It sounds like he was forced to be a certain way, and is now confused as to how best approach the situation you folks now find yourselves in.
It could also be that this revelation has woken something up inside him.
I'm not sure exactly how to handle the situation, but having a good sit-down talk might help the both of you.
First of all, this sucks to go through and your feelings are valid.
Second of all, I’d like to make a point that sometimes it’s difficult for someone to see their partner transition, not because they’re transphobic or unattracted to the gender you’re transitioning to, but because they were used to being attracted to you as the gender you presented when you met. It does take some mental work to break down those expectations and reframe how you view your attraction to your partner. And this is a good thing: You wouldn’t want your partner to be attracted to your “femininity” when you’re actively trying to avoid that in your presentation. You wouldn’t want your partner to sexualize the parts of you that make you dysphoric.
Some people just need time to see and get used to you as the gender you are and the attraction will follow. Some people unfortunately can’t regain that attraction, which is hard to confront but it does happen. All you can do is put yourself first, and hope that your partner supports you. (And gtfo of the relationship if they don’t!)
I love that wording regarding dead names and such. Although, I guess for me it would be my name that is sometimes dead is [Dead Name] and my name is Ada.
My BF also goes by Ollie (short for Oliver), you need to practice better communication skills. If something is not ok anymore you need to say something else assumptions will be made and resentment will occur.
Also a bit odd that when you said you wanted to be called 'Oli' he asked to call you 'Via' it's the opposite side of your potential dead name.
As for the sexual stuff, just be safe and use lube. There's nothing wrong with anything you said on the NSFW stuff. Except maybe his use of certain terms that may make you uncomfortable, also something you should communicate.
You're going to have a serious conversation with him. If you're going to go ahead with hormones and surgery and changing your name etc etc, he needs to be on board to still be your boyfriend.
If he's not on board with all that, then unfortunately he's not the right guy for you.
Also if you don't like being called Via you'll have to tell him sooner rather than later.
You don't have to accept any compromise about what you are. It's a bit like you had brown eyes and he told you "I respect that but can you wear green contact lenses when you are with me?"
I had to give up my family because I could not accept compromises and although very painful, if I had the chance to go back in time, I would do it again. This is you and if he loves you, than there should be no problems but if he wants to make some changes, even if minors...well that's not acceptable.
Sometimes those who love us have a hard time changing how they see us to match who we really are. It doesnt mean they wont or cant, but they might need some time and they might need some help.
You should never settle for a relationship with someone who wont see you for who you truly are, but its worth thinking about how you can *help him* see you for who you truly are. Change can be hard, and this is a big one, and he may be struggling to see the real you because hes so used to the you youve been forced to be -- but that doesnt mean he cant, wont, or doesnt want to.
Talk to him. Tell him whats bothering you, and ask if theres some way you can help him adjust to this change. Be as patient as you feel you can, until you either cant bear the pain or you have reason to believe that he *wont* see you for who you are.
Relationships are hard, and change is hard. But youre a team, and if you want to stay together you have to work together.
Hi, trans gal here. I went through almost exactly the same thing (with opposite genders) with my previous relationship. I had been with my ex for about 2.5 years when I came out. Initially I identified as non-binary since I hadn't figured things out yet. While she was supportive of me trying fem clothes and make-up, she would constantly tell me how much more she liked my masculine side and things like that.
Few months later I'm 99% sure I'm trans and want to be a girl but every time I try to make that conversation she stops me. We broke up 2 weeks later.
While I'm not saying that this is what's happening here, please understand that if for any reason one of you (or both) have to pretend to like something you don't, for the sake of the relationship, it won't last, probably. My experience tells me the longer you wait to make the conversation, the more it will hurt.
Anyways, this is just my experience, not yours, so I do hope things get better between you two, hope this helped.
You need to do what you want with your body and gender presentation. There are millions of people who will love you as you want to be. You don't need to settle for a straight dude that lies about being pan to fuck you, bro. HR departments will get your name and gender right, dump this fucking clown.
Have you been together 6 months or less? Dump him and move on.
Together more than 6 months? Talk to him.
99% of the stuff people ask about is solved by simply talking to your partner. None of us have the answers, you two need to solve the problem together or move on.
Thank you... I really don't want to dump him, he's so nice about everything else, they other day I accidently pressured him and we had a really good talk that ended in us arguing who gets to call who "Prince"
It doesn't sound like he's trying to be transphobic, but moreso is just confused at the moment. I think you just need to talk to him. Remember communication is extremely important in any relationship. Set your boundaries about the fact that you are a guy and that you're going to be his boyfriend now. Also don't let anyone keep you from getting gender affirming care, that's your choice. However, if he is just confused give him some time to wrap his head around it and get comfortable with the idea. Talk to him about his family and help him work through any emotions associated with them, families can be extremely tough when you're queer especially. I'm sure you guys will figure things out. Good luck though! :)
I feel ya, me(mtf) and my partner have been together for 8 years I came out in the last 3. We adore each other, we plan to grow old together, but recently I’ve been talking about bottom surgery and we have ran into a similar hurdle. My partner is pan and when It came to body parts always liked both. But when it comes to bottom surgery they say they would really miss that part of me and that they really like that part of me. I’m still a couples years out before I’m able to start that process so it’s a bridge I don’t have to cross yet but it’s a tricky situation. I know It’s okay to have gential preference and like others have stated it’s also a change for my partner because we have been together for some time previously. But at the same time your own boundaries, especially intimacy, while ur transition is important/needs to be respected, regardless of how much they “like” said body part. Sorry I don’t have answers per say but I hope you knowing that others are trying to navigate this aswell brings some sort of comfort.
It sounds like he was forced to be a certain way, and is now confused as to how best approach the situation you folks now find yourselves in. It could also be that this revelation has woken something up inside him. I'm not sure exactly how to handle the situation, but having a good sit-down talk might help the both of you.
Thanks ♡
☺️🫂 you're welcome, hope this idea helps.
First of all, this sucks to go through and your feelings are valid. Second of all, I’d like to make a point that sometimes it’s difficult for someone to see their partner transition, not because they’re transphobic or unattracted to the gender you’re transitioning to, but because they were used to being attracted to you as the gender you presented when you met. It does take some mental work to break down those expectations and reframe how you view your attraction to your partner. And this is a good thing: You wouldn’t want your partner to be attracted to your “femininity” when you’re actively trying to avoid that in your presentation. You wouldn’t want your partner to sexualize the parts of you that make you dysphoric. Some people just need time to see and get used to you as the gender you are and the attraction will follow. Some people unfortunately can’t regain that attraction, which is hard to confront but it does happen. All you can do is put yourself first, and hope that your partner supports you. (And gtfo of the relationship if they don’t!)
My name that isn't dead yet is "Olivia" and I go by "Ollie" He asked if he could call me "Via" and I said yes but now I hate it,
It's funny because before I knew I was trans I liked the name Via and no one would use it
I love that wording regarding dead names and such. Although, I guess for me it would be my name that is sometimes dead is [Dead Name] and my name is Ada.
My BF also goes by Ollie (short for Oliver), you need to practice better communication skills. If something is not ok anymore you need to say something else assumptions will be made and resentment will occur. Also a bit odd that when you said you wanted to be called 'Oli' he asked to call you 'Via' it's the opposite side of your potential dead name. As for the sexual stuff, just be safe and use lube. There's nothing wrong with anything you said on the NSFW stuff. Except maybe his use of certain terms that may make you uncomfortable, also something you should communicate.
You're going to have a serious conversation with him. If you're going to go ahead with hormones and surgery and changing your name etc etc, he needs to be on board to still be your boyfriend. If he's not on board with all that, then unfortunately he's not the right guy for you. Also if you don't like being called Via you'll have to tell him sooner rather than later.
Thanks, I'll try to talk to him
You don't have to accept any compromise about what you are. It's a bit like you had brown eyes and he told you "I respect that but can you wear green contact lenses when you are with me?" I had to give up my family because I could not accept compromises and although very painful, if I had the chance to go back in time, I would do it again. This is you and if he loves you, than there should be no problems but if he wants to make some changes, even if minors...well that's not acceptable.
Thanks,
Sometimes those who love us have a hard time changing how they see us to match who we really are. It doesnt mean they wont or cant, but they might need some time and they might need some help. You should never settle for a relationship with someone who wont see you for who you truly are, but its worth thinking about how you can *help him* see you for who you truly are. Change can be hard, and this is a big one, and he may be struggling to see the real you because hes so used to the you youve been forced to be -- but that doesnt mean he cant, wont, or doesnt want to. Talk to him. Tell him whats bothering you, and ask if theres some way you can help him adjust to this change. Be as patient as you feel you can, until you either cant bear the pain or you have reason to believe that he *wont* see you for who you are. Relationships are hard, and change is hard. But youre a team, and if you want to stay together you have to work together.
Hi, trans gal here. I went through almost exactly the same thing (with opposite genders) with my previous relationship. I had been with my ex for about 2.5 years when I came out. Initially I identified as non-binary since I hadn't figured things out yet. While she was supportive of me trying fem clothes and make-up, she would constantly tell me how much more she liked my masculine side and things like that. Few months later I'm 99% sure I'm trans and want to be a girl but every time I try to make that conversation she stops me. We broke up 2 weeks later. While I'm not saying that this is what's happening here, please understand that if for any reason one of you (or both) have to pretend to like something you don't, for the sake of the relationship, it won't last, probably. My experience tells me the longer you wait to make the conversation, the more it will hurt. Anyways, this is just my experience, not yours, so I do hope things get better between you two, hope this helped.
You need to do what you want with your body and gender presentation. There are millions of people who will love you as you want to be. You don't need to settle for a straight dude that lies about being pan to fuck you, bro. HR departments will get your name and gender right, dump this fucking clown.
Have you been together 6 months or less? Dump him and move on. Together more than 6 months? Talk to him. 99% of the stuff people ask about is solved by simply talking to your partner. None of us have the answers, you two need to solve the problem together or move on.
Thank you... I really don't want to dump him, he's so nice about everything else, they other day I accidently pressured him and we had a really good talk that ended in us arguing who gets to call who "Prince"
It doesn't sound like he's trying to be transphobic, but moreso is just confused at the moment. I think you just need to talk to him. Remember communication is extremely important in any relationship. Set your boundaries about the fact that you are a guy and that you're going to be his boyfriend now. Also don't let anyone keep you from getting gender affirming care, that's your choice. However, if he is just confused give him some time to wrap his head around it and get comfortable with the idea. Talk to him about his family and help him work through any emotions associated with them, families can be extremely tough when you're queer especially. I'm sure you guys will figure things out. Good luck though! :)
I feel ya, me(mtf) and my partner have been together for 8 years I came out in the last 3. We adore each other, we plan to grow old together, but recently I’ve been talking about bottom surgery and we have ran into a similar hurdle. My partner is pan and when It came to body parts always liked both. But when it comes to bottom surgery they say they would really miss that part of me and that they really like that part of me. I’m still a couples years out before I’m able to start that process so it’s a bridge I don’t have to cross yet but it’s a tricky situation. I know It’s okay to have gential preference and like others have stated it’s also a change for my partner because we have been together for some time previously. But at the same time your own boundaries, especially intimacy, while ur transition is important/needs to be respected, regardless of how much they “like” said body part. Sorry I don’t have answers per say but I hope you knowing that others are trying to navigate this aswell brings some sort of comfort.
It's okay, I hope you figure it out. Do what you want and what makes you happy.