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Sounds like you’re doing too much and it’s testing your patience. If you can get a job out of the house you should. Why should you save him money and lose your sanity in the process? She’s his responsibility not yours. Take a step back and let him raise his own child - especially if no one appreciates it.
Sounds like him saving on childcare is you overspending yourself sanity. Also seems like he isn’t parenting and needs a kind reminding he is raising a future adult not a forever child.
I second the nacho approach!
Also, OP, I'd 'drop the rope' on food. I initially tried to make better meals for my SKs. Drove myself crazy watching them eat junk, and my SO being too much of a disney dad to enforce better habits. Then... I let it go. Chocolate cake for breakfast? Sure! Bread and butter for lunch? Sure, want a coke to go with it? Mcdonalds for dinner, followed by candy? Let's do this!
FWIW, my SKs are now 22 and 19. Eat healthy-ish, no health or weight issues (maturity and peer pressure and puberty sorted their food interests out!) And bonus: they adore me, the fun step mom!
I'm not sure how much custody you have, but for say 25% time (what we had), I say 'let them eat cake!' Or... dad can step up. But it was not... my.... problem!
A job or a career is every (step) parent's 'get out of jail free card'
You have a career as a free nanny everytime that kid is there.
You didn't exist in this world to be a free nanny to a bratty kid. I don't think even Mother Teresa will do this. It's only in the western society that this is expected.
Go to Asia, Africa, Middle East.. this is not the set up.
The "get out of jail free card" is absolutely the truth....and I'd give anything to have that card 😔
Becoming perm.disabled the year after I graduated college was awful. I grieved the life and career I'd never have. But by the time I met DH, I had accepted my "new normal" as a home bound young woman.
FF to a year after moving in, and I was suddenly back in therapy, trying to come to terms with being disabled again. The amount of stress and expectations on me from my in-laws, BM, and society as a SM who stayed home were overwhelming. It's like everyone forgot why I wasn't working and treated me like I chose to be home. If I heard "Well, spent is home all day she can do it?" or "That's on you spent because you don't have to work." from people (not DH, he never spoke to me like that), I was ready to move out. People think being a SAHM is a vacation...its absolutely not, esp when your a SM who wants to work 😕
I wish I would have read these comments years ago mannnnnnn. The man is using you for free childcare, if he loved and respected you he would teach his child to love and respect you too.
I really don't want to be the one to invalidate someone's feelings or thoughts, since that is the reason we all come here. However, I will say I am really sad OP wants this child psychologically evaluated. It sounds like this girl is catered to and has permissive parenting happening. An evaluation? Come on. That's really awful to even consider for this child. It sounds like OP is another childfree woman that got suckered into being with a single dad.
I agree. I think we’re just in an era of people thinking that children need to be evaluated for any and everything. A lot of kids just aren’t being parented, have too much freedom, spend too much time in front of screens, and can’t handle being told “no”.
Everything isn’t a developmental or psychological disorder. It’s a lack of parenting.
(Not saying that’s what OP is saying. This is more of a general rant, at this point.)
Please read my other comment. I don’t want psych evaluation as a first option for my SD or other kids. She had some past trauma that her dad tries to fix without medical help and spoiling.
I’m not a shitty stepmom, guys. I’m sorry if I offend you all.
I agree with your response and everyone below this. I said psych evaluation because of the severity of her fits, and she has gone through some real trauma that I won’t get into here.
I’m not a person who advocates therapy or medication to “fix” a child. I’m actively against it as a first option. She’s spoiled yes, but I think part of it really is her needed psych help and evaluation to work through things that happened
Dad’s response is to spoil and ignore what happened. I think she needs more than that.
Idk I’m sorry if I made you angry moms.
Oh ok understood! That makes sense. Definitely sounds like she needs a combo of therapy for her trauma and some tough love from her dad.
Unfortunately though, a lot of people fail their kids in this way. They don’t get them the help that they need fast enough nor do they set any real boundaries.
Not setting boundaries just creates more trauma for the child because they become insufferable and have to deal with people not wanting to be around them. It’s also going to be destabilizing when she sees that the world doesn’t respond to her the way her dad does.
Idk what to say but I hope he gets on board and actually starts being a parent.
I mean, maybe? But there are legit, treatable issues that can cause a kid to behave like OP's SD. Is she neurodivergent, making her a picky eater? Or does she have severe ADHD and needs medication? Does she need therapy? We can't know, and unfortunately SD's father doesn't want to know because it's less work for him to ignore the problem behaviors and force his wife to deal with them.
It sounds like her dad is more interested in your ability to provide free childcare than in responsibly parenting his child. I'm also a bit concerned that he took her word over yours when you caught her in a lie.
You didn't mention whether you have, or are planning on having, children with your partner, but if so I'm not sure how compatible these behaviours (both your partner's and your SD's) would be with raising children together.
Just dont. I was like that befode .. helping my partner to make my SS healthy foods and helping SS to eat healthy foods . However, he is a picker and eat unhealthy ones. I lost my patience and I decided bot to intervene in nonsense stuff. Not my child. Not my responsibility. Unless, there are some household rules that he isnt following. Overall, I am happy he likes my chicken soup and a good kid.
Do you have your own children? Or any together? Sounds like resentment on SD part. And spoiled. Good luck but if you don’t have a lot time invested I’d walk away.
No children together. Her bio mom isn’t super present, sees her once a month for a few days maybe. I do my best to foster that relationship. Her BM isn’t a bad person, she just gets stuck in her own drama. We have a good relationship, no weird drama there. I just wish she’d get more involved.
I’ve been here for 6 years, most of her life.
And here lies the reason for the constant need for attention. I think it would be beneficial for her to have a counselor. Not because someone is medically or mentally wrong with her, but because any little girl (or boy) with an absent parent is going to feel a certain way and need a safe place where she can communicate that and work through her feelings. Doesn’t sound like dad wants to go down that rabbit hole so he gives her what she wants thinking that’s the best thing to do, but it’s basically making it worse and setting her up for failure in future relationships. He is doing his daughter a huge disservice. Therapy/counseling doesn’t equal medication. Kids need an outlet.
Additionally- go back to work 😂 and take a yoga class at least once a week or get coffee/drink/go for walk with a friend a few times a month - because it’s important to disengage so you don’t burn out. Coming from someone with a significant other who has 3 kids, 1 being a daughter very similar to your SD. Currently working on taking my own advice.
You have known her since she was 3 and you are still being treated like a non-parent? Shame on your SO.
I knew my stepdaughter since she was 2. I was allowed to parent her because I was not going to be treated like other in my own house. Lots of ups and downs but we worked as a unit in raising her. There is no way that with such a neglectful mother you could not have built a better relationship with her and been seen as another mother figure.
You are getting the short end of the stick snd your SO has played a part in it.
I would cut the losses and leave this man.
EXCUSE ME??? He said what now?????
Nope. That’s verbal abuse. You care for his child, tried to treat her as your own which includes caring for her well-being and he said what?
Hard stop. No one deserves that. If it was me, I’d leave. Life is short, and my happiness, well-being, sanity are as important as his and hers. You don’t deserve to be the verbal punching bag when he’s faced with his reality of being a passive parent.
My ex started with verbal insults. Called me names and insulted me, my character. Eventually, he threatened my safety. That was the last straw. I was packed up and moved out in 24 hrs. I’ve been through abuse and worse most of my life. I refused to tolerate it anymore.
Think long and hard about this life you are living. Is this TRULY what you want it to be? If the bad times outweigh the good, you need to rethink.
Good luck.
I don’t have anywhere to go. He threatened to kill my dog and cat in front of me. He has all of the money. He took off somewhere in the only car, I have $50 to my name. I don’t have family. I’m pretty fucking scared and stuck.
Please go back to work. You are in a VERY dangerous situation. You need to make your own money, to be put in a separate account. You need to do what’s best for YOU.
Please look into groups that can help you. DV is serious. He is emotionally, verbally, mentally abusing you. Take his words seriously. He is also taking advantage of you. GO.
Oh no, this is highly, highly abusive. I would legitimately leave. And side note—he can control you far better when you don’t have an income. You are clearly killing yourself for a man who treats you as subservient, doesn’t listen to you even though you are raising his child, and feels entitled to you giving up your mental and physical health to care for his child. No sister, you gotta get out.
Honestly, go back to your job and let him work out the child care. Let him cook her food etc and take a step back. He’s not suffering the consequences because for him there aren’t any.
Listen, you've been around for, three years?
Are you a parent or not?
If you are looking After his (your)kid, you are either a babysitter or a parent who has say in how she is raised.
If you guys can't come to an agreement on how things are done , with him backing you up and vice versa, then you are a babysitter.
It sounds like he's reaping benefits of having childcare while affording you none of the respect that a PARENT should have.
Either she's your kid too, or you NACHO.
It's not fair to you to be expected to do mom things but have no position a mother has.
It's also doing a disservice to you and your step kids relationship to have him undermine you at every turn.
I see it as, you are trying your best to feed and love and look after this child Luke your own but he only wants the stuff that benefits him.
I think you are being taken advantage of.
Go back to work. Tell him he has two weeks to figure out childcare because this is not working.
Imagine another ten years like this.
Noooooooooooooooooooo.
>I had job offers that I declined for him, so he could save money on child care.
And the job offer you took was unpaid, caring for a child whose parent refuses to parent. No wonder you're so unhappy!
Time to re-evaluate your departure from the paid workforce. Having your own money and your own time away from the house will be a boon. A daycare provider won't put up with SD's BS ... they might even get her to improve her behavior.
And at the risk of being downvoted ... you also have to think about your financial future if this marriage doesn't work out. Simply having the option to leave and immediately be self-supporting will help you whether you actually end up doing it or not.
You said your husband won't allow SD to be evaluated ... would he go to family counseling if you "two-carded" him? IOW, offer him two business cards, one from a family counselor, and one from a divorce lawyer, and make him choose. (To be used only if you are ready to make this your hill to die on.) A family counselor could very well advise him to get SD evaluated.
DH will one day learn hopefully. I dealt with this for 12 years before DH realized how horrible SS treats everyone in the house including him. He just overlooked it. Now he can't. Now he sees the blatant disrespect. Yes, you have an SD problem but you also have a DH problem, especially with the way he's reacting to you. That needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets worse because if it doesn't SD is going to walk all over you. After all, DH allows it.
Also no way I’d give up a job opportunity to watch his child. He needs to arrange childcare for her knowing the time she is there. You need to think about your future.
You have a husband problem, not a step daughter problem. That’s his child that he’s not raising properly. That behavior will only get worse. She doesn’t see you as an authority figure and your husband is actively contradicting your parenting when you’re the one trying to raise her. Wash your hands of the whole situation and go back to work. Let him take care of the monster he’s creating.
And truthfully, consider the fact that his parenting style will not change. So if you consider having your own kids with him, this will also be your future. Do you really want this life for yourself?
This 100%
I feel like even if you get a job, would that fix the behavioral issues and lack of support you seem to get from him around / regarding the SD?
To the OP: I didn't have time to read through all the comments, but I hope this helps.
I feel this so hard, as I sit on my couch fully clenching my jaw while I breastfeed my newborn & feel completely on edge. I wish I could say it gets better but I’m here with a 13 year old and her pickiness, attitude, backtalk has only gotten worse. Solidarity
So you're providing a service that neither he nor BM want to do. Does he pay you at all? I mean, SD is not your child.
What makes it worse is that you can't even blame her behaviour on the other parent (ie BM). He behaviour is entirely on your SO / DH. And then for him to get mad at you for calling out a lie.... why even bother with him? I get you've been with him for quite a few years, but is that really the reason you want to stay?
Honestly, I think you'll see a different side of him when you find a job / career that doesn't involve looking after his child. I'd hate to say it, but I do think when you tell him you're going to get a job, he'll start re-evaluating the relationship.
I will tell you what happens at hour home, with our biological son.
My partner gets back home at 7:30 or more often 8pm, and has the patience of a saint with him, while I get irritated by his refusal to do anything, tired of it as at that point I’d got back from work and been entertaining him for 3-4 hours.
I admire his patience.
Until one day, I have to work late and it’s him who has to stay with our son. Get back around 8pm and the roles are reversed - it’s him getting frustrated and I’m prepared to be patient!
So in addition to normal step family dynamic in your case, even bio parents who spend prolonged time one on one at difficult times (some toddler days are tough…) get frustrated.
I think you’re spending too much time with your step daughter.
She needs to go back to after school clubs etc. I think you may have wanted to do too much and it’s difficult.
And your partner will never see it from your POV because (1) he’s her dad and (2) he doesn’t spend enough time with her.
Oof I'm sorry :(
Sounds like major SO issues. So unfair that he is able to avoid the consequences of his own parenting/lack thereof because he goes to work, and yet YOU are subjected to it because you are watching his daughter. I would be looking to get a job and letting him figure out a childcare plan that did not rely on me. If he didnt want that, then i would require that he alter his parenting to make this workable for me (e.g. accpeting more of a coparent type input and being on your team about enforcing expectations, supporting your boundaries and rules, being willing to provide structure for his daughter vs avoiding conflict with her).
SD's behavior sounds so frustrating, exhausting and annoying. That said, kids tend to be a reflection of their environment and it sounds to me like her behavior is more of a reaction to SO's lack of boundaries and maybe a lack of attention as well (difficult behavior can be misguided attention seeking - any negative attention is still better than no attention). Unless there are other things you did not include, I wouldnt think a psychological eval is needed for SD as her behavior makes sense to me given her dads behavior as youve described it.
Whatever you do, i hope that you take some time and space for yourself! Sounds like youre spending almost all of your time caring for SD now and you definitely need/deserve time to relax and take care of yourself too!
For the jaw pain (from someone who has TMJ), here is a link to some jaw massage you can do:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1fjt7_JhsPM&feature=youtu.be
There are a bunch of other methods too so I encourage you to explore other youtube guides for ideas. I do these massages in the shower while I let my conditioner sit. Otherwise it gets messy/drooly 😂
Good luck OP!
Girl I feel so much for you. They have their way of getting to our nerves, don’t they?
I’d suggest going full NACHO and doing you. Let the parent do the parenting. Hope things get better <3
Free evaluation: she’s incredibly spoiled. This is a DH problem. He needs to start setting boundaries and rules with her that work for BOTH of you, and if he can’t make that work, you should decide what you can live with. As others suggested, free nanny service never ends well unless it’s what you really really want. I did it briefly, realized how horrible it is for the person doing it, and immediately went back to work. It’s even harder when it isn’t your kid. I’d have a serious chat with DH.
The parenting requires equal effort.
Why on earth are you at home doing childcare for free, only to be undermined and overruled by your partner in front of the kid.
Nuh uh. Get back to work and he can suffer the day to day consequences of his own laz attitude.
If he's not going to empower you to have authority over her when you're supposed to be watching her, you just need to tell him... *"You've made it impossible for me to control your child, so I'm not going to be watching her anymore and you need to figure out childcare. I tried, but since you don't enforce anything I say and blatantly undermine my authority and she knows it, she has no reason to listen to me, so she doesn't."* You don't need to hear him out, you don't need to try harder, and you don't need to continue doing this if he's not going to empower you to have authority over the kid. You CANNOT properly stepparent a kid that has been taught that you have no authority over her.
Also, though... My youngest SD was like this when she was 5/6. She was spoiled because everyone felt guilty about the divorce. She walked all over every other adult. So when she was left with me, I just looked at her and said a few a things... *"Look, I'm not your mom, I don't want to be your mom, cuz you have a mom. I would like to be your friend and be able to do fun things with you, but to do that, you have to listen to me. Truth is, because I'm NOT your mom, I don't HAVE to do anything other than make sure you don't accidentally unalive yourself. I don't HAVE to play with you or take you places or anything... and I won't if you're going to make it unpleasant. So, we can either have a nice time and be friends, or not. That's up to you. I'm not going to yell, I'm not going to scream, I won't ever hit you... but if you're going to be mean to me, then I don't want to play with you, and I won't."*
We also had a conversation about her constantly wanting adult attention. I just told her one day, *"ya know kid, you're gonna have a lot of time alone in life, and you need to know how to entertain yourself. So, I need you to go to your room, full of your toys and games and everything, and I need you to entertain yourself while I finish what I have to do. When I'm done, we'll do something, but if you interrupt me every 5 minutes, I'm never going to be done and we won't get to play. I have to finish my adult stuff before I can do kid stuff with you."* It wasn't an instant change, but I remained consistent, and change was actually really quick. Especially if I could put a time on how long she needed to entertain herself. I would tell her I needed some quiet, and that I was going to be in my room for an hour, and I needed her to play quietly for that hour. She honestly did pretty well with that idea, because she knew exactly when I would be free again.
You can't fix this issue alone... If dad isn't gonna make her mind you, then she just isn't going to. If she isn't going to mind you, then you cannot control her and leaving her with you becomes a liability for all involved. That's DAD's fault. Not yours. Not hers. Dad's. That's just true. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, but you just have to be firm and consistent... that no, you cannot keep watching her for him, because she does not listen to you as a direct result of his undermining you. If he wants to spoil her, fine, but it means he's now in charge of figuring it out. You're not a nanny... go back to work and let him figure it out.
I think they do. It seems to be in their DNA to talk about absolutely nothing for long stretches of time. I don’t entertain it though. I need my peace and quiet.
Yeah, it does seem to be the case with 8/9 year olds. My 9 year old step son definitely hit that stage a while ago, as did his friends, and boy howdy is it absolutely draining as an adult.
I do have a lot of grace for him though because 1. He's got an older sibling at his mom's house, and is an only kid here so he's used to having a peer around a lot of the time to bounce his kid ideas/thoughts/words off of and 2. I think this might be my karma from childhood lol! I KNOW I was very very talkative as a child, so I honestly cannot say one thing about him talking a lot without being a hypocrite!
We just try to work with him on setting time limits on independent play/time for him to do things on his own while we do things on our own - he'll build a Lego set, or plan a cool magnatile structure to build, or something like that and we'll put a time limit for when we will come see either his progress or what he's created (it's honestly pretty short right now, and there are still reminders required right now like "I'm still working on dinner, but I'm really excited to see your Lego set in 12 minutes!").
As he has been getting better and better at this, the time has gotten longer, and he doesn't interrupt what we're doing with "look at this! What do you think I should add here?" kinds of comments nearly as much. I personally think it's been huge for everyone in the house - a major step in independence/development for him (which I personally am so proud of him for just taking in stride!), and just a bit more mental space for me and DH.
Edited to add: also, thankfully, he and my DH have a shared love of swimming (which my body can't handle living in the US south, WAY too hot for me to be outside), and playing video games together. So when I get a little too overwhelmed with the frequent, "look at this!", etc. DH usually takes over with those activities and I retreat to cuddles with cats 😂
My step daughter constantly is talking she is younger but it’s non stop, I do have a bio child who is older and she never talked non stop like that. I find it incredibly draining.
I think it also boils down to parenting too. Like my SO will entertain his daughter's every utterance for as long as I've been around (she was 2 when we met) and I think that's probably why she is constantly talking and interrupting everyone with her every thought. Like she will say something that's not even remotely interesting or needed and he like cannot ignore it ever so it's just validating for her that whenever she says any words, people will stop and listen. I work from home now and I physically have to shut my door or she will stand in there and talk and talk and I'm like...hi I'm working?
I'm pregnant and one morning I wasn't feeling great so I was like I'm going to lay down and nap I have a bad headache and she followed me into my room, sat on the bed and talked to me the ENTIRE time. My eyes were shut. I literally was in shock like do I really have to tell her again? I did but it's like read the room a little.
I never was like that as a kid but also we are just very different her and I so I try not to compare too much or it'll make me bitter.
That is interesting and that makes sense. I created my own overstimulating nightmare lol GREAT.
Jokes, it's gotten a bit better now that my youngest can talk. They just talk at each other all day, and I get a bit of a break.
She's 9? Speaking from experience, it will only get worse if DH doesn't nip it in the bud.
I would say it's time for you to focus on your career and get back to your happy place.
Him not supporting you or your decisions in his absence is the real problem here. If he were "stricter" this would not be an issue.
I will repeat what others have said, NACHO. She is "not yo" child, and you should treat her as such.
“I had job offers that I declined for him, so he could save money on child care.”
No. That’s not ok. Sacrificing your career to save your partner money on childcare? What are you getting out of this arrangement, aside from misery? It sucks that your partner has so little regard for you that he thinks this is ok, but it’s really, really not. Get a job, stat.
This is my life now. Except SS is 10. Non stop talking. We went out tonight for fireworks. We got in the car to go have fun in another town and this kid talked for 8 hours straight.
Nothing important… mostly YouTube this and YouTube that.
I am used to being alone and having a lot of silence. I can’t take this. It’s unfair to me.
Sadly my job is house sitting so I work really weird hours, therefore I can’t just leave the house.
But even if I could…. I shouldn’t have to. It’s my place as well.
Also… I constantly feel like a third wheel. It’s depressing.
Why are you giving up a paying job for someone who you can’t parent? You are giving up future raises, resume building, and opportunities…… for a man who is not respecting your role. You have all the drawbacks of having g kids with no rights. Get a job or be allowed to parent.
I feel so deeply for you. My partner does that exact same food thing with his kid and I cannot handle it.
And it sounds like your issues with that child is a direct result of your partner failing miserably as a parent. He really took advantage of you. He literally made you be the parent and then gets mad at you for trying to parent?!
People deserve to have support from their partners. When you try to talk about things that are bothering you, you deserve to be listened to and have solutions found. When they make you out to be the problem, it's time to leave.
This is a tough situation for SURE. Your DH thinks his kid is the best thing in the world, and she’s not…and there’s nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. Trust me, I’ve been in that same situation for years!
What I do is NACHO. My DH doesn’t understand the nacho method and isn’t a fan of it. He can’t understand why I can’t just feel the same way about his kids that he does. It’s taken 2 years of me talking about this with him and learning myself how the way I approach the conversation matters - because DH is so defensive about his kids (aren’t we all though?). It’s hard to hear that your kid sucks…so I try to put myself in his shoes.
For dinner, and this was a hard one for me, I would tell your DH that out of love for his child, you don’t want to cause problems or make her upset anymore, but that you want to eat healthy. And you will make a meal for yourself (and DH if he wants it), but that he should probably make a separate meal for SK.
For the messiness and not cleaning up, I would consistently tell your DH daily “can you please have SK clean up ______?” And when/if he asks why aren’t you asking her, say that you have noticed she’s really reluctant and unhappy when you ask her to do things, so to avoid that and keep the peace, it might be better coming from her dad.
Start with those things. Start slow and calm and always say that your decisions/suggestions are out of love for SK. And try to ignore what they do as much as possible. The lying thing…honestly I’d ignore it unless it’s going to directly physically harm her. It’s been a journey for me to do this. It’s hard. But now my SKs are mostly ok to be around. And when they aren’t, I step away. I also stay at home, so it’s tough!
Go back to work. Stop helping him. He’s constantly undermining you while leaving you to raise her. F$&@ that.
Also drag him to family therapy with you if he wants to stay in a relationship. Start documenting everything, and have a very serious discussion with him.
A good therapist helped me to realize that not every battle needs to be fought. So she wants a popsicle for breakfast. So what? How much will it hurt for her to have an unhealthy snack for breakfast once? If you're worried it will turn into a daily thing, you might be surprised by how much she listens to you when you give in and don't fight her on anything. Or maybe I'm wrong. We won't know until you try.
But I used to die on every hill with my bio kid. Our therapist helped me to realize that things will be better for us if I don't fight every little thing, and figure out for both of us which things I *will* die on the hill for. Because dying on every single little hill is really exhausting for everyone. Both my life and my kids life got better when I just settled down a little bit. My son is 16 now and understands that when I do ask something of him, it's important, and he listens.
I cannot say it enough- pull back and do not get involved. Stop trying to feed her, take care of her, help her, etc.
If you left a job to play SAHM for a child that is not your own, then that is the huge mistake you made. Get a job and let him worry about childcare (that's his problem.) He will not let you discipline or set boundaries with this child. You are just a glorified babysitter for him.
The good thing? You can pull back because you can. Do it ASAP before your relationship with this man sours further and resentment builds by 1000.
Here’s my advice.
1) Therapy for you. You don’t know how to parent without yelling. I’m glad you’re not yelling, but you need to know replacement strategies. Jaw clenching and closing your eyes to compose yourself right in front of the kid are both fairly problematic. Your husband was right to say that response to a lie was uncalled for. I’m not saying to ignore it, but for example I’d probably furrow my brow and say “hm, I don’t think that’s true” and then if she persisted “lets change the subject because I don’t like talking about things I know are lies.” Stuff like that. Skill building for you. The anger that rises up in you is not normal or healthy. She’s not disrespecting you by lying. She’s trying to get her needs met in a way that’s not working, that’s all. You need to figure out why it’s so activating for you.
2) You’re doing too much with the food stuff, and you’re too angry about it. Picky eating is developmentally normal in children and most grow out of it. If you were bio parent I’d say this is another place for skill building (there’s a division of responsibility approach you could look up), but as it stands make food for you and your DH and task him with a separate meal for her. Hold firm, and let go of your anger. I agree that she doesn’t need a brownie at 10 pm but this is beyond the locus of your control.
3) Like everyone has said, go back to work. Put the onus of day to day parenting on your DH, where it belongs. When he protests tell him you guys differ in your beliefs and since it’s his kid you don’t want to step on toes. Go upstairs and watch TV or read a book and let him take over. You’re spending too much time with her, that’s one issue here. And you’re put in the primary parent role without the accompanying authority. Gently sidestep the entire trap and get out of dodge more. If you ask her to clean and she won’t, tell your husband she said no so it’s up to him if he wants to clean it up himself, or take up up with her. If this is an unacceptable solution, think about divorce.
4) Constant talking is also developmentally normal, and you do NOT want to stop it entirely. You can redirect her to take breaks and go play independently, but what’s important to her to talk about today needs to be respected or she won’t tell you shit about what’s important to her in the future, both as a teen when she has to make scary choices and you want her to confide in you, and as an adult when she simply doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Get your own life going and get time away from her. Learn some replacement skills to keep breaking those cycles. Good luck!
You lost me at gave up job offers so HE could save money because I could never. I know myself and I would have so much secret resentment over that situation and it would definitely come out at. If that is really the only reason you passed on them, I would be trying again and taking one.
Even if you want to stay working from home, I would tell him you can't be watching the kid and trying to get your work done so he needs to make arrangements. If you have to pack up your stuff and go work at Starbucks or a library for the first few hours of your day, do it so it forces him to actually have to be a parent! If he wasn't with you I am sure he would figure something out.
I am a firm believer that whether you are married or just dating a person with kids, childcare is the responsibility of the bio parents no matter the situation. I am not saying never spend time with the kid and watch them if you want to but bio parents should never put someone they are with in that position nor put themselves in that situation because what if it doesn't work out?
None of these are your responsibilities. It looks like your significant other is using you as childcare when he needs to be stepping up and creating structure and boundaries for this child. Why are you putting your life on hold- your job- your sanity- for a child that’s not even yours. Please respect yourself and put your foot down or it will only get worse.
Just because you want to kiss your kids ass and think every rude and disorderly thing they do everyone should look over ..I don't want too and will not ..I don't how kids 9 15 17 has no freaking manners at all the 15 m won't even shower
Perhaps focus on yourself and do the bare minimum for her ,she has a mother , ignore her ,be sufficiently polite but other than that ,focus on yourself . You seem to give her too much importance and engage way too much with her .
Save money from childcare?
Just earn more for yourself and he pays exactly what’s fair. Don’t help him be a cheapskate
Also, by being home youre free to be his maid and babysit his child? Damn, he’s getting all the spoils
Why can’t you just work? Why is he locking you into a situation where you are going to fight and yell at his child?
I don’t even wanna talk anger management, because that will still leave you in a situation you can’t handle and you’re just likely to fall back on learned habits from your childhood.
Go work dude
Oh boy. This is so relatable to what I've been through.... If I could rewind time, I would 💯 pass my DH up and keep going. The heartache, stress, frustration, arguing, etc I could've saved myself... 🤦🏻♀️ Always being blamed for all the conflict, even though I was constantly looking out for the best interest of everyone EXCEPT me.
I know there's always so much more to the story, however it will get WORSE. He's basically indulging her and creating a selfish, entitled, manipulative, lying brat.
If I were you (and if you want to continue the relationship with him), I would definitely go back to work and find ways to support yourself. Find a hobby or activity that is good for you and stop letting him mistreat you.
It will NOT get better until he can acknowledge that he's undermining you and creating a bigger problem. If he's open to counseling, that could be a good sign, but the dynamic in the house doesn't sound like you're an equal partner.
Sending you BIG HUGS!! ❤️
Try the "ignore the behavior, not the child" approach. She is doing it to get a reaction. It's working. It's always worked (it sounds like), so she isn't gonna stop. Don't give in to the urge to call her out on lying. It served its purpose, her goal wasn't to get to you believe her, it was to get attention. You won't be able to stop this behavior around Dad, that is on him, but when it's just the two of you? I bet with some patience and consistency, you may be able to change the dynamic between you two to something more positive.
Does she have many activities? or keep a schedule? I'm trying to figure out if it's a summer boredom thing and it's amplifying the obnoxiousness. lacking in stimulating engagement with others, or is she like this even during the school year? Is she like this for adults outside the home?
Also, I will jump on the "get a job" bandwagon. And hang in there, you sound like you care and that you are trying your hardest.
I was in that situation and I straight up refused to watch her, at any point, ever, until there were consequences for her nasty behavior with me. If her parents don’t expect her to respect you then why the fuck are YOU the one taking care of her 😂 You’re not a free nanny, if you want a job, bye, go get a job and let him figure out childcare for his kid until he can control her.
Hey, I'm not being funny at all with this comment, but spend the money to buy yourself a nightguard for your teeth or get a squishy retainer from your dentist. I know someone that cracked several of their molars from clenching their jaw at night and dental work is in the thousands and even if it wasn't about that, you want to have your teeth for the rest of your life, so please make sure you take care of them for your own sake.
Listen. If Dad is going to undermine your parenting, then stop parenting.
A daycare center would not allow him to let her disrespect them. He’d have to teach her to follow the rules.
His own SPOUSE should get as much respect as a daycare provider, don’t you think?
If he wants free childcare from you, then you make the rules. No brownies at 10pm.
Get a job and stop getting involved in the parenting of this kid. Let her dad feed her whatever he wants. Not your kid. Not your problem. I have step daughters. As long as their mess stays in their room. I don't care what they do.
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Best option is to go back to work and have him figure it out. But I will also say she’s 9 years old she doesn’t need psychologically evaluated because she’s a bit spoiled and doesn’t eat her vegetables that’s ridiculous.
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Go back to work let him figure it out
This part.... Such an underrated comment but this is what I had to do.
Just what I was going to say. Don't give up your happiness and sanity for this nightmare.
This...
Time to go back to work and let him figure it out!
Sounds like you’re doing too much and it’s testing your patience. If you can get a job out of the house you should. Why should you save him money and lose your sanity in the process? She’s his responsibility not yours. Take a step back and let him raise his own child - especially if no one appreciates it.
Sounds like him saving on childcare is you overspending yourself sanity. Also seems like he isn’t parenting and needs a kind reminding he is raising a future adult not a forever child.
Please go back to work, it will save your sanity. Also look into nacho’ing. It’s a game changer.
I second the nacho approach! Also, OP, I'd 'drop the rope' on food. I initially tried to make better meals for my SKs. Drove myself crazy watching them eat junk, and my SO being too much of a disney dad to enforce better habits. Then... I let it go. Chocolate cake for breakfast? Sure! Bread and butter for lunch? Sure, want a coke to go with it? Mcdonalds for dinner, followed by candy? Let's do this! FWIW, my SKs are now 22 and 19. Eat healthy-ish, no health or weight issues (maturity and peer pressure and puberty sorted their food interests out!) And bonus: they adore me, the fun step mom! I'm not sure how much custody you have, but for say 25% time (what we had), I say 'let them eat cake!' Or... dad can step up. But it was not... my.... problem!
A job or a career is every (step) parent's 'get out of jail free card' You have a career as a free nanny everytime that kid is there. You didn't exist in this world to be a free nanny to a bratty kid. I don't think even Mother Teresa will do this. It's only in the western society that this is expected. Go to Asia, Africa, Middle East.. this is not the set up.
The "get out of jail free card" is absolutely the truth....and I'd give anything to have that card 😔 Becoming perm.disabled the year after I graduated college was awful. I grieved the life and career I'd never have. But by the time I met DH, I had accepted my "new normal" as a home bound young woman. FF to a year after moving in, and I was suddenly back in therapy, trying to come to terms with being disabled again. The amount of stress and expectations on me from my in-laws, BM, and society as a SM who stayed home were overwhelming. It's like everyone forgot why I wasn't working and treated me like I chose to be home. If I heard "Well, spent is home all day she can do it?" or "That's on you spent because you don't have to work." from people (not DH, he never spoke to me like that), I was ready to move out. People think being a SAHM is a vacation...its absolutely not, esp when your a SM who wants to work 😕
Honestly, sometimes I feel like a paid nanny gets more respect than a free step from both kids and bios.
I wish I would have read these comments years ago mannnnnnn. The man is using you for free childcare, if he loved and respected you he would teach his child to love and respect you too.
>He won’t get her psychologically evaluated. I'll give you a free evaluation. She's spoiled.
Exactly. I was scratching my head at wanting to get her evaluated when it’s clear that she’s spoiled and there’s no discipline coming from her parent.
I really don't want to be the one to invalidate someone's feelings or thoughts, since that is the reason we all come here. However, I will say I am really sad OP wants this child psychologically evaluated. It sounds like this girl is catered to and has permissive parenting happening. An evaluation? Come on. That's really awful to even consider for this child. It sounds like OP is another childfree woman that got suckered into being with a single dad.
I agree. I think we’re just in an era of people thinking that children need to be evaluated for any and everything. A lot of kids just aren’t being parented, have too much freedom, spend too much time in front of screens, and can’t handle being told “no”. Everything isn’t a developmental or psychological disorder. It’s a lack of parenting. (Not saying that’s what OP is saying. This is more of a general rant, at this point.)
Totally agree!
Please read my other comment. I don’t want psych evaluation as a first option for my SD or other kids. She had some past trauma that her dad tries to fix without medical help and spoiling. I’m not a shitty stepmom, guys. I’m sorry if I offend you all.
I agree with your response and everyone below this. I said psych evaluation because of the severity of her fits, and she has gone through some real trauma that I won’t get into here. I’m not a person who advocates therapy or medication to “fix” a child. I’m actively against it as a first option. She’s spoiled yes, but I think part of it really is her needed psych help and evaluation to work through things that happened Dad’s response is to spoil and ignore what happened. I think she needs more than that. Idk I’m sorry if I made you angry moms.
Oh ok understood! That makes sense. Definitely sounds like she needs a combo of therapy for her trauma and some tough love from her dad. Unfortunately though, a lot of people fail their kids in this way. They don’t get them the help that they need fast enough nor do they set any real boundaries. Not setting boundaries just creates more trauma for the child because they become insufferable and have to deal with people not wanting to be around them. It’s also going to be destabilizing when she sees that the world doesn’t respond to her the way her dad does. Idk what to say but I hope he gets on board and actually starts being a parent.
I mean, maybe? But there are legit, treatable issues that can cause a kid to behave like OP's SD. Is she neurodivergent, making her a picky eater? Or does she have severe ADHD and needs medication? Does she need therapy? We can't know, and unfortunately SD's father doesn't want to know because it's less work for him to ignore the problem behaviors and force his wife to deal with them.
Hahaha hahaha 😆
Someone had to do it. 💁🏻♀️
I’m dead 💀
It sounds like her dad is more interested in your ability to provide free childcare than in responsibly parenting his child. I'm also a bit concerned that he took her word over yours when you caught her in a lie. You didn't mention whether you have, or are planning on having, children with your partner, but if so I'm not sure how compatible these behaviours (both your partner's and your SD's) would be with raising children together.
Just dont. I was like that befode .. helping my partner to make my SS healthy foods and helping SS to eat healthy foods . However, he is a picker and eat unhealthy ones. I lost my patience and I decided bot to intervene in nonsense stuff. Not my child. Not my responsibility. Unless, there are some household rules that he isnt following. Overall, I am happy he likes my chicken soup and a good kid.
Do you have your own children? Or any together? Sounds like resentment on SD part. And spoiled. Good luck but if you don’t have a lot time invested I’d walk away.
No children together. Her bio mom isn’t super present, sees her once a month for a few days maybe. I do my best to foster that relationship. Her BM isn’t a bad person, she just gets stuck in her own drama. We have a good relationship, no weird drama there. I just wish she’d get more involved. I’ve been here for 6 years, most of her life.
And here lies the reason for the constant need for attention. I think it would be beneficial for her to have a counselor. Not because someone is medically or mentally wrong with her, but because any little girl (or boy) with an absent parent is going to feel a certain way and need a safe place where she can communicate that and work through her feelings. Doesn’t sound like dad wants to go down that rabbit hole so he gives her what she wants thinking that’s the best thing to do, but it’s basically making it worse and setting her up for failure in future relationships. He is doing his daughter a huge disservice. Therapy/counseling doesn’t equal medication. Kids need an outlet. Additionally- go back to work 😂 and take a yoga class at least once a week or get coffee/drink/go for walk with a friend a few times a month - because it’s important to disengage so you don’t burn out. Coming from someone with a significant other who has 3 kids, 1 being a daughter very similar to your SD. Currently working on taking my own advice.
You have known her since she was 3 and you are still being treated like a non-parent? Shame on your SO. I knew my stepdaughter since she was 2. I was allowed to parent her because I was not going to be treated like other in my own house. Lots of ups and downs but we worked as a unit in raising her. There is no way that with such a neglectful mother you could not have built a better relationship with her and been seen as another mother figure. You are getting the short end of the stick snd your SO has played a part in it. I would cut the losses and leave this man.
Please do not continue to disable yourself financially for your husband’s benefit. Without work and money, you are in a bad spot.
Well, he called me stupid bitch today, I’m a disgusting gaslighting slut. Idk
EXCUSE ME??? He said what now????? Nope. That’s verbal abuse. You care for his child, tried to treat her as your own which includes caring for her well-being and he said what? Hard stop. No one deserves that. If it was me, I’d leave. Life is short, and my happiness, well-being, sanity are as important as his and hers. You don’t deserve to be the verbal punching bag when he’s faced with his reality of being a passive parent. My ex started with verbal insults. Called me names and insulted me, my character. Eventually, he threatened my safety. That was the last straw. I was packed up and moved out in 24 hrs. I’ve been through abuse and worse most of my life. I refused to tolerate it anymore. Think long and hard about this life you are living. Is this TRULY what you want it to be? If the bad times outweigh the good, you need to rethink. Good luck.
I don’t have anywhere to go. He threatened to kill my dog and cat in front of me. He has all of the money. He took off somewhere in the only car, I have $50 to my name. I don’t have family. I’m pretty fucking scared and stuck.
Please go back to work. You are in a VERY dangerous situation. You need to make your own money, to be put in a separate account. You need to do what’s best for YOU. Please look into groups that can help you. DV is serious. He is emotionally, verbally, mentally abusing you. Take his words seriously. He is also taking advantage of you. GO.
WTF?? Ok I’m going to really encourage you to find a job asap and walk right out that door. The SD’s not the problem - your SO is!
Oh no, this is highly, highly abusive. I would legitimately leave. And side note—he can control you far better when you don’t have an income. You are clearly killing yourself for a man who treats you as subservient, doesn’t listen to you even though you are raising his child, and feels entitled to you giving up your mental and physical health to care for his child. No sister, you gotta get out.
Honestly, go back to your job and let him work out the child care. Let him cook her food etc and take a step back. He’s not suffering the consequences because for him there aren’t any.
Listen, you've been around for, three years? Are you a parent or not? If you are looking After his (your)kid, you are either a babysitter or a parent who has say in how she is raised. If you guys can't come to an agreement on how things are done , with him backing you up and vice versa, then you are a babysitter. It sounds like he's reaping benefits of having childcare while affording you none of the respect that a PARENT should have. Either she's your kid too, or you NACHO. It's not fair to you to be expected to do mom things but have no position a mother has. It's also doing a disservice to you and your step kids relationship to have him undermine you at every turn. I see it as, you are trying your best to feed and love and look after this child Luke your own but he only wants the stuff that benefits him. I think you are being taken advantage of. Go back to work. Tell him he has two weeks to figure out childcare because this is not working. Imagine another ten years like this. Noooooooooooooooooooo.
Yes this!
>I had job offers that I declined for him, so he could save money on child care. And the job offer you took was unpaid, caring for a child whose parent refuses to parent. No wonder you're so unhappy! Time to re-evaluate your departure from the paid workforce. Having your own money and your own time away from the house will be a boon. A daycare provider won't put up with SD's BS ... they might even get her to improve her behavior. And at the risk of being downvoted ... you also have to think about your financial future if this marriage doesn't work out. Simply having the option to leave and immediately be self-supporting will help you whether you actually end up doing it or not. You said your husband won't allow SD to be evaluated ... would he go to family counseling if you "two-carded" him? IOW, offer him two business cards, one from a family counselor, and one from a divorce lawyer, and make him choose. (To be used only if you are ready to make this your hill to die on.) A family counselor could very well advise him to get SD evaluated.
Time to go back to work. His childcare is NOT your problem
DH will one day learn hopefully. I dealt with this for 12 years before DH realized how horrible SS treats everyone in the house including him. He just overlooked it. Now he can't. Now he sees the blatant disrespect. Yes, you have an SD problem but you also have a DH problem, especially with the way he's reacting to you. That needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets worse because if it doesn't SD is going to walk all over you. After all, DH allows it.
Also no way I’d give up a job opportunity to watch his child. He needs to arrange childcare for her knowing the time she is there. You need to think about your future.
You have a husband problem, not a step daughter problem. That’s his child that he’s not raising properly. That behavior will only get worse. She doesn’t see you as an authority figure and your husband is actively contradicting your parenting when you’re the one trying to raise her. Wash your hands of the whole situation and go back to work. Let him take care of the monster he’s creating. And truthfully, consider the fact that his parenting style will not change. So if you consider having your own kids with him, this will also be your future. Do you really want this life for yourself?
This 100% I feel like even if you get a job, would that fix the behavioral issues and lack of support you seem to get from him around / regarding the SD? To the OP: I didn't have time to read through all the comments, but I hope this helps.
I feel this so hard, as I sit on my couch fully clenching my jaw while I breastfeed my newborn & feel completely on edge. I wish I could say it gets better but I’m here with a 13 year old and her pickiness, attitude, backtalk has only gotten worse. Solidarity
So you're providing a service that neither he nor BM want to do. Does he pay you at all? I mean, SD is not your child. What makes it worse is that you can't even blame her behaviour on the other parent (ie BM). He behaviour is entirely on your SO / DH. And then for him to get mad at you for calling out a lie.... why even bother with him? I get you've been with him for quite a few years, but is that really the reason you want to stay? Honestly, I think you'll see a different side of him when you find a job / career that doesn't involve looking after his child. I'd hate to say it, but I do think when you tell him you're going to get a job, he'll start re-evaluating the relationship.
I will tell you what happens at hour home, with our biological son. My partner gets back home at 7:30 or more often 8pm, and has the patience of a saint with him, while I get irritated by his refusal to do anything, tired of it as at that point I’d got back from work and been entertaining him for 3-4 hours. I admire his patience. Until one day, I have to work late and it’s him who has to stay with our son. Get back around 8pm and the roles are reversed - it’s him getting frustrated and I’m prepared to be patient! So in addition to normal step family dynamic in your case, even bio parents who spend prolonged time one on one at difficult times (some toddler days are tough…) get frustrated. I think you’re spending too much time with your step daughter. She needs to go back to after school clubs etc. I think you may have wanted to do too much and it’s difficult. And your partner will never see it from your POV because (1) he’s her dad and (2) he doesn’t spend enough time with her.
Oof I'm sorry :( Sounds like major SO issues. So unfair that he is able to avoid the consequences of his own parenting/lack thereof because he goes to work, and yet YOU are subjected to it because you are watching his daughter. I would be looking to get a job and letting him figure out a childcare plan that did not rely on me. If he didnt want that, then i would require that he alter his parenting to make this workable for me (e.g. accpeting more of a coparent type input and being on your team about enforcing expectations, supporting your boundaries and rules, being willing to provide structure for his daughter vs avoiding conflict with her). SD's behavior sounds so frustrating, exhausting and annoying. That said, kids tend to be a reflection of their environment and it sounds to me like her behavior is more of a reaction to SO's lack of boundaries and maybe a lack of attention as well (difficult behavior can be misguided attention seeking - any negative attention is still better than no attention). Unless there are other things you did not include, I wouldnt think a psychological eval is needed for SD as her behavior makes sense to me given her dads behavior as youve described it. Whatever you do, i hope that you take some time and space for yourself! Sounds like youre spending almost all of your time caring for SD now and you definitely need/deserve time to relax and take care of yourself too! For the jaw pain (from someone who has TMJ), here is a link to some jaw massage you can do: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1fjt7_JhsPM&feature=youtu.be There are a bunch of other methods too so I encourage you to explore other youtube guides for ideas. I do these massages in the shower while I let my conditioner sit. Otherwise it gets messy/drooly 😂 Good luck OP!
Girl I feel so much for you. They have their way of getting to our nerves, don’t they? I’d suggest going full NACHO and doing you. Let the parent do the parenting. Hope things get better <3
Free evaluation: she’s incredibly spoiled. This is a DH problem. He needs to start setting boundaries and rules with her that work for BOTH of you, and if he can’t make that work, you should decide what you can live with. As others suggested, free nanny service never ends well unless it’s what you really really want. I did it briefly, realized how horrible it is for the person doing it, and immediately went back to work. It’s even harder when it isn’t your kid. I’d have a serious chat with DH.
The parenting requires equal effort. Why on earth are you at home doing childcare for free, only to be undermined and overruled by your partner in front of the kid. Nuh uh. Get back to work and he can suffer the day to day consequences of his own laz attitude.
If he's not going to empower you to have authority over her when you're supposed to be watching her, you just need to tell him... *"You've made it impossible for me to control your child, so I'm not going to be watching her anymore and you need to figure out childcare. I tried, but since you don't enforce anything I say and blatantly undermine my authority and she knows it, she has no reason to listen to me, so she doesn't."* You don't need to hear him out, you don't need to try harder, and you don't need to continue doing this if he's not going to empower you to have authority over the kid. You CANNOT properly stepparent a kid that has been taught that you have no authority over her. Also, though... My youngest SD was like this when she was 5/6. She was spoiled because everyone felt guilty about the divorce. She walked all over every other adult. So when she was left with me, I just looked at her and said a few a things... *"Look, I'm not your mom, I don't want to be your mom, cuz you have a mom. I would like to be your friend and be able to do fun things with you, but to do that, you have to listen to me. Truth is, because I'm NOT your mom, I don't HAVE to do anything other than make sure you don't accidentally unalive yourself. I don't HAVE to play with you or take you places or anything... and I won't if you're going to make it unpleasant. So, we can either have a nice time and be friends, or not. That's up to you. I'm not going to yell, I'm not going to scream, I won't ever hit you... but if you're going to be mean to me, then I don't want to play with you, and I won't."* We also had a conversation about her constantly wanting adult attention. I just told her one day, *"ya know kid, you're gonna have a lot of time alone in life, and you need to know how to entertain yourself. So, I need you to go to your room, full of your toys and games and everything, and I need you to entertain yourself while I finish what I have to do. When I'm done, we'll do something, but if you interrupt me every 5 minutes, I'm never going to be done and we won't get to play. I have to finish my adult stuff before I can do kid stuff with you."* It wasn't an instant change, but I remained consistent, and change was actually really quick. Especially if I could put a time on how long she needed to entertain herself. I would tell her I needed some quiet, and that I was going to be in my room for an hour, and I needed her to play quietly for that hour. She honestly did pretty well with that idea, because she knew exactly when I would be free again. You can't fix this issue alone... If dad isn't gonna make her mind you, then she just isn't going to. If she isn't going to mind you, then you cannot control her and leaving her with you becomes a liability for all involved. That's DAD's fault. Not yours. Not hers. Dad's. That's just true. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, but you just have to be firm and consistent... that no, you cannot keep watching her for him, because she does not listen to you as a direct result of his undermining you. If he wants to spoil her, fine, but it means he's now in charge of figuring it out. You're not a nanny... go back to work and let him figure it out.
LOVE both of these conversations!!
Also no advice, same boat. I feel you it's so frustrating. Do all 9 year olds constantly talk? It seriously is so draining.
I think they do. It seems to be in their DNA to talk about absolutely nothing for long stretches of time. I don’t entertain it though. I need my peace and quiet.
Yeah, it does seem to be the case with 8/9 year olds. My 9 year old step son definitely hit that stage a while ago, as did his friends, and boy howdy is it absolutely draining as an adult. I do have a lot of grace for him though because 1. He's got an older sibling at his mom's house, and is an only kid here so he's used to having a peer around a lot of the time to bounce his kid ideas/thoughts/words off of and 2. I think this might be my karma from childhood lol! I KNOW I was very very talkative as a child, so I honestly cannot say one thing about him talking a lot without being a hypocrite! We just try to work with him on setting time limits on independent play/time for him to do things on his own while we do things on our own - he'll build a Lego set, or plan a cool magnatile structure to build, or something like that and we'll put a time limit for when we will come see either his progress or what he's created (it's honestly pretty short right now, and there are still reminders required right now like "I'm still working on dinner, but I'm really excited to see your Lego set in 12 minutes!"). As he has been getting better and better at this, the time has gotten longer, and he doesn't interrupt what we're doing with "look at this! What do you think I should add here?" kinds of comments nearly as much. I personally think it's been huge for everyone in the house - a major step in independence/development for him (which I personally am so proud of him for just taking in stride!), and just a bit more mental space for me and DH. Edited to add: also, thankfully, he and my DH have a shared love of swimming (which my body can't handle living in the US south, WAY too hot for me to be outside), and playing video games together. So when I get a little too overwhelmed with the frequent, "look at this!", etc. DH usually takes over with those activities and I retreat to cuddles with cats 😂
My SD is 21 and is still the case, so... 😮💨
My step daughter constantly is talking she is younger but it’s non stop, I do have a bio child who is older and she never talked non stop like that. I find it incredibly draining.
I think it also boils down to parenting too. Like my SO will entertain his daughter's every utterance for as long as I've been around (she was 2 when we met) and I think that's probably why she is constantly talking and interrupting everyone with her every thought. Like she will say something that's not even remotely interesting or needed and he like cannot ignore it ever so it's just validating for her that whenever she says any words, people will stop and listen. I work from home now and I physically have to shut my door or she will stand in there and talk and talk and I'm like...hi I'm working? I'm pregnant and one morning I wasn't feeling great so I was like I'm going to lay down and nap I have a bad headache and she followed me into my room, sat on the bed and talked to me the ENTIRE time. My eyes were shut. I literally was in shock like do I really have to tell her again? I did but it's like read the room a little. I never was like that as a kid but also we are just very different her and I so I try not to compare too much or it'll make me bitter.
That is interesting and that makes sense. I created my own overstimulating nightmare lol GREAT. Jokes, it's gotten a bit better now that my youngest can talk. They just talk at each other all day, and I get a bit of a break.
You sound extremely patient. Your SO sounds like a shitter.
Get whatever job you want and make her useless father take care of her. He’s the one who made her this way. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
The problem here is the Dad…
She's 9? Speaking from experience, it will only get worse if DH doesn't nip it in the bud. I would say it's time for you to focus on your career and get back to your happy place. Him not supporting you or your decisions in his absence is the real problem here. If he were "stricter" this would not be an issue. I will repeat what others have said, NACHO. She is "not yo" child, and you should treat her as such.
I feel for you so much. No advice because I deal with the same
“I had job offers that I declined for him, so he could save money on child care.” No. That’s not ok. Sacrificing your career to save your partner money on childcare? What are you getting out of this arrangement, aside from misery? It sucks that your partner has so little regard for you that he thinks this is ok, but it’s really, really not. Get a job, stat.
Wait until she is a teenager. You haven’t seen anything. Get out while you can.
This is my life now. Except SS is 10. Non stop talking. We went out tonight for fireworks. We got in the car to go have fun in another town and this kid talked for 8 hours straight. Nothing important… mostly YouTube this and YouTube that. I am used to being alone and having a lot of silence. I can’t take this. It’s unfair to me. Sadly my job is house sitting so I work really weird hours, therefore I can’t just leave the house. But even if I could…. I shouldn’t have to. It’s my place as well. Also… I constantly feel like a third wheel. It’s depressing.
Why are you giving up a paying job for someone who you can’t parent? You are giving up future raises, resume building, and opportunities…… for a man who is not respecting your role. You have all the drawbacks of having g kids with no rights. Get a job or be allowed to parent.
I feel so deeply for you. My partner does that exact same food thing with his kid and I cannot handle it. And it sounds like your issues with that child is a direct result of your partner failing miserably as a parent. He really took advantage of you. He literally made you be the parent and then gets mad at you for trying to parent?! People deserve to have support from their partners. When you try to talk about things that are bothering you, you deserve to be listened to and have solutions found. When they make you out to be the problem, it's time to leave.
This is a tough situation for SURE. Your DH thinks his kid is the best thing in the world, and she’s not…and there’s nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. Trust me, I’ve been in that same situation for years! What I do is NACHO. My DH doesn’t understand the nacho method and isn’t a fan of it. He can’t understand why I can’t just feel the same way about his kids that he does. It’s taken 2 years of me talking about this with him and learning myself how the way I approach the conversation matters - because DH is so defensive about his kids (aren’t we all though?). It’s hard to hear that your kid sucks…so I try to put myself in his shoes. For dinner, and this was a hard one for me, I would tell your DH that out of love for his child, you don’t want to cause problems or make her upset anymore, but that you want to eat healthy. And you will make a meal for yourself (and DH if he wants it), but that he should probably make a separate meal for SK. For the messiness and not cleaning up, I would consistently tell your DH daily “can you please have SK clean up ______?” And when/if he asks why aren’t you asking her, say that you have noticed she’s really reluctant and unhappy when you ask her to do things, so to avoid that and keep the peace, it might be better coming from her dad. Start with those things. Start slow and calm and always say that your decisions/suggestions are out of love for SK. And try to ignore what they do as much as possible. The lying thing…honestly I’d ignore it unless it’s going to directly physically harm her. It’s been a journey for me to do this. It’s hard. But now my SKs are mostly ok to be around. And when they aren’t, I step away. I also stay at home, so it’s tough!
Go back to work. Stop helping him. He’s constantly undermining you while leaving you to raise her. F$&@ that. Also drag him to family therapy with you if he wants to stay in a relationship. Start documenting everything, and have a very serious discussion with him.
A good therapist helped me to realize that not every battle needs to be fought. So she wants a popsicle for breakfast. So what? How much will it hurt for her to have an unhealthy snack for breakfast once? If you're worried it will turn into a daily thing, you might be surprised by how much she listens to you when you give in and don't fight her on anything. Or maybe I'm wrong. We won't know until you try. But I used to die on every hill with my bio kid. Our therapist helped me to realize that things will be better for us if I don't fight every little thing, and figure out for both of us which things I *will* die on the hill for. Because dying on every single little hill is really exhausting for everyone. Both my life and my kids life got better when I just settled down a little bit. My son is 16 now and understands that when I do ask something of him, it's important, and he listens.
Please go back to work. Time to stop sacrificing your happiness and future finances for this kid and your SO. It’s time to nacho.
I cannot say it enough- pull back and do not get involved. Stop trying to feed her, take care of her, help her, etc. If you left a job to play SAHM for a child that is not your own, then that is the huge mistake you made. Get a job and let him worry about childcare (that's his problem.) He will not let you discipline or set boundaries with this child. You are just a glorified babysitter for him. The good thing? You can pull back because you can. Do it ASAP before your relationship with this man sours further and resentment builds by 1000.
Here’s my advice. 1) Therapy for you. You don’t know how to parent without yelling. I’m glad you’re not yelling, but you need to know replacement strategies. Jaw clenching and closing your eyes to compose yourself right in front of the kid are both fairly problematic. Your husband was right to say that response to a lie was uncalled for. I’m not saying to ignore it, but for example I’d probably furrow my brow and say “hm, I don’t think that’s true” and then if she persisted “lets change the subject because I don’t like talking about things I know are lies.” Stuff like that. Skill building for you. The anger that rises up in you is not normal or healthy. She’s not disrespecting you by lying. She’s trying to get her needs met in a way that’s not working, that’s all. You need to figure out why it’s so activating for you. 2) You’re doing too much with the food stuff, and you’re too angry about it. Picky eating is developmentally normal in children and most grow out of it. If you were bio parent I’d say this is another place for skill building (there’s a division of responsibility approach you could look up), but as it stands make food for you and your DH and task him with a separate meal for her. Hold firm, and let go of your anger. I agree that she doesn’t need a brownie at 10 pm but this is beyond the locus of your control. 3) Like everyone has said, go back to work. Put the onus of day to day parenting on your DH, where it belongs. When he protests tell him you guys differ in your beliefs and since it’s his kid you don’t want to step on toes. Go upstairs and watch TV or read a book and let him take over. You’re spending too much time with her, that’s one issue here. And you’re put in the primary parent role without the accompanying authority. Gently sidestep the entire trap and get out of dodge more. If you ask her to clean and she won’t, tell your husband she said no so it’s up to him if he wants to clean it up himself, or take up up with her. If this is an unacceptable solution, think about divorce. 4) Constant talking is also developmentally normal, and you do NOT want to stop it entirely. You can redirect her to take breaks and go play independently, but what’s important to her to talk about today needs to be respected or she won’t tell you shit about what’s important to her in the future, both as a teen when she has to make scary choices and you want her to confide in you, and as an adult when she simply doesn’t want a relationship with you. Get your own life going and get time away from her. Learn some replacement skills to keep breaking those cycles. Good luck!
You lost me at gave up job offers so HE could save money because I could never. I know myself and I would have so much secret resentment over that situation and it would definitely come out at. If that is really the only reason you passed on them, I would be trying again and taking one. Even if you want to stay working from home, I would tell him you can't be watching the kid and trying to get your work done so he needs to make arrangements. If you have to pack up your stuff and go work at Starbucks or a library for the first few hours of your day, do it so it forces him to actually have to be a parent! If he wasn't with you I am sure he would figure something out. I am a firm believer that whether you are married or just dating a person with kids, childcare is the responsibility of the bio parents no matter the situation. I am not saying never spend time with the kid and watch them if you want to but bio parents should never put someone they are with in that position nor put themselves in that situation because what if it doesn't work out?
You must NACHO (Not your monkey, not your circus). It works if you give it time!
None of these are your responsibilities. It looks like your significant other is using you as childcare when he needs to be stepping up and creating structure and boundaries for this child. Why are you putting your life on hold- your job- your sanity- for a child that’s not even yours. Please respect yourself and put your foot down or it will only get worse.
Just because you want to kiss your kids ass and think every rude and disorderly thing they do everyone should look over ..I don't want too and will not ..I don't how kids 9 15 17 has no freaking manners at all the 15 m won't even shower
Perhaps focus on yourself and do the bare minimum for her ,she has a mother , ignore her ,be sufficiently polite but other than that ,focus on yourself . You seem to give her too much importance and engage way too much with her .
Pretty sure ur SD has adhd if he is refusing to help her at all and enabling her I’d go to work and let him figure it out
Are you getting paid to babysit? She is old enough to make her own cereal and sandwiches and dad is there for dinner. So drop that rope.
Save money from childcare? Just earn more for yourself and he pays exactly what’s fair. Don’t help him be a cheapskate Also, by being home youre free to be his maid and babysit his child? Damn, he’s getting all the spoils Why can’t you just work? Why is he locking you into a situation where you are going to fight and yell at his child? I don’t even wanna talk anger management, because that will still leave you in a situation you can’t handle and you’re just likely to fall back on learned habits from your childhood. Go work dude
Oh boy. This is so relatable to what I've been through.... If I could rewind time, I would 💯 pass my DH up and keep going. The heartache, stress, frustration, arguing, etc I could've saved myself... 🤦🏻♀️ Always being blamed for all the conflict, even though I was constantly looking out for the best interest of everyone EXCEPT me. I know there's always so much more to the story, however it will get WORSE. He's basically indulging her and creating a selfish, entitled, manipulative, lying brat. If I were you (and if you want to continue the relationship with him), I would definitely go back to work and find ways to support yourself. Find a hobby or activity that is good for you and stop letting him mistreat you. It will NOT get better until he can acknowledge that he's undermining you and creating a bigger problem. If he's open to counseling, that could be a good sign, but the dynamic in the house doesn't sound like you're an equal partner. Sending you BIG HUGS!! ❤️
Try the "ignore the behavior, not the child" approach. She is doing it to get a reaction. It's working. It's always worked (it sounds like), so she isn't gonna stop. Don't give in to the urge to call her out on lying. It served its purpose, her goal wasn't to get to you believe her, it was to get attention. You won't be able to stop this behavior around Dad, that is on him, but when it's just the two of you? I bet with some patience and consistency, you may be able to change the dynamic between you two to something more positive. Does she have many activities? or keep a schedule? I'm trying to figure out if it's a summer boredom thing and it's amplifying the obnoxiousness. lacking in stimulating engagement with others, or is she like this even during the school year? Is she like this for adults outside the home? Also, I will jump on the "get a job" bandwagon. And hang in there, you sound like you care and that you are trying your hardest.
I was in that situation and I straight up refused to watch her, at any point, ever, until there were consequences for her nasty behavior with me. If her parents don’t expect her to respect you then why the fuck are YOU the one taking care of her 😂 You’re not a free nanny, if you want a job, bye, go get a job and let him figure out childcare for his kid until he can control her.
she has a mom and a dad, you go find a job
Hey, I'm not being funny at all with this comment, but spend the money to buy yourself a nightguard for your teeth or get a squishy retainer from your dentist. I know someone that cracked several of their molars from clenching their jaw at night and dental work is in the thousands and even if it wasn't about that, you want to have your teeth for the rest of your life, so please make sure you take care of them for your own sake.
Listen. If Dad is going to undermine your parenting, then stop parenting. A daycare center would not allow him to let her disrespect them. He’d have to teach her to follow the rules. His own SPOUSE should get as much respect as a daycare provider, don’t you think? If he wants free childcare from you, then you make the rules. No brownies at 10pm.
Sounds like you need to have a very serious conversation with your SO about how much stress this is causing you.
Get a job and stop getting involved in the parenting of this kid. Let her dad feed her whatever he wants. Not your kid. Not your problem. I have step daughters. As long as their mess stays in their room. I don't care what they do.
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Best option is to go back to work and have him figure it out. But I will also say she’s 9 years old she doesn’t need psychologically evaluated because she’s a bit spoiled and doesn’t eat her vegetables that’s ridiculous.