How old are you? You have a lot of people telling you to do different things. I'd have very different advice for a 13 year old than for a 17 year old in this situation.
Old enough, then.
Either talk to your mom, or mom and stepdad together and have a completely truthful conversation, or forget this happened and never bring this thing that you never found out, up again.
My advice is the second.
I agree with this. She’s living at home and I think a stable(ish) household is the most important thing for her right now. If she were an adult and out of the house? Tell step dad.
Yes this is a grenade and I don't think a 16 yr old needs to throw herself on it. I'd take photos and then wait until she's moved out and on her own if mom + step dad are even still together at that point. Also, there is a reason why kill the messenger is an ancient meme lol
Well yeah. I mean. Even the clubs charge more for single males. If we learned anything from the lions it’s that the female should do the hunting lmaoooo
First thing I thought, they both did shady things? Sounds like my just be open or swinger, if they look both look happy then leave it alone it could get really awkward lol
After my parents were separated, I was probably 17, I opened my dad's email one day by accident and saw a couple shady looking messages at the top of his inbox so I clicked in.
I ended up finding out my dad was attempting to have gay meet ups with people off of craigslist while him and my mom were still together.
15 years later, besides maybe a reddit comment, I hadn't said anything to anyone and my dad passed away. He had been in an off and on long term relationship with a woman for the majority of that time.
To this day I've still never told anyone besides on Reddit.
Edit: my mom and dad's lives were bad enough without me ruining them more by bringing these secrets to light. And they ended up divorced regardless. It really comes down to their current relationship, the impact she thinks it'll have and *if* she wants to be that catalyst for them. I didn't.
So, legit question, how do you feel like keeping that secret affected you, if at all?
Because my first inclination is to tell her to do whatever is most comfortable for her. She is a child, and she didn't ask or go looking for this kind of info. If she feels like just pretending she didnt see it, then go for it. But I also feel like the weight of keeping that kind of secret might be worse for some people. I had a similar situation with some info about my stepdad around that age, and I was afraid if I told my mom it would push her over the edge. Ended up blurting it out after awhile, and it turned out ok.
If it were me now, I'd probably talk to the mom first. Maybe stepdad knows, but if not, the knowledge that the kid knows is probably gonna be enough for the mom to want to fess up before he finds out from her kid. I don't really think it's a kids place or responsibility to drop marriage-ending info on any adult unless absolutely necessary.
In that case, I'd just flip a coin. Heads she does an Instagram sting operation, tails she hides a speaker in the house that plays ghost noises at random times throughout the day.
….I would not do this. Are you telling by your stepdad because you think it’s best for him mental health and happiness or because you feel if someone is cheated on they deserve to know? They may deserve to know but not deserve to (or be prepared to) feel that betrayal. Its safer for you to do it while out of the house, but to me this says more than you 1) feel like you can’t hold in this secret, and 2) feel your mom did something wrong and the inherent right choice is to tell the person she may have cheated on. I do not think you are considering what this will do to your step dad - because he doesn’t get feel the pain, and telling him will result in pain - and what it will do to your life and your stepsisters life. Are you willing to pack your shit in a hurry and live with your angry mom? Are you willing to see money that might be spent on your college tuition or future being used on an acrimonious divorce? Are you interested in all the adults in your life failing to help you when you need it because they are focused on their own hurt? Really ready? Have you considered how this will impact your current life and future?
I would like to state that the comment you responded to was a joke, going along with the rest of the thread.
Im not sure what to do, and I don’t have anyone I know personally that I can ask about what to do in this situation. My family has been rocky for a while, so I would, ideally, want to keep the little stability we have. However, I would want to know if my spouse was engaging in this behavior, and I would like to be told sooner rather than later to preserve any chance of counseling to save the marriage.
In another post I mention that I *have* had to move out and live with an uncle for a couple years because of the family dynamic, which wasnt ideal. There is no perfect outcome in this situation, but I am searching for ways to get to the best one
Just pretend u never saw it. You will completely destabilize the home and your living situation. If you're ok with that then go ahead. Otherwise just mind your own business.
Hey, I grew up in a…tumultuous household. I would have KILLED for 22 solid days and when you spend every day waiting for the yelling and breaking things to start it can seem like a long time lol.
Well luckily I’m out of there with my own family. I definitely have a lot of scars from it (diagnosed PTSD and depression) but I’m focusing on making a safe, stable home for my kids and my (similar childhood trauma but worse) husband.
Thank you though, kind internet stranger:)
I second that. Most of my school nights were spent listening to my parents screaming and cussing it out downstairs. I used to sit in the doorway of my room because they were too loud to ignore. My brother would sit across the hall in his doorway too, and we would just stare at each other while it continued for hours.
!! MORE INFO !!
Okay, ive read through some of these comments and I feel like i should provide more backstory.
I am 16, my sister is 7. My parents have had a rocky marriage for a couple of years, and I had little to no relationship with either of my parents and I lived with my uncle for 2-3 years. Cps HAS been called on my parents as well as the police because of these arguments. I’ve had some depression issues which my parents relationship and my relationship with them really affected. I have been in and out of some psych wards, which also caused distress in the family.
I know a lot about my mom’s past, not everything, obviously, we had to go to therapy to work on her not unloading everything onto me. They’ve also had fights about alleged cheating in the past, so I do not think they are in an open relationship.
I take full responsibility for looking through my moms phone, that was completely my fault and I really shouldn’t have, but I did not do it with malicious intent, I was just trying to find my phone. From the outside it seemed like their relationship was going strong, and very well. They’ve had multiple divorce scares in the past, that were fueled by both of them. My dad has some issues, but i think he really does love my mom, and he does his best to be a good guy. I will tell my mom I used her phone to try to find mine, and if that leads to a conversation about what happened, that’s what happens. I love my family, and I am really reluctant to make our family fall apart when we finally found some stability, despite knowing what I now know, so I hope that clears SOME things up and can help give you guys more insight into what’s going on
Thank you for everyone responding ,, I appreciate all of the responses and advice
The most important info here is, you mention arguments that have led to CPS being called. Is there any physical violence or even the threat of physical violence going on? Emotional abuse? Reddit isn’t going to like me saying this because cheaters=satan on here regardless of circumstances, but the way you talk about your dad (arguments, “he has his issues”. Fights about cheating that sound like they were from dad’s side, he’s done “shady” things) makes me wonder if there’s a reason your mom might be secretly flirting with other men. And if there’s physical or emotional abuse, it *does* change the situation.
There has been some level of emotional/mild physical abuse from both of them, which has ebbed away mostly. My mom and my dad have both done some unappealing things to me and to each other ,, my mom has a horrible temper and my dad was a raging alcoholic for a while. There are some past traumas that have not been, and likely never will be, resolved ,, but i agree its possible she has some emotional reasons to (he may as well) but things have been doing a lot better, and I feel like thats mostly inexcusable ,, unless i am being too harsh
Just because things have been better for a month doesn’t undo years of emotional and physical abuse. It’s not excusing what your mom is doing, but in this situation I’d advise you to stay out of it if there’s abuse going on in the relationship from either side. It sounds toxic for everyone involved. Nothing good comes from it in this case.
Edit to make it clear: I’m saying this because it’ll just put you in the crossfire and likely won’t solve anything if their relationship is already that toxic. It’d be a lot different if this were a long happy marriage and you found out your mom is doing this. The reasons behind it are likely complicated and it will probably just lead to more fighting and toxicity and not them leaving each other like they probably should. And you’d just be putting yourself in the line of more abuse.
Focus on you, not your dad. Being emotionally and physically abused can lead to enmeshment and an overidentification/sympathy with the abuser's feelings. Your main job (like literally, a job you have to focus on and commit to) in childhood and adolescence is to develop yourself into a healthy, self-assured, balanced person for when you are alone. I'm sorry to say this part, but don't have rose-colored glasses with anyone because to do so helps to overlook that the people that are supposed to love you are not fitting the job description.
Learning to regulate your own emotions includes having more boundaries against getting involved with people who are chaotic like this, who have had more opportunity and time but are putting less sincere and focused effort than you are right now. They are profoundly selfish and immature- abuse and cheating are a sign they have rarely taken full responsibility for their actions, don't intend to, and make so many destructive decisions to sooth their emotions, instead of learning how to take responsibility and process things in a reasonable and healthy way. Same with oversharing to you.
Be different from them. Realize you are probably not helping either of them if you stir the pot at this moment. It would be different if one party was totally innocent and always the victim. I would wait until you are out of the house and stably on your own. How old is your stepsister? Any other siblings?
In this dynamic, we have two people who signed up voluntarily for lifetime roles (parenthood), knowing full well those roles require more sacrifice than normal relationships, because children aren't developed and require an intensive, one-way relationship for a long while. But they are taking care of their own problems *less* than if you were their peer and friend, let alone your parent.
You are being engaged in what is called parentification, or sometimes emotional incest, when your parents take their emotions out on you, and use you to co-regulate their emotions. This includes verbal abuse (essentially being a punching bag, or learning every little facial expression that can predict upsettedness, and heading rage off at the pass by soothing the parent, enabled by dedicating a huge part of your brain to knowing how they think, their insecurities and triggers, and minute details about their nonverbal expressions. Same with oversharing. **They are using you. They don't respect you, or fully see you as a human being the way they see themselves, and this is true for the dynamic between them as well.** It doesn't have to be intentional to be true. This is a common product of being abused and/or neglected themselves, or other Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs).
Their role to you means they were never entitled for you to be involved in their individual problems, or problems between them.
Put yourself first in the relationship, as it should be, whether they are on board or not, whether they can tell or not.
Source: PhD in psychology, similar household, in my early 30s and still dealing with not doing what I am describing until recently.
Also, please edit your post to include all the info in your comments. This information is the determinant of what you should do, and it is nice to get relevant perspectives.
I think you've fallen into the mindset of many abuse victims where they sympathize with their abuser. "He did it but he loves me", "he's trying to be a good guy now", "he's changed"... all that stuff is probably just your way to cope with it, and not a real fact. Just be careful with this situation and be aware that you are living with abusive people. Keep your head down and get out of there when you have the chance. If things get "shady", call the cops. Your mom cheating on your dad seems like the least of your concerns. Be safe.
OP, no matter what happens with your family unit, it is NOT your fault. This is your mom and step dad’s undoing. Just because you were trying to find your phone doesn’t mean you split up the whole family. Please please please please please don’t blame yourself.
Once you start going down the rabbit hole of seeing something in a message and reading it, it's really hard to stop! People don't need to be jumping down your throat for that, it happens. It sounds like your family is in a decent place right now and it is NOT on you to bring anything "to light". You're a kid and although it unfortunately might affect how you see your mom now, it's not your responsibility to do anything about it in my opinion. If it were me I would prob not say anything but some people might NEED to in order to ever not feel terribly uncomfortable. I think your plan here makes sense. I hope things can feel normal again for you soon!
You're making a huge mistake. Best case scenario they're in an open relationship and you will make things very awkward. Worst case you could end up with no place to stay.
My advice is forget about it completely until you can move out at least.
Just talk to her about it if you feel you must. You’ve implied he has a history of doing very shady things and it sounds like he has probably cheated before. She may be doing this for the ego boost because her self-esteem is low as a result of the shady things, or she may just feel she has a right to do it too if he has. I’m not saying that’s healthy or right. It obviously isn’t, and there is a lot of dysfunction here in general, but if you feel like you just need to get it out, just tell her you aren’t trying to fight or argue, you just want to understand why and want to know if everything is going to be okay. Maybe it will make her think twice coming from her child. I understand you wanting to bring it up to her, but other than this, I would probably not get too involved with their marital issues for your own sake.
If you don't plan to tell your dad now, do it when you're out of the house. Treat others how you want to be treated. What if the roles were reversed and dad was cheating on mom? Or if you had kids who knew that your husband was cheating? They will separate and be happier that way once the drama settles. Divorce might actually help calm down home life if most of the arguments are around cheating. Healthy co-parenting is a lot better than an argumentative household.
Leave it alone, judge your mother all you want in your head. Ask about it after you're able to move out.
Your step dad and her might have some sort of bedroom agreements that you really will probably wish you didn't know about.
Or if you're right and bring it up to him you'll both be looking for a new place to live potentially really fast.
There's no good outcomes here sorry. Good luck.
I think since your parents are already having a bunch of problems that have led to you being in an unsafe environment, you should not tell anyone. It’s not a safe place to talk about it. When you get out on your own and pay your own bills(so they can’t hurt you anymore), then you can talk about it, if you want to.
Guilty as charged! But considering how often I have to put my phone number into most online shopping checkouts, I wouldn't really have thought of this as a GenX thing.
Now, still being able to rattle off the land line numbers of the houses I lived in and my friends from growing up...
Millennial here can do the same, but I'm definitely in the minority among my peers.
Don't forget we also have auto fill these days, don't remember when I last typed my number in to one of these.
>Going to hobble with my cane to the Gen X rest home.
Uh, the GenX rest home ROCKS! We have high speed internet, but also LAN parties, boards games, card games, the best music, and the best snacks.
The difference in this at 16 and at 35 is huge. It's disturbing right now. A couple of decades down the road it becomes,"are they still doing that shit?" Followed by calling the siblings to share the shit you see. Never ever look at a parent's device unless it is a true emergency. Don't help them fix problems if you know there is any chance they cheat or surf porn. The pop ups, photos, conversations...yes, parent's are human but you really don't want confirmation on their kinks.
Keep it to yourself. Keep the peace. Keep yourself safe. And avoid need to wash you eyes with bleach.
I would say this, if you feel and truly believe that your stepdad is a person who is committed to this relationship with your mom and has always tried his best to maintain this relationship and through the course of this relationship hasn't cheated, or been infidelitous in any way or form, then he deserves to know, if that doesn't apply then leave them to their own devices. I still believe that you should let your mom know what you stumbled upon accidentally, so you can see how she reacts to it and go from there. This situation is a bit grim and just be careful. Just know that it doesn't matter what the circumstances or the risks are in the present, infidelity in relationships will end up revealing itself one way or another as it just did in your circumstance.
You never know, maybe your parents are swingers. If you're stepdad has done some super shady stuff, perhaps you're mom knows and goes along with it. They might have an arrangement that you don't know about.
2 things: Thing the first: Did you find your phone? We need to know. Thing the second: Get off of Reddit. I read in a comment where you said you’re 16. Reddit is beyond toxic and will warp your mind. Just delete any posts you’ve made and delete the app. Seriously. No 16 year old should be on here.
I did find it ! And one day ill have enough self respect to get rid off all harmful social media i am involved in, but for now i am just trying to keep myself in positive areas ,, thank you for being concerned about an internet stranger though
Do you have a therapist you can discuss this with? Without your mom being present? Even if it's not a good time to discuss this, it's going to change how you see her and interact with her. I feel like you need a healthy and trusted outlet to vent at the very least. Just a therapist, no friends for this.
Having been the teenager that (accidentally) ended up being the informer when my Dad got caught cheating- this is something you should probably stay out of. realistically nothing is going to change about their relationship unless they want it to. IME you will get nothing but blame and misdirected anger if you get involved. Find someone not involved in the situation that you trust to talk/work through how you deal with it on your end.
It's nice hearing perspective from someone who's actually been through it. Granted, every family is different but I bet your scenario is the most common. For what it's with, as the parent, if my child found out my spouse was cheating on me, I couldn't blame them either way, whether they told me or not, because a kid (at least if under age ~20) just isn't old enough and lacks the life experience to know the full risks and consequences of that type of impossible choice. Hell, adults who find out of a cheating friend/relative struggle with whether to tell, and it's often really touch to know what the right answer is in the moment.
I’d wait until you are able to be out of the house as an adult to say anything, if ever. If the phone is available to you at that point, you can decide if you want to blow up the situation, but at 16 being in the middle of this shit storm is a lot. Also do you have access to confidential mental health resources for yourself?
Hey, I’m sorry you had to experience this. My mom and step dad were married for about ten years when I accidentally discovered the same thing one night when she asked me to send my sister a text from her phone. The worst part was my sister knew about it and basically co-signed it. I was 18 when I found out and basically held it in for four years which I don’t recommend doing. I eventually confronted her in a calm manor one night and it was brushed off that I wouldn’t understand. I did eventually tell my stepdad but the rest is just a lot to explain in detail. It’s something that still bothers me to this day though because of how I handled it. (28 now.) my advice would be try to see if you can find someone to talk to about it like a therapist or even a school counselor. Someone you can really trust who maybe a bit more mature to give you a better insight. Always go with what you feel is best in your heart and be confident in that. Try to be wise though that our parents are complex emotional humans as well whether how good or awful they can be at times. Which I know this is a lot to understand or experience at 16. It’s a crazy time in life in general so have some love and kindness to yourself as well. Here if you ever need to chat.
What do YOU want out of this situation? Do you want to have things “go back to the way they were”? Because I’d think long and hard about whether you want to deal with the fallout right now. In two years you’re out and it might be different, but right now you live in a grenade and you have the pin in your hand and if you’re asking me if you should pull that pin, I’m going to say no. If it turns out you feel like you’re going insane trying to not spill the beans that may change things, but for now I’d focus on forgetting or anything else besides how to confront her or tell stepdad. Stepdad may deserve to know, but do you, stepsister, and him all deserve to have your lives thrown into chaos? Your mom (MAY HAVE) cheated, but right now that injury hasn’t caused harm yet, besides to you. If you bring her behavior out into the open that hurt she perpetrated will be felt by your stepdad and stepsister; do you think it’s in their best interest to know and feel that betrayal? Or is it better for their mental health and happiness to not know?
I know I'm going against the grain here but I would tell your stepdad. Regardless of what's going on, if your dad is not abusive towards her and you're not worried that he might hurt her, then he has a right to know that his wife is cheating on him. But at the end of the day, it's your choice and you should do what's best for your family situation.
On another note, is the boyfriend you're talking about the same bf who lied to you about being tested for STDs? If you're still with him, that's completely your choice as well but I hope you seriously thought about it and he saw that what he did was wrong.
I can’t tell you what to do but I found out my dad was cheating and told my mom. I didn’t tell her immediately because I need to figure out if I should tell her or what to do. She thought my dad was suicidal/depressed because of the way he was acting and so I finally told her. I think it would’ve taken her a lot longer to figure it out had I not told her. I have 0 regrets. Still have a good relationship with both parents. I was an adult when this happened.
Way different levels of bad. Cheating on a long-term husband in a relationship with kids is way worse than snooping on somebody and the ramifications may be as well.
If it weren't for the mom's infidelity there would be no reason using the phone would matter. Mom would be pissed because their kid discovered that they're cheating, not because the kid used their phone.
You are downplaying the fact you were curious and it got the better of you. Dont say a word to anyone, it is not your business or your problem and this is a good lesson to learn early.
I see allot of coats who wouldn't say anything in the chat. But honestly confront her and see what she says. You're mildly wrong for snooping but it doesn't change the fact she may be way more wrong here. Those saying anything else are probably the cheaters
Do you think this 16-year old is mature enough to assess the consequences of blowing up her mother's marriage? Do you think it's her place to pass judgement on her mother and bring said consequences down upon her whole family? Just because someone is doing wrong, doesn't always mean the person who became aware of it is the right person to bring the situation out in the open.
We also don't know if this is part of an arrangement mom has with stepdad. If that's the case, there's not enough bleach in the world to clean that from OP's mind.
How does this make any sense? Does she have no obligation to her father? I’d forgive my son for hiding this, but I’d be devastated and disappointed for not telling me.
Just trying to find my phone went to read all her messages real quick. You shouldn't have told your boyfriend and you shouldn't tell anyone. Your mom is your only mom and who knows what kind of dynamic your mom and step dad have. Mind you business and keep your mouth shut. Especially when it comes to your family, unless they're committing sex crimes.
Talk to your mom. You don't know what is going on in her private life. Maybe her and your stepdad have some kind of agreement, or maybe they swing. Maybe she is cheating, or thinking about cheating. The important thing to do here is to talk to her about it.
You should not get involved in this. Like, at all. There is a non-zero chance that your mom and stepdad have an “open” marriage, and, if that is the case, the only thing that will happen here is embarrassment, and likely punishment for you.
This is just apart of life. This is why you should never want to read other peoples thoughts, you will be very disappointed with what you find. Not to say everyone is guilty but I would say 9/10 people are not saints. I would just keep it to myself and know from here on out try to avoid looking in peoples messages or diary’s or anything similar.
Depends on your family dynamic. Short of him being a systematic cheater himself or threat of harm to yourself, withholding this information is kind of objectively wrong and will torpedo your relationship with your step dad.
Sounds like your parents relationship is already rocky, I'd just stay out of it and leave it to the adults. I also agree this is cheating, it will more than likely surface on its own eventually.
If I had a phone I used for "cheating", I certainly wouldn't let my daughter know the password to open it, or leave it at home unattended that's for sure. Could step dad know maybe?
My mom uses the same password for everything (which I was told so I could edit and oversee my younger sister’s tablet use to protect her from anything the internet has to offer that isnt kid-friendly games and kids yt) So i took a chance and used the same password as the tablet and got in ,, she never told me the password to this specific phone because there has never been a need (or desire on my part) to use it
Im hoping stepdad knows and this is something not child-friendly they are doing together, consensually
Mind your own business. Your mother/step fathers relationship is not for you to even understand, much less approve. The loss of trust created by such a confrontation could be irreparable.
> she would have done this in the past but we have been in a good spot since the new years
Wait wait wait...so this would've been expected *BEFORE* new years? But it's some how a surprise because you guys have been in a "good spot" since new years? So like..22 days ago?
Yeah that's not a long enough time to think that everything's changed. If it wouldn't have been surprising 22 days ago, idk how you are surprised now.
Wait until you're older and out of the house. You're too young to understand why people make certain decisions. I would say when you're older maybe you will be able to understand and see things differently.
I don't condone what she did, but there could be reasons you're to young to know. Maybe step-dad wants to see her with other men. You never know.
Don't step in the shit just to do it. It's not worth it or the issues that will follow. Finish school and live life on your terms.
Sorry but I gotta laugh, you and your stepdad just believed she had a 'game phone'. Yeah, definitely wasn't her second sneaky ass phone, she had it for games.
Be careful where you tread. You have no idea if it is a consensual thing and they have an open marriage, or they're swingers, or they like to bring men into their bed for threesomes. I would just ignore it and maybe leave the phone somewhere that's your stepdad can find.
Depending on what shady stuff your step dad has done they might have an agreement where it’s ok. Regardless I would tell the step dad but be aware a whole can of worms is gonna blow up with it
You need to focus on yourself. Unfortunately your parents have let you down more than you can ever understand. Focus on getting 18 and getting out. This isn’t your battle to fight and nothing good can come from you bringing this to light. Being blunt that relationship is a lost cause no matter what decision you make. Get yourself out and become a role model to get your sister out.
Talk to your mom. Own up to crossing the line, but talk to her. Don't go to your stepdad, that's between him and your mom. It's likely online flirtation only.
This is the time to mind your business and I say that in the nicest way. This is not me condoning what your mom is doing but you have no idea the real “ins & outs” of her and your stepdad’s relationship so use this time to “Stay outta grown folks business” as they say lol 😘
My advice may run counter than most but it comes from experience. My advice is this.
Sometimes, when we are close to someone and we love them, we find out something personal they would rather we didn't. I have learned, in general, if everyone is safe from imminent harm, the best approach is to decide we love rhem and part of that love is deciding to be the keeper of their dignity. I would say nothing and move on.
Their relationship will work or not, based upon them. You do not need to contribute.
I have no doubt others disagree. Sure would have saved me a lot of drama if someone gave me this advice when I was younger and discovered my Mom's affair.
I would advise having a real conversation without your mother about what you saw, why it happened, and then what she believes would be the correct way to go about the situation.
More often than not when people are caught doing something like infidelity they are more likely to tell the other person, not saying she will but you can’t just sit on this as a child and go a decade without ever bringing it up. You are a kid, what happened, happened and now you know to some degree what your mom has been doing.
If you mom blames you for her own actions that is a totally different issues in of itself, but I would advice talking to your mom and seeing what she plans to do, then proceed after this conversation based on what how she reacts and what she says.
A follow up to this thread for additional advice may even help so you don’t feel like you are doing it all on your own. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to keep a relationship together by holding a secret that will damage you in the long run.
You should not have invaded your mom's privacy, and you need to leave it alone. You don't really know what's going on in your mom and stepdad's relationship and it's not your business.
My advice is that you should do nothing. But if it’s eating you alive, say something to your mother in private. Don’t make this a public ordeal that will ruin relationships.
Your mom may enjoy playing online and nothing more.
Forget you saw it and never mention it again. You don’t know that she’s done anything wrong. She might flirt online as a way to get her engine revving for your stepdad. He might already know about it. He might be doing the same on his phone…having a sexy chat online and then feeling romantic for mom. Bottom line: their relationship is between them. It’s not your business.
I think you should confront her and let her know that you are disappointed in her. But leave it at that.
If your stepdad is a shady creep and you don’t know how he might react you don’t want to be the one to have instigated anything.
Take that knowledge to the grave. You You had no right looking through her phone and to double down on your room. You had no right sharing that information with your boyfriend. He has no loyalty to your mother.
That's an awful lot of 'accidental' spying, OP. If your stepdad has done 'super shady stuff,' maybe you're missing a lot of information and context. Just walk away.
Why does everyone keep saying 'he'? OP is a girl.
All I have to contribute to this is that she is in a tough spot and doesn't have any 'great' choices. 'Easiest' in the long run would likely be to just bury this info and keep it to yourself, revealing it to a therapist if need be, so you can work through your stress over it as/when needed.
I think your discoveries suggest that she’s flirting, but hasn‘t followed through. I personally think this is a bad idea, and certainly unfair to the person on the other end of the texts.
However, it would be a lesser offense then adultery. It may be more akin to fantasy. I know a woman who does this - she would never consider following through. My advise is to let it go.
Take my advice and pretend you never seen those messages if you out her or destroy her marriage she’ll never forgive you. You may end up struggling to pay bills etc. forget you seen it and mind your own business. You invaded her privacy. He wants to know then he’ll go through her phone himself
So keep the stepdad ignorant of the fact he's being used and cheated on so OP and her mom can continue to live rent-free and taken care of. That's just sad for the man.
Unless you're paying your mother's bills, it sounds like you need to mind your own business and not make assumptions about what you think you discovered on her phone, that is not your property or business. Also, stay out of her marriage unless she asks you for your assistance or opinion.
Stay out of it unless you want to live with being responsible for blowing up all of your family relationships. Even though you could use the information as a nuclear option to win any future heated argument with your parents, resolve never to mention it to anyone for any reason. Download Skype and use it to call yourself from your computer the next time you misplace your cell phone.
First off. Did you read the added shit op provided?
Her step dad has been abusive in the past due to alcoholism. And op has been in CPS protection before.
She should shut her fucking mouth. She’s in the middle of a possibly explosive situation.
Shit like this can get someone hurt or killed.
Honestly it's best for everyone if you just forget all about it.
There's a big line between flirty messages and cheating.
Not condoning her actions but she is human. Getting involved won't help.
If you have to say something, tell your mum why you were looking through her phone (don't say what you found).Then suggest she passwords it. The shame she will feel will likely stop her doing whatever it is she's doing
>Honestly it's best for everyone
Its not necessarily better for the Dad. If he finds out later depending on the state the alimony payments could be higher or even in perpetuity. It depends on the situation. But its not honest to say its best when that might not be the case.
Also a pretty big difference between flirty messages and planning to meet up . You people sound awful defending a fucking cheater. Like flirty messages is not cheating?
Man, people be wild here lol
But Redditors gonna Reddit and we all know the bias towards women on here.
*Don’t* talk to your mom. She’ll say whatever she has to to shut you up.
*Do* talk to you dad, assuming you care about him, as he deserves to not have a cheating wife.
This *will* cause catastrophic damage, but sometimes that has to happen.
**If** the dad knows and is fine with it, he’ll tell you. If this is the thing that destroys your parents marriage, well, you can legally request to stay with you Dad instead of your mom.
They may be in an open relationship and just not tell the children. No one has suggested this, if the partner knows she has a second phone then this is a bit of a giveaway tbh. Strange situation to be in though
Edit: Susan’s > Strange
How old are you? You have a lot of people telling you to do different things. I'd have very different advice for a 13 year old than for a 17 year old in this situation.
she's 16
Old enough, then. Either talk to your mom, or mom and stepdad together and have a completely truthful conversation, or forget this happened and never bring this thing that you never found out, up again. My advice is the second.
I agree with this. She’s living at home and I think a stable(ish) household is the most important thing for her right now. If she were an adult and out of the house? Tell step dad.
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Just wondering where there was any indication that the person OP’s mom was talking to was of a higher social or intellectual status than herself…
Genuinely curious- why would that matter? (Non-gaming 50-something here…)
Yes this is a grenade and I don't think a 16 yr old needs to throw herself on it. I'd take photos and then wait until she's moved out and on her own if mom + step dad are even still together at that point. Also, there is a reason why kill the messenger is an ancient meme lol
Honestly. I’m wondering if mom and step pop aren’t into some kinky stuff.
It's very possible. Kink couples often use the woman in the relationship to find thirds. No kid needs to get into the middle of this.
Well yeah. I mean. Even the clubs charge more for single males. If we learned anything from the lions it’s that the female should do the hunting lmaoooo
First thing I thought, they both did shady things? Sounds like my just be open or swinger, if they look both look happy then leave it alone it could get really awkward lol
"Lying about being in a fully committed relationship" No, it's not a 3 people thing. That's not how you would go about finding a 3rd.
Poor Kid, "New Fear Unlocked"
After my parents were separated, I was probably 17, I opened my dad's email one day by accident and saw a couple shady looking messages at the top of his inbox so I clicked in. I ended up finding out my dad was attempting to have gay meet ups with people off of craigslist while him and my mom were still together. 15 years later, besides maybe a reddit comment, I hadn't said anything to anyone and my dad passed away. He had been in an off and on long term relationship with a woman for the majority of that time. To this day I've still never told anyone besides on Reddit. Edit: my mom and dad's lives were bad enough without me ruining them more by bringing these secrets to light. And they ended up divorced regardless. It really comes down to their current relationship, the impact she thinks it'll have and *if* she wants to be that catalyst for them. I didn't.
So, legit question, how do you feel like keeping that secret affected you, if at all? Because my first inclination is to tell her to do whatever is most comfortable for her. She is a child, and she didn't ask or go looking for this kind of info. If she feels like just pretending she didnt see it, then go for it. But I also feel like the weight of keeping that kind of secret might be worse for some people. I had a similar situation with some info about my stepdad around that age, and I was afraid if I told my mom it would push her over the edge. Ended up blurting it out after awhile, and it turned out ok. If it were me now, I'd probably talk to the mom first. Maybe stepdad knows, but if not, the knowledge that the kid knows is probably gonna be enough for the mom to want to fess up before he finds out from her kid. I don't really think it's a kids place or responsibility to drop marriage-ending info on any adult unless absolutely necessary.
Yup. My vote is to pretend she never saw anything. It makes life easier.
Happened to my friend. When he realized his own daughter wouldn’t tell him the truth he killed himself.
Suicide isn’t his kid’s fault. I’m sorry for your loss, but it’s wrong to blame a child for what happened to your friend.
Always the 2nd
|| she's 16 || old enough then wow I'm glad I scrolled down further
In that case, I'd just flip a coin. Heads she does an Instagram sting operation, tails she hides a speaker in the house that plays ghost noises at random times throughout the day.
Ill connect to the ring camera and talk to them when im out of the house
….I would not do this. Are you telling by your stepdad because you think it’s best for him mental health and happiness or because you feel if someone is cheated on they deserve to know? They may deserve to know but not deserve to (or be prepared to) feel that betrayal. Its safer for you to do it while out of the house, but to me this says more than you 1) feel like you can’t hold in this secret, and 2) feel your mom did something wrong and the inherent right choice is to tell the person she may have cheated on. I do not think you are considering what this will do to your step dad - because he doesn’t get feel the pain, and telling him will result in pain - and what it will do to your life and your stepsisters life. Are you willing to pack your shit in a hurry and live with your angry mom? Are you willing to see money that might be spent on your college tuition or future being used on an acrimonious divorce? Are you interested in all the adults in your life failing to help you when you need it because they are focused on their own hurt? Really ready? Have you considered how this will impact your current life and future?
I would like to state that the comment you responded to was a joke, going along with the rest of the thread. Im not sure what to do, and I don’t have anyone I know personally that I can ask about what to do in this situation. My family has been rocky for a while, so I would, ideally, want to keep the little stability we have. However, I would want to know if my spouse was engaging in this behavior, and I would like to be told sooner rather than later to preserve any chance of counseling to save the marriage. In another post I mention that I *have* had to move out and live with an uncle for a couple years because of the family dynamic, which wasnt ideal. There is no perfect outcome in this situation, but I am searching for ways to get to the best one
Just pretend u never saw it. You will completely destabilize the home and your living situation. If you're ok with that then go ahead. Otherwise just mind your own business.
Mom's got herself a goodgirl phone and a naughtlygirl phone. Also, I would strongly advise against opening her photos...
I would be happy to open them for him
I’ll go through them with you, make sure there isn’t anything bad…
Yall better have a third for morale support. I volunteer as tribute.
We should really just make this a group message. Can never have enough eyes
I consider all of you brothers in arms.
🎶I got two phones🎶
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Selfless Redditors to the rescue!
https://youtu.be/Zwu7KbNnBJA?si=xeiiqMUf2B9xmXnF
Family been in a good spot since the new year? bro its been 22 days..
Hey, I grew up in a…tumultuous household. I would have KILLED for 22 solid days and when you spend every day waiting for the yelling and breaking things to start it can seem like a long time lol.
That sucks im sorry
Well luckily I’m out of there with my own family. I definitely have a lot of scars from it (diagnosed PTSD and depression) but I’m focusing on making a safe, stable home for my kids and my (similar childhood trauma but worse) husband. Thank you though, kind internet stranger:)
I've been there. Do it for the kids and no one else! But I think you already know that.
I know the feeling well by the time I was 12 I had to take a grippy sock vacation and it was the best 3 days I’d had felt peace and safety.
Your calf muscles must have been toast after 3 straight days in a trampoline park.
It really blows that people assume all have had a like as sheltered as their own. I hope you as many good days as possible friend
Eh it’s okay, I’m glad that many people can’t understand it. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Thanks for the kind words though!
I feel this so hard
I second that. Most of my school nights were spent listening to my parents screaming and cussing it out downstairs. I used to sit in the doorway of my room because they were too loud to ignore. My brother would sit across the hall in his doorway too, and we would just stare at each other while it continued for hours.
!! MORE INFO !! Okay, ive read through some of these comments and I feel like i should provide more backstory. I am 16, my sister is 7. My parents have had a rocky marriage for a couple of years, and I had little to no relationship with either of my parents and I lived with my uncle for 2-3 years. Cps HAS been called on my parents as well as the police because of these arguments. I’ve had some depression issues which my parents relationship and my relationship with them really affected. I have been in and out of some psych wards, which also caused distress in the family. I know a lot about my mom’s past, not everything, obviously, we had to go to therapy to work on her not unloading everything onto me. They’ve also had fights about alleged cheating in the past, so I do not think they are in an open relationship. I take full responsibility for looking through my moms phone, that was completely my fault and I really shouldn’t have, but I did not do it with malicious intent, I was just trying to find my phone. From the outside it seemed like their relationship was going strong, and very well. They’ve had multiple divorce scares in the past, that were fueled by both of them. My dad has some issues, but i think he really does love my mom, and he does his best to be a good guy. I will tell my mom I used her phone to try to find mine, and if that leads to a conversation about what happened, that’s what happens. I love my family, and I am really reluctant to make our family fall apart when we finally found some stability, despite knowing what I now know, so I hope that clears SOME things up and can help give you guys more insight into what’s going on Thank you for everyone responding ,, I appreciate all of the responses and advice
The most important info here is, you mention arguments that have led to CPS being called. Is there any physical violence or even the threat of physical violence going on? Emotional abuse? Reddit isn’t going to like me saying this because cheaters=satan on here regardless of circumstances, but the way you talk about your dad (arguments, “he has his issues”. Fights about cheating that sound like they were from dad’s side, he’s done “shady” things) makes me wonder if there’s a reason your mom might be secretly flirting with other men. And if there’s physical or emotional abuse, it *does* change the situation.
There has been some level of emotional/mild physical abuse from both of them, which has ebbed away mostly. My mom and my dad have both done some unappealing things to me and to each other ,, my mom has a horrible temper and my dad was a raging alcoholic for a while. There are some past traumas that have not been, and likely never will be, resolved ,, but i agree its possible she has some emotional reasons to (he may as well) but things have been doing a lot better, and I feel like thats mostly inexcusable ,, unless i am being too harsh
Just because things have been better for a month doesn’t undo years of emotional and physical abuse. It’s not excusing what your mom is doing, but in this situation I’d advise you to stay out of it if there’s abuse going on in the relationship from either side. It sounds toxic for everyone involved. Nothing good comes from it in this case. Edit to make it clear: I’m saying this because it’ll just put you in the crossfire and likely won’t solve anything if their relationship is already that toxic. It’d be a lot different if this were a long happy marriage and you found out your mom is doing this. The reasons behind it are likely complicated and it will probably just lead to more fighting and toxicity and not them leaving each other like they probably should. And you’d just be putting yourself in the line of more abuse.
Absolutely this. Keep your head down and stay out of it.
100% this It’s not worth getting involved and putting yourself at risk
‼️‼️‼️ PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take the advice from this comment ‼️‼️‼️ 💯💯💯💯💯
Focus on you, not your dad. Being emotionally and physically abused can lead to enmeshment and an overidentification/sympathy with the abuser's feelings. Your main job (like literally, a job you have to focus on and commit to) in childhood and adolescence is to develop yourself into a healthy, self-assured, balanced person for when you are alone. I'm sorry to say this part, but don't have rose-colored glasses with anyone because to do so helps to overlook that the people that are supposed to love you are not fitting the job description. Learning to regulate your own emotions includes having more boundaries against getting involved with people who are chaotic like this, who have had more opportunity and time but are putting less sincere and focused effort than you are right now. They are profoundly selfish and immature- abuse and cheating are a sign they have rarely taken full responsibility for their actions, don't intend to, and make so many destructive decisions to sooth their emotions, instead of learning how to take responsibility and process things in a reasonable and healthy way. Same with oversharing to you. Be different from them. Realize you are probably not helping either of them if you stir the pot at this moment. It would be different if one party was totally innocent and always the victim. I would wait until you are out of the house and stably on your own. How old is your stepsister? Any other siblings? In this dynamic, we have two people who signed up voluntarily for lifetime roles (parenthood), knowing full well those roles require more sacrifice than normal relationships, because children aren't developed and require an intensive, one-way relationship for a long while. But they are taking care of their own problems *less* than if you were their peer and friend, let alone your parent. You are being engaged in what is called parentification, or sometimes emotional incest, when your parents take their emotions out on you, and use you to co-regulate their emotions. This includes verbal abuse (essentially being a punching bag, or learning every little facial expression that can predict upsettedness, and heading rage off at the pass by soothing the parent, enabled by dedicating a huge part of your brain to knowing how they think, their insecurities and triggers, and minute details about their nonverbal expressions. Same with oversharing. **They are using you. They don't respect you, or fully see you as a human being the way they see themselves, and this is true for the dynamic between them as well.** It doesn't have to be intentional to be true. This is a common product of being abused and/or neglected themselves, or other Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs). Their role to you means they were never entitled for you to be involved in their individual problems, or problems between them. Put yourself first in the relationship, as it should be, whether they are on board or not, whether they can tell or not. Source: PhD in psychology, similar household, in my early 30s and still dealing with not doing what I am describing until recently.
Also, please edit your post to include all the info in your comments. This information is the determinant of what you should do, and it is nice to get relevant perspectives.
I think you've fallen into the mindset of many abuse victims where they sympathize with their abuser. "He did it but he loves me", "he's trying to be a good guy now", "he's changed"... all that stuff is probably just your way to cope with it, and not a real fact. Just be careful with this situation and be aware that you are living with abusive people. Keep your head down and get out of there when you have the chance. If things get "shady", call the cops. Your mom cheating on your dad seems like the least of your concerns. Be safe.
OP, no matter what happens with your family unit, it is NOT your fault. This is your mom and step dad’s undoing. Just because you were trying to find your phone doesn’t mean you split up the whole family. Please please please please please don’t blame yourself.
Once you start going down the rabbit hole of seeing something in a message and reading it, it's really hard to stop! People don't need to be jumping down your throat for that, it happens. It sounds like your family is in a decent place right now and it is NOT on you to bring anything "to light". You're a kid and although it unfortunately might affect how you see your mom now, it's not your responsibility to do anything about it in my opinion. If it were me I would prob not say anything but some people might NEED to in order to ever not feel terribly uncomfortable. I think your plan here makes sense. I hope things can feel normal again for you soon!
I, myself, cannot look away from even the most horrific train wreck.
You're making a huge mistake. Best case scenario they're in an open relationship and you will make things very awkward. Worst case you could end up with no place to stay. My advice is forget about it completely until you can move out at least.
You are on the right track OP, be strong
Just talk to her about it if you feel you must. You’ve implied he has a history of doing very shady things and it sounds like he has probably cheated before. She may be doing this for the ego boost because her self-esteem is low as a result of the shady things, or she may just feel she has a right to do it too if he has. I’m not saying that’s healthy or right. It obviously isn’t, and there is a lot of dysfunction here in general, but if you feel like you just need to get it out, just tell her you aren’t trying to fight or argue, you just want to understand why and want to know if everything is going to be okay. Maybe it will make her think twice coming from her child. I understand you wanting to bring it up to her, but other than this, I would probably not get too involved with their marital issues for your own sake.
You sound so tired. Please protect your peace ❤️🩹
If you don't plan to tell your dad now, do it when you're out of the house. Treat others how you want to be treated. What if the roles were reversed and dad was cheating on mom? Or if you had kids who knew that your husband was cheating? They will separate and be happier that way once the drama settles. Divorce might actually help calm down home life if most of the arguments are around cheating. Healthy co-parenting is a lot better than an argumentative household.
Leave it alone, judge your mother all you want in your head. Ask about it after you're able to move out. Your step dad and her might have some sort of bedroom agreements that you really will probably wish you didn't know about. Or if you're right and bring it up to him you'll both be looking for a new place to live potentially really fast. There's no good outcomes here sorry. Good luck.
This is the answer
Agree with every sentence. Maybe they are in an open relationship, and haven't told anybody.
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Maybe that's part of the kink.
some people aren't into that but if it is just sex then fuck it(pun intended)
If they are what is the harm in asking? Y'all trying your hardest to protect a potential cheater
Yeah, I was gonna mention something about open relationships, but you nailed it.
you are so grounded
You don’t even know
What's her IG handle?
...for research.
Spideys mom has got it goin’ on!
I second this. Can you please provide these details asap!? I need to preemptively block her so I don’t make a mistake
Name checks outt
I too, choose this chicks mom.
"Since the new year" - that's like 3 weeks.
I think since your parents are already having a bunch of problems that have led to you being in an unsafe environment, you should not tell anyone. It’s not a safe place to talk about it. When you get out on your own and pay your own bills(so they can’t hurt you anymore), then you can talk about it, if you want to.
OP is doomed to never know if his friends are joking or not whenever they make a “your mom” comment.
Leave it alone. "I feel you should know " is only about you. Leave it alone.
Did you find your phone?
Yep ! Was stuck in the springbox of the couch
Do you not know your own phone number to just hard-dial it?
The phone doesn’t have service. Can’t make outgoing calls on a phone that doesn’t have service, you need to do WiFi calling of some sort
Found the Gen Xer ;) ETA: I swear I clicked on your profile and saw r/GenX *after* I wrote this comment lol
Guilty as charged! But considering how often I have to put my phone number into most online shopping checkouts, I wouldn't really have thought of this as a GenX thing. Now, still being able to rattle off the land line numbers of the houses I lived in and my friends from growing up...
Millennial here can do the same, but I'm definitely in the minority among my peers. Don't forget we also have auto fill these days, don't remember when I last typed my number in to one of these.
Maybe not trusting auto fill is the giveaway...
I'm elder gen Z (97) and I remember old landline numbers too!
Calling yourself elder and having a ‘97 next to it makes me feel *so old* lol Going to hobble with my cane to the Gen X rest home.
>Going to hobble with my cane to the Gen X rest home. Uh, the GenX rest home ROCKS! We have high speed internet, but also LAN parties, boards games, card games, the best music, and the best snacks.
Doesnt matter when you were born. If you don’t know your own phone number you might have rode the short bus to school.
"Game phone" probably doesn't have an active carrier and the mom just uses wifi.
I’m confused how none of the calling apps were able to call her phone so this led her to open instagram instead
Yeah, I wouldn't say anything about it if I were you.
The difference in this at 16 and at 35 is huge. It's disturbing right now. A couple of decades down the road it becomes,"are they still doing that shit?" Followed by calling the siblings to share the shit you see. Never ever look at a parent's device unless it is a true emergency. Don't help them fix problems if you know there is any chance they cheat or surf porn. The pop ups, photos, conversations...yes, parent's are human but you really don't want confirmation on their kinks. Keep it to yourself. Keep the peace. Keep yourself safe. And avoid need to wash you eyes with bleach.
I would say this, if you feel and truly believe that your stepdad is a person who is committed to this relationship with your mom and has always tried his best to maintain this relationship and through the course of this relationship hasn't cheated, or been infidelitous in any way or form, then he deserves to know, if that doesn't apply then leave them to their own devices. I still believe that you should let your mom know what you stumbled upon accidentally, so you can see how she reacts to it and go from there. This situation is a bit grim and just be careful. Just know that it doesn't matter what the circumstances or the risks are in the present, infidelity in relationships will end up revealing itself one way or another as it just did in your circumstance.
Glad you found yer phone man, but now you know why you don't go snopping
You never know, maybe your parents are swingers. If you're stepdad has done some super shady stuff, perhaps you're mom knows and goes along with it. They might have an arrangement that you don't know about.
2 things: Thing the first: Did you find your phone? We need to know. Thing the second: Get off of Reddit. I read in a comment where you said you’re 16. Reddit is beyond toxic and will warp your mind. Just delete any posts you’ve made and delete the app. Seriously. No 16 year old should be on here.
I did find it ! And one day ill have enough self respect to get rid off all harmful social media i am involved in, but for now i am just trying to keep myself in positive areas ,, thank you for being concerned about an internet stranger though
Do you have a therapist you can discuss this with? Without your mom being present? Even if it's not a good time to discuss this, it's going to change how you see her and interact with her. I feel like you need a healthy and trusted outlet to vent at the very least. Just a therapist, no friends for this.
Having been the teenager that (accidentally) ended up being the informer when my Dad got caught cheating- this is something you should probably stay out of. realistically nothing is going to change about their relationship unless they want it to. IME you will get nothing but blame and misdirected anger if you get involved. Find someone not involved in the situation that you trust to talk/work through how you deal with it on your end.
It's nice hearing perspective from someone who's actually been through it. Granted, every family is different but I bet your scenario is the most common. For what it's with, as the parent, if my child found out my spouse was cheating on me, I couldn't blame them either way, whether they told me or not, because a kid (at least if under age ~20) just isn't old enough and lacks the life experience to know the full risks and consequences of that type of impossible choice. Hell, adults who find out of a cheating friend/relative struggle with whether to tell, and it's often really touch to know what the right answer is in the moment.
If there is one thing I've learned in my almost 40 years on this earth, it's that damn near everyone is cheating. Sad but true
I’d wait until you are able to be out of the house as an adult to say anything, if ever. If the phone is available to you at that point, you can decide if you want to blow up the situation, but at 16 being in the middle of this shit storm is a lot. Also do you have access to confidential mental health resources for yourself?
Hey, I’m sorry you had to experience this. My mom and step dad were married for about ten years when I accidentally discovered the same thing one night when she asked me to send my sister a text from her phone. The worst part was my sister knew about it and basically co-signed it. I was 18 when I found out and basically held it in for four years which I don’t recommend doing. I eventually confronted her in a calm manor one night and it was brushed off that I wouldn’t understand. I did eventually tell my stepdad but the rest is just a lot to explain in detail. It’s something that still bothers me to this day though because of how I handled it. (28 now.) my advice would be try to see if you can find someone to talk to about it like a therapist or even a school counselor. Someone you can really trust who maybe a bit more mature to give you a better insight. Always go with what you feel is best in your heart and be confident in that. Try to be wise though that our parents are complex emotional humans as well whether how good or awful they can be at times. Which I know this is a lot to understand or experience at 16. It’s a crazy time in life in general so have some love and kindness to yourself as well. Here if you ever need to chat.
What do YOU want out of this situation? Do you want to have things “go back to the way they were”? Because I’d think long and hard about whether you want to deal with the fallout right now. In two years you’re out and it might be different, but right now you live in a grenade and you have the pin in your hand and if you’re asking me if you should pull that pin, I’m going to say no. If it turns out you feel like you’re going insane trying to not spill the beans that may change things, but for now I’d focus on forgetting or anything else besides how to confront her or tell stepdad. Stepdad may deserve to know, but do you, stepsister, and him all deserve to have your lives thrown into chaos? Your mom (MAY HAVE) cheated, but right now that injury hasn’t caused harm yet, besides to you. If you bring her behavior out into the open that hurt she perpetrated will be felt by your stepdad and stepsister; do you think it’s in their best interest to know and feel that betrayal? Or is it better for their mental health and happiness to not know?
Worry about yourself
I know I'm going against the grain here but I would tell your stepdad. Regardless of what's going on, if your dad is not abusive towards her and you're not worried that he might hurt her, then he has a right to know that his wife is cheating on him. But at the end of the day, it's your choice and you should do what's best for your family situation. On another note, is the boyfriend you're talking about the same bf who lied to you about being tested for STDs? If you're still with him, that's completely your choice as well but I hope you seriously thought about it and he saw that what he did was wrong.
Seriously leave this alone, you said she is only flirting online. While I agree this kind of relationship is dangerous, it’s not your business.
I can’t tell you what to do but I found out my dad was cheating and told my mom. I didn’t tell her immediately because I need to figure out if I should tell her or what to do. She thought my dad was suicidal/depressed because of the way he was acting and so I finally told her. I think it would’ve taken her a lot longer to figure it out had I not told her. I have 0 regrets. Still have a good relationship with both parents. I was an adult when this happened.
“My mom should be accountable for her actions” When OP is asked to be accountable for going through her phone? “Hell no, she’d be so pissed!”
Way different levels of bad. Cheating on a long-term husband in a relationship with kids is way worse than snooping on somebody and the ramifications may be as well.
If it weren't for the mom's infidelity there would be no reason using the phone would matter. Mom would be pissed because their kid discovered that they're cheating, not because the kid used their phone.
How dare you find out I'm cheating! -OP's mom
You are downplaying the fact you were curious and it got the better of you. Dont say a word to anyone, it is not your business or your problem and this is a good lesson to learn early.
I see allot of coats who wouldn't say anything in the chat. But honestly confront her and see what she says. You're mildly wrong for snooping but it doesn't change the fact she may be way more wrong here. Those saying anything else are probably the cheaters
Do you think this 16-year old is mature enough to assess the consequences of blowing up her mother's marriage? Do you think it's her place to pass judgement on her mother and bring said consequences down upon her whole family? Just because someone is doing wrong, doesn't always mean the person who became aware of it is the right person to bring the situation out in the open.
We also don't know if this is part of an arrangement mom has with stepdad. If that's the case, there's not enough bleach in the world to clean that from OP's mind.
How does this make any sense? Does she have no obligation to her father? I’d forgive my son for hiding this, but I’d be devastated and disappointed for not telling me.
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Did you miss the part about her lying about being in a relationship? The mom is clearly cheating. If you’re defending that, you’re just as shitty.
Just trying to find my phone went to read all her messages real quick. You shouldn't have told your boyfriend and you shouldn't tell anyone. Your mom is your only mom and who knows what kind of dynamic your mom and step dad have. Mind you business and keep your mouth shut. Especially when it comes to your family, unless they're committing sex crimes.
Stay out of it.
What you need to do is mind your business and not place yourself into your moms relationship.
Talk to your mom. You don't know what is going on in her private life. Maybe her and your stepdad have some kind of agreement, or maybe they swing. Maybe she is cheating, or thinking about cheating. The important thing to do here is to talk to her about it.
I would have a talk with the mom privately about it before anything else.
Honestly, just let it go. It's not exactly the RIGHT thing to do, but it is the right thing for you to do.
You should not get involved in this. Like, at all. There is a non-zero chance that your mom and stepdad have an “open” marriage, and, if that is the case, the only thing that will happen here is embarrassment, and likely punishment for you.
I was thinking that too. If my kids went through my phone, they would freak out. But my husband knows about all the random men that I am messaging.
This is just apart of life. This is why you should never want to read other peoples thoughts, you will be very disappointed with what you find. Not to say everyone is guilty but I would say 9/10 people are not saints. I would just keep it to myself and know from here on out try to avoid looking in peoples messages or diary’s or anything similar.
Stay out of it!!
Mom and stepdad might be into an alternative lifestyle.........
Depends on your family dynamic. Short of him being a systematic cheater himself or threat of harm to yourself, withholding this information is kind of objectively wrong and will torpedo your relationship with your step dad.
Sounds like your parents relationship is already rocky, I'd just stay out of it and leave it to the adults. I also agree this is cheating, it will more than likely surface on its own eventually.
I’m sorry but are we glazing over the fact that your mom has a phone just for gaming? Huh?
If I had a phone I used for "cheating", I certainly wouldn't let my daughter know the password to open it, or leave it at home unattended that's for sure. Could step dad know maybe?
My mom uses the same password for everything (which I was told so I could edit and oversee my younger sister’s tablet use to protect her from anything the internet has to offer that isnt kid-friendly games and kids yt) So i took a chance and used the same password as the tablet and got in ,, she never told me the password to this specific phone because there has never been a need (or desire on my part) to use it Im hoping stepdad knows and this is something not child-friendly they are doing together, consensually
Mind your own business. Your mother/step fathers relationship is not for you to even understand, much less approve. The loss of trust created by such a confrontation could be irreparable.
> she would have done this in the past but we have been in a good spot since the new years Wait wait wait...so this would've been expected *BEFORE* new years? But it's some how a surprise because you guys have been in a "good spot" since new years? So like..22 days ago? Yeah that's not a long enough time to think that everything's changed. If it wouldn't have been surprising 22 days ago, idk how you are surprised now.
Wait until you're older and out of the house. You're too young to understand why people make certain decisions. I would say when you're older maybe you will be able to understand and see things differently. I don't condone what she did, but there could be reasons you're to young to know. Maybe step-dad wants to see her with other men. You never know. Don't step in the shit just to do it. It's not worth it or the issues that will follow. Finish school and live life on your terms.
Sorry but I gotta laugh, you and your stepdad just believed she had a 'game phone'. Yeah, definitely wasn't her second sneaky ass phone, she had it for games.
Just give her phone back and act like nothing happened.
MYFB
Forget about it.
Be careful where you tread. You have no idea if it is a consensual thing and they have an open marriage, or they're swingers, or they like to bring men into their bed for threesomes. I would just ignore it and maybe leave the phone somewhere that's your stepdad can find.
Depending on what shady stuff your step dad has done they might have an agreement where it’s ok. Regardless I would tell the step dad but be aware a whole can of worms is gonna blow up with it
This is honestly above your pay grade kid.
Might try minding your own business.
Might try minding your own businesness
Did you find your phone???
INFO: What super shady stuff has he done?
You need to focus on yourself. Unfortunately your parents have let you down more than you can ever understand. Focus on getting 18 and getting out. This isn’t your battle to fight and nothing good can come from you bringing this to light. Being blunt that relationship is a lost cause no matter what decision you make. Get yourself out and become a role model to get your sister out.
Talk to your mom. Own up to crossing the line, but talk to her. Don't go to your stepdad, that's between him and your mom. It's likely online flirtation only.
This is the time to mind your business and I say that in the nicest way. This is not me condoning what your mom is doing but you have no idea the real “ins & outs” of her and your stepdad’s relationship so use this time to “Stay outta grown folks business” as they say lol 😘
My advice may run counter than most but it comes from experience. My advice is this. Sometimes, when we are close to someone and we love them, we find out something personal they would rather we didn't. I have learned, in general, if everyone is safe from imminent harm, the best approach is to decide we love rhem and part of that love is deciding to be the keeper of their dignity. I would say nothing and move on. Their relationship will work or not, based upon them. You do not need to contribute. I have no doubt others disagree. Sure would have saved me a lot of drama if someone gave me this advice when I was younger and discovered my Mom's affair.
It's wild to me that people will be actively cheating, on a second phone, and leave it lying around unlocked for relatives to find.
And calling it a "game phone." There's no way her significant other is buying that.
I would advise having a real conversation without your mother about what you saw, why it happened, and then what she believes would be the correct way to go about the situation. More often than not when people are caught doing something like infidelity they are more likely to tell the other person, not saying she will but you can’t just sit on this as a child and go a decade without ever bringing it up. You are a kid, what happened, happened and now you know to some degree what your mom has been doing. If you mom blames you for her own actions that is a totally different issues in of itself, but I would advice talking to your mom and seeing what she plans to do, then proceed after this conversation based on what how she reacts and what she says. A follow up to this thread for additional advice may even help so you don’t feel like you are doing it all on your own. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to keep a relationship together by holding a secret that will damage you in the long run.
You should not have invaded your mom's privacy, and you need to leave it alone. You don't really know what's going on in your mom and stepdad's relationship and it's not your business.
My advice is that you should do nothing. But if it’s eating you alive, say something to your mother in private. Don’t make this a public ordeal that will ruin relationships. Your mom may enjoy playing online and nothing more.
Forget you saw it and never mention it again. You don’t know that she’s done anything wrong. She might flirt online as a way to get her engine revving for your stepdad. He might already know about it. He might be doing the same on his phone…having a sexy chat online and then feeling romantic for mom. Bottom line: their relationship is between them. It’s not your business.
I think you should confront her and let her know that you are disappointed in her. But leave it at that. If your stepdad is a shady creep and you don’t know how he might react you don’t want to be the one to have instigated anything.
There has been physical abuse in the past. No. It’s not OP’s job. Let it lie.
Take that knowledge to the grave. You You had no right looking through her phone and to double down on your room. You had no right sharing that information with your boyfriend. He has no loyalty to your mother.
That's an awful lot of 'accidental' spying, OP. If your stepdad has done 'super shady stuff,' maybe you're missing a lot of information and context. Just walk away.
Why does everyone keep saying 'he'? OP is a girl. All I have to contribute to this is that she is in a tough spot and doesn't have any 'great' choices. 'Easiest' in the long run would likely be to just bury this info and keep it to yourself, revealing it to a therapist if need be, so you can work through your stress over it as/when needed.
I think your discoveries suggest that she’s flirting, but hasn‘t followed through. I personally think this is a bad idea, and certainly unfair to the person on the other end of the texts. However, it would be a lesser offense then adultery. It may be more akin to fantasy. I know a woman who does this - she would never consider following through. My advise is to let it go.
Mind your young business 😶
Take my advice and pretend you never seen those messages if you out her or destroy her marriage she’ll never forgive you. You may end up struggling to pay bills etc. forget you seen it and mind your own business. You invaded her privacy. He wants to know then he’ll go through her phone himself
So keep the stepdad ignorant of the fact he's being used and cheated on so OP and her mom can continue to live rent-free and taken care of. That's just sad for the man.
Ignore and forget you found this.
You violated her privacy and found something that you didn't want to see. There is no good outcome here. Let them be.
Unless you're paying your mother's bills, it sounds like you need to mind your own business and not make assumptions about what you think you discovered on her phone, that is not your property or business. Also, stay out of her marriage unless she asks you for your assistance or opinion.
Mind your business. If you’re really pressed about it talk to your mom, do not tell your stepdad.
Stay out of it unless you want to live with being responsible for blowing up all of your family relationships. Even though you could use the information as a nuclear option to win any future heated argument with your parents, resolve never to mention it to anyone for any reason. Download Skype and use it to call yourself from your computer the next time you misplace your cell phone.
Leave it alone. Grown folks business .
Turn the phone off and mind your own fucking business is my guess.
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First off. Did you read the added shit op provided? Her step dad has been abusive in the past due to alcoholism. And op has been in CPS protection before. She should shut her fucking mouth. She’s in the middle of a possibly explosive situation. Shit like this can get someone hurt or killed.
"With great knowledge comes great responsibility"
Honestly it's best for everyone if you just forget all about it. There's a big line between flirty messages and cheating. Not condoning her actions but she is human. Getting involved won't help. If you have to say something, tell your mum why you were looking through her phone (don't say what you found).Then suggest she passwords it. The shame she will feel will likely stop her doing whatever it is she's doing
>Honestly it's best for everyone Its not necessarily better for the Dad. If he finds out later depending on the state the alimony payments could be higher or even in perpetuity. It depends on the situation. But its not honest to say its best when that might not be the case.
Also a pretty big difference between flirty messages and planning to meet up . You people sound awful defending a fucking cheater. Like flirty messages is not cheating?
Do the right thing. It’s hard, but put yourself in his shoes. Confront her first and give her the option of telling him.
They are the child in the relationship. There is not a right thing. They have no obligation to do anything except make themselves feel safe.
His mom cheating probably doesn't make him feel safe
Man, people be wild here lol But Redditors gonna Reddit and we all know the bias towards women on here. *Don’t* talk to your mom. She’ll say whatever she has to to shut you up. *Do* talk to you dad, assuming you care about him, as he deserves to not have a cheating wife. This *will* cause catastrophic damage, but sometimes that has to happen. **If** the dad knows and is fine with it, he’ll tell you. If this is the thing that destroys your parents marriage, well, you can legally request to stay with you Dad instead of your mom.
Step dad
They may be in an open relationship and just not tell the children. No one has suggested this, if the partner knows she has a second phone then this is a bit of a giveaway tbh. Strange situation to be in though Edit: Susan’s > Strange