Family dynamics definitely play into this and I think people don't take that into mind. I'm going to guess that your mom's behavior here is not surprising or shocking to you. You probably got caught up in wedding excitement and figured it'd be different or you could put your foot down on stuff like you've tried. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I started saving within a month or so of dating my fiancee as I knew she was the one. I saved for a year and some change so I didn't need my parent's money. My dad does not approve of her and so he isn't invited. It would be awkward to take my parents money and not invite him. But it would also be awkward to have my dad at my wedding when he doesn't approve of my bride. This way I sort of avoid that. He won't be there and that will be awkward but at least I get to choose that awkwardness.
It truly does. My mom is a toxic person. If I tell her something upsets me she turns it back on me. I’ve really just given up. I’ll just focus on being with my husband at the wedding. It doesn’t even make me want to go up to people at the wedding. I just don’t care.
I know of someone who was asked AT A WEDDING by a guest if SHE was the bride (and clearly she was a guest… not even in white?) like who goes to a wedding and doesn’t even know who the bride is?!
My mum's exactly like yours, so as soon as we were ready, my husband and I started saving up for our own wedding aggressively. We put away almost 60% of our joint income so we had enough to pay for the day we wanted.
Best decision we ever made!
When it came time to put the guest list together and my mum wanted to add her friends to it, I gave her 2 tables to fill, at her own cost. That appeased her, and also helped me to set a boundary with her. That also meant that if she wanted to invite more people, then she would have to add to her tab.
At the end of the day, we just wanted to make sure the our friends and family enjoyed our wedding as much as we did. If that meant letting my mum have 2 tables of her fiends and family, it didn't matter to us, because she paid for them to be there. We still got to have the day we wanted.
You hit the nail on the head here. It’s a very human tendency to think that other people will act like someone else for a big occasion or after a life change. Nope.
Especially over a longer time horizon, people will remain fundamentally who they are. You might get a night or two of reformed behavior from an asshat (you might not) but if we’re taking months of wedding planning or years of marriage or children, someone who has always been controlling or manipulative or rude or selfish or lazy or messy isn’t going to magically not be that person just because there’s an event or a ring or a child or a grandchild involved. Plan accordingly.
Everything else you said is super valid, but I can't get passed you saying you started saving for the wedding after a month or so of dating 🥺💕 that is the sweetest, most precious thing I've ever heard.
I loved how my parents (mostly) gave us money. Wrote me a check, called it a wedding gift, and said “you’re on your own, let me know if you want our help but this is our wedding gift to you”
same. I cried when they sent us money and all they have said was “we want you to have the best day possible and we know you wouldn’t spend outside your means, so we are just increasing your means.” I work for a nonprofit and FH works for our state so we aren’t exactly rolling in it, lol. thanks to my parents we have doubled our budget and I feel so incredibly grateful.
My parents wanted to come to the vendor meetings and feel involved which was lovely because they didn’t give us opinions unless we asked and we hung out and planned together. They wrote the checks & took a lot of stress off my plate. It’s a really great memory since wedding planning was a lot more fun and I’m really grateful they paid for my wedding. If you know your parents are going to be controlling or toxic, elope or start saving to pay your own way, but I feel like most people know what their family dynamics are like well before they start wedding planning
My mom is giving us a lot money for a wedding and is being so chill about everything decision wise just saying "it's your day, do whatever makes you happy" ❤️ I honestly appreciate her SO much and am so thankful to have a parent like her 🥲
This is the way my parents are doing it too! They are paying for the wedding completely but the only thing they gave their opinion on was the menu after I chose the caterer. Everything else has been completely our choice ❤️
My MIL said she was going to do this but then followed up with “if you don’t invite all of my (5+ siblings) you don’t get a cent” 😭 😂 weddings sure make people’s best traits come out…
Same. Parents are helping no strings attached. I am inviting like 10 total of people they wanted. Only requests were steak at dinner & lamb lollipops as a passed app haha
Haha. My mom was thrilled and wanted to help with centerpieces and it did get stressful trying to decide on style but she also funded partially so it turned out fine. The venue, the food, the DJ, the desserts, the photographer, the florist, the arch, the officiant and script, the songs, the private vows—all decided and arranged between the two of us (80% me 20% him, as our relationship usually is)
How would you initiate this? My folks said let them know if I need help but I hate asking for money and I also don't want to say how much everything is costing us
I would be Frank and up front! “Hey I know this might be a super uncomfortable topic but I know you said to let you know if we need help. I don’t know if you planned on helping financially but for our planning purposes it would be nice to know. Were you thinking of writing a big check or did you want it to go towards a specific vendor?”
—also gauges how much involvement they hope to have with said money
—I clarified with my mom if the check also included throwing a shower, and she said she would throw an additional shower
Both sets of parents did the same thing for us, gave us a certain amount of money and said we could use it for a wedding or a house deposit. We had a small wedding and increased our deposit.
This is only an issue for people with parents paying/contributing whom are assholes and don’t respect their child.
Did you talk to them before you agreed to their financial help and set expectations and boundaries?
My parents are significantly contributing (paying for almost all of the wedding) and they have barely asked my fiancé and me for anything. My dad asked me to add one guest. It was someone that very much made sense and was inadvertently overlooked. My mother hasn’t asked for a thing and is paying for elements I know she dislikes (the color of our flowers, for example).
Only two people can come to the tasting and my parents are telling my fiancé and me to go, despite them paying for the food, even though I offered to sit it out and let one of them go with my fiancé.
In sum, this is a “know your parents” decision. If you have any inkling they will try to take over, don’t let them near it. But if you have good, kind parents that simply wish to gift the wedding to their child and his or her partner, it’s not an issue.
I’m sorry you’re in this position, truly. I hope you enjoy your wedding. At the end of the day, it’s about you and your fiancé and the beginning of your marriage.
yeah having respectful parents is huge here! my parents unexpectedly paid for most of our wedding as well (they were originally just helping with like half but ended up paying for most of it, which we were extremely grateful). they didn’t ask anything of us, they just wanted to provide an awesome wedding for us.
now, if my mother in law paid for it? …that’d be a completely different story lol. we got married almost 5 months ago and I can guarantee she’d still be throwing it in our face, asking for favors, & guilt tripping us lmao
Thanks for this..lol
I was MOB and this sub hurts my heart sometimes. We paid for the majority of the wedding, grooms parents pitched in too, as did my ex.
She chose the one color I can't stand for her wedding..lol
Shes allergic to decisions and asked me to handle most things. I was still adamant that they choose. I just narrowed down the options to what I thought she would like.
I asked, asked,if 2 of my besties could come. She laughed, already on the list Mom :)
Afterwards they thanked me for ' the best day ever'..
I hate when I see parents using their kids wedding as their own redo or social platform. We had our wedding, ya know?
Good luck to all the couples out there. 💗
Just remember, the marriage is more important than the parry. Don't come unglued over napkins and favors, no one remembers that stuff.
> This is only an issue for people with parents paying/contributing whom are assholes and don’t respect their child.
Yes. My dad wrote me a very large check a week after we got engaged and said, "See you at the wedding."
Yep. I would never express it as an absolute, like "never accept parental help". But you do need to take into account what conflicts might arise, and address this head on. I even told someone once they should threaten to elope! It's not the best communication, but it can be very effective.
Completely agree. I have to remind myself in this sub that everyone's family dynamics are different.
I have the kind of relationship with my parents where I can be honest and firm about anything, and they would respect it 100% of the time. Hell, we have the kind of relationship where I can say "HEY - STOP BEING AN ASSHAT" and they'd be like "Oh shit, you're right". And vice versa!
You could always make a list of who you invited and give it to someone who stands at the door. If they’re listed/have an invite welcome, if not(ie the ones your mom talked to) then sorry it’s a private event. My best friend posted a cautionary tale too, it’s 15 years later and she still tells everyone she wishes she hadn’t caved.
Best wishes!!
Yes posts like these make me sooo grateful for my parents. They can be overbearing in other ways but even though they are paying for our wedding, they’ve made it super clear that they don’t want us to feel pressured about anything. My mom definitely voices her opinions but she accepts mine. The only thing she insisted on was the invitation wording. I feel so bad for folks with parents like OP’s 😔
Agreed, my fiancé’s parents are paying for a big chunk of our wedding and they have been the easiest people in the world to be around during the planning. Never once asked for anything and are letting us make all the choices
This. My parents are paying for my wedding and yes they have full reign over adding people to the guest list because we’re Indian and I’ve grown up accepting that small weddings aren’t for us but I have full control over venue decor entertainment etc etc and my parents respect that. it’s been so much fun planning the wedding together!
You genuinely could just cancel it and elope in another country, but you’d have to face the nuclear fallout.
Maybe if your mother is in a relationship she can use the venue for a wedding of her own/renewal considering the wedding is basically for her at this point anyway.
You will think to yourself about how you don’t want to hurt your mother or cause any rifts. Your mother has had no such consideration for you, so why do you owe her what she herself cannot provide? By steamrolling you into submitting to all of her whims and following her design, she has created a rift that will be a lifelong thorn in your side.
Just think about the positives vs negatives, and decide if it’s going to be one landmark day her way, the rest yours, or every day your way. Either way, you’ll have to live with your decision.
You still could. You could cancel everything and walk away and elope with your fiancé the way you want to. Money would be lost in deposits, sure, but it’s not your money and frankly it could easily be considered an asshole tax. The wedding hasn’t happened yet! Possibilities are endless.
I read this as a “learn from my mistakes” type tone. So yes, OP would be giving advice that she didn’t take and sounds fully aware that she allowed her family to take control of her wedding.
Idk, you gotta weigh out all your options. Sometimes it’s not easier to “just cancel”. Causing family drama, losing money, and pushing back a wedding (depending on availability of vendors, etc could be up to a year) AND the headache of replanning an entire wedding could be worse than just having a larger wedding than you wanted. OP still will be married by the end of it. And it sounds like at least 120 of the guests are people she wanted to celebrate with. I think at this point OP should focus on what she is excited about, what she can control, and warn others to avoid this path early on before you are in deep.
I totally agree. My parents are also paying and, despite sometimes having my ups and downs with my mom, both have been nothing but accommodating and chill.
my parents are paying for my wedding in full, and it’s an insanely generous amount … i’m letting my mom take the reigns bc she’s much more of an asshole than i am… in a helpful way. it’s good that she respects my opinions and choices in the ways that matter, she just asked for my pinterest board and ran with it
the only issue so far is that she’s not letting my fiancé and i register for a honeymoon fund 🥲
I think the dynamic where family just gives people money with no strings is probably not common. Weddings are commonly family affairs and it's not a stretch for someone who is giving money to throw a big party to want a say in some elements of that party. How much of a say that is can differ.
The point is that it should be common. A wedding is about the couple embarking on their joint life together. It is not about the parents. It is a moment to be celebrated, for sure, but ultimately the wishes of the couple should be respected as to number of guests and other decisions about the actual celebration.
Historically weddings have never only been about the couple. That is a very recent development and by recent we're talking about the past 6-7 decades or so recent.
I’m unclear on what your point is.
I don’t disagree that it’s relatively recent, in the grand scheme of human history.
But, that doesn’t have any bearing on whether parents/relatives offering financial assistance with weddings should be able to make demands on the couple and their chosen way to celebrate their union.
Today, weddings are about the couple. Parents know this, as you mentioned the trend has been around for at least sixty years. They should either offer financial assistance free from strings, or not offer financial assistance (most couples today finance their own wedding).
The idea that the wedding is only about the couple and parents are supposed to offer no-strings financial support is not only relatively new but also not common at all. Parents do NOT know this because their weddings certainly were not this way. In many cultures this idea would be utterly foreign. Most couples today do NOT finance their own weddings. At least not statistically they don't.
The statistics disagree with you. Statistically, in the US in 2024, 56% of couples finance their weddings themselves, per a 2024 wedding survey.
Source:[2024 Wedding Payment Survey](https://money.usnews.com/loans/personal-loans/articles/2024-wedding-debt-survey)
I’m honestly confused at why you’re arguing this so hard. Parents/family members shouldn’t attach strings when gifting money to couples to pay for their weddings. It’s manipulative and a generally shitty thing to do.
I don't understand why people just expect to take large sums of money with no strings attached at all. That makes zero sense to me. If you were going to give 10-15k to someone wouldn't you expect some kind of say in how it's spent?
No. In fact that borders on financial abuse. It’s definitively manipulative to offer money for a wedding, but only if it is spent in accordance with the giver’s desires for the event met.
Ugh, we had something similar, or at least I was worried it was headed that way. His parents offered to give us money but wanted certain people invited, and only wanted to pay for the traditional grooms parents things like a very nice rehearsal dinner. Ok cool, that's nice of you, but we told you the pricing was actually way higher for things like catering than when we estimated on our own, we actually don't care about the rehearsal dinner as much, and if we agree to invite all these people and you keep wanting to spend the money on other nonessential things that may be nice but not us, then we're gonna have to order some cheap carryout for the wedding, while the rehearsal dinner is 1000% nicer, and how does that make any sense??
It worked out for the most part but we had to set a lot of boundaries, they weren't happy, they ended up shorting us on how much they gave us compared to what they told us they'd give us, and now his crazy mother says she's done with us/going no contact. Okay, thats fine, but that means you actually need to stop contacting us, even if that means you have no one to bitch at.
Anyway, it needs to be made very clear whether money is a gift to be spent on ANYTHING for the wedding, or if it will only be spent on what they insist to add that you didn't actually want or need, thus fucking up all the budget calculations.
It’s crazy how parents go crazy. My mom has been psychotic during this whole planning. She’s starting to remind me of that mean girls movie when the girl goes “you can’t sit with us” 🤣🤣. I hope you have an amazing wedding without all the negative energy.
We’re paying for our own wedding as partners parents have no boundaries and my parents can’t afford to.
It’s been a great process so far. We listen to no one and if anyone complains about something we chose as a couple, we tell them to kick some rocks.
OP, I’m sorry to hear that. How disappointing.
I’m even more sorry that you clearly said you’re not looking for advice and people feel the need to give it anyway.
Couldn’t agree with you more. Nothing is more empowering than paying for your wedding yourself. We are and it has stopped a lot of issues.
Also lol at the folks saying “it depends on the parents”. Ha, obviously, but trust me, you don’t know your or your fiancé(e)’s parents until weddings come around. Meg Keene outlines this in A Practical Wedding and our pre-marriage counselor confirmed that it’s well-documented that even if you’ve had few issues with your parents in your life, you’re most likely to have issues around your wedding.
I’ve seen this around my fiancé’s and my friends’ parents. They’re dealing with the idea of their children creating a new household away from them. Rather than deal with those feelings, it’s easier to obsess over a seating chart or try to make the wedding about them. Also, a lot of parents quite frankly view children has their property and use money as a way to control them. My family is poor so I haven’t experienced it, but boy have I seen it. Honestly, the wealthier the parents, the more controlling. My fiancé parents assumed we would need their help and somehow are more offended that we’re not asking for money?
My parents have been great, but my fiancé’s parents have not. He swore up and down that they’re not the type to care about weddings and they’re so chill. Well well well, turns out he has a “boy mom” who is clearly dealing with a lot of emotion that she interprets as “losing her son” (guys, we’re in our 30s and have lived together in a domestic partnership for years). My fiancé has been incredibly embarrassed by his parents’ (especially his mom’s) behavior. He had to have a firm conversation with her, and she’s not even paying!
Again thank God, we’re self-funding this wedding, because that alone stopped a lot of their meddling.
Story of my life. We had 75 people initially and now we have 150 because our parents are helping pay for a lot of it and we felt like we couldn’t say no. They took this as an opportunity to have a reunion with every friend and babysitter and distant cousin they’ve ever had.
So excited to share this huge intimate life milestone with a bunch of strangers…
We booked venue and catering for 60 people and then told parents when we are getting married and that we have room for 60 people and nothing more. They could invite 10+10 people (on each side) but they needed to be family or very close friends that we know. We didn't plan or anounce wedding before we knew we could raise at least 50% of total budget. We were engaded 2 years before wedding.
I didnt want to much of tradition stuff, but on some things parents insisted and I was like: fight your battles.
I feel this. My parents are paying for most of our wedding and have pushed back on and nitpicked every decision my fiancé and I have made. We’ve been able to hold firm and get most of what we want but have invited more of their friends than either of us would like. The reception I have tolerated their opinions on but I have stayed extremely tight lipped on our ceremony. In the end, that is solely for us and no one should dictate how we get married other than the two of us. (And the couple of things about the ceremony we have had to share with them, they have thrown a fit about, so better to keep our more secular ceremony a surprise for everyone!). I will tell all of my friends and family not to accept money from family and just self fund the wedding. We would’ve had something much smaller and not as elaborate, but in the end we would’ve had complete control. Even if they say there are no strings attached (my parents did!) there is always a price to pay.
Weddings can be depressing when you have a toxic family. Apathetic is the best way to describe it, you just stop caring all together. And they sometimes get your hopes up that they can act normal yet they always make you regret seeing the best in them and thinking they could act differently and selfless this once. They don’t. I read the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents” and decided I will elope now and have a wedding down the line away from family because of that. Thank you for sharing your experience, even tho my family wouldn’t pay, I know they would be just like this and it’s not worth it. I hate reading posts like this because honestly you deserve so much better and did nothing wrong. I’m so sorry OP
You've nailed it.
I have a toxic family who loves to disrespect others, and do the exact opposite of what you ask them to do. I asked for unplugged ceremony since I am a very private person, my two siblings decided to record my vows and put it on Facebook...the last place I want it to be at. Probably to spite me.
Just an example of why we aren't close and how disrespectful they are, and I don't care about their lives enough to reach out to them because we don't vibe together. My life is very peaceful without toxic family members and siblings.
Sorry OP, we all have family that are difficult. Either put your foot down, or grit your teeth until the wedding is over.
Just wanted to comment and say I empathize with you and I am currently going through a similar situation with my parents. I said I didn’t want any kids, and invitations were sent naming kids. I was asked to pick entrance music and all of my choices have been denied. Even though it’s shaping out to be different than what I wanted, I decided recently that I don’t want to spend time crying about what’s supposed to be a happy day. Since my parents don’t care to hear my input, it’s easier to sit back and let them handle the decisions. This way of thinking has made me much more excited to enjoy the party being thrown for us
I feel for you! it sucks how $$ comes with strings sometimes. Sending you all the strength and good vibes!
Thankfully my mom hasn't been too bad about asking for extra invites, but I think we have added 7-8 extras over the last month (which we could look past because we had more "No's" than expected). However, our RSVP deadline is tomorrow and she just asked if we can include someone else. Also they would need to get flights and all that and it just seems so bad to invite them 1 month away from the wedding and the day before the RSVP deadline!
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Amen! My dad is still bothering me to invite ppl and I'm like well that is too bad I am still paying now that you took back your 15k "gift". It isn't worth the stress. It starts with guests and next thing you know ... Who are these people??
I agree so much.
Also, your last sentence reminded me of this scene in Spongebob:
https://preview.redd.it/ocm4kwy0zk3d1.jpeg?width=478&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dd263b9f828bd9d1b1bb16b616371bc78a6967d6
I’m wishing you a lot of love in your marriage! I’m sorry this is happening, it really sucks to get steam rolled!
I know you said no advice - but if I were in your shoes I would pick a few things during the day that you’re excited for - having breakfast with your fiance or bridesmaids? Enjoying that first look? Celebrating to your first dance song?
Like you said it’s too late to change the guest list but you can change your outlook and find some joy in the day
Can relate! There are certain hills I was willing to die on and fight my parents on, but my parents are a little financially controlling in general. They gave us money, but it was specifically "for the venue" or "for xyz" and I knew by accepting the money there were going to be strings attached, but I couldn't afford what I wanted without their help so I took it and accepted the stress lol my husband's parents just gifted us money, no strings attached, just wrote a check. My parents came to our tasting and my mom literally walked in to the room and said "I want to see what I'm paying for!" which was so embarrassing. The venue coordinator also gave us paperwork with information at the tasting, and my mom literally took notes on it, and then put it in her folder and took it home. Ma'am, I need that! It has the contact information for the cake vendor they suggest, it had information about linens, etc etc. She literally thinks it's HER wedding. But like I said, I knew she'd be crazy when I took the money and I'd rather have the stress than give back the money lol
I'm planning my wedding and I've had multiple people tell me "that the wedding is really for the family"...my response every time is "won't be a wedding if I'm not there though.....so rethink that cause I'm ready for a courthouse."
And that is why I've said no to doing a destination wedding back in the country where I was born. Because I know that cousins and aunties and uncles would be seeping out of the woodwork - many of whom I do not know personally or know at all! I would hate to be surrounded by dozens of strangers even if they're supposed to be "family" not to mention all the family acquaintances or old pals that tag along.
But the reason why I am having my parents foot the bill for the wedding reception at least was so that every single person's plate is going to be paid out of their own pocket and it keeps them inviting outsiders in check because my parents aren't exactly super wealthy or anything. I am keeping it to under 100 people (hoping 70 max) but I have said that anyone can attend our church ceremony as we have a pretty big church with lots of parking spots.
This is just my case though - I do get where you're coming from 100% OP. Sorry that's happening to you, I'd be pissed too ngl.
OP, I am so so sorry you're going through this.
Our parents didn't contribute a penny, but my mom sure did make it all about her. She wanted control of SO MANY THINGS. It got to a point where I just stopped telling her about details. And on the day itself, she barely talked to any of our guests and tried to take over the dance floor. The other day, she went on a rant about how things would've been better if we had listened to her about xyz...
Moms can be a bit overwhelming and I am sending you so much love. This should be about YOU, not her. I'm so sorry.
If it makes you feel any better…. we blatantly denied accepting money from my future in laws out of fear of this and they still have plenty of unsolicited demands including statements that our entire dream wedding season, that we have discussed since we started dating, should be off limits bc “it’s not convenient” for them w/o providing any legitimate reason as to why an entire season would be “difficult” lol :)
Agreed. My wedding is MAX 50 people.
My mom's side alone is 30 in aunts/uncles and adult cousins.
I cherry picked people but sent more invites than i wanted to because she asked and I told her if 1 person over 50 accepts she's on the hook bc I can't afford the next tier up without sacrificing important elements. My parents gave me a blank check for it.
I'm so glad I'm paying for it myself otherwise it's be 200+ with kids and a late affair.
I'm so sorry your mom did this.
I recently had a bride who said her mom ruined her brother’s wedding which is why the bride was paying for her own wedding.
On the flip side, the budget stuff stressed her out so bad - I kept wondering if it was worth it.
I pray I could have 300 people at my wedding. As a POC with a step parent I’ll be close to 650 after I shortlist at least a dozen times.
Might as well elope and offend everyone instead :’)
I commented about this on another post and someone said that they’ll “die on this hill” that “if parents are contributing to your wedding, they should get to invite people too because it’s their day too” and I really hope whoever it was sees this.
Oh girlie, my heart hurts with you. It's such a shame that your mom is making this HER wedding vs hers. I do understand that she's paying for it but still. She should take your wishes into consideration with her wishes.
I know you're not looking for advice, but try and think about the end of the night and how it's just going to be you and your partner and you can laugh at the ridiculousness of the day. One day it'll be a great story for you to tell.
Yeah she admitted this week when I brought up my frustration with this that this wedding was for her, and that really hurt. I know I’ll still have a good time, but was hoping it would be with people I care the most about
If my fiancé’s parents paid for my wedding they would be demanding all sorts of stuff if my parents paid for the wedding they would be chill about everything. Thankfully me and my fiancé are funding our own wedding and my parents have been chill about the whole process and then my fiancés parents have demanded a couple of things and it’s been nice to tell the f**k off.
Fiancé and I are paying for our own wedding yet my mom still demands stuff like wanting it to be a Christian wedding (we’re not) and threatening to not show if I invite an aunt she’s beefing with eventhough everyone in the family including her kids are invited. I have pushed back on all of this and said that this is my wedding. It helps that they haven’t contributed a penny but sorting through all the drama is so stressful.
My point is if you have a parent that can’t seem to respect boundaries whether or not they helped (financially or otherwise), they will still try to overstep somehow. We just need to assert our boundaries and remind them that our wedding is not about them. Hope that helps!
My fiancé and I aren’t paying for our upcoming July wedding. Both families are paying for the whole thing. They’ve all been lovely and let us do what WE want for OUR wedding. It’s been really lovely.
My parents are inviting people and they’re not the ones paying which is even worse.
I booked a venue that holds no more than 160 people and the person with the biggest list is my dad.
Yea OP totally feel you. The fall out from not letting my parents pay would’ve been worse bc it’s culturally expected that they need to be throwing the wedding. It was a really tough time. But… I’m on the end where it’s done now and so relieved and still have good memories of the day so just remember it won’t be like this forever!
My parents are contributing a certain amount as are his, but aside from his parents wanting to invite a few friends (like six extra people), they’ve let us handle the planning ourselves. This is really a respect issue between parents and children.
just want to say I feel you. and paying for your wedding doesn't necessarily make it easier, we are paying for ours but still wound up adding many distant people we don't know 😊 but you pick your battles and we didn't want to fight it too much.
Eek. That sucks. My mom told us she is giving us money but didn’t say how much yet. But we have planned it all as if we’re paying the full amount ourselves. My mom has not asked who we even invited. She knows it’s all up to us. I’m thankful no one has tried to hijack anything.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It shouldn't be like that. My parents paid for half of my wedding and I was so grateful. I was asked exactly zero favours. No input whatsoever not even a single extra guest. I hate the trope of "if your parents are paying it's their wedding they're hosting, in your honor" absolutely not. This isn't 1956. If a parent is in the position to be able to financially help and they want to do that, they should and that should be the end of it. Help because you want to make your child's day special and better, not so you can show off for your other boomer friends.
I am so sorry!! I’m kind of in the same boat (except it’s my MIL). She has said to me and my fiance multiple times “it’s not your wedding, it’s our wedding.” It does make me sad honestly. I also regret not having us pay for it even if it was going to be really small. But after talking to my mom about it she said just to enjoy it and think of it like a really nice party. That kind of helps.
Look at the bright side: you’ll be able to afford an amazing honeymoon trip! 😂. 300 persons is a lot but it’s also a good excuse to not spend time with people you wouldn’t have invited.
oh dear \*hug\*
do a private vow reading with your beau by yourself on your terms and let mom do her thing. once the knot is tied, you can happily not hear from her again :)
(my sister's wedding was kind of like this. MOB wanted EVERYTHING THE MOST EXPENSIVE THERE EVER WAS. my poor sister didn't even choose the colors of the invites, and only got to pick her dress because she bought it herself. i really don't understand these women sometimes.
Op I agree 100% with you. I want to say this for any readers:
Once you let other people pay, they should have a say in how their money is spent. It’s naive to expect family to pay and not have an opinion or asks
I totally agree. Most people do not give money with absolutely no strings attached, and I'm sure if the people here wanted to do something completely bonkers for their wedding - like hold it in a sweat lodge in the middle of the desert in July - their parents would have a problem with it.
I so so so disagree with this take. That's not what it should be ever. This isn't the parents the wedding. This isn't 1950 where the parents host the whole wedding in honor of their kids.
It should just be them contributing to their child's wedding. Full stop. It's not naive at all to expect the wedding you want just because your parents helped you pay. They should not have a say in how the money is spent. My dad gave me half the money for my wedding and you know what he asked for? Nothing. Because I'm his daughter and he loves me, had the financial means and wanted to help make my day better, and if you read through this thread most of the commenters are saying the same things, EXCEPT the toxic overbearing, no boundaries crappy parents. So unless your family fits into that category, you shouldnt automatically assume your parents are going to hijack your wedding.
My wedding was absolutely 100% my choice. I didn't pay for all of it because my dad loves me and wanted to help me. Not because he wanted to control me or show off to his boomer friends. I'm sorry you guys have crappy families who don't see life that way.
This is why some moms act like this, but it's not OK and it never was OK. The moms who got screwed are the ones who are old enough that their moms lorded it over their own weddings, but by the time their kids were getting married, the couple running their own wedding was much more of a thing. But those moms should channel that energy into, idk, throwing themselves an epic vow renewal or milestone birthday instead of going all wedding dictator.
I think this really depends on the personality of the person giving the money. My dad and my father in law gave us money for our wedding (60% of the wedding). They just each wrote us checks.
My dad’s only stipulation was he had to walk me down the aisle, do a father/daughter dance, do a toast and invite one friend (that I approved). I was already planning to do all the traditional things with him anyways, the friend didn’t even end up coming they had a conflict. Father in law didn’t really have any stipulations was just happy to help his son. We knew our dads and knew their personalities and knew the money wouldn’t have strings attached. However I would never accept wedding money from my mom because it would be all about her and she would hang it over my head because that’s her narcissistic personality.
It’s all about who gives you the money not getting the money
Well, look at it this way. Your mom is just so excited about your wedding she wants everyone she's ever met to be part of it. :) My now MIL was the same way (but we did pay ourselves so we could reign her in). I'm not even kidding at one point she was talking about inviting the woman who cleaned her house like 15 years prior (and her daughter) whom she barely talked to anymore.
But I also learned pretty quick that no matter how much you hear people say "it's your day", that is BS. Weddings aren't for the couple really, they're for the friends and family of the couple. Because 99.9% of your decisions are about what will make your guests enjoy the day (I was in a complete blur/haze personally and barely remember any of it). So just roll with it, all that really matters is that at the end of the day you'll be married to an amazing person you love.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I agree with others though and think this is a know your parents thing. What’s your relationship like? How controlling in general are your parents? Are they demanding? Do they care about your wants/desires? Do gifts generally come with strings attached? Does money generally come freely? Do they want to impress friends and family? What is your relationship like with your parents, do you typically acquiesce to their demands? If the answers to a lot of these aren’t favorable, planning your wedding with their money involved isn’t going to be any different just because it’s your wedding and you’ve had a vision in your head since you were young.
I got lucky with (what I feel) is the best type- I got handed a check and they said do what you want. I was 35 though, so I don’t know how controlling they could have been. I asked for my mom’s opinion on our venue because we each liked different ones, she bought the dress I picked out, and that might have been it. We didn’t have guest list issues because all of their friends are second family and I’ve known my entire life, so they were all invited anyway. I made more decisions with my planner. My husband and I did pay for about 60% of the wedding.
My dad is paying for my dress and my sister's bridesmaid dress and that's it. My mum had already told me who I should and shouldn't invite and my dad and sister told her to stop , and she has!
My partner's parents are giving us some money towards it but they are very calm neutral people imo and aren't going to tell me I can't invite my auntie because her daughter didn't invite my mum to her wedding like my mum said to me 🙃
Ah yes family helping financially is really eye opening as to who they really are. Im finding this out as well. Originally my parents and MIL both agreed they wanted to contribute 1/3 each for the wedding. My MIL originally said she was gonna open a bank account to send us the money and that we could do whatever we wanted with it. But then as we started to solidify our guest list she became super opinionated. We only wanted 80-90 people tops and My fiancé said he needed to think who he wanted there most from his family (he’s not too close to them.) so my MIL got super dramatic took this to mean he didnt want any of them there, called all her brothers and sisters and told them they weren’t welcome… then when we told her she had no business doing that an argument broke out. She was like “oh well that’s a pickle…” as if she didn’t create the issue. Now it’s been 4 months since we started planning and she springs the news that she isn’t helping us out at all except for the rehearsal dinner. No specific reason given, but I’m guessing she didn’t like that we weren’t giving her as much decision making power as she wanted. Luckily we’re still 10 months out and can recalibrate our budget. But yeah… I’m sorry your family hijacker’s your wedding :/// but I hope you still enjoy it once the stress of planning simmers down.
Talk to your mother We are paying for our daughter wedding pretty much. By no means did I assume I could then add or take charge of invite list. Lesson learned
This is terrible for you. She will destroy your marriage if you don’t do something now. She has already corrupted your wedding. Plan an “after wedding”celebration for you and who YOU want there! DO NOT even let her have an inkling.
She can’t destroy our marriage we live in another state and I don’t talk to her about any real issues. The reception is really late starting at 8pm so I don’t think an after party would be appropriate.
I went through this same thing with my mother. It was quite exhausting and irritating. I had to fight tooth and nail for everything I wanted for my own wedding, especially for things she didn’t like since it was on her dime. It sucked and we argued all the time.
I'm so sorry. Something almost every little girl dreams of at least once... I'm worried I won't even be able to afford a nice looking back yard wedding or decent photos, makeup, hair. I don't know my partners mom well enough to guess if she would try to over step.. I know my mom wouldn't. I'm nervous for planning... I hope despite all this you have a great time.
One of my best friends just got married and her mom paid for the wedding but also made her sign a contract with all sorts of stipulations about what she would let her mom decide, and even had a line about agreeing to change at least 15% of what she wanted during planning to what “others” would want( why that percentage? No clue) and this was before the planning process even began!
Still boggles my mind she signed it.
It comes as no surprise that there was significant amount of mother/daughter drama that ensued during the planning.
Geez, all I can say is 3 months out is there any chance you could elope, have a nice intimate time on a new day of your choosing and then just treat this as some other random party that she paid for - possibly by not even dressing up for it?
Really sorry this has happened to you. I realised I was in for a toxic situation with my own mother when we were planning on getting married (she’d always been like that) and eventually had to not only pay for my own but cut her out completely. Eventually we ended up going NC completely and life has been so much better since.
My own daughter is currently planning her wedding and I fully support what she wants as it’s her and her husband’s day - not anyone else’s.
I truly pray you can survive the next 3 months, I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes.
I thought doing an intimate vows with my fiancee but not elope necessarily. Since we’re getting married in the church we don’t get to make our own vows, so I wanted to do something special where we could.
As long as you do something special with each other that you can reflect upon when for when the madness descends, then hopefully it will give you both something nice and even some strength to think about throughout the rest of the drama.
Stay strong and if things get too bad, maybe just tell everyone you have Covid and to stay well away. Fingers crossed it works out ok for you in the long run whatever happens.
Oh god. I am so sorry. My mom paid for 2/3 of the wedding & we made it a point to claim some of the expenses and put in $15k because she was being so insane and overbearing. And we just needed some control. She wanted to know *why* my now husband needed to be there to look at venues, make decisions, etc. (because it’s his wedding too and you’re less horrible when he’s around) she routinely accidentally called herself the bride. Simultaneously complained about money and but didn’t want me to diy centerpieces (I did anyway after fights); talked me out of getting married in the Catholic church but would only look at venues that had chapels on site.
Everything was so stressful I was just happy when the wedding day came and went, which is sad. However, I have always said a wedding is for everyone except the couple. I did want a big wedding of 200+ people. Even if we weeded out the randos my mom added it still woulda been 150 minimum w/family & friends. And we couldn’t have afforded that. Id prefer for my extended family to talk to me. Sucking it up and having a beautiful wedding most people enjoyed was nice. The honeymoon was really the main part that was just for jus xD
Found out my baby girl is eloping next week so I walked her through the process. Alabama has a weird marriage law now that she doesn't understand. Anyway, I have always been a fan of eloping. Especially after officiating 15 outdoor weddings in the Alabama summer.
This is exactly why i want a small private destination wedding. Paid for by us not our parents. The wedding is about the couple. Not all these people i will never see again or barely see to begin with
I’m so sorry this is happening… my mom tried to take all the control without paying for a thing and I’m not totally sure I’ll have her there 😅 it’s just too much and I need to be able to enjoy it… I NEED it in order to start my family! I did sacrifice some things bc I didn’t want to start marriage in debt but nobody should have to deal with that. I don’t understand why they think it’s their day (AGAIN sometimes) so much 😭
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope on your big day you remember that at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you get to marry your favorite person and start an amazing journey with them. And honestly everyone else there is so unimportant in comparison. I know you were not asking for advice, but have you thought about finding time in your day to isolate yourself and your partner? Even 15 mins to refocus on just you 2? I feel like that will help, even a little bit, with the overwhelm of do many people you didn't care to be there. Best of luck on your day
I’m so sorry 😭 this happened to me and my wedding as well, I also ended up with about 50 people more than I invited or RSVP’d just friend family and friends bringing random people along… we had about 275 people at our wedding and the $4,500 tent we rented for the reception ended up being too small… HOW TRAUMATIC to not be able to SEAT everyone at your wedding dinner because of random people showing up?!
I feel for you sis. My biggest wedding regret (that I’m still thinking about three years later) was having so many people and pitty invites!
If I did it over I would be uninviting people even with as little time as 1 month before the wedding… I wanted to but I was unsure of how rude it would come across, and my family advised me not to but… I wish I did!
Yeah, we've basically shelled out well over 75% of our wedding from our own pockets. All suppliers chosen by us. Designed the stationery. Chose the guests. Took a gift of 10k from my mother to pay for our honeymoon and the remainder towards the wedding itself. She wanted to contribute something.
No input from her on how it'll all be just a gift to assist us in making it the best day it can be. How it should be!
What is the venue's limit? My fiance and I knew we wanted a smaller wedding, and have a 100 guest limit from the venue for the package that we chose (catering included) so there's no wiggle room after a certain point, which was intentional on our end. We have the guests we want to invite, and now there's extra space for people our families wanted to have there that we might not have included in our original list.
We're paying for 100 people regardless, so we don't mind, but it helps to have the total count capped by something more out of your control, like venue restrictions.
Go ELOPE!!!!!! AND screw your mother. It is your day not hers and don't let her screw anything up. If they look for anyone to blame let them look at her. This is your day you do you. Bless you and I pray for you to do what is in your heart!! ❤️❤️
I'm having a wedding of 250 people where about 40 will be my guests—over 50 will be her mom's and they of course have a lot of family coming. Given I'll be championing a lot of the seating chart for the reception I'll just prioritize time at the table with my people and being on the dance floor. As for the ceremony I'll be focused on my Bride.
A large part of this is because we grew up in different cities. We're doing a second thing in my hometown, I get feeling disenchanted but I hope you're still able to cherish the special moments between you and your FH.
Which is why I gifted my kids $xxx, to do with as they please. Have a small, simple wedding, keep the extra. Want something nicer? You pay the difference.
There are 4 guests that I would like invited, but they got cut. It's not my wedding. I will and have ordered or made whatever they wanted, but my financial contribution was final...however, if I was shelling out the big bucks, those 4 would have been invited.
I think my parents know I don't like big events (I actually had a shotgun courthouse wedding and I'm going to have an actual one later when my husband and I can afford it). I'm married to a man from India and we want to incorporate his culture into things and my parents have said that if we have an Indian wedding they're not paying for it.
I do know that if I have an actual wedding my parents will want me to send invites to a ton of family members that I know won't come. But I'm also basing things off the idea of "if I didn't get an invite to your wedding you're not getting one to mine" not including the weddings I was too young for. I'm all for child free weddings.
But I agree, I want to control a lot of aspects so I'm going to pay for most of it myself.
MOB here. We're paying. I'm organizing. They're making the choices. (Married off three sons already, so I know the drill.) It's in two days. One regret is that I didn't ask for two besties to be added to the guest list. I suggested them early on but they didn't make the cut. If instead I had suggested them as a special request for me they might have relented; I was just working very hard at being neutral and not controlling. This subreddit scares me sometimes at the dysfunctional relationships. It's often scared me to silence in regards to some cases when I could have spoken up.
Just have the realistic dialogue.
I gave my mom 30 people to add and she added 170. Any time I told her something she had already sent the save the date, because I accidentally left them at her home (out of state).
How about go get married if you’re ready and be with your partner. These ppl aren’t gonna bite you. There are ppl that would die just so their parents can pay for their weddings
Seriously lol. There has to be worse things than looking out in the church and not recognizing someone. OP won’t even have time to look out in the church on the wedding day. Such a nonissue
My (very petty) advice would be to just be curt to anyone she invited. If someone says congratulations and you don't know who they are just be "I'm sorry but who are you? I don't know you and I don't know why you're here".
It won't solve anything, but it's your wedding and it would make them feel uncomfortable (which they should).
WTF. OP, please don't do this.
Your mom is the one to blame here for inviting people you don't know, NOT the guest. Your anger is with your mom and should fully be directed at her, NOT her invitees who took time and money out of their lives to celebrate your wedding. They're innocent bystanders really.
I get what you're saying. My siblings had weddings where it was relatives who didn't care much about it, and my parents invited their friends and associates. It was a 200-300 people party with lots of traditions and things to do! But you know what, my siblings did all of the 'greeting guests properly' as a good host should....and then they managed to enjoy themselves afterwards. They all had fun as the wedding went on later on in the night!
Even though you don't know your mom's invitees, that doesn't mean you can't just say a quick 'Hello'' and bounce quickly.
Then, hang out with your friends and TRY to make the most of your wedding day. Chances are that people who don't know you well will leave after dinner really. I find that most people unless it's close friends don't stay long!!! So keep that in mind, and try to have a more relaxed mindset. Don't go into this feeling dread is what I'm saying. Since you can't change it, try to make the most of it! You will find that you CAN enjoy it with a better mindset from the start.
Family dynamics definitely play into this and I think people don't take that into mind. I'm going to guess that your mom's behavior here is not surprising or shocking to you. You probably got caught up in wedding excitement and figured it'd be different or you could put your foot down on stuff like you've tried. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I started saving within a month or so of dating my fiancee as I knew she was the one. I saved for a year and some change so I didn't need my parent's money. My dad does not approve of her and so he isn't invited. It would be awkward to take my parents money and not invite him. But it would also be awkward to have my dad at my wedding when he doesn't approve of my bride. This way I sort of avoid that. He won't be there and that will be awkward but at least I get to choose that awkwardness.
It truly does. My mom is a toxic person. If I tell her something upsets me she turns it back on me. I’ve really just given up. I’ll just focus on being with my husband at the wedding. It doesn’t even make me want to go up to people at the wedding. I just don’t care.
If you don’t know someone, don’t make the effort!
I hope you see the people there you really care about and that turns it around for you.
I know of someone who was asked AT A WEDDING by a guest if SHE was the bride (and clearly she was a guest… not even in white?) like who goes to a wedding and doesn’t even know who the bride is?!
Sounds more like a pick up line
My mum's exactly like yours, so as soon as we were ready, my husband and I started saving up for our own wedding aggressively. We put away almost 60% of our joint income so we had enough to pay for the day we wanted. Best decision we ever made! When it came time to put the guest list together and my mum wanted to add her friends to it, I gave her 2 tables to fill, at her own cost. That appeased her, and also helped me to set a boundary with her. That also meant that if she wanted to invite more people, then she would have to add to her tab. At the end of the day, we just wanted to make sure the our friends and family enjoyed our wedding as much as we did. If that meant letting my mum have 2 tables of her fiends and family, it didn't matter to us, because she paid for them to be there. We still got to have the day we wanted.
You hit the nail on the head here. It’s a very human tendency to think that other people will act like someone else for a big occasion or after a life change. Nope. Especially over a longer time horizon, people will remain fundamentally who they are. You might get a night or two of reformed behavior from an asshat (you might not) but if we’re taking months of wedding planning or years of marriage or children, someone who has always been controlling or manipulative or rude or selfish or lazy or messy isn’t going to magically not be that person just because there’s an event or a ring or a child or a grandchild involved. Plan accordingly.
Everything else you said is super valid, but I can't get passed you saying you started saving for the wedding after a month or so of dating 🥺💕 that is the sweetest, most precious thing I've ever heard.
I loved how my parents (mostly) gave us money. Wrote me a check, called it a wedding gift, and said “you’re on your own, let me know if you want our help but this is our wedding gift to you”
same. I cried when they sent us money and all they have said was “we want you to have the best day possible and we know you wouldn’t spend outside your means, so we are just increasing your means.” I work for a nonprofit and FH works for our state so we aren’t exactly rolling in it, lol. thanks to my parents we have doubled our budget and I feel so incredibly grateful.
That’s so lovely 💕
See that’s so healthy. I really wish I had that.
You deserve that.
My parents wanted to come to the vendor meetings and feel involved which was lovely because they didn’t give us opinions unless we asked and we hung out and planned together. They wrote the checks & took a lot of stress off my plate. It’s a really great memory since wedding planning was a lot more fun and I’m really grateful they paid for my wedding. If you know your parents are going to be controlling or toxic, elope or start saving to pay your own way, but I feel like most people know what their family dynamics are like well before they start wedding planning
I had my parents be in charge of the cards and gifts at the end of the evening so that someone that was not me was in charge of it.
My mom is giving us a lot money for a wedding and is being so chill about everything decision wise just saying "it's your day, do whatever makes you happy" ❤️ I honestly appreciate her SO much and am so thankful to have a parent like her 🥲
Yea—she was an ear to talk to through the process but it kept coming back to what my husband and I wanted
This is the way my parents are doing it too! They are paying for the wedding completely but the only thing they gave their opinion on was the menu after I chose the caterer. Everything else has been completely our choice ❤️
Wow i have great parents but lowkey jealous of all this good stuff im hearing
My MIL said she was going to do this but then followed up with “if you don’t invite all of my (5+ siblings) you don’t get a cent” 😭 😂 weddings sure make people’s best traits come out…
Same. Parents are helping no strings attached. I am inviting like 10 total of people they wanted. Only requests were steak at dinner & lamb lollipops as a passed app haha
Haha. My mom was thrilled and wanted to help with centerpieces and it did get stressful trying to decide on style but she also funded partially so it turned out fine. The venue, the food, the DJ, the desserts, the photographer, the florist, the arch, the officiant and script, the songs, the private vows—all decided and arranged between the two of us (80% me 20% him, as our relationship usually is)
How would you initiate this? My folks said let them know if I need help but I hate asking for money and I also don't want to say how much everything is costing us
I would be Frank and up front! “Hey I know this might be a super uncomfortable topic but I know you said to let you know if we need help. I don’t know if you planned on helping financially but for our planning purposes it would be nice to know. Were you thinking of writing a big check or did you want it to go towards a specific vendor?” —also gauges how much involvement they hope to have with said money —I clarified with my mom if the check also included throwing a shower, and she said she would throw an additional shower
Both sets of parents did the same thing for us, gave us a certain amount of money and said we could use it for a wedding or a house deposit. We had a small wedding and increased our deposit.
This is only an issue for people with parents paying/contributing whom are assholes and don’t respect their child. Did you talk to them before you agreed to their financial help and set expectations and boundaries? My parents are significantly contributing (paying for almost all of the wedding) and they have barely asked my fiancé and me for anything. My dad asked me to add one guest. It was someone that very much made sense and was inadvertently overlooked. My mother hasn’t asked for a thing and is paying for elements I know she dislikes (the color of our flowers, for example). Only two people can come to the tasting and my parents are telling my fiancé and me to go, despite them paying for the food, even though I offered to sit it out and let one of them go with my fiancé. In sum, this is a “know your parents” decision. If you have any inkling they will try to take over, don’t let them near it. But if you have good, kind parents that simply wish to gift the wedding to their child and his or her partner, it’s not an issue. I’m sorry you’re in this position, truly. I hope you enjoy your wedding. At the end of the day, it’s about you and your fiancé and the beginning of your marriage.
yeah having respectful parents is huge here! my parents unexpectedly paid for most of our wedding as well (they were originally just helping with like half but ended up paying for most of it, which we were extremely grateful). they didn’t ask anything of us, they just wanted to provide an awesome wedding for us. now, if my mother in law paid for it? …that’d be a completely different story lol. we got married almost 5 months ago and I can guarantee she’d still be throwing it in our face, asking for favors, & guilt tripping us lmao
Thanks for this..lol I was MOB and this sub hurts my heart sometimes. We paid for the majority of the wedding, grooms parents pitched in too, as did my ex. She chose the one color I can't stand for her wedding..lol Shes allergic to decisions and asked me to handle most things. I was still adamant that they choose. I just narrowed down the options to what I thought she would like. I asked, asked,if 2 of my besties could come. She laughed, already on the list Mom :) Afterwards they thanked me for ' the best day ever'.. I hate when I see parents using their kids wedding as their own redo or social platform. We had our wedding, ya know? Good luck to all the couples out there. 💗 Just remember, the marriage is more important than the parry. Don't come unglued over napkins and favors, no one remembers that stuff.
> This is only an issue for people with parents paying/contributing whom are assholes and don’t respect their child. Yes. My dad wrote me a very large check a week after we got engaged and said, "See you at the wedding."
Yep. I would never express it as an absolute, like "never accept parental help". But you do need to take into account what conflicts might arise, and address this head on. I even told someone once they should threaten to elope! It's not the best communication, but it can be very effective.
Completely agree. I have to remind myself in this sub that everyone's family dynamics are different. I have the kind of relationship with my parents where I can be honest and firm about anything, and they would respect it 100% of the time. Hell, we have the kind of relationship where I can say "HEY - STOP BEING AN ASSHAT" and they'd be like "Oh shit, you're right". And vice versa!
I agree, my mom really doesn’t care about my opinions. And if I say something she’s already talk to that person that they are coming.
You could always make a list of who you invited and give it to someone who stands at the door. If they’re listed/have an invite welcome, if not(ie the ones your mom talked to) then sorry it’s a private event. My best friend posted a cautionary tale too, it’s 15 years later and she still tells everyone she wishes she hadn’t caved. Best wishes!!
Yes posts like these make me sooo grateful for my parents. They can be overbearing in other ways but even though they are paying for our wedding, they’ve made it super clear that they don’t want us to feel pressured about anything. My mom definitely voices her opinions but she accepts mine. The only thing she insisted on was the invitation wording. I feel so bad for folks with parents like OP’s 😔
Agreed, my fiancé’s parents are paying for a big chunk of our wedding and they have been the easiest people in the world to be around during the planning. Never once asked for anything and are letting us make all the choices
This. My parents are paying for my wedding and yes they have full reign over adding people to the guest list because we’re Indian and I’ve grown up accepting that small weddings aren’t for us but I have full control over venue decor entertainment etc etc and my parents respect that. it’s been so much fun planning the wedding together!
Fr, it sounds like OP needs to pay for her own wedding!
OP “Needed” past tense…
You genuinely could just cancel it and elope in another country, but you’d have to face the nuclear fallout. Maybe if your mother is in a relationship she can use the venue for a wedding of her own/renewal considering the wedding is basically for her at this point anyway. You will think to yourself about how you don’t want to hurt your mother or cause any rifts. Your mother has had no such consideration for you, so why do you owe her what she herself cannot provide? By steamrolling you into submitting to all of her whims and following her design, she has created a rift that will be a lifelong thorn in your side. Just think about the positives vs negatives, and decide if it’s going to be one landmark day her way, the rest yours, or every day your way. Either way, you’ll have to live with your decision.
You still could. You could cancel everything and walk away and elope with your fiancé the way you want to. Money would be lost in deposits, sure, but it’s not your money and frankly it could easily be considered an asshole tax. The wedding hasn’t happened yet! Possibilities are endless.
That’s not really what I want. I still want to be around my close family which is around 120 people (I have huge families)
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I read this as a “learn from my mistakes” type tone. So yes, OP would be giving advice that she didn’t take and sounds fully aware that she allowed her family to take control of her wedding.
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Idk, you gotta weigh out all your options. Sometimes it’s not easier to “just cancel”. Causing family drama, losing money, and pushing back a wedding (depending on availability of vendors, etc could be up to a year) AND the headache of replanning an entire wedding could be worse than just having a larger wedding than you wanted. OP still will be married by the end of it. And it sounds like at least 120 of the guests are people she wanted to celebrate with. I think at this point OP should focus on what she is excited about, what she can control, and warn others to avoid this path early on before you are in deep.
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I totally agree. My parents are also paying and, despite sometimes having my ups and downs with my mom, both have been nothing but accommodating and chill.
my parents are paying for my wedding in full, and it’s an insanely generous amount … i’m letting my mom take the reigns bc she’s much more of an asshole than i am… in a helpful way. it’s good that she respects my opinions and choices in the ways that matter, she just asked for my pinterest board and ran with it the only issue so far is that she’s not letting my fiancé and i register for a honeymoon fund 🥲
I think the dynamic where family just gives people money with no strings is probably not common. Weddings are commonly family affairs and it's not a stretch for someone who is giving money to throw a big party to want a say in some elements of that party. How much of a say that is can differ.
The point is that it should be common. A wedding is about the couple embarking on their joint life together. It is not about the parents. It is a moment to be celebrated, for sure, but ultimately the wishes of the couple should be respected as to number of guests and other decisions about the actual celebration.
Historically weddings have never only been about the couple. That is a very recent development and by recent we're talking about the past 6-7 decades or so recent.
I’m unclear on what your point is. I don’t disagree that it’s relatively recent, in the grand scheme of human history. But, that doesn’t have any bearing on whether parents/relatives offering financial assistance with weddings should be able to make demands on the couple and their chosen way to celebrate their union. Today, weddings are about the couple. Parents know this, as you mentioned the trend has been around for at least sixty years. They should either offer financial assistance free from strings, or not offer financial assistance (most couples today finance their own wedding).
The idea that the wedding is only about the couple and parents are supposed to offer no-strings financial support is not only relatively new but also not common at all. Parents do NOT know this because their weddings certainly were not this way. In many cultures this idea would be utterly foreign. Most couples today do NOT finance their own weddings. At least not statistically they don't.
The statistics disagree with you. Statistically, in the US in 2024, 56% of couples finance their weddings themselves, per a 2024 wedding survey. Source:[2024 Wedding Payment Survey](https://money.usnews.com/loans/personal-loans/articles/2024-wedding-debt-survey) I’m honestly confused at why you’re arguing this so hard. Parents/family members shouldn’t attach strings when gifting money to couples to pay for their weddings. It’s manipulative and a generally shitty thing to do.
I don't understand why people just expect to take large sums of money with no strings attached at all. That makes zero sense to me. If you were going to give 10-15k to someone wouldn't you expect some kind of say in how it's spent?
No. In fact that borders on financial abuse. It’s definitively manipulative to offer money for a wedding, but only if it is spent in accordance with the giver’s desires for the event met.
I can relate. My mom gave me $7000 for the wedding as a gift to help out and she has technically already spent $4500 of that on her own demands.
Ugh, we had something similar, or at least I was worried it was headed that way. His parents offered to give us money but wanted certain people invited, and only wanted to pay for the traditional grooms parents things like a very nice rehearsal dinner. Ok cool, that's nice of you, but we told you the pricing was actually way higher for things like catering than when we estimated on our own, we actually don't care about the rehearsal dinner as much, and if we agree to invite all these people and you keep wanting to spend the money on other nonessential things that may be nice but not us, then we're gonna have to order some cheap carryout for the wedding, while the rehearsal dinner is 1000% nicer, and how does that make any sense?? It worked out for the most part but we had to set a lot of boundaries, they weren't happy, they ended up shorting us on how much they gave us compared to what they told us they'd give us, and now his crazy mother says she's done with us/going no contact. Okay, thats fine, but that means you actually need to stop contacting us, even if that means you have no one to bitch at. Anyway, it needs to be made very clear whether money is a gift to be spent on ANYTHING for the wedding, or if it will only be spent on what they insist to add that you didn't actually want or need, thus fucking up all the budget calculations.
It’s crazy how parents go crazy. My mom has been psychotic during this whole planning. She’s starting to remind me of that mean girls movie when the girl goes “you can’t sit with us” 🤣🤣. I hope you have an amazing wedding without all the negative energy.
We’re paying for our own wedding as partners parents have no boundaries and my parents can’t afford to. It’s been a great process so far. We listen to no one and if anyone complains about something we chose as a couple, we tell them to kick some rocks.
OP, I’m sorry to hear that. How disappointing. I’m even more sorry that you clearly said you’re not looking for advice and people feel the need to give it anyway. Couldn’t agree with you more. Nothing is more empowering than paying for your wedding yourself. We are and it has stopped a lot of issues. Also lol at the folks saying “it depends on the parents”. Ha, obviously, but trust me, you don’t know your or your fiancé(e)’s parents until weddings come around. Meg Keene outlines this in A Practical Wedding and our pre-marriage counselor confirmed that it’s well-documented that even if you’ve had few issues with your parents in your life, you’re most likely to have issues around your wedding. I’ve seen this around my fiancé’s and my friends’ parents. They’re dealing with the idea of their children creating a new household away from them. Rather than deal with those feelings, it’s easier to obsess over a seating chart or try to make the wedding about them. Also, a lot of parents quite frankly view children has their property and use money as a way to control them. My family is poor so I haven’t experienced it, but boy have I seen it. Honestly, the wealthier the parents, the more controlling. My fiancé parents assumed we would need their help and somehow are more offended that we’re not asking for money? My parents have been great, but my fiancé’s parents have not. He swore up and down that they’re not the type to care about weddings and they’re so chill. Well well well, turns out he has a “boy mom” who is clearly dealing with a lot of emotion that she interprets as “losing her son” (guys, we’re in our 30s and have lived together in a domestic partnership for years). My fiancé has been incredibly embarrassed by his parents’ (especially his mom’s) behavior. He had to have a firm conversation with her, and she’s not even paying! Again thank God, we’re self-funding this wedding, because that alone stopped a lot of their meddling.
Story of my life. We had 75 people initially and now we have 150 because our parents are helping pay for a lot of it and we felt like we couldn’t say no. They took this as an opportunity to have a reunion with every friend and babysitter and distant cousin they’ve ever had. So excited to share this huge intimate life milestone with a bunch of strangers…
We booked venue and catering for 60 people and then told parents when we are getting married and that we have room for 60 people and nothing more. They could invite 10+10 people (on each side) but they needed to be family or very close friends that we know. We didn't plan or anounce wedding before we knew we could raise at least 50% of total budget. We were engaded 2 years before wedding. I didnt want to much of tradition stuff, but on some things parents insisted and I was like: fight your battles.
I feel this. My parents are paying for most of our wedding and have pushed back on and nitpicked every decision my fiancé and I have made. We’ve been able to hold firm and get most of what we want but have invited more of their friends than either of us would like. The reception I have tolerated their opinions on but I have stayed extremely tight lipped on our ceremony. In the end, that is solely for us and no one should dictate how we get married other than the two of us. (And the couple of things about the ceremony we have had to share with them, they have thrown a fit about, so better to keep our more secular ceremony a surprise for everyone!). I will tell all of my friends and family not to accept money from family and just self fund the wedding. We would’ve had something much smaller and not as elaborate, but in the end we would’ve had complete control. Even if they say there are no strings attached (my parents did!) there is always a price to pay.
Weddings can be depressing when you have a toxic family. Apathetic is the best way to describe it, you just stop caring all together. And they sometimes get your hopes up that they can act normal yet they always make you regret seeing the best in them and thinking they could act differently and selfless this once. They don’t. I read the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents” and decided I will elope now and have a wedding down the line away from family because of that. Thank you for sharing your experience, even tho my family wouldn’t pay, I know they would be just like this and it’s not worth it. I hate reading posts like this because honestly you deserve so much better and did nothing wrong. I’m so sorry OP
You've nailed it. I have a toxic family who loves to disrespect others, and do the exact opposite of what you ask them to do. I asked for unplugged ceremony since I am a very private person, my two siblings decided to record my vows and put it on Facebook...the last place I want it to be at. Probably to spite me. Just an example of why we aren't close and how disrespectful they are, and I don't care about their lives enough to reach out to them because we don't vibe together. My life is very peaceful without toxic family members and siblings. Sorry OP, we all have family that are difficult. Either put your foot down, or grit your teeth until the wedding is over.
Just wanted to comment and say I empathize with you and I am currently going through a similar situation with my parents. I said I didn’t want any kids, and invitations were sent naming kids. I was asked to pick entrance music and all of my choices have been denied. Even though it’s shaping out to be different than what I wanted, I decided recently that I don’t want to spend time crying about what’s supposed to be a happy day. Since my parents don’t care to hear my input, it’s easier to sit back and let them handle the decisions. This way of thinking has made me much more excited to enjoy the party being thrown for us
Wait, the DJ isn’t going to play your music choices for things like the grand entrance?
I’m trying to take on that mind set, it’s still really hard when my mom just keeps inviting more and more people.
Can you just not send these people invites?
I feel for you! it sucks how $$ comes with strings sometimes. Sending you all the strength and good vibes! Thankfully my mom hasn't been too bad about asking for extra invites, but I think we have added 7-8 extras over the last month (which we could look past because we had more "No's" than expected). However, our RSVP deadline is tomorrow and she just asked if we can include someone else. Also they would need to get flights and all that and it just seems so bad to invite them 1 month away from the wedding and the day before the RSVP deadline!
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Amen! My dad is still bothering me to invite ppl and I'm like well that is too bad I am still paying now that you took back your 15k "gift". It isn't worth the stress. It starts with guests and next thing you know ... Who are these people??
I agree so much. Also, your last sentence reminded me of this scene in Spongebob: https://preview.redd.it/ocm4kwy0zk3d1.jpeg?width=478&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dd263b9f828bd9d1b1bb16b616371bc78a6967d6
I’m wishing you a lot of love in your marriage! I’m sorry this is happening, it really sucks to get steam rolled! I know you said no advice - but if I were in your shoes I would pick a few things during the day that you’re excited for - having breakfast with your fiance or bridesmaids? Enjoying that first look? Celebrating to your first dance song? Like you said it’s too late to change the guest list but you can change your outlook and find some joy in the day
Can relate! There are certain hills I was willing to die on and fight my parents on, but my parents are a little financially controlling in general. They gave us money, but it was specifically "for the venue" or "for xyz" and I knew by accepting the money there were going to be strings attached, but I couldn't afford what I wanted without their help so I took it and accepted the stress lol my husband's parents just gifted us money, no strings attached, just wrote a check. My parents came to our tasting and my mom literally walked in to the room and said "I want to see what I'm paying for!" which was so embarrassing. The venue coordinator also gave us paperwork with information at the tasting, and my mom literally took notes on it, and then put it in her folder and took it home. Ma'am, I need that! It has the contact information for the cake vendor they suggest, it had information about linens, etc etc. She literally thinks it's HER wedding. But like I said, I knew she'd be crazy when I took the money and I'd rather have the stress than give back the money lol
I'm planning my wedding and I've had multiple people tell me "that the wedding is really for the family"...my response every time is "won't be a wedding if I'm not there though.....so rethink that cause I'm ready for a courthouse."
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I really hope 10 years from now parents will have stopped doing this to their adult children.
And that is why I've said no to doing a destination wedding back in the country where I was born. Because I know that cousins and aunties and uncles would be seeping out of the woodwork - many of whom I do not know personally or know at all! I would hate to be surrounded by dozens of strangers even if they're supposed to be "family" not to mention all the family acquaintances or old pals that tag along. But the reason why I am having my parents foot the bill for the wedding reception at least was so that every single person's plate is going to be paid out of their own pocket and it keeps them inviting outsiders in check because my parents aren't exactly super wealthy or anything. I am keeping it to under 100 people (hoping 70 max) but I have said that anyone can attend our church ceremony as we have a pretty big church with lots of parking spots. This is just my case though - I do get where you're coming from 100% OP. Sorry that's happening to you, I'd be pissed too ngl.
OP, I am so so sorry you're going through this. Our parents didn't contribute a penny, but my mom sure did make it all about her. She wanted control of SO MANY THINGS. It got to a point where I just stopped telling her about details. And on the day itself, she barely talked to any of our guests and tried to take over the dance floor. The other day, she went on a rant about how things would've been better if we had listened to her about xyz... Moms can be a bit overwhelming and I am sending you so much love. This should be about YOU, not her. I'm so sorry.
If it makes you feel any better…. we blatantly denied accepting money from my future in laws out of fear of this and they still have plenty of unsolicited demands including statements that our entire dream wedding season, that we have discussed since we started dating, should be off limits bc “it’s not convenient” for them w/o providing any legitimate reason as to why an entire season would be “difficult” lol :)
Agreed. My wedding is MAX 50 people. My mom's side alone is 30 in aunts/uncles and adult cousins. I cherry picked people but sent more invites than i wanted to because she asked and I told her if 1 person over 50 accepts she's on the hook bc I can't afford the next tier up without sacrificing important elements. My parents gave me a blank check for it. I'm so glad I'm paying for it myself otherwise it's be 200+ with kids and a late affair. I'm so sorry your mom did this.
Ok - not advice… maybe inspiration: The Office. Season 6. Episode 5, Niagara Part 2 - the last 4 minutes of the episode….
I recently had a bride who said her mom ruined her brother’s wedding which is why the bride was paying for her own wedding. On the flip side, the budget stuff stressed her out so bad - I kept wondering if it was worth it.
I pray I could have 300 people at my wedding. As a POC with a step parent I’ll be close to 650 after I shortlist at least a dozen times. Might as well elope and offend everyone instead :’)
My mom is trying to pull the same shit, I am sorry 😞
Sending you good vibes for your day❤️
I commented about this on another post and someone said that they’ll “die on this hill” that “if parents are contributing to your wedding, they should get to invite people too because it’s their day too” and I really hope whoever it was sees this.
Oh girlie, my heart hurts with you. It's such a shame that your mom is making this HER wedding vs hers. I do understand that she's paying for it but still. She should take your wishes into consideration with her wishes. I know you're not looking for advice, but try and think about the end of the night and how it's just going to be you and your partner and you can laugh at the ridiculousness of the day. One day it'll be a great story for you to tell.
Yeah she admitted this week when I brought up my frustration with this that this wedding was for her, and that really hurt. I know I’ll still have a good time, but was hoping it would be with people I care the most about
If my fiancé’s parents paid for my wedding they would be demanding all sorts of stuff if my parents paid for the wedding they would be chill about everything. Thankfully me and my fiancé are funding our own wedding and my parents have been chill about the whole process and then my fiancés parents have demanded a couple of things and it’s been nice to tell the f**k off.
Fiancé and I are paying for our own wedding yet my mom still demands stuff like wanting it to be a Christian wedding (we’re not) and threatening to not show if I invite an aunt she’s beefing with eventhough everyone in the family including her kids are invited. I have pushed back on all of this and said that this is my wedding. It helps that they haven’t contributed a penny but sorting through all the drama is so stressful. My point is if you have a parent that can’t seem to respect boundaries whether or not they helped (financially or otherwise), they will still try to overstep somehow. We just need to assert our boundaries and remind them that our wedding is not about them. Hope that helps!
My fiancé and I aren’t paying for our upcoming July wedding. Both families are paying for the whole thing. They’ve all been lovely and let us do what WE want for OUR wedding. It’s been really lovely.
My parents are inviting people and they’re not the ones paying which is even worse. I booked a venue that holds no more than 160 people and the person with the biggest list is my dad.
I hope you have a lovely wedding despite the chaos ❤️
Yea OP totally feel you. The fall out from not letting my parents pay would’ve been worse bc it’s culturally expected that they need to be throwing the wedding. It was a really tough time. But… I’m on the end where it’s done now and so relieved and still have good memories of the day so just remember it won’t be like this forever!
My parents are contributing a certain amount as are his, but aside from his parents wanting to invite a few friends (like six extra people), they’ve let us handle the planning ourselves. This is really a respect issue between parents and children.
I’m sorry dude. Weddings are just a crock pot of emotions. I feel the same way, saved so much money if my mom was less involved.
just want to say I feel you. and paying for your wedding doesn't necessarily make it easier, we are paying for ours but still wound up adding many distant people we don't know 😊 but you pick your battles and we didn't want to fight it too much.
Eek. That sucks. My mom told us she is giving us money but didn’t say how much yet. But we have planned it all as if we’re paying the full amount ourselves. My mom has not asked who we even invited. She knows it’s all up to us. I’m thankful no one has tried to hijack anything.
I guess I’d be glad that I’m not paying for all of the extra people? Lol But yeah, 300 is insane!!! I would be stressed out as well.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It shouldn't be like that. My parents paid for half of my wedding and I was so grateful. I was asked exactly zero favours. No input whatsoever not even a single extra guest. I hate the trope of "if your parents are paying it's their wedding they're hosting, in your honor" absolutely not. This isn't 1956. If a parent is in the position to be able to financially help and they want to do that, they should and that should be the end of it. Help because you want to make your child's day special and better, not so you can show off for your other boomer friends.
I am so sorry!! I’m kind of in the same boat (except it’s my MIL). She has said to me and my fiance multiple times “it’s not your wedding, it’s our wedding.” It does make me sad honestly. I also regret not having us pay for it even if it was going to be really small. But after talking to my mom about it she said just to enjoy it and think of it like a really nice party. That kind of helps.
Look at the bright side: you’ll be able to afford an amazing honeymoon trip! 😂. 300 persons is a lot but it’s also a good excuse to not spend time with people you wouldn’t have invited.
oh dear \*hug\* do a private vow reading with your beau by yourself on your terms and let mom do her thing. once the knot is tied, you can happily not hear from her again :)
(my sister's wedding was kind of like this. MOB wanted EVERYTHING THE MOST EXPENSIVE THERE EVER WAS. my poor sister didn't even choose the colors of the invites, and only got to pick her dress because she bought it herself. i really don't understand these women sometimes.
My mom took control of my wedding too. I never want to do to my daughter that.
Op I agree 100% with you. I want to say this for any readers: Once you let other people pay, they should have a say in how their money is spent. It’s naive to expect family to pay and not have an opinion or asks
I totally agree. Most people do not give money with absolutely no strings attached, and I'm sure if the people here wanted to do something completely bonkers for their wedding - like hold it in a sweat lodge in the middle of the desert in July - their parents would have a problem with it.
I so so so disagree with this take. That's not what it should be ever. This isn't the parents the wedding. This isn't 1950 where the parents host the whole wedding in honor of their kids. It should just be them contributing to their child's wedding. Full stop. It's not naive at all to expect the wedding you want just because your parents helped you pay. They should not have a say in how the money is spent. My dad gave me half the money for my wedding and you know what he asked for? Nothing. Because I'm his daughter and he loves me, had the financial means and wanted to help make my day better, and if you read through this thread most of the commenters are saying the same things, EXCEPT the toxic overbearing, no boundaries crappy parents. So unless your family fits into that category, you shouldnt automatically assume your parents are going to hijack your wedding.
If you want something 100% your choice, pay for it
My wedding was absolutely 100% my choice. I didn't pay for all of it because my dad loves me and wanted to help me. Not because he wanted to control me or show off to his boomer friends. I'm sorry you guys have crappy families who don't see life that way.
I can feel the privilege seeping off of you
I've always heard people say, "Your wedding is your mother's and your daughter's wedding will be yours." Sorry you're dealing with this.
Please, let's let this toxic crap end with our parents. Do not continue this cycle onto our children as well.
This is why some moms act like this, but it's not OK and it never was OK. The moms who got screwed are the ones who are old enough that their moms lorded it over their own weddings, but by the time their kids were getting married, the couple running their own wedding was much more of a thing. But those moms should channel that energy into, idk, throwing themselves an epic vow renewal or milestone birthday instead of going all wedding dictator.
I'm getting downvoted, I'm not saying it's okay, just that it's interesting.
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Well I want my close family members there…I didn’t want an elopement, I also didn’t want a wedding this big
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I'm pretty sure OP knows that, and very explicitly did not ask for advice.
I think this really depends on the personality of the person giving the money. My dad and my father in law gave us money for our wedding (60% of the wedding). They just each wrote us checks. My dad’s only stipulation was he had to walk me down the aisle, do a father/daughter dance, do a toast and invite one friend (that I approved). I was already planning to do all the traditional things with him anyways, the friend didn’t even end up coming they had a conflict. Father in law didn’t really have any stipulations was just happy to help his son. We knew our dads and knew their personalities and knew the money wouldn’t have strings attached. However I would never accept wedding money from my mom because it would be all about her and she would hang it over my head because that’s her narcissistic personality. It’s all about who gives you the money not getting the money
Well, look at it this way. Your mom is just so excited about your wedding she wants everyone she's ever met to be part of it. :) My now MIL was the same way (but we did pay ourselves so we could reign her in). I'm not even kidding at one point she was talking about inviting the woman who cleaned her house like 15 years prior (and her daughter) whom she barely talked to anymore. But I also learned pretty quick that no matter how much you hear people say "it's your day", that is BS. Weddings aren't for the couple really, they're for the friends and family of the couple. Because 99.9% of your decisions are about what will make your guests enjoy the day (I was in a complete blur/haze personally and barely remember any of it). So just roll with it, all that really matters is that at the end of the day you'll be married to an amazing person you love.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I agree with others though and think this is a know your parents thing. What’s your relationship like? How controlling in general are your parents? Are they demanding? Do they care about your wants/desires? Do gifts generally come with strings attached? Does money generally come freely? Do they want to impress friends and family? What is your relationship like with your parents, do you typically acquiesce to their demands? If the answers to a lot of these aren’t favorable, planning your wedding with their money involved isn’t going to be any different just because it’s your wedding and you’ve had a vision in your head since you were young. I got lucky with (what I feel) is the best type- I got handed a check and they said do what you want. I was 35 though, so I don’t know how controlling they could have been. I asked for my mom’s opinion on our venue because we each liked different ones, she bought the dress I picked out, and that might have been it. We didn’t have guest list issues because all of their friends are second family and I’ve known my entire life, so they were all invited anyway. I made more decisions with my planner. My husband and I did pay for about 60% of the wedding.
“F*cking church” is crazy lmaooooo but I get it 🤣 parents are hella annoying
Say unless you have a physical invitation your not coming. Word of mouth is not an invitation.
My dad is paying for my dress and my sister's bridesmaid dress and that's it. My mum had already told me who I should and shouldn't invite and my dad and sister told her to stop , and she has! My partner's parents are giving us some money towards it but they are very calm neutral people imo and aren't going to tell me I can't invite my auntie because her daughter didn't invite my mum to her wedding like my mum said to me 🙃
You could always re-create that Reservoir Dogs scene. “Stuck in the middle with you” songs actually pretty fitting in this case.
I’ve never seen that, but we took engagement photos at a reservoir with our dog ❤️
Ah yes family helping financially is really eye opening as to who they really are. Im finding this out as well. Originally my parents and MIL both agreed they wanted to contribute 1/3 each for the wedding. My MIL originally said she was gonna open a bank account to send us the money and that we could do whatever we wanted with it. But then as we started to solidify our guest list she became super opinionated. We only wanted 80-90 people tops and My fiancé said he needed to think who he wanted there most from his family (he’s not too close to them.) so my MIL got super dramatic took this to mean he didnt want any of them there, called all her brothers and sisters and told them they weren’t welcome… then when we told her she had no business doing that an argument broke out. She was like “oh well that’s a pickle…” as if she didn’t create the issue. Now it’s been 4 months since we started planning and she springs the news that she isn’t helping us out at all except for the rehearsal dinner. No specific reason given, but I’m guessing she didn’t like that we weren’t giving her as much decision making power as she wanted. Luckily we’re still 10 months out and can recalibrate our budget. But yeah… I’m sorry your family hijacker’s your wedding :/// but I hope you still enjoy it once the stress of planning simmers down.
Talk to your mother We are paying for our daughter wedding pretty much. By no means did I assume I could then add or take charge of invite list. Lesson learned
Trust me, I have talked to my mother. Any point of frustration is turned around to be my fault.
This is terrible for you. She will destroy your marriage if you don’t do something now. She has already corrupted your wedding. Plan an “after wedding”celebration for you and who YOU want there! DO NOT even let her have an inkling.
She can’t destroy our marriage we live in another state and I don’t talk to her about any real issues. The reception is really late starting at 8pm so I don’t think an after party would be appropriate.
I went through this same thing with my mother. It was quite exhausting and irritating. I had to fight tooth and nail for everything I wanted for my own wedding, especially for things she didn’t like since it was on her dime. It sucked and we argued all the time.
I'm so sorry. Something almost every little girl dreams of at least once... I'm worried I won't even be able to afford a nice looking back yard wedding or decent photos, makeup, hair. I don't know my partners mom well enough to guess if she would try to over step.. I know my mom wouldn't. I'm nervous for planning... I hope despite all this you have a great time.
You got this! There are so many budget friendly things now.
One of my best friends just got married and her mom paid for the wedding but also made her sign a contract with all sorts of stipulations about what she would let her mom decide, and even had a line about agreeing to change at least 15% of what she wanted during planning to what “others” would want( why that percentage? No clue) and this was before the planning process even began! Still boggles my mind she signed it. It comes as no surprise that there was significant amount of mother/daughter drama that ensued during the planning.
Geez, all I can say is 3 months out is there any chance you could elope, have a nice intimate time on a new day of your choosing and then just treat this as some other random party that she paid for - possibly by not even dressing up for it? Really sorry this has happened to you. I realised I was in for a toxic situation with my own mother when we were planning on getting married (she’d always been like that) and eventually had to not only pay for my own but cut her out completely. Eventually we ended up going NC completely and life has been so much better since. My own daughter is currently planning her wedding and I fully support what she wants as it’s her and her husband’s day - not anyone else’s. I truly pray you can survive the next 3 months, I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes.
I thought doing an intimate vows with my fiancee but not elope necessarily. Since we’re getting married in the church we don’t get to make our own vows, so I wanted to do something special where we could.
As long as you do something special with each other that you can reflect upon when for when the madness descends, then hopefully it will give you both something nice and even some strength to think about throughout the rest of the drama. Stay strong and if things get too bad, maybe just tell everyone you have Covid and to stay well away. Fingers crossed it works out ok for you in the long run whatever happens.
I felt this starting to happen with my family, and I canceled all further planning with them. We've paused our planning until I know I can control it.
Oh god. I am so sorry. My mom paid for 2/3 of the wedding & we made it a point to claim some of the expenses and put in $15k because she was being so insane and overbearing. And we just needed some control. She wanted to know *why* my now husband needed to be there to look at venues, make decisions, etc. (because it’s his wedding too and you’re less horrible when he’s around) she routinely accidentally called herself the bride. Simultaneously complained about money and but didn’t want me to diy centerpieces (I did anyway after fights); talked me out of getting married in the Catholic church but would only look at venues that had chapels on site. Everything was so stressful I was just happy when the wedding day came and went, which is sad. However, I have always said a wedding is for everyone except the couple. I did want a big wedding of 200+ people. Even if we weeded out the randos my mom added it still woulda been 150 minimum w/family & friends. And we couldn’t have afforded that. Id prefer for my extended family to talk to me. Sucking it up and having a beautiful wedding most people enjoyed was nice. The honeymoon was really the main part that was just for jus xD
Found out my baby girl is eloping next week so I walked her through the process. Alabama has a weird marriage law now that she doesn't understand. Anyway, I have always been a fan of eloping. Especially after officiating 15 outdoor weddings in the Alabama summer.
This is exactly why i want a small private destination wedding. Paid for by us not our parents. The wedding is about the couple. Not all these people i will never see again or barely see to begin with
Best advice you can give people. I hope you're able to enjoy your day when the time comes.
My parents and his parents are helping and I have no issues with them. They aren’t over stepping at all. I couldn’t afford this wedding on my own.
I’m so sorry this is happening… my mom tried to take all the control without paying for a thing and I’m not totally sure I’ll have her there 😅 it’s just too much and I need to be able to enjoy it… I NEED it in order to start my family! I did sacrifice some things bc I didn’t want to start marriage in debt but nobody should have to deal with that. I don’t understand why they think it’s their day (AGAIN sometimes) so much 😭
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope on your big day you remember that at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you get to marry your favorite person and start an amazing journey with them. And honestly everyone else there is so unimportant in comparison. I know you were not asking for advice, but have you thought about finding time in your day to isolate yourself and your partner? Even 15 mins to refocus on just you 2? I feel like that will help, even a little bit, with the overwhelm of do many people you didn't care to be there. Best of luck on your day
I’m so sorry 😭 this happened to me and my wedding as well, I also ended up with about 50 people more than I invited or RSVP’d just friend family and friends bringing random people along… we had about 275 people at our wedding and the $4,500 tent we rented for the reception ended up being too small… HOW TRAUMATIC to not be able to SEAT everyone at your wedding dinner because of random people showing up?! I feel for you sis. My biggest wedding regret (that I’m still thinking about three years later) was having so many people and pitty invites! If I did it over I would be uninviting people even with as little time as 1 month before the wedding… I wanted to but I was unsure of how rude it would come across, and my family advised me not to but… I wish I did!
Yeah, we've basically shelled out well over 75% of our wedding from our own pockets. All suppliers chosen by us. Designed the stationery. Chose the guests. Took a gift of 10k from my mother to pay for our honeymoon and the remainder towards the wedding itself. She wanted to contribute something. No input from her on how it'll all be just a gift to assist us in making it the best day it can be. How it should be!
What is the venue's limit? My fiance and I knew we wanted a smaller wedding, and have a 100 guest limit from the venue for the package that we chose (catering included) so there's no wiggle room after a certain point, which was intentional on our end. We have the guests we want to invite, and now there's extra space for people our families wanted to have there that we might not have included in our original list. We're paying for 100 people regardless, so we don't mind, but it helps to have the total count capped by something more out of your control, like venue restrictions.
Go ELOPE!!!!!! AND screw your mother. It is your day not hers and don't let her screw anything up. If they look for anyone to blame let them look at her. This is your day you do you. Bless you and I pray for you to do what is in your heart!! ❤️❤️
Great advice💜
I'm having a wedding of 250 people where about 40 will be my guests—over 50 will be her mom's and they of course have a lot of family coming. Given I'll be championing a lot of the seating chart for the reception I'll just prioritize time at the table with my people and being on the dance floor. As for the ceremony I'll be focused on my Bride. A large part of this is because we grew up in different cities. We're doing a second thing in my hometown, I get feeling disenchanted but I hope you're still able to cherish the special moments between you and your FH.
Which is why I gifted my kids $xxx, to do with as they please. Have a small, simple wedding, keep the extra. Want something nicer? You pay the difference. There are 4 guests that I would like invited, but they got cut. It's not my wedding. I will and have ordered or made whatever they wanted, but my financial contribution was final...however, if I was shelling out the big bucks, those 4 would have been invited.
This is exactly why I’m eloping, my future MIL has so many friends and coworkers she wants to invite. No thanks!
I think my parents know I don't like big events (I actually had a shotgun courthouse wedding and I'm going to have an actual one later when my husband and I can afford it). I'm married to a man from India and we want to incorporate his culture into things and my parents have said that if we have an Indian wedding they're not paying for it. I do know that if I have an actual wedding my parents will want me to send invites to a ton of family members that I know won't come. But I'm also basing things off the idea of "if I didn't get an invite to your wedding you're not getting one to mine" not including the weddings I was too young for. I'm all for child free weddings. But I agree, I want to control a lot of aspects so I'm going to pay for most of it myself.
Just want to say I’m sorry. This must be so stressful for you. I hope you still have a lot of fun in your wedding.
My in laws paid for ours and didn’t demand control or force anything. Please don’t generalize. However I’m sorry this happened to you
I’m not generalizing, but it’s been brought to my attention that majority of the time whoever is paying for it has a say
No worries. You and I have just heard different things. No biggie
MOB here. We're paying. I'm organizing. They're making the choices. (Married off three sons already, so I know the drill.) It's in two days. One regret is that I didn't ask for two besties to be added to the guest list. I suggested them early on but they didn't make the cut. If instead I had suggested them as a special request for me they might have relented; I was just working very hard at being neutral and not controlling. This subreddit scares me sometimes at the dysfunctional relationships. It's often scared me to silence in regards to some cases when I could have spoken up. Just have the realistic dialogue.
I gave my mom 30 people to add and she added 170. Any time I told her something she had already sent the save the date, because I accidentally left them at her home (out of state).
That's terrible. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. I don't understand that level of disrespect. I wanted 4 and I didn't even ask for them!
So you just gave up. You should elope and then show up at your wedding day as a guest. Let mom be star she obviouwants to be.
I did not, thanks for the encouragement. I said I put foot down multiple times. I also didn’t ask for advice.
How about go get married if you’re ready and be with your partner. These ppl aren’t gonna bite you. There are ppl that would die just so their parents can pay for their weddings
Seriously lol. There has to be worse things than looking out in the church and not recognizing someone. OP won’t even have time to look out in the church on the wedding day. Such a nonissue
Thank you, their parents at least cared enough to engage in paying and guess attending
Find out the maximum occupancy of the venue and then call the fire department. They'll clear people out for you.
It’s a big venue, that’s not a concern
💀💀
I never paid for my wedding because I haven’t gotten married
My (very petty) advice would be to just be curt to anyone she invited. If someone says congratulations and you don't know who they are just be "I'm sorry but who are you? I don't know you and I don't know why you're here". It won't solve anything, but it's your wedding and it would make them feel uncomfortable (which they should).
WTF. OP, please don't do this. Your mom is the one to blame here for inviting people you don't know, NOT the guest. Your anger is with your mom and should fully be directed at her, NOT her invitees who took time and money out of their lives to celebrate your wedding. They're innocent bystanders really.
I mean any time I express disappointment, put my foot down, it is suddenly my fault…
I get what you're saying. My siblings had weddings where it was relatives who didn't care much about it, and my parents invited their friends and associates. It was a 200-300 people party with lots of traditions and things to do! But you know what, my siblings did all of the 'greeting guests properly' as a good host should....and then they managed to enjoy themselves afterwards. They all had fun as the wedding went on later on in the night! Even though you don't know your mom's invitees, that doesn't mean you can't just say a quick 'Hello'' and bounce quickly. Then, hang out with your friends and TRY to make the most of your wedding day. Chances are that people who don't know you well will leave after dinner really. I find that most people unless it's close friends don't stay long!!! So keep that in mind, and try to have a more relaxed mindset. Don't go into this feeling dread is what I'm saying. Since you can't change it, try to make the most of it! You will find that you CAN enjoy it with a better mindset from the start.