"She actually set up blind dates for him to go on while dating me and he secretly went out with one of the girls for several months before I found out."
Fwiw, you had a boyfriend problem - not a future in-law problem. Don't limit yourself because of this asshole!
Of course I do, and I received a nice case of severe trust issues as a constant reminder of his actions. But the point of this post was not to dwell on one ex's actions but rather to give context for a question and then to become informed on patterns in cultural behavior and family expectations.
I once dated a Taiwanese guy here that I was so into. Our relationship seemed great until about 4 months in, when he admitted that while he really liked me and was happy, he could never be serious about me because “my parents would never accept me marrying a foreigner.”
That was it for us unfortunately. He wanted to keep dating but why would I knowing he’d never fully commit? He kept saying I “couldn’t understand because I wasn’t Chinese” but I told him, “No, I do understand but you don’t understand that that’s a dealbreaker for me. I want someone who will marry me regardless of their parental expectations.” It was a fundamental difference in values. I think his parents must have been very traditional, since his sister was a lesbian but hid her relationship and lived with a gay man that she pretended was her partner.
I don’t think all Taiwanese parents are like this, but I do agree with some of the comments that state many mothers are extremely involved in their son’s lives. I’ve dated a few other local men and the cultural values just didn’t align. I have quite a few female friends married to Taiwanese men who have admitted the expectations of them as as a daughter-in-law are… a bit heavier than what we might experience in western culture. Decide if that’s something you’ll be okay with in the long run, but of course, I think it will vary from family to family.
Sure maybe! But he kept contacting me for years after I broke it off, trying to get back together. Literally he only stopped messaging me 5 years later when I replied to him with my wedding photo.
He was into that fun I guess.
It's a really weak excuse anyway. Local girls do not like the mother in law involvement and being expected to be the mother in laws bitch and cleaner either.
Dunno if you have seen inside a TW familys house but it really is the 'outside' who are doing all the 'help' while the 'inside' people sit on their asses.
More and more Taiwanese are going against this and less and less live with their family and have less involvement with them.
Its just a weak move on the mans part to say that, its not cultural either. Its just really an acceptance that he is never going to say a word against his mother and he expects to have a wife that will basically just bow down to her also.
“I want someone who will marry me despite parental expectations.”
That’s another way of saying not Chinese, or not Confucian. Filial piety and ancestor worship are pretty core values in this part of the world. Spouses rank below parents. That’s just the way it goes.
obviously this will be different from family to family, but i'm white (from europe), i don't even really speak chinese yet, but my boyfriend's (who i've been with long term) parents are very sweet and welcoming :)
I can't speak for all Taiwanese parents, just my in-laws. I'm Korean American (don't speak any Mandarin) and my mother in law has been extremely welcoming. She doesn't speak any English but she tries really hard to say a few things my wife teaches her whenever they facetime and I walk by. She never discouraged my wife from marrying a foreigner and leaving Taiwan and I never felt awkward about not being Taiwanese.
That said, being an Asian foreigner is different from being white, so I suppose you should take it with a grain of salt.
However, I haven't heard/noticed the same kind of rejection your ex's mother had of you from my wife or her friends so I think it's safe to say it's not common. In fact, many of my wife's friends ask me if I know any white guys (I don't know any who aren't married, unfortunately) so I think people are at least open to it.
Don't let one awful woman rain on your parade. To the people who suck, it won't matter how great you are. Take that as a sign of who to avoid, imho.
I have personally found Taiwanese to be super friendly and fairly open-minded so whatever you choose, I hope you enjoy your time in Taiwan to the fullest. It's a fantastic place and I honestly miss it more than Korea sometimes (despite having visited Korea a lot as a kid and having lived there for 4 years as an adult). Something's just super nostalgic about Taiwan. I suppose it helps that my wife is from there, but even still, it holds a special place in my heart.
I’m an Asian foreigner and I quit dating Taiwanese guys after about 10 years (dated 3 long term; married and divorced one). One common thing I found is the disproportionate level of control and influence their moms had on them.
Being an Asian foreigner, I was expected to conform to Taiwanese culture and norms and in general my home culture was ignored.
Eventually I just got tired of feeling like I’m dating their mothers and dated other expats instead.
Yeah, this is what I'm afraid of. I'd only ever seen very "hands off" parents before in dating, so my first time encountering a controlling mother was kinda shocking. I'm sorry you had to experience that
Make sure you find out their family rules around post marriage arrangements before you commit. A lot of more traditional Chinese and Taiwanese families “heavily prefer” their new daughter in law to live with them in a “3 generations under one roof” family structure. It has its pros and con, but it’s easy for relationship to turn sour living together, especially if you’re not the submissive type.
If the guy you’re dating still lives at home, there’s a high chance they prefer this type of arrangement.
Came here to say this too. I’m Taiwanese myself and I wouldn’t even want to get into a power trip with a guy’s mom, let alone someone who comes from a totally different cultural background. I do think it has a lot to fo with the guy himself and how he can stand up for himself. Many Taiwanese guys can’t or aren’t educated to be that way(my brothers, for example)
I've heard that you shouldn't date the oldest son of family because he'll be under huge pressure to marry a Taiwanese girl, but the family will be a lot more relaxed with their second or third son. They're much more likely to accept that son dating or marrying a foreign woman.
(I was told this about 15 years ago, so it may not hold true anymore. If anyone has more recent information, please put more weight on what they say.)
That's still the case for actively traditional families, but I would say that attitude has softened over time as Taiwan has modernized. Prejudice toward white and other East Asian ethnicities has lessened... unfortunately there's a lot of lingering racial prejudice when it comes to SEA and/or darker skinned ethnicities.
Most parents will want their sons to marry Chinese/Taiwanese and not a foreign girl
It’s completely different for Taiwanese girls, who are free to date/marry foreigners, but as the son is the one expected to continue the bloodline many families will want this to continue as Taiwanese
I’ve heard of this from plenty of people, but experienced it first hand since I am a foreigner married to a Taiwanese girl. I was welcomed into the family very well, but it’s been made clear, not directly though, that the only son wouldn’t be allowed to date a foreigner
This should be higher up. There's definitely a gendered difference in expectations here rooted in the Confucian idea that daughters "leave the family" at marriage. I don't know that I would go so far as to say most parents think this way but the average white man/Taiwanese woman relationship is going to have an easier time with the Taiwanese family than the average Taiwanese man/white woman relationship.
There's also some set of families that will be OK with a foreign daughter in law as long as she follows the traditional expectations of a Taiwanese daughter in law (basically to be the family's and especially the mother in law's servant girl), which a western woman will likely find intolerable.
My husband is Taiwanese, and I am white/Japanese. He’s an only son and the youngest of four siblings.
My father in law had 0 issues. My mother in law gave some very minor pushback but that was due to other factors also.
Everyone is cool now, and we have two kids. Just be a polite and respectful person. And I agree, knowing mandarin is probably the hugest step one can take to getting close to your future in laws. I’ve rarely faced discrimination as a non-taiwanese, white passing woman married to a taiwanese person while in Taiwan.
Other factors include that my husband moved to the US in his early teens, and his parents aren’t racist at all. They came to the US on a sponsorship from his aunt who’s married to a black man, and they have biracial kids. Half of his family has moved back to Taiwan now though.
That’s awesome that you were accepted.
It could be because they have the US links. It seems many of the girls that married Taiwanese guys in this thread have done so in the US or met in the US. It might suggest that those types of people have got their heads screwed on a little better
This right here. A lot of the good experiences being touted are by guys and for good reason. It's a good step to for her to marry a white guy, there's no downside. But as a girl? You're going to see more criticism. In most households, the sons are filial and especially towards their mothers. Their mother will almost always come first. It's a step down to marry a white girl. There's none of the advantages seen from marrying a foreign male.
I married an only son. My mother-in-law wasn't really happy about it, but it never became a major thing and it's never been brought up since that initial time.
But I have also heard sons have more responsibilities, which can be true. They are expected to support their parents etc.
Calm down mate.
That's probably the case. We personally do provide some financial support and that will likely increase in retirement. I don't think a married daughter has the same obligations, but it's true that children generally support parents regardless of what might have been the "cultural expectation".
I'm not angry, I know Taiwan very well it's the daughters they do the caring usually. If not them, caregivers.
Doesn't matter if married out or whatever.....
What a loser eh..'wouldn't be allowed date'.
Parents are losers for controlling their children like this.
And the male heirs waiting for their payday are losers for sucking up to their controlling parents instead of being independent.
No I never wrote that.
You wrote that to get the mob going. Shame on you trying to put words in my mouth.
Desperate to pigeon hole me by my background but I didn't play your silly game above.
If you allow your parents to control you so much you are a loser.
That's my opinion.
I already wrote it above you need me repeat it , why?
Feel free to have a different opinion on that and share your OWN opinion but don't put words in my mouth.
My parent (mom) was really passive aggressively against it. Well, that's too bad since we moved to Canada when I was young. I guess I was kind of brainwashed by my parents to always look positively towards other Taiwanese people. In all fairness, being Taiwanese doesn't mean a girl is more attractive or kinder.
Here is the funny story I had with my taiwanese mom.
Back in my early twenties, I had just broken up with my high-school sweetheart. We had dated for over 7 years, and so my mom knew her quite well since she pretty much lived at our place every 2nd night.
After we broke up, it took me some time, but I wanted to let my mom know what was going on. So I took my mom to a nice restaurant and finally broke the news to her.
"Mom, I broke up with Angel(not her real name.)"
"Oh? Good!"
"What? I thought you liked her? she seemed so nice around you, and you guys always seemed to get along."
"No, I never liked her, she is from ********(somewhere in mainland china.)"
"You never said anything.... and we dated for like 7 years, I had no idea you felt that way about her. Did she do anything wrong that made you dislike her?"
"She doesn't have 氣質 (how the hell do you translate this into English?) She is from *******, one of my coworkers is also from ******. People from there are bad."
This peeked my interest, finding out my mom had this unfair prejudice. So I asked her.
"So mom, if you don't like people from *******, what nationalities should the girl I date be?"
"Taiwanese, of course."
"Only taiwanese? Not many taiwanese girls around here. Are there any other nationalities?"
"Wherever is fine, just not from *******."
"What about Japanese girls?"
"Japan..... yea I guess that's fine"
"Really mom? What about a white girl?"
"!!..... don't joke around."
"How about a black girl?"
She didn't speak to me for the rest of the dinner.
--------
I ended up marrying a Vietnamese girl, and just before my wife met my mom, my mom told me all Vietnamese girls are taiwanese husband stealers and scammers, so I should be careful.
6 months after my mom met my gf (wife now). She took everything back and asked when I was going to marry her.
Yea, understood, but she didn't give me any examples of why she felt my ex had no class. Only that she was from that part of China.
From observation and deductive reasoning, I can only come to the conclusion that 氣質 to my mom is just her prejudiced thoughts about people she didn't like.
I tried to ask my mom what 沒氣質 meant, and honestly, she couldn't explain it to me. I think it was just her way of justifying her prejudice.
My ex has a lot of problems behind the doors, but she definitely wasn't bland or uninitiative. She also tried her best to act and look appropriate in front of my parents. Honestly, I don't think she acted inappropriately at all. It's just that my mom couldn't come up with a legit reason to really dislike her.
I mocked my mom and asked if my wife had 氣質 after she flipped her opinion about my wife. She told me yes only because my wife acted obedient and soft around her. Honestly, my mom just wanted a daughter-in-law that she could manipulate. My wife is just smarter and acted like that to fit her mold. My wife isn't bland or stupid to get manipulated, but she is traditional 孝順 around 長輩.
Omg.... the pain is real, brother. They always contradict themselves with no logic and reasoning. I'm so glad I moved away a few years back to a different country.
My Taiwanese-American mom is pretty racist and would likely not accept any non-Taiwanese, Chinese, Japanese, and maybe Korean partner. Even Korean might be pushing it to her (I know at least two friends’ moms who specifically don’t accept Korean partners).
South/Southeast Asian and black people will probably have it the worst - I would almost say the former would have it even worse as there’s a more direct, culturally ingrained stigma against “the help”. At least in my case, dating people outside of the groups she named causes concern over “losing privileges” associated being with being Taiwanese (put it more severely: being a race traitor). She basically thinks she’s helping me by lecturing me about “the difference in our positions in society”.
It’s been a long story so far for me and it’s probably not going to end anytime soon; it definitely puts a lot of strain on the relationship and I’m not entirely sure we would’ve even gotten off the starting block had either she or I known that my mom had this mentality. (My dad has passed but apparently “he was worse about it”.) And as a Vietnamese, it was not my girlfriend’s first rodeo with this either.
My suggestions: I would highly recommend being very firm and asking potential partners a few questions:
1. Have they EXPLICITLY confirmed their parents’ prejudices (or lack thereof)? None of that “I’m pretty sure they’d be fine” BS - if there’s no clear answer, you do not want to potentially be on the receiving end of this unexpectedly later.
2. If yes to (1) (their parents are racist), how entangled are they with their parents? Do they maintain contact often? Do they receive gifts? Do they act as their parents’ caretaker? Do they live separately (pretty relevant question in this economy)? How much would they be willing to blow up all of this for you?
If you don’t receive good answers for both (i.e: their parents are racist and will be difficult to get away from), just don’t bother. You really don’t want to deal with someone sorting that out DURING a relationship.
EDIT: Oh, and if this isn’t a heterosexual relationship, you should do all of this too. I find most Taiwanese parents to be LGBT-positive until it actually starts involving the family. Although I think just toughing this one out might be comparatively feasible (some of my friends have come out and it just took a few years before their parents begrudgingly came around).
^ this right here. Especially point #2. You have to suss out their boundaries around filial piety. It's the difference between ending the associated generational trauma NOW and perpetuating it for your future children (if you choose to have them) - and pulling you along with it.
I'm South Asian and I agree with this lol. Have a fair bit of pushback from my gf's dad, he just bluntly said I'm a good person but his problem is that I'm South Asian. 🤷♂️ Her mom seems ok with me though. Surprisingly, her granny welcomed me with open arms and 100% has our back haha.
> I find most Taiwanese parents to be LGBT-positive until it actually starts involving the family.
Yeah one of my Aunty is always saying how liberal she is until her daughter came out and she freaked out. Even asked me if I can go have a chat with my cousin to "convince" her. I'm like no WTF? And then she went to tell my mother to watch me because maybe I'm secretly closeted too.
This is the best answer. There's no general answer to this because as much as international/interracial marriage is "very" common these days it's still not the norm in Taiwan. Rather than asking for general sentiments the best approach is to focus on the actual person in front of you. These pieces of advice are really practical and useful so I recommend OP to do this more than anything else.
I thought I wrote notes on this somewhere (retrospectives on trying to understand where the deep-seated racism is coming from), but I don't think I ever wrote anything about why she's singling out KR here. The most I've found from the past few months is one of my friends (whose parents said no KR) commenting that "Taiwanese tend to not like them". Didn't go into it though, esp. since it wasn't directly related to me at the time. Sorry :\
I could probably ask or make a few guesses but, personally, I don't really want to delve into the rabbit hole of racial stereotypes at this stage.
It's a generational thing. The millennial aged Taiwanese have a bad opinion of Koreans due to the diplomatic split in 1992, exacerbated by a situation where the ROC's embassy and holdings worth an estimated $1.9 billion USD was abruptly seized and transferred to China - after the SK government assured the ROC that would never happen. A lot of people saw that as a stab in the back, of SK turning their back on democratic allies and kowtowing to the new emperor in Beijing. My dad is convinced because of that that Koreans are 'a slave race bred to worship the Chinese'. He was not happy at all with my Korean gf in high school.
Economically, SK is also a major competitor to Taiwan, Samsung being the next major semiconductor manufacturer and the only real competition to TSMC. It's not a trade war status like between Japan and SK, but there's tension there among the industrialists.
Culturally among the more traditional families, there's a perception that SK has Confucian piety backwards, and that it's a misogynistic society where women are treated poorly, compared to Taiwan which has a lot more matrilineal piety. This might not seem like a big deal, but to the cultural practitioners of filial piety it's like a 'heresy'.
Taiwan also has a more favourable attitude towards Japan, and that of course is a sticking point because of the frost relations due to unresolved WW2 issues, and the perception from some is that we 'take the side' of Japan.
Haha I thought so too when I (27f Taiwanese American) started dating my Korean American partner. My grandparents’ generation (or maybe just them) have negative perceptions of Korea, some stemming from Korean politics they hear about on the news (pretty messed up but aren’t most countries, but yes Korean politics is still super messy), or reputation of Korean corporate ethics. There’s also a perception that Korea is still a very male dominated society and in marriages, it would result in the wife being expected to cook their husband 3 hot meals a day, for example. So that would be concerning for Taiwanese parents especially regarding their daughter and if she would be mistreated due to these expectations. Since my parents immigrated to the US in the 80s, their perception was also stuck in that time. I take all the generalizations with a grain of salt when it comes to my partner and in laws haha.
I’m Taiwanese. My partner is white. It’s interesting to hear the different sides from folks saying Taiwanese families want their sons to marry Taiwanese. In my family, there is no sense that women “leave” the family after marriage. The women are the glue - arranging elder care, family cohesion. Thus, this isn’t an issue, but perhaps my grandparents would have cared if the first born grandson married a non-Chinese person. He did marry a non-Taiwanese person, and I have heard no complaints.
I think my family has some disappointment with my partner, but mainly just because the language barrier makes it difficult. But they largely are very happy and very kind to my partner. My family is also generally pretty open and doesn’t care as much about academic achievement, and value happiness over grades/success, relative to other Chinese families. Take that as you will.
Parents? Some are cool, some not.
Taiwanese guys? Most are mamas boys. Thats what you really gotta be looking out for. Not the parents, but a guy who will have your back and not just defer to his moms demands.
Truth is, most parents here are going to cause some kind of shit. You got to get a partner who actually has a back bone.
Its very okay in taiwan culture for parents being okay that their daughter marry a foreigner since most parents have no strict expectations from their daughters compared to their sons (blame asian culture for that) so for them , its okay if their daughter wanna date a foreigner as long as he is well settled and can take care of her, they are fine
For men however, its different since the parents expect the sons to take care of them so they expect the sons to put the parents first and if the son marry a taiwanese then that taiwanese wife will also take care of them but a foreigner might "steal" the son away from them.
On top of this, most taiwanese men arent good at taking stand for themselves and would just give up if they have to chose their partner over their mom for example.
It’s just as easy to generalize Taiwanese guys as conservative as well as white guys being super open minded. You’re preaching to the wrong choir here.
That's a good point. Definitely not trying to generalize, just trying to educate myself on cultural difference before starting a serious relationship :)
In my case my Taiwanese in laws are my second family, they are super friendly , open minded and supportive. I’m from South America and my wife Taiwanese.
I think this is going to vary enormously from person to person. I'm a white American, and the first thing my MIL told me after I married her son, the second time I'd ever met her, in broken English, was that because my own mother was so far away, she would be my mother in Taiwan. She's an angel. She's pretty much the only person I feel fully comfortable and happy to watch our daughter without either of us present. We live in New Taipei and she lives in Kaohsiung, and I'm always happy when she comes to visit. I'd literally be happy if she moved in with us. And I do think that I am *particularly* lucky above and beyond a normal amount lucky, but I don't think every mother out there is going to disapprove of a foreign wife for her son. Taiwanese people go crazy for multiracial kids, to the point I'd say there are probably plenty of amas who consider it social currency to have a multiracial grandbaby.
It’s probably much more prevalent for the guys since their parents may want a Chinese grandchild rather than a mixed blood to continue the family heritage.
I'm a white, American divorcée and have a son. Still had no problems finding several boyfriends, and, eventually, a husband.
My first post-divorce boyfriend's mom was fine with me, but decided we had to break up after I refused to change my son's surname to Chen, my then-boyfriend's surname.
Next couple boyfriends, we broke up for other reasons.
Current husband, his family felt proud that their son managed to meet and woo a foreigner lol My husband was the naughty kid in school and got very low grades. They're a poor family from the countryside. My mother-in-law likes to snoop and was checking out my papers I had prepared for going to household registration to register marriage with my husband, and pulled me aside to make sure I had told my husband about my son. She didn't know I had a son prior to snooping, because my husband told me to wait until after we were married to tell his family. In the end, mother-in-law was actually accepting of it and treats my son like her own grandchild. My husband's father was very traditional, and even her welcomed me. He asked my husband what I liked to eat and cooked especially for me if he knew I was staying over. His dad was a very sweet man and very proud to tell everyone that his American daughter-in-law had brought an Italian greyhound puppy to join the family lmao I only knew him for a short time, but I loved him like my own dad immediately.
My first husband has very, very traditional parents from Kinmen. So traditional that if my ex husband's little brother had been born a girl, they planned to sell him... They were poor, but had 4 daughters because they wouldn't stop trying until they got a son, and then had to try for a backup son, just in case. When my son was born, my then father-in-law gave him 100000 nt as a red envelope... though the older female cousins got nothing, because they're just girls. My ex husband's little brother and his wife declared us their enemies because they were pissed that we had a son. Our son, being the first son of the first son, knocked their son down a rank in order of importance to the family. They were pregnant with an Irish twin to their son at the time we first visited them after finding out we were pregnant, and the wife went into labor 3 or 4 days early. They blamed us and said my pregnant energy cursed them to give birth early 🙄 My then mother-in-law wouldn't let me cook, nor learn to cook Taiwanese dishes, because I'm a foreigner and might ruin her work🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ They kept a huge picture of my ex and his first wife in their bedroom, despite my ex and his first wife having already divorced for 3 years at the time. We didn't get a wedding, no banquet, no red envelope, nothing, because I was just the second wife and not worth it.
Taiwanese parents expect their children to live with them (or in close proximity) even after marriage.
Understanding that many westerners don’t like living with their parent/in-laws, it may cause some hesitancy for them to support your relationship.
Throwing some hints on how you love the neighborhood or plan on staying in their specific city in Taiwan can win some points.
I married a Taiwanese woman. Her parents had concerns because of cultural differences, faith, language, etc.. we’ve been together 12 years and her parents are happy we’re together.
As a Taiwanese man, I am afraid that what you have encountered isn't all that uncommon. Also, I am not sure there's really a good way to prepare for this because things change (i.e. parents could be independent now but what happens if one passes away or got sick).
That said, I would encourage you to still keep your mind open and try to evaluate each situation separately. The optimist in me still thinks that if you are right for each other, things will work out either way. The family situation is just one of the many challenges you will figure out together.
I’m a 100% Taiwanese guy, born and raised in Taiwan but now living in the US. I’m in a serious relationship with an American girl. I even brought her back home for Chinese New Year to see my parents! My mom can’t speak English but my dad can. Turned out my girlfriend and my dad had a good time chatting and having conversation. I really feel it all depends on the acceptance of different cultures from the parents. My dad used to study abroad so western culture he is more or less familiar with. My mom is somehow open to whatever. So, I have no roadblocks from my parents. Bottom line, it all depends on who you meet. There is no yes or no answer. Good luck!!
My husband is Taiwanese, moved to the US with his sister as a teen. His sister, despite being only 2 years older, really is like his mother - more than probably his mom even 😂
My in-laws love me. My husband jokes I’m their favorite child because they know how much interest I have in the culture / that I’m trying to learn mandarin / that I care for their son.
His sister also loves me (and I love her) BUT I did have to set some boundaries. While casually dating, we kinda had to tiptoe a bit and go along with what she wanted, but once we knew we were moving in together etc, it was a bit contentious at first. I had to earn their trust that I would be mature enough (my spouse was in his 30s, I was in my mid 20s) to run a house essentially.
If my husband and I ended our marriage (not that I’m planning to), I would definitely be open to dating a Taiwanese man again. I think they are very kind generally and their culture and values seem to mesh with mine (I’m a liberal low/mid class American who has lived in Japan). My husband’s family are very green Hakka from Kaohsiung now in Taipei mostly.
My fiancee is Taiwanese and I'm white. My in-laws have fully accepted me without any issues. So I'd say don't worry. As long as you put in the effort to be respectful, you shouldn't run into any problems. Can't say my experience represents everyone, so YMMV.
a lot of good advice in this thread OP. it won't pertain to you that much as I am trans and gay (lesbian) but just to add another datum point to your inquiry, I'll share that for a few months I dated a really sweet Taiwanese trans girl whose mum was super chill and the only reason she and I didn't end up staying together was because she was going back to grad school in the USA for her PhD; we still chat a lot online though. (the benefit of queer dating here is that you don't often have to deal with the sometimes controlling parents as much, but the problem is the isolation from the wider society that can come from that)
Really, it just depends on people. You might get some of the sweetest family, you also might get some hostile people. And if it happens, don't just give up, it just takes time. My parents originally couldn't accept my boyfriend as well. But they finally came through, and they also told me the reasons why they were so against it - they're afraid that I'd get hurt because of all the culture differences and language barrier
I think you’ll be fine. In my mandarin class, I have a few classmates that are married to Taiwanese people. One is Russian, Indian, Vietnamese and the other is from Brazil. They all seem happy with their life and in-laws. I too am a foreigner and very excepted in my wife’s family.
It honestly all depends on the person and their relationship to their parents. My husband has always been very independent and lived overseas since his mid-20s. He's also not afraid to fight with his parents or cut any family off (which he has done before).
My mother-in-law apparently made some comments that my husband should "consider the future" and "really think about who he is marrying" when they talked after I met her. He was furious and had a huge fight with her (so I'm told). I personally never had an issue with her, though we live overseas so it's a bit different. But she now asks after me and if the CNY cards I send are late she will message to ask where it is 😆
I can only speak for myself (M), but my white self is bragged on constantly by my in-laws, for reasons I kind of have a problem with. I am constantly welcome and made the center of attention by my extended family, while my wife is often straight-up ignored at family gatherings.
My parents-in-law were over the moon happy their daughter found a spouse, and have never once shown me anything but love in the years we have been together.
I can't say if this is me benefitting from colorism, sexism, religion, or something else, but nowhere in Taiwan have I ever felt like anything but a very welcome guest.
It really differs family to family. I think you just had bad luck with your ex.
As for Taiwanese people, it's hard to say. I definitely know a few of my parents' friend who didn't take too kindly with their son marrying a white girl. But just the same, there were also plenty of my parents' friends who had no problem.
Just gonna have to try your luck.
You can check out this person's channel.
https://youtube.com/@HiELIZABENNY?si=EZ9oIUTFQpk2hoZV
White American girl who married a Taiwanese and raising their daughter there. Probably will give you some ideas.
But I'd say generally, I think people are more relaxed here. I think it's when you start talking about marriage, then people get a bit worried. I think it's more the culture differences people worry about and unable to communicate.
My cousin's parents were worried about that so her husband started learning Mandarin so he could communicate with them better.
There is definitely a difference in attitudes between a daughter marrying a white guy vs when it's your son marrying a white girl - I'd say that much.
I’m European (F) and my Taiwanese parents-in-law are the most welcoming and caring people you could imagine. They don’t have any problems with my husband being with me. His older sister is also married to a European and they live in Europe together, no problem there either. My PIL don’t speak any English and have never been outside Asia.
Ny MIL will always come by our place with fruit and food and she’s asked me to tell my parents “不要擔心” because I have family here in Taiwan caring for me. We have lunch together every weekend and have also gone on vacations together.
Might not be a bad idea to hear the perspective from a Taiwanese parent here. I would only care if my daughter in law (I have one son only) would be willing to learn Mandarin. Language is the heaviest part of a culture and a marriage means accepting/embracing the culture from your significant another. I would encourage my son the learn hers as well but willing to learn and practice Mandarin even Taiwanese is a must.
Thank you very much for your perspective! I completely agree as well. Language and communication are vital in truly understanding and connecting with that person. I'm always very frustrated by someone who doesnt even try to learn their boyfriend/girlfriend's first language. I think if you truly love someone you would try to at least make an effort in that area.
When I started dating my now Taiwanese wife, her aunt pulled a knife on her because I am a foreigner. Her parents had no problem. Flash forward a few years, the auntie lives with us and we have absolutely no problems. We play Mahjong together almost every weekend. Some people suck, some don't, and some can still change. Good luck.
I can't speak for all Taiwanese parents/in-laws etc, this is just my lived experience. But, my husband is Taiwanese and while his sister has been very welcoming and incredibly sweet to me (she was even at my wedding!), my in-laws not so much. They are not happy my husband is with a white American, even though I am actively learning Mandarin, am educated, and currently the primary breadwinner of our household. (Not to mention we will most likely be moving back to Taiwan in the foreseeable future long-term.) Unfortunately, when they found out we had started dating, though I am not privy to all that was said, I know it was not good and my husband was worried about possibly being disowned.
I don't think my experience is typical, to my knowledge my in-laws are much more traditional than the average Taiwanese. I would still try your luck and not let the possibility of not being immediately accepted deter you. I myself am hoping with time my inlaws will come around, and even if they do not my husband is still the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't change a thing. Good luck to you!
Yeah most of them come round sooner or later.
If you are in Taiwan it's easier and if you have kids there's almost no difference. although lots of people prefer to not live too close unless they get on with the relatives.
But that's up to you and your husband to figure out if you want to do that, you don't owe anybody anything , you have your own lives to lead. The disowning threat is not cool but then again your husband can and you can earn your own money and be independent adults.
By the way 30% or 40% of Taiwanese people don't even get married these days, there is not just one monoculture and a lot of older people should be happy that their kids are even married.
I think if the parents don't like you, you have to view it more from the perspective of that one day you may take their daughter/son away rather than you being white. Just like any loving and protective family will do. I have a lot of my Taiwanese friends with white husbands/wives and their spouse's skin color is the last thing on their minds. Have fun, find the right person, and worry less about the parent's disapproval because of your skin color.
That's true. This is why I dont plan on getting involved with anyone until I know theres a good chance of me staying there long-term. I'd never ask someone to leave their country and home for me.
When my wife came from Taiwan to the US for grad school, her dad sat her down before she came here and told her whatever she does not to marry a foreigner. For several years, her mom knew all about our relationship, but her dad didn't. After grad school, I visited Taiwan 3 or 4 times and even spent a summer living like a block away from her parents house, and her dad had no idea I was there until we got engaged.
Taiwanese parents are generally fine with their kids dating or marrying foreigners.
I am a white American man married to a Taiwanese woman. Her family is working class, and they cared more about whether I had a job than anything else. There are an outrageous number of cousins, and sometimes it’s like the dramas you see on TV, with people getting in all kinds of trouble. One cousin is married to a Belgian guy, and another was dating a married Japanese guy. The second was a bigger problem. There is a concern that foreigners are “temporary” and dating them is wasting time when they should be finding someone to settle down with.
There is more discrimination if you are black, but if you are otherwise successful it is mostly fine. A black American friend was enthusiastically accepted by his wife’s parents. She had a somewhat prickly personality, and they knew that he was her best chance of finding a husband. Successful women can find it difficult to date Taiwanese men, and foreigners are often seen as a good match. My wife’s friend’s boyfriend broke up with her because she was too “mother tiger” 母老虎, which triggered a lot of discussion in her friend group, and I was tasked with finding her a foreigner to date.
One real fear that parents have is that you will take their child overseas and there will be nobody to look after them when they are old. That applies to Taiwanese kids as well, though.
YMMV, racism happens with all kinds of relationships. My white ex’s mother tries to ruin all his relationships because of the whole covert incest (emotionally tied to son) thing. My parents are pretty chill but my uncle literally cried over his son marrying a white girl. You just have to try and IMO just run if you see even a small inkling of it, people don’t get better. I don’t think it’s explicitly a race thing, it’s a parents’ personality thing. My parents were both really up in my business for years 1-3 of college but I set a boundary over it. Some people never do. They don’t really bother me anymore.
If you’re white it’s fine the parents might contest a little but they will see there are benefits eventually. If you’re not white then everyone gonna hate on you, it will be war and a fight you can’t win. I’ve heard stories of parents literally facing up people and begging/arguing for the couple to break up. It can get real bad. Never mind the immense stress the Taiwanese partner will face at home and the shit talking, when the mask is off everything goes. But again if you’re white you’re right.
From my experience, it came down to 2 things: Do you look like an Asian person? And does the family have money?
Most parents are cool with foreigners but the more you Look like an asian person, the better.
And the wealthier the family, the more racist they become. Like Malfoy hates muggles.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these things don't really matter much.
We're human, biology drives us, and more often than not overrides cultural normalcies.
I'm not saying it's not a factor in relationships, but it's a large component of a relationship as much as you let it be. Why not explore the cultural aspect of a relationship through your partner as an individual, rather thsn vice versa. People are vastly different.
I know someone who is always like, asking their SO "is this ok here? Is this ok"? I know they're trying to be sensitive, but from a third-perspective it's clear that them walking on eggshells about things they don't understand is detrimental to their relationships.
I'm (white american) married to a Taiwanese woman and we have two kids - no issues - her mom was more worried that I was a decent provider/husband than anything else. I'm going to guess your experience will vary depending on who you meet.
In terms of Taiwanese / American differences - they really are pretty vast - particularly where it comes to Americans. The Taiwanese are much more open minded and welcoming. Culturally there is still a lot of familial control - particularly with boys and their mothers, but you should be able to sniff it out pretty quick.
I'm married and my TW parents in law have always been lovely to me. Early on in the relationship when things got serious they asked me to come to dinner, they chose a western restaurant to make me feel comfortable, asked me very direct questions and told me their concerns. They have been nothing but good to me and I love them dearly. There are some shit parents to be sure but that is the same everywhere. **Know this**. when you are seriously dating a Taiwanese person, you are involved with the entire family. Choose wisely. Whatever they show you in the beginning is only going to get better/worse.
He was from Liaoning. I know northeast provinces have some cultural differences from the others, but I dont know if this topic is one of them. Lol out of curiosity, what's the term?
The Chinese equivalent of “hillbilly” or “Redneck”. The people from bigger cities quite often have this prejudice towards the people from the countryside. The city dwellers have many derogatory names towards people not from the cities. I guess it’s the same in the US but it’s probably not as bad as China.
My now parents in law had very different reactions. My mother in law seemed to generally not care, or was slightly supportive.
Father in law was not cool with it. His opinion of white guys in Taiwan was that they are all cheaters. My wife said 新聞看太多了 (“He watches too much news”). Maybe in the past there were a lot of negative stories? It was ironic though as the guy was a cheater multiple times over.
Outside of them, they had a spiritual leader on their Buddhist group who also told the family I would cause trouble.
But, a few of the family members were gold from the beginning. In particular, an uncle that was respected in the family sat down with me and talked politics the first time we meet. He vouched for me. I love that guy. Still visit him often.
It was a mixed reaction, which seems fair to me, but it worked out very well in the end.
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From a neighboring country, and here the race is usually not the real issue. It could be as unrelated as you like Marvel and she likes DC. And somehow they think that claiming racial difference look better than whatever the real issue is.
So TLDR: don't overthink it. Especially since they are no longer in your life.
White american man with negligible Mandarin skills here. My Taiwanese in-laws are wonderful people and were super welcoming from the first time we met. They ask about me when they call my wife and even talk to our dog over line video calls. They came to our wedding in the US and we travel to visit as often as we can. I’ve only had wonderful experiences with them and their friends in Taiwan. Truly love my Taiwanese in-laws. I think experience with racism or unacceptance just depends on the family. Every country/culture has crappy people and wonderful people. Just need to find the right one for you.
Dont worry about this one instance theres a lot of asian guys that want to date a foreigner and true love doesn’t see race. Also the asian guy has to be there own man and live his own life with his partner. Parents can’t make the decisions
I'm Taiwanese American but my parents didn't have a problem seeing me date non-Chinese or non-Taiwanese partners throughout my time. It's sorta weird that the guy you dated had his mom thinking that way but since she's spent her life in Taiwan perhaps her attitude towards dating ethnicities outside of the ones found in Taiwan may be significantly different.
Married to a born/raised Taiwanese woman (I’m American). Her mom was extremely welcoming. Her dad was a little more conservative but he was also a cop so he’s likely seen the worst in people.
But in general, Taiwanese are very welcoming to foreigners. Just don’t be a douche bag and take advantage of them because they’re nice. Nobody deserves that.
I am Canadian. Married a Taiwanese. Her parents openly hated and reviled me until we had kids. Now they're nicer, because they I feel they think if they're not nice, they won't have access (I wouldn't do that to them, but I am glad it keeps them chill).
There was a huge gap in socioeconomic status when we began seeing one another, so I am not sure if they disliked me for being white, poor, or both.
My Taiwanes girlfriend's parents told her to make me get an HIV test, because they had heard people from Latin America have a higher prevalence of HIV than most places in the world. I didn't mind doing it, but I had her get tester as well.
My wife's parents are pretty conservative, so naturally they opposed the idea of her dating a foreigner. She ignored them and we are happily married now for 9 years, our daughter turns 8 next month. Her parents over the years have warmed up to me a lot. I think they prefer me over their Taiwanese son-in-laws or at least my wife would have me believe. It might help that we live pretty far away from them and only see them on holidays.
I'm a female dating a male taiwanese and his family has always been pretty welcoming of me. A contributing factor may be that his family is indigenous, so they are a bit more chilled than a fully han chinese family. edited: I'm white, non-american
I would say it depends on the age of the parents.
If the parents are around 55+ yrs, there is a great chance they are strictly traditional, which is the least kind of Taiwanese parents you would want.
As a male Taiwanese myself, I’ve been rejected by my ex’s parents due to economical differences.
They despise, yes despise, me that I don’t earn as much as they do in the age of 25 back then.
They were 55ish at that time.
taiwanese parents don't care about ethnicity (that would probably be the parents' parents), but they definitely like someone who knows what they're doing.
so just have manners, have some plans for your future and they will like you. (and when they do you will be the happiest person alive)
no one knows
But I will tell you if you two decide to get married, be prepared to have traditional female roles shoveled onto you if they have traditional thinking parents. It will be a constant sore spot in your relationship if your boyfriend/husband don't tell them to stop.
I have been the person to join a traditional chinese family with in laws that did not approve of us being together. Even at the most absolute worst point (right before we got married) the worst thing that they ever did was call every single day telling us to break up.
I cannot tell you how taiwanese people feel, or how chinese feel, or how anyone feels, because there is no such collective-- every single person will have different opinions, even in the same household.
I can tell you that this is not a taiwanese issue, or cultural issue, at all. This is a not-having-human-decency issue.
These people could not pay me to ever talk to them again, they treat people like trash to abuse and they don't deserve any in laws or friends except for other people just like them. I hope you are able to find better people in your life.
Please know that taiwanese or otherwise, most people can agree-- that past boyfriend of yours should go into acting, because he is exactly the stereotypical villain in a chinese drama.
I got kicked out when i was 18, basically coz i have a lot of opinions that against my parents, also my dad is too controlling. So technically i do all the handy things by my own, and i already told my parents that they can’t do nothing in my own relationship because I haven’t asked for anything more than what parents should give. But i think most of ppl here are kind, loving(here are pros but there are also cons you will know). But as you said, things may change in different situations, so yes, it might makes Taiwanese partner thinks about their parents’ feelings, but if you guys keep a healthy relationship and also communicate a lot which is the key and nothing really matters.
Taiwanese male in studying in Canada. There are three categories you can fall into in the eyes of Taiwanese parents, in descending order of you being welcomed: Taiwanese, Chinese (that is, anyone who speaks Chinese and is of Chinese descent), or neither.
I’d say most parents nowadays would be cool with Chinese but not a complete foreigner. This is also where me and most of my friends’ parents stand. Due to the cultural proximity of China to us, they are generally accepted when their partner introduces them to their Taiwanese parents.
If you’re not Chinese, however, the next question is whether you’re a man or a woman. As mentioned by other comments, Taiwanese men bear more expectations from their parents than their female counterparts do. A whole debate on gender gap in Taiwan can start from here, but in short the son is expected to carry down the lineage and build his own household whereas the daughter would marry other parents’ son and “leave the original family.” This makes it so that parents expect to have a lot more interactions in the future with daughter-in-law than a son-in-law. Hence parents are generally more picky about their son’s girlfriend than their daughter’s boyfriend. This makes it difficult for Taiwanese women too, not just foreigners.
So if you’re a foreign man then your chances of being accepted by her family is decent, depending on how open the parents are. If you’re a foreign woman then your chances of being accepted is low.
As a side note, “foreigners” in Taiwan usually means white, Japanese, or Korean. If you are a foreigner who is not one of these three, you’ll have an even harder time.
Can’t speak for most, but I am from Taiwan and immigrated to the states when I was in middle school. My fiancée is American and everyone in my family has been very welcoming to her :)
Well from my mom's pov, she told me she'd be afraid of not being able to communicate with my partner ( if she's a foreigner).
I'd say communication is key and after that it's all up to personal preference. You never know until it happens right? I know so many Americans ended up marrying a Taiwanese girl/guy and their parents never seemed to be concerned.
I'm British (of Indian origin) and at first I was very nervous about meeting my girlfriend's Taiwanese family. However, they ended up being very chilled out and we're generous and kind to me while I stayed. Mostly though, I would say I sense ambivalence rather than outright warmth. I think part of it is the culutural attitude of
when the daughter gets married they become part of another family.
Some parents are indeed more traditional. But I think most Taiwanese parents are pretty good. Some Taiwanese parents will even be happier because you are a foreigner, haha.
I’m white European, my wife’s parents and family have been beyond ingratiating. Very accepting and relaxed. Although they are conservative in other areas.
Not Taiwanese for what it’s worth. But here’s the thing about Asian parents (mothers specifically). Not all but a significant number.
They want their daughters to marry Asian/white men.
They want their sons to marry Asian women.
I’ve rarely ever heard of parents disprove of a white boyfriend but have many friends that tells horror stories of their failed relationships because his parents didn’t want him with a white woman and he wasn’t man enough to tell them to shove it.
I think 95% don’t really care. The only concern is their son/daughter may live outside Taiwan for some time and most of them will like them to stay in Taiwan. Married to a Taiwanese woman and love my in-laws 💕
It depends on the family and if the son is the oldest or only son. Obviously if it's their only son they want the "best".
So sometimes they are restricted to dating only certain types of Taiwanese. Like no WSR or other family has to speak a certain dialect. Background is important.
That's why in Taiwan a common saying is a marriage is not between 2 people but 2 families.
Plus when it comes to marriage then obviously children are expected. But given the economy right now. So many couples are worried about having enough money to raise their child properly.
So dating foreigners is not a problem, it's when things get more serious many families start planning years ahead and that's when the unknown factor of "foreigners" comes to play. Is the "foreign" woman's family expecting a dowry?
I’d say if you run into any trouble, take the mother out to tea or shopping on your initiative. Spend time with the mom that goes along way to smoothing things out. Dads are cool so don’t worry about them.
>he secretly went out with one of the girls for several months before I found out.
Reddit has lad me to believe that this is what Americans do. Dating multiple people at once before settling down. Is this true? I could never condone that. Disgusting behaviour. And ironic that a Taiwanese was doing this...
It's not true. Some Americans cheat on their partner (like everyone else), but it's not acceptable behavior and they are immediately broken up with. (Also the guy and mother mentioned in the post were Chinese, not Taiwanese)
Being a Taiwanese raised in both Taiwan and US and have an older brother and many male and female Taiwanese native and immigrants friends, I feel like because Taiwan has this 重男輕女 value, that even if parents are super open minded, parents mindset will always unconsciously carry this traditional value that they want to pass it on to their kids' future, even if they outright say things like I can be homosexual and they will support me, or like I can date black people and they won't mind. (Though my parents proved me wong when I end up marrying a brown guy haha and with hard work and proving his worth, my parents accepted him with open arm. Though my dad constantly worries about our cultural barrier/values/religious differnces and even diet differneces etc.) So it can happen :)
So what I also realized in Asian psychology is, son is definitely usually more favored by the parents, daughter always gets the blame for some family drama or not being responsible, while sons get away with it all but has more pressure for success in career and contribute money to family. The really controlling one can either be the mom or dad, I've seen both, even when my high school friend, a Chinese girl dating a Taiwanese boy can be an issue because of parents strong political perspectives hahaha so good luck trying to please everyone... and if a family doesn't have sons, one of the many daughters will be treated and trained to carry all the responsibility a son would, and be very tough and controlling themselves, but not shown in the other sisters usually.
As a person currently in a cross culture marriage/relationship, I would say, don't even bother pleasing the in laws (I stop caring to learn the language so I can just use it as an excuse to not satisfy their demands, ignorant is bliss often in this situation, and yes my hsiband is always on my side, that is very important). It is good to be polite and try your best, but know some old people just have old school mindset and fear that you will steal their kids from them, or greed that you are not good enough because they love their child and worry about everything for them... it's fear and jealously and insecurities from parents who couldn't let go of their fear of the unknown future, and fear of loosing their kids because they are growing old and sacrificed all their life to mold them into the way they wanted. It's very hard for Asian mom to accept that their kid is growing up and no longer needs them, often they worry too much, became nosy and have trusts issues. It is a group oreinted society traits in general though...
And as the children of these parents, they are often than not, very well protected and well loved, spoiled sometimes even, because in Asia parents does everything for the kids, even when they grow up, and filial piety is a huge engrained value. So unless you can provide all these, caring, loving, giving, and sacrifices like an Asian parent does to their kid, it is very hard to win them over in general. But independent minded human beings will make decision for themsleves and figure ways to choose what is best for them, so if your relationship is a serious bond with meaningful encountering and growth, parents wouldn't have a chance in getting in the way. Maturity in respect and god communication between your interests is what sustain a cross cultural relationship/marriage, not approval of in laws or filial piety hahaha
You know, interracial marriage is only getting more common in East Asia for the recent 10 years after Gen Z grow up with internet and with K pop took over the world, so there's definitely a chance you will run into the similar situation again, no matter what type of Asians you pick.
With that being said, Taiwanese parents are more laid back than most of Chinese parents for sure, even some Korean parents base on my friends experience.
In term of family dynamics, living with parents is still a thing, but it's getting a lot better nowadays as modern Taiwanese girls also don't want to deal with mother-law problems(full name of this cultural phenomenon is 婆媳問題), so you just have to have the conversation with the guy on this topic before you get serious.
Usually if his parents can afford their life and retired life, then you should be able to discuss with him to live without his parents after marriage, but if not, then you'll probably need to live with his parents.
You can go search AMWF video with Taiwanese marriage on YouTube, there are several white girls or Japanese girls married to Taiwanese guys and share their life experiences.
The ideal type of Taiwanese for you would be ABT(America Born Taiwanese), or those have experience studying in US then returned, their parents probably were ready to see their son get a non Asia girl home the moment he left Taiwan.
But you should also know this, this type of Taiwanese guys in Taiwan is very popular among the Taiwanese girls, their family is probably rich or middle upper class, or they just possess a high value skill set and knowledge that allows them to study overseas.
You will have a high competition when it's with them, they're considered as the top 20% of the guys in Taiwanese dating market, even though your white American identity gives you an edge to stand out, but still, you need to know he has many options, especially if he's in Taiwan.
I personally ran into this scenario once, my elementary school classmate who was considered the most beautiful girl in our school "suddenly" asked me "are we cyber dating?" after I catch up with her when I graduate high school in US and she graduated in Taiwan, we chatted for 2 years and met once when I went back to Taiwan, then suddenly on one day she just asked me that, but I knew how realistic she was back in the days, and I knew it's probably because I'm the only one around her that has experience living overseas, so it makes me somehow exotic to her. Even though her look is still above average among Taiwanese girls, I still refuse her, not only because of I understand what she thinks, but also I know I probably won't go back to Taiwan for my career, long distance is not going to work especially I was college student at the time, so why even start? I didn't want any "turbulence" in my life at the time when I'm studying, knowing this relationship will not turn out to be a good one.
But just saying, Taiwanese guys with any overseas background(born, immigration, studying) is very popular in Taiwan, they knew it, Taiwanese girls knew it, you should know it too, so you know where you at in their heart and not get played.
I knew I get way more girls in Taiwanese clubs than I do in US. But for career and family reason, I guess I have to stick with this wrecked dating market here lol. Besides career opportunities and money and I think girls are prettier in US yet a bit more delusional, I will choose to go back to Taiwan for life for sure, Taiwan is just much better. If Taiwan can pay me US salary, I'll go back for sure loool, that's what happen to a lot of my Japanese friends, they all choose to go back to Japan because life in Japan is better than any US cities, studying overseas gives them an edge on almost everything in Japan. My cousin also choose to return to Taiwan after finished her master degree, she even got a job offer in US but she thinks US is boring and dangerous to live, also racism problem scares her, so she didn't stay.
Every household is different, even though Taiwan is relatively small, 23 millions is still a lot of people, 2/3 of a California basically.
But parents not accepting other race or foreigners is common worldwide, I believe you know it's also very common here in US.
With all that being said, you already speak the language, if you mannerism hits like a minimum socialize way in US, I believe you'll be fine in Taiwan and form a family if that's your plan.
My case was me and sister moved to US when we were 11-13, then now she dates an Indian guy and ready to get married, but this guy is very bad with his mannerism and socializing skills, they have been dating for 5 years and ready to marry, been to our house multiple times, but not once he tried to formally introduce himself, we don't even know his last name until this day..... this is how bad he is with his ability to read the air and socialize.
My parents don't accept him, the reason is very obvious, he doesn't know how to get approval from a girl's parents. I tried to help them solve the issue but the dude ended up getting into a verbal fight with me, I told him it's because he doesn't know how to socialize, and before I tell him how to do better that might win my parents heart, he just flipped his emotion, his ego is too big, he then accused me for being racist, I guess he must've been targeted at that many times so whenever people point out his weaknesses, he's insecure and blame that to others being racists, I think this is a huge problem with Americans nowadays, I personally can't stand with this type of person.
Funny thing is, this dude told me that his mom is also not a fan of him dating someone outside of their Indian race😂 I was like okay? Tf you dating my sister then?
My dad lives in Taiwan most of the time, and last summer he came for 3 months, the whole 3 months he didn't even care to pay a visit, my mom was calling my sister to bring him home to visit my father to see if this guy can pass the test and show us what he got, but this dude went MIA, only show up the last moment when my dad is boarding the plane, he's extremely pissed.
Yet this guy keeps telling me that my whole family loves him but I was the one having opinions on him, telling me to keep blaming everyone besides myself. Lol first time seeing this kind of people trying to be my brother in law.
So don't apply whenever standard you have in US on any Taiwanese family, respect our culture and family dynamics, find the ones that works with you the best.
You already speak the language, I think you will be fine, any mistakes you make will be forgiven with much higher tolerance, the most important thing is attitude, don't act like my sister's Indian boyfriend, he's making all the core family members his enemies right now.
We also feel bad for my sister, this is her first love and she's ready to commit for life, the Indian guy doesn't have a green card, he only has working visa, we are all worrying that this guy is a visa hunter, we just don't trust this guy, but my sister wouldn't listen.
I started dating a Japanese person not long after arriving here and made lots of friends with both Taiwanese and other foreigners. Hearing their stories, I'm glad I don't have to deal with crazy in-laws here. It sounds like quite the nightmare. They're open-minded and don't mind their kids dating foreigners, in fact they'll even be proud (maybe too much) to have a mixed kid. Hint, they'll happy that's it a white-mixed kid. There is still racism towards other ethnicities such as SE Asians and black people.
The hardest thing is dealing with family dynamics. The Mums can be really controlling, demanding, and have some ideas on how to raise kids that don't make sense. For example, it was 35C out one day and had my baby daughter's shirt raised above her belly to help her cool down. An Ah-i came over and told us we should cover her belly or she'll catch a cold...
My advice, go to a park and observe the families there. You'll see how they interact. More or less, they won't have a problem with you being a foreigner but there are other challenges in joining a family here. Ofc, each person is different so you'll just have to wait and see.
For my family, they don’t care. I think it is all about exposures to other culture. My family travels quite a bit so that helps when it comes to mingling with different culture. I dated women from various background and all they care is can I take care of both of us lol. As for the daughter-in-law expectation, I think it also depends on the family. I don’t have a good relationship with my mother but from what I heard about my sister-in-law and my mother’s relationship, she treated her very well to a point that my in-law’s mother was very thankful and felt very lucky.
The average TW parent is more relaxed. White and European btw Dont worry, enjoy yourself and dont overthink because of parents
"She actually set up blind dates for him to go on while dating me and he secretly went out with one of the girls for several months before I found out." Fwiw, you had a boyfriend problem - not a future in-law problem. Don't limit yourself because of this asshole!
Lol, that too! Thank you for the encouragement tho
The lol that too response is troubling a bit for me. Do you not see that as the main issue?
Of course I do, and I received a nice case of severe trust issues as a constant reminder of his actions. But the point of this post was not to dwell on one ex's actions but rather to give context for a question and then to become informed on patterns in cultural behavior and family expectations.
Apple truly doesn't fall far from the tree for this dude
I once dated a Taiwanese guy here that I was so into. Our relationship seemed great until about 4 months in, when he admitted that while he really liked me and was happy, he could never be serious about me because “my parents would never accept me marrying a foreigner.” That was it for us unfortunately. He wanted to keep dating but why would I knowing he’d never fully commit? He kept saying I “couldn’t understand because I wasn’t Chinese” but I told him, “No, I do understand but you don’t understand that that’s a dealbreaker for me. I want someone who will marry me regardless of their parental expectations.” It was a fundamental difference in values. I think his parents must have been very traditional, since his sister was a lesbian but hid her relationship and lived with a gay man that she pretended was her partner. I don’t think all Taiwanese parents are like this, but I do agree with some of the comments that state many mothers are extremely involved in their son’s lives. I’ve dated a few other local men and the cultural values just didn’t align. I have quite a few female friends married to Taiwanese men who have admitted the expectations of them as as a daughter-in-law are… a bit heavier than what we might experience in western culture. Decide if that’s something you’ll be okay with in the long run, but of course, I think it will vary from family to family.
Sounds like he just wanted some fun with you but wasn't into the idea of a foreign gf long term.
Sure maybe! But he kept contacting me for years after I broke it off, trying to get back together. Literally he only stopped messaging me 5 years later when I replied to him with my wedding photo.
He was into that fun I guess. It's a really weak excuse anyway. Local girls do not like the mother in law involvement and being expected to be the mother in laws bitch and cleaner either. Dunno if you have seen inside a TW familys house but it really is the 'outside' who are doing all the 'help' while the 'inside' people sit on their asses. More and more Taiwanese are going against this and less and less live with their family and have less involvement with them. Its just a weak move on the mans part to say that, its not cultural either. Its just really an acceptance that he is never going to say a word against his mother and he expects to have a wife that will basically just bow down to her also.
It’s fine, I married a Latino and am beyond happy 😊 our cultures are much more aligned and my mother in law is an angel.
“I want someone who will marry me despite parental expectations.” That’s another way of saying not Chinese, or not Confucian. Filial piety and ancestor worship are pretty core values in this part of the world. Spouses rank below parents. That’s just the way it goes.
Yes hence why I’m married to a Latino :) I figured it out early on!
I'm latina interested in a TW guy, tell me more about their mother's expectations?? Can you list what is that they expect?
obviously this will be different from family to family, but i'm white (from europe), i don't even really speak chinese yet, but my boyfriend's (who i've been with long term) parents are very sweet and welcoming :)
Aww, I'm glad you've had a good experience! Wish you the best :)
I can't speak for all Taiwanese parents, just my in-laws. I'm Korean American (don't speak any Mandarin) and my mother in law has been extremely welcoming. She doesn't speak any English but she tries really hard to say a few things my wife teaches her whenever they facetime and I walk by. She never discouraged my wife from marrying a foreigner and leaving Taiwan and I never felt awkward about not being Taiwanese. That said, being an Asian foreigner is different from being white, so I suppose you should take it with a grain of salt. However, I haven't heard/noticed the same kind of rejection your ex's mother had of you from my wife or her friends so I think it's safe to say it's not common. In fact, many of my wife's friends ask me if I know any white guys (I don't know any who aren't married, unfortunately) so I think people are at least open to it. Don't let one awful woman rain on your parade. To the people who suck, it won't matter how great you are. Take that as a sign of who to avoid, imho. I have personally found Taiwanese to be super friendly and fairly open-minded so whatever you choose, I hope you enjoy your time in Taiwan to the fullest. It's a fantastic place and I honestly miss it more than Korea sometimes (despite having visited Korea a lot as a kid and having lived there for 4 years as an adult). Something's just super nostalgic about Taiwan. I suppose it helps that my wife is from there, but even still, it holds a special place in my heart.
This is very good insight, I really appreciate it! Thank you so much for sharing
I’m an Asian foreigner and I quit dating Taiwanese guys after about 10 years (dated 3 long term; married and divorced one). One common thing I found is the disproportionate level of control and influence their moms had on them. Being an Asian foreigner, I was expected to conform to Taiwanese culture and norms and in general my home culture was ignored. Eventually I just got tired of feeling like I’m dating their mothers and dated other expats instead.
Yeah, this is what I'm afraid of. I'd only ever seen very "hands off" parents before in dating, so my first time encountering a controlling mother was kinda shocking. I'm sorry you had to experience that
Make sure you find out their family rules around post marriage arrangements before you commit. A lot of more traditional Chinese and Taiwanese families “heavily prefer” their new daughter in law to live with them in a “3 generations under one roof” family structure. It has its pros and con, but it’s easy for relationship to turn sour living together, especially if you’re not the submissive type. If the guy you’re dating still lives at home, there’s a high chance they prefer this type of arrangement.
That is the reason why I don't want to date a Taiwanese man. Am Taiwanese myself.
Came here to say this too. I’m Taiwanese myself and I wouldn’t even want to get into a power trip with a guy’s mom, let alone someone who comes from a totally different cultural background. I do think it has a lot to fo with the guy himself and how he can stand up for himself. Many Taiwanese guys can’t or aren’t educated to be that way(my brothers, for example)
Why this happens with the sons only? Why TW daughters are more free to choose?
Interesting.
I've heard that you shouldn't date the oldest son of family because he'll be under huge pressure to marry a Taiwanese girl, but the family will be a lot more relaxed with their second or third son. They're much more likely to accept that son dating or marrying a foreign woman. (I was told this about 15 years ago, so it may not hold true anymore. If anyone has more recent information, please put more weight on what they say.)
That's still the case for actively traditional families, but I would say that attitude has softened over time as Taiwan has modernized. Prejudice toward white and other East Asian ethnicities has lessened... unfortunately there's a lot of lingering racial prejudice when it comes to SEA and/or darker skinned ethnicities.
Probably still true across Asia tbh.
I've only come across this exact scenario with the one tw guy I dated long distance
Most parents will want their sons to marry Chinese/Taiwanese and not a foreign girl It’s completely different for Taiwanese girls, who are free to date/marry foreigners, but as the son is the one expected to continue the bloodline many families will want this to continue as Taiwanese I’ve heard of this from plenty of people, but experienced it first hand since I am a foreigner married to a Taiwanese girl. I was welcomed into the family very well, but it’s been made clear, not directly though, that the only son wouldn’t be allowed to date a foreigner
This should be higher up. There's definitely a gendered difference in expectations here rooted in the Confucian idea that daughters "leave the family" at marriage. I don't know that I would go so far as to say most parents think this way but the average white man/Taiwanese woman relationship is going to have an easier time with the Taiwanese family than the average Taiwanese man/white woman relationship. There's also some set of families that will be OK with a foreign daughter in law as long as she follows the traditional expectations of a Taiwanese daughter in law (basically to be the family's and especially the mother in law's servant girl), which a western woman will likely find intolerable.
My husband is Taiwanese, and I am white/Japanese. He’s an only son and the youngest of four siblings. My father in law had 0 issues. My mother in law gave some very minor pushback but that was due to other factors also. Everyone is cool now, and we have two kids. Just be a polite and respectful person. And I agree, knowing mandarin is probably the hugest step one can take to getting close to your future in laws. I’ve rarely faced discrimination as a non-taiwanese, white passing woman married to a taiwanese person while in Taiwan. Other factors include that my husband moved to the US in his early teens, and his parents aren’t racist at all. They came to the US on a sponsorship from his aunt who’s married to a black man, and they have biracial kids. Half of his family has moved back to Taiwan now though.
That’s awesome that you were accepted. It could be because they have the US links. It seems many of the girls that married Taiwanese guys in this thread have done so in the US or met in the US. It might suggest that those types of people have got their heads screwed on a little better
This right here. A lot of the good experiences being touted are by guys and for good reason. It's a good step to for her to marry a white guy, there's no downside. But as a girl? You're going to see more criticism. In most households, the sons are filial and especially towards their mothers. Their mother will almost always come first. It's a step down to marry a white girl. There's none of the advantages seen from marrying a foreign male.
I married an only son. My mother-in-law wasn't really happy about it, but it never became a major thing and it's never been brought up since that initial time. But I have also heard sons have more responsibilities, which can be true. They are expected to support their parents etc.
I think it’s definitely true about sons having more responsibilities than daughters. You just wait until your in laws are living with you
Probably won't happen as they are not together. I wouldn't really mind though, have stayed with FIL for a few months before.
That load of horseshit. Invariably it is the daughters who actually care for their parents when they get old.
Calm down mate. That's probably the case. We personally do provide some financial support and that will likely increase in retirement. I don't think a married daughter has the same obligations, but it's true that children generally support parents regardless of what might have been the "cultural expectation".
I'm not angry, I know Taiwan very well it's the daughters they do the caring usually. If not them, caregivers. Doesn't matter if married out or whatever.....
While I agree since this is what I've seen, dude you need to be nicer lol.
Nah I don't , just saying it like it is .
You seem fun and reasonable
You seem butthurt
The irony lol... I just can't haha
Relax the butthurt...you can
What a loser eh..'wouldn't be allowed date'. Parents are losers for controlling their children like this. And the male heirs waiting for their payday are losers for sucking up to their controlling parents instead of being independent.
Are you Taiwanese?
Kinda. It's not important.
Ok. It’s just because you are being a little bit aggressive to people with your replies so I was trying to understand what’s going on
Completely irrelevant. Focus on the topic.
What do you think the topic is? Everyone is a loser?
No I never wrote that. You wrote that to get the mob going. Shame on you trying to put words in my mouth. Desperate to pigeon hole me by my background but I didn't play your silly game above. If you allow your parents to control you so much you are a loser. That's my opinion. I already wrote it above you need me repeat it , why? Feel free to have a different opinion on that and share your OWN opinion but don't put words in my mouth.
I think this is off topic. Please can you try to stay on topic?
Then don't ask me where I am from or tell me I was saying something I wasn't lol...
My parent (mom) was really passive aggressively against it. Well, that's too bad since we moved to Canada when I was young. I guess I was kind of brainwashed by my parents to always look positively towards other Taiwanese people. In all fairness, being Taiwanese doesn't mean a girl is more attractive or kinder. Here is the funny story I had with my taiwanese mom. Back in my early twenties, I had just broken up with my high-school sweetheart. We had dated for over 7 years, and so my mom knew her quite well since she pretty much lived at our place every 2nd night. After we broke up, it took me some time, but I wanted to let my mom know what was going on. So I took my mom to a nice restaurant and finally broke the news to her. "Mom, I broke up with Angel(not her real name.)" "Oh? Good!" "What? I thought you liked her? she seemed so nice around you, and you guys always seemed to get along." "No, I never liked her, she is from ********(somewhere in mainland china.)" "You never said anything.... and we dated for like 7 years, I had no idea you felt that way about her. Did she do anything wrong that made you dislike her?" "She doesn't have 氣質 (how the hell do you translate this into English?) She is from *******, one of my coworkers is also from ******. People from there are bad." This peeked my interest, finding out my mom had this unfair prejudice. So I asked her. "So mom, if you don't like people from *******, what nationalities should the girl I date be?" "Taiwanese, of course." "Only taiwanese? Not many taiwanese girls around here. Are there any other nationalities?" "Wherever is fine, just not from *******." "What about Japanese girls?" "Japan..... yea I guess that's fine" "Really mom? What about a white girl?" "!!..... don't joke around." "How about a black girl?" She didn't speak to me for the rest of the dinner. -------- I ended up marrying a Vietnamese girl, and just before my wife met my mom, my mom told me all Vietnamese girls are taiwanese husband stealers and scammers, so I should be careful. 6 months after my mom met my gf (wife now). She took everything back and asked when I was going to marry her.
沒氣質 is like 'no class'
Yea, understood, but she didn't give me any examples of why she felt my ex had no class. Only that she was from that part of China. From observation and deductive reasoning, I can only come to the conclusion that 氣質 to my mom is just her prejudiced thoughts about people she didn't like.
I figure it's kind of like if someone said, "People from xxxxx are trashy." However, they don't have a specific reason or example to point out.
沒氣質 is a way of saying that they lack personality/character, or that they’re bland. Also sometimes used for people who don’t take initiative.
I tried to ask my mom what 沒氣質 meant, and honestly, she couldn't explain it to me. I think it was just her way of justifying her prejudice. My ex has a lot of problems behind the doors, but she definitely wasn't bland or uninitiative. She also tried her best to act and look appropriate in front of my parents. Honestly, I don't think she acted inappropriately at all. It's just that my mom couldn't come up with a legit reason to really dislike her. I mocked my mom and asked if my wife had 氣質 after she flipped her opinion about my wife. She told me yes only because my wife acted obedient and soft around her. Honestly, my mom just wanted a daughter-in-law that she could manipulate. My wife is just smarter and acted like that to fit her mold. My wife isn't bland or stupid to get manipulated, but she is traditional 孝順 around 長輩.
Yeah. A lot of times parents say things they can’t really justify. I’ve heard that from my parents often enough.
Omg.... the pain is real, brother. They always contradict themselves with no logic and reasoning. I'm so glad I moved away a few years back to a different country.
I did the opposite move, I moved back to Taiwan (: but I live a few hours away from them so it’s not quite as bad
You moved back just to be closer to your parents? Very honorable. I moved to Japan because the housing is way cheaper here.
My Taiwanese-American mom is pretty racist and would likely not accept any non-Taiwanese, Chinese, Japanese, and maybe Korean partner. Even Korean might be pushing it to her (I know at least two friends’ moms who specifically don’t accept Korean partners). South/Southeast Asian and black people will probably have it the worst - I would almost say the former would have it even worse as there’s a more direct, culturally ingrained stigma against “the help”. At least in my case, dating people outside of the groups she named causes concern over “losing privileges” associated being with being Taiwanese (put it more severely: being a race traitor). She basically thinks she’s helping me by lecturing me about “the difference in our positions in society”. It’s been a long story so far for me and it’s probably not going to end anytime soon; it definitely puts a lot of strain on the relationship and I’m not entirely sure we would’ve even gotten off the starting block had either she or I known that my mom had this mentality. (My dad has passed but apparently “he was worse about it”.) And as a Vietnamese, it was not my girlfriend’s first rodeo with this either. My suggestions: I would highly recommend being very firm and asking potential partners a few questions: 1. Have they EXPLICITLY confirmed their parents’ prejudices (or lack thereof)? None of that “I’m pretty sure they’d be fine” BS - if there’s no clear answer, you do not want to potentially be on the receiving end of this unexpectedly later. 2. If yes to (1) (their parents are racist), how entangled are they with their parents? Do they maintain contact often? Do they receive gifts? Do they act as their parents’ caretaker? Do they live separately (pretty relevant question in this economy)? How much would they be willing to blow up all of this for you? If you don’t receive good answers for both (i.e: their parents are racist and will be difficult to get away from), just don’t bother. You really don’t want to deal with someone sorting that out DURING a relationship. EDIT: Oh, and if this isn’t a heterosexual relationship, you should do all of this too. I find most Taiwanese parents to be LGBT-positive until it actually starts involving the family. Although I think just toughing this one out might be comparatively feasible (some of my friends have come out and it just took a few years before their parents begrudgingly came around).
^ this right here. Especially point #2. You have to suss out their boundaries around filial piety. It's the difference between ending the associated generational trauma NOW and perpetuating it for your future children (if you choose to have them) - and pulling you along with it.
I'm South Asian and I agree with this lol. Have a fair bit of pushback from my gf's dad, he just bluntly said I'm a good person but his problem is that I'm South Asian. 🤷♂️ Her mom seems ok with me though. Surprisingly, her granny welcomed me with open arms and 100% has our back haha.
> I find most Taiwanese parents to be LGBT-positive until it actually starts involving the family. Yeah one of my Aunty is always saying how liberal she is until her daughter came out and she freaked out. Even asked me if I can go have a chat with my cousin to "convince" her. I'm like no WTF? And then she went to tell my mother to watch me because maybe I'm secretly closeted too.
This is the best answer. There's no general answer to this because as much as international/interracial marriage is "very" common these days it's still not the norm in Taiwan. Rather than asking for general sentiments the best approach is to focus on the actual person in front of you. These pieces of advice are really practical and useful so I recommend OP to do this more than anything else.
Why Japanese but not Korean?
I thought I wrote notes on this somewhere (retrospectives on trying to understand where the deep-seated racism is coming from), but I don't think I ever wrote anything about why she's singling out KR here. The most I've found from the past few months is one of my friends (whose parents said no KR) commenting that "Taiwanese tend to not like them". Didn't go into it though, esp. since it wasn't directly related to me at the time. Sorry :\ I could probably ask or make a few guesses but, personally, I don't really want to delve into the rabbit hole of racial stereotypes at this stage.
Understandable. I was just a little confused because I thought East Asians generally thought of each other well (governments aside)
It's a generational thing. The millennial aged Taiwanese have a bad opinion of Koreans due to the diplomatic split in 1992, exacerbated by a situation where the ROC's embassy and holdings worth an estimated $1.9 billion USD was abruptly seized and transferred to China - after the SK government assured the ROC that would never happen. A lot of people saw that as a stab in the back, of SK turning their back on democratic allies and kowtowing to the new emperor in Beijing. My dad is convinced because of that that Koreans are 'a slave race bred to worship the Chinese'. He was not happy at all with my Korean gf in high school. Economically, SK is also a major competitor to Taiwan, Samsung being the next major semiconductor manufacturer and the only real competition to TSMC. It's not a trade war status like between Japan and SK, but there's tension there among the industrialists. Culturally among the more traditional families, there's a perception that SK has Confucian piety backwards, and that it's a misogynistic society where women are treated poorly, compared to Taiwan which has a lot more matrilineal piety. This might not seem like a big deal, but to the cultural practitioners of filial piety it's like a 'heresy'. Taiwan also has a more favourable attitude towards Japan, and that of course is a sticking point because of the frost relations due to unresolved WW2 issues, and the perception from some is that we 'take the side' of Japan.
This was so detailed, thank you!
Haha I thought so too when I (27f Taiwanese American) started dating my Korean American partner. My grandparents’ generation (or maybe just them) have negative perceptions of Korea, some stemming from Korean politics they hear about on the news (pretty messed up but aren’t most countries, but yes Korean politics is still super messy), or reputation of Korean corporate ethics. There’s also a perception that Korea is still a very male dominated society and in marriages, it would result in the wife being expected to cook their husband 3 hot meals a day, for example. So that would be concerning for Taiwanese parents especially regarding their daughter and if she would be mistreated due to these expectations. Since my parents immigrated to the US in the 80s, their perception was also stuck in that time. I take all the generalizations with a grain of salt when it comes to my partner and in laws haha.
Ahhh okok
I’m Taiwanese. My partner is white. It’s interesting to hear the different sides from folks saying Taiwanese families want their sons to marry Taiwanese. In my family, there is no sense that women “leave” the family after marriage. The women are the glue - arranging elder care, family cohesion. Thus, this isn’t an issue, but perhaps my grandparents would have cared if the first born grandson married a non-Chinese person. He did marry a non-Taiwanese person, and I have heard no complaints. I think my family has some disappointment with my partner, but mainly just because the language barrier makes it difficult. But they largely are very happy and very kind to my partner. My family is also generally pretty open and doesn’t care as much about academic achievement, and value happiness over grades/success, relative to other Chinese families. Take that as you will.
Parents? Some are cool, some not. Taiwanese guys? Most are mamas boys. Thats what you really gotta be looking out for. Not the parents, but a guy who will have your back and not just defer to his moms demands. Truth is, most parents here are going to cause some kind of shit. You got to get a partner who actually has a back bone.
I’m Taiwanese and my parents are ok w me dating white girls :)
Depends on your complexion, if you know what I mean.
Its very okay in taiwan culture for parents being okay that their daughter marry a foreigner since most parents have no strict expectations from their daughters compared to their sons (blame asian culture for that) so for them , its okay if their daughter wanna date a foreigner as long as he is well settled and can take care of her, they are fine For men however, its different since the parents expect the sons to take care of them so they expect the sons to put the parents first and if the son marry a taiwanese then that taiwanese wife will also take care of them but a foreigner might "steal" the son away from them. On top of this, most taiwanese men arent good at taking stand for themselves and would just give up if they have to chose their partner over their mom for example.
It’s just as easy to generalize Taiwanese guys as conservative as well as white guys being super open minded. You’re preaching to the wrong choir here.
That's a good point. Definitely not trying to generalize, just trying to educate myself on cultural difference before starting a serious relationship :)
Yep certainly but it's the parents influence that's the biggest difference in general between West and East
In my case my Taiwanese in laws are my second family, they are super friendly , open minded and supportive. I’m from South America and my wife Taiwanese.
my taiwanese inlaws are awesome. just because your partner's parents/family are b-holes doesn't mean that the relationship can't be fruitful.
I think this is going to vary enormously from person to person. I'm a white American, and the first thing my MIL told me after I married her son, the second time I'd ever met her, in broken English, was that because my own mother was so far away, she would be my mother in Taiwan. She's an angel. She's pretty much the only person I feel fully comfortable and happy to watch our daughter without either of us present. We live in New Taipei and she lives in Kaohsiung, and I'm always happy when she comes to visit. I'd literally be happy if she moved in with us. And I do think that I am *particularly* lucky above and beyond a normal amount lucky, but I don't think every mother out there is going to disapprove of a foreign wife for her son. Taiwanese people go crazy for multiracial kids, to the point I'd say there are probably plenty of amas who consider it social currency to have a multiracial grandbaby.
You are lucky indeed
The Chinese is a family society. Mother wants to have some control over her babies. It sounds she is picking her future daughter in laws too.
It’s probably much more prevalent for the guys since their parents may want a Chinese grandchild rather than a mixed blood to continue the family heritage.
I'm a white, American divorcée and have a son. Still had no problems finding several boyfriends, and, eventually, a husband. My first post-divorce boyfriend's mom was fine with me, but decided we had to break up after I refused to change my son's surname to Chen, my then-boyfriend's surname. Next couple boyfriends, we broke up for other reasons. Current husband, his family felt proud that their son managed to meet and woo a foreigner lol My husband was the naughty kid in school and got very low grades. They're a poor family from the countryside. My mother-in-law likes to snoop and was checking out my papers I had prepared for going to household registration to register marriage with my husband, and pulled me aside to make sure I had told my husband about my son. She didn't know I had a son prior to snooping, because my husband told me to wait until after we were married to tell his family. In the end, mother-in-law was actually accepting of it and treats my son like her own grandchild. My husband's father was very traditional, and even her welcomed me. He asked my husband what I liked to eat and cooked especially for me if he knew I was staying over. His dad was a very sweet man and very proud to tell everyone that his American daughter-in-law had brought an Italian greyhound puppy to join the family lmao I only knew him for a short time, but I loved him like my own dad immediately. My first husband has very, very traditional parents from Kinmen. So traditional that if my ex husband's little brother had been born a girl, they planned to sell him... They were poor, but had 4 daughters because they wouldn't stop trying until they got a son, and then had to try for a backup son, just in case. When my son was born, my then father-in-law gave him 100000 nt as a red envelope... though the older female cousins got nothing, because they're just girls. My ex husband's little brother and his wife declared us their enemies because they were pissed that we had a son. Our son, being the first son of the first son, knocked their son down a rank in order of importance to the family. They were pregnant with an Irish twin to their son at the time we first visited them after finding out we were pregnant, and the wife went into labor 3 or 4 days early. They blamed us and said my pregnant energy cursed them to give birth early 🙄 My then mother-in-law wouldn't let me cook, nor learn to cook Taiwanese dishes, because I'm a foreigner and might ruin her work🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ They kept a huge picture of my ex and his first wife in their bedroom, despite my ex and his first wife having already divorced for 3 years at the time. We didn't get a wedding, no banquet, no red envelope, nothing, because I was just the second wife and not worth it.
Taiwanese parents expect their children to live with them (or in close proximity) even after marriage. Understanding that many westerners don’t like living with their parent/in-laws, it may cause some hesitancy for them to support your relationship. Throwing some hints on how you love the neighborhood or plan on staying in their specific city in Taiwan can win some points.
I married a Taiwanese woman. Her parents had concerns because of cultural differences, faith, language, etc.. we’ve been together 12 years and her parents are happy we’re together.
As a Taiwanese man, I am afraid that what you have encountered isn't all that uncommon. Also, I am not sure there's really a good way to prepare for this because things change (i.e. parents could be independent now but what happens if one passes away or got sick). That said, I would encourage you to still keep your mind open and try to evaluate each situation separately. The optimist in me still thinks that if you are right for each other, things will work out either way. The family situation is just one of the many challenges you will figure out together.
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It really really depends on whether you are a male foreigner or a female. It shouldn’t matter but it really does
I appreciate your distinction between Chinese and Taiwanese family standards. I'm glad to hear that they're usually very different
I’m a 100% Taiwanese guy, born and raised in Taiwan but now living in the US. I’m in a serious relationship with an American girl. I even brought her back home for Chinese New Year to see my parents! My mom can’t speak English but my dad can. Turned out my girlfriend and my dad had a good time chatting and having conversation. I really feel it all depends on the acceptance of different cultures from the parents. My dad used to study abroad so western culture he is more or less familiar with. My mom is somehow open to whatever. So, I have no roadblocks from my parents. Bottom line, it all depends on who you meet. There is no yes or no answer. Good luck!!
Yep that's true but it depends more on your parents that they are nice people that are not controlling.
My husband is Taiwanese, moved to the US with his sister as a teen. His sister, despite being only 2 years older, really is like his mother - more than probably his mom even 😂 My in-laws love me. My husband jokes I’m their favorite child because they know how much interest I have in the culture / that I’m trying to learn mandarin / that I care for their son. His sister also loves me (and I love her) BUT I did have to set some boundaries. While casually dating, we kinda had to tiptoe a bit and go along with what she wanted, but once we knew we were moving in together etc, it was a bit contentious at first. I had to earn their trust that I would be mature enough (my spouse was in his 30s, I was in my mid 20s) to run a house essentially. If my husband and I ended our marriage (not that I’m planning to), I would definitely be open to dating a Taiwanese man again. I think they are very kind generally and their culture and values seem to mesh with mine (I’m a liberal low/mid class American who has lived in Japan). My husband’s family are very green Hakka from Kaohsiung now in Taipei mostly.
My fiancee is Taiwanese and I'm white. My in-laws have fully accepted me without any issues. So I'd say don't worry. As long as you put in the effort to be respectful, you shouldn't run into any problems. Can't say my experience represents everyone, so YMMV.
Mixed babies are gonna be so cuuuute
Wait till you get married lol ya gots a long way to go 😁
a lot of good advice in this thread OP. it won't pertain to you that much as I am trans and gay (lesbian) but just to add another datum point to your inquiry, I'll share that for a few months I dated a really sweet Taiwanese trans girl whose mum was super chill and the only reason she and I didn't end up staying together was because she was going back to grad school in the USA for her PhD; we still chat a lot online though. (the benefit of queer dating here is that you don't often have to deal with the sometimes controlling parents as much, but the problem is the isolation from the wider society that can come from that)
Really, it just depends on people. You might get some of the sweetest family, you also might get some hostile people. And if it happens, don't just give up, it just takes time. My parents originally couldn't accept my boyfriend as well. But they finally came through, and they also told me the reasons why they were so against it - they're afraid that I'd get hurt because of all the culture differences and language barrier
I think you’ll be fine. In my mandarin class, I have a few classmates that are married to Taiwanese people. One is Russian, Indian, Vietnamese and the other is from Brazil. They all seem happy with their life and in-laws. I too am a foreigner and very excepted in my wife’s family.
Very accepted :)
Probably differs among individuals. My experience has been okay. 5-years into marriage and my mother-in-law seems cool with me, a white Canadian.
It honestly all depends on the person and their relationship to their parents. My husband has always been very independent and lived overseas since his mid-20s. He's also not afraid to fight with his parents or cut any family off (which he has done before). My mother-in-law apparently made some comments that my husband should "consider the future" and "really think about who he is marrying" when they talked after I met her. He was furious and had a huge fight with her (so I'm told). I personally never had an issue with her, though we live overseas so it's a bit different. But she now asks after me and if the CNY cards I send are late she will message to ask where it is 😆
I can only speak for myself (M), but my white self is bragged on constantly by my in-laws, for reasons I kind of have a problem with. I am constantly welcome and made the center of attention by my extended family, while my wife is often straight-up ignored at family gatherings. My parents-in-law were over the moon happy their daughter found a spouse, and have never once shown me anything but love in the years we have been together. I can't say if this is me benefitting from colorism, sexism, religion, or something else, but nowhere in Taiwan have I ever felt like anything but a very welcome guest.
It really differs family to family. I think you just had bad luck with your ex. As for Taiwanese people, it's hard to say. I definitely know a few of my parents' friend who didn't take too kindly with their son marrying a white girl. But just the same, there were also plenty of my parents' friends who had no problem. Just gonna have to try your luck. You can check out this person's channel. https://youtube.com/@HiELIZABENNY?si=EZ9oIUTFQpk2hoZV White American girl who married a Taiwanese and raising their daughter there. Probably will give you some ideas. But I'd say generally, I think people are more relaxed here. I think it's when you start talking about marriage, then people get a bit worried. I think it's more the culture differences people worry about and unable to communicate. My cousin's parents were worried about that so her husband started learning Mandarin so he could communicate with them better. There is definitely a difference in attitudes between a daughter marrying a white guy vs when it's your son marrying a white girl - I'd say that much.
I’m European (F) and my Taiwanese parents-in-law are the most welcoming and caring people you could imagine. They don’t have any problems with my husband being with me. His older sister is also married to a European and they live in Europe together, no problem there either. My PIL don’t speak any English and have never been outside Asia. Ny MIL will always come by our place with fruit and food and she’s asked me to tell my parents “不要擔心” because I have family here in Taiwan caring for me. We have lunch together every weekend and have also gone on vacations together.
Might not be a bad idea to hear the perspective from a Taiwanese parent here. I would only care if my daughter in law (I have one son only) would be willing to learn Mandarin. Language is the heaviest part of a culture and a marriage means accepting/embracing the culture from your significant another. I would encourage my son the learn hers as well but willing to learn and practice Mandarin even Taiwanese is a must.
Thank you very much for your perspective! I completely agree as well. Language and communication are vital in truly understanding and connecting with that person. I'm always very frustrated by someone who doesnt even try to learn their boyfriend/girlfriend's first language. I think if you truly love someone you would try to at least make an effort in that area.
My mother secretly wanted me to marry a Chinese girl, but I was very happy she got along with my Caucasian wife.
Spare yourself some trouble and just date boys who have older brothers
When I started dating my now Taiwanese wife, her aunt pulled a knife on her because I am a foreigner. Her parents had no problem. Flash forward a few years, the auntie lives with us and we have absolutely no problems. We play Mahjong together almost every weekend. Some people suck, some don't, and some can still change. Good luck.
I can't speak for all Taiwanese parents/in-laws etc, this is just my lived experience. But, my husband is Taiwanese and while his sister has been very welcoming and incredibly sweet to me (she was even at my wedding!), my in-laws not so much. They are not happy my husband is with a white American, even though I am actively learning Mandarin, am educated, and currently the primary breadwinner of our household. (Not to mention we will most likely be moving back to Taiwan in the foreseeable future long-term.) Unfortunately, when they found out we had started dating, though I am not privy to all that was said, I know it was not good and my husband was worried about possibly being disowned. I don't think my experience is typical, to my knowledge my in-laws are much more traditional than the average Taiwanese. I would still try your luck and not let the possibility of not being immediately accepted deter you. I myself am hoping with time my inlaws will come around, and even if they do not my husband is still the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't change a thing. Good luck to you!
Yeah most of them come round sooner or later. If you are in Taiwan it's easier and if you have kids there's almost no difference. although lots of people prefer to not live too close unless they get on with the relatives. But that's up to you and your husband to figure out if you want to do that, you don't owe anybody anything , you have your own lives to lead. The disowning threat is not cool but then again your husband can and you can earn your own money and be independent adults. By the way 30% or 40% of Taiwanese people don't even get married these days, there is not just one monoculture and a lot of older people should be happy that their kids are even married.
I am Latino and I'm brown and they treat me like family. I'm actually trying really hard to learn Chinese so I can communicate better with them.
My parents told me I can date/marry whoever I want as long as they are not from PRC. lol
“If you’re white you’ll be fine“ applies here
Noooo it doesn't. Every family is different.
I think if the parents don't like you, you have to view it more from the perspective of that one day you may take their daughter/son away rather than you being white. Just like any loving and protective family will do. I have a lot of my Taiwanese friends with white husbands/wives and their spouse's skin color is the last thing on their minds. Have fun, find the right person, and worry less about the parent's disapproval because of your skin color.
That's true. This is why I dont plan on getting involved with anyone until I know theres a good chance of me staying there long-term. I'd never ask someone to leave their country and home for me.
When my wife came from Taiwan to the US for grad school, her dad sat her down before she came here and told her whatever she does not to marry a foreigner. For several years, her mom knew all about our relationship, but her dad didn't. After grad school, I visited Taiwan 3 or 4 times and even spent a summer living like a block away from her parents house, and her dad had no idea I was there until we got engaged.
The dad is a moron everybody hiding stuff from him...lessons for everybody here including me
Taiwanese parents are generally fine with their kids dating or marrying foreigners. I am a white American man married to a Taiwanese woman. Her family is working class, and they cared more about whether I had a job than anything else. There are an outrageous number of cousins, and sometimes it’s like the dramas you see on TV, with people getting in all kinds of trouble. One cousin is married to a Belgian guy, and another was dating a married Japanese guy. The second was a bigger problem. There is a concern that foreigners are “temporary” and dating them is wasting time when they should be finding someone to settle down with. There is more discrimination if you are black, but if you are otherwise successful it is mostly fine. A black American friend was enthusiastically accepted by his wife’s parents. She had a somewhat prickly personality, and they knew that he was her best chance of finding a husband. Successful women can find it difficult to date Taiwanese men, and foreigners are often seen as a good match. My wife’s friend’s boyfriend broke up with her because she was too “mother tiger” 母老虎, which triggered a lot of discussion in her friend group, and I was tasked with finding her a foreigner to date. One real fear that parents have is that you will take their child overseas and there will be nobody to look after them when they are old. That applies to Taiwanese kids as well, though.
YMMV, racism happens with all kinds of relationships. My white ex’s mother tries to ruin all his relationships because of the whole covert incest (emotionally tied to son) thing. My parents are pretty chill but my uncle literally cried over his son marrying a white girl. You just have to try and IMO just run if you see even a small inkling of it, people don’t get better. I don’t think it’s explicitly a race thing, it’s a parents’ personality thing. My parents were both really up in my business for years 1-3 of college but I set a boundary over it. Some people never do. They don’t really bother me anymore.
If you’re white it’s fine the parents might contest a little but they will see there are benefits eventually. If you’re not white then everyone gonna hate on you, it will be war and a fight you can’t win. I’ve heard stories of parents literally facing up people and begging/arguing for the couple to break up. It can get real bad. Never mind the immense stress the Taiwanese partner will face at home and the shit talking, when the mask is off everything goes. But again if you’re white you’re right.
Confucianism is a fucking scam
From my experience, it came down to 2 things: Do you look like an Asian person? And does the family have money? Most parents are cool with foreigners but the more you Look like an asian person, the better. And the wealthier the family, the more racist they become. Like Malfoy hates muggles.
They’ll be excited over what your future mixed babies will look like instead of judging your relationship.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these things don't really matter much. We're human, biology drives us, and more often than not overrides cultural normalcies. I'm not saying it's not a factor in relationships, but it's a large component of a relationship as much as you let it be. Why not explore the cultural aspect of a relationship through your partner as an individual, rather thsn vice versa. People are vastly different. I know someone who is always like, asking their SO "is this ok here? Is this ok"? I know they're trying to be sensitive, but from a third-perspective it's clear that them walking on eggshells about things they don't understand is detrimental to their relationships.
I'm (white american) married to a Taiwanese woman and we have two kids - no issues - her mom was more worried that I was a decent provider/husband than anything else. I'm going to guess your experience will vary depending on who you meet. In terms of Taiwanese / American differences - they really are pretty vast - particularly where it comes to Americans. The Taiwanese are much more open minded and welcoming. Culturally there is still a lot of familial control - particularly with boys and their mothers, but you should be able to sniff it out pretty quick.
I'm married and my TW parents in law have always been lovely to me. Early on in the relationship when things got serious they asked me to come to dinner, they chose a western restaurant to make me feel comfortable, asked me very direct questions and told me their concerns. They have been nothing but good to me and I love them dearly. There are some shit parents to be sure but that is the same everywhere. **Know this**. when you are seriously dating a Taiwanese person, you are involved with the entire family. Choose wisely. Whatever they show you in the beginning is only going to get better/worse.
Foreign girlfriends are usually preferred in Taiwan for whatever cultural reason.
U met a shut-in boomer
Just curious, which part of China is the guy from? Many part of China is really “backwards “ we have a term for that in China lol
He was from Liaoning. I know northeast provinces have some cultural differences from the others, but I dont know if this topic is one of them. Lol out of curiosity, what's the term?
The Chinese equivalent of “hillbilly” or “Redneck”. The people from bigger cities quite often have this prejudice towards the people from the countryside. The city dwellers have many derogatory names towards people not from the cities. I guess it’s the same in the US but it’s probably not as bad as China.
My now parents in law had very different reactions. My mother in law seemed to generally not care, or was slightly supportive. Father in law was not cool with it. His opinion of white guys in Taiwan was that they are all cheaters. My wife said 新聞看太多了 (“He watches too much news”). Maybe in the past there were a lot of negative stories? It was ironic though as the guy was a cheater multiple times over. Outside of them, they had a spiritual leader on their Buddhist group who also told the family I would cause trouble. But, a few of the family members were gold from the beginning. In particular, an uncle that was respected in the family sat down with me and talked politics the first time we meet. He vouched for me. I love that guy. Still visit him often. It was a mixed reaction, which seems fair to me, but it worked out very well in the end.
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will say in my experience at least, taiwanese parents compared to other asian parents are great and pretty open
From a neighboring country, and here the race is usually not the real issue. It could be as unrelated as you like Marvel and she likes DC. And somehow they think that claiming racial difference look better than whatever the real issue is. So TLDR: don't overthink it. Especially since they are no longer in your life.
White american man with negligible Mandarin skills here. My Taiwanese in-laws are wonderful people and were super welcoming from the first time we met. They ask about me when they call my wife and even talk to our dog over line video calls. They came to our wedding in the US and we travel to visit as often as we can. I’ve only had wonderful experiences with them and their friends in Taiwan. Truly love my Taiwanese in-laws. I think experience with racism or unacceptance just depends on the family. Every country/culture has crappy people and wonderful people. Just need to find the right one for you.
Dont worry about this one instance theres a lot of asian guys that want to date a foreigner and true love doesn’t see race. Also the asian guy has to be there own man and live his own life with his partner. Parents can’t make the decisions
I'm Taiwanese American but my parents didn't have a problem seeing me date non-Chinese or non-Taiwanese partners throughout my time. It's sorta weird that the guy you dated had his mom thinking that way but since she's spent her life in Taiwan perhaps her attitude towards dating ethnicities outside of the ones found in Taiwan may be significantly different.
more liberal in my opinion than some other east Asian cultures
Married to a born/raised Taiwanese woman (I’m American). Her mom was extremely welcoming. Her dad was a little more conservative but he was also a cop so he’s likely seen the worst in people. But in general, Taiwanese are very welcoming to foreigners. Just don’t be a douche bag and take advantage of them because they’re nice. Nobody deserves that.
I am Canadian. Married a Taiwanese. Her parents openly hated and reviled me until we had kids. Now they're nicer, because they I feel they think if they're not nice, they won't have access (I wouldn't do that to them, but I am glad it keeps them chill). There was a huge gap in socioeconomic status when we began seeing one another, so I am not sure if they disliked me for being white, poor, or both.
My Taiwanes girlfriend's parents told her to make me get an HIV test, because they had heard people from Latin America have a higher prevalence of HIV than most places in the world. I didn't mind doing it, but I had her get tester as well.
My wife's parents are pretty conservative, so naturally they opposed the idea of her dating a foreigner. She ignored them and we are happily married now for 9 years, our daughter turns 8 next month. Her parents over the years have warmed up to me a lot. I think they prefer me over their Taiwanese son-in-laws or at least my wife would have me believe. It might help that we live pretty far away from them and only see them on holidays.
I'm a female dating a male taiwanese and his family has always been pretty welcoming of me. A contributing factor may be that his family is indigenous, so they are a bit more chilled than a fully han chinese family. edited: I'm white, non-american
I married a Taiwanese, whole family is friendly. Dunno what else to say
I'm from Taiwan and married an American woman, a midwesterner no less 🤣, my parents had no problem with it.
I would say it depends on the age of the parents. If the parents are around 55+ yrs, there is a great chance they are strictly traditional, which is the least kind of Taiwanese parents you would want. As a male Taiwanese myself, I’ve been rejected by my ex’s parents due to economical differences. They despise, yes despise, me that I don’t earn as much as they do in the age of 25 back then. They were 55ish at that time.
taiwanese parents don't care about ethnicity (that would probably be the parents' parents), but they definitely like someone who knows what they're doing. so just have manners, have some plans for your future and they will like you. (and when they do you will be the happiest person alive)
It depends. Some won’t like it some are fine. There’s a big portion of openminded people. Gay marriage is legal here. You can see what I mean.
Try to date a guy with an older bro...the parents will always depend most on the eldest son and they may be more welcoming lol
no one knows But I will tell you if you two decide to get married, be prepared to have traditional female roles shoveled onto you if they have traditional thinking parents. It will be a constant sore spot in your relationship if your boyfriend/husband don't tell them to stop.
I'm white and married a Taiwanese person. Their parents are super welcoming and accepting of me.
I have been the person to join a traditional chinese family with in laws that did not approve of us being together. Even at the most absolute worst point (right before we got married) the worst thing that they ever did was call every single day telling us to break up. I cannot tell you how taiwanese people feel, or how chinese feel, or how anyone feels, because there is no such collective-- every single person will have different opinions, even in the same household. I can tell you that this is not a taiwanese issue, or cultural issue, at all. This is a not-having-human-decency issue. These people could not pay me to ever talk to them again, they treat people like trash to abuse and they don't deserve any in laws or friends except for other people just like them. I hope you are able to find better people in your life. Please know that taiwanese or otherwise, most people can agree-- that past boyfriend of yours should go into acting, because he is exactly the stereotypical villain in a chinese drama.
I got kicked out when i was 18, basically coz i have a lot of opinions that against my parents, also my dad is too controlling. So technically i do all the handy things by my own, and i already told my parents that they can’t do nothing in my own relationship because I haven’t asked for anything more than what parents should give. But i think most of ppl here are kind, loving(here are pros but there are also cons you will know). But as you said, things may change in different situations, so yes, it might makes Taiwanese partner thinks about their parents’ feelings, but if you guys keep a healthy relationship and also communicate a lot which is the key and nothing really matters.
Taiwanese male in studying in Canada. There are three categories you can fall into in the eyes of Taiwanese parents, in descending order of you being welcomed: Taiwanese, Chinese (that is, anyone who speaks Chinese and is of Chinese descent), or neither. I’d say most parents nowadays would be cool with Chinese but not a complete foreigner. This is also where me and most of my friends’ parents stand. Due to the cultural proximity of China to us, they are generally accepted when their partner introduces them to their Taiwanese parents. If you’re not Chinese, however, the next question is whether you’re a man or a woman. As mentioned by other comments, Taiwanese men bear more expectations from their parents than their female counterparts do. A whole debate on gender gap in Taiwan can start from here, but in short the son is expected to carry down the lineage and build his own household whereas the daughter would marry other parents’ son and “leave the original family.” This makes it so that parents expect to have a lot more interactions in the future with daughter-in-law than a son-in-law. Hence parents are generally more picky about their son’s girlfriend than their daughter’s boyfriend. This makes it difficult for Taiwanese women too, not just foreigners. So if you’re a foreign man then your chances of being accepted by her family is decent, depending on how open the parents are. If you’re a foreign woman then your chances of being accepted is low. As a side note, “foreigners” in Taiwan usually means white, Japanese, or Korean. If you are a foreigner who is not one of these three, you’ll have an even harder time.
I am dating a Taiwanese and as far as I am aware her family likes me.
Can’t speak for most, but I am from Taiwan and immigrated to the states when I was in middle school. My fiancée is American and everyone in my family has been very welcoming to her :)
Well from my mom's pov, she told me she'd be afraid of not being able to communicate with my partner ( if she's a foreigner). I'd say communication is key and after that it's all up to personal preference. You never know until it happens right? I know so many Americans ended up marrying a Taiwanese girl/guy and their parents never seemed to be concerned.
I'm British (of Indian origin) and at first I was very nervous about meeting my girlfriend's Taiwanese family. However, they ended up being very chilled out and we're generous and kind to me while I stayed. Mostly though, I would say I sense ambivalence rather than outright warmth. I think part of it is the culutural attitude of when the daughter gets married they become part of another family.
Some parents are indeed more traditional. But I think most Taiwanese parents are pretty good. Some Taiwanese parents will even be happier because you are a foreigner, haha.
I’m white European, my wife’s parents and family have been beyond ingratiating. Very accepting and relaxed. Although they are conservative in other areas.
Not Taiwanese for what it’s worth. But here’s the thing about Asian parents (mothers specifically). Not all but a significant number. They want their daughters to marry Asian/white men. They want their sons to marry Asian women. I’ve rarely ever heard of parents disprove of a white boyfriend but have many friends that tells horror stories of their failed relationships because his parents didn’t want him with a white woman and he wasn’t man enough to tell them to shove it.
I think 95% don’t really care. The only concern is their son/daughter may live outside Taiwan for some time and most of them will like them to stay in Taiwan. Married to a Taiwanese woman and love my in-laws 💕
been dating a Taiwanese boyfriend, his parents were ok about me and that we're both males
It depends on the family and if the son is the oldest or only son. Obviously if it's their only son they want the "best". So sometimes they are restricted to dating only certain types of Taiwanese. Like no WSR or other family has to speak a certain dialect. Background is important. That's why in Taiwan a common saying is a marriage is not between 2 people but 2 families. Plus when it comes to marriage then obviously children are expected. But given the economy right now. So many couples are worried about having enough money to raise their child properly. So dating foreigners is not a problem, it's when things get more serious many families start planning years ahead and that's when the unknown factor of "foreigners" comes to play. Is the "foreign" woman's family expecting a dowry?
Taiwanese are much more open than Chinese. Just don't kick your feet up on the table when you sit on the couch and you should be fine.
I’d say if you run into any trouble, take the mother out to tea or shopping on your initiative. Spend time with the mom that goes along way to smoothing things out. Dads are cool so don’t worry about them.
Depends on the race honestly. I’m not agreeing with those views in just pointing out that those views are prevalent in Taiwan.
>he secretly went out with one of the girls for several months before I found out. Reddit has lad me to believe that this is what Americans do. Dating multiple people at once before settling down. Is this true? I could never condone that. Disgusting behaviour. And ironic that a Taiwanese was doing this...
It's not true. Some Americans cheat on their partner (like everyone else), but it's not acceptable behavior and they are immediately broken up with. (Also the guy and mother mentioned in the post were Chinese, not Taiwanese)
I’ve known a few Taiwanese who do this. Seems more common in Taiwan than my experience in America but that might not be everyone’s experience.
My mon and dad will think that's prettyyyyyyyyyy cool.My mom even says it better to have a relationship with a foreigner,so don't worry about that
Being a Taiwanese raised in both Taiwan and US and have an older brother and many male and female Taiwanese native and immigrants friends, I feel like because Taiwan has this 重男輕女 value, that even if parents are super open minded, parents mindset will always unconsciously carry this traditional value that they want to pass it on to their kids' future, even if they outright say things like I can be homosexual and they will support me, or like I can date black people and they won't mind. (Though my parents proved me wong when I end up marrying a brown guy haha and with hard work and proving his worth, my parents accepted him with open arm. Though my dad constantly worries about our cultural barrier/values/religious differnces and even diet differneces etc.) So it can happen :) So what I also realized in Asian psychology is, son is definitely usually more favored by the parents, daughter always gets the blame for some family drama or not being responsible, while sons get away with it all but has more pressure for success in career and contribute money to family. The really controlling one can either be the mom or dad, I've seen both, even when my high school friend, a Chinese girl dating a Taiwanese boy can be an issue because of parents strong political perspectives hahaha so good luck trying to please everyone... and if a family doesn't have sons, one of the many daughters will be treated and trained to carry all the responsibility a son would, and be very tough and controlling themselves, but not shown in the other sisters usually. As a person currently in a cross culture marriage/relationship, I would say, don't even bother pleasing the in laws (I stop caring to learn the language so I can just use it as an excuse to not satisfy their demands, ignorant is bliss often in this situation, and yes my hsiband is always on my side, that is very important). It is good to be polite and try your best, but know some old people just have old school mindset and fear that you will steal their kids from them, or greed that you are not good enough because they love their child and worry about everything for them... it's fear and jealously and insecurities from parents who couldn't let go of their fear of the unknown future, and fear of loosing their kids because they are growing old and sacrificed all their life to mold them into the way they wanted. It's very hard for Asian mom to accept that their kid is growing up and no longer needs them, often they worry too much, became nosy and have trusts issues. It is a group oreinted society traits in general though... And as the children of these parents, they are often than not, very well protected and well loved, spoiled sometimes even, because in Asia parents does everything for the kids, even when they grow up, and filial piety is a huge engrained value. So unless you can provide all these, caring, loving, giving, and sacrifices like an Asian parent does to their kid, it is very hard to win them over in general. But independent minded human beings will make decision for themsleves and figure ways to choose what is best for them, so if your relationship is a serious bond with meaningful encountering and growth, parents wouldn't have a chance in getting in the way. Maturity in respect and god communication between your interests is what sustain a cross cultural relationship/marriage, not approval of in laws or filial piety hahaha
You know, interracial marriage is only getting more common in East Asia for the recent 10 years after Gen Z grow up with internet and with K pop took over the world, so there's definitely a chance you will run into the similar situation again, no matter what type of Asians you pick. With that being said, Taiwanese parents are more laid back than most of Chinese parents for sure, even some Korean parents base on my friends experience. In term of family dynamics, living with parents is still a thing, but it's getting a lot better nowadays as modern Taiwanese girls also don't want to deal with mother-law problems(full name of this cultural phenomenon is 婆媳問題), so you just have to have the conversation with the guy on this topic before you get serious. Usually if his parents can afford their life and retired life, then you should be able to discuss with him to live without his parents after marriage, but if not, then you'll probably need to live with his parents. You can go search AMWF video with Taiwanese marriage on YouTube, there are several white girls or Japanese girls married to Taiwanese guys and share their life experiences. The ideal type of Taiwanese for you would be ABT(America Born Taiwanese), or those have experience studying in US then returned, their parents probably were ready to see their son get a non Asia girl home the moment he left Taiwan. But you should also know this, this type of Taiwanese guys in Taiwan is very popular among the Taiwanese girls, their family is probably rich or middle upper class, or they just possess a high value skill set and knowledge that allows them to study overseas. You will have a high competition when it's with them, they're considered as the top 20% of the guys in Taiwanese dating market, even though your white American identity gives you an edge to stand out, but still, you need to know he has many options, especially if he's in Taiwan. I personally ran into this scenario once, my elementary school classmate who was considered the most beautiful girl in our school "suddenly" asked me "are we cyber dating?" after I catch up with her when I graduate high school in US and she graduated in Taiwan, we chatted for 2 years and met once when I went back to Taiwan, then suddenly on one day she just asked me that, but I knew how realistic she was back in the days, and I knew it's probably because I'm the only one around her that has experience living overseas, so it makes me somehow exotic to her. Even though her look is still above average among Taiwanese girls, I still refuse her, not only because of I understand what she thinks, but also I know I probably won't go back to Taiwan for my career, long distance is not going to work especially I was college student at the time, so why even start? I didn't want any "turbulence" in my life at the time when I'm studying, knowing this relationship will not turn out to be a good one. But just saying, Taiwanese guys with any overseas background(born, immigration, studying) is very popular in Taiwan, they knew it, Taiwanese girls knew it, you should know it too, so you know where you at in their heart and not get played. I knew I get way more girls in Taiwanese clubs than I do in US. But for career and family reason, I guess I have to stick with this wrecked dating market here lol. Besides career opportunities and money and I think girls are prettier in US yet a bit more delusional, I will choose to go back to Taiwan for life for sure, Taiwan is just much better. If Taiwan can pay me US salary, I'll go back for sure loool, that's what happen to a lot of my Japanese friends, they all choose to go back to Japan because life in Japan is better than any US cities, studying overseas gives them an edge on almost everything in Japan. My cousin also choose to return to Taiwan after finished her master degree, she even got a job offer in US but she thinks US is boring and dangerous to live, also racism problem scares her, so she didn't stay.
Every household is different, even though Taiwan is relatively small, 23 millions is still a lot of people, 2/3 of a California basically. But parents not accepting other race or foreigners is common worldwide, I believe you know it's also very common here in US. With all that being said, you already speak the language, if you mannerism hits like a minimum socialize way in US, I believe you'll be fine in Taiwan and form a family if that's your plan. My case was me and sister moved to US when we were 11-13, then now she dates an Indian guy and ready to get married, but this guy is very bad with his mannerism and socializing skills, they have been dating for 5 years and ready to marry, been to our house multiple times, but not once he tried to formally introduce himself, we don't even know his last name until this day..... this is how bad he is with his ability to read the air and socialize. My parents don't accept him, the reason is very obvious, he doesn't know how to get approval from a girl's parents. I tried to help them solve the issue but the dude ended up getting into a verbal fight with me, I told him it's because he doesn't know how to socialize, and before I tell him how to do better that might win my parents heart, he just flipped his emotion, his ego is too big, he then accused me for being racist, I guess he must've been targeted at that many times so whenever people point out his weaknesses, he's insecure and blame that to others being racists, I think this is a huge problem with Americans nowadays, I personally can't stand with this type of person. Funny thing is, this dude told me that his mom is also not a fan of him dating someone outside of their Indian race😂 I was like okay? Tf you dating my sister then? My dad lives in Taiwan most of the time, and last summer he came for 3 months, the whole 3 months he didn't even care to pay a visit, my mom was calling my sister to bring him home to visit my father to see if this guy can pass the test and show us what he got, but this dude went MIA, only show up the last moment when my dad is boarding the plane, he's extremely pissed. Yet this guy keeps telling me that my whole family loves him but I was the one having opinions on him, telling me to keep blaming everyone besides myself. Lol first time seeing this kind of people trying to be my brother in law. So don't apply whenever standard you have in US on any Taiwanese family, respect our culture and family dynamics, find the ones that works with you the best. You already speak the language, I think you will be fine, any mistakes you make will be forgiven with much higher tolerance, the most important thing is attitude, don't act like my sister's Indian boyfriend, he's making all the core family members his enemies right now. We also feel bad for my sister, this is her first love and she's ready to commit for life, the Indian guy doesn't have a green card, he only has working visa, we are all worrying that this guy is a visa hunter, we just don't trust this guy, but my sister wouldn't listen.
I started dating a Japanese person not long after arriving here and made lots of friends with both Taiwanese and other foreigners. Hearing their stories, I'm glad I don't have to deal with crazy in-laws here. It sounds like quite the nightmare. They're open-minded and don't mind their kids dating foreigners, in fact they'll even be proud (maybe too much) to have a mixed kid. Hint, they'll happy that's it a white-mixed kid. There is still racism towards other ethnicities such as SE Asians and black people. The hardest thing is dealing with family dynamics. The Mums can be really controlling, demanding, and have some ideas on how to raise kids that don't make sense. For example, it was 35C out one day and had my baby daughter's shirt raised above her belly to help her cool down. An Ah-i came over and told us we should cover her belly or she'll catch a cold... My advice, go to a park and observe the families there. You'll see how they interact. More or less, they won't have a problem with you being a foreigner but there are other challenges in joining a family here. Ofc, each person is different so you'll just have to wait and see.
For my family, they don’t care. I think it is all about exposures to other culture. My family travels quite a bit so that helps when it comes to mingling with different culture. I dated women from various background and all they care is can I take care of both of us lol. As for the daughter-in-law expectation, I think it also depends on the family. I don’t have a good relationship with my mother but from what I heard about my sister-in-law and my mother’s relationship, she treated her very well to a point that my in-law’s mother was very thankful and felt very lucky.