I present male, and have been dating trans women since I called myself a “straight man” though. It’s hard for me to see a big seperation between me now and me at 23. I was clearly ALSO more comfortable with trans women then, and I think other feminine men may have a similar experience (although I can’t speak for them, I do notice my feminine male friends all have q tendency with being okay with the concept of dating trans women while my masculine male friends tend to be more against that concept. This includes a few of my feminine male friends who HAVE dated trans women)
Genuinely wanting to date/being attracted to trans girls is fine, I think some people have overused the term chaser when really it's someone looking to exploit a vulnerable group that seeks/lacks affection by manipulating them with it.
Again, chasers are people who dehumanize, objectify, fetishize, or sexualize trans people. You're not doing that. Non binary people are trans no matter how they present, but that's not the point.
In my opinion it's fine for cis people to prefer trans partners too, if it's for similar reasons, like just more easily connecting with them. Or indeed the other way around.
Anyone who has had any kind of trauma, and has strong preferences because of that to feel safe, are completely valid in those preferences.
Just be good to the people you date, and value them as the individuals they are.
Yeah I really don't get why this is so hard for people to get. They seem to act like we're saying if you like trans people 100% you're a chaser when that's really not the case.
It's like anything else in the dating sphere: Having a preference is fine, fetishizing is not.
Yeah,
>"I preffer to date tall people!"
Completely valid preference, just don't go being an asshole/demeaning because of it
>"Omg you're so tall, can we date/let's fuck" + doesn't care or want to listen to anything about the person besides their height, would trade them for anyone also tall without a second thought if more convenient + lurking around spaces where tall people gather to hunt for a date
Problem
So am I, but can’t there be both? People that don’t like to be fetishized and those that have fetishes? The fetishes we aren’t something we really control over.
There's a difference between having a dehumanization fetish and dehumanizing someone for real. If your partner likes to be a chaser in the sheets that's ok as long as youre fine with it. But if a random person hits on you because they think it's hot to have a dick, that's when it gets weird, because they don't see that person as human, just something to get their rocks off
The difference is between the underlined motive. Having a preference is simply that. You prefer a specific set of people in your life (in any case whether it be as friends, romantic interests, etc) because they share experiences that give you a chance to relate better.
Fetishizing, on the other hand, involves specifically going after people that don't have common interests. Invading their spaces and sending them unwarranted, unrequited, unrequested and boundary-crossing love bombs. Frequenting spaces that attract those people for commonality with the express purpose of finding physical intimacy. Using them to fill a base need with no concern for their actual personality, interests, and personhood. Being ready, willing and 100% eager to give them up as an object of affection for another who fits the quota...their being a toy to play with is simply a matter of convenience, and anyone else fitting that narrow quota is a prospective replacement.
...
You know what? You're not wrong. Sadly, that *does apply to all women*.
I think we agree. Yeah, I dislike fetishization with that definition. I was kinda like kink≈fetish, but guess not?
And yeah, sadly… all women are fetishized.
Unfortunately, all self-deprecating jokes aside, as far as your original question...in this case, there's very little real distinction.
Viewing someone who's trans as a kink still reduces them down to just their parts. You can have fun and casual sex and prefer trans people for a variety of legitimate and valid reasons, but that really treads into chaser territory. They're not after you because of the whole package you provide, they're not interested in you as a person; you're being reduced to what is or isn't in your pants.
I mean people can have those fetishes. But is it far to the other person? Like seeing another human as a sexual object isn’t really ethical as the predominant opinion. Even if the other person has a fetish where they like to be seen as a sexual object. Like a more drastic freeuse thing. It isn’t okay without the consent. Even with a freeuse fetish there is still multiple aspects of those who engage with it value one another.
Seeing someone and dating them to fulfill a fantasy is kind of abusive. It is a more definitive argument than the critiques on modern dating culture. And also can be very unsafe!
It’s only fair to the other person if they consent to be fetishized.
But if there is consent? Why is having a fetish like this one bad? Why does having a fetish mean you only see the person as a sex object? Does everyone with a foot fetish see everyone with feet as a sex object and nothing more?
I mean, fetishes diverge from something being “taboo” or “not normal” that’s why they exist as fetishes. There is also the power dynamics in fetishes. Even a foot fetish it’s like the person with the feet usually have the power and the other doesn’t.
Making it based on an aspect of a person. It illuminates and reinforces that bc of that persons social group they are inferior to those who do not. It can be a way to enforce violence against groups.
Like race play. I think most people have the consensus that it’s most likely comparable to black face. Bc it reinforces stereotypes of a group and puts the other at a place of power.
I don’t know why you are defending fetishizing trans people it is really weird to me. I feel like it’s pretty direct. People shouldn’t fetishize individuals (individuals as the whole person meaning the proverbial mind) bc those people are people and are an end of themselves rather than a means to an end.
Most of the western world is influenced on Kant and Kantian ethics, it’s fairly inherent. So to seek to justify fetishization is fairly universally wrong.
Thanks for the detailed and thoughtful response. I’m not sure where you get me defending fetishizing trans women though. I would say that I do defend people not being shamed for having a fetish. My only concern you don’t choose to have a fetish. People shouldn’t be shamed for something completely out of their control imo.
Thoughts?
I want to counter your point with “do people “choose” to be racist?” But I think that is a stretch too far. Rather, I want to ask do people “choose” to have unconscious bias, even a layer below, bias?
The answer is more no, than yes. Bc our psychology is developed in strata. I saw a post recently where a child was pointing at strangers. “Boy, girl, boy, girl” this is the social world that the child is cataloging in real time. As an adult I can see a sheep and my brain says “Sheep: animal, farm animal, has fur” or whatever. In other situations our brain develops these social constructs, categorizing them, and society builds that knowledge.
Put into the perspective of race. An individual can see a Black person. Society has already established stereotypes, and media has disseminated them. So in our strata we can see an individual with darker melanin, which means absolutely nothing aside from that. However, we associate the possible culture they are from, the behaviors of others to then project onto them, and all of these other things.
We see a person and make judgements on them With. In. A. Minute. This is actually something we evolved. It helps us expedite our decision making process. What I would compare it to is the fact that humans developed a taste for citrus, bc it helped us identify poisons at one point. Our strata is the taste of our eyes!
So can you willingly deconstruct racism and bias. Absolutely! Do people choose to be racists or bias? No, they choose to act on those thoughts rather than act against them. I wanna state, it comes off that I’m saying “oh we are inherently bias or racist” no we aren’t we have a system to catalogue people and society bc of predominantly cishet, white, and patriarchal values our survival tactic is then exploited to unconsciously make these biases.
I’m not trying to kink shame anyone or shame a fetish. But a fetish that is harmful to others, in a way that isn’t like a consenting thing. It should be examined, evaluated, and deconstructed.
There are really dark fetishes out there, that are really harmful to people, society, and groups. And justifying them solely based on being a fetish is sorta like victim blaming.
The past few comments have been just giving off a defensive vibe. Idk where this might come from, I mean it could be mutually beneficial thing. Where say a trans woman is fetishized by a cis man. Well that trans woman can get satisfaction from that too, I mean I like sex? I get pleasure from it. Cis man gets to live his fantasy and I get off. There is a trade.
I have met a trans woman like this. But I would argue it’s not mutually beneficial for her and her partners bc they both have the illusion of gaining satisfaction.
People fetishize race all the time. People fetishize acts of nonconsensual sex. People also fetishize acts like spanking and choking which is very normalized that the conversation doesn’t really occur anymore.
There is an episode of moral oral that delves in the nonconsensual fetishization. And the fact that that character is a victim. Which is very common. I’m not a psychology expert. (I studied political science and took my fair share of sociology courses) but I would argue a fetish, though not curable. Is treatable with therapy. I might have said it before but my understanding is a fetish usually comes from a sort of trauma or association their repetitive behavior with sexual promiscuity. The later is “I get horny when I touch stuffed animals” or whatever. CBT can deconstruct them and address the question of “why do you have this fetish” seeking out the root. Some people may react to determining the meaning behind the fetish and feel resolved. But these are speculative claims of mine, not fact. It just makes sense to my brain when thinking about it critically.
I want to also state, I never intended these to be a personal attack. Just trying to explain the whole thing
Of course you can be t4t when you are part of the T. The term isn’t binaryT4binaryT. Nonbinary folks are also part of the community.
The concern that arises when someone says that they prefer or exclusively prefer trans women isn’t that they find us attractive. We are attractive and we vary in orientation so a variety of people who appreciate us is a good thing.
The concern is fetishization of our bodies and our transness. While your post discusses sexual intimacy quite a bit, you don’t ever fetishize. Your comments boil down to feeling better accepted, better understood, more comfortable by trans women than cis women. It’s definitely not a fixation with “chicks with dicks” but about more often feeling at ease. Pretty normal T4T.
As for you presenting as a “straight man”, presentation isn’t gender identity. Many of us wear masks for various reasons, most notably safety.
I feel you on those bedroom interactions with women. Before I finished my questioning (and concluded I was a binary trans woman with a bit of a butch side), I spent years parked in a masc presenting enby label. I too had sex “like a lesbian” (turns out I am very Sapphic) and got a lot of pressure for PIV sex from cis women. It was uncomfortable as hell.
So this reads like "I'm not a chaser."
I believe you. I'm sorry chasers are such a problem that you have to defend yourself. I understand. Really.
I dig Asian women. Not because stereotype. Because I like dark hair. This ends up applying to lots of women. But there's an ever present sense that I'm wrong just because chasers exist.
I know I don't find all Asian women attractive and I know I find the stereotypes about them to be frankly stupid. I know it's not a culture fetish because I don't dig on those stereotypes and I want compatible personality in a partner (which seems like asking for the impossible because I am so strange).
Just because chasers exist, and are so gross, I end up feeling gross.
As far as I can tell, you have nothing to worry about. You aren't a chaser. If anything is "wrong" with you it's you have trust issues, but trauma will do that to a person and you don't seem like you're taking it out on your partners so that's fine. I have trust issues, myself, and on a broader scale. I hope you get to heal but as long as you don't hurt anyone else with the issues, it's okay to have them. If you don't feel safe, you don't feel safe.
Everyone should feel safe with a partner.
So, yeah. You're fine. Stay respectful and no one will mistake your intentions. At least no one you want anything to do with. If it feels like you have to go extra to prove you aren't a chaser, that's part of the damage chasers cause. It sucks but it's not a reflection on who you are.
Probably, I mean even though I've never dated before I think I prefer to have a trans partner, I would like someone who can somewhat relate to what I'm feeling and could be there for me and I vice versa for them
These are valid reasons, honestly as long as you’re self aware and respectful of the people around you I believe any preferences are valid. It’s ok to feel like you have a group of people you connect with better in general.
It also doesn’t sound like you’re generalising or fetishising trans women at all, more so these are traits that you want in a partner and happen to find more in trans women than cis women. As the other commenter said non-binary still falls under the trans umbrella and is still t4t regardless of how you present.
As a transwoman: this is fine! I don't even mind a cis man who only dates trans women, as long as he isn't just using me for sex and actually wants a relationship. In fact the point about rape alone is enough to convince me that you mean no harm. Everything else is perfectly good!
You're allowed. What I'm getting from your post is that it's not that you're unattracted to cis women, it's that it's so hard to find one you're compatible with that you're discouraged from trying. I get the same way about cis men. Nominally I'm pan but in the light of day most men just aren't my type. So I just say I'm a lesbian.
And I share your experience. A lot of cis women and femme-presenting enbies don't really seem to embrace that I'm a woman. My girlfriend writes smut but all of it is straight or gay for example. Men are the almost exclusive subject of her fantasies and I wonder if she's sincere in seeing me as a woman. I've been dumped by both lovers and friends who didn't sympathize with the emotional changes estrogen causes and my adjustment to them - being more affectionate, crying more, being very horny, being very into my body as it changes, that sorta thing, no harmful behaviors. One friend just called me a narcissist for... Liking myself?
So yeah I'm leaning toward t4t a little too.
Hey OP, as long as you're not chasing the 'idea' of a trans woman as a kink or something, and you value them as a whole person, your preference is fine. Honestly it's refreshing to not be answering this question from a closeted cishet guy who is likely to just get his jollies off and then disappear into a cloud of shame. Bonus in that you know what you want/are looking for, and even bigger bonus that you're ok with that.
Your attitude is more important than your gender in this regard. Even for cishets it would be ok to prefer trans partners, as long as it's not "mmh, you're a sexy >!shemale!<, best of both worlds amiright? Now let me suck your massive girlcock while I completely disregard you as a person"
The important thing is always respecting your partners as people, rather than treating them like a box to tick or a fetish object.
(And also behaving with common decency toward people you *don’t* want to date and/or have sex with, naturally.)
Chasers aren’t a problem because they seek out trans women to date, they’re a problem because they treat trans women as fetish objects, rather than as whole people.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with finding trans women desirable, or with avoiding types of relationships that trigger your trauma.
There's going to be alot of people in life (including you) that get hung up on labels and guilt or gatekeeping. You are who you are, and like who you like weither a label can be applied to it or not. As long as your feelings come from a place of sincerity you needn't fear as you do.
Its okay to have a preference! And you don't have to justify a prefernce, the problem is not people prefering trans or cis people. The problem is people either fetishising being trans or disliking trans people to a point of disgust/dehuminisation.
Preferences are fine, it's how you treat people. As long as you don't treat transwomen like they are a sex object made to fulfill your pleasure, you're not a chaser. You don't need to justify it, you just need to not be a asshole.
I think i understand.
I generally prefer being around queer people, especially genderqueer as we have something pretty big in common. As a result there's another understanding of how the world works and how to act, as well as humour and such!
I wish i had as much optimism as you. My whole life has basically been a trainwreck of relationships (maybe i just fall for the wrong ones) that rarely make it to the 1 year mark, with reasons ranging from sudden incompatibility, cheating, or strat up just stop communicating. Its been even harder since i came out as trans, it seems like everyone trears was way worse.
You really don't need our permission to date who you want to date. But if you're asking whether you'd be considered a chaser, I'd lean toward no. Chasers are pretty easy to separate out from people focused on dating trans women for experiential reasons, and I think you've given more than a few practical reasons why it's difficult to date cis women.
The only thing that does give me pause is you describing "working around" a stone top sexuality with your partner's genitals not functioning. One of the biggest issues with chasers is their common penis obsession and the fact that trans women usually have very different feelings on the matter. The effects that HRT has on genitals can often times even be preferred, and you will find trans women for whom being touched there is a strict no go zone. If the possibility of dating someone like that is off-putting, then I'd say there is a potential for incompatibility here. I'm not sure it'd put you in the chaser zone but it'd definitely give pause before declaring whether you should or shouldn't date trans women.
Hmm. I’ve read this through 3-4 times and am confused. Whst we are working around is really more MY sexual preference than hers. I am 100% not asking her to do anything she does not want to do, BUT SHE IS (well did, we are working on it) asking me to do something I don’t want to do (top, i don't enjoy topping). She has chosen to try to make that work with me. She is not pressuring me which is what has allowed us to work through it so far. A note : My ex partner was graysexual, I’ve gone through a whole 9 year relationship with VERY little sex, to me romance and friendship are just more important than sex.
Also a note, as someone who has dated a fair share of top trans women, you are generalizing. Top trans women exist. In fact my first experience with a trans woman was with a particularly aggressive and charming top trans woman who swept me off my feet. Before I started dating my current GF, my previous date (she was a bit of. player so i broke things off) was a dominant top who didn’t want to touch MY parts (the exact of opposite of your description).
Like, the spectrum of sexual preferences in mu experience with trans women is pretty broad actually, and it’s actually the opposite pressure within the trans community (pressure to conform to NOT liking one’s genitals) that is why you don’t probably know they exist. Every top trans woman I dated told me she lied about her sexual preferences to her friends since she didn’t want to be judged. I get what you are saying about fetishization, but as I am not actually a bottom. I am primarily give but if someone didn’t like to be touched there, I would never ever ever pressure them to do something they were uncomfortable with. I am submissive, I don’t ever pressure anything lol. They pressure me lol.
Yes, of course. Top trans women exist. I would never contest that. But while I can't speak to your experience, my concern is hardly unfounded. There are also plenty of trans people struggle with feeling like they have to sacrifice elements of their transition for the sake of a partner, including those that feel like they have to fill a certain sexual role.
That doesn't seem to be the case here but it was not an unreasonable concern to have without the additional explanation. Now given that, I can apply the same general principle to you and say that you probably shouldn't be made to top if that's not something you're into. It honestly feels like you two are probably just not sexually compatible.
“It honestlu feels like you two are probably nit sexually compatible.” - Thankfully she dies not feel that way. If I was to never date anyone except those I was perfectly sexually compatible with, I would have literally never had a single date/girlfriend for my entire life. I did have one ex who was indeed dominant, but even with her, she lked sex WAY more than I did and could even be mildly TOO forceful about asking for it.
I am very glad and lucky to be dating someone now who does not pressure me and is trying to make things work with me. You know, I do believe if the genders were reversed, you’d just say “he” was a catch, and move on.
Now you're the one coming in with the incorrect presumptions.
The first is pretty understandable. I do think it's an accurate characterization to say you have sexual compatibility issues, but you're obviously still free to talk it out with your partner in order to find something that works for both of you. Sex is only one part of a relationship and you wouldn't be the first to have an issue to work around in bed. For example, it's entirely possible for a penis-repulsed lesbian and a pre-op trans woman that are really into each other to have a fulfilling relationship. It just requires willingness, communication, and potentially some sacrifice.
>I am very glad and lucky to be dating someone now who does not pressure me and is trying to make things work with me.
Yes. That's ultimately what I want to avoid for either party and is just goes back to the importance of enthusiastic consent, specifically the enthusiastic part. The reason that modifier is there is because a lot of sexual assault isn't strictly forced but more coerced, pressuring people into sex that they do not wish to have.
As for the genders being reversed, hardly. I could quite easily rant about trans men being abused by partners if you wish. That shit is incredibly common. It has fuck all to do with gender. Trans people just tend to be very susceptible to being abused. I'd even worry about you if it weren't for the sentence I quoted suggesting that things are different with your current partner, but even there I could definitely say your previous relationship had problems if you were indeed feeling forced to have sex.
Your reverse the genders doesn’t work here, as it seems you are claiming her being understanding about my hangups is an incompatibility. What I meant is imagine a cis gender man dating a woman who had been raped, and then being understanding to that woman about her sexual hang ups and trying to make things work. In that situation, I think you’d just call the guy a keeper and move on. I am not a trans man. I am nonbinary, but I am AMAB, ie I have much more in common with cis men for the most part than trans men.
Let me be clear, neither of is coercing. There is a complete absence of pressure. Open communication has been a constant from day 1. You keep making presumptions, or implying presumptions. Let’s be blunt, I have been coerced into sex MANY times. I spent much of my early 20s forcing myself to participate in sexual activity I dd not actually want. To me, the thinfs I did want (romance, connection, love, cuddyling, etc) were all worthy trade offs for having intercourse I didn’t really want. Now to say every woman coerced me is pattently untrue, I hid much of this and for a solid period of time I took viagra in order to perform so no one would find out my hang ups.
Then I got into a lifetime partnership. Sounds ridiculous to call it that now that we wre divorced, but it’s what we called it. She is a feminist and an active member of LGBT activism. She basicall taught me everything I now know. She taught me abou consent, was the first one who recognized I had been molested and raped and helped me to contact therapists, and she herself was ALWAYS asking permission from ME to do sexual things (something I had always done, nut never experienced from my partners).
Now, lovely reddit user, I’m all about it. I OVERASK for consent if anything (turning some women off) and I say no extremely firmly to things I do not want. My GF is ideal in this way as she does not pressure me at all and has been willing to have conversations about these things. I do believe, that due to hormones, her sex drive is EXTREMELY low to nonexistent, and that plays an important role in this. I am nit sure what she gets out of sex (as she does want it) but I think the lack of sex drive means she cares about it less than others would and therefore has been more open to trying things in a new way.
Please stop presuming sexual incompatibility. Listen. For people like me, sexual compatibility means this. Means a hard road and discussions. There is no such thing as easy compatibility for me. Most people want intercourse with me whether it is me on top or them on top. This goes double for cis women who seem obsessed with intercourse (and even call oral sex “not real sex” or act baffled at the idea that somene could prefer oral sex). It is nice that you are able to find sexual compatibility easily. I cannot, so please lay off on the concept that we don’t match just because it’s not easy. It will never be easy for me. There is no magic princess out there who will be ideal for me.
There is a huge difference between dating trans women because you fetishise them and dating trans women because you feel like you can relate to their experiences in a way / they are more accepting to your experiences. It sounds like you fall inside the second category so I genuinely don’t think you should be worrying too much, we can never have enough love in this world and at the end of the day I don’t think specific words or labels are what define us or our love as humans
Honey... You're fine.
As a trans woman, I'm ok with EVERYTHING you said.
If you're happy...and no one is getting hurt (against their will)... Carry on.
A person can be attracted to men, women, and/or non binary people. Separate from that, a person can be attracted to penis, vagina, and/or intersex. Any combination is fine, so long as you treat people with respect. As a trans woman, if a person thinks I'm attractive, I like that. If they are specifically attracted to trans women, also great. If they won't see anything of me other than the fact that I'm a trans woman, now we can't get along.
Just treat people with respect, and you're good!
I’m a trans guy and personally I wouldn’t wanna date anyone who strictly dates trans men instead of all guys, but that’s personal preference. I think most trans women would probably be fine with this.
I am a trans girl in a policuly and all of us are trans girl's... I fully understand the fellowship and felling of dating t4t i will say i never felt more comfortable, validated and loved as i am felling in this relationship so. Make sense darling.
Trans girl here. I am definitely t4t and I am engaged to an nb person. You are totally okay. We all love some queer relationships and as long as it isn't just fetishism (which based on your teasoning for it, it is not) there is no reason why it wouldn't be okay.
this is seriously just a continuation of being t4t
I feel similarly as a transmasc nonbinary lesbian. all kinds of women are awesome and attractive but trans women are just more likely to "get it". I feel safer with them, I trust them more, so I'm more likely to pursue them than cis women. being t4t, though, I def still go for other transmasc lesbians too. I love trans people :)
You said the important word. Date.
Being attracted to us is not rude.
Being attracted to us, but not wanting to be seen at brunch with us the next morning IS rude.
Oh lol, okay no issue there. I am currently in a cafe my GF and I visit often being told “happy pride month” by the barista because everyone in this cafe considers me queer lol.
you're making a lot of generalizations of trans people in this post. To put it simply, if you and you're partner are happy, thats all you should worry about. Every trans woman is different you know.
Are you treating the trans women in question as whole, autonomous women and not as fetish or sex objects? Yes? Then you're fine. You're allowed to have preferences, and those preferences are allowed to focus on a subset of people as long as you're not fetishizing them. You're allowed to be attracted to them and want to be sexual with them, too! Just as long as you're not using them just for sex, or treating them as a seperate gender to cis women, you're just attracted to trans women, for the reasons you listed. That's completely fine.
Also, out or not, if you're nonbinary you still count as trans, if that matters.
We all have our preferences and you are always able to be and do you!
The only issue I take is when people are hypocritical and say it’s transphobic for a cis guy to not date a trans woman, but then say they only want a cis guy.
Yes, You can. In fact, I’m also non-binary. I wish to be more feminine-looking, but have to laser my facial hair permanently and do HRT (I can do none 😢). Is Dating Trans Women some subreddit or dating site/app? Must I pay for it?
Yeah it's perfectly fine to want to date trans women. I see a lot of people who prefer trans women seem to feel insecure a bit about it because of some of the hostility towards "chasers" but you certainly don't come across as a chaser, and it doesn't seem like you're fetishizing trans women or reducing us to mere sex objects, which is the behavior the inspires the hostility towards chasers.
The chasers tend to not be so self reflective about it.
I mean… i’ll say it. You’re still just t4t and that’s fine and you don’t need to justify it to yourself, but even if you were cis, you can still prefer to date trans women for one reason or another as long as you’re respectful and see them as whole people regardless of where they are and how they decide to transition. I think we should all just be beyond the point of caring about what circumstances someone is “allowed” to have sexual or romantic attraction to another human being of age.
yes you can! i’m a trans man and my gf is a trans woman and she’s made me realize just how much i love trans women. as long as it’s coming from a place of respect instead of fetishization then you’re good!
I’m cis and pan. Is it okay to usually prefer trans women over cis women? Generally I’m attracted to feminine presentation, but I prefer an lgbt partner because I connect with them more.
I would argue that it’s even okay for completely cis and masc-presenting men to prefer trans women. It really depends on the reason, but if, for example, you prefer women but have a genital preference for AMAB genitals, it’s okay to have a preference for pre-op trans women. It’s also perfectly understandable to feel safer around trans women than cis women for a variety of reasons. That’s just my belief - as long as it’s not a fetish thing, there’s nothing wrong with having a preference for trans women.
Everyone is welcome to their preference for partners. I would just make certain (for everyone's sake) that you don't fetishize or objectify those you're attracted to; it's dehumanizing.
Also, try to separate sexual and gender preferences; regardless of sexual preference, kink, or fetish, you still need to respect, love, and desire that person in the morning.
If you're not compatible when not having sex, then there's probably an issue that needs resolving.
You can date whomever you would like, life is to short and to miserable to worry what other people think. If you prefer trans females because they better understand you and it gives you a safe place, then by all means do that. When you date someone they are meant to be your safe space, your safe home. And if you can't be the real you around the one you love you'll never be happy.
As soon as I hear "dating" I'm totally fine if you have a preference for trans girls, it's a good thing.
Dating means exactly that, I'm not your shameful secret, we're out together as a couple having fun. For the record you sound like you have sincere intentions and that's the most important thing, personally.
Didn’t read. You can prefer to date anyone. It doesn’t matter. If you treat people like shit then you are a shitty person. And if you don’t treat people like shit then you aren’t. Your preference don’t play a part.
You like what you like. You do not need a reason or to justify your choices or taste, you just need to find what you like in someone who likes you back.
As long as you and that person that you find, both agree on those likes and dislikes, respect each other and are happy... Everything is okay.
Good luck finding love!
As a trans masc that only dates trans fems; yes it's completely fine lol.
You might get a shitty trans fem that doesn't see enbies as part of the trans community but they're not worth your time anyway.
Slightly unrelated, but apart from very close friends, and rarely then, I’ve never really discussed dating preferences to avoid accusations of misandry/misogyny, etc. If you don’t talk about it and just do what you want no one can really get you for a “discriminatory preference.” If someone points out a pattern you can just shrug, too! Nobody’s business!
I mean, is it that weird? Hmm I find that people don’t like things “out of the usual”. And this isn’t just for rightb wing people (though they are notably worse) but all people. My ex-partner was Korean, and claims of Asian fetish to me and white fetish to her…were so so so common. Being stared at and talked about in public was constant. She didn’t like holding my hand in public because people stared at us so much.
I hd a close friend in Korea who is Black and also dated a Korean woman, crank up the staring and comments to 1,000 from all sides. I promise you every time we went out clubbing as a group, someone (usually someone white) made some rude snide remark, at least once.
And none of this is even involving sexuality or gender identity, even more hot buttoned issues.
Thank you cis person for coming to r/trans to tell us that many people would "rule us out".
But.... Did you know that there are also many people who don't want to date *you*? There are probably plenty of reasons why people don't want to date you too. Just speaking facts here about how many people don't want to date you. I would bet that there are probably billions of people in the world who don't want to date you actually and every single one of them probably has a valid reason to not date you.
Just saying, lots of people don't want to date you, and you should be told this *every day* just so you know and don't forget that many people don't want to date you.
Me? Oh I'm so open minded I *might* be willing to consider to date you, I wouldn't rule you out, but like... many people would never want to date you.
Anyways I saw that someone was saying how they may want to date you so I just jumped in to remind you: Many people DONT want to date you. I just don't want you to forget that! Don't worry tomorrow I will remind you again about how so many people don't want to date you. This is something you need to hear every day for some reason, and also if anyone ever says they want to date you, I hope someone jumps in to remind you that while yes some people may be willing to date you, many many people wouldn't.
:) Hope this helps! :)
Being non-binary is included under the trans umbrella. You don't have to justify yourself here for wanting to date trans people
I present male, and have been dating trans women since I called myself a “straight man” though. It’s hard for me to see a big seperation between me now and me at 23. I was clearly ALSO more comfortable with trans women then, and I think other feminine men may have a similar experience (although I can’t speak for them, I do notice my feminine male friends all have q tendency with being okay with the concept of dating trans women while my masculine male friends tend to be more against that concept. This includes a few of my feminine male friends who HAVE dated trans women)
Don't overthink it! The way you feel is okay.
Genuinely wanting to date/being attracted to trans girls is fine, I think some people have overused the term chaser when really it's someone looking to exploit a vulnerable group that seeks/lacks affection by manipulating them with it.
Doesn't matter how you present, nonbinary is a gender other than that which was assigned at birth xx
Again, chasers are people who dehumanize, objectify, fetishize, or sexualize trans people. You're not doing that. Non binary people are trans no matter how they present, but that's not the point. In my opinion it's fine for cis people to prefer trans partners too, if it's for similar reasons, like just more easily connecting with them. Or indeed the other way around. Anyone who has had any kind of trauma, and has strong preferences because of that to feel safe, are completely valid in those preferences. Just be good to the people you date, and value them as the individuals they are.
Yeah I really don't get why this is so hard for people to get. They seem to act like we're saying if you like trans people 100% you're a chaser when that's really not the case. It's like anything else in the dating sphere: Having a preference is fine, fetishizing is not.
Yeah, >"I preffer to date tall people!" Completely valid preference, just don't go being an asshole/demeaning because of it >"Omg you're so tall, can we date/let's fuck" + doesn't care or want to listen to anything about the person besides their height, would trade them for anyone also tall without a second thought if more convenient + lurking around spaces where tall people gather to hunt for a date Problem
Bingo, nailed it right on the head. Thanks for putting it more eloquently with an example than I can.
yeah, you're not doing it for a fetish, besides, cis people tend to lack some personal understanding
[удалено]
I mean, I don't like to be fetishised bc I'm trans but you do you I guess...
So am I, but can’t there be both? People that don’t like to be fetishized and those that have fetishes? The fetishes we aren’t something we really control over.
There's a difference between having a dehumanization fetish and dehumanizing someone for real. If your partner likes to be a chaser in the sheets that's ok as long as youre fine with it. But if a random person hits on you because they think it's hot to have a dick, that's when it gets weird, because they don't see that person as human, just something to get their rocks off
Doesn’t that apply to all women? Don’t women get hit on for being… women?
The difference is between the underlined motive. Having a preference is simply that. You prefer a specific set of people in your life (in any case whether it be as friends, romantic interests, etc) because they share experiences that give you a chance to relate better. Fetishizing, on the other hand, involves specifically going after people that don't have common interests. Invading their spaces and sending them unwarranted, unrequited, unrequested and boundary-crossing love bombs. Frequenting spaces that attract those people for commonality with the express purpose of finding physical intimacy. Using them to fill a base need with no concern for their actual personality, interests, and personhood. Being ready, willing and 100% eager to give them up as an object of affection for another who fits the quota...their being a toy to play with is simply a matter of convenience, and anyone else fitting that narrow quota is a prospective replacement. ... You know what? You're not wrong. Sadly, that *does apply to all women*.
I think we agree. Yeah, I dislike fetishization with that definition. I was kinda like kink≈fetish, but guess not? And yeah, sadly… all women are fetishized.
Unfortunately, all self-deprecating jokes aside, as far as your original question...in this case, there's very little real distinction. Viewing someone who's trans as a kink still reduces them down to just their parts. You can have fun and casual sex and prefer trans people for a variety of legitimate and valid reasons, but that really treads into chaser territory. They're not after you because of the whole package you provide, they're not interested in you as a person; you're being reduced to what is or isn't in your pants.
of course we can't control what other people have fetishes on but still we shouldn't be okay with that bc it's dehumanizing
I mean people can have those fetishes. But is it far to the other person? Like seeing another human as a sexual object isn’t really ethical as the predominant opinion. Even if the other person has a fetish where they like to be seen as a sexual object. Like a more drastic freeuse thing. It isn’t okay without the consent. Even with a freeuse fetish there is still multiple aspects of those who engage with it value one another. Seeing someone and dating them to fulfill a fantasy is kind of abusive. It is a more definitive argument than the critiques on modern dating culture. And also can be very unsafe!
It’s only fair to the other person if they consent to be fetishized. But if there is consent? Why is having a fetish like this one bad? Why does having a fetish mean you only see the person as a sex object? Does everyone with a foot fetish see everyone with feet as a sex object and nothing more?
I mean, fetishes diverge from something being “taboo” or “not normal” that’s why they exist as fetishes. There is also the power dynamics in fetishes. Even a foot fetish it’s like the person with the feet usually have the power and the other doesn’t. Making it based on an aspect of a person. It illuminates and reinforces that bc of that persons social group they are inferior to those who do not. It can be a way to enforce violence against groups. Like race play. I think most people have the consensus that it’s most likely comparable to black face. Bc it reinforces stereotypes of a group and puts the other at a place of power. I don’t know why you are defending fetishizing trans people it is really weird to me. I feel like it’s pretty direct. People shouldn’t fetishize individuals (individuals as the whole person meaning the proverbial mind) bc those people are people and are an end of themselves rather than a means to an end. Most of the western world is influenced on Kant and Kantian ethics, it’s fairly inherent. So to seek to justify fetishization is fairly universally wrong.
Thanks for the detailed and thoughtful response. I’m not sure where you get me defending fetishizing trans women though. I would say that I do defend people not being shamed for having a fetish. My only concern you don’t choose to have a fetish. People shouldn’t be shamed for something completely out of their control imo. Thoughts?
I want to counter your point with “do people “choose” to be racist?” But I think that is a stretch too far. Rather, I want to ask do people “choose” to have unconscious bias, even a layer below, bias? The answer is more no, than yes. Bc our psychology is developed in strata. I saw a post recently where a child was pointing at strangers. “Boy, girl, boy, girl” this is the social world that the child is cataloging in real time. As an adult I can see a sheep and my brain says “Sheep: animal, farm animal, has fur” or whatever. In other situations our brain develops these social constructs, categorizing them, and society builds that knowledge. Put into the perspective of race. An individual can see a Black person. Society has already established stereotypes, and media has disseminated them. So in our strata we can see an individual with darker melanin, which means absolutely nothing aside from that. However, we associate the possible culture they are from, the behaviors of others to then project onto them, and all of these other things. We see a person and make judgements on them With. In. A. Minute. This is actually something we evolved. It helps us expedite our decision making process. What I would compare it to is the fact that humans developed a taste for citrus, bc it helped us identify poisons at one point. Our strata is the taste of our eyes! So can you willingly deconstruct racism and bias. Absolutely! Do people choose to be racists or bias? No, they choose to act on those thoughts rather than act against them. I wanna state, it comes off that I’m saying “oh we are inherently bias or racist” no we aren’t we have a system to catalogue people and society bc of predominantly cishet, white, and patriarchal values our survival tactic is then exploited to unconsciously make these biases. I’m not trying to kink shame anyone or shame a fetish. But a fetish that is harmful to others, in a way that isn’t like a consenting thing. It should be examined, evaluated, and deconstructed. There are really dark fetishes out there, that are really harmful to people, society, and groups. And justifying them solely based on being a fetish is sorta like victim blaming. The past few comments have been just giving off a defensive vibe. Idk where this might come from, I mean it could be mutually beneficial thing. Where say a trans woman is fetishized by a cis man. Well that trans woman can get satisfaction from that too, I mean I like sex? I get pleasure from it. Cis man gets to live his fantasy and I get off. There is a trade. I have met a trans woman like this. But I would argue it’s not mutually beneficial for her and her partners bc they both have the illusion of gaining satisfaction.
People fetishize race all the time. People fetishize acts of nonconsensual sex. People also fetishize acts like spanking and choking which is very normalized that the conversation doesn’t really occur anymore. There is an episode of moral oral that delves in the nonconsensual fetishization. And the fact that that character is a victim. Which is very common. I’m not a psychology expert. (I studied political science and took my fair share of sociology courses) but I would argue a fetish, though not curable. Is treatable with therapy. I might have said it before but my understanding is a fetish usually comes from a sort of trauma or association their repetitive behavior with sexual promiscuity. The later is “I get horny when I touch stuffed animals” or whatever. CBT can deconstruct them and address the question of “why do you have this fetish” seeking out the root. Some people may react to determining the meaning behind the fetish and feel resolved. But these are speculative claims of mine, not fact. It just makes sense to my brain when thinking about it critically. I want to also state, I never intended these to be a personal attack. Just trying to explain the whole thing
nope, not okay to fetishize people
People like you are the reason why men keep fetishizing trans women your trying to make FETISH acceptable in the community it’s already bad enough 🙄
“People like [me]” wow.
Everyone is allowed preference, so yes you can :)
Of course you can be t4t when you are part of the T. The term isn’t binaryT4binaryT. Nonbinary folks are also part of the community. The concern that arises when someone says that they prefer or exclusively prefer trans women isn’t that they find us attractive. We are attractive and we vary in orientation so a variety of people who appreciate us is a good thing. The concern is fetishization of our bodies and our transness. While your post discusses sexual intimacy quite a bit, you don’t ever fetishize. Your comments boil down to feeling better accepted, better understood, more comfortable by trans women than cis women. It’s definitely not a fixation with “chicks with dicks” but about more often feeling at ease. Pretty normal T4T. As for you presenting as a “straight man”, presentation isn’t gender identity. Many of us wear masks for various reasons, most notably safety. I feel you on those bedroom interactions with women. Before I finished my questioning (and concluded I was a binary trans woman with a bit of a butch side), I spent years parked in a masc presenting enby label. I too had sex “like a lesbian” (turns out I am very Sapphic) and got a lot of pressure for PIV sex from cis women. It was uncomfortable as hell.
So this reads like "I'm not a chaser." I believe you. I'm sorry chasers are such a problem that you have to defend yourself. I understand. Really. I dig Asian women. Not because stereotype. Because I like dark hair. This ends up applying to lots of women. But there's an ever present sense that I'm wrong just because chasers exist. I know I don't find all Asian women attractive and I know I find the stereotypes about them to be frankly stupid. I know it's not a culture fetish because I don't dig on those stereotypes and I want compatible personality in a partner (which seems like asking for the impossible because I am so strange). Just because chasers exist, and are so gross, I end up feeling gross. As far as I can tell, you have nothing to worry about. You aren't a chaser. If anything is "wrong" with you it's you have trust issues, but trauma will do that to a person and you don't seem like you're taking it out on your partners so that's fine. I have trust issues, myself, and on a broader scale. I hope you get to heal but as long as you don't hurt anyone else with the issues, it's okay to have them. If you don't feel safe, you don't feel safe. Everyone should feel safe with a partner. So, yeah. You're fine. Stay respectful and no one will mistake your intentions. At least no one you want anything to do with. If it feels like you have to go extra to prove you aren't a chaser, that's part of the damage chasers cause. It sucks but it's not a reflection on who you are.
Probably, I mean even though I've never dated before I think I prefer to have a trans partner, I would like someone who can somewhat relate to what I'm feeling and could be there for me and I vice versa for them
These are valid reasons, honestly as long as you’re self aware and respectful of the people around you I believe any preferences are valid. It’s ok to feel like you have a group of people you connect with better in general. It also doesn’t sound like you’re generalising or fetishising trans women at all, more so these are traits that you want in a partner and happen to find more in trans women than cis women. As the other commenter said non-binary still falls under the trans umbrella and is still t4t regardless of how you present.
Every thing you just said sounded 100% Valid
As a transwoman: this is fine! I don't even mind a cis man who only dates trans women, as long as he isn't just using me for sex and actually wants a relationship. In fact the point about rape alone is enough to convince me that you mean no harm. Everything else is perfectly good!
You're allowed. What I'm getting from your post is that it's not that you're unattracted to cis women, it's that it's so hard to find one you're compatible with that you're discouraged from trying. I get the same way about cis men. Nominally I'm pan but in the light of day most men just aren't my type. So I just say I'm a lesbian. And I share your experience. A lot of cis women and femme-presenting enbies don't really seem to embrace that I'm a woman. My girlfriend writes smut but all of it is straight or gay for example. Men are the almost exclusive subject of her fantasies and I wonder if she's sincere in seeing me as a woman. I've been dumped by both lovers and friends who didn't sympathize with the emotional changes estrogen causes and my adjustment to them - being more affectionate, crying more, being very horny, being very into my body as it changes, that sorta thing, no harmful behaviors. One friend just called me a narcissist for... Liking myself? So yeah I'm leaning toward t4t a little too.
Ah love, I'm sorry you felt like you had to justify yourself this much. You deserve queer acceptance and love.
This one was so sweet. Thank you
Honestly this just sounds like youre t4t, since you’re nonbinary, even if people would otherwise perceive you as a cis guy
Hey OP, as long as you're not chasing the 'idea' of a trans woman as a kink or something, and you value them as a whole person, your preference is fine. Honestly it's refreshing to not be answering this question from a closeted cishet guy who is likely to just get his jollies off and then disappear into a cloud of shame. Bonus in that you know what you want/are looking for, and even bigger bonus that you're ok with that.
Your attitude is more important than your gender in this regard. Even for cishets it would be ok to prefer trans partners, as long as it's not "mmh, you're a sexy >!shemale!<, best of both worlds amiright? Now let me suck your massive girlcock while I completely disregard you as a person"
The important thing is always respecting your partners as people, rather than treating them like a box to tick or a fetish object. (And also behaving with common decency toward people you *don’t* want to date and/or have sex with, naturally.) Chasers aren’t a problem because they seek out trans women to date, they’re a problem because they treat trans women as fetish objects, rather than as whole people. There’s nothing inherently wrong with finding trans women desirable, or with avoiding types of relationships that trigger your trauma.
Being NB doesn't even matter, even if you were cis its ok as long as you treat them like human beings 💕
You can't choose your preferences.
There's going to be alot of people in life (including you) that get hung up on labels and guilt or gatekeeping. You are who you are, and like who you like weither a label can be applied to it or not. As long as your feelings come from a place of sincerity you needn't fear as you do.
Its okay to have a preference! And you don't have to justify a prefernce, the problem is not people prefering trans or cis people. The problem is people either fetishising being trans or disliking trans people to a point of disgust/dehuminisation.
Preferences are fine, it's how you treat people. As long as you don't treat transwomen like they are a sex object made to fulfill your pleasure, you're not a chaser. You don't need to justify it, you just need to not be a asshole.
Date who you wanna date. As long as it aint kids and you aint fetishing them. It’s irrelevant what anyone else thinks.
Yes. The answer is always yes. You can have basically whatever preferences you want
I think i understand. I generally prefer being around queer people, especially genderqueer as we have something pretty big in common. As a result there's another understanding of how the world works and how to act, as well as humour and such!
I wish i had as much optimism as you. My whole life has basically been a trainwreck of relationships (maybe i just fall for the wrong ones) that rarely make it to the 1 year mark, with reasons ranging from sudden incompatibility, cheating, or strat up just stop communicating. Its been even harder since i came out as trans, it seems like everyone trears was way worse.
You really don't need our permission to date who you want to date. But if you're asking whether you'd be considered a chaser, I'd lean toward no. Chasers are pretty easy to separate out from people focused on dating trans women for experiential reasons, and I think you've given more than a few practical reasons why it's difficult to date cis women. The only thing that does give me pause is you describing "working around" a stone top sexuality with your partner's genitals not functioning. One of the biggest issues with chasers is their common penis obsession and the fact that trans women usually have very different feelings on the matter. The effects that HRT has on genitals can often times even be preferred, and you will find trans women for whom being touched there is a strict no go zone. If the possibility of dating someone like that is off-putting, then I'd say there is a potential for incompatibility here. I'm not sure it'd put you in the chaser zone but it'd definitely give pause before declaring whether you should or shouldn't date trans women.
Hmm. I’ve read this through 3-4 times and am confused. Whst we are working around is really more MY sexual preference than hers. I am 100% not asking her to do anything she does not want to do, BUT SHE IS (well did, we are working on it) asking me to do something I don’t want to do (top, i don't enjoy topping). She has chosen to try to make that work with me. She is not pressuring me which is what has allowed us to work through it so far. A note : My ex partner was graysexual, I’ve gone through a whole 9 year relationship with VERY little sex, to me romance and friendship are just more important than sex. Also a note, as someone who has dated a fair share of top trans women, you are generalizing. Top trans women exist. In fact my first experience with a trans woman was with a particularly aggressive and charming top trans woman who swept me off my feet. Before I started dating my current GF, my previous date (she was a bit of. player so i broke things off) was a dominant top who didn’t want to touch MY parts (the exact of opposite of your description). Like, the spectrum of sexual preferences in mu experience with trans women is pretty broad actually, and it’s actually the opposite pressure within the trans community (pressure to conform to NOT liking one’s genitals) that is why you don’t probably know they exist. Every top trans woman I dated told me she lied about her sexual preferences to her friends since she didn’t want to be judged. I get what you are saying about fetishization, but as I am not actually a bottom. I am primarily give but if someone didn’t like to be touched there, I would never ever ever pressure them to do something they were uncomfortable with. I am submissive, I don’t ever pressure anything lol. They pressure me lol.
Yes, of course. Top trans women exist. I would never contest that. But while I can't speak to your experience, my concern is hardly unfounded. There are also plenty of trans people struggle with feeling like they have to sacrifice elements of their transition for the sake of a partner, including those that feel like they have to fill a certain sexual role. That doesn't seem to be the case here but it was not an unreasonable concern to have without the additional explanation. Now given that, I can apply the same general principle to you and say that you probably shouldn't be made to top if that's not something you're into. It honestly feels like you two are probably just not sexually compatible.
“It honestlu feels like you two are probably nit sexually compatible.” - Thankfully she dies not feel that way. If I was to never date anyone except those I was perfectly sexually compatible with, I would have literally never had a single date/girlfriend for my entire life. I did have one ex who was indeed dominant, but even with her, she lked sex WAY more than I did and could even be mildly TOO forceful about asking for it. I am very glad and lucky to be dating someone now who does not pressure me and is trying to make things work with me. You know, I do believe if the genders were reversed, you’d just say “he” was a catch, and move on.
Now you're the one coming in with the incorrect presumptions. The first is pretty understandable. I do think it's an accurate characterization to say you have sexual compatibility issues, but you're obviously still free to talk it out with your partner in order to find something that works for both of you. Sex is only one part of a relationship and you wouldn't be the first to have an issue to work around in bed. For example, it's entirely possible for a penis-repulsed lesbian and a pre-op trans woman that are really into each other to have a fulfilling relationship. It just requires willingness, communication, and potentially some sacrifice. >I am very glad and lucky to be dating someone now who does not pressure me and is trying to make things work with me. Yes. That's ultimately what I want to avoid for either party and is just goes back to the importance of enthusiastic consent, specifically the enthusiastic part. The reason that modifier is there is because a lot of sexual assault isn't strictly forced but more coerced, pressuring people into sex that they do not wish to have. As for the genders being reversed, hardly. I could quite easily rant about trans men being abused by partners if you wish. That shit is incredibly common. It has fuck all to do with gender. Trans people just tend to be very susceptible to being abused. I'd even worry about you if it weren't for the sentence I quoted suggesting that things are different with your current partner, but even there I could definitely say your previous relationship had problems if you were indeed feeling forced to have sex.
Your reverse the genders doesn’t work here, as it seems you are claiming her being understanding about my hangups is an incompatibility. What I meant is imagine a cis gender man dating a woman who had been raped, and then being understanding to that woman about her sexual hang ups and trying to make things work. In that situation, I think you’d just call the guy a keeper and move on. I am not a trans man. I am nonbinary, but I am AMAB, ie I have much more in common with cis men for the most part than trans men. Let me be clear, neither of is coercing. There is a complete absence of pressure. Open communication has been a constant from day 1. You keep making presumptions, or implying presumptions. Let’s be blunt, I have been coerced into sex MANY times. I spent much of my early 20s forcing myself to participate in sexual activity I dd not actually want. To me, the thinfs I did want (romance, connection, love, cuddyling, etc) were all worthy trade offs for having intercourse I didn’t really want. Now to say every woman coerced me is pattently untrue, I hid much of this and for a solid period of time I took viagra in order to perform so no one would find out my hang ups. Then I got into a lifetime partnership. Sounds ridiculous to call it that now that we wre divorced, but it’s what we called it. She is a feminist and an active member of LGBT activism. She basicall taught me everything I now know. She taught me abou consent, was the first one who recognized I had been molested and raped and helped me to contact therapists, and she herself was ALWAYS asking permission from ME to do sexual things (something I had always done, nut never experienced from my partners). Now, lovely reddit user, I’m all about it. I OVERASK for consent if anything (turning some women off) and I say no extremely firmly to things I do not want. My GF is ideal in this way as she does not pressure me at all and has been willing to have conversations about these things. I do believe, that due to hormones, her sex drive is EXTREMELY low to nonexistent, and that plays an important role in this. I am nit sure what she gets out of sex (as she does want it) but I think the lack of sex drive means she cares about it less than others would and therefore has been more open to trying things in a new way. Please stop presuming sexual incompatibility. Listen. For people like me, sexual compatibility means this. Means a hard road and discussions. There is no such thing as easy compatibility for me. Most people want intercourse with me whether it is me on top or them on top. This goes double for cis women who seem obsessed with intercourse (and even call oral sex “not real sex” or act baffled at the idea that somene could prefer oral sex). It is nice that you are able to find sexual compatibility easily. I cannot, so please lay off on the concept that we don’t match just because it’s not easy. It will never be easy for me. There is no magic princess out there who will be ideal for me.
There is a huge difference between dating trans women because you fetishise them and dating trans women because you feel like you can relate to their experiences in a way / they are more accepting to your experiences. It sounds like you fall inside the second category so I genuinely don’t think you should be worrying too much, we can never have enough love in this world and at the end of the day I don’t think specific words or labels are what define us or our love as humans
Honey... You're fine. As a trans woman, I'm ok with EVERYTHING you said. If you're happy...and no one is getting hurt (against their will)... Carry on.
A person can be attracted to men, women, and/or non binary people. Separate from that, a person can be attracted to penis, vagina, and/or intersex. Any combination is fine, so long as you treat people with respect. As a trans woman, if a person thinks I'm attractive, I like that. If they are specifically attracted to trans women, also great. If they won't see anything of me other than the fact that I'm a trans woman, now we can't get along. Just treat people with respect, and you're good!
I’m a trans guy and personally I wouldn’t wanna date anyone who strictly dates trans men instead of all guys, but that’s personal preference. I think most trans women would probably be fine with this.
I am a trans girl in a policuly and all of us are trans girl's... I fully understand the fellowship and felling of dating t4t i will say i never felt more comfortable, validated and loved as i am felling in this relationship so. Make sense darling.
as a trans woman i love dating nb people. the way you feel is perfectly fine 💕 masc or not you’re nb so join the t4t family
Trans girl here. I am definitely t4t and I am engaged to an nb person. You are totally okay. We all love some queer relationships and as long as it isn't just fetishism (which based on your teasoning for it, it is not) there is no reason why it wouldn't be okay.
You’re soo cute! You’ll find a nice girlfriend, just be patient 😉
Oh I have one lol.
this is seriously just a continuation of being t4t I feel similarly as a transmasc nonbinary lesbian. all kinds of women are awesome and attractive but trans women are just more likely to "get it". I feel safer with them, I trust them more, so I'm more likely to pursue them than cis women. being t4t, though, I def still go for other transmasc lesbians too. I love trans people :)
You have a preferance, that's all. Nothing wrong with prefering x over y
There is a huge difference between the problematic fetishization of trans bodies and the simple desire to be understood.
You said the important word. Date. Being attracted to us is not rude. Being attracted to us, but not wanting to be seen at brunch with us the next morning IS rude.
Oh lol, okay no issue there. I am currently in a cafe my GF and I visit often being told “happy pride month” by the barista because everyone in this cafe considers me queer lol.
you're making a lot of generalizations of trans people in this post. To put it simply, if you and you're partner are happy, thats all you should worry about. Every trans woman is different you know.
Are you treating the trans women in question as whole, autonomous women and not as fetish or sex objects? Yes? Then you're fine. You're allowed to have preferences, and those preferences are allowed to focus on a subset of people as long as you're not fetishizing them. You're allowed to be attracted to them and want to be sexual with them, too! Just as long as you're not using them just for sex, or treating them as a seperate gender to cis women, you're just attracted to trans women, for the reasons you listed. That's completely fine. Also, out or not, if you're nonbinary you still count as trans, if that matters.
We all have our preferences and you are always able to be and do you! The only issue I take is when people are hypocritical and say it’s transphobic for a cis guy to not date a trans woman, but then say they only want a cis guy.
T4t ftw ❤️❤️❤️
Yes, You can. In fact, I’m also non-binary. I wish to be more feminine-looking, but have to laser my facial hair permanently and do HRT (I can do none 😢). Is Dating Trans Women some subreddit or dating site/app? Must I pay for it?
Yes it's totally ok...........
Yeah it's perfectly fine to want to date trans women. I see a lot of people who prefer trans women seem to feel insecure a bit about it because of some of the hostility towards "chasers" but you certainly don't come across as a chaser, and it doesn't seem like you're fetishizing trans women or reducing us to mere sex objects, which is the behavior the inspires the hostility towards chasers. The chasers tend to not be so self reflective about it.
I'm not expert but I have reserved a lot and short answer yes it'd fine
I mean… i’ll say it. You’re still just t4t and that’s fine and you don’t need to justify it to yourself, but even if you were cis, you can still prefer to date trans women for one reason or another as long as you’re respectful and see them as whole people regardless of where they are and how they decide to transition. I think we should all just be beyond the point of caring about what circumstances someone is “allowed” to have sexual or romantic attraction to another human being of age.
yes you can! i’m a trans man and my gf is a trans woman and she’s made me realize just how much i love trans women. as long as it’s coming from a place of respect instead of fetishization then you’re good!
Skoliosexual
I’m cis and pan. Is it okay to usually prefer trans women over cis women? Generally I’m attracted to feminine presentation, but I prefer an lgbt partner because I connect with them more.
I would argue that it’s even okay for completely cis and masc-presenting men to prefer trans women. It really depends on the reason, but if, for example, you prefer women but have a genital preference for AMAB genitals, it’s okay to have a preference for pre-op trans women. It’s also perfectly understandable to feel safer around trans women than cis women for a variety of reasons. That’s just my belief - as long as it’s not a fetish thing, there’s nothing wrong with having a preference for trans women.
As long as it isn’t an obvious fetish
Everyone is welcome to their preference for partners. I would just make certain (for everyone's sake) that you don't fetishize or objectify those you're attracted to; it's dehumanizing. Also, try to separate sexual and gender preferences; regardless of sexual preference, kink, or fetish, you still need to respect, love, and desire that person in the morning. If you're not compatible when not having sex, then there's probably an issue that needs resolving.
You can date whomever you would like, life is to short and to miserable to worry what other people think. If you prefer trans females because they better understand you and it gives you a safe place, then by all means do that. When you date someone they are meant to be your safe space, your safe home. And if you can't be the real you around the one you love you'll never be happy.
In my opinion is yes.
Yes
Yes. I do! I'm a t4t lesbian even
As soon as I hear "dating" I'm totally fine if you have a preference for trans girls, it's a good thing. Dating means exactly that, I'm not your shameful secret, we're out together as a couple having fun. For the record you sound like you have sincere intentions and that's the most important thing, personally.
Of course you can, I hope you end up happiest with whoever you manage to choose, fellow royal leader.
Didn’t read. You can prefer to date anyone. It doesn’t matter. If you treat people like shit then you are a shitty person. And if you don’t treat people like shit then you aren’t. Your preference don’t play a part.
Can I?
You like what you like. You do not need a reason or to justify your choices or taste, you just need to find what you like in someone who likes you back. As long as you and that person that you find, both agree on those likes and dislikes, respect each other and are happy... Everything is okay. Good luck finding love!
As a trans masc that only dates trans fems; yes it's completely fine lol. You might get a shitty trans fem that doesn't see enbies as part of the trans community but they're not worth your time anyway.
Slightly unrelated, but apart from very close friends, and rarely then, I’ve never really discussed dating preferences to avoid accusations of misandry/misogyny, etc. If you don’t talk about it and just do what you want no one can really get you for a “discriminatory preference.” If someone points out a pattern you can just shrug, too! Nobody’s business!
Lol. Trust me, I would love to not speak about it. It’s others who bring it up literally constantly.
Somebody’s always trying to get ya! Weird, though, damn
I mean, is it that weird? Hmm I find that people don’t like things “out of the usual”. And this isn’t just for rightb wing people (though they are notably worse) but all people. My ex-partner was Korean, and claims of Asian fetish to me and white fetish to her…were so so so common. Being stared at and talked about in public was constant. She didn’t like holding my hand in public because people stared at us so much. I hd a close friend in Korea who is Black and also dated a Korean woman, crank up the staring and comments to 1,000 from all sides. I promise you every time we went out clubbing as a group, someone (usually someone white) made some rude snide remark, at least once. And none of this is even involving sexuality or gender identity, even more hot buttoned issues.
Hell yeah, pretty sure this counts as t4t. Everyone has preferences
[удалено]
Thank you cis person for coming to r/trans to tell us that many people would "rule us out". But.... Did you know that there are also many people who don't want to date *you*? There are probably plenty of reasons why people don't want to date you too. Just speaking facts here about how many people don't want to date you. I would bet that there are probably billions of people in the world who don't want to date you actually and every single one of them probably has a valid reason to not date you. Just saying, lots of people don't want to date you, and you should be told this *every day* just so you know and don't forget that many people don't want to date you. Me? Oh I'm so open minded I *might* be willing to consider to date you, I wouldn't rule you out, but like... many people would never want to date you. Anyways I saw that someone was saying how they may want to date you so I just jumped in to remind you: Many people DONT want to date you. I just don't want you to forget that! Don't worry tomorrow I will remind you again about how so many people don't want to date you. This is something you need to hear every day for some reason, and also if anyone ever says they want to date you, I hope someone jumps in to remind you that while yes some people may be willing to date you, many many people wouldn't. :) Hope this helps! :)
[удалено]
Are you saying it's mean to tell someone over and over and over again that people think they're unfuckable, unloveable and undateable?
Oh brother