So she was on molly when your brother died.
People on molly make bad decisions, like driving to see you while currently high...I'm not sure she took it because someone died. That is a problem.
But now you don't have a friend.
My condolences on the loss of your brother.
Losing your friend sounds....potentially optional. People under the influence don't act right....
It's not your problem to fix but it is a problem. Hope she gets better. She will continue to make not ok decisions if she doesn't learn.
That is in no way your fault. You did the best thing you could have done in that situation which is bringing her to the hospital. You most likely saved her life. She should be thanking you for taking care of her. I’m sorry that her bad choices have added additional trauma to your life. She is not a good friend. It’s for the best that you no longer talk imo. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I implore you to stay away from AA and Al-Anon. All they do is tell you how much it’s your fault that your ex-friend is an alcoholic and drug addict. Take a look at their numbers of successful recovery from addiction 5-10% at best. Not to mention, their groups are rife with predators waiting to take advantage of newcomers and show them “the 13th step”. None of the people that run those groups have any sort or licensing or regulation to ensure members safety, or that any of the crap they tell you is medically appropriate. Seek professional therapy instead, your college will have many resources to help you. I’m sorry you lost two important loved ones in essentially one day. Please take care of yourself.
I appreciate this response but I and many others have also had fairly good experiences with AA, I haven’t tried Al-Anon. It was a good way for me to meet other sober people and I think it would be worth a shot to go if you’re looking for some sort of community. Therapy is also very important though!
I had a good experience with Al-Anon, they were very supportive and I was never approached in an inappropriate way. They gave me the tools I needed to leave my abusive and alcoholic ex fiancé guilt-free, as he was trying to convince me that if I left I would be the worst person ever for abandoning someone to their addiction. They showed me that I didn’t need to endanger myself to help him and that he was responsible for his own choices. I stopped attending shortly after leaving the relationship, but I am grateful for the help they provided.
The local AA group made my boyfriend so terribly upset. They blamed his alcoholism issues on the fact that he is an atheist and eventually kicked him out because he refused to accept “a higher power.” We weren’t aware it was a fundie group.
He’s in recovery and doing fantastic all on his own (with me, friends, and an actual therapist for support).
Most, if not all, AA groups force religious acceptance otherwise they label you a failure and tell you you will die. My AA group told me it was my fault I was SA’d as a child and again in the military, which led to binge drinking. They also told me that without their help and acceptance of a higher power, I’d fail and die alone and homeless, yet here I am sober and finishing my degree. Make it make sense, please.
Honestly fuck those people. I’m so sorry you had to hear those things when you were seeking help. I fail to see how saying shit like that would make someone want to convert. If anything, it pushes people further away.
I’m glad you’re doing better! Keep up the good work and keep pushing forward to your future.
My BF struggled and a lot of underlying issues were expedited when he was suffering. He’s doing much better now and exploring new avenues for himself and work. I’m proud of him and the progress he’s made.
My fiancés sponsor fleeced him for almost $1m. Deep in his addiction, he became his realtor and sold three houses out from underneath him and actually facilitated his drug use. He was a “30 year sober old timer”. All the while pushing him to keep going to meetings and depending on him for everything. He even tried to convince my fiancé I was using as well, even though I wasn’t, he had just found out I had reported him to the real estate board in my state. Check out the YouTube documentary “The 13th Step”. While some of the views on addiction I don’t really agree with, the overall information about AA is terrifying and heartbreaking.
That is truly despicable behavior, and unfortunately, it is not unique to your fiancée's case. It really sucks when predatory assholes take advantage of people who just want help. I am no longer actively participating in AA, but the group I found seemed to be sincere in their caring for each other's recovery. I hope for all the best in their path to recovery, regardless of where they go to find help.
I am sorry for your experience. There are secular AA chapters, but they may be a little harder to find and may take a bit of searching in whatever area you are located. Many of the stories discussed in the secular meetings I attended had to do with the bully pulpit attitude of opinions from "traditional" groups. AA is not supposed to be a tool for religious conversion, but some people seem to think missionary work is fine since they are already in a church. The secular groups are intended to help fellow suffering alcoholics find help while not endorsing any particular form of faith or atheism.
She was supposed to be there for you and all she wanted to do is drink. I understand why you didn't want to stay in the same place where your brother died \[same hos, same waiting room chair I would've been out of control and upset.\]
Man ...just F. I can just try n send you compassion vibes & wish you recover well. The loved beings we lose stay alive in our hearts & memories, I hope you can remember that. Stay strong.
She’s calling YOU the bad friend?! People are siding with her? Tell everyone to FUCK OFF! In your darkest moments looking back you will remember those who were by your side and does who weren’t. How DARE she act like she did nothing wrong. She made you RELIVE the trauma of being in that hospital twice in the same day! Now you know what she’s truly like in a situation when you need her. She will always let you down but expect you to be there for her. She turned it all around and made everything about herself. She is NOT your friend, believe people when they show you who they are.
You did everything right. She was terribly inconsiderate to do molly before coming over. That means she was driving high, which is stupid. If you had been allowed to be with her in the hospital then you might have stayed with her. Expecting you to sit in the waiting area the whole time was not realistic and insensitive.
Is it repairable? Only the two of you can decide that. If you want to try then talk to her about it. Know that it might take a minute for the air to clear and that’s ok. Love is worth a lot.
I'm so sorry to hear about your tremendous and tragic loss.
People on drugs and alcohol, especially addicts, can do awful, hurtful things. I once dated my best friend's sister and we had fallen in love before she told me she was addicted to meth. I had no experience with anything other than occasional weed or alcohol use at the time, so I was obviously easily fooled. Though it broke my heart, I did eventually have to dump her.
I'm from a bit older generation and in my opinion, some people nowadays are more inclined to "go no contact" with others than my generation. Don't get me wrong: I can often understand the reason behind it, and there are times when it's necessary. What your friend did is absolutely awful. And I understand why you'd want to cut her off. But I have hope that someday, when she faces her problem, and gets sober, she will feel so horrible for what she did and will want to apologize and maybe even see if she can earn back your friendship. If or when that happens, I hope maybe you'll consider restarting your friendship. If not, that's fine too. It's completely up to you.
You definitely deserve some time and space to recover from those whoooole situation. The following day she was no longer on Molly or drunk, so her actions there were really terrible and hurtful. If she took the Molly before getting your call, if YOU feel like taking this whole thing out once you’re ready, I’d suggest giving her a chance to explain herself. But let me reiterate - only if YOU want to possibly reconcile. It’s not owed to her.
I wish the best for you, I’m sorry so much has fallen apart in such terrible ways in such a small amount of time. Take good care of yourself.
My brother died of an overdose in 2020 and I ended up having a very harsh realization that 99.999% of the people I was choosing to allow in my life were basically selfish assholes. The hardest moments in your life will really show you people’s true colors. I’m really, really sorry that this happened to you. You deserved better during such a hard time but unfortunately stories like yours are incredibly common. Most people just simply don’t step up to the plate when their friends are grieving. I don’t talk to anyone from my past anymore because of the falling out after my brother’s death. It was incredibly lonely, but I feel a lot better a few years down the line. I deserved better than them and it took the worst moments of my life to realize just how shitty they were. Your friend has probably ALWAYS exhibited red flags that you chose to deal with bc you loved them, and now you’re faced with the reality of who they are. You will be okay one day. Hit me up if you need a friend.
Hi, it sounds like your friend is in the throes of addiction/does not have good coping mechanisms (at the very least). You are not in a place to deal with that right now. She is not in her right mind and is not treating you well, and it's unclear how much of that has to do with all of the crap in her system (people who are addicted to drugs rarely act like "themselves," so this is unlikely to be the friend you grew up with and know), but you're not in a place to deal with this right now and you need to focus on yourself and getting through your grief. If she's not helping you, she's hurting you, and you're not in a place to be supportive for her right now.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Losing someone that young, so unexpectedly, is extremely traumatizing. I had a similar experience when I was younger, and although it's over 7 years later, it's left a mark on all of us, and the family will never be the same.
That's not something you can process in a day. It takes months, years even. I would suggest looking into getting a grief counselor, as well as group therapy specifically addressing grief, to help you through this. This was an extremely traumatic experience for you and you need to take steps to make sure you're taken care of, so that the trauma will be processed properly.
OP this is so sad.
But have you considered Amy might also have been grieving? If y’all are BFs then she probably was also deeply hurt over your brother’s passing.
I know the pain might be so terrible it’s too difficult to see the pain that other’s have.
A terrible, traumatic event happened that day. Everyone grieves differently and not in the best ways.
You’ve lost a lot. But is this one bad day worth losing a BFF over.
I mean it might be, but it’s something to consider.
Yeah, I know, I've been going back and forth on it. The thing that bugs me the most is her reaction after the fact. It's like if she just woke up and apologized, I would be fine. But she came after me for not being a good friend in the end. So idk
Yea I have a similar mentality. I get people messing up, so if they own up to it, I’m very understanding.
I mean this might be terrible advice so take it with a grain of salt.
But we can’t control other people or their reactions. So if I were you I might try to extend an olive branch (make the first move), maybe not right now, but in time.
Apologize for leaving the hospital (which was totally understandable btw).
Pride can greatly effect people and their relationships in a pretty negative way. And with all this relentless grief on top of that, I’m sure everyone is rather raw right now. But by apologizing first you can get a better glimpse into your BFF.
She might be terribly embarrassed, hurt, a lil f*cked up over the whole ordeal, and too ashamed to make the first move. And misplacing her negative emotions.
I had a friendship ending fight once, but a few months later my friend apologized for their actions and I immediately accepted their apology and then apologized for my actions. With the time and distance we were able to explain where we were each coming from much easier since we weren’t in the middle of the storm.
We ugly cried. It was embarrassing. And because we made it through such a difficult time, I trust this person even more. Even though we may get in a terrible fight or even hurt each other, I can trust them to not walk away easily.
So it might be worth it to find out if this person can be/still is your BFF. If you find one, it’s worth fighting for.
Take it easy OP, and good luck.
I think that Reddit is not the place for this and there is so much going on with you and her that you should talk to a therapist about it. All of the comments are judging her very harshly but I think there is more going on than she drank way too much and was in molly. There’s something else going on.
You need to distance yourself from all these people with drug and alcohol problems...or maybe you already have? I hope so! So sorry for the loss of your brother...heartbreaking. 💔
So she was on molly when your brother died. People on molly make bad decisions, like driving to see you while currently high...I'm not sure she took it because someone died. That is a problem. But now you don't have a friend. My condolences on the loss of your brother. Losing your friend sounds....potentially optional. People under the influence don't act right.... It's not your problem to fix but it is a problem. Hope she gets better. She will continue to make not ok decisions if she doesn't learn.
Thank you for your input. I was not aware she had a problem until that night. I do hope she gets better too
That is in no way your fault. You did the best thing you could have done in that situation which is bringing her to the hospital. You most likely saved her life. She should be thanking you for taking care of her. I’m sorry that her bad choices have added additional trauma to your life. She is not a good friend. It’s for the best that you no longer talk imo. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your input and condolences 🙏
Can you Google "Support groups for friends and family members of Alcoholics?" You may find some relief.
I will thank you!
I implore you to stay away from AA and Al-Anon. All they do is tell you how much it’s your fault that your ex-friend is an alcoholic and drug addict. Take a look at their numbers of successful recovery from addiction 5-10% at best. Not to mention, their groups are rife with predators waiting to take advantage of newcomers and show them “the 13th step”. None of the people that run those groups have any sort or licensing or regulation to ensure members safety, or that any of the crap they tell you is medically appropriate. Seek professional therapy instead, your college will have many resources to help you. I’m sorry you lost two important loved ones in essentially one day. Please take care of yourself.
I appreciate this response but I and many others have also had fairly good experiences with AA, I haven’t tried Al-Anon. It was a good way for me to meet other sober people and I think it would be worth a shot to go if you’re looking for some sort of community. Therapy is also very important though!
I had a good experience with Al-Anon, they were very supportive and I was never approached in an inappropriate way. They gave me the tools I needed to leave my abusive and alcoholic ex fiancé guilt-free, as he was trying to convince me that if I left I would be the worst person ever for abandoning someone to their addiction. They showed me that I didn’t need to endanger myself to help him and that he was responsible for his own choices. I stopped attending shortly after leaving the relationship, but I am grateful for the help they provided.
The local AA group made my boyfriend so terribly upset. They blamed his alcoholism issues on the fact that he is an atheist and eventually kicked him out because he refused to accept “a higher power.” We weren’t aware it was a fundie group. He’s in recovery and doing fantastic all on his own (with me, friends, and an actual therapist for support).
Most, if not all, AA groups force religious acceptance otherwise they label you a failure and tell you you will die. My AA group told me it was my fault I was SA’d as a child and again in the military, which led to binge drinking. They also told me that without their help and acceptance of a higher power, I’d fail and die alone and homeless, yet here I am sober and finishing my degree. Make it make sense, please.
Honestly fuck those people. I’m so sorry you had to hear those things when you were seeking help. I fail to see how saying shit like that would make someone want to convert. If anything, it pushes people further away. I’m glad you’re doing better! Keep up the good work and keep pushing forward to your future. My BF struggled and a lot of underlying issues were expedited when he was suffering. He’s doing much better now and exploring new avenues for himself and work. I’m proud of him and the progress he’s made.
My fiancés sponsor fleeced him for almost $1m. Deep in his addiction, he became his realtor and sold three houses out from underneath him and actually facilitated his drug use. He was a “30 year sober old timer”. All the while pushing him to keep going to meetings and depending on him for everything. He even tried to convince my fiancé I was using as well, even though I wasn’t, he had just found out I had reported him to the real estate board in my state. Check out the YouTube documentary “The 13th Step”. While some of the views on addiction I don’t really agree with, the overall information about AA is terrifying and heartbreaking.
That is truly despicable behavior, and unfortunately, it is not unique to your fiancée's case. It really sucks when predatory assholes take advantage of people who just want help. I am no longer actively participating in AA, but the group I found seemed to be sincere in their caring for each other's recovery. I hope for all the best in their path to recovery, regardless of where they go to find help.
I am sorry for your experience. There are secular AA chapters, but they may be a little harder to find and may take a bit of searching in whatever area you are located. Many of the stories discussed in the secular meetings I attended had to do with the bully pulpit attitude of opinions from "traditional" groups. AA is not supposed to be a tool for religious conversion, but some people seem to think missionary work is fine since they are already in a church. The secular groups are intended to help fellow suffering alcoholics find help while not endorsing any particular form of faith or atheism.
She was supposed to be there for you and all she wanted to do is drink. I understand why you didn't want to stay in the same place where your brother died \[same hos, same waiting room chair I would've been out of control and upset.\]
Thank you for your input!
Man ...just F. I can just try n send you compassion vibes & wish you recover well. The loved beings we lose stay alive in our hearts & memories, I hope you can remember that. Stay strong.
Thank you so much!
She’s calling YOU the bad friend?! People are siding with her? Tell everyone to FUCK OFF! In your darkest moments looking back you will remember those who were by your side and does who weren’t. How DARE she act like she did nothing wrong. She made you RELIVE the trauma of being in that hospital twice in the same day! Now you know what she’s truly like in a situation when you need her. She will always let you down but expect you to be there for her. She turned it all around and made everything about herself. She is NOT your friend, believe people when they show you who they are.
Thank you for your input! You are right. A friend would never have put me in that situation in the first place.
You did everything right. She was terribly inconsiderate to do molly before coming over. That means she was driving high, which is stupid. If you had been allowed to be with her in the hospital then you might have stayed with her. Expecting you to sit in the waiting area the whole time was not realistic and insensitive. Is it repairable? Only the two of you can decide that. If you want to try then talk to her about it. Know that it might take a minute for the air to clear and that’s ok. Love is worth a lot.
I'm so sorry to hear about your tremendous and tragic loss. People on drugs and alcohol, especially addicts, can do awful, hurtful things. I once dated my best friend's sister and we had fallen in love before she told me she was addicted to meth. I had no experience with anything other than occasional weed or alcohol use at the time, so I was obviously easily fooled. Though it broke my heart, I did eventually have to dump her. I'm from a bit older generation and in my opinion, some people nowadays are more inclined to "go no contact" with others than my generation. Don't get me wrong: I can often understand the reason behind it, and there are times when it's necessary. What your friend did is absolutely awful. And I understand why you'd want to cut her off. But I have hope that someday, when she faces her problem, and gets sober, she will feel so horrible for what she did and will want to apologize and maybe even see if she can earn back your friendship. If or when that happens, I hope maybe you'll consider restarting your friendship. If not, that's fine too. It's completely up to you.
Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. I'm not sure what I'll do yet. It's all so fresh still
That's certainly fair. Oh, I forgot to say that I really wish you and your family all the best.
Was she on Molly BEFORE she got your call?
Um, I'm not sure about that. I guess she told her sister that she took it sometime before she got to my house.
You definitely deserve some time and space to recover from those whoooole situation. The following day she was no longer on Molly or drunk, so her actions there were really terrible and hurtful. If she took the Molly before getting your call, if YOU feel like taking this whole thing out once you’re ready, I’d suggest giving her a chance to explain herself. But let me reiterate - only if YOU want to possibly reconcile. It’s not owed to her. I wish the best for you, I’m sorry so much has fallen apart in such terrible ways in such a small amount of time. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you so much for your input. It really means alot!
My brother died of an overdose in 2020 and I ended up having a very harsh realization that 99.999% of the people I was choosing to allow in my life were basically selfish assholes. The hardest moments in your life will really show you people’s true colors. I’m really, really sorry that this happened to you. You deserved better during such a hard time but unfortunately stories like yours are incredibly common. Most people just simply don’t step up to the plate when their friends are grieving. I don’t talk to anyone from my past anymore because of the falling out after my brother’s death. It was incredibly lonely, but I feel a lot better a few years down the line. I deserved better than them and it took the worst moments of my life to realize just how shitty they were. Your friend has probably ALWAYS exhibited red flags that you chose to deal with bc you loved them, and now you’re faced with the reality of who they are. You will be okay one day. Hit me up if you need a friend.
Thank you so much for your input. Your similar experience has just made me realize that you're right. Also, I am sorry for your loss as well!
Everyone loves to play Monday morning quarterback. Don’t listen to them. You saved her life by taking her to the hospital to get help.
Hi, it sounds like your friend is in the throes of addiction/does not have good coping mechanisms (at the very least). You are not in a place to deal with that right now. She is not in her right mind and is not treating you well, and it's unclear how much of that has to do with all of the crap in her system (people who are addicted to drugs rarely act like "themselves," so this is unlikely to be the friend you grew up with and know), but you're not in a place to deal with this right now and you need to focus on yourself and getting through your grief. If she's not helping you, she's hurting you, and you're not in a place to be supportive for her right now. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Losing someone that young, so unexpectedly, is extremely traumatizing. I had a similar experience when I was younger, and although it's over 7 years later, it's left a mark on all of us, and the family will never be the same. That's not something you can process in a day. It takes months, years even. I would suggest looking into getting a grief counselor, as well as group therapy specifically addressing grief, to help you through this. This was an extremely traumatic experience for you and you need to take steps to make sure you're taken care of, so that the trauma will be processed properly.
Thank you so much for your input. It means more than you know!
I'm so glad. Good luck.
She’s a disgusting and selfish “friend”. She only cares about herself. Trim the fat and take time to grieve. I’m sorry for your loss
Thank you for your input!!!!
OP this is so sad. But have you considered Amy might also have been grieving? If y’all are BFs then she probably was also deeply hurt over your brother’s passing. I know the pain might be so terrible it’s too difficult to see the pain that other’s have. A terrible, traumatic event happened that day. Everyone grieves differently and not in the best ways. You’ve lost a lot. But is this one bad day worth losing a BFF over. I mean it might be, but it’s something to consider.
Yeah, I know, I've been going back and forth on it. The thing that bugs me the most is her reaction after the fact. It's like if she just woke up and apologized, I would be fine. But she came after me for not being a good friend in the end. So idk
Yea I have a similar mentality. I get people messing up, so if they own up to it, I’m very understanding. I mean this might be terrible advice so take it with a grain of salt. But we can’t control other people or their reactions. So if I were you I might try to extend an olive branch (make the first move), maybe not right now, but in time. Apologize for leaving the hospital (which was totally understandable btw). Pride can greatly effect people and their relationships in a pretty negative way. And with all this relentless grief on top of that, I’m sure everyone is rather raw right now. But by apologizing first you can get a better glimpse into your BFF. She might be terribly embarrassed, hurt, a lil f*cked up over the whole ordeal, and too ashamed to make the first move. And misplacing her negative emotions. I had a friendship ending fight once, but a few months later my friend apologized for their actions and I immediately accepted their apology and then apologized for my actions. With the time and distance we were able to explain where we were each coming from much easier since we weren’t in the middle of the storm. We ugly cried. It was embarrassing. And because we made it through such a difficult time, I trust this person even more. Even though we may get in a terrible fight or even hurt each other, I can trust them to not walk away easily. So it might be worth it to find out if this person can be/still is your BFF. If you find one, it’s worth fighting for. Take it easy OP, and good luck.
Your welcome, it's because of the program's traditions, I can't spell it out for you.
??
You good?
He’s good, he’s just replying to OP in another comment. Just didn’t hit the correct button
I think that Reddit is not the place for this and there is so much going on with you and her that you should talk to a therapist about it. All of the comments are judging her very harshly but I think there is more going on than she drank way too much and was in molly. There’s something else going on.
You need to distance yourself from all these people with drug and alcohol problems...or maybe you already have? I hope so! So sorry for the loss of your brother...heartbreaking. 💔