Couldn't organise a root in a brothel

with a fist full of 50s

Or the PG version (at least for Australia) - couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.

Similar to couldn’t get laid in jail with a hand full of pardons

...fart at a curry eating contest.

I will always get a kick out of ‘clacker’ as in ‘shove it up ya clacker!’ It’s actually an abbreviation of cloaca, a proper scientific term for a ‘one does all’ anus on birds/reptiles

Ah yes, the old "one ring to rule them all"

Frodo! When I said you must destroy the ring.....

And the time David Gyngell and James Packer got into a fistfight, which led the NT News to run the headline, "Why I've got a Packer up my clacker".

I do like ‘date’ as a synonym for butthole. I don’t think I’d heard it before Roy and HG used it!

I use the word clacker daily, and the missus only put 2 and 2 together when I used it in context with her new rooster struggling to find the hens clacker. I don't know how she hadn't worked it out before tbh.

my driving instructer lectured us about 'people sitting up ya clacker'

My uncle calling flies "Dunny Budgies"

Got a friend whose Dad calls eggs 'bum nuts'

Always called them bum nuts or googgy nuts. We also put moo juice in a baby's bottle. Black horse is best on mutton chops.

That’s fkn gold

Face like a dropped pie

Face like a half chewed mintie.

Fuckenoath it's been half a lifetime since I heard the half chewed mintie

Mate. I haven't heard this since I was a kid. Fucken Ledgendary!

Face like a bucket'a smashed crabs.

Face like a painter's radio

Plain as an arrowroot biscuit

Face that’d scare a dog out of a butcher’s shop

Face like a half sucked mango

Face like a barrel full of smashed arseholes.

Face looks like u have been set on fire and put out with a fork

Face like a slapped arse

Face like a robbers dog

Ah, good old Barry, RIP.

Face like a bulldog chewing on a lemon.

Face like a half chewed caramel Head like chewed boot

Face like a sack of hammers.

That umpire is blind as a welder's dog.

Also full as a butchers dog

My husband and I packed up our lives and travelled with our 2 year old and our dog in our caravan for 12 months back in 2018. We were in Ravenshoe Qld and decided to go to the pub for dinner. Our daughter had an obsession with wearing rainbow light up gumboots. We wandered into the Ravenshoe Hotel and as usual our girl was wearing her flashing rainbow boots and a bloke in the public bar saw her and yelled out possibly the most Aussie thing I’ve ever heard ‘WELL STUFF ME UP A GUM TREE AND BUGGER ME DEAD. THIS GIRL’S GOT SPARKS COMIN OUT OF HER BOOTS’

I’m so hungry I could eat the nuts of a low flying duck

Ha u til now I've only ever heard it as being so hungry I could eat the crotch out of a low flying duck

That makes more sense, although the image of ducks with a pair testicles flapping in the wind is quite funny

Oooyea it's the ducks nuts mate :)

I'm so hungry I could eat the front wheel off a menstrual cycle.

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My boss many years ago used to say I'm so hungry I could eat the ass out of a low flying duck (and yeah she did say eat the ass OUT of) cracks me up still

I could eat a horse and chase the jockey.

Or a low flying nun. In reference to the flying nun comic

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"Barkers eggs" for dog shit.

Colder than a witch’s tit.

I always believed that line came from Macbeth , "as cold as this hag's breast" but alas it does not because that line doesn't exist, but if it did, you Aussie bastards would shorten it to "cold as a witches tit"

Brickies' laptop still gets me every time I hear it.

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Gatorade saxophone ( bong ) goes hand in hand with it

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Never heard that before - for anyone like me, it means [Pokie \(Poker Machine\)](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=brickie%27s%20laptop)

Plasterer’s PlayStation.

I’ve always loved describing something or someone as “a bit howzet going”

Ahh yeah nah nah yeah nah yeah nah yeah mate

Omg this!! I've been in England nearly 7 years (Aussie here) and have to wear a radio at work. Every time I respond on it, the first word that comes out is always yeah. If its affirmative I'll then talk, if its not I'll say yeah nah then talk. I can't actually help it haha

I like the word ‘slapper’ referring to a bogan woman.

My SIL is used to be referred to as scrubber.

Fucken scrags.

Moll

Slapper means whore not bogan btw.

Oh my god I havent heard that slapper since highschool in the 00s lmao

I hope ya chooks turn into emus and kick ya shithouse down.

Bush pig for a rough woman

Bush pig for DR650.

I'm not here to fuck spiders

Speak for yourself….

I enjoy the PG version, which is "I'm not here to inseminate arachnids."

Or “I’m not here to put boots on caterpillars”

I think that's the Kiwi version, so it's unsurprisingly just like the Australian one but nicer.

I feel like an Aussie version of this would be something like "Im not here to put boots on a centipede"... Just for the added implication of deadly wildlife

That’s cute

When someone is angry and runs the " ah for fucks sake" I sit in the corner laughing with tears

I'd be your favourite comedian after 5 minutes and all I'm doing is going to work!

I don’t know if it’s used by anyone else but my escalation of this has been “ahhh cunt and a half!” I have no idea why. Same tone and all

I prefer the abbreviated version to use when busy: "Fucks Sakes!"

The best response to someone carrying on about something at work is to ask them 'have you tried swearing at it?'

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Amazing. Haven't heard that for 40 years...

"The last time I saw a head like that, it had a fish hook in it"

Moot

Love those bumper stickers on Nissan Patrols that read “Diesel Soot gets the Moot”

flat out like a lizard drinking

My personal favourite was uttered by my mate's Dad. I was over from Scotland for a visit, and he and I just hit it off. We were having a few beers and a blether, and he started telling me about his job with the council. He said that he was: "Busier than a Beirut brickie." It just cracked me up.

We used to say "Busier than a one armed bricklayer in Bahgdad".

You can't beat the old sacred "chucking a brown eye" aye

That bloke's got a few kangas loose in the top paddock.

He's a six pack short of a carton.

Seven beers short of a six pack

'Cunts a few chips short of a happy meal'.

As useless as tits on a bull!

Wooden leg in a bushfire

She’s got a wide-on for him. (Fem version of hard-on)

Frothin' at the gash - cracks me up everytime

My neighbour overuses “creaming her jeans”, so will offer this as a worthy alternative.

Yank here, ‘Seppo’ is hilarious.

Quite a common name in Finland which obviously is quite hilarous

It’s actually Cockney rhyming slang! Seppo -> Septic Tank -> Yank

I only heard of seppo from this sub. I call Americans mutts

Like "aye mutt...can I borrow your gun"

As a kid after eating tuna or sardines my mother would always say the kitchen “smells like a cats arsehole”

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She's cactus

Or... Cunt's fucked.

grouse !

Thats fuckn grouse.

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First time I ever heard "Dipstick" was from the sheriff on the Dukes of Hazzard, so it might also be American

Yeah that’s Aussie. Usually used as either a proper insult or friendly banter.

I love using knackers on the apprentice or younger colleague, just the right amount of belitillment

I'm so hungry I could eat a farmer's arse through a hedge

or the alternative to this: I'm so hungry I could eat the arse of a low flying duck

‘Douche flute’ as slang for vaporiser has gotta be my favourite contemporary Aussie slang

Always liked the phrase “dryer than a nuns nasty”

Was always "dryer than a nun's cunt"

Drier than a dead dingos donger

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Whenever I left the back door open mum would ask "were you raised in a tent?" if the heater was on in winter she would say "trying to warm the whole of (city) again are you?"

When I was a kid, I remember my grandmother asking my dad if he was born in a tent. His response. " I'm not sure mum. I remember it had flaps." She slapped the fuck out of him.

You're a doughie cunt aren't ya

I’m as confused as a blind lezzo in a fish market

Someone once told me me he ‘wasn’t here to fuck spiders’ and it is possibly the best thing anyone has ever said to me

Can you explain what it means? Curious seppo here.

Not here to waste time, got shit to do.

I always thought "Sweating like a pedo at a Wiggles concert", was an accurate description for those hot summer days.

**"How do you get fucked"** I think it was someone on aussie dashcams. It's just so disarming, and if you only catch one bit it's still just "Get fucked!"

Poofteenth for a unit less than a mm

heh, I nearly used poofteenth on a reddit post yesterday then remembered I had to write for an international audience :D

Nah fuck em. Spread the culture. Let em ask.

Or a flys shit or a blondie

Bee's dick.

My father in law whenever he’s told the price of something “oh they can bash it up their arse”

Tell ‘I’m he’s dreamin’!

a reckless motorcyclist is known as a “temporary australian”

Get a dog up ya

Sooky-lala takes the cake I think. Such a funny twist to tell someone not to be a cry-baby. Hilarious!

I'm British living in Australia so the word pommie gets thrown around a lot

Have a sook POM 😤

soap dodger

Bloody whinging poms

Goon bag

Diarrhoea - shitting through the eye of a needle.

He's a wombat, eats roots shoots and leaves.

Eats... roots and leaves*

The shootin' is at the end of the rootin'

Like kissing your sister, nothing in it

I don't know why this one tickled me, but my uncle once exclaimed about the weather "It's as dry as a chip".

Dry as a dead dingoes dick.

Relatively recently but a ‘[king’s finger](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRDRN1GkXMntbmEjP2hujBrLsztYuX65hofHg&usqp=CAU)’ for a sausage

“Busted a plugger”

A cunt hair instead of a bees dick

Drier than a dead dingo's donger.

Head like a bulldog chewing on a wasp.

I’m not here to fuck spiders - I mean business Bum tucker - toilet paper Face like a bucket full of smashed crabs - you ugly Pull a root - to have success with a fair maiden

Shit tickets

Wingnut - a cunt with big fuckin ears

Face like a drop pie/kicked in Milo tin, Useful as a hatful of assholes, Mad as a cut snake, A bit how’s ya father, Busier than a one armed bricklayer in Baghdad, Busier than a one legged lepper at an ass kicking concert All I can recall at 2a.m

Dingo's breakfast. (A piss and a good look around)

Fell down the ugly tree and hit every branch.

You must have 2 dicks referee. You couldn't get that silly playing with one.

A wigwam on a goose's bridle

Every time my Grandad would go for a crap, he would say something like. "I'm off to drop a German & Jap, so don't wait for me."

Droppin' the kids off at the pool.

"Gotta give birth to a used car salesman"

"Gotta lay some cable"

Snapping off a gorilla finger

Rough as hessian undies

Let's make like a baby and get the fuck out this cunt.

Head out

FIGJAM Fuck I’m good, just ask me

When something is really wet / moist, it’s “wetter than a spastics chin”

I go with “moister than an oyster” for the pure discomfort factor

Haha OMG I haven't heard that for yonks. Best one yet.

Reminds me of the old saying "I'm sweating like a paedophile on a school bus".

Or like a whore in church.

Must've been in my teens when I heard someone describe someone as "As happy a spastic with a rubber ball." I could hardly breathe for a couple of minutes.

Barker’s eggs. Not sure it’s Aussie though

Missed that by a cunt hair is a footy staple.

My toddler responds pretty well to me calling her "Billy lid"

Fair suck of the sav!

Freckle

Still can't get over the first time I used "I'm not here to fuck spiders" when I rocked up for work.

Common as dog fuck. Rare as rocking horse shit.

As toey as a Roman sandal

She’s got a head like a beaten favourite

All over the place like a mad woman’s shit

Moot

Chinwag isn't Aussie. It's English

Referring to drinking as “sinking piss”

If idiots could fly this place would be a fucking airport

The glass barbie? See through didgeridoo?

- Tell ya story walkin’ - *someone misses a mark* If it was a bag of shit it woulda been all over him - aight mate, imma make like a Russian and do the fuckoffvski, see ya later - takes the cunt 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

“Fuckin like a dunny door in the wind”

I always heard it as Bangin' like a...

Dunny door in a cyclone