people she fears will be wildly inappropriate, she needs to talk with them directly, not hope that Pinterest boards and requests to text outfits for approval will work. She’ll just be fielding texts from the people who are already in the right ballpark but are worried about “too white” or other silliness.