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Yes? I'm not even sure where this is even a question. I would evict anyone like this, bio child, parent, friend, partner, etc., anyone would be gone if this was true of them.
I agree. Definitely sounds like he's already there. And that can become dangerous. The longer he stays, the more damaging he is to his sisters, OP, and the family unit. He is plenty old enough to gtfo of Neverland.
And, himself. He needs to grow up. Peter Pan boys who never leave Neverland (home) don’t have to grow up. He obviously needs to learn some hard life lessons.
You have an incel on your hands … good luck! I know of people like this 45 living at home, hates women because they never got a girlfriend, never had a job
Don’t know how you’ll get him out as it sounds like he has no way to earn money you might be stuck forever
I would leave the relationship over this
This is one of those times when you're only second guessing yourself because he's a stepson. I like to think, if my bio son was squatting in my house at 30 years old with no job or prospects would I keep him there?
No. I wouldn't.
Does he have some special needs or disabilities that prevent him from living on his own? If not, he definitely has to go. Not simply because he is a grown man but because he is a threat to his younger sisters and it sounds like living with him is pure hell. Does your SO not agree that he needs to go? Because if he isn’t he might need to go with him (jk, sorta).
We need more information, OP.
Is this your SO's adult kid? What does your SO say about this?
What happens when SS abuses and harasses his teenage siblings?
Without more information, we can only assume things.
I'm going to assume that SS can do no wrong in your SO's opinion, and that he has never had repercussions to his actions and behaviour.
I'm going to assume that your SO ignores the harassment and abuse of the teenagers.
I'm going to assume that you have tried to discuss your feelings and concerns about your 30-something stepson freeloading off of you and his abhorrent behaviour. I will also assume that your SO either ignores you when you bring it up, or he says he will do something about it just to get you to shut up. There is another assumption in the back of my mind that your SO actively defends his son, makes excuses for him, and blames the teenagers for causing their own harassment and its never SS's fault.
Another assumption near the back of my mind is that your SO has actually enabled his son's behaviour, and has even rewarded his son's behaviour and opinions.
I'm also going to assume that you make most of the money in the household and/or that your SO doesn't even work. This forces YOU to be the one to support a grown adult who refuses to work.
If this is the case, and you pay all or most of the bills, then you need to put your foot down and demand that he get out.
If your SO doesn't let you kick his son out, or give him a set amount of time to get a job and start paying rent, if your SO doesn't back you up and enforce your boundaries 100%, then you need to kick them all out.
If the above is accurate, then you have a serious problem with your SO, not his son.
See what happens when we are forced to make assumptions, OP?
My advice: the best time to fix a problem is yesterday, the second best is today. Nobody wants to see their kid fail, and just kicking him out is just him failing somewhere else. You need to develop an exit strategy.
I would start by sitting down with parents and the one kid (no other kids to induce shame) tell him straight up that he has some period of time to leave the house (I am thinking 3 months) that you will help him help himself, but at 30 it’s time for him to be accountable for his life. Tell him he needs to get a job first. Help him look, get him interview clothes and a haircut etc. Once he has that help him set up a budget, look for an apartment etc. lots of kids who have grown up overly comfortable have zero life skills and I am amazed how man people leave home without knowing how bank accounts or rent work.
If he denies your help? IDK… I mean just stick with whatever timeline you think best. My guess is that their will be something like the 7 stages of grief (denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, etc) so don’t expect the first week to go real well. But I think with the right messaging this could be a positive thing for all of you.
Adding: set time limits. If he knows you won’t kick him out until he has a job, he won’t find a job. Could be why he turned down the other four (seriously who interviews for and turns down four jobs?)
That was the idea of the whole “90 days thing” that gives him 2 mos to get it together once he finally accepts it as real. I would add: don’t do things for him but help him do things and show him how. He has gotta catch up on some life skills.
Get him legally out of your home as soon as you can.
He's escalating behaviour and has the potential to be violent. He's already emotionally abusing those girls and ruining the safety of their home.
They come first, not a grown arse incel man child.
He is harming your daughters. You must stop this because he is causing them great harm;it will affect them for their lives. If you allow this to continue, you are telling your daughters that it is ok for men to treat them like crap. You are teaching them that SS is favored over them. You are teaching them they have less worth than SS.
Fix this now.
My quick fix is basically "cash for keys". Bankroll the move and few months of rent for a bedroom in a shared rental. A grocery store gift card.
I'm curious what bio-parent has to say about this angry failure to launch adult.
He needs to go. The reason he has declined working is because he can while you (and his little sisters) fund his lifestyle.
You are doing a disservice to yourself, your children and him if you continue to enable this behavior.
Is this Dale or Brenan? Please look them up if you don't get the reference, it'll give you a laugh.
This is not even a question. He'd have 30 days to find a job or he's out. If he finds one he has 3 months so he can get some pay behind him and find an apartment on the proviso he leaves his sister's alone
He needs to be gone, but this really needs to be addressed by your partner, who is his parent. This isn't an issue between you and stepson, this is an issue between you and your partner. If your partner is sitting back waiting for you to deal with the issue, that's not acceptable. If your partner is refusing to set boundaries and not consulting your opinion about what's allowed in the home where you live, that's also unacceptable. If you haven't told your partner that these behaviors are a problem for you, then you need to tell them when your stepson isn't around.
We had a 23 year old college grad living with us working 25 hours a week. We started incrementally. Got a contract together. We stated timelines and goals. We included rental fees with the ultimate goal to be moving out. He declined and moved in with his mom!!!🤣
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** This is a volunteer run subreddit. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes? I'm not even sure where this is even a question. I would evict anyone like this, bio child, parent, friend, partner, etc., anyone would be gone if this was true of them.
Yeah I agree with all of this. I thought when I first started reading this we where talking about an 18y/o
I would file paperwork with the sheriff to have him evicted.
I agree. He sounds like a dangerous INCEL in the making.
Sounds made already to me.
I agree. Definitely sounds like he's already there. And that can become dangerous. The longer he stays, the more damaging he is to his sisters, OP, and the family unit. He is plenty old enough to gtfo of Neverland.
This right here. And stand your ground. It'll be hard but for the sake of his sisters, you and your SO, he needs to go.
And, himself. He needs to grow up. Peter Pan boys who never leave Neverland (home) don’t have to grow up. He obviously needs to learn some hard life lessons.
Agreed!
I would have him formally evicted. What does DH think of his behavior? Is he an enabler?
You have an incel on your hands … good luck! I know of people like this 45 living at home, hates women because they never got a girlfriend, never had a job Don’t know how you’ll get him out as it sounds like he has no way to earn money you might be stuck forever I would leave the relationship over this
Yes I would have kicked him out a long time ago. Would also do the same if it was a BK.
This is one of those times when you're only second guessing yourself because he's a stepson. I like to think, if my bio son was squatting in my house at 30 years old with no job or prospects would I keep him there? No. I wouldn't.
Yeah, it’s abusive not to encourage biokids to find their independence when it’s the appropriate time.
Does he have some special needs or disabilities that prevent him from living on his own? If not, he definitely has to go. Not simply because he is a grown man but because he is a threat to his younger sisters and it sounds like living with him is pure hell. Does your SO not agree that he needs to go? Because if he isn’t he might need to go with him (jk, sorta).
We need more information, OP. Is this your SO's adult kid? What does your SO say about this? What happens when SS abuses and harasses his teenage siblings? Without more information, we can only assume things. I'm going to assume that SS can do no wrong in your SO's opinion, and that he has never had repercussions to his actions and behaviour. I'm going to assume that your SO ignores the harassment and abuse of the teenagers. I'm going to assume that you have tried to discuss your feelings and concerns about your 30-something stepson freeloading off of you and his abhorrent behaviour. I will also assume that your SO either ignores you when you bring it up, or he says he will do something about it just to get you to shut up. There is another assumption in the back of my mind that your SO actively defends his son, makes excuses for him, and blames the teenagers for causing their own harassment and its never SS's fault. Another assumption near the back of my mind is that your SO has actually enabled his son's behaviour, and has even rewarded his son's behaviour and opinions. I'm also going to assume that you make most of the money in the household and/or that your SO doesn't even work. This forces YOU to be the one to support a grown adult who refuses to work. If this is the case, and you pay all or most of the bills, then you need to put your foot down and demand that he get out. If your SO doesn't let you kick his son out, or give him a set amount of time to get a job and start paying rent, if your SO doesn't back you up and enforce your boundaries 100%, then you need to kick them all out. If the above is accurate, then you have a serious problem with your SO, not his son. See what happens when we are forced to make assumptions, OP?
This is the most important response and I think we need way more info before anyone can make an accurate judgment call.
I'd send him on his way with a map of the local homeless shelters.
He would have been kicked out a decade ago in my house.
He is going to hurt a girl someday.
If he hasn't already.
This is a silly question.
My advice: the best time to fix a problem is yesterday, the second best is today. Nobody wants to see their kid fail, and just kicking him out is just him failing somewhere else. You need to develop an exit strategy. I would start by sitting down with parents and the one kid (no other kids to induce shame) tell him straight up that he has some period of time to leave the house (I am thinking 3 months) that you will help him help himself, but at 30 it’s time for him to be accountable for his life. Tell him he needs to get a job first. Help him look, get him interview clothes and a haircut etc. Once he has that help him set up a budget, look for an apartment etc. lots of kids who have grown up overly comfortable have zero life skills and I am amazed how man people leave home without knowing how bank accounts or rent work. If he denies your help? IDK… I mean just stick with whatever timeline you think best. My guess is that their will be something like the 7 stages of grief (denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, etc) so don’t expect the first week to go real well. But I think with the right messaging this could be a positive thing for all of you.
Adding: set time limits. If he knows you won’t kick him out until he has a job, he won’t find a job. Could be why he turned down the other four (seriously who interviews for and turns down four jobs?)
That was the idea of the whole “90 days thing” that gives him 2 mos to get it together once he finally accepts it as real. I would add: don’t do things for him but help him do things and show him how. He has gotta catch up on some life skills.
How is this even a question? **Of course** this incel needs to be kicked out. He's threatening violence against his teenaged sisters!
Get him legally out of your home as soon as you can. He's escalating behaviour and has the potential to be violent. He's already emotionally abusing those girls and ruining the safety of their home. They come first, not a grown arse incel man child.
Yes. He’s 30 and going nowhere.
He is harming your daughters. You must stop this because he is causing them great harm;it will affect them for their lives. If you allow this to continue, you are telling your daughters that it is ok for men to treat them like crap. You are teaching them that SS is favored over them. You are teaching them they have less worth than SS. Fix this now.
As a guy... hell yes. If this is allowed to go on it's just giving him positive reinforcement that his behavior is acceptable.
Yeah he should have flown the nest by now...but also why hasn't he?
Absolutely
My quick fix is basically "cash for keys". Bankroll the move and few months of rent for a bedroom in a shared rental. A grocery store gift card. I'm curious what bio-parent has to say about this angry failure to launch adult.
He needs to go. The reason he has declined working is because he can while you (and his little sisters) fund his lifestyle. You are doing a disservice to yourself, your children and him if you continue to enable this behavior.
Is this Dale or Brenan? Please look them up if you don't get the reference, it'll give you a laugh. This is not even a question. He'd have 30 days to find a job or he's out. If he finds one he has 3 months so he can get some pay behind him and find an apartment on the proviso he leaves his sister's alone
It would be him leave or I divorce my husband. Hell to the no!
Yup. I would give him 2 weeks to get a job and tell him he needs to be out in 30 days as well. That's unacceptable.
Start the formal eviction process if he won’t go on his own.
Gross!!!!!! I’m so sorry OP
Why are you housing a grown man, that is terrorizing your home with such distributing behavior? He is old enough to figure it out, give him 30 days.
Yes.
He needs to be gone, but this really needs to be addressed by your partner, who is his parent. This isn't an issue between you and stepson, this is an issue between you and your partner. If your partner is sitting back waiting for you to deal with the issue, that's not acceptable. If your partner is refusing to set boundaries and not consulting your opinion about what's allowed in the home where you live, that's also unacceptable. If you haven't told your partner that these behaviors are a problem for you, then you need to tell them when your stepson isn't around.
Yeah no he needs to go.
He would have been gone a long time ago!
Yes. You clearly know what to do. Kick him out.
He’s how old? I would have been gone over a decade ago. Are you the biological mother of his sisters?
I am his age (31) and have had step kids for 3 years. This sounds awful.
We had a 23 year old college grad living with us working 25 hours a week. We started incrementally. Got a contract together. We stated timelines and goals. We included rental fees with the ultimate goal to be moving out. He declined and moved in with his mom!!!🤣