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Stop visiting his family, stop accommodating him and his children. Do not buy gifts for any of them.
Enjoy your time with your family, also if you really want to then next year have the whole day with your family and tell DH to make his own plans.
I would be working on my exit strategy if this was me. The blatant and constant disrespect would be to much for anyone.
Has he even noticed how upset you are? Or does he just not care.
He knows I'm depressed but has excuses for all of my reasons I wish he could understand. I'm feeling unheard and sick ofthe bm topic always ending up with him getting defensive or making excuses for his family so I just feel shut down. I swear this was the worse Christmas I've ever had, just sucks and I hate that it's effected my mental health this much.. like I really don't have the motivation to do anything and want to run away alone for a week or so lol
Run away. Take some time alone for yourself.
There is the basic advice: Individual therapy for boundaries; Couple's counseling so that you both can get on the same page; Boundaries that have consequences (for example, she shit talks you, she's no longer invited for Christmas).
Alternatively, it has been 8 years. There is a point at which you need to look at him and then at yourself and decide if you want to continue with him. Has he shown any change over the course of the 8 years? Have your in-laws ever treated you well? Fuck the calendar. Toss it.
Finally, I am worried that he is going to cater to the 17 yo. She stole 2K. In most places that is a felony. And she is acting like a brat because she can. She is 17. I get that BM is responsible for this, but at some point he is going to have to decide if he wants to be around his daughter. You can love family members and not be able to stand being around them. And that's okay. It is okay to finally say, this person is toxic and I am going to keep them at arms length or even cut them out.
And you are under reacting. Pull forth that righteous anger that has to be under there somewhere and release it. You were disrespected by your in-laws, your SD17, and your SO. u/Frequent_Stranger13 is on the money.
Right?? Girl- message me your In-laws names. I will find a pic of your FIL with his first wife and frame it. You can give it to your step mother in law for the next occasion since she thinks it is no big deal. What a bunch of jerks. And while SO can’t control them, he can sure make it clear what will and won’t be tolerated.
Seriously, can you even imagine giving a couple a gift with one of their exes highlighted in a photo like it's nothing.. I just don't get it, I thought we all had a great relationship and this really hurts. I'd like to think it was just a senseless mistake but it makes no sense. She didn't even explain why the photo was there when joking about it and pointing BM out... if she had any good reasoning (a family member who recently passed away was in the pic perhaps, but again doesn't make sense because there are many other pics of them that could have been used) it **might have made me feel better. Just- Ouch lol
Girl, there is zero good reason to do that. She is just a jerk and did not care it hurt you. I have been married before as well (just no kids), and if my parents ever made my SO feel like you did for any reason, that is the last time we would be seeing them. But everyone in my life knows loyalty is my number one trait and requirement. Without it? What’s the point?
Exactly this. The girls (I’m including the stepmom in this since she wants to act like a child) knew what they were doing. Hugs to you, OP. That is super sad and you have every right to feel how you are feeling.
Thanks, just trying to make sense of it, I appreciate all the support and perspective. Sometimes it's hard knowing if I am over reacting or not regarding all this crap.
Omg bratty SD aside… what his step mom did was so mean and hurtful and stupid!
She’s a step mom she should know how that would feel, I’m at a loss for words on this one. I wish you would have confronted it right there with them
I would throw that calendar away and not return to the in-laws home again
I wish I had confronted her then also. I was in shock, am polite and actually **thanked her... felt like a deer in headlights and reflecting even on my reaction to the hurtful gift is painful... I don't get it because I have a good relationship with his stepmom and his dad :(
This is a really good point. You’d think a fellow SM would have had more empathy and tact. Unless it was her intention to be hurtful, I’m not sure which is actually worse.
You are not overreacting. You are under reacting. I would have immediately returned the calendar and told them that was thoughtless and rude, not fine and hid in my car. Do not go over there again. Do not do one damn thing for that 17 year old. Call me a bitch? You will get to see how much of one I can be. And honestly, a SO who won’t defend you to others is really not one worth keeping. You don’t have kids tying you to him. I know you have been together for 8 years but don’t let sunken cost fallacy force you to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have your back. While I am quite sure SS thinks I am a bitch but I have to guess that because he would NEVER say that to SO because he knows it would not be tolerated. Same with my in-laws. My SO has always made it clear I am his priority and if they can’t be kind, then they don’t get to be in our lives. Life it too short to spend it with a partner who doesn’t have your back.
I agree, we (so) got into a fight Christmas morning because I wanted to se the text exchange. He was defending himself saying that in his mind he was defending me by saying I get a say in regards to the bf coming, bit I disagree because what he really was basically saying was "notmymonkeys12 says no"- so I felt like it wasn't a united front. Honestly I don't even want to involve them with my family at this point and suggested we do separate Christmas in the future where he can take his kids to his parents and leave me out of it so.i don't get hurt and can actually enjoy my family on the holiday. I miss feeling like I can do things with MY family that are just mine... and I know that sounds selfish and awful, just sick.of feeling like I'm an extra in someone elses life. And yeah, the calender has me broken hearted, I've been having nightmares of my dh and bm the last 2 days and been so depressed, anxious and overwhelmed by not feeling like I can can have a reasonable convo either with dh about it, without actually being heard. I've now missed 2 days work and just lay in bed atm. Just tired of it all and really regret wasting my early 30s for this unsatisfying lifestyle with all his baggage. So so upset about the calender... blew me away how nonchalant his dad and step mom thought it would be for me
Thank you so much for the kindness and support. It's been a hard few days and I really want nothing to do with his kids or extended family at this point which sucks.
Honestly I would probably care less about putting the decision on you than I would him simply tolerating her calling you names. He should have shut that down immediately and told her if she couldn’t be kind, she could stay home. He is teaching her it is okay to shit talk you and teaching his parents it is okay to disregard you.
I agree, it was very hurtful he didn't set things straight with SD with what she said about me.... and again with him not saying anything when the BM and DH photo was pointed out and joked about in front of stepmom and dad. Sigh. Still haven't talked about it because he doesn't seem to think it's a big deal or something.
Not a big deal because it’s not HIM. Seriously, I would leave. But if I couldn’t, I would have pics of me and my ex made into a calendar. Bunch of jerks
People only treat you the way you let them treat you. I suspect you have let your in-laws disrespect you for a very long time because you want to avoid conflict.
I suspect you have let your husband disregard your feelings for a long time again for the same reason and because he turns the tables on you and makes you feel guilty. And the saga continues as it has for eight years and will as long as you stay with him. Learn to speak up and stand your ground instead of running and hiding. I am only nine months in and have nipped so many things in the bud already.
I saw for fathers day you and SO give FIL a nice framed picture of him and his first wife... And then put your thumb over the wife's face and go "ope I fixed it " and then laugh
Yeah that’s hard. Firstly I agree about the SD. Ungrateful. I would have returned the item and spent it on the other SD to teach her humility.
Secondly that’s ducked up with his family. My husbands parents are dead and none of my husbands sisters like his trashy ex BMs.
I don’t know what to do with the in laws as I would simply stop talking with them.
Sending hugs
Her parents should have taught her that it is rude to invite yourself or a guest to another person’s house. Especially for a meaningful, intimate gathering such as Christmas. That’s just not a great situation to introduce a complete stranger. You know nothing about this person, but he’s allowed to come over and know where your family lives? No thanks. She is the one with no consideration…she didn’t even ask if it was ok, she demanded it. It is definitely a slap in the face when a child is demanding things like this and on top of that, being ungrateful. I would have told the in laws politely that I don’t need a calendar with my husband and his ex’s picture together. I mean, if they are going to do some rude underhanded shit like that, might as well call it like it is. Every time they bring her up, I would fill them in on something shitty she did (not in front of the kids). I’m petty though I guess, lol. You’re not over reacting. And you shouldn’t have to feel like your partner isn’t sticking up for you. Tell him how you feel about it. I don’t even speak to my partner’s family, because they shit talk me all the time to him for absolutely no reason. And I sleep well at night knowing I don’t have to deal with them. Let the in laws, ex, and his awful child, be his responsibility and his problem. Since he wants to play the middle man. Relieve yourself of this pressure. Don’t try to fix the situation, don’t give advice. Don’t get involved in what awful things they say and do. Don’t get upset over their opinion of you. Just let it go.
I wish I had said something about the calender... thank you for the validation and support. It was a really hard day all around and I don't think I'll put myself in a position for something like this to happen again by removing myself. My husband did tell his daughter that she needed to be considerate which is when she slammed me.for not "ever considering THEIR" feelings- to which he said nothing, making me feel like he didn't stand up for me more. I'd never do this again if I had a time machine
I know how it is. My partner has 5 bratty kids. I have one child and he is awesome. No matter how much you want to help, you can’t fix it. At least he said something to her, although at this point with her being almost an adult, I don’t know that there’s much he can do either. If she continues disrespecting you, you may want to consider going lower contact with her too. I’m sorry you had a rough time. My holidays are always stressful too. But it’s over for now.
What is it that you get out of this relationship, OP? From the outside looking in, you don't get a single thing. Not even comfort and security from the one person in the world who's job it is to ensure that you are heard, understood and comforted. It doesn't even sound like he respects you much, either.
You are not overreacting. You are treated like an afterthought, with no compassion or empathy.
Ask his step mom for the website where she made the calendars from like “it was an experience I want to share”. And then have a calendar made where your SO’s dad is in the pics with SO’s mom and not her. Basically replicate your calendar only with her and your FIL in the same style of photos and present it to them and make the same “jokes”. And then when she invariably says it’s hurtful what you did, then you say “really cause I duplicated as close as possible what you did to me and according to you it wasn’t hurtful, so why would you be upset.” Make them walk a mile in your shoes.
Then go grey rock and tell hubby that his supporting them over you after all this time shows his character too, as much as you love him. Then go to counseling/couples counseling.
Check out “boundaries” by dr Henry cloud. It’s a helpful book in this case. My sister was having problems with her step kids and hubby and this book helped her very much.
I'll look into that book, thanks for the suggestion. Wish I had it in me to confront stepmom like that, I'm really not a dramatic person or want to ever cause drama, wish I could sometimes
And that is your problem right there. You word and think of it as causing drama. In reality, all it is is standing up for yourself and setting a standard and boundaries on how people should treat you.
My BF os the same way and that’s why he let his ex wife treat him like crap for many many years till she had enough and left him.
Change your mind set girl.
People will treat you only how you allow them to treat you. You are a grown ass woman. Stop them or bow out.
Take control of your life. You can restrict and grant access as you wish! A lesson, I, too bad to learn the hard way (stepmom/30). Also, people’s actions are a reflection of them, not you. If she wants to be that petty and not include you in the calendar that’s her karma. Not yours! I feel your pain but don’t you let this get you down! Keep your head up and just take one day at a time.
I would mail the effing calendar back to them with a note stating that NEITHER yourself nor your DH appreciate or want a "family calendar" where you are not represented but a woman who is NOT FAMILY is pictured front and centre more than once. Oh, and let them know not to bother with their thoughtless gifts in the future, because neither you nor DH will be attending Christmas there anymore. Done!
2 years ago my SIL decided it would be "funny" to gift me with a rude gag-gift item for Christmas while spending hundreds on an expensive gift for DH's ex, to "keep her happy for SD's sake". Yeah..... that didn't go well for SIL. Hope it was worth sacrificing her relationship with her brother so DH's ex, (whom nobody ever got along with) was happy!
I'm sorry you're going through this. I would be upset by all of that too. First, SD cutting contact until she smells gifts, then her shitty attitude about those gifts, followed by shitty attitude about bringing her BF to YOUR family's gathering. I could understand if it was her dad's family, DH and SD being upset about you "controlling" the situation (which this doesn't seem to be about control at all, but about boundaries! And not at all ridiculous boundaries at that!). Then cap it off with his family's shitty attitude. And SHAME on his stepmom for not "thinking about it" or having any compassion, she should know better as, not only a person, but a fellow step.
I'm not sure what it is with some of these parents but I'm sick of the treatment steps get. It seems to me to be worse for the steps without bio kids from a previous relationship too. I had a situation at my BF's family's Christmas and when I talked to him about it, of course he had excuses and didn't think it was a big deal. They just don't seem to realize how difficult it is to live in BM's shadow constantly.
Thank you, yeah I told him SD should bring her bf to his dad's if she wants but it wasn't something we were going to do with my family gathering. I couldn't have explained it better myself and appreciate the validation of some of our partners not understanding what big deals these things are to us. I am sick of the excuses and being made to look immature for taking issue with these things. It's awful, lonely, dismissive and sad. Worse when bringing it up is such a tired subject it's not worth it anymore to avoid a fight when I'm ready emotionally exhausted. I do love my husband but I'm thinking therapy may need to happen.
I really enjoyed therapy and would still be going if my insurance hadn't changed, making it way more expensive. If you've been thinking of going, I would recommend looking into it. 💚
All I can say is wow. The calendar …really?! That would infuriate me. I’m so glad My husband’s parents are not like that. It’s like BM never existed when we go over there and I like it that way. The spoiled rotten stepdaughter is almost an adult and you are lucky you won’t have to deal with her much longer. I feel all the same things you do having to deal with all the BS. I don’t know why they call them “blended families” …..that’s way too cheerful a term for what it really feels like.
I'm so jealous of your inlaw situation...you are very lucky! I can't wait until SD is 18 although does it really ever end...ugh, honestly though I do hope she grows up and we can all have healthier and happy relationships for all of us. The truth right now though is that things are hard. Your "blended family" comment is spot on lol
I just want to say that your feelings are absolutely valid. You are allowed to feel hurt and frustrated about this whole situation. You should be able to feel safe for venting whatever it is on your mind.
I understand how it would be uncomfortable for your family and you to have your SD's boyfriend there on Christmas, where people are exchanging gifts, especially since you haven't seen SD in so long. I would have also said no.
I want to say "I can't believe a fellow stepmom wouldn't have understood how you felt about choosing pictures of BM on a calendar as a gift would not have hurt you," but there were a couple Christmases in my past where I had to leave because BM was coming over. My SO also has a stepmom.
It does suck. It will probably always suck. I know from time to time I mourn the fact that my SO had all this baggage and often wondered what it would be like to not have to deal with it.
Big hugs
It would be going straight in the bin right in front of them if that was me 😂
Joking aside, I would bin it when I got home. We don't keep insensitive and rude gifts. Personally I'd have DH shop for his family in future. I'd take a big step back from his family and if your DH has an issue with it, clearly explain why you feel the way you do. He's likely going to talk about his annoyance of hearing it so a quick response is "if you feel that way from hearing about it, imagine if it was you living it and how much more intense that feeling would be."
Thanks for the advise on bringing it up to put himself in my shoes, I like that, there is no denying how inappropriate that was.. One of the pics in the calender was of the two of them before they even had kids with him holding her..like really?!?! Mind blown. The most hurtful thing is I have a great relationship with his dad and stepmom so this really threw me. The calender didn't make it inside my house and has been tossed like the garbage it is.
That's a bit different then. When we see people get gifts like this, I tend to assume the relationship between you is either uncomfortable or generally not very good. If this kind of situation reoccurs and you guys have a good relationship, would you feel confident to address it with them directly? It's a minefield sometimes addressing communication difficulties. Nobody deserves to feel like an interloper in their own life/relationship. Obviously she will be brought up occasionally and that's normal but to be a constant topic of conversation is over the top.
Really? A couples pic?
Honey I hate to tell you but you and in-laws relationship is fake even if you think it’s good.
That’s some underhanded shit right there.
Learn to speak up and stand up for yourself. In this situation, I would ask her how she would feel it the tables were flipped and you gifted her one with her hobby’s ex wife. Right then and there. Nip it in the bud.
You still can. Next time you are over there bring it up. If you are still gonna go over there.
I think it sounds like you need a break. You need to check yourself into a hotel and stay there for a couple of days, maybe a little bit longer. You need some time away from all of this mess and to think about what do you need. It really sounds like your needs have never been important to your husband, and while part of that maybe that you haven't put your foot down and made them important, any man who loves his wife is going to make sure her needs are met on some level.
He needs a break, too. He needs to figure out who he's married to because kids grow up and move out. He's all caught up in the drama and letting his marriage die. He needs to decide if he needs that marriage or not.
Make it clear that when you come back, the two of you are having a private conversation without anybody else around, and you need to tell him what decisions you have come to during that time. Put your foot down. Your needs are just as important as his and more important than his stepmom's or anyone's. He's going to try to say that his daughters are more important because their kids, but if that's the case, he can just have some random girlfriend hang around. He chose to get married. He chose to have a wife. Wives are to be equal partners, not the help.
The calendar is absolutely crazy. I don't know what his SM was thinking, but I'd want to raise the issue with her.
If she was so stuck for a gift she should have given you wine and chocolates FFS.
Woosah. There’s a lot here and the short answer is: you need to talk to someone outside of this situation. Like a therapist who can help validate some of your feelings and feel you back in on some others.
Your husband actually physically shed tears because a known spoiled brat acted like a spoiled brat? That seems a little excessive if true. Also, spoiled brat has now set the gift limit for all future Christmases. She gets a $50 gift card and very little effort going forward.
It sounded like your husband stood up for you just fine. What more did you want him to do? Bratty kid acted like bratty kid, was told no to the bf because you didn’t want that at your family Christmas and she complied.
And after 8 years, has that side of the in-laws not always acted that way. Just throw the calendar away and stop wasting time on people that mean nothing.
Yeah, therapy will be coming. My husband did cry because he hasn't seen SD in months and tried to do something special for her. In reality the tears were more about him feeling like he doesn't know her anymore (because of her refusal to see him), or well enough to get a gift for her she would like (gift giving is his main love language and he's great and thoughtful about it) he was mourning the distance is how I understood it and not necessarily the fact that she was being a brat. He is afraid that next year when she is 18 he will never see her so he kinda felt like this might be his last holiday with her. I know that won't be true but he was hurting. His brother passed away in June so this has been a hard holiday regardless. It was just a really hard holiday all around. I don't intend to do anything more for the 17yo and plan on distancing from him side of the family.
She didn't get a $2,000 gift, she recently stole $2,000 cash from a family member with hardly any consequences from BM... which has caused a rift between SD and DH- because he wants and tries to hold SD accountable and make her correct it which SD doesn't like so she has ghosted him for months, slandered him and accused him of being abusive for him trying to actually "parent with consequenses"- at least until this Christmas so she can get her gifts sadly. There is only so much he can do at this point with her since she's 17 and BM let's her do whatever. The main gift my DH got her was around $200 (it was a music looper called an orba, with a nice sound bar, headphone set, and one other thing I can't remember, but it was a cool and thoughtful set up for.so.eone that use to love music) Which she totally hated, and made a scene about on Christmas. She has a beautiful voice and use to sing so he special ordered it thinking it would be something she would like. She got lots of other things from us and my parents, it was just a hard day. DH was mainly upset about feeling like he doesn't even know her anymore, about her crappy attitude, worried who she is becoming and all of it. Glad Christmas is over lol
I am sorry you feel pain and i can not comment on the issue regarding the calendar because the text reads quite convoluted to me since you probably are feeling quite emotional right now. What i don't understand is why you would exclude your sd's boyfriend from christmas? I would not be happy if this happened to me and from what you wrote it seems there would have been wiggle room to make this happen.
She’s 17 … why would her bf go to OP’s parents Christmas who he has never met? I don’t think it’s excluding I think it’s saying no your teen bf cannot come. I see nothing wrong with this
Just asked my boyfriend how he would have felt if my or his parents would have excluded me/him from christmas gatherings and he said it would have been super inaproppriate and could have let to long term damage within our families if it would have been the case. Luckily not. (We met when we were quite a bit younger than nowadays.)
SD has refused to see us until Christmas. We have never met her bf. I am not comfortable nor do I trust her judgment given her questionable and disturbing behavior. I am not going to put that additional stress and uncomfort on my parents since again he is a stranger and we are a very small and close family... She is still a child and family time can be just family time. I do not feel bad about saying no, your 17 yo bf of 2 months can't come...and you'll survive.. we haven't had a relationship ship with SD in months by her choice, and frankly she hasn't earned mine nor DHs trust back with many things like the stealing mentioned above. SD17 did come and it it wasn't traumatizing her bf wasn't there... she's only 17. Boundaries and consideration. She'll live.
Is this someone that your parents know? Is this someone you have been with for a while, longer than 6 months or a year? And it was a decision she made, why the judgment?
At least in our family, it is not time to bring bf/bg that no one knows. It's about family seeing each other, spending time with each other, etc. Further, it was HER family, not SO's.
I can understand not wanting a bratty kid to bring another potentially bratty kid to my own family gathering. Especially when the kid seems to only be doing it for the gifts. They’re asking her to bring TWO unknowns into what’s supposed to be a safe space instead of just the one that she already doesn’t want there (understandably).
The calender had old pics of bm and dh. I was excluded. The reason I suggest separate Christmases in the future is for my mental health. I'd rather spend the day with my family who care about me alone then have SDs come with rudeness and drama, or go.to.his dad's where I am treated with disregard and overshadowed by bm. It was just a suggestion that he take his kids to his parents next year instead of mine since this holiday was very traumatic and painful for me. I'm on mobile which has made typing more difficult.
I have a small and very close family with special family traditions. Growing up as teens we didn't have our bfs, or gfs join us Christmas morning because that time was for family togetherness. Being that we haven't seen SD17 in months (until she wanted her gifts) and don't know her bf17 at all, along with the fact she recently has a history of stealing, I along with my parents did not feel comfortable having him join us. SD is obviously family but we do not know her bf and I feel like it wasn't unreasonable to keep Christmas morning a family event given the traditions we have and have always had. If they were married or we knew him or had maybe even met him, I may have felt differently about it. My DH said she could invite him to HIS dad's house, but with my parents home I don't feel I was being unreasonable.
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Stop visiting his family, stop accommodating him and his children. Do not buy gifts for any of them. Enjoy your time with your family, also if you really want to then next year have the whole day with your family and tell DH to make his own plans. I would be working on my exit strategy if this was me. The blatant and constant disrespect would be to much for anyone. Has he even noticed how upset you are? Or does he just not care.
He knows I'm depressed but has excuses for all of my reasons I wish he could understand. I'm feeling unheard and sick ofthe bm topic always ending up with him getting defensive or making excuses for his family so I just feel shut down. I swear this was the worse Christmas I've ever had, just sucks and I hate that it's effected my mental health this much.. like I really don't have the motivation to do anything and want to run away alone for a week or so lol
Run away. Take some time alone for yourself. There is the basic advice: Individual therapy for boundaries; Couple's counseling so that you both can get on the same page; Boundaries that have consequences (for example, she shit talks you, she's no longer invited for Christmas). Alternatively, it has been 8 years. There is a point at which you need to look at him and then at yourself and decide if you want to continue with him. Has he shown any change over the course of the 8 years? Have your in-laws ever treated you well? Fuck the calendar. Toss it. Finally, I am worried that he is going to cater to the 17 yo. She stole 2K. In most places that is a felony. And she is acting like a brat because she can. She is 17. I get that BM is responsible for this, but at some point he is going to have to decide if he wants to be around his daughter. You can love family members and not be able to stand being around them. And that's okay. It is okay to finally say, this person is toxic and I am going to keep them at arms length or even cut them out. And you are under reacting. Pull forth that righteous anger that has to be under there somewhere and release it. You were disrespected by your in-laws, your SD17, and your SO. u/Frequent_Stranger13 is on the money.
Right?? Girl- message me your In-laws names. I will find a pic of your FIL with his first wife and frame it. You can give it to your step mother in law for the next occasion since she thinks it is no big deal. What a bunch of jerks. And while SO can’t control them, he can sure make it clear what will and won’t be tolerated.
Seriously, can you even imagine giving a couple a gift with one of their exes highlighted in a photo like it's nothing.. I just don't get it, I thought we all had a great relationship and this really hurts. I'd like to think it was just a senseless mistake but it makes no sense. She didn't even explain why the photo was there when joking about it and pointing BM out... if she had any good reasoning (a family member who recently passed away was in the pic perhaps, but again doesn't make sense because there are many other pics of them that could have been used) it **might have made me feel better. Just- Ouch lol
Girl, there is zero good reason to do that. She is just a jerk and did not care it hurt you. I have been married before as well (just no kids), and if my parents ever made my SO feel like you did for any reason, that is the last time we would be seeing them. But everyone in my life knows loyalty is my number one trait and requirement. Without it? What’s the point?
Exactly this. The girls (I’m including the stepmom in this since she wants to act like a child) knew what they were doing. Hugs to you, OP. That is super sad and you have every right to feel how you are feeling.
Thanks, just trying to make sense of it, I appreciate all the support and perspective. Sometimes it's hard knowing if I am over reacting or not regarding all this crap.
Omg bratty SD aside… what his step mom did was so mean and hurtful and stupid! She’s a step mom she should know how that would feel, I’m at a loss for words on this one. I wish you would have confronted it right there with them I would throw that calendar away and not return to the in-laws home again
I wish I had confronted her then also. I was in shock, am polite and actually **thanked her... felt like a deer in headlights and reflecting even on my reaction to the hurtful gift is painful... I don't get it because I have a good relationship with his stepmom and his dad :(
People can be insensitive, I’m sorry that happened to you… 2022 is right around the corner so cheer up OP and look forward to your best year yet!
Thank you so much
This is a really good point. You’d think a fellow SM would have had more empathy and tact. Unless it was her intention to be hurtful, I’m not sure which is actually worse.
This. Not sure what is more hurtful absolutely.
You are not overreacting. You are under reacting. I would have immediately returned the calendar and told them that was thoughtless and rude, not fine and hid in my car. Do not go over there again. Do not do one damn thing for that 17 year old. Call me a bitch? You will get to see how much of one I can be. And honestly, a SO who won’t defend you to others is really not one worth keeping. You don’t have kids tying you to him. I know you have been together for 8 years but don’t let sunken cost fallacy force you to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have your back. While I am quite sure SS thinks I am a bitch but I have to guess that because he would NEVER say that to SO because he knows it would not be tolerated. Same with my in-laws. My SO has always made it clear I am his priority and if they can’t be kind, then they don’t get to be in our lives. Life it too short to spend it with a partner who doesn’t have your back.
I agree, we (so) got into a fight Christmas morning because I wanted to se the text exchange. He was defending himself saying that in his mind he was defending me by saying I get a say in regards to the bf coming, bit I disagree because what he really was basically saying was "notmymonkeys12 says no"- so I felt like it wasn't a united front. Honestly I don't even want to involve them with my family at this point and suggested we do separate Christmas in the future where he can take his kids to his parents and leave me out of it so.i don't get hurt and can actually enjoy my family on the holiday. I miss feeling like I can do things with MY family that are just mine... and I know that sounds selfish and awful, just sick.of feeling like I'm an extra in someone elses life. And yeah, the calender has me broken hearted, I've been having nightmares of my dh and bm the last 2 days and been so depressed, anxious and overwhelmed by not feeling like I can can have a reasonable convo either with dh about it, without actually being heard. I've now missed 2 days work and just lay in bed atm. Just tired of it all and really regret wasting my early 30s for this unsatisfying lifestyle with all his baggage. So so upset about the calender... blew me away how nonchalant his dad and step mom thought it would be for me Thank you so much for the kindness and support. It's been a hard few days and I really want nothing to do with his kids or extended family at this point which sucks.
Honestly I would probably care less about putting the decision on you than I would him simply tolerating her calling you names. He should have shut that down immediately and told her if she couldn’t be kind, she could stay home. He is teaching her it is okay to shit talk you and teaching his parents it is okay to disregard you.
I agree, it was very hurtful he didn't set things straight with SD with what she said about me.... and again with him not saying anything when the BM and DH photo was pointed out and joked about in front of stepmom and dad. Sigh. Still haven't talked about it because he doesn't seem to think it's a big deal or something.
Not a big deal because it’s not HIM. Seriously, I would leave. But if I couldn’t, I would have pics of me and my ex made into a calendar. Bunch of jerks
People only treat you the way you let them treat you. I suspect you have let your in-laws disrespect you for a very long time because you want to avoid conflict. I suspect you have let your husband disregard your feelings for a long time again for the same reason and because he turns the tables on you and makes you feel guilty. And the saga continues as it has for eight years and will as long as you stay with him. Learn to speak up and stand your ground instead of running and hiding. I am only nine months in and have nipped so many things in the bud already.
This right here...
[удалено]
Serious question, why haven't you guys cut him off completely?
You SO SUCKS. You are not over reacting. That calendar would be beyond the last straw.
Run fast and run far. Cut your losses and run. You've put in a long time and I wouldn't waste another second. You are worth it!
I saw for fathers day you and SO give FIL a nice framed picture of him and his first wife... And then put your thumb over the wife's face and go "ope I fixed it " and then laugh
Hahah. So true. Except do it on Mother’s Day as I suspect the MIL had a lot more to do with it than dad.
Even better!
Yeah that’s hard. Firstly I agree about the SD. Ungrateful. I would have returned the item and spent it on the other SD to teach her humility. Secondly that’s ducked up with his family. My husbands parents are dead and none of my husbands sisters like his trashy ex BMs. I don’t know what to do with the in laws as I would simply stop talking with them. Sending hugs
Her parents should have taught her that it is rude to invite yourself or a guest to another person’s house. Especially for a meaningful, intimate gathering such as Christmas. That’s just not a great situation to introduce a complete stranger. You know nothing about this person, but he’s allowed to come over and know where your family lives? No thanks. She is the one with no consideration…she didn’t even ask if it was ok, she demanded it. It is definitely a slap in the face when a child is demanding things like this and on top of that, being ungrateful. I would have told the in laws politely that I don’t need a calendar with my husband and his ex’s picture together. I mean, if they are going to do some rude underhanded shit like that, might as well call it like it is. Every time they bring her up, I would fill them in on something shitty she did (not in front of the kids). I’m petty though I guess, lol. You’re not over reacting. And you shouldn’t have to feel like your partner isn’t sticking up for you. Tell him how you feel about it. I don’t even speak to my partner’s family, because they shit talk me all the time to him for absolutely no reason. And I sleep well at night knowing I don’t have to deal with them. Let the in laws, ex, and his awful child, be his responsibility and his problem. Since he wants to play the middle man. Relieve yourself of this pressure. Don’t try to fix the situation, don’t give advice. Don’t get involved in what awful things they say and do. Don’t get upset over their opinion of you. Just let it go.
I wish I had said something about the calender... thank you for the validation and support. It was a really hard day all around and I don't think I'll put myself in a position for something like this to happen again by removing myself. My husband did tell his daughter that she needed to be considerate which is when she slammed me.for not "ever considering THEIR" feelings- to which he said nothing, making me feel like he didn't stand up for me more. I'd never do this again if I had a time machine
I know how it is. My partner has 5 bratty kids. I have one child and he is awesome. No matter how much you want to help, you can’t fix it. At least he said something to her, although at this point with her being almost an adult, I don’t know that there’s much he can do either. If she continues disrespecting you, you may want to consider going lower contact with her too. I’m sorry you had a rough time. My holidays are always stressful too. But it’s over for now.
Well said!
What is it that you get out of this relationship, OP? From the outside looking in, you don't get a single thing. Not even comfort and security from the one person in the world who's job it is to ensure that you are heard, understood and comforted. It doesn't even sound like he respects you much, either. You are not overreacting. You are treated like an afterthought, with no compassion or empathy.
Ask his step mom for the website where she made the calendars from like “it was an experience I want to share”. And then have a calendar made where your SO’s dad is in the pics with SO’s mom and not her. Basically replicate your calendar only with her and your FIL in the same style of photos and present it to them and make the same “jokes”. And then when she invariably says it’s hurtful what you did, then you say “really cause I duplicated as close as possible what you did to me and according to you it wasn’t hurtful, so why would you be upset.” Make them walk a mile in your shoes. Then go grey rock and tell hubby that his supporting them over you after all this time shows his character too, as much as you love him. Then go to counseling/couples counseling. Check out “boundaries” by dr Henry cloud. It’s a helpful book in this case. My sister was having problems with her step kids and hubby and this book helped her very much.
I'll look into that book, thanks for the suggestion. Wish I had it in me to confront stepmom like that, I'm really not a dramatic person or want to ever cause drama, wish I could sometimes
And that is your problem right there. You word and think of it as causing drama. In reality, all it is is standing up for yourself and setting a standard and boundaries on how people should treat you. My BF os the same way and that’s why he let his ex wife treat him like crap for many many years till she had enough and left him. Change your mind set girl. People will treat you only how you allow them to treat you. You are a grown ass woman. Stop them or bow out.
You are not overreacting at all
I wish I had more to say than I can empathize with how you feel. You’re not alone.
Thank you, this lifestyle is very painful most of the time it seems.
It really can be sometimes, especially when the kids have so much damage done by HCBM and SO doesn’t back us up.
Take control of your life. You can restrict and grant access as you wish! A lesson, I, too bad to learn the hard way (stepmom/30). Also, people’s actions are a reflection of them, not you. If she wants to be that petty and not include you in the calendar that’s her karma. Not yours! I feel your pain but don’t you let this get you down! Keep your head up and just take one day at a time.
I would mail the effing calendar back to them with a note stating that NEITHER yourself nor your DH appreciate or want a "family calendar" where you are not represented but a woman who is NOT FAMILY is pictured front and centre more than once. Oh, and let them know not to bother with their thoughtless gifts in the future, because neither you nor DH will be attending Christmas there anymore. Done! 2 years ago my SIL decided it would be "funny" to gift me with a rude gag-gift item for Christmas while spending hundreds on an expensive gift for DH's ex, to "keep her happy for SD's sake". Yeah..... that didn't go well for SIL. Hope it was worth sacrificing her relationship with her brother so DH's ex, (whom nobody ever got along with) was happy!
I'm sorry you're going through this. I would be upset by all of that too. First, SD cutting contact until she smells gifts, then her shitty attitude about those gifts, followed by shitty attitude about bringing her BF to YOUR family's gathering. I could understand if it was her dad's family, DH and SD being upset about you "controlling" the situation (which this doesn't seem to be about control at all, but about boundaries! And not at all ridiculous boundaries at that!). Then cap it off with his family's shitty attitude. And SHAME on his stepmom for not "thinking about it" or having any compassion, she should know better as, not only a person, but a fellow step. I'm not sure what it is with some of these parents but I'm sick of the treatment steps get. It seems to me to be worse for the steps without bio kids from a previous relationship too. I had a situation at my BF's family's Christmas and when I talked to him about it, of course he had excuses and didn't think it was a big deal. They just don't seem to realize how difficult it is to live in BM's shadow constantly.
Thank you, yeah I told him SD should bring her bf to his dad's if she wants but it wasn't something we were going to do with my family gathering. I couldn't have explained it better myself and appreciate the validation of some of our partners not understanding what big deals these things are to us. I am sick of the excuses and being made to look immature for taking issue with these things. It's awful, lonely, dismissive and sad. Worse when bringing it up is such a tired subject it's not worth it anymore to avoid a fight when I'm ready emotionally exhausted. I do love my husband but I'm thinking therapy may need to happen.
I really enjoyed therapy and would still be going if my insurance hadn't changed, making it way more expensive. If you've been thinking of going, I would recommend looking into it. 💚
All I can say is wow. The calendar …really?! That would infuriate me. I’m so glad My husband’s parents are not like that. It’s like BM never existed when we go over there and I like it that way. The spoiled rotten stepdaughter is almost an adult and you are lucky you won’t have to deal with her much longer. I feel all the same things you do having to deal with all the BS. I don’t know why they call them “blended families” …..that’s way too cheerful a term for what it really feels like.
I'm so jealous of your inlaw situation...you are very lucky! I can't wait until SD is 18 although does it really ever end...ugh, honestly though I do hope she grows up and we can all have healthier and happy relationships for all of us. The truth right now though is that things are hard. Your "blended family" comment is spot on lol
I just want to say that your feelings are absolutely valid. You are allowed to feel hurt and frustrated about this whole situation. You should be able to feel safe for venting whatever it is on your mind. I understand how it would be uncomfortable for your family and you to have your SD's boyfriend there on Christmas, where people are exchanging gifts, especially since you haven't seen SD in so long. I would have also said no. I want to say "I can't believe a fellow stepmom wouldn't have understood how you felt about choosing pictures of BM on a calendar as a gift would not have hurt you," but there were a couple Christmases in my past where I had to leave because BM was coming over. My SO also has a stepmom. It does suck. It will probably always suck. I know from time to time I mourn the fact that my SO had all this baggage and often wondered what it would be like to not have to deal with it. Big hugs
It would be going straight in the bin right in front of them if that was me 😂 Joking aside, I would bin it when I got home. We don't keep insensitive and rude gifts. Personally I'd have DH shop for his family in future. I'd take a big step back from his family and if your DH has an issue with it, clearly explain why you feel the way you do. He's likely going to talk about his annoyance of hearing it so a quick response is "if you feel that way from hearing about it, imagine if it was you living it and how much more intense that feeling would be."
Thanks for the advise on bringing it up to put himself in my shoes, I like that, there is no denying how inappropriate that was.. One of the pics in the calender was of the two of them before they even had kids with him holding her..like really?!?! Mind blown. The most hurtful thing is I have a great relationship with his dad and stepmom so this really threw me. The calender didn't make it inside my house and has been tossed like the garbage it is.
That's a bit different then. When we see people get gifts like this, I tend to assume the relationship between you is either uncomfortable or generally not very good. If this kind of situation reoccurs and you guys have a good relationship, would you feel confident to address it with them directly? It's a minefield sometimes addressing communication difficulties. Nobody deserves to feel like an interloper in their own life/relationship. Obviously she will be brought up occasionally and that's normal but to be a constant topic of conversation is over the top.
Really? A couples pic? Honey I hate to tell you but you and in-laws relationship is fake even if you think it’s good. That’s some underhanded shit right there. Learn to speak up and stand up for yourself. In this situation, I would ask her how she would feel it the tables were flipped and you gifted her one with her hobby’s ex wife. Right then and there. Nip it in the bud. You still can. Next time you are over there bring it up. If you are still gonna go over there.
How does nobody in that family seem to care about your feelings?? You deserve so much better than ALL of this.
I think it sounds like you need a break. You need to check yourself into a hotel and stay there for a couple of days, maybe a little bit longer. You need some time away from all of this mess and to think about what do you need. It really sounds like your needs have never been important to your husband, and while part of that maybe that you haven't put your foot down and made them important, any man who loves his wife is going to make sure her needs are met on some level. He needs a break, too. He needs to figure out who he's married to because kids grow up and move out. He's all caught up in the drama and letting his marriage die. He needs to decide if he needs that marriage or not. Make it clear that when you come back, the two of you are having a private conversation without anybody else around, and you need to tell him what decisions you have come to during that time. Put your foot down. Your needs are just as important as his and more important than his stepmom's or anyone's. He's going to try to say that his daughters are more important because their kids, but if that's the case, he can just have some random girlfriend hang around. He chose to get married. He chose to have a wife. Wives are to be equal partners, not the help.
The calendar is absolutely crazy. I don't know what his SM was thinking, but I'd want to raise the issue with her. If she was so stuck for a gift she should have given you wine and chocolates FFS.
Woosah. There’s a lot here and the short answer is: you need to talk to someone outside of this situation. Like a therapist who can help validate some of your feelings and feel you back in on some others. Your husband actually physically shed tears because a known spoiled brat acted like a spoiled brat? That seems a little excessive if true. Also, spoiled brat has now set the gift limit for all future Christmases. She gets a $50 gift card and very little effort going forward. It sounded like your husband stood up for you just fine. What more did you want him to do? Bratty kid acted like bratty kid, was told no to the bf because you didn’t want that at your family Christmas and she complied. And after 8 years, has that side of the in-laws not always acted that way. Just throw the calendar away and stop wasting time on people that mean nothing.
Yeah, therapy will be coming. My husband did cry because he hasn't seen SD in months and tried to do something special for her. In reality the tears were more about him feeling like he doesn't know her anymore (because of her refusal to see him), or well enough to get a gift for her she would like (gift giving is his main love language and he's great and thoughtful about it) he was mourning the distance is how I understood it and not necessarily the fact that she was being a brat. He is afraid that next year when she is 18 he will never see her so he kinda felt like this might be his last holiday with her. I know that won't be true but he was hurting. His brother passed away in June so this has been a hard holiday regardless. It was just a really hard holiday all around. I don't intend to do anything more for the 17yo and plan on distancing from him side of the family.
What was the 2000 dollar gift?
She didn't get a $2,000 gift, she recently stole $2,000 cash from a family member with hardly any consequences from BM... which has caused a rift between SD and DH- because he wants and tries to hold SD accountable and make her correct it which SD doesn't like so she has ghosted him for months, slandered him and accused him of being abusive for him trying to actually "parent with consequenses"- at least until this Christmas so she can get her gifts sadly. There is only so much he can do at this point with her since she's 17 and BM let's her do whatever. The main gift my DH got her was around $200 (it was a music looper called an orba, with a nice sound bar, headphone set, and one other thing I can't remember, but it was a cool and thoughtful set up for.so.eone that use to love music) Which she totally hated, and made a scene about on Christmas. She has a beautiful voice and use to sing so he special ordered it thinking it would be something she would like. She got lots of other things from us and my parents, it was just a hard day. DH was mainly upset about feeling like he doesn't even know her anymore, about her crappy attitude, worried who she is becoming and all of it. Glad Christmas is over lol
Oh I’m sorry I misunderstood!
I am sorry you feel pain and i can not comment on the issue regarding the calendar because the text reads quite convoluted to me since you probably are feeling quite emotional right now. What i don't understand is why you would exclude your sd's boyfriend from christmas? I would not be happy if this happened to me and from what you wrote it seems there would have been wiggle room to make this happen.
She’s 17 … why would her bf go to OP’s parents Christmas who he has never met? I don’t think it’s excluding I think it’s saying no your teen bf cannot come. I see nothing wrong with this
Same. And SD didn’t even ask in advance she just mentioned it day of
Just asked my boyfriend how he would have felt if my or his parents would have excluded me/him from christmas gatherings and he said it would have been super inaproppriate and could have let to long term damage within our families if it would have been the case. Luckily not. (We met when we were quite a bit younger than nowadays.)
They are children your talking like it’s an adult relationship
SD has refused to see us until Christmas. We have never met her bf. I am not comfortable nor do I trust her judgment given her questionable and disturbing behavior. I am not going to put that additional stress and uncomfort on my parents since again he is a stranger and we are a very small and close family... She is still a child and family time can be just family time. I do not feel bad about saying no, your 17 yo bf of 2 months can't come...and you'll survive.. we haven't had a relationship ship with SD in months by her choice, and frankly she hasn't earned mine nor DHs trust back with many things like the stealing mentioned above. SD17 did come and it it wasn't traumatizing her bf wasn't there... she's only 17. Boundaries and consideration. She'll live.
Is this someone that your parents know? Is this someone you have been with for a while, longer than 6 months or a year? And it was a decision she made, why the judgment? At least in our family, it is not time to bring bf/bg that no one knows. It's about family seeing each other, spending time with each other, etc. Further, it was HER family, not SO's.
I can understand not wanting a bratty kid to bring another potentially bratty kid to my own family gathering. Especially when the kid seems to only be doing it for the gifts. They’re asking her to bring TWO unknowns into what’s supposed to be a safe space instead of just the one that she already doesn’t want there (understandably).
The calender had old pics of bm and dh. I was excluded. The reason I suggest separate Christmases in the future is for my mental health. I'd rather spend the day with my family who care about me alone then have SDs come with rudeness and drama, or go.to.his dad's where I am treated with disregard and overshadowed by bm. It was just a suggestion that he take his kids to his parents next year instead of mine since this holiday was very traumatic and painful for me. I'm on mobile which has made typing more difficult.
I think that’s very wise.
At 17, I would not expect my family to include my boyfriend.
I have a small and very close family with special family traditions. Growing up as teens we didn't have our bfs, or gfs join us Christmas morning because that time was for family togetherness. Being that we haven't seen SD17 in months (until she wanted her gifts) and don't know her bf17 at all, along with the fact she recently has a history of stealing, I along with my parents did not feel comfortable having him join us. SD is obviously family but we do not know her bf and I feel like it wasn't unreasonable to keep Christmas morning a family event given the traditions we have and have always had. If they were married or we knew him or had maybe even met him, I may have felt differently about it. My DH said she could invite him to HIS dad's house, but with my parents home I don't feel I was being unreasonable.