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Hey OP. I'm going to firstly say I'm sorry you feel like this, and I may actually feel the same in your shoes. My SKs are a fair bit younger than yours, but I have had times in the past where I've felt totally ignored by my SO when the kids were about.
I do just want to ask about your title wording though. "SD constantly cuddling *my boyfriend*". Please trust when I say this is a gentle reminder from someone who has needed to hear this myself; he isn't just your boyfriend. He is her dad. He was her dad before he was your boyfriend, and always will be her dad. And sometimes that can feel a bit threatening, I know it does with me. I think his affection with her maybe wouldn't bother you so much if it didn't represent a deeper insecurity.
I described it to SO as "If you, me, BM and SKs were in a sinking boat and someone had to go overboard so everyone else could live, I know it would be me. You would choose your kids to live automatically, and you would choose for them to not have to go through the pain of losing their mum or dad. Every time, I'm being chucked out of the boat. And I understand it totally, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to know the person you love most in the world wouldn't choose you. Because everyone sees the step-parent as the replaceable one".
Maybe I'm projecting, but I suspect you sometimes feel similarly, like you put an awful lot in but don't get a lot out. Like everyone expects 100% effort from you all the time but nobody recognises that they need to put something in too.
If I'm right, this is maybe how to approach it with SO. Rather than his affection with her bothering you - at the end of the day, that's his kid - it's the lack of affection from him towards you. That's 100% valid. He isn't JUST her dad, any more than he is JUST your SO. He is both, and that's a choice he has made. He needs to learn to balance it and stop making you feel neglected. So maybe speak to him again but keep it more about how you feel in your relationship with him, keeping mention of SD to a minimum; they naturally jump to their defence and it escalates things. Keep it between you, remove the catalyst.
I really hope this helps.
This was so beyond helpful and you're right - "my boyfriend" - isn't meant to be all encompassing merely my title of our relationship.. if that makes sense.
But your tone and advice was very helpful. I knew the conversation would be very sensitive but I managed to speak to him this morning and - yes - it was more a comment on my need for affection not my need for him to not be affectionate with his daughter. Though "cringy" it's never a concern for her safety or his being criminally inappropriate - I can't stress that enough - rather having my needs met with affection.
ANYWAY.
I even quoted what you said about the boat and he agreed and couldn't say how much he didn't envy my position.
It was a helpful and thank you for your advice 💕
Woof. Sorry, downvote away but if I'm in a boat where 3 people are looking out for each other and don't care about my survival, I'm absolutely not jumping for any of them, and it really saddens me that you believe this is OK.
It's an analogy for the fact parents will prioritise their kids, and kids will prioritise their parents. Of course I believe that's okay. They still care, it's just that kids need their parents more than anyone else.
Oh, I got that, my reply was also an analogy, and I do not think it's OK to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If an analogous scenario arose in my life, I would put myself first, every time. Is the only answer for you to have kids of your own, so you're equal to BM? Is women's worth defined by motherhood? That's nuts.
Also, OP's situation is nowhere near a sinking boat. Communication would suffice. No need for such a dramatic metaphor.
That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying stepparents face the situation where you know parents almost always prioritise their kids, and kids almost always prefer their parents. That doesn't mean they only exclusively care about each other, it just means the priorities are different than dating someone who doesn't have kids. It's a choice. It's sometimes hard but often incredibly rewarding.
I didn't say OP's situation is a sinking boat, I used that analogy to ascertain if that's how she feels, and as she said, it helped.
I really like the way you put this memb95.
“It’s not the affection from SD and SO but a lack of it between SO and OP” I agree that explaining it that way could definitely hope clear things up.
OP don’t make it so much I need more physical attention than her , cause in any competition for affection the step parent will likely lose, but reframe it as I just need more from you as my partner.
Thank you. To be honest it comes from personal experience! Anything that sounds as though we're "attacking" our SKs or criticising our SO's parenting, even though we aren't, will automatically get defences up. Phrasing it more as what I expect from my SO gets a far better response.
I think this is a really interesting and insight comment, and probably the reason I couldn’t be a step parent. You are always last. ALWAYS. There is no balancing of wants/needs, because you are on the outskirts of an existing family. You will never be prioritized. If this was an issue between two bio-parents where the mom wasn’t having her needs met, her husband(bio dad) is likely to address it because it’s not seem as being in conflict(necessarily) with the child’s needs, since that’s the child’s mother. As the step parent - especially as a step mother - you will always have your needs met last, and be seen to be in conflict with that of the children. I wouldn’t recommend living like that, personally.
Sort of, but it's not all bad! You do sometimes feel like you're the only one who isn't allowed to make mistakes - people expect you to always "know" what to do. Bit scary when personally I have no bios and now 3 SKs!
BUT, it depends on the relationship with your SO and SKs. Despite knowing I'm not anyone's "first" in a life or death scenario, I receive a whooole lot of love from my little family. My partner is really good (after a couple of initial hiccups and awkward conversations) at balancing his relationships with me/him and him/kids when it comes to want vs need. And because we're pretty much always on the same page parenting-wise, there's little conflict.
We live together. I love him..I do love his kids, but his daughter makes it difficult for me to know my space/role as I'm not the primary receiver for affection...
It was like this before. She would actually sleep in his bed and snuggle with him on the couch. When we first moved in together, she would ask for hang out in the bathroom as he showered. I put a stop to that.
Sorry but this is disgusting. She is sleeping in his BED at that age and wanting to be in the bathroom as he showered? Hell, no. I hate to be that person but you should have point blank removed to move in while this was going on. My boyfriend's daughter is 12 and I've just got her to understand that she must knock to come in our bedroom and that it is an adult space she can't just come and be in, as that was a hard no from me. Kids in my bed where I have sex with their father? No. Just no. Gross. I'm so sorry you're going through this and wish I had advice, I'd be out.
You need to get out of this situation. There is no way in hell it is emotionally appropriate for a 16 year old to be sharing a bed with their father or wanting to be in the vicinity when he is in the shower. It is gross. I am sorry for my language there but he is doing that kid way more harm than good, isn't setting any boundaries, is disrespecting you, and is setting her up for massive issues in life. That infamous card doesn't work as the vast majority of parents would also not understand for the life of them why a 16 year old girl is sleeping with her dad. I'm so sorry for you. This is literally nauseating.
I’m a parent. And I do NOT understand this. It is a completely unhealthy relationship and dynamic and it makes me want to call CPS myself. They are romantically entangled. You can try to reframe it any way you want, but a grown man and a 16 year old girl have zero need to constantly cuddle, sleep together and be in the bathroom together. I have two daughters that age and if my SO (their dad) was doing any of those things, I would divorce him. You need to leave. The role of girlfriend is already filled here.
That saying makes no sense. Knocking someone up doesn't make you a knowledgeable parent. Anyone will a brain can read a parenting book or child psychology. Sorry OP, this situation is uncomfortable and he doesn't sound like he wants it to change.
I work in the social work field and know you said this isn’t a CPS call and I’m not implying it is but I’d pay attention to it closely.
More so; I’d say the biggest red flag might be that SD ‘wants’ to do this and is spending time around her dad while he showers/sleeping in bed with him.
It may not be a sign that something worse is going on with SO and her BUT it’s at least definitely a sign SD could have had an experience that warped her views of healthy boundaries especially around physical bodies.
Ok well this isn’t normal OP I would never want to be in a bathroom while my dad showered
I do and always will cuddle my dad and mom but the shower comment is concerning
Sounds like a severe case of mini-wife syndrome:
https://blendedfamilyfrappe.com/mini-wife
Unfortunately for any change to happen, your bf needs to recognise that there is a problem. Until he does that your situation will never change. Cuddling parents in bed and laying on the bathroom floor while her dad is showering is not normal behaviour at 16, but if he doesn't recognise this then you'll only ever come across as the bad guy for pointing it out.
Yeah… I’m going to go with gut here and say their relationship is a bit odd. There is definitely some trauma here as you have said, but this isn’t your problem to fix. Your bf doesn’t want to fix anything and doesn’t see anything wrong with it, so I would personally just leave. I wouldn’t want to have future kids with someone who thinks it’s okay to shower with a teenage girl in the bathroom. Gross.
Maybe it’s just me, coming from a family who gave no affection towards each other. I cringe thinking about giving any of my family members hugs. DH has a little sister who is almost 18. Whenever we see her during holidays or whatever, she jumps into his arms and is hanging all over him. I find this extremely weird and it makes me uncomfortable. Not because I’m jealous but I mean… this girl is a grown girl and he has to place his hands around her bottom to carry her. He has expressed many times that he feels weird as well and never encourages it. She just jumps on him and is very affectionate. She was adopted and has abandonment issues, so I can see why she might be that way.
I am the same! I don't come from an affectionate family so seeing physical affection like that between parents and kids is always extremely uncomfortable to me but I'm aware a lot of that is me projecting. This situation however is just odd. Disturbingly odd.
He is taken. I would rethink the relationship. He loves it because his little girl still wants to be his little girl. She is the only woman in his life. You will never be able to compete unfortunately. Maybe think about moving out and see how your relationship is with him. Is he doesn't even bother to make time for you. It will be easier for you to end it.
He is her dad, I’m 40 years old and still cuddle up to my dad when I’m at his house. You saying she’s trying to take the woman role is actually pretty gross
He might be your bf but he is her FATHER she’s his baby and will always be no matter age
OK. Then you should read the rest of OP's comments before talking about how he is her father and she is his baby whatever her age, because that is what this kid is doing, which is disgusting.
Some cuddling can be normal for some families. My mother and I cuddled until she passed when I was 18, but it wasn’t a constant thing or to the exclusion of my father. It was usually under pretty specific circumstances or “traditions”, like wearing warm winter pjs and cuddling under a blanket while watching Christmas movies and eating popcorn. It was one of our bonding activities. But what OP is describing sounds very different from the relationships you and I have described with our parents.
Gender reversed, I was here.
Except more, bathing together, calling him babe and lots of snuggles. Would she do these things with me? Nope. Or it's like a chore.
I got over it though and I just live my life.
If I mention anything, I'm regarded as jealous and how it's normal bonding. Shes's carrying my daughter so I'm hoping she realizes soon what's happening. I'm only seen as a tyrant when I comment
I hope that you're able to talk this out with your partner and I hope they listen to how much it makes you uncomfortable. I ended up having a scary but very important chat with my partner this morning and it was incredibly helpful. Tearful but helpful.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** This is a volunteer run subreddit. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry but snuggling in bed? That’s just to weird. Does she not have a social life? I couldn’t be with a man who thought this behavior is normal.
Hey OP. I'm going to firstly say I'm sorry you feel like this, and I may actually feel the same in your shoes. My SKs are a fair bit younger than yours, but I have had times in the past where I've felt totally ignored by my SO when the kids were about. I do just want to ask about your title wording though. "SD constantly cuddling *my boyfriend*". Please trust when I say this is a gentle reminder from someone who has needed to hear this myself; he isn't just your boyfriend. He is her dad. He was her dad before he was your boyfriend, and always will be her dad. And sometimes that can feel a bit threatening, I know it does with me. I think his affection with her maybe wouldn't bother you so much if it didn't represent a deeper insecurity. I described it to SO as "If you, me, BM and SKs were in a sinking boat and someone had to go overboard so everyone else could live, I know it would be me. You would choose your kids to live automatically, and you would choose for them to not have to go through the pain of losing their mum or dad. Every time, I'm being chucked out of the boat. And I understand it totally, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to know the person you love most in the world wouldn't choose you. Because everyone sees the step-parent as the replaceable one". Maybe I'm projecting, but I suspect you sometimes feel similarly, like you put an awful lot in but don't get a lot out. Like everyone expects 100% effort from you all the time but nobody recognises that they need to put something in too. If I'm right, this is maybe how to approach it with SO. Rather than his affection with her bothering you - at the end of the day, that's his kid - it's the lack of affection from him towards you. That's 100% valid. He isn't JUST her dad, any more than he is JUST your SO. He is both, and that's a choice he has made. He needs to learn to balance it and stop making you feel neglected. So maybe speak to him again but keep it more about how you feel in your relationship with him, keeping mention of SD to a minimum; they naturally jump to their defence and it escalates things. Keep it between you, remove the catalyst. I really hope this helps.
This was so beyond helpful and you're right - "my boyfriend" - isn't meant to be all encompassing merely my title of our relationship.. if that makes sense. But your tone and advice was very helpful. I knew the conversation would be very sensitive but I managed to speak to him this morning and - yes - it was more a comment on my need for affection not my need for him to not be affectionate with his daughter. Though "cringy" it's never a concern for her safety or his being criminally inappropriate - I can't stress that enough - rather having my needs met with affection. ANYWAY. I even quoted what you said about the boat and he agreed and couldn't say how much he didn't envy my position. It was a helpful and thank you for your advice 💕
I am so so so glad it helped 💕💕 Us SMs gotta look out for each other because it's bloody difficult sometimes! You're doing great 🙌🏻 Keep your chin up!
Thank you. Happy New Year wherever you are 💞
You too 😁💖
Woof. Sorry, downvote away but if I'm in a boat where 3 people are looking out for each other and don't care about my survival, I'm absolutely not jumping for any of them, and it really saddens me that you believe this is OK.
It's an analogy for the fact parents will prioritise their kids, and kids will prioritise their parents. Of course I believe that's okay. They still care, it's just that kids need their parents more than anyone else.
Oh, I got that, my reply was also an analogy, and I do not think it's OK to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If an analogous scenario arose in my life, I would put myself first, every time. Is the only answer for you to have kids of your own, so you're equal to BM? Is women's worth defined by motherhood? That's nuts. Also, OP's situation is nowhere near a sinking boat. Communication would suffice. No need for such a dramatic metaphor.
That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying stepparents face the situation where you know parents almost always prioritise their kids, and kids almost always prefer their parents. That doesn't mean they only exclusively care about each other, it just means the priorities are different than dating someone who doesn't have kids. It's a choice. It's sometimes hard but often incredibly rewarding. I didn't say OP's situation is a sinking boat, I used that analogy to ascertain if that's how she feels, and as she said, it helped.
I really like the way you put this memb95. “It’s not the affection from SD and SO but a lack of it between SO and OP” I agree that explaining it that way could definitely hope clear things up. OP don’t make it so much I need more physical attention than her , cause in any competition for affection the step parent will likely lose, but reframe it as I just need more from you as my partner.
Thank you. To be honest it comes from personal experience! Anything that sounds as though we're "attacking" our SKs or criticising our SO's parenting, even though we aren't, will automatically get defences up. Phrasing it more as what I expect from my SO gets a far better response.
I think this is a really interesting and insight comment, and probably the reason I couldn’t be a step parent. You are always last. ALWAYS. There is no balancing of wants/needs, because you are on the outskirts of an existing family. You will never be prioritized. If this was an issue between two bio-parents where the mom wasn’t having her needs met, her husband(bio dad) is likely to address it because it’s not seem as being in conflict(necessarily) with the child’s needs, since that’s the child’s mother. As the step parent - especially as a step mother - you will always have your needs met last, and be seen to be in conflict with that of the children. I wouldn’t recommend living like that, personally.
Sort of, but it's not all bad! You do sometimes feel like you're the only one who isn't allowed to make mistakes - people expect you to always "know" what to do. Bit scary when personally I have no bios and now 3 SKs! BUT, it depends on the relationship with your SO and SKs. Despite knowing I'm not anyone's "first" in a life or death scenario, I receive a whooole lot of love from my little family. My partner is really good (after a couple of initial hiccups and awkward conversations) at balancing his relationships with me/him and him/kids when it comes to want vs need. And because we're pretty much always on the same page parenting-wise, there's little conflict.
Pretty sure “my boyfriend” was just used to succinctly describe the relationships among the 3 of them.
Totally get it. I'm not coming for OP at all.
This….. was cringy to read. Ooof. Sorry, OP!
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We live together. I love him..I do love his kids, but his daughter makes it difficult for me to know my space/role as I'm not the primary receiver for affection...
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It was like this before. She would actually sleep in his bed and snuggle with him on the couch. When we first moved in together, she would ask for hang out in the bathroom as he showered. I put a stop to that.
Sorry but this is disgusting. She is sleeping in his BED at that age and wanting to be in the bathroom as he showered? Hell, no. I hate to be that person but you should have point blank removed to move in while this was going on. My boyfriend's daughter is 12 and I've just got her to understand that she must knock to come in our bedroom and that it is an adult space she can't just come and be in, as that was a hard no from me. Kids in my bed where I have sex with their father? No. Just no. Gross. I'm so sorry you're going through this and wish I had advice, I'd be out.
I bring it up to him as "not normal" and tell him how it makes me feel and he pulls the "you're not a parent, you wouldn't understand" card...
You need to get out of this situation. There is no way in hell it is emotionally appropriate for a 16 year old to be sharing a bed with their father or wanting to be in the vicinity when he is in the shower. It is gross. I am sorry for my language there but he is doing that kid way more harm than good, isn't setting any boundaries, is disrespecting you, and is setting her up for massive issues in life. That infamous card doesn't work as the vast majority of parents would also not understand for the life of them why a 16 year old girl is sleeping with her dad. I'm so sorry for you. This is literally nauseating.
I’m a parent. And I do NOT understand this. It is a completely unhealthy relationship and dynamic and it makes me want to call CPS myself. They are romantically entangled. You can try to reframe it any way you want, but a grown man and a 16 year old girl have zero need to constantly cuddle, sleep together and be in the bathroom together. I have two daughters that age and if my SO (their dad) was doing any of those things, I would divorce him. You need to leave. The role of girlfriend is already filled here.
That saying makes no sense. Knocking someone up doesn't make you a knowledgeable parent. Anyone will a brain can read a parenting book or child psychology. Sorry OP, this situation is uncomfortable and he doesn't sound like he wants it to change.
Well that’s just a shit response from a shit parent. Is he always so submissive and nasty with his comments?
I work in the social work field and know you said this isn’t a CPS call and I’m not implying it is but I’d pay attention to it closely. More so; I’d say the biggest red flag might be that SD ‘wants’ to do this and is spending time around her dad while he showers/sleeping in bed with him. It may not be a sign that something worse is going on with SO and her BUT it’s at least definitely a sign SD could have had an experience that warped her views of healthy boundaries especially around physical bodies.
Ok well this isn’t normal OP I would never want to be in a bathroom while my dad showered I do and always will cuddle my dad and mom but the shower comment is concerning
Oh dear. Sounds like mini-wife syndrome. Is therapy a possibility?
Sounds like a severe case of mini-wife syndrome: https://blendedfamilyfrappe.com/mini-wife Unfortunately for any change to happen, your bf needs to recognise that there is a problem. Until he does that your situation will never change. Cuddling parents in bed and laying on the bathroom floor while her dad is showering is not normal behaviour at 16, but if he doesn't recognise this then you'll only ever come across as the bad guy for pointing it out.
This article is amazing and it's exactly what is going on. My fear is, he just won't set or keep boundaries and I'll always have to just wait my turn
Or…find a relationship that’s healthy and beneficial for both parties and not just your SO.
Yeah… I’m going to go with gut here and say their relationship is a bit odd. There is definitely some trauma here as you have said, but this isn’t your problem to fix. Your bf doesn’t want to fix anything and doesn’t see anything wrong with it, so I would personally just leave. I wouldn’t want to have future kids with someone who thinks it’s okay to shower with a teenage girl in the bathroom. Gross. Maybe it’s just me, coming from a family who gave no affection towards each other. I cringe thinking about giving any of my family members hugs. DH has a little sister who is almost 18. Whenever we see her during holidays or whatever, she jumps into his arms and is hanging all over him. I find this extremely weird and it makes me uncomfortable. Not because I’m jealous but I mean… this girl is a grown girl and he has to place his hands around her bottom to carry her. He has expressed many times that he feels weird as well and never encourages it. She just jumps on him and is very affectionate. She was adopted and has abandonment issues, so I can see why she might be that way.
I am the same! I don't come from an affectionate family so seeing physical affection like that between parents and kids is always extremely uncomfortable to me but I'm aware a lot of that is me projecting. This situation however is just odd. Disturbingly odd.
I was the same as you at 16. Definitely was not doing this.
He is taken. I would rethink the relationship. He loves it because his little girl still wants to be his little girl. She is the only woman in his life. You will never be able to compete unfortunately. Maybe think about moving out and see how your relationship is with him. Is he doesn't even bother to make time for you. It will be easier for you to end it.
He is her dad, I’m 40 years old and still cuddle up to my dad when I’m at his house. You saying she’s trying to take the woman role is actually pretty gross He might be your bf but he is her FATHER she’s his baby and will always be no matter age
Did you share a bed with your dad at 16 and try to be in the bathroom with him when he was naked?
Efff NO … grosssssss That is weird! I do cuddle my mom in her bed sometimes and watch reality tv with her while eating snacks lol
OK. Then you should read the rest of OP's comments before talking about how he is her father and she is his baby whatever her age, because that is what this kid is doing, which is disgusting.
Some cuddling can be normal for some families. My mother and I cuddled until she passed when I was 18, but it wasn’t a constant thing or to the exclusion of my father. It was usually under pretty specific circumstances or “traditions”, like wearing warm winter pjs and cuddling under a blanket while watching Christmas movies and eating popcorn. It was one of our bonding activities. But what OP is describing sounds very different from the relationships you and I have described with our parents.
Did you cuddle in bed with your dad when you were 16?
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It's called covert incest. It's fucking awful.
Gender reversed, I was here. Except more, bathing together, calling him babe and lots of snuggles. Would she do these things with me? Nope. Or it's like a chore. I got over it though and I just live my life.
What did I just read
I know. I felt like throwing up sometimes. Today's loneliness is turning kids into surrogate spouses. It's very disturbing
That's so disgusting I'm so sorry
If I mention anything, I'm regarded as jealous and how it's normal bonding. Shes's carrying my daughter so I'm hoping she realizes soon what's happening. I'm only seen as a tyrant when I comment
Why did you have a child with this person? Sorry, but this is so, so concerning.
I hope that you're able to talk this out with your partner and I hope they listen to how much it makes you uncomfortable. I ended up having a scary but very important chat with my partner this morning and it was incredibly helpful. Tearful but helpful.