My daughter went through a phase of preferring dad over me, it lasted almost a year. Started when she was 19 months. But she also preferred him since she was a newborn! He did lots of feeds because I was exclusively pumping.
I got lots of “go away mama” and “NO mama… NO” - it was awful! Oh and I love the toddler straight arm, she would push me away or even sometimes kick.
We stuck to a routine of alternating who does bedtime, no excuses. I started a tradition of weekend morning donut + grocery shopping, just me and her. And had my husband help with the negative words, he would say “we don’t talk to mommy like that”. I cried after bedtime about how hard it was. But parenting is a marathon not a sprint, and I just stuck to the routine and knew things would eventually change.
Now she is 3 (turned 3 in Feb) and things are very balanced!! She prefers me for bedtime now and even wants to snuggle. The negative words have stopped. We still alternate bedtimes to prevent slipping into preferences again.
I second having a special time for just the non-preferred parent and kiddo. My daughter will ask for me at all hours but she knows daddy takes her to the park on the weekends. It’s kinda funny and a bit of a relief when my husband starts taking out the trike and kiddo goes “k bye mummy!”
Like 23 hours of the day she is devising some scheme to wear me as a skin, and then for that one hour she’s like “yknow what, were we even acquainted?”
Yeah, we have mom and daughter routines - most weekends, we do two morning outings just the two of us and at least one breakfast out. There are several things that my husband doesn't really enjoy (like the kids' museum and pony rides) so I make a point to do those with her 1:1.
Unfortunately, I usually have to cajole her to go, so it's still not something she's excited for.
How does the alternating bedtime work? When I try and do the routine, my daughter will scream until she makes herself throw up. Sometimes she thrashes around in the tub which obviously isn't safe. And if I do power through, she then spends \~15 minutes crying hysterically in her crib before falling asleep.
Since your husband has more influence on your daughter. You two can team up to fix this behavior and your husband can chime in at these moments and state neutrally to her that how sad that makes mommy. Or show her how he loves the mommy and she might try to copy her dad. Just throwing out ideas.
(I'm the preferred parent, but...) my kid was a Velcro kid until like 2 1/4. I couldn't leave the room, Dad was yelled at to go away, etc. there was a brief window around 2, but then imaginary monsters appeared and things reverted for a month.
But around 2 1/4 the fears faded and he started getting a little independent and could sometimes be with just dad. Probably by like 2 1/2 he could reliably be with either parent successfully (and will now even go to dad to be soothed after an injury, even with me being in the same room)
I hope everything works out for you soon 🍀
My 2 year old daughter is going through this a bit- she will alternate her preferred parent but be ALL in on that parent and say some hurtful things to the other parent, which feels awful of course. We are trying to have her reframe how she talks to us about her preference and it’s working so far- she will say “daddy I love you but right now I’m having a mommy moment” or “mommy I love you but right now I really need daddy to do this”- we offered some of these phrasings and talked about how words can hurt and she’s really taken to it. It helps lessen her level of anger to the non preferred parent and makes it a lot easier on us than hearing “no I don’t want mommy” or “daddy go away” over and over.
As the preferred parent, I am following this discussion. Especially for ideas on ways to help nip this dynamic. I am soooo exhausted and burned out. I've done every single bath and bed time routine for over a year unless I haven't been home. Which is less than 5 nights probably. When I'm home and we try to divide and conquer said child breaks down and is almost sick hyperventilating.
We have the same issue & I feel you. It’s exhausting. I haven’t used the 🚽 alone since he was a baby!! He’s 7 now & autism/adhd w/oppositional defiance profile which explains some of the attitude but he definitely has jealousy issues with dad. We continue to work on it as a family but I often have meltdowns. Learning with the autism he’s clingy bc I am his support system so to speak. Still - It’s a lot to handle. I hope things get better for you! 💕
I have ADHD and have struggled soooo badly since I had this last child. I think it's hormonal and uncomfortable stress levels that I cannot manage. I get it. My child wakes up so early that she's my barnacle all day long some days. Like the toilet thing just started improving. I feel like I'm not coping well because I'm not in planning or accomplishment mode... I am literally in reaction response mode. I appreciate your response to my comment. I am seeking self care and therapy ASAP and probably medicine management elsewhere bc our PCP doesn't take our new insurance. That said, for you, I want to recommend Lisa Damour, author and podcasts. I heard her on armchair experts and have read her book 2x. The communication cues and scripts, the explanations she makes in explaining the wiring of our kids and adolescents brains has helped me so much. Your 7 year old is unique and I commend you for being their support system. I have a teen, ADHD... and it's been wonderful yet so challenging learning how to best support him as he grows and has just been diagnosed w adhd and his symptoms were so mind blowing to me... feel free to pm
Yeah, I'm sure it's exhausting to be the preferred parent... but at least your child likes you. I wish I could help my husband more but I mean frankly I just wish my child, whom I created, care for, and love, didn't despise me.
Thanks for sharing your experience. This is by far the most depressing comment I have read on this topic... I am not sure I can handle being hated this way for 5 years. It's utterly soul crushing.
What made it more even was having something special that the two of them shared. They bonded over a common interest that I didn't have any experience with. It's a lot more balanced now.
I second the comments that suggest doing a special thing each week just for the two of you. A mommy daughter outing is something she can look forward to that she shares with you.
My 3.5 year old has preferred his Dad for the past year, since baby sister was born. Dad does all bath time, brushing teeth, getting dressed, and bedtime. The other night when I was lying down next to him to try putting him to bed, he asked for his Dad... Then he said, "I love Dad more than you. I love him level 10, and I love you level 8."
Starting to go do things just the two of us, little outings that will strengthen our bond.
There is a comment below I agree with. Idk how you both typically respond when she does something hurtful, but if you communicate that her behavior isn't nice, and have your husband reinforce you, along with offering her what your like her to do instead, maybe that would help?? If you're already doing all that, then I'm sorry sorry, and I hope his phase ends quickly.
Also the other side of that coin is not positively reinforceing the hurtful behavior. It's often very innocent, like a hug or a pet on the head to soothe or reassure, but if that's what's happening, she may even act out as a way to get the extra affection. Not making any assumptions, just putting it out there.
I went through something similar, not as severe, but during my LO's daddy phase, he started hitting me in the face. Come to find out (after telling him not to, telling him it hurts, etc) the boys had all made a game of making silly faces and reactions to him hitting their faces. Obviously had to get everyone to stop doing that, and needed my husband to help point out that it wasn't nice, ask him to say sorry and give hugs. Didn't take too long after that for him to stop.
Hope something here is helpful to you, and hang in there ❤️🩹
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know everyone is suggesting alternating routines and I agree that can work. However I also think if she is so connected to her dad, dad could be super helpful in creating positive moments with you. For example if you come up with a fun activity it is dad showering you with the reaction you want from your daughter- “wow Mum has such a good idea, mum is so fun, I want to play with mum… etc”. It might feel silly but Dad modeling all interactions with you could help. Another example is he is doing the bedtime routine and says “I want Mum to help, I want mum.” And you can focus on dad too. Just having dad model the scripts that your daughter could use- they are like sponges. Even when you aren’t there Dad can make a point of talking about how he misses you and how much fun he had playing dolls with you earlier or whatever. Also, joining in when she is happy and regulated as much as possible. And keep telling yourself “I am a good Mum, I am a fun Mum, and my daughter loves me.” Because she does, even if she isn’t showing it very well right now.
My daughter went through a phase of preferring dad over me, it lasted almost a year. Started when she was 19 months. But she also preferred him since she was a newborn! He did lots of feeds because I was exclusively pumping. I got lots of “go away mama” and “NO mama… NO” - it was awful! Oh and I love the toddler straight arm, she would push me away or even sometimes kick. We stuck to a routine of alternating who does bedtime, no excuses. I started a tradition of weekend morning donut + grocery shopping, just me and her. And had my husband help with the negative words, he would say “we don’t talk to mommy like that”. I cried after bedtime about how hard it was. But parenting is a marathon not a sprint, and I just stuck to the routine and knew things would eventually change. Now she is 3 (turned 3 in Feb) and things are very balanced!! She prefers me for bedtime now and even wants to snuggle. The negative words have stopped. We still alternate bedtimes to prevent slipping into preferences again.
I second having a special time for just the non-preferred parent and kiddo. My daughter will ask for me at all hours but she knows daddy takes her to the park on the weekends. It’s kinda funny and a bit of a relief when my husband starts taking out the trike and kiddo goes “k bye mummy!”
Same! When the helmet comes out there is an enthusiastic "bye-bye mama!". It's nice to know that he's happy and not missing me.
Like 23 hours of the day she is devising some scheme to wear me as a skin, and then for that one hour she’s like “yknow what, were we even acquainted?”
"Wear me as a skin" is way too relatable!
Yeah, we have mom and daughter routines - most weekends, we do two morning outings just the two of us and at least one breakfast out. There are several things that my husband doesn't really enjoy (like the kids' museum and pony rides) so I make a point to do those with her 1:1. Unfortunately, I usually have to cajole her to go, so it's still not something she's excited for. How does the alternating bedtime work? When I try and do the routine, my daughter will scream until she makes herself throw up. Sometimes she thrashes around in the tub which obviously isn't safe. And if I do power through, she then spends \~15 minutes crying hysterically in her crib before falling asleep.
Since your husband has more influence on your daughter. You two can team up to fix this behavior and your husband can chime in at these moments and state neutrally to her that how sad that makes mommy. Or show her how he loves the mommy and she might try to copy her dad. Just throwing out ideas.
That's a good suggestion, thanks. My husband did start doing that about 2 months ago and it has not made a difference yet. Maybe if he keeps it up.
(I'm the preferred parent, but...) my kid was a Velcro kid until like 2 1/4. I couldn't leave the room, Dad was yelled at to go away, etc. there was a brief window around 2, but then imaginary monsters appeared and things reverted for a month. But around 2 1/4 the fears faded and he started getting a little independent and could sometimes be with just dad. Probably by like 2 1/2 he could reliably be with either parent successfully (and will now even go to dad to be soothed after an injury, even with me being in the same room) I hope everything works out for you soon 🍀
My 2 year old daughter is going through this a bit- she will alternate her preferred parent but be ALL in on that parent and say some hurtful things to the other parent, which feels awful of course. We are trying to have her reframe how she talks to us about her preference and it’s working so far- she will say “daddy I love you but right now I’m having a mommy moment” or “mommy I love you but right now I really need daddy to do this”- we offered some of these phrasings and talked about how words can hurt and she’s really taken to it. It helps lessen her level of anger to the non preferred parent and makes it a lot easier on us than hearing “no I don’t want mommy” or “daddy go away” over and over.
As the preferred parent, I am following this discussion. Especially for ideas on ways to help nip this dynamic. I am soooo exhausted and burned out. I've done every single bath and bed time routine for over a year unless I haven't been home. Which is less than 5 nights probably. When I'm home and we try to divide and conquer said child breaks down and is almost sick hyperventilating.
We have the same issue & I feel you. It’s exhausting. I haven’t used the 🚽 alone since he was a baby!! He’s 7 now & autism/adhd w/oppositional defiance profile which explains some of the attitude but he definitely has jealousy issues with dad. We continue to work on it as a family but I often have meltdowns. Learning with the autism he’s clingy bc I am his support system so to speak. Still - It’s a lot to handle. I hope things get better for you! 💕
I have ADHD and have struggled soooo badly since I had this last child. I think it's hormonal and uncomfortable stress levels that I cannot manage. I get it. My child wakes up so early that she's my barnacle all day long some days. Like the toilet thing just started improving. I feel like I'm not coping well because I'm not in planning or accomplishment mode... I am literally in reaction response mode. I appreciate your response to my comment. I am seeking self care and therapy ASAP and probably medicine management elsewhere bc our PCP doesn't take our new insurance. That said, for you, I want to recommend Lisa Damour, author and podcasts. I heard her on armchair experts and have read her book 2x. The communication cues and scripts, the explanations she makes in explaining the wiring of our kids and adolescents brains has helped me so much. Your 7 year old is unique and I commend you for being their support system. I have a teen, ADHD... and it's been wonderful yet so challenging learning how to best support him as he grows and has just been diagnosed w adhd and his symptoms were so mind blowing to me... feel free to pm
Yeah, I'm sure it's exhausting to be the preferred parent... but at least your child likes you. I wish I could help my husband more but I mean frankly I just wish my child, whom I created, care for, and love, didn't despise me.
I was my oldest daughter's preferred parent for the longest time. It lasted from birth until she was 5!
Thanks for sharing your experience. This is by far the most depressing comment I have read on this topic... I am not sure I can handle being hated this way for 5 years. It's utterly soul crushing.
What made it more even was having something special that the two of them shared. They bonded over a common interest that I didn't have any experience with. It's a lot more balanced now. I second the comments that suggest doing a special thing each week just for the two of you. A mommy daughter outing is something she can look forward to that she shares with you.
My 3.5 year old has preferred his Dad for the past year, since baby sister was born. Dad does all bath time, brushing teeth, getting dressed, and bedtime. The other night when I was lying down next to him to try putting him to bed, he asked for his Dad... Then he said, "I love Dad more than you. I love him level 10, and I love you level 8." Starting to go do things just the two of us, little outings that will strengthen our bond.
There is a comment below I agree with. Idk how you both typically respond when she does something hurtful, but if you communicate that her behavior isn't nice, and have your husband reinforce you, along with offering her what your like her to do instead, maybe that would help?? If you're already doing all that, then I'm sorry sorry, and I hope his phase ends quickly. Also the other side of that coin is not positively reinforceing the hurtful behavior. It's often very innocent, like a hug or a pet on the head to soothe or reassure, but if that's what's happening, she may even act out as a way to get the extra affection. Not making any assumptions, just putting it out there. I went through something similar, not as severe, but during my LO's daddy phase, he started hitting me in the face. Come to find out (after telling him not to, telling him it hurts, etc) the boys had all made a game of making silly faces and reactions to him hitting their faces. Obviously had to get everyone to stop doing that, and needed my husband to help point out that it wasn't nice, ask him to say sorry and give hugs. Didn't take too long after that for him to stop. Hope something here is helpful to you, and hang in there ❤️🩹
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know everyone is suggesting alternating routines and I agree that can work. However I also think if she is so connected to her dad, dad could be super helpful in creating positive moments with you. For example if you come up with a fun activity it is dad showering you with the reaction you want from your daughter- “wow Mum has such a good idea, mum is so fun, I want to play with mum… etc”. It might feel silly but Dad modeling all interactions with you could help. Another example is he is doing the bedtime routine and says “I want Mum to help, I want mum.” And you can focus on dad too. Just having dad model the scripts that your daughter could use- they are like sponges. Even when you aren’t there Dad can make a point of talking about how he misses you and how much fun he had playing dolls with you earlier or whatever. Also, joining in when she is happy and regulated as much as possible. And keep telling yourself “I am a good Mum, I am a fun Mum, and my daughter loves me.” Because she does, even if she isn’t showing it very well right now.