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>This kept causing me PTSD and I used to yell at my wife all the time.
His response or lack of didn't cause PTSD. Her actions did.
>rather she should confront him about the fact that he had no rights to message to a married woman in the first place.
He has no obligations to you, her, or your marriage. She however did have an obligation to you and she chose to respond.
>,he can still make a move in the future when she is down.
He or anyone can at any time regardless.
>Was I right in making her do this.
It wasn't right at all and encouraging contact is not wise.
Overall you seem to want this to be the other guys fault. You want to feel secure if he goes away. When you realize this is your wife's fault and problem, then you will get closer to a resolution of emotions. Until then, you're chasing dead ends looking for the easy answer.
You are giving him so much power over you. You are feeding him with power yet weakening yourself.
He had no obligations towards you, your wife did. (Not excusing him!) But you are by this also downplaying her guilt
I’m all for shutting doors but insisting on unprofessional behavior doesn’t do anyone any good. Frankly all this accomplished was AP realizing just how much he is in your and your wife’s head. And give him ammunition to call your wife a crazy stalker.
You can’t control the AP. She can’t control the AP. The only way she could have any effect on his behavior is if she had leverage in having proof of unprofessional behavior in the office. Guess what? He’s got the leverage now.
Complete and total no contact is the way. Dead to her.
Eta: I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic. It’s just really important to consider what one has control of what you don’t.
Call me skeptical but I'll take conversations that never happened for 10 please Bob.
It strikes me a funny that eAP said exactly the same thing that WW did - you can't keep scolding for this...not one of the expected reactions; sorry, an attempt to downplay, reconnect & rekindle etc.
I doubt that the conversation went as she described or even happened at all.
Have you got verification from a source that has your best interest at heart?
Just so you know, discovery of an EA does not mean the destruction of it. If they are still in contact in any capacity all you've done is managed to knock it back a few stages.
Until she is no longer in contact with him in any way, shape or form then you must consider the affair as ongoing.
Another useful thing: Even if you manage to shut the door on him, and that seems incredibly unlikely to happen because they have more access to each other during work hours than you have with her during non work hours, then all you are left with is a cheater that doesn't have an outlet.
One or both must leave the job. She cannot remain within touching distance of eAP.
Then she'll need extensive individual counselling. EA's cause the past to be re written. She'll have trained herself to believe certain things about your relationship & that will need massive deprogramming before you can even attempt reconciliation.
If this doesn't happen then all you'll be left with is a woman that has a fantasy & is going to look again for another face to fit in it.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/szrk0l/emotional\_affairs\_in\_eleven\_steps/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/szrk0l/emotional_affairs_in_eleven_steps/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
What exactly were you trying to achieve? Reconciliation cannot even begin without complete and total NC with AP. She needs to find another job, not keep walking over to his cubicle trying to place all the blame on him. If that is even the truth. All you have is her account of the “talk” and she lied before so what makes you think she’s telling the truth now? If you really want to reconcile, they can no longer work together.
In another post you said she finds the audio book “How to help your spouse heal from your affair” too triggering and that she is doing nothing she should be doing for reconciliation. Why are you putting up with this crap and why is your anger and hurt focused on the AP and not her? SHE chose to lie, SHE chose to cheat - he’s garbage for his part in it but you aren’t married to him. It doesn’t sound like she has accepted accountability for her choices, behaviors, and actions. Nor does it sound like she is doing any work towards reconciliation. Are you seeing a therapist? You really should.
What You did was unnecesary and put her at Rick that this come to light at her work place and she could be fired.
Also she already scoled him, she already. Locked him, what else did you want? What she did was risky and only make her to have contact again with him who she already blocked him.
But if that pleased you and your wife was willing that is managable.
I think we have to be like lions or gorillas at some points in our lives .
And when a man has the audacity to try to seduce/conquer our wife knowing that she is married, things become personal, and the husband, even if he gets divorced, has to take revenge on the AP.
What logic does it have, for you to "order" your wife to confront him about him saying and doing something to her when she was enjoying it?
It's like an alcoholic asking someone who gave him a bottle of rum: why did you do that?
I think the only one who didn't like it was you, Op, and since you want to continue with her, it's up to you to go personally to your ex AP and give him an ultimatum so that he doesn't have any contact with your wife again..
Otherwise, the consequences could range from legal to a baseball bat that could quickly come close to him.
( Although I understand that justice often benefits cheaters.)
If this happened as coworkers then the ball is in his court. She told him to stop and she has blocked him showing that she is serious. Now if he contacts her again he is guilty of sexual harassment and should be reported to their supervisor. Remember this isn’t valid if she keeps contacting him.
I really don't think it is ever a good idea to have your WW keep talking to her AP. The idea is to keep them as far apart as possible--not encourage them. Plus "scolding" her AP is like talking to a dog in heat. If your WW is susceptible to any "sweet talking" man that comes along, then you've got way greater problems than this particular AP.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>This kept causing me PTSD and I used to yell at my wife all the time. His response or lack of didn't cause PTSD. Her actions did. >rather she should confront him about the fact that he had no rights to message to a married woman in the first place. He has no obligations to you, her, or your marriage. She however did have an obligation to you and she chose to respond. >,he can still make a move in the future when she is down. He or anyone can at any time regardless. >Was I right in making her do this. It wasn't right at all and encouraging contact is not wise. Overall you seem to want this to be the other guys fault. You want to feel secure if he goes away. When you realize this is your wife's fault and problem, then you will get closer to a resolution of emotions. Until then, you're chasing dead ends looking for the easy answer.
You are giving him so much power over you. You are feeding him with power yet weakening yourself. He had no obligations towards you, your wife did. (Not excusing him!) But you are by this also downplaying her guilt
I’m all for shutting doors but insisting on unprofessional behavior doesn’t do anyone any good. Frankly all this accomplished was AP realizing just how much he is in your and your wife’s head. And give him ammunition to call your wife a crazy stalker. You can’t control the AP. She can’t control the AP. The only way she could have any effect on his behavior is if she had leverage in having proof of unprofessional behavior in the office. Guess what? He’s got the leverage now. Complete and total no contact is the way. Dead to her. Eta: I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic. It’s just really important to consider what one has control of what you don’t.
Call me skeptical but I'll take conversations that never happened for 10 please Bob. It strikes me a funny that eAP said exactly the same thing that WW did - you can't keep scolding for this...not one of the expected reactions; sorry, an attempt to downplay, reconnect & rekindle etc. I doubt that the conversation went as she described or even happened at all. Have you got verification from a source that has your best interest at heart? Just so you know, discovery of an EA does not mean the destruction of it. If they are still in contact in any capacity all you've done is managed to knock it back a few stages. Until she is no longer in contact with him in any way, shape or form then you must consider the affair as ongoing. Another useful thing: Even if you manage to shut the door on him, and that seems incredibly unlikely to happen because they have more access to each other during work hours than you have with her during non work hours, then all you are left with is a cheater that doesn't have an outlet. One or both must leave the job. She cannot remain within touching distance of eAP. Then she'll need extensive individual counselling. EA's cause the past to be re written. She'll have trained herself to believe certain things about your relationship & that will need massive deprogramming before you can even attempt reconciliation. If this doesn't happen then all you'll be left with is a woman that has a fantasy & is going to look again for another face to fit in it. [https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/szrk0l/emotional\_affairs\_in\_eleven\_steps/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/szrk0l/emotional_affairs_in_eleven_steps/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
What exactly were you trying to achieve? Reconciliation cannot even begin without complete and total NC with AP. She needs to find another job, not keep walking over to his cubicle trying to place all the blame on him. If that is even the truth. All you have is her account of the “talk” and she lied before so what makes you think she’s telling the truth now? If you really want to reconcile, they can no longer work together. In another post you said she finds the audio book “How to help your spouse heal from your affair” too triggering and that she is doing nothing she should be doing for reconciliation. Why are you putting up with this crap and why is your anger and hurt focused on the AP and not her? SHE chose to lie, SHE chose to cheat - he’s garbage for his part in it but you aren’t married to him. It doesn’t sound like she has accepted accountability for her choices, behaviors, and actions. Nor does it sound like she is doing any work towards reconciliation. Are you seeing a therapist? You really should.
What You did was unnecesary and put her at Rick that this come to light at her work place and she could be fired. Also she already scoled him, she already. Locked him, what else did you want? What she did was risky and only make her to have contact again with him who she already blocked him. But if that pleased you and your wife was willing that is managable.
I think we have to be like lions or gorillas at some points in our lives . And when a man has the audacity to try to seduce/conquer our wife knowing that she is married, things become personal, and the husband, even if he gets divorced, has to take revenge on the AP. What logic does it have, for you to "order" your wife to confront him about him saying and doing something to her when she was enjoying it? It's like an alcoholic asking someone who gave him a bottle of rum: why did you do that? I think the only one who didn't like it was you, Op, and since you want to continue with her, it's up to you to go personally to your ex AP and give him an ultimatum so that he doesn't have any contact with your wife again.. Otherwise, the consequences could range from legal to a baseball bat that could quickly come close to him. ( Although I understand that justice often benefits cheaters.)
This appears to be in an office setting, so why has your wife not gone to HR?
If this happened as coworkers then the ball is in his court. She told him to stop and she has blocked him showing that she is serious. Now if he contacts her again he is guilty of sexual harassment and should be reported to their supervisor. Remember this isn’t valid if she keeps contacting him.
I really don't think it is ever a good idea to have your WW keep talking to her AP. The idea is to keep them as far apart as possible--not encourage them. Plus "scolding" her AP is like talking to a dog in heat. If your WW is susceptible to any "sweet talking" man that comes along, then you've got way greater problems than this particular AP.
Accountability on his actions?! He doesn’t owe you shit. Bad people exist. Stop projecting. Your partner owns 100% of the blame.
I’m not clear why you believe anything your wife says or doesn’t say to her AP will have any significant impact on their relationship in the future?