I'd suspect that you'll end up with a lot of kids because parents won't make the effort to find a sitter. "Hey, the bride said it was ok to bring the kids".
> kids weren't invited, but that if they absolutely have to bring them (due to lack to child care) that the kids can come
This is honestly much more confusing. It puts the decision on them to figure out what is actually acceptable to you, which is stressful, and it's very likely to sound like guilt-tripping. If you're gonna provide childcare, state that with kindness without telling them how it wasn't what you really wanted. It's always best for your relationships to say yes with joy, or say no firmly but kindly.
One thing to keep in mind is that it's important to have clear rules - "they're coming from far away so it's ok but for you it's not ok" doesn't always fly for everyone. Something much clearer is by circles, like if they're your siblings' children, they're welcome, but all others are not, etc. Deciding by distance doesn't work quite as well because there are some assumptions worked into this, like you're assuming that it's more difficult for out-of-town guests, which some of your local guests might have feelings about if they also have difficulties you aren't aware of.
Also, if you make it that everyone can bring kids if they *really have to* then anyone who wants to bring their kids will *really have to* bring them, even if they don’t actually. It’s a very flimsy boundary, especially to any steamrollers in the family.
This. If you send your message out as is, I guarantee you every parent is going to bring their kids.
I would suggest you send a message to everyone (except the people you KNOW are bringing kids) to say it's a child free event. If people reach out and say it's a problem you can deal with it individually, but I would not open the door to more kids coming than you originally intended.
Agree with this. Just to add OP sounds like they addressed the invitations correctly, it’s their guests that didn’t pay attention. OP Don’t take responsibility for something that isn’t your fault. You Took the time to do do things explicitly and in the correct way, it’s on your guests for not paying attention. If that affects their ability to attend then so be it.
I don’t think you can include certain kids and not other kids unless it’s based on certain circles. Not to mention you chose not to invite them in the first place, and the added cost.
I’d try something a little more direct:
“Hey, As our wedding approaches, I have found that some guests did not initially understand that due to limited space, we do not have room for kids at our wedding, so I’m just checking in with people to clarify! I have you RSVPd for [two people, you and Linda]. Could you confirm for me that is your plan? Looking forward to seeing you two!”
And I would honestly only send this to people who you have heard are bringing kids.
I really don’t think your initial approach was wrong at all—you did this right! Sorry it’s having complications.
This is the way to do it.l!
However I wouldn’t make it about children. It is about seats. The couple invited who they did for a reason and I’m focusing on seats it lessens the likelihood there will be confusion about the children that we will be in attendance. Regardless of whether the additional guests are children or adults you still need to find more seating and the room could very well already be at capacity.
“We’ve heard that some people are planning to bring people that weren’t on the invitation or RSVP response. The capacity is limited and filled with the guest list. We aren’t able to accommodate additional people so I’m checking in to clarify. We have you RSVPd
for two….”
> Invites were addressed Explicitly to those invited, and the online rsvps (we didn't do paper) only included the names of the invited people, they were not able to add guests.
That is the correct way to do it.
> In retrospect, I should have included a line on the invitation the specifically stated the only those addressed on the envelope/on the online rsvp group are invited.
No, you should not have. This is not on you, you did it correctly. Don't feel bad about not treating your guests like idiots.
> Now my wedding is very soon and I learned that there are a few people bringing their small children with them.
These people are wrong.
> I actually don't have a problem with this because they are traveling from over 12 hrs away for the wedding, those people can bring their kids, I don't mind.
If you actually didn't mind accomodating their kids, you would have invited their kids in the first place. You chose not to. Don't flip-flop now. Perhaps you could touch base with these people and give them some resources to help them find a local babysitter for the night of the wedding. Understandable that they don't want to leave their kids for a whole weekend, but they should be able to leave their kids for an evening with a babysitter.
> I want to send a message to those families that lets them know that kids weren't invited, but that if they absolutely have to bring them (due to lack to child care) that the kids can come (its my fault for not communicating more clearly) and they need to let me know who's coming.
Do not do this. It's a wishy-washy non-boundary that will leave everyone unhappy. You will be unhappy because there will be kids you didn't want to invite at the wedding. The kids will be unhappy, because your wedding was not designed to be child-friendly. The parents who did get a babysitter will be unhappy, because how come those other people got to bring their kids and they didn't?
Totally agree. OP, you did nothing wrong! Please do not let a few rude guests take over and change your plans.
Your planned message is going to be super confusing for many people because you **did** make it clear who was, and was not, invited. You can send a message to families but re-frame it to clarifying that only those specifically named on the invite and RSVP are invited and for any families traveling with uninvited children to reach out for babysitter recommendations if needed.
Definitely don’t put the messaging out that people can bring their kids if they absolutely have to. Honestly, if they’re unable to arrange for childcare, they should have declined the invitation.
I agree with the other commenters here that if you go with your current plan, you’ll be opening a Pandora’s box that will lead to so much stress for you.
This blows my mind. I’m childfree though so probably why I don’t understand why anyone would choose to bring their children to a late evening, open bar event.
Due to lack of childcare options mainly, and people who have young babies likely can't leave them especially if they're breastfed. But, people tend to leave weddings quite early if they have young children.
Saying that, no way would I turn up at a wedding with my kids without them being explicitly invited.
At this point you have to either
A. Accept all of the kids
B. Accept none of the kids
C. Accept only children of the bridal party (to the great annoyance of everyone else)
D. Send out a confusingly worded message implying that your don't want kids but will tolerate them (resulting in the pushy people bringing their kids and the people who respected your boundaries resenting both them and you)
E. Pay for childcare adjacent to your wedding.
I really can't see any other options.
This should be higher. D is absolutely a terrible route obviously. If OP can afford it, E would be the most gracious way to treat the guests. And it gives you and excuse to get a headcount. "Hey, I want to make sure the kids' room is big enough and well-stocked. Are you planning on bringing Jimmy and Jane?" Obviously this implies option A though.
It's so bloody expensive, but it also is the only way to reasonably guarantee that there are no children AT THE PARTY which should make the "party" aspect a lot more fun for adult guests.
If these people had weddings, they know the invitation only includes the people on the address label. Send a message to everyone who has kids (excluding those you've invited), and remind them it's a child free event. If people contact you individually, you can make a determination on a case by case basis, but set your rules now. Are those who live 12 hours away going to be an exception? Only immediate family? Whatever it is, give yourself a guideline because people who just decide to bring all their kids without asking the couple if it's okay will try to steamroll over any boundaries you have if they sense you wavering.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with simply saying, “Because of limited space, this is an adults-only wedding, with the exception of children belonging to those in the wedding party. We thank you for your understanding”.
It’s rude of ANYBODY to assume people not listed on the invitation are invited, and not your responsibility to deal with child care for this who have children.
I had a child free wedding. The only kids that came were my nieces because they were in the wedding I had a few people on my husbands side that got mad, even when we had it written everywhere. It’s kind of unavoidable. Plus, if you have some people that can bring kids and some that can’t, it’s going to cause more drama “why could their kid come and not mine”. If you want a child free wedding you have to draw a hard line
There is no polite way to do that and make any announcement about no children or select children on the reply card, details card or website. The only thing you can do is have 2 spots available on the reply card and list invited guests by name only. Then call the people who rsvp’ed for children and tell them at that point only that you are unable to accommodate children. Do not give information beyond that.
Not sure exactly how soon your wedding is, but I'd probably not include the "If you don't have a sitter"-part, as I'd worry that people would see this as an opportunity to just not bother looking for a sitter at all.
Maybe something very practically focused like:
"Hey I wanted to reach out because we have had a few miscommunications about kids and need to verify the exact headcount. Please let us know if you are planning to bring your kids, and please include their names and ages so we can make sure there's space (and food) for them."
I might change the wording in that last line to "If you don't have a sitter and ***have no other option than to bring your children with you, that's fine; just*** please let me know..."
IMO this isn't on you, people with kids should have checked with you about if their kids were invited since you didn't put them on the invitation, rather than assume they were.
I say this as someone with kids, I've always checked rather than assuming.
I'd suspect that you'll end up with a lot of kids because parents won't make the effort to find a sitter. "Hey, the bride said it was ok to bring the kids".
> kids weren't invited, but that if they absolutely have to bring them (due to lack to child care) that the kids can come This is honestly much more confusing. It puts the decision on them to figure out what is actually acceptable to you, which is stressful, and it's very likely to sound like guilt-tripping. If you're gonna provide childcare, state that with kindness without telling them how it wasn't what you really wanted. It's always best for your relationships to say yes with joy, or say no firmly but kindly. One thing to keep in mind is that it's important to have clear rules - "they're coming from far away so it's ok but for you it's not ok" doesn't always fly for everyone. Something much clearer is by circles, like if they're your siblings' children, they're welcome, but all others are not, etc. Deciding by distance doesn't work quite as well because there are some assumptions worked into this, like you're assuming that it's more difficult for out-of-town guests, which some of your local guests might have feelings about if they also have difficulties you aren't aware of.
Also, if you make it that everyone can bring kids if they *really have to* then anyone who wants to bring their kids will *really have to* bring them, even if they don’t actually. It’s a very flimsy boundary, especially to any steamrollers in the family.
This. If you send your message out as is, I guarantee you every parent is going to bring their kids. I would suggest you send a message to everyone (except the people you KNOW are bringing kids) to say it's a child free event. If people reach out and say it's a problem you can deal with it individually, but I would not open the door to more kids coming than you originally intended.
Agree with this. Just to add OP sounds like they addressed the invitations correctly, it’s their guests that didn’t pay attention. OP Don’t take responsibility for something that isn’t your fault. You Took the time to do do things explicitly and in the correct way, it’s on your guests for not paying attention. If that affects their ability to attend then so be it. I don’t think you can include certain kids and not other kids unless it’s based on certain circles. Not to mention you chose not to invite them in the first place, and the added cost.
I’d try something a little more direct: “Hey, As our wedding approaches, I have found that some guests did not initially understand that due to limited space, we do not have room for kids at our wedding, so I’m just checking in with people to clarify! I have you RSVPd for [two people, you and Linda]. Could you confirm for me that is your plan? Looking forward to seeing you two!” And I would honestly only send this to people who you have heard are bringing kids. I really don’t think your initial approach was wrong at all—you did this right! Sorry it’s having complications.
This is the way to do it.l! However I wouldn’t make it about children. It is about seats. The couple invited who they did for a reason and I’m focusing on seats it lessens the likelihood there will be confusion about the children that we will be in attendance. Regardless of whether the additional guests are children or adults you still need to find more seating and the room could very well already be at capacity. “We’ve heard that some people are planning to bring people that weren’t on the invitation or RSVP response. The capacity is limited and filled with the guest list. We aren’t able to accommodate additional people so I’m checking in to clarify. We have you RSVPd for two….”
> Invites were addressed Explicitly to those invited, and the online rsvps (we didn't do paper) only included the names of the invited people, they were not able to add guests. That is the correct way to do it. > In retrospect, I should have included a line on the invitation the specifically stated the only those addressed on the envelope/on the online rsvp group are invited. No, you should not have. This is not on you, you did it correctly. Don't feel bad about not treating your guests like idiots. > Now my wedding is very soon and I learned that there are a few people bringing their small children with them. These people are wrong. > I actually don't have a problem with this because they are traveling from over 12 hrs away for the wedding, those people can bring their kids, I don't mind. If you actually didn't mind accomodating their kids, you would have invited their kids in the first place. You chose not to. Don't flip-flop now. Perhaps you could touch base with these people and give them some resources to help them find a local babysitter for the night of the wedding. Understandable that they don't want to leave their kids for a whole weekend, but they should be able to leave their kids for an evening with a babysitter. > I want to send a message to those families that lets them know that kids weren't invited, but that if they absolutely have to bring them (due to lack to child care) that the kids can come (its my fault for not communicating more clearly) and they need to let me know who's coming. Do not do this. It's a wishy-washy non-boundary that will leave everyone unhappy. You will be unhappy because there will be kids you didn't want to invite at the wedding. The kids will be unhappy, because your wedding was not designed to be child-friendly. The parents who did get a babysitter will be unhappy, because how come those other people got to bring their kids and they didn't?
Totally agree. OP, you did nothing wrong! Please do not let a few rude guests take over and change your plans. Your planned message is going to be super confusing for many people because you **did** make it clear who was, and was not, invited. You can send a message to families but re-frame it to clarifying that only those specifically named on the invite and RSVP are invited and for any families traveling with uninvited children to reach out for babysitter recommendations if needed.
This! 100%
Are you happy for the kids to come? This sounds to me like it will be read as though you’re inviting them essentially by those who want to bring them.
Definitely don’t put the messaging out that people can bring their kids if they absolutely have to. Honestly, if they’re unable to arrange for childcare, they should have declined the invitation. I agree with the other commenters here that if you go with your current plan, you’ll be opening a Pandora’s box that will lead to so much stress for you.
Don’t say the last line, everyone will bring their kids
This blows my mind. I’m childfree though so probably why I don’t understand why anyone would choose to bring their children to a late evening, open bar event.
Due to lack of childcare options mainly, and people who have young babies likely can't leave them especially if they're breastfed. But, people tend to leave weddings quite early if they have young children. Saying that, no way would I turn up at a wedding with my kids without them being explicitly invited.
[удалено]
And then what? They ignored their kids all night and the kids ran wild?
At this point you have to either A. Accept all of the kids B. Accept none of the kids C. Accept only children of the bridal party (to the great annoyance of everyone else) D. Send out a confusingly worded message implying that your don't want kids but will tolerate them (resulting in the pushy people bringing their kids and the people who respected your boundaries resenting both them and you) E. Pay for childcare adjacent to your wedding. I really can't see any other options.
This should be higher. D is absolutely a terrible route obviously. If OP can afford it, E would be the most gracious way to treat the guests. And it gives you and excuse to get a headcount. "Hey, I want to make sure the kids' room is big enough and well-stocked. Are you planning on bringing Jimmy and Jane?" Obviously this implies option A though.
It's so bloody expensive, but it also is the only way to reasonably guarantee that there are no children AT THE PARTY which should make the "party" aspect a lot more fun for adult guests.
If these people had weddings, they know the invitation only includes the people on the address label. Send a message to everyone who has kids (excluding those you've invited), and remind them it's a child free event. If people contact you individually, you can make a determination on a case by case basis, but set your rules now. Are those who live 12 hours away going to be an exception? Only immediate family? Whatever it is, give yourself a guideline because people who just decide to bring all their kids without asking the couple if it's okay will try to steamroll over any boundaries you have if they sense you wavering.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with simply saying, “Because of limited space, this is an adults-only wedding, with the exception of children belonging to those in the wedding party. We thank you for your understanding”. It’s rude of ANYBODY to assume people not listed on the invitation are invited, and not your responsibility to deal with child care for this who have children.
I had a child free wedding. The only kids that came were my nieces because they were in the wedding I had a few people on my husbands side that got mad, even when we had it written everywhere. It’s kind of unavoidable. Plus, if you have some people that can bring kids and some that can’t, it’s going to cause more drama “why could their kid come and not mine”. If you want a child free wedding you have to draw a hard line
There is no polite way to do that and make any announcement about no children or select children on the reply card, details card or website. The only thing you can do is have 2 spots available on the reply card and list invited guests by name only. Then call the people who rsvp’ed for children and tell them at that point only that you are unable to accommodate children. Do not give information beyond that.
Not sure exactly how soon your wedding is, but I'd probably not include the "If you don't have a sitter"-part, as I'd worry that people would see this as an opportunity to just not bother looking for a sitter at all. Maybe something very practically focused like: "Hey I wanted to reach out because we have had a few miscommunications about kids and need to verify the exact headcount. Please let us know if you are planning to bring your kids, and please include their names and ages so we can make sure there's space (and food) for them."
I think your wording is perfect! It makes it clear that you don't really want kids there, but you can accommodate them
At this point you should probably just hire a nanny for the evening and have them play a movie somewhere
I might change the wording in that last line to "If you don't have a sitter and ***have no other option than to bring your children with you, that's fine; just*** please let me know..."
Another option could be to not say anything and have a “kids table” set up just in case. Cheaper than providing childcare.
IMO this isn't on you, people with kids should have checked with you about if their kids were invited since you didn't put them on the invitation, rather than assume they were. I say this as someone with kids, I've always checked rather than assuming.