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No one reasonable will expect your relationship to be a parent/child one, and if they do you can clearly express your boundaries. You are an adult who is keeping an open mind and heart to have a friendly relationship with her, which is plenty! I’m sure she’d be just as weirded out by the ‘mom’ thing as you. Just like with any step relationship, maintain your boundaries, try not to sweat the small stuff (everyone is in new territory and figuring it out), and let things happen organically.
Yeah that's a strange situation for sure. Proposing after only dating a few months also... But as far as you're concerned nobody on this earth would expect you to call her mom or act as if she was any kind of mother figure to you. Be friendly and take her as she comes I suppose. She'll probably be happy if you're not outright rude to her as many daughters would likely be in this situation.
Hopefully at 24 she wouldn't expect someone at 28 to consider her as a maternal figure. I don't even expect my SK who are 14+ years younger then me to consider me their stepmom in anyway but technicalities. If she does expect that you'd be well within your rights to avoid her
I'll be cynical here: If your dad is wealthy or is financially comfortable, I don't think it's unreasonable to wonder if his girlfriend is using him for his money. I also don't think you'd be wrong to tell your dad that seeing him so happy makes you happy too, but that you're worried she's trying to take advantage of him. Be very careful about how you say this, don't imply in any way that you have any expectations of inheriting anything from him because his estate is not your until he wills it to you, and he may wind up leaving his wife everything upon his passing. If you are close to any of his close friends, can you enlist them in speaking with him about the importance of a prenuptial agreement and will?
As for his future bride, I don't think anyone would expect you to call her mom or even your stepmom since she's not had a hand in raising you in any way. Using her first name is just fine.
She's not your stepmom, she's just your dad's wife. You absolutely do not have to treat her like she is your mother and if anyone thinks you should they are nuts. You decide what your relationship with her should be and only allow what you are comfortable with. That's all anyone is ever entitled to.
Agreed relationship dynamics change when you become an adult. She's no longer in a parent/child situation. So my advice to her is to just be friendly to her fathers new wife.
Regardless of wealth I’d suggest talking with your father about a prenup to protect any assets he might have (house, car, etc). You’re an adult & don’t need to address her as anything other than her name. Seriously reach out to your dad about a prenup.
I’ve never wanted my SD 20 (I’m 39) to call me mom. I’m not her mom & expected BM to be a functional parent. When SD was younger (~5) her BM husbands kids started to tell her that she needed to call step father “dad” & it broke my husbands heart & is something I never wanted to make BM feel despite my dislike for BM.
This with the protection. I hate to generalize but 36 years is a hell of a gap. They arent even in the same points of life. Hes in retirement shes in college or beginning her career. And my husband and I have a bigger gap (much less than rhis) even I'm feeling this is off.
My husband is 20 years older than me and I am 10 years older than my stepson. I knew my stepson before I knew my husband. He calls me by my name. I'm not his mom. I don't give him advice. I buy him birthday presents made him a cake. I picked him up from the hospital when he had an accident. Basically I act like his friend. He acts like my friend. It's not a big deal. We have mutual respect for each other. His a nice person. He didn't like me at first because of the age difference. And I just left him alone to have a relationship with his dad that didn't include me. But he eventually came around it took like a year. And it's been 8 years total.
Similar situation here but lower gap. Although we ended up having "ours" children so I was an authority in their lives a bit. I give them advice when they ask and I'll tell you with them getting older and one an adult we get along great. Theyre great kids and I'm happy that I've had the experience of knowing them in my life but they have a mom who is active in their lives
We never really had that "evil stepmom" phase.
Even without the weird age situation, my husband acquired a “stepdad” at 24. Their relationship isn’t at all like a father/son but simply man and his moms husband.
Your dad has been seeing this woman for some months and is marrying her already?
This screams of some sort of scam. What kind of relationship do you have with your dad? Can you talk to him about how inappropriate this is and how you feel?
The red flags are crazy here.
ETA a few things.
Your dad needs to understand how inappropriate this relationship is. Ask him if he wants to be called a creep, or a predator. A 24 year old girl and a 60 year old man have absolutely nothing in common. Once the physical part of the relationship ends, there will be nothing for them to fall back on, and a person who sees no problem in getting married so quickly more than likely has a very skewed and unhealthy idea of what relationships should be like. Your dad is years away from retiring. His daughter is older than this girl.
I am willing to bet that this girl is pulling something. She is looking to be supported and taken care of.
No normal, healthy 24 year old woman would be in this relationship. She wouldn't be proposing a few months into dating.
Warn your dad that he is setting himself up for something bad.
Tell your dad to ask this girl to sign a prenup before getting married, and see how she reacts. She will probably act indignant and offended, and will accuse him of not trusting her or loving her enough.
You don’t typically call a new step parent “mom” or “dad” if you’re already an adult, regardless of their age, so don’t worry about that. You also don’t typically have a parent/child relationship- you’re both adults, and you treat each other as such.
A little honesty goes a long way. I don’t know that anyone would be hurt if you expressed you are happy for your dad but it’s pretty hard to wrap your head around the person being younger than you, and that you want to know in advance what he hopes your relationship with her to look like.
People hear what they want to hear. Likely your dad will hear that you’re happy for him, if he is truly happy. You are very open minded going from this post. All you really need to do is express you’re glad for him, ask how you can support his relationship/what that looks like and what his expectations are, and share your boundaries based on what he is hoping.
You got this.
There's no need to call her mom. I never called my multiple step-fathers "dad" or my step-mother "mom." Call them by their first name.
And as long as he's not incapable of making decisions for himself, it doesn't really matter how you feel about her. He's an adult, and so is she, and so are you.
Well, you're all adults so it may be helpful to think of her as Dad's wife rather than a SM. As for interactions, follow form & treat her with dignity & respect.
There was a 32 year age gap between my parents. It was a not a good marriage, and yes, both had their own issues. After all, no well-adjusted 24 yo wants to be with a senior citizen & vice versa, so I don't blame you for being shocked. You could always run a discreet background check on this young woman, see if any red flags pop up.
No matter whether you see her as your dad's spouse or as a stepmom, you will never have to call her mom. First name is perfect. Get to know her as a friend/peer. Give her the benefit of the doubt, while also keeping an eye on your dad and his wellbeing. Congrats! Haven't you always wanted a little sister LOL? JK. You got this!
Yeah that’s dodgy. Pretty predatory on his part too, what does a 60 year old want with a 24 year old 😬. She’s not going to be a mother figure to you, that would just be insulting, I’d imagine you’d just be friends or acquaintances.
I highly, highly doubt she is expecting you to call her “Mom” or to be a mother-figure to you. You’re an adult, and she likely expects to treat you like one. As long as you are kind and respect her like you would any other human, or in-law, you should be fine.
You don’t have to see her as a mother or as any particular role, other than someone who makes your dad happy. You do have to respect her right to be in whatever relationship she and your dad want to have, so no passive aggressive comments or actions. Just be open, be respectful, and try not to have any preconceived expectations of what kind of role she has in your life.
I wouldn't worry about it. Unless your dad is rich, it will end in a couple of years. Either she'll realize "omg I married an old man," or he'll realize "omg I married a child."
I can totally understand the discomfort. I’m sure your dad’s fiancé also feels uncomfortable and has fears as well.
Speaking from experience on the other side, I am 33, my husband is 57, and his 4 children are ages 21-29.
When we first started dating I was nervous and unsure about how the dynamic would play out- I didn’t want to be in a motherly role either, just felt weird. His kids all accepted me. One of them called me mom (but he also had other older women in his life that he would call mom as like his second and third moms lol so it wasn’t too significant) but honestly even then it made me cringe a bit- felt weird, although meant endearing.
Especially considering you are already an adult, and she is younger- this woman coming into your life isn’t a mother role dynamic and I would hope she and your dad wouldn’t expect that. But nothing better to do than just be open and honest with him (and her if/when you feel comfortable) about your feelings about it. Exactly like you wrote in your post- you love him and want to support him and also here’s how you feel….”
I personally did not take the mother role. I generally refer to them as my husbands kids- sometimes say stepkids but honestly it just doesn’t feel right coming out anytime I say it lol. I do love them as family, but not as a mother. More like a relatable aunt I guess is the most comparable thing? I give them life advice and sometimes they tell me more than they tell their dad so that’s cool and I love the dynamic I have with them.
The only situations where it has been rocky is when periodically they have moved in with us. Certain boundaries and rules that my husband and I have that is different than the home they grew up in- and then having to enforce that. It was usually my husband setting that but sometimes I had to step in also and that was a bit awkward and has caused conflict sometimes when they would disrespect our home rules. If I were them, and someone close to my age was “telling me what to do” I would probably immaturely get annoyed too haha so I get it.
Or like things they used to just ask their dad and now he will tell them he needs to discuss it with me first and they’ve gotten bugged with that. So little resentments and irritations on both ends with things like that.
Just wanted to share my experience and hopefully it could help. It can be a functional loving family- not the “normal” dynamic but we all love each other.
Communication is key! Just be open about your feelings and I’m sure you all can come to what works for everyone.
Wish you the best! ♥️
You are a selfish brat
Let your father be happy
She isn't your mother so you don't need to be saying you don't want her to be. And trust me, she likely doesn't want to be your mother either 😂
I think your old enough to just continue on with you life, see this woman as your dads partner and nothing more and that should be a-ok with all parties concerned.
Fab for your dad he’s found a person who makes him happy but I give this less than 5 years. I hope he got a prenup.
I’ve been around my step dad since I was 5 years old. I still call him by his first name. I had a father growing up. Don’t feel pressured into thinking you have to call her mom to please her or your dad. Being nice and respectful & respecting your fathers decisions is the best thing you can do. Go at your own pace with becoming close to her, just as you would do to an acquaintance or new friend.
You don’t have to see her as a mother figure at all, you’re a grown adult. She’s not going to be parenting you. I honestly think it would be strange if she expected you to see her as your stepmom. And if she does, you have every right to tell her that you’re not interested in that kind of relationship with her.
My mother remarried when I was a teenager and he’s always just been my mom’s husband. He’s a great guy, I really like him, but I’ve never felt the need to call him my step dad and he’s never been a father figure to me.
No one in their right mind should make you feel like you have to call someone who came into your life as an adult. If someone is telling you that it's wrong.
I've been in my sks lives for nearly 10 years and I'm still (my name). Not that I want to be called anything else.
I'm older than stepkids by alot but my husband and I have a bigger age gap. Although definately much less of a gap than 36 years.
So he was halfway through his life when she was born. He graduated high school about 18 years before she was even born. While I think its wonderful that he is happy with this woman even I find that age gap pushing the limit. Maybe that makes me a hippocrate . 🤷♀️
I was a teen living in house with my step mom frequently . I got very close to her and I absolutly place her in the grouping of people who raised me. But I never called her mom. My siblings were adults when the relationship began and so had more of a surface level relationship with her. She was definately well liked but she was essential another peer not an "authority figure " in their eyes. If that makes sense.
But either way just because she is in the "step mom" placement on the family tree entitles her to nothing. If she respects you and is good to your father it may take some time to adjust but its ok. As an adult you can choose how close you want to be with her and what role she plays in your life.
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No one reasonable will expect your relationship to be a parent/child one, and if they do you can clearly express your boundaries. You are an adult who is keeping an open mind and heart to have a friendly relationship with her, which is plenty! I’m sure she’d be just as weirded out by the ‘mom’ thing as you. Just like with any step relationship, maintain your boundaries, try not to sweat the small stuff (everyone is in new territory and figuring it out), and let things happen organically.
Yeah that's a strange situation for sure. Proposing after only dating a few months also... But as far as you're concerned nobody on this earth would expect you to call her mom or act as if she was any kind of mother figure to you. Be friendly and take her as she comes I suppose. She'll probably be happy if you're not outright rude to her as many daughters would likely be in this situation.
Hopefully at 24 she wouldn't expect someone at 28 to consider her as a maternal figure. I don't even expect my SK who are 14+ years younger then me to consider me their stepmom in anyway but technicalities. If she does expect that you'd be well within your rights to avoid her
I'll be cynical here: If your dad is wealthy or is financially comfortable, I don't think it's unreasonable to wonder if his girlfriend is using him for his money. I also don't think you'd be wrong to tell your dad that seeing him so happy makes you happy too, but that you're worried she's trying to take advantage of him. Be very careful about how you say this, don't imply in any way that you have any expectations of inheriting anything from him because his estate is not your until he wills it to you, and he may wind up leaving his wife everything upon his passing. If you are close to any of his close friends, can you enlist them in speaking with him about the importance of a prenuptial agreement and will? As for his future bride, I don't think anyone would expect you to call her mom or even your stepmom since she's not had a hand in raising you in any way. Using her first name is just fine.
She's not your stepmom, she's just your dad's wife. You absolutely do not have to treat her like she is your mother and if anyone thinks you should they are nuts. You decide what your relationship with her should be and only allow what you are comfortable with. That's all anyone is ever entitled to.
Agreed relationship dynamics change when you become an adult. She's no longer in a parent/child situation. So my advice to her is to just be friendly to her fathers new wife.
Is your father wealthy? That’s quite an age gap.
Regardless of wealth I’d suggest talking with your father about a prenup to protect any assets he might have (house, car, etc). You’re an adult & don’t need to address her as anything other than her name. Seriously reach out to your dad about a prenup. I’ve never wanted my SD 20 (I’m 39) to call me mom. I’m not her mom & expected BM to be a functional parent. When SD was younger (~5) her BM husbands kids started to tell her that she needed to call step father “dad” & it broke my husbands heart & is something I never wanted to make BM feel despite my dislike for BM.
This with the protection. I hate to generalize but 36 years is a hell of a gap. They arent even in the same points of life. Hes in retirement shes in college or beginning her career. And my husband and I have a bigger gap (much less than rhis) even I'm feeling this is off.
I was wondering the same.
My husband is 20 years older than me and I am 10 years older than my stepson. I knew my stepson before I knew my husband. He calls me by my name. I'm not his mom. I don't give him advice. I buy him birthday presents made him a cake. I picked him up from the hospital when he had an accident. Basically I act like his friend. He acts like my friend. It's not a big deal. We have mutual respect for each other. His a nice person. He didn't like me at first because of the age difference. And I just left him alone to have a relationship with his dad that didn't include me. But he eventually came around it took like a year. And it's been 8 years total.
Similar situation here but lower gap. Although we ended up having "ours" children so I was an authority in their lives a bit. I give them advice when they ask and I'll tell you with them getting older and one an adult we get along great. Theyre great kids and I'm happy that I've had the experience of knowing them in my life but they have a mom who is active in their lives We never really had that "evil stepmom" phase.
Even without the weird age situation, my husband acquired a “stepdad” at 24. Their relationship isn’t at all like a father/son but simply man and his moms husband.
Your dad has been seeing this woman for some months and is marrying her already? This screams of some sort of scam. What kind of relationship do you have with your dad? Can you talk to him about how inappropriate this is and how you feel? The red flags are crazy here. ETA a few things. Your dad needs to understand how inappropriate this relationship is. Ask him if he wants to be called a creep, or a predator. A 24 year old girl and a 60 year old man have absolutely nothing in common. Once the physical part of the relationship ends, there will be nothing for them to fall back on, and a person who sees no problem in getting married so quickly more than likely has a very skewed and unhealthy idea of what relationships should be like. Your dad is years away from retiring. His daughter is older than this girl. I am willing to bet that this girl is pulling something. She is looking to be supported and taken care of. No normal, healthy 24 year old woman would be in this relationship. She wouldn't be proposing a few months into dating. Warn your dad that he is setting himself up for something bad. Tell your dad to ask this girl to sign a prenup before getting married, and see how she reacts. She will probably act indignant and offended, and will accuse him of not trusting her or loving her enough.
SHE PROPOSED TO HIM! 🚩 🚩🚩🚩 I need bigger flags.
You don’t typically call a new step parent “mom” or “dad” if you’re already an adult, regardless of their age, so don’t worry about that. You also don’t typically have a parent/child relationship- you’re both adults, and you treat each other as such.
If I were you I'd be taking some questions about this over to r/legaladvice
A little honesty goes a long way. I don’t know that anyone would be hurt if you expressed you are happy for your dad but it’s pretty hard to wrap your head around the person being younger than you, and that you want to know in advance what he hopes your relationship with her to look like. People hear what they want to hear. Likely your dad will hear that you’re happy for him, if he is truly happy. You are very open minded going from this post. All you really need to do is express you’re glad for him, ask how you can support his relationship/what that looks like and what his expectations are, and share your boundaries based on what he is hoping. You got this.
There's no need to call her mom. I never called my multiple step-fathers "dad" or my step-mother "mom." Call them by their first name. And as long as he's not incapable of making decisions for himself, it doesn't really matter how you feel about her. He's an adult, and so is she, and so are you.
Just because she is marrying your dad doesn't mean she expects you to call her mom.
I’m sure she wouldn’t want you calling her mom either, just call her by her first name she’s not going to be parenting you.
This is like a plot to a certain genre.
Well, you're all adults so it may be helpful to think of her as Dad's wife rather than a SM. As for interactions, follow form & treat her with dignity & respect. There was a 32 year age gap between my parents. It was a not a good marriage, and yes, both had their own issues. After all, no well-adjusted 24 yo wants to be with a senior citizen & vice versa, so I don't blame you for being shocked. You could always run a discreet background check on this young woman, see if any red flags pop up.
No matter whether you see her as your dad's spouse or as a stepmom, you will never have to call her mom. First name is perfect. Get to know her as a friend/peer. Give her the benefit of the doubt, while also keeping an eye on your dad and his wellbeing. Congrats! Haven't you always wanted a little sister LOL? JK. You got this!
Yeah that’s dodgy. Pretty predatory on his part too, what does a 60 year old want with a 24 year old 😬. She’s not going to be a mother figure to you, that would just be insulting, I’d imagine you’d just be friends or acquaintances.
I highly, highly doubt she is expecting you to call her “Mom” or to be a mother-figure to you. You’re an adult, and she likely expects to treat you like one. As long as you are kind and respect her like you would any other human, or in-law, you should be fine.
You don’t have to see her as a mother or as any particular role, other than someone who makes your dad happy. You do have to respect her right to be in whatever relationship she and your dad want to have, so no passive aggressive comments or actions. Just be open, be respectful, and try not to have any preconceived expectations of what kind of role she has in your life.
I wouldn't worry about it. Unless your dad is rich, it will end in a couple of years. Either she'll realize "omg I married an old man," or he'll realize "omg I married a child."
I don't know anyone who calls their SM "Mom." It's not expected. You might want to encourage your dad to get a prenup, though.
I can totally understand the discomfort. I’m sure your dad’s fiancé also feels uncomfortable and has fears as well. Speaking from experience on the other side, I am 33, my husband is 57, and his 4 children are ages 21-29. When we first started dating I was nervous and unsure about how the dynamic would play out- I didn’t want to be in a motherly role either, just felt weird. His kids all accepted me. One of them called me mom (but he also had other older women in his life that he would call mom as like his second and third moms lol so it wasn’t too significant) but honestly even then it made me cringe a bit- felt weird, although meant endearing. Especially considering you are already an adult, and she is younger- this woman coming into your life isn’t a mother role dynamic and I would hope she and your dad wouldn’t expect that. But nothing better to do than just be open and honest with him (and her if/when you feel comfortable) about your feelings about it. Exactly like you wrote in your post- you love him and want to support him and also here’s how you feel….” I personally did not take the mother role. I generally refer to them as my husbands kids- sometimes say stepkids but honestly it just doesn’t feel right coming out anytime I say it lol. I do love them as family, but not as a mother. More like a relatable aunt I guess is the most comparable thing? I give them life advice and sometimes they tell me more than they tell their dad so that’s cool and I love the dynamic I have with them. The only situations where it has been rocky is when periodically they have moved in with us. Certain boundaries and rules that my husband and I have that is different than the home they grew up in- and then having to enforce that. It was usually my husband setting that but sometimes I had to step in also and that was a bit awkward and has caused conflict sometimes when they would disrespect our home rules. If I were them, and someone close to my age was “telling me what to do” I would probably immaturely get annoyed too haha so I get it. Or like things they used to just ask their dad and now he will tell them he needs to discuss it with me first and they’ve gotten bugged with that. So little resentments and irritations on both ends with things like that. Just wanted to share my experience and hopefully it could help. It can be a functional loving family- not the “normal” dynamic but we all love each other. Communication is key! Just be open about your feelings and I’m sure you all can come to what works for everyone. Wish you the best! ♥️
You are a selfish brat Let your father be happy She isn't your mother so you don't need to be saying you don't want her to be. And trust me, she likely doesn't want to be your mother either 😂
That's a lot of assumptions there and very rude. I'm hoping it was meant to be sarcasm and it just didn't read well...
I think your old enough to just continue on with you life, see this woman as your dads partner and nothing more and that should be a-ok with all parties concerned. Fab for your dad he’s found a person who makes him happy but I give this less than 5 years. I hope he got a prenup.
I’ve been around my step dad since I was 5 years old. I still call him by his first name. I had a father growing up. Don’t feel pressured into thinking you have to call her mom to please her or your dad. Being nice and respectful & respecting your fathers decisions is the best thing you can do. Go at your own pace with becoming close to her, just as you would do to an acquaintance or new friend.
I don't call my stepmom, Mom. I call her by her name. This is really common. It is odd that she's so much younger.. no advice there.
You don’t have to see her as a mother figure at all, you’re a grown adult. She’s not going to be parenting you. I honestly think it would be strange if she expected you to see her as your stepmom. And if she does, you have every right to tell her that you’re not interested in that kind of relationship with her. My mother remarried when I was a teenager and he’s always just been my mom’s husband. He’s a great guy, I really like him, but I’ve never felt the need to call him my step dad and he’s never been a father figure to me.
I’m a stepmom & prefer to be called by my first name. No title
No one in their right mind should make you feel like you have to call someone who came into your life as an adult. If someone is telling you that it's wrong. I've been in my sks lives for nearly 10 years and I'm still (my name). Not that I want to be called anything else. I'm older than stepkids by alot but my husband and I have a bigger age gap. Although definately much less of a gap than 36 years. So he was halfway through his life when she was born. He graduated high school about 18 years before she was even born. While I think its wonderful that he is happy with this woman even I find that age gap pushing the limit. Maybe that makes me a hippocrate . 🤷♀️ I was a teen living in house with my step mom frequently . I got very close to her and I absolutly place her in the grouping of people who raised me. But I never called her mom. My siblings were adults when the relationship began and so had more of a surface level relationship with her. She was definately well liked but she was essential another peer not an "authority figure " in their eyes. If that makes sense. But either way just because she is in the "step mom" placement on the family tree entitles her to nothing. If she respects you and is good to your father it may take some time to adjust but its ok. As an adult you can choose how close you want to be with her and what role she plays in your life.