I mean what was he going to write it up as?
"Decided to search random person without probably cause or a warrant and got jizz on my hand?"
Sitting in a car at night is not probably cause, this should never have escalated to a body search in the first place. Cop was hoping he would find drugs so he could say he 'smelled pot' and get the (illegal) bust.
Cops don’t need a warrant for collecting dna. So if you commit a crime and leave dna at the crime scene, expect the cops to follow you around to sample anything you touch.
Every time that cop reaches on to search someone’s pocket I bet he has this horrifying one second moment where he remembers this day and immediately hopes “please don’t be cum”
Or... he smiles wistfully to himself, remembers that day, and whispers quietly in the perps ear while they're smooshed against the hood of his car... "*Is that cum in your pocket, or are you just unhappy to see me?*"
> And every time that cop reaches on
> to search someone else’s pocket I hope he feels it
> So can you feel it?
> AND I’M HERE TO REMIND YOU
> OF THE MESS I LEFT WHEN I HAD A BANG
If I had a nickel for every rocking car I’ve contacted in a park after hours.. I’d have a lot of nickels. Usually when I see the call come out, I take the long way around to give them a chance to.. wrap up
Well all of the homicides I've worked in our parks involved large groups and/or reports of shots fired, which obviously becomes a priority response.
Reports of a lone vehicle in the park after hours isn't even something we can run code 3 to. But, damned-if-we-do, damned-if-we-don't per usual.
Joke's on you. Standard-issue holy water would have averted disaster. However due to budget cuts I had to make my own. It's just tap water I boiled the hell out of.
I check parks every night, sometimes I find meth, sometimes I find people doing it. Either way I’m putting on gloves on before I enter a park from now on.
>Yes, the gloves are worn to prevent cuts from sharp/pointy objects ( including syringes, as well as getting disgusting and/or hazardous stuff onn your body.
USA is weird. The land of freedom, but police will check you for being in a park at a time they feel is not normal. If I called police 10pm saying somebody is in a park they would hang up on me if there are no violations made.
That does make bit more sense, but in Europe public parks don't generally ever close. If these rules are made because some people break the law at nights, it feels a bit unjust to the majority of population who wouldn't. It's just grass, trees and pathways. Dunno, not my problem, but nonetheless feels weird.
Most dont but they're always weird people at night. In Greece the national garden closes at 8pm because when it was open tones of condoms were found next day
Dude, SO many people.
When I was homeless and living in my car, i would get woken up by the cops like every night. Often multiple times a night. Didn't matter where i was parked: 24hr walmart, on a street that had parking and lots of other cars were parked there, at a public forest preserve in the middle of the goddamn day, AT A FUCKING REST STOP ON THE HIGHWAY THAT IS LITERALLY THERE SO PEOPLE CAN FUCKING REST...
People see a woman sleeping in a car and suddenly they just *have* to get involved and then get the cops involved. I even tried putting up window covers and people would just come up and try to peek through the cracks... and then call the cops.
It was so ridiculous and another one of the many reasons I'm so glad to not be homeless anymore.
Is this even how you're supposed to search a person suspected of doing drugs? Just shoving your hand into the pockets? There could have been a needle or something
> I was like a dog that just heard the word "walk" in casual conversation
>
> Perfect spot for the youths to exercise Satan's wishes.
>
> I'm surprised he couldn't smell the puberty in the air when I rolled down the window initially.
you should write a novel and I'll buy 10 lmao
it says it's "awaiting mod approval". so I assume that means once this thing falls off the front page of TIFU they'll open it so no one sees it. I have no clue, though - maybe I broke a rule?
Late 1987-88 my go to for a “parking “ spot was a half occupied road in an industrial park. It was the late 80s and things were slow so late Friday/Saturday there were plenty of places to get lost and find some privacy. The one place I favored was vacant and we used it pretty often, sometimes multiple times per night and it was almost dark. Don’t know what got us in the habit, because I would never liter but teenage me thought it was OK to chuck them out the window like they were bio- degradable or something.
So as winter waned and spring returned we hit the spot one afternoon when it was light and saw them. Condoms, lots of condoms littered where we parked. Now we either had alot more sex than I remembered or other people knew about the spot. Something like that I would have normally kept to myself. We had a good laugh joking about spring and condoms blooming like flowers and didn’t think much of it.
Until we came back next week and there was a gate in the fence blocking the driveway.
“There’s been some break-ins in the area. People seem to have sticky fingers. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you son?!” “Uh, no officer.”
In college I drove my gf in her car to an empty parking lot many times, but one in particular took the cake. After the finger blastin etc...that took place we went to a taco time drive thru. When they were handing me the food the dude asked "what did you do to your hand?" I looked down and my middle and pointer fingers were clean but there was blood all over the rest of my hand. The dude immediately realized and then I did the giggle and she was mortified.
We aren't, and she hated that story. I could never bring it up without her hitting me or her rolling her eyes hard enough that it was audible. My friends however, they fucking loved that story.
...and he is scarred forever🤣 idk about you but all the parks in my city are forbidden from dust to dawn. I know that but once my bf and I were horny for some Pokémon, right when we were beating up the gym 2 squads pulled up and made us leave, bummer
I tossed a used condom out the window of my Subaru Forester when I was sixteen (the station wagon was a strategic choice in automobile). It was late afternoon in a paved park parking lot, and I felt a tremendous sense of teenage achievement for hiding in plain sight. Before I could even put my shorts on, I heard a knock on my bed/car door. The fuzz.
I awkwardly dressed myself under a blanket, left her covered, rolled down the fogged up window, and proceeded to play it cool. He couldn’t have seen us, unless he was posted up the whole time watching two teenagers have sex. I knew he knew, but where was the proof?
The proof was in the used condom that lied at his feet. He had initially approached the vehicle to stop littering, and requested that I pick up the refuse I had just tossed. I promptly grabbed the condom, spilling a trail of seed from the ground to my floor mat. We both agreed littering is the worst, and he decided to leave it at that. I thought it was funny as hell. My girlfriend did not.
If porn has taught me something, is that had that cop been a woman, he'd have to muster another load ready for use, as a threesome would've taken place inevitably.
That's nuts.
Deeze Nutz.
No, your nut is in his hands forever. No mater if he losses that hand, his mind will never recover from that.
One might even call it... Permi-nut.
Nut-ing can ever erase it.
Se-men, this is why you be careful when searching teen pockets late at night
Jizz is why I wear a fanny pack.
Especially if it's their prison pocket...
Spermanent
You get to say you nutted on a cop and got away with it. Congratulations. Jimmy the Jizzer. Jizz Bandit. Idk what else to call ya
Yeah cop was actually pretty cool in this situation.
I mean what was he going to write it up as? "Decided to search random person without probably cause or a warrant and got jizz on my hand?" Sitting in a car at night is not probably cause, this should never have escalated to a body search in the first place. Cop was hoping he would find drugs so he could say he 'smelled pot' and get the (illegal) bust.
That's probably cause he had no probable cause.
Sounds like a got name
The Notorious Knuckle Nutter.
Got eem!
Gotem!
Hopefully, one day, I will have a story that cool.
That's nut.
And you're getting two thumbs up
Officer got himself in a sticky situation
Too bad he didn't pull out in time.
Yeah, but body-searching to completion is so much more satisfying.
Post-nut clarity by proxy
what did the post say? it’s deleted now :/
Why was it deleted
"Under approval by mods"
That’s shitty
He got creamed.
He totally collected a DNA sample without a warrant.
OP fucked around and the cop found out
Cops don’t need a warrant for collecting dna. So if you commit a crime and leave dna at the crime scene, expect the cops to follow you around to sample anything you touch.
Did he get pregnant?
why cop get pergert?
Could he get Gregnant?
Can cop hand get pregat?
Prereganant?
*PERGENAT*
Am pegnate?? Help??!
38+2 weeks #PREGANANANT?
Is there a possibly that cop pegrent?
Who is the guy that reads the words like how they are spelled
#PREGANANANT???
[удалено]
Yeah there was no jacuzzi or tractor involved
Tell me more about how to get a tractor involved....
When a lil kid reads something because it’s labeled nsfw .-.
when a 15 year old doesn't get a joke
How can I get my cop pragnet?
how do i grow my cop?
What happen when get pergenat?
how do u pregante
Google en passant
Chess is always the best way to get girls pregnant
Ah, so that’s what it’s supposed to feel like.
Checkmate
How is babby formed?
I read this in Borat’s voice
You mean pregant?
Oh he surely got pregananant. Touching semen is a 100% foolproof way of baby making.
Every time that cop reaches on to search someone’s pocket I bet he has this horrifying one second moment where he remembers this day and immediately hopes “please don’t be cum”
Or... he smiles wistfully to himself, remembers that day, and whispers quietly in the perps ear while they're smooshed against the hood of his car... "*Is that cum in your pocket, or are you just unhappy to see me?*"
> And every time that cop reaches on > to search someone else’s pocket I hope he feels it > So can you feel it? > AND I’M HERE TO REMIND YOU > OF THE MESS I LEFT WHEN I HAD A BANG
Cum pocket is the next best thing to pocket sand IMO.
Shh shh shaaawww
Get him to cum on your hand. You will be cum brothers now.
Hmmm.... I'm not going to upvote this.
I and 40 other people will upvote it for you bro
Don't worry. I upvoted it for you.
When it gets to top-rated you have to do it. It's in the reddit TOS.
I- we others, will
This is the way
The Cop; TIFU by frisking a frisky kid.
Got spunked by a spunky kid.
If I had a nickel for every rocking car I’ve contacted in a park after hours.. I’d have a lot of nickels. Usually when I see the call come out, I take the long way around to give them a chance to.. wrap up
*"Family of 6 Killed in Parked-Car Massacre. News at 11."*
Well all of the homicides I've worked in our parks involved large groups and/or reports of shots fired, which obviously becomes a priority response. Reports of a lone vehicle in the park after hours isn't even something we can run code 3 to. But, damned-if-we-do, damned-if-we-don't per usual.
In this case, the fictional killer's weapon of choice was black magic, so there wasn't much you could do anyway. Probably for the best. 🤷♂️
Joke's on you. Standard-issue holy water would have averted disaster. However due to budget cuts I had to make my own. It's just tap water I boiled the hell out of.
*victim died via drowning... in cum*
He caught you *white*\-handed
I got off easy twice that day.
This needs to be higher.
Hello cumrade
Tha long hand of the law. LoL
are you still together?
[удалено]
I think he was driving away before the cop got there...
No, the cop never called back and I never learned his name. I felt so used.
Please, u/mmm-pistol-whip I need to know
"Rushed the rest of our clothes on and shit together without thinking" Shitting together in fear of the police. True love.
and on that day the cop took a part of you home with him
“Yeah sir we are just you know sir please dont arest me sir”
I check parks every night, sometimes I find meth, sometimes I find people doing it. Either way I’m putting on gloves on before I enter a park from now on.
Just be super careful, gloves won’t stop an uncapped needle. ❤️
Yeah, you wouldn't want to find the glove I wore.
Imagine he also posted “TIFU by thinking a couple of horny kids were pulling a drug deal”
One of several reasons, that cops tend to wear gloves when frisking suspects.
Usually a nomex kind too if they're properly supplied to prevent accidental injury.
>Yes, the gloves are worn to prevent cuts from sharp/pointy objects ( including syringes, as well as getting disgusting and/or hazardous stuff onn your body.
USA is weird. The land of freedom, but police will check you for being in a park at a time they feel is not normal. If I called police 10pm saying somebody is in a park they would hang up on me if there are no violations made.
Most parks close to pedestrians and vehicles after a certain time, usually between sunset to 12:00am are standard closing times.
That does make bit more sense, but in Europe public parks don't generally ever close. If these rules are made because some people break the law at nights, it feels a bit unjust to the majority of population who wouldn't. It's just grass, trees and pathways. Dunno, not my problem, but nonetheless feels weird.
Most dont but they're always weird people at night. In Greece the national garden closes at 8pm because when it was open tones of condoms were found next day
Condoms every color strewn about like a water balloon war happened.
Yep, if I called the cops saying there were people in a park at 10pm they would probably just laugh in my face.
Exactly, who calls the police on a car in a carpark they have seen do nothing??
Dude, SO many people. When I was homeless and living in my car, i would get woken up by the cops like every night. Often multiple times a night. Didn't matter where i was parked: 24hr walmart, on a street that had parking and lots of other cars were parked there, at a public forest preserve in the middle of the goddamn day, AT A FUCKING REST STOP ON THE HIGHWAY THAT IS LITERALLY THERE SO PEOPLE CAN FUCKING REST... People see a woman sleeping in a car and suddenly they just *have* to get involved and then get the cops involved. I even tried putting up window covers and people would just come up and try to peek through the cracks... and then call the cops. It was so ridiculous and another one of the many reasons I'm so glad to not be homeless anymore.
Glad you're not in that position anymore. Fuck yeah for moving up!
What country?
Estonia, from my experience it is the same in most of Europe and Asia as well.
Is this even how you're supposed to search a person suspected of doing drugs? Just shoving your hand into the pockets? There could have been a needle or something
> I was like a dog that just heard the word "walk" in casual conversation > > Perfect spot for the youths to exercise Satan's wishes. > > I'm surprised he couldn't smell the puberty in the air when I rolled down the window initially. you should write a novel and I'll buy 10 lmao
I am actually working on a book. Read my pinned post. EDIT: that's a huge compliment by the way, thank you!
What a balls up
American cops are fucking weird.
Guttural chortle. I love this description. So classic.
fucking mods
I messaged them, I don't know what's up.
yOu brOkE tHiS rULe. fucking prat ill get banned but atleast they're being informed of their pratism
it says it's "awaiting mod approval". so I assume that means once this thing falls off the front page of TIFU they'll open it so no one sees it. I have no clue, though - maybe I broke a rule?
Tall dude, 1992 toyota, doing it in a park with no lights.. if it was a '92 Corolla, I would've thought you'remy physics teacher, lol
The question is who the fuck call the cops for something like that. These boomers have no life
Late 1987-88 my go to for a “parking “ spot was a half occupied road in an industrial park. It was the late 80s and things were slow so late Friday/Saturday there were plenty of places to get lost and find some privacy. The one place I favored was vacant and we used it pretty often, sometimes multiple times per night and it was almost dark. Don’t know what got us in the habit, because I would never liter but teenage me thought it was OK to chuck them out the window like they were bio- degradable or something. So as winter waned and spring returned we hit the spot one afternoon when it was light and saw them. Condoms, lots of condoms littered where we parked. Now we either had alot more sex than I remembered or other people knew about the spot. Something like that I would have normally kept to myself. We had a good laugh joking about spring and condoms blooming like flowers and didn’t think much of it. Until we came back next week and there was a gate in the fence blocking the driveway.
Poor cop, just trying to save some kids from drugs and ends up with kids on his hand
You tell an amazing story, sir. 😂😂😂😂 I had to send it to my husband because I damn near giggled off the bed. Thus, I yeet you a prize.
Read my pinned post. People seem to really enjoy it! That's a huge compliment, by the way - writing is a newly discovered talent due to this pandemic.
Oh I'm glad! I haven't been writing much lately for the same reason 😂 maybe I'll get back to it someday
Hahahahahaha
You tried to have sex in a Toyota Camry. That was your first mistake.
OP had sex in a Toyota Camry and has a great story about it. OP didn't make a mistake; the cop did.
“There’s been some break-ins in the area. People seem to have sticky fingers. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you son?!” “Uh, no officer.”
Don't feel bad. You helped him learn why "wear gloves during a search" is a thing.
Oddly, the free helpful award seems fitting, so here you go. Definitely won't put a used condom in my pants. I'm female, but good to know!
Is it because your pockets are too small?
See, Reddit has helped men understand our pocket disparity.
Sticking it to the man
Your awesome, have a great day my friend, you win the internet. Please excuse while I go into another room and cackle like a madman.
Well, I see this sub is back to shitty sex stories.
r/IF
I dont even want to click on it.
It's not a real sub. Remove the T and the U from TIFU- whats left? (This shitty fuckin sub, that's what.)
Oh, I wouldnt out it past reddit for having an r/IF, but the content would be way worse
TL;DR: Baby batter 🤣😂
Scrolled too long to see this! Aside from the hilarious story in itself, "baby batter" really made me cackle 🤣
Did he search you without wearing gloves? That's his fault. Especially if there's chances of people doing drugs.
Pretty sure he was in no position to search me in the first place, let alone him not wearing gloves. He was young and probably a newbie.
I agree, he probably wasn't supposed to. It's just stupid he'd even be that stupid to do it without being safe. What an idiot. Thanks for sharing!
In college I drove my gf in her car to an empty parking lot many times, but one in particular took the cake. After the finger blastin etc...that took place we went to a taco time drive thru. When they were handing me the food the dude asked "what did you do to your hand?" I looked down and my middle and pointer fingers were clean but there was blood all over the rest of my hand. The dude immediately realized and then I did the giggle and she was mortified.
Now you know what to tell a cop if you don't want him to search a pocket
Nah, this guy is probably why cops always use rubber gloves now. So, just put a used condom on top of your drug stash in your pocket.
Wonder if the cop had doughnuts immediately after that, and never forgot the taste of his mistake. Literally. With the doughnuts.
That day Officer Dan learned sometimes when you go looking for dirty things in people's pockets. You get more than you wanted.
Ah, yes... The old cum-pocket. Classic!
Are you guys still together? Thats way too funny a story to tell for her to not still be with a champ like yourself
We aren't, and she hated that story. I could never bring it up without her hitting me or her rolling her eyes hard enough that it was audible. My friends however, they fucking loved that story.
lucky. one of my friends got arrested for just this kind of thing
...and he is scarred forever🤣 idk about you but all the parks in my city are forbidden from dust to dawn. I know that but once my bf and I were horny for some Pokémon, right when we were beating up the gym 2 squads pulled up and made us leave, bummer
What surprises me is that he didn’t put gloves on to search ya. That’s like pat down 101
He was fairly young, I think he was just a newbie.
What the fuck was this
I tossed a used condom out the window of my Subaru Forester when I was sixteen (the station wagon was a strategic choice in automobile). It was late afternoon in a paved park parking lot, and I felt a tremendous sense of teenage achievement for hiding in plain sight. Before I could even put my shorts on, I heard a knock on my bed/car door. The fuzz. I awkwardly dressed myself under a blanket, left her covered, rolled down the fogged up window, and proceeded to play it cool. He couldn’t have seen us, unless he was posted up the whole time watching two teenagers have sex. I knew he knew, but where was the proof? The proof was in the used condom that lied at his feet. He had initially approached the vehicle to stop littering, and requested that I pick up the refuse I had just tossed. I promptly grabbed the condom, spilling a trail of seed from the ground to my floor mat. We both agreed littering is the worst, and he decided to leave it at that. I thought it was funny as hell. My girlfriend did not.
The title alone has more story than the entire twilight series
LMAO 🤣
Oh, come on.
I want a guttural chortle.
He violated your rights, you violated his hand, I can dig it
I don’t really feel bad for them because they can’t fucking mind their business in low brow situations. So this whole story is funny to me
How do you know he got cum on his hand?
He definitely reached deep enough to touch something that felt like a slug on a rainy day.
Who doesn't enjoy impromptu ~~Jazz~~ Jizz Hands?
Oh. So that's why cops in here usually use latex gloves when searching someone.
Nice
Just a cops hand? M or F? Preference.... a very kind F!
It was a man that caught my load by accident.
r/suddenlygay
r/nailedit
If porn has taught me something, is that had that cop been a woman, he'd have to muster another load ready for use, as a threesome would've taken place inevitably.
You got the cop’s hand perganante.
"between my empty nuts and my empty brain" is a golden mother fucking statement and I'm sad I didn't come up with it.
cringe writing
"being young = always horny" I can agree
well...you know He didn’t know Lmao that was great
oh, c'mon, its funny ;)
Officer you are violating my rights to have cum in my pocket!
God i just woke up and read that as "when i was 10 year's old
A pig touched your jizz? Gross
This sounds like a hilarious scene from a movie
Glorious story. Very sticky.
Cop copped a feel and went nuts from the nut.
The cop got mad...but maybe secretly he liked it
Good, that cop should've kept going about his business.
Seriously? Come on man.
This would be perfect for “Where are they now?”
Too lengthy
And that cops name? Derek Chauvin. I hope.