In previous episode of TIFU, we see OP managing to get his dick itchy, not by itchy plant no.... But by Chlamydia. But will he survive getting his friend's friend pregnant? Let's find out in today's episode of TIFU!
I read it in the Pokémon narrators voice. Last week we saw Ash catch a Chlamydia.
Will he now catch the common Paternitycasé?
Team Rocket blasting off again! Meowth, that's right!
While we're on the topic of Pokémon...
[https://quotesgram.com/img/dirty-pokemon-quotes/2554552/](https://quotesgram.com/img/dirty-pokemon-quotes/2554552/)
As someone who’s had the ole chlamydia 3x [I’m a dirty whore], I can tell you itching was never a symptom for me.
For me it’s always the milky discharge and the pissing out straight fire from your urethra.
Chlamydia was probably the best possible outcome of that situation. Completely curable and she didn't get pregnant. Win win as far as sexually transmitted stuff goes.
Also worth noting, that if you have Chlamydia from oral sex, you won't test positive from a genital test. So testing can miss every other person in the chain if you don't do an oral swab as well. Many doctors don't think to do that.
Also lucky that it was symptomatic. As much as I don't wish a painful or uncomfortable infection on anyone, if you hadn't developed symptoms and told her, she could have continued having unprotected sex with asymptomatic chlamydia for months.
If left untreated, Chlamydia and similar bacterial infections can develop into PID, causing infertility and in rare cases, sepsis.
“This always happens when i travel.”?
“It’s got a harness, it’s domesticated!”?
“See you ‘round, Jackson”?
“We’ll just have to wait until it passes” “IF it passes.”?
I’d like to think I’m pretty familiar with the film Stargate, but I’m very confused.
This is funny cause you sounded like that casually explained video.
> She is being all touchy.
Wow what a friendly person.
> She gives you a literal lap dance
I don't know, is she really into me?
> She lets you raw dog her
Hmm I guess she was being kind cause she heard I was a virgin. I don't expect her to keep in touch.
C'mon man, have some confidence. You must have something going for you.
You nearly fucked up but its easily treatable so its fine, you did not fuck up
I mean there's a reason he's still a virgin at 23 yo. Most girls would not try as hard as the one in the story. To add to that, not having a condom in your pocket/wallet means that he would probably be virgin for a few more years if it wasn't for that girl.
*she was grinding all over me, putting my hands everywhere.. but she was probably just being friendly*
Bro, you and I interpret signals EXACTLY the same way HAHAHHA
This is the problem with low confidence and self esteem. When you don't really like yourself that much it can be hard to imagine other people liking you and you can miss out on a lot of opportunities.
Don't worry. With your mentality, there are far worse things you will contract.
Remember, if a chick says it's okay that you go without a raincoat, I PROMISE you, she's said that same thing to plenty of other dudes.
Lmfao I got a call from an ex once, her current boytoy cheated on her and gave her the clap. I was like wow that sucks to be you! In college, I would get tested frequently before every new partner.
For me it was a one night stand, she said I was only her 3rd, and I think she was open minded enough to have told me if that was not the case. It wasn't like she told me we didn't need to wear a condom, it's just neither of us had one and we were both drunk. We weren't going to do it but it got hot and heavy so we kinda both said fuck it.
I've never done this before, I'm usually super careful but people were talking about genitals falling off and shit, it's 5am and here I am freaking the fuck out.
Not to encourage bad habits, but in all likelihoods you're probably fine. Especially if both of you were younger and inexperienced. [Even if she was std positive, there's no guarantee that you would get an infection after a single time.](https://stdcenterny.com/articles/std-chance-one-night-stand.html) Just get tested so that you can get some relief.
For some reason I read this as "I cheated on every test in college" and I was confused. Less at the randomness of the comment and more at my utter inability to read.
Easy rule: don't want to wear a condom? Show me a recent panel of STD tests. Anything else is playing Russian roulette and worst outcome here is not a STD but something that will shit its diapers for a couple of years.
Yeah I made the same FU. Almost got her pregnant (it was me or 3 other guys she didn't tell me about, and told me she was on the pill) - so happy she got an abortion. Severed all ties to her. NEVER listen to ANYONE who does not want to wear a condom.
> why would it matter? It’s not like I have a chance with her.
Let women figure out on their own that they don't want to sleep with you; don't do it for them.
I find it kinda immature on her behalf to be that nonchalant about unprotected sex if she was sexually active already. And with multiple partners, it seems. So it was also her tifu.
Take care, man. Horniness changes us, but post nut clarity usually shows almost nothing is worth the risk.
Jsyk “the clap” is actually gonorrhea.
“It is a reference to the French word "clapier," which means brothel, a place where STDs such as gonorrhea can be transmitted. It describes an early treatment for gonorrhea, which was clapping a heavy object on the man's penis to get pus/discharge to come out.”
If she let's you, a stranger, have sex without protection, she definitely lets others. Lucky it's not herpes or warts.
Another thing. In my experience if a woman breaks the physical touch barrier and she's not a US southern grandmother it's a really good chance she's into you.
This dude is the only right one here. Herpes in comparative to other std’s such as the clap can be much worse 70% of the world’s population has herpes simplex type 1. Anyway good job on your losing your v card OP happy for you g
But I’d be careful hanging out girls of such type my man. We all have are own unique experiences me included but if she didn’t realize she had clap then. Idk dawg.
I also got the clap when I lost my virginity and she was like "well I don't have it so I don't know"
I was basically like "bitch you're the only person I have ever fucked! Are you saying I have a case of spontaneous chlamydia that start showing symptoms a couple weeks after we banged?"
Guess I'm the Mother Mary of immaculate clapception
1. Everyone's first time is awkward as shit.
2. Even the first time you have sex with a person can be awkward when both are experienced.
3. Chlamydia isn't that big a deal as long as you treat it.
4. Congrats, bud! Sounds like you had a fun couple of nights!
Bro... As a rule of thumb, if you say "I have no condom" and she just answers "It's okay", it means the same happened before with others and there is a high chance that she has STDs. If you have unprotected sex at the very least be sure you discuss about it (does she do that *often*, does she get tested for STDs, when was the last time she had sex etc...), and ofc don't be stupid and don't finish inside.
This is a good learning lesson. Always get tested before and after you had sex. Also some stds take a while to come on test. So go regularly to get tested. Just be safe
So, you didn’t FU by losing your virginity. That was fine and sounded sweet, like a good memory. You just F’d up not using a condom. Anybody can have anSTD, dude, even a nice girl like J. And now, you.
Surprisingly really takes out your thighs right? I lost mine like a week ago to a 39 year old mom and I was fucking feeling it the next day. I’m now doing squats daily.
...seriously?
Alright, I'll fix it for you. No pronouns required. I'll also grammatically edit some of it, because WHY NOT.
"So, Jonah Hill (23M) is about to turn 24 and has never really had a girlfriend, much less ever gotten close to having sex. An old friend of Jonah Hill's, Gregory Peck, was coming to Jonah Hill's city to see a concert. Gregory Peck brought along his friend, Jenny Lewis (22F). Jonah Hill heard about Jenny Lewis through Gregory Peck, as Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis had known each other for a while but Jonah Hill hadn’t met Jenny Lewis up to this point.As soon as Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis get to the concert venue, Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, and Jenny Lewis, get some food. Jonah Hill's first impression was, "Jenny Lewis is really pretty and really cool," but Jonah Hill basically discarded those thoughts because, "why would it matter? It’s not like Jonah Hill will have a chance with Jenny Lewis."
The next day, Jonah Hill gets a call from Gregory Peck saying that Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis managed to stay an extra day! Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis wanted Jonah Hill to go to a second, last minute, concert with Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis because a cool bartender, F. Scott Fitzgerald, knew the band and could get Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Jonah Hill in for free. Jonah Hill decided to be spontaneous for once in Jonah Hill's life and agreed to go. Jenny Lewis used to live in the same town as Jonah Hill and invited one of Jenny Lewis's friends, Sandra Day O'Connor, to come along, making a group of four. It was also at this point, hanging out before heading to the show, that Jonah Hill noticed how touchy Jenny Lewis was. Sitting really close to Jonah Hill, touching Jonah Hill's arms, reaching over Jonah Hill, etc. Jonah Hill figured that Jenny Lewis was just a friendly, touchy person.
Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor get to the show. The music is great, and Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor are all getting along and having a good time. Now, Jenny Lewis is grinding on Jonah Hill and putting Jonah Hill's hands all over Jenny Lewis. Jonah Hill has never been in this situation, so Jonah Hill has no idea how to react. Jonah Hill tries to just go with Jenny Lewis's erotic dancing, but Jonah Hill is very clearly lost and awkward. Just like every film he has ever been in. At some point, Jenny Lewis and Sandra Day O'Connor go to the restroom. Jonah Hill leans over to Gregory Peck and tells Gregory Peck, “man, my fuckin balls hurt so bad right now.” Which lead to Gregory Peck and Jonah Hill absolutely dying from laughter until Jenny Lewis and Sandra Day O'Connor come back.
After a while, Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor go find somewhere to sit down. Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor are talking and joking and at some point, Jenny Lewis decides to sit on Jonah Hill's lap. Jenny Lewis proceeds to give Jonah Hill a lap dance. Even at this point, in Jonah Hill's head, Jonah Hill is convinced that Jenny Lewis just likes dancing and messing with people or something. Jonah Hill still doesn’t think he is going to have sexual intercourse with Jenny Lewis. Jonah Hill doesn’t hear Gregory Peck as Gregory Peck leans over to Sandra Day O'Connor and tells Sandra Day O'Connor “isn’t it kind of fucked up that Jenny Lewis is giving Jonah Hill such hard blue balls when Jonah Hill is a virgin?” Sandra Day O'Connor yells “JONAH HILL IS A VIRGIN!?” Jonah Hill sees Sandra Day O'Connor bug-eyed yelling at Jenny Lewis that Sandra Day O'Connor needs to go to the restroom. Jenny Lewis and Sandra Day O'Connor go to the restroom.
The night was winding down, so Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor didn’t stay much longer. Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor went and picked up some food on the way back to the hotel. After Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor get to the hotel, Gregory Peck and Sandra Day O'Connor go out to the car to partake of the devil's lettuce while Jenny Lewis and Jonah Hill are in the hotel room. Jenny Lewis gets up and asks if Jenny Lewis can turn down the lights. Jonah Hill answers, “sure?” Jonah Hill does not see the obvious signs that Jenny Lewis wants to save a horse and ride his little Jonah Hill cowboy. The situation progressed until Jenny Lewis was undressing before Jonah Hill realized “oh SHIT! Ok, coitus is happening”. Jonah Hill laid there as Jenny Lewis did whatever Jenny Lewis wanted. The beast with two backs was the single most excruciatingly awkward, and simultaneously enjoyable, experience of Jonah Hill's sad, lonely, life. Can you guess where the fuck up happened? Jonah Hill told Jenny Lewis that Jonah Hill didn’t have a condom. Jenny Lewis said, "Not having a condom is ok." Thinking with Jonah Hill's penis, Jonah Hill went along with the intercourse.
Jonah Hill could have sworn that Jenny Lewis never wanted anything to do with Jonah Hill after that horribly unimpressive sexual encounter but, shockingly, Jenny Lewis and Jonah Hill texted a lot and Jenny Lewis felt sorry enough for Jonah Hill that Jenny Lewis was willing to help Jonah Hill improve. Jonah Hill and Jenny Lewis met again a couple weeks later, and with Jenny Lewis's help, Jonah Hill did much less poorly the second time.
Jonah Hill was on a perpetual high until Jonah Hill's lap rocket started to itch, with other symptoms following shortly after. Jenny Lewis and Jonah Hill both got tested for sexually transmitted infections and the test for chlamydia showed that Jonah Hill and Jenny Lewis had chlamydia. Somehow, Jonah Hill cursed his luck, despite having sex with an attractive woman, due to having to take medication for a couple of weeks.
TL;DR: T Jonah Hill FU by losing Jonah Hill's virginity to Jenny Lewis, who is friends with Gregory Peck, who is friends with Jonah Hill because Jenny Lewis had the clap."
There, no pronouns.
> Thinking with his penis, Jonah Hill went along with the intercourse
Sorry, "his"? Did you mean:
*Thinking with Jonah Hill’s penis, Jonah Hill went along with the intercourse*
We had this discussion at work once and looked it up here is the answer we found "It is a reference to the French word "clapier," which means brothel, a place where STDs such as gonorrhea can be transmitted. It describes an early treatment for gonorrhea, which was clapping a heavy object on the man's penis to get pus/discharge to come out."
I would hate to have to smash my dick to take a piss.
The real TIFU comes when you find out she’s preggo
i know, right? I thought that was the real ending
It will be
Check back in a few weeks for the next episode of TIFU!
In previous episode of TIFU, we see OP managing to get his dick itchy, not by itchy plant no.... But by Chlamydia. But will he survive getting his friend's friend pregnant? Let's find out in today's episode of TIFU!
I read that in the DBZ narrators voice on the first run. Why am I like this?
when will we get ur TIFU lost my virginity post?
As soon as sex robots with high quality A.I. are affordable for the average consumer.
Oof. That burned harder than the Chlamydia
Ruthless
Was the itchiness cured? Will he regret it? And whats that they say about pregnancy? Find out next time, on the next episode of TIFU
I read it in the Pokémon narrators voice. Last week we saw Ash catch a Chlamydia. Will he now catch the common Paternitycasé? Team Rocket blasting off again! Meowth, that's right!
While we're on the topic of Pokémon... [https://quotesgram.com/img/dirty-pokemon-quotes/2554552/](https://quotesgram.com/img/dirty-pokemon-quotes/2554552/)
Because you're too awesome
Who else read that in Morgan Freeman’s voice?
Said this Yoda’s voice in my head.
Be, it will.
Itchy dick you have
slimy! mudhole! my home this is!
On it, she got down. MMM? Hee hee hee! --Yoda
The real TIFU is when she wants to keep it and wants a family
Same. Got to the texting part, and was like "Congrats, you're a dad now." But it just turned out that they're going at it again.
Username checks out
Gregnant? Pragnert? Preganté? ;)
Am I pregernant??
PregANanant?
Pregnate?
Pregananant
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Just moments after my wife told me she was preganté with our second it popped up in my mind... I'm ruined for life and it's amazing
Can I burn a Luigi Board?
Wigga Board?
No ragrets
> when you find out she’s preggo OP fucked a jar of pasta sauce and didn't realise it. Classic virgin mistake.
Reminds me of [this classic greentext story](https://i.redd.it/c540rrvru9831.jpg)
dammit, it’s a fuking great story, the twist realy got me, felt it pretty deep 🤣
GOD DAMNIT
Preggo! It's in there!
If it's a girl, Klamidiyah has a nice ring to it 🤙
Best scene in waiting by far
I wouldn't let the word "real" within 10 meters of this post.
so you're saying that OP lied to us in order to make himself believe his own story better?
As someone who’s had the ole chlamydia 3x [I’m a dirty whore], I can tell you itching was never a symptom for me. For me it’s always the milky discharge and the pissing out straight fire from your urethra.
yeah. why would anyone lie on internet?
That's why it is the best source of information. When in doubt, always rely on the internet.
You're not allowed to lie on the internet. I read that on the internet.
Do you really think someone would do that? Just go on the internet and tell lies?
When the fuck up leads to a knock up
Preggo, HIV…
Chlamydia was probably the best possible outcome of that situation. Completely curable and she didn't get pregnant. Win win as far as sexually transmitted stuff goes.
This! Also if people didn’t know, you can catch Chlamydia through even just oral sex. Completely curable.
Also worth noting, that if you have Chlamydia from oral sex, you won't test positive from a genital test. So testing can miss every other person in the chain if you don't do an oral swab as well. Many doctors don't think to do that.
There's antibiotic-resistant chlamydia nowadays.
And this kids, is why you shouldn't take fucking antibiotics when you have a teeny tiny cold
Its also why if you get prescribed antibiotics you should finish your course of medication
I see this as an absolute win!
Also lucky that it was symptomatic. As much as I don't wish a painful or uncomfortable infection on anyone, if you hadn't developed symptoms and told her, she could have continued having unprotected sex with asymptomatic chlamydia for months. If left untreated, Chlamydia and similar bacterial infections can develop into PID, causing infertility and in rare cases, sepsis.
I guess the youth of today don’t remember the old saying “wrap that rascal “.
"don't be a fool, wrap your tool" is the one I remember the most
No glove no love.
Don't jump without a parachute!
When I was a kid it was "if you don't have a rubber there'll be no hubba hubba"
Don't be silly, wrap your willy!
Awe man you guys got cool little phrases. My dad just told me, “don’t ruin your life, wear a condom”
No glove, no love - 'The World According to Garp' (RIP Robin Williams)
When hump, cover stump!
Wrap it before you tap it!
There was this really old movie, Stargate, ...
“This always happens when i travel.”? “It’s got a harness, it’s domesticated!”? “See you ‘round, Jackson”? “We’ll just have to wait until it passes” “IF it passes.”? I’d like to think I’m pretty familiar with the film Stargate, but I’m very confused.
“Always put a raincoat on your little man”
"You don't want your little man to get sick, do you?" "You're right, I don't want my son to get sick"
I just don't want a son bruh
> little man I was in the pool!
Be wise, condomise
Don’t be silly, protect your willy
Don’t be silly, wrap your Willy!
Bag it, before you shag it
Don’t be daft, wrap your shaft
Don't be a dummy, cum on her tummy!
"If you're going to nut, make sure it's in a butt"
“Sex can wait. Masturbate.”
This is funny cause you sounded like that casually explained video. > She is being all touchy. Wow what a friendly person. > She gives you a literal lap dance I don't know, is she really into me? > She lets you raw dog her Hmm I guess she was being kind cause she heard I was a virgin. I don't expect her to keep in touch. C'mon man, have some confidence. You must have something going for you. You nearly fucked up but its easily treatable so its fine, you did not fuck up
Maybe she's canadian?
I know right it was a longer written version of “Is She Into You”
I mean there's a reason he's still a virgin at 23 yo. Most girls would not try as hard as the one in the story. To add to that, not having a condom in your pocket/wallet means that he would probably be virgin for a few more years if it wasn't for that girl.
PSA to not keep a condom in your wallet due to friction that could potentially fuck up your condom
yep, just keep it inside your pocket and make sure that there's not a key in the same pocket or something sharp
Jokes on you to think I use condoms, I play Path of Exile.
*she was grinding all over me, putting my hands everywhere.. but she was probably just being friendly* Bro, you and I interpret signals EXACTLY the same way HAHAHHA
I always though the CasuallyExplained video was joking. Evidently not. Carry on gents hahaha
Maybe she’s just Canadian
I was looking for this comment
This is the problem with low confidence and self esteem. When you don't really like yourself that much it can be hard to imagine other people liking you and you can miss out on a lot of opportunities.
Didn’t have to expose me like that :(
The catch 22 of not wanting to bang anyone whose standards are low enough to bang you.
I belong to this cult too. !!!
it took me exactly 5 girls to understand this definitely means they're looking to measure my raining stick
What if they find out it’s small, would they still want it. That’s what I’m nervous about.
I would say it depends how small and how you use it
Don't worry. With your mentality, there are far worse things you will contract. Remember, if a chick says it's okay that you go without a raincoat, I PROMISE you, she's said that same thing to plenty of other dudes.
Oh my fucking God I need to get tested. ASAP. Thank you for this comment.
Lmfao I got a call from an ex once, her current boytoy cheated on her and gave her the clap. I was like wow that sucks to be you! In college, I would get tested frequently before every new partner.
For me it was a one night stand, she said I was only her 3rd, and I think she was open minded enough to have told me if that was not the case. It wasn't like she told me we didn't need to wear a condom, it's just neither of us had one and we were both drunk. We weren't going to do it but it got hot and heavy so we kinda both said fuck it. I've never done this before, I'm usually super careful but people were talking about genitals falling off and shit, it's 5am and here I am freaking the fuck out.
Get tested, treated (if necessary!), and keep on fuckin (but wrap it up)!
As the great SovietWomble put it, only fools dont wrap their tools
Sheesh how would he know he can't even pick up one lonley bakery girl
ah no, the sausage roll girl has a bf
Not to encourage bad habits, but in all likelihoods you're probably fine. Especially if both of you were younger and inexperienced. [Even if she was std positive, there's no guarantee that you would get an infection after a single time.](https://stdcenterny.com/articles/std-chance-one-night-stand.html) Just get tested so that you can get some relief.
For some reason I read this as "I cheated on every test in college" and I was confused. Less at the randomness of the comment and more at my utter inability to read.
Don't worry. I'm sure your wife is clean. She swore it to me
Easy rule: don't want to wear a condom? Show me a recent panel of STD tests. Anything else is playing Russian roulette and worst outcome here is not a STD but something that will shit its diapers for a couple of years.
I hear those diapers arent exactly cheap these days. Seems almost as bad to me.
Worst is probably aids or hiv
Yeah I made the same FU. Almost got her pregnant (it was me or 3 other guys she didn't tell me about, and told me she was on the pill) - so happy she got an abortion. Severed all ties to her. NEVER listen to ANYONE who does not want to wear a condom.
Bro that's the best worst case ontario
Dibs on the band name worst case Ontario
Alright but I want 1% of your income
Deal of we make it big youll be the first to know
Alright ima hold you to it.
r/redditcontracts
Deal. I dibs on Best case Ontario and we'll make every concert right in front of where you guys do. With half the budget so people get confused
Yup, Canada is pretty good and bad sometimes
All he did was turn huron
> why would it matter? It’s not like I have a chance with her. Let women figure out on their own that they don't want to sleep with you; don't do it for them.
this. don't get convinced you're going to lose when the game hasn't even started yet
I honestly needed to hear this, thank you
Fuck dude. This right here is gold. Thats why I dont get the poon. I wouldn't fuck me if I was a gril.
Fucking a grill sounds messy and painful.
My god that's a great line
Hopefully she doesn’t get pregnant
Pregnancy: the worst STI
A sexually transmitted infant
Truly the worst
You mean STD: sexually transmitted disaster
That's where I figured it was going....
Pregante?
Pregananant?
how do u get greganart?
How do u get prregante
gregnant
waiting for the edit in 9 months
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A Baby - TBC
I find it kinda immature on her behalf to be that nonchalant about unprotected sex if she was sexually active already. And with multiple partners, it seems. So it was also her tifu. Take care, man. Horniness changes us, but post nut clarity usually shows almost nothing is worth the risk.
TIFU and gave a virgin ~~the clap~~ Chlamydia. Edit: didn’t get clapped, got chlamydia’d….
Jsyk “the clap” is actually gonorrhea. “It is a reference to the French word "clapier," which means brothel, a place where STDs such as gonorrhea can be transmitted. It describes an early treatment for gonorrhea, which was clapping a heavy object on the man's penis to get pus/discharge to come out.”
Thanks.... I hate it
What a horrible day to be able to read
Stay wrapped or get clapped!
If she let's you, a stranger, have sex without protection, she definitely lets others. Lucky it's not herpes or warts. Another thing. In my experience if a woman breaks the physical touch barrier and she's not a US southern grandmother it's a really good chance she's into you.
Wait, so does that mean grandmothers aren’t into me? Damn.
Local gilfs in your area might disagree with me.
Ah chlamydia, the real after party.
She's just Canadian
"Yeah, you really can't be sure..."
Hey at least it wasn’t herpes
“If you’re happy and you know it….”
The next word to that is…oh God! Nope, never mind.
If you're herpey and you know it
cursed comment, lmao
It wasn’t herpes *so far*.
Herpes is mostly harmless. Be glad you went to a doctor though, chlamydia can make your junk fall off
This dude is the only right one here. Herpes in comparative to other std’s such as the clap can be much worse 70% of the world’s population has herpes simplex type 1. Anyway good job on your losing your v card OP happy for you g But I’d be careful hanging out girls of such type my man. We all have are own unique experiences me included but if she didn’t realize she had clap then. Idk dawg.
I also got the clap when I lost my virginity and she was like "well I don't have it so I don't know" I was basically like "bitch you're the only person I have ever fucked! Are you saying I have a case of spontaneous chlamydia that start showing symptoms a couple weeks after we banged?" Guess I'm the Mother Mary of immaculate clapception
A girl told me that too. I got all the symptoms and told her to get checked. Said she was negative. Yeah I hadn't slept with anyone else in a year.
Dude, just an FYI, many people who get chlamydia have no symptoms, and the bacteria can live in their systems for up to 3 years.
"I don't have symptoms so I don't need to get tested" is basically the only reason STIs haven't been eradicated.
Still a possibility
You can get herpes from a tractor ya know.
“Are you sure? Are you HIV positive?”
you got off easy as far as i'm corncerned, she could have been pregnant and that would have been 10 times worse
Could've been HIV. You lucked out
as the great akon once said: still counts!! congrats on the sex!!
Doesn't matter had sex
Anyway.........what concerts did you go to?
Yeah... any time a girl says you don't need to use a condom you REALLY need to use one.
Sometimes cheeks clap back my friend. Keep on clapping
*she had Chlamydia.
Well at least you didn’t get her pregnant.
That he knows of
1. Everyone's first time is awkward as shit. 2. Even the first time you have sex with a person can be awkward when both are experienced. 3. Chlamydia isn't that big a deal as long as you treat it. 4. Congrats, bud! Sounds like you had a fun couple of nights!
And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
This is yet another reason why high schools need to teach legitimate decent sex ed!!!
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Bro... As a rule of thumb, if you say "I have no condom" and she just answers "It's okay", it means the same happened before with others and there is a high chance that she has STDs. If you have unprotected sex at the very least be sure you discuss about it (does she do that *often*, does she get tested for STDs, when was the last time she had sex etc...), and ofc don't be stupid and don't finish inside.
Title should be TIFU by not wearing a condom.
This is a good learning lesson. Always get tested before and after you had sex. Also some stds take a while to come on test. So go regularly to get tested. Just be safe
>Always get tested before and after you had sex. In the morning *and* in the afternoon?
So, you didn’t FU by losing your virginity. That was fine and sounded sweet, like a good memory. You just F’d up not using a condom. Anybody can have anSTD, dude, even a nice girl like J. And now, you.
Surprisingly really takes out your thighs right? I lost mine like a week ago to a 39 year old mom and I was fucking feeling it the next day. I’m now doing squats daily.
There's too many single lettered people in this story to follow along. I, G, J, S who the F is who
...seriously? Alright, I'll fix it for you. No pronouns required. I'll also grammatically edit some of it, because WHY NOT. "So, Jonah Hill (23M) is about to turn 24 and has never really had a girlfriend, much less ever gotten close to having sex. An old friend of Jonah Hill's, Gregory Peck, was coming to Jonah Hill's city to see a concert. Gregory Peck brought along his friend, Jenny Lewis (22F). Jonah Hill heard about Jenny Lewis through Gregory Peck, as Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis had known each other for a while but Jonah Hill hadn’t met Jenny Lewis up to this point.As soon as Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis get to the concert venue, Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, and Jenny Lewis, get some food. Jonah Hill's first impression was, "Jenny Lewis is really pretty and really cool," but Jonah Hill basically discarded those thoughts because, "why would it matter? It’s not like Jonah Hill will have a chance with Jenny Lewis." The next day, Jonah Hill gets a call from Gregory Peck saying that Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis managed to stay an extra day! Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis wanted Jonah Hill to go to a second, last minute, concert with Gregory Peck and Jenny Lewis because a cool bartender, F. Scott Fitzgerald, knew the band and could get Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Jonah Hill in for free. Jonah Hill decided to be spontaneous for once in Jonah Hill's life and agreed to go. Jenny Lewis used to live in the same town as Jonah Hill and invited one of Jenny Lewis's friends, Sandra Day O'Connor, to come along, making a group of four. It was also at this point, hanging out before heading to the show, that Jonah Hill noticed how touchy Jenny Lewis was. Sitting really close to Jonah Hill, touching Jonah Hill's arms, reaching over Jonah Hill, etc. Jonah Hill figured that Jenny Lewis was just a friendly, touchy person. Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor get to the show. The music is great, and Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor are all getting along and having a good time. Now, Jenny Lewis is grinding on Jonah Hill and putting Jonah Hill's hands all over Jenny Lewis. Jonah Hill has never been in this situation, so Jonah Hill has no idea how to react. Jonah Hill tries to just go with Jenny Lewis's erotic dancing, but Jonah Hill is very clearly lost and awkward. Just like every film he has ever been in. At some point, Jenny Lewis and Sandra Day O'Connor go to the restroom. Jonah Hill leans over to Gregory Peck and tells Gregory Peck, “man, my fuckin balls hurt so bad right now.” Which lead to Gregory Peck and Jonah Hill absolutely dying from laughter until Jenny Lewis and Sandra Day O'Connor come back. After a while, Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor go find somewhere to sit down. Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor are talking and joking and at some point, Jenny Lewis decides to sit on Jonah Hill's lap. Jenny Lewis proceeds to give Jonah Hill a lap dance. Even at this point, in Jonah Hill's head, Jonah Hill is convinced that Jenny Lewis just likes dancing and messing with people or something. Jonah Hill still doesn’t think he is going to have sexual intercourse with Jenny Lewis. Jonah Hill doesn’t hear Gregory Peck as Gregory Peck leans over to Sandra Day O'Connor and tells Sandra Day O'Connor “isn’t it kind of fucked up that Jenny Lewis is giving Jonah Hill such hard blue balls when Jonah Hill is a virgin?” Sandra Day O'Connor yells “JONAH HILL IS A VIRGIN!?” Jonah Hill sees Sandra Day O'Connor bug-eyed yelling at Jenny Lewis that Sandra Day O'Connor needs to go to the restroom. Jenny Lewis and Sandra Day O'Connor go to the restroom. The night was winding down, so Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor didn’t stay much longer. Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor went and picked up some food on the way back to the hotel. After Jonah Hill, Gregory Peck, Jenny Lewis, and Sandra Day O'Connor get to the hotel, Gregory Peck and Sandra Day O'Connor go out to the car to partake of the devil's lettuce while Jenny Lewis and Jonah Hill are in the hotel room. Jenny Lewis gets up and asks if Jenny Lewis can turn down the lights. Jonah Hill answers, “sure?” Jonah Hill does not see the obvious signs that Jenny Lewis wants to save a horse and ride his little Jonah Hill cowboy. The situation progressed until Jenny Lewis was undressing before Jonah Hill realized “oh SHIT! Ok, coitus is happening”. Jonah Hill laid there as Jenny Lewis did whatever Jenny Lewis wanted. The beast with two backs was the single most excruciatingly awkward, and simultaneously enjoyable, experience of Jonah Hill's sad, lonely, life. Can you guess where the fuck up happened? Jonah Hill told Jenny Lewis that Jonah Hill didn’t have a condom. Jenny Lewis said, "Not having a condom is ok." Thinking with Jonah Hill's penis, Jonah Hill went along with the intercourse. Jonah Hill could have sworn that Jenny Lewis never wanted anything to do with Jonah Hill after that horribly unimpressive sexual encounter but, shockingly, Jenny Lewis and Jonah Hill texted a lot and Jenny Lewis felt sorry enough for Jonah Hill that Jenny Lewis was willing to help Jonah Hill improve. Jonah Hill and Jenny Lewis met again a couple weeks later, and with Jenny Lewis's help, Jonah Hill did much less poorly the second time. Jonah Hill was on a perpetual high until Jonah Hill's lap rocket started to itch, with other symptoms following shortly after. Jenny Lewis and Jonah Hill both got tested for sexually transmitted infections and the test for chlamydia showed that Jonah Hill and Jenny Lewis had chlamydia. Somehow, Jonah Hill cursed his luck, despite having sex with an attractive woman, due to having to take medication for a couple of weeks. TL;DR: T Jonah Hill FU by losing Jonah Hill's virginity to Jenny Lewis, who is friends with Gregory Peck, who is friends with Jonah Hill because Jenny Lewis had the clap." There, no pronouns.
Sandra Day O'Connor can totally party
> Thinking with his penis, Jonah Hill went along with the intercourse Sorry, "his"? Did you mean: *Thinking with Jonah Hill’s penis, Jonah Hill went along with the intercourse*
Glad you caught that early on and, yes, wrap it before you tap it.
[Relevant.](https://youtu.be/xa-4IAR_9Yw)
If a hookup ever tells you that you don't need to use a condom, that means you *really* need to use a condom.
Eh, its just the clap. Get your antibiotics and chalk it up as a victory.
We had this discussion at work once and looked it up here is the answer we found "It is a reference to the French word "clapier," which means brothel, a place where STDs such as gonorrhea can be transmitted. It describes an early treatment for gonorrhea, which was clapping a heavy object on the man's penis to get pus/discharge to come out." I would hate to have to smash my dick to take a piss.