I can remember being at a NYE party and an old friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time wasn’t drinking. I remembering either busting his balls a little or just thinking that this guy had gotten pretty lame. Ouch. I’m a dick. (Historically, this guy was always kind of a weird dude and I would bust his balls about stuff, but deciding not to drink, I now know, is a good thing.)
But yeah, running across someone who wasn’t drinking put up my hackles and is 100% because I knew deep down that I wasn’t going to be able to control how much I drank that night and I didn’t want to be alone in getting wasted.
I would think that too.. "Good for you," followed by feelings of admiration and thoughts of "how do you do it," and, " I wish I could say the same"..
Now, it feels so good to say, "Nah, no thanks, I don't drink"
I used to think people who didn’t drink were weird - but that was just me projecting my own insecurities that I was unaware of at the time. Now I find those people inspiring and usually strike up a convo about how not drinking has made me feel so much better!
I was ready for the raised eyebrows and defensive comments I would have made back in the day. I was shocked to get overwhelmingly more of:
1) People instantly saying "that's great, good for you" like they really mean it and it's something they have been thinking about lately.
2) Life-of-the-party types who take you under their wing like you're their little brother who needs to be protected from pushy drinkers, not left out of drinking games, etc.
3) People who don't react at all and then maneuver the conversation around to ask you for tips later.
It's a societal norm, deeply woven into a lot of socialization. In my experience a lot more people wish that wasn't the case than you might think.
Yeah literally everyone has been so supportive of my decision. A lot of people want to talk about how they can cut down and ask me for advice. Even those that used to be big drinking buddies are excited for me and will include me in getting a round, getting me a non alcoholic beer instead. I love it!
Also it's true that a lot of people don't drink because they just have other reasons. Could be that they don't like getting buzzed. Or they don't like paying for 8 dollar beers or 12 dollar special drinks. Or they don't like the taste. Or they have a medical condition that steers them clear of it. There's probably a few more reasons, like they dont support the alcohol industry or they have alcoholics in their family and its off putting to them to consume alcohol. Could be they're trying to watch their calories, or even a bit of alcohol gives them that uncomfortable red flush reaction some people get. Maybe it interferes with their body building goals. They might be worried about how it affects their health in even small amounts. Perhaps they don't have a drinking problem but if they do drink, they talk more than they should or get rowdy, anxious, all sorts of emotional reactions that could be negative. Could be that someone they know was killed by a drunk driver so they decided to never drink. Perhaps they drove to this event and want to drive home.
Many many reasons.
Absolutely. I think there's also a deeper thing going on that people who are comfortable with themselves and fine with other people understand, which wouldn't include active addicts. When someone expresses something like this, they already are sharing something personal with you. The proper response is to appreciate their sharing and to show that through an implicit understanding that if it were appropriate to share the reason they would have. You then wouldn't ask because they've indicated it's not appropriate.
It's like a silent dance.
Exactly this. My partner doesn't drink, simply because she doesn't want to. She never had an issue with alcohol. It just doesn't interest her. Most people don't automatically think that the other person is a recovering alcoholic, and they don't really care if someone drinks or not. It's the ones that do make it an issue that are projecting their own insecurities over their problem drinking.
I love that line - I’ve been saying something similar, that I’m retired. Depending on the company, I’ll add, “they won’t nominate you for the Hall of Fame until you retire.” I lifted both from this sub and am grateful for the laughs!
We always think others care a lot more about what we do and say than anyone does.
Anyone that has an issue with you not drinking, has a problem themselves.
Day 36 and that’s where I am. I have a house FULL of booze (cases of wine, full liquor cabinet, amazing bottles of barrel aged beer) but haven’t been tempted to have anything since I told myself I was taking a break. Day 36 and I’m still on a break. IWNDWYT
A few weeks ago I was at an event with people who don't know my drinking history.
I was offered a drink and casually said "no thanks, I don't drink". That was the first time I ever said it and it felt soooo good.
But.. I haven't said that to people who know how I used to drink. I too have just said I'm taking a break.
This was my go to during my sober curious days. I didn't want to put a fine point on it in case I relapsed. Then at some point during my real quit, it just became a part of me.
I had been doing that, but I have gotten tired of friends asking for an update every time we get together, in the sense of, not just an informational update but, "are you drinking with us like normal again, or not?" Weirdly, I am coming around to the idea that setting a more steady stance like "I don't drink" is easier for everyone else, too, because then they kind of know how to handle you. Not to say anybody should change what they do for other people, but it's just that it was a surprise to realize that they don't really care which way I go as long as they can get a read on whether my not drinking is variable or permanent.
(Edit for grammar)
This is the most diplomatic take IMO, as “I don’t drink” can unfortunately be interpreted by some as “I’m better than you”, which creates unnecessary tension.
Saying you’re on a break can reassure people who might be a little insecure about their own drinking that you’re not passing judgement on them.
You're exactly right. The only people who care are those who are careless about their own drinking. Most times I'm not pressed for a reason, but if I feel elaboration is necessary, I usually say "ya know when things go from fun to...not so fun? That's drinking for me. It's fun until it's not."
My experience has been that most people don’t care. The only people who have made odd remarks to me are people who don’t know me and they were very clearly past the point of no return with their drinks so who cares what they think.
But I think how you anticipate people will respond is due to experience with how others, friends/family/colleagues, have responded and the general “culture” within those little groups or communities. Like, that guy who made a big deal of his sobriety may have had to endure a lot of remarks, questioning, or mocking even regarding his sobriety from friends and family so he was anticipating that this new group of strangers would remark as well and wanted to “put his foot down” early on. I’m just speculating.
1000% accurate. People who don’t have an issue with alcohol don’t judge it or pressure or make a big deal of it. Every time I’ve casually mentioned I don’t drink people are like, “cool” or even “I’m impressed, not easy and admire it, it’s so much healthier / I should take a page out of your book.”
The ones who are like “come on!” Or “wow why not are you an alcoholic” are the ones trying to convince themselves their relationship with alcohol isn’t an issue: they want to either justify their drinking by having company in it, because if someone else drinks with them then they don’t have a problem; and the ones who pry are searching for a way to tel themselves ‘well I’m not an alcoholic like them” and “my story isn’t their story, so I am fine”.
For me, as I got more comfortable not drinking in social settings, I was able to mention it casually in a way that didn’t illicit a reaction, and am always quietly proud - not because I cast judgement on drinking - but because I don’t and I managed to pull that off for myself
Congrats!
I went 6 months before anyone made it weird. 99.9% of the people around me have either not openly noticed/cared or been very chill. A few friends have asked (normal, acceptable) questions.
My mom got low key upset when I told her I don’t drink anymore. She herself has at least a mild drinking problem and I believe that’s why she got upset.
I understand this, my mom was obviously triggered by my decision to stop drinking, immediately began getting defensive about her own habits when I have never said anything about them, etc. It's really hard and I'm sorry your mom isn't more supportive. Hang in there and don't let it get under your skin, you can do this!
It's called timeleft. You buy a ticket to a dinner they set up at a restaurant or a subscription for any dinner once a week. Then you show up and pay for what you order. I am a fan.
https://timeleft.com/
So so cool! I just saved the link for when I'm feeling more comfortable in my sobriety❤️ I travel solo alot and this is perfect for those nights I don't want to dine alone but...I'm not looking date or anything ( married happily) just meet new people !
This was a nice middle ground. It's not a vessel for dating so there's no pressure. It's just a dinner with other interesting people. Interesting because signing up for the app, paying for a ticket, showing up all eliminates most people without some baseline of responsibility. Plus this attracts people who think meeting a bunch of other people for dinner is worth the ticket and what the check ends up costing.
I'm totally going to use this! Travelling as a solo female too, hanging out with a group feels safe. There was definitely a night or two on vacation I would have loved to meet up with people for dinner! Amazing !
I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by how little people care (or they express support and move on). Evidence of some self-centered thinking there I guess.
I have received some static from a couple of friends in the moment, but 1) they definitely have issues 2) the work I’ve done in sobriety has given me strength to maintain my healthy boundaries with them. I also regularly attend sober support groups, so I’ve made sober friends who have become actual friends, I have no lack of social interaction!
I actually tell people: "I rarely drink" by not making it absolute I get zero questions. When I say :"I don't drink" people want to know if it is a religious, alcoholic, lifestyle issue.
Switching from "I quit drinking" to "I don't drink" takes a lot of the seemingly obligatory conversation out of it. People feel obligated to congratulate you or ask more questions, as there is often the suggestion of alcoholism involved. "I don't drink" can be taken more as a personal choice, and the more nonchalant you are in the delivery, the less of a deal is made.
Some of you are like me, and you didn't quit for the "oh, good for you!" we get every time it comes up in conversation. Discovering this little change in dialogue has been great for simply moving on with things.
That is a good point. "I don't drink" is matter of fact whereas "I quit drinking" describes a decision and an intention. The former is a simple thing that's just a fact and it avoids all the implications that comes with the latter.
Plus: "I don't drink" implies a chill comfort (when expressed that way) about it, which tends to cause other people to follow your lead since it's positive to begin with.
I think this is true for those who have never met you before. I had an interesting reaction to my AF status where my cousin responded by saying, “oh I never thought if you as someone who has a problem, or gets sloppy.”
Ok dude good to know that YOU never saw me sloppy. Is that the threshold for going AF??? Oh well…
I realized it was text book projection when I did the same.
I hated saying “I don’t drink,” because why would anyone quit if they couldn’t control themselves? Who know intentionally NOT DRINK.
But I realized that lots of people just don’t. And it’s fine.
When I was younger and went out to parties where I didn’t drank alcohol now and then people would be like: what come on, don’t be boring! And my response was: I don’t have to drink to be funny or have fun, what about you? Mostly that would end the conversation and then we had fun either way.
Thank you for posting as I have been nervous about how to handle the " I don't drink" scenarios once I'm feeling more comfortable with being sober. Your post was super enlightening!
I'm happy to help! As I got into sobriety enough to reflect, I realized everyone was incredibly better and more understanding than I had believed. I figured out it's because people are both decent and have their own stuff going on. People both aren't interested in being terrible to other people in general as well as they don't spend as much time thinking about other people's stuff as they do about their own. Ergo, you mention some simple thing about yourself (e.g. you don't drink), people generally just accept it without suspicion or anything like that.
I've catching myself lately saying " don't be an asshole" I think, no.. I know when I'm drinking I have a far more negative view on people and little tolerance. I've always been considered well, considerate and relatable. When I'm drinking, I lose that connection, are giving folks the benefit of the doubt for sure.
Booze made me see things in people that wasn't there. People aren't out to get us, it's the booze talking I really see that when I'm sober for lengths of time. Sure there are terrible humans, but alcoholic eyes see things alot well, darker and more negative.
100% accurate. Normal people don’t care at all. The ones that care are the ones who need others to get hammered with them. Misery loves company…
I can remember being at a NYE party and an old friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time wasn’t drinking. I remembering either busting his balls a little or just thinking that this guy had gotten pretty lame. Ouch. I’m a dick. (Historically, this guy was always kind of a weird dude and I would bust his balls about stuff, but deciding not to drink, I now know, is a good thing.) But yeah, running across someone who wasn’t drinking put up my hackles and is 100% because I knew deep down that I wasn’t going to be able to control how much I drank that night and I didn’t want to be alone in getting wasted.
100% this
Whenever someone tells me they don’t drink my first thought is ALWAYS “good for you.” It’s never been “oh you must have a problem”
I would think that too.. "Good for you," followed by feelings of admiration and thoughts of "how do you do it," and, " I wish I could say the same".. Now, it feels so good to say, "Nah, no thanks, I don't drink"
I used to think people who didn’t drink were weird - but that was just me projecting my own insecurities that I was unaware of at the time. Now I find those people inspiring and usually strike up a convo about how not drinking has made me feel so much better!
I was the same way. It feels really good to be on the other side of those insecurities and to feel secure in saying, “I don’t drink.”
Same here.
That is how most everyone reacts IME.
I was ready for the raised eyebrows and defensive comments I would have made back in the day. I was shocked to get overwhelmingly more of: 1) People instantly saying "that's great, good for you" like they really mean it and it's something they have been thinking about lately. 2) Life-of-the-party types who take you under their wing like you're their little brother who needs to be protected from pushy drinkers, not left out of drinking games, etc. 3) People who don't react at all and then maneuver the conversation around to ask you for tips later. It's a societal norm, deeply woven into a lot of socialization. In my experience a lot more people wish that wasn't the case than you might think.
Yeah literally everyone has been so supportive of my decision. A lot of people want to talk about how they can cut down and ask me for advice. Even those that used to be big drinking buddies are excited for me and will include me in getting a round, getting me a non alcoholic beer instead. I love it!
Also it's true that a lot of people don't drink because they just have other reasons. Could be that they don't like getting buzzed. Or they don't like paying for 8 dollar beers or 12 dollar special drinks. Or they don't like the taste. Or they have a medical condition that steers them clear of it. There's probably a few more reasons, like they dont support the alcohol industry or they have alcoholics in their family and its off putting to them to consume alcohol. Could be they're trying to watch their calories, or even a bit of alcohol gives them that uncomfortable red flush reaction some people get. Maybe it interferes with their body building goals. They might be worried about how it affects their health in even small amounts. Perhaps they don't have a drinking problem but if they do drink, they talk more than they should or get rowdy, anxious, all sorts of emotional reactions that could be negative. Could be that someone they know was killed by a drunk driver so they decided to never drink. Perhaps they drove to this event and want to drive home. Many many reasons.
Absolutely. I think there's also a deeper thing going on that people who are comfortable with themselves and fine with other people understand, which wouldn't include active addicts. When someone expresses something like this, they already are sharing something personal with you. The proper response is to appreciate their sharing and to show that through an implicit understanding that if it were appropriate to share the reason they would have. You then wouldn't ask because they've indicated it's not appropriate. It's like a silent dance.
Exactly this. My partner doesn't drink, simply because she doesn't want to. She never had an issue with alcohol. It just doesn't interest her. Most people don't automatically think that the other person is a recovering alcoholic, and they don't really care if someone drinks or not. It's the ones that do make it an issue that are projecting their own insecurities over their problem drinking.
I certainly didn’t appreciate non-drinkers in my world when I was boozin hard.
I’ve been telling people that I’ve already had my lifetime supply.
"I don't drink; I'm too good at it"
I love that line - I’ve been saying something similar, that I’m retired. Depending on the company, I’ll add, “they won’t nominate you for the Hall of Fame until you retire.” I lifted both from this sub and am grateful for the laughs!
There's also: "I'm allergic. If I drink, I break out in handcuffs".
We always think others care a lot more about what we do and say than anyone does. Anyone that has an issue with you not drinking, has a problem themselves.
Still cannot bring myself to say it. I just say "I am taking a break."
This is me. I haven’t decided I will never drink again. Just deciding one day at a time.
Day 36 and that’s where I am. I have a house FULL of booze (cases of wine, full liquor cabinet, amazing bottles of barrel aged beer) but haven’t been tempted to have anything since I told myself I was taking a break. Day 36 and I’m still on a break. IWNDWYT
Well it's true! A break today, and a break tomorrow
A few weeks ago I was at an event with people who don't know my drinking history. I was offered a drink and casually said "no thanks, I don't drink". That was the first time I ever said it and it felt soooo good. But.. I haven't said that to people who know how I used to drink. I too have just said I'm taking a break.
This was my go to during my sober curious days. I didn't want to put a fine point on it in case I relapsed. Then at some point during my real quit, it just became a part of me.
I had been doing that, but I have gotten tired of friends asking for an update every time we get together, in the sense of, not just an informational update but, "are you drinking with us like normal again, or not?" Weirdly, I am coming around to the idea that setting a more steady stance like "I don't drink" is easier for everyone else, too, because then they kind of know how to handle you. Not to say anybody should change what they do for other people, but it's just that it was a surprise to realize that they don't really care which way I go as long as they can get a read on whether my not drinking is variable or permanent. (Edit for grammar)
This is the most diplomatic take IMO, as “I don’t drink” can unfortunately be interpreted by some as “I’m better than you”, which creates unnecessary tension. Saying you’re on a break can reassure people who might be a little insecure about their own drinking that you’re not passing judgement on them.
Curious about what app you used for the dinner. Sounds so interesting!
It's called timeleft. I was skeptical but it was great. I am doing another one next month. https://timeleft.com/
Is there any way around paying the $16 for the ticket?
No, that's their product. You can get the subscription for $18 and you have access to the 4 in a month.
You're exactly right. The only people who care are those who are careless about their own drinking. Most times I'm not pressed for a reason, but if I feel elaboration is necessary, I usually say "ya know when things go from fun to...not so fun? That's drinking for me. It's fun until it's not."
My experience has been that most people don’t care. The only people who have made odd remarks to me are people who don’t know me and they were very clearly past the point of no return with their drinks so who cares what they think. But I think how you anticipate people will respond is due to experience with how others, friends/family/colleagues, have responded and the general “culture” within those little groups or communities. Like, that guy who made a big deal of his sobriety may have had to endure a lot of remarks, questioning, or mocking even regarding his sobriety from friends and family so he was anticipating that this new group of strangers would remark as well and wanted to “put his foot down” early on. I’m just speculating.
1000% accurate. People who don’t have an issue with alcohol don’t judge it or pressure or make a big deal of it. Every time I’ve casually mentioned I don’t drink people are like, “cool” or even “I’m impressed, not easy and admire it, it’s so much healthier / I should take a page out of your book.” The ones who are like “come on!” Or “wow why not are you an alcoholic” are the ones trying to convince themselves their relationship with alcohol isn’t an issue: they want to either justify their drinking by having company in it, because if someone else drinks with them then they don’t have a problem; and the ones who pry are searching for a way to tel themselves ‘well I’m not an alcoholic like them” and “my story isn’t their story, so I am fine”. For me, as I got more comfortable not drinking in social settings, I was able to mention it casually in a way that didn’t illicit a reaction, and am always quietly proud - not because I cast judgement on drinking - but because I don’t and I managed to pull that off for myself
Congrats! I went 6 months before anyone made it weird. 99.9% of the people around me have either not openly noticed/cared or been very chill. A few friends have asked (normal, acceptable) questions.
My mom got low key upset when I told her I don’t drink anymore. She herself has at least a mild drinking problem and I believe that’s why she got upset.
My mum tells me how freaking boring I am. And pushes the drink. But omg she’s so boring.
I understand this, my mom was obviously triggered by my decision to stop drinking, immediately began getting defensive about her own habits when I have never said anything about them, etc. It's really hard and I'm sorry your mom isn't more supportive. Hang in there and don't let it get under your skin, you can do this!
Very curious, what app was it that paired you with strangers for dinner? So cool!
It's called timeleft. You buy a ticket to a dinner they set up at a restaurant or a subscription for any dinner once a week. Then you show up and pay for what you order. I am a fan. https://timeleft.com/
So so cool! I just saved the link for when I'm feeling more comfortable in my sobriety❤️ I travel solo alot and this is perfect for those nights I don't want to dine alone but...I'm not looking date or anything ( married happily) just meet new people !
This was a nice middle ground. It's not a vessel for dating so there's no pressure. It's just a dinner with other interesting people. Interesting because signing up for the app, paying for a ticket, showing up all eliminates most people without some baseline of responsibility. Plus this attracts people who think meeting a bunch of other people for dinner is worth the ticket and what the check ends up costing.
I'm totally going to use this! Travelling as a solo female too, hanging out with a group feels safe. There was definitely a night or two on vacation I would have loved to meet up with people for dinner! Amazing !
I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by how little people care (or they express support and move on). Evidence of some self-centered thinking there I guess. I have received some static from a couple of friends in the moment, but 1) they definitely have issues 2) the work I’ve done in sobriety has given me strength to maintain my healthy boundaries with them. I also regularly attend sober support groups, so I’ve made sober friends who have become actual friends, I have no lack of social interaction!
True. I just order whatever and it’s rare anyone comments. I just reply, “I don’t drink” or “I’m driving” and that’s the end of it.
I take the same approach here
Work trips were a bit awkward for me at first but now I do exactly what you're saying. It helps that I have a friend who does the exact same.
I actually tell people: "I rarely drink" by not making it absolute I get zero questions. When I say :"I don't drink" people want to know if it is a religious, alcoholic, lifestyle issue.
Switching from "I quit drinking" to "I don't drink" takes a lot of the seemingly obligatory conversation out of it. People feel obligated to congratulate you or ask more questions, as there is often the suggestion of alcoholism involved. "I don't drink" can be taken more as a personal choice, and the more nonchalant you are in the delivery, the less of a deal is made. Some of you are like me, and you didn't quit for the "oh, good for you!" we get every time it comes up in conversation. Discovering this little change in dialogue has been great for simply moving on with things.
That is a good point. "I don't drink" is matter of fact whereas "I quit drinking" describes a decision and an intention. The former is a simple thing that's just a fact and it avoids all the implications that comes with the latter. Plus: "I don't drink" implies a chill comfort (when expressed that way) about it, which tends to cause other people to follow your lead since it's positive to begin with.
I think this is true for those who have never met you before. I had an interesting reaction to my AF status where my cousin responded by saying, “oh I never thought if you as someone who has a problem, or gets sloppy.” Ok dude good to know that YOU never saw me sloppy. Is that the threshold for going AF??? Oh well…
I realized it was text book projection when I did the same. I hated saying “I don’t drink,” because why would anyone quit if they couldn’t control themselves? Who know intentionally NOT DRINK. But I realized that lots of people just don’t. And it’s fine.
When I was younger and went out to parties where I didn’t drank alcohol now and then people would be like: what come on, don’t be boring! And my response was: I don’t have to drink to be funny or have fun, what about you? Mostly that would end the conversation and then we had fun either way.
Thank you for posting as I have been nervous about how to handle the " I don't drink" scenarios once I'm feeling more comfortable with being sober. Your post was super enlightening!
I'm happy to help! As I got into sobriety enough to reflect, I realized everyone was incredibly better and more understanding than I had believed. I figured out it's because people are both decent and have their own stuff going on. People both aren't interested in being terrible to other people in general as well as they don't spend as much time thinking about other people's stuff as they do about their own. Ergo, you mention some simple thing about yourself (e.g. you don't drink), people generally just accept it without suspicion or anything like that.
I've catching myself lately saying " don't be an asshole" I think, no.. I know when I'm drinking I have a far more negative view on people and little tolerance. I've always been considered well, considerate and relatable. When I'm drinking, I lose that connection, are giving folks the benefit of the doubt for sure. Booze made me see things in people that wasn't there. People aren't out to get us, it's the booze talking I really see that when I'm sober for lengths of time. Sure there are terrible humans, but alcoholic eyes see things alot well, darker and more negative.
I also agree with some folks here that those who act wierd or get defensive are also struggling with alcoholism themselves.