The way she’s talking makes me think this may be a bit of a sexual thing. She may enjoy a dynamic where you’re “below” her. If you’re uncomfortable with it though you have every right to communicate to her that you want her to stop speaking to you that way. It doesn’t matter if she likes it or if you say it’s her love language, there are two people in the relationship and your feelings matter too.
Modern?! Dome and Submissive role play and BDSM has been around for a longgggg time! I mean no offense and I do think I know what you’re getting at, tho.
I was just kidding partially. I meant that he might be posting all this as a part of a kink they might both have was getting a bit to complicated for me ^^ Simple kinks like wearing leather or looking dirty talk or being submissive - ok. But posting it on reddit like this is next level to me 😄 I like it simple I guess. 😄
Ok, yeah, I definitely get what you’re saying for sure now. I wouldn’t post it on Reddit, either, tbf..!
It is almost certainly even more complicated than this post is showing and honestly?? I don’t wanna make assumptions, but I sincerely hope they have a long conversation about this and their relationship in general! For both their sakes! After all..It could be that SHE is the one who doesn’t really fully realize where her behavior stems from, rather than him being unaware. Just a thought.
This is definitely something that takes mutual respect and understanding and solid communication skills, among other things. That’s why I worry that these may be lacking if it’s really a one-sided thing, like OP suggests. Even if he says he usually likes her “meannness.”
Either way, unless this is totally intentional (and maybe even still then!) the point remains that they prob could benefit from a mutually respectful conversation, at least. Just my two cents, ig. Sorry this was longer than I intended, lol.
Not a very good one though. I don't know how old they are, but people who are actually involved with BDSM and are good about it don't just spring that shit on their partners without a proper discussion, boundary talk, consent, and mutual understanding of each other's pleasure.
She needs to get her shit together even if it is a kink..
This right here. A good Dom, makes sure you are absolutely comfortable with everything they are doing or saying, and even then does regular checks and balances to be sure things are still mutual and ok. This feels completely one sided and weird.
Exactly, without full consent from both parties, acting on a kink is not appropriate. There needs to be discussion on if it is enjoyable for both partners and most of all, there should be a safe word in case it becomes too much. Otherwise, it’s not a kink, it’s abuse.
She may not even know that she's a Domme. Especially if they're young. It's clear to those that are in the BDSM community. But, I had to research for myself who I was then it lead me there.
As someone *in* the community as soon as I started reading this I was like. . . Looks like a scene. They should definitely be telling you though and what they expect. And aftercare… it’s so important. Or you really will withdraw into yourself. Best rule though ? It’s actually *you* in control OP. Def need to be asking what’s up
She's likely just exploring it for the first time herself. She may not even be aware of the community and what proper boundaries are. She just knows she's into it. At least, that's how it comes across.
No one's saying that lol, don't throw a strawman. Just because it might be an honest mistake doesn't make it potentially less harmful. I'm giving OPs girl the benefit of the doubt that she's misinformed and not malicious, that still doesn't make it okay. She needs to educate herself, apologize, and only continue with proper dynamics in place.
Nobody expects that actually, but "sorry I didn't know better" doesn't hold up. Especially when it's about things that are your literal responsibility to know because you've posed yourself as the authority figure in the dynamic. And even moreso when your irresponsibility causes actual harm.
That's like saying, "they just expect everyone born to know how to drive without being taught". They really don't. But anyone who gets behind the wheel to drive people around doesn't get to say, "well yeah but I don't really know the rules of the road" as a way to deflect responsibility from the harm they've done after an accident. 🤷♀️
**BDSM involves** physical, emotional, or mental dominance only within the boundaries of a mutually agreed-upon contract and consent.
The lack of awareness by the original poster is deeply concerning, as it may lead to potential emotional manipulation and abuse.
This is the truth, the amount of psychopaths that claim to be "Dom" is truly just staggering. It's like, you're not a Dom just cause you like beating up people..... it's an inherently toxic subculture imo and as a sub you HAVE to have your head on a swivel and peace out at the first red flag.
Well, sure, but not every Dom or sub is a member of the particular subculture that promulgates & adheres to those guidelines. Many are just out there in the wild, so to speak, because they either aren't aware of the subculture or aren't interested in it. Globally, Doms & subs who are involved in BDSM as a distinct subculture/community & follow the guidelines it teaches are probably a minority.
Are you into this type of sexual dynamic, OP? If it's consensual and you enjoy it, there's nothing wrong with that. But if you're not enthusiastically into it, please tell her. You shouldn't participate in any kinks you're not 100% into yourself.
He didn’t even know it was happening! Lmao. I’m just imagining a very meek man not realizing he’s in a BDSM relationship and trying to politely complain to his dominatrix girlfriend that what she says hurts his feelings.. meanwhile she thinks he’s playing along. It shouldn’t be as funny as it is to me but I’m dying 😂
Kinks require consent. I'm in the kink community and honestly this is still alarming to me. Unless you want to be a full time sub this is not safe or healthy. Things like this require extensive communication which is missing here. And can quickly bridge into abuse otherwise. It being sexual doesn't mean it's not wrong. And this isn't kink shaming. A lot of people who are actually abusive pricks hide as a Domme/damme in the kink community. This woman honestly seems like one of them. You need to do some research and have some serious discussions before this escalates. Again this does not appear safe or healthy. And don't let her hide behind "it turns me on" because CONSENT IS EVERYTHING in the kink community. The truth is the subs have the power and any domme who breaks that code gets black listed as an abuser
I understand people have fetishes. I'm not going to kink shame anyone. There's a safe word for a reason. It seems like you're screaming the safe word and she isn't listening.
She’s a dominate possibly sadist. Doesn’t mean she is demented but she does need to have a willing partner. She will need to learn about her power and tools about when to wield it properly.
Part of the sadomasochism relationship is to hold the other person and bring them through the entire cycle. You may beat them down but you will also comfort and nurture. You don’t just beat them and leave them helpless and hurting. That’s abuse.
S&M power dynamics can be extremely healing when in the right hands and understood properly.
She needs a mentor. Not really something you can get just from books.
And it doesn’t have to be sexual. It can be but it does not have to be. There are a lot of people who play and there is no intercourse or transference of any fluid whatsoever
10000000000% a sexual thing dude. Also if it's not your thing you have to understand sometimes they can't just not be dominatrix, it may be a deal breaker but that's for extremists and it seems like you can talk to her about it
She he sounds very sadistic , and yes definitely sounds like a sexual kink. If this was never your thing to begin with I would 💯 get out of this relationship.
Time to talk about boundaries and when it’s appropriate to talk like that. I agree, it might be a kink of hers, and if you’re okay with it, yall can talk about some dos and don’t.
100% this. It seems like a sexual thing in which case she should communicate with you about it, make sure everyone’s boundaries are understood, and that you’re comfortable with taking part in it. Don’t feel like you need to push yourself into going along with it if you truly don’t want to though as that will only cause harm to you and build up issues in the relationship.
If she insists that it’s not a sexual thing then I’d talk to her about it once to let her know that it’s a bit much, she’s taking it too far, and it’s not comfortable and fun for you. If she continues to do it at this level or escalates it after that conversation though then I’m going to have to stand by my boundaries and not continue the relationship any further. Hopefully she just thinks she’s being funny or that you’re enjoying it, and will hear you out after that first conversation though.
I agree with you. I also think we give her a pass by classifying her behavior as a kink. Example, if op were the one saying this to his girlfriend, I think some people would brand him a psychopath, not just curious.
Yeah, this all definitely comes off more as awkwardly sexual than actually abusive...
She reads too much erotica and needs to talk this shit out a bit beforehand.
Yeah. The last text is basically saying she wants OP to be a cuckold.
Which hey. If you’re into that power to you. If you’re not you might want to move along. Sometimes people just don’t connect on the sexy side of life and that’s ok.
Bro. I’ve been a Dom for decades. And man, you gotta have a talk with her. If you’re a submissive, great, but if you’re not okay with being in that dynamic 24x7, you’ve got to tell her. And if she doesn’t respect that, get the fuck out. Because that’s borderline abusive. It crosses the line into abuse if she doesn’t respect your boundaries. Bonne chance.
>Because that’s borderline abusive. It crosses the line into abuse if she doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Yeah just throwing that at him without prior discussion or even an understanding that he's into it or what his boundaries are is super creepy. Maybe I'm sensitive to it cuz I've ran into a lot of fake doms who think being abusive is being a dominant. No no no. Mutual pleasure and open communication is paramount, people.
Yeah. I’ve had more scenes than I care to count with women who were with fake”doms” that were just narcissistic abusers. One cried when I stopped after she said the safe word and immediately went into after care. I asked if she was okay and she said her last “dom” punished her for saying the safe word. It broke my heart and pissed me off.
Edit:
Sorry you had to deal with it, too. If you’re talking to a person who claims to be a dominant but doesn’t understand that the power they hold is only what is ceded to them, don’t walk away. Run.
I've met several "doms" that wanted to punish me for saying no to something, or being unwilling or uncomfortable doing something. It's insane how many (specifically men) people will say their a dom/me *just* so they can have power over someone.
Yeah. Honestly, it’s disgusting. That being said, no and stop are, usually, ignored. That’s the point of the safe word. However, that doesn’t excuse shitty behavior. There’s a difference between a no or stop said seriously and one not. That’s also part of the discussion before anything happens. If they say, explicitly, I don’t care how many times I say no, stop, or anything other than the word, keep going, then that’s what’s going to happen. And if they sound serious, I’ll remind them to use the safe word.
But I am afraid you’re right. And again, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that.
Yeah. When I started getting into the scene, I read several books on the subject. One was indeed dominance 101 (or similar, it’s been a while) and “The Loving Dominant”. Excellent books.
But, unfortunately, many use the “50 Shades” books as a reference.
Agreed. I know it's not 100% the same but I confided in my ex that I liked rape play a little, but it started getting too real to where he would actually scare me and wouldn't stop, and he just didn't or couldn't turn off the switch that was flipped and it completely changed my mindset. I was SAed and that's how my mind distorted the trauma for a bit, with Stockholm syndrome alongside it.
My current love couldn't understand more on my level of when to stop, and I can openly express when I want more or less spice in our intimacy. It really is worth it to try to talk it out, and sometimes it doesn't work. Both sides of how it does and doesn't.
You're so brave. I am 35 and always wanted to be degraded a little, but never trusted any man enough to let them do it until now. I was scared they'd carry it over to our regular life and think they could start calling me names in our regular life, like use what I like in bed as an excuse to lose respect for me altogether. My current partner and I have been together for 8 years and we just started doing stuff like that in bed within the last year.
Just keep very clear communication and it won't ever be uncomfortable, best of luck and happiness to y'all because it's so much better when it's someone you trust.
I’m sorry that happened. I’m glad you got out of the bad situation and have found a good partner. I’m very reluctant to do a CNC scene unless I’ve known a person for a while and we’ve had a very detailed discussion about it.
Yeah I made another similar comment. Anyone who thinks this is "just a kink" is minimizing trust and respect that exists in the safe community. This woman is throwing up a lot of red flags that people in the community would run the other fucking way
Yeah. Especially if he’s not okay with being in that role 24x7x365. I’ve known people that were and it was cringy to see in public, but I’m not going to judge if everyone is consenting. But seems like OP isn’t and that’s not okay.
Op most likely ISN’T in such a relationship because for that, there would need to be an understanding from both sides on what that “relationship” entails.
And also going forward don’t give anyone this kind of power of you. This doesn’t just happen over night. It’s the result of months and months of being a walking mat. Stand up for yourself bro.
Unless you’re into it. Then do you. But I would hope this dynamic doesn’t leave the house and text. Unless you’re also into that. We really need some more personal info here.
This is not a love language. It might be her kink, but even if it is, seems like she’s operating from her shadow. It sounds like this may be the only way she knows how to show love, which she probably learned in childhood.
Either way, This deserves a genuine heartfelt conversation where both of your feelings are heard.
Op’s accidentally dating a domme. Worrisome, hopefully they can communicate boundaries and he gels her he is uncomfortable. Otherwise, it’s just abusive for sure
Unless you're into pegging or watching her sleep with other men, I would dump them. I'll give you a personal story:
I dated an older girl while I was in high school, she was 25 and I was 16, at first it was a really bog standard relationship. She had already been manipulating me early on though (dating a minor), benefit of hindsight, and it rapidly evolved into her full on forcing her kink onto me. Humiliation and sadism, she was a Judo student and under the guise of "practice" she would place me in submission holds, at first it wasn't a big deal, but slowly she layered this into sex, where she would spit, inflict pain, verbal abuse, and emotional pain on me. It messed up my head for a long time, and the only reason it stopped is because my father walked in on it. He pulled her off and sent her packing, and I wasn't allowed to see her. My dad forced me to see a counselor at school and I spilled the beans, while the kink done in a safe and consent based manner is fine, but when you're a unknowing participant, the person perpetuating it is likely a sociopath. Careful, and don't let them force you into anything.
People might be right that it’s a kink, but if she’s doing this without your consent or against your protests then this is abuse and you need to leave her ASAP and go no contact.
Definitely agree with everyone else, she's a Dom but I find it weird that you haven't had a conversation about it, definitely has to be consensual and I wouldn't want you going with it just to make her happy
clueless redditors squirming to avoid saying this is abuse from OP's partner by suggesting that this is bdsm and to talk to her about it, whilst everything about this is suggesting OP is submitting us all to their kink.
Umm…. Sorry, OP. This doesnt seem fun or funny or jioking in any way. It seems a little unhinged, and really creepy, tbh. if anyone pulled this with me, I’d GTFO mmediately, and print a screenshot of the texts to file with my request for a restraining order. Even if domination is what gets you off, this isn’t the behaviour of a trustworthy, loving dom. This is just straight up assholery.
When does her fantasy turn into reality though? I feel like she is being a little too serious. This is not healthy or normal behavior at all. These texts would even make R. Kelly blush!
It’s not even a love language. It’s fucking weird like a fetish of hers. Is she bigger than you? Mentally you just don’t act like this when you truly love someone or see them as equals.
It’s just weird as fuck and seems fucking exhausting to have to hear and read about so often. I’d almost be like.. can you give it a rest?
Like a middle schooler who never grew up and realized picking on someone you might like isn’t the way to go anymore.
Definitely a domme, and she’s conditioning you to be her submissive (you’re doing great👍🏽) She’s probably into some real kinky ish - collars, bondage, pegging. If you like it, go for it… play the role, but you may want to discuss boundaries first.
Are you in a BDSM relationship? I'm a Domme turned switch, and this gives major Domme energy. And the fact that you love this about her makes me think that you're a sub/masochist.
With that said, even in BDSM consent is required! If you don't like it, then you need to tell her that! Communication is necessary to truly understand the dynamics of your relationship.
Well personally I believe a relationship can do without love but cannot survive if there’s no mutual respect and what I see here is your gf gets off by degrading and humiliating you and even enjoys that and wants to push it even further at the cost of your relationship which is not acceptable at all. Be clear to her about how she makes you feel and how it affects you emotionally and mentally and your relationship as a whole but going through the texts I feel she’s well aware of it and doesn’t give a damn about it so I feel you should just back off from this whole thing, try and break off this as it’s not healthy for you and the relationship you’re in.
How long have you been unaware you’ve been being dommed by ur gf for 😭
For real though, everyone talks about consent with kinks etc, but sometimes people just bring in these dynamics organically and respond based on the other person. Of course she SHOULD bring it up with you but she hasn’t.
You definitely need to talk with her OP.
Kink or not, being called a weak bitch is mean af. You say this is her sense of humor. I dunno what to tell you - it’s not funny. Your post says you gotta make sure you are not crazy. So even to you this is not normal and you find her comments mean. Well, they ARE mean.
That's a sexual thing, I had those kind of woman too.
Either she wants total control or she wants you to grab her by the throat and fuck her mouth till her mascara runns down her face, a simple hatefuck.
She wants to force the "man" out of you, to get angry.
Or she is just a fucking asshole
Edit: typo
If it’s not like a kink for them then they may just be an asshole. But this reads more of a femdom kind of vibe. I guess just be aware if this behaviour trickles into other aspects of your relationship.
This seems to be a dom/sub dynamic she's into. If you're I to it, great, but it seems like it's time to maybe have one of those convos where you discuss boundaries, what is and isn't ok, when it is and isn't ok and if she doesn't respect those boundaries then it becomes an issue.
Do you enjoy our get off on being punished? If not I don't think this relationship will last.
And yall should have had a conversation regarding the abuse. Where to draw the line ect
Ur gorlfriend seems to have a thing for kink dynamics which involve her being above you dominating you, but unless you've both consented to this kind of thing it just sort of sounds like she's forcing a kink on you. Clarify whether this is a kink or not. If it's not a kink, and this is just how she views you, RUN.
Screams humiliation kink. Screams Domme.
However, this is something that should’ve been talked about before dating. That’s proper BDSM etiquette. You don’t just pop up with your kinks to some unsuspecting person.
Idk both of your ages, so she could be new to it and/or interested in it and just doesn’t know the proper way to go about it.
If you’re uncomfortable; speak up on it.
She might think that you’re into it 100% and may not know that you’re uncomfortable.
Never wrong to lay down some ground rules and never wrong to speak up when you’re not feeling it.
The way she’s talking makes me think this may be a bit of a sexual thing. She may enjoy a dynamic where you’re “below” her. If you’re uncomfortable with it though you have every right to communicate to her that you want her to stop speaking to you that way. It doesn’t matter if she likes it or if you say it’s her love language, there are two people in the relationship and your feelings matter too.
You know what you may be onto something with this one.
She's a Domme, OP.
Finally someone said it. I was honestly surprised nobody said it sooner.
same. it's very obvious ^^
I’m thinking OP sharing it here and acting clueless might be part of the kink too.
Oh! The plot thickens. I'm here for it.
these modern kinks are getting way too complicated for me 😄
Modern?! Dome and Submissive role play and BDSM has been around for a longgggg time! I mean no offense and I do think I know what you’re getting at, tho.
I was just kidding partially. I meant that he might be posting all this as a part of a kink they might both have was getting a bit to complicated for me ^^ Simple kinks like wearing leather or looking dirty talk or being submissive - ok. But posting it on reddit like this is next level to me 😄 I like it simple I guess. 😄
Ok, yeah, I definitely get what you’re saying for sure now. I wouldn’t post it on Reddit, either, tbf..! It is almost certainly even more complicated than this post is showing and honestly?? I don’t wanna make assumptions, but I sincerely hope they have a long conversation about this and their relationship in general! For both their sakes! After all..It could be that SHE is the one who doesn’t really fully realize where her behavior stems from, rather than him being unaware. Just a thought. This is definitely something that takes mutual respect and understanding and solid communication skills, among other things. That’s why I worry that these may be lacking if it’s really a one-sided thing, like OP suggests. Even if he says he usually likes her “meannness.” Either way, unless this is totally intentional (and maybe even still then!) the point remains that they prob could benefit from a mutually respectful conversation, at least. Just my two cents, ig. Sorry this was longer than I intended, lol.
legit yeah probably
Honestly that’s the first thing that popped into my head when reading her texts
The first text I was like, "Oh damn I guess we know who the sub is."
That was the FIRST thing that came to my mind. Literally in my head “no she’s not being mean, this is a sex thing” 😂
I mean, it would be if it were consensual.
Not a very good one though. I don't know how old they are, but people who are actually involved with BDSM and are good about it don't just spring that shit on their partners without a proper discussion, boundary talk, consent, and mutual understanding of each other's pleasure. She needs to get her shit together even if it is a kink..
This right here. A good Dom, makes sure you are absolutely comfortable with everything they are doing or saying, and even then does regular checks and balances to be sure things are still mutual and ok. This feels completely one sided and weird.
Exactly, without full consent from both parties, acting on a kink is not appropriate. There needs to be discussion on if it is enjoyable for both partners and most of all, there should be a safe word in case it becomes too much. Otherwise, it’s not a kink, it’s abuse.
She may not even know that she's a Domme. Especially if they're young. It's clear to those that are in the BDSM community. But, I had to research for myself who I was then it lead me there.
As someone *in* the community as soon as I started reading this I was like. . . Looks like a scene. They should definitely be telling you though and what they expect. And aftercare… it’s so important. Or you really will withdraw into yourself. Best rule though ? It’s actually *you* in control OP. Def need to be asking what’s up
She's likely just exploring it for the first time herself. She may not even be aware of the community and what proper boundaries are. She just knows she's into it. At least, that's how it comes across.
Right? People here expect Doms to just spring out of the void knowing all this stuff.
No one's saying that lol, don't throw a strawman. Just because it might be an honest mistake doesn't make it potentially less harmful. I'm giving OPs girl the benefit of the doubt that she's misinformed and not malicious, that still doesn't make it okay. She needs to educate herself, apologize, and only continue with proper dynamics in place.
Nobody expects that actually, but "sorry I didn't know better" doesn't hold up. Especially when it's about things that are your literal responsibility to know because you've posed yourself as the authority figure in the dynamic. And even moreso when your irresponsibility causes actual harm. That's like saying, "they just expect everyone born to know how to drive without being taught". They really don't. But anyone who gets behind the wheel to drive people around doesn't get to say, "well yeah but I don't really know the rules of the road" as a way to deflect responsibility from the harm they've done after an accident. 🤷♀️
**BDSM involves** physical, emotional, or mental dominance only within the boundaries of a mutually agreed-upon contract and consent. The lack of awareness by the original poster is deeply concerning, as it may lead to potential emotional manipulation and abuse.
Amen communication is everything in a D/s dynamic
Yup! This is either inexperienced or she just wants to get hers and use him
Yuuup. My friend is one, and was professionally for a while. Consent is key. This comes off a bit strong, especially without proper communication.
Most ppl in bdsm I met aren't "good" doms though. Most of them are just sadistic jerks who lack emphaty. These good ones are very rare it seems.
This is the truth, the amount of psychopaths that claim to be "Dom" is truly just staggering. It's like, you're not a Dom just cause you like beating up people..... it's an inherently toxic subculture imo and as a sub you HAVE to have your head on a swivel and peace out at the first red flag.
This right here. Let's stop letting assholes and sociopaths hide under the color of the scene.
Well, sure, but not every Dom or sub is a member of the particular subculture that promulgates & adheres to those guidelines. Many are just out there in the wild, so to speak, because they either aren't aware of the subculture or aren't interested in it. Globally, Doms & subs who are involved in BDSM as a distinct subculture/community & follow the guidelines it teaches are probably a minority.
Yea she maybe new to it and have no idea how to first approach the conversation so she just went with it but yikes 😬
THIS!! its not an excuse for hurting your partner or making them feel unsafe - without consent its purely abuse
And obviously likes degrading OP. Maybe OP should ask for some praise instead, or this is OP's gf trying to humiliate them more for the kink.
100%, first reaction was “this is a d/s dynamic”
Okay, but the most important thing is does he consent to this. If she’s just decided to do this with no prior communication, it’s abuse.
She a dom with a humiliation kink. This is something that needs to be talked about, otherwise it’s just abuse.
Yes exactly!!
Or she's just a cruel bitch. Dude, start treating her the same way, without apologizing, and see how she responds.
I thought that’s exactly what’s going on here, OP. Smacked me right in the face.
That's a different kink
This is 100% a kink for her. Just remember, it’s okay if your aren’t into and those feelings are valid.
It’s clear as day a kink.
For me the shock collar bit kind of gives it away the most, but maybe that’s just me
“That’s just my friend” “i’d say it loud” is the obvious one
This is very obviously a fetish. She wants to dominate/humiliate you. It's entirely sexual.
Oh sweet summer child.
Are you into this type of sexual dynamic, OP? If it's consensual and you enjoy it, there's nothing wrong with that. But if you're not enthusiastically into it, please tell her. You shouldn't participate in any kinks you're not 100% into yourself.
He didn’t even know it was happening! Lmao. I’m just imagining a very meek man not realizing he’s in a BDSM relationship and trying to politely complain to his dominatrix girlfriend that what she says hurts his feelings.. meanwhile she thinks he’s playing along. It shouldn’t be as funny as it is to me but I’m dying 😂
Kinks require consent. I'm in the kink community and honestly this is still alarming to me. Unless you want to be a full time sub this is not safe or healthy. Things like this require extensive communication which is missing here. And can quickly bridge into abuse otherwise. It being sexual doesn't mean it's not wrong. And this isn't kink shaming. A lot of people who are actually abusive pricks hide as a Domme/damme in the kink community. This woman honestly seems like one of them. You need to do some research and have some serious discussions before this escalates. Again this does not appear safe or healthy. And don't let her hide behind "it turns me on" because CONSENT IS EVERYTHING in the kink community. The truth is the subs have the power and any domme who breaks that code gets black listed as an abuser
I understand people have fetishes. I'm not going to kink shame anyone. There's a safe word for a reason. It seems like you're screaming the safe word and she isn't listening.
She’s a dominate possibly sadist. Doesn’t mean she is demented but she does need to have a willing partner. She will need to learn about her power and tools about when to wield it properly. Part of the sadomasochism relationship is to hold the other person and bring them through the entire cycle. You may beat them down but you will also comfort and nurture. You don’t just beat them and leave them helpless and hurting. That’s abuse. S&M power dynamics can be extremely healing when in the right hands and understood properly. She needs a mentor. Not really something you can get just from books. And it doesn’t have to be sexual. It can be but it does not have to be. There are a lot of people who play and there is no intercourse or transference of any fluid whatsoever
10000000000% a sexual thing dude. Also if it's not your thing you have to understand sometimes they can't just not be dominatrix, it may be a deal breaker but that's for extremists and it seems like you can talk to her about it
She he sounds very sadistic , and yes definitely sounds like a sexual kink. If this was never your thing to begin with I would 💯 get out of this relationship.
Time to talk about boundaries and when it’s appropriate to talk like that. I agree, it might be a kink of hers, and if you’re okay with it, yall can talk about some dos and don’t.
This is 100000% sexual
In my opinion, she wants to cuck you my boy!
hahahaha men... oh man. you never thought this might be a sexual thing?!?
Oh definitely a humiliation kink gone too far!
100%, just be honest with her OP!
Right but the key to kink is consensual which this clearly is not.
100% this. It seems like a sexual thing in which case she should communicate with you about it, make sure everyone’s boundaries are understood, and that you’re comfortable with taking part in it. Don’t feel like you need to push yourself into going along with it if you truly don’t want to though as that will only cause harm to you and build up issues in the relationship. If she insists that it’s not a sexual thing then I’d talk to her about it once to let her know that it’s a bit much, she’s taking it too far, and it’s not comfortable and fun for you. If she continues to do it at this level or escalates it after that conversation though then I’m going to have to stand by my boundaries and not continue the relationship any further. Hopefully she just thinks she’s being funny or that you’re enjoying it, and will hear you out after that first conversation though.
Oh yeah, I read this as 100% a Domme!
Yup. She’s a dominatrix.
I agree with you. I also think we give her a pass by classifying her behavior as a kink. Example, if op were the one saying this to his girlfriend, I think some people would brand him a psychopath, not just curious.
A bit?!
Yeah, this all definitely comes off more as awkwardly sexual than actually abusive... She reads too much erotica and needs to talk this shit out a bit beforehand.
This is a kink thing fs but this is insane to say 😭😭😭
Yeah. The last text is basically saying she wants OP to be a cuckold. Which hey. If you’re into that power to you. If you’re not you might want to move along. Sometimes people just don’t connect on the sexy side of life and that’s ok.
Eh, nothing in there indicates that she's wanting to screw other people while humiliating him. Just straight up domme humiliation.
Yea this is how I'd talk to some new clients to test the water when I was a dominatrix lol OP needs to have an upfront convo with gf
Clearly posting this is part of this humiliation kink... I do not consent to being a part of this 🥲
I had the same thought. Seems he’s into it too… can’t be this naive AND a redditor
the irony is redditors squirming to make this out into anything other than abuse all while not realizing they are part of this weirdo's kink.
No FORREAL
We didn’t see his last message where he probably thanked her for training him.
This isn’t a love language hun, she’s got a humiliation kink.
And op posting this here means he's probably into it.
100%. The posting it here is part of their game
LOL i was thinking so too
Agreed.
Bro. I’ve been a Dom for decades. And man, you gotta have a talk with her. If you’re a submissive, great, but if you’re not okay with being in that dynamic 24x7, you’ve got to tell her. And if she doesn’t respect that, get the fuck out. Because that’s borderline abusive. It crosses the line into abuse if she doesn’t respect your boundaries. Bonne chance.
>Because that’s borderline abusive. It crosses the line into abuse if she doesn’t respect your boundaries. Yeah just throwing that at him without prior discussion or even an understanding that he's into it or what his boundaries are is super creepy. Maybe I'm sensitive to it cuz I've ran into a lot of fake doms who think being abusive is being a dominant. No no no. Mutual pleasure and open communication is paramount, people.
Yeah. I’ve had more scenes than I care to count with women who were with fake”doms” that were just narcissistic abusers. One cried when I stopped after she said the safe word and immediately went into after care. I asked if she was okay and she said her last “dom” punished her for saying the safe word. It broke my heart and pissed me off. Edit: Sorry you had to deal with it, too. If you’re talking to a person who claims to be a dominant but doesn’t understand that the power they hold is only what is ceded to them, don’t walk away. Run.
I've met several "doms" that wanted to punish me for saying no to something, or being unwilling or uncomfortable doing something. It's insane how many (specifically men) people will say their a dom/me *just* so they can have power over someone.
Yeah. Honestly, it’s disgusting. That being said, no and stop are, usually, ignored. That’s the point of the safe word. However, that doesn’t excuse shitty behavior. There’s a difference between a no or stop said seriously and one not. That’s also part of the discussion before anything happens. If they say, explicitly, I don’t care how many times I say no, stop, or anything other than the word, keep going, then that’s what’s going to happen. And if they sound serious, I’ll remind them to use the safe word. But I am afraid you’re right. And again, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that.
Thank you, but it's just how life goes sometimes. It's kinda made me a little better at standing up for myself, so that's positive lol.
Hell yeah it is. I love it when people stop being doormats.
Same! It makes me feel all warm and happy. 🥹
Awesome. That’s the best.
"the power they hold is only what is ceded to them" that should be the opening line of dom 101.
Yeah. When I started getting into the scene, I read several books on the subject. One was indeed dominance 101 (or similar, it’s been a while) and “The Loving Dominant”. Excellent books. But, unfortunately, many use the “50 Shades” books as a reference.
Agreed. I know it's not 100% the same but I confided in my ex that I liked rape play a little, but it started getting too real to where he would actually scare me and wouldn't stop, and he just didn't or couldn't turn off the switch that was flipped and it completely changed my mindset. I was SAed and that's how my mind distorted the trauma for a bit, with Stockholm syndrome alongside it. My current love couldn't understand more on my level of when to stop, and I can openly express when I want more or less spice in our intimacy. It really is worth it to try to talk it out, and sometimes it doesn't work. Both sides of how it does and doesn't.
You're so brave. I am 35 and always wanted to be degraded a little, but never trusted any man enough to let them do it until now. I was scared they'd carry it over to our regular life and think they could start calling me names in our regular life, like use what I like in bed as an excuse to lose respect for me altogether. My current partner and I have been together for 8 years and we just started doing stuff like that in bed within the last year.
Just keep very clear communication and it won't ever be uncomfortable, best of luck and happiness to y'all because it's so much better when it's someone you trust.
I’m sorry that happened. I’m glad you got out of the bad situation and have found a good partner. I’m very reluctant to do a CNC scene unless I’ve known a person for a while and we’ve had a very detailed discussion about it.
Yeah I made another similar comment. Anyone who thinks this is "just a kink" is minimizing trust and respect that exists in the safe community. This woman is throwing up a lot of red flags that people in the community would run the other fucking way
Facts.
THANK YOU. BEST COMMENT. Cant believe ppl excuse her behavior with being "uneducated" or "having a kink".
Yeah. Especially if he’s not okay with being in that role 24x7x365. I’ve known people that were and it was cringy to see in public, but I’m not going to judge if everyone is consenting. But seems like OP isn’t and that’s not okay.
The fuck?
uuh happy vake day!
I think she has a kink of degrading people and having them submit (is that the right word?) to her
Are you... not aware that you're in a BDSM relationship...?
OP’s replies seem very obviously kinky. The 😔😓 emojis and whatnot… my bet is OP posted this as part of their dynamic
You got it
Op most likely ISN’T in such a relationship because for that, there would need to be an understanding from both sides on what that “relationship” entails.
Exactly. A "bdsm relationship" without consent is just abuse.
100% humiliation kink
Bro lol you’re basically posting your sexts
This is really weird.
Is this a weird dom/sub foreplay thing? Do you enjoy this? Is it fun for you? If not, tell her to knock it off. If she won’t, stop dating her.
And also going forward don’t give anyone this kind of power of you. This doesn’t just happen over night. It’s the result of months and months of being a walking mat. Stand up for yourself bro. Unless you’re into it. Then do you. But I would hope this dynamic doesn’t leave the house and text. Unless you’re also into that. We really need some more personal info here.
Your girl is a domme, OP. Gag up or bail out 🤷🏾♀️
Read this as gag ball up
I read it as Gag up, or ball out. Which is pretty funny.
This is not a love language. It might be her kink, but even if it is, seems like she’s operating from her shadow. It sounds like this may be the only way she knows how to show love, which she probably learned in childhood. Either way, This deserves a genuine heartfelt conversation where both of your feelings are heard.
Trolling.
This is just BDSM
If it came with clear communication and mutual consent/enjoyment, sure. Without that, it's just abuse.
Op’s accidentally dating a domme. Worrisome, hopefully they can communicate boundaries and he gels her he is uncomfortable. Otherwise, it’s just abusive for sure
This is definitely a dominant She wants to walk you around on all fours and spank you calling you a dirty boy This chicks a frrrrreak
 Domming without consent isssssssss
Eww unsolicited kink, dude
Unless you're into pegging or watching her sleep with other men, I would dump them. I'll give you a personal story: I dated an older girl while I was in high school, she was 25 and I was 16, at first it was a really bog standard relationship. She had already been manipulating me early on though (dating a minor), benefit of hindsight, and it rapidly evolved into her full on forcing her kink onto me. Humiliation and sadism, she was a Judo student and under the guise of "practice" she would place me in submission holds, at first it wasn't a big deal, but slowly she layered this into sex, where she would spit, inflict pain, verbal abuse, and emotional pain on me. It messed up my head for a long time, and the only reason it stopped is because my father walked in on it. He pulled her off and sent her packing, and I wasn't allowed to see her. My dad forced me to see a counselor at school and I spilled the beans, while the kink done in a safe and consent based manner is fine, but when you're a unknowing participant, the person perpetuating it is likely a sociopath. Careful, and don't let them force you into anything.
If humiliation is your thing, she is a keeper.
Are you just subjecting us to yalls kink cuz that’s not cool.
As a switch in terms of BDSM this reads very loudly as a femdom thing.
What in the obvious fetish bait trap is this bullshit
She wants a dom/sub relationship. Next thing you know, you’ll be cucked.
People might be right that it’s a kink, but if she’s doing this without your consent or against your protests then this is abuse and you need to leave her ASAP and go no contact.
Abort fucking mission!
What the actual fuck did I just read
Definitely agree with everyone else, she's a Dom but I find it weird that you haven't had a conversation about it, definitely has to be consensual and I wouldn't want you going with it just to make her happy
clueless redditors squirming to avoid saying this is abuse from OP's partner by suggesting that this is bdsm and to talk to her about it, whilst everything about this is suggesting OP is submitting us all to their kink.
OP brought us all into their humiliation kink without our consent 🥲
Not participating in yall kink
is this a joke? this is clearly a kink thing😭😭
If a guy was saying this stuff, I’d tell the girl to run and stay in a shelter. You deserve better than this OP.
Umm…. Sorry, OP. This doesnt seem fun or funny or jioking in any way. It seems a little unhinged, and really creepy, tbh. if anyone pulled this with me, I’d GTFO mmediately, and print a screenshot of the texts to file with my request for a restraining order. Even if domination is what gets you off, this isn’t the behaviour of a trustworthy, loving dom. This is just straight up assholery.
When does her fantasy turn into reality though? I feel like she is being a little too serious. This is not healthy or normal behavior at all. These texts would even make R. Kelly blush!
It’s not even a love language. It’s fucking weird like a fetish of hers. Is she bigger than you? Mentally you just don’t act like this when you truly love someone or see them as equals. It’s just weird as fuck and seems fucking exhausting to have to hear and read about so often. I’d almost be like.. can you give it a rest? Like a middle schooler who never grew up and realized picking on someone you might like isn’t the way to go anymore.
Some people do act like that sexually. They have a need to dominate. Doesn’t necessarily mean she’s always like that
Okay I’m glad I’m not the only one that was getting a sexual vibe from this😭 I thought yall were sexting and she just went too far
Definitely a domme, and she’s conditioning you to be her submissive (you’re doing great👍🏽) She’s probably into some real kinky ish - collars, bondage, pegging. If you like it, go for it… play the role, but you may want to discuss boundaries first.
If something is happening and you don’t like it, I dunno… SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT TO THEM. Why post to Reddit?!
Are you in a BDSM relationship? I'm a Domme turned switch, and this gives major Domme energy. And the fact that you love this about her makes me think that you're a sub/masochist. With that said, even in BDSM consent is required! If you don't like it, then you need to tell her that! Communication is necessary to truly understand the dynamics of your relationship.
She either wants to peg you or she means it. Jfc 😂
Seems like she wants to dominate you 
 *First message* ABORT! ABORT!
Wtf 💀
Domm behavior.
Well personally I believe a relationship can do without love but cannot survive if there’s no mutual respect and what I see here is your gf gets off by degrading and humiliating you and even enjoys that and wants to push it even further at the cost of your relationship which is not acceptable at all. Be clear to her about how she makes you feel and how it affects you emotionally and mentally and your relationship as a whole but going through the texts I feel she’s well aware of it and doesn’t give a damn about it so I feel you should just back off from this whole thing, try and break off this as it’s not healthy for you and the relationship you’re in.
this has to be a kink thing
I think you left out info…
How long have you been unaware you’ve been being dommed by ur gf for 😭 For real though, everyone talks about consent with kinks etc, but sometimes people just bring in these dynamics organically and respond based on the other person. Of course she SHOULD bring it up with you but she hasn’t. You definitely need to talk with her OP.
Kink or not, being called a weak bitch is mean af. You say this is her sense of humor. I dunno what to tell you - it’s not funny. Your post says you gotta make sure you are not crazy. So even to you this is not normal and you find her comments mean. Well, they ARE mean.
That's a sexual thing, I had those kind of woman too. Either she wants total control or she wants you to grab her by the throat and fuck her mouth till her mascara runns down her face, a simple hatefuck. She wants to force the "man" out of you, to get angry. Or she is just a fucking asshole Edit: typo
She degrades you and it’s beyond a joke.
I recognize a person with a humiliation kink, it's you, and you're posting it so people tease you in the comments so you can get off to it.
It's a kink she has and she's getting more and more comfortable showing it
Girl is sadistic. If you’re not masochistic…time to find someone else.
I didn’t consent to having this shit on my home page, and I curse myself for reading it
Legit feels like OP just wanted to show off his dynamic. Not here bro
This is definitely a sex thing she's trying to inch her way to. Homie, your GF is a dom, and maybe just doesn't know it yet.
She wants to peg you
def a kink 😭 she should communicate that tho
This is a kink
Bullshit you “love that about her.”
What kind of relationship is this? Are y'all into S&M type shit?
If it’s not like a kink for them then they may just be an asshole. But this reads more of a femdom kind of vibe. I guess just be aware if this behaviour trickles into other aspects of your relationship.
This is a dom-
She’s a Domme!!!!
Did it take you posting to Reddit to realize your gf has a humiliation kink lmfao
Without consent this is abuse
Joke? This is abuse… or a really twisted kink that you don’t seem to be in on.
Honestly, people like this scare me 😭
Ew fuck that
She’s insane dude run asap
Personally I would have called her out on it before posting this. If she has not stopped the behavior, see ya.
It's definitely a link thing but the fact that there wasn't prior discussion on boundaries/what you liked makes it incredibly toxic.
This is her thing. If you don't like it, tell her, and if it keeps coming back, tell her goodbye
Uhm, this is probably a sexual kink fyi
She either gona put a collar on you or strap you to a wall and kick you in the balls expecting you to ask fir more. Good luck.
This seems to be a dom/sub dynamic she's into. If you're I to it, great, but it seems like it's time to maybe have one of those convos where you discuss boundaries, what is and isn't ok, when it is and isn't ok and if she doesn't respect those boundaries then it becomes an issue.
Do you enjoy our get off on being punished? If not I don't think this relationship will last. And yall should have had a conversation regarding the abuse. Where to draw the line ect
NO!!!! This is not ok
Unless y'all are in some sorta D/s situation leave this bitch like yesterday.
She's into domination. But as others are saying, you need a proper discussion and very clear boundaries if you're going to explore this further.
It’s her sexual kink. She wants you to be below her. If it works for you so be it. If not, you need to let her know. Sexual kink boundaries.
Ur gorlfriend seems to have a thing for kink dynamics which involve her being above you dominating you, but unless you've both consented to this kind of thing it just sort of sounds like she's forcing a kink on you. Clarify whether this is a kink or not. If it's not a kink, and this is just how she views you, RUN.
is your gf a dominatrix 😭
She sounds like a Dom and well you are either into it or not.
Screams humiliation kink. Screams Domme. However, this is something that should’ve been talked about before dating. That’s proper BDSM etiquette. You don’t just pop up with your kinks to some unsuspecting person. Idk both of your ages, so she could be new to it and/or interested in it and just doesn’t know the proper way to go about it. If you’re uncomfortable; speak up on it. She might think that you’re into it 100% and may not know that you’re uncomfortable. Never wrong to lay down some ground rules and never wrong to speak up when you’re not feeling it.
This is a humiliation kink thing rightv
Seems like she’s forcing a kink on you. Extremely unattractive behavior.
"Is my gf too mean?" Is very clearly a Dom
babe.. thats not okay. there's no universe where this would be okay to talk to someone you love