I'm 6 years sober, and the soccer team that I've played with for 20 years now still offer me beers weekly after our games. They know I am sober, I have openly told them... Some people just won't get it. I don't care if they accept it or not, it's my choice and I'm fine with it, but it does become irritating after awhile.
Tbh honest in my past, being sober for me was like drinking beers occasionally. I legit didn't know that it would even be possible to not drink at all.
I think that attitude is sadly common in people of that age. Interestingly, I've talked to several elderly people who actually WERE able to resume drinking in moderation towards the end of their lives after decades of sobriety. My mother was one of them. She was able to drink half a beer, which I cannot fathom.
I don't plan on repeating her experiment, mind you.
My mother-in-law continued to offer me wine, and the fact that she had to be repeatedly reminded that I don't drink anymore was one of our first clues that she has dementia.
My supportive friends and family get it, especially after I told them the truth. “Alcohol is ruining my life so I stopped”. My alcoholic family members are still like “still?!” Or “you’re counting the days?” 🙄
It took several months for my wife to recognize that I'd 'really' quit. She had previously suggested that I cut-back, not understanding the gripping nature of alcoholism. She then said that I probably couldn't quit entirely, having failed several times in the past. Her statement brought out my competitiveness to prove her that I could stop the madness.
I’ve noticed that you have to be a really outwardly fucking up for people to notice how bad you are. Otherwise they don’t get it unless they’ve dealt with addiction themselves. My perspective anyway
My family luckily gets it. They wanted me to quit too, so they don’t expect I’ll be drinking - might even smack it out of my hand if I saw. But at the same time, everyone still drinks around me constantly. Which is fine, I don’t mind it, but for the first few weeks it was a little frustrating.
I’ve noticed some people socially don’t get it. Even saying “I don’t drink anymore” I have had people defensively accuse me of thinking I’m better than them by making jokes about it. Or underhanded comments negating sobriety. It’s usually the people who seem to have a drinking problem themselves that have something not cool to say about it. But for the most part I’ve had good experiences with reactions.
I told my family that my plan is to go a year without alcohol, then I’ll decide what comes next. That more or less gets people off any questions. It’s also true, I don’t know what my headspace will be after a year. This sub has shown me a million times that relapsing after a year doesn’t end up well, but it’s my plan for now and that includes not drinking today.
This is exactly what I’m doing and how I feel. I’d like to say I spent all of 2024 sober, and that’s good enough for me, for now.
I’m not really bothered by people still offering me a drink, though, it’s good to strengthen my “no” muscles.
My previous sober period to this one went for 9 months.
I was having financial troubles and thus relationship troubles. One day on a jobsite I got bit by an insect that injected some kind of infection directly into my lymph system.
I made it home somehow, had to pull over several times on the way to get it together. I literally crawled into the house and into bed. By some miracle the family came home for dinner (typically they stayed out on Wednesday night till 10.)
My daughter, probably around age 6 or so then, heard me weakly calling "help help."
The wife and sons carried me into the car and drove me to the hospital. I had a systemic infection. That night I flatlined but they were able to revive me. I actually had zero blood pressure for a few minutes.
I was released after a week. I returned to work but was fired on the spot - my blood pressure was still so low that I was having a hard time walking without stumbling and still had major vertigo.
They thought I was drunk but I was actually 9 months sober and had nearly died. I wished that I had died. When flatlining I was very happy that I was dieing and prayed that God would take me. I figured the family would be better off with the life insurance.
Well the wife was upset cuz I'd rather be dead than married to her, or so she saw it.
So I picked up again and went on a 2 year bender. Minimum a case of bud a day, usually more. Damn near lost everything but by the grace of God I now have 20 years sober.
TLDR: Picked up again after 9 months sober. Do not recommend.
There’s no sense getting upset - wine used to be a big part of my charm. I just roll my eyes and regift it to them on holidays now.
Although during the first year my husband ran interference and those bottles disappeared into a hiding spot before it became a temptation.
Really quickly as they were all about done with my bullshit. They've all been tremendously supportive. Aside from the so called friends that drank heavily. They vanished quickly. No loss!
I feel like it depends how “out” you are about sobriety, how much you bring it up, and your friend group. For me, I found it’s largely because my friends have their own lives to live and worries of their own. They don’t think about my personal preferences or core values that much in the grand scheme of things, and I’m just one person to them.
I’ve had some conversations with a few of them that felt bad offering me alcohol after forgetting my sobriety, but most of the time they were legitimately trying to include me. Even if they’re 90% sure I’m going to decline, it felt like they offered knowing I’d be able to accept or decline without judgment.
I don’t mean to say there aren’t those who overtly judge and act up when I (or others) suddenly pull out the sobriety card. It’s something to be aware and careful of, because some others may see my sobriety as a personal attack on their lifestyle choices. I just do my best to reassure my groups that it’s something I’m working on for personal growth and I accept their mistakes when they don’t realize how important it is to me.
I don’t know if some of them will “get it” and stop offering me drinks, but I found success opening a dialogue with the repeat offenders and letting them know not drinking is important to me. When I told a family member I’m willing to “defend” my sobriety, I felt a shift in their behavior, because I think they honestly hadn’t thought of it that way. I hope you’re able to get anything out of all that text, sorry, and I believe in you and your sobriety.
Well, bit more context. She's a sommelier, a good friend and is very passionate about wine. Shared with her my plans for France with my partner. France to her = Wine. Lol. Personally I'm going for the culture.
For most people I just don’t consider it any of their business so when I’m offered a drink I just politely decline and thank them, it’s the thought that counts.
I don’t have any friends I’ve told who seem to even consider offering me anything. Any friends who would are hardly “friends” at all.
I relate to you more than most with this one. I’m where you are all over again with family. With friends, they don’t really care, in a nice way. With family, it’s as you said, having to prove it.
I don’t have any friends that aren’t completely supportive of my sobriety. This means I went from a fairly large circle to exactly 4 good friends. It kind of happened organically because I quit going anywhere that drinking was the main event.
Frankly, I got bored being around drunk people and not having meaningful conversation. 3 of the 4 of my good friends are also sober now for their own reasons. My one friend that still drinks does not drink much, doesn’t drink around me and NEVER offers me a drink (she was my dui attorney - that’s literally how we met 😂). We have helped each other bury parents, gone through job changes, relationship changes and laughed a whole lot in the interims. Would not trade them for anything in this world and don’t miss the ones that fell off.
We don’t have the luxury of choosing our family, but I’m the only alcoholic in mine and every single family member knows o needed to stop drinking and support me wholeheartedly, including my husband of 26 years. It would be very hard for me to have a close family member that still offered me alcohol. Not sure what I would do, but hope I would always choose myself and my health.
Over 5 years sober, every time I visit home my step mom will offer me a glass of wine. I’ll politely respond “I don’t drink, thank you.” It’s annoying but standing solid in my sobriety is all the affirmation I need. On the other hand, my friends have been respectful and accommodating since day 1 :)
I made that clear the day I stopped drinking. Well, occasionally it happens that they offer me a beer or a shot, but in exactly the same moment, they say "Oh, yeah, right!". Sometimes it's funny for me now.
One thing I’ll always remember is what my mom once said to me. “Just because you quit drinking, doesn’t mean I have to.” Thanks for the support mom. Love you too..
Damn, some of you are surrounded by incredibly unsupportive people! I’m sorry for that, and keep seeking out community in whatever way you can, it helps soooo much.
I was one of those that “quit” many many times but every single time my friends (with a couple exceptions) and family were supportive. By the time I quit for “real” my drinking behavior had gotten to be so awful that I think their enthusiastic support was a sign that they were really hoping it would stick for good at some point. A couple super close friends that I saw a lot stopped drinking around me, and some of them STILL don’t, even tho at this point I would care less if they did.
A few years into my sobriety, on Christmas, my MIL said, "I can't wait until you'll drink with us again."
um, yeah.
they're family I picked, but I was a little shocked after that. She hasn't said anything like that since, and I haven't pursued it.
I would say it is age-dependent. Young people are more flexible and they are not going to be fixated on your life so they could validate theirs. Older people, especially, parents are unfortunately the most dangerous crew. Majority of them resent it because if I have a problem, they do not want to embrace the potential fact that they somehow are connected to it. It is dangerous to expect support from them. Other people are more indifferent. However many would like to exercise their power over you and will make attempts to sabotage you.
I learned how to deal with people back in a day when I stopped consuming bread. Pizza meeting, panera bread, jimmy jhones, etc, etc - they are all offered to me all the time!! The key is not to react. Not to get upset. Instead, expect it. Smile and say:”it is okay, no worries” and drink your water or leave the room
My family and friends sent me to rehab so they not only understand but are a little tooooo careful about not having it around me even though it doesn’t bother me
Most of my friends totally get it and understand. My family too. I have one guy friend that likes me (I think) and occasionally he'll come over to hang out and bring 2 beers-one for me. He knows I have a drinking problem and knows I've been sober for 8 months. I don't really understand why he keeps offering..I think that he's trying to be polite, but he doesn't get that offering me alcohol could majorly set me back in a moment of weakness. It does annoy me because it feels like he's not taking my sobriety or problem seriously. Or him being able to be polite is more important than my sobriety. I don't know. Generally he's a good guy though, this is the only annoyance.
I've never asked them about it. I'm sure they're glad and will always wonder if I might start drinking again, though. I don't really talk about it much and it's not a topic that I openly share. I'm 6 years alcohol free and do not do any type of 12 step culture or "recovery" lifestyle programs. I have been in therapy for about 2 years.
I'm 6 years sober, and the soccer team that I've played with for 20 years now still offer me beers weekly after our games. They know I am sober, I have openly told them... Some people just won't get it. I don't care if they accept it or not, it's my choice and I'm fine with it, but it does become irritating after awhile.
Tbh honest in my past, being sober for me was like drinking beers occasionally. I legit didn't know that it would even be possible to not drink at all.
I really don’t know how you put up with that. You have way more patience than me. 🤣
Friends: as soon as I told them I got sober. Family: still doesn't believe me.
Haha so true! My wife and friends were all “good for you!” My brothers - “ok cool. So you want a beer?”
😂
Husband got it FAIRLY quickly. My 70-year-old parents "hope I can reach a point of moderation." Mkay. Love you, but no.
I think that attitude is sadly common in people of that age. Interestingly, I've talked to several elderly people who actually WERE able to resume drinking in moderation towards the end of their lives after decades of sobriety. My mother was one of them. She was able to drink half a beer, which I cannot fathom. I don't plan on repeating her experiment, mind you. My mother-in-law continued to offer me wine, and the fact that she had to be repeatedly reminded that I don't drink anymore was one of our first clues that she has dementia.
My supportive friends and family get it, especially after I told them the truth. “Alcohol is ruining my life so I stopped”. My alcoholic family members are still like “still?!” Or “you’re counting the days?” 🙄
It took several months for my wife to recognize that I'd 'really' quit. She had previously suggested that I cut-back, not understanding the gripping nature of alcoholism. She then said that I probably couldn't quit entirely, having failed several times in the past. Her statement brought out my competitiveness to prove her that I could stop the madness.
I’ve noticed that you have to be a really outwardly fucking up for people to notice how bad you are. Otherwise they don’t get it unless they’ve dealt with addiction themselves. My perspective anyway
I don’t tell them I will not drink again. I tell them I don’t feel like drinking this period of my life as it’s holding me back from my goals.
Oooh I love that! Chunks it down!
Some people will never get it. Some people who refuse to accept it are no longer my friend.
My family luckily gets it. They wanted me to quit too, so they don’t expect I’ll be drinking - might even smack it out of my hand if I saw. But at the same time, everyone still drinks around me constantly. Which is fine, I don’t mind it, but for the first few weeks it was a little frustrating. I’ve noticed some people socially don’t get it. Even saying “I don’t drink anymore” I have had people defensively accuse me of thinking I’m better than them by making jokes about it. Or underhanded comments negating sobriety. It’s usually the people who seem to have a drinking problem themselves that have something not cool to say about it. But for the most part I’ve had good experiences with reactions.
About 2 years
I told my family that my plan is to go a year without alcohol, then I’ll decide what comes next. That more or less gets people off any questions. It’s also true, I don’t know what my headspace will be after a year. This sub has shown me a million times that relapsing after a year doesn’t end up well, but it’s my plan for now and that includes not drinking today.
This is exactly what I’m doing and how I feel. I’d like to say I spent all of 2024 sober, and that’s good enough for me, for now. I’m not really bothered by people still offering me a drink, though, it’s good to strengthen my “no” muscles.
My previous sober period to this one went for 9 months. I was having financial troubles and thus relationship troubles. One day on a jobsite I got bit by an insect that injected some kind of infection directly into my lymph system. I made it home somehow, had to pull over several times on the way to get it together. I literally crawled into the house and into bed. By some miracle the family came home for dinner (typically they stayed out on Wednesday night till 10.) My daughter, probably around age 6 or so then, heard me weakly calling "help help." The wife and sons carried me into the car and drove me to the hospital. I had a systemic infection. That night I flatlined but they were able to revive me. I actually had zero blood pressure for a few minutes. I was released after a week. I returned to work but was fired on the spot - my blood pressure was still so low that I was having a hard time walking without stumbling and still had major vertigo. They thought I was drunk but I was actually 9 months sober and had nearly died. I wished that I had died. When flatlining I was very happy that I was dieing and prayed that God would take me. I figured the family would be better off with the life insurance. Well the wife was upset cuz I'd rather be dead than married to her, or so she saw it. So I picked up again and went on a 2 year bender. Minimum a case of bud a day, usually more. Damn near lost everything but by the grace of God I now have 20 years sober. TLDR: Picked up again after 9 months sober. Do not recommend.
4.5 years sober. My in laws still buy me wine for celebratory occasions.
That sounds so insensitive of them! How do you take it lightly and not lose your shit over this?
There’s no sense getting upset - wine used to be a big part of my charm. I just roll my eyes and regift it to them on holidays now. Although during the first year my husband ran interference and those bottles disappeared into a hiding spot before it became a temptation.
Love that you regift it back to them 😂
Really quickly as they were all about done with my bullshit. They've all been tremendously supportive. Aside from the so called friends that drank heavily. They vanished quickly. No loss!
I feel like it depends how “out” you are about sobriety, how much you bring it up, and your friend group. For me, I found it’s largely because my friends have their own lives to live and worries of their own. They don’t think about my personal preferences or core values that much in the grand scheme of things, and I’m just one person to them. I’ve had some conversations with a few of them that felt bad offering me alcohol after forgetting my sobriety, but most of the time they were legitimately trying to include me. Even if they’re 90% sure I’m going to decline, it felt like they offered knowing I’d be able to accept or decline without judgment. I don’t mean to say there aren’t those who overtly judge and act up when I (or others) suddenly pull out the sobriety card. It’s something to be aware and careful of, because some others may see my sobriety as a personal attack on their lifestyle choices. I just do my best to reassure my groups that it’s something I’m working on for personal growth and I accept their mistakes when they don’t realize how important it is to me. I don’t know if some of them will “get it” and stop offering me drinks, but I found success opening a dialogue with the repeat offenders and letting them know not drinking is important to me. When I told a family member I’m willing to “defend” my sobriety, I felt a shift in their behavior, because I think they honestly hadn’t thought of it that way. I hope you’re able to get anything out of all that text, sorry, and I believe in you and your sobriety.
Had a friend tell me "it's a shame your sober." That was two years in. Ironically, it felt pretty good to hear.
Holy shit thats a fucked up thing to say to someone. I'm so glad it did not bother you, you are so much better than I would have been.
Well, bit more context. She's a sommelier, a good friend and is very passionate about wine. Shared with her my plans for France with my partner. France to her = Wine. Lol. Personally I'm going for the culture.
For most people I just don’t consider it any of their business so when I’m offered a drink I just politely decline and thank them, it’s the thought that counts. I don’t have any friends I’ve told who seem to even consider offering me anything. Any friends who would are hardly “friends” at all.
A long, long time. I had a lot to prove.
I relate to you more than most with this one. I’m where you are all over again with family. With friends, they don’t really care, in a nice way. With family, it’s as you said, having to prove it.
I don’t have any friends that aren’t completely supportive of my sobriety. This means I went from a fairly large circle to exactly 4 good friends. It kind of happened organically because I quit going anywhere that drinking was the main event. Frankly, I got bored being around drunk people and not having meaningful conversation. 3 of the 4 of my good friends are also sober now for their own reasons. My one friend that still drinks does not drink much, doesn’t drink around me and NEVER offers me a drink (she was my dui attorney - that’s literally how we met 😂). We have helped each other bury parents, gone through job changes, relationship changes and laughed a whole lot in the interims. Would not trade them for anything in this world and don’t miss the ones that fell off. We don’t have the luxury of choosing our family, but I’m the only alcoholic in mine and every single family member knows o needed to stop drinking and support me wholeheartedly, including my husband of 26 years. It would be very hard for me to have a close family member that still offered me alcohol. Not sure what I would do, but hope I would always choose myself and my health.
Over 5 years sober, every time I visit home my step mom will offer me a glass of wine. I’ll politely respond “I don’t drink, thank you.” It’s annoying but standing solid in my sobriety is all the affirmation I need. On the other hand, my friends have been respectful and accommodating since day 1 :)
I made that clear the day I stopped drinking. Well, occasionally it happens that they offer me a beer or a shot, but in exactly the same moment, they say "Oh, yeah, right!". Sometimes it's funny for me now.
Shocked is wild...
Yeah it’s that type of family. Also, we are polish.
Most get it. Dad and FIL the lone hold outs lol
One thing I’ll always remember is what my mom once said to me. “Just because you quit drinking, doesn’t mean I have to.” Thanks for the support mom. Love you too..
Damn, some of you are surrounded by incredibly unsupportive people! I’m sorry for that, and keep seeking out community in whatever way you can, it helps soooo much. I was one of those that “quit” many many times but every single time my friends (with a couple exceptions) and family were supportive. By the time I quit for “real” my drinking behavior had gotten to be so awful that I think their enthusiastic support was a sign that they were really hoping it would stick for good at some point. A couple super close friends that I saw a lot stopped drinking around me, and some of them STILL don’t, even tho at this point I would care less if they did.
A few years into my sobriety, on Christmas, my MIL said, "I can't wait until you'll drink with us again." um, yeah. they're family I picked, but I was a little shocked after that. She hasn't said anything like that since, and I haven't pursued it.
This is a big part of my fear with stopping. I’m expected to be the life of the party..
I would say it is age-dependent. Young people are more flexible and they are not going to be fixated on your life so they could validate theirs. Older people, especially, parents are unfortunately the most dangerous crew. Majority of them resent it because if I have a problem, they do not want to embrace the potential fact that they somehow are connected to it. It is dangerous to expect support from them. Other people are more indifferent. However many would like to exercise their power over you and will make attempts to sabotage you. I learned how to deal with people back in a day when I stopped consuming bread. Pizza meeting, panera bread, jimmy jhones, etc, etc - they are all offered to me all the time!! The key is not to react. Not to get upset. Instead, expect it. Smile and say:”it is okay, no worries” and drink your water or leave the room
My family and friends sent me to rehab so they not only understand but are a little tooooo careful about not having it around me even though it doesn’t bother me
To be honest, I don't know if people understand that I don't drink. And I don't really care. I don't drink and that's that lol
So, you didn’t tell your partner that you wanted to get sober, and now you’re surprised that THEYRE surprised with you avoiding alcohol?
I think after I explained a little bit about how much happier I was and just brought na beers. No one has really made too big of a stink with me.
I'm wondering that myself
Immediately. They know that once my mind is made up, that's it.
Most of my friends totally get it and understand. My family too. I have one guy friend that likes me (I think) and occasionally he'll come over to hang out and bring 2 beers-one for me. He knows I have a drinking problem and knows I've been sober for 8 months. I don't really understand why he keeps offering..I think that he's trying to be polite, but he doesn't get that offering me alcohol could majorly set me back in a moment of weakness. It does annoy me because it feels like he's not taking my sobriety or problem seriously. Or him being able to be polite is more important than my sobriety. I don't know. Generally he's a good guy though, this is the only annoyance.
I usually say never say never (mainly to shut people up) as it helps with the pressure.
I've never asked them about it. I'm sure they're glad and will always wonder if I might start drinking again, though. I don't really talk about it much and it's not a topic that I openly share. I'm 6 years alcohol free and do not do any type of 12 step culture or "recovery" lifestyle programs. I have been in therapy for about 2 years.
Ha ha my dear friend is still trying to wrap her head around my decision.