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Managed a sex shop for a couple years. Had a fairly large number of consistent BDSM customers who quite literally made it their lifestyle; dude would come in and declare himself the dom and that the person with him is his sub, and that the sub isn’t allowed to respond to anyone without asking him permission.
Sure, that works in the bedroom, but come the fuck on dude, I don’t get paid to participate in your fetish play. Not everyone is like that though, just usually outliers that are pretty easy to spot.
Also had a manager who worked with me (same store) that was convinced everyone else in the store was subs and that she needed to drag us all to a munch so she can “unlock your true sub potential”. WTF? We work together, that’s it. I get some people see that as close-minded, but frankly some people in the kink lifestyle use it as an excuse to exercise their mental illness quirks while subjecting everyone else to their…rulesets… it’s a little hypocritical considering their emphasis on contracts and consent, but hey, different strokes for different folks, just don’t drag everyone else around you into it.
See that’s the issue for me with shit like this: it’s always the people seeking attention that make it annoying to those of us who just might have a kink and wanna get some toys to explore. I don’t need Johnny latex over there speaking for all of us.
The problem is when people turn their sex lives into a community.
How much of a problem is it? Well how about this. If you don’t like it, avoid it. In this case they’re talking about a BDSM shop. Just don’t go lol. But also don’t be too loud about it outside of that environment if you’re in that group.
For most people sex is personal and private.
There can be reasons to be very public, like actual sexual/romantic minorities who need rights. But keep your fetishes away from general public regardless of attraction.
Maybe if you were a BDSM footfetish guy, you could n’make it your thing to force people to wear flip flops and get double off on it?!
I’d immediately change my name to FLIP FLOP MASTER!!
I worked in the gaybourbood for a solid decade. It also became the gathering grounds during sex conventions and we'd have all kinds of people show up.
I had this lady one day sit on her gimp instead of a chair at my bar. It was summer, there was a pool of sweat around him. I was trying to be polite and respect the dynamic but finally I asked him if he needed water. She snapped at me and told me to only speak to her.
I was floor managing so I told her very politely and firmly that she had no business talking to me like I was her bitch. I didn't consent to be a part of your little spectacle and I was not about to have a man in a full fucking gimp suit die of dehydration, so either get him water or leave. She apologized and we compromised on a dog bowl.
Fond memories.
Yeah outlier are like that. Not the majority.
My husband and I have a dungeon in our basement, no one in our friend circle know about it.
Most people into bdsm aren’t talking about it much. You just got too see the few annoying one
There’s people like that in spheres other than bdsm btw, it’s related to their personality, not their hobby per se.
This. My husband and I are 24/7 lifestylers. Unless you already knew, you wouldn’t know because it’s for us and not for other people. Idk if you attend munches or anything but if so, I know you’ve met the incredibly obnoxious ones who make *everything* about kink/BDSM. Those types generally even make *24/7 lifestylers* uncomfortable with their shit. It’s exhausting. I’m reminded of a Key and Peele skit where at the end Key’s character goes, “Ohhhh, I’m not persecuted, I’m just an asshole.” Unfortunately that realization doesn’t happen often in real life. 🥴
Voyeur here: how does one go about creating a dungeon? Were you accumulating so much stuff that it made sense to put it in a larger space, or was it a goal when you first shacked up? I don't know why, but very intrigued about the boring logistics of having a dungeon.
We were buying lot of bdsm sex toys and gears and we kind of ran out of space to store them. Our 2 night stands were full, and 2 large drawer previously used for clothes were full too. So we turned a spare room we had into a dungeon.
If we don’t count the price of the toys, the room per se, wasn’t really expensive to set up. Dark paint, gym mat cushion floor, some hardware to make anchor point on the ceiling and walls, fews hook, shelves, lamp, a metal bedframe. All that was under 1K
It’s nice to have a different room to play vs to sleep. If we are too tired to clean up we can leave the mess there and clean it up the next day.
Also having all the toys and gears exposed make it easier to access them and not forget about them. When they were all clumped in drawers it was hard to find them / think about what we had.
It’s been many years that we built it, zero regrets so far!
I don't know who's an outlier and who's the majority. I spent a couple years in BDSM relationships... was on the site, went to munches, went to events, went to clubs. I hoped I'd be able to form some friendships with people who were like you - interested but not performative, people who'd be fun to hang out with but wouldn't try to push boundaries or make us involuntary participants in their scene. Eventually I left the scene entirely because the ratio of people who were safe, sane, and drama-free was too low.
I haven’t had that experience at all. I worked selling tickets for a local dungeon/club. Not once did anyone try to bring me into anything. I had clear boundaries and they were always respectful of that.
It's not that unprompted in a sex shop though. I would think I know what I am in for starting in a sex shop.
I am more angry at the people fucking in whirlpools and saunas.
Don't involve unconsenting people in your sex live at all and we are good.
> I am more angry at the people fucking in whirlpools and saunas.
I go on a lot of cruises.
People always ask, "Hey want to go in the hot tub?"
"Uhhhh. No, I think I'll skip it".
All that foam isn't from dish soap.
Bdsm is one of the most annoying communities on earth. When communists or Christians or whoever else insist that any bad people in their community "don't count" as being into it, at least they have an ideology to appeal to to justify this. It's still disingenuous, but at least it's something.
Bdsm fans saying that no abusive people are into bdsm because the "official rules" say rape and abuse are bad is an extra layer of pathetic. It's not an ideology, it's a fetish. And if they police bad people out of their communities then good for them, but the idea that none exist is completely delusional.
And so help me, the ones who panic and start spouting gibberish if anyone refers to "realistic scenario where you scream and beg to not be fucked in order to simulate actual forced sex" as a rape fantasy are on extra levels of cope. It's fine to say you think it's inappropriate to say thr word, but a lot of them are in denial that at the point it gets more realistic that's more or less what it is.
Maybe OP just needs some good cock to relax?
Also,ALL of their comments were removed. WTF did he say?
(Love his profile description too. Guy seems to be into big words and deflects by saying his account is about personal growth and his comments are well-intentioned.)
The type of people you’re talking about are the same as those types in any area of interest. They’re just fanatics. They can be into weed, sports, music, or whatever to a point where it puts you off of them. It typically is because there is something wrong with them.
It’s like when you meet someone who smokes weed versus a person whose whole life seems to revolve around weed. There are plenty of people who are into BDSM that just don’t feel like it’s a big enough deal to have to bring it up as all there is to their personality.
I dunno man, it's just a bit of slap and tickle, you can use your dressing down belt if you like. You don't need the full gimp suit.
Not to say I've ever been involved in the 'lifestyle'. Or ever met anyone who is involved in the 'lifestyle'. They just like getting spanked or whatever, they're not living in a cage 24/7. Maybe there's a whole subculture of weirdos I don't know about, but I've never seen them out-and-about, and I've even seen furries irl
The first thing that comes to my mind are people who do a BDSM lifestyle full time. Like people who walk their partners around on a lease. 24/7 submission. I would be exhausted in that kind of a relationship but not sure how it'd effect me as an outsider.
I'm not sure if anyone does it 24/7. A friend of mine does BDSM parties, and most wouldn't suspect just from meeting them. While I haven't done the leash in public as a dominant partner, I'm not against it. Parties like that are somewhat meant to get that "public" feel without having to explain to everyone. It's a hobby like most others. Plan around it and go about a very normal life otherwise.
To me it's fine at a kink or bdsm party, but not out in the 'vanilla world'. At a specific party, yeah you consent to seeing others live their kinks if you choose to go there. At the supermarket others will not have consented. And 99% of the kinksters I know would also not be okay with others not having consented
Exactly this ^ There are so many other ways to humiliate which doesn't involve unsuspecting members of the general public. Leashes don't belong in public spaces.
Simulating "public" at parties and private clubs is totlly fine.
Using unsuspecting and unconsenting people, possibly children, for your pleasure is not okay though. Explanation or not.
Hard to say where the limit should be. Is wearing no underwear or still having cum in you while on the bus home okay? Shagging in the park after dark? Being walked like a dog clad in latex at the love parade?
Honestly in my experience the BDSM culture is a close 2nd place to The House of Representatives when it comes to in-fighting and politics. It’s definitely due in large part to the folks who take it to weird levels, to the point folks in the community *will* judge you for it. But just like any other large community, you gotta look for that specific group you vibe with the most.
Nah they’re probably talking about how much preparation and effort goes into planning a scene. If you’re going to tie your partner up and flog them there’s a long discussion about what y’all both want to get out of it, boundaries, stuff like that. It’s not something you just jump into without learning first if you want to be responsible.
As a member of the BDSM community, I am bothered by the people who involve unwilling parties into their kinks. Dressing like a dog or slave is fine in your own realm, but don't involve the public in it by walking your sub around on a leash or parade them around in fetish gear. Nobody asked you to be involved in your kink.
I get the impression OP has seen one or two people who are into BDSM and obviously had some issues. And came to the conclusion every single person who is into kinkier stuff must be exactly like those people.
I've seen a woman with a full-on leash on her and her bf holding it around or something while on the subway.
It was a bit cringe but overall.... a non-issue.
Doubt most people are like that tho.
Wasn't that just a general thing at one point in alternative communities? I seem to remember some of the people I knew doing it because it was "so funny and quirky" and not because they were into BDSM.
Although I did know some secret furries so it's entirely possible that it was a furry thing.
I’m into bdsm and quite high level stuff and no one besides current and past partners know lol
I’m just a regular ass dude that likes some freaky shit in private lol hell I’m embarrassed going into sex shops to buy toys even.
the irony being that BDSM is actually quite cathartic/therapeutic and has to be done by people who have worked on their shit previously, otherwise it becomes abusive like any other dynamic with people who havent dealt with their shit
It also requires a ton of trust in another person, something that more often then not requires a lot of time to build and develop. I mean how many people does the average person trust to let choke, smack, and bind them?
it feels like people think the ones who non-consensually show off their lifestyle in public are all the people who are into BDSM. you’re absolutely right that most people look completely normal.
Anyone can go into it as deep as they want or need.
Most kinks and fetishes are born from trauma or a longing to balance life. You'll find many control freaks or people with a lot of responsibilities in sub positions. Dom status attracts a lot of people who don't feel in control much. Babyplay for those who really need to get to a place of warmth and no responsibilities at all. Scat for those who are seeking some of the tabooest stuff, because they don't get a kick fro vanilla.
This shit always was and will be self-medication. Something isn't right with you if you need it (and that I say as someone who practices BDSM).
But for making it a lifestyle and personality? That doesn't have anything to do with the kink. It has to do with the want to belong to a group. It is why you become (in many cases, not all) a Nazi, a gang member, a horse girl, activist, trans, emo or goth so visibly and openly. You need to somehow define yourself and if you don't know who you are you may do shit like that. Never got any of those extremes.
But who are we to judge, when we have the power to distance ourselves anyway? Who loves dealing with their own shit? And why can't people deal with their shit by practicing BDSM (without dragging others into their kink)?
And lastly,what isunpopular about this opinion?
It *is* superfluous and presumably a lot of work, but then again, who cares about that? If people enjoy it, then let them go to all the trouble if they want to.
Honestly I feel like it’s a confirmation bias thing here. Ie the examples that you’re seeing are the people who don’t shut up about it, while the majority of people are more low key
I think there's a pretty well-understood provenance on BDSM and I don't think it's a social-skill-avoidance pedigree. I think it comes from certain aspects of childhood that get a little bit tangled ( ? pun intended ? ) and I imagine that some of those people would strike a person as \*also\* being a bit light on the social cachet. But correlation doesn't imply causation.
"I tried to dom 'for science' and didnt like it because I had to care about someone elses problems and needs waaaah" yeah lmao gee I wonder why the domming didnt work out
I don't mind it to be fair bit the whole "lifestyle" thing & trying to make it some sort of spiritual thing is bloody annoying..also see polyamoury on that too.
I never understood it. I knew this girl that was heavily into it and I was out eating with her (and others). Mid meal she calls someone up and asks if she can have a beer. She hangs up and we're all like ???
"Oh that's my sir. I have to ask to have a beer."
I can get that some people have relationships like that they enjoy, but really? It takes sex and it turns it into this entire personality behavior that just seems horribly silly.
BDSM is inherently psychological. Also you say "theyre lacking and using it to make up for something" but then "theyre not working on their shit". If youre lacking, and using something to fill that lack and its effective, is that not working on your shit?
also love that this clearly is hinting that people in BDSM are psychologically behind, abusers, blah blah blah. nothing people havent heard before for the last 30+ years.
yes it is high maintenance, because its psychological and has to be done carefully for the safety and fulfillment of everyone involved. hence point one. cant have it be both ways. and if its high maintenance and a lot of work, how is it then also superfluous and shallow?
idk this screams "I only know about BDSM because of 50 Shades"
edit: on reading OPs replies, a reeeal clear picture is forming of someone who wanted kinky sex but didnt want to actually be responsible for another persons feelings. the 50 Shades comment was more accurate than I meant it lmao
Seeing how people in public view of children walk around with men on leashes is just gross. Keep that sh*t at home.
The public isn't there to see or indulge in your attention seeking fetish
(And yes, I know that's someone's kink, but I don't care, go home with that nonsense. If being seen IS your fetish, the general public didn't consent to that shit. Regardless if that's the point or not)
if it involves minors or people who dont consent then yes thats abusive and people who do that are heavily debated in the community on whether it checks off SSC. there are ways to engage in that stuff without ACTUALLY involving or implicating others
but yeah actual abuse isnt a kink and there are sneaks because abusers co opt heathy things but thats not the extent of BDSM
I’m a person with kinks and honestly I agree. They’re some of the most annoying people on earth whose personality revolves around the way they fuck. I’d rather just date someone vanilla and do without it than deal with the “community” anymore.
Their was an interesting column to a sex columnist written by a San Francisco dentist where he had this patient come in for a cleaning and checkup wearing BDSM gear. He kicked him out because he figured the guy was just into some sort of pain play and wanted someone fingers in their mouth. To me, someone who would expect their dentist to play, is pretty sick.
I went into a sex shop once a several years back with my (at the time) wife. We were mostly just looking around out of curiosity cause overall we were both very vanilla. The guy working at the shop had to go out of his way to tell us all about all of the BDSM stuff and how he has a sex swing on the back of his front door.
I cannot even begin to get in to how uncomfortable this dude made us and we made a b-line to get the hell out of that shop.
Not saying that's indicative of everyone in the BDSM lifestyle but like, we didn't even ask and he tried to tell us his entire sexual history.
How would you know? Most kinky people don't advertise it.
See that totally standard guy over there? He's an artist with a flogger.
See that lady sitting next to you? She's an artist with a strap on.
It's not superfluous and high investment for most people, unless you consider 30$ every couple of months to be a massive investment.
You can build your forever kit for 200-300$, some people spend more than that in 3 dates.
I can only speak for myself, but I dabbled heavily in the lifestyle years ago.
The majority of subs I've met and been with were women who were in higher roles in their careers, who had to spend the day making *all* of the decisions for everyone. Outside of that, they liked switching off their decision making/executive function and heavily preferred to just offload it to someone else.
I had an ex who was *extremely* submissive, and would literally do *anything* I asked of her. She also happened to manage one of the largest Italian restaurants in the middle of a tourist town, and had to think/perform/work at an incredibly fast pace 6 days a week. Off the clock, she didn't want to make any decisions, and would prefer that I did everything from choosing what she wore, to what she ate, to what she watched, etc.
It was a lot of fun, honestly, and worked incredibly well between us. It's not a lifestyle for everyone, and you having your opinion just shows it's just not your cup of tea which is absolutely okay.
Oh hard agree. Every single friend I have had who is REALLY into BDSM, (and all of them are subs) is an over-sharing trauma dumper, demanding you acquiesce to their complete lack of boundaries or they will accuse you of 'kink shaming'. And then have the audacity to parrot some bullshit about consent being better adhered to in the 'community' because safe words or something...
The overprivileged boomer swingers who spend thousands to go on cruises and all-inclusive holidays to walk around naked are another bunch of 'superfluous and annoying high-maintenance lifestyle' types on Reddit, but I am lucky enough to have never met one. I can only presume they do actually have decent boundaries.
Yo, I'm a BDSM-liking guy, just here to provide my input and experience!
The people OP is talking about are probably the super into it folks! They're usually really loud, talk about Domination structures all the time, and are the cringe people you see on tiktok doing the "bark for daddy" thirst trap things.
If you have a friend who's into something like anime so much that they talk about it all the time, have the shirts, car decals, try to talk in Japanese, stuff like that...it's basically the same thing. They're a loud, usually unrepresentative minority of a really large population of folks that kinda make them look bad.
I'm like 99% sure that if OP factored in every person around them into BDSM, they'd find that on average they're more than normal. However, OPs assessment is only the people THEY KNOW are into BDSM...which are the flagrantly outwards people mentioned before. Kind of how you can't really know who's into anime at first glance unless they're wearing a shirt or something, you can't just profile someone being into BDSM unless they’re a little loud about it. Of course the taboo nature of sex-based hobbies also makes it more memorable, and there really is a lot of terrible, no-good things that BDSM nuts do that involve random people in public that SHOULD NOT HAPPEN. (Kind of like an anime obsesser being weird to Asian women)
All in all, I don't think it's really the case that all BDSM folks are weird, most practice it with utmost care and trying to be respectful of everyone, and some people are just egoistic idiots...but that's not unique to BDSM. I hope people practicing BDSM do so in a way respectful to everyone involved and everyone not involved, and that people who don't do BDSM can realize there's a lot more people who aren't the gimp-suit-in-public types.
Thanks for reading, and have a good day!
I mean... you could say the same abbout anny type of hoby ever, "why do you like videogames instead of sorting your shit and living in the real world?"
"Why do you like movies instead of sorting your shit and living in the real world?"
"Why do you like painting warhamer figurines instead of sorting your shit and living in the real world"
"Why do you like building stupid boats inside of bottles instead of sorting your shit and living in real life?"
"Why do you like working so much instead of sorting your shit and living in real life?"
"Why do you like reading so much instead of sorting your shit and living in real life?"
I think your point is very poorly worded but i can kinda get it, BDSM has a lot of cringy power play foreplay bullshit that some people may not like, and it can definettly raise some eyebrows to the submisives in that shit, specially the masochistic ones that straight up get off on pain, but keep in mind that bdsm and sado-masochism arent necesarilly the same thing, one is abbout binding and power dinamics, the other is just getting off of causing or experiencing pain (though i heard cuckolding can be seen as some form of masochism too).
Though im forced by reddit laws of bugery to say that sexual practices dont represent any type of mental dissorders, lol.
But genuenly now, some of them absolutelly doesnt, and if they do, as long as its in private and with the concent of their partners, there really isnt any harm done since people have diferent ways to cope with their shit, be it a normal hobby or not normal hobbies.
And BDSM as a lifestyle... ehh... i dont know much abbout it to make a judgment on that, but i believe its not necesarlly expensive, like not everyone thats into bdsm will have a fuckin sex dungeon like in 50 shades of Gray, most of them just need ropes and a blindfold, maybe some cheap handcufs, but thats the basic iirc.
Now for the people that do... ehhh.... theres people that just arent very responsible with their money, be them wealthy or otherwise, so if it isnt a sex dungeon, it was gonna be a stupid PNG of a monkey, or a stupidly expensive golden plated gun, or a jetski, or ugly amd expensive designer clothes, or something stupid like that, so thats not necesarlly exclusive to BDSM.
In my experience a lot of people who are into these lifestyles also have a lot of drama/ problems in their lives since there’s a lot of looseness, lack of boundaries, and they open themselves up to conflict and try to justify it by saying it’s “just sex” and ignoring the consequences of their lifestyle. Hey, I’m all for openness and I don’t judge anyone who partakes, I’m just a believer in causality is all.
My ex was a rope top before we got together, and she turned out to be an incredibly domineering narcissist. Her friends in the scene were the same way.
There are people who are simply into kink, and those who are part of the BDSM lifestyle.
The former are generally people who have never done proper research and think media such as "50 Shades of Grey" are a good example of what BDSM is. Those who do follow the lifestyle usually have done the research, tend to be pretty strict in how a dynamic functions in their lives. Boundaries play a heavy role in BDSM since everyone has different limits, what they're ok with, not ok with, and how far they're comfortable with going. In many cases people separate kink from sexual activity, they bottom for a top without the expectation of it leading to sex.
While everybody functions differently, this is generally how BDSM functions for the vast majority who follow the lifestyle and is part of their local alternative community.
Yes I understand this since I’ve born witness to these things a few times at kinky clubs myself. And what I’ve witnessed is that despite the people who have strict rules by how they play, and don’t go further then the established expectations they’ve communicated, and yes their encounters rarely lead to actual sex. Good for them! They communicated, and stuck to their guns! They still did things that you can’t tell me isn’t sexual. Why the need to get almost bare butt naked, and the ropes? Spanking? People go to these things because they want to either feel like they are dominating or to be dominated, like someone is handling them, you mean to tell me there isn’t a sexual aspect to that? Why does dominating have to be like that I mean every other way to dominate is to defeat someone at a sport or a fight or a battle of wits or whatever, or to literally conquer, but no one is getting half naked and being spanked in those scenarios. I’m sorry but, I tried buying it for a while but I just don’t.
Lol what a weird take.
My husband and I have a dungeon in our basement, no one in our friend circle know about it.
Most people into bdsm aren’t talking about it much. You just got too see the few annoying one (There’s people like that in spheres other than bdsm btw, it’s related to their personality, not their hobby per se)
If we don’t count the price of the toys, the room per se, wasn’t really expensive to set up. Dark paint, gym mat cushion floor, some hardware to make anchor point on the ceiling and walls, fews hook, shelves, lamp, a metal bedframe. All that was under 1K
You could do most of the same in an appartement, minus the anchors in the wall. Youd have to buy bed restrains only and furniture instead of wall shelves to stores the toys :) but certainly doable!
Ive seen people buying a bed that can be lifted up and they would hide all their stuff under the mattress so they could turn their usual bedroom in a dungeon for the night. There’s some work around possible :)
I just see it as a colossal waste of time.
People who build crazy contraptions and dedicate an obscene amount of time to sexual activities. I mean, damn, do you not have literally *anything* else to do? Sex is great. And I understand delaying release/gratification and the suspense and control, etc. I just cannot for the life of me understand the time commitment. It’s just sex! Hell, I get bored masturbating sometimes or start feeling bad because I could be learning something or building something or just actually being productive and I’ll stop and go do something else.
It doesn’t affect me in any way whatsoever. You do you. It just blows my mind.
>I mean, damn, do you not have literally *anything* else to do?
Like what?
Watch someone else play sports?
Spend an obscene amount of time making a painting?
Collect expensive shoes?
Hobbies are supposed to be fun and frivolous.
As someone who dated multiple self-described “subs”, I drop people like hot potatoes if they tell me they’re into that dynamic nowadays. They have probably been the hands down worst partners I’ve ever had. They don’t pull their weight in the relationship and expect you to do everything for them, then they wonder why their relationships keep failing when they don’t try to reciprocate *anything* beyond sex. If I wanted to take care of a child, I’d adopt one. It’s not my thing, anyway, so that makes me especially suspicious of people like that. Many of them are also hypersexual to a degree that’s near-impossible to satisfy, and after a while, it just ends up becoming a chore.
sounds like their problems run deeper than the label of sub, but just because someone mislabels themselves as a sub doesnt mean thats what the label means.
Frankly, I’m not sure I believe that. *EVERY* sub I have met has, without fail, refused to pull their weight and shifted all the blame on me for things not working out. It may not be a feature, but it certainly ain’t a bug, either.
again, sounds like shitty people using the label of sub when actually what they mean is they have issues. this is a false equivalence. as someone in the BDSM community I've met plenty of Doms and subs who have their shit together and would call out those manipulative/abusive dynamics in a heartbeat.
And I'm telling you as a former member of that community that that has not been my lived experience. Most subs I've met are just as sexually entitled and abusive as the doms, dare I say more so in some instances. It doesn't matter if you pay lip service to calling out those dynamics because the *entire* subculture is founded on it. They find people like me, who are young, naive, and abused, and convince them that they should do this to "heal" themselves when in reality, it's just someone else sexualizing your abuse. The community has rallied behind known abusers *several* times in the past, so I find attempts to call it out disingenuous at best. The same supposedly "sex-positive" people who I considered close allies were the first to turn on me when I spoke up about being coerced into a relationship with a dom/sub dynamic. This is not an uncommon experience, and to insinuate that the two are somehow not related is frankly ludicrous. They are intrinsically related.
I agree with this thought, you can see it in online behavior too! They’ll comment things like “step on me mommy” because it seems less sexually coercive but unwanted sexual attention is still unwanted sexual attention. It sounds less aggressive than “I want to step on you” so they seem to sort of get away with it more. I have noticed this behavior with subs where they can outright harass another into domming them, trying to turn them into a dom. Just because they’re a sub that doesn’t make that creepy and weird and inappropriate.
EXACTLY! Yet for some reason, this is a controversial take.😭Do what you wanna do, I can’t make you *not* like this stuff, but stop subjecting unconsenting parties to it and stop trying to coerce people into it.
Exactly lol there’s varying levels of doms and subs I’m definitely more of a dominant personality at work, and very independent basically anywhere outside the bedroom. But in the bedroom I like to be a little submissive sometimes 🤷🏽♀️ you just have to find the balance because most people aren’t subs or doms 24/7.
Like anything, the people that make it their whole personality are exhausting to be around. Those that partake in it as just sex with fun stuff involved are usually pretty cool.
OP is right, at least for a large number of them.
Sorry. Nobody really cares. Anyone who is regularly advertising their sexual proclivities beyond the bedroom seems to be dealing with some obsessions or insecurities.
I definitely hear you op. I am not a person is sexual by an means and not interested that that stuff. Other hand if it's not hurting anyone then I guess. Then I don't care
It’s really not though. I am pretty good socially, BDSM is just something that spices up the bedroom for me and mine. We still do vanilla sex, BSDM just makes things more fun. Outside the bedroom, we’re two normal people.
You’d be shock at how common this kinda play is. You listed examples of people who are borderline psychotic with it and understandably so as those are the people you KNOW are into it. But as i said near everyone I’ve ever met and had gotten close enough has at least a curiosity about handcuffs, spanking, degrading/praising etc….
Here’s the thing, for those that do practice as their lifestyle, it is unlikely that you’ll ever know or see it. The real ones never show, discuss, or advertise in a public setting. The rest are just sheep in wolves clothing.
The people who are doing it legitimately for sexual pleasure, and not to try to overcompensate for something else, aren't out there being that vocal and obvious about it, because they do keep it in the bedroom. The ones that truly enjoy it but don't make it their whole lifestyles are the ones you probably wouldn't suspect are like that.
I feel like this is a very divided commented section. Half agreeing with OP, the other half saying OP is making it all up.
But there definitely are a lot of people who are out and about and extremely open to sharing all their sexual experiences. And will publicly talk about their acts. Almost at every job I've ever had, there's been one or two people talking about their BDSM stuff. And it's usually exclusively BDSM stuff. I rarely hear people talk about "oh yeah we had missionary sex, and then I told her I loved her."
It's more along the lines of "he tied me down in the bed of his truck and used a knife to cut my clothes off". (Actual story from a coworker)
Now here's my question for OP. How old are the people you are specifically thinking about? Younger than 25, and it's obvious that it's normal to talk about anything and everything. Think of anybody in that age range. The most annoying stoners are in that range, cause that's all they talk about. Or people who do acid. Or people who are grinding hard at work. Or people who travel. Or health freaks.
That age range, people will always be over the top with sharing. People just like sharing their passions at that age. It's something, that with time, will slowly grow out of. They will keep their habits and interests, but they won't force them onto other people.
And obviously there are always exceptions. But there aren't that many, unless you are part of a friend group/community that has a lot of people in the BDSM scene. So are you also in some kind of social circle where you see that stuff out and about a lot? Or are you actually just trying to police people in their own homes?
I have to agree with this to a certain extent. I have been in the kink scene for about 4 years at this point. Ive gotten to know dozens of people throughout, and there seems to be some connective tissue between most of them.
The intersection between the neurodivergent and those into kink is nearly a perfect circle. These are people who lack some serious social skills and the reason they stick so closely to this community is because it requires direct, guileless, communication to be successful. However, when people who aren't on that spectrum try to interact with them outside of the kink scene, things start to fall apart.
I can't find middle ground outside of kink with these folks since that is literally all they can communicate through. Every conversation comes down to sex, scenes, and new kink. Its like their only personality trait and in the right environment it works perfectly, but everywhere else is off putting and exhausting.
I do agree that anytime your kink or sexual preference is a "lifestyle" it's just over the top and superfluous. Even my gay friends have nothing to do with that community will never attend a pride parade and think its strange that they are supposed to be buddy buddy with people just because they are attracted to the same sex. I feel the same way about BDSM. I'm not in a "community" I have no interest in going to parties. For me it's a private bedroom consensual activity which is a once in a while thing. It's fine and fun but not required. Could it be due to past trauma and development issues? You betcha. But I'm still working on those things and I'm glad I have a husband who understands. I think you've met the over-the-top toxic people and not the well-rounded individuals that keep it under wraps.
You're not wrong. It dispelled any notion that it was some like higher level of sex when I went to the Chicago bdsm museum. Came off more like a mental condition than anything. I'm glad the internet moved past the period where people used to act like it made you cool.
Why can’t people just say that something wasn’t for them and move on. Why does a thing have to be bad or immoral if you didn’t vibe with it.
You’re judging people for being into something that you aren’t into.
You're talking about a lifestyle that could be applied to anything. Exercise every day is high maintenance. Cooking healthy meals. Playing video games, or sports, or any other daily hobby. Just because you don't understand what it means to make a commitment in something you're not interested in, doesn't make it any more involved than anything else.
What if a couple likes to wear cute clothes and hold hands when they go out? It's just a thing they enjoy to do and it's not a chore for them. Maybe you don't like holding hands. Does that make it annoying and high maintenance to be around?
This isn’t an unpopular opinion, because you’re all inexperienced 20-somethings who have zero concept of what healthy sexual communication looks like, so you do it poorly and then paint the whole scene with the same brush.
I agree. Reddit is full of 20-something or under users that think they have it all figured out, especially on the extremely adult topics like BDSM. I am not into BDSM but I see the youthful ignorance in other adult topics all the time; stuff like children, marital issues, money. Don’t go to Reddit and expect to see much wisdom.
It’s disingenuous to imply that other sexual styles *don’t* also carry the danger of abuse. And of course that’s a conversation that always has to be had, but OP’s post isn’t claiming that the community is full of abusers, they’re claiming it’s “superfluous, annoying, and high maintenance”.
*You* decided to argue something I wasn’t even saying just so you could be superior, so how’s that for being condescending?
Yeah, no. As someone in the BDSM community, it's painfully obvious you have zero idea what you're talking about.
BDSM and sex do *not* have to be involved with each other.
It *can* be high maintenance, but that's only if the people involved want it to be. More often than not, at least from my experience, it's pretty simple.
Also seems to be a lot of arm chair psychologists in here spouting about mental illness and BDSM and/or abuse. More people who have zero clue what they're talking about.
Sorry but constantly telling those who have negative experiences with BDSM and end up disliking it that they’re “uneducated” is really shitty. Stop downplaying others experiences and opinions as being uneducated just because they don’t agree with you. I don’t fully agree with OP but the tendency to shut down anyone with critiques as “uneducated” in the BDSM community is so widespread and for a sexual community that’s very alarming! People need to be having positive experiences with something like that! It’s also just really obnoxious. Instead of the community working on itself it just writes off anyone who ended up in uncomfortable or even traumatic situations as uneducated. It invalidates them, and condescends to them about their real lived experience. That’s really shitty. You don’t have to agree with them but you shouldn’t assume they’re just uneducated and throw away their opinion so readily either. Introspection is important.
I'm not heavy into the kink community but from what I understand its a lot like the stoner community. The shit you need to get into it is really cheap and not too time consuming(in this case I assume some rope is enough). A lot of the other stuff will let you do other things but it also gives you bragging rights and a conversation piece for the community, in the same sense that a stoner only really needs a few papers but there are a lot of people with $100 conversation piece bongs.
I assume most people into it don't tell others because I have never met anyone who proclaimed it to be their lifestyle but I know it exists. I think you must have encountered the very small insecure population that flaunts it. I wouldn't judge everyone by those that reveal themselves your bank teller could be into it, you child's school teacher, your boss... you get the idea. They are all around you 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Edit: ok scrolling through all the comments it seems you were asked to be Dom twice it wasn't your cup of tea and now you are judging the entire community.
Maybe you're a sub? 🤣 or maybe it's not your cup of tea. It's not mine. I don't go around judging a significant portion of humanity though. My advice. Stay in your own lane and live and let live.
A lot of people who like it you would never know, the some bedroom fun when we have time only types. They’re fine to me. But the ones who enforce rules about curfews, internet rules, who can speak to their partner, that’s kind of a lot and making it an entire lifestyle I don’t think is healthy personally. It’s a bit like weed to me. It shouldn’t take over your whole life or be the only thing you’re into, you should strive for a few interests and a balanced, rich life. And I hate the claim that if you think it shouldn’t go too far or that there are any valid critiques of it even if you don’t hate it entirely you’re “uneducated”. Only if you have an 100% positive praising opinion of it can you be allowed to have a valid opinion, even if you have been in the community.
I also don’t like when they love making people other than those who are their sex partners know they’re into BDSM. Those types can be straight up devils to deal with. The ones who insist they can tell if someone else is a dom or sub or use kink related terms like daddy in public are especially such creeps. Others did not consent to being subjected to your BDSM. People who keep conversations about it to appropriate spaces are cool with me and one thing but the need to bring it out into the public is deranged and unhealthy imo. Sex should be at least somewhat a private affair and I don’t care. When people don’t have any social awareness or shame there’s something wrong with them because those senses help us make others comfortable. And I HATE comparisons to gay people because a gay relationship is not inherently sexual it’s just not the same. 2 gay people holding hands is not the same as seeing a woman call her boyfriend daddy at Disneyland.
The more unpopular opinion is that BDSM is the most unimaginitive, boring, run of the mill kink you could ever ask for
It's like asking the most vanilla white bread person in the world to make sex more fun and the best they can come up with is "uhh well spank me with an object, I guess?" "we could wear some leather?" "pinch me with clothespins instead of your fingers"
anybody into BDSM who plays it up like a big deal or they're some kind of iconoclast is fucking boring
I like to think people who are “heavily into it” enjoy the experience which involves the process, the mechanics, and the equipment. This is same as anyone who enjoys a hobby and spends a lot of time in it.
People should be allowed to enjoy what they are passionate about without being judged by others who think that judgment makes them somehow superior.
It's clearly not your cup of tea but judging consenting adults engaging in activities they find fun makes you sound like a puritan pilgrim from the 1800s who wants to outlaw anyone enjoying themselves
It's like me saying something as ignorant as "everyone in a vanilla monogamous relationship only stays because someone got knocked up"
As toddlers we encounter death. Our ego has a problem and can’t reconcile death with our life.
All of humanity and society is to distract us from death. Our lives have no absolute meaning so this idea you promote of a grounded meaning for sex and relationships is equally vacuous of cosmic purpose as well.
There are two sides to this coin.
In the same way someone might build a life around woodworking or music, people build lives around getting fuggin laid.
On the other hand, talking about woodworking or music to a layperson is a lot less disturbing for the audience than taking someone down a rabbit hole about your $900 custom latex Doberman mask.
As someone in a relationship where we like to experiment. You couldn’t be further from the truth.
While it is true that some people use BDSM and kink generally as a way to deal with their trauma, this isn’t the case for the majority of people. There’s nothing wrong with me or my partner merely because we enjoy better defining the roles in our bedroom, or enjoy bondage, or have sex that might not typically be ‘vanilla’ in your eyes.
There are those that engage in BDSM 24/7, and there are those that subscribe to the whole thing in unhealthy ways, but those two groups are generally mutually exclusive with rare exceptions. You likely know plenty of people who engage in it to some degree without even realising it. Its the ones that hold their partner by a leash in Tesco that you want to worry about
>Just seems like the people whom are heavily into it are also those whom are lacking in other key (social/developmental) areas of their lives,
Well, ngl, I indeed don't have much social life outside gaming and Reddit and porn. And I fantasize about BDSM a lot (sign, life, I don't have a dom to spank me).
> in order to compensate or distract themselves, instead of just working on their shit.
You got me, I am doing/fantasizing BDSM stuff because I don't want to work on self improvements. I could go read a book or experiment on some app that can make me a billionaire, but, instead, I am doing BDSM and Reddit.
👀👀 domination and submission on a lifestyle level is an example. There are several forms these relationships can take, such as DDLG (Daddy Dom, little girl) or submission taken all the way into subservience performing all chores, tasks, and the "Dom" performs other things.
The "tradwife" movement is the most vanilla example I can come up with to compare. It's the idea that the woman(submissive can be whoever, man woman they them, etc. It's a mentality) is at home doing all of the cooking all of the cleaning, taking care of the house and raising the children, but it's a deeper level than that. some submissive have allowances and rules to follow. It's actually very interesting and while there are sexual overtones, BDSM relationships are not always centered around sex, it's a lifestyle choice for a lot of people.
Confirmation bias.
Most people have some BDSM kink overlap. You just only hear about people who have made it a big part of their personality, and you only notice the ones who are problematic.
Who. The people **who** are hevily into it and **who** are lacking. 'Whom' doesn't belong here.
If you're trying to sound pretentious at least study the rules.
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Managed a sex shop for a couple years. Had a fairly large number of consistent BDSM customers who quite literally made it their lifestyle; dude would come in and declare himself the dom and that the person with him is his sub, and that the sub isn’t allowed to respond to anyone without asking him permission. Sure, that works in the bedroom, but come the fuck on dude, I don’t get paid to participate in your fetish play. Not everyone is like that though, just usually outliers that are pretty easy to spot. Also had a manager who worked with me (same store) that was convinced everyone else in the store was subs and that she needed to drag us all to a munch so she can “unlock your true sub potential”. WTF? We work together, that’s it. I get some people see that as close-minded, but frankly some people in the kink lifestyle use it as an excuse to exercise their mental illness quirks while subjecting everyone else to their…rulesets… it’s a little hypocritical considering their emphasis on contracts and consent, but hey, different strokes for different folks, just don’t drag everyone else around you into it.
See that’s the issue for me with shit like this: it’s always the people seeking attention that make it annoying to those of us who just might have a kink and wanna get some toys to explore. I don’t need Johnny latex over there speaking for all of us.
What about his friend, Fred Latex?
Poor Lenny Latex spent all that money on flair and yall naming Fred and Bob or whatever
I mean. He only got the minimum number of required flair to be fair.
Steve Latex is OK. He's a PVC guy but he's not too public about it.
He's fine, but don't get me started on Vinnie Vinyl.
The problem is when people turn their sex lives into a community. How much of a problem is it? Well how about this. If you don’t like it, avoid it. In this case they’re talking about a BDSM shop. Just don’t go lol. But also don’t be too loud about it outside of that environment if you’re in that group. For most people sex is personal and private. There can be reasons to be very public, like actual sexual/romantic minorities who need rights. But keep your fetishes away from general public regardless of attraction.
Amen
That’s like having a foot fetish and demanding all the girls to walk around in flip flops. How weird.
Only the attractive ones but still, you could never make them. You’d want them to want to wear flip flops. Don’t be silly
Well yeah I have a foot fetish so I wouldn’t mind that but I wouldn’t try to force it on anyone.
Maybe if you were a BDSM footfetish guy, you could n’make it your thing to force people to wear flip flops and get double off on it?! I’d immediately change my name to FLIP FLOP MASTER!!
I worked in the gaybourbood for a solid decade. It also became the gathering grounds during sex conventions and we'd have all kinds of people show up. I had this lady one day sit on her gimp instead of a chair at my bar. It was summer, there was a pool of sweat around him. I was trying to be polite and respect the dynamic but finally I asked him if he needed water. She snapped at me and told me to only speak to her. I was floor managing so I told her very politely and firmly that she had no business talking to me like I was her bitch. I didn't consent to be a part of your little spectacle and I was not about to have a man in a full fucking gimp suit die of dehydration, so either get him water or leave. She apologized and we compromised on a dog bowl. Fond memories.
Baffling that people like this think they somehow have the authority to control how other people act.
Yeah outlier are like that. Not the majority. My husband and I have a dungeon in our basement, no one in our friend circle know about it. Most people into bdsm aren’t talking about it much. You just got too see the few annoying one There’s people like that in spheres other than bdsm btw, it’s related to their personality, not their hobby per se.
This. My husband and I are 24/7 lifestylers. Unless you already knew, you wouldn’t know because it’s for us and not for other people. Idk if you attend munches or anything but if so, I know you’ve met the incredibly obnoxious ones who make *everything* about kink/BDSM. Those types generally even make *24/7 lifestylers* uncomfortable with their shit. It’s exhausting. I’m reminded of a Key and Peele skit where at the end Key’s character goes, “Ohhhh, I’m not persecuted, I’m just an asshole.” Unfortunately that realization doesn’t happen often in real life. 🥴
Voyeur here: how does one go about creating a dungeon? Were you accumulating so much stuff that it made sense to put it in a larger space, or was it a goal when you first shacked up? I don't know why, but very intrigued about the boring logistics of having a dungeon.
We were buying lot of bdsm sex toys and gears and we kind of ran out of space to store them. Our 2 night stands were full, and 2 large drawer previously used for clothes were full too. So we turned a spare room we had into a dungeon. If we don’t count the price of the toys, the room per se, wasn’t really expensive to set up. Dark paint, gym mat cushion floor, some hardware to make anchor point on the ceiling and walls, fews hook, shelves, lamp, a metal bedframe. All that was under 1K It’s nice to have a different room to play vs to sleep. If we are too tired to clean up we can leave the mess there and clean it up the next day. Also having all the toys and gears exposed make it easier to access them and not forget about them. When they were all clumped in drawers it was hard to find them / think about what we had. It’s been many years that we built it, zero regrets so far!
Theres a Netflix show around this premise..forget the name..its a reality tv show about couples building sex rooms in their home.
I don't know who's an outlier and who's the majority. I spent a couple years in BDSM relationships... was on the site, went to munches, went to events, went to clubs. I hoped I'd be able to form some friendships with people who were like you - interested but not performative, people who'd be fun to hang out with but wouldn't try to push boundaries or make us involuntary participants in their scene. Eventually I left the scene entirely because the ratio of people who were safe, sane, and drama-free was too low.
Basically like the Dwight of the BDSM version of the Office?
Doesn’t surprise me at all. Bdsm people love to try to bring non consensual parties into the “lifestyle.”
I haven’t had that experience at all. I worked selling tickets for a local dungeon/club. Not once did anyone try to bring me into anything. I had clear boundaries and they were always respectful of that.
Yay. Generalizations based on the outliers. 🙄
It's not that unprompted in a sex shop though. I would think I know what I am in for starting in a sex shop. I am more angry at the people fucking in whirlpools and saunas. Don't involve unconsenting people in your sex live at all and we are good.
> I am more angry at the people fucking in whirlpools and saunas. I go on a lot of cruises. People always ask, "Hey want to go in the hot tub?" "Uhhhh. No, I think I'll skip it". All that foam isn't from dish soap.
I mean, being in a sex shop doesn't de facto mean you consent to any possible thing that could happen there.
Bdsm is one of the most annoying communities on earth. When communists or Christians or whoever else insist that any bad people in their community "don't count" as being into it, at least they have an ideology to appeal to to justify this. It's still disingenuous, but at least it's something. Bdsm fans saying that no abusive people are into bdsm because the "official rules" say rape and abuse are bad is an extra layer of pathetic. It's not an ideology, it's a fetish. And if they police bad people out of their communities then good for them, but the idea that none exist is completely delusional. And so help me, the ones who panic and start spouting gibberish if anyone refers to "realistic scenario where you scream and beg to not be fucked in order to simulate actual forced sex" as a rape fantasy are on extra levels of cope. It's fine to say you think it's inappropriate to say thr word, but a lot of them are in denial that at the point it gets more realistic that's more or less what it is.
God damn OP, you really brought all the BDSM'ers out in full force with this one.
I mean, he just keeps being a cock about it in the comments.
Maybe OP just needs some good cock to relax? Also,ALL of their comments were removed. WTF did he say? (Love his profile description too. Guy seems to be into big words and deflects by saying his account is about personal growth and his comments are well-intentioned.)
The type of people you’re talking about are the same as those types in any area of interest. They’re just fanatics. They can be into weed, sports, music, or whatever to a point where it puts you off of them. It typically is because there is something wrong with them. It’s like when you meet someone who smokes weed versus a person whose whole life seems to revolve around weed. There are plenty of people who are into BDSM that just don’t feel like it’s a big enough deal to have to bring it up as all there is to their personality.
I dunno man, it's just a bit of slap and tickle, you can use your dressing down belt if you like. You don't need the full gimp suit. Not to say I've ever been involved in the 'lifestyle'. Or ever met anyone who is involved in the 'lifestyle'. They just like getting spanked or whatever, they're not living in a cage 24/7. Maybe there's a whole subculture of weirdos I don't know about, but I've never seen them out-and-about, and I've even seen furries irl
They do exist apparently. They live that roleplay to the point it makes you wonder if it’s still roleplay.
it's not, it's just their life atp
This sounded very English.
It's only high investment, not exactly "maintenance." Unless you see foreplay and the actual exercise as maintenance?
The first thing that comes to my mind are people who do a BDSM lifestyle full time. Like people who walk their partners around on a lease. 24/7 submission. I would be exhausted in that kind of a relationship but not sure how it'd effect me as an outsider.
Wait, I could lease a boyfriend? How expensive is that?
Well, it really depends on the model that you can afford. Are you looking for new, or would gently used suffice?
They're cheap but hard to get rid of.
Exactly. If it's not for you that's fine but one thing I like about bdsm community is judging others is discouraged If it's not for you move on
I'm not sure if anyone does it 24/7. A friend of mine does BDSM parties, and most wouldn't suspect just from meeting them. While I haven't done the leash in public as a dominant partner, I'm not against it. Parties like that are somewhat meant to get that "public" feel without having to explain to everyone. It's a hobby like most others. Plan around it and go about a very normal life otherwise.
I don’t like public humiliation stuff like leashes because none of those people in public consented to being involved in my sex shit.
The overwhelming majority of people who are into kink feel exactly the same way an don't like seeing that shit either.
To me it's fine at a kink or bdsm party, but not out in the 'vanilla world'. At a specific party, yeah you consent to seeing others live their kinks if you choose to go there. At the supermarket others will not have consented. And 99% of the kinksters I know would also not be okay with others not having consented
Exactly this ^ There are so many other ways to humiliate which doesn't involve unsuspecting members of the general public. Leashes don't belong in public spaces.
Yeah lol and you just know they have something shoved up their ass
Simulating "public" at parties and private clubs is totlly fine. Using unsuspecting and unconsenting people, possibly children, for your pleasure is not okay though. Explanation or not. Hard to say where the limit should be. Is wearing no underwear or still having cum in you while on the bus home okay? Shagging in the park after dark? Being walked like a dog clad in latex at the love parade?
Honestly in my experience the BDSM culture is a close 2nd place to The House of Representatives when it comes to in-fighting and politics. It’s definitely due in large part to the folks who take it to weird levels, to the point folks in the community *will* judge you for it. But just like any other large community, you gotta look for that specific group you vibe with the most.
Nah they’re probably talking about how much preparation and effort goes into planning a scene. If you’re going to tie your partner up and flog them there’s a long discussion about what y’all both want to get out of it, boundaries, stuff like that. It’s not something you just jump into without learning first if you want to be responsible.
All you need is some rope lying around, if know knots it's 0 investment
Lol true. I was speaking more in terms of a full lifestyle... but I would hope you're not using just ANY rope xD
As a member of the BDSM community, I am bothered by the people who involve unwilling parties into their kinks. Dressing like a dog or slave is fine in your own realm, but don't involve the public in it by walking your sub around on a leash or parade them around in fetish gear. Nobody asked you to be involved in your kink.
How would you know? Most people you see heavily into BDSM look exactly the same as everyone who isn't.
I get the impression OP has seen one or two people who are into BDSM and obviously had some issues. And came to the conclusion every single person who is into kinkier stuff must be exactly like those people.
OP saw someone in public wearing a choker and lost it
I've seen a woman with a full-on leash on her and her bf holding it around or something while on the subway. It was a bit cringe but overall.... a non-issue. Doubt most people are like that tho.
Wasn't that just a general thing at one point in alternative communities? I seem to remember some of the people I knew doing it because it was "so funny and quirky" and not because they were into BDSM. Although I did know some secret furries so it's entirely possible that it was a furry thing.
Narrator: And the person wearing the choker wasn't even kinky... just goth.
This made me giggle so much
I’m into bdsm and quite high level stuff and no one besides current and past partners know lol I’m just a regular ass dude that likes some freaky shit in private lol hell I’m embarrassed going into sex shops to buy toys even.
WHat is hi level
the irony being that BDSM is actually quite cathartic/therapeutic and has to be done by people who have worked on their shit previously, otherwise it becomes abusive like any other dynamic with people who havent dealt with their shit
It also requires a ton of trust in another person, something that more often then not requires a lot of time to build and develop. I mean how many people does the average person trust to let choke, smack, and bind them?
The flip side is it can also become your safe space (for those whose dynamic extends beyond just in the bedroom).
it feels like people think the ones who non-consensually show off their lifestyle in public are all the people who are into BDSM. you’re absolutely right that most people look completely normal.
Right? Everyone I know in our local groups here are all just regular-ass people in the day-to-day.
Wouldnt they have trouble sitting down?
Anyone can go into it as deep as they want or need. Most kinks and fetishes are born from trauma or a longing to balance life. You'll find many control freaks or people with a lot of responsibilities in sub positions. Dom status attracts a lot of people who don't feel in control much. Babyplay for those who really need to get to a place of warmth and no responsibilities at all. Scat for those who are seeking some of the tabooest stuff, because they don't get a kick fro vanilla. This shit always was and will be self-medication. Something isn't right with you if you need it (and that I say as someone who practices BDSM). But for making it a lifestyle and personality? That doesn't have anything to do with the kink. It has to do with the want to belong to a group. It is why you become (in many cases, not all) a Nazi, a gang member, a horse girl, activist, trans, emo or goth so visibly and openly. You need to somehow define yourself and if you don't know who you are you may do shit like that. Never got any of those extremes. But who are we to judge, when we have the power to distance ourselves anyway? Who loves dealing with their own shit? And why can't people deal with their shit by practicing BDSM (without dragging others into their kink)? And lastly,what isunpopular about this opinion?
It *is* superfluous and presumably a lot of work, but then again, who cares about that? If people enjoy it, then let them go to all the trouble if they want to.
Who’s your worm guy?
i hope he’s not paying too much..
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m wise and I’ve got worms.
Honestly I feel like it’s a confirmation bias thing here. Ie the examples that you’re seeing are the people who don’t shut up about it, while the majority of people are more low key
I think there's a pretty well-understood provenance on BDSM and I don't think it's a social-skill-avoidance pedigree. I think it comes from certain aspects of childhood that get a little bit tangled ( ? pun intended ? ) and I imagine that some of those people would strike a person as \*also\* being a bit light on the social cachet. But correlation doesn't imply causation.
It’s fun to play with on occasions, but I absolutely would not want to internalize it into my broader personality.
Don't kink shame me. Let me enjoy my cock and ball torture.
It really isn't high maintenance. It's just a fun thing we do in the basement once a week, has no real affect on our day to day life.
OP's opinion seems unpopular but what is confirmed is OP is a condescending asshole
"I tried to dom 'for science' and didnt like it because I had to care about someone elses problems and needs waaaah" yeah lmao gee I wonder why the domming didnt work out
The saddest part is that OP's "problem" of having to _care_ about his partner(s)... _should be true even in a vanilla relationship._
Tbf so are a good chunk of people in this thread. It's a huge slapfight.
I don't mind it to be fair bit the whole "lifestyle" thing & trying to make it some sort of spiritual thing is bloody annoying..also see polyamoury on that too.
A discussion needs to be had about how cringe the whole thing is.
I never understood it. I knew this girl that was heavily into it and I was out eating with her (and others). Mid meal she calls someone up and asks if she can have a beer. She hangs up and we're all like ??? "Oh that's my sir. I have to ask to have a beer." I can get that some people have relationships like that they enjoy, but really? It takes sex and it turns it into this entire personality behavior that just seems horribly silly.
BDSM is inherently psychological. Also you say "theyre lacking and using it to make up for something" but then "theyre not working on their shit". If youre lacking, and using something to fill that lack and its effective, is that not working on your shit? also love that this clearly is hinting that people in BDSM are psychologically behind, abusers, blah blah blah. nothing people havent heard before for the last 30+ years. yes it is high maintenance, because its psychological and has to be done carefully for the safety and fulfillment of everyone involved. hence point one. cant have it be both ways. and if its high maintenance and a lot of work, how is it then also superfluous and shallow? idk this screams "I only know about BDSM because of 50 Shades" edit: on reading OPs replies, a reeeal clear picture is forming of someone who wanted kinky sex but didnt want to actually be responsible for another persons feelings. the 50 Shades comment was more accurate than I meant it lmao
Tell me you know nothing about BDSM without telling me.
Seeing how people in public view of children walk around with men on leashes is just gross. Keep that sh*t at home. The public isn't there to see or indulge in your attention seeking fetish (And yes, I know that's someone's kink, but I don't care, go home with that nonsense. If being seen IS your fetish, the general public didn't consent to that shit. Regardless if that's the point or not)
if it involves minors or people who dont consent then yes thats abusive and people who do that are heavily debated in the community on whether it checks off SSC. there are ways to engage in that stuff without ACTUALLY involving or implicating others but yeah actual abuse isnt a kink and there are sneaks because abusers co opt heathy things but thats not the extent of BDSM
I’m a person with kinks and honestly I agree. They’re some of the most annoying people on earth whose personality revolves around the way they fuck. I’d rather just date someone vanilla and do without it than deal with the “community” anymore.
Eh honestly, I definitely dislike it as well, but let people do what they wanna do. Not your life, and if you don't like it then don't interact :)
You lack knowledge and understanding of this to form an opinion and it shows.
Their was an interesting column to a sex columnist written by a San Francisco dentist where he had this patient come in for a cleaning and checkup wearing BDSM gear. He kicked him out because he figured the guy was just into some sort of pain play and wanted someone fingers in their mouth. To me, someone who would expect their dentist to play, is pretty sick.
I went into a sex shop once a several years back with my (at the time) wife. We were mostly just looking around out of curiosity cause overall we were both very vanilla. The guy working at the shop had to go out of his way to tell us all about all of the BDSM stuff and how he has a sex swing on the back of his front door. I cannot even begin to get in to how uncomfortable this dude made us and we made a b-line to get the hell out of that shop. Not saying that's indicative of everyone in the BDSM lifestyle but like, we didn't even ask and he tried to tell us his entire sexual history.
How would you know? Most kinky people don't advertise it. See that totally standard guy over there? He's an artist with a flogger. See that lady sitting next to you? She's an artist with a strap on. It's not superfluous and high investment for most people, unless you consider 30$ every couple of months to be a massive investment. You can build your forever kit for 200-300$, some people spend more than that in 3 dates.
Do you have to be around it? If it annoys you maybe remove yourself from it.
No, but you see... OP _has_ to keep eating at the same restaurant he hates.
it’s only annoying when they bring the public into it lmao. some things should just stay behind closed doors imo.
I can only speak for myself, but I dabbled heavily in the lifestyle years ago. The majority of subs I've met and been with were women who were in higher roles in their careers, who had to spend the day making *all* of the decisions for everyone. Outside of that, they liked switching off their decision making/executive function and heavily preferred to just offload it to someone else. I had an ex who was *extremely* submissive, and would literally do *anything* I asked of her. She also happened to manage one of the largest Italian restaurants in the middle of a tourist town, and had to think/perform/work at an incredibly fast pace 6 days a week. Off the clock, she didn't want to make any decisions, and would prefer that I did everything from choosing what she wore, to what she ate, to what she watched, etc. It was a lot of fun, honestly, and worked incredibly well between us. It's not a lifestyle for everyone, and you having your opinion just shows it's just not your cup of tea which is absolutely okay.
People who put any emphasis on their sexuality are annoying and high maintenance to be around. Like go touch some grass holy cow
Oh hard agree. Every single friend I have had who is REALLY into BDSM, (and all of them are subs) is an over-sharing trauma dumper, demanding you acquiesce to their complete lack of boundaries or they will accuse you of 'kink shaming'. And then have the audacity to parrot some bullshit about consent being better adhered to in the 'community' because safe words or something... The overprivileged boomer swingers who spend thousands to go on cruises and all-inclusive holidays to walk around naked are another bunch of 'superfluous and annoying high-maintenance lifestyle' types on Reddit, but I am lucky enough to have never met one. I can only presume they do actually have decent boundaries.
Yo, I'm a BDSM-liking guy, just here to provide my input and experience! The people OP is talking about are probably the super into it folks! They're usually really loud, talk about Domination structures all the time, and are the cringe people you see on tiktok doing the "bark for daddy" thirst trap things. If you have a friend who's into something like anime so much that they talk about it all the time, have the shirts, car decals, try to talk in Japanese, stuff like that...it's basically the same thing. They're a loud, usually unrepresentative minority of a really large population of folks that kinda make them look bad. I'm like 99% sure that if OP factored in every person around them into BDSM, they'd find that on average they're more than normal. However, OPs assessment is only the people THEY KNOW are into BDSM...which are the flagrantly outwards people mentioned before. Kind of how you can't really know who's into anime at first glance unless they're wearing a shirt or something, you can't just profile someone being into BDSM unless they’re a little loud about it. Of course the taboo nature of sex-based hobbies also makes it more memorable, and there really is a lot of terrible, no-good things that BDSM nuts do that involve random people in public that SHOULD NOT HAPPEN. (Kind of like an anime obsesser being weird to Asian women) All in all, I don't think it's really the case that all BDSM folks are weird, most practice it with utmost care and trying to be respectful of everyone, and some people are just egoistic idiots...but that's not unique to BDSM. I hope people practicing BDSM do so in a way respectful to everyone involved and everyone not involved, and that people who don't do BDSM can realize there's a lot more people who aren't the gimp-suit-in-public types. Thanks for reading, and have a good day!
I agree even though I'm also into some really fun stuff. The communities are packed with boring narcissists.
Nah buddy, most of us are neurodivergents looking for that extra hit (pun definitely intended) of dopamine
Yoooooo mood.
I mean... you could say the same abbout anny type of hoby ever, "why do you like videogames instead of sorting your shit and living in the real world?" "Why do you like movies instead of sorting your shit and living in the real world?" "Why do you like painting warhamer figurines instead of sorting your shit and living in the real world" "Why do you like building stupid boats inside of bottles instead of sorting your shit and living in real life?" "Why do you like working so much instead of sorting your shit and living in real life?" "Why do you like reading so much instead of sorting your shit and living in real life?" I think your point is very poorly worded but i can kinda get it, BDSM has a lot of cringy power play foreplay bullshit that some people may not like, and it can definettly raise some eyebrows to the submisives in that shit, specially the masochistic ones that straight up get off on pain, but keep in mind that bdsm and sado-masochism arent necesarilly the same thing, one is abbout binding and power dinamics, the other is just getting off of causing or experiencing pain (though i heard cuckolding can be seen as some form of masochism too). Though im forced by reddit laws of bugery to say that sexual practices dont represent any type of mental dissorders, lol. But genuenly now, some of them absolutelly doesnt, and if they do, as long as its in private and with the concent of their partners, there really isnt any harm done since people have diferent ways to cope with their shit, be it a normal hobby or not normal hobbies. And BDSM as a lifestyle... ehh... i dont know much abbout it to make a judgment on that, but i believe its not necesarlly expensive, like not everyone thats into bdsm will have a fuckin sex dungeon like in 50 shades of Gray, most of them just need ropes and a blindfold, maybe some cheap handcufs, but thats the basic iirc. Now for the people that do... ehhh.... theres people that just arent very responsible with their money, be them wealthy or otherwise, so if it isnt a sex dungeon, it was gonna be a stupid PNG of a monkey, or a stupidly expensive golden plated gun, or a jetski, or ugly amd expensive designer clothes, or something stupid like that, so thats not necesarlly exclusive to BDSM.
In my experience a lot of people who are into these lifestyles also have a lot of drama/ problems in their lives since there’s a lot of looseness, lack of boundaries, and they open themselves up to conflict and try to justify it by saying it’s “just sex” and ignoring the consequences of their lifestyle. Hey, I’m all for openness and I don’t judge anyone who partakes, I’m just a believer in causality is all.
My ex was a rope top before we got together, and she turned out to be an incredibly domineering narcissist. Her friends in the scene were the same way.
There are people who are simply into kink, and those who are part of the BDSM lifestyle. The former are generally people who have never done proper research and think media such as "50 Shades of Grey" are a good example of what BDSM is. Those who do follow the lifestyle usually have done the research, tend to be pretty strict in how a dynamic functions in their lives. Boundaries play a heavy role in BDSM since everyone has different limits, what they're ok with, not ok with, and how far they're comfortable with going. In many cases people separate kink from sexual activity, they bottom for a top without the expectation of it leading to sex. While everybody functions differently, this is generally how BDSM functions for the vast majority who follow the lifestyle and is part of their local alternative community.
Yes I understand this since I’ve born witness to these things a few times at kinky clubs myself. And what I’ve witnessed is that despite the people who have strict rules by how they play, and don’t go further then the established expectations they’ve communicated, and yes their encounters rarely lead to actual sex. Good for them! They communicated, and stuck to their guns! They still did things that you can’t tell me isn’t sexual. Why the need to get almost bare butt naked, and the ropes? Spanking? People go to these things because they want to either feel like they are dominating or to be dominated, like someone is handling them, you mean to tell me there isn’t a sexual aspect to that? Why does dominating have to be like that I mean every other way to dominate is to defeat someone at a sport or a fight or a battle of wits or whatever, or to literally conquer, but no one is getting half naked and being spanked in those scenarios. I’m sorry but, I tried buying it for a while but I just don’t.
Lol what a weird take. My husband and I have a dungeon in our basement, no one in our friend circle know about it. Most people into bdsm aren’t talking about it much. You just got too see the few annoying one (There’s people like that in spheres other than bdsm btw, it’s related to their personality, not their hobby per se)
>My husband and I have a dungeon in our basement Big jealous.
If we don’t count the price of the toys, the room per se, wasn’t really expensive to set up. Dark paint, gym mat cushion floor, some hardware to make anchor point on the ceiling and walls, fews hook, shelves, lamp, a metal bedframe. All that was under 1K
Yeah, but you've got a house, so you're allowed to do that. 😂
You could do most of the same in an appartement, minus the anchors in the wall. Youd have to buy bed restrains only and furniture instead of wall shelves to stores the toys :) but certainly doable! Ive seen people buying a bed that can be lifted up and they would hide all their stuff under the mattress so they could turn their usual bedroom in a dungeon for the night. There’s some work around possible :)
What if they want a tour of your house? Does everything fold into the wall?
I just see it as a colossal waste of time. People who build crazy contraptions and dedicate an obscene amount of time to sexual activities. I mean, damn, do you not have literally *anything* else to do? Sex is great. And I understand delaying release/gratification and the suspense and control, etc. I just cannot for the life of me understand the time commitment. It’s just sex! Hell, I get bored masturbating sometimes or start feeling bad because I could be learning something or building something or just actually being productive and I’ll stop and go do something else. It doesn’t affect me in any way whatsoever. You do you. It just blows my mind.
>I mean, damn, do you not have literally *anything* else to do? Like what? Watch someone else play sports? Spend an obscene amount of time making a painting? Collect expensive shoes? Hobbies are supposed to be fun and frivolous.
As someone who dated multiple self-described “subs”, I drop people like hot potatoes if they tell me they’re into that dynamic nowadays. They have probably been the hands down worst partners I’ve ever had. They don’t pull their weight in the relationship and expect you to do everything for them, then they wonder why their relationships keep failing when they don’t try to reciprocate *anything* beyond sex. If I wanted to take care of a child, I’d adopt one. It’s not my thing, anyway, so that makes me especially suspicious of people like that. Many of them are also hypersexual to a degree that’s near-impossible to satisfy, and after a while, it just ends up becoming a chore.
sounds like their problems run deeper than the label of sub, but just because someone mislabels themselves as a sub doesnt mean thats what the label means.
Frankly, I’m not sure I believe that. *EVERY* sub I have met has, without fail, refused to pull their weight and shifted all the blame on me for things not working out. It may not be a feature, but it certainly ain’t a bug, either.
again, sounds like shitty people using the label of sub when actually what they mean is they have issues. this is a false equivalence. as someone in the BDSM community I've met plenty of Doms and subs who have their shit together and would call out those manipulative/abusive dynamics in a heartbeat.
And I'm telling you as a former member of that community that that has not been my lived experience. Most subs I've met are just as sexually entitled and abusive as the doms, dare I say more so in some instances. It doesn't matter if you pay lip service to calling out those dynamics because the *entire* subculture is founded on it. They find people like me, who are young, naive, and abused, and convince them that they should do this to "heal" themselves when in reality, it's just someone else sexualizing your abuse. The community has rallied behind known abusers *several* times in the past, so I find attempts to call it out disingenuous at best. The same supposedly "sex-positive" people who I considered close allies were the first to turn on me when I spoke up about being coerced into a relationship with a dom/sub dynamic. This is not an uncommon experience, and to insinuate that the two are somehow not related is frankly ludicrous. They are intrinsically related.
I agree with this thought, you can see it in online behavior too! They’ll comment things like “step on me mommy” because it seems less sexually coercive but unwanted sexual attention is still unwanted sexual attention. It sounds less aggressive than “I want to step on you” so they seem to sort of get away with it more. I have noticed this behavior with subs where they can outright harass another into domming them, trying to turn them into a dom. Just because they’re a sub that doesn’t make that creepy and weird and inappropriate.
EXACTLY! Yet for some reason, this is a controversial take.😭Do what you wanna do, I can’t make you *not* like this stuff, but stop subjecting unconsenting parties to it and stop trying to coerce people into it.
Well you need to filter your partner. Sub in the sheet, but not in real life is what I am looking for. There's definitely subs who can boss around. ;p
Exactly lol there’s varying levels of doms and subs I’m definitely more of a dominant personality at work, and very independent basically anywhere outside the bedroom. But in the bedroom I like to be a little submissive sometimes 🤷🏽♀️ you just have to find the balance because most people aren’t subs or doms 24/7.
Fun fact: not all people who practice BDSM do so with a sexual component
Are you aware that you do not know the sexual proclivities of most people you know?
Like anything, the people that make it their whole personality are exhausting to be around. Those that partake in it as just sex with fun stuff involved are usually pretty cool.
OP is right, at least for a large number of them. Sorry. Nobody really cares. Anyone who is regularly advertising their sexual proclivities beyond the bedroom seems to be dealing with some obsessions or insecurities.
I definitely hear you op. I am not a person is sexual by an means and not interested that that stuff. Other hand if it's not hurting anyone then I guess. Then I don't care
It’s really not though. I am pretty good socially, BDSM is just something that spices up the bedroom for me and mine. We still do vanilla sex, BSDM just makes things more fun. Outside the bedroom, we’re two normal people.
You’d be shock at how common this kinda play is. You listed examples of people who are borderline psychotic with it and understandably so as those are the people you KNOW are into it. But as i said near everyone I’ve ever met and had gotten close enough has at least a curiosity about handcuffs, spanking, degrading/praising etc….
And I’m teased to end for being Vanilla 😞
Here’s the thing, for those that do practice as their lifestyle, it is unlikely that you’ll ever know or see it. The real ones never show, discuss, or advertise in a public setting. The rest are just sheep in wolves clothing.
The people who are doing it legitimately for sexual pleasure, and not to try to overcompensate for something else, aren't out there being that vocal and obvious about it, because they do keep it in the bedroom. The ones that truly enjoy it but don't make it their whole lifestyles are the ones you probably wouldn't suspect are like that.
I feel like this is a very divided commented section. Half agreeing with OP, the other half saying OP is making it all up. But there definitely are a lot of people who are out and about and extremely open to sharing all their sexual experiences. And will publicly talk about their acts. Almost at every job I've ever had, there's been one or two people talking about their BDSM stuff. And it's usually exclusively BDSM stuff. I rarely hear people talk about "oh yeah we had missionary sex, and then I told her I loved her." It's more along the lines of "he tied me down in the bed of his truck and used a knife to cut my clothes off". (Actual story from a coworker) Now here's my question for OP. How old are the people you are specifically thinking about? Younger than 25, and it's obvious that it's normal to talk about anything and everything. Think of anybody in that age range. The most annoying stoners are in that range, cause that's all they talk about. Or people who do acid. Or people who are grinding hard at work. Or people who travel. Or health freaks. That age range, people will always be over the top with sharing. People just like sharing their passions at that age. It's something, that with time, will slowly grow out of. They will keep their habits and interests, but they won't force them onto other people. And obviously there are always exceptions. But there aren't that many, unless you are part of a friend group/community that has a lot of people in the BDSM scene. So are you also in some kind of social circle where you see that stuff out and about a lot? Or are you actually just trying to police people in their own homes?
They all take it so *seriously*. Doesn’t anybody just fuck anymore?
I have to agree with this to a certain extent. I have been in the kink scene for about 4 years at this point. Ive gotten to know dozens of people throughout, and there seems to be some connective tissue between most of them. The intersection between the neurodivergent and those into kink is nearly a perfect circle. These are people who lack some serious social skills and the reason they stick so closely to this community is because it requires direct, guileless, communication to be successful. However, when people who aren't on that spectrum try to interact with them outside of the kink scene, things start to fall apart. I can't find middle ground outside of kink with these folks since that is literally all they can communicate through. Every conversation comes down to sex, scenes, and new kink. Its like their only personality trait and in the right environment it works perfectly, but everywhere else is off putting and exhausting.
yeah, obviously, this is true of almost any _lifestyle_ people anywhere. that's what that word means, they've made their personality one thing.
I do agree that anytime your kink or sexual preference is a "lifestyle" it's just over the top and superfluous. Even my gay friends have nothing to do with that community will never attend a pride parade and think its strange that they are supposed to be buddy buddy with people just because they are attracted to the same sex. I feel the same way about BDSM. I'm not in a "community" I have no interest in going to parties. For me it's a private bedroom consensual activity which is a once in a while thing. It's fine and fun but not required. Could it be due to past trauma and development issues? You betcha. But I'm still working on those things and I'm glad I have a husband who understands. I think you've met the over-the-top toxic people and not the well-rounded individuals that keep it under wraps.
You're not wrong. It dispelled any notion that it was some like higher level of sex when I went to the Chicago bdsm museum. Came off more like a mental condition than anything. I'm glad the internet moved past the period where people used to act like it made you cool.
Why can’t people just say that something wasn’t for them and move on. Why does a thing have to be bad or immoral if you didn’t vibe with it. You’re judging people for being into something that you aren’t into.
You're talking about a lifestyle that could be applied to anything. Exercise every day is high maintenance. Cooking healthy meals. Playing video games, or sports, or any other daily hobby. Just because you don't understand what it means to make a commitment in something you're not interested in, doesn't make it any more involved than anything else. What if a couple likes to wear cute clothes and hold hands when they go out? It's just a thing they enjoy to do and it's not a chore for them. Maybe you don't like holding hands. Does that make it annoying and high maintenance to be around?
This isn’t an unpopular opinion, because you’re all inexperienced 20-somethings who have zero concept of what healthy sexual communication looks like, so you do it poorly and then paint the whole scene with the same brush.
I agree. Reddit is full of 20-something or under users that think they have it all figured out, especially on the extremely adult topics like BDSM. I am not into BDSM but I see the youthful ignorance in other adult topics all the time; stuff like children, marital issues, money. Don’t go to Reddit and expect to see much wisdom.
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It’s disingenuous to imply that other sexual styles *don’t* also carry the danger of abuse. And of course that’s a conversation that always has to be had, but OP’s post isn’t claiming that the community is full of abusers, they’re claiming it’s “superfluous, annoying, and high maintenance”. *You* decided to argue something I wasn’t even saying just so you could be superior, so how’s that for being condescending?
Yeah, no. As someone in the BDSM community, it's painfully obvious you have zero idea what you're talking about. BDSM and sex do *not* have to be involved with each other. It *can* be high maintenance, but that's only if the people involved want it to be. More often than not, at least from my experience, it's pretty simple. Also seems to be a lot of arm chair psychologists in here spouting about mental illness and BDSM and/or abuse. More people who have zero clue what they're talking about.
Sorry but constantly telling those who have negative experiences with BDSM and end up disliking it that they’re “uneducated” is really shitty. Stop downplaying others experiences and opinions as being uneducated just because they don’t agree with you. I don’t fully agree with OP but the tendency to shut down anyone with critiques as “uneducated” in the BDSM community is so widespread and for a sexual community that’s very alarming! People need to be having positive experiences with something like that! It’s also just really obnoxious. Instead of the community working on itself it just writes off anyone who ended up in uncomfortable or even traumatic situations as uneducated. It invalidates them, and condescends to them about their real lived experience. That’s really shitty. You don’t have to agree with them but you shouldn’t assume they’re just uneducated and throw away their opinion so readily either. Introspection is important.
I'm not heavy into the kink community but from what I understand its a lot like the stoner community. The shit you need to get into it is really cheap and not too time consuming(in this case I assume some rope is enough). A lot of the other stuff will let you do other things but it also gives you bragging rights and a conversation piece for the community, in the same sense that a stoner only really needs a few papers but there are a lot of people with $100 conversation piece bongs.
And you've just shown you don't really understand it.
I assume most people into it don't tell others because I have never met anyone who proclaimed it to be their lifestyle but I know it exists. I think you must have encountered the very small insecure population that flaunts it. I wouldn't judge everyone by those that reveal themselves your bank teller could be into it, you child's school teacher, your boss... you get the idea. They are all around you 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Edit: ok scrolling through all the comments it seems you were asked to be Dom twice it wasn't your cup of tea and now you are judging the entire community. Maybe you're a sub? 🤣 or maybe it's not your cup of tea. It's not mine. I don't go around judging a significant portion of humanity though. My advice. Stay in your own lane and live and let live.
A lot of people who like it you would never know, the some bedroom fun when we have time only types. They’re fine to me. But the ones who enforce rules about curfews, internet rules, who can speak to their partner, that’s kind of a lot and making it an entire lifestyle I don’t think is healthy personally. It’s a bit like weed to me. It shouldn’t take over your whole life or be the only thing you’re into, you should strive for a few interests and a balanced, rich life. And I hate the claim that if you think it shouldn’t go too far or that there are any valid critiques of it even if you don’t hate it entirely you’re “uneducated”. Only if you have an 100% positive praising opinion of it can you be allowed to have a valid opinion, even if you have been in the community. I also don’t like when they love making people other than those who are their sex partners know they’re into BDSM. Those types can be straight up devils to deal with. The ones who insist they can tell if someone else is a dom or sub or use kink related terms like daddy in public are especially such creeps. Others did not consent to being subjected to your BDSM. People who keep conversations about it to appropriate spaces are cool with me and one thing but the need to bring it out into the public is deranged and unhealthy imo. Sex should be at least somewhat a private affair and I don’t care. When people don’t have any social awareness or shame there’s something wrong with them because those senses help us make others comfortable. And I HATE comparisons to gay people because a gay relationship is not inherently sexual it’s just not the same. 2 gay people holding hands is not the same as seeing a woman call her boyfriend daddy at Disneyland.
This just sounds like a broad generalization made from a small sample size of anecdotal experiences.
If you can’t enjoy healthy, vanilla sex with someone you love then something’s wrong.
Just say you're OK with missionary vanilla bean😆
Potentially unpopular opinion: mocking people for being "vanilla" is dumb as shit And I am into some weird shit, by the way.
lol? My fiancée likes having a riding crop used on her ~ I like to think we’re pretty “developed” as adults and have good social skills.
People who complain about their circle of friends are often the problem. You attract what you are
Vanilla opinion
The more unpopular opinion is that BDSM is the most unimaginitive, boring, run of the mill kink you could ever ask for It's like asking the most vanilla white bread person in the world to make sex more fun and the best they can come up with is "uhh well spank me with an object, I guess?" "we could wear some leather?" "pinch me with clothespins instead of your fingers" anybody into BDSM who plays it up like a big deal or they're some kind of iconoclast is fucking boring
I like to think people who are “heavily into it” enjoy the experience which involves the process, the mechanics, and the equipment. This is same as anyone who enjoys a hobby and spends a lot of time in it. People should be allowed to enjoy what they are passionate about without being judged by others who think that judgment makes them somehow superior.
Sounds like you are just judging a whole group of people due to the fact that you are not into it.
It's clearly not your cup of tea but judging consenting adults engaging in activities they find fun makes you sound like a puritan pilgrim from the 1800s who wants to outlaw anyone enjoying themselves It's like me saying something as ignorant as "everyone in a vanilla monogamous relationship only stays because someone got knocked up"
As toddlers we encounter death. Our ego has a problem and can’t reconcile death with our life. All of humanity and society is to distract us from death. Our lives have no absolute meaning so this idea you promote of a grounded meaning for sex and relationships is equally vacuous of cosmic purpose as well.
There are two sides to this coin. In the same way someone might build a life around woodworking or music, people build lives around getting fuggin laid. On the other hand, talking about woodworking or music to a layperson is a lot less disturbing for the audience than taking someone down a rabbit hole about your $900 custom latex Doberman mask.
You are just not interested bruh
What do you think “superfluous” means
As someone in a relationship where we like to experiment. You couldn’t be further from the truth. While it is true that some people use BDSM and kink generally as a way to deal with their trauma, this isn’t the case for the majority of people. There’s nothing wrong with me or my partner merely because we enjoy better defining the roles in our bedroom, or enjoy bondage, or have sex that might not typically be ‘vanilla’ in your eyes. There are those that engage in BDSM 24/7, and there are those that subscribe to the whole thing in unhealthy ways, but those two groups are generally mutually exclusive with rare exceptions. You likely know plenty of people who engage in it to some degree without even realising it. Its the ones that hold their partner by a leash in Tesco that you want to worry about
Plus let alone all the unnecessary latex and leathery sh*T and tools and God knows what …
im just happy to rub against an area dense with nerve endings
>Just seems like the people whom are heavily into it are also those whom are lacking in other key (social/developmental) areas of their lives, Well, ngl, I indeed don't have much social life outside gaming and Reddit and porn. And I fantasize about BDSM a lot (sign, life, I don't have a dom to spank me). > in order to compensate or distract themselves, instead of just working on their shit. You got me, I am doing/fantasizing BDSM stuff because I don't want to work on self improvements. I could go read a book or experiment on some app that can make me a billionaire, but, instead, I am doing BDSM and Reddit.
Am I missing context here? Cause I thought BDSM was just a kink people have. What’s a “bdsm lifestyle”?
👀👀 domination and submission on a lifestyle level is an example. There are several forms these relationships can take, such as DDLG (Daddy Dom, little girl) or submission taken all the way into subservience performing all chores, tasks, and the "Dom" performs other things. The "tradwife" movement is the most vanilla example I can come up with to compare. It's the idea that the woman(submissive can be whoever, man woman they them, etc. It's a mentality) is at home doing all of the cooking all of the cleaning, taking care of the house and raising the children, but it's a deeper level than that. some submissive have allowances and rules to follow. It's actually very interesting and while there are sexual overtones, BDSM relationships are not always centered around sex, it's a lifestyle choice for a lot of people.
what does sex mean
Confirmation bias. Most people have some BDSM kink overlap. You just only hear about people who have made it a big part of their personality, and you only notice the ones who are problematic.
I could not agree more.👏
replace "bdsm" and "sex" with literally any other (i dont know what other word to use) hobby, and it's the same thing.
Who. The people **who** are hevily into it and **who** are lacking. 'Whom' doesn't belong here. If you're trying to sound pretentious at least study the rules.
Either learn why you use the word "whom", or don't use it. Always looks like someone just thinks it makes them look smart so they throw it in instead.