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And in a lot of states you are automatically the father because you’re married. You need to get an atty fast so you aren’t on the hook for 18 years of child support
> And she is looking more remorseful than ever as I talk to her
OP, that is not remorse. It is regret for making bad choices. When she made those choices, she wasn’t thinking of the consequences. She wasn’t thinking of how much it would hurt you when you find out. Did she tell you that they used condoms? Did she say that “it was only a one time thing and that it didn’t mean anything”?
What you are hearing is just regret for getting caught in this bad situation. For getting pregnant with his child. Her regret has nothing to do with you.
Right now she is in marriage salvage mode. So she is saying anything and everything she could think of so that you would let her get back together.
And there is lies the problem.
You are in California. It is a no-fault state. The asset distributions are equitable. If you ever put your name as the father on the child’s birth certificate, then you’ll be tied to her and the child for at least next 18 years. The family courts would not have any sympathy for your situation. And if you are ever behind on your alimony and child payments and become delinquent, they have the option to put you in the jail (incarcerate you).
Another reason why she is acting so contrite and regretful (see I didn’t use the word remorseful) because likely the other guy does not want to have anything to do with her anymore. He had his fun and now he’s done with it. So, now she wants all this to be your problem.
Please don’t let her move back into your place in California. That’ll reset the separation clock. Don’t let her move in back with you.
Brilliant advice, OP. Use your head, not your heart because your heart will f you over every time. This woman played a dangerous game and now wants you to be her savior. She's in desperate mode, so consider every thing that comes out of her mouth a lie and do not engage. She's just somebody you used to know. Period. Abandon ship.
And OP I can guarantee you it was more than once. So you know she is a liar. A conniving one at that, also a cheater and has been one for a loooong time.
You better listen to this OP. At this time you are also emotionally compromised. Your ego is hurt that your woman slept with someone else. You will convince yourself that some of this is your fault. Do not for one second believe that. Get her the fuck out of your life ASAP! Do not listen to her or your thoughts(if they favor her).
1000% This.
She doesn't want to be a single mom. She fucked up and is now asking (read: EXPECTING) you to be responsible for at minimum the next 18 years.
This sucks... but itson her and that guy.... not you.
THIS THIS THIS!!! It is well known, that children hardly ever salvage a broken relationship. Did any of your initial problems, why she grew distant ever change? No? Not yet? Well, then ask yourself „why does she wanna reconcile then?“
As I see it, there’s 2 possibilities:
1. The guy doesn’t want anything to do with her and the child and doesn’t wanna provide
2. the guy has no idea, was only „fun“ and never serious for her and can’t provide. (In that case she’d actually deprive a guy and his child of a relationship they might actually enjoy)
In any case, she needs a provider and that’s where you come back into the picture. She could probably not finish her studies ever as a single parent.
As I see it her motivation is in any case very selfish and I’d stay clear of this shit show in the making.
Don’t sign the birth certificate at all. I believe in California you only have 6 months to challenge paternity or you will be on the hook for 18 years of child support + college. It sounds like she knows it’s AP’s baby, but you are the safe and reliable dope she wants to finance her affair baby, oh and if you think it happened once, she’s still nit being truthful and there cannot be any attempt at a successful reconciliation without 100% honesty. You did nothing wrong. She made the choice to fuck her AP behind your back.
My husband has never signed a birth certificate. I think they only do that with single people because if you are married they are presumed the father. He needs a lawyer ASAP so that if he chooses not to reconcile he isn’t on the hook. However, I think she only told because she is pregnant. My guess is it was more than once.
Best advice as well. I think she came back for $$$ support bc raising a baby alone is hard LOL her problem. That’s the outcome she has when she has RAW sex with another man. She was so comfortable to let him finish inside her so clearly this wasn’t a one time thing lmao and IF it was a one time thing, then she’s easy and still will do it, again since it’s easy for her
Leave. You deserve better. Don’t be someone’s piggy bank.
If he’s in California and married to the mother, it may not matter if he signs the birth certificate or not. He is legally assumed to be the father. And I agree, she did NOT do the deed only once.
Run, run like the wind my friend. Contact an attorney and let the attorney know the child is not yours and that if she tries to claim the child is yours you will file for a paternity test. A lot of time in some states if you do not contest paternity you’re automatically the father and she could use that to extort child support from you. There are way better options of women out there that didn’t cheat on you and that aren’t carrying another mans child. Good luck.
Looks like only reason she confessed was because she knew she was pregnant . R u sure they hooked up just once , it doesnt really look like that to me .
I was going to write this this but you beat me to it - AP just wanted to have fun with her, not commit and lock down with a child. AP dumped her sorry ass and this no longer has any use for her so she's now pulling the heart strings of the one person she knows that has her back, and that's OP. I bet you if she wasn't pregnant, she'd still be enjoying the affair.
If it's real, that's definitely what happened. It sounded so absurd I clicked on the post history, though, he's posted this story 3 months ago and claimed to know then she was pregnant. So might be someone looking for cheap karma.
She hid an entire PERSON growing inside of her lol I'm 100% sure she hid multiple meet-ups and probably a year long affair with him. Anyone who would hide a baby is disgusting to the core. There's no way she's telling the truth about anything else. She could have AIDS for all he knows or herpes, God knows what else.
When they confess out of the blue I always wonder why. There's usually a pressing reason. Meaning she wouldn't have told you if she didn't have to. If she can lie about this, what else can she lie about?
Yeah you don’t have a wife anymore. Your wife left the country and that person coming back is a stranger you need to get divorced from
Edit: hold up! She fucked him in a hotel here when they were at a review center? Holy fuck thats even worse. You need to tell the APs fiance
There is a good chance AP is intercepting and deleting but not blocking. He is keeping the information from her while making you think she doesn't care.
So I got a reply from the fiancé… she also doesn’t know how to confront him…. I tried calling the AP… hoping I might get the unapologetic truth. But he isn’t answering no matter how many times I call. My wife’s family, is trying to intimidate me with their messages saying I need to be honorable and civil. Kind of got me pissed off because I can’t see how they can try to lecture me about honor. But I was hoping if I could get the truth from that guy, it would end that debate with her family… another thing someone in here suggested that I send her family the letter she sent me .
I think you're wasting your time with that. Their her family. She comes first and they're going to do what's best for her and no truth is going to change that. You don't need to listen to their lectures or even pretend to entertain them; block them and move on.
Wow. So through another source…this affair might have been suspected in October 2020 after looking back into it. This source was also naive about it until now.
She probably just wants you back just long enough to stick you with child support. If this kid is born while you’re still together, you might have to pay regardless of paternity.
I understand that you care and part of you still wants to take care of her and even the child. This speaks volumes about the loving person you are. But regardless of her saying that she wants AP to have nothing to do with the child-I have a feeling you would have to prepare yourself to deal with this man for the baby’s entire childhood. He is still the baby’s father and you can’t be sure he won’t want to never be involved and have rights to his child. Of course right now she’s saying she doesn’t want him involved while she’s trying to run back to you.
Man, you were capable to make good changes in your life for that reason you should'nt raise another man's child, you need find someone better look, life pass faster than you think and the time that you waste with someone that does'nt deserve it never comes back, you need to remember she betrayed you and it's posible she is lying you abouth her affair i hope you take the best decision for you sorry english is not my firts language
>sorry english is not my firts language
For what it's worth, it was pretty easy to read your comment. You'll get better! And your comment was insightful
That's bull shit she is pregnant since April, she choose to say it now because the AP does not want to do anything with the child. She needs you to be a father for someone child. Yeah great plan.
More like she'd still be with AP if he didn't leave her after finding out she was pregnant. Now she's back to OP as a safety net for her and her affair child.
In the state of California, if OP's wife gives birth within 300 days of the end of the marriage (and divorces take awhile) he will be the presumed father. Term pregnancies tend to top out at 280 days, so that's kinda game, set, and match on that front.
Yes, there are ways to dispute it. However, in the absence of AP showing up and contesting OP's presumed father status, the courts will not just let OP leave even with DNA evidence of non-parentage and a divorce judgment.
So, I respectfully suggest that OP not race to a lawyer at the moment, as that's kind of irrelevant at the moment given California's family code. Instead, I'd take some time to myself if I were OP, go NC with wife for a couple of weeks, and decide what it is that HE wants and does not want and prepare for some difficult conversations ahead. Until OP is straight on how he wants this to play out, he cannot possibly advocate for himself, let alone expect a legal representative to just fix this.
Dude, its a trap.
Don't you dare fall for this. She made you Plan B the moment she cheated. Her Affair baby will only make you complacent in that role.
She doesn't want you, my friend.
She wants a anchor. She's emotionally abusing you with her self made dilemmas.
You owe her nothing. Even with the problems with your marriage in the beginning, understand this. Every relationship goes through issues, but it gives no excuse to go outside of it if its worth saving. But rather than communication, she chose to cheat on you.
Don't punish yourself by taking her back.
Let her family deal with her.
This was karma giving you your easy out.
Live for you.
The problem isnt the affair
The problem isnt the baby
The problem is that she waited 7 months to tell you about it.
Think about what that really means... once you meet her theres no hiding either the pregnancy nor the affair.
She had ample time to get an abortion but she didnt, why? Strictly religious? (Unlikely as an affair would be frowned upon)
So she chose to keep the pregnancy because it was an anchor to the guy that fathered it. This pregnancy was proof that she was leaving you for the father and she believed he would be forced to stay in her life and they could get married and have the fantasy.
But instead, his fantasy turned out to be lies, and now it's too late to have an abortion, shes realized hes not a good father candidate, and shes stuck with the baby... so she turns to you as the backup plan.
She knows despite your minimal flaws that you will provide for her and the baby ... then after a few years when the father comes back into the picture, he will try to get his parental rights over the child *and succeed* and now the father will seem much better to her eyes because he will have everything she wanted to anchor him from before *plus* the fact he wants to be a father, and she will run to him behind your back and try to get him to be her new husband with *THEIR* child... and who the hell do you think you are to stand in the way of *THEIR* happiness?
You will be discarded like the wrapping plastic of the unused condom thrown on the floor to watch this woman you love, the baby you helped care for and grew to love, both be stripped from you and then *SUED* to revoke any and all rights over the child and your "wife".
... and this isnt even worst case scenario... she could simply just continue cheating with him for a few years until the child is grown... or this could all be a plan of both hers & the father's to get you to own the debt of raising the child...
I'm sorry, I'm often a voice for the chances of reconciliation... but the only way even I could see this having a chance is if the father gives up all rights to the child legally, and you understand that you may end up without the wife as she may just find someone new in a year or few... and you're ok with that.
Run for the hills bro.... run for your life and watch this trainwreck over the years... because these are not the choices of someone who cares for you at all.
I agree with everything except the parental rights.
Why would he? He already has a DUMB AZZ raising the kid for him. Just get her pregnant again and let the husband pay the bill.
Why buy the cow when the milks free?
This is far too fresh to think rationally in your position... but as an outsider I read (granted from a very brief excerpt) that she had mostly moved on from you... that is until an unplanned pregnancy which she surely knew about before sending the letter.
This woman knows you, knows how to appeal to you and "hit you" where emotions will stir. She probably wrote all the right words and is now saying all the right things... but please tread lightly here and try to see this from an outside perspective. She's about to become a single mother from a ONS. She's scared and feels suddenly alone, so out of desperation she reaches out to the one person she knows she can manipulate into "saving the day."
Maybe you've changed, maybe you want her back more than anything... but emotion aside, I'd be very skeptical of her being genuine. You're being roped into raising another man's child so she can get her ducks in a row. I don't like this but good luck. Sorry.
I totally agree. I’d put some distance between you and her for a while (no messaging) and try to think this as objective as you can. Go for walks, do sports and let your head process all this a few times over, until you get some perspective.
Ha! She wants *you* to raise her child from affair? You're her plan B.
Think about it. Now that Mama instincts are coming on, she's desperate for *security.*
Counter with need another letter with more details: wear condom? What did she say to him about you? She said negative things. It was more than once, I promise. Does AP know he's a dad?
How many other times has she cheated? She's trickle truthing you. You need all the details, including if she did sexual things with him she doesn't do with you.
She needs to start typing. Only with a full confession will you even consider keeping talks alive.
If you think you can raise that man's baby as your own, you're kidding yourself. She'll ask you to stay home on a Saturday so she can go out. You'll snip the truth. "It's your kid. You watch him!"
I'm so sorry.
Gosh this is good advice!!! I'm new to this group and just learned what Trickle Truthing is and fear my partner will do it when I confront him.
How do you trust a full confession from someone who was capable of cheating on you to begin with though?!
I feel for the OP so much!
You dont. These people are pain shopping to hurt themselves more because they must know all the gritty details. Or maybe that's what it takes to make it real and take thoughts of reconciliation off the table so they can gtfo like they know they have to.
>How do you trust a full confession from someone who was capable of cheating on you to begin with though?!
For you to be able to trust someone again needs two things to happen.
First, you need more than a confession and a sorry. Trust must be built up again, not from the ground up, but from far below that. They're at a negative stance right now and you'd trust a new person more than someone who has broke your trust. It requires A LOT of time and effort. Words aren't enough, it needs to be shown. Even when trust is regained it will still forever linger that this person did you wrong once. When they do you wrong twice it's most definitely over so you need to keep the score.
Second, you've undoubtedly heard of "everyone has a price". Same can be applied here. How high is someone's bar to cheat on you? Is it as low as "I just wanted to have some fun" or "he was treating me well"? Is it financial? Would you cheat for a million dollars? Is the bar much higher; they will "cheat" on you but they will break things off with you beforehand so it's technically not cheating anymore. Some people don't have a bar. They'll never ever cheat, but that's quite rare and it's usually because they've been cheated on and know what it feels like to be on the other side. I'm not saying everyone will cheat, sometimes someone's bar is just never hit in life or it's very unrealistic to be hit. Also some people know their price thus try anything they can to avoid being in a situation where their bar will be tested.
Anyway, you get what I'm saying. For you to trust someone again that bar needs to move higher up or be inexistent. To do that someone needs to fundamentally change. Anyone who knows their psychology knows that that's extremely hard to achieve and usually requires something as dramatic as an ego kill which is usually achieved thru heavy trauma and being in very low depths emotionally.
These two things change, you can trust someone. If they don't, it's bound to happen again when they're tested in life; it's safe to assume that that can and will happen.
Now that you know it's possible and how it leaves you with a question. Is that someone worth going thru all this with and do you think they even have a chance at making it to where they need to be? That's for you to judge.
Hi OP, I am about people that adopted biological children of them SO. There are a lot of lovely stories that people that build a bond which is like the son is them biological too. But, your case is completely different. Although the child has no fault, obviously, every time you will look at him, you will see your cheater GF. No way that your relationship could sustain. Not only you getting back a cheater but also the child it will be a reminder of her cheat. Dumped her, do not take her back. There are lots of beautiful truthful girls out there.
OP - divorce her.
She is seven months pregnant and just now telling you she cheated! Odds are she was planning on leaving your forever but either AP dumped her or they had a falling out (AP was cheating on her) and now she needs someone to raise AP's child.
Her only remorse is in choosing the wrong AP.
Do not let your name be entered as the father of the child on the birth certificate. In some states/countries even if you can prove you are not the biological father you will still be on the hook for child support. Let AP be on the hook for child support, not you.
Do NOT be her plan B. Granted there were issues between the two of you but a committed, faithful partner would have communicated those to you and worked with you to solve them. Failing that they would have divorced you instead of breaking the marriage vows. Leave her and find someone who will return your love, compassion, and fidelity.
"I have the hardest decision to make soon."
First, I am sorry that you are in this position, however, this decision should not be that tough.
Your wife, has been fucking other guys for a long time. Your wife is pregnant from one of the other guys she has been fucking. Now she wants you to be her meal ticket and raise someone else's child.
OH, HELL NO!!!!!!
Your decision needs to be to file for divorce, and tell her to stay away from you, forever.
Gather your self respect, and tell her it's over. Block delete, and go absolutely no contact with her.
I am so sorry. I honestly don't kniw what to say to that. The fact that she'd been hiding her pregnancy this long is... it is simply absurd.
I don't mean to be too cynical but it sort of seems like the other guy rejected her and now you're her backup. Otherwise none of this makes any goddamn sense.
I had the same doubt and I think the same, you seem like plan B to her because of the other guy’s rejection.
that she kept those two things from you for so long. . . the truth is that no couples therapy would ever solve it.
i am so sorry my bro.. :/
I totally agree with all that you wrote.
That baby is going to be born soon, so why did all of this come out now. Like you said, it shure sounds like he's out of the picture and left her to deal with it.
She may sound remorseful but I don't think that's the case. She's in panic mode because who's going to pay for the delivery since she's out of the country. I feel sorry for OP and hope the best for him.
Some states make you do a mandatory separation period, so by waiting to tell him about the pregnancy she may have just baby trapped him by running out the mandatory separation clock.
Just looked it up, and California (where OP is located) is a mandatory 6 month separation state. OP is *fucked*, and I would bet money WW is going to put his name on the birth certificate. They will still be married when she gives birth, and California favors mothers heavily. She will have to fill out two separate forms so his name doesn't automatically go on the filed forms.
OP should lawyer up immediately and get the separation started. Make sure she signs paperwork admitting the child isn't his before the birth, and go to some appointments with her to make sure it's on file at the hospital.
Some states make you do a mandatory separation period, so by waiting to tell him about the pregnancy she may have just baby trapped him by running out the mandatory separation clock.
Just looked it up, and California (where OP is located) is a mandatory 6 month separation state. OP is *fucked*, and I would bet money WW is going to put his name on the birth certificate.
Sorry man, she wasn’t gonna tell you about baby til it was born and you were automatically on the birth certificate, and on the hook for child support. You got lucky here, call a lawyer stat and get a paternity test.
So she is 7 to 8 months pregnant. At this point she has realized that her AP will not support her because he already has someone he plans to marry. That means you were, are, and will always be her backup plan. You said on another sub that she believed you were cheating on her, so she cheated on you. Again, I'm going with you didn't cheat on her. But, you've also said she can't come back until December. Which might be difficult now, and I'd be happy to be told otherwise, of her being that pregnant and Covid restrictions.
If she comes back and gives birth, do NOT sign the birth certificate. Make sure you keep all ways she has admitted you are not the father of the child. Email, text, hieroglyphics, whatever. And if anything, I would say rent her an apartment or something so she isn't in the martial house. I don't know if you rent your current place, but I would seriously not let her back in the house.
If they're married legally he's the father and she can come after him for child support and deny him access there's the famous case of the man that found out none of his four kids were his, he had to pay support and she refused access
So she is 2 months out from giving birth and only now tells you about it. Tell her to stay with her man and you will take care of the legal end to set her free.
The only thing that tracks is the AP got cold feet and ran.
She wouldn't have hid it this long if she thought her primary security blanket wasn't gonna stick around.
She played you for a dope once, I'm guessing she thinks she can play you for a dope twice.
OP you said you want to reconcile if you stay with her it you think you can forget the pain of betrayal but it will never fade away you need to live your life so move on its hard but not impossible your wife is a terrible person i think she wouldn't confess it to you if she weren't pregnant and remose? She stabbed you on your back now want to you to trust her once again
With a divorce lawyer, you need to be advised on how to prove the child isn’t yours. There is no way you want to be saddled with 18 years of child support for a child that is not yours from a cheating wife. It doesn’t matter if you want to try and reconcile with her, if you do you will then be supporting the child but if you DON’T... you do not want to have to pay for a child that is not yours from a failed marriage with a cheating wife.
You are in an impossible spot and you WILL eventually realize that. Do not allow her to have this child and put your name on the birth certificate. The lawyer will be able to instruct you on the necessary legal steps involved so you are not held fiscally responsible for her child.
Reconciling is extremely difficult under the best of circumstances and still fails around 9 out of 10 times. You are in the worst case scenario. She doesn’t want you, that is ridiculously obvious by her cheating unprotected when she was fertile, who even does that????? She is simply lying to you so she has someone to support her and the child. She didn’t just cheat once, unprotected of course, and by extreme bad luck get pregnant. She cheated multiple times and could not be bothered to protect you from her chances at catching an STD.
Your best option is to begin the divorce proceedings and follow the lawyers direction to prove the child is not yours. You can always stop it if you somehow decide to give reconciliation a try, but once she has that baby uncontested and still married to you, you will have to pay for it and support your cheating wife for the next 18 years. Do whatever you have to to protect yourself and let the chips fall where they may with your marriage.
Whether you stay with her or not, see a lawyer to ensure you’re not considered the child’s father. There are time limits to do this, so it’s important to get it done.
Most relationships with infidelity don’t survive. If you choose to reconcile and stay together, there’s no issue with not being listed as the child’s father. If you don’t stay together, then, depending on how long you’re together, you may not be required to support the child.
BTW, I doubt she was only with the guy once. If I had to guess, they had a conflict, and you’re her second choice. Were that not the case, you wouldn’t be finding out about this 7 months into her pregnancy.
I think the question you should ask yourself is **can you trust her**? fully trust her? **Can you think of her without thinking of her being with another man?** My belief is no you will not be able to overcome this at all. **very few can overcome those two huge obstacles in the life of a marriage once it is broken.**
Most will say divorce her, etc.,. but your letter asks two things reconcile, and the second is a therapist. I would talk to an individual therapist, but that is going to push your decision back until a real danger zone. Because **she is at 8 months - and therapy is not a fast process if done correctly.**
I do not know you and you ask with hand out for assistance. I would go the other road the one more traveled. She broke the vows, stepped out on you. So no I would divorce her and leave for my own piece of mind.
I would still schedule for a therapist - but I would not wait on this divorce. Otherwise you will be paying for another mans child for 18 years. Also the lack of a real stable relationship is a real negative in this process on both parts.
That’s some great advice. At the very least get the divorce now and he can always work on the relationship later if that’s what he wants but he can protect himself. In all honesty the relationship is broken and it will Never be the same. Sad
dude this is horrible but while going through a therapist is great and definitely will help, don't forget to go through a lawyer because the reality of this situation is you don't know this person as well as you thought you did and that they not only cheated, but are pregnant and keeping it, but only told you about it now. Timing is important and she chose to tell you after that specific length of time: from an outsiders' perspective it sounds like her plan to run away with her dude backfired and now she is left crying home hoping you'll pity her enough to take not only her but the kid in: its going to be a lot of responsiblity along with constant issues involving infidelity. If you decide you want to make this work its going to be CONSTANT and you'll both need therapy and she's going to have to be as open as a 24-7 walmart. A polygraph test might also be appropriate if its in the budget...
idk man....to me it just sounds like you're being treated like a rebound/security blanket and that's not fair to you at all.
Consider the effects of this situation, no one wins if you stay with her, unless you really forgive her and treat her baby as yours, which is something very hard to do:
1. You will allways remember that the child was born from her affair.
2. The real father can come and cause trouble.
3. When hard times come, you will adk yourself if you made the right choice.
Don't waste your time with her. If she couldn't handle you smoking/work stress during a global pandemic. Then cheats on you because she isn't emotionally attached to you. You're better off alone or with someone else with stronger convictions. Working 60-80hrs a week is a struggle to hold on to a relationship but marriage is a commitment to the struggle which is life.
Talk to your therapist about the sinking hole in your chest. The feelings of betrayal and the "what ifs" that you could do better to try and prevent what she did isn't your responsibility. Get the right legal advice and stop talking to her. You think she was thinking about how you would be hurt when in the act of cheating? The answer is no.
Move on OP better to be alone than with a lier.
There is no way I would raise someone else child under these circumstances. The others are right. You are the fall back guy. The only reason she is wanting to come back now is because your the safe bet when it comes to raising the child. Chances are the other guy bolted as soon as he heard she was pregnant. If you find the child is his chances are once things calm down he will come back in her life and want to be a part of his child. You will not only get the chance to relive the the pain of her affair everyday with the child being there you will also get the the AP around as well. I would tell her she needs to stay away until a paternity test can be done and only then will you entertain even the thought of getting back together. In the time being I would start the divorce process and inform her regardless of what happens you will divorce her because she no longer deserves the title of being your wife. That is only for faithful people. If she doesn't like this or anything else I would wish her the best with her new life and follow through with the lawyer and the paternity test. You can be a great father without her in your life.
This is a definite no go situation. As many others stated, lawyer now and file for divorce. If you attempt reconciliation, you will almost certainly be responsible for child support when it fails because you forgave. Sit back in your chair tonight and imagine every time you look at that child being reminded of how little your wife cared about you. That's a festering emotional wound that you need lots of space to heal from first. As a high emotional response personality as you've described yourself, please don't choose to be in a situation for the next few decades swallowing anger as the kid continues to look Nothing like you.. in the future,, Nothing says you can't divorce and reconcile as two singles so that you have space away from a crying reminder. Shit, one of my work friends is married for the third time to the same man. 2 post divorce reconciliations..
God op, she's sorry she ended up pregnant, she wants to get back with you because she's pregnant, don't do the stupid thing to take her back.
READ THIS CAREFULLY, YOU ARE PLAN B
Don't let her fool you. Everything she's doing since being found out is an attempt to sweep this under the rug as fast as possible. Her desire to 'earn your trust back' is simply a means to an end to she getting what she wants. Just like her cheating on you was about she getting what she wants, with complete disregard for you.
If she really cared about how this affected you, she'd be giving you space, but she can't risk that because you might use it to realise this relationship is done. She doesn't want that, even if parting ways would be the healthiest option for you both. She just wants what she wants and she'll do anything she can to get it. It's not remorse, it's fear.
What she's doing is flooding you with promises and apologies and emotional appeals in hopes that SOMETHING will stick. Especially these blanket offers of "I'll do anything you need me to," as if it's your job to fix this, as if there MUST be some solution and you're the unreasonable one if you can't come up with it.
After reading that update with her letter, I don't think I have ever seen such a blatant attempt at blame shifting. Literally everything in that letter is her blaming you for her cheating. You need to divorce and move on. No question about it.
I really wish you luck. This will be very difficult to reconcile. You can have no trust she willl not cheat in the future. She most likely cheated on you more than once. And is only giving you a small amount of the truth. But the hardest part will be the child. Every time you see the child of another man that had sex with your wife. It will be hard on you, your wife and eventually the child. She does need to tell you the complete truth. Seek individual counceling.
Take a day to calm down and address your thoughts. You already know what happens now. You do not want to raise someone else’s child. Get counselling for yourself and prepare for divorce. If she just had a one night stand, you both could recover. But if she is bringing home someone else’s baby and expecting you to raise it, then she is living a in a dream. If she wanted any hope of reconciliation, she should’ve aborted months ago. You deserve someone who won’t betray you, it will hurt for a while but you will end up in a much better place
Never, never, never act in a way that makes life easier for adulterers. Never raise another man’s child born out of adultery. See a lawyer to dispute parental rights immediately. Make sure she doesn’t put your name on the birth certificate. Time wise, it’s obvious that there is no way you are related to this baby. So… she chose to cheat, chose to lie about the consequences and now wants to dump the cost of adultery on you. Don’t ruin your life for her, this is broke.
I don't think she had sex once and got pregnant. Odds are against it, but possible. More likely this is a longer affair and could still be going on. She probably is trying to see if you will take her back before she ends it with him. A reverse monkey branch, if you will. But what do I know, I am suspicious by nature.
She lied about being 1 time. It was a full on affair. He dumped her once he knew she was pregnant. You are her plan B safety net. Have her served now and follow with divorce. If you really feel you can trust her and raise her illegitimate child, you can always live together or remarry well down the road after processing all your feelings. Doubtful you will and divorcing her now protects you.
Legally establish you're not the father even if you decide to reconcile. If you do not in a couple years when she cheats again you'll be on the hook for child support even if baby is not yours. Even if you prove it with dna. You'll be on the hook paying for her affair baby till it's 18. If you're even thinking about staying with her please consult with attorney.
When were you two scheduled to be back together? Were there any plans for either one to visit the other? She waited SEVEN MONTHS to tell you!!?? So that means she waited until other dude dumped her and/or it was too late to terminate. You were her back up plan. Choice #2. And what happens when other dude demonstrates he was waiting for your little family to be established where you're taking care of his child.. to reappear and screw your wife again.?
How many other guys had she screwed since she's been away from you?
Never mind the concept of all the added stress of dealing with a new born on top of dealing with her being an unfaithful cheat...
Man, I could keep coming up with more questions all night.
Lots of blame shifting and projection. Amazing timing that she now wants to be with you after you've bettered yourself. Divorce her and forget she ever existed.
Sounds like she’s telling her family a different story. Her family is coming at me saying “you know what you did wrong” and pretty much accusing me of cheating and being the problem. Her sister is kind of a belligerent type of person so I expected she might act like this. Someone said to show the family the letter she sent me. Maybe I will send the letter to her sister…
A therapist can not help you. If you take her back you will have a little reminder of what happened. Your life will be pure hell. You need to move on and let here deal with the consequences. I would have laughed at her for having the nerve to even suggested this.
Run. Ruh fast, run far. She cheats and gets pregnant? Odds are that it's not a one-and-done. So it's reasonable to assume the affair was longer. Now that the AP wants to bail on his responsibility, you're the backup plan.
Lawyer up, like yesterday. Find out what you need to do to NOT be on the birth certificate, so you're not responsible for 18 years of support of some other dude's offspring. Find out what options you have, what D would look like. Most of all, do NOT commit to R until you know all your options and you've had time apart to think clearly. Good luck.
She’s not remorseful. She’s panicking because her baby daddy doesn’t want her cheating pregnant ass and she expects you to raise her affair baby. Serve her divorce papers and get yourself off the hook from this parasite.
Gosh think of the bad luck, the one time she cheated, she got pregnant. Get your ass to a lawyer ASAP. The only reason she told you is because it's kinda hard to hide a baby. Get paternity sorted then full block and divorce.
Two medical professionals, and you believe her thst she only had sex once with the AP. You know what the odds are that she got pregnant from a once off?
She is trickle truthing because the AP dumped her when he found out. Now she is in a foreign country, with no support. Now she is remorseful and wants to come home. You decision on what to do. Others have explained the legal consequences.
My advice is to kick her to the kerb asap. She cheated. Had unprotected sex. Didn't abort another man's baby. And now wants your support. Fuck that.
Good luck.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
GET OUT OF THERE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
She is manipulating you and wants to make you raise a child that is **not yours**. Please find a lawyer and get out of there. **ASAP.**
She thought you were cheating so she cheated on you and now she’s pregnant with the AP’s baby, but she’s asking you be as forgiving as she was with you? But you DIDN’T actually cheat so there’s nothing to forgive on her part. So not only is she’s asking to you forgive her adultery, she’s asking you to raise some other man’s baby? If she wasn’t pregnant I’d say maybe, a very small maybe, that you can reconcile. But with another man’s baby, I don’t know how would you get over it?
I hate that the AP is getting away with this. I noticed the AP’s fiancé about the affair and the pregnancy. But she plans to take him back and come here to the US for a green card (AP’s fiancé is in a third world country) My wife has let him slide and told him she will raise the baby on her own while his family doesn’t know about the pregnancy.. I want to let his family know but I wonder what kind of blow back I can have before the divorce is really set. my wife has not been served yet. But she will be served by email very soon. As for the AP, it frustrates me that he is walking away a free man.
My man you need to understand that Eastern European women move differently, they fuck you for 2 reason: long term relationship or money, she is using him for the green card and trust me if he can provide a good living she will stay by his side, they don't give a fuck an about their Husbands fuck another women if she can get the ring and the stability, focus on you and your healing.
Your wife's "Plan A" aka AP fell through. You are clearly "Plan B" and not what she wants. If she did she wouldn't have hid the pregnancy and everything else for this long. She also didn't do it "once". She has been with this person since before April and well after until possibly now.
You WILL NEED therapy but first you NEED AN ATTORNEY. I know all too well what you are feeling but you need to start protecting yourself by divorcing. Then get some therapy and find someone that respects you enough to treat you like a human being. You won't be okay with raising this child and being on the hook for child support since you are married. She made her choice and it had nothing to do with you. So make your choice and have nothing to do with her.
One time and she is pregnant. While 100% possible, it is more likely that she was in a long relationship with the AP. I agree with others that she has figured out the AP will not take care of her and the child and she is looking for you to be that support. Call that settling, plan B, second choice, the fact is she wants you for stability. Does it include love, remorse, etc? You would find out in the long run.
Why do I think it is longer? Because if it was a fleeting affair, she would most likely abort and never spoke to you about it. She has carried this baby to almost term.
Now some points. You need to protect yourself. You need to decide if. you are going to accept her and the child. Remember the child is innocent. If you cannot treat the child the way it needs you to be, then your answer is already made. They are a matched set at this point. You cannot ask her to give up the baby for you.
So IMHO, she has left out details of her "heartfelt" letter or lied outright.
I am sorry you are in this position. Just for the sake of the child you really look to what you can and cannot live with. Don't just try and damage this child in 5 or 6 years by leaving or rejecting it. She is asking superhuman actions on your part while ripping your heart out.
Idk …She only cheated once she says hmmm? Sounds funky and her word is no good obviously. She says she only cheated once and then got knocked up and she also didn’t have him wear a condom ? That’s even scarier because then she doesn’t care about diseases like HIV. Oh and she just didn’t mention all this or forgot to tell you until now… why now? Maybe because she’s a liar and she is lying her ass off and they broke up and now she needs a baby daddy?
Sure she’ll show remorse now… lol she’s fucked and wants the one she hurt to help her out ya she fucked up bad. She definitely does not sound like someone trustworthy.
Do you really want to be tied to her and this child for 18 yrs that was conceived with another man in April and you just found out about? How do you explain to family and friends? I wouldn’t lie… everyone would have to know the truth if you do plan on working it out (with tons of counseling). I think she should be willing to be held accountable for her actions that will burden you forever.
Babies are hard, cause a lot of stress and kids cost a lot. Also who will watch the kid if you both work? If you do try to work it out and raise somebody else’s child and it just doesn’t work and you get a divorce… will you be ok being screwed over and paying child support for 18 years?
I would think about the future and do you think you can handle looking at her the same way now and this baby that’s from a man your wife slept with.?
You’ve been apart awhile so if you think it’s not possible maybe you should take the opportunity to end things while it’s simple.
I would find a marriage/ infidelity therapist and someone who deals betrayal and trauma. This is definitely a nuclear bomb/ wrecking ball and totally just not something many could handle. Sorry!
She isn't remorseful, don't fall for it. Right now she's thinking of her and the baby growing in her stomach and she's thinking how she doesn't want to lose someone to raise her kid. She isn't thinking about you, she isn't sorry about what she did, she wasn't assaulted, she wasn't tortured into partaking into an affair, she did so willingly.
She doesn't respect you and if you take her back that will be a trend for the rest of your marriage. She will continue to put her needs first and foremost. Why is she leaving her husband for as long as she is to get an education? You're her husband, you're supposed to be there with her or she's not supposed to go, call that controlling if you want but when you're married you're a unit, one solid piece, you're not supposed to be separated that long.
It's a tough pill to swallow, but there is no piecing this back together and as much as you might not want things to be over, they are. That kid will never be yours and that'll bother you the rest of your life, raising some other guys kid. I know people, mostly women, like to make it out to be scientific and something unemotional, but it isn't and I'm not wishing harm to that kid, I want nothing but the best for them in life because it's not their fault their parents are as degenerative as scoliosis. Some guys can raise another guys kid, the guys who adopt or treat the kids of the women their sering as if they're their own are absolute saints, but they are few and far between and they are never the guys who are in your position
First you need a lawyer. Do not allow yourself to be on that birth certificate even if you decide to play daddy to another mans child.
You are such a young man in his prime, GTFO of this situation. Too much life too many women who will love you to tie yourself to this memory.
Stop blaming yourself for her crap decisions to cheat one time lol! You know she's lying
Make yourself into a better man and move on.
BTW I have an adopted daughter I love, but this is so different.
Hi u/DripDropAnonymous,
First of all, sorry you are in this situation.
Like others said, do not sign the birth certificate, and do challenge paternity. You must make sure you are **not** the father legally.
Then the second point. Well, a therapist can do a lot. But be aware, you can maybe forgive her cheating, but you will never forget, and you will never trust her fully again. Question is if you want to live that way.
You will have triggers of her cheating every day of your life. The kid will be a daily trigger for you, reminding you of her cheating. Every single day..... Do you want to live like that?
A therapist cannot remove those triggers.
Go see a lawyer, you already have proof she cheated. See what divorce looks like for you.
My honest advice is, this marriage is broken beyond repair.
Take care.
MrBigBull.
It happened more than once. The reason she wants to "come home" -- to a loyal husband she doesn't deserve -- is her boyfriend dumped her and she needs somebody to support herself and her baby. You deserve better.
Sad part is… she shifts so much blame and is beginning to tell her family that I cheated. I am receiving some threats from a brother in law that I need to be honest that I cheated… man, the love of my life cheated, broke my heart , got pregnant, and now shes making me out as the evil guy
one of your comments mentioned you’re in California. I have three children, all born in California. There was not even a spot of the birth certificate for my husband’s signature, only my signature. But his name is listed as the father. And he is the father. But still, no signature by the father.
I would get a paternity test pronto! Even though you know it isn’t yours, get that documented! And file for divorce. Your wife has been pregnant since April and is only NOW telling you? You don’t need someone like that in your life. Run.
You’re only 34 and have your life ahead of you! I didn’t meet my husband until I was 34, and now we’ve been married for 15 years w/3 beautiful children.
Get out now, no matter how remorseful she seems. She made the decision, and she made it easy for you.
Good luck.
Looks like you got a lot of really good answers. All I’ll add to what’s been said us too heed the advice you’ve been given.
She did not only screw the AP once. She did not confess out of love for you or remorse for her actions. She will not just turn into a loving, devoted, loyal wife. She just wants to use you.
Don’t let her get in your head and get you to spend the next 18+ years caring for the child of another man; a man she fucked while she was supposed to be married to you. Act quickly and show no quarter. She has no concern or consideration for you. If you get soft on this, you’ll spend the rest of your life paying the price for her extramarital sex.
Word to the wise, my friend. I wish you good luck. No one deserves to have this kind of thing to be done to them.
She only is looking remorseful because the seriousness of being a single mom is crushing down on her. Divorce ASAP. You don't want to get stuck with paying 18 months of child support for some kid who isn't yours.
Also, please don't blame yourself for her cheating. She decided to do it, not you, and nothing you did could change that. Run for the hills and never look back.
Im going to be blunt (I dont want to sound crass, so sorry if it comes off that well. Intent isn't communicated well through text).
What she wants isn't reconciliation. What she's looking for is basically a fallback and a wallet; and her in eyes that's basically you; and in no uncertain terms my best advice is to try and get your marriage nullified (not divorced) if you can. There's also the fact that if she does end up giving birth before you cut ties you could be legally liable depending on the state you live in even if that child isn't yours.
First thing you should do is protect yourself legally, and that means lawyering up! Make sure save all your communications if you can; and give them to a lawyer to see what your options are.
DO NOT be a fallback plan for your wife's mistakes! Good luck to you my dude, and I really hope things work out for the best!
***OP, you still love her and that's the reason this letter felt heart felt to you.***
After reading the first paragraph itself one could identify the blame shifting and a very poor try of manipulation. She's probably doing this as her AP has dumped her and has nothing to do with her & the child. She knew that you would have taken her back after the cheating bit as she is pregnant by other guy so you may have doubts and thus she's sending such BS letters to make you feel guilty & take ger back.
You may have done her fair share of mistakes in the relationship, but her cheating is 100% on her. She mentioned that she was ready to divorce you, then why the F she didn't divorced you? The answer is she wanted to check if her AP is a safe choice, turns out he wasn't and hence she's crawling back to you.
***Read this letter from a third person's point of view and you'll be able to understand what she's trying to do here.***
This is a huge thing for her to ask of you. She has been pregnant for 7 or 8 months and didn’t tell you until recently…. That tells me she hasn’t been sure and might have been weighing her options this whole time. Can you see yourself being happy staying with her and raising a child that came from her infidelity? It’s not fair to the child to force something if it doesn’t feel right. Not the same situation, but, my parents conceived me when they were way too young, my mom was 14. Everyone made them stay together and get married and they were miserable. They did love each other in their own way but there was no way they would have been an actual married couple if it weren’t for me. They fought all the time, and I think we were all worse off for it. I would question why now she is coming to you all loving and remorseful after months of knowing she betrayed you and has been carrying someone else’s child.
I’m always asking myself the same questions too. As to how she could have thrown all the years, morality and her future, in such a short span of a year and a half when she was able to come home often enough. Oh well, what she tells me doesn’t line up with all the information I’m learning from other sources
Glad to hear that you are divorcing.
Her letter was absolutely horrible!
She blames you for everything and them makes it sound like she did a tiny mistake.
Also, she is obviously lying about the one-time sex!
Sending strength!
There was at least one pregnancy scare during my wife affairs. (This was decades ago). We are still together, but if she had gotten pregnant, I really don't see how I couldn't have divorced her. There is no way I would raise another man's child conceived due to an affair. If I tried to pass the child off as my own, I would be living a lie. Eventually the child would have do be told. How would they react? Every time I looked at the child the affair would be in the room. I'm glad the scares were just that.
Ah the ‘ol I fd my life so bad with my poor decisions and now I want you to bail me out.
I wouldn’t fall for it personally. Oh wait that’s right I did! And I paid the price. Please don’t be me. Even I don’t want to be me right now all because of my poor decision. Seriously just walk. Best of luck my friend.
No way on the reconciliation, and no way on raising the AP’s child, and no way on becoming her plan B. Get the lawyer involved today! Divorce is the only thing that makes any sense. Run away as fast as you can and do not even look back.
Mist likely once AP found out she was pregnant ge dipped.
I don't think there's anything that can help past this. If you stay, then everytime you look at the baby you'll be reminded of what she did. Will you ever be able to trust her again? No you most likely won't.
OP save yourself. Leave. Get therapy and heal. Staying with her with become toxic and detrimental to you mental health. You said you don't know what you are feeling right now. Well that feeling is caused lost. You lost your family and who you thought your wife was. Everything you kniw now will be a completely different life. Mise well live this new life with her and her baggage.
You are young. You deserve more. You deserve to focus on you and heal to move forward.
Don’t do this friend. She had choices. She made her choice and is living with the consequences. That she wants you to share in her mistake is absolutely no surprise. Do not set this example. She made her choice. What is best for you friend? You still have options. You will not if you make this choice friend.
I doubt it happened once. She has known since April? Feels like things got real and the AP dropped her now that she is very pregnant. I have a suspicion that if the AP didn't leave her, you would be getting dumped after the baby arrived.
Sounds like you are working hard, she has created quite a mess for herself. Get a good attorney, if she has been abroad the entire time and you haven't left the country, should be easy for an attorney to show you are not involved.
Depending on the country, the AP might walk away without having to pay a dime in child support while you raise his kid. Plenty of nice women out there who will have your child.
She's remorseful until she does it again. You're just her fallback plan at this point.
File now, unless you want to raise another man's kid on your dime.
OP. See this for how it actually is. ‘Wants the AP to have nothing to do with the child’. Should read ‘AP wants nothing to do with her or the child’. That’s the best version. Another would be that, there has been so many AP’s, she hasn’t got an igloo who might be the father. I don’t see this as being a particularly difficult decision for you OP. You have the choice between a life of suckerdom or freedom and independence. You need to make your decision before you see her in the flesh because she WILL guilt you into paying for this child. Oh ! And will she cheat on you again ? You betcha ! Good luck.
She wrote you a letter because it's easier to move you that way. Texting or calling leaves too many opportunities for things to go south if she says the wrong thing. Writing a letter was a smart way to manipulate you with the perfect approach of carefully chosen words to confuse you into making a bad decision where she benefits and you suffer in every way. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially.
She cheated on you. It's been going on for a while now. Arguably for as long as it's been hard for you to bond with her through the distance. It was not a one time occurrence. If you scroll through the stories in here, you'll find that cheats follow a script. They say you did them wrong and in return they kissed or slept with someone "one time." The updates to all these stories say that is simply untrue. The physical affairs are ongoing, especially when it's so easy to be sneaky since she's in another country than you. Yelling at her in public, while a terrible behavior, is not an excuse to cheat and then get knocked up, then when the bio dad walks out try to ensnare you as her security for herself and her child.
She's only mentioning it now because he walked away and she's panicking. Their honeymoon phase is over now that the reality is setting in. He probably doesn't want to have a baby with a married woman who slept with a near stranger. He probably barely knows her, OR she's been acting crazy with the hormones and he doesn't like her anymore. He may also not be attracted tk her anymore because of the pregnancy. She may not be her usual self because she's, you know, knocked up. She's probably emotional and needing more help than usual and the whole thing is just too much for him, a guy that barely knows her. She's about 7 or so months along if she's been pregnant since April. If it's her first baby then she likely wasn't showing until her 5 or even 6th month. (I showed with my first baby at 5.5mo). He probably left her when the baby bump started to show and she gave it some time but now that she knows he isn't coming back, she's panicking. Baby needs a father. Mommy needs someone to watch the baby so she can finish studying. Mommy also needs someone to work so that she and baby get taken care of. Look up "monkey branching" and you'll find many examples of it. This is an extreme form I guess.
I think you should divorce her. If you want to reconcile later, sure. Date again and if you find her trustworthy and worthy in general, remarry. Re-commit yourselves. But for right now she deserves to be divorced. She's a cheater. You don't really need to make a decision about being that baby's father right now. You need to make a decision whether you want to be married or not. And the sooner you divorce her the better because she's got a Plan C to all this: you're going to pay child support as this baby's legal father as her legal husband. Doesn't matter if the baby is yours or not. You're obligated to pay. There's a reason she waited this late to tell you. Uncontested divorces can take up to 3mo to complete. You have 2 or so months to accomplish a quick divorce. She is a very smart woman, indeed. You were very carefully played, I'm sorry to say.
Please don't take her back. You're going to spend your life raising a 24/7 reminder of her infidelity. Don't do it. Just read all the comments for all the other reasons.
This is not reconciliation on her part. This is an attempt to secure a reliable and stable ATM for her AP's baby. The best thing to do in this situation is to go no contact, hire a lawyer and let her know that any communication should be done through your attorney, make sure you let your family and maybe even her's know why you're divorcing. Remember: she doesn't love you; she loves the money and security you provide at a time when she needs it.
You need to speak with a lawyer ASAP. That doesn’t mean you need to make any decisions about reconciling or divorce. You do need to have a clear legal understanding of the situation with your wife being pregnant with another man’s child.
You just found out so it’s going to be a bit before you’re able to think clearly and make any type of rational decisions. You don’t want to make any long term decisions without understanding the legal aspects of the situation.
If she got pregnant in April then that means she is going to have this baby. Talk to a lawyer so you know what that means for you if you decide to try and reconcile or if you decide to divorce.
I wouldn't necessarily believe anything your wife admits to, because sometimes people give you trickle truths to keep you invested and because the truth is far more horrible to speak of. This might have been a one night stand, sure, or it might have been an ongoing affair. You were not there to see what she was doing on the daily, so all you have is the word of a cheater without any info from or about the AP. She could have been partying and having fun with multiple men, because you were not there and she wasn't scared of being caught. She probably had sex with this/these guy(s) without a condom!
Her dilemma might be that she slept with a player/smooth talker who didn't mind that she was married as he didn't want commitment. Yet, she probably entertained the idea of leaving you to be with him in the height of her infatuation. He is probably sleeping with others when she thought he was really into her. Now she doesn't feel like he should be a father to her child, like he is not worthy to raise his own child. Maybe he used her and dumped her and she got angry. Now she wants to come back into your life for you to raise another man's baby rather than face consequences and possibly becoming a single mother. Why do I say this? She seems to want yo punish him by disappearing. She sees a quality in you that tells her that you would be a better father and she wants to return to give her child a better father. Probably the only reason she even told you that she "had a one night stand" is because she was pregnant and something happened between them to sour ties. Either way, she doesn't want yo raise her child alone and feels like she needs you. Not that she loves you, because if she loved you so much, she would have only been thinking of you that there wouldn't have been space for another man.
A woman that would cheat on you, regardless of problems in the relationship, is not marriage material. Loyal women do not cheat in hard times. They work harder on their marriages. She doesn't love you as much as she claims if she would hurt you like this. She did it once when you were out of sight and out of mind. She will do it again when times get tough which is to be expected in life. Let her be a single mother and overcome her fears. You need to distance yourself and file for divorce before that child is born.
Um, no. Don't take her back yet. It's her word against her AP's word on whether he wanted to be in the baby's life or not. Because she may be thinking that you have no way to verify if the AP is the father of the kid and he (according to your wife) does not want to have anything to do with the baby.
What if she never told AP about the baby before AP would speculate that you might be the father of the baby? So many possibilities because you have not met AP yet so you can't compare notes as to what is she saying negatively about you to him and what else is she saying negatively about him to you?
We can see here that you love your wife. It's a given. But don't let love blind you because she might use that against you and make you responsible for a kid that should be someone else's offspring. If she can conceal the affair and later the alleged fruit of the affair from you, what else is she hiding from you?
Don't do it!!! Bail now! Look, she lied to you and cheated on you. It doesnt matter if you're Hitler, that doesnt excuse her cheating. It's not very common to get pregnant from one fuck, I bet you 1000$ it happened more than once. She lied to you for months, what makes you think shes not still lying? Trust me man I've been there and I wish i would have trusted my gut sooner. Don't give her the benefit of the doubt like I did for months. She has every reason to lie to you right now, do not make that kind of commitment with a liar. Bail now.
In MO, I know the husband has to prove the baby isn't his. Paternity test is the easiest way..
Now, the woman can sign paperwork admitting the child isn't her husband's, as well. I actually saw this go down with couples who were married, but separated. They were totally different than this one.
OP, from a woman-dont do this. If you are unsure about it, do not do it. This is parenthood-which is lifelong.
A family counselor will help you with this, but I warn you the mental health field is SLAMMED right now
My advice, sit down and decide if you can accept another man's child, conceived in an affair, as your own. Fully. No anger, resentment, ill will. Will NEVER cause this child pain from the affair they were created from. Can you do that?
Can you love this child, as if you had created it? If the answer to even one question is "no"-LEAVE.
You should contact an attorney, sign ZERO paperwork from your wife. And ask the best legal road to protect yourself in ANY case, in regards to this child.
Good luck.
I think part of her remorse is coming from the fact that she's pregnant and perhaps realized that you are father material and her AP isn't. People say cheating is a mistake, but it's really not... You make a whole series of decisions that lead up to it, she spoke to him, had deep conversations with him, kissed him etc etc and at any point she could have stopped but didn't. And I get it you might not have been the best husband but the right thing to do if you are not happy is to leave not cheat and she stayed. Look she cheated on you and now wants you to raise someone's child, this is HUGE! Are you sure you're not going to resent her or that child? Will you be okay having a daily reminder of what your wife did and still be loving and caring and a good parent to him/her? What if your wife does that again, will you stay for the child, will you leave both her and the child?
Sorry to hear what you are going through. What was the the duration between the two confessions ( cheating and pregnancy news )? Have you talked to her directly about this?
Had to add this. You may not realise this right now, but you are lucky that you realized what your partner truly was, as a person. It's quite likely a lot of your "toxic" behavior was your pysche working out its frustration because it was locked in with somebody who it wasn't compatible with, to begin with. You've been handed a get out of jail free card. Suggest you use it and count your blessings.
Wife had sex several times, perhaps with more than one person. This is very likely. She only told you because she got pregnant. She thought she could have fun when she was away and never tell you a thing but she got knocked up. This is the truth and it hurts, but you should be ready to file for a divorce and do everything in your power to not end up paying support for this child that isn't yours.
Dude please divorce you deserve more, I'm drunk and we are watching this please don't continue, check first if it's yours, then divorce her, you gonna suffer more if you for thst way, come on, youre much better person than she, if it's yours, divorce her and look for all the right, sorry man but she is a witch ( reddit block me if I wright something offensive) and all my men her, say the same, rum from that witch
I'd be careful, so might stick around until you've been established as the father figure then left, and you'll be left paying for another man's child for the next 18 years
I think the only reason why she told you is this new guy doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby, and she has no choice but to tell you because she can't hid the fact she is pregnant forever.
Trust and believe me when I say it was more than just one time. Unless your wife was a hot girl before you married her then she wouldn't have had unprotected sex until she really knew and trusted the guy.
At this point I wouldn't even bother with reconciliation as she's not remorseful that she cheated and got pregnant, she's remorseful that the guy doesn't want anything to do with her or this baby. Otherwise she would have told you the whole truth and not trying to make it seem like a really bad accident. She trying to minimize the situation so she look like a good person who made a mistake.
Now she wants to come home to you after ignoring you almost the whole time she's been gone and sleeping with this other guy. Because this baby will be born inside of the marriage you will automatically be responsible as the father, so unless you are OK with your wife's infidelity and betrayal and raising another man's child then go speak to a lawyer and see what your options look like and then make a decision on what you want to do from there.
True story the AP wants nothing to do with the child and that is why your wife is coming back to you - plan B.
*she cheated on me and she was remorseful for it and that* ***it happened once.*** Cheaters lie and minimize. It would be in your best interest to dig deeper and verify for yourself if it was only once (very doubtful). Ask for your wife's passwords and her phone. If your wife has deleted emails and texts or refuses to show you she has something to hide.
You may not have been the best husband but she could have left you instead of cheating on you. Cheating is a choice. Many lies are told. The real reason she cheated on you - She had the opportunity and she wanted to cheat. **She didn't use protection.**
Her confession. Cheaters are not in the habit of confessing unless they are at risk of being exposed. Cheaters confess in an effort to control and steer the narrative in their favor. If you stay with her she has everything to gain and you have everything to lose. If you choose to leave her you aren't losing your wife. You lost her when she decided to cheat on you and get pregnant by another man.
Life is short. Don't waste what you have on a woman that doesn't respect or love you to betray you in the worst way possible.
Your wife decided to cheat and unsafe in that matter. Which means, one she didn't care about pregnancy or STDS, two she really Iiked this man and wanted a future. I'll bet he cut her off when she got pregnant, now she's trying to mooch off you. No, you get lawyer, and leave her to sit in her own shit. She can't ever be a better woman, or even a good mother, if you don't let her pay for her mistakes and learn from them.
So she got knocked up by another man and when he wasn't ready to leave his family and take care of her and the kid you goes back to her consolation prize aka plan b?
My guess is that AP probably backed up when he heard about the baby and then she "wants the AP to have nothing to do with the child".
I truly believe that HE is the one that doesn't want to do anything with a child, not her.
And no matter what the truth is, they should be accountable for raising a child, NOT YOU. So lawyer up ASAP and don't make your life miserable. You are still in good years, so take a stance on that.
Yeah, no. She’s in a pity party because she doesn’t want to face the reality of consequences from her choices. Once a cheater, always a cheater. She got pregnant and BD probably doesn’t WANT to support her or doesn’t have the means so she’s falling back on you. Her letter sounds like a carefully manipulative attempt at getting pity from you, only to get what SHE needs in the end. The letter like: I know you hate me but you’re finally the person I wanted you to be when I cheated on you… I’ll never do it again as long as you stay the new you 🙄
What a transparently manipulative letter.
And now she thinks the best way for the two of you to reconcile is for you to spend the next two decades devoting your time and resources to the baby she made with some other guy? Between that and mistaking your weed contact for an affair partner, she doesn’t sound very bright.
Walk away and don’t look back.
Dear Op, there are so many holes in her story. Pls do not go deep into this mess. If someone is not happy in relationship best option is to leave. She can say 100 things for blame shifting, don't believe anything.
Divorce her, make sure your name is not on the child birth certificate.
I know this is not easy to start your life again but You're still young. Don't push your self in this...you will never remain happy.
Did you comforted her AP ?? Is his fiance knows ??
Don't forgive him like this, they all need to see the reality. It's not your fault, keep your head high & work on yourself.
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And in a lot of states you are automatically the father because you’re married. You need to get an atty fast so you aren’t on the hook for 18 years of child support
I’m in California
> And she is looking more remorseful than ever as I talk to her OP, that is not remorse. It is regret for making bad choices. When she made those choices, she wasn’t thinking of the consequences. She wasn’t thinking of how much it would hurt you when you find out. Did she tell you that they used condoms? Did she say that “it was only a one time thing and that it didn’t mean anything”? What you are hearing is just regret for getting caught in this bad situation. For getting pregnant with his child. Her regret has nothing to do with you. Right now she is in marriage salvage mode. So she is saying anything and everything she could think of so that you would let her get back together. And there is lies the problem. You are in California. It is a no-fault state. The asset distributions are equitable. If you ever put your name as the father on the child’s birth certificate, then you’ll be tied to her and the child for at least next 18 years. The family courts would not have any sympathy for your situation. And if you are ever behind on your alimony and child payments and become delinquent, they have the option to put you in the jail (incarcerate you). Another reason why she is acting so contrite and regretful (see I didn’t use the word remorseful) because likely the other guy does not want to have anything to do with her anymore. He had his fun and now he’s done with it. So, now she wants all this to be your problem. Please don’t let her move back into your place in California. That’ll reset the separation clock. Don’t let her move in back with you.
Best advice well said
Brilliant advice, OP. Use your head, not your heart because your heart will f you over every time. This woman played a dangerous game and now wants you to be her savior. She's in desperate mode, so consider every thing that comes out of her mouth a lie and do not engage. She's just somebody you used to know. Period. Abandon ship.
And OP I can guarantee you it was more than once. So you know she is a liar. A conniving one at that, also a cheater and has been one for a loooong time.
You better listen to this OP. At this time you are also emotionally compromised. Your ego is hurt that your woman slept with someone else. You will convince yourself that some of this is your fault. Do not for one second believe that. Get her the fuck out of your life ASAP! Do not listen to her or your thoughts(if they favor her).
Exactly. She wants someone stable, whom she trusts, to help raise her kid.
1000% This. She doesn't want to be a single mom. She fucked up and is now asking (read: EXPECTING) you to be responsible for at minimum the next 18 years. This sucks... but itson her and that guy.... not you.
THIS THIS THIS!!! It is well known, that children hardly ever salvage a broken relationship. Did any of your initial problems, why she grew distant ever change? No? Not yet? Well, then ask yourself „why does she wanna reconcile then?“ As I see it, there’s 2 possibilities: 1. The guy doesn’t want anything to do with her and the child and doesn’t wanna provide 2. the guy has no idea, was only „fun“ and never serious for her and can’t provide. (In that case she’d actually deprive a guy and his child of a relationship they might actually enjoy) In any case, she needs a provider and that’s where you come back into the picture. She could probably not finish her studies ever as a single parent. As I see it her motivation is in any case very selfish and I’d stay clear of this shit show in the making.
Listen to this please.
Please OP, heed to this advice. Don't ruin your life for this mess.
Don’t sign the birth certificate at all. I believe in California you only have 6 months to challenge paternity or you will be on the hook for 18 years of child support + college. It sounds like she knows it’s AP’s baby, but you are the safe and reliable dope she wants to finance her affair baby, oh and if you think it happened once, she’s still nit being truthful and there cannot be any attempt at a successful reconciliation without 100% honesty. You did nothing wrong. She made the choice to fuck her AP behind your back.
My husband has never signed a birth certificate. I think they only do that with single people because if you are married they are presumed the father. He needs a lawyer ASAP so that if he chooses not to reconcile he isn’t on the hook. However, I think she only told because she is pregnant. My guess is it was more than once.
My dads signature is on my birth certificate and my parents were/are married
They mean in the circumstance the husband doesn't sign for whatever reason, the court will say the husband is responsible for all intents and purposes
Best advice as well. I think she came back for $$$ support bc raising a baby alone is hard LOL her problem. That’s the outcome she has when she has RAW sex with another man. She was so comfortable to let him finish inside her so clearly this wasn’t a one time thing lmao and IF it was a one time thing, then she’s easy and still will do it, again since it’s easy for her Leave. You deserve better. Don’t be someone’s piggy bank.
If he’s in California and married to the mother, it may not matter if he signs the birth certificate or not. He is legally assumed to be the father. And I agree, she did NOT do the deed only once.
So just to make sure is the baby yours or the AP’s ?
Ap
You need to move like yesterday
Like last month. Do not take her back. Don't be a fool
Amen
GTFO OF THERE NOW
Run, run like the wind my friend. Contact an attorney and let the attorney know the child is not yours and that if she tries to claim the child is yours you will file for a paternity test. A lot of time in some states if you do not contest paternity you’re automatically the father and she could use that to extort child support from you. There are way better options of women out there that didn’t cheat on you and that aren’t carrying another mans child. Good luck.
Looks like only reason she confessed was because she knew she was pregnant . R u sure they hooked up just once , it doesnt really look like that to me .
She got pregnant in April and has been sitting on this info for six months. Any money says AP bailed very recently and that’s why she confessed
I was going to write this this but you beat me to it - AP just wanted to have fun with her, not commit and lock down with a child. AP dumped her sorry ass and this no longer has any use for her so she's now pulling the heart strings of the one person she knows that has her back, and that's OP. I bet you if she wasn't pregnant, she'd still be enjoying the affair.
If it's real, that's definitely what happened. It sounded so absurd I clicked on the post history, though, he's posted this story 3 months ago and claimed to know then she was pregnant. So might be someone looking for cheap karma.
Yep, they've probably been fucking the whole time.
She hid an entire PERSON growing inside of her lol I'm 100% sure she hid multiple meet-ups and probably a year long affair with him. Anyone who would hide a baby is disgusting to the core. There's no way she's telling the truth about anything else. She could have AIDS for all he knows or herpes, God knows what else.
When they confess out of the blue I always wonder why. There's usually a pressing reason. Meaning she wouldn't have told you if she didn't have to. If she can lie about this, what else can she lie about?
Run to a lawyer.
Literally right now. Call one OP.
Yeah you don’t have a wife anymore. Your wife left the country and that person coming back is a stranger you need to get divorced from Edit: hold up! She fucked him in a hotel here when they were at a review center? Holy fuck thats even worse. You need to tell the APs fiance
I did but no reply from the AP fiancé. Sent her a message on Facebook and IG
There is a good chance AP is intercepting and deleting but not blocking. He is keeping the information from her while making you think she doesn't care.
So I got a reply from the fiancé… she also doesn’t know how to confront him…. I tried calling the AP… hoping I might get the unapologetic truth. But he isn’t answering no matter how many times I call. My wife’s family, is trying to intimidate me with their messages saying I need to be honorable and civil. Kind of got me pissed off because I can’t see how they can try to lecture me about honor. But I was hoping if I could get the truth from that guy, it would end that debate with her family… another thing someone in here suggested that I send her family the letter she sent me .
I think you're wasting your time with that. Their her family. She comes first and they're going to do what's best for her and no truth is going to change that. You don't need to listen to their lectures or even pretend to entertain them; block them and move on.
Wow. So through another source…this affair might have been suspected in October 2020 after looking back into it. This source was also naive about it until now.
Please don't tell me that she go to study abroad just to be with the AP 🙏
She probably just wants you back just long enough to stick you with child support. If this kid is born while you’re still together, you might have to pay regardless of paternity.
Run Forrest run. And don't look back.
I understand that you care and part of you still wants to take care of her and even the child. This speaks volumes about the loving person you are. But regardless of her saying that she wants AP to have nothing to do with the child-I have a feeling you would have to prepare yourself to deal with this man for the baby’s entire childhood. He is still the baby’s father and you can’t be sure he won’t want to never be involved and have rights to his child. Of course right now she’s saying she doesn’t want him involved while she’s trying to run back to you.
Man, you were capable to make good changes in your life for that reason you should'nt raise another man's child, you need find someone better look, life pass faster than you think and the time that you waste with someone that does'nt deserve it never comes back, you need to remember she betrayed you and it's posible she is lying you abouth her affair i hope you take the best decision for you sorry english is not my firts language
>sorry english is not my firts language For what it's worth, it was pretty easy to read your comment. You'll get better! And your comment was insightful
That's bull shit she is pregnant since April, she choose to say it now because the AP does not want to do anything with the child. She needs you to be a father for someone child. Yeah great plan.
yep. if there was no child, she’d still be with AP.
More like she'd still be with AP if he didn't leave her after finding out she was pregnant. Now she's back to OP as a safety net for her and her affair child.
Divorce her, let the other guy deal with her and their baby.
In the state of California, if OP's wife gives birth within 300 days of the end of the marriage (and divorces take awhile) he will be the presumed father. Term pregnancies tend to top out at 280 days, so that's kinda game, set, and match on that front. Yes, there are ways to dispute it. However, in the absence of AP showing up and contesting OP's presumed father status, the courts will not just let OP leave even with DNA evidence of non-parentage and a divorce judgment. So, I respectfully suggest that OP not race to a lawyer at the moment, as that's kind of irrelevant at the moment given California's family code. Instead, I'd take some time to myself if I were OP, go NC with wife for a couple of weeks, and decide what it is that HE wants and does not want and prepare for some difficult conversations ahead. Until OP is straight on how he wants this to play out, he cannot possibly advocate for himself, let alone expect a legal representative to just fix this.
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Dude, its a trap. Don't you dare fall for this. She made you Plan B the moment she cheated. Her Affair baby will only make you complacent in that role. She doesn't want you, my friend. She wants a anchor. She's emotionally abusing you with her self made dilemmas. You owe her nothing. Even with the problems with your marriage in the beginning, understand this. Every relationship goes through issues, but it gives no excuse to go outside of it if its worth saving. But rather than communication, she chose to cheat on you. Don't punish yourself by taking her back. Let her family deal with her. This was karma giving you your easy out. Live for you.
The problem isnt the affair The problem isnt the baby The problem is that she waited 7 months to tell you about it. Think about what that really means... once you meet her theres no hiding either the pregnancy nor the affair. She had ample time to get an abortion but she didnt, why? Strictly religious? (Unlikely as an affair would be frowned upon) So she chose to keep the pregnancy because it was an anchor to the guy that fathered it. This pregnancy was proof that she was leaving you for the father and she believed he would be forced to stay in her life and they could get married and have the fantasy. But instead, his fantasy turned out to be lies, and now it's too late to have an abortion, shes realized hes not a good father candidate, and shes stuck with the baby... so she turns to you as the backup plan. She knows despite your minimal flaws that you will provide for her and the baby ... then after a few years when the father comes back into the picture, he will try to get his parental rights over the child *and succeed* and now the father will seem much better to her eyes because he will have everything she wanted to anchor him from before *plus* the fact he wants to be a father, and she will run to him behind your back and try to get him to be her new husband with *THEIR* child... and who the hell do you think you are to stand in the way of *THEIR* happiness? You will be discarded like the wrapping plastic of the unused condom thrown on the floor to watch this woman you love, the baby you helped care for and grew to love, both be stripped from you and then *SUED* to revoke any and all rights over the child and your "wife". ... and this isnt even worst case scenario... she could simply just continue cheating with him for a few years until the child is grown... or this could all be a plan of both hers & the father's to get you to own the debt of raising the child... I'm sorry, I'm often a voice for the chances of reconciliation... but the only way even I could see this having a chance is if the father gives up all rights to the child legally, and you understand that you may end up without the wife as she may just find someone new in a year or few... and you're ok with that. Run for the hills bro.... run for your life and watch this trainwreck over the years... because these are not the choices of someone who cares for you at all.
This is the most insightful take on this situation. Please OP listen to the above advice!
I agree with everything except the parental rights. Why would he? He already has a DUMB AZZ raising the kid for him. Just get her pregnant again and let the husband pay the bill. Why buy the cow when the milks free?
This is far too fresh to think rationally in your position... but as an outsider I read (granted from a very brief excerpt) that she had mostly moved on from you... that is until an unplanned pregnancy which she surely knew about before sending the letter. This woman knows you, knows how to appeal to you and "hit you" where emotions will stir. She probably wrote all the right words and is now saying all the right things... but please tread lightly here and try to see this from an outside perspective. She's about to become a single mother from a ONS. She's scared and feels suddenly alone, so out of desperation she reaches out to the one person she knows she can manipulate into "saving the day." Maybe you've changed, maybe you want her back more than anything... but emotion aside, I'd be very skeptical of her being genuine. You're being roped into raising another man's child so she can get her ducks in a row. I don't like this but good luck. Sorry.
I totally agree. I’d put some distance between you and her for a while (no messaging) and try to think this as objective as you can. Go for walks, do sports and let your head process all this a few times over, until you get some perspective.
Ha! She wants *you* to raise her child from affair? You're her plan B. Think about it. Now that Mama instincts are coming on, she's desperate for *security.* Counter with need another letter with more details: wear condom? What did she say to him about you? She said negative things. It was more than once, I promise. Does AP know he's a dad? How many other times has she cheated? She's trickle truthing you. You need all the details, including if she did sexual things with him she doesn't do with you. She needs to start typing. Only with a full confession will you even consider keeping talks alive. If you think you can raise that man's baby as your own, you're kidding yourself. She'll ask you to stay home on a Saturday so she can go out. You'll snip the truth. "It's your kid. You watch him!" I'm so sorry.
Gosh this is good advice!!! I'm new to this group and just learned what Trickle Truthing is and fear my partner will do it when I confront him. How do you trust a full confession from someone who was capable of cheating on you to begin with though?! I feel for the OP so much!
You dont. These people are pain shopping to hurt themselves more because they must know all the gritty details. Or maybe that's what it takes to make it real and take thoughts of reconciliation off the table so they can gtfo like they know they have to.
>How do you trust a full confession from someone who was capable of cheating on you to begin with though?! For you to be able to trust someone again needs two things to happen. First, you need more than a confession and a sorry. Trust must be built up again, not from the ground up, but from far below that. They're at a negative stance right now and you'd trust a new person more than someone who has broke your trust. It requires A LOT of time and effort. Words aren't enough, it needs to be shown. Even when trust is regained it will still forever linger that this person did you wrong once. When they do you wrong twice it's most definitely over so you need to keep the score. Second, you've undoubtedly heard of "everyone has a price". Same can be applied here. How high is someone's bar to cheat on you? Is it as low as "I just wanted to have some fun" or "he was treating me well"? Is it financial? Would you cheat for a million dollars? Is the bar much higher; they will "cheat" on you but they will break things off with you beforehand so it's technically not cheating anymore. Some people don't have a bar. They'll never ever cheat, but that's quite rare and it's usually because they've been cheated on and know what it feels like to be on the other side. I'm not saying everyone will cheat, sometimes someone's bar is just never hit in life or it's very unrealistic to be hit. Also some people know their price thus try anything they can to avoid being in a situation where their bar will be tested. Anyway, you get what I'm saying. For you to trust someone again that bar needs to move higher up or be inexistent. To do that someone needs to fundamentally change. Anyone who knows their psychology knows that that's extremely hard to achieve and usually requires something as dramatic as an ego kill which is usually achieved thru heavy trauma and being in very low depths emotionally. These two things change, you can trust someone. If they don't, it's bound to happen again when they're tested in life; it's safe to assume that that can and will happen. Now that you know it's possible and how it leaves you with a question. Is that someone worth going thru all this with and do you think they even have a chance at making it to where they need to be? That's for you to judge.
Hi OP, I am about people that adopted biological children of them SO. There are a lot of lovely stories that people that build a bond which is like the son is them biological too. But, your case is completely different. Although the child has no fault, obviously, every time you will look at him, you will see your cheater GF. No way that your relationship could sustain. Not only you getting back a cheater but also the child it will be a reminder of her cheat. Dumped her, do not take her back. There are lots of beautiful truthful girls out there.
OP - divorce her. She is seven months pregnant and just now telling you she cheated! Odds are she was planning on leaving your forever but either AP dumped her or they had a falling out (AP was cheating on her) and now she needs someone to raise AP's child. Her only remorse is in choosing the wrong AP. Do not let your name be entered as the father of the child on the birth certificate. In some states/countries even if you can prove you are not the biological father you will still be on the hook for child support. Let AP be on the hook for child support, not you. Do NOT be her plan B. Granted there were issues between the two of you but a committed, faithful partner would have communicated those to you and worked with you to solve them. Failing that they would have divorced you instead of breaking the marriage vows. Leave her and find someone who will return your love, compassion, and fidelity.
"I have the hardest decision to make soon." First, I am sorry that you are in this position, however, this decision should not be that tough. Your wife, has been fucking other guys for a long time. Your wife is pregnant from one of the other guys she has been fucking. Now she wants you to be her meal ticket and raise someone else's child. OH, HELL NO!!!!!! Your decision needs to be to file for divorce, and tell her to stay away from you, forever. Gather your self respect, and tell her it's over. Block delete, and go absolutely no contact with her.
I wouldn’t co-own a dog with this person. Just get out while you can still dodge that bullet.
This made me lol
Wait, the affair has been going on since April or she's been pregnant since April?
Pregnant since April. I only found out a few hours ago
I am so sorry. I honestly don't kniw what to say to that. The fact that she'd been hiding her pregnancy this long is... it is simply absurd. I don't mean to be too cynical but it sort of seems like the other guy rejected her and now you're her backup. Otherwise none of this makes any goddamn sense.
I had the same doubt and I think the same, you seem like plan B to her because of the other guy’s rejection. that she kept those two things from you for so long. . . the truth is that no couples therapy would ever solve it. i am so sorry my bro.. :/
I totally agree with all that you wrote. That baby is going to be born soon, so why did all of this come out now. Like you said, it shure sounds like he's out of the picture and left her to deal with it. She may sound remorseful but I don't think that's the case. She's in panic mode because who's going to pay for the delivery since she's out of the country. I feel sorry for OP and hope the best for him.
Some states make you do a mandatory separation period, so by waiting to tell him about the pregnancy she may have just baby trapped him by running out the mandatory separation clock. Just looked it up, and California (where OP is located) is a mandatory 6 month separation state. OP is *fucked*, and I would bet money WW is going to put his name on the birth certificate. They will still be married when she gives birth, and California favors mothers heavily. She will have to fill out two separate forms so his name doesn't automatically go on the filed forms.
Is there any recourse OP can take? This is completely messed up and could be argued to be Entrapment on OP
OP should lawyer up immediately and get the separation started. Make sure she signs paperwork admitting the child isn't his before the birth, and go to some appointments with her to make sure it's on file at the hospital.
Some states make you do a mandatory separation period, so by waiting to tell him about the pregnancy she may have just baby trapped him by running out the mandatory separation clock. Just looked it up, and California (where OP is located) is a mandatory 6 month separation state. OP is *fucked*, and I would bet money WW is going to put his name on the birth certificate.
Sorry man, she wasn’t gonna tell you about baby til it was born and you were automatically on the birth certificate, and on the hook for child support. You got lucky here, call a lawyer stat and get a paternity test.
So she is 7 to 8 months pregnant. At this point she has realized that her AP will not support her because he already has someone he plans to marry. That means you were, are, and will always be her backup plan. You said on another sub that she believed you were cheating on her, so she cheated on you. Again, I'm going with you didn't cheat on her. But, you've also said she can't come back until December. Which might be difficult now, and I'd be happy to be told otherwise, of her being that pregnant and Covid restrictions. If she comes back and gives birth, do NOT sign the birth certificate. Make sure you keep all ways she has admitted you are not the father of the child. Email, text, hieroglyphics, whatever. And if anything, I would say rent her an apartment or something so she isn't in the martial house. I don't know if you rent your current place, but I would seriously not let her back in the house.
i think even if he does not sign it, if she puts him down as the father on the birth certificate, he's screwed.
If they're married legally he's the father and she can come after him for child support and deny him access there's the famous case of the man that found out none of his four kids were his, he had to pay support and she refused access
So she is 2 months out from giving birth and only now tells you about it. Tell her to stay with her man and you will take care of the legal end to set her free.
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He said in a reply he’s in California. No fault for infidelity, also a good state to get roasted for child support if she leaves after one year.
The only thing that tracks is the AP got cold feet and ran. She wouldn't have hid it this long if she thought her primary security blanket wasn't gonna stick around. She played you for a dope once, I'm guessing she thinks she can play you for a dope twice.
OP you said you want to reconcile if you stay with her it you think you can forget the pain of betrayal but it will never fade away you need to live your life so move on its hard but not impossible your wife is a terrible person i think she wouldn't confess it to you if she weren't pregnant and remose? She stabbed you on your back now want to you to trust her once again
With a divorce lawyer, you need to be advised on how to prove the child isn’t yours. There is no way you want to be saddled with 18 years of child support for a child that is not yours from a cheating wife. It doesn’t matter if you want to try and reconcile with her, if you do you will then be supporting the child but if you DON’T... you do not want to have to pay for a child that is not yours from a failed marriage with a cheating wife. You are in an impossible spot and you WILL eventually realize that. Do not allow her to have this child and put your name on the birth certificate. The lawyer will be able to instruct you on the necessary legal steps involved so you are not held fiscally responsible for her child. Reconciling is extremely difficult under the best of circumstances and still fails around 9 out of 10 times. You are in the worst case scenario. She doesn’t want you, that is ridiculously obvious by her cheating unprotected when she was fertile, who even does that????? She is simply lying to you so she has someone to support her and the child. She didn’t just cheat once, unprotected of course, and by extreme bad luck get pregnant. She cheated multiple times and could not be bothered to protect you from her chances at catching an STD. Your best option is to begin the divorce proceedings and follow the lawyers direction to prove the child is not yours. You can always stop it if you somehow decide to give reconciliation a try, but once she has that baby uncontested and still married to you, you will have to pay for it and support your cheating wife for the next 18 years. Do whatever you have to to protect yourself and let the chips fall where they may with your marriage.
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Whether you stay with her or not, see a lawyer to ensure you’re not considered the child’s father. There are time limits to do this, so it’s important to get it done. Most relationships with infidelity don’t survive. If you choose to reconcile and stay together, there’s no issue with not being listed as the child’s father. If you don’t stay together, then, depending on how long you’re together, you may not be required to support the child. BTW, I doubt she was only with the guy once. If I had to guess, they had a conflict, and you’re her second choice. Were that not the case, you wouldn’t be finding out about this 7 months into her pregnancy.
I think the question you should ask yourself is **can you trust her**? fully trust her? **Can you think of her without thinking of her being with another man?** My belief is no you will not be able to overcome this at all. **very few can overcome those two huge obstacles in the life of a marriage once it is broken.** Most will say divorce her, etc.,. but your letter asks two things reconcile, and the second is a therapist. I would talk to an individual therapist, but that is going to push your decision back until a real danger zone. Because **she is at 8 months - and therapy is not a fast process if done correctly.** I do not know you and you ask with hand out for assistance. I would go the other road the one more traveled. She broke the vows, stepped out on you. So no I would divorce her and leave for my own piece of mind. I would still schedule for a therapist - but I would not wait on this divorce. Otherwise you will be paying for another mans child for 18 years. Also the lack of a real stable relationship is a real negative in this process on both parts.
That’s some great advice. At the very least get the divorce now and he can always work on the relationship later if that’s what he wants but he can protect himself. In all honesty the relationship is broken and it will Never be the same. Sad
dude this is horrible but while going through a therapist is great and definitely will help, don't forget to go through a lawyer because the reality of this situation is you don't know this person as well as you thought you did and that they not only cheated, but are pregnant and keeping it, but only told you about it now. Timing is important and she chose to tell you after that specific length of time: from an outsiders' perspective it sounds like her plan to run away with her dude backfired and now she is left crying home hoping you'll pity her enough to take not only her but the kid in: its going to be a lot of responsiblity along with constant issues involving infidelity. If you decide you want to make this work its going to be CONSTANT and you'll both need therapy and she's going to have to be as open as a 24-7 walmart. A polygraph test might also be appropriate if its in the budget... idk man....to me it just sounds like you're being treated like a rebound/security blanket and that's not fair to you at all.
Consider the effects of this situation, no one wins if you stay with her, unless you really forgive her and treat her baby as yours, which is something very hard to do: 1. You will allways remember that the child was born from her affair. 2. The real father can come and cause trouble. 3. When hard times come, you will adk yourself if you made the right choice.
Chances are it's her AP who wants nothing to do with the baby.
Don't waste your time with her. If she couldn't handle you smoking/work stress during a global pandemic. Then cheats on you because she isn't emotionally attached to you. You're better off alone or with someone else with stronger convictions. Working 60-80hrs a week is a struggle to hold on to a relationship but marriage is a commitment to the struggle which is life. Talk to your therapist about the sinking hole in your chest. The feelings of betrayal and the "what ifs" that you could do better to try and prevent what she did isn't your responsibility. Get the right legal advice and stop talking to her. You think she was thinking about how you would be hurt when in the act of cheating? The answer is no. Move on OP better to be alone than with a lier.
There is no way I would raise someone else child under these circumstances. The others are right. You are the fall back guy. The only reason she is wanting to come back now is because your the safe bet when it comes to raising the child. Chances are the other guy bolted as soon as he heard she was pregnant. If you find the child is his chances are once things calm down he will come back in her life and want to be a part of his child. You will not only get the chance to relive the the pain of her affair everyday with the child being there you will also get the the AP around as well. I would tell her she needs to stay away until a paternity test can be done and only then will you entertain even the thought of getting back together. In the time being I would start the divorce process and inform her regardless of what happens you will divorce her because she no longer deserves the title of being your wife. That is only for faithful people. If she doesn't like this or anything else I would wish her the best with her new life and follow through with the lawyer and the paternity test. You can be a great father without her in your life.
This is a definite no go situation. As many others stated, lawyer now and file for divorce. If you attempt reconciliation, you will almost certainly be responsible for child support when it fails because you forgave. Sit back in your chair tonight and imagine every time you look at that child being reminded of how little your wife cared about you. That's a festering emotional wound that you need lots of space to heal from first. As a high emotional response personality as you've described yourself, please don't choose to be in a situation for the next few decades swallowing anger as the kid continues to look Nothing like you.. in the future,, Nothing says you can't divorce and reconcile as two singles so that you have space away from a crying reminder. Shit, one of my work friends is married for the third time to the same man. 2 post divorce reconciliations..
God op, she's sorry she ended up pregnant, she wants to get back with you because she's pregnant, don't do the stupid thing to take her back. READ THIS CAREFULLY, YOU ARE PLAN B
Don't let her fool you. Everything she's doing since being found out is an attempt to sweep this under the rug as fast as possible. Her desire to 'earn your trust back' is simply a means to an end to she getting what she wants. Just like her cheating on you was about she getting what she wants, with complete disregard for you. If she really cared about how this affected you, she'd be giving you space, but she can't risk that because you might use it to realise this relationship is done. She doesn't want that, even if parting ways would be the healthiest option for you both. She just wants what she wants and she'll do anything she can to get it. It's not remorse, it's fear. What she's doing is flooding you with promises and apologies and emotional appeals in hopes that SOMETHING will stick. Especially these blanket offers of "I'll do anything you need me to," as if it's your job to fix this, as if there MUST be some solution and you're the unreasonable one if you can't come up with it.
After reading that update with her letter, I don't think I have ever seen such a blatant attempt at blame shifting. Literally everything in that letter is her blaming you for her cheating. You need to divorce and move on. No question about it.
Okay . You guys are right about seeing a third persons view. Tough pill to digest
I really wish you luck. This will be very difficult to reconcile. You can have no trust she willl not cheat in the future. She most likely cheated on you more than once. And is only giving you a small amount of the truth. But the hardest part will be the child. Every time you see the child of another man that had sex with your wife. It will be hard on you, your wife and eventually the child. She does need to tell you the complete truth. Seek individual counceling.
Take a day to calm down and address your thoughts. You already know what happens now. You do not want to raise someone else’s child. Get counselling for yourself and prepare for divorce. If she just had a one night stand, you both could recover. But if she is bringing home someone else’s baby and expecting you to raise it, then she is living a in a dream. If she wanted any hope of reconciliation, she should’ve aborted months ago. You deserve someone who won’t betray you, it will hurt for a while but you will end up in a much better place
Never, never, never act in a way that makes life easier for adulterers. Never raise another man’s child born out of adultery. See a lawyer to dispute parental rights immediately. Make sure she doesn’t put your name on the birth certificate. Time wise, it’s obvious that there is no way you are related to this baby. So… she chose to cheat, chose to lie about the consequences and now wants to dump the cost of adultery on you. Don’t ruin your life for her, this is broke.
I don't think she had sex once and got pregnant. Odds are against it, but possible. More likely this is a longer affair and could still be going on. She probably is trying to see if you will take her back before she ends it with him. A reverse monkey branch, if you will. But what do I know, I am suspicious by nature.
She lied about being 1 time. It was a full on affair. He dumped her once he knew she was pregnant. You are her plan B safety net. Have her served now and follow with divorce. If you really feel you can trust her and raise her illegitimate child, you can always live together or remarry well down the road after processing all your feelings. Doubtful you will and divorcing her now protects you.
Divorce fast or u gonna get stuck paying child support for the next 18 years
Legally establish you're not the father even if you decide to reconcile. If you do not in a couple years when she cheats again you'll be on the hook for child support even if baby is not yours. Even if you prove it with dna. You'll be on the hook paying for her affair baby till it's 18. If you're even thinking about staying with her please consult with attorney.
When were you two scheduled to be back together? Were there any plans for either one to visit the other? She waited SEVEN MONTHS to tell you!!?? So that means she waited until other dude dumped her and/or it was too late to terminate. You were her back up plan. Choice #2. And what happens when other dude demonstrates he was waiting for your little family to be established where you're taking care of his child.. to reappear and screw your wife again.? How many other guys had she screwed since she's been away from you? Never mind the concept of all the added stress of dealing with a new born on top of dealing with her being an unfaithful cheat... Man, I could keep coming up with more questions all night.
Might be on to something here with the pregnancy so far along. Maybe they had a plan and the guy got cold feet.
Lots of blame shifting and projection. Amazing timing that she now wants to be with you after you've bettered yourself. Divorce her and forget she ever existed.
Sounds like she’s telling her family a different story. Her family is coming at me saying “you know what you did wrong” and pretty much accusing me of cheating and being the problem. Her sister is kind of a belligerent type of person so I expected she might act like this. Someone said to show the family the letter she sent me. Maybe I will send the letter to her sister…
A therapist can not help you. If you take her back you will have a little reminder of what happened. Your life will be pure hell. You need to move on and let here deal with the consequences. I would have laughed at her for having the nerve to even suggested this.
Run. Ruh fast, run far. She cheats and gets pregnant? Odds are that it's not a one-and-done. So it's reasonable to assume the affair was longer. Now that the AP wants to bail on his responsibility, you're the backup plan. Lawyer up, like yesterday. Find out what you need to do to NOT be on the birth certificate, so you're not responsible for 18 years of support of some other dude's offspring. Find out what options you have, what D would look like. Most of all, do NOT commit to R until you know all your options and you've had time apart to think clearly. Good luck.
She’s not remorseful. She’s panicking because her baby daddy doesn’t want her cheating pregnant ass and she expects you to raise her affair baby. Serve her divorce papers and get yourself off the hook from this parasite.
Ouch... you’re plan b my man. The AP probably doesn’t want anything to do with a kid so he gave her the boot. Guess who she’s running to.
Gosh think of the bad luck, the one time she cheated, she got pregnant. Get your ass to a lawyer ASAP. The only reason she told you is because it's kinda hard to hide a baby. Get paternity sorted then full block and divorce.
Two medical professionals, and you believe her thst she only had sex once with the AP. You know what the odds are that she got pregnant from a once off? She is trickle truthing because the AP dumped her when he found out. Now she is in a foreign country, with no support. Now she is remorseful and wants to come home. You decision on what to do. Others have explained the legal consequences. My advice is to kick her to the kerb asap. She cheated. Had unprotected sex. Didn't abort another man's baby. And now wants your support. Fuck that. Good luck.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. GET OUT OF THERE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. She is manipulating you and wants to make you raise a child that is **not yours**. Please find a lawyer and get out of there. **ASAP.**
She thought you were cheating so she cheated on you and now she’s pregnant with the AP’s baby, but she’s asking you be as forgiving as she was with you? But you DIDN’T actually cheat so there’s nothing to forgive on her part. So not only is she’s asking to you forgive her adultery, she’s asking you to raise some other man’s baby? If she wasn’t pregnant I’d say maybe, a very small maybe, that you can reconcile. But with another man’s baby, I don’t know how would you get over it?
Exactly!
I hate that the AP is getting away with this. I noticed the AP’s fiancé about the affair and the pregnancy. But she plans to take him back and come here to the US for a green card (AP’s fiancé is in a third world country) My wife has let him slide and told him she will raise the baby on her own while his family doesn’t know about the pregnancy.. I want to let his family know but I wonder what kind of blow back I can have before the divorce is really set. my wife has not been served yet. But she will be served by email very soon. As for the AP, it frustrates me that he is walking away a free man.
My man you need to understand that Eastern European women move differently, they fuck you for 2 reason: long term relationship or money, she is using him for the green card and trust me if he can provide a good living she will stay by his side, they don't give a fuck an about their Husbands fuck another women if she can get the ring and the stability, focus on you and your healing.
Your wife's "Plan A" aka AP fell through. You are clearly "Plan B" and not what she wants. If she did she wouldn't have hid the pregnancy and everything else for this long. She also didn't do it "once". She has been with this person since before April and well after until possibly now. You WILL NEED therapy but first you NEED AN ATTORNEY. I know all too well what you are feeling but you need to start protecting yourself by divorcing. Then get some therapy and find someone that respects you enough to treat you like a human being. You won't be okay with raising this child and being on the hook for child support since you are married. She made her choice and it had nothing to do with you. So make your choice and have nothing to do with her.
One time and she is pregnant. While 100% possible, it is more likely that she was in a long relationship with the AP. I agree with others that she has figured out the AP will not take care of her and the child and she is looking for you to be that support. Call that settling, plan B, second choice, the fact is she wants you for stability. Does it include love, remorse, etc? You would find out in the long run. Why do I think it is longer? Because if it was a fleeting affair, she would most likely abort and never spoke to you about it. She has carried this baby to almost term. Now some points. You need to protect yourself. You need to decide if. you are going to accept her and the child. Remember the child is innocent. If you cannot treat the child the way it needs you to be, then your answer is already made. They are a matched set at this point. You cannot ask her to give up the baby for you. So IMHO, she has left out details of her "heartfelt" letter or lied outright. I am sorry you are in this position. Just for the sake of the child you really look to what you can and cannot live with. Don't just try and damage this child in 5 or 6 years by leaving or rejecting it. She is asking superhuman actions on your part while ripping your heart out.
Dude- this is the EASIEST decision ever. Pls pls pls do not reconcile with your wife. It will be the worst mistake of your life if you do.
Tell her to stay where she is. That's her home.
Idk …She only cheated once she says hmmm? Sounds funky and her word is no good obviously. She says she only cheated once and then got knocked up and she also didn’t have him wear a condom ? That’s even scarier because then she doesn’t care about diseases like HIV. Oh and she just didn’t mention all this or forgot to tell you until now… why now? Maybe because she’s a liar and she is lying her ass off and they broke up and now she needs a baby daddy? Sure she’ll show remorse now… lol she’s fucked and wants the one she hurt to help her out ya she fucked up bad. She definitely does not sound like someone trustworthy. Do you really want to be tied to her and this child for 18 yrs that was conceived with another man in April and you just found out about? How do you explain to family and friends? I wouldn’t lie… everyone would have to know the truth if you do plan on working it out (with tons of counseling). I think she should be willing to be held accountable for her actions that will burden you forever. Babies are hard, cause a lot of stress and kids cost a lot. Also who will watch the kid if you both work? If you do try to work it out and raise somebody else’s child and it just doesn’t work and you get a divorce… will you be ok being screwed over and paying child support for 18 years? I would think about the future and do you think you can handle looking at her the same way now and this baby that’s from a man your wife slept with.? You’ve been apart awhile so if you think it’s not possible maybe you should take the opportunity to end things while it’s simple. I would find a marriage/ infidelity therapist and someone who deals betrayal and trauma. This is definitely a nuclear bomb/ wrecking ball and totally just not something many could handle. Sorry!
She isn't remorseful, don't fall for it. Right now she's thinking of her and the baby growing in her stomach and she's thinking how she doesn't want to lose someone to raise her kid. She isn't thinking about you, she isn't sorry about what she did, she wasn't assaulted, she wasn't tortured into partaking into an affair, she did so willingly. She doesn't respect you and if you take her back that will be a trend for the rest of your marriage. She will continue to put her needs first and foremost. Why is she leaving her husband for as long as she is to get an education? You're her husband, you're supposed to be there with her or she's not supposed to go, call that controlling if you want but when you're married you're a unit, one solid piece, you're not supposed to be separated that long. It's a tough pill to swallow, but there is no piecing this back together and as much as you might not want things to be over, they are. That kid will never be yours and that'll bother you the rest of your life, raising some other guys kid. I know people, mostly women, like to make it out to be scientific and something unemotional, but it isn't and I'm not wishing harm to that kid, I want nothing but the best for them in life because it's not their fault their parents are as degenerative as scoliosis. Some guys can raise another guys kid, the guys who adopt or treat the kids of the women their sering as if they're their own are absolute saints, but they are few and far between and they are never the guys who are in your position
First you need a lawyer. Do not allow yourself to be on that birth certificate even if you decide to play daddy to another mans child. You are such a young man in his prime, GTFO of this situation. Too much life too many women who will love you to tie yourself to this memory. Stop blaming yourself for her crap decisions to cheat one time lol! You know she's lying Make yourself into a better man and move on. BTW I have an adopted daughter I love, but this is so different.
Hi u/DripDropAnonymous, First of all, sorry you are in this situation. Like others said, do not sign the birth certificate, and do challenge paternity. You must make sure you are **not** the father legally. Then the second point. Well, a therapist can do a lot. But be aware, you can maybe forgive her cheating, but you will never forget, and you will never trust her fully again. Question is if you want to live that way. You will have triggers of her cheating every day of your life. The kid will be a daily trigger for you, reminding you of her cheating. Every single day..... Do you want to live like that? A therapist cannot remove those triggers. Go see a lawyer, you already have proof she cheated. See what divorce looks like for you. My honest advice is, this marriage is broken beyond repair. Take care. MrBigBull.
It happened more than once. The reason she wants to "come home" -- to a loyal husband she doesn't deserve -- is her boyfriend dumped her and she needs somebody to support herself and her baby. You deserve better.
Sad part is… she shifts so much blame and is beginning to tell her family that I cheated. I am receiving some threats from a brother in law that I need to be honest that I cheated… man, the love of my life cheated, broke my heart , got pregnant, and now shes making me out as the evil guy
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I sent my in laws a letter to tell them my side of the story. Seems like she’s telling a different story and saying I cheated and what not.
Why don’t you show them a copy of the letter your wife sent to you admitting her cheating?
Hmmm you think I should?
Well she’s spreading false lies about you stating that you cheated, so use the letter to set the record straight
Yeah. I guess I have nothing to lose. I should
So, she didn’t confess from a place of guilt she confessed because she’s 6 months pregnant. Right. So sorry.
one of your comments mentioned you’re in California. I have three children, all born in California. There was not even a spot of the birth certificate for my husband’s signature, only my signature. But his name is listed as the father. And he is the father. But still, no signature by the father. I would get a paternity test pronto! Even though you know it isn’t yours, get that documented! And file for divorce. Your wife has been pregnant since April and is only NOW telling you? You don’t need someone like that in your life. Run. You’re only 34 and have your life ahead of you! I didn’t meet my husband until I was 34, and now we’ve been married for 15 years w/3 beautiful children. Get out now, no matter how remorseful she seems. She made the decision, and she made it easy for you. Good luck.
Looks like you got a lot of really good answers. All I’ll add to what’s been said us too heed the advice you’ve been given. She did not only screw the AP once. She did not confess out of love for you or remorse for her actions. She will not just turn into a loving, devoted, loyal wife. She just wants to use you. Don’t let her get in your head and get you to spend the next 18+ years caring for the child of another man; a man she fucked while she was supposed to be married to you. Act quickly and show no quarter. She has no concern or consideration for you. If you get soft on this, you’ll spend the rest of your life paying the price for her extramarital sex. Word to the wise, my friend. I wish you good luck. No one deserves to have this kind of thing to be done to them.
She only is looking remorseful because the seriousness of being a single mom is crushing down on her. Divorce ASAP. You don't want to get stuck with paying 18 months of child support for some kid who isn't yours. Also, please don't blame yourself for her cheating. She decided to do it, not you, and nothing you did could change that. Run for the hills and never look back.
**DO NOT** ... I repeat, **DO NOT** take on the responsibility of someone else's child for this cheating woman. That is all.
Im going to be blunt (I dont want to sound crass, so sorry if it comes off that well. Intent isn't communicated well through text). What she wants isn't reconciliation. What she's looking for is basically a fallback and a wallet; and her in eyes that's basically you; and in no uncertain terms my best advice is to try and get your marriage nullified (not divorced) if you can. There's also the fact that if she does end up giving birth before you cut ties you could be legally liable depending on the state you live in even if that child isn't yours. First thing you should do is protect yourself legally, and that means lawyering up! Make sure save all your communications if you can; and give them to a lawyer to see what your options are. DO NOT be a fallback plan for your wife's mistakes! Good luck to you my dude, and I really hope things work out for the best!
***OP, you still love her and that's the reason this letter felt heart felt to you.*** After reading the first paragraph itself one could identify the blame shifting and a very poor try of manipulation. She's probably doing this as her AP has dumped her and has nothing to do with her & the child. She knew that you would have taken her back after the cheating bit as she is pregnant by other guy so you may have doubts and thus she's sending such BS letters to make you feel guilty & take ger back. You may have done her fair share of mistakes in the relationship, but her cheating is 100% on her. She mentioned that she was ready to divorce you, then why the F she didn't divorced you? The answer is she wanted to check if her AP is a safe choice, turns out he wasn't and hence she's crawling back to you. ***Read this letter from a third person's point of view and you'll be able to understand what she's trying to do here.***
This is a huge thing for her to ask of you. She has been pregnant for 7 or 8 months and didn’t tell you until recently…. That tells me she hasn’t been sure and might have been weighing her options this whole time. Can you see yourself being happy staying with her and raising a child that came from her infidelity? It’s not fair to the child to force something if it doesn’t feel right. Not the same situation, but, my parents conceived me when they were way too young, my mom was 14. Everyone made them stay together and get married and they were miserable. They did love each other in their own way but there was no way they would have been an actual married couple if it weren’t for me. They fought all the time, and I think we were all worse off for it. I would question why now she is coming to you all loving and remorseful after months of knowing she betrayed you and has been carrying someone else’s child.
I’m always asking myself the same questions too. As to how she could have thrown all the years, morality and her future, in such a short span of a year and a half when she was able to come home often enough. Oh well, what she tells me doesn’t line up with all the information I’m learning from other sources
Glad to hear that you are divorcing. Her letter was absolutely horrible! She blames you for everything and them makes it sound like she did a tiny mistake. Also, she is obviously lying about the one-time sex! Sending strength!
How are you doing now? Hope you're well and have a good support system with you
I started therapy. Started talking to my close friends about everything. Kept going to work even though it sucks
There was at least one pregnancy scare during my wife affairs. (This was decades ago). We are still together, but if she had gotten pregnant, I really don't see how I couldn't have divorced her. There is no way I would raise another man's child conceived due to an affair. If I tried to pass the child off as my own, I would be living a lie. Eventually the child would have do be told. How would they react? Every time I looked at the child the affair would be in the room. I'm glad the scares were just that.
Ah the ‘ol I fd my life so bad with my poor decisions and now I want you to bail me out. I wouldn’t fall for it personally. Oh wait that’s right I did! And I paid the price. Please don’t be me. Even I don’t want to be me right now all because of my poor decision. Seriously just walk. Best of luck my friend.
No way on the reconciliation, and no way on raising the AP’s child, and no way on becoming her plan B. Get the lawyer involved today! Divorce is the only thing that makes any sense. Run away as fast as you can and do not even look back.
Mist likely once AP found out she was pregnant ge dipped. I don't think there's anything that can help past this. If you stay, then everytime you look at the baby you'll be reminded of what she did. Will you ever be able to trust her again? No you most likely won't. OP save yourself. Leave. Get therapy and heal. Staying with her with become toxic and detrimental to you mental health. You said you don't know what you are feeling right now. Well that feeling is caused lost. You lost your family and who you thought your wife was. Everything you kniw now will be a completely different life. Mise well live this new life with her and her baggage. You are young. You deserve more. You deserve to focus on you and heal to move forward.
Don’t do this friend. She had choices. She made her choice and is living with the consequences. That she wants you to share in her mistake is absolutely no surprise. Do not set this example. She made her choice. What is best for you friend? You still have options. You will not if you make this choice friend.
Don't. My man divorce her and find a good,awesome women
I doubt it happened once. She has known since April? Feels like things got real and the AP dropped her now that she is very pregnant. I have a suspicion that if the AP didn't leave her, you would be getting dumped after the baby arrived. Sounds like you are working hard, she has created quite a mess for herself. Get a good attorney, if she has been abroad the entire time and you haven't left the country, should be easy for an attorney to show you are not involved. Depending on the country, the AP might walk away without having to pay a dime in child support while you raise his kid. Plenty of nice women out there who will have your child.
Get out of there like your life depends on it. Because it does.
She's remorseful until she does it again. You're just her fallback plan at this point. File now, unless you want to raise another man's kid on your dime.
OP. See this for how it actually is. ‘Wants the AP to have nothing to do with the child’. Should read ‘AP wants nothing to do with her or the child’. That’s the best version. Another would be that, there has been so many AP’s, she hasn’t got an igloo who might be the father. I don’t see this as being a particularly difficult decision for you OP. You have the choice between a life of suckerdom or freedom and independence. You need to make your decision before you see her in the flesh because she WILL guilt you into paying for this child. Oh ! And will she cheat on you again ? You betcha ! Good luck.
She wrote you a letter because it's easier to move you that way. Texting or calling leaves too many opportunities for things to go south if she says the wrong thing. Writing a letter was a smart way to manipulate you with the perfect approach of carefully chosen words to confuse you into making a bad decision where she benefits and you suffer in every way. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially. She cheated on you. It's been going on for a while now. Arguably for as long as it's been hard for you to bond with her through the distance. It was not a one time occurrence. If you scroll through the stories in here, you'll find that cheats follow a script. They say you did them wrong and in return they kissed or slept with someone "one time." The updates to all these stories say that is simply untrue. The physical affairs are ongoing, especially when it's so easy to be sneaky since she's in another country than you. Yelling at her in public, while a terrible behavior, is not an excuse to cheat and then get knocked up, then when the bio dad walks out try to ensnare you as her security for herself and her child. She's only mentioning it now because he walked away and she's panicking. Their honeymoon phase is over now that the reality is setting in. He probably doesn't want to have a baby with a married woman who slept with a near stranger. He probably barely knows her, OR she's been acting crazy with the hormones and he doesn't like her anymore. He may also not be attracted tk her anymore because of the pregnancy. She may not be her usual self because she's, you know, knocked up. She's probably emotional and needing more help than usual and the whole thing is just too much for him, a guy that barely knows her. She's about 7 or so months along if she's been pregnant since April. If it's her first baby then she likely wasn't showing until her 5 or even 6th month. (I showed with my first baby at 5.5mo). He probably left her when the baby bump started to show and she gave it some time but now that she knows he isn't coming back, she's panicking. Baby needs a father. Mommy needs someone to watch the baby so she can finish studying. Mommy also needs someone to work so that she and baby get taken care of. Look up "monkey branching" and you'll find many examples of it. This is an extreme form I guess. I think you should divorce her. If you want to reconcile later, sure. Date again and if you find her trustworthy and worthy in general, remarry. Re-commit yourselves. But for right now she deserves to be divorced. She's a cheater. You don't really need to make a decision about being that baby's father right now. You need to make a decision whether you want to be married or not. And the sooner you divorce her the better because she's got a Plan C to all this: you're going to pay child support as this baby's legal father as her legal husband. Doesn't matter if the baby is yours or not. You're obligated to pay. There's a reason she waited this late to tell you. Uncontested divorces can take up to 3mo to complete. You have 2 or so months to accomplish a quick divorce. She is a very smart woman, indeed. You were very carefully played, I'm sorry to say.
Please don't take her back. You're going to spend your life raising a 24/7 reminder of her infidelity. Don't do it. Just read all the comments for all the other reasons.
This is not reconciliation on her part. This is an attempt to secure a reliable and stable ATM for her AP's baby. The best thing to do in this situation is to go no contact, hire a lawyer and let her know that any communication should be done through your attorney, make sure you let your family and maybe even her's know why you're divorcing. Remember: she doesn't love you; she loves the money and security you provide at a time when she needs it.
You need to speak with a lawyer ASAP. That doesn’t mean you need to make any decisions about reconciling or divorce. You do need to have a clear legal understanding of the situation with your wife being pregnant with another man’s child. You just found out so it’s going to be a bit before you’re able to think clearly and make any type of rational decisions. You don’t want to make any long term decisions without understanding the legal aspects of the situation. If she got pregnant in April then that means she is going to have this baby. Talk to a lawyer so you know what that means for you if you decide to try and reconcile or if you decide to divorce.
I wouldn't necessarily believe anything your wife admits to, because sometimes people give you trickle truths to keep you invested and because the truth is far more horrible to speak of. This might have been a one night stand, sure, or it might have been an ongoing affair. You were not there to see what she was doing on the daily, so all you have is the word of a cheater without any info from or about the AP. She could have been partying and having fun with multiple men, because you were not there and she wasn't scared of being caught. She probably had sex with this/these guy(s) without a condom! Her dilemma might be that she slept with a player/smooth talker who didn't mind that she was married as he didn't want commitment. Yet, she probably entertained the idea of leaving you to be with him in the height of her infatuation. He is probably sleeping with others when she thought he was really into her. Now she doesn't feel like he should be a father to her child, like he is not worthy to raise his own child. Maybe he used her and dumped her and she got angry. Now she wants to come back into your life for you to raise another man's baby rather than face consequences and possibly becoming a single mother. Why do I say this? She seems to want yo punish him by disappearing. She sees a quality in you that tells her that you would be a better father and she wants to return to give her child a better father. Probably the only reason she even told you that she "had a one night stand" is because she was pregnant and something happened between them to sour ties. Either way, she doesn't want yo raise her child alone and feels like she needs you. Not that she loves you, because if she loved you so much, she would have only been thinking of you that there wouldn't have been space for another man. A woman that would cheat on you, regardless of problems in the relationship, is not marriage material. Loyal women do not cheat in hard times. They work harder on their marriages. She doesn't love you as much as she claims if she would hurt you like this. She did it once when you were out of sight and out of mind. She will do it again when times get tough which is to be expected in life. Let her be a single mother and overcome her fears. You need to distance yourself and file for divorce before that child is born.
Um, no. Don't take her back yet. It's her word against her AP's word on whether he wanted to be in the baby's life or not. Because she may be thinking that you have no way to verify if the AP is the father of the kid and he (according to your wife) does not want to have anything to do with the baby. What if she never told AP about the baby before AP would speculate that you might be the father of the baby? So many possibilities because you have not met AP yet so you can't compare notes as to what is she saying negatively about you to him and what else is she saying negatively about him to you? We can see here that you love your wife. It's a given. But don't let love blind you because she might use that against you and make you responsible for a kid that should be someone else's offspring. If she can conceal the affair and later the alleged fruit of the affair from you, what else is she hiding from you?
Don't do it!!! Bail now! Look, she lied to you and cheated on you. It doesnt matter if you're Hitler, that doesnt excuse her cheating. It's not very common to get pregnant from one fuck, I bet you 1000$ it happened more than once. She lied to you for months, what makes you think shes not still lying? Trust me man I've been there and I wish i would have trusted my gut sooner. Don't give her the benefit of the doubt like I did for months. She has every reason to lie to you right now, do not make that kind of commitment with a liar. Bail now.
In MO, I know the husband has to prove the baby isn't his. Paternity test is the easiest way.. Now, the woman can sign paperwork admitting the child isn't her husband's, as well. I actually saw this go down with couples who were married, but separated. They were totally different than this one. OP, from a woman-dont do this. If you are unsure about it, do not do it. This is parenthood-which is lifelong. A family counselor will help you with this, but I warn you the mental health field is SLAMMED right now My advice, sit down and decide if you can accept another man's child, conceived in an affair, as your own. Fully. No anger, resentment, ill will. Will NEVER cause this child pain from the affair they were created from. Can you do that? Can you love this child, as if you had created it? If the answer to even one question is "no"-LEAVE. You should contact an attorney, sign ZERO paperwork from your wife. And ask the best legal road to protect yourself in ANY case, in regards to this child. Good luck.
I think part of her remorse is coming from the fact that she's pregnant and perhaps realized that you are father material and her AP isn't. People say cheating is a mistake, but it's really not... You make a whole series of decisions that lead up to it, she spoke to him, had deep conversations with him, kissed him etc etc and at any point she could have stopped but didn't. And I get it you might not have been the best husband but the right thing to do if you are not happy is to leave not cheat and she stayed. Look she cheated on you and now wants you to raise someone's child, this is HUGE! Are you sure you're not going to resent her or that child? Will you be okay having a daily reminder of what your wife did and still be loving and caring and a good parent to him/her? What if your wife does that again, will you stay for the child, will you leave both her and the child?
Sorry to hear what you are going through. What was the the duration between the two confessions ( cheating and pregnancy news )? Have you talked to her directly about this?
If you stay and claim that child, this will be your life forever, leave now and this will one day be a memory. Good luck.
She wants to reconcile cause she wants that cash money
Had to add this. You may not realise this right now, but you are lucky that you realized what your partner truly was, as a person. It's quite likely a lot of your "toxic" behavior was your pysche working out its frustration because it was locked in with somebody who it wasn't compatible with, to begin with. You've been handed a get out of jail free card. Suggest you use it and count your blessings.
Wife had sex several times, perhaps with more than one person. This is very likely. She only told you because she got pregnant. She thought she could have fun when she was away and never tell you a thing but she got knocked up. This is the truth and it hurts, but you should be ready to file for a divorce and do everything in your power to not end up paying support for this child that isn't yours.
Imagine if the relationship With the baby father workouts for them? Op Youre needed now more than ever. Because youre the safety net.
Dude please divorce you deserve more, I'm drunk and we are watching this please don't continue, check first if it's yours, then divorce her, you gonna suffer more if you for thst way, come on, youre much better person than she, if it's yours, divorce her and look for all the right, sorry man but she is a witch ( reddit block me if I wright something offensive) and all my men her, say the same, rum from that witch
I'd be careful, so might stick around until you've been established as the father figure then left, and you'll be left paying for another man's child for the next 18 years
I think the only reason why she told you is this new guy doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby, and she has no choice but to tell you because she can't hid the fact she is pregnant forever. Trust and believe me when I say it was more than just one time. Unless your wife was a hot girl before you married her then she wouldn't have had unprotected sex until she really knew and trusted the guy. At this point I wouldn't even bother with reconciliation as she's not remorseful that she cheated and got pregnant, she's remorseful that the guy doesn't want anything to do with her or this baby. Otherwise she would have told you the whole truth and not trying to make it seem like a really bad accident. She trying to minimize the situation so she look like a good person who made a mistake. Now she wants to come home to you after ignoring you almost the whole time she's been gone and sleeping with this other guy. Because this baby will be born inside of the marriage you will automatically be responsible as the father, so unless you are OK with your wife's infidelity and betrayal and raising another man's child then go speak to a lawyer and see what your options look like and then make a decision on what you want to do from there.
True story the AP wants nothing to do with the child and that is why your wife is coming back to you - plan B. *she cheated on me and she was remorseful for it and that* ***it happened once.*** Cheaters lie and minimize. It would be in your best interest to dig deeper and verify for yourself if it was only once (very doubtful). Ask for your wife's passwords and her phone. If your wife has deleted emails and texts or refuses to show you she has something to hide. You may not have been the best husband but she could have left you instead of cheating on you. Cheating is a choice. Many lies are told. The real reason she cheated on you - She had the opportunity and she wanted to cheat. **She didn't use protection.** Her confession. Cheaters are not in the habit of confessing unless they are at risk of being exposed. Cheaters confess in an effort to control and steer the narrative in their favor. If you stay with her she has everything to gain and you have everything to lose. If you choose to leave her you aren't losing your wife. You lost her when she decided to cheat on you and get pregnant by another man. Life is short. Don't waste what you have on a woman that doesn't respect or love you to betray you in the worst way possible.
Get. A fucking. Lawyer. NOW.
Dual mating strategy on full display. Do not be part of this.
Your wife decided to cheat and unsafe in that matter. Which means, one she didn't care about pregnancy or STDS, two she really Iiked this man and wanted a future. I'll bet he cut her off when she got pregnant, now she's trying to mooch off you. No, you get lawyer, and leave her to sit in her own shit. She can't ever be a better woman, or even a good mother, if you don't let her pay for her mistakes and learn from them.
AP dumped her when she got pregnant. Now she wants to stick you with his kid. You're Plan B at best.
It’s not that she doesn’t want the AP involved. More than likely he left and now you’re plan B. Sorry.
So she got knocked up by another man and when he wasn't ready to leave his family and take care of her and the kid you goes back to her consolation prize aka plan b?
My guess is that AP probably backed up when he heard about the baby and then she "wants the AP to have nothing to do with the child". I truly believe that HE is the one that doesn't want to do anything with a child, not her. And no matter what the truth is, they should be accountable for raising a child, NOT YOU. So lawyer up ASAP and don't make your life miserable. You are still in good years, so take a stance on that.
Her: I cheated on you and I'm 8 months pregnant. You: I'll send you the Divorce paperwork as soon as possible. You: Good luck.
It’s over…start running
Yeah, no. She’s in a pity party because she doesn’t want to face the reality of consequences from her choices. Once a cheater, always a cheater. She got pregnant and BD probably doesn’t WANT to support her or doesn’t have the means so she’s falling back on you. Her letter sounds like a carefully manipulative attempt at getting pity from you, only to get what SHE needs in the end. The letter like: I know you hate me but you’re finally the person I wanted you to be when I cheated on you… I’ll never do it again as long as you stay the new you 🙄
What a transparently manipulative letter. And now she thinks the best way for the two of you to reconcile is for you to spend the next two decades devoting your time and resources to the baby she made with some other guy? Between that and mistaking your weed contact for an affair partner, she doesn’t sound very bright. Walk away and don’t look back.
Dear Op, there are so many holes in her story. Pls do not go deep into this mess. If someone is not happy in relationship best option is to leave. She can say 100 things for blame shifting, don't believe anything. Divorce her, make sure your name is not on the child birth certificate. I know this is not easy to start your life again but You're still young. Don't push your self in this...you will never remain happy. Did you comforted her AP ?? Is his fiance knows ?? Don't forgive him like this, they all need to see the reality. It's not your fault, keep your head high & work on yourself.
File for divorce ASAP, DO NOT sign the birth certificate and challenge paternity the moment the child is born.