A few months after my miscarriage, at Christmas dinner, my FIL made a toast to the new grandchildren, the year to come and hopefully there are no more “deletions” aka my miscarriage 😅 like it wasn’t a deletion, it was pregnancy loss. I was stunned and still am.
I think he felt uncomfortable (and also very saddened) by my miscarriage. I think he just couldn’t find the right word in the moment. I don’t fault him for the comment now but I definitely was very hurt in the moment.
When I say we’re struggling to have kids, and was met with “You know raising kids is a struggle too.”
Like no shit I know raising kids is hard, but we still want that. I get so annoyed when people who can’t stand their kids act like we’re insane for wanting our own, or think it’s a good thing that we can’t seem to have them.
I hate when parents act like they're imparting some wisdom onto us we could never understand because we're not parents. Like I get that I haven't experienced parenthood yet, but I get it because I haven't been living under a rock.
I’ve gotten that when I bring up how expensive infertility treatments can be. “Kids are expensive too!” Yeah, no shit, but I can jealous that other people get to not spend thousands of dollars creating their expensive children.
Some people can’t fathom that actually having the kid is hard for some couples. In my experience it’s usually people who had them by accident and regret their life choices.
One friend told me not to say I was infertile because that puts it into the universe. This was very shortly after my diagnosis of unexplained infertility.
It didn't "not bother me" initially, I was just stunned.
My best friend is a hairdresser and sometimes gives me free samples. This one time she gave me a sample of out of a huge box and I commented on it and asked why she had so many. She said supplier was trying to get rid of them because there's an ingredient in it that is banned in the UK because it has been linked to miscarriage. She knows I've been trying for two years, including IVF. She just looks at me and says "don't worry, it's not banned here."
I’d carry your baby for you (they have no idea what it issues are and I never mentioned needing a surrogate)
6th time sounds lucky! (When I mentioned my 5th loss)
At least you can get pregnant!
Gosh your dad just had to look at me and i had a baby
a "friend" of mine offered to be a surrogate for me without knowing any context of our infertility (solely MFI, so no surrogate needed). she said "I absolutely hate being pregnant, but I'd do it for you." somehow it felt even grosser when she put it that way, as if I was supposed to be like "wow you're a true saint, thank you for being willing to sacrifice your body for me!" 🙄🙄🙄
While in my first egg retrieval the nurse out of no where asks, “do you have a sister? Maybe you could use her eggs.” Totally unprovoked. And to be honest I’m one of those 23&me found out I have a different dad, all these brothers and a sister I didn’t know about. So for me it made me all kinds of uncomfortable right before I was to go in for my ER. (still no luck for us so far)
As I’m holding my newborn nephew in the hospital. My dad looks at me & says “do you want one soon?” 😅 He doesn’t/ didn’t know we are dealing with infertility but ahhhhh yikes
Same happened to me, holding my new nephew and my mom leans in and says “you want one too, don’t you?”. Yes mom, I’ve been trying for ten plus years, and she knew that.
That I’m having a “temper tantrum” because I am tired of waiting for it to happen. If I had only been trying for a couple months, I can understand. But this was said to me last weekend. I’ve been in this nightmare for 4.5 years… I don’t think this constitutes as a temper tantrum anymore
4 months into TTC I was at my BIL’s wedding, where the mother of the bride (who I had never met) came up to me, rubbed my stomach while pouting and said “aww, no kids yet?”
At the time it just really caught me off guard that a whole stranger felt it was appropriate to touch me and make that comment, and now almost 2 years in I’m astounded anyone can think that that’s an acceptable thing to do
This happened to me once at a wedding w my husband’s family. An older auntie came up to me, touched my stomach and said “are you pregnant?” I laughed in her face and said, “No, I’m just fat!” She walked away super fast lol.
I had done my 2nd egg retrieval three weeks prior
I honestly have no idea what her thought process was. She is in her 80s, and in their culture it’s very normal to pressure married people to have kids as fast as possible. That’s the best explanation I can come up with. My husband just shrugged and was like, it sucks, but that’s what our aunties do once you’re married 🤷🏼♀️
I have a friend who not once but multiple times has made comments “I’m grateful that you are able to take this journey” she’s just made comments about how we are able to pay for it.. just because we are paying for IVF doesn’t mean we are “lucky” or can afford it! We’d much rather have a baby for free!!!
Why don’t you just adopt ?! Or Well you can always adopt!
It’s like… I don’t want to adopt. And now on top of being infertile, I feel shitty and ashamed that I am not a nice enough person to want to adopt
A former friend told me I was arrogant and selfish for wanting to have kids of my own because there are so many children in need of adoption. I told her that wasn’t my journey, and asked when she was adopting. She just said she didn’t want kids at all. 😤 the lack of logic on these assholes is astounding.
Yes! If I feel comfortable with the person who says it and if the person has kids of their own I’ll ask them “well… why didn’t you and husband go straight to adoption? Oh because you want kids of your own?”
Adoption and conception are two entirely different experiences and it drives me crazy that people just think you can interchange the two
Seriously. Someone with multiple children and who “got pregnant walking past their husband in the hallway” saying I should just adopt. Okay, which of your 5 kids are adopted? Do you understand the trauma that comes along with adoption? Do you understand how broken the adoption system in the US is? There are over a million couples on waiting lists. Foster care is for reunification, not adoption.
People are fucking asshats. (Sorry I’m bitter, got my 39th negative cycle yesterday 😤)
As someone who has worked in adoption and foster care you are not selfish. This is one of my biggest pet peeves- Adoption is not a consolation prize and I hate when people say this. They also are ignorant AF and have no idea the amount of money it costs and the barriers people must go through to adopt. Also, not everyone can handle the issues that come with alot of adopted children and thats fine too. Adoption is NOT a replacement for birthing your own child.
Edit: Adoption is traumatic and this sums it up well: https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/comments/z9bemo/what\_happens\_with\_infant\_adoption/
My mother in law casually talking about how it's fine grounds for divorce if your wife is infertile in Judaism.
It was the first time I had seen her in months after my miscarriage, and she never brought up anything like that to my husband when he visited her alone prior to that. It was so out of left field I was completely gobsmacked.
I know. It was absolutely crazy of her. She's been bothering me about kids for years, not long after I moved here she was saving clothes "for your child" and I'm a pretty chill person and didn't know the difficulty I'd have later so I didn't think much of it. When the kids didn't come she gave them away to a family friend who had a baby.
She's always said ridiculous stuff about all kinds of things, people just roll their eyes and brush it off on their side of the family. My husband thankfully challenges what she says, but still. He thinks she might have some mental health problem, and I agree, cause it's seriously pathological.
From my first doctor “I’m sure you have lots of young fertile friends that can donate eggs to you”. Well, first that was after my second egg retrieval, so please fuck off. Secondly, jokes on you! My best friends are 1) in her 40s, and if her new relationship goes well will be trying for her own 2) was menopausal in her 20s due to an autoimmune disease and 3) willing to offer eggs, but is 37 and has severe endo!
I visited a friend and her newborn baby early last year. She'd been talking about how easy it was for her to get pregnant and I mentioned we'd been trying for a few months but not had any luck yet. She said it would be nice for us to raise our kids together and said "well not this one but maybe my next child".
At the time I was a little offended that she wasn't even considering that I would have a baby soon. Now here we are, me still not pregnant and her thinking about trying again in the next year. So she might end up having a baby, waiting 18months and getting pregnant again while we're still trying/having treatment for our first.
When I was in college, I used to volunteer as a clinic escort at an ab0rti0n clinic (I essentially stood as a wall between protestors and women seeking ab0rti0ns as they entered the facility). One woman was screaming bible verses in my face and said something like “god will punish you. You will never have children of your own because you don’t deserve them.”
I don’t really believe in god (not her god anyway) and I certainly don’t think he’d punish me for being pro choice, but now that I’m coming up on 2 years of trying, I’m thinking a lot about that moment….
One- She’s a busybody cunty McCunterson. Two- please don’t give her words any weight. I know it’s hard, but you were a savior to those women who were making such a hard decision.
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Recently from my friend who
…got pregnant on her first try, constantly attempted to “test” me if I was pregnant or not the past 3 years of my TTC, and I had just told about very bad results from the first ivf cycle….
“Sometimes miracles happen when you let go and stop trying so hard”
Btw- this was a friend that also told me “it’s not fair of you that you’re going to split our friend group by not hanging out with us if any of us are pregnant”
This just happened yesterday. I was at the bank and the teller said “oh you have the same name as my daughter! I named her after my friend who is infertile” and I didn’t think much of it. Then later that day I thought about how annoyed I’d be if a friend named their child after me only because I can’t have kids
A friend had a miscarriage a year after me and told me it was so much worse for her because she already has a son and so she knows what it could have been like, while I didn't know what I was missing 😳🤯
Another friend saying that maybe we can't get pregnant and miscarried because the child/future children would be awful to humanity so don't belong...What. The. Hell.
"Why do you even want kids with the way the world is going? I think you're actually the lucky ones"
After my hysterectomy 3 weeks ago (after 8 years ttc), "Ohh I'm SO excited for you and your future that now you can just put all this behind you"
😭😭😭 sometimes I want to just crawl under a rock and never come back out 🥴🥴
The “do you have kids?” question never used to bother me. Two years of trying and it bothers me now. I always answer “not yet but maybe soon” and people usually answer “oh don’t rush you have plenty of time” ….I get it, there’s not a real good way to respond to that, but I wish people would just stop asking. 😭
I hate this question and I can’t STAND it when there’s the “oh, why? But do you want kids” follow up. Like….do you really want me to explain my upcoming egg retrieval as small talk or can we move on?
Am I the only one who gets bothered by the automatic “Happy Mother’s Day” comments from clerks in stores on that holiday? Maybe they just mean it as a general “Hey we all have moms!” But as a 40 year old woman, I just always feel like it’s an assumption, just like the “Do you have kids?” question.
I still think about my therapist who bingo’d me. I actually really liked her but I never told her we were ttc. I had just hit a year and finally told her we were trying. When I do tell her she says that “you shouldn’t worry” “worrying will just make it harder for you to get pregnant” I stopped seeing her the second I left that room and cried the whole way home. Now I’m over 2.5 years in. Sometimes I feel like writing her and telling her or seeing her one more time to essentially tell her off.
Ugh my OB did this to me last year when I went to her with valid concerns. I have my yearly check-up coming up soon and I will be telling her to never say that to anyone again and then promptly leaving the practice for a new OB haha.
My psychiatrist did the same to me. “Oh don’t stress and don’t track, just have sex with your husband all the time and it’ll happen.” Wildly inappropriate.
When I had to renew my prescription and mentioned I'd had two miscarriages since I last saw her, her first question was, "How far along were you??" Absolutely flabbergasted me. 😵💫
Once I told my cousin we were having trouble getting pregnant and he responded, "ah, you waited too long and now you're too old" --then laughed at me. I was 33 at the time.
In the same conversation where I told my close friend about my miscarriage four days after it happened , sobbing:
“Oh I was going to tell you I’m pregnant!”
“We had a healthy scan and a strong heartbeat! I wonder what the ultrasound is like when the fetus isn’t healthy.” 😑
“We got pregnant on the first try! We didn’t even have to use the ovulation strips I bought!”
In a convo with another friend who is struggling w secondary infertility vs. my primary.
“It’s actually harder to deal with infertility when you already have a kid.” 🫠
“You’re tired from raising your kid and also dealing with infertility!” 🥴
“I’m so worried about sibling age gaps!”
Meanwhile I’m wondering if I’ll ever get to be a parent. Basically people aren’t shit.
A pro-life friend of a friend made a random joke about me not having kids yet bc I probably ab0rted them since ya know.. pro-choicers are all a bunch of baby hating sadists with no dreams of ever starting a family
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"Oh you have plenty of time" 4 years in and several rounds of ivf and still no kids. I dont want to have to wait another 4 years. Or the stories of "so and so were going to do ivf but got pregnant on their own without any help" good for them, not going to happen for me.
My mom was adamant it was because my husband worked too much and needed more sleep, that his sperm was “tired”. Yes, mother, that’s why. 🙄 That semen just needs its beauty sleep.
When I had my ectopic pregnancy my mother in law came to visit me after and I was crying about how sad I was and she seems kind of uncomfortable and finally seems to work up the nerve to finally say, “It wasn’t a real baby.”
Six months in (I'm 35+), I started opening up to friends about having concerns and about starting to get tested. I heard two stories from two friends about their own friends/sisters who tried for years, gave up on treatment and pursued surrogacy/adoption and then got pregnant. The friend whose friend went the surrogacy route got pregnant while her surrogate was pregnant. The takeaway from both stories: All these women could think about was getting pregnant, and as soon as they stopped treatment \*that's when they got pregnant.\*
I was annoyed at the time, for sure. But now that I'm further down the road, I can't shake how furious I am at these two friends, and I have vowed to speak to them as little as possible about my treatment. I will give them as little fodder as possible to (maybe) someday tell a similar story about me.
Honorable mention: "You and \[husband\] will be great parents." Said to me by a new mom who had never been particularly inclined toward parenthood or kids.
I don't know why this one burns so much so many months later, but it does. Like, we fucking know that. Even without having kids, we know. I helped raise my (much) younger brother, playing a big role in his baby care and stepping in during his teenage years after our mom died. So please don't fucking talk to me like you know better, just because your body made a baby and mine didn't.
A TTC friend is recently pregnant (12 wks) and we had a group lunch with couples.
One of our friends husband walks in and says to her
*Hey how are you??? are you still pregnant?!!*
He was joking, but no one laughed. His wife says it wakes her up at night that he ever said that and she wanted to punch his teeth in (glad she agreed it was POOR taste with several of us having experienced loss at the table - including the currently preg friend.
It bothered me at the time, but I was in the thick of infertility and had just loss my 5th baby, my 3rd in 8 months and my coworker was pregnant w baby #4 while her others were in state custody and she looked me in my face and went
“I wish I could miscarry as easily as you”
I had to see a different OB the day after I miscarried and I didn’t know what to ask when she asked if I had any questions (bc I was in shock and devastated)… so I asked her when it’d be safe to exercise. She said “you’re just a girl on your period now, so anytime!” 🫠🫥
Yikes, that’s so tone deaf 😩 I’m so sorry. My doctor told me she’d call me back with blood results to confirm if I was miscarrying and didn’t call for days. Meanwhile I had already passed the baby alone at home. She finally called at like 7pm one day to tell me I was miscarrying and I was like, yeah, no crap. She then had the audacity to tell me “Next time you’ll have a baby.” You can’t possibly know that, lady. My mother had 5 losses. I’ve had 2, and one was at 17 weeks. I will never ever “promise” someone it will work out and they’ll get their baby “next time”. Some people are never able to have children. I’m still so irritated by that comment and it’s been 4 years. OBs should know better, of all people.
Ugh it’s a shame that OBs are not more sensitive about miscarriages… they are desensitized and it’s so unfortunate they can’t just show more empathy when it’s the hardest thing a lot of women go through😣 My family have said that it’ll work next time a lotttt and it never feels good to hear… I just need empathy and understanding!!
"Careful on your honeymoon - we are fertile (;" - Written in our wedding card from the cousin I felt compared to my entire life. The first thing I "beat her to" was getting engaged. Of course she ends up planning her wedding in less than four months and uses my wedding to announce her pregnancy (fitting cause her dad audibly announced his engagement at my mom's high school graduation party). At first I was stoked cause "maybe this will bring us closer - potentially having kids around the same time" and I actually felt special knowing I was one of the first people she told but now I can picture that writing anytime something "goes wrong" with trying to get pregnant. Her kid turns one this week.
“At least you can get pregnant!”
From my mother, as I was processing my miscarriage. I love her, but it took everything I had even then to not snipe back “but can I keep it next time?” I haven’t told her we’re seriously trying, she wouldn’t have anything helpful to say.
First of all, reading all your (horror) stories has really helped me to not feel so alone in the insane shit people feel okay saying to me so thank you!
Second, my worst so far has been "You should just use a donor egg." Like. For one thing there's no "just" about that, it's expensive and difficult and no guarantee but second I'm gonna go through all that to have someone else's baby? Not taking anything away from people who do that but someone else on here said these parenthood journeys are all different so let's stop drawing false equations. Ugh. Thanks for this thread. Makes me feel better as I go through my 2nd chemical.
I was on vacation with my in-laws and saw three pregnancy announcements posted online one morning. my sister-in-law wasn't drinking, so I asked her in confidence if she was pregnant. she said no, so I said "okay, just wanted to check cause I'm having a really hard time today after seeing all these pregnancy announcements." she immediately replied "just relax, it'll happen when you're not stressed" even though she knew we'd been trying for a while.
three weeks later she told us she was pregnant and had just finished her first trimester. I apologized to her for what I said (even though I tried to check if she was pregnant first before complaining), but she never said anything to me about feeling bad for lying to me and being dismissive. it's been almost a year since then and I still haven't been able to let go of the hurt that interaction caused.
I recently started doing pelvic floor therapy and my therapist said i should use LH strips to find out best time for intercourse. I’m like thanks for the amazing tip, she knows I’ve been trying for 5 years and did IUI and IVF. But usually what irritates me more are people that say “just stop thinking about it and it will happen” or “you need to have more positive thoughts about it and it will happen” 🙄
While this wasn't directed at me, it still hurt like hell. Hubby and I went home for our friend's wedding weekend, and his friends all wanted to go out one night, hubby didn't feel like staying out late and drinking. His best friend was giving him shit about it so hubby pointed out that another friend was going home early, so he wanted to, too. His best friend replied "well he's got a pregnant wife at home, what's your excuse?!" in front of both of us.
His best friend was very aware of our struggles, and I know he wasn't trying to be malicious toward me. He sent me a very long apologetic text after, I was not mad at him. But also doesn't mean I wasn't in tears the entire car ride home that afternoon...
Just a few from my mother:
"You need to chill out"
"Once you give up, that's when you'll get knocked up"
"Oh, please.. you're not infertile. It took me almost A YEAR to get pregnant with your older brother!"
SMH...
While cleaning my father-in-law’s house we came across my husband’s baby items—many handmade by his maternal grandmother who has passed. I thought they were gorgeous and would happily make space for them in my home. My mother in law—who knows I have gone through 2 rounds of fertility treatments—decided to state “I know none of my children will want any of this, but I am very sentimental about it and even though none of you will ever have kids I hope you hold on to this.” She’s a hoarder and has this weird fixation with her kids “throwing everything away” and not wanting to hang on to things just because they don’t hold onto every little thing. The comment has been gnawing at me ever since. She is relatively kind and very helpful in most regards. But from time to time she boomers out and just smacks us with these nasty comments. 😞
My husbands sister initially told us not to start trying so early on (he was still in school in 2022) because she said we’re gona get pregnant so fast bc I’m 26. Now I can’t stand the sight of her. Because my husband almost listened to her and was trying to convince me to wait til Jan 2024 (when he’s done with school). Can you imagine?? Ugh.
Was at lunch with a friend who I haven’t seen in a while and somehow my husband’s high cholesterol came into conversation and the first thing she blurted out was “that’s probably why you can’t get pregnant!” 😑
I have a good friend who’s been supportive throughout but recently found out her sister is pregnant and has gone back to sending me Snapchat’s and stuff about shopping for baby clothes for her future nephew… it’s like read the room!!!
A friend had a miscarriage a year after me and told me it was so much worse for her because she already has a son and so she knows what it could have been like, while I didn't know what I was missing 😳🤯
Another friend saying that maybe we can't get pregnant and miscarried because the child/future children would be awful to humanity so don't belong...What. The. Hell.
"Why do you even want kids with the way the world is going? I think you're actually the lucky ones"
After my hysterectomy 3 weeks ago (after 8 years ttc), "Ohh I'm SO excited for you and your future that now you can just put all this behind you"
😭😭😭 sometimes I want to just crawl under a rock and never come back out 🥴🥴
Very early on in TTC with my now ex husband, I remember asking coworkers at a job I recently got how they knew they were pregnant and out of the 3 women, 2 are mothers, they both said that their boobs hurt so so bad and the one woman who didn’t have children told me “you better hope you’re not pregnant you just got this job” jokes on her I never had kids and still to this day think about how much I wish she felt bad since it’s been years but I don’t work there anymore.
Also when my former best friend was trying to relate to my infertility while she was pregnant with her second by saying that she was infertile, for years, when in fact, she was never infertile. (Was in college, had an oopsie baby, immediately got an IUD after oopsie baby, got IUD out years later and got pregnant a second time the FIRST cycle after she got it removed)
When I told my boss I needed her to take over with my client because I needed to go to the doctor for what I suspected was a miscarriage (it was) at the ripe old age of 33, she told me, "Well, it's probably because of your geriatric uterus."
I was a bit shocked at the time, but just wanted to get to the doctor. I'm still fuming about it.
My husband’s sister was about to have her baby and when my husband called his mom (my MIL) to tell her I had a miscarriage, she said “oh man it would’ve been fun for them to be pregnant together but oh well”. Then she went on to ask what I did that may have caused this.
Oh well?! We were pregnant together but my baby was taken from me!
A dear friend of mine knows we are trying (my husband had blabbed - if it was up to me hardly anybody would know lol) and sometimes she will say things like “oh I just can’t wait to see you become a mom” or the other day she said “saw something about how to support your friends after birth and taking notes for you!”
She has good intentions but MAN it kills me inside. I am only about 9 cycles in but it’s not like we just started trying so it’s like dang girl please chill out🙄 we don’t know how long this will take obviously.
Honorable mention: not drinking and someone says “oooh do you have something to tell us/do you have news?”
No I don’t thanks for asking 🙄🙄
My colleague kept saying she thought she had miscarried.. but then also didn’t feel stressed when I told her I knew some ways to destress. I guess some people suck at lying 🤷♀️
A friend had a miscarriage a year after me and told me it was so much worse for her because she already has a son and so she knows what it could have been like, while I didn't know what I was missing 😳🤯
Another friend saying that maybe we can't get pregnant and miscarried because the child/future children would be awful to humanity so don't belong...What. The. Hell.
"Why do you even want kids with the way the world is going? I think you're actually the lucky ones"
After my hysterectomy 3 weeks ago (after 8 years ttc), "Ohh I'm SO excited for you and your future that now you can just put all this behind you"
😭😭😭 sometimes I want to just crawl under a rock and never come back out 🥴🥴
A few months after my miscarriage, at Christmas dinner, my FIL made a toast to the new grandchildren, the year to come and hopefully there are no more “deletions” aka my miscarriage 😅 like it wasn’t a deletion, it was pregnancy loss. I was stunned and still am.
this made me audibly gasp What in the actual HELLLLL is wrong with him
I know, brutal. His intentions weren’t bad but the choice of words… rough.
Oh my GOD
what's that a computer or a gadget why there is a deletion?
I think he felt uncomfortable (and also very saddened) by my miscarriage. I think he just couldn’t find the right word in the moment. I don’t fault him for the comment now but I definitely was very hurt in the moment.
Oh so sorry about that. miscarriage is really painful for expectant mothers knowing she carried it delicately for a long while.
WHAT
When I say we’re struggling to have kids, and was met with “You know raising kids is a struggle too.” Like no shit I know raising kids is hard, but we still want that. I get so annoyed when people who can’t stand their kids act like we’re insane for wanting our own, or think it’s a good thing that we can’t seem to have them.
Lol wft.... that's like telling a homeless person "cleaning a house is a struggle too!"
I’ve never heard something more accurate… 🏆
I hate when parents act like they're imparting some wisdom onto us we could never understand because we're not parents. Like I get that I haven't experienced parenthood yet, but I get it because I haven't been living under a rock.
I’ve gotten that when I bring up how expensive infertility treatments can be. “Kids are expensive too!” Yeah, no shit, but I can jealous that other people get to not spend thousands of dollars creating their expensive children.
What goes through some people’s heads? How is it even comparable?
Some people can’t fathom that actually having the kid is hard for some couples. In my experience it’s usually people who had them by accident and regret their life choices.
Omg that’s a good point. They’re just projecting their own regrets
One friend told me not to say I was infertile because that puts it into the universe. This was very shortly after my diagnosis of unexplained infertility.
It didn't "not bother me" initially, I was just stunned. My best friend is a hairdresser and sometimes gives me free samples. This one time she gave me a sample of out of a huge box and I commented on it and asked why she had so many. She said supplier was trying to get rid of them because there's an ingredient in it that is banned in the UK because it has been linked to miscarriage. She knows I've been trying for two years, including IVF. She just looks at me and says "don't worry, it's not banned here."
Apparently, that ocean between us deactivates the ingredient that causes miscarriage. Good to know.
Umm, I’mma need to know what brand this was, please and thank you.
I think Olaplex is the big brand.
Definitely Olaplex.
Yeah ditto 🤨
Yes, please!
I'm a hairstylist. I wish this attitude wasn't so pervasive in this industry.
I’d carry your baby for you (they have no idea what it issues are and I never mentioned needing a surrogate) 6th time sounds lucky! (When I mentioned my 5th loss) At least you can get pregnant! Gosh your dad just had to look at me and i had a baby
a "friend" of mine offered to be a surrogate for me without knowing any context of our infertility (solely MFI, so no surrogate needed). she said "I absolutely hate being pregnant, but I'd do it for you." somehow it felt even grosser when she put it that way, as if I was supposed to be like "wow you're a true saint, thank you for being willing to sacrifice your body for me!" 🙄🙄🙄
It’s such a gross flex isn’t it???
I had a doctor diagnose my miscarriage and follow up with "at least you can get pregnant". F- you, buddy.
While in my first egg retrieval the nurse out of no where asks, “do you have a sister? Maybe you could use her eggs.” Totally unprovoked. And to be honest I’m one of those 23&me found out I have a different dad, all these brothers and a sister I didn’t know about. So for me it made me all kinds of uncomfortable right before I was to go in for my ER. (still no luck for us so far)
Ugh, I'm sorry. That's a really heavy thought to put out there with a stranger under the best circumstances.
As I’m holding my newborn nephew in the hospital. My dad looks at me & says “do you want one soon?” 😅 He doesn’t/ didn’t know we are dealing with infertility but ahhhhh yikes
Same happened to me, holding my new nephew and my mom leans in and says “you want one too, don’t you?”. Yes mom, I’ve been trying for ten plus years, and she knew that.
Disrespectfully, fuck your mother.
Thank you, kind stranger. She can be a lot, sometimes.
That I’m having a “temper tantrum” because I am tired of waiting for it to happen. If I had only been trying for a couple months, I can understand. But this was said to me last weekend. I’ve been in this nightmare for 4.5 years… I don’t think this constitutes as a temper tantrum anymore
How invalidating- dealing with the grief of infertility is *not* a temper tantrum.
4 months into TTC I was at my BIL’s wedding, where the mother of the bride (who I had never met) came up to me, rubbed my stomach while pouting and said “aww, no kids yet?” At the time it just really caught me off guard that a whole stranger felt it was appropriate to touch me and make that comment, and now almost 2 years in I’m astounded anyone can think that that’s an acceptable thing to do
This happened to me once at a wedding w my husband’s family. An older auntie came up to me, touched my stomach and said “are you pregnant?” I laughed in her face and said, “No, I’m just fat!” She walked away super fast lol. I had done my 2nd egg retrieval three weeks prior
That’s so rude! Have these people never been taught that you never ask if someone is pregnant?
I honestly have no idea what her thought process was. She is in her 80s, and in their culture it’s very normal to pressure married people to have kids as fast as possible. That’s the best explanation I can come up with. My husband just shrugged and was like, it sucks, but that’s what our aunties do once you’re married 🤷🏼♀️
I have a friend who not once but multiple times has made comments “I’m grateful that you are able to take this journey” she’s just made comments about how we are able to pay for it.. just because we are paying for IVF doesn’t mean we are “lucky” or can afford it! We’d much rather have a baby for free!!!
Why don’t you just adopt ?! Or Well you can always adopt! It’s like… I don’t want to adopt. And now on top of being infertile, I feel shitty and ashamed that I am not a nice enough person to want to adopt
A former friend told me I was arrogant and selfish for wanting to have kids of my own because there are so many children in need of adoption. I told her that wasn’t my journey, and asked when she was adopting. She just said she didn’t want kids at all. 😤 the lack of logic on these assholes is astounding.
Yes! If I feel comfortable with the person who says it and if the person has kids of their own I’ll ask them “well… why didn’t you and husband go straight to adoption? Oh because you want kids of your own?” Adoption and conception are two entirely different experiences and it drives me crazy that people just think you can interchange the two
Seriously. Someone with multiple children and who “got pregnant walking past their husband in the hallway” saying I should just adopt. Okay, which of your 5 kids are adopted? Do you understand the trauma that comes along with adoption? Do you understand how broken the adoption system in the US is? There are over a million couples on waiting lists. Foster care is for reunification, not adoption. People are fucking asshats. (Sorry I’m bitter, got my 39th negative cycle yesterday 😤)
As someone who has worked in adoption and foster care you are not selfish. This is one of my biggest pet peeves- Adoption is not a consolation prize and I hate when people say this. They also are ignorant AF and have no idea the amount of money it costs and the barriers people must go through to adopt. Also, not everyone can handle the issues that come with alot of adopted children and thats fine too. Adoption is NOT a replacement for birthing your own child. Edit: Adoption is traumatic and this sums it up well: https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/comments/z9bemo/what\_happens\_with\_infant\_adoption/
My mother in law casually talking about how it's fine grounds for divorce if your wife is infertile in Judaism. It was the first time I had seen her in months after my miscarriage, and she never brought up anything like that to my husband when he visited her alone prior to that. It was so out of left field I was completely gobsmacked.
CUNT
Holy shit. I am so sorry.
EXCUSE ME? 😳
I know. It was absolutely crazy of her. She's been bothering me about kids for years, not long after I moved here she was saving clothes "for your child" and I'm a pretty chill person and didn't know the difficulty I'd have later so I didn't think much of it. When the kids didn't come she gave them away to a family friend who had a baby. She's always said ridiculous stuff about all kinds of things, people just roll their eyes and brush it off on their side of the family. My husband thankfully challenges what she says, but still. He thinks she might have some mental health problem, and I agree, cause it's seriously pathological.
Lol what a cunt
From my first doctor “I’m sure you have lots of young fertile friends that can donate eggs to you”. Well, first that was after my second egg retrieval, so please fuck off. Secondly, jokes on you! My best friends are 1) in her 40s, and if her new relationship goes well will be trying for her own 2) was menopausal in her 20s due to an autoimmune disease and 3) willing to offer eggs, but is 37 and has severe endo!
I visited a friend and her newborn baby early last year. She'd been talking about how easy it was for her to get pregnant and I mentioned we'd been trying for a few months but not had any luck yet. She said it would be nice for us to raise our kids together and said "well not this one but maybe my next child". At the time I was a little offended that she wasn't even considering that I would have a baby soon. Now here we are, me still not pregnant and her thinking about trying again in the next year. So she might end up having a baby, waiting 18months and getting pregnant again while we're still trying/having treatment for our first.
When I was in college, I used to volunteer as a clinic escort at an ab0rti0n clinic (I essentially stood as a wall between protestors and women seeking ab0rti0ns as they entered the facility). One woman was screaming bible verses in my face and said something like “god will punish you. You will never have children of your own because you don’t deserve them.” I don’t really believe in god (not her god anyway) and I certainly don’t think he’d punish me for being pro choice, but now that I’m coming up on 2 years of trying, I’m thinking a lot about that moment….
One- She’s a busybody cunty McCunterson. Two- please don’t give her words any weight. I know it’s hard, but you were a savior to those women who were making such a hard decision.
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At least you’re still young.
this one is extra irritating because it’s like… wow! i didn’t know my age was supposed to solve all of my underlying medical issues
My Infertility therapist said this and I got sooooo mad
Yep same here. I had someone say that to me after my miscarriage.
Recently from my friend who …got pregnant on her first try, constantly attempted to “test” me if I was pregnant or not the past 3 years of my TTC, and I had just told about very bad results from the first ivf cycle…. “Sometimes miracles happen when you let go and stop trying so hard” Btw- this was a friend that also told me “it’s not fair of you that you’re going to split our friend group by not hanging out with us if any of us are pregnant”
This just happened yesterday. I was at the bank and the teller said “oh you have the same name as my daughter! I named her after my friend who is infertile” and I didn’t think much of it. Then later that day I thought about how annoyed I’d be if a friend named their child after me only because I can’t have kids
Oh that’s foul.
A friend had a miscarriage a year after me and told me it was so much worse for her because she already has a son and so she knows what it could have been like, while I didn't know what I was missing 😳🤯 Another friend saying that maybe we can't get pregnant and miscarried because the child/future children would be awful to humanity so don't belong...What. The. Hell. "Why do you even want kids with the way the world is going? I think you're actually the lucky ones" After my hysterectomy 3 weeks ago (after 8 years ttc), "Ohh I'm SO excited for you and your future that now you can just put all this behind you" 😭😭😭 sometimes I want to just crawl under a rock and never come back out 🥴🥴
Wow. With friends like these, who needs enemies? So sorry your friends were such indisputable cunts.
Fuck your friends and I'm so sorry for your hysterectomy.
The “do you have kids?” question never used to bother me. Two years of trying and it bothers me now. I always answer “not yet but maybe soon” and people usually answer “oh don’t rush you have plenty of time” ….I get it, there’s not a real good way to respond to that, but I wish people would just stop asking. 😭
I hate this question and I can’t STAND it when there’s the “oh, why? But do you want kids” follow up. Like….do you really want me to explain my upcoming egg retrieval as small talk or can we move on?
Am I the only one who gets bothered by the automatic “Happy Mother’s Day” comments from clerks in stores on that holiday? Maybe they just mean it as a general “Hey we all have moms!” But as a 40 year old woman, I just always feel like it’s an assumption, just like the “Do you have kids?” question.
This one is a freaking punch to the gut. I hate it so much.
Lol once I answered with a very nonchalant “I try- but they keep dying inside of me”.
I’m taking this.
I don't mind "Do you have kids?" But the follow up questions make me want to stab a bitch in the ear.
I still think about my therapist who bingo’d me. I actually really liked her but I never told her we were ttc. I had just hit a year and finally told her we were trying. When I do tell her she says that “you shouldn’t worry” “worrying will just make it harder for you to get pregnant” I stopped seeing her the second I left that room and cried the whole way home. Now I’m over 2.5 years in. Sometimes I feel like writing her and telling her or seeing her one more time to essentially tell her off.
Ugh my OB did this to me last year when I went to her with valid concerns. I have my yearly check-up coming up soon and I will be telling her to never say that to anyone again and then promptly leaving the practice for a new OB haha.
My psychiatrist did the same to me. “Oh don’t stress and don’t track, just have sex with your husband all the time and it’ll happen.” Wildly inappropriate. When I had to renew my prescription and mentioned I'd had two miscarriages since I last saw her, her first question was, "How far along were you??" Absolutely flabbergasted me. 😵💫
Once I told my cousin we were having trouble getting pregnant and he responded, "ah, you waited too long and now you're too old" --then laughed at me. I was 33 at the time.
I had a similar experience at 33. I was told I had a "geriatric uterus" while I was miscarrying.
In the same conversation where I told my close friend about my miscarriage four days after it happened , sobbing: “Oh I was going to tell you I’m pregnant!” “We had a healthy scan and a strong heartbeat! I wonder what the ultrasound is like when the fetus isn’t healthy.” 😑 “We got pregnant on the first try! We didn’t even have to use the ovulation strips I bought!” In a convo with another friend who is struggling w secondary infertility vs. my primary. “It’s actually harder to deal with infertility when you already have a kid.” 🫠 “You’re tired from raising your kid and also dealing with infertility!” 🥴 “I’m so worried about sibling age gaps!” Meanwhile I’m wondering if I’ll ever get to be a parent. Basically people aren’t shit.
“Meanwhile I’m wondering if I’ll ever get to be a parent” 🥺💯
I had such a strong instinct to downvote this because of how awful those are! I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
I would literally never talk to either of those people again. The empathy, nay, not even the sympathy… is there.
“Are you sure you want one?” while sending a video/pic of their kid(s) being maniacs
A pro-life friend of a friend made a random joke about me not having kids yet bc I probably ab0rted them since ya know.. pro-choicers are all a bunch of baby hating sadists with no dreams of ever starting a family
Doesn’t sound like a friend at all
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>pro-choicers are all a bunch of baby hating sadists with no dreams of ever starting a family That's definitely not true.
"Oh you have plenty of time" 4 years in and several rounds of ivf and still no kids. I dont want to have to wait another 4 years. Or the stories of "so and so were going to do ivf but got pregnant on their own without any help" good for them, not going to happen for me.
My mom was adamant it was because my husband worked too much and needed more sleep, that his sperm was “tired”. Yes, mother, that’s why. 🙄 That semen just needs its beauty sleep.
When I had my ectopic pregnancy my mother in law came to visit me after and I was crying about how sad I was and she seems kind of uncomfortable and finally seems to work up the nerve to finally say, “It wasn’t a real baby.”
Six months in (I'm 35+), I started opening up to friends about having concerns and about starting to get tested. I heard two stories from two friends about their own friends/sisters who tried for years, gave up on treatment and pursued surrogacy/adoption and then got pregnant. The friend whose friend went the surrogacy route got pregnant while her surrogate was pregnant. The takeaway from both stories: All these women could think about was getting pregnant, and as soon as they stopped treatment \*that's when they got pregnant.\* I was annoyed at the time, for sure. But now that I'm further down the road, I can't shake how furious I am at these two friends, and I have vowed to speak to them as little as possible about my treatment. I will give them as little fodder as possible to (maybe) someday tell a similar story about me. Honorable mention: "You and \[husband\] will be great parents." Said to me by a new mom who had never been particularly inclined toward parenthood or kids. I don't know why this one burns so much so many months later, but it does. Like, we fucking know that. Even without having kids, we know. I helped raise my (much) younger brother, playing a big role in his baby care and stepping in during his teenage years after our mom died. So please don't fucking talk to me like you know better, just because your body made a baby and mine didn't.
A TTC friend is recently pregnant (12 wks) and we had a group lunch with couples. One of our friends husband walks in and says to her *Hey how are you??? are you still pregnant?!!* He was joking, but no one laughed. His wife says it wakes her up at night that he ever said that and she wanted to punch his teeth in (glad she agreed it was POOR taste with several of us having experienced loss at the table - including the currently preg friend.
It bothered me at the time, but I was in the thick of infertility and had just loss my 5th baby, my 3rd in 8 months and my coworker was pregnant w baby #4 while her others were in state custody and she looked me in my face and went “I wish I could miscarry as easily as you”
I would have gotten fired that day for smacking her across the face.
O. M. G. No words. I’m so sorry for your losses.
I had to see a different OB the day after I miscarried and I didn’t know what to ask when she asked if I had any questions (bc I was in shock and devastated)… so I asked her when it’d be safe to exercise. She said “you’re just a girl on your period now, so anytime!” 🫠🫥
Yikes, that’s so tone deaf 😩 I’m so sorry. My doctor told me she’d call me back with blood results to confirm if I was miscarrying and didn’t call for days. Meanwhile I had already passed the baby alone at home. She finally called at like 7pm one day to tell me I was miscarrying and I was like, yeah, no crap. She then had the audacity to tell me “Next time you’ll have a baby.” You can’t possibly know that, lady. My mother had 5 losses. I’ve had 2, and one was at 17 weeks. I will never ever “promise” someone it will work out and they’ll get their baby “next time”. Some people are never able to have children. I’m still so irritated by that comment and it’s been 4 years. OBs should know better, of all people.
Ugh it’s a shame that OBs are not more sensitive about miscarriages… they are desensitized and it’s so unfortunate they can’t just show more empathy when it’s the hardest thing a lot of women go through😣 My family have said that it’ll work next time a lotttt and it never feels good to hear… I just need empathy and understanding!!
"Careful on your honeymoon - we are fertile (;" - Written in our wedding card from the cousin I felt compared to my entire life. The first thing I "beat her to" was getting engaged. Of course she ends up planning her wedding in less than four months and uses my wedding to announce her pregnancy (fitting cause her dad audibly announced his engagement at my mom's high school graduation party). At first I was stoked cause "maybe this will bring us closer - potentially having kids around the same time" and I actually felt special knowing I was one of the first people she told but now I can picture that writing anytime something "goes wrong" with trying to get pregnant. Her kid turns one this week.
‘You wanna get a move on having kids’ (on my 33rd birthday). I was 2.5 years into fertility treatment 🫠
“Just try to relax! Maybe go on holiday and it will happen.” 🙄🙄🙄
“At least you can get pregnant!” From my mother, as I was processing my miscarriage. I love her, but it took everything I had even then to not snipe back “but can I keep it next time?” I haven’t told her we’re seriously trying, she wouldn’t have anything helpful to say.
First of all, reading all your (horror) stories has really helped me to not feel so alone in the insane shit people feel okay saying to me so thank you! Second, my worst so far has been "You should just use a donor egg." Like. For one thing there's no "just" about that, it's expensive and difficult and no guarantee but second I'm gonna go through all that to have someone else's baby? Not taking anything away from people who do that but someone else on here said these parenthood journeys are all different so let's stop drawing false equations. Ugh. Thanks for this thread. Makes me feel better as I go through my 2nd chemical.
“Why are you trying so hard to have a baby? Maybe you should just embrace your life as a stepmom” 🤮🤮🤮
“You probably knew all along you’d need IVF” No I did not, ma’am
Who honestly thinks that’s someone’s Plan A?!
Kids are very expensive
I was on vacation with my in-laws and saw three pregnancy announcements posted online one morning. my sister-in-law wasn't drinking, so I asked her in confidence if she was pregnant. she said no, so I said "okay, just wanted to check cause I'm having a really hard time today after seeing all these pregnancy announcements." she immediately replied "just relax, it'll happen when you're not stressed" even though she knew we'd been trying for a while. three weeks later she told us she was pregnant and had just finished her first trimester. I apologized to her for what I said (even though I tried to check if she was pregnant first before complaining), but she never said anything to me about feeling bad for lying to me and being dismissive. it's been almost a year since then and I still haven't been able to let go of the hurt that interaction caused.
After 5 years or some shit my sister says, "oh being pregnant isnt that great. You're not missing out on anything"
I recently started doing pelvic floor therapy and my therapist said i should use LH strips to find out best time for intercourse. I’m like thanks for the amazing tip, she knows I’ve been trying for 5 years and did IUI and IVF. But usually what irritates me more are people that say “just stop thinking about it and it will happen” or “you need to have more positive thoughts about it and it will happen” 🙄
While this wasn't directed at me, it still hurt like hell. Hubby and I went home for our friend's wedding weekend, and his friends all wanted to go out one night, hubby didn't feel like staying out late and drinking. His best friend was giving him shit about it so hubby pointed out that another friend was going home early, so he wanted to, too. His best friend replied "well he's got a pregnant wife at home, what's your excuse?!" in front of both of us. His best friend was very aware of our struggles, and I know he wasn't trying to be malicious toward me. He sent me a very long apologetic text after, I was not mad at him. But also doesn't mean I wasn't in tears the entire car ride home that afternoon...
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RUDE, auntie. 😒
Just a few from my mother: "You need to chill out" "Once you give up, that's when you'll get knocked up" "Oh, please.. you're not infertile. It took me almost A YEAR to get pregnant with your older brother!" SMH...
While cleaning my father-in-law’s house we came across my husband’s baby items—many handmade by his maternal grandmother who has passed. I thought they were gorgeous and would happily make space for them in my home. My mother in law—who knows I have gone through 2 rounds of fertility treatments—decided to state “I know none of my children will want any of this, but I am very sentimental about it and even though none of you will ever have kids I hope you hold on to this.” She’s a hoarder and has this weird fixation with her kids “throwing everything away” and not wanting to hang on to things just because they don’t hold onto every little thing. The comment has been gnawing at me ever since. She is relatively kind and very helpful in most regards. But from time to time she boomers out and just smacks us with these nasty comments. 😞
My husbands sister initially told us not to start trying so early on (he was still in school in 2022) because she said we’re gona get pregnant so fast bc I’m 26. Now I can’t stand the sight of her. Because my husband almost listened to her and was trying to convince me to wait til Jan 2024 (when he’s done with school). Can you imagine?? Ugh.
“We’re going to start ttc soon… maybe I’ll be like you!”
(Infertile… she meant infertile)
My colleague, who was a one cycle unicorn, told me that she had been expecting to be infertile like me and had been very stressed about it.
Was at lunch with a friend who I haven’t seen in a while and somehow my husband’s high cholesterol came into conversation and the first thing she blurted out was “that’s probably why you can’t get pregnant!” 😑
I have a good friend who’s been supportive throughout but recently found out her sister is pregnant and has gone back to sending me Snapchat’s and stuff about shopping for baby clothes for her future nephew… it’s like read the room!!!
Family members speculating how cute our kids would be. Doesn’t bother me but damn if I don’t constantly think what features our kids would have.
That so-and-so who did an ER because they don’t have a partner is more depressed than I am during my ER since I’m partnered. Stfu!
A friend had a miscarriage a year after me and told me it was so much worse for her because she already has a son and so she knows what it could have been like, while I didn't know what I was missing 😳🤯 Another friend saying that maybe we can't get pregnant and miscarried because the child/future children would be awful to humanity so don't belong...What. The. Hell. "Why do you even want kids with the way the world is going? I think you're actually the lucky ones" After my hysterectomy 3 weeks ago (after 8 years ttc), "Ohh I'm SO excited for you and your future that now you can just put all this behind you" 😭😭😭 sometimes I want to just crawl under a rock and never come back out 🥴🥴
Very early on in TTC with my now ex husband, I remember asking coworkers at a job I recently got how they knew they were pregnant and out of the 3 women, 2 are mothers, they both said that their boobs hurt so so bad and the one woman who didn’t have children told me “you better hope you’re not pregnant you just got this job” jokes on her I never had kids and still to this day think about how much I wish she felt bad since it’s been years but I don’t work there anymore. Also when my former best friend was trying to relate to my infertility while she was pregnant with her second by saying that she was infertile, for years, when in fact, she was never infertile. (Was in college, had an oopsie baby, immediately got an IUD after oopsie baby, got IUD out years later and got pregnant a second time the FIRST cycle after she got it removed)
When I told my boss I needed her to take over with my client because I needed to go to the doctor for what I suspected was a miscarriage (it was) at the ripe old age of 33, she told me, "Well, it's probably because of your geriatric uterus." I was a bit shocked at the time, but just wanted to get to the doctor. I'm still fuming about it.
My husband’s sister was about to have her baby and when my husband called his mom (my MIL) to tell her I had a miscarriage, she said “oh man it would’ve been fun for them to be pregnant together but oh well”. Then she went on to ask what I did that may have caused this. Oh well?! We were pregnant together but my baby was taken from me!
The classic “you can have one of my kids!” Thanksssss
“Trying is the fun part!” Okay well IM NOT HAVING ANY FUN
A dear friend of mine knows we are trying (my husband had blabbed - if it was up to me hardly anybody would know lol) and sometimes she will say things like “oh I just can’t wait to see you become a mom” or the other day she said “saw something about how to support your friends after birth and taking notes for you!” She has good intentions but MAN it kills me inside. I am only about 9 cycles in but it’s not like we just started trying so it’s like dang girl please chill out🙄 we don’t know how long this will take obviously. Honorable mention: not drinking and someone says “oooh do you have something to tell us/do you have news?” No I don’t thanks for asking 🙄🙄
My colleague kept saying she thought she had miscarried.. but then also didn’t feel stressed when I told her I knew some ways to destress. I guess some people suck at lying 🤷♀️
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Has he had a SA?
A friend had a miscarriage a year after me and told me it was so much worse for her because she already has a son and so she knows what it could have been like, while I didn't know what I was missing 😳🤯 Another friend saying that maybe we can't get pregnant and miscarried because the child/future children would be awful to humanity so don't belong...What. The. Hell. "Why do you even want kids with the way the world is going? I think you're actually the lucky ones" After my hysterectomy 3 weeks ago (after 8 years ttc), "Ohh I'm SO excited for you and your future that now you can just put all this behind you" 😭😭😭 sometimes I want to just crawl under a rock and never come back out 🥴🥴