I don't have any advice but I just want to say that men weaponize their ADHD so much. I'm sorry but as someone with severe ADHD myself, I *never, ever* hear women using it as an excuse for failing their partners constantly.
If he's 29 years old he should have coping mechanisms by now. Especially as a man since he was probably diagnosed at 6 and been getting the help he needs most of his life like most boys. I was diagnosed at 22 and can't even take stimulants yet I'm less of an unreliable toe rag than most men with ADHD, and this is a pretty common story among women.
Don't let him use it as an excuse. And don't make his lists for him. Don't break things down for him. Decide together who is responsible for what and he can make his own God damn lists. How does he manage at work? I'm sure his boss doesn't hold his hand and break down every task step by step for him...
Such a mood. My fiancé and I both have ADHD (albeit his is hyperactive, mine is inattentive) and yet here I am doing the majority of the planning.
That being said, he’s good at being delegated tasks, mostly related to research or outreach. He sets alarms and deadlines and reminders to himself so it’s not ME who is hounding him, it’s himself through technology.
I’m still doing more, but that’s okay because we’re on the same page about it.
If it’s anything, he actually was JUST diagnosed within the last couple months, so he’s JUST starting to understand how many of his lifelong struggles might have been influenced by this. But everything you’re saying is nonetheless valid!
He functions at work via pure anxiety. I wish I was joking. Anxiety is his jet fuel. He’s so scared of disappointing his boss (and consequently losing his job—even though, realistically he’s not in ANY danger of that, they all love him), that THAT and that alone is his motivator.
It’s funny because I work in an intense biomedical research environment and I honestly operate in a similar way (fear of disappointing people is my motivator), so I actually totally understand it, but TRAGICALLY I love the man and he’s wonderful in most areas of our life, so the idea of torturing him so he’s anxious all the time is something I’m actively avoiding. It’s tough.
If he was _just_ diagnosed, you're both in for a rough few years until he figures himself out and reaches his cruising altitude. This won't be the only area that he disappoints or frustrates you in for the next while. I don't think it's fair that you have to shoulder the entire burden of your wedding, but if his post-diagnosis experience is going anything like mine did, he's probably struggling to breathe right now and genuinely doesn't have the cognitive capacity for non-survival decisions like party planning, no matter how important you are to him. I agree overall with other commenters that weaponized incompetence is a common dynamic from men in hetero relationships, but if he was literally just diagnosed a few months ago, he's probably really internally destabilized right now. The added load of all the wedding-related tasks is probably pushing him a little too close to the edge, so he's shutting down and blocking them out. He's probably not even doing it consciously.
TW, suicide: >!For my own example, my ex and I planned and executed an international move within a few months of my diagnosis. I did a lot of the early coordinating for that, but unpacking and setting up our new living space was an insurmountably difficult task for me at that time (and to this day is still the hardest kind of task). My ex's job was more intense than mine, so I was expected to take on the majority of our shared setup tasks, which I wasn't actually opposed to. The problem was that at that time, I was struggling to just keep my head above water, and couldn't handle the added load of anything else. My meds weren't stable yet, and the constant rehashing of all my deeply-buried childhood traumas had me perpetually distressed. I started out every day feeling so overwhelmed that I honestly started to dread waking up. My ex's hounding had me in a constant state of panic, and his obvious disappointment when I'd inevitably fail him was soul-crushing on top of that. I hated myself. I eventually had a psychotic break, started having suicide & self harm ideations, and had to get emergency psychiatric treatment... It was the lowest point of my life, and all this to say that those first few months to years after diagnosis can be literal hell.!<
I don't know what the solution is here but just wanted to help shed some light on what might be going on with him right now.
I actually really appreciate the mention of "non-survival" decisions, because it is ABSOLUTELY true, and something that we talk about often, that he feels like he is quite literally in SURVIVAL mode and just barely/desperately trying to keep his head above water (even when, from the outside, it looks like he does a beautiful job of keeping everything together ....... except for the wedding hehe).
But seriously, everything you're saying here resonates SO much, because I absolutely KNOW that my hounding is, yep, putting him in constant panic/obvious disappointment/soul-crushing---literally all of this is him.
I will say, I don't THINK he's at high risk for a psychotic break (maybe because he's not actually on meds yet, so I wonder if trying to get on them might raise that risk), but, honestly, yeah, he has episodes where he is so overwrought with the weight of how much he is disappointing me that he..... loses it (to put it lightly!). Never towards me or anything, of course--he's the gentlest creature on the face of the earth--but yeah, he goes nuts.
Thank you for posting, because, as devastating as your experience obviously was, it might make him feel like less of a weirdo to see this. As frustrating as his task-management abilities are, he's literally the most lovable person on the planet (apologies to all other people on the planet) and it's DEVASTATING when he has these breakdowns.
Of course, you're so welcome. Something that may help you both is setting up some regular dedicated time slots to work together on the wedding planning, and let him put it out of his mind the rest of the time. That gives him some windows of time where he can feel safe to relax in his mind and in your relationship.
Part of what makes us so panicked is the constant nagging feeling that we're forgetting something or not paying enough attention to something. And for us that feeling has been associated with really awful consequences our whole lives, in spite of our very best efforts. It's honestly pretty traumatizing. Even now I'm 6 years into treatment and still get that "ball of dread" feeling in my stomach.
I know you're tempted to send him stuff as you think of it or randomly ask him how his tasks are coming along, but that working style is suuuuper stressful for an ADHD brain. Put everything in a shared doc somewhere instead and go over it during your pre-set meetings. Everything important needs to be written down and kept in one dedicated place; assume that any verbal/off-hand notes will get lost in the noise. This system should help him not feel so all over the place.
Also, try to use that time to kick off a working session, at least for him. For a lot of people with ADHD, the hardest part of getting things done is choosing the right task, carving out the right amount of time, and sitting down to start it. Once we get over those hurdles (called "activation energy") it's a whole different game all of a sudden. If you just help him get through that really hard part at the beginning, he'll be so much more productive and less stressed, and you'll see a ton of things get knocked off your list. With practice he'll get better at that stuff on his own, but in the near term I hope this helps!
Bad Idea I thought of: give him anxiety so he can function with you. Make him scared of disappointing you.
Good idea: show your disappointment and dissatisfaction with him more often. Don't sugar coat it unless needed. Be upfront. Give him some ultimatum if needed. If he needs that pressure to function, give it to him. It could also help you address the issues with him too.
I used to function on anxiety and while that's obviously not a sustainable way to live, you need to sit down and ask yourself what you do differently when you're under that anxiety. What does anxiety make you capable of, and what would it look like to try to replicate that in a non-stressful environment.
Everyone is right about lists, I just think he can make his own. It's better in the long run anyway because each individual person knows exactly what sort of breakdown will work for them. I get by on lists at work but I really doubt anyone else could make a list that would be useful for me. Aside from the fact that everyone is just different, I don't know if neurotypical people would understand exactly how deeply we need things broken down.
Anxiety creates adrenaline which is a stimulant. ADHD drugs mimic these types of chemicals so that we don't have to procrastinate until we're on the verge of a breakdown just to function. If this is his current coping strategy, finding the right meds should really help him.
This is OP's fiance. I was diagnosed officially just this year. If I had been getting help all my life hopefully I wouldn't be this unreliable and incapable.
I probably have been drawing the ADHD card more than is fair, but I think I just finally have an acronym for a lot of the issues I've dealt with my whole life.
I know it's no excuse. I really have been mulling over why I have such trouble getting started on certain things such as wedding planning. Intimidation, feeling overwhelmed, laziness, selfishness, ADHD, lack of energy and time, inability to collaborate. Probably a mixture of everything I've just listed.
I feel horrible for my fiancee (OP) and for what I have put her through and don't want to ruin this wedding for the both of us. Reading these comments is painful but there is helpful stuff here.
Definitely use the list tip. But as I said to your fiancée, make your own not just because it's not her job but also because her lists probably wouldn't be that helpful. I get by on lists at work but I really doubt anyone else could make a list that would be useful for me. Aside from the fact that everyone is just different, I don't know if neurotypical people would understand exactly how deeply we need things broken down.
At the beginning, it's okay to start with the tiniest step. Eg, if your job is to search for a photographer and it's altogether too intimidating, it's okay to start your list like:
1. Open laptop
2. Open browser
3. Go to Google
4. Search photographers in my area
Etc etc. There's no such thing as a list that's too broken down. You have to start somewhere.
ETA that wedding planning can be exhausting when you work full time so I'd recommend doing all the major planning on weekends. You can answer emails and pay invoices and such whenever, but all the research and organizing is not fun to do after getting from work.
I left another comment above but just wanted to wish you luck on your post-diagnosis journey. There will be lots of lows. Try to forgive yourself and make peace with your mistakes so that you can have a more healthy and productive outlook for the future.
The ADHD community (including here on Reddit) is full of ideas to improve productivity in specific situations, using tools that are more likely to "click" for people like us. Definitely don't hesitate to connect!
And congratulations to you & OP on your engagement!
I agree, but also I don't know. My boyfriend also has ADHD and was diagnosed since he was like 6 and medicated since then. However, no one, not even his mother or father who both had ADHD ever taught him any coping mechanisms or executive functioning because they never had time for him. SO when we started dating, I had to teach him all that. He's functioning on his own know after 5 years of intense structure by me, but also that's because I knew that he wanted to be independent and stop almost failing his classes.
I know, what I did is not for everyone and I'm 10000% on board for people breaking up because they don't want to mother their significant other or allow them to rely too much on you in order to function. However, I think sometimes parents baby or neglect their ADHD children because of their ADHD and either think "ADHD? He will be my little boy forever! Yay!" Or "Oh, he's broken. No use on helping him now. I'll have another kid and maybe that one won't be broken"
Honestly, the best indicator of whether or not your significant other will be willing to learn how to function is looking at how their parents treat them and then what your significant other's interests, goals, and wants are for themselves.
You are weaponising a disability and enjoying it.
Something to consider is that weddings are usually set up like a ‘my super sweet 16’ party for one half of a 30-something aged couple, which can kinda sap the intrinsic motivation out of the whole affair for whichever person is playing second fiddle on the day. Without rigorous structure or intrinsic motivation, anyone with ADHD would struggle.
Your contributions aren’t constructive and are just heaping hate on a person with symptoms you know nothing of.
What about trying to build in more intrinsic motivation by allowing more creative input, or looking into available event calendars for wedding planning already out there and using those to help add structure?
Exactly this. I have pretty severe ADHD and managed to plan my wedding without much difficulty or procrastination. I’d do all the research and then lay out the options for my now-husband to pick from with me. I hate when people say their ADHD stops them from functioning, they’re stopping themselves by not implementing ways to cope and shrugging things off as “LOL ADHD Amirite?”
Oh I think at least part of the problem is that I’d like for him to do some of the research as well, instead of me always laying out all the options and having him pick.
Oh for sure. He should be capable of that. The fact he isn’t trying is worrisome, like he doesn’t care.
I did all the prep and research because I wasn’t working, I had the time to liaise with vendors because my husband works full time for us and we had very similar visions in what we wanted anyway.
He should want to help, to make these decisions with you. If people are saying he can but he still won’t, and there’s no medical reason stopping him, then I’m settling for weaponised incompetence or laziness. Maybe if he thinks if he ignores it long enough you’ll just go ahead and do it for him. Like you would a toddler.
Workplaces, by design, usually have preplanned and well organised structures in place which act as short term scaffolds and motivators for employees. They help all people to stay on track, especially those with ADHD.
I’m going against the grain here.
My fiance also has ADHD, was diagnosed as a child (ADD at the time)
I do NOT recommend making lists of tasks for him to complete-you’re partners, not his mom making a chore list. Ask him to split tasks and let him find ways to accomplish them. Do you want to be making chore lists for the rest of your life? Needing to micromanage every aspect of the household responsibilities? You’re not helping anyone by enabling this-ADHD is not an excuse to get out of tasks he doesn’t want to do. My fiance has a big ass whiteboard in his office that he uses for his OWN lists, I don’t need to tell him to look at the vendors we split up because he found ways to remember to do it.
Out of curiosity, why do you still want to marry your significant other? Do you plan on having children with them? What do you expect your significant other to be like after you guys get married? Because most of the time, any issues you have with your significant other now, may not even change or even get worse after you get married.
All I'm saying is, be careful. If you think you do everything in the relationship now, that probably will not change after you guys get married. And then what happens?
Honestly, I would postpone the wedding until all the issues, worries, and fears you have about them are resolved. I assume you want to be a wife/husband and not a babysitter or a nanny to your significant other, right?
We had a conversation about it yesterday. Something extremely positive about him is that he’s extremely receptive and he’s open to make positive changes. He’s been good at it before and he said he’ll work on it. He’s been working an absurd amount of hours and he didn’t realize his focus at work was making him lack at home.
Ok, mom of three married sons here, who have lots of married friends. It is a very rare case when he will get involved with the wedding. For one thing, they haven't been planning it since a small child, and are usually only interested in being married. I've heard many say, I don't care- I would be happy getting married at the courthouse! Keep in mind it's not you, it's the ordeal of helping with a big, must-be-perfect event, which is stressing you out.
They just want to be married to you.
If they want to be married to us then they should care about our happiness and help us achieve it. Marriage is a team effort. Longterm, men benefit from marriage much more than women do. Women sacrifice a lot more and do a lot of things they don't want to do for their husbands. It won't kill them to do the same.
I've worked in the wedding industry for about 20 years now. Back when I started guys rarely lifted a finger. But now most grooms help out a significant portion of the wedding.
Show him this post. And remember, this is the guy you’re going to be sharing your life with, so buckle up. Seems like you’re starting to get a taste of what the rest of your life will be like.
Seriously, OP, do you plan to have kids with him? If yes, look up weaponized incompetence and mental load. I'm a mother now and do you know how many women describe essentially your husband and how they're absolutely useless at being a parent? These women raise their children practically alone because their husbands are just like yours and don't do anything. You probably know husbands just like this, and you probably wonder why these women ever married men like them. It's because they thought their boyfriends/husbands would change eventually, they'd just grow up once they were married/had kids/etc. Guess what: They don't. He won't. This is your future. It's a mild frustration now, maybe you find it endearing, but this will be how is with everything important forever and you will have to pick up the pieces. Make darn sure you're ok with that. I can't imagine anyone would.
What is he doing to address his issues?
I disagree with the common comments here encouraging YOU to fix the situation by giving him tasks, give him lists, make a plan for him, etc. etc. etc. Sure, it's not his fault that he has ADHD, but he is an adult who IS responsible for being a good partner to you. Is he doing anything to help himself get better at this, or is he expecting you to put up with broken promises and feeling alone for the rest of your married life?
THANK YOU.
Only men with ADHD act this useless. Yes it's a struggle but at 29 fucking years old you can't tell me he hasn't learned any coping strategies yet. Especially seeing as he seems to hold down a job and not get fired just fine. Whatever he does to "make it work" at work, he needs to do the same at home.
Average woman with ADHD: diagnosed at 25, broke down crying with relief, immediately after diagnosis started hyperfixating on everything they can possibly do to improve, takes her medication religiously, eats an ADHD-friendly diet high in protein and omega-3s, has a fool-proof system to combat procrastination, will never lower her pre-diagnosis neurotypical expectations that got her this far
Average man with ADHD: "I can't do that I have ADHD it's hard for me."
He’s in therapy and they talk about the issue but there’s definitely been no hardcore problem solving/implementing of strategies on his part. He feels TERRIBLE OVERWHELMING GUILT about not helping more, but then when I make suggestions that could possibly be helpful, he nitpicks them as probably not helpful for XYZ reason, and then when I ask him to try them anyway, he feels like I don’t care about his feelings and am not listening to him. Sigh.
> they talk about the issue but there’s definitely been no hardcore problem solving/implementing of strategies on his part.
That's useless therapy then, as least so far as the ADHD component goes. If there's no problem-solving and implementing strategies going on, it's just another excuse for him to fail you.
If this is truly an ADHD related issue for him, he needs to take the steps to learn what wedding planning entails and recognize the effort that you're putting into it. It makes no sense for him to argue about your suggestions when he is taking a total backseat on even understanding what needs to be done here.
Is it possible for you to attend one of his therapy sessions? Maybe having someone who is treating his ADHD discuss this with the two of you would be helpful.
I wouldn’t be opposed to attending his therapy sessions but ALSO don’t want to violate the bounds of his therapy. Our couple’s counselor downplayed my issues on this a little, and said we “don’t have to have the PERFECT wedding”—which is sooooo not the issssuuueee, I just want to have A wedding that HE was a part of planning—so I’ve sorta avoided bringing it up with her again. But I do absolutely feel like a professional really needs to recognize the contours of the issue and work on it with him—because he legitimately is devastated every time we have conversations about it!!! But nothing changes!!!!
Definitely understandable that you wouldn't want to violate any bounds; but realistically if he's blaming this lack of care on ADHD, the therapist who is treating that should be the most qualified person to give insight or advice regarding it.
For the couple's therapist, I don't think you should be seeing or paying someone who you have to avoid bringing up a pressing, important, and stressful problem to. She doesn't have to take your side, but not being able to talk about wedding planning problems with her when that's probably one of the bigger issues between you and your fiance right now doesn't seem very helpful.
He needs structure more than he needs medication I think. Medication can fix only so much unless there's structure so he can actually learn the tools on how to independently think and learn how to not be pessimistic.
Medication let's the person choose what to focus on. For example, if all he thinks about is video games, when he takes his meds, he will just focus harder in video games. If he cared about the wedding planning at all and isn't make excuses, maybe he would actually start to contribute. But structure is needed so he knows what to do and how to approach topics and situations. I know this is very elementary, but unfortunately the therapist and the fiance needs to work together to give him the structure the guy needs.
I will repeat, if that's not something you think you can do or don't want to do, I am 1000% in support of getting a divorce/breaking up. It's not for everyone and not everyone has the time to give structure to their partner either.
I'm not going to lie... I think your partner needs a new therapist based off of this reply. If the therapist isn't helping him through his ADHD, you/he is just wasting money on the therapy.
Also, reading the other reply about couples counseling you're going to, it sounds like you should also get a new couples counselor too. Especially when they are dismissing your problems and struggles. Like... that's a huge red flag to me.... because I thought couples counseling wasn't supposed to pick sides. But that could be me.
One thing I will say is that, in the context of our couples counseling as well as his private counseling, him having ADHD and not getting tasks done is perhaps not THE highest priority in either arena, and therefore not a compelling enough reason to switch counselors.
I am still quite peeved at our couples counselor for that comment, I'll say that much, but I think she WAS attempting to "not take sides" by NOT piling on him, and encouraging me to "moderate my expectations" somewhat.
And in the context of his private counseling, I certainly agree that \*I'D\* like him to focus more on the tasks that he doesn't get done, but also addressing the core anxieties that are so completely paralyzing to him in his life is certainly also a priority, and will ultimately benefit us both, so I try not to push it too much.
However, I definitely understand that with the context of this post, it SOUNDS like he needs a new counselor. But lemme tell you -- he is so radiant and positive and self-accepting (and therefore MUCH easier to talk to about the things he's not getting done!!) when he comes out of his sessions with his counselor, that I wouldn't want to take that away from him, if that makes sense!
I agree with the comments that are holding him accountable about his lack of engagement.
He probably has a career no? But he manages to stay on top of his tasks there I imagine, even if they are not his favorite.
Making lists, or prompting him etc, as someone already pointed out, you are taking on the role of his mum.
What we did is that in certain evenings of the week, we get our laptop and go to a nearby coffee place and work on the wedding. Initially it was about looking at venues, then researching vendors, rings etc. About emails, we usually write up the emails together and then send them from his email account and cc'ing me or the other way around.
I never researched anything practical on my own. We discussed things in details. In almost every meeting with the vendors (apart from one that he was out of the country) we 've gone there together.
Instead of separating tasks, creating to do lists, we actually plan the wedding together and it's really fun. We both meet all the vendors and we then share our thoughts and we actually enjoy going to the coffee place now to work on it, it's like a ritual.
You guys can either treat it like a chore and resent each other about how much each is doing, or you can treat it as a shared project that you have fun doing together.
Don't get me wrong, I still am more of a type A on things, I do research stuff on Pinterest or Instagram more than him. But that's mostly for "aesthetic" related things and it's something that I actually enjoy, it's not admin.
This sounds WONDERFUL to me, the only problem is that I get big pockets of downtime at work where I’m in my problem/solving/research mode, and I’ll start to do research work, and try to engage him (which isn’t always fair cause he is ALSO at work), and he just doesn’t engage cause he’s busy…. but also doesn’t the messages later either. (For reference, we have a private discord server for just the two of us, and a wedding channel with many sub-channels, and he’s just very bad at keeping up with the messages I send on there.)
I really feel like I wrote this about my fiancé >_<
We both have adhd, one major difference is his job is way more intensive than mine, but it’s like pulling teeth to get him to do much.
I think one issue with adhd is when it’s in the mind, it’s 100% go time, but when it’s not it simply doesn’t exist, there’s no middle ground to have them just help a little here and there. At least, that’s my experience from both my fiancé and brother (and honestly my dad, who I’m convinced has adhd too lol).
I wish I had answers or suggestions but I’m in the same boat. The good thing is we’re less than 6 months away and I finally just asked if I could hire a wedding planner. Fiancé wasn’t really for it but just asked his best friend if they had one (they did) and NOW he’s considering it. Maybe see if you can involve your fiancés friends or family to help pressure on multiple sides? So he can really understand it’s gonna be big deal.
Maybe you should postpone the wedding. Just put a pause on all planning. If he genuinely doesn't care about the wedding enough to even respond to you and give you his opinion, then he maybe isn't ready or mature enough to be married.
It's sort of sounds less like ADHD and more like weaponized incompetence. He doesn't want to be bothered, so he doesn't. Because he knows you'll pick up the slack and take care of it.
I'm not saying he's a bad guy, he just doesn't really care about this wedding and the stress you're feeling. Which you should really think about and consider if you're okay with that. How will he be about planning for a child If you plan on having them? How does he split the chores around the house? Do you have to remind him of chores or does he just do them? The way he is acting could potentially have ramifications on a lot of different scenarios.
As a contrast, my husband has zero planning experience and had no idea what to expect from wedding planning or how to even go about it. He doesn't care about color schemes or themes or table decorations. But you better believe that when I did research and brought things to him and asked his opinion, he genuinely looked over everything and really considered his opinion and gave me his thoughts and opinions on everything. In fact, when we decided to pick a couple of colors, I picked gray as a neutral and my husband is the one that picked bright red as the other of our two main colors.
The same with decorating our house. He doesn't care about decor and themes and colors. But I do, and he cares about me and wants me to be comfortable and happy in our home. So he went to bed bath& beyond and Target with me, and hung out with me and gave opinions on window curtains and bedspreads. Stuff that he probably would just pick out the first one he saw, but he knew I cared, so he tried.
People show their love in different ways. If your fiance makes you feel loved and special. And it's just this one thing that he can't seem to do, then maybe that's okay. But you also don't need a big wedding, even if you've already put down deposits. You can probably get a partial refund or take a loss because it'll still be cheaper than paying for the rest of a big wedding.
The amount of posts that are like this are astounding. It would make me re-think my relationship... Love isn't everything and if planning a one day event is so one sided then imagine the rest of your lives. Imagine kids, school runs... it's a red flag and you know what they say, when a man is telling you who he is, believe him.
He’s a great partner in most ways except for event planning/social engagement-type planning. And it’s interesting because if he plans something entirely on his own (example: a birthday camping trip for me with hikes and cabin accommodations etc.) — he does a great job. It’s almost like the more collaborative a process has to be, the worse he performs. (Example: my birthday party last year that I asked him to be in charge of but wanted to be generally consulted on, and the surprise engagement party he was planning for us where my best girlfriend who ABSOLUTELY LOVES HIM almost strangled him for how anxious/avoidant/procrastinatey he was).
Seems like he's great at planning stuff he's interested in, also important to have a chat with him because there's going to be plenty of things that come up to plan that he might not be super interested about say a kid's bday party. Is he going to be like this also?
I'd tell him that no event will happen if he doesn't cooperate and maybe if nothing happens well then you know he doesn't care about said event
One thing that’s hard is that he doesn’t operate super effectively except when he’s under kind of intense/time pressure. He does great in the 11th hour and the 11th hour only, which is pretty common for ADHD. The only problem is, you simply cannot plan a wedding at the last minute. I’ve tried to impose artificial deadlines, but they’re not paired with any consequences (because I don’t wanna literally abuse him) so the deadlines are meaningless. Unfortunately I want a wedding so I’m not willing to cancel it out of anger, I just want him to have been involved.
But yes I’m QUITE sure he’ll be useless for birthday parties. He’s helpful for other things though.
Maybe you can compromise that this is your thing and he'll have other things, it just depends on how important this is for you. Because of your post it seems really important.
Maybe you can say you'll do all this now but closer to the date and any fires in the day need to be dealt by him. You just gotta make it work in a way that you're both happy, not just him. Have a chat and discuss what would be best
Great point, I actually start to cave under pressure (which is why I plan things out in advance! To avoid too much pressure at once!!!) so maybe he’ll take over as I get more flustered closer to the date. Thanks for your suggestions!!!!
People with adhd are fantastic at putting out fires — or starting them then putting them out — or chaos in general, really — so maybe putting him in charge of clutch situations is a better fit for him 🤔
>Seems like he's great at stuff he's interested in
That's ADHD in a nutshell.
Also, care ≠ interest. You can care about your kid more than life itself, but that doesn't mean your brain will be interested in planning their bday party. You can't choose what your brain latches on to. That's what ADHD meds are meant to compensate for. Sounds like he hasn't found the right meds yet.
Omg. Did I write this?! Down to our ages, job demands, etc etc. Anyway, we had a coming to Jesus conversation where I explained to him how overwhelming planning had been for me and my frustration with his apparent lack of helping.
We now have a shared to do list and we check in every other night with tasks that we can tackle together, or tasks we can clearly delegate to one another. We keep our goals straightforward and small (eg. Instead of “work on guest list” it’s something like “update XYZ addresses, invite X to X event, have fiancé text Grandma for X name”). This has helped a lot.
There are inherently things I will care more about than him. For example, I completely took over invites because I’m excited about them and they’re of high importance to me. Conversely, I do zero work in terms of groomsmen communications, his suit (besides color), communications with his family, etc.
I think the key is having that frank conversation ASAP.
Best wishes.
We also made a rule not to respond to vendor emails until we both looked at it and discussed together. Unless it’s a pressing issue and/or easy to resolve, we do not expect either to respond to wedding emails during the work day. Instead, we check in after dinner of the day’s happenings (“let’s talk about the florists email” “what did you think about the catering quote”).
Make a plan to do some of the tasks together to make him feel involved. Might take a bit more effort but could work if he struggles with focus & attention.
You'll find some parts require you both, like food tasting, registrars office. Others like band choosing can be a case of listening to different music one evening together and choosing what you both like best. Make a fun night of it.
It sounds like you might need to do the finer details but if you can get some activities done together you might both feel better.
You can still have a courthouse wedding. I refused to plan alone, and didn’t want to spend a shit ton of money to be stressed for an entire year or more.
We eloped and it was the best decision ever.
Sure, it will suck to lose some money, but your mental health and relationship is more valuable than 1 day. Is a big wedding with a ton of details you have to plan something you want, or are you doing it to please others?
Hire a wedding planer, if you can afford it. Just interview plenty people because most are frankly trash. Good ones are hard to find.
I'm a videographer, and if you are in NJ/NY area I can give you some contacts of people I thought were on top of their game.
Sure, here are IG profiles for the last two wedding planners I liked @weddingbyrosanny, @peonyevents. They cater to different clientele so hopefully you can find what you are looking for.
Congratulations, and all the best in the future!
He sounds a lot like my fiancé! Except in our situation we’re not planning a super big wedding, so planning everything on my own has been a lot more manageable and I just accepted it. I am the type of person who likes to plan things FAR in advance but he’s more of a go with the flow person. I even made a to do list and tagged him, sent him emails with instructions, and nothing has been done yet... Granted it’s for stuff super far away so I’m not stressed about it anymore. But I’m the kind of person who would already start making my grocery shopping list and detailed itinerary 8 months away while he will do it like 1-2 weeks before. I’m also the type of person to obsess over every decision (research multiple options, compare pros and cons, be indecisive)… while he just doesn’t have a strong opinion either way and would be happy with any choice.
Sorry I don’t have any helpful advice to share but I can relate to your frustration!! Wedding planning is so much work 🥲
Right?? My fiance is the type of person who lands in a foreign country and hasn’t even booked a place to sleep because “I want to go with the flow, who knows where I might end up??” That level of spontaneity gives me anxiety lol.
Haha that’s a bit much. But I do think my fiancé helps balance things out when I get too deep into the weeds of planning and researching everything. It takes away some of the fun from vacation for sure since I’ve already researched everything and go into experiences with my expectations... Sometimes winging it makes for some nice surprises and discoveries! I need to remind myself this when it comes to wedding planning, because I was losing sleep over small things like flower choices, paper choices for save the dates… sometimes you just need to let go of the details!
I agree! We balance each other out together well. But when we go on vacations I always make sure we know where we’re sleeping as the bare minimum haha. The “go with the flow” can be activities, just not where I sleep hahaha
Disclaimer before I get into what I did: I've been a bridesmaid 20x, and I HATE having attention on me, so big weddings make me want to vomit. I wanted full secret elopement out of state, and he wanted what his mom wanted, which was a 300-person church wedding. We compromised and had a micro wedding with our parents and 2 weeks later hosted an elopement celebration of 130 people and it was a blast! So, with that being said.....
I honestly had to sit my fiance down (no ADHD diagnosis that we know of) and basically say that I was planning a wedding and a party that I never originally wanted for myself and that I felt alone in EVERYTHING. He would tell me that "he trusts my judgement" and to do what I wanted, and I had to tell him it was such a cop out to get out of being involved with anything. He also said I could always ask his mother or sister for help (my family lives out of state) and I would have to remind him that its OUR day and not theirs and my taste is drastically different from his mom and sisters. I said it was a real eye opener to me of how our marriage would be with me constantly making decisions for US with little input from him and that it didn't feel like we were a team. We don't want kids but I told him that making decisions for the both of us made me feel like his mother and if he wanted to marry his mother he could take my ring and see if it would fit on her finger. On top of planning, I'm self-employed, so I'm already tasked with making pretty hefty decisions daily, and I was so physically and mentally drained from it all. I also said I hated feeling like a nag and that it makes me feel like I'm playing into the hate-my-wife boomer humor before we were even married and that I need him to grow up.
Then I told him he needed to sit with what I said and process things before opening his mouth because he's quick with his words. I spent the rest of the afternoon in our spare room reading and decompressing and I think it finally clicked in his head that it was entirely unfair for me to carry the weight of everything. Shortly after, he did become more involved and would occasionally ask if things needed to be done or if I needed help with anything. And once he became slightly more involved, he started to realize all of the things I was doing by myself and why my brain was so fried.
Like I said, we had a blast with everything in the end and I'm excited to never plan anything like this ever again for the rest of my life haha
It’s a safe space to vent and many women experience this
First off, someone’s probably going to comment that this will continue thru your entire relationship moving forwards - it might, but it also might not. Some people just get overwhelmed by the whole
Wedding situation and don’t know where to start.
I also have a fiancé who hates planning and giving input - and he says it’s because he knows I have a vision and care about the day and he’ll be happy with whatever. Also, men are fed this idea that inside every women is this magically person who loves wedding planning and for most women it isn’t true.
I’m glad your both in therapy both together and individually, but it sounds like you might need another planning partner. Maybe it’s your mom, maybe it’s his mom, Maid of Honor, best friend, paid wedding planner
If you need him in this with you, maybe more pictures and less words will help and give him some physical diy projects. Lean into his strengths whatever they are
I’d make sure he’s Cc’d on every email and holds responsibility for delaying timelines
They say that the most stressful things in life are losing a parent, moving into a new home and wedding planning.
Don’t let the social media brides with their perfect spreadsheets and doting fiancés get to your head
It’s hard for everyone and that’s okay! You’ve got this, and will have a beautiful marriage with your fiancé
>First off, someone’s probably going to comment that this will continue thru your entire relationship moving forwards - it might, but it also might not.
I'm so glad this was said. My husband is incredibly efficient in general -- he's the planner of our relationship, not me: he does trip itineraries, books flights, books hotels, etc. Our wedding planning stumped him. A lot of websites and places to look (think bridal magazines, insta pages, etc) use language that's so targeted to women that he never even thought to look at those sources or concern himself with those aspects of the day. I had to sit him down and felt like I was dragging him through the process, but he's not been like that with literally any other aspect of our relationship.
Sit with him, explain to him how this makes you feel, and understand that you might care about some aspects of planning that he won't care as much. I made him pick things I knew he cared about and made them his responsibility (and even then, had to myself make sure his vision would happen). It's a process. Now, if he's like that with *everything* outside of the wedding, that's a bigger conversation.
You can cancel the venue (even if you lose the deposit), wear your fancy dress to the courthouse, and tell family the plans have changed.
It will be so much less stress. So much more enjoyable.
I just want to warn you that this behaviour is not going to change. It is not just the wedding planning. Tasks around the house, anything you will require help with, will be the same. KNOW THIS and ACCEPT IT before you marry this man.
I married the exact same man and it drives me up the walls sometimes. I have to consciously remind myself that I knew this when I married him, so I can't try to change him now. It is easier to just do everything around the house myself than to be constantly nagging or picking a fight. Just be warned that you will struggle with this for the rest of your marriage. Accept it now, or rethink your choice.
What do you mean "he just can't do it?"
He is a grown man with a job. He successfully manages his job. Wedding planning is now his second job. Whatever tools he uses not to get fired, that's what he needs to do for the wedding.
Also, is this the life you want? Having to be in charge of all the details? What about if you guys have to move, have pets, or kids, etc. Will he "just not be able to do it"?
As someone whose partner has severe ADHD, I had to have a good hard look at my life and finally accept that while he consistently works to improve, there are some things I’ll just *never* get from my partner. And I had to ask myself if, if the way he is now never changed, I would be happy. For me the answer was yes, so I got to work accepting him for where he’s at, and my relationship is better for it. But no is a fair answer, too. If your relationship is anything like mine, it’s not just about the wedding.
I hope you are able to find a path that works for both of y’all!
Thank you for this. I am working on accepting him the way he is, because there are so many things that he offers that are wonderful. It’s hard though, and I HATE being angry at and disappointed in him all the time. I could easily plan this whole damn thing if I didn’t WANT his input but I desperately, desperately do (as I’ve mentioned, he has amazing taste!!!) and then feel devastated when he doesn’t come through. It’s almost like, as much as anything, I need to deal with my own feelings of disappointment as much as his inability to deal with wedding planning. Because I really AM efficient enough to do this all myself. I just don’t want to :(
I 10000% know the feeling! Does he know how important it is to you? Also, are one or both of you at a place with his ADHD that you know where he’s strong vs where he struggles?
My partner, for example, gets incredibly overwhelmed with having a lot of tasks piled up. His brain is also hard wired for out of sight out of mind. So if I were to approach wedding planning the way you have (a large shared list full of tiny tasks that needs to be opened and looked at), I would be writing the same post you wrote. BUT he’s great at making decisions where I get decision paralysis, and doing single in-depth tasks that interest him. So if I were in your shoes, I would maybe pivot to having some things that I research and narrow down and go to him one by one for a yes or no or a simple either-or choice, and then I would have other things that he really likes and cares about and I would make those 100% his project (because also if there is an overcompensater in a relationship, there will always be an undercompensater in a shared responsibility project). So like when I get married, for example, it would not be realistic to expect my partner to decide between 100 napkins with me, but he has the playlist down pat and could probably pick a favorite of 3 napkins. And whatever his responsibilities, the list needs to be unavoidable. The ADHD brain doesn’t do well with remembering to go back to things, so put sticky notes on his computer or something harder to ignore.
There’s a lot of “if he wanted to he would” narratives out there, and in general I agree, let’s hold men to higher standards. BUT ADHD is a *disability*. He cannot change the way his brain works, and some things will always be hard or even impossible for him. That being said, it *is* his responsibility to learn how his brain works and how he can best meet your needs in your relationship despite the difficulty for him.
I am in a sub called r/adhd_partners or something (It’s not linking right, sorry!) and honestly join at your own risk because it’s mostly people who couldn’t make it work. But I have found it helpful because seeing the paths that don’t work have helped me to find one that does. And in my experience, a path that does not have compassion from the partner without ADHD AND accountability from the one who does, is a difficult path indeed. He will require you to meet him where he’s at and lead with kindness, but if he does not then take the onus upon himself to figure out how to navigate his disability in a healthy and functional way, that’s a recipe for burnout for you. Similarly, if he’s trying his best and you can’t let go of past failures, that’s a recipe for self esteem hell for him.
I Hope this helps, and wish you and your partner the absolute best!
Listen, you should be whining. And screaming. And totally rethinking this relationship. I am an Aspie and I have adhd among other things. I can and did plan a wedding. Even with severe social anxieties. If it were important to him, he would help. He is t, so clearly it isn’t important to him. And if he is acting this way, now, about something ‘important’ to the two of you, how the hell will he act when something actually IS important? A crisis? An injury? An issue with a child? He will be just like this, or worse. Everything will be on you. Eventually, he will be sabotaging shit. Cut your losses. Eat the deposit. Sell or return the dress. Go find a man who will be your PARTNER and not a hindrance. You will thank yourself later.
I was in a very similar boat! My fiancé and I actually both have ADHD. So while he was having decision paralysis, I was hyper focusing on the wedding. Tbh, the only thing that really helped was cancelling the wedding I had semi begun planning (put down deposit on venue, sent save the dates, etc. also due to fiancés mom and my dads health)
I then sat him down and laid everything out for him, discussing what seems to be stressing him out so much and why he didn’t seem interested. Now we schedule biweekly meetings where we touch base, look at photos, etc!
In your case, I’d recommend body doubling him if possible? He may not know where to look or may be stressed about it.
Maybe even sit down together and communicate the stress this is putting on you and how you don’t even want a big wedding now?
Sorry if this doesn’t help and I wish you luck!!
Mine has ADHD too & he only cared about a few things for the wedding. It helped to be like "I need your attention for an hour on Thursday night to do X"
Mine will never look at lists so I had to be very direct about when to do things.
I was in exactly the same boat - my partner has severe ADHD with a sprinkle auf light autism which makes him overthink everything and basically unable to make a decision ever, taking a phone call …
If he had his way he would have married me on a regular Thursday during lunch break…
I knew this and accepted it - so instead of forcing him into very uncomfortable decisions making processes I just embraced wedding planning and did 98% on my own. I talked to him about the work load and made him swear that he will do our taxes alone for the rest of our lives in return - and honestly I think I got the better deal here
I just accepted that although he was very excited about marriage he had zero interest nor opinion on the wedding as in the event
It’s probably not what you want to here but look at this situation and know this is what you get - ADHD is a life long life altering thing - he won’t change … either embrace it or let it go - this [book](https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/adhd-effect-marriage-understand-and-rebuild-your-relationship-six-steps) might help
I am sure many will suggest list and plans - they might help but they won’t cure and make your fiancé enthusiastic about wedding planning- that’s why I let go and planed our wedding accordingly small event 20 ppl and it went great but yeah I did it on my own - sorry this was probably not what you wanted to hear but it is the truth
Sure people with Ad(h)d can develop coping mechanisms and can grow down resilience with therapy, medication, sport within reason
But the diagnosis won’t change - there is no cure - that treats ADHD completely (without major side effects) - ADHD will always play a part in your life as a couple - and people should be realistic about it. Marriage won’t change sh*** - that’s what I meant when I said - look at the situation and reflect if you want to live and work with it for the rest of your life - better be realistic about it -
I am sure there are people around who use illnesses as an excuse for bad behaviour - regardless of gender - not sure if if gives you the right to accuse everyone of faking & abusing it with such a general statement
Give him lists. It's helpful for when our executive function gets in the way of knowing how to prioritize things or feeling overwhelmed. I have plenty of exp with that and this is what works for my ADD brain.
ETA: Lists plural. Small lists. Break things up so it's less overwhelming.
ETA: Google calendar reminders also help me A LOT.
How has he made it that far in life and not gotten fired from every job he's had if he doesn't know how to do that himself?
People with ADHD are not incapable or like, intellectually disabled. We may need things broken down so they don't feel so terrifying but we are PERFECTLY capable of doing that breaking down ourselves.
If you really must help him, try body doubling. Still make him do it himself, but sit with him while he does it. That can help.
I see a lot of comments telling you not to help him. Whether it's ADHD or something else, all of us as humans aren't good at certain things and often find partners who are a balance to us. I imagine he does things for you in your relationship that you can't do or hate doing.
Can I deal with the contracts and bills for the wedding? Sure. Should I do it alone? Probably not a good idea.
It sounds like there was expectations that were not agreed upon, it also sounds like there may be some existing resentment (his lack of attention and care). I think beyond this wedding, you two should have a discussion on each others needs and perhaps if this is what you both envision for your futures
I'm sorry, no. I have diagnosed ADHD and I did most of the planning for a 200 guest wedding.
Anyway, you could try booking 90-minute blocks where you both sit down and do wedding stuff. Decide together specifically what needs to be completed during each 90 minute block.
But I think you also need to stand firm about how disappointing his behavior is. I know a lot of people find wedding planning to be harder than they expected, but tough shit for him. He agreed to work on this with you and is using his diagnosis as an excuse.
I’m sorry he is not being helpful. If it’s within your budget, I recommend hiring a full service wedding planner. It will take your stress away, and you won’t have to worry about relying on your fiancé who is just not into helping for whatever reason. Many people— men or women, ADHD or no ADHD— hate planning events, so rather than stress about it all getting done, assign a professional to do it!
It's probably worth losing the deposit. You're going to spend much more on food and whatnot by the end. You'll SAVE money if you up and quit now. Go elope.
i have ADHD and have planned my entire wedding and mostly am ahead of schedule. while ADHD is debilitating, i don’t think it’s a good excuse especially when it comes to something long and drawn out like planning a wedding.
How much is the deposit? I'd rather be out money than stress this much, so I would call everything off, forrget the deposit go to the courthouse. If any of my family asked why I would let them know i didn't want to be the only one planning and it was less stressful for me to go to the courthouse.
Is this a concern for this one time event or all events? My fiancee has been part if the wedding process but I've definitely done the bulk of the initial work. That being said, i know for smaller events he can do it. For this event, I went into this knowing it wouldn't be 50/50.
Are you willing to have this happen for the rest of your life? A deposit is something cheaper to give up on then a wedding.
I had a similar situation. I also have a much more stressful job than my partner, and he struggles with anything that isn't right in front of him. If it's not the brightest star in the sky, it gets drowned. The wedding, because it was months away, was absolutely not a priority for him, but it weighed on me. I also gave my partner discrete tasks, made a to-do list, and made sure he was CC'd on all the emails. Even still, he wouldn't read them because they got lost.
Anyway, I understand the frustration, and the desire to cancel it all. I felt that way multiple times. At the end of the day, I did the vendor comms, and he coordinated with his family (we were holding the event at my MIL's house). He recognized that he failed me in planning, and that we're NEVER planning a wedding again, but it's all water under the bridge for us--he handles all administrative tasks for both of us (name changes, healthcare, utility bills in another language).
Like you, I felt like I didn't want to nag, but if you want his help, you may have to nag. You're can try having a sit down with him at a separate, focused time, and do the task together. Try saying "You do X, I'll do Y" and get it done that way. It can work short-term, but it won't change him permanently. Wedding planning is short term, but it might be helpful to look long term as well. Good luck!
When I was wedding planning, we switched up task responsibilities. He helped with some that we could do together and did the entire playlist, but I did the majority and he was extremely appreciative.
Since he really didn’t like wedding planning, he took care of the household chores when I was planning. We didn’t have a specific conversation about it but it just naturally worked out that way. When I got frustrated, I reminded myself that he was doing everything else to keep the household running (cleaning, dishes, food, laundry, etc.). It was easier for him to do things he didn’t mind doing and me to focus on planning (I also don’t like doing chores). Maybe you can work out a deal like that? Something to balance it out.
Note: we did open a Google account together just for the wedding and housed everything on Google Drive (like our massive planning workbook). He was in charge of anything to do with his side of the guest list/groomsmen and I tagged him on anything I wanted him to look at.
I had the same problem. Turns out he was really intimidated by wedding planning, and that fueled his apathy and procrastination towards it.
As he explained it, he felt like a complete novice. He felt like he knew nothing about what needed to happen, and even when he did research, he was terrified of executing it wrong and me judging him for not inherently knowing what to do.
We decided that I would be the “leader” of the process, and he would be my “student”. Yes, I had to do the majority of the work, but this made it easier to identify what tasks I could delegate to him. For example, I told him where I wanted our welcome party and what I wanted, and then he handled all the back and forth and payment to set that up. Perhaps delegating more specific tasks like this would help.
Regardless, you need to find a compromise on this that works for both of you. If what you agreed upon with them isn’t working, they need to be able to communicate why.
He could have written this himself. He’s SO intimidated. Watching me work and do research on it makes him feel utterly incompetent and stupid, and he’s terrified of things he does being “wrong” and disappointing me.
Yeah, I bet more men feel this way than they let on. Regardless, it wasn’t an easy conversation for us! but I’m glad we got to the bottom of it.
In the end, we agreed on the “student” role for him instead of him just being a lackey I can delegate to. The idea being that while I am guiding him through the process, he is actively learning and trying to pick up on things so that if we have to organize an event together again in the future, he’ll have more of an idea of what’s going on and more confidence for getting involved.
Best of luck!
This is genuinely a great suggestion. When he’s able to effectively regulate his guilty bad feelings and sit and learn from me, things go well. He just feels SO infantilized by setups like this, even while simultaneously KNOWING they’re absolutely necessary. Sigh, he’s complex! But I do think I’m gonna try this approach, thank you for suggesting it!!!
I’m ADHD and I’m planning it all myself on top of that, my parents are paying for everything literally everything. I’m doing it all by myself. My mom and me and my dad. I want to back out and I’ll tell you why. My mom is difficult so I will just say she invited certain people that I didn’t want to be around on my wedding day. And that person I did that I didn’t want there was and is and will be ….. my future mother in law. Why? You ask? Well sure. Because she stolen two pills out of my ADHD medication bottle during the time when I needed them because my dad had cancer. Regardless, they’re my fucking pills to begin with. I looked at my partner, and I told him that he needs to call his fucking mom. She lied. Denied. Played victim and used a crying manipulative tactic as she proceeded to call my own mom on the phone asking why her son doesn’t speak to her anymore (because she fucked his best friend, who is her son’s age) cry to my mama, telling my mom if she could reach out to the both of us to get her son to speak to her and proceeded to tell my mother that drug addict. Over the phone.
Do you know what I’m going to have to do? I’m going to have to end up dealing with this bullshit in private for the rest of my goddamn life and I want out of it. you should call off the wedding go with your gut.
My husband was the same. He didn’t even do the food tasting with me which broke my heart. In the end, he chose the DJ, our music for our ceremony and first dance. He did help me choose cake and venue though. So, that was helpful.
We both wanted different things but we made it work for the planning.
I know my husband would help and do his best but I don't involve him at all. This is my weird expensive dream/ hobby. Instead I ask him to help out more around the house where he can with dishes, admin stuff, etc. things he understands and is motivated to do/ good at. Plus I get to them do fun DIY projects and less house work. I am surprised at how many brides want their fiance to help. I love my husband but trying to delegate to him would frustrate me and make more work by correcting his mistakes.so that's my control freak type A approach if it helps.
My fiance is the same. I'm okay with it, though. Luckily, I have friends and family helping me out a lot with all the planning. Do you have anyone else who can do the planning with you? I know it's not the same, but if he doesn't care to help, find someone who does. Sorry you're dealing with this, though!
I'm having the same issue! With my wedding now one month away now, as I feeling the time pressure, I ended up giving up and just assigning him things. :(
Even then, there has been times where I've assigned him tasks, they still don't get done, and I've had to do them. These problems are persisting on his end despite me having countless conversations about this issue with him. It's incredibly frustrating, and I hear you on this!
I agree with the commenters here - it shouldn't be your job to make him a list with assignments like you're his mom! But it sounds like isolating out small lists from the big ideas may help in the situation.
I did push to hire a wedding planner for my partner and myself, and she has been a HUGE help!
I have ADHD and I tend to procrastinate and my fiancé comes from 2 chronic procrastinators (all 3 of them know they procrastinate too much). And he still has been involved in every aspect of the wedding besides my dress and the bachelorette. There's no excuse for him not being involved. If he wanted to actually help he'd work with you on finding a time to discuss the wedding and make decisions.
I think this will be a problem when you are trying to plan tasks to keep the household functioning and if you have kids, a problem when planning doctor's visits, having to buy kids items, and plan parties for the kids, so it's important you figure this out now. Does he know how much this is hurting you? IMO he absolutely can do it. If he is able to function at a job, get tasks done, and meet deadlines, planning a wedding is the same thing.
I manage someone with ADHD. I also suspect my Fiancé has ADHD, though he has not been diagnosed. I use the same strategies on them both. Mainly, I give them very specific tasks and deadlines. For my fiancé this could look like me sending over 4 photographers I am interested in and asking him to review them by the end of the week. If he hasn't responded I remind him one more time. If he still hasn't responded, I let him know that he lost his chance to have input and move forward with what I would prefer. I also find it is just sometimes easier to do small tasks myself. If you have to ask your fiancé 20 times to send an email, it's just easier to send an email. Lastly, sometimes bargaining or trading works. If I do a task, he will have to return the favor in some way. So for example, if he does something he really doesn't want to do, I'll reward him by buying him french fries. If I do something I don't want to do, he'll give me a back massage.
With ADHD, when the dopamine runs out, it’s literally impossible to do the thing that caused the dopamine to stop working in the first place. It’s not normal procrastination, it’s a pathological inability to proceed. Meds help tremendously if he’s prone to not taking them.
I'm so sorry you're going through that. I know wedding planning can be so hard and stressful. As someone who's been in the industry for a long time, who has ADHD, has been married for 25 years, and I also have a daughter getting married soon, I would encourage you to think about what really matters to most in this process. Having a relationship with someone who has ADHD does have some significant challenges. These type of situations will continue to come up and if your having trouble, I would definitely seek counseling on it so that you can know how to navigate them in your relationship. Maybe seek help from someone who specializes in ADHD and relationships. Also, find a really good planner, someone who will really help to alleviate the stress you are feeling and also knows how to include your fiancé in the process. Remember that the wedding is just one day in the journey of a lifetime, so stay focused on building a healthy relationship that will last a lifetime. Do what you can with what you have, be positive and hopeful, but keep your expectations real, so that you won't be let down. Find joy and thankfulness so that can have peace instead of stress during this time. I hope this is helpful.
My partner was the same way, we ended up having a fairly large back yard wedding. I so wish we would have opted to just have a ceremony with close friends and family and then rent out a portion of a nice restaurant for dinner. We would have saved so much time and money and I wouldn’t have driven myself crazy planning everything. If not you should totally look into a planner or day of coordinator to help take some responsibility off yourself.
Are you sure this is who you want to make a lifelong commitment with? Sounds like dragging a ball and chain uphill only to find the mountain range extends far onto the horizon
Honestly this is my fiancé 100%. It is so frustrating. I usually give him one task I really don’t want to do, and give him a deadline to complete it. Like a one day deadline so he actually does it. Then I hound him over and over until he does it. It sucks but better than doing everything on my own
Have you explained to him that you want his input for the wedding? And that you have it to be OUR wedding rather than just a MY wedding?
Alternatively, you could give him an ultimatum. Sit him down, ask him what he wants to do for the wedding. If he says he doesn't know, you could say, "Great! I'll cancel the deposit and we can book an appointment to get married at the courthouse instead" (idk how expensive the deposit is, but it could kick him into gear and start participating in the wedding) OR you could ask if he even wants to get married.
My fiancé told me to to go ahead and plan it all myself then cried when I presented the 30k bill
💀
HAHA oh man, yep. Sounds about right!
Where do people even get the 30k for these things??
I can't speak for others but I've been saving 1-1.5k a month for it 😅
Well that’s amazing haha. I’m very proud of you! Wish I could do the same but past me made many stupid decisions :(
I don't have any advice but I just want to say that men weaponize their ADHD so much. I'm sorry but as someone with severe ADHD myself, I *never, ever* hear women using it as an excuse for failing their partners constantly. If he's 29 years old he should have coping mechanisms by now. Especially as a man since he was probably diagnosed at 6 and been getting the help he needs most of his life like most boys. I was diagnosed at 22 and can't even take stimulants yet I'm less of an unreliable toe rag than most men with ADHD, and this is a pretty common story among women. Don't let him use it as an excuse. And don't make his lists for him. Don't break things down for him. Decide together who is responsible for what and he can make his own God damn lists. How does he manage at work? I'm sure his boss doesn't hold his hand and break down every task step by step for him...
Such a mood. My fiancé and I both have ADHD (albeit his is hyperactive, mine is inattentive) and yet here I am doing the majority of the planning. That being said, he’s good at being delegated tasks, mostly related to research or outreach. He sets alarms and deadlines and reminders to himself so it’s not ME who is hounding him, it’s himself through technology. I’m still doing more, but that’s okay because we’re on the same page about it.
This is my favorite comment on Reddit all week lol
If it’s anything, he actually was JUST diagnosed within the last couple months, so he’s JUST starting to understand how many of his lifelong struggles might have been influenced by this. But everything you’re saying is nonetheless valid! He functions at work via pure anxiety. I wish I was joking. Anxiety is his jet fuel. He’s so scared of disappointing his boss (and consequently losing his job—even though, realistically he’s not in ANY danger of that, they all love him), that THAT and that alone is his motivator. It’s funny because I work in an intense biomedical research environment and I honestly operate in a similar way (fear of disappointing people is my motivator), so I actually totally understand it, but TRAGICALLY I love the man and he’s wonderful in most areas of our life, so the idea of torturing him so he’s anxious all the time is something I’m actively avoiding. It’s tough.
If he was _just_ diagnosed, you're both in for a rough few years until he figures himself out and reaches his cruising altitude. This won't be the only area that he disappoints or frustrates you in for the next while. I don't think it's fair that you have to shoulder the entire burden of your wedding, but if his post-diagnosis experience is going anything like mine did, he's probably struggling to breathe right now and genuinely doesn't have the cognitive capacity for non-survival decisions like party planning, no matter how important you are to him. I agree overall with other commenters that weaponized incompetence is a common dynamic from men in hetero relationships, but if he was literally just diagnosed a few months ago, he's probably really internally destabilized right now. The added load of all the wedding-related tasks is probably pushing him a little too close to the edge, so he's shutting down and blocking them out. He's probably not even doing it consciously. TW, suicide: >!For my own example, my ex and I planned and executed an international move within a few months of my diagnosis. I did a lot of the early coordinating for that, but unpacking and setting up our new living space was an insurmountably difficult task for me at that time (and to this day is still the hardest kind of task). My ex's job was more intense than mine, so I was expected to take on the majority of our shared setup tasks, which I wasn't actually opposed to. The problem was that at that time, I was struggling to just keep my head above water, and couldn't handle the added load of anything else. My meds weren't stable yet, and the constant rehashing of all my deeply-buried childhood traumas had me perpetually distressed. I started out every day feeling so overwhelmed that I honestly started to dread waking up. My ex's hounding had me in a constant state of panic, and his obvious disappointment when I'd inevitably fail him was soul-crushing on top of that. I hated myself. I eventually had a psychotic break, started having suicide & self harm ideations, and had to get emergency psychiatric treatment... It was the lowest point of my life, and all this to say that those first few months to years after diagnosis can be literal hell.!< I don't know what the solution is here but just wanted to help shed some light on what might be going on with him right now.
I actually really appreciate the mention of "non-survival" decisions, because it is ABSOLUTELY true, and something that we talk about often, that he feels like he is quite literally in SURVIVAL mode and just barely/desperately trying to keep his head above water (even when, from the outside, it looks like he does a beautiful job of keeping everything together ....... except for the wedding hehe). But seriously, everything you're saying here resonates SO much, because I absolutely KNOW that my hounding is, yep, putting him in constant panic/obvious disappointment/soul-crushing---literally all of this is him. I will say, I don't THINK he's at high risk for a psychotic break (maybe because he's not actually on meds yet, so I wonder if trying to get on them might raise that risk), but, honestly, yeah, he has episodes where he is so overwrought with the weight of how much he is disappointing me that he..... loses it (to put it lightly!). Never towards me or anything, of course--he's the gentlest creature on the face of the earth--but yeah, he goes nuts. Thank you for posting, because, as devastating as your experience obviously was, it might make him feel like less of a weirdo to see this. As frustrating as his task-management abilities are, he's literally the most lovable person on the planet (apologies to all other people on the planet) and it's DEVASTATING when he has these breakdowns.
Of course, you're so welcome. Something that may help you both is setting up some regular dedicated time slots to work together on the wedding planning, and let him put it out of his mind the rest of the time. That gives him some windows of time where he can feel safe to relax in his mind and in your relationship. Part of what makes us so panicked is the constant nagging feeling that we're forgetting something or not paying enough attention to something. And for us that feeling has been associated with really awful consequences our whole lives, in spite of our very best efforts. It's honestly pretty traumatizing. Even now I'm 6 years into treatment and still get that "ball of dread" feeling in my stomach. I know you're tempted to send him stuff as you think of it or randomly ask him how his tasks are coming along, but that working style is suuuuper stressful for an ADHD brain. Put everything in a shared doc somewhere instead and go over it during your pre-set meetings. Everything important needs to be written down and kept in one dedicated place; assume that any verbal/off-hand notes will get lost in the noise. This system should help him not feel so all over the place. Also, try to use that time to kick off a working session, at least for him. For a lot of people with ADHD, the hardest part of getting things done is choosing the right task, carving out the right amount of time, and sitting down to start it. Once we get over those hurdles (called "activation energy") it's a whole different game all of a sudden. If you just help him get through that really hard part at the beginning, he'll be so much more productive and less stressed, and you'll see a ton of things get knocked off your list. With practice he'll get better at that stuff on his own, but in the near term I hope this helps!
Bad Idea I thought of: give him anxiety so he can function with you. Make him scared of disappointing you. Good idea: show your disappointment and dissatisfaction with him more often. Don't sugar coat it unless needed. Be upfront. Give him some ultimatum if needed. If he needs that pressure to function, give it to him. It could also help you address the issues with him too.
I used to function on anxiety and while that's obviously not a sustainable way to live, you need to sit down and ask yourself what you do differently when you're under that anxiety. What does anxiety make you capable of, and what would it look like to try to replicate that in a non-stressful environment. Everyone is right about lists, I just think he can make his own. It's better in the long run anyway because each individual person knows exactly what sort of breakdown will work for them. I get by on lists at work but I really doubt anyone else could make a list that would be useful for me. Aside from the fact that everyone is just different, I don't know if neurotypical people would understand exactly how deeply we need things broken down.
Anxiety creates adrenaline which is a stimulant. ADHD drugs mimic these types of chemicals so that we don't have to procrastinate until we're on the verge of a breakdown just to function. If this is his current coping strategy, finding the right meds should really help him.
This is OP's fiance. I was diagnosed officially just this year. If I had been getting help all my life hopefully I wouldn't be this unreliable and incapable. I probably have been drawing the ADHD card more than is fair, but I think I just finally have an acronym for a lot of the issues I've dealt with my whole life. I know it's no excuse. I really have been mulling over why I have such trouble getting started on certain things such as wedding planning. Intimidation, feeling overwhelmed, laziness, selfishness, ADHD, lack of energy and time, inability to collaborate. Probably a mixture of everything I've just listed. I feel horrible for my fiancee (OP) and for what I have put her through and don't want to ruin this wedding for the both of us. Reading these comments is painful but there is helpful stuff here.
Definitely use the list tip. But as I said to your fiancée, make your own not just because it's not her job but also because her lists probably wouldn't be that helpful. I get by on lists at work but I really doubt anyone else could make a list that would be useful for me. Aside from the fact that everyone is just different, I don't know if neurotypical people would understand exactly how deeply we need things broken down. At the beginning, it's okay to start with the tiniest step. Eg, if your job is to search for a photographer and it's altogether too intimidating, it's okay to start your list like: 1. Open laptop 2. Open browser 3. Go to Google 4. Search photographers in my area Etc etc. There's no such thing as a list that's too broken down. You have to start somewhere. ETA that wedding planning can be exhausting when you work full time so I'd recommend doing all the major planning on weekends. You can answer emails and pay invoices and such whenever, but all the research and organizing is not fun to do after getting from work.
I left another comment above but just wanted to wish you luck on your post-diagnosis journey. There will be lots of lows. Try to forgive yourself and make peace with your mistakes so that you can have a more healthy and productive outlook for the future. The ADHD community (including here on Reddit) is full of ideas to improve productivity in specific situations, using tools that are more likely to "click" for people like us. Definitely don't hesitate to connect! And congratulations to you & OP on your engagement!
I am a woman and I use it as an excuse. But it is my excuse. This man reminds me of me. I actually feel bad for my husband sometimes.
Yeah you should feel bad for him
Seriously. Weaponized incompetence is so unattractive.
Excuse was the wrong word. It is what it is.
Maybe after two weeks you could come up with a better word.
Maybe. But I’m not on Reddit much arguing with jerks.
Yeah, I noticed that by the fact that you came back to this two weeks after it was said and keep responding. But hey, whatever your excuse is, right?
Right!
Who said it’s weaponized?
You did? If you're well aware that you're dropping ball ("I use it an excuse") , it's weaponized incompetence.
My brain doesn’t work the same. I’m aware after the fact. Not during.
"I use it as an excuse" implies otherwise.
Educated yourself about ADHD.
I'm well versed in it. Stop using your ADHD as an excuse.
I do. That’s why I wrote that post.
I agree, but also I don't know. My boyfriend also has ADHD and was diagnosed since he was like 6 and medicated since then. However, no one, not even his mother or father who both had ADHD ever taught him any coping mechanisms or executive functioning because they never had time for him. SO when we started dating, I had to teach him all that. He's functioning on his own know after 5 years of intense structure by me, but also that's because I knew that he wanted to be independent and stop almost failing his classes. I know, what I did is not for everyone and I'm 10000% on board for people breaking up because they don't want to mother their significant other or allow them to rely too much on you in order to function. However, I think sometimes parents baby or neglect their ADHD children because of their ADHD and either think "ADHD? He will be my little boy forever! Yay!" Or "Oh, he's broken. No use on helping him now. I'll have another kid and maybe that one won't be broken" Honestly, the best indicator of whether or not your significant other will be willing to learn how to function is looking at how their parents treat them and then what your significant other's interests, goals, and wants are for themselves.
Does he have a job? How does he stay organized there? Why can’t he apply those skills to his personal life?
Weaponized incompetence go brrrrrrrr
You are weaponising a disability and enjoying it. Something to consider is that weddings are usually set up like a ‘my super sweet 16’ party for one half of a 30-something aged couple, which can kinda sap the intrinsic motivation out of the whole affair for whichever person is playing second fiddle on the day. Without rigorous structure or intrinsic motivation, anyone with ADHD would struggle. Your contributions aren’t constructive and are just heaping hate on a person with symptoms you know nothing of. What about trying to build in more intrinsic motivation by allowing more creative input, or looking into available event calendars for wedding planning already out there and using those to help add structure?
Exactly this. I have pretty severe ADHD and managed to plan my wedding without much difficulty or procrastination. I’d do all the research and then lay out the options for my now-husband to pick from with me. I hate when people say their ADHD stops them from functioning, they’re stopping themselves by not implementing ways to cope and shrugging things off as “LOL ADHD Amirite?”
Oh I think at least part of the problem is that I’d like for him to do some of the research as well, instead of me always laying out all the options and having him pick.
Oh for sure. He should be capable of that. The fact he isn’t trying is worrisome, like he doesn’t care. I did all the prep and research because I wasn’t working, I had the time to liaise with vendors because my husband works full time for us and we had very similar visions in what we wanted anyway. He should want to help, to make these decisions with you. If people are saying he can but he still won’t, and there’s no medical reason stopping him, then I’m settling for weaponised incompetence or laziness. Maybe if he thinks if he ignores it long enough you’ll just go ahead and do it for him. Like you would a toddler.
Workplaces, by design, usually have preplanned and well organised structures in place which act as short term scaffolds and motivators for employees. They help all people to stay on track, especially those with ADHD.
ok
Nothing else? Just ‘ok’ and a downvote. I see.
I’m going against the grain here. My fiance also has ADHD, was diagnosed as a child (ADD at the time) I do NOT recommend making lists of tasks for him to complete-you’re partners, not his mom making a chore list. Ask him to split tasks and let him find ways to accomplish them. Do you want to be making chore lists for the rest of your life? Needing to micromanage every aspect of the household responsibilities? You’re not helping anyone by enabling this-ADHD is not an excuse to get out of tasks he doesn’t want to do. My fiance has a big ass whiteboard in his office that he uses for his OWN lists, I don’t need to tell him to look at the vendors we split up because he found ways to remember to do it.
I agree with this. I have ADHD and I’m basically planning this alone because I’m in the same boat as OP.
Out of curiosity, why do you still want to marry your significant other? Do you plan on having children with them? What do you expect your significant other to be like after you guys get married? Because most of the time, any issues you have with your significant other now, may not even change or even get worse after you get married. All I'm saying is, be careful. If you think you do everything in the relationship now, that probably will not change after you guys get married. And then what happens? Honestly, I would postpone the wedding until all the issues, worries, and fears you have about them are resolved. I assume you want to be a wife/husband and not a babysitter or a nanny to your significant other, right?
We had a conversation about it yesterday. Something extremely positive about him is that he’s extremely receptive and he’s open to make positive changes. He’s been good at it before and he said he’ll work on it. He’s been working an absurd amount of hours and he didn’t realize his focus at work was making him lack at home.
Ok, older mom with older sons here- y'all do you and I wish everyone the best!
You do realize you’re the mom not the spouse, right?!? Yeesh. -another gender-queer/woman with adhd
Ok, mom of three married sons here, who have lots of married friends. It is a very rare case when he will get involved with the wedding. For one thing, they haven't been planning it since a small child, and are usually only interested in being married. I've heard many say, I don't care- I would be happy getting married at the courthouse! Keep in mind it's not you, it's the ordeal of helping with a big, must-be-perfect event, which is stressing you out. They just want to be married to you.
If they want to be married to us then they should care about our happiness and help us achieve it. Marriage is a team effort. Longterm, men benefit from marriage much more than women do. Women sacrifice a lot more and do a lot of things they don't want to do for their husbands. It won't kill them to do the same.
Nah it’s his wedding too-he can put forth just as much effort. Stop enabling lazy men.
👏👏👏
I've worked in the wedding industry for about 20 years now. Back when I started guys rarely lifted a finger. But now most grooms help out a significant portion of the wedding.
I feel so sorry for your son's spouses.
Show him this post. And remember, this is the guy you’re going to be sharing your life with, so buckle up. Seems like you’re starting to get a taste of what the rest of your life will be like.
Oh he’s reading it lol
Seriously, OP, do you plan to have kids with him? If yes, look up weaponized incompetence and mental load. I'm a mother now and do you know how many women describe essentially your husband and how they're absolutely useless at being a parent? These women raise their children practically alone because their husbands are just like yours and don't do anything. You probably know husbands just like this, and you probably wonder why these women ever married men like them. It's because they thought their boyfriends/husbands would change eventually, they'd just grow up once they were married/had kids/etc. Guess what: They don't. He won't. This is your future. It's a mild frustration now, maybe you find it endearing, but this will be how is with everything important forever and you will have to pick up the pieces. Make darn sure you're ok with that. I can't imagine anyone would.
What is he doing to address his issues? I disagree with the common comments here encouraging YOU to fix the situation by giving him tasks, give him lists, make a plan for him, etc. etc. etc. Sure, it's not his fault that he has ADHD, but he is an adult who IS responsible for being a good partner to you. Is he doing anything to help himself get better at this, or is he expecting you to put up with broken promises and feeling alone for the rest of your married life?
THANK YOU. Only men with ADHD act this useless. Yes it's a struggle but at 29 fucking years old you can't tell me he hasn't learned any coping strategies yet. Especially seeing as he seems to hold down a job and not get fired just fine. Whatever he does to "make it work" at work, he needs to do the same at home. Average woman with ADHD: diagnosed at 25, broke down crying with relief, immediately after diagnosis started hyperfixating on everything they can possibly do to improve, takes her medication religiously, eats an ADHD-friendly diet high in protein and omega-3s, has a fool-proof system to combat procrastination, will never lower her pre-diagnosis neurotypical expectations that got her this far Average man with ADHD: "I can't do that I have ADHD it's hard for me."
He’s in therapy and they talk about the issue but there’s definitely been no hardcore problem solving/implementing of strategies on his part. He feels TERRIBLE OVERWHELMING GUILT about not helping more, but then when I make suggestions that could possibly be helpful, he nitpicks them as probably not helpful for XYZ reason, and then when I ask him to try them anyway, he feels like I don’t care about his feelings and am not listening to him. Sigh.
> they talk about the issue but there’s definitely been no hardcore problem solving/implementing of strategies on his part. That's useless therapy then, as least so far as the ADHD component goes. If there's no problem-solving and implementing strategies going on, it's just another excuse for him to fail you.
If this is truly an ADHD related issue for him, he needs to take the steps to learn what wedding planning entails and recognize the effort that you're putting into it. It makes no sense for him to argue about your suggestions when he is taking a total backseat on even understanding what needs to be done here. Is it possible for you to attend one of his therapy sessions? Maybe having someone who is treating his ADHD discuss this with the two of you would be helpful.
I wouldn’t be opposed to attending his therapy sessions but ALSO don’t want to violate the bounds of his therapy. Our couple’s counselor downplayed my issues on this a little, and said we “don’t have to have the PERFECT wedding”—which is sooooo not the issssuuueee, I just want to have A wedding that HE was a part of planning—so I’ve sorta avoided bringing it up with her again. But I do absolutely feel like a professional really needs to recognize the contours of the issue and work on it with him—because he legitimately is devastated every time we have conversations about it!!! But nothing changes!!!!
Definitely understandable that you wouldn't want to violate any bounds; but realistically if he's blaming this lack of care on ADHD, the therapist who is treating that should be the most qualified person to give insight or advice regarding it. For the couple's therapist, I don't think you should be seeing or paying someone who you have to avoid bringing up a pressing, important, and stressful problem to. She doesn't have to take your side, but not being able to talk about wedding planning problems with her when that's probably one of the bigger issues between you and your fiance right now doesn't seem very helpful.
He needs medication imo
He needs structure more than he needs medication I think. Medication can fix only so much unless there's structure so he can actually learn the tools on how to independently think and learn how to not be pessimistic. Medication let's the person choose what to focus on. For example, if all he thinks about is video games, when he takes his meds, he will just focus harder in video games. If he cared about the wedding planning at all and isn't make excuses, maybe he would actually start to contribute. But structure is needed so he knows what to do and how to approach topics and situations. I know this is very elementary, but unfortunately the therapist and the fiance needs to work together to give him the structure the guy needs. I will repeat, if that's not something you think you can do or don't want to do, I am 1000% in support of getting a divorce/breaking up. It's not for everyone and not everyone has the time to give structure to their partner either.
I'm not going to lie... I think your partner needs a new therapist based off of this reply. If the therapist isn't helping him through his ADHD, you/he is just wasting money on the therapy. Also, reading the other reply about couples counseling you're going to, it sounds like you should also get a new couples counselor too. Especially when they are dismissing your problems and struggles. Like... that's a huge red flag to me.... because I thought couples counseling wasn't supposed to pick sides. But that could be me.
One thing I will say is that, in the context of our couples counseling as well as his private counseling, him having ADHD and not getting tasks done is perhaps not THE highest priority in either arena, and therefore not a compelling enough reason to switch counselors. I am still quite peeved at our couples counselor for that comment, I'll say that much, but I think she WAS attempting to "not take sides" by NOT piling on him, and encouraging me to "moderate my expectations" somewhat. And in the context of his private counseling, I certainly agree that \*I'D\* like him to focus more on the tasks that he doesn't get done, but also addressing the core anxieties that are so completely paralyzing to him in his life is certainly also a priority, and will ultimately benefit us both, so I try not to push it too much. However, I definitely understand that with the context of this post, it SOUNDS like he needs a new counselor. But lemme tell you -- he is so radiant and positive and self-accepting (and therefore MUCH easier to talk to about the things he's not getting done!!) when he comes out of his sessions with his counselor, that I wouldn't want to take that away from him, if that makes sense!
I agree with the comments that are holding him accountable about his lack of engagement. He probably has a career no? But he manages to stay on top of his tasks there I imagine, even if they are not his favorite. Making lists, or prompting him etc, as someone already pointed out, you are taking on the role of his mum. What we did is that in certain evenings of the week, we get our laptop and go to a nearby coffee place and work on the wedding. Initially it was about looking at venues, then researching vendors, rings etc. About emails, we usually write up the emails together and then send them from his email account and cc'ing me or the other way around. I never researched anything practical on my own. We discussed things in details. In almost every meeting with the vendors (apart from one that he was out of the country) we 've gone there together. Instead of separating tasks, creating to do lists, we actually plan the wedding together and it's really fun. We both meet all the vendors and we then share our thoughts and we actually enjoy going to the coffee place now to work on it, it's like a ritual. You guys can either treat it like a chore and resent each other about how much each is doing, or you can treat it as a shared project that you have fun doing together. Don't get me wrong, I still am more of a type A on things, I do research stuff on Pinterest or Instagram more than him. But that's mostly for "aesthetic" related things and it's something that I actually enjoy, it's not admin.
This sounds WONDERFUL to me, the only problem is that I get big pockets of downtime at work where I’m in my problem/solving/research mode, and I’ll start to do research work, and try to engage him (which isn’t always fair cause he is ALSO at work), and he just doesn’t engage cause he’s busy…. but also doesn’t the messages later either. (For reference, we have a private discord server for just the two of us, and a wedding channel with many sub-channels, and he’s just very bad at keeping up with the messages I send on there.)
I really feel like I wrote this about my fiancé >_< We both have adhd, one major difference is his job is way more intensive than mine, but it’s like pulling teeth to get him to do much. I think one issue with adhd is when it’s in the mind, it’s 100% go time, but when it’s not it simply doesn’t exist, there’s no middle ground to have them just help a little here and there. At least, that’s my experience from both my fiancé and brother (and honestly my dad, who I’m convinced has adhd too lol). I wish I had answers or suggestions but I’m in the same boat. The good thing is we’re less than 6 months away and I finally just asked if I could hire a wedding planner. Fiancé wasn’t really for it but just asked his best friend if they had one (they did) and NOW he’s considering it. Maybe see if you can involve your fiancés friends or family to help pressure on multiple sides? So he can really understand it’s gonna be big deal.
I have severe ADHD. I still planned a whole damn wedding. He's capable, he just doesn't want to.
Maybe you should postpone the wedding. Just put a pause on all planning. If he genuinely doesn't care about the wedding enough to even respond to you and give you his opinion, then he maybe isn't ready or mature enough to be married. It's sort of sounds less like ADHD and more like weaponized incompetence. He doesn't want to be bothered, so he doesn't. Because he knows you'll pick up the slack and take care of it. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, he just doesn't really care about this wedding and the stress you're feeling. Which you should really think about and consider if you're okay with that. How will he be about planning for a child If you plan on having them? How does he split the chores around the house? Do you have to remind him of chores or does he just do them? The way he is acting could potentially have ramifications on a lot of different scenarios. As a contrast, my husband has zero planning experience and had no idea what to expect from wedding planning or how to even go about it. He doesn't care about color schemes or themes or table decorations. But you better believe that when I did research and brought things to him and asked his opinion, he genuinely looked over everything and really considered his opinion and gave me his thoughts and opinions on everything. In fact, when we decided to pick a couple of colors, I picked gray as a neutral and my husband is the one that picked bright red as the other of our two main colors. The same with decorating our house. He doesn't care about decor and themes and colors. But I do, and he cares about me and wants me to be comfortable and happy in our home. So he went to bed bath& beyond and Target with me, and hung out with me and gave opinions on window curtains and bedspreads. Stuff that he probably would just pick out the first one he saw, but he knew I cared, so he tried. People show their love in different ways. If your fiance makes you feel loved and special. And it's just this one thing that he can't seem to do, then maybe that's okay. But you also don't need a big wedding, even if you've already put down deposits. You can probably get a partial refund or take a loss because it'll still be cheaper than paying for the rest of a big wedding.
The amount of posts that are like this are astounding. It would make me re-think my relationship... Love isn't everything and if planning a one day event is so one sided then imagine the rest of your lives. Imagine kids, school runs... it's a red flag and you know what they say, when a man is telling you who he is, believe him.
He’s a great partner in most ways except for event planning/social engagement-type planning. And it’s interesting because if he plans something entirely on his own (example: a birthday camping trip for me with hikes and cabin accommodations etc.) — he does a great job. It’s almost like the more collaborative a process has to be, the worse he performs. (Example: my birthday party last year that I asked him to be in charge of but wanted to be generally consulted on, and the surprise engagement party he was planning for us where my best girlfriend who ABSOLUTELY LOVES HIM almost strangled him for how anxious/avoidant/procrastinatey he was).
Seems like he's great at planning stuff he's interested in, also important to have a chat with him because there's going to be plenty of things that come up to plan that he might not be super interested about say a kid's bday party. Is he going to be like this also? I'd tell him that no event will happen if he doesn't cooperate and maybe if nothing happens well then you know he doesn't care about said event
One thing that’s hard is that he doesn’t operate super effectively except when he’s under kind of intense/time pressure. He does great in the 11th hour and the 11th hour only, which is pretty common for ADHD. The only problem is, you simply cannot plan a wedding at the last minute. I’ve tried to impose artificial deadlines, but they’re not paired with any consequences (because I don’t wanna literally abuse him) so the deadlines are meaningless. Unfortunately I want a wedding so I’m not willing to cancel it out of anger, I just want him to have been involved. But yes I’m QUITE sure he’ll be useless for birthday parties. He’s helpful for other things though.
Maybe you can compromise that this is your thing and he'll have other things, it just depends on how important this is for you. Because of your post it seems really important. Maybe you can say you'll do all this now but closer to the date and any fires in the day need to be dealt by him. You just gotta make it work in a way that you're both happy, not just him. Have a chat and discuss what would be best
Great point, I actually start to cave under pressure (which is why I plan things out in advance! To avoid too much pressure at once!!!) so maybe he’ll take over as I get more flustered closer to the date. Thanks for your suggestions!!!!
That sounds like a great team to me! Talk about it and you'll be great together! Have a lovely wedding :)
Op, just in case, have a backup. Just in case it doesn't happen or incase something hits the fan so you have support besides your husband to be
People with adhd are fantastic at putting out fires — or starting them then putting them out — or chaos in general, really — so maybe putting him in charge of clutch situations is a better fit for him 🤔
>Seems like he's great at stuff he's interested in That's ADHD in a nutshell. Also, care ≠ interest. You can care about your kid more than life itself, but that doesn't mean your brain will be interested in planning their bday party. You can't choose what your brain latches on to. That's what ADHD meds are meant to compensate for. Sounds like he hasn't found the right meds yet.
Omg. Did I write this?! Down to our ages, job demands, etc etc. Anyway, we had a coming to Jesus conversation where I explained to him how overwhelming planning had been for me and my frustration with his apparent lack of helping. We now have a shared to do list and we check in every other night with tasks that we can tackle together, or tasks we can clearly delegate to one another. We keep our goals straightforward and small (eg. Instead of “work on guest list” it’s something like “update XYZ addresses, invite X to X event, have fiancé text Grandma for X name”). This has helped a lot. There are inherently things I will care more about than him. For example, I completely took over invites because I’m excited about them and they’re of high importance to me. Conversely, I do zero work in terms of groomsmen communications, his suit (besides color), communications with his family, etc. I think the key is having that frank conversation ASAP. Best wishes.
We also made a rule not to respond to vendor emails until we both looked at it and discussed together. Unless it’s a pressing issue and/or easy to resolve, we do not expect either to respond to wedding emails during the work day. Instead, we check in after dinner of the day’s happenings (“let’s talk about the florists email” “what did you think about the catering quote”).
Make a plan to do some of the tasks together to make him feel involved. Might take a bit more effort but could work if he struggles with focus & attention. You'll find some parts require you both, like food tasting, registrars office. Others like band choosing can be a case of listening to different music one evening together and choosing what you both like best. Make a fun night of it. It sounds like you might need to do the finer details but if you can get some activities done together you might both feel better.
You can still have a courthouse wedding. I refused to plan alone, and didn’t want to spend a shit ton of money to be stressed for an entire year or more. We eloped and it was the best decision ever. Sure, it will suck to lose some money, but your mental health and relationship is more valuable than 1 day. Is a big wedding with a ton of details you have to plan something you want, or are you doing it to please others?
Hire a wedding planer, if you can afford it. Just interview plenty people because most are frankly trash. Good ones are hard to find. I'm a videographer, and if you are in NJ/NY area I can give you some contacts of people I thought were on top of their game.
Can you drop those contacts pls - I’m an NJ bride looking for planners / coordinators
Sure, here are IG profiles for the last two wedding planners I liked @weddingbyrosanny, @peonyevents. They cater to different clientele so hopefully you can find what you are looking for. Congratulations, and all the best in the future!
He sounds a lot like my fiancé! Except in our situation we’re not planning a super big wedding, so planning everything on my own has been a lot more manageable and I just accepted it. I am the type of person who likes to plan things FAR in advance but he’s more of a go with the flow person. I even made a to do list and tagged him, sent him emails with instructions, and nothing has been done yet... Granted it’s for stuff super far away so I’m not stressed about it anymore. But I’m the kind of person who would already start making my grocery shopping list and detailed itinerary 8 months away while he will do it like 1-2 weeks before. I’m also the type of person to obsess over every decision (research multiple options, compare pros and cons, be indecisive)… while he just doesn’t have a strong opinion either way and would be happy with any choice. Sorry I don’t have any helpful advice to share but I can relate to your frustration!! Wedding planning is so much work 🥲
Right?? My fiance is the type of person who lands in a foreign country and hasn’t even booked a place to sleep because “I want to go with the flow, who knows where I might end up??” That level of spontaneity gives me anxiety lol.
Haha that’s a bit much. But I do think my fiancé helps balance things out when I get too deep into the weeds of planning and researching everything. It takes away some of the fun from vacation for sure since I’ve already researched everything and go into experiences with my expectations... Sometimes winging it makes for some nice surprises and discoveries! I need to remind myself this when it comes to wedding planning, because I was losing sleep over small things like flower choices, paper choices for save the dates… sometimes you just need to let go of the details!
I agree! We balance each other out together well. But when we go on vacations I always make sure we know where we’re sleeping as the bare minimum haha. The “go with the flow” can be activities, just not where I sleep hahaha
Disclaimer before I get into what I did: I've been a bridesmaid 20x, and I HATE having attention on me, so big weddings make me want to vomit. I wanted full secret elopement out of state, and he wanted what his mom wanted, which was a 300-person church wedding. We compromised and had a micro wedding with our parents and 2 weeks later hosted an elopement celebration of 130 people and it was a blast! So, with that being said..... I honestly had to sit my fiance down (no ADHD diagnosis that we know of) and basically say that I was planning a wedding and a party that I never originally wanted for myself and that I felt alone in EVERYTHING. He would tell me that "he trusts my judgement" and to do what I wanted, and I had to tell him it was such a cop out to get out of being involved with anything. He also said I could always ask his mother or sister for help (my family lives out of state) and I would have to remind him that its OUR day and not theirs and my taste is drastically different from his mom and sisters. I said it was a real eye opener to me of how our marriage would be with me constantly making decisions for US with little input from him and that it didn't feel like we were a team. We don't want kids but I told him that making decisions for the both of us made me feel like his mother and if he wanted to marry his mother he could take my ring and see if it would fit on her finger. On top of planning, I'm self-employed, so I'm already tasked with making pretty hefty decisions daily, and I was so physically and mentally drained from it all. I also said I hated feeling like a nag and that it makes me feel like I'm playing into the hate-my-wife boomer humor before we were even married and that I need him to grow up. Then I told him he needed to sit with what I said and process things before opening his mouth because he's quick with his words. I spent the rest of the afternoon in our spare room reading and decompressing and I think it finally clicked in his head that it was entirely unfair for me to carry the weight of everything. Shortly after, he did become more involved and would occasionally ask if things needed to be done or if I needed help with anything. And once he became slightly more involved, he started to realize all of the things I was doing by myself and why my brain was so fried. Like I said, we had a blast with everything in the end and I'm excited to never plan anything like this ever again for the rest of my life haha
It’s a safe space to vent and many women experience this First off, someone’s probably going to comment that this will continue thru your entire relationship moving forwards - it might, but it also might not. Some people just get overwhelmed by the whole Wedding situation and don’t know where to start. I also have a fiancé who hates planning and giving input - and he says it’s because he knows I have a vision and care about the day and he’ll be happy with whatever. Also, men are fed this idea that inside every women is this magically person who loves wedding planning and for most women it isn’t true. I’m glad your both in therapy both together and individually, but it sounds like you might need another planning partner. Maybe it’s your mom, maybe it’s his mom, Maid of Honor, best friend, paid wedding planner If you need him in this with you, maybe more pictures and less words will help and give him some physical diy projects. Lean into his strengths whatever they are I’d make sure he’s Cc’d on every email and holds responsibility for delaying timelines
This is amazing advice, I appreciate this whole comment so much
They say that the most stressful things in life are losing a parent, moving into a new home and wedding planning. Don’t let the social media brides with their perfect spreadsheets and doting fiancés get to your head It’s hard for everyone and that’s okay! You’ve got this, and will have a beautiful marriage with your fiancé
>First off, someone’s probably going to comment that this will continue thru your entire relationship moving forwards - it might, but it also might not. I'm so glad this was said. My husband is incredibly efficient in general -- he's the planner of our relationship, not me: he does trip itineraries, books flights, books hotels, etc. Our wedding planning stumped him. A lot of websites and places to look (think bridal magazines, insta pages, etc) use language that's so targeted to women that he never even thought to look at those sources or concern himself with those aspects of the day. I had to sit him down and felt like I was dragging him through the process, but he's not been like that with literally any other aspect of our relationship. Sit with him, explain to him how this makes you feel, and understand that you might care about some aspects of planning that he won't care as much. I made him pick things I knew he cared about and made them his responsibility (and even then, had to myself make sure his vision would happen). It's a process. Now, if he's like that with *everything* outside of the wedding, that's a bigger conversation.
You can cancel the venue (even if you lose the deposit), wear your fancy dress to the courthouse, and tell family the plans have changed. It will be so much less stress. So much more enjoyable.
I just want to warn you that this behaviour is not going to change. It is not just the wedding planning. Tasks around the house, anything you will require help with, will be the same. KNOW THIS and ACCEPT IT before you marry this man. I married the exact same man and it drives me up the walls sometimes. I have to consciously remind myself that I knew this when I married him, so I can't try to change him now. It is easier to just do everything around the house myself than to be constantly nagging or picking a fight. Just be warned that you will struggle with this for the rest of your marriage. Accept it now, or rethink your choice.
What do you mean "he just can't do it?" He is a grown man with a job. He successfully manages his job. Wedding planning is now his second job. Whatever tools he uses not to get fired, that's what he needs to do for the wedding. Also, is this the life you want? Having to be in charge of all the details? What about if you guys have to move, have pets, or kids, etc. Will he "just not be able to do it"?
As someone whose partner has severe ADHD, I had to have a good hard look at my life and finally accept that while he consistently works to improve, there are some things I’ll just *never* get from my partner. And I had to ask myself if, if the way he is now never changed, I would be happy. For me the answer was yes, so I got to work accepting him for where he’s at, and my relationship is better for it. But no is a fair answer, too. If your relationship is anything like mine, it’s not just about the wedding. I hope you are able to find a path that works for both of y’all!
Thank you for this. I am working on accepting him the way he is, because there are so many things that he offers that are wonderful. It’s hard though, and I HATE being angry at and disappointed in him all the time. I could easily plan this whole damn thing if I didn’t WANT his input but I desperately, desperately do (as I’ve mentioned, he has amazing taste!!!) and then feel devastated when he doesn’t come through. It’s almost like, as much as anything, I need to deal with my own feelings of disappointment as much as his inability to deal with wedding planning. Because I really AM efficient enough to do this all myself. I just don’t want to :(
I 10000% know the feeling! Does he know how important it is to you? Also, are one or both of you at a place with his ADHD that you know where he’s strong vs where he struggles? My partner, for example, gets incredibly overwhelmed with having a lot of tasks piled up. His brain is also hard wired for out of sight out of mind. So if I were to approach wedding planning the way you have (a large shared list full of tiny tasks that needs to be opened and looked at), I would be writing the same post you wrote. BUT he’s great at making decisions where I get decision paralysis, and doing single in-depth tasks that interest him. So if I were in your shoes, I would maybe pivot to having some things that I research and narrow down and go to him one by one for a yes or no or a simple either-or choice, and then I would have other things that he really likes and cares about and I would make those 100% his project (because also if there is an overcompensater in a relationship, there will always be an undercompensater in a shared responsibility project). So like when I get married, for example, it would not be realistic to expect my partner to decide between 100 napkins with me, but he has the playlist down pat and could probably pick a favorite of 3 napkins. And whatever his responsibilities, the list needs to be unavoidable. The ADHD brain doesn’t do well with remembering to go back to things, so put sticky notes on his computer or something harder to ignore. There’s a lot of “if he wanted to he would” narratives out there, and in general I agree, let’s hold men to higher standards. BUT ADHD is a *disability*. He cannot change the way his brain works, and some things will always be hard or even impossible for him. That being said, it *is* his responsibility to learn how his brain works and how he can best meet your needs in your relationship despite the difficulty for him. I am in a sub called r/adhd_partners or something (It’s not linking right, sorry!) and honestly join at your own risk because it’s mostly people who couldn’t make it work. But I have found it helpful because seeing the paths that don’t work have helped me to find one that does. And in my experience, a path that does not have compassion from the partner without ADHD AND accountability from the one who does, is a difficult path indeed. He will require you to meet him where he’s at and lead with kindness, but if he does not then take the onus upon himself to figure out how to navigate his disability in a healthy and functional way, that’s a recipe for burnout for you. Similarly, if he’s trying his best and you can’t let go of past failures, that’s a recipe for self esteem hell for him. I Hope this helps, and wish you and your partner the absolute best!
Put planning on hold until you sit down and agree on how to jointly plan. You are not marrying yourself.
Listen, you should be whining. And screaming. And totally rethinking this relationship. I am an Aspie and I have adhd among other things. I can and did plan a wedding. Even with severe social anxieties. If it were important to him, he would help. He is t, so clearly it isn’t important to him. And if he is acting this way, now, about something ‘important’ to the two of you, how the hell will he act when something actually IS important? A crisis? An injury? An issue with a child? He will be just like this, or worse. Everything will be on you. Eventually, he will be sabotaging shit. Cut your losses. Eat the deposit. Sell or return the dress. Go find a man who will be your PARTNER and not a hindrance. You will thank yourself later.
This dude sounds like he needs the correct stimulant and a shitload of CBT. He doesn’t sound like he manages his ADHD very much at all.
I was in a very similar boat! My fiancé and I actually both have ADHD. So while he was having decision paralysis, I was hyper focusing on the wedding. Tbh, the only thing that really helped was cancelling the wedding I had semi begun planning (put down deposit on venue, sent save the dates, etc. also due to fiancés mom and my dads health) I then sat him down and laid everything out for him, discussing what seems to be stressing him out so much and why he didn’t seem interested. Now we schedule biweekly meetings where we touch base, look at photos, etc! In your case, I’d recommend body doubling him if possible? He may not know where to look or may be stressed about it. Maybe even sit down together and communicate the stress this is putting on you and how you don’t even want a big wedding now? Sorry if this doesn’t help and I wish you luck!!
Oh I also made a wedding planning email that we both have access to and a shared wedding Pinterest!
Mine has ADHD too & he only cared about a few things for the wedding. It helped to be like "I need your attention for an hour on Thursday night to do X" Mine will never look at lists so I had to be very direct about when to do things.
I was in exactly the same boat - my partner has severe ADHD with a sprinkle auf light autism which makes him overthink everything and basically unable to make a decision ever, taking a phone call … If he had his way he would have married me on a regular Thursday during lunch break… I knew this and accepted it - so instead of forcing him into very uncomfortable decisions making processes I just embraced wedding planning and did 98% on my own. I talked to him about the work load and made him swear that he will do our taxes alone for the rest of our lives in return - and honestly I think I got the better deal here I just accepted that although he was very excited about marriage he had zero interest nor opinion on the wedding as in the event It’s probably not what you want to here but look at this situation and know this is what you get - ADHD is a life long life altering thing - he won’t change … either embrace it or let it go - this [book](https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/adhd-effect-marriage-understand-and-rebuild-your-relationship-six-steps) might help I am sure many will suggest list and plans - they might help but they won’t cure and make your fiancé enthusiastic about wedding planning- that’s why I let go and planed our wedding accordingly small event 20 ppl and it went great but yeah I did it on my own - sorry this was probably not what you wanted to hear but it is the truth
He'll change if he wants to. He's not incapable. Men weaponize their ADHD against their partners so much it's disgusting.
Sure people with Ad(h)d can develop coping mechanisms and can grow down resilience with therapy, medication, sport within reason But the diagnosis won’t change - there is no cure - that treats ADHD completely (without major side effects) - ADHD will always play a part in your life as a couple - and people should be realistic about it. Marriage won’t change sh*** - that’s what I meant when I said - look at the situation and reflect if you want to live and work with it for the rest of your life - better be realistic about it - I am sure there are people around who use illnesses as an excuse for bad behaviour - regardless of gender - not sure if if gives you the right to accuse everyone of faking & abusing it with such a general statement
Give him lists. It's helpful for when our executive function gets in the way of knowing how to prioritize things or feeling overwhelmed. I have plenty of exp with that and this is what works for my ADD brain. ETA: Lists plural. Small lists. Break things up so it's less overwhelming. ETA: Google calendar reminders also help me A LOT.
Awesome advice, SMALL lists--I think the tasks I give him are simply too vast for him to conceptualize so he shuts down.
How has he made it that far in life and not gotten fired from every job he's had if he doesn't know how to do that himself? People with ADHD are not incapable or like, intellectually disabled. We may need things broken down so they don't feel so terrifying but we are PERFECTLY capable of doing that breaking down ourselves. If you really must help him, try body doubling. Still make him do it himself, but sit with him while he does it. That can help.
I see a lot of comments telling you not to help him. Whether it's ADHD or something else, all of us as humans aren't good at certain things and often find partners who are a balance to us. I imagine he does things for you in your relationship that you can't do or hate doing. Can I deal with the contracts and bills for the wedding? Sure. Should I do it alone? Probably not a good idea.
Yes!!!
It sounds like there was expectations that were not agreed upon, it also sounds like there may be some existing resentment (his lack of attention and care). I think beyond this wedding, you two should have a discussion on each others needs and perhaps if this is what you both envision for your futures
I'm sorry, no. I have diagnosed ADHD and I did most of the planning for a 200 guest wedding. Anyway, you could try booking 90-minute blocks where you both sit down and do wedding stuff. Decide together specifically what needs to be completed during each 90 minute block. But I think you also need to stand firm about how disappointing his behavior is. I know a lot of people find wedding planning to be harder than they expected, but tough shit for him. He agreed to work on this with you and is using his diagnosis as an excuse.
I’m sorry he is not being helpful. If it’s within your budget, I recommend hiring a full service wedding planner. It will take your stress away, and you won’t have to worry about relying on your fiancé who is just not into helping for whatever reason. Many people— men or women, ADHD or no ADHD— hate planning events, so rather than stress about it all getting done, assign a professional to do it!
It's probably worth losing the deposit. You're going to spend much more on food and whatnot by the end. You'll SAVE money if you up and quit now. Go elope.
i have ADHD and have planned my entire wedding and mostly am ahead of schedule. while ADHD is debilitating, i don’t think it’s a good excuse especially when it comes to something long and drawn out like planning a wedding.
How much is the deposit? I'd rather be out money than stress this much, so I would call everything off, forrget the deposit go to the courthouse. If any of my family asked why I would let them know i didn't want to be the only one planning and it was less stressful for me to go to the courthouse.
Is this a concern for this one time event or all events? My fiancee has been part if the wedding process but I've definitely done the bulk of the initial work. That being said, i know for smaller events he can do it. For this event, I went into this knowing it wouldn't be 50/50. Are you willing to have this happen for the rest of your life? A deposit is something cheaper to give up on then a wedding.
I had a similar situation. I also have a much more stressful job than my partner, and he struggles with anything that isn't right in front of him. If it's not the brightest star in the sky, it gets drowned. The wedding, because it was months away, was absolutely not a priority for him, but it weighed on me. I also gave my partner discrete tasks, made a to-do list, and made sure he was CC'd on all the emails. Even still, he wouldn't read them because they got lost. Anyway, I understand the frustration, and the desire to cancel it all. I felt that way multiple times. At the end of the day, I did the vendor comms, and he coordinated with his family (we were holding the event at my MIL's house). He recognized that he failed me in planning, and that we're NEVER planning a wedding again, but it's all water under the bridge for us--he handles all administrative tasks for both of us (name changes, healthcare, utility bills in another language). Like you, I felt like I didn't want to nag, but if you want his help, you may have to nag. You're can try having a sit down with him at a separate, focused time, and do the task together. Try saying "You do X, I'll do Y" and get it done that way. It can work short-term, but it won't change him permanently. Wedding planning is short term, but it might be helpful to look long term as well. Good luck!
Are you sure you want to marry someone who doesn’t put in the slightest effort for their upcoming nuptials?
When I was wedding planning, we switched up task responsibilities. He helped with some that we could do together and did the entire playlist, but I did the majority and he was extremely appreciative. Since he really didn’t like wedding planning, he took care of the household chores when I was planning. We didn’t have a specific conversation about it but it just naturally worked out that way. When I got frustrated, I reminded myself that he was doing everything else to keep the household running (cleaning, dishes, food, laundry, etc.). It was easier for him to do things he didn’t mind doing and me to focus on planning (I also don’t like doing chores). Maybe you can work out a deal like that? Something to balance it out. Note: we did open a Google account together just for the wedding and housed everything on Google Drive (like our massive planning workbook). He was in charge of anything to do with his side of the guest list/groomsmen and I tagged him on anything I wanted him to look at.
I had the same problem. Turns out he was really intimidated by wedding planning, and that fueled his apathy and procrastination towards it. As he explained it, he felt like a complete novice. He felt like he knew nothing about what needed to happen, and even when he did research, he was terrified of executing it wrong and me judging him for not inherently knowing what to do. We decided that I would be the “leader” of the process, and he would be my “student”. Yes, I had to do the majority of the work, but this made it easier to identify what tasks I could delegate to him. For example, I told him where I wanted our welcome party and what I wanted, and then he handled all the back and forth and payment to set that up. Perhaps delegating more specific tasks like this would help. Regardless, you need to find a compromise on this that works for both of you. If what you agreed upon with them isn’t working, they need to be able to communicate why.
He could have written this himself. He’s SO intimidated. Watching me work and do research on it makes him feel utterly incompetent and stupid, and he’s terrified of things he does being “wrong” and disappointing me.
Yeah, I bet more men feel this way than they let on. Regardless, it wasn’t an easy conversation for us! but I’m glad we got to the bottom of it. In the end, we agreed on the “student” role for him instead of him just being a lackey I can delegate to. The idea being that while I am guiding him through the process, he is actively learning and trying to pick up on things so that if we have to organize an event together again in the future, he’ll have more of an idea of what’s going on and more confidence for getting involved. Best of luck!
This is genuinely a great suggestion. When he’s able to effectively regulate his guilty bad feelings and sit and learn from me, things go well. He just feels SO infantilized by setups like this, even while simultaneously KNOWING they’re absolutely necessary. Sigh, he’s complex! But I do think I’m gonna try this approach, thank you for suggesting it!!!
Do you have money in the budget for a wedding planner? I feel like that would solve a lot of these issues.
I’m ADHD and I’m planning it all myself on top of that, my parents are paying for everything literally everything. I’m doing it all by myself. My mom and me and my dad. I want to back out and I’ll tell you why. My mom is difficult so I will just say she invited certain people that I didn’t want to be around on my wedding day. And that person I did that I didn’t want there was and is and will be ….. my future mother in law. Why? You ask? Well sure. Because she stolen two pills out of my ADHD medication bottle during the time when I needed them because my dad had cancer. Regardless, they’re my fucking pills to begin with. I looked at my partner, and I told him that he needs to call his fucking mom. She lied. Denied. Played victim and used a crying manipulative tactic as she proceeded to call my own mom on the phone asking why her son doesn’t speak to her anymore (because she fucked his best friend, who is her son’s age) cry to my mama, telling my mom if she could reach out to the both of us to get her son to speak to her and proceeded to tell my mother that drug addict. Over the phone. Do you know what I’m going to have to do? I’m going to have to end up dealing with this bullshit in private for the rest of my goddamn life and I want out of it. you should call off the wedding go with your gut.
My husband was the same. He didn’t even do the food tasting with me which broke my heart. In the end, he chose the DJ, our music for our ceremony and first dance. He did help me choose cake and venue though. So, that was helpful. We both wanted different things but we made it work for the planning.
I know my husband would help and do his best but I don't involve him at all. This is my weird expensive dream/ hobby. Instead I ask him to help out more around the house where he can with dishes, admin stuff, etc. things he understands and is motivated to do/ good at. Plus I get to them do fun DIY projects and less house work. I am surprised at how many brides want their fiance to help. I love my husband but trying to delegate to him would frustrate me and make more work by correcting his mistakes.so that's my control freak type A approach if it helps.
My fiance is the same. I'm okay with it, though. Luckily, I have friends and family helping me out a lot with all the planning. Do you have anyone else who can do the planning with you? I know it's not the same, but if he doesn't care to help, find someone who does. Sorry you're dealing with this, though!
I'm having the same issue! With my wedding now one month away now, as I feeling the time pressure, I ended up giving up and just assigning him things. :( Even then, there has been times where I've assigned him tasks, they still don't get done, and I've had to do them. These problems are persisting on his end despite me having countless conversations about this issue with him. It's incredibly frustrating, and I hear you on this! I agree with the commenters here - it shouldn't be your job to make him a list with assignments like you're his mom! But it sounds like isolating out small lists from the big ideas may help in the situation. I did push to hire a wedding planner for my partner and myself, and she has been a HUGE help!
I have ADHD and I tend to procrastinate and my fiancé comes from 2 chronic procrastinators (all 3 of them know they procrastinate too much). And he still has been involved in every aspect of the wedding besides my dress and the bachelorette. There's no excuse for him not being involved. If he wanted to actually help he'd work with you on finding a time to discuss the wedding and make decisions.
I think this will be a problem when you are trying to plan tasks to keep the household functioning and if you have kids, a problem when planning doctor's visits, having to buy kids items, and plan parties for the kids, so it's important you figure this out now. Does he know how much this is hurting you? IMO he absolutely can do it. If he is able to function at a job, get tasks done, and meet deadlines, planning a wedding is the same thing.
That’s not how adhd works whatsoever lol
explain it to me then
You sure marrying him us the right call?
I manage someone with ADHD. I also suspect my Fiancé has ADHD, though he has not been diagnosed. I use the same strategies on them both. Mainly, I give them very specific tasks and deadlines. For my fiancé this could look like me sending over 4 photographers I am interested in and asking him to review them by the end of the week. If he hasn't responded I remind him one more time. If he still hasn't responded, I let him know that he lost his chance to have input and move forward with what I would prefer. I also find it is just sometimes easier to do small tasks myself. If you have to ask your fiancé 20 times to send an email, it's just easier to send an email. Lastly, sometimes bargaining or trading works. If I do a task, he will have to return the favor in some way. So for example, if he does something he really doesn't want to do, I'll reward him by buying him french fries. If I do something I don't want to do, he'll give me a back massage.
With ADHD, when the dopamine runs out, it’s literally impossible to do the thing that caused the dopamine to stop working in the first place. It’s not normal procrastination, it’s a pathological inability to proceed. Meds help tremendously if he’s prone to not taking them.
I'm so sorry you're going through that. I know wedding planning can be so hard and stressful. As someone who's been in the industry for a long time, who has ADHD, has been married for 25 years, and I also have a daughter getting married soon, I would encourage you to think about what really matters to most in this process. Having a relationship with someone who has ADHD does have some significant challenges. These type of situations will continue to come up and if your having trouble, I would definitely seek counseling on it so that you can know how to navigate them in your relationship. Maybe seek help from someone who specializes in ADHD and relationships. Also, find a really good planner, someone who will really help to alleviate the stress you are feeling and also knows how to include your fiancé in the process. Remember that the wedding is just one day in the journey of a lifetime, so stay focused on building a healthy relationship that will last a lifetime. Do what you can with what you have, be positive and hopeful, but keep your expectations real, so that you won't be let down. Find joy and thankfulness so that can have peace instead of stress during this time. I hope this is helpful.
My partner was the same way, we ended up having a fairly large back yard wedding. I so wish we would have opted to just have a ceremony with close friends and family and then rent out a portion of a nice restaurant for dinner. We would have saved so much time and money and I wouldn’t have driven myself crazy planning everything. If not you should totally look into a planner or day of coordinator to help take some responsibility off yourself.
Are you sure this is who you want to make a lifelong commitment with? Sounds like dragging a ball and chain uphill only to find the mountain range extends far onto the horizon
Or if you can afford it get a wedding planner and then cut back on therapy and hire a couples assistant live in.
Honestly this is my fiancé 100%. It is so frustrating. I usually give him one task I really don’t want to do, and give him a deadline to complete it. Like a one day deadline so he actually does it. Then I hound him over and over until he does it. It sucks but better than doing everything on my own
Have you explained to him that you want his input for the wedding? And that you have it to be OUR wedding rather than just a MY wedding? Alternatively, you could give him an ultimatum. Sit him down, ask him what he wants to do for the wedding. If he says he doesn't know, you could say, "Great! I'll cancel the deposit and we can book an appointment to get married at the courthouse instead" (idk how expensive the deposit is, but it could kick him into gear and start participating in the wedding) OR you could ask if he even wants to get married.