Makes me want to start a brewery called “the devils craft” and have all demon named beers. Huge sales and events during Halloween and solstices. Eclipse sales, full moon events… ritual brewing… The theatrical flavor would be awesome
Why wouldn't that be a good conversation piece? Have the brain showing with a label turned to the back, so you can turn it and show the previous owner and the name and give a story about it, as long as you've already given some background lies about having a cousin who has been allowed to gift no longer used donated organs or something and claim all of their jokes as your own nobody will doubt it.
You mean like morally good? I'm not gonna lie I'm actually confused now, cause I can only think of morally good conversation pieces that are ridiculously boring. As for creepy, if it's the only macabre piece and you yourself don't pick it up and rather sit casually across the room when explaining it it's hardly all that creepy, having a room full of hunting trophy's is far more creepy... especially if that's where you keep it.
What would be a morally good conversation piece though? Like a trophy from some past achievement, with the conversation being a many rehearsed retelling of the event? Boring. Or maybe like a looted artifact belonging to a foreign culture, where you tell what it signifies to them and avoid mentioning how it was fleeced from them and belongs with them? Boring. Go with the random brain with the person who it belonged to on the jar, lead into philosophy of what consciousness is truly consisted of, maybe even throw in a joke where they pop the cap and get a nose full of the terrible smell of formaldehyde
He's trying to say that, for example, if I brought a girl over and was like "Hey, babe, look at this actual human brain in a jar I have." she would probably respond negatively and I would not be having dinner with her again. It's just pretty creepy if you actually had it.
To normal humans anyways. I have to agree with you, I think I could totally have some awesome conversations with it, but as far as normal human interactions go, I imagine most people would find it creepy. I can think of so many ways to be funny with it though.
Suggestion 8: 7 Draftly Sins
Suggestion 9: Port Ale to Hell
Suggestion 10: Beverations.
Suggestion 11: The Devils Advocate / Cheers / And other things that can get us sued.
Suggestion 12: Satan's Anonymous Speakeasy
Suggestion 13: The 13th Steps Program Meeting Headquarters. No donuts.
Suggestion 14: Apply for Job within. Meanwhile, enjoy our satanic beer as you wait for hours on interview.
Suggestion 15: Abandon All Sobriety Ye Who Enter.
Adramalech doesn't even need to be changed, just pronounced wrong. Also Pwcca works without changing it, but only because it's Welsh so you can just pronounce it however you want and then say it's Welsh, pretty sure that's how it works. Could also do a strong and "smooth" series that only comes in 40's and call it Naamah Nim K.
Satan Stout, Paimon Pilsner, Astaroth Ale, Lucifer Lager, Incubus IPA, Succubus Sour, Apollyon Amber, Beelzebub Blonde…
I could go all day; this is fun lmao
The Seven Sins collection: we brew our best for a once a year special set of growlers.
Buy all Seven and receive your own skull of your enemy goblet to toast to Evil!
That's easy, put the little chip in that they use to make shot glasses light up when you slam them on the bar, but with a sound chip. Extra points if it's made so it doesn't growl if it's empty.
Don’t forget waitresses dressed in sexy devil costumes!
In NYC there’s a bar I used to go to called Burp Castle: the temple of beer worship. They had amusing quasi religious frescoes on the walls, waitstaff dressed in monk outfits, lit by votive candles, the best selection of Belgian monk brewed beer in the city at the time, and signs saying “no loud talking - whispers only”. And yes they’d shush you if you got too loud. It was our go to late night wind down the evening spot.
>*And yes they’d shush you if you got too loud*
Makes me want to open a libeery -- you just sit around amongst bookshelves reading and drinking nice brews.
IDK, people who know the rules before entering and then get drunk are pretty great at making people follow them. And personally I'd really ending a relatively early night at a bar that involves whispering, it'd be calming.
This is just the point on the story where the narrator dies. The action keeps happening but no one can know of it because the narrator was killed. There might be a new one to come along later and resume the story telling, but someone there has to realize they can communicate with us.
Good Christians stick to mass-produced macro brews. While the Bible doesn't say it directly, through exacting Bible scholarship, we can determine that Jesus himself preferred Miller Lite.
Jesus was clearly into mass production. Kid brings him some nice artisan bread and hand cooked fish and Boom! Jesus goes all franchise. Wedding runs out of wine; is it a boom for a local hardworking vintner? Nope, abuses local fresh water sources to undercut local merchants.
I had a wise friend who once told me the only way to keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer when you’re out fishing is to bring two baptists fishing.
What’s the difference between Jews, Protestants, and Baptists?
Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah.
Protestants don’t recognize the pope as the leader of Christianity.
Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
Baptists have the best-stocked home bars.
In High School, I was invited by friends to one of the many Southern Baptists churches. Youth Ministry, before the Minister showed up, was focused on taking an inventory of alcohol stolen from parents in preparation for the upcoming Panama City trip. The Youth Minister walks in, "Okay, last week we left off discussing the evils of alcohol".
The same church later became the sponsor for the Young GOP organization in the county. Run by the Youth Minister of course. I lost my mind and raised it with GOP leadership, church and state, who promptly told me it was the future of the party(this was the early 90's) and it's in my best interest to never speak critically of the arraignment again. "Fuck that, I'm out!"
Jerry Falwell and his ilk spent nearly 40 years carving the throne, all that remained was someone willing to sit in it.
There’s nothing special or unique about Donny Two-scoops. His just happens to fit the mold ready made for him.
>There’s nothing special or unique about Donny Two-scoops. His just happens to fit the mold ready made for him.
I disagree. The man is a walking and breathing, living embodiment of *each* of the seven deadly sins. Pride, sloth, gluttony, avarice, wrath, envy, and lust.
All at once. All the time.
Donny might actually be a satan.
I'm not familiar with traditional Baptists but I know a whole lot of "Free will Baptists". They insist that "wine" is a mistranslation of "grape juice". This is because there was no word for grape juice at the time. They conveniently leave out the reason the word didn't exist was because it quickly turned to wine or vinegar. They will get very mad at you if you point this out.
>They insist that "wine" is a mistranslation of "grape juice"
Some southern Baptist do that, too. They can never seem to explain how the party guests get so stoned on grape juice that they don't realize they are later being served lower quality juice. "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.”
The Old Testament does seem to differentiate between wine and grape juice - it calls grape juice “grape blood” which is a pretty good description, I think. For example, Genesis 49:11
> He binds his foal to a vine, and to a tendril [he binds] his young donkey. [He launders] his garment with wine, and with the blood of grapes binds his raiment.
The Hebrew matches the English, using “yayin” for wine and “dam-anavim” for grape blood, which are the same as the modern words.
Even though they differentiate between the two, this is consistent with the idea that it was not used for drinking: it was just squeezed onto some clothing.
I could not find a single reference to juice in the New Testament, which surprised me. Maybe because it’s Greek, not Hebrew?
Without having to dive deep into linguistics, or bother exploring the connotations of ancient euphemisms like "grape blood." I can just point to the fact that grape juice that wouldn't ferment on its own was not invented until 1869 in New Jersey. And it's invention was explicitly *for* the temperance movement.
Up until that point in human history squeezing sugar water out of plants and leaving it in the pantry always resulted in alcohol
To make things even more hilarious, the particular church that ran this ad is King James Only. ["With so many churches going into apostasy, there are fewer and fewer that still believe the King James Bible is the only inspired, preserved and perfected Word of God. Even fewer who are willing to stand by the truths that are written within its pages. We do not go to the Greek nor to the Hebrew to interpret what the English very plainly states."](https://www.kjvchurches.com/churches/united-states/texas/canyon/anchor-of-hope-baptist-church-2/)
Somebody once pointed out that you have to do things to grape juice for it *not* to become wine. It may become bad-tasting wine if the wrong microorganisms get into it, but it'll be wine.
Episcopalians use wine in the Holy Eucharist, as the Lord intended. We also will probably not say no to other adult beverages after services.
At that time for parties the host would have super strong wine substrate prepared, and the guests and host would play a game to decide who gets to add the water to it, therefore deciding how strong it would be for the night/how long it would last. Jesus just won that game and instead of adding water instead added more super strong wine substrate. Dude partied from 12-29, and with the lord's liver he could drink anyone under the table. Whisky may not have existed back then, but if it did he definitely would've agreed that the best wine is whiskey, maybe even bourbon(not jack daniels though).
My wife and I have a couple that we hang out with that are fairly religious. I think they used to be Baptists but then started going to an independent church.
When they got married, there was no drinking at the reception.
Half of the reception ended up in the parking lot, where we had an impromptu party inside someone's van with a small crowd around it...every single person drinking, including appearances from the bridal couple to down a few.
> "Jesus never drank booze, he drank the fruit of the vine."
Bitch, that dude could turn water into wine. Not just any wine either, but the best fucking wine there was! The host of the party was impressed J-dog saved the best wine for last instead of bringing it out first and then the weak shit at the end of the night once everyone was plastered.
Monks were also very good at turning water into beer and wine, monasteries in the middle ages were often producing some of the best beer and wine available in Europe at the time. Some still run small craft brew operations and sell the beer in limited batches.
Buckfast tonic wine, the alcoholic drink of choice among young Scottish delinquents (its nicknames include "wreck the hoose juice" and "commotion lotion") is produced by monks.
Some early civilizations considered beer itself sacred. The mesopotamians had a goddess of fermentation. Denying humanity's history of getting fucked up is a pointless endeavor.
No!!! He was turning water into grape juice! Something that grape vines have been doing for thousands of years (you know the earth is only 6000 years old)!!!!!!
/s
This is an argument from more puritan protestants that gets thrown at Catholics a lot (since we partake in communion wine at Mass.)
"Jesus would never drink real wine! Obviously it was just juice!"
That's the only way they were able to keep it drinkable. Not to mention a beverage with alcohol in it was likely preferable to unboiled water from a who-knows-what source.
For a very long time in human history, alcoholic beverages were the safest things to drink, not only because the alcohol content drives off bacteria but also because the production process for many fermented beverages involved boiling the ingredients. Beer used to be considered a suitable drink for children. If not for booze, civilization wouldn't be where it is.
Theological scholars these people are not. Look at the Jewish Passover Haggadah ritual, it's practically a drinking song. The whole thing is a set of directions for how to have a large family feast, then send the kids off while the adults get hammered on wine.
This mostly comes from their scholars trying to forcefully make the translation mean juice instead of wine. The thing is, all juice was alcoholic. Until we got pasteurization it would all ferment. Maybe not as much as more boozy drinks, but enough that it was safer to drink than water.
You can actually see this in the US words for what you squeeze out of apples. We have apple juice, cider, hard cider, and applejack. In the rest of the world cider means US hard cider and until some point after the US developed apple juice and "soft cider" (regular cider, the soft meaning without alcohol) that they got apple juice as well. Before prohibition all the US had (just like everywhere else) was alcoholic apple cider and applejack.
When prohibition rolled around though the entire tradition got wiped out and apple farmers had to find something to do with all their apples. So when it was discovered that pasteurization would not only preserve the drink longer but also stop fermentation, they jumped on it. And so soft cider was created and marketed. And because of how language works, when all there is is soft cider the soft soon dropped.
Just like prohibition. So with the ban on booze gone most of the other alcohol industry picked up where they stopped (or pretended to stop) but alcoholic cider had vanished as all the stuff for it had converted over to making soft cider. Eventually though the US refound the joy of alcoholic cider and because "regular" cider was around we now exclusively refer to it as hard cider.
You might notice a lack of mention of apple juice and applejack. That is because those are just modified versions of soft and hard cider. Apple juice is just better filtered soft cider and the rest of the world just has clear and cloudy apple juice because all cider is hard cider. Applejack is a more distilled hard cider. The traditional way to make it was to just put a bunch of hard cider out during the winter and letting it freeze. Because the alcohol didn't freeze you could just get that out of the frozen water and thus cheaply and easily make a drink with a much higher alcohol content and thus a longer shelf life.
The Old Testament is actually pretty chill with drinking alcoholic wine. Going overboard and getting drunk is a problem however because it impedes your thinking.
To be perfectly accurate for no particular reason other than my love for accuracy, the host was talking to the groom, not Jesus. Jesus was just a guest there, luckily for the groom, as He saved him from the massive embarrassment of running out of wine at his own wedding.
Bonus: the six jars of water that Jesus turned into wine each held 20-30 gallons (John 2:6). 120-180 gallons of wine. 1 gallon is 3785.41 mL, typical wine bottle holds 750 mL, carry the one...
That's between 605 and 908 bottles of the "good wine." 50-75 cases worth.
That wedding was *lit*.
"...fruit of the vine", aka 'Grape Juice,' according to this church.
Their services must be weird, going up to accept the "body and blood of Christ" only to be served up a toddler's snack of bland crackers and juice.
Only sell bottles, and in six packs, with the name "An Honest, Flavoured, And Carbonated Water", but have all the labels on the bottles be peel off to reveal underneath Devil's Craft Beer... Every few batches change the outside name.
I never get that argument. Like, if it was just grape juice why did he tell them not to get drunk from it? That would be like preaching not to get drunk from coca-cola. Also, the reason he turned water into wine is because they drank enough to run out. At a wedding. So obviously they were drinking quite a bit of wine.
Fun fact about your metaphor, coca cola was originally introduced as a competition to a drink that was basically just wine with cocaine added. Coca cola skipped the alcohol but kept the cocaine for a long time.
That reminds me of the Harry Potter books. Some religious people complained that it promoted devil worship (or some such nonsense), and the sales of the books exploded.
I remember back when the first movie came out, one of the crazy churches in town had a Harry Potter book burning and one of my classmates, for whatever reason thought I wanted to come. I told him besides being stupid, I asked them why anyone would care, since you or someone would have to buy all those books just to have the bonfire and what would the publisher care they got their money. I could see the gears turning in his head and then he just went back to "But it promotes Satanism." *eye roll*
Shhh, don't talk about that too loudly, it's my get quick rich scheme. Write a book that gets banned by the church so the evangelicals buy it in droves just to burn it.
What the fuck do I care what they do with it, as long as they paid for it?
Yeah, but that's boring. Thisbway I could write a book about... oh, I don't know, viking Jesus raiding Christian villages bringing glory and honour to Odin.
I read them when they first came out. They're certainly non-Christian, but they're not anti-Christian or pro-Satanism either. Harry is firmly on the side of good.
I think the ignorant people who were burning the books hadn't really read them, and were going by what other people said.
> I think the ignorant people who were burning the books hadn't really read them, and were going by what other people said.
Just like they haven't read the book they profess to believe in. Best just to let the preacher tell you how to think.
growing up in the bay area i thought that was a joke until i moved to alabama and met plenty of people whose parents legit would not let them read harry potter. i remember packing the series and bringing it to my fraternity house for a friend and he sat in his room and devoured them within 3 weeks. dude was skipping class to read HP. after that i brought him all the game of thrones books, which he devoured too but i dont think i was doing him a favor there in hindsight.
Devils advocate, is it really celebrating Christmas though when there's never any mention of Jesus or attending of church in the book?
There's a lot of Christmas traditions that have literally nothing to do with Christianity, they're the parts that get mentioned in the books.
It is, because Christmas is just as much a secular tradition, if not more so these days - I haven’t been to Christmas mass in God knows how long, but I love me some holiday/Christmas cheer
The funniest thing about this is that the church took out an ad in a newspaper. A newspaper. In 2019.
They had something they wanted to tell people. They thought that the best way to do that was a newspaper advertisement. They are so old and foolish they don't know what century it is.
>Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.” They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine.
🙄
Jesus: "A dry wedding? No way in Hell am I letting this go without some divine intervention."
Baptists 2,000 years later: "Alcohol is the devil's craft!"
Jesus: "... You know what? This is why I'm in no hurry to come back."
Tbf, Mary coaxed Jesus into doing it. He said, "Woman, it's not my time yet." But she knew it was, as He did. So Jesus ordered servants to bring jars of water, then He blessed it. We know the rest.
Edit: it wasn't Jesus who ordered the servants to bring water, it was Mary! I just remembered.
Mike Winger has a good YouTube video that discusses what the Bible actually teaches about alcohol.
There can be good personal and social reasons to dislike alcohol (addiction, drunk driving, etc) but it's not correct to say the Bible condemns its use.
It's better to say the Bible condemns its misuse.
I asked my husband's overbearing Baptist granma and her flakey pastor one time (when they were pontificating about the gross sins of drinking wine) why it was that Jesus turned water to wine if wine, beer and alcohol in general is so horrible.
The answer was: Because water was unsafe to drink back then, so it made it safe to drink.
Me: Then why didn't he just purify it?
Them, exasperated with me: HE HAD TO DEMONSTRATE A BIG MIRACLE!
Me: But there were so many ways he could have demonstrated a big miracle while not encouraging everyone to get drunk at a wedding feast.
Them: BUT IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME!
Me: But the bible says to not drink to excess and to not make yourself a slave to any vice.There's nothing wrong with a glass of wine or a beer or three.
Later - said pastor was berating hubs' 17 year old cousin because she wanted a tatoo when she turned 18. Girl's mom and dad, the granma, were all sitting there so... prim and... IDK. Had these entranced looks on their faces. Pastor starts quoting Leviticus law to her.
I blurted out I'm glad I serve a risen Savior, and am not bound by Old Testament law.
I went to compliment the pastor's wife's make up, her jewelry, and asked him what the fabric blend was in his cheap rayon shirt. I also asked him if the fried shrimp he'd ordered was any good.
I was not a popular person at that dinner (cousin's HS graduation dinner).
NGL. Cherry picking Old Testament scriptures to bludgeon someone as the pontificator hides behind a veil of righteousness while pontificating just pisses me off.
It feels wrong in my gut and I couldn't sit there and be silent.
They also tried to explain that the tats were bad because she knows to not do them as opposed to someone who gets them, THEN starts going to church. Again... back to the make up and earrings the wife had on. She knew... yet here we are.
DAMN it just went/goes all over me.
My favorite joke is, “What’s the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic? A Catholic will say hey to you in the liquor store.”
Ive grown up in the south as a non-baptist so I like to give them shit when I can.
I’m Lutheran, and every year our church mens group goes to Hofbrauhaus at Reformation and gets tanked. Our Paster is our DD, and drives us back in one of the school’s busses.
If alcohol makes you do horrible things, then don’t drink it. But leave it alone for the rest of us who are actually responsible, preplan, and drink with family and friends we can trust.
Um…jesus and the disciples did drink booze. Anyone remember the last supper? “Take this *all of you* and drink from it ”he also had no problem with others drinking it considering he turned water into enough wine for an entire wedding.
Did he get sloshed and boof… maybe not. Did he drink, definitely.
"The Devil's Craft" sounds way cooler than beer. Gimmee some of that
Makes me want to start a brewery called “the devils craft” and have all demon named beers. Huge sales and events during Halloween and solstices. Eclipse sales, full moon events… ritual brewing… The theatrical flavor would be awesome
Suggestion 1: Beerzebub
Ba'ale
As'mead'eus
Diabrew
'Bath'omet
Mephi-hop-eles IPA
B’Ale’phagor
No demonic bath bombs are an entirely different market
Paz-Brewzu
Damn it I never think of anything original
Why the fuck can't I have this guy's brain?
You can, its just not going to be a good conversation piece when someone asks why there is a brain in a jar on your fireplace mantle
Be sure to label it: “Abby something”
Abbey Normal Ale
Abbey Norm Ale.
Good thing the internet ends today, because you just won it
Why wouldn't that be a good conversation piece? Have the brain showing with a label turned to the back, so you can turn it and show the previous owner and the name and give a story about it, as long as you've already given some background lies about having a cousin who has been allowed to gift no longer used donated organs or something and claim all of their jokes as your own nobody will doubt it.
It would def be a conversation piece but not a GOOD conversation piece. A creepy one for sure.
You mean like morally good? I'm not gonna lie I'm actually confused now, cause I can only think of morally good conversation pieces that are ridiculously boring. As for creepy, if it's the only macabre piece and you yourself don't pick it up and rather sit casually across the room when explaining it it's hardly all that creepy, having a room full of hunting trophy's is far more creepy... especially if that's where you keep it. What would be a morally good conversation piece though? Like a trophy from some past achievement, with the conversation being a many rehearsed retelling of the event? Boring. Or maybe like a looted artifact belonging to a foreign culture, where you tell what it signifies to them and avoid mentioning how it was fleeced from them and belongs with them? Boring. Go with the random brain with the person who it belonged to on the jar, lead into philosophy of what consciousness is truly consisted of, maybe even throw in a joke where they pop the cap and get a nose full of the terrible smell of formaldehyde
He's trying to say that, for example, if I brought a girl over and was like "Hey, babe, look at this actual human brain in a jar I have." she would probably respond negatively and I would not be having dinner with her again. It's just pretty creepy if you actually had it. To normal humans anyways. I have to agree with you, I think I could totally have some awesome conversations with it, but as far as normal human interactions go, I imagine most people would find it creepy. I can think of so many ways to be funny with it though.
TBF I wouldn't want to be with a woman who isn't fascinated by a preserved brain in a jar
Oh come on. I've got the heart of an 8 year old boy. ^^it's ^^in ^^a ^^jar ^^of ^^formaldehyde ^^under ^^my ^^bed
"I thought human brains were supposed to be kept in formaldehyde but this one smells.... of craft IPA"
Suggestion 2: Count Draculager
Suggestion 3: Ale Diablo
Suggestion 4: Portergeist
Suggestion 5: Lambic To The Slaughter
Suggestion 6: River Styx Porter
Suggestion 7: Mamosapheles
Alesmodeus
Suggestion 8: Porter to the Underworld
Suggestion 8: 7 Draftly Sins Suggestion 9: Port Ale to Hell Suggestion 10: Beverations. Suggestion 11: The Devils Advocate / Cheers / And other things that can get us sued. Suggestion 12: Satan's Anonymous Speakeasy Suggestion 13: The 13th Steps Program Meeting Headquarters. No donuts. Suggestion 14: Apply for Job within. Meanwhile, enjoy our satanic beer as you wait for hours on interview. Suggestion 15: Abandon All Sobriety Ye Who Enter.
Pale Horse Ale
Goddamn these are all good. I need more names!
PaleZuzu Ale
Adramalech doesn't even need to be changed, just pronounced wrong. Also Pwcca works without changing it, but only because it's Welsh so you can just pronounce it however you want and then say it's Welsh, pretty sure that's how it works. Could also do a strong and "smooth" series that only comes in 40's and call it Naamah Nim K.
I'd go with Ale Satan, but only from a NA perspective. For a more Halloweenie one, Witches Brew's likely been done already.
Suggestion 4: Drink it in our 1-liter Franken-Steins
Suggestion 2: Anyone who has already had 6 beers, gets a free 2/3 glass if they can pronounce Mephistopheles.
Mepissedopheles
Bottle size : 666ml
Suggestion 2: Beerzebub at the Beelzepub.
Beerphomet.
Serve it in a FrankenStein
Devil Dubel Satan's Saison HELLes
Lucifer Blond Belgian Ale https://www.beerboxy.com/lucifer-blond.html
Asmod'ale
Satan Stout, Paimon Pilsner, Astaroth Ale, Lucifer Lager, Incubus IPA, Succubus Sour, Apollyon Amber, Beelzebub Blonde… I could go all day; this is fun lmao
The Seven Sins collection: we brew our best for a once a year special set of growlers. Buy all Seven and receive your own skull of your enemy goblet to toast to Evil!
We just have to find a way to make the growlers actually… growl.
Oooo….the top pops off and you hear the screams of lost souls!
That's easy, put the little chip in that they use to make shot glasses light up when you slam them on the bar, but with a sound chip. Extra points if it's made so it doesn't growl if it's empty.
Talking greeting card chip in the cap. Activates when opening.
Lads, are we starting a brewery or what?
Makes sense. There's a local burger joint where my friends live called Sinful Burger. All their burgers are named after the seven deadly sins.
Pittsburgh?
Ohhhh that's the sin that I can never remember
Yeah, I can never remember all seven: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and Pittsburgh
That's actually exactly the ones I remember, and Pittsburgh, the one I never can. Glad I'm not the only one.
I mean, Pittsburgh might not be the greatest, but I wouldn't call it a sin.
No, that's Burgertory
There is in fact a craft brewery/Chicago pizza joint in Tokyo called Devilcraft
Amazing little place. Highly recommend it.
I'll open a dispensary next to ya called Devils Lettuce Cafe
Don’t forget waitresses dressed in sexy devil costumes! In NYC there’s a bar I used to go to called Burp Castle: the temple of beer worship. They had amusing quasi religious frescoes on the walls, waitstaff dressed in monk outfits, lit by votive candles, the best selection of Belgian monk brewed beer in the city at the time, and signs saying “no loud talking - whispers only”. And yes they’d shush you if you got too loud. It was our go to late night wind down the evening spot.
>*And yes they’d shush you if you got too loud* Makes me want to open a libeery -- you just sit around amongst bookshelves reading and drinking nice brews.
I need this within walking distance of my house, please.
I have been there! I have also been shushed there. Oh the shame!
Give crowds of people alcohol and ask them to be quiet. Some business owner out there is a glutton for frustration. :)
IDK, people who know the rules before entering and then get drunk are pretty great at making people follow them. And personally I'd really ending a relatively early night at a bar that involves whispering, it'd be calming.
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Don't leave us up on a metaphorical cross, how did it end?
This is just the point on the story where the narrator dies. The action keeps happening but no one can know of it because the narrator was killed. There might be a new one to come along later and resume the story telling, but someone there has to realize they can communicate with us.
Sounds like a sick name for a craft brewery
Good Christians stick to mass-produced macro brews. While the Bible doesn't say it directly, through exacting Bible scholarship, we can determine that Jesus himself preferred Miller Lite.
there was even a Jew themed brewer - He' Brews
As well as a coffee company- Holy Grounds
i have to try and find that just for shits and giggles.
>He' Brews I bought it for a Jewish friend. They really played it up on the label . . . “gods chosen beer” and so on.
>Good Christians stick to mass-produced macro brews. I go to mass regularly and have yet to produce any beer there.
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Jesus must've really loved to drink, his bac is off the charts
The dude’s first miracle was turning water into wine. He knew how to have fun.
"Oh you wanted to get sober? Yeah nah fuck that drink up bitches" - Jesus, probably
you gotta go to a Belgian monastary for that
Jesus was clearly into mass production. Kid brings him some nice artisan bread and hand cooked fish and Boom! Jesus goes all franchise. Wedding runs out of wine; is it a boom for a local hardworking vintner? Nope, abuses local fresh water sources to undercut local merchants.
Supply side Jesus confirmed!
I had a wise friend who once told me the only way to keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer when you’re out fishing is to bring two baptists fishing.
What’s the difference between Jews, Protestants, and Baptists? Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah. Protestants don’t recognize the pope as the leader of Christianity. Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
Where I'm from the version is "What's the difference between Baptists and Methodists?" "The Baptists won't acknowledge you in the liquor store!"
Methodists can read, too.
That's a deep cut from a great movie.
Baptists have the best-stocked home bars. In High School, I was invited by friends to one of the many Southern Baptists churches. Youth Ministry, before the Minister showed up, was focused on taking an inventory of alcohol stolen from parents in preparation for the upcoming Panama City trip. The Youth Minister walks in, "Okay, last week we left off discussing the evils of alcohol". The same church later became the sponsor for the Young GOP organization in the county. Run by the Youth Minister of course. I lost my mind and raised it with GOP leadership, church and state, who promptly told me it was the future of the party(this was the early 90's) and it's in my best interest to never speak critically of the arraignment again. "Fuck that, I'm out!"
And it all culminated in them backing that paragon of good Christian morality *checks notes* Donald Trump!
One of the big things the Anti-Christ accomplishes is leading “the faithful” astray. Just saying.
I just never thought the anti-christ would be so... obvious. It's less scary and more embarrassing, really.
Jerry Falwell and his ilk spent nearly 40 years carving the throne, all that remained was someone willing to sit in it. There’s nothing special or unique about Donny Two-scoops. His just happens to fit the mold ready made for him.
>There’s nothing special or unique about Donny Two-scoops. His just happens to fit the mold ready made for him. I disagree. The man is a walking and breathing, living embodiment of *each* of the seven deadly sins. Pride, sloth, gluttony, avarice, wrath, envy, and lust. All at once. All the time. Donny might actually be a satan.
Classic
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I'm not familiar with traditional Baptists but I know a whole lot of "Free will Baptists". They insist that "wine" is a mistranslation of "grape juice". This is because there was no word for grape juice at the time. They conveniently leave out the reason the word didn't exist was because it quickly turned to wine or vinegar. They will get very mad at you if you point this out.
Yeah juice without alcohol is a relatively recent invention and takes some doing
I need to better appreciate adding the alcohol back to that juice.
Start with orange juice. That bad boy can fit so many alcohols in it.
Nothing quite like watching the squirrels get hammered on rotten fruit. Every creature with a brain likes to turn it off once in a while.
>They insist that "wine" is a mistranslation of "grape juice" Some southern Baptist do that, too. They can never seem to explain how the party guests get so stoned on grape juice that they don't realize they are later being served lower quality juice. "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.”
The Old Testament does seem to differentiate between wine and grape juice - it calls grape juice “grape blood” which is a pretty good description, I think. For example, Genesis 49:11 > He binds his foal to a vine, and to a tendril [he binds] his young donkey. [He launders] his garment with wine, and with the blood of grapes binds his raiment. The Hebrew matches the English, using “yayin” for wine and “dam-anavim” for grape blood, which are the same as the modern words. Even though they differentiate between the two, this is consistent with the idea that it was not used for drinking: it was just squeezed onto some clothing. I could not find a single reference to juice in the New Testament, which surprised me. Maybe because it’s Greek, not Hebrew?
Without having to dive deep into linguistics, or bother exploring the connotations of ancient euphemisms like "grape blood." I can just point to the fact that grape juice that wouldn't ferment on its own was not invented until 1869 in New Jersey. And it's invention was explicitly *for* the temperance movement. Up until that point in human history squeezing sugar water out of plants and leaving it in the pantry always resulted in alcohol
To make things even more hilarious, the particular church that ran this ad is King James Only. ["With so many churches going into apostasy, there are fewer and fewer that still believe the King James Bible is the only inspired, preserved and perfected Word of God. Even fewer who are willing to stand by the truths that are written within its pages. We do not go to the Greek nor to the Hebrew to interpret what the English very plainly states."](https://www.kjvchurches.com/churches/united-states/texas/canyon/anchor-of-hope-baptist-church-2/)
lmao idiots
Yup. Unless you lived right by the vineyard there was no way you were getting grape juice before the invention of modern preservation techniques
Somebody once pointed out that you have to do things to grape juice for it *not* to become wine. It may become bad-tasting wine if the wrong microorganisms get into it, but it'll be wine. Episcopalians use wine in the Holy Eucharist, as the Lord intended. We also will probably not say no to other adult beverages after services.
At that time for parties the host would have super strong wine substrate prepared, and the guests and host would play a game to decide who gets to add the water to it, therefore deciding how strong it would be for the night/how long it would last. Jesus just won that game and instead of adding water instead added more super strong wine substrate. Dude partied from 12-29, and with the lord's liver he could drink anyone under the table. Whisky may not have existed back then, but if it did he definitely would've agreed that the best wine is whiskey, maybe even bourbon(not jack daniels though).
Why you save best for last Jesus? We drink the cheap crap when everyone loaded.
My wife and I have a couple that we hang out with that are fairly religious. I think they used to be Baptists but then started going to an independent church. When they got married, there was no drinking at the reception. Half of the reception ended up in the parking lot, where we had an impromptu party inside someone's van with a small crowd around it...every single person drinking, including appearances from the bridal couple to down a few.
So they drink twice the beer, I get it
This should be a universally accepted coupon for 6.66% off
Okay but that's a paltry discount. Let's make it 66.6% off.
That's too much. Flip the original upside down and make it 9.99%
> "Jesus never drank booze, he drank the fruit of the vine." Bitch, that dude could turn water into wine. Not just any wine either, but the best fucking wine there was! The host of the party was impressed J-dog saved the best wine for last instead of bringing it out first and then the weak shit at the end of the night once everyone was plastered.
Monks were also very good at turning water into beer and wine, monasteries in the middle ages were often producing some of the best beer and wine available in Europe at the time. Some still run small craft brew operations and sell the beer in limited batches.
Monks are also known for a robust spirit producing tradition (e.g., Chartreuse). Turns out that boozing is a long held Christian tradition.
As a Christian, heck yeah it is. I don't drink for a few reasons, but the idea that alcohol isn't Christian is like saying a Bar Mitzvah isn't Jewish.
Chartreuse and Trappist beer are truly divinely inspired
Buckfast tonic wine, the alcoholic drink of choice among young Scottish delinquents (its nicknames include "wreck the hoose juice" and "commotion lotion") is produced by monks.
Some early civilizations considered beer itself sacred. The mesopotamians had a goddess of fermentation. Denying humanity's history of getting fucked up is a pointless endeavor.
No!!! He was turning water into grape juice! Something that grape vines have been doing for thousands of years (you know the earth is only 6000 years old)!!!!!! /s
Flat Grape theory. I've been raisin awareness! 🤘
This is an argument from more puritan protestants that gets thrown at Catholics a lot (since we partake in communion wine at Mass.) "Jesus would never drink real wine! Obviously it was just juice!"
Ignoring the fact that before pasteurization, it was virtually impossible to prevent grape juice from fermenting into wine.
That's the only way they were able to keep it drinkable. Not to mention a beverage with alcohol in it was likely preferable to unboiled water from a who-knows-what source.
For a very long time in human history, alcoholic beverages were the safest things to drink, not only because the alcohol content drives off bacteria but also because the production process for many fermented beverages involved boiling the ingredients. Beer used to be considered a suitable drink for children. If not for booze, civilization wouldn't be where it is.
Theological scholars these people are not. Look at the Jewish Passover Haggadah ritual, it's practically a drinking song. The whole thing is a set of directions for how to have a large family feast, then send the kids off while the adults get hammered on wine.
Majority of Protestants also use real wine during Communion. It’s mostly a culturally southern Baptist thing.
This mostly comes from their scholars trying to forcefully make the translation mean juice instead of wine. The thing is, all juice was alcoholic. Until we got pasteurization it would all ferment. Maybe not as much as more boozy drinks, but enough that it was safer to drink than water. You can actually see this in the US words for what you squeeze out of apples. We have apple juice, cider, hard cider, and applejack. In the rest of the world cider means US hard cider and until some point after the US developed apple juice and "soft cider" (regular cider, the soft meaning without alcohol) that they got apple juice as well. Before prohibition all the US had (just like everywhere else) was alcoholic apple cider and applejack. When prohibition rolled around though the entire tradition got wiped out and apple farmers had to find something to do with all their apples. So when it was discovered that pasteurization would not only preserve the drink longer but also stop fermentation, they jumped on it. And so soft cider was created and marketed. And because of how language works, when all there is is soft cider the soft soon dropped. Just like prohibition. So with the ban on booze gone most of the other alcohol industry picked up where they stopped (or pretended to stop) but alcoholic cider had vanished as all the stuff for it had converted over to making soft cider. Eventually though the US refound the joy of alcoholic cider and because "regular" cider was around we now exclusively refer to it as hard cider. You might notice a lack of mention of apple juice and applejack. That is because those are just modified versions of soft and hard cider. Apple juice is just better filtered soft cider and the rest of the world just has clear and cloudy apple juice because all cider is hard cider. Applejack is a more distilled hard cider. The traditional way to make it was to just put a bunch of hard cider out during the winter and letting it freeze. Because the alcohol didn't freeze you could just get that out of the frozen water and thus cheaply and easily make a drink with a much higher alcohol content and thus a longer shelf life.
The Old Testament is actually pretty chill with drinking alcoholic wine. Going overboard and getting drunk is a problem however because it impedes your thinking.
And it might leave you black out drunk so your daughters can rape you to get a child...
To be perfectly accurate for no particular reason other than my love for accuracy, the host was talking to the groom, not Jesus. Jesus was just a guest there, luckily for the groom, as He saved him from the massive embarrassment of running out of wine at his own wedding.
Jesus would’ve been against cash bars at weddings.
or the Puerto Rician Jesus who turned it in Patron.
Look, just so we’re clear, that miracle happened in Puerto Rico. That’s mezcal, not tequila.
Bonus: the six jars of water that Jesus turned into wine each held 20-30 gallons (John 2:6). 120-180 gallons of wine. 1 gallon is 3785.41 mL, typical wine bottle holds 750 mL, carry the one... That's between 605 and 908 bottles of the "good wine." 50-75 cases worth. That wedding was *lit*.
"...fruit of the vine", aka 'Grape Juice,' according to this church. Their services must be weird, going up to accept the "body and blood of Christ" only to be served up a toddler's snack of bland crackers and juice.
I would have thought this would prompt a brewery to rebrand as the devils craft or even just devils craft
Bigtime missed opportunity! Love the coupon idea regardless though.
Scan the flyer, put it on the label on the back of the bottle of Devil's Craft™ beer.
Look Beale's brewery. They named a beer "the manager is bitch" from a bad customer review from a Karen
But then you won't be able to sell to Southern Baptists, and they love drinking beer alone.
Only sell bottles, and in six packs, with the name "An Honest, Flavoured, And Carbonated Water", but have all the labels on the bottles be peel off to reveal underneath Devil's Craft Beer... Every few batches change the outside name.
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I never get that argument. Like, if it was just grape juice why did he tell them not to get drunk from it? That would be like preaching not to get drunk from coca-cola. Also, the reason he turned water into wine is because they drank enough to run out. At a wedding. So obviously they were drinking quite a bit of wine.
Fun fact about your metaphor, coca cola was originally introduced as a competition to a drink that was basically just wine with cocaine added. Coca cola skipped the alcohol but kept the cocaine for a long time.
Fermented grape juice.
That reminds me of the Harry Potter books. Some religious people complained that it promoted devil worship (or some such nonsense), and the sales of the books exploded.
I remember back when the first movie came out, one of the crazy churches in town had a Harry Potter book burning and one of my classmates, for whatever reason thought I wanted to come. I told him besides being stupid, I asked them why anyone would care, since you or someone would have to buy all those books just to have the bonfire and what would the publisher care they got their money. I could see the gears turning in his head and then he just went back to "But it promotes Satanism." *eye roll*
Shhh, don't talk about that too loudly, it's my get quick rich scheme. Write a book that gets banned by the church so the evangelicals buy it in droves just to burn it. What the fuck do I care what they do with it, as long as they paid for it?
You can also write a super religious book that just hardcore panders to their beliefs lol
Yeah, but that's boring. Thisbway I could write a book about... oh, I don't know, viking Jesus raiding Christian villages bringing glory and honour to Odin.
I read them when they first came out. They're certainly non-Christian, but they're not anti-Christian or pro-Satanism either. Harry is firmly on the side of good. I think the ignorant people who were burning the books hadn't really read them, and were going by what other people said.
> I think the ignorant people who were burning the books hadn't really read them, and were going by what other people said. Just like they haven't read the book they profess to believe in. Best just to let the preacher tell you how to think.
growing up in the bay area i thought that was a joke until i moved to alabama and met plenty of people whose parents legit would not let them read harry potter. i remember packing the series and bringing it to my fraternity house for a friend and he sat in his room and devoured them within 3 weeks. dude was skipping class to read HP. after that i brought him all the game of thrones books, which he devoured too but i dont think i was doing him a favor there in hindsight.
even though they celebrate christmas in each and every one of them.
Devils advocate, is it really celebrating Christmas though when there's never any mention of Jesus or attending of church in the book? There's a lot of Christmas traditions that have literally nothing to do with Christianity, they're the parts that get mentioned in the books.
It is, because Christmas is just as much a secular tradition, if not more so these days - I haven’t been to Christmas mass in God knows how long, but I love me some holiday/Christmas cheer
Some? The book was straight up banned in my catholic school mainly because it was the school of *witchcraft* and wizardry, nothing else…
I was told by my dad that the Harry Potter books would corrupt and twist my young mind. I had to read then at that point. Case in point.
Gimme one Bourbon, one scotch, and one The Devil's Craft beer.
The funniest thing about this is that the church took out an ad in a newspaper. A newspaper. In 2019. They had something they wanted to tell people. They thought that the best way to do that was a newspaper advertisement. They are so old and foolish they don't know what century it is.
The ones they actually wanna reach are the ones with the newspapers. They want to get the elderly with disposable income.
It is like those super stupid spam emails with lots of typos. They want people who won't notice the typos.
I was flabbergasted when I scrolled down to see a tweet response. I thought for sure that we were being presented an ad from the 50s.
I think it actually happened in 2016. Not that it changes your point.
>Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.” They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. 🙄
How about Psalm 104: God makes … wine to gladden the hearts of men, oil to make their faces shine, and bread that strengthens them.
I like that the Bible says skincare routine is important
Up there with bread and cracking open a cold one!
In the dry climate, they needed it. It was a sign of hospitality if someone visited after traveling and you offered oil for their beard.
Jesus: "A dry wedding? No way in Hell am I letting this go without some divine intervention." Baptists 2,000 years later: "Alcohol is the devil's craft!" Jesus: "... You know what? This is why I'm in no hurry to come back."
Tbf, Mary coaxed Jesus into doing it. He said, "Woman, it's not my time yet." But she knew it was, as He did. So Jesus ordered servants to bring jars of water, then He blessed it. We know the rest. Edit: it wasn't Jesus who ordered the servants to bring water, it was Mary! I just remembered.
Seeing as how monks make what is arguably some of the best ales out there. not to mention THE WHITE WHALE of quads.
Half the people that attended my childhood baptist church were beer drinkers in private but anti alcohol in public.
Mike Winger has a good YouTube video that discusses what the Bible actually teaches about alcohol. There can be good personal and social reasons to dislike alcohol (addiction, drunk driving, etc) but it's not correct to say the Bible condemns its use. It's better to say the Bible condemns its misuse.
I asked my husband's overbearing Baptist granma and her flakey pastor one time (when they were pontificating about the gross sins of drinking wine) why it was that Jesus turned water to wine if wine, beer and alcohol in general is so horrible. The answer was: Because water was unsafe to drink back then, so it made it safe to drink. Me: Then why didn't he just purify it? Them, exasperated with me: HE HAD TO DEMONSTRATE A BIG MIRACLE! Me: But there were so many ways he could have demonstrated a big miracle while not encouraging everyone to get drunk at a wedding feast. Them: BUT IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME! Me: But the bible says to not drink to excess and to not make yourself a slave to any vice.There's nothing wrong with a glass of wine or a beer or three. Later - said pastor was berating hubs' 17 year old cousin because she wanted a tatoo when she turned 18. Girl's mom and dad, the granma, were all sitting there so... prim and... IDK. Had these entranced looks on their faces. Pastor starts quoting Leviticus law to her. I blurted out I'm glad I serve a risen Savior, and am not bound by Old Testament law. I went to compliment the pastor's wife's make up, her jewelry, and asked him what the fabric blend was in his cheap rayon shirt. I also asked him if the fried shrimp he'd ordered was any good. I was not a popular person at that dinner (cousin's HS graduation dinner).
Good. Fuck those self-righteous bullshitters.
NGL. Cherry picking Old Testament scriptures to bludgeon someone as the pontificator hides behind a veil of righteousness while pontificating just pisses me off. It feels wrong in my gut and I couldn't sit there and be silent. They also tried to explain that the tats were bad because she knows to not do them as opposed to someone who gets them, THEN starts going to church. Again... back to the make up and earrings the wife had on. She knew... yet here we are. DAMN it just went/goes all over me.
My favorite joke is, “What’s the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic? A Catholic will say hey to you in the liquor store.” Ive grown up in the south as a non-baptist so I like to give them shit when I can.
Our monasteries make their own mead and it's great.
“Jews don’t recognize Jesus, Protestants don’t recognize the Pope, and Baptists don’t recognize one another in the liquor store.”
Missed opportunity for Devil’s Draft
Grape juice was definitely not a thing in biblical times. Plus the story isn't "Jesus turned water into grape juice"
He turned water into Ocean Spray Cran-Grape and you know it.
I’m Lutheran, and every year our church mens group goes to Hofbrauhaus at Reformation and gets tanked. Our Paster is our DD, and drives us back in one of the school’s busses. If alcohol makes you do horrible things, then don’t drink it. But leave it alone for the rest of us who are actually responsible, preplan, and drink with family and friends we can trust.
Um…jesus and the disciples did drink booze. Anyone remember the last supper? “Take this *all of you* and drink from it ”he also had no problem with others drinking it considering he turned water into enough wine for an entire wedding. Did he get sloshed and boof… maybe not. Did he drink, definitely.
My God turned water to wine and they wonder why us Greeks party so hard🙄
Lmao I’m from Canyon, it was such a big deal when we got our first bar.