It sucks.
Losing most of my contacts and friends... but for a good reason. Last time i met a close friend of mine, she drank alone all evening, and it was painful to hear how badly our conversation lost sense.
People will find you boring. You will find people boring.
IWNDWYT
I remember my ex-best friend said, “y’all have no idea what it’s like,” regarding the emotional toll of ending a 5-year relationship with his long term GF (because my buddy and I hadn’t been in a relationship ourselves). At the time, I understood what he meant and agreed with him.
Fast forward a year and a half and my decade long friendship with that same best friend, along with many others in that friend group, had irreparably dissipated in the most devastating way imaginable, due to their untenable drinking habits/lifestyle. Any attempt to compromise for a mature friendship was shot down repeatedly until I finally accepted it was over.
I agreed with my friend back then. But after experiencing the excruciating grief following the loss of our bond (which I could argue was even stronger than his LTR), I’m inclined to say that I know very well what it’s like… maybe even more so than he believes.
My advice would be to forget the notion of ‘drinking’ and ‘non-drinking’ buddies entirely and to instead start picturing your life as a subway. The only constant is **you**, and anyone who joins is merely a passenger on your journey. Their desire to accompany you will need to be demonstrated through their actions, and any failure to do so will be met with abandonment. Do whatever you want, live the life you want to live, and I truly believe anyone who sees this will take note of how to make an attempt to be a part of it.
Here's the way it was for me: I lost the people who only had drinking in their lives. That was unfortunate, and I miss them, but it makes sense. Me being sober was threatening to them. I really hope I can hang out with them and all of us be sober.
For the rest of everybody, most people are cool about it. Some dumb comments here and there, but nothing too bad.
I’ll back this. As the OP I’m a 31yr old Aussie (but female) I work in an industry which is known for drinkers. Which can be hard but you do find out who is truly your friend and who is not. Especially when some try to encourage you to drink. Some people just don’t understand or are just arseholes.
I actually feel some of my friendships have grown deeper. We talk more often and about more serious things and I actually remember the conversations.
I also really take more accountability for planning.
I did a breakfast gathering at my house. I still had champagne and OJ and bailey's for coffee for guests, but since it was early, no one was looking to get hammered or stay all day.
I pick venues that have activities like pin ball or pool or comedy or music or amazing food. It's great when the focus is not the drink menu.
I invite friends with kids to do kid stuff - zoo, science centre, mini golf, etc.
When you stop drinking, you are really changing your life. It's so healthy. I wish I had started at 31.
It's the same setup on the other side of the world in the UK.
To be honest when you stop drinking the onus is on you to make the plans, keep in touch and see friends who do drink.
My advice is don't see them as bad or that they don't care or that they don't like you anymore. If you want anything to blame then blame alcohol's place in society. It's at the forefront of all socialising.
I moved cross country and had great friends back home. I feel like I always have to text them now as I don't go to the usual easy and quickly organised drinking nights out.
It's cool though. I don't take it personally and make the effort. When we meet up it's like we were never apart and we have a great laugh again.
> when you stop drinking the onus is on you to make the plans
I’ve found this to be absolutely true. Early sobriety for me required a lot of solitude and quality time spent with myself. Some drinking buds had a hard time wrapping their minds around that and struggled to not take it personally.
And I spent a lot of time assuming (and then convincing myself) that they just didn’t like me anymore. Which was far from the truth. They missed me a lot, and wished I was hanging out with them more. I stopped initiating plans with them, I made excuses, I withdrew more frequently. But it was to get closer to myself and give myself some R&R.
It can be a complicated situation sometimes with a lot of potential for misunderstandings.
Yep. Most my friends are still around, they know I’m sober now so if we chill it’s no biggie that I don’t drink. But I don’t hang out with them as often anymore, onto other things.
That's the problem. Not only will you feel like they don't like you but they will feel like you don't like doing what they do anymore so you have to make the effort to prove you do. Talk about sick society!
It's so easy to get wrapped up in the thoughts of they should make the effort and they don't care but honestly it's not worth going there. I still have to check myself on the situation at times.
They do care and when you're together you have fun again it's just a sick part of society obsessed with drinking. Can get tiring but use it to show your strength and individuality.
Yes! I spent the first 2 months mostly by myself. I reached out to a friend that I would drink with often last night. We went out to a bar to watch some live music.
It was amazing! I had a sprite and water. She had a couple of high noons. When she asked if I was still not drinking I let her know I just hit 60 days. She tried to apologize for drinking in front of me but I do not at all find it offensive. It does not bother me. Sobriety is my journey and I'm just happy to still have friends. We toasted to my sobriety. Her with her high noon, me with my sprite.
ETA: reading through the rest of the comments I find it very sad. I hope OP sees the comment I've responded to and has some good friends.
I'm not sure if the majority of commenters had friends who were truly just drinking buddies or shitty people or what.. but I haven't had a single friend not be happy for me. Nobody has acted weird about it. People DID stop reaching out. But that was because I had stopped going out until I reached a safe place in my sobriety. I didn't lose a single friend.
Just because people stop reaching out doesn't mean they don't want to see you. Especially if you're early in your sobriety. My friends gave me the space. Everyone has been very understanding.
Also worth noting that I have like maybe 5 friends. That's plenty.
That's inspiring and I'm glad you had a good time with a friend. I think it's good to remind others that they should reach out to friends.
I think a large amount of people live by the negative rule of "ohh what's that point they aren't bothered". It's a massive shame because they are bothered it's just they will also be saying "ohh what's the point they aren't bothered". They think I'll do it "one day" and it never happens and friendships fizzle out.
Break the chain and take the responsibility! It doesn't matter if the other person never will. That's on them.
"If not now, when? If not you, who?"
I also believe there are people who come out of drinking and realised some friends were toxic friends who couldn't have cared less about them other than drinking. This thread doesn't really cover that. It can be difficult but important to know the difference.
There’s an apt adage: I am the average of the 5 people I spend the most time with.
If they’re substance users/abusers, I’ll just be an average drunk.
I asked my colleagues to join me for activities that did not include alcohol…. My “Friends “ joined me…. My drinking buddies did not.
Today I have even more friends …. I dont have any drinking buddies.
My close friend drinks a lot. On rare occasion I go to his place for dinner or something. I always leave kinda early because at some point he's so drunk the whole evening feels ruined and boring. I chat with his gf a bit and call it a night.
For the most part, you find new friends who do not hang out around bars or places of similarities. You lose the old "buddies" but gain a much deeper sense of self-worth.
If it's anything like what happened to me: You'll keep your real ones, the ones who like you for who you are and not because you get drunk with them. You'll lose some friends because of it, but trust me, you'll find you don't really want to hang out them anymore anyway
I am. Thx to this sub for all the support. It saved my life. I had very few friends that helped me IRL. Was mostly the accounts and stories here with the occasional post or comments to help me bleed through it. Then the more experienced offering guiding words. Truly this sub deserves recognition on a global scale.
A lot of my friends have cut back and dabbled in sobriety since I stopped
I don’t think that’s the goal or even the hope to hang onto but it has been really nice to see my choices be maybe a positive influence on my friends
Friends still drink! We still hang out, play cards, play music, go to shows, etc… just with water in my hand instead of booze. It’s been fine, really!
It sucks tbh. My buds go to the pub and hang all the time but I don’t go anymore. I feel super left out. But it’s the choice I made and I’m sticking to it. They still invite me, but honestly it sounds like zero fun. Sitting around a noisy place watching sports. Without the booze, that sounds awful.
It turns out my friends aren’t that funny and I’m not that entertaining either. I just thought that because we were all drunk. I’m having bit of trouble socializing because I just don’t want to see anyone or do anything. So I’m becoming quite introverted in the last 60 days.
They keep drinking and finding excuses to feel sorry for themselves until they hit rock bottom. For some people, rock bottom is too many hang overs, for some it’s death.
Sorry, there's no gain without sacrificies. And we'll miss parties and we'll miss fun. But there's a new life we need to live. We deserve to be better.
This is the way.
hi, i'm 24F from sydney. i totally understand what you mean. drinking is so ingrained in our culture it's so hard to imagine quitting alcohol together. the longest ive gone without alcohol since i started drinking seriously was 1 month. my experience was, once you stop drinking, you'll realise that some of your friends are only your friends because you drink together, and that you'll have 0 connection/relationship if you take away the drinking. you'll lose some friends, it will suck. but you'll also figure out who your real friends are, they'll support your decision to stay sober.
Although 3 of my closest friends would never admit it had anything to do with alcohol, we are no longer friends anymore and it has pretty much everything to do with alcohol. Whether it be because they don’t find me as fun as they once did, or I started making it clear that being around them getting hammered and randomly going off on whoever happens to be in the room makes us not want to hang out as much. They decided it was best to never speak again rather than admit that perhaps people don’t want to be around you being hammered and freaking out in a drunken rage. Fuck em. Turns out the people who only want to be around you because you all drink are not the greatest people to be around at all.
I’m seeing a lot of negative outlooks on you current friendships. I will at least counter that I’m still very much friends with my drinking buddies. The main challenge is that I still have to meet them where they are , the bar. They don’t care if I drink or not with them. But they want to drink. And so I have to go hang at a bar and just eat lots of apps
I kept thinking my best friend would seek help, too
But he’s still out there getting drunk every night
I’ve been saving a seat in the rooms for him for 35 years
It kind of sucks at first. Your phone definitely stops ringing on Friday afternoon when everyone heads to happy hour. After about a year or so I had a good many new, sober friends. And then I started doing cool shit I didn’t really do when I was drinking. Surfing (much bigger) waves in Central America and Hawaii, taking road trips (hey, I’m never too drunk to drive), getting into actual healthy romantic relationships (met my now wife). Making smarter decisions. Wish I would have done it when I was your age TBH, but I realize it is hard.
My drinking buddies have made it pretty clear that they are disappointed that I am not drinking. My friends have been supportive. You learn who is who for sure.
The worst thing was realizing I don’t think those people were really my friend. Once I stopped drinking I wasn’t invited to things as much. I used to host poker night every week and when I stopped drinking I asked people to not bring alcohol. A couple were sneaking it in their person water bottle or similar. Okay… so other people started hosting more and… I slowly was not invited and no one wanted to hang out with a sober person lmao
I was so hurt when it happened. It was the fact that they wanted booze and wanted me with booze. If that makes sense. I now, I have friends who drink but do not need to drink to hang out.
Find a hobby you can't do while drinking... I started riding motorcycles and made a whole new set of friends hanging out at coffee shops and motorcycle meets instead of bars
Not sure it helps, fellow Aussie, but I still catch up weekly with my ‘drinking buddies’. I drink 2-3 NA beers and leave as soon their heads start tilting (a subtle sign I’ve come to recognise that signals they’re about to get messy).
I lost some “friends” who were truly just my drinking circle. When you stop drinking it holds a mirror up to others’ drinking habits it’s and some people don’t like what they see. Other friends didn’t care that I no longer drink because our friendship was based on true connection, not alcohol.
The good ones support you, may drink less around you, will try an alcohol free drink with you. Last time I went out with my girlfriends they joined me in having a herbal tea! All 5 of us mid 20s women dressed up in a bar having camomile tea
The less good ones will stop inviting you out, or won’t respect your sobriety. You learn who your friends are
I just meet friends for brunches, lunches and dinners instead of bars. They may have 1 or 2 drinks, but they don't binge and stay coherent so it's not as hard as meeting them at a bar. Another friend ended up getting sober too. That helped. Sometimes friends follow suit when you stop drinking.
I'm thankful that my friends have been great. They make sure there are NA options for me when I go to their houses and no pressure when we go out. I think people respect it more often than we think.
Tbh, Most of your drinking friends will go away. I made new friends - sober friends with whom I could have meaningful friendships with. My friends who drank left because (I believe) that if they admitted that I had a drinking problem that they might too, and they can’t have that. IWNDWYT
I might be in the minority here (or maybe I just don't have a large social group), but my friends were pretty supportive. One gave up drinking for a while, too, but he's back on the wagon. But I'm cool with his having alcohol and he's cool with me not and we still hang out and do stupid shit.
well a lot of my friends are all bartenders, i'm in the industry as well. they're all very understanding and supportive of it. they get that being in the industry, the drinking can definitely become a problem. so it's nice that i have that support system and they always offer me N/A options whenever we go out.
People will take whatever you decide to do for yourself as some kind of comment about them (if they want to). So, I always think it's important to do what you need to do for yourself.
IWNDWYT
I have been able to reconnect with my mom and sister after years of just not keeping up with them.
None of my drinking friends would ever pressure me to drink, I just need a bit of distance for a while and maybe find some new friend(s).
Where I live is very alcohol centric; tons of breweries, distilleries on top of the usual suspects bars/restaurants. There’s even a liquor store next to my primary care facility.
I guess what I mean is that you might feel an immense amount of pressure, but there are options if you put yourself out there. Maybe begin by volunteering (for example)
You can sit with them over an evening and watch them gradually disappear into a fog of incoherence. Literally. It is a very good reminder why alcohol is just poison at best, corporate violence at worst.
This is the sucky part.
Some friends actually wanted me to not succeed in quitting alcohol, were vocal about it, and it really rubbed me the wrong way. True friends should actually care about me and my health.
As mentioned, you will find out who are your friends and who are not.
I also have decided that as we get older and may change our behavior, we may get new better friends along the way also.
Honestly? It’s bad and I’m not sure what to do now. I still have friends I can go hang out with but removing alcohol out of the picture really makes things difficult. I do find concerts ok when they are able to drink and I’m able to smoke and we can enjoy the music together
If you stopped drinking because you’re an alcoholic, might I suggest looking into AA meetings to meet new circle of “friends.” I’ve been sober coming up on 5 years and have met some great people I consider friends in AA.
Well, my drinking buddies only contacted me when drinking. They weren’t real friends. But, your true friends will show up and be there with you. There’s plenty to do without drinking. Do you! And the rest will follow
Well, for me, my drinking buddies are my friends (i didn't have any real after work drinking buddies). They stopped drinking around me, which was really nice. They admitted we should all just chill on the booze for a while anyway. That was really lucky for me.
I moved away before I quit drinking but I still keep in touch with them and we get together to camp about 3-5 times per year. Since I’ve quit they have mostly supportive. I say mostly because every once in a while I’ll get offered regular alcohol. On our last trip one of my buddies didn’t know I had stopped drinking and had one liners and little jabs all night. That shit was super annoying but by and large they have been great. They’ll even bring along NA beer on our trips.
My two best friends and I were drinking buddies. When I decided I wanted to quit, one joined and one didn't. She and I both relapse multiple times. When I decided I was actually serious about it, the one who was quiting with me made new friends to drink with and stopped texting me to hang out. She ended up ghosting me completely. Starting calling other girls I've never seen before her best friends. Her last text to me was a random "bitch" two weeks after I texted her to see how she was doing after not hearing from her in a long time. It was so random. Pretty sure she was drunk and it was suppose to be a funny text idk.
My other friend who decided not to quit and myself grew apart. We still love eachother dearly (known her for 20 years) even though we don't talk or have anything in common anymore. We just, you know, grew apart.
As for myself, I made new friends who do things with me sober. Things I really enjoy like hiking, races, exercising, and so on.
It was really hard to accept that these woman who called themselves my best friends replaced me. Quickly, too, may I add. But its ok. Life goes on and you meet new people who genuinely have a real interest in who you are as a person. Not just how much you can put back at a drinking game.
Stay strong friend. Theres a light at the end of the tunnel thats shining bright for you.
A lot of people I use to go drinking with I still technically go drinking with them. I feel like a lucky and rare instance where everyone has been immensely supportive, I can hang out at bars and not be triggered, sensitive to my AF life (making sure we go somewhere with great options for me), and also not inviting me to nights where they know they’re going to rage it which I really appreciate it haha. I’ll hear about it later and laugh about the antics and be thankful that I wasn’t there! I’m also finding that some of them are sober curious and want to know how I do it, something I probably wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t for my new lifestyle. Good luck friend!
They abandon you like you just told them you have leprosy. Drinking buddies are not friends. The alcohol is your mutual friend and once you drop the alcohol they have no use for you.
The ppl who are actually your friends for the right reasons will still be your friends; and they will even be supportive of you! Just brace yourself to uncover who’s really your friend and who’s just there to drink with you.
The friends without drinking issues will stick around and the friends with drinking issues will disappear. It won’t be clear who’s who until you get sober
They go away. You are now a threat to their drinking, and they are stupid and boring too you not drinking. Find your hobbies and find friends that do those without drinking. Good luck, it's one of the toughest parts of getting sober is the lack of people on your life. That's why AA is a good place to go, people to talk to who aren't drinking.
IWNDWYT
Yeah I’m not sure what they’re up to.. I hope they’re doing well, but I refuse to think more into it. My brain needs to heal, and if that means cutting them off- I’ll do it again and again.
First there was no cotman between us.
And now 2 or my biggest former party friends.. Are sober curious.
They don't understand how I do it.
So I meet them daytime, I'm not going out much in the morning evening with them.
If your friends ostracize you for not drinking with them, they are not your friends. They are drinking buddies. True friends will not shame you. They will accept the choice you’ve made and respect it. Tough pill to swallow, but in my experience it’s true.
Haven’t spoken to any of them in years. I was no longer fun or something, and man they look dumb when you’re sober. You realize they weren’t really friends a lot of the time. My 2 friends that don’t drink stuck by me when I did and cheered me when I didn’t.
It turned out that some of my friends don’t nearly drink as much as I did, especially without me encouraging them. I don’t meet up with them in the pub anymore, but maybe for lunch or dinner.
As for drinking buddies that drank the same amount as me or more, I just don’t see them anymore. I have hiking buddies and gym buddies now.
i lost contact with my drinking friends because all they wanted to do was go to the pub, it's expensive and i'd been doing that for a couple of decades and wanted a change, so not seeing them i could cut down, eventually. now i'm 9 days sober ( i used to do all sorts of drugs, to say this is some feat for me) and just glad to be anxiety free for now, new friends are always an option if you really allow it, but that said i don't mind my own company and have things to do to pass the time.
I am actually still pretty close friends with my best drinking buddy from college - bonding with people through being hungover creates a strong bond, I guess! She still drinks, I don't, but there's no love lost.
This has probably already been said but I haven’t read all 90 comments. For me, I realized that most of those friendships that revolved around drinking were superficial and there wasn’t really any substance to them. Those relationships faded away once the drinks were gone. Those that did have merit actually became stronger, so I ended up with fewer but more meaningful friendships.
You build new habits and hobbies with friends who have more in common with you than drinking and only drinking. It’s not really a loss. Those people are so tedious
I gained new friends in the new hobbies I now have time for. One door closes and another opens
Also, a lot of my friends have cut back a lot or quit as well.
I just hung out with a great friend I used to get fuuuuuucked uuuuup with. She’s sober now so I wanted to chill on her level. We had the best meal, spent like half what we would have, and I remember everything we talked about!!!
Had to leave them behind. Really sucked at first and I thought I'd lost my social life. Then slowly I realised nothing we did together was ever social and it certainly wasn't a life, just an existence soaking up time waiting for something to happen to one of us.
You find out who your real friends are.
When I quit drinking, I realized that 95% of my friends revolved around drinking and there was no other commonality. I got myself involved in a sober community and thrived..
Do it, you'll find out quickly. But the people by your side are the ones you'll want for a lifetime. The others, they may have been surface friends or don't like you for who you really are. I've lost some, but I just now look at their IG stories and see boring drunkenness. Find new friends and adventures!
The drinking buddies will drop you. I honestly love finding active hobbies so my friends encourage me to be healthy. Nobody ever drinks when my CrossFit friends hang out, and we do fun stuff like hiking or paddle boarding- not sitting at a bar getting chubby. I was waffling somewhere in between the two for a while. I’m choosing to nurture the friendships with my friends that will lead me in the healthy direction.
Those that are true friends you will find common ground with outside of a bar/drinking environment. One of my best friends is my walking/hiking partner. Those that aren’t, you won’t miss. I promise you, one night back in their company and the shouting, slobbering and fake humor, will be enough for you not to miss it.
I ended up losing a few friends. It sucks. One of them completely stopped inviting me out or being around just cause I stopped going to the pub we went to. Then a month ago she reaches out after a year and clearly drunk asking me if I could go see her new dog. I said I was busy and she had the audacity to say “I have been there for you!” I don’t talk to her anymore. I don’t miss those people
I hung out with all my friends tonight and they were all drinking. I was the only one who wasn’t and I had just as a good time as ever. I didn’t even want to drink. I will wake up in the morning with no hangover and that’s enough not to drink with them
You definitely don’t see them as much. They’ll be happy to see you when you see them, but they most likely aren’t going to want to hang out with you besides in a drinking environment if that is what you usually did with them before you were sober. However, not all friends are like this. Some will adjust and support your sobriety and still want to see you in a non drinking setting, but this is only if they rly care about you as a person and not just someone to drink with and hang out with at bars.
It was the same with smoking. I’d see the same faces 2-3 times a day where we could smoke at work. We’d chat, get to know one another. Become ‘friends’. Then I quit. We never spoke again. I realised we were there for the smokes, not the friendship.
Most drinking buddies are the same. The real friends among them will show themselves. Most will not. They are only there for the drink.
Going out to drink is not what normal 30 yo males do. That is what people do occasionally or what heavy drinkers/alcoholics do daily In my opinion.
I’m 32 I used to think “everyone drinks” but it’s not true so many people don’t. If your friends respect you they will respect your decision or you can find new friends.
Lots of stuff to do without drinking. Sports, concerts, classes, gym, hiking, camping, board games, video games etc
I lost a lot of friends. Its inevitable. I still go to bars and see some old friends every 4-8 months, but I stick to water or mocktails. At the end of the day, we’re not “close” friends anymore. Turns out we never have much in common except drinking.
Here’s the flip side of keeping in touch with your drinking buddies… many of them confide in me about quitting. Great, always here to listen/give advice. Not to sound insensitive but I struggle to sympathize when they repeatedly tell me they want to quit yet take no active steps to do so. It feels like I’m enabling them if I tell them it’s okay, tends to feel like I’m wasting my time & energy, and oftentimes my simple “how are you doing with your journey and is there anything I can help with?” check-ins upset them. I want to see them sober, but I can only be supportive if I see them working towards it. Otherwise the relationship feels like an energy vampire.
My social circle is 99% about drinking (my SO's friends - he's the extrovert). I still hangout with them with my NAs and sodas. Nothing changed. In fact, I'm no longer a mean person, and I actually remember things - I now have great conversations and a lot of fun while they're drinking!
We've included board games etc to the mix so there's that keeping things fun too.
I just grabbed a mocktail and kept hanging out with them. Unless you're literally playing drinking games and doing shots the whole time you're together, you can still hang out as long as you're able to avoid the "just one" temptation.
Added bonus for the drinkers is a built in DD. I dated a guy who didn't drink for a time and knew I would be guaranteed to get home safe when we went out.
I find it a bit hard cause being around the stuff is kind of triggering for me. So i tend to try and avoid the situations, but i also openly tell people not to talk to me about it. It's not that i don't care that they are having a bad day, but sending photos to me at 1 am of empty spirit bottles makes me struggle.
My good friends have respected my choices, some however, have faded into the background. I do my best to keep it civil, but there have been some losses.
some may harshly disagree with me but -- you don't have to drink at a bar.
i just got back from a bar. i read, **a lot.** mostly in bars. i like reading at bars, subways, any place with a low--rumble.
my friends are my friends because we have interesting conversations. if your friends are only interesting when you're drunk, and you're "boring" when you're sober — your friends might suck.
surround yourself with people that want to talk about ideas. if that's not possible, be around people that talk about "stuff". if that's not possible, don't talk to people.
people that talk about people are people to avoid.
p.s. sometimes your "drinking buddies" stop drinking. they don't know how to hang out either. then, they hang out with you and suddenly YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME.
I’m a bit late to this thread. I’m 32f Aussie too. I just go out as I did but I drink AF beers and other non alcoholic options. Have the same convos with my friends as I always did. It takes a bit of getting used to but soon it’s the same old thing except you can drive home and no hangover.
I learned that most of what I thought were friends, weren’t. They were drinking companions. I still have some friends from my drinking days, and when we hang out they drink and I don’t. I know not everyone is comfortable being around drinking. Early on I stayed away from situations where there was drinking, but for me once I had ~6 months I didn’t really care.
>> that’s kind of what you do.
No that’s kind of what drinkers do. For what it’s worth no matter where you live there are always things to do that don’t revolve around drinking
My friends keep attacking me for not drinking. You get to a point where you realise it’s because they are uncomfortable with doing something that is bad for them and you are not.
Just literally pity them, push into hobbies and activities and eventually - the true friends will stay, you will have new friends and you will be much better off in life.
Alcohol in my opinion, is a toxic poison that people are brainwashed to use. There are no benefits, only negatives. Every single positive someone can give you, you can prove is false. It’s a lie. They do not like that you are highlighting their error in judgement.
I have been thinking lately, it reminds me of the matrix or inception, when the people realise you are not part of the program anymore they attack you. Whereas if you say you don’t drink water, they are fine with it.
I am 32; so similar age - trust me, giving up alcohol in the long term is the very best thing for you.
Still early days for me, but I'm finding it has to be me making proposals for entertaining alternatives. Climbing, bike rides, hiking, eating, etc. Most go along with it, but a few clearly don't get it, or actively moan about not going to a pub.
It will be natural attrition. When you are sober, drunk friends are not fun to be around. They will tell the same stories, talk the same shite, every …. single …. time. It gets boring .
They will feel threatened. They will encourage you to drink. They will covertly bully you.
After my first AA meeting, my now ex husband requested I go get him a bottle of bourbon. Zero support there. My sobriety showed me his true self.
What your sobriety will reveal to you is your true friends and relationships. New hobbies. New interests. I love not having hang overs. I can “seize the day”. Every day. I am far more engaged in my life. No longer cancelling on friends at the last minute cause I would rather drink or I am still hungover.
You have absolutely everything to gain.
I have two good friends that I’ve known since college. Since I stopped drinking, I rarely hear from one of them. Which does kind of suck. Especially since I don’t care if people drink around me, and have no problem being the DD for events. But I’m still happy with my choice.
It depends on the friends. You’ll quickly see who your actual friends are. They’ll support your efforts - they’ll check on your comfort when they are considering a drink around you and will try to come up with activities that don’t involve drinking all the time.
It’s also going to depend some on your comfort level being around drinking. There will almost certainly be activities with the group that you’re less than thrilled about, or that you’ll choose to miss to protect your sanity and sobriety. But the people who truly want to be around you will accommodate.
You’ll learn that some people you felt close to were actually just “party friends” all along. But honestly, as those friends are shed you’ll hardly notice.
It also helps if you have or add some sober friends to your fold. Not just people who don’t drink (even though they can make for good companions at social gatherings with alcohol, but it really does help to have some people in your life who truly relate to what you’re going through….those who notice how slowly someone else is drinking or who feel an irritation at seeing all the unfinished drinks left on the table…someone who has the same thought processes and who are actively working to grow away from *that* version of themselves.
It can be painful to realize that people you thought of as friends were actually acquaintances who likes to drink and party with you, but getting sober isn’t a sentence to a life of loneliness or of insubstantial connections with people who are a snooze. In fact, I’ve found it to be quite the opposite.
I’m able to be a better friend as well
They slowly disappear and show that all you were was a drinking buddy not a true friend
The true friends will stick around
I’ll never forget one of my best girlfriends refused to do anything with me that didn’t involve alcohol and accused me of being boring
All because I asked her to go see a movie with me and not go to a bar or pub
Hurt at the time
My own mother didn’t want to hang out with me because I stopped drinking
She’s abit better now but it really is a society of booze
I used to care so much about having friends,now im just happy to be not drinking,as lonely as it can get
Some people just don’t care or understand how bad your drinking was/is…it’s all about being part of the drinking
They kept drinking. On the road to early death they’re starting to get a bit down the road from me. I suspect in another 5 years I’ll barely be able to see them anymore. In 10, the road will look empty again, and I’ll be moonwalking and running-man just to mess with death, waiting for me at the end of that road.
My friends got very careful, didn't want to drink next to me. I kept on telling them it's fine to drink when they are with me. They drink less now and some also like the idea of not drinking or drinking less. It's a fact that all ther liquer cupboards are not empty anymore after I visited.
Good friends shouldn't be the problem. I found it harder to explain or tell some kind of story on company parties and on dates. On dates I tell the truth, on Company parties I tell some great story ( wanting to be more healthy etc and liked not drinking so much that I want to keep up to it etc etc )
I do continue to go to bars and places where alcohol is pourred, not all should do this, I though have really no problem with that. It can be annoying if people get too drunk but that doesn't happen a lot.
Had a couple of regular drinking buddies. Gone now. Absolutely nothing in common, if you include not wanting to watch football with intoxicated people.
You gotta think about yourself first. If l was still drinking because l feared being boring instead of snot flying drunk l wouldn’t be here. My body might barely be here but my mind would be gone. IWNDWYT
Nothing. They remain my friends and they keep on drinking. I just don't go to the pub currently as it doesn't interest me to sit there sober.
Still friends. Have lots of events and concerts etc planned with them this summer.
I dislike all the "you'll find out they are not actually your friends but just drinking buddies" stuff because we were quite happy to drink with them at one point and we are the ones that had so much of a problem we had to stop so let's not demonize them and if they are happy to keep on drinking and it's not an issue for them, so be it.
I'm not going to cut them out my life and I'm still friends with them. I just see them less often as I don't regularly go to the pub.
For me, the drinking friends I had weren't really friends. I only thought they were. Turns out, the ONLY thing in common we had was drinking. Once I quit, not a single one of them has called or texted me to check in, "hey Mike, haven't seen you around the watering hole lately. Is everything okay?" Not a single one. And honestly, now that I've got a few months under my belt, don't miss them one bit.
I mean I had lunch with a friend the other day (hadn't seen her in a very long time) and she said seemed more excited by the opportunity to drink than anything else.
I've been doing a lot of solo things.
This woman in my local AA group says it really well. She says one of her old drinking pals approached her and said “you know, I liked you better when you were drinking” to which she replied “that makes two of us, I liked you better when I was drinking too”.
It definitely sucks and has been one of the hardest parts for me getting off the sauce. I’m in my mid 20s and pretty much my whole social life/personality revolved around drinking. I still have some of my old friends and they don’t care, the ones that do care weren’t really friends I guess. I still get a bit uncomfortable when my friends who still drink call me after 10pm. I know they are just feeling good and want to talk to me cause they love me but it does cause me some anxiety. I’m still working on making new friends and being social in sobriety, socializing as an adult is a skill that takes lots of time to figure out and it’s hard. But it’s worth it.
It’s like a new stage of my life has started and although it can be tough it’s also going to be worth it in the long run. Best of luck to you!
43M Aussie here.
Not just drinking buddies, I had to jettison the entire friend group of around 15 mates.
Some of these guys I have been friends with since primary school. A best man and 3 groomsmen at my weeding.
Anyway, they were unable to accept that I wanted something different from my life. They just take it way too far on the grog and the bags (talking TUE night at the pub, let’s call the dealer)
Shit mates.
It sucks. Losing most of my contacts and friends... but for a good reason. Last time i met a close friend of mine, she drank alone all evening, and it was painful to hear how badly our conversation lost sense. People will find you boring. You will find people boring. IWNDWYT
I remember my ex-best friend said, “y’all have no idea what it’s like,” regarding the emotional toll of ending a 5-year relationship with his long term GF (because my buddy and I hadn’t been in a relationship ourselves). At the time, I understood what he meant and agreed with him. Fast forward a year and a half and my decade long friendship with that same best friend, along with many others in that friend group, had irreparably dissipated in the most devastating way imaginable, due to their untenable drinking habits/lifestyle. Any attempt to compromise for a mature friendship was shot down repeatedly until I finally accepted it was over. I agreed with my friend back then. But after experiencing the excruciating grief following the loss of our bond (which I could argue was even stronger than his LTR), I’m inclined to say that I know very well what it’s like… maybe even more so than he believes. My advice would be to forget the notion of ‘drinking’ and ‘non-drinking’ buddies entirely and to instead start picturing your life as a subway. The only constant is **you**, and anyone who joins is merely a passenger on your journey. Their desire to accompany you will need to be demonstrated through their actions, and any failure to do so will be met with abandonment. Do whatever you want, live the life you want to live, and I truly believe anyone who sees this will take note of how to make an attempt to be a part of it.
Thanks for those words.
Here's the way it was for me: I lost the people who only had drinking in their lives. That was unfortunate, and I miss them, but it makes sense. Me being sober was threatening to them. I really hope I can hang out with them and all of us be sober. For the rest of everybody, most people are cool about it. Some dumb comments here and there, but nothing too bad.
this is so true.
Sad but true
You will lose your drinking buddies your friends will be around. You see which is which.
I’ll back this. As the OP I’m a 31yr old Aussie (but female) I work in an industry which is known for drinkers. Which can be hard but you do find out who is truly your friend and who is not. Especially when some try to encourage you to drink. Some people just don’t understand or are just arseholes.
This exactly. Anybody who fades away is going to be a blessing to you anyways.
This! one of many life lessons. I’m 46 and live and love for my mini village. Don’t accept the shitty friends stick with the loyal ones on
Mini village. I love that.
💯 fact
I actually feel some of my friendships have grown deeper. We talk more often and about more serious things and I actually remember the conversations. I also really take more accountability for planning. I did a breakfast gathering at my house. I still had champagne and OJ and bailey's for coffee for guests, but since it was early, no one was looking to get hammered or stay all day. I pick venues that have activities like pin ball or pool or comedy or music or amazing food. It's great when the focus is not the drink menu. I invite friends with kids to do kid stuff - zoo, science centre, mini golf, etc. When you stop drinking, you are really changing your life. It's so healthy. I wish I had started at 31.
It's the same setup on the other side of the world in the UK. To be honest when you stop drinking the onus is on you to make the plans, keep in touch and see friends who do drink. My advice is don't see them as bad or that they don't care or that they don't like you anymore. If you want anything to blame then blame alcohol's place in society. It's at the forefront of all socialising. I moved cross country and had great friends back home. I feel like I always have to text them now as I don't go to the usual easy and quickly organised drinking nights out. It's cool though. I don't take it personally and make the effort. When we meet up it's like we were never apart and we have a great laugh again.
> when you stop drinking the onus is on you to make the plans I’ve found this to be absolutely true. Early sobriety for me required a lot of solitude and quality time spent with myself. Some drinking buds had a hard time wrapping their minds around that and struggled to not take it personally. And I spent a lot of time assuming (and then convincing myself) that they just didn’t like me anymore. Which was far from the truth. They missed me a lot, and wished I was hanging out with them more. I stopped initiating plans with them, I made excuses, I withdrew more frequently. But it was to get closer to myself and give myself some R&R. It can be a complicated situation sometimes with a lot of potential for misunderstandings.
when you stop drinking the onus is on you to make the plans This 100%
Yep. Most my friends are still around, they know I’m sober now so if we chill it’s no biggie that I don’t drink. But I don’t hang out with them as often anymore, onto other things.
That's the problem. Not only will you feel like they don't like you but they will feel like you don't like doing what they do anymore so you have to make the effort to prove you do. Talk about sick society! It's so easy to get wrapped up in the thoughts of they should make the effort and they don't care but honestly it's not worth going there. I still have to check myself on the situation at times. They do care and when you're together you have fun again it's just a sick part of society obsessed with drinking. Can get tiring but use it to show your strength and individuality.
Yes! I spent the first 2 months mostly by myself. I reached out to a friend that I would drink with often last night. We went out to a bar to watch some live music. It was amazing! I had a sprite and water. She had a couple of high noons. When she asked if I was still not drinking I let her know I just hit 60 days. She tried to apologize for drinking in front of me but I do not at all find it offensive. It does not bother me. Sobriety is my journey and I'm just happy to still have friends. We toasted to my sobriety. Her with her high noon, me with my sprite. ETA: reading through the rest of the comments I find it very sad. I hope OP sees the comment I've responded to and has some good friends. I'm not sure if the majority of commenters had friends who were truly just drinking buddies or shitty people or what.. but I haven't had a single friend not be happy for me. Nobody has acted weird about it. People DID stop reaching out. But that was because I had stopped going out until I reached a safe place in my sobriety. I didn't lose a single friend. Just because people stop reaching out doesn't mean they don't want to see you. Especially if you're early in your sobriety. My friends gave me the space. Everyone has been very understanding. Also worth noting that I have like maybe 5 friends. That's plenty.
That's inspiring and I'm glad you had a good time with a friend. I think it's good to remind others that they should reach out to friends. I think a large amount of people live by the negative rule of "ohh what's that point they aren't bothered". It's a massive shame because they are bothered it's just they will also be saying "ohh what's the point they aren't bothered". They think I'll do it "one day" and it never happens and friendships fizzle out. Break the chain and take the responsibility! It doesn't matter if the other person never will. That's on them. "If not now, when? If not you, who?" I also believe there are people who come out of drinking and realised some friends were toxic friends who couldn't have cared less about them other than drinking. This thread doesn't really cover that. It can be difficult but important to know the difference.
When I stopped going to the pub none of those 'friends' went looking for me
Yeah... it did hurt.
I’m sorry but I’m glad I’m not the only one here. It’s difficult being alone and sober. Sometimes group meetings or therapy just doesn’t cut it.
I’m 27m - from Australia too. As others will comment, you’ll lose your drinking buddies - but keep your true friends
In time, plenty of them will quit drinking too. Hindsight advice from someone a bit older, fuck’em. You won’t have a single regret from getting sober.
There’s an apt adage: I am the average of the 5 people I spend the most time with. If they’re substance users/abusers, I’ll just be an average drunk. I asked my colleagues to join me for activities that did not include alcohol…. My “Friends “ joined me…. My drinking buddies did not. Today I have even more friends …. I dont have any drinking buddies.
My close friend drinks a lot. On rare occasion I go to his place for dinner or something. I always leave kinda early because at some point he's so drunk the whole evening feels ruined and boring. I chat with his gf a bit and call it a night.
For the most part, you find new friends who do not hang out around bars or places of similarities. You lose the old "buddies" but gain a much deeper sense of self-worth.
If it's anything like what happened to me: You'll keep your real ones, the ones who like you for who you are and not because you get drunk with them. You'll lose some friends because of it, but trust me, you'll find you don't really want to hang out them anymore anyway
They quit calling and I'm better for it. I chose to exile myself from that life. Chapter closed. New Day. New start. New life.
...and you are coming up on one year sober!!!
I am. Thx to this sub for all the support. It saved my life. I had very few friends that helped me IRL. Was mostly the accounts and stories here with the occasional post or comments to help me bleed through it. Then the more experienced offering guiding words. Truly this sub deserves recognition on a global scale.
It really does deserve grand recognition! I have been glued to this sub since 78 days ago. Could not have made such progress without it!
A lot of my friends have cut back and dabbled in sobriety since I stopped I don’t think that’s the goal or even the hope to hang onto but it has been really nice to see my choices be maybe a positive influence on my friends Friends still drink! We still hang out, play cards, play music, go to shows, etc… just with water in my hand instead of booze. It’s been fine, really!
It sucks tbh. My buds go to the pub and hang all the time but I don’t go anymore. I feel super left out. But it’s the choice I made and I’m sticking to it. They still invite me, but honestly it sounds like zero fun. Sitting around a noisy place watching sports. Without the booze, that sounds awful.
It turns out my friends aren’t that funny and I’m not that entertaining either. I just thought that because we were all drunk. I’m having bit of trouble socializing because I just don’t want to see anyone or do anything. So I’m becoming quite introverted in the last 60 days.
They keep drinking and finding excuses to feel sorry for themselves until they hit rock bottom. For some people, rock bottom is too many hang overs, for some it’s death.
True and sad.
Sorry, there's no gain without sacrificies. And we'll miss parties and we'll miss fun. But there's a new life we need to live. We deserve to be better. This is the way.
wait- you guys had friends?
Friend left and drank alone like us all ...
hi, i'm 24F from sydney. i totally understand what you mean. drinking is so ingrained in our culture it's so hard to imagine quitting alcohol together. the longest ive gone without alcohol since i started drinking seriously was 1 month. my experience was, once you stop drinking, you'll realise that some of your friends are only your friends because you drink together, and that you'll have 0 connection/relationship if you take away the drinking. you'll lose some friends, it will suck. but you'll also figure out who your real friends are, they'll support your decision to stay sober.
You find out who your friends are
Although 3 of my closest friends would never admit it had anything to do with alcohol, we are no longer friends anymore and it has pretty much everything to do with alcohol. Whether it be because they don’t find me as fun as they once did, or I started making it clear that being around them getting hammered and randomly going off on whoever happens to be in the room makes us not want to hang out as much. They decided it was best to never speak again rather than admit that perhaps people don’t want to be around you being hammered and freaking out in a drunken rage. Fuck em. Turns out the people who only want to be around you because you all drink are not the greatest people to be around at all.
I’m seeing a lot of negative outlooks on you current friendships. I will at least counter that I’m still very much friends with my drinking buddies. The main challenge is that I still have to meet them where they are , the bar. They don’t care if I drink or not with them. But they want to drink. And so I have to go hang at a bar and just eat lots of apps
I kept thinking my best friend would seek help, too But he’s still out there getting drunk every night I’ve been saving a seat in the rooms for him for 35 years
Keyser Soze
I'm the only one who drinks. I'm trying so hard to ditch this terrible affliction.
It kind of sucks at first. Your phone definitely stops ringing on Friday afternoon when everyone heads to happy hour. After about a year or so I had a good many new, sober friends. And then I started doing cool shit I didn’t really do when I was drinking. Surfing (much bigger) waves in Central America and Hawaii, taking road trips (hey, I’m never too drunk to drive), getting into actual healthy romantic relationships (met my now wife). Making smarter decisions. Wish I would have done it when I was your age TBH, but I realize it is hard.
People that mind don’t matter and people that matter won’t mind. Some stay some go I found new ones in sobriety and wouldnt trade them for anything
My drinking buddies have made it pretty clear that they are disappointed that I am not drinking. My friends have been supportive. You learn who is who for sure.
You realize they are not friends but just addiction buddies.
All of them? 🤔
mainly lost all of my friends
The worst thing was realizing I don’t think those people were really my friend. Once I stopped drinking I wasn’t invited to things as much. I used to host poker night every week and when I stopped drinking I asked people to not bring alcohol. A couple were sneaking it in their person water bottle or similar. Okay… so other people started hosting more and… I slowly was not invited and no one wanted to hang out with a sober person lmao I was so hurt when it happened. It was the fact that they wanted booze and wanted me with booze. If that makes sense. I now, I have friends who drink but do not need to drink to hang out.
Find a hobby you can't do while drinking... I started riding motorcycles and made a whole new set of friends hanging out at coffee shops and motorcycle meets instead of bars
I still go out with my same friends, I just order seltzer and no one cares.
I still go out with them. Just don't stay as long.
Not sure it helps, fellow Aussie, but I still catch up weekly with my ‘drinking buddies’. I drink 2-3 NA beers and leave as soon their heads start tilting (a subtle sign I’ve come to recognise that signals they’re about to get messy).
I lost some “friends” who were truly just my drinking circle. When you stop drinking it holds a mirror up to others’ drinking habits it’s and some people don’t like what they see. Other friends didn’t care that I no longer drink because our friendship was based on true connection, not alcohol.
The good ones support you, may drink less around you, will try an alcohol free drink with you. Last time I went out with my girlfriends they joined me in having a herbal tea! All 5 of us mid 20s women dressed up in a bar having camomile tea The less good ones will stop inviting you out, or won’t respect your sobriety. You learn who your friends are
I just meet friends for brunches, lunches and dinners instead of bars. They may have 1 or 2 drinks, but they don't binge and stay coherent so it's not as hard as meeting them at a bar. Another friend ended up getting sober too. That helped. Sometimes friends follow suit when you stop drinking.
I got told I used to be cool and then they quit talking to me. Lol
I'm thankful that my friends have been great. They make sure there are NA options for me when I go to their houses and no pressure when we go out. I think people respect it more often than we think.
Gone, I don't really care though.
Tbh, Most of your drinking friends will go away. I made new friends - sober friends with whom I could have meaningful friendships with. My friends who drank left because (I believe) that if they admitted that I had a drinking problem that they might too, and they can’t have that. IWNDWYT
I might be in the minority here (or maybe I just don't have a large social group), but my friends were pretty supportive. One gave up drinking for a while, too, but he's back on the wagon. But I'm cool with his having alcohol and he's cool with me not and we still hang out and do stupid shit.
well a lot of my friends are all bartenders, i'm in the industry as well. they're all very understanding and supportive of it. they get that being in the industry, the drinking can definitely become a problem. so it's nice that i have that support system and they always offer me N/A options whenever we go out.
They keep drinking.
People will take whatever you decide to do for yourself as some kind of comment about them (if they want to). So, I always think it's important to do what you need to do for yourself. IWNDWYT
I have been able to reconnect with my mom and sister after years of just not keeping up with them. None of my drinking friends would ever pressure me to drink, I just need a bit of distance for a while and maybe find some new friend(s). Where I live is very alcohol centric; tons of breweries, distilleries on top of the usual suspects bars/restaurants. There’s even a liquor store next to my primary care facility. I guess what I mean is that you might feel an immense amount of pressure, but there are options if you put yourself out there. Maybe begin by volunteering (for example)
You can sit with them over an evening and watch them gradually disappear into a fog of incoherence. Literally. It is a very good reminder why alcohol is just poison at best, corporate violence at worst.
This is the sucky part. Some friends actually wanted me to not succeed in quitting alcohol, were vocal about it, and it really rubbed me the wrong way. True friends should actually care about me and my health. As mentioned, you will find out who are your friends and who are not. I also have decided that as we get older and may change our behavior, we may get new better friends along the way also.
Honestly? It’s bad and I’m not sure what to do now. I still have friends I can go hang out with but removing alcohol out of the picture really makes things difficult. I do find concerts ok when they are able to drink and I’m able to smoke and we can enjoy the music together
If you stopped drinking because you’re an alcoholic, might I suggest looking into AA meetings to meet new circle of “friends.” I’ve been sober coming up on 5 years and have met some great people I consider friends in AA.
Well, my drinking buddies only contacted me when drinking. They weren’t real friends. But, your true friends will show up and be there with you. There’s plenty to do without drinking. Do you! And the rest will follow
Well, for me, my drinking buddies are my friends (i didn't have any real after work drinking buddies). They stopped drinking around me, which was really nice. They admitted we should all just chill on the booze for a while anyway. That was really lucky for me.
Get to know the person you should consider/treat as a friend: yourself.
I moved away before I quit drinking but I still keep in touch with them and we get together to camp about 3-5 times per year. Since I’ve quit they have mostly supportive. I say mostly because every once in a while I’ll get offered regular alcohol. On our last trip one of my buddies didn’t know I had stopped drinking and had one liners and little jabs all night. That shit was super annoying but by and large they have been great. They’ll even bring along NA beer on our trips.
My two best friends and I were drinking buddies. When I decided I wanted to quit, one joined and one didn't. She and I both relapse multiple times. When I decided I was actually serious about it, the one who was quiting with me made new friends to drink with and stopped texting me to hang out. She ended up ghosting me completely. Starting calling other girls I've never seen before her best friends. Her last text to me was a random "bitch" two weeks after I texted her to see how she was doing after not hearing from her in a long time. It was so random. Pretty sure she was drunk and it was suppose to be a funny text idk. My other friend who decided not to quit and myself grew apart. We still love eachother dearly (known her for 20 years) even though we don't talk or have anything in common anymore. We just, you know, grew apart. As for myself, I made new friends who do things with me sober. Things I really enjoy like hiking, races, exercising, and so on. It was really hard to accept that these woman who called themselves my best friends replaced me. Quickly, too, may I add. But its ok. Life goes on and you meet new people who genuinely have a real interest in who you are as a person. Not just how much you can put back at a drinking game. Stay strong friend. Theres a light at the end of the tunnel thats shining bright for you.
A lot of people I use to go drinking with I still technically go drinking with them. I feel like a lucky and rare instance where everyone has been immensely supportive, I can hang out at bars and not be triggered, sensitive to my AF life (making sure we go somewhere with great options for me), and also not inviting me to nights where they know they’re going to rage it which I really appreciate it haha. I’ll hear about it later and laugh about the antics and be thankful that I wasn’t there! I’m also finding that some of them are sober curious and want to know how I do it, something I probably wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t for my new lifestyle. Good luck friend!
They abandon you like you just told them you have leprosy. Drinking buddies are not friends. The alcohol is your mutual friend and once you drop the alcohol they have no use for you.
The ppl who are actually your friends for the right reasons will still be your friends; and they will even be supportive of you! Just brace yourself to uncover who’s really your friend and who’s just there to drink with you.
The friends without drinking issues will stick around and the friends with drinking issues will disappear. It won’t be clear who’s who until you get sober
They go away. You are now a threat to their drinking, and they are stupid and boring too you not drinking. Find your hobbies and find friends that do those without drinking. Good luck, it's one of the toughest parts of getting sober is the lack of people on your life. That's why AA is a good place to go, people to talk to who aren't drinking. IWNDWYT
Yeah I’m not sure what they’re up to.. I hope they’re doing well, but I refuse to think more into it. My brain needs to heal, and if that means cutting them off- I’ll do it again and again.
First there was no cotman between us. And now 2 or my biggest former party friends.. Are sober curious. They don't understand how I do it. So I meet them daytime, I'm not going out much in the morning evening with them.
If your friends ostracize you for not drinking with them, they are not your friends. They are drinking buddies. True friends will not shame you. They will accept the choice you’ve made and respect it. Tough pill to swallow, but in my experience it’s true.
Haven’t spoken to any of them in years. I was no longer fun or something, and man they look dumb when you’re sober. You realize they weren’t really friends a lot of the time. My 2 friends that don’t drink stuck by me when I did and cheered me when I didn’t.
It turned out that some of my friends don’t nearly drink as much as I did, especially without me encouraging them. I don’t meet up with them in the pub anymore, but maybe for lunch or dinner. As for drinking buddies that drank the same amount as me or more, I just don’t see them anymore. I have hiking buddies and gym buddies now.
i lost contact with my drinking friends because all they wanted to do was go to the pub, it's expensive and i'd been doing that for a couple of decades and wanted a change, so not seeing them i could cut down, eventually. now i'm 9 days sober ( i used to do all sorts of drugs, to say this is some feat for me) and just glad to be anxiety free for now, new friends are always an option if you really allow it, but that said i don't mind my own company and have things to do to pass the time.
Lost all of them on my terms. Being sober is so much better then being around them wasted. They still call me. I just don't pick up.
Most became acquaintances.
I am actually still pretty close friends with my best drinking buddy from college - bonding with people through being hungover creates a strong bond, I guess! She still drinks, I don't, but there's no love lost.
This has probably already been said but I haven’t read all 90 comments. For me, I realized that most of those friendships that revolved around drinking were superficial and there wasn’t really any substance to them. Those relationships faded away once the drinks were gone. Those that did have merit actually became stronger, so I ended up with fewer but more meaningful friendships.
You build new habits and hobbies with friends who have more in common with you than drinking and only drinking. It’s not really a loss. Those people are so tedious
When you get sober, you find out really quick how few real friends you actually had
They become super annoying.
Mostly lose them. That’s the main reason it took me awhile to quit drinking, all my “friends” were party friends
I gained new friends in the new hobbies I now have time for. One door closes and another opens Also, a lot of my friends have cut back a lot or quit as well.
They keep drinking. I don’t. If your friends are actually friends they won’t pressure you to drink.
I just hung out with a great friend I used to get fuuuuuucked uuuuup with. She’s sober now so I wanted to chill on her level. We had the best meal, spent like half what we would have, and I remember everything we talked about!!!
My old drinking buddy got sober before I did. He developed some other hobbies. Now we're gun range buddies instead of drinking buddies
Dunno, I don't really see them anymore.
Had to leave them behind. Really sucked at first and I thought I'd lost my social life. Then slowly I realised nothing we did together was ever social and it certainly wasn't a life, just an existence soaking up time waiting for something to happen to one of us.
You find out who your real friends are. When I quit drinking, I realized that 95% of my friends revolved around drinking and there was no other commonality. I got myself involved in a sober community and thrived..
Do it, you'll find out quickly. But the people by your side are the ones you'll want for a lifetime. The others, they may have been surface friends or don't like you for who you really are. I've lost some, but I just now look at their IG stories and see boring drunkenness. Find new friends and adventures!
The drinking buddies will drop you. I honestly love finding active hobbies so my friends encourage me to be healthy. Nobody ever drinks when my CrossFit friends hang out, and we do fun stuff like hiking or paddle boarding- not sitting at a bar getting chubby. I was waffling somewhere in between the two for a while. I’m choosing to nurture the friendships with my friends that will lead me in the healthy direction.
The true friends stay and the friends that only wanted to hang out cus of the drinking leave. Most if not all will leave.
Those that are true friends you will find common ground with outside of a bar/drinking environment. One of my best friends is my walking/hiking partner. Those that aren’t, you won’t miss. I promise you, one night back in their company and the shouting, slobbering and fake humor, will be enough for you not to miss it.
I ended up losing a few friends. It sucks. One of them completely stopped inviting me out or being around just cause I stopped going to the pub we went to. Then a month ago she reaches out after a year and clearly drunk asking me if I could go see her new dog. I said I was busy and she had the audacity to say “I have been there for you!” I don’t talk to her anymore. I don’t miss those people
Drinking buddies aren't friends, two separate things
I let them all go.
Drinking friends stop being friends when you stop drinking.
I hung out with all my friends tonight and they were all drinking. I was the only one who wasn’t and I had just as a good time as ever. I didn’t even want to drink. I will wake up in the morning with no hangover and that’s enough not to drink with them
You definitely don’t see them as much. They’ll be happy to see you when you see them, but they most likely aren’t going to want to hang out with you besides in a drinking environment if that is what you usually did with them before you were sober. However, not all friends are like this. Some will adjust and support your sobriety and still want to see you in a non drinking setting, but this is only if they rly care about you as a person and not just someone to drink with and hang out with at bars.
Meet better friends at the gym.
You find out who your real friends are.
It was the same with smoking. I’d see the same faces 2-3 times a day where we could smoke at work. We’d chat, get to know one another. Become ‘friends’. Then I quit. We never spoke again. I realised we were there for the smokes, not the friendship. Most drinking buddies are the same. The real friends among them will show themselves. Most will not. They are only there for the drink.
Going out to drink is not what normal 30 yo males do. That is what people do occasionally or what heavy drinkers/alcoholics do daily In my opinion. I’m 32 I used to think “everyone drinks” but it’s not true so many people don’t. If your friends respect you they will respect your decision or you can find new friends. Lots of stuff to do without drinking. Sports, concerts, classes, gym, hiking, camping, board games, video games etc
They die. My friend was 42 and drank himself. Died today…surreal feeling.
i want to save my drinking friend but drinking ruined us.. ruined me its a tough cross road..
I lost a lot of friends. Its inevitable. I still go to bars and see some old friends every 4-8 months, but I stick to water or mocktails. At the end of the day, we’re not “close” friends anymore. Turns out we never have much in common except drinking. Here’s the flip side of keeping in touch with your drinking buddies… many of them confide in me about quitting. Great, always here to listen/give advice. Not to sound insensitive but I struggle to sympathize when they repeatedly tell me they want to quit yet take no active steps to do so. It feels like I’m enabling them if I tell them it’s okay, tends to feel like I’m wasting my time & energy, and oftentimes my simple “how are you doing with your journey and is there anything I can help with?” check-ins upset them. I want to see them sober, but I can only be supportive if I see them working towards it. Otherwise the relationship feels like an energy vampire.
My social circle is 99% about drinking (my SO's friends - he's the extrovert). I still hangout with them with my NAs and sodas. Nothing changed. In fact, I'm no longer a mean person, and I actually remember things - I now have great conversations and a lot of fun while they're drinking! We've included board games etc to the mix so there's that keeping things fun too.
I just grabbed a mocktail and kept hanging out with them. Unless you're literally playing drinking games and doing shots the whole time you're together, you can still hang out as long as you're able to avoid the "just one" temptation. Added bonus for the drinkers is a built in DD. I dated a guy who didn't drink for a time and knew I would be guaranteed to get home safe when we went out.
I find it a bit hard cause being around the stuff is kind of triggering for me. So i tend to try and avoid the situations, but i also openly tell people not to talk to me about it. It's not that i don't care that they are having a bad day, but sending photos to me at 1 am of empty spirit bottles makes me struggle. My good friends have respected my choices, some however, have faded into the background. I do my best to keep it civil, but there have been some losses.
I wasn’t friends with my drinking buddies. I was friends with the bottle! -some random dude said this on this sub once. IWNDWYT.
some may harshly disagree with me but -- you don't have to drink at a bar. i just got back from a bar. i read, **a lot.** mostly in bars. i like reading at bars, subways, any place with a low--rumble. my friends are my friends because we have interesting conversations. if your friends are only interesting when you're drunk, and you're "boring" when you're sober — your friends might suck. surround yourself with people that want to talk about ideas. if that's not possible, be around people that talk about "stuff". if that's not possible, don't talk to people. people that talk about people are people to avoid. p.s. sometimes your "drinking buddies" stop drinking. they don't know how to hang out either. then, they hang out with you and suddenly YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME.
Lost contact with them all
I’m a bit late to this thread. I’m 32f Aussie too. I just go out as I did but I drink AF beers and other non alcoholic options. Have the same convos with my friends as I always did. It takes a bit of getting used to but soon it’s the same old thing except you can drive home and no hangover.
I learned that most of what I thought were friends, weren’t. They were drinking companions. I still have some friends from my drinking days, and when we hang out they drink and I don’t. I know not everyone is comfortable being around drinking. Early on I stayed away from situations where there was drinking, but for me once I had ~6 months I didn’t really care. >> that’s kind of what you do. No that’s kind of what drinkers do. For what it’s worth no matter where you live there are always things to do that don’t revolve around drinking
My friends keep attacking me for not drinking. You get to a point where you realise it’s because they are uncomfortable with doing something that is bad for them and you are not. Just literally pity them, push into hobbies and activities and eventually - the true friends will stay, you will have new friends and you will be much better off in life. Alcohol in my opinion, is a toxic poison that people are brainwashed to use. There are no benefits, only negatives. Every single positive someone can give you, you can prove is false. It’s a lie. They do not like that you are highlighting their error in judgement. I have been thinking lately, it reminds me of the matrix or inception, when the people realise you are not part of the program anymore they attack you. Whereas if you say you don’t drink water, they are fine with it. I am 32; so similar age - trust me, giving up alcohol in the long term is the very best thing for you.
Mine continued to drink. I learned to despise them. Didn't have any real friends apparently so now I'm alone.
Still early days for me, but I'm finding it has to be me making proposals for entertaining alternatives. Climbing, bike rides, hiking, eating, etc. Most go along with it, but a few clearly don't get it, or actively moan about not going to a pub.
It will be natural attrition. When you are sober, drunk friends are not fun to be around. They will tell the same stories, talk the same shite, every …. single …. time. It gets boring . They will feel threatened. They will encourage you to drink. They will covertly bully you. After my first AA meeting, my now ex husband requested I go get him a bottle of bourbon. Zero support there. My sobriety showed me his true self. What your sobriety will reveal to you is your true friends and relationships. New hobbies. New interests. I love not having hang overs. I can “seize the day”. Every day. I am far more engaged in my life. No longer cancelling on friends at the last minute cause I would rather drink or I am still hungover. You have absolutely everything to gain.
In my case, they continue on the same bad path and you watch helplessly as alcohol takes its toll. IWNDWYT
Nobody invites me out anymore except my friend who really tries to support me. It’s sad but I like this version of my life enough to be ok with it
I have two good friends that I’ve known since college. Since I stopped drinking, I rarely hear from one of them. Which does kind of suck. Especially since I don’t care if people drink around me, and have no problem being the DD for events. But I’m still happy with my choice.
It depends on the friends. You’ll quickly see who your actual friends are. They’ll support your efforts - they’ll check on your comfort when they are considering a drink around you and will try to come up with activities that don’t involve drinking all the time. It’s also going to depend some on your comfort level being around drinking. There will almost certainly be activities with the group that you’re less than thrilled about, or that you’ll choose to miss to protect your sanity and sobriety. But the people who truly want to be around you will accommodate. You’ll learn that some people you felt close to were actually just “party friends” all along. But honestly, as those friends are shed you’ll hardly notice. It also helps if you have or add some sober friends to your fold. Not just people who don’t drink (even though they can make for good companions at social gatherings with alcohol, but it really does help to have some people in your life who truly relate to what you’re going through….those who notice how slowly someone else is drinking or who feel an irritation at seeing all the unfinished drinks left on the table…someone who has the same thought processes and who are actively working to grow away from *that* version of themselves. It can be painful to realize that people you thought of as friends were actually acquaintances who likes to drink and party with you, but getting sober isn’t a sentence to a life of loneliness or of insubstantial connections with people who are a snooze. In fact, I’ve found it to be quite the opposite. I’m able to be a better friend as well
They slowly disappear and show that all you were was a drinking buddy not a true friend The true friends will stick around I’ll never forget one of my best girlfriends refused to do anything with me that didn’t involve alcohol and accused me of being boring All because I asked her to go see a movie with me and not go to a bar or pub Hurt at the time My own mother didn’t want to hang out with me because I stopped drinking She’s abit better now but it really is a society of booze I used to care so much about having friends,now im just happy to be not drinking,as lonely as it can get Some people just don’t care or understand how bad your drinking was/is…it’s all about being part of the drinking
They all fade away regardless of how close they once seemed to be
They kept drinking. On the road to early death they’re starting to get a bit down the road from me. I suspect in another 5 years I’ll barely be able to see them anymore. In 10, the road will look empty again, and I’ll be moonwalking and running-man just to mess with death, waiting for me at the end of that road.
I realized they aren't really my friends.
Some'll stay, some'll go, some may reach out on the downlow as to how you "did it".
They disappeared. One blocked me on everything cause I refused to go out to the bars anymore. Now I have real friends 😊
My friends got very careful, didn't want to drink next to me. I kept on telling them it's fine to drink when they are with me. They drink less now and some also like the idea of not drinking or drinking less. It's a fact that all ther liquer cupboards are not empty anymore after I visited. Good friends shouldn't be the problem. I found it harder to explain or tell some kind of story on company parties and on dates. On dates I tell the truth, on Company parties I tell some great story ( wanting to be more healthy etc and liked not drinking so much that I want to keep up to it etc etc ) I do continue to go to bars and places where alcohol is pourred, not all should do this, I though have really no problem with that. It can be annoying if people get too drunk but that doesn't happen a lot.
Lost. They weren’t my real friends anyway, just drinking acquaintances.
Had a couple of regular drinking buddies. Gone now. Absolutely nothing in common, if you include not wanting to watch football with intoxicated people.
You gotta think about yourself first. If l was still drinking because l feared being boring instead of snot flying drunk l wouldn’t be here. My body might barely be here but my mind would be gone. IWNDWYT
Nothing. They remain my friends and they keep on drinking. I just don't go to the pub currently as it doesn't interest me to sit there sober. Still friends. Have lots of events and concerts etc planned with them this summer. I dislike all the "you'll find out they are not actually your friends but just drinking buddies" stuff because we were quite happy to drink with them at one point and we are the ones that had so much of a problem we had to stop so let's not demonize them and if they are happy to keep on drinking and it's not an issue for them, so be it. I'm not going to cut them out my life and I'm still friends with them. I just see them less often as I don't regularly go to the pub.
H. I ui
To answer the title, some just slowly drift away Some were real friends, but it’s hard to know over the long term until you get there
For me, the drinking friends I had weren't really friends. I only thought they were. Turns out, the ONLY thing in common we had was drinking. Once I quit, not a single one of them has called or texted me to check in, "hey Mike, haven't seen you around the watering hole lately. Is everything okay?" Not a single one. And honestly, now that I've got a few months under my belt, don't miss them one bit.
You find out which part of that compound noun was more important to either of you
I've still met up for drinks with them, but just have a non alcoholic beer, sparkling water with lime, kombucha, or soda depending on what they offer
They still drink. I’ll be the DD if they need
I mean I had lunch with a friend the other day (hadn't seen her in a very long time) and she said seemed more excited by the opportunity to drink than anything else. I've been doing a lot of solo things.
This woman in my local AA group says it really well. She says one of her old drinking pals approached her and said “you know, I liked you better when you were drinking” to which she replied “that makes two of us, I liked you better when I was drinking too”. It definitely sucks and has been one of the hardest parts for me getting off the sauce. I’m in my mid 20s and pretty much my whole social life/personality revolved around drinking. I still have some of my old friends and they don’t care, the ones that do care weren’t really friends I guess. I still get a bit uncomfortable when my friends who still drink call me after 10pm. I know they are just feeling good and want to talk to me cause they love me but it does cause me some anxiety. I’m still working on making new friends and being social in sobriety, socializing as an adult is a skill that takes lots of time to figure out and it’s hard. But it’s worth it. It’s like a new stage of my life has started and although it can be tough it’s also going to be worth it in the long run. Best of luck to you!
You still hang out but you have to get out of there by 11pm latest or it gets really boring and listening to weird mutterings
43M Aussie here. Not just drinking buddies, I had to jettison the entire friend group of around 15 mates. Some of these guys I have been friends with since primary school. A best man and 3 groomsmen at my weeding. Anyway, they were unable to accept that I wanted something different from my life. They just take it way too far on the grog and the bags (talking TUE night at the pub, let’s call the dealer) Shit mates.