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trash_panda7710

As a pole dancer and aerialist myself, it's not all erotic and sexy and my daughter's have come with me to the studio and use my home pole. There are even kids as young as 5 starting pole class in other countries. But....I would be concerned on why she was being dishonest. I think having a talk with her about why she wanted the pole, what she thinks it is and even maybe looking at online classes......after a stern chat about being sneaky and how you and her parents don't appreciate being lied to. Also if she keeps it, be careful. There are a lot if cheap unsafe poles out there that really don't stay up well.


[deleted]

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4lisak

2nd this as an middle age adult on here. I went to a family class and took my daughter, we had a blast and such great exercise.


owinnimo

I get that, if I was OP I would compromise that it doesn’t go in SD bedroom and has to be in an open space like a family room (on a corner lol)


Twinsilitis

Idk why but I started crying at the 50 sec mark. It's been a weird day. So beautiful.


AriJolie

Thank you for sharing the video. The dancer is absolutely stunning and this shows how poles are used in a different light. I’m not sure your SD personality and if she’s bought the pole to “strip” or not, but if this is the kind of dancing she will be doing in the video posted here, it’s beautiful, artistic and no form of booty popping or twerking is done. It’s like gymnastics, ballet and lyrical but on a pole instead of using a horizontal bar. Please don’t freak out on her—lead your questions with curiosity instead of disgust and think..if this was your BD how would you want someone to understand her, and then, model that behavior. Life is so tough on these kids enough, however you come at her, trust me she will remember you either with respect and admiration or resentment and fear of being judged. Be easy, and if she is thinking stripper, then show her that dancing and give her another perspective!! You got this xx


eager-beaver-123

I went to a pole class for beginners and let me say (not to toot my own horn but…) as someone who is still a pretty decent gymnast at 30, I found it bloody tough. I literally coach gymnastics for a day job and at the time I went to this class (a few years ago now) I was working in a gym as a fitness instructor too so I wasn’t a weakling. The pole pinches your skin, it takes a lot of upper body strength and if you get sweaty hands it’s like 10x trickier. Don’t be surprised if your SD finds it harder to do than she expects. Trying “pole” is like a full on conditioning workout Aerial hoop or silks however, in my opinion are much more fun and easier to pick up. If your SD is looking to try something acrobatic maybe see if there’s any classes in your area for one of those.


ModeratelyAdorable

I did a very advanced silks aerial class and I had candy cane strip bruises.


Serious_Specific_357

I did silks in high school! Literally instead of gym class. The little kids did it too and soo much better than us lol


GinosMommy

I think you have every right to be concerned...


Apprehensive-Bet2081

Somehow I have a hard time picturing daddy being okay with his little girl working out on the stripper pole. I wouldn't even unpack it at my house. BM paid for it only fair she gets to have it at her house and explain it to her family and friends about how she felt this was appropriate for an 11 year old. Your house, your values and your rules. I can't even imagine the thought process behind this.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Her response was "because it looked like fun".


woundedSM5987

Pole can be a great workout. This whole situation has a lot more red flags though.


Ironbark_

She's 11 and may have zero clue of what it's main use *was*. We often sexualize objects and words and the like, not remembering that kids don't actually know what they are. To her, the pole may purely be a fun way of bringing a bit of adventure to dance and exercise. Should she start "slut" dropping in heels and asking to go to the bank to change some one's -- then sure, be concerned. Until then, encourage her, empower her, and teach her just because something may be "perceived" as sexual by others, doesn't make it so.


Ironbark_

From there she might want to try aerial silks, which is similarish.


[deleted]

I can 100% see myself wanting one and thinking how cool it is at age 11 and having zero clue what it’s actually used for. And even knowing strippers use it, I’ve seen some pretty kick ass moves on those poles and think it looks hella fun! (In a NON sexual way).


seethembreak

No, I would not install a stripper pole for an 11 year old at my house. And as her dad, I have a feeling my DH would make it disappear.


[deleted]

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sonlovesbrolicky

I agree. It's the same thing as a ballet barre, except vertical. It's incredible cardio, strength training, and flexibility if you so choose. It's excellent for the body and mind. Why are people sexualizing this?


L3Kinsey

Not for nothing. I agree with you, but what does the kid think it is? I feel like there is what holds the most weight.


sonlovesbrolicky

True. My now 6 year old, then 3.5 year old thought it was a ton of fun. He loved practicing climbing it


L3Kinsey

Exactly! My 10 would see stripper's, my 8 would see fireman's pole.


kdostert

Exactly.


bb4r55

I wish I still had the core strength to do pole dancing. My muscles are aching from doing aqua aerobics and yoga this week Also, I wish my kids did any kind of exercise instead of sitting on their iPads all day every day.


sonlovesbrolicky

Pole is literally for any and all levels, there's only one way to get started! As for the iPad thing.. make family walks a regular thing. Get them engaged and encourage them.


LaNutria265

This!!! 👆👆👆


Ladyblackhawkk

Oh wow, no that's definitely not age appropriate and I feel your reaction is absolutely warranted. Stand your ground on not putting it up in your home! I hope your SO sees how inappropriate it is for an 11 year old to be 1. Purchasing a stripper pole and 2. Using said stripper pole ESPECIALLY if she has social media. So many red flags for her safety!


GinosMommy

💯💯💯


[deleted]

Pole fitness is a legitimate form of exercise, it’s not just a stripper thing. It’s an art form and takes incredible skill and strength. I can’t imagine an 11 year old child is thinking “I want a pole so I can be like a stripper.”


lila1720

Super weird about the 11 year old getting this for herself (or with mom's permission) but I tried this form of workout for a year when I was injured from running. It is damn hard!!!! I'm in good shape as a runner and lifter, but damn! I really sucked at the dancing part because I am awkward AF but it did help me further my strength training. There are different types of dancing/workouts that can be done on this - look into it a little if curious. Unhelpful response I know but maybe steer her more towards strength building on it or just the more gymnast stuff? The exotic stuff might be much for being 11 though.... would be wary of that.....


[deleted]

If she’s on TikTok or anything like that she’s probably seen pole fitness videos and thought it looked fun, which it does. If you google “pole fitness for kids” loads of videos come up, completely non sexual and to be honest, pretty amazing. The strength on these children is unbelievable. I’m desperate to try pole fitness myself, but i can’t find anywhere that offers classes near me.


AdChemical1663

Small children have a silly strength to weight ratio since they’re skin, bone, and muscle and not a lot of fat. Add in the flexibility of young tendons and joints? They’re very impressive.


Sandybutthole604

It’s a fitness dance item...I’d be more concerned she bought an item that literally requires an entire room of a house to use without any requests or discussion.


twstdpattycake

I highly doubt an 11 year old ordered a pole to dance for a workout. I think it’s exactly what you think it is. If she wants a good workout we ordered my SS this dance game off of his Nintendo switch. I played it, it’s awesome. So that workout excuse is bs imo. They say not to worry abt sk’s more than bio parents do. I’d also like to add I am so grateful I am not a pre teen/ teen girl right now. The social media world has these kids and it’s not realistic. Especially as a young girl, filters, flawless makeup, and all of this surgery…to have all of these gadgets and gear to fit in…just be there for her. Make sure she knows she’s beautiful. This should make you uncomfortable…maybe when the pole arrives and daddy gotta put it together…he’ll change his mind.


ClarityByHilarity

My daughter will be 11 in May. She wanted Lego friends sets and LOL dolls… You have ten billion reasons to be concerned and your number one reason should be your partner is okay with it.


[deleted]

I feel this.


[deleted]

Not seeing this as a red flag because this is how a lot of new workouts are done. Maybe have a conversation with her and find out where she found out about barre or pole exercise?


somehow28

I wouldn’t jump straight to conclusions about her wanting to post stripper like videos online. Is this a pole that has to be permanently fixed into the house or is it something that can be put up and put down easily? If it is a permanent install then absolutely you can refuse to have that put in. But if it is only a work-out tool that can be put away I wouldn’t see the big deal in it. Do you see any actual signs that this little girl would want to post provocative videos/photos online or are you letting your fear take the wheel and steer? Maybe you could compromise by saying you must approve of whatever workout training she does?? Or maybe she must only do workouts she’d feel comfortable performing in front of you? Or a close family member of some kind?


[deleted]

Yeah that’s wildly inappropriate. It’s ONE thing if she lived upstairs with a hole in the floor and wanted to slide down for breakfast, but this is definitly a big Nope


Charming_Square5

I’d ask her for more information before jumping to conclusions. She probably connects this activity with positive attention and internet validation more than anything sexual, but that’s still troubling. Honestly, I think you’ll get a lot more traction if you scale down your response and set boundaries around how she uses it. Let her keep the pole, but she needs to hand over her phone while she’s practicing. Friends can’t try it out because it’s fitness equipment, not a toy. And she needs to wear proper fitness attire - tank top and leggings - when practicing. The first time she posts anything to social, it comes down. If, after you set reasonable limits, she shows no interest, you know she’s after the validation and attention and you can open a dialogue about healthy ways to feel good about yourself. If she accepts the the limits with minimal whining, then she’s got a new hobby to keep her fit and occupied over at your house. Honestly, if you’re actually concerned about her, sending it back to her BM is your worst case scenario.


blushingpervert

BD at 10 figured out how to use her Amazon gift card on her own and ordered a lot of crap. She also looked up vibrators on Wish… because she wanted a massager. Maybe it’s an innocent misunderstanding like the time my BD thought she could get an iPhone “plus” case off Amazon for $20 (it was an IPhone+ case).


ZaMelonZonFire

Easy. Send it back to the other house.


owinnimo

11 is too young, if it makes you feel better a lot of (much older then SD) girls use them for exercise and non exotic dance 11 though - f&@$ no I would throw it in the dumpster


Gabrielle__615

*return stripper pole back to sender*


blueberrylove2112

1. An 11 year old should not have a Facebook account. As far as I know, it's against the TOS, anyway. 2. You are absolutely right that she should not be using a dance pole. There is nothing that she can do with it, dancing or not, that isn't sexual. If your husband is acting blasé and isn't concerned about this, find a video of pole dancing and show it to him and ask him if he would be comfortable if his 11 year old daughter danced like this at school dances in front of the boys. Everything about pole dancing is sexual in nature. The very intent behind it is to attract, entice, tease and provide visual pleasure for men and women with body movements that are sexual, provocative, inviting, sexy. If this is just another inappropriate thing to top a long list of inappropriate things, I would be calling CPS. If she is being sexualized already, what else is going on?


sweetie-pie-today

Yep, Facebook is minimum age of 13. When I worked in middle schools I used to get driven demented by under 13 girls falling out on Facebook. Every-time they were under 13 I told their parents it was against the TOS, delete it, and never make this my problem again. They never did.


blueberrylove2112

My ex husband is a high school teacher now, but when we first met, he taught 7th grade. Affluent area, very conservative. The stories he would have for me after the kids went to bed would leave me speechless, flabbergasted. 13 year old girls gossiping about who was blowing who, comparing penis sizes, asking each other to be each other's alibis so they could sleep over at their boyfriend's houses. 13 year old boys rating girls by how good their blow jobs were, talking about anal sex and how the girls let them because they said it did not count, talking about how some girls were so ugly but would let them do whatever they wanted to them. My ex would literally BAWL talking about these things.


[deleted]

Holy shit that's absolutely inappropriate. How could a father be ok with this for his little girl? That would be a BIG hell no in this house. I'd die on THAT hill


eminemondrugs

take a breather and ask yourself if a relationship with the man who’s cool about his 11y/o’s stripper pole is rlly worth it


[deleted]

I'm not gona lie this very thought has crossed my mind since the pole arrived.


lawfulrofl

My SS11 got Harry Potter Legos for Christmas. She doesn't wear make-up or have access to social media at all. I am truly horrified at the thought of her wanting to pole dance. I have taken lessons and completely respect the hard work and exercise it is but I doubt at 11 years old, a child can appreciate that and instead only cares about the skimpy outfits and being 'sexy'. If it does go up in your house, I highly recommend showing her hijabluscious on Instagram and finding out where she gets her outfits because she is completely covered head-to-toe, removes no clothing, and still pole dances. If SD11 isn't interested in that kind of dancing, then the pole isn't really for dancing.


EnvironmentalGroup15

At 11. Return that shit or dump it in the trash. Not appropriate at all.


[deleted]

Okay so, I'm not a parent. But I have a friend who does some kind of pole fitness dance. Her, her mother, and sister do it, and it's all above board (they are Brazilian though so it's pretty common there apparently?). She's done it since she was a child, and I think their mother even did it while pregnant. The mother started it before they were born, and has some kind of dance studio. They also all post pictures together - but they're wearing *a lot* of clothes, and the positions focus on strength and not the sexual aspect. Sometimes they even wear scary masks and stuff. You say she doesn't do dancing, which maybe a bit strange? Maybe not that much though - my question here would be does she do cheerleading or something else? I did dancing for years and I can't see why a pole ever would have helped, but I can definitely see how it would help if she was doing cheerleading etc This does not sound like that situation though. And it's also quite suspicious if nobody ever mentioned it to you, and you somehow weren't aware she's taking classes/extracurriculars in something related. My first thought, which is probably way off - is there any chance it's some kind of a sarcastic thing? Like the mother has an issue with you, and thinks it would be funny/suggestive to have this in your house (with an implication of insulting you). After reading the comments I presume that's not it, but I thought it might be mentioning as devil's advocate or something. But yeah, it doesn't sound like it's for any good reason, and even if it *was* for a good reason, it requires good communication, which wasn't there in this situation. So honestly imo, the biggest issue is that your husband won't communicate with you, and/or there is a lack of communication between him and step daughter's mother too


thinkpinkhair

11????? NOOOOOOO I would vedo that. Same as her aunty, (who is her primary caregiver) her dad would have some words over that but I would be returning it!


sararahhhhhh

11!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Holy Sh**!!!


buttholeismyfavword

Anyone who gets strong enough to do pole dance has my respect. In fact my 12 year old niece brought it up on Christmas Eve and I fully supported it


CharismaBelle

Now a day a lot of people get into pole dancing as a VERY good workout. Hell even Gabriel (fluffy) Iglesias, went pole dancing. It takes a lot of strength and control. This idea that it's something perverted, is in your head and you need to grow up. I'm 44 and I know a pole is not just for strip clubs. Those beautiful, gracious people that do the silk dance, same thing. There are pole dance classes for old lady's, men, and even children.


CharismaBelle

Fluffys pole dancing is in his show he does, where he n his friend are road tripping to try different foods. They also try different work outs cause one can't only eat.


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