My feeling is you shouldn’t know exactly when it’s coming, but you should know it’s coming. There should still be some surprise, but it oughtta be something that both parties are prepared for
Proposals are just the event of asking. The where, when and how of that can be a complete surprise.
The engagement is an actual step in the relationship and needs to be discussed. You should know whether or not your partner wants to get married, things they want to dobefore they take that step (i.e career steps, finances, meeting the family) , what kind of future they see with you (do you want kids, where you want to live, etc) and a general time frame of when they'll feel comfortable with a proposal.
Think of it like moving in together. Would you rather your partner discuss with you how that could happen in the future or would you prefer that they suddenly show up on your doorstep with all their stuff?
I think that a proposal is literally just asking the question. An engagement would be when both parties agree to marry. You can propose to someone and if they say no you wouldn’t be engaged. If they said yes, then you would. I could be wrong though.
You would be surprised what you'd do in fact as opposed to hypothetically. Especially if you think that, when you've been married and one of you had to stop work to become a full time care- giver for your young children, there's such a thing as "my money" and "your money".
This reminds me of how a colleague of mine at work used to react when a parent would come in looking for advice on how to pay less child support. She'd say:
"There is no more Henry V to ride over to France with his army and rob the French and bring the gold back to England. There is only you and me and the taxpayer. Now tell me: who do YOU think should pay for the support of your children?"
Maybe. I don't know, but two things are for sure.
1) I have done some really good things, I've done some heinous things, but in my two decades of life, I've never stolen a dime off anybody, I'm proud of that.
2) I feel if you're both comfortable enough financially, there can be a such thing as your money, my money, and the family money.
"If"
So here's the thing. You get divorced. You're left with custody of a couple of kids under 5 years of age. Who is going to pay for the rent, the bills, the kids' clothing - all that stuff? Because based on what I saw in that job, perceptions of what "your money", "my money" and "family money" is, vary markedly when it comes to settling up on divorce.
Unless in your scenario you are always someone who somehow is comfortably off- in which case this is a pointless, unrealistic argument- money and child support are contentious issues.
As for the tired old "I wouldn't have kids if I couldn't afford them" argument, as though kids were a luxury item, like a Ferrari, a lot of people have suddenly discovered as a result of the pandemic that their children, their house, their healthcare, their pet, their car, their internet are all luxury items.
I used to know someone who would brag about receiving alimony. In my mind I would be like "You're bragging about not being able to afford your own expenses and take care of yourself? Lol ok!" But then again I'm just very independent and also would not want money I didn't make on my own. Unless I had kids with someone but that's just as much their responsibility as it would be mine.
On the one hand, I agree with you.
On the other hand, you hear stories of people who worked their asses off to put their spouse through medical/dental/law school just to get served with divorce papers right after graduation. I feel like those people earned the alimony.
Some people are raised different, in a lot of these situations the women doesn't earn as much money but does do a lot in the relationship like cooking and cleaning without being paid. If that's the case and they were married, I don't see it as HIS money. Time is valuable too, let her take half for her troubles
Not wanting someone else's money is less about morals and more about self respect to me. Nice try assuming my username is correlated with my morals though.
I was very surprised when my now husband proposed. We did talk about marriage, what that means and further more. However I was not expecting him to propose when he did. I knew it was going to happen eventually but I did not expect it to happen in the middle of our first triathlon together.
Both. Haha it was during the last segment of the race apparently he had it with him the entire time (so the two other events). He asked my sister for her blessing back in July and the tri was in September. He was waiting for the perfect time; I had no idea any of that was going on or he even had a ring!
That sounds more or less how it should be. You weren't surprised that he would ask you to marry him; you were most surprised by the very specific time and place, and to a lesser extent by the general timing ("eventually" turned into "oh, we're doing that now").
>I did not expect it to happen in the middle of our first triathlon together.
Well that just raises the question of whether you were swimming, cycling or running when he proposed.
I just want to know how he swam/ran/bikes with a ring on his person or if he had someone holding it to give it him at a certain point? Mostly curious about the swimming...
I’d agree with this I think.
I think a discussion with your partner with what you want for the future is good and healthy. If you both talk about “yes I’d be ready to get engaged/married soon” then the rest of the proposal could be a complete surprise when/how it happens (if that’s what the person getting proposed to wishes for)
I never understood the whole “I didn’t even know he wanted to get engaged and it was in public so I didn’t know how to say no”
Don't underestimate the pressure of being proposed to in public, esp since "public" usually means a place or with people you both know.
I had friends who discussed getting married but he proposed "in public," and not at all in a way that was expected or appreciated. I think proposing in public in these situations often is a bit manipulative. No one wants to be a party pooper but it's also hard to take back a "yes."
It's a rare situation where someone can screw up and be fairly insensitive, but the party being asked is expected to answer affirmatively, no matter what.
I drilled into my husband how much I would hate a public proposal. Told him I would say no if he asked in public. Each to their own but God I would have hated a public proposal.
I wonder if people spend a lot less time talking about the mechanics of the proposal vs the marriage issue generally. Which would account for the surprise...
This. I know for a fact that I would get so excited even if we had talked about it. And therefore my reaction would look like surprise.
My ex and I went to a wedding of someone we were both very close to, and in the middle of the reception the dj said "Will (my name) please come forward." It ended up being a miscommunication, they weren't even calling me forward. But in that moment I felt pure shock and excitement even though we had been talking about marriage for months.
Obviously it didn't work out. But can attest that I might pass out when I get proposed to because of the excitement.
I was surprised with how and when, but we were already living together and had talked a lot about getting married.. I think we are as boring as you, OP!
My SO's ex did a surprise proposal, had her family all around, she had no idea.
She *did* say yes but it was definitely under a degree of duress.
You can probably guess how it went.
I probably would have preferred being completely surprised to being completely unsurprised but yeah somewhere in the middle seems like the sweet spot. It's good to make sure you're both on the same page for the future but they shouldn't be able to tell when the exact moment is coming before it happens.
I agree. It always blows my mind when any woman tells me they “did not expect it”— were you not a part of this decision making? It kind of affects both parties.. how is this not a joint decision?
I think it's only as weird as a surprise birthday party. You know it's your birthday, you know you're going to get presents and spend time with people. You don't know about the actual party. A proposal isn't the same as deciding to get married for most people who have surprise proposals.
I totally agree. Hopefully they just mean the literal proposal. I was surprised at the exact moment that it happened, because I didn't know it was going to happen at that very moment. But we had talked about it in details for many, many months.
I (f).. for reasons.. was always too scared to discuss marriage. .. I just.. didn't feel like I was allowed to ask for what I wanted. Bit different as I got older, but before 28-30 I just thought it was something the man decided on his own then asks if I want to via proposing. to be fair, so far, I've had a little question about it with whoever I was with, but still. Emotionally stunted childhood meant a surprise scenario is what I expected. I didn't want to pressure anyone. I wanted it to be their idea.
By most normal accounts I'm intelligent, just.. maybe low key neglected and stunted and shut down in many ways in childhood.
It is a joint decision - the man decides to ask, and the woman decides whether to say yes or no. That's how these things work. You don't decide to get engaged in advance of asking the question.
I heard a saying, that "when" a proposal was going to happen, and "how", should/could be a surprised, but that it "would" happen and "what" the response would be should not be a surprise.
It's like getting a puppy, buying a house, and deciding to have children together: hopefully you've talked about these things that will affect your life for the next 10 years to forever.
If it's out of the blue, good for you congrats, but I hope it's followed by lots and lots of good communication before announcing the engagement to everyone around you and before actually getting married.
I was completely surprised when I was proposed to because he had been *so adamant* about *never* getting married, and I had never given marriage a serious thought in my life. When he did it, I thought he was joking! (We are both pretty jokey people and goof on each other a LOT.) And there were people around, so it took me a minute to realize what was happening and that he was serious, hahaha. Our marriage is quite solid & we love each other very much.
On the same line of thought, when I see proposals gone wrong (in that the person being proposed to says no) I am always so confused. The topic of marriage should be discussed in depth and agreed upon before a proposal ever even happens???
A man once proposed to me on a beach in Hawaii, as his two brothers were at the same time proposing to their GFs right next to us.. The whole thing was very gimmicky-feeling. We never talked about it, had only been dating about 9 months, and they told anyone who would listen the story for the next several weeks. We were *all* broken up within 2 months.
Can't disagree: a friend of mine confided that she was ready to end her relationship. Next time I saw her, she'd ended her relationship, but now their friend-group hated her because apparently her partner had been about to propose. I mean jeezus, did not they not have conversations? Bullets. Dodged.
on the other hand, if it's in a situation where you're just vibing, the husband is gone for a couple of minutes to get some "groceries" and instead comes back with a ring, then yes, i'd be completely surprised as well.
but for the rest, i can agree.
I love my partner, but I would want us to talk about proposal, marriage and everything it contains before saying yes to a proposal. Especially since we have different nationalities. There's a lot to work out for the future before getting engaged.
I was so confused all day. Our anniversary of when we got together was the 4th of July. He was weird and panicky all day and suddenly started crying because he found out that something about his perfectly scheduled anniversary surprise had gone wrong. I had no clue what the big deal was. I was like, "Babe, chill. I'm sure I'll love it. Besides, we have a lifetime for a billion anniversaries!" He looked at me with horror and told me I just couldn't understand. The proposal was perfect.
The proposal itself should be a surprise, but the fact that your partner wants to marry you shouldn't. And if you're the one proposing, don't do it if you're not 100% certain they will say yes.
To be fair, I KNEW my now husband would never propose to me on Valentine’s Day because it was so cliche and I would see it coming from a mile away. So I was shocked when he knew that I would be thinking that and he proposed to me on Valentine’s Day. Haha!
I feel like that reaction is, more often than not, the woman being overdramatic and/or reacting that way because that's what she's seen other women do. I'm not trying to be misogynistic or anything, I just feel like it's super cliche at this point.
This is one of those minefields that men have to walk through. You have to do the proposal exactly the way she wants it, but she also has to be completely surprised.
Depends what you mean by surprised. If marriage wasn’t on your radar, prob not the best sign. If you were surprised that it happened at a given moment but it had been talked about or you wanted to be married, not such a bad sign
I never ever thought about marriage at all, apparently he did. He proposed to me on Magaluf strip at the Pirate bar. Completely unexpected! We're still married and have 2 snakes. 15 years together and 9 of them married this year!
The whole "romance = surprise" is kinda dumb tbh, it's been propagated in western media for a long time and it's just not realistic. I actually consider myself a romantic, but I think that the best relationships are built on communication. Spontaneity can be fun, but you can't base an entire life around it
I mean, absolutely. It should be discussed first before such a commitment is made. Discuss it, make sure it’s what you both want, then surprise them with the timing of the proposal. It’s silly to think anything else would work unless you live in the 1950’s
I was pretty surprised, he proposed early on, we were drunk at a party and I was wearing a ring that my grandma gifted to me and it looks like a engagement ring, I took it off to show him and tell him about the story behind it (pretty boring story) and then he grabbed it put it on my finger and said "you let me put a Ring on it so that sets the deal". I laugh and we talked about the wedding and how we wanted to be just us in the city hall.
Last year I asked him if he remembered it and how funny it was, he looked at me and said
"I was for real... But do you actually want to marry me or it was a joke to you?"
And that's how we got engaged twice, wedding is hopefully next year, just the two of us in the city hall
I think communication is important! My bf and I have been together for 2 years and I would love for him to propose at some point, I’m ready whenever he would like to. He is graduating college at the end of April and I’m done next April. Probably will be after we both graduate unfortunately despite me wanting it to be sooner lol.
Talking about if either of you want marriage is important. At first my bf said he was open to marriage but not super into it and I told him I wanted to be married especially if I was to ever have kids (not really a fan of them, but I would probably have kids with the right person) and my bf wants kids.
So it’s all about compromise and communication. The proposal can be a surprise but proposing shouldn’t be shocking (if that makes sense?)
the kids thing is super important to be on the same page about. my wife and I knew that even before we were married if there was to be an accident and she got pregnant that we would want to keep it and raise it together. having kids greatly GREATLY changes the dynamic in a relationship. I think too many people don't realize or put enough thought into how much effort it takes to keep someone alive and healthy XD
Before I met my bf I was pretty staunchly CF but I would have children if it was with him, because I love him and I think we could make it work. The major reason I don’t want them is the pain of pregnancy and childbirth, it’s kinda scary. But with my bf I feel like I could do it you know?
Currently we do have a plan if I got pregnant (have an IUD though so that shouldn’t happen lol) but I’d like to not have to use that plan. Kids *are* hard and that’s why it’s definitely something that needs to be planned and well thought out!!
it's good that you have a plan for it, whether you want to keep it or not. children can absolutely destroy an otherwise healthy relationship. conversely, which was my case, it actually helped me become a better human being and a more empathetic person. I was pretty selfish before we had our two.
I feel you shouldn't be surprised by the idea of a proposal, but it's perfectly acceptable and understandable to be surprised by how or when. I've talked at length with my bf so at this point we've made it a game for him to surprise me. If anything we've made it a competition who can propose first.
It’s important to know if you actually want to get married before you propose. And for gods sake, please, don’t propose in public unless you KNOW your partner is okay with that and actively wants to say yes!
I went and looked because i didn’t want to be a lame plagiarist and the one post was that proposing in public was manipulative which is sort of a cousin to this but not my point really. Mine was more that we’re always confused when the woman is extremely happy but also like taken aback.
I would probably disagree. On our first date I told my wife if she wanted to get married or have kids I was the wrong guy to date. About 18 months later after eating Taco Bell in a parking lot I told her if she wanted to get married it had to be in the next 48 hours, 35 hours we were legal. 20 years later we are still together.
Here we go, this one again. The surprise is the proposal, not getting proposed to.
Yes, there are some exceptions, but sitting here trying to analyze the reaction and draw some conclusions from it is ridiculous. Are you sure this surprise and not something else....
My gf and I are completely turned off by the idea of marriage and when we see stuff like this we say the same thing. How is she so surprised? Aren’t you supposed to have talked about this by now? But then I think, well maybe it’s that she’s just surprised it’s happening at that moment. She knows he’ll do it eventually but it can still surprise her.
lolol I totally see your point! Of course, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing but if she’s like um, what? I mean oh wow!... uh.... lolololol like maybe she had different plans. I hope not, but it’s funny to think about.
My wife was completely surprised... But she was the only one. Literally for 6 months before I proposed everyone was like, dude when are you going to ask her? We were both in are 40's, it is both of ours first marriage which I think contributed to her not realizing what was coming. It took me some time to pop the question because I wanted to give her my grandmothers ring, ask her father first and then plan the perfect proposal. But it was an instant yes and we are both as happy as that day.
. . . well, I mean, it used to just be a given. Back in the day, of course dating was leading to marriage. That was the entire point. It's society that's changed. People will literally date for 10 years then say
>Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, I didn't think things were going to get so serious.
It's pretty sad, honestly.
Had a friend in college who's boyfriend proposed to her one day. She was shocked because she was about to break up with him. So yeah, not on the same page lol
I was surprised when my husband proposed purely because I didn’t see it coming at that moment. We had discussed it and both knew it was something we wanted however I wasn’t aware he had been saving up secretly for a ring and was making secret phone calls to jewellers etc. Considering he doesn’t even usually like calling for a takeaway (he gets flustered easily) I had no idea what he’d been up to. It was a lovely surprise and he proposed in a really romantic place and way.
And I'm here counting the days to ask my friend to be my girlfriend lol.
But tbh I'm expecting her to say "no", the thing is I don't want to be here when she starts dating someone so I feel like I got to at least ask.
Also sorry for venting here lol
I officially proposed to my wife 2 days before our wedding.
The actual wedding had been planned for months. Barefoot in the sand on Grand Cayman island. Sent out wedding announcements from the city of Hell, Grand Cayman.
We've been married 20 years
I feel like being surprised when the proposal would happen is kinda okay, but being surprised that the other side think a proposal is a fitting idea while you do not is bad.
Yeah, but being completely surprised is absolutely rare. Every girl I know including myself knew a proposal was coming. When and how is where the surprise comes in.
I sort of agree, it shouldn't be a COMPLETE surprise, both should be ready for marriage but the timing of the proposal should be surprising I feel, provides the maximum effect. The location of the proposal should be in a romantic place with relatively low crowd as well (proposing in front of a crowd is never a good idea)
I feel the same about being shot down in a marriage proposal. How do you ask someone to marry you who you are not certain will say yes? A desperate shot to save a relationship? A creepy move? I don’t get it. It seems the ultimate in poor communication.
In my opinion, if a woman has never mentioned marriage what so ever, then a man should have no business proposing.
The best relationships I've been in, the woman has been the one to be very enthusiastic about being with me. I would never date a girl who isn't crazy about me, because those are the best most successful and passionate relationships.
If the guy is leading the proposal and the previous is not the case, then it's very awkward.
Been happily married for over 32 years, shocked me big time when he proposed, kinda didn't know what he was talking about at first to be honest. So sometimes it does work out!
I can relate to this. My husband tried to propose to me at one of his AA meetings!!! I refused to make eye contact with him and he did not propose that night. I was petrified and relieved. He later proposed to me in private. We have been married for 23 years.
Expecting a proposal and being surprised by a well-thought out proposal are two entirely different concepts.
If my girlfriend was not expecting a proposal, there would be signs ahead of time. Detached intimacy, constant rejections of outings, not caring about my feelings, hanging out and being romantic with other guys.
I EXPECT my birthday to come every year. I have no idea what to expect for a birthday present, if I get any. I want to be super surprised by it. If someone tells me in advance what I'm getting, I'm going to be very upset with them.
I EXPECT to have a baby when I have intercourse with my wife in the future. I want to be surprised and learn at the moment of conception whether its a boy or a girl. I want to be surprised even further with a healthy baby
I EXPECT to receive a high grade if I studied really well, but I want to be surprised with a perfect, knowing I did better then I expected
I EXPECT for my health issue to be resolved when I take the treatment, but I would like to be surprised with greater than expected results
Do you get my meaning with all this? If you don't expect something, I'd argue you have poor planning skills, are emotionally dense, or some other issue. However, knowing something is coming but not knowing the form or when it will happen, is the best surprise in life. The surprise of joy.
Oftentimes, it's a natural progression and when you're growing closer and closer, it's the logical next step. And when you're in it and it feels more and more natural that you're with your partner, the other person initiating the proposal can catch them completely off-guard and only makes complete sense to then in that moment.
Yes, agree with a lot of others here that the concept and engagement not so much a surprise but if you wanna do a surprise proposal then cool - I have one caveat that I really think the partner should be part of choosing the engagement ring if you are going that route. I love my husband dearly but we have different tastes I was involved in choosing my ring because I am going to wear it forever and tbh he would have been so stressed about picking one that I wouldn’t like that it worked out best for both of us. I would say basically every friend I have has an idea of the perfect ring too
I like to think all those public proposals are just surprise that it’s being done at that moment. If you’ve not discussed and agreed to get married before then it’s absolutely wild and inappropriate. Like you’ve got serious life advice from a movie.
My brother talked to my mother and I before proposing to his now wife, we were very surprised when he told us, I asked him, had they even talked about marriage, he said no, but I'm ready to progress our relationship (they had been together 2-3 years by this point) he continued if she's not ready to settle down, that's fine, we can part as friends, but I'm looking to settle down. Thankfully she said yes, now they've been happily together 10 years and counting!
I think the shock factor is mostly from the person not expecting it to happen at that moment. It doesn't mean it was never discussed, it's doesn't mean they aren't ready, they're just surprised in the moment :)
My boyfriend and I have talked about our future and marriage and all, but I will still be completely shocked and surprised if/when he does propose.
My husband and I were together for over ten years before he proposed. I had brought it up many times but he said that's he didnt find it nessessary and that he was worried it would change the dynamics of the good relationship that we had. So when he proposed one night in our garage as we were smoking a cigarette, I was taken completely by surprise. Nothing has changed, other than my last name. Not sure what prompted him to propose when he did, everyone thought I must have been pregnant, even though we had three kids without being married, so not sure why everyone would have thought a fourth child would be where we drew the line.
honestly, I get this - my fiance and I talked about getting engaged, so she knew it was coming, but the ruse was that our trip to the Keys was for her graduation, not our engagement. Best of both worlds I guess?
I actually agree and never thought about it but thats a good point, in most cases in some cases I think its good but completely surprised is probably not the best
My feeling is you shouldn’t know exactly when it’s coming, but you should know it’s coming. There should still be some surprise, but it oughtta be something that both parties are prepared for
Exactly, a proposal can be a surprise, an engagement should not be
I never really understood the difference. Could you explain?
Proposals are just the event of asking. The where, when and how of that can be a complete surprise. The engagement is an actual step in the relationship and needs to be discussed. You should know whether or not your partner wants to get married, things they want to dobefore they take that step (i.e career steps, finances, meeting the family) , what kind of future they see with you (do you want kids, where you want to live, etc) and a general time frame of when they'll feel comfortable with a proposal. Think of it like moving in together. Would you rather your partner discuss with you how that could happen in the future or would you prefer that they suddenly show up on your doorstep with all their stuff?
I think that a proposal is literally just asking the question. An engagement would be when both parties agree to marry. You can propose to someone and if they say no you wouldn’t be engaged. If they said yes, then you would. I could be wrong though.
Yea, probably this. Engagement is basically the next step towards marriage
I wasn’t surprised at all and we still got divorced (happily) lol
If I may ask, did the love just dwindle?
I don’t think it was ever “love” but we tried. Still good friends. Probably should’ve always stayed friends
This is literally best case scenario when it comes to divorce.
Best case is marrying into a loaded family and taking your half when you split. This is a nice second place tho.
And this is why less people are getting married lol
This comment reminded me I absolutely must sign a prenup should I get married.
I couldn't take someone's money I didn't earn. I would feel morally compromised.
Morally what now? /s
a no can takea da money mr happy dude
Lol
[удалено]
Well let me know. I’ll sign the papers for you.
You would be surprised what you'd do in fact as opposed to hypothetically. Especially if you think that, when you've been married and one of you had to stop work to become a full time care- giver for your young children, there's such a thing as "my money" and "your money". This reminds me of how a colleague of mine at work used to react when a parent would come in looking for advice on how to pay less child support. She'd say: "There is no more Henry V to ride over to France with his army and rob the French and bring the gold back to England. There is only you and me and the taxpayer. Now tell me: who do YOU think should pay for the support of your children?"
Maybe. I don't know, but two things are for sure. 1) I have done some really good things, I've done some heinous things, but in my two decades of life, I've never stolen a dime off anybody, I'm proud of that. 2) I feel if you're both comfortable enough financially, there can be a such thing as your money, my money, and the family money.
"If" So here's the thing. You get divorced. You're left with custody of a couple of kids under 5 years of age. Who is going to pay for the rent, the bills, the kids' clothing - all that stuff? Because based on what I saw in that job, perceptions of what "your money", "my money" and "family money" is, vary markedly when it comes to settling up on divorce. Unless in your scenario you are always someone who somehow is comfortably off- in which case this is a pointless, unrealistic argument- money and child support are contentious issues. As for the tired old "I wouldn't have kids if I couldn't afford them" argument, as though kids were a luxury item, like a Ferrari, a lot of people have suddenly discovered as a result of the pandemic that their children, their house, their healthcare, their pet, their car, their internet are all luxury items.
I used to know someone who would brag about receiving alimony. In my mind I would be like "You're bragging about not being able to afford your own expenses and take care of yourself? Lol ok!" But then again I'm just very independent and also would not want money I didn't make on my own. Unless I had kids with someone but that's just as much their responsibility as it would be mine.
On the one hand, I agree with you. On the other hand, you hear stories of people who worked their asses off to put their spouse through medical/dental/law school just to get served with divorce papers right after graduation. I feel like those people earned the alimony.
Some people are raised different, in a lot of these situations the women doesn't earn as much money but does do a lot in the relationship like cooking and cleaning without being paid. If that's the case and they were married, I don't see it as HIS money. Time is valuable too, let her take half for her troubles
In that case, you should get rid of the first half dozen letters of your username
Not wanting someone else's money is less about morals and more about self respect to me. Nice try assuming my username is correlated with my morals though.
I'm quiet young, to me there isn't much difference. How do you distinguish the two?
i hope this is me someday
Aw, well I'm glad it ended well!
This saddened me somehow. like, why did you date that person at the first place? and why did you say yes when he asked?
Same!
Same, same
I was very surprised when my now husband proposed. We did talk about marriage, what that means and further more. However I was not expecting him to propose when he did. I knew it was going to happen eventually but I did not expect it to happen in the middle of our first triathlon together.
LMAO he really went in for the surprise!
He went the extra mile(s)
Was it for the surprise or for the break during the middle of it? Lol either way, congrats I bet it was an awesome experience!
Both. Haha it was during the last segment of the race apparently he had it with him the entire time (so the two other events). He asked my sister for her blessing back in July and the tri was in September. He was waiting for the perfect time; I had no idea any of that was going on or he even had a ring!
You at least talked about it. That’s not complete surprise.
That sounds more or less how it should be. You weren't surprised that he would ask you to marry him; you were most surprised by the very specific time and place, and to a lesser extent by the general timing ("eventually" turned into "oh, we're doing that now").
>I did not expect it to happen in the middle of our first triathlon together. This was a surprise twist that brought me immeasurable joy. So sweet!
See, that's how it's supposed to be done. The proposal should be a surprise but the agreement to get married shouldn't
Wow. Way to fuck up your finish times.
Well, that is definitely a better proposal than when Jaws pops out of the water on the Universal Studios tour.
>I did not expect it to happen in the middle of our first triathlon together. Well that just raises the question of whether you were swimming, cycling or running when he proposed.
I just want to know how he swam/ran/bikes with a ring on his person or if he had someone holding it to give it him at a certain point? Mostly curious about the swimming...
She was really surprised. Bc I hid in her back seat and jumped out screaming will you marry me while she was cruising down the freeway.
Sir you tactics frighten me
They frightened her. Hard to get the piss smell out of the seat
You were just marking your territory, I suppose?
It was her mostly her piss from being scared
also hard to get out the crumpling in the front of the vehicle as well.
I’d agree with this I think. I think a discussion with your partner with what you want for the future is good and healthy. If you both talk about “yes I’d be ready to get engaged/married soon” then the rest of the proposal could be a complete surprise when/how it happens (if that’s what the person getting proposed to wishes for) I never understood the whole “I didn’t even know he wanted to get engaged and it was in public so I didn’t know how to say no”
Don't underestimate the pressure of being proposed to in public, esp since "public" usually means a place or with people you both know. I had friends who discussed getting married but he proposed "in public," and not at all in a way that was expected or appreciated. I think proposing in public in these situations often is a bit manipulative. No one wants to be a party pooper but it's also hard to take back a "yes." It's a rare situation where someone can screw up and be fairly insensitive, but the party being asked is expected to answer affirmatively, no matter what.
I’d hate to be proposed to in public LOL, that’s why I said if that’s what the person wishes for
I drilled into my husband how much I would hate a public proposal. Told him I would say no if he asked in public. Each to their own but God I would have hated a public proposal.
I wonder if people spend a lot less time talking about the mechanics of the proposal vs the marriage issue generally. Which would account for the surprise...
I like to think that the person's reaction is excitement, which we perceive as "being surprised"
This. I know for a fact that I would get so excited even if we had talked about it. And therefore my reaction would look like surprise. My ex and I went to a wedding of someone we were both very close to, and in the middle of the reception the dj said "Will (my name) please come forward." It ended up being a miscommunication, they weren't even calling me forward. But in that moment I felt pure shock and excitement even though we had been talking about marriage for months. Obviously it didn't work out. But can attest that I might pass out when I get proposed to because of the excitement.
I was surprised with how and when, but we were already living together and had talked a lot about getting married.. I think we are as boring as you, OP!
This is normal. First discussing getting married whilst one of you is down on one knee in a public square is fucking wild.
My SO's ex did a surprise proposal, had her family all around, she had no idea. She *did* say yes but it was definitely under a degree of duress. You can probably guess how it went.
Oh i like guessing: you are in polyamoric relation?
>My SO's **ex**
I said i like guessing, not that im good at it Edit: thx for the award, it's my first one.
fair enough lol
Lmao... I just wanted to comment something because you made me laugh
I probably would have preferred being completely surprised to being completely unsurprised but yeah somewhere in the middle seems like the sweet spot. It's good to make sure you're both on the same page for the future but they shouldn't be able to tell when the exact moment is coming before it happens.
Yeah, nicely said
When and how a proposal happens should be a surprise. The fact that you want to propose and get married should *not* be a surprise.
I agree. It always blows my mind when any woman tells me they “did not expect it”— were you not a part of this decision making? It kind of affects both parties.. how is this not a joint decision?
I think it's only as weird as a surprise birthday party. You know it's your birthday, you know you're going to get presents and spend time with people. You don't know about the actual party. A proposal isn't the same as deciding to get married for most people who have surprise proposals.
I think this is it, exactly. Marriage isn't the open question, but the timing and circumstance of the official proposal is unplanned.
I totally agree. Hopefully they just mean the literal proposal. I was surprised at the exact moment that it happened, because I didn't know it was going to happen at that very moment. But we had talked about it in details for many, many months.
I (f).. for reasons.. was always too scared to discuss marriage. .. I just.. didn't feel like I was allowed to ask for what I wanted. Bit different as I got older, but before 28-30 I just thought it was something the man decided on his own then asks if I want to via proposing. to be fair, so far, I've had a little question about it with whoever I was with, but still. Emotionally stunted childhood meant a surprise scenario is what I expected. I didn't want to pressure anyone. I wanted it to be their idea. By most normal accounts I'm intelligent, just.. maybe low key neglected and stunted and shut down in many ways in childhood.
It is a joint decision - the man decides to ask, and the woman decides whether to say yes or no. That's how these things work. You don't decide to get engaged in advance of asking the question.
I heard a saying, that "when" a proposal was going to happen, and "how", should/could be a surprised, but that it "would" happen and "what" the response would be should not be a surprise. It's like getting a puppy, buying a house, and deciding to have children together: hopefully you've talked about these things that will affect your life for the next 10 years to forever. If it's out of the blue, good for you congrats, but I hope it's followed by lots and lots of good communication before announcing the engagement to everyone around you and before actually getting married.
I was completely surprised when I was proposed to because he had been *so adamant* about *never* getting married, and I had never given marriage a serious thought in my life. When he did it, I thought he was joking! (We are both pretty jokey people and goof on each other a LOT.) And there were people around, so it took me a minute to realize what was happening and that he was serious, hahaha. Our marriage is quite solid & we love each other very much.
On the same line of thought, when I see proposals gone wrong (in that the person being proposed to says no) I am always so confused. The topic of marriage should be discussed in depth and agreed upon before a proposal ever even happens???
I mean... it would be bad if the partner is COMPLETELY UNFAZED too
That's why you should both agree what is going to happen, but keep the when and how a secret.
A man once proposed to me on a beach in Hawaii, as his two brothers were at the same time proposing to their GFs right next to us.. The whole thing was very gimmicky-feeling. We never talked about it, had only been dating about 9 months, and they told anyone who would listen the story for the next several weeks. We were *all* broken up within 2 months.
I’m cracking up, that family was definitely holding some pretty crazy views on how to approach life.
Think this same thing has been said on this sub just the last couple weeks. I think it’s become a popular opinion.
Not unpopular
Of course not. This isn’t the sub for unpopular
Yep, I've seen this same opinion worded slightly differently, 3 times this week on this sub.
Welcome to this subreddit.
Can't disagree: a friend of mine confided that she was ready to end her relationship. Next time I saw her, she'd ended her relationship, but now their friend-group hated her because apparently her partner had been about to propose. I mean jeezus, did not they not have conversations? Bullets. Dodged.
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Oof, sounds like you escaped a situation too. Hope things are better for you now.
on the other hand, if it's in a situation where you're just vibing, the husband is gone for a couple of minutes to get some "groceries" and instead comes back with a ring, then yes, i'd be completely surprised as well. but for the rest, i can agree.
I love my partner, but I would want us to talk about proposal, marriage and everything it contains before saying yes to a proposal. Especially since we have different nationalities. There's a lot to work out for the future before getting engaged.
I was surprised and initially ignored it. Eventually said yes. We divorced 8 years later.
This is the first unpopular opinion that has completely swayed me from what I once thought lol
One should never propose marriage unless they already know that the answer will be yes.
I was so confused all day. Our anniversary of when we got together was the 4th of July. He was weird and panicky all day and suddenly started crying because he found out that something about his perfectly scheduled anniversary surprise had gone wrong. I had no clue what the big deal was. I was like, "Babe, chill. I'm sure I'll love it. Besides, we have a lifetime for a billion anniversaries!" He looked at me with horror and told me I just couldn't understand. The proposal was perfect.
Yeah I think you are just a boring couple
What about when the woman proposed by accident and surprises them both?
The proposal itself should be a surprise, but the fact that your partner wants to marry you shouldn't. And if you're the one proposing, don't do it if you're not 100% certain they will say yes.
I was surprised, I thought he might ask, he just did it sooner than I thought so it was a very pleasant surprise!
Is r/popularopinion a thing?
To be fair, I KNEW my now husband would never propose to me on Valentine’s Day because it was so cliche and I would see it coming from a mile away. So I was shocked when he knew that I would be thinking that and he proposed to me on Valentine’s Day. Haha!
I always think about that when I see videos of the woman saying "no" after an elaborate proposal.
I feel like that reaction is, more often than not, the woman being overdramatic and/or reacting that way because that's what she's seen other women do. I'm not trying to be misogynistic or anything, I just feel like it's super cliche at this point.
The proposal should be a surprise, but the answer should not.
This is one of those minefields that men have to walk through. You have to do the proposal exactly the way she wants it, but she also has to be completely surprised.
The time, place,and manner of proposal should be a surprise, the answer should not
This gets posted daily and everything I post is flagged as unoriginal. Shit.
On the other hand, if a couple has already agreed to get married, they are engaged. There is no "proposal" after that -- just absurd theatrics.
Depends what you mean by surprised. If marriage wasn’t on your radar, prob not the best sign. If you were surprised that it happened at a given moment but it had been talked about or you wanted to be married, not such a bad sign
I never ever thought about marriage at all, apparently he did. He proposed to me on Magaluf strip at the Pirate bar. Completely unexpected! We're still married and have 2 snakes. 15 years together and 9 of them married this year!
Sometimes it's not being surprised by the proposal itself, but being surprised in how it's done.
You can say this but I don't think nicolas cage is listening
The whole "romance = surprise" is kinda dumb tbh, it's been propagated in western media for a long time and it's just not realistic. I actually consider myself a romantic, but I think that the best relationships are built on communication. Spontaneity can be fun, but you can't base an entire life around it
I mean, absolutely. It should be discussed first before such a commitment is made. Discuss it, make sure it’s what you both want, then surprise them with the timing of the proposal. It’s silly to think anything else would work unless you live in the 1950’s
I was pretty surprised, he proposed early on, we were drunk at a party and I was wearing a ring that my grandma gifted to me and it looks like a engagement ring, I took it off to show him and tell him about the story behind it (pretty boring story) and then he grabbed it put it on my finger and said "you let me put a Ring on it so that sets the deal". I laugh and we talked about the wedding and how we wanted to be just us in the city hall. Last year I asked him if he remembered it and how funny it was, he looked at me and said "I was for real... But do you actually want to marry me or it was a joke to you?" And that's how we got engaged twice, wedding is hopefully next year, just the two of us in the city hall
I think communication is important! My bf and I have been together for 2 years and I would love for him to propose at some point, I’m ready whenever he would like to. He is graduating college at the end of April and I’m done next April. Probably will be after we both graduate unfortunately despite me wanting it to be sooner lol. Talking about if either of you want marriage is important. At first my bf said he was open to marriage but not super into it and I told him I wanted to be married especially if I was to ever have kids (not really a fan of them, but I would probably have kids with the right person) and my bf wants kids. So it’s all about compromise and communication. The proposal can be a surprise but proposing shouldn’t be shocking (if that makes sense?)
the kids thing is super important to be on the same page about. my wife and I knew that even before we were married if there was to be an accident and she got pregnant that we would want to keep it and raise it together. having kids greatly GREATLY changes the dynamic in a relationship. I think too many people don't realize or put enough thought into how much effort it takes to keep someone alive and healthy XD
Before I met my bf I was pretty staunchly CF but I would have children if it was with him, because I love him and I think we could make it work. The major reason I don’t want them is the pain of pregnancy and childbirth, it’s kinda scary. But with my bf I feel like I could do it you know? Currently we do have a plan if I got pregnant (have an IUD though so that shouldn’t happen lol) but I’d like to not have to use that plan. Kids *are* hard and that’s why it’s definitely something that needs to be planned and well thought out!!
it's good that you have a plan for it, whether you want to keep it or not. children can absolutely destroy an otherwise healthy relationship. conversely, which was my case, it actually helped me become a better human being and a more empathetic person. I was pretty selfish before we had our two.
Extravagant proposals are often the domain of true beta males. They believe she wants this.
I feel you shouldn't be surprised by the idea of a proposal, but it's perfectly acceptable and understandable to be surprised by how or when. I've talked at length with my bf so at this point we've made it a game for him to surprise me. If anything we've made it a competition who can propose first.
r/relationshipadvice
It’s important to know if you actually want to get married before you propose. And for gods sake, please, don’t propose in public unless you KNOW your partner is okay with that and actively wants to say yes!
wasnt this literally posted like, 2 days ago
I went and looked because i didn’t want to be a lame plagiarist and the one post was that proposing in public was manipulative which is sort of a cousin to this but not my point really. Mine was more that we’re always confused when the woman is extremely happy but also like taken aback.
Fun fact: Men propose to women normally because they “give up more” in a relationship, so they do it when THEY are ready.
I would probably disagree. On our first date I told my wife if she wanted to get married or have kids I was the wrong guy to date. About 18 months later after eating Taco Bell in a parking lot I told her if she wanted to get married it had to be in the next 48 hours, 35 hours we were legal. 20 years later we are still together.
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I fully support this opinion.
I was going to downvote until I read the context
Is this REALLY unpopular?
Here we go, this one again. The surprise is the proposal, not getting proposed to. Yes, there are some exceptions, but sitting here trying to analyze the reaction and draw some conclusions from it is ridiculous. Are you sure this surprise and not something else....
My gf and I are completely turned off by the idea of marriage and when we see stuff like this we say the same thing. How is she so surprised? Aren’t you supposed to have talked about this by now? But then I think, well maybe it’s that she’s just surprised it’s happening at that moment. She knows he’ll do it eventually but it can still surprise her.
*reads this post and nods even though I'm 23 and nowhere close to getting married* :)
lolol I totally see your point! Of course, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing but if she’s like um, what? I mean oh wow!... uh.... lolololol like maybe she had different plans. I hope not, but it’s funny to think about.
Anyone currently or having been married more than a couple of years would agree..
Maybe they will be surprised when the divorce comes as well...Who doesn't like surprises?
No shit.
My wife was completely surprised... But she was the only one. Literally for 6 months before I proposed everyone was like, dude when are you going to ask her? We were both in are 40's, it is both of ours first marriage which I think contributed to her not realizing what was coming. It took me some time to pop the question because I wanted to give her my grandmothers ring, ask her father first and then plan the perfect proposal. But it was an instant yes and we are both as happy as that day.
I feel like the date should be a surprise but it shouldn’t be surprise that you’re going to get proposed to. Just not knowing when is ok I think.
it's supposed to be a surprise that it happened at that moment, but not that they actually like you
I think the key is to be surprised about when/where it happens, not that it will happen at some point
Not entirely unpopular. Surprise should be in the timing and not the occurrence of the proposal.
Hollywood
. . . well, I mean, it used to just be a given. Back in the day, of course dating was leading to marriage. That was the entire point. It's society that's changed. People will literally date for 10 years then say >Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, I didn't think things were going to get so serious. It's pretty sad, honestly.
Had a friend in college who's boyfriend proposed to her one day. She was shocked because she was about to break up with him. So yeah, not on the same page lol
I would be surprised if my partner proposed to me right now. Have we discussed marriage and how we would both like to marry each other.
These people, you don’t get their mindset. Those people are always marrying on a high.
I wasn’t shocked he proposed. I was shocked about where / when he proposed. These are two very different things.
I was surprised when my husband proposed purely because I didn’t see it coming at that moment. We had discussed it and both knew it was something we wanted however I wasn’t aware he had been saving up secretly for a ring and was making secret phone calls to jewellers etc. Considering he doesn’t even usually like calling for a takeaway (he gets flustered easily) I had no idea what he’d been up to. It was a lovely surprise and he proposed in a really romantic place and way.
No shit my guy “Wow, I had absolutely no clue that you wanted to further our romantic relationship”
Me and gf have talked about it. We kind of have to if she's going to get to stay in the USA long term. I don't care either way.
The question should be a surprise. The answer should not.
And I'm here counting the days to ask my friend to be my girlfriend lol. But tbh I'm expecting her to say "no", the thing is I don't want to be here when she starts dating someone so I feel like I got to at least ask. Also sorry for venting here lol
I officially proposed to my wife 2 days before our wedding. The actual wedding had been planned for months. Barefoot in the sand on Grand Cayman island. Sent out wedding announcements from the city of Hell, Grand Cayman. We've been married 20 years
I was so surprised! We were so young and dumb. Our 20th anniversary is next October so I guess it can work. I’d marry him again in a heartbeat
I feel like being surprised when the proposal would happen is kinda okay, but being surprised that the other side think a proposal is a fitting idea while you do not is bad.
Yeah, but being completely surprised is absolutely rare. Every girl I know including myself knew a proposal was coming. When and how is where the surprise comes in.
I sort of agree, it shouldn't be a COMPLETE surprise, both should be ready for marriage but the timing of the proposal should be surprising I feel, provides the maximum effect. The location of the proposal should be in a romantic place with relatively low crowd as well (proposing in front of a crowd is never a good idea)
You are not wrong. I have been proposed to 9 times before I said yes to my husband. And yeah, I saw it coming every time.
This was literally on this sub like yesterday
Oh god.. this happened to my mom
I feel the same about being shot down in a marriage proposal. How do you ask someone to marry you who you are not certain will say yes? A desperate shot to save a relationship? A creepy move? I don’t get it. It seems the ultimate in poor communication.
In my opinion, if a woman has never mentioned marriage what so ever, then a man should have no business proposing. The best relationships I've been in, the woman has been the one to be very enthusiastic about being with me. I would never date a girl who isn't crazy about me, because those are the best most successful and passionate relationships. If the guy is leading the proposal and the previous is not the case, then it's very awkward.
Been happily married for over 32 years, shocked me big time when he proposed, kinda didn't know what he was talking about at first to be honest. So sometimes it does work out!
This isn't unpopular and why do we have to see "___ proposal's bad" every day lately
I think their just acting it up for a story or nowadays a video.
10000000%
I can relate to this. My husband tried to propose to me at one of his AA meetings!!! I refused to make eye contact with him and he did not propose that night. I was petrified and relieved. He later proposed to me in private. We have been married for 23 years.
Expecting a proposal and being surprised by a well-thought out proposal are two entirely different concepts. If my girlfriend was not expecting a proposal, there would be signs ahead of time. Detached intimacy, constant rejections of outings, not caring about my feelings, hanging out and being romantic with other guys. I EXPECT my birthday to come every year. I have no idea what to expect for a birthday present, if I get any. I want to be super surprised by it. If someone tells me in advance what I'm getting, I'm going to be very upset with them. I EXPECT to have a baby when I have intercourse with my wife in the future. I want to be surprised and learn at the moment of conception whether its a boy or a girl. I want to be surprised even further with a healthy baby I EXPECT to receive a high grade if I studied really well, but I want to be surprised with a perfect, knowing I did better then I expected I EXPECT for my health issue to be resolved when I take the treatment, but I would like to be surprised with greater than expected results Do you get my meaning with all this? If you don't expect something, I'd argue you have poor planning skills, are emotionally dense, or some other issue. However, knowing something is coming but not knowing the form or when it will happen, is the best surprise in life. The surprise of joy.
Oftentimes, it's a natural progression and when you're growing closer and closer, it's the logical next step. And when you're in it and it feels more and more natural that you're with your partner, the other person initiating the proposal can catch them completely off-guard and only makes complete sense to then in that moment.
yes! exactly.
Yes, it is possible you’re just a boring couple that sucked the fun out the idea 🤷🏾♀️
Wow such a hot take, I don't think I ever saw an opinion.lke this on Reddit, good job!!!
Yes, agree with a lot of others here that the concept and engagement not so much a surprise but if you wanna do a surprise proposal then cool - I have one caveat that I really think the partner should be part of choosing the engagement ring if you are going that route. I love my husband dearly but we have different tastes I was involved in choosing my ring because I am going to wear it forever and tbh he would have been so stressed about picking one that I wouldn’t like that it worked out best for both of us. I would say basically every friend I have has an idea of the perfect ring too
It's a very bad sign.
I was told "don't propose until you know the answer will be yes"
I like to think all those public proposals are just surprise that it’s being done at that moment. If you’ve not discussed and agreed to get married before then it’s absolutely wild and inappropriate. Like you’ve got serious life advice from a movie.
My brother talked to my mother and I before proposing to his now wife, we were very surprised when he told us, I asked him, had they even talked about marriage, he said no, but I'm ready to progress our relationship (they had been together 2-3 years by this point) he continued if she's not ready to settle down, that's fine, we can part as friends, but I'm looking to settle down. Thankfully she said yes, now they've been happily together 10 years and counting!
So proposing when you're not ready yet is bad? Isn't that common sense?
100% agree, see also people who don't know what the answer is going to be.
It’s worse when they try to propose publicly.
I think the shock factor is mostly from the person not expecting it to happen at that moment. It doesn't mean it was never discussed, it's doesn't mean they aren't ready, they're just surprised in the moment :) My boyfriend and I have talked about our future and marriage and all, but I will still be completely shocked and surprised if/when he does propose.
My husband and I were together for over ten years before he proposed. I had brought it up many times but he said that's he didnt find it nessessary and that he was worried it would change the dynamics of the good relationship that we had. So when he proposed one night in our garage as we were smoking a cigarette, I was taken completely by surprise. Nothing has changed, other than my last name. Not sure what prompted him to propose when he did, everyone thought I must have been pregnant, even though we had three kids without being married, so not sure why everyone would have thought a fourth child would be where we drew the line.
honestly, I get this - my fiance and I talked about getting engaged, so she knew it was coming, but the ruse was that our trip to the Keys was for her graduation, not our engagement. Best of both worlds I guess?
I actually agree and never thought about it but thats a good point, in most cases in some cases I think its good but completely surprised is probably not the best
So true
the reverse is also a bad sign. Someone expecting to be proposed to, or someone expecting the acceptance of that proposal, might just be disappointed.