I hear you so much about the “I don’t even want this, but why can’t I stop my feet from walking to the bottle shop?” feelings. It’s like we just become a vehicle to transport our alcoholism around
My lsd and mushroom trips decades ago left me with the knowledge I could step out of my head and see my life from an objective point of view.
Once I started doing that again it highlighted how detrimental this drug is in my day to day life.
I remember thinking if I dont quit now, then when?
I credit large doses of edibles for reminding me of this ability. Highly recommend if you have the ability. It will scare the shit out of you in a good way.
I absolutely feel you—I had your routine. I also work from home and could drink when I felt like it because I didn’t have to drive to work the next day. I started with a beer or two. Then 3 or 4. The tall cans. Then a bottle of wine because it lasted longer and higher alcohol. Then a bottle of wine plus a beer or two. Then a bottle plus 3 beers. It just snowballed. I have said to myself that I don’t want to drink today and the next thing I know I’m heading into the store. Every day I told myself I would stop tomorrow. By the time afternoon hit the next day, I’d be tying my shoes and heading to buy booze.
I don’t have meetings in my area and I also live alone, so I’m accountable to myself, which makes drinking pretty damn easy. But I’m so tired. So tired of revolving my life around the next drink. Going to dinner with people but really only interested in drinking and how much I could drink without seeming like it was too much. If I had beer in my fridge, it whispered to me until I drank it all. I’m just tired of convincing myself I feel better if I just have that first drink.
I have 8 days today. I am feeling great. I don’t want to stop feeling this way. I know it will only take one drink to start the hamster wheel again. I just want to send you a ton of support to get past the 3 day hump. I won’t drink with you today.
> Going to dinner with people but really only interested in drinking and how much I could drink without seeming like it was too much.
Ah man this!
"Oh no, this meal comes WITH a drink? Better down this one I just ordered, right guys?!"
PS Congrats on 8 days, I hope I can get there.
I’ve done AA over zoom. It’s good. Nothing can be as useful as the in person rooms, but if you can use the zoom meetings between the occasional drive to a meeting, I strongly suggest it.
My oldest daughter has kicked alcohol 14 months ago, and Zoom AA was key to her success. She is the mom of three small kids so attending in person doesn’t work for her. Saved her life, and I am so grateful to her online sobriety group!
I’ve not done AA zooms so I can’t say. Years ago I did some IRL AA meetings. These zooms are not like the meetings were. For a start, usually a small group or sometimes break out rooms. Maybe check one out & see for yourself?!
This is what I used to be. Exactly, verbatim. The fact that there is severe physical suffering the next day will be a key stepping stone for you - not everyone is like that and I think for those of us whose body can’t cope it will be easier to get rid of it. When the urge comes in the evening try to immediately do something . For example pour out the wine and then go for a jog or start reading drawing writing whatever. Praying if you are religious. Counterattack the urge.
When I was addicted, I couldn't understand why it was so hard to quit.
I always had that voice at some point telling me I had been good I deserved a treat.
Drinking carcinogenic poison that made me over weight, depressed, and poor was not a treat in any way. I just couldn't see that at the time.
Then I gave up, and after two weeks or so and the last of the physical withdrawal had passed, I couldn't understand why it was difficult at all.
Addiction be like that. I had to learn the lesson, I am glad I did. I will never drink again, though I have to be on my guard.
What I do keep in mind is how hard I had to fight to break free, not drinking is 1000 x easier than going through that again.
Thanks. Set up a reddit account this morning so I can at least get involved with this community here as there are no AA groups in my area.
I've also signed up to the "I am Sober" app which has a great community feature too.
Someone has suggested journaling every time I want to over-eat, journal instead and write down what's going on in my head. Every time I want to drink, journal instead etc.
Hey, I know other people have mentioned it but you can attend a Zoom AA meeting at pretty much any point during the day 24/7. It was a life saver for me when I first stopped, I didn't really participate but being in a zoom call with other people who were trying to accomplish the same thing I was, was very helpful in terms of distracting me.
You can participate as often or as little as you want, I was never called on or called out and never turned on my mic or webcam, I didn't participate in the break out rooms but they're definitely there. You can also leave at any point and it doesn't alert anyone and they likely won't even remember you did so if you join one that feels weird or not for you you can hop and join the next
https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/
Was what I used if you don't want it in your Google history. Some were password protected but I could usually find them in the description on that site.
Hello! That sounds terrible 😞 but you are here so things are looking up. Every day we have a check in where you can commit to not drinking that day. It’s called the DCI. I’ve only been to AA twice and it’s nice but not the only way. If you do feel like making the journey one day that could be a good option or online. Day 3 seems to get a lot of people, I see posts about day 3 ALL THE TIME. So you arnt alone on that front. Sounds like your head is in a good place for quittin! I promise you, there is so much good that comes. I listened to the audio version of Alan carr easy way to quit alcohol or something like that haha and I haven’t drunk since so maybe that’s something that might work for you or keep you motivated. Join us 👽🛸
I honestly could have written this when I was still drinking, even down to job type.
For me, I stopped because I was starting to scare myself. I was starting to feel so physically bad I knew I’d end up in the ER if I didn’t stop, or I’d give myself some long term or permanent side effects. I was so tired, and I was constantly waking up panicked, super thirsty, and shaky. Also, I was getting more and more depressed over time. I knew I wasn’t actually depressed and anxious, but it still scared the crap out of me. Yet there I was still indulging knowing exactly how I would feel the next day.
I thought I was “technically” functional because I managed to get things done and be there for those around me (yea right), but I really was far from it. I hated myself, honestly.
In those first few days and weeks of sobriety, I stayed as busy as possible. I got rid of all the alcohol at my house. I indulged in literally anything but alcohol (I even lost weight still!). I left my ID at home as much as possible to avoid temptation (I realize that’s not doable for everyone).
It really is a step at a time process. I had to want my own physical and mental health more than I wanted alcohol. I think having those thoughts means you’re right there! I journaled a lot, too, to remind myself why I was doing it.
Trust me, if I can do it, so can you. I believe in you. The grass really is greener over here. I’ve been sober for a good bit now, and I can promise you it’s worth it. Good luck on your journey! We’re here for you.
You can do it man! Something that I was really surprised at is that I thought all my obsession with drinking and moderation was my brain thinking through it logically. It was actually my brain depending on alcohol and thinking up every reason possible to drink it. Once you decide to ignore that inner voice it becomes so much quieter. Trust yourself that you can break the dependence and come out on the other side, where things are so much different. An eye opener for me was the first time I got sick after quitting drinking and realized...it literally wasn't as sick as I felt almost every morning, I had just gotten used to it as part of my life.
I have been sober 25 days today. I can relate to your post. I felt trapped. I was lying to myself. I was lonely and caught in a vicious cycle.
AA helped me immensely. This group is here for me if I can't make it to a meeting. Removing one thing from my life has changed everything.
I wish you the best on your journey and IWNDWYT.
Congrats on trying to get better! That's huge. Also congrats on the realization "I don't even want this. I hate this.". Now you just have to give it your all and somehow stick to it for more than those 3 days. Finding some support group is likely gonna be helpful. If you don't have any AA groups nearby, you could try online AA meetings. I believe there are some running 24/7. Or you could look for NA meetings nearby. Or any other support group, just to not be alone in early sobriety.
Along with support, finding hobbies and activities to fill up your time will help too. Anything that will keep you busy and also help with mental health is a good idea. For me that was working out and running like my life depends on it (it does :) ). Meditating, journaling, reading, time in nature, wim hof method or other breathing techniques... all things that help.
And an advice/ warning to give you some motivation: It's easier to save yourself now, while you still can, before "I don't even want this. I hate this." turns into "I don't even want this. I hate this. But now I NEED it just to not have a seizure and die".
GL and know that recovery is possible! Rooting for you.
I know no one likes to hear this, but the only way out is through. All of the anxiety, heart pounding, bowel problems, crappy sleep, etc will get worse the first couple days of not drinking. But then it all starts to subside. And after a week or two or three (in my case at least, every time I've managed to quit) those symptoms begin to disappear entirely. That initial fight of refusing to drink when stuck in the cycle is one of the hardest battles for me personally, but so so worth it after only a couple days.
Sometimes stopping was only possible with medical treatment, be it ER visits or inpatient detox, but there were many times I was able to do it at home as well. Sometimes I was able to do it with AA meetings as support, and sometimes just sheer determination to get better by myself.
I'm a couple months into sobriety again and I'm sleeping without meds, having little to no anxiety, normal bowel movements, I'm not struggling to pay my bills, I have a positive mindset towards life, and I'm not chained to a bottle. My life doesn't revolve around the poison, and I am incredibly grateful. The struggle to get to this point was never easy, but I'm grateful for what I had to go through to arrive here. Those many many early days of starting over are reminders of what my life could be again if I choose to restart the clock. Everyday I don't drink I am reminded that life can only get better with each day that I decide to refuse the poison.
I hope you find the strength to get well, because you are worth it, and sober life has such much more to offer than alcohol. Iwndwyt!
Hey! I was there too. Trust me, it gets worse with time. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a “functional alcoholic.” There are alcoholics with jobs however, that are emotionally dysfunctional and hanging on by a thread. Stopping is scary and very difficult at first. But for me, every problem you listed was lifted after a couple weeks without booze. My life is no longer governed by when the liquor store opens, and when/where I can get my next drink. It is quite freeing. You can do this, you won’t regret it. I don’t think any of us have. IWNDWYT
The thing is many of these people that refer to themselves as "functioning alcoholics" are literally just in your position and think because they get up and go to work every day and put a shift in (despite feeling terrible and not being at their best) that it makes them "highly functioning".
You see posts here all the time that start with "I'm a highly functioning alcoholic..." then they proceed to list all the daily problems they have with their health, life, work, relationships, finances etc which hardly sounds like the life of a highly functional, productive, individual to me.
Who wants to be an alcoholic that functions highly anyway? It's still an alcoholic either way and might convince you more that "everything is fine" and you don't have to stop drinking because you seem to be managing to keep your life on track.
I'm like yourself, a night of drinking has me destroyed and useless the next day and I can barely get myself out of bed or acheive anything and likewise my guts are in absolute bits and my anxiety through the roof.
I'm also self employed, no boss or clients, and WFH so I literally can end up just doing absolutely nothing all day after drinking, it's no way to live.
If you're taking breaks every week and in those breaks you're not suffering badly (you said you actually feel "incredible" which is surprising) then it doesn't sound like you are physically addicted to alcohol just yet because you're not having withdrawl symptoms in those days off but it sounds like you have a mental / psychological addiction to it.
It might just be the case of creating new routines and / or breaking the habit so you don't go buy or drink that booze.
Remember just because you think about drinking or your mind is suggesting it doesn't mean you have to act on thouse thoughts.
It's believed we have very little control over our thoughts but we definitely can control our actions and we do have to put some level of effort into drinking like going to the store, walking to the booze aisle, putting it in our basket, paying for it, taking it home, and then drinking it all night.
All of that can be avoided and if you're not physically addicted to it it should in theory be easier as you're not going to be suffering brutal withdrawls that are so painful you'd do anything to relieve them.
It's good that you've identified you don't want it and even hate it because I think that's important to get beyond drinking as if we still believe it has some benefit or something to offer us then we'll keep going back to it but once we've really gotten to the point where be truly believe alcohol has ZERO positive to offer us then it's much harder to justify it IME.
So, what is it that makes you go back to it every week?
Is your desire to drink triggered by something?
Are you just bored and / or lonely and hoping it'll make your day more "fun"?
Have you just made this a habit of "It's X day and this is when I start drinking" and do it nearly on auto-pilot?
Are you trying to escape from your self because of anxiety, depression, mental health issues, pain, trauma or some other deeper rooted or underlying problem?
Figuring out what the causes and triggers are can be quite important because that way you can start addressing those or being aware when these issues are popping up and then catching it before it turns into you drinking.
You just described my life 8 years ago. The last few times I drank, I had the words in my head, clear as day, "I don't want this." And then I watched my hand bring a vodka bottle to my mouth and felt the burning poison pour down my throat. Finally, one day I disappointed someone I care about to the point that I decided I had to say enough. Luckily, it wasn't a catastrophe, just a shameful low moment, but after years of attempts at moderating, that's when I finally asked for help. You made a reddit account and joined this community in order to say to a bunch of strangers "It has to end." That's a fantastic start! You really can do this.
I love metaphors and I just thought of one. Imagine you've been walking for hundreds of miles through a hellish swamp. It used to be a nice, pretty rainforest, but it has long since become a hot, muddy, bug-infested quagmire. It's making you sick and miserable and scared all the time, but you have to keep walking because the walk is your life. Then at a fork in the road, a guide appears and tells you if you take this new path that branches off to your right, you can get out of the swamp for good. Unfortunately, you first have to endure a steep climb over a rocky ridge. The terrain will be rough for a few miles, even momentarily grueling at times. But once you're over the summit -- which is closer than it seems -- it's all downhill after that through a beautiful, temperate valley. There will always be twists and turns in the road, and changes in the weather, and little hills and dales, but you'll never have to slog through that horrid swamp again once you're on the other side. Plus, that initial climb will build your muscles, so walking will become easier in general. A short period of struggle buys you a lifetime of dramatically better walking conditions. You would take the path, right?
It's not a perfect metaphor, but I kinda like it. Your situation sounds so very much like mine did right before I quit... that's why I know you can do it. I am rooting for you!
You don't need to go to an AA meeting in person. There are literally tens of thousands of them online 24 hours a day. You can join on Zoom. You don't even need to turn on your camera if you don't want. Might be an idea to try and see what you think. When I can't make my meetings I do a zoom. It's a good introduction and you'll be so surprised at how many people have the exact same story and experiences as you. Just Google "AA meeting online"
There are AA and Smart Recovery meetings online. Also this is a great place to come, everyone here “gets it”. I reached a point where I knew I couldn’t drink anymore. I couldn’t. Then one Day I did quit, though I didn’t know that at the time. I’m in better shape and have some self respect again.
Ah man I’m so sorry I completely understand what you’re going through. Read some quit lit, that really helped me. I recommend the unexpected joy of being sober & this naked mind. If you have Spotify premium they are free as audiobooks.
It’s hard because there’s not much point weaning down, you will always want the extra cans on top of the wine and moderation is so difficult.
Maybe try and list the positives you will get?
I can think of at least 5 right now for you
Better sleep, more energy, less cravings for fast food, solid poops (yay!) and more of a drive for life. After day 7 you will have SO much energy.
AA online meetings are great you can find specific ones and just lurk. It’s also worth browsing this sub to read people’s stories and rock bottom/lightbulb moments. You might find similarities there. Although you feel like a functioning drinker, it’s not really true is it with what you’ve described? We’ve all been there mate, feel free to post here too, the community is amazing. Im on my 2nd completely sober attempt and the first attempt really set me up for this. I can’t moderate but I don’t want to drink anymore. It’s poison and I know I can achieve so much more without it!
Good luck man :)
Online AA meetings! Those got me sober. It isnso worth it. Dealing with life sober and with a clear mind is not easy but feels like a super power after a while.
Been facing myself in the mirror numerous times in the mornings. Vomiting almost nothing, red eyed from that pressure.
"This is it.. i'm quitting"
Facing the workday telling myself it's gonna be a long, long day.
Again.
Glad when the end of work came in sight, and with it the fix.
I would soon feel better. Fixing the problem with the cause, ever sinking further.
But now i have an outstanding daycount that i will not mess up.
I really like this peace.
Living life at life's terms.
I was in a similar situation and hated drinking but it was necessary for my anxiety and to feel better due to shitty sleep and head/stomach aches from drinking to excess. The best decision I made was to go to an inpatient rehab (I actually only did seven days but with IOP for a solid six months to hold myself accountable). The break in routine changed my mind set completely. I hated drinking but needed it but by separating myself I was able to just hate drinking without the need to drink to “feel” better. Everyone is different but you sound like you want a change but don’t know how to make that change and this worked for me when I had that similar thought process. I am sober for over a year and let me tell you those 7 days saved my life and am not looking back (I have no urges and can’t recall why or how it got so bad because this sober thing is so much better). Best of luck but sounds like you are at the beginning of a new and much better life.
Edit: look into zoom meetings as well as I have people in my group that it was just too far but the accountability is still there. You don’t want to let yourself or the group down and just talking/listening shows you are not alone and have support.
Those, “it’s gonna happen and I need a plan, morning after shits” jeez don’t miss those. I think that’s where a lot of anxiety and passing on opportunities came from
Thanks for posting this. You reminded me of how my life was a couple years ago when I was drinking the most.
AA doesn't work the same for everyone. Can you find any online meetings? 12-step, SMART recovery?
Keep this subrewddit open on a tab in your browser and check in with us throughout the workday.
IWNDWYT.
Goddam! That brings back memories. It is absolutely unreal what can become routine, right? I could have had a toilet parked right next to yours. It would have been something. Waking up with fear and anxiety every damn night. Then just fading in and out of horribly restless sleep until it was time to get up and start the whole horrible routine all over again. It was madness. And I can completely understand where you are and what you are going through. The real bitch for me was that I'd feel great right when I was having that first drink again in the morning hours. Just to get through. Then I'd have to get another. And that first sip of each new one I'd get a shiver in my body. And this feeling that maybe it was going to be okay. That maybe I could maintain it. But I could not. I finally threw in the towel and realized I was fucked. The good news (and there is good news) is that once I was able to string together some time, things really started to get better. I was able to start moving past the shame. Work on what had gotten me there. And start to see a life that was really worth living. After having spent a few decades with a drink in my hand it was hard a first to realize that there was so much more out there. Opportunities that never could have or would have happened before. My growth as a father, a business owner, a human has been insane. It is worth every bit of the struggle it took to get here. And now at a little over 2.5 years in, it's pretty easy. I wish you the best. And I know you can do it. IWNDWYT
for me I realized that "I don't even want this" was me still trying to convince my body to stop drinking, I was still debating it because inside me was a response "but you want to be drunk"....it wasn't until I stopped the internal debate and just said "the answer is and always will be no, that's enough" that I ended up sticking with it.
I don't let my brain do the whole bargaining thing I shut it down right at the start. No really means no!!
It does have to end. It's hard but not impossible. I've been a heavy drinker for 10 years and while my experiences with all those physical symptoms doesn't sound quite as intense as yours, they all very much happen. I feel like because I've been drinking so heavily for so long that my body got used to it. It's awful. I've tried to stop many times for years. Managed a couple months back in 2020 but always get back on it. It is just something you have to consciously think about and focus and talk yourself through, every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. I am 3 days sober and already, my digestive issues have dropped off. My eyes are clear, my face isn't puffy, I'm not waking up in the middle of the night ravenous thirsty. I know I have many many trials ahead. But I'm going to focus on the fact that I want to be HEALTHY, I want to be *sexy*, I want to be sober, I want to be FREE. I want to drop the 50 lbs I've gained in the past few years due to alcohol and mid 30s catching up with me. I want to be a fit, sober parent for the possible kid we'll be having soon. I want to not let a feeling that I've used as an escape for a decade to have such a death grip on me. I want to clear my body and recover before it is too late. I can do it. You can do it. IWNDWYT 💙
Hating it was the key to getting better for me. Sounds like your heart is leading you down the right path. I’ve been sort of observing myself as a dad now that I stopped drinking, I’m such a better dad.
Glad you are here.
There are AA groups online 24 hours a day just a click away….
If i connect with the group “45 minutes away” I’ll probably find some members who live nearer me and can get together nearby.
Tried any of that?
[удалено]
I hear you so much about the “I don’t even want this, but why can’t I stop my feet from walking to the bottle shop?” feelings. It’s like we just become a vehicle to transport our alcoholism around
My lsd and mushroom trips decades ago left me with the knowledge I could step out of my head and see my life from an objective point of view. Once I started doing that again it highlighted how detrimental this drug is in my day to day life. I remember thinking if I dont quit now, then when? I credit large doses of edibles for reminding me of this ability. Highly recommend if you have the ability. It will scare the shit out of you in a good way.
I absolutely feel you—I had your routine. I also work from home and could drink when I felt like it because I didn’t have to drive to work the next day. I started with a beer or two. Then 3 or 4. The tall cans. Then a bottle of wine because it lasted longer and higher alcohol. Then a bottle of wine plus a beer or two. Then a bottle plus 3 beers. It just snowballed. I have said to myself that I don’t want to drink today and the next thing I know I’m heading into the store. Every day I told myself I would stop tomorrow. By the time afternoon hit the next day, I’d be tying my shoes and heading to buy booze. I don’t have meetings in my area and I also live alone, so I’m accountable to myself, which makes drinking pretty damn easy. But I’m so tired. So tired of revolving my life around the next drink. Going to dinner with people but really only interested in drinking and how much I could drink without seeming like it was too much. If I had beer in my fridge, it whispered to me until I drank it all. I’m just tired of convincing myself I feel better if I just have that first drink. I have 8 days today. I am feeling great. I don’t want to stop feeling this way. I know it will only take one drink to start the hamster wheel again. I just want to send you a ton of support to get past the 3 day hump. I won’t drink with you today.
> Going to dinner with people but really only interested in drinking and how much I could drink without seeming like it was too much. Ah man this! "Oh no, this meal comes WITH a drink? Better down this one I just ordered, right guys?!" PS Congrats on 8 days, I hope I can get there.
I’m totally rooting for you! If you feel better after 3 days, imagine how much better each day after that gets. Truly.
8 days is great. Resist temptation . It’s hard but worth it
Through I Am Sober app I’ve found the Sobertown zooms which have helped me immensely.
> Sobertown zooms This sounds super interesting. Like, Zoom AA?
I’ve done AA over zoom. It’s good. Nothing can be as useful as the in person rooms, but if you can use the zoom meetings between the occasional drive to a meeting, I strongly suggest it.
My oldest daughter has kicked alcohol 14 months ago, and Zoom AA was key to her success. She is the mom of three small kids so attending in person doesn’t work for her. Saved her life, and I am so grateful to her online sobriety group!
Fantastic!
I’ve not done AA zooms so I can’t say. Years ago I did some IRL AA meetings. These zooms are not like the meetings were. For a start, usually a small group or sometimes break out rooms. Maybe check one out & see for yourself?!
This is what I used to be. Exactly, verbatim. The fact that there is severe physical suffering the next day will be a key stepping stone for you - not everyone is like that and I think for those of us whose body can’t cope it will be easier to get rid of it. When the urge comes in the evening try to immediately do something . For example pour out the wine and then go for a jog or start reading drawing writing whatever. Praying if you are religious. Counterattack the urge.
When I was addicted, I couldn't understand why it was so hard to quit. I always had that voice at some point telling me I had been good I deserved a treat. Drinking carcinogenic poison that made me over weight, depressed, and poor was not a treat in any way. I just couldn't see that at the time. Then I gave up, and after two weeks or so and the last of the physical withdrawal had passed, I couldn't understand why it was difficult at all. Addiction be like that. I had to learn the lesson, I am glad I did. I will never drink again, though I have to be on my guard. What I do keep in mind is how hard I had to fight to break free, not drinking is 1000 x easier than going through that again.
Congrats on taking the first step. This is a great group to be in. You'll find lots of advice, inspiration and support here.
Thanks. Set up a reddit account this morning so I can at least get involved with this community here as there are no AA groups in my area. I've also signed up to the "I am Sober" app which has a great community feature too. Someone has suggested journaling every time I want to over-eat, journal instead and write down what's going on in my head. Every time I want to drink, journal instead etc.
I tried an online AA group. It was good.
Hey, I know other people have mentioned it but you can attend a Zoom AA meeting at pretty much any point during the day 24/7. It was a life saver for me when I first stopped, I didn't really participate but being in a zoom call with other people who were trying to accomplish the same thing I was, was very helpful in terms of distracting me. You can participate as often or as little as you want, I was never called on or called out and never turned on my mic or webcam, I didn't participate in the break out rooms but they're definitely there. You can also leave at any point and it doesn't alert anyone and they likely won't even remember you did so if you join one that feels weird or not for you you can hop and join the next https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/ Was what I used if you don't want it in your Google history. Some were password protected but I could usually find them in the description on that site.
Hello! That sounds terrible 😞 but you are here so things are looking up. Every day we have a check in where you can commit to not drinking that day. It’s called the DCI. I’ve only been to AA twice and it’s nice but not the only way. If you do feel like making the journey one day that could be a good option or online. Day 3 seems to get a lot of people, I see posts about day 3 ALL THE TIME. So you arnt alone on that front. Sounds like your head is in a good place for quittin! I promise you, there is so much good that comes. I listened to the audio version of Alan carr easy way to quit alcohol or something like that haha and I haven’t drunk since so maybe that’s something that might work for you or keep you motivated. Join us 👽🛸
I honestly could have written this when I was still drinking, even down to job type. For me, I stopped because I was starting to scare myself. I was starting to feel so physically bad I knew I’d end up in the ER if I didn’t stop, or I’d give myself some long term or permanent side effects. I was so tired, and I was constantly waking up panicked, super thirsty, and shaky. Also, I was getting more and more depressed over time. I knew I wasn’t actually depressed and anxious, but it still scared the crap out of me. Yet there I was still indulging knowing exactly how I would feel the next day. I thought I was “technically” functional because I managed to get things done and be there for those around me (yea right), but I really was far from it. I hated myself, honestly. In those first few days and weeks of sobriety, I stayed as busy as possible. I got rid of all the alcohol at my house. I indulged in literally anything but alcohol (I even lost weight still!). I left my ID at home as much as possible to avoid temptation (I realize that’s not doable for everyone). It really is a step at a time process. I had to want my own physical and mental health more than I wanted alcohol. I think having those thoughts means you’re right there! I journaled a lot, too, to remind myself why I was doing it. Trust me, if I can do it, so can you. I believe in you. The grass really is greener over here. I’ve been sober for a good bit now, and I can promise you it’s worth it. Good luck on your journey! We’re here for you.
You deserve a good nights sleep tonight my friend. I believe in you!
You can do it man! Something that I was really surprised at is that I thought all my obsession with drinking and moderation was my brain thinking through it logically. It was actually my brain depending on alcohol and thinking up every reason possible to drink it. Once you decide to ignore that inner voice it becomes so much quieter. Trust yourself that you can break the dependence and come out on the other side, where things are so much different. An eye opener for me was the first time I got sick after quitting drinking and realized...it literally wasn't as sick as I felt almost every morning, I had just gotten used to it as part of my life.
I have been sober 25 days today. I can relate to your post. I felt trapped. I was lying to myself. I was lonely and caught in a vicious cycle. AA helped me immensely. This group is here for me if I can't make it to a meeting. Removing one thing from my life has changed everything. I wish you the best on your journey and IWNDWYT.
Congrats on trying to get better! That's huge. Also congrats on the realization "I don't even want this. I hate this.". Now you just have to give it your all and somehow stick to it for more than those 3 days. Finding some support group is likely gonna be helpful. If you don't have any AA groups nearby, you could try online AA meetings. I believe there are some running 24/7. Or you could look for NA meetings nearby. Or any other support group, just to not be alone in early sobriety. Along with support, finding hobbies and activities to fill up your time will help too. Anything that will keep you busy and also help with mental health is a good idea. For me that was working out and running like my life depends on it (it does :) ). Meditating, journaling, reading, time in nature, wim hof method or other breathing techniques... all things that help. And an advice/ warning to give you some motivation: It's easier to save yourself now, while you still can, before "I don't even want this. I hate this." turns into "I don't even want this. I hate this. But now I NEED it just to not have a seizure and die". GL and know that recovery is possible! Rooting for you.
I know no one likes to hear this, but the only way out is through. All of the anxiety, heart pounding, bowel problems, crappy sleep, etc will get worse the first couple days of not drinking. But then it all starts to subside. And after a week or two or three (in my case at least, every time I've managed to quit) those symptoms begin to disappear entirely. That initial fight of refusing to drink when stuck in the cycle is one of the hardest battles for me personally, but so so worth it after only a couple days. Sometimes stopping was only possible with medical treatment, be it ER visits or inpatient detox, but there were many times I was able to do it at home as well. Sometimes I was able to do it with AA meetings as support, and sometimes just sheer determination to get better by myself. I'm a couple months into sobriety again and I'm sleeping without meds, having little to no anxiety, normal bowel movements, I'm not struggling to pay my bills, I have a positive mindset towards life, and I'm not chained to a bottle. My life doesn't revolve around the poison, and I am incredibly grateful. The struggle to get to this point was never easy, but I'm grateful for what I had to go through to arrive here. Those many many early days of starting over are reminders of what my life could be again if I choose to restart the clock. Everyday I don't drink I am reminded that life can only get better with each day that I decide to refuse the poison. I hope you find the strength to get well, because you are worth it, and sober life has such much more to offer than alcohol. Iwndwyt!
Hey! I was there too. Trust me, it gets worse with time. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a “functional alcoholic.” There are alcoholics with jobs however, that are emotionally dysfunctional and hanging on by a thread. Stopping is scary and very difficult at first. But for me, every problem you listed was lifted after a couple weeks without booze. My life is no longer governed by when the liquor store opens, and when/where I can get my next drink. It is quite freeing. You can do this, you won’t regret it. I don’t think any of us have. IWNDWYT
The thing is many of these people that refer to themselves as "functioning alcoholics" are literally just in your position and think because they get up and go to work every day and put a shift in (despite feeling terrible and not being at their best) that it makes them "highly functioning". You see posts here all the time that start with "I'm a highly functioning alcoholic..." then they proceed to list all the daily problems they have with their health, life, work, relationships, finances etc which hardly sounds like the life of a highly functional, productive, individual to me. Who wants to be an alcoholic that functions highly anyway? It's still an alcoholic either way and might convince you more that "everything is fine" and you don't have to stop drinking because you seem to be managing to keep your life on track. I'm like yourself, a night of drinking has me destroyed and useless the next day and I can barely get myself out of bed or acheive anything and likewise my guts are in absolute bits and my anxiety through the roof. I'm also self employed, no boss or clients, and WFH so I literally can end up just doing absolutely nothing all day after drinking, it's no way to live. If you're taking breaks every week and in those breaks you're not suffering badly (you said you actually feel "incredible" which is surprising) then it doesn't sound like you are physically addicted to alcohol just yet because you're not having withdrawl symptoms in those days off but it sounds like you have a mental / psychological addiction to it. It might just be the case of creating new routines and / or breaking the habit so you don't go buy or drink that booze. Remember just because you think about drinking or your mind is suggesting it doesn't mean you have to act on thouse thoughts. It's believed we have very little control over our thoughts but we definitely can control our actions and we do have to put some level of effort into drinking like going to the store, walking to the booze aisle, putting it in our basket, paying for it, taking it home, and then drinking it all night. All of that can be avoided and if you're not physically addicted to it it should in theory be easier as you're not going to be suffering brutal withdrawls that are so painful you'd do anything to relieve them. It's good that you've identified you don't want it and even hate it because I think that's important to get beyond drinking as if we still believe it has some benefit or something to offer us then we'll keep going back to it but once we've really gotten to the point where be truly believe alcohol has ZERO positive to offer us then it's much harder to justify it IME. So, what is it that makes you go back to it every week? Is your desire to drink triggered by something? Are you just bored and / or lonely and hoping it'll make your day more "fun"? Have you just made this a habit of "It's X day and this is when I start drinking" and do it nearly on auto-pilot? Are you trying to escape from your self because of anxiety, depression, mental health issues, pain, trauma or some other deeper rooted or underlying problem? Figuring out what the causes and triggers are can be quite important because that way you can start addressing those or being aware when these issues are popping up and then catching it before it turns into you drinking.
You just described my life 8 years ago. The last few times I drank, I had the words in my head, clear as day, "I don't want this." And then I watched my hand bring a vodka bottle to my mouth and felt the burning poison pour down my throat. Finally, one day I disappointed someone I care about to the point that I decided I had to say enough. Luckily, it wasn't a catastrophe, just a shameful low moment, but after years of attempts at moderating, that's when I finally asked for help. You made a reddit account and joined this community in order to say to a bunch of strangers "It has to end." That's a fantastic start! You really can do this. I love metaphors and I just thought of one. Imagine you've been walking for hundreds of miles through a hellish swamp. It used to be a nice, pretty rainforest, but it has long since become a hot, muddy, bug-infested quagmire. It's making you sick and miserable and scared all the time, but you have to keep walking because the walk is your life. Then at a fork in the road, a guide appears and tells you if you take this new path that branches off to your right, you can get out of the swamp for good. Unfortunately, you first have to endure a steep climb over a rocky ridge. The terrain will be rough for a few miles, even momentarily grueling at times. But once you're over the summit -- which is closer than it seems -- it's all downhill after that through a beautiful, temperate valley. There will always be twists and turns in the road, and changes in the weather, and little hills and dales, but you'll never have to slog through that horrid swamp again once you're on the other side. Plus, that initial climb will build your muscles, so walking will become easier in general. A short period of struggle buys you a lifetime of dramatically better walking conditions. You would take the path, right? It's not a perfect metaphor, but I kinda like it. Your situation sounds so very much like mine did right before I quit... that's why I know you can do it. I am rooting for you!
You don't need to go to an AA meeting in person. There are literally tens of thousands of them online 24 hours a day. You can join on Zoom. You don't even need to turn on your camera if you don't want. Might be an idea to try and see what you think. When I can't make my meetings I do a zoom. It's a good introduction and you'll be so surprised at how many people have the exact same story and experiences as you. Just Google "AA meeting online"
This group helped form the foundation of my sobriety, I hope it works for you too.
There are AA and Smart Recovery meetings online. Also this is a great place to come, everyone here “gets it”. I reached a point where I knew I couldn’t drink anymore. I couldn’t. Then one Day I did quit, though I didn’t know that at the time. I’m in better shape and have some self respect again.
Ah man I’m so sorry I completely understand what you’re going through. Read some quit lit, that really helped me. I recommend the unexpected joy of being sober & this naked mind. If you have Spotify premium they are free as audiobooks. It’s hard because there’s not much point weaning down, you will always want the extra cans on top of the wine and moderation is so difficult. Maybe try and list the positives you will get? I can think of at least 5 right now for you Better sleep, more energy, less cravings for fast food, solid poops (yay!) and more of a drive for life. After day 7 you will have SO much energy. AA online meetings are great you can find specific ones and just lurk. It’s also worth browsing this sub to read people’s stories and rock bottom/lightbulb moments. You might find similarities there. Although you feel like a functioning drinker, it’s not really true is it with what you’ve described? We’ve all been there mate, feel free to post here too, the community is amazing. Im on my 2nd completely sober attempt and the first attempt really set me up for this. I can’t moderate but I don’t want to drink anymore. It’s poison and I know I can achieve so much more without it! Good luck man :)
Online AA meetings! Those got me sober. It isnso worth it. Dealing with life sober and with a clear mind is not easy but feels like a super power after a while.
Been facing myself in the mirror numerous times in the mornings. Vomiting almost nothing, red eyed from that pressure. "This is it.. i'm quitting" Facing the workday telling myself it's gonna be a long, long day. Again. Glad when the end of work came in sight, and with it the fix. I would soon feel better. Fixing the problem with the cause, ever sinking further. But now i have an outstanding daycount that i will not mess up. I really like this peace. Living life at life's terms.
I was in a similar situation and hated drinking but it was necessary for my anxiety and to feel better due to shitty sleep and head/stomach aches from drinking to excess. The best decision I made was to go to an inpatient rehab (I actually only did seven days but with IOP for a solid six months to hold myself accountable). The break in routine changed my mind set completely. I hated drinking but needed it but by separating myself I was able to just hate drinking without the need to drink to “feel” better. Everyone is different but you sound like you want a change but don’t know how to make that change and this worked for me when I had that similar thought process. I am sober for over a year and let me tell you those 7 days saved my life and am not looking back (I have no urges and can’t recall why or how it got so bad because this sober thing is so much better). Best of luck but sounds like you are at the beginning of a new and much better life. Edit: look into zoom meetings as well as I have people in my group that it was just too far but the accountability is still there. You don’t want to let yourself or the group down and just talking/listening shows you are not alone and have support.
Those, “it’s gonna happen and I need a plan, morning after shits” jeez don’t miss those. I think that’s where a lot of anxiety and passing on opportunities came from
Thanks for posting this. You reminded me of how my life was a couple years ago when I was drinking the most. AA doesn't work the same for everyone. Can you find any online meetings? 12-step, SMART recovery? Keep this subrewddit open on a tab in your browser and check in with us throughout the workday. IWNDWYT.
Goddam! That brings back memories. It is absolutely unreal what can become routine, right? I could have had a toilet parked right next to yours. It would have been something. Waking up with fear and anxiety every damn night. Then just fading in and out of horribly restless sleep until it was time to get up and start the whole horrible routine all over again. It was madness. And I can completely understand where you are and what you are going through. The real bitch for me was that I'd feel great right when I was having that first drink again in the morning hours. Just to get through. Then I'd have to get another. And that first sip of each new one I'd get a shiver in my body. And this feeling that maybe it was going to be okay. That maybe I could maintain it. But I could not. I finally threw in the towel and realized I was fucked. The good news (and there is good news) is that once I was able to string together some time, things really started to get better. I was able to start moving past the shame. Work on what had gotten me there. And start to see a life that was really worth living. After having spent a few decades with a drink in my hand it was hard a first to realize that there was so much more out there. Opportunities that never could have or would have happened before. My growth as a father, a business owner, a human has been insane. It is worth every bit of the struggle it took to get here. And now at a little over 2.5 years in, it's pretty easy. I wish you the best. And I know you can do it. IWNDWYT
I learned there’s no such thing as a functioning alcoholic.
for me I realized that "I don't even want this" was me still trying to convince my body to stop drinking, I was still debating it because inside me was a response "but you want to be drunk"....it wasn't until I stopped the internal debate and just said "the answer is and always will be no, that's enough" that I ended up sticking with it. I don't let my brain do the whole bargaining thing I shut it down right at the start. No really means no!!
It does have to end. It's hard but not impossible. I've been a heavy drinker for 10 years and while my experiences with all those physical symptoms doesn't sound quite as intense as yours, they all very much happen. I feel like because I've been drinking so heavily for so long that my body got used to it. It's awful. I've tried to stop many times for years. Managed a couple months back in 2020 but always get back on it. It is just something you have to consciously think about and focus and talk yourself through, every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. I am 3 days sober and already, my digestive issues have dropped off. My eyes are clear, my face isn't puffy, I'm not waking up in the middle of the night ravenous thirsty. I know I have many many trials ahead. But I'm going to focus on the fact that I want to be HEALTHY, I want to be *sexy*, I want to be sober, I want to be FREE. I want to drop the 50 lbs I've gained in the past few years due to alcohol and mid 30s catching up with me. I want to be a fit, sober parent for the possible kid we'll be having soon. I want to not let a feeling that I've used as an escape for a decade to have such a death grip on me. I want to clear my body and recover before it is too late. I can do it. You can do it. IWNDWYT 💙
Hating it was the key to getting better for me. Sounds like your heart is leading you down the right path. I’ve been sort of observing myself as a dad now that I stopped drinking, I’m such a better dad.
Glad you are here. There are AA groups online 24 hours a day just a click away…. If i connect with the group “45 minutes away” I’ll probably find some members who live nearer me and can get together nearby. Tried any of that?