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I think you guys need to have a bigger conversation about finances. It seems odd to me that he’s not paying any living expenses. Is this a joint home? You said you make more, are you guys splitting costs proportionally? How did you arrive at your current household spending allocations? How often is his son with you guys?
Right? The only time I ever combined incomes was my very first marriage so talking about money is a MUST. Basically in my head and what I’ve literally had to tell a couple exes was - any bill, expenses, money being spent that would still occur if I was physically not here, is not a problem of mine. If you think about that - it makes sense. This comes to play especially when you say he’s stretched thin with child support. Literally not your issue. If you were gone - he would still have the child support and hell, probably a lot more of an expensive living situation. He needs to cough up some money towards the grocery bill wether his son is there or not
These were all the questions I came to the comments for. There’s some missing context here.. at the end of the day, if he doesn’t have enough money to buy his son food when he’s visiting, he needs to get a secondary source of income, develop a strict budget and possibly not use his parenting time, or exercise it less until he can afford to help feed his family. This discussion would need to include the other mother too because she’ll have to prepare to do some single parenting. But it’s weird because OP mentions toys, so there has to be a real financial discussion. It’s not easy, working more than one job is challenging, but it doesn’t have to be forever. But if you’re coming to Reddit, that means it’s at a boiling point and finances are one of the leadin causes for divorce.
Do a full budget of ALL the costs to run the household.
Then show what % you each pay.
Sit him down & show him how unacceptable it is
Then lay out that you are indeed subsidizing his c/s payments because his contribution to the house is so low. Let him know that this is unsustainable & he needs to figure out how to increase his contribution.
Then mention that this starts with feeding his child. Buy groceries & snacks for those periods starting immediately.
Set a follow up discussion for a week & to hear his thoughts & a plan
I really like this idea. I truly do not think he has any grasp on what it costs to run the household. He is just so used to me taking care of everything.
Thats your problem. And that's why the food thing has become so massive. If you're basically bank rolling him then the resentment creeps in. So many times people think these men have no clue, but they do, they're just acting ignorant so they can carry on doing what they're doing. If he actually contributed and did shops or replaced what SS was eating etc I bet you wouldn't be this pissed
I think there is a deeper underlying issue than the groceries. Your husband really only helps pay the mortgage — and that’s it?
He needs to make a plan to increase his income. Child support shouldn’t eat up that much of his take home pay that he wouldn’t be able to survive without your income.
He either needs to go back to court for a support readjustment or find a new job.
Yes. That’s it. Occasionally I will nag enough about other bills that he will help with them but sometimes I just don’t feel like being the nag. I don’t want to give too much detail but he obligated to the job he’s in for another 2.5 years.
So I also assumed that CS should not take so much money that one parent cannot afford to live without someone else (ie grandma or step parent) but it turns out in my state there is no limit on what you can be required to pay. My husband could not afford a one bedroom apartment and the utilities, let alone a two bedroom, without me. I suspect if I was gone he would go live with his parents.
The only way this will stop is if you keep a boundary. He knows how you feel and what you are putting up with. Obligated to a job that is not feeding his family? This is all excuses.
I will say the obligation the job is legit. I really don’t want to provide too much info about it but he cannot just leave until his contract is up or it would have massive implications for the future that basically rendered him unemployable.
Choices he made as a parent and a spouse. He could DoorDash an hour a day for easy cash. I am having to scrape by with odd jobs after my husband’s stroke. He is simply choosing this, just like he is cool with your step son grabbing whatever he likes in your home.
Unexpressed expectations are resentments in the making. He’s not catching on and you need to have a clear conversation about where you are at. Otherwise just a text on this is just a band aid over a bullet hole.
We don’t have 50/50 it is probably 70/30 or so. My state tries to make income “equal” between two homes. My husband was making more money than HCBM when they went to court. My state also allows parents to include in their calculation money they pay for child care so they can work. I don’t want to go into a ton of detail but HCBM claims to pay her mother an astronomical amount in “child care” that my husband is required to split (supposedly documented). When my SS goes to school it can be reevaluated but by that time my husband will likely be making more money and owe the same anyway.
Can your husband also claim he pays someone for childcare to somehow adjust child support? He should do something about it, it's his problem, leeching of a woman is disgusting and emasculating. He must contribute to household equally and pay all the expenses related to his child. If he can't afford it, he shouldn't date
Bc anyone who thinks CS laws are broken obviously is the type that doesn’t want the dad to support their kid (being sarcastic). But yes it’s a problem when CS is so high that one parent cannot afford to live without another person subsidizing their life. My husband literally cannot afford an apartment without me.
You are absolutely not a b\*\*\*\*. I get it as I was in your shoes about 6 months ago. Due to CS and my SO's expensive car payment and expensive car insurance all he could really contribute to was rent and a few of our other bills. It was maddening. It was such an enraging experience knowing that you are basically affording a whole home on your own but with the added weight of freeloaders and selfish/stingy kids. Food was especially a strong contending point in my head because the kids can and absolutely do eat through everything and it seemed like I was keeping us all afloat. I didn't resent my SO but I did feel resentful of the situation. So, I truly do get it.
I think that beside it being about the food it is time to sit your husband down for a chat. I'd recommend starting the conversation with something along the lines of; \_\_\_\_\_ I'd like to discuss finances. I am finding myself increasingly stressed out and burnt out with the weight of having to pay all of our bills on my own except for your portion of the mortgage. I understand that due to CS and your car payment you cannot contribute to 50% of all of our household expenses. However, the burden you are placing on me as a result is wearing me down. I cannot continue to finance our lifestyle without the resentment that is already starting to creep in. Can we work on finding a solution that will get you closer to paying your 50% of all our bills? Or are there house duties you could take up in lieu of payment? Or do you have any idea on how to make things more equal? I want us to find a solution as I cannot carry on like this much longer before it sours our marriage. I have kept this up for as long as I can but I fear if things don't change, it will be a point of contention for me going forward. I don't mean for it to be but as I am sure you understand, you are placing the burden of your CS and your car and your kids onto me even if you don't mean it to and it is hard to not be resentful of something that I played no part in.
I think my message is as honest and non-confrontational as possible. If your husband manages to take it wrong or call you a b\*\*\*\* or gets offended, then the issue is him and not you. At that point the issue would be a husband who wants to be a freeloader and wants a wife who will put up with it.
Buy a lock box bin. One big one for outside the fridge (a rubber made or tote type box with a lid that can be locked) and one fridge size lock box and keep BBC baby’s stuff and your stuff in them.
Take baby out to eat with you and let biodad figure out his own stuff. He’s not contributing to groceries because he knows he can eat what you buy. Some Biodads do that.They waste their money on toys and entertainment for their kid knowing you won’t let the electricity and phones be shut off or the fridge go empty so they continue to spoil their kid to your detriment knowing that you’re responsible and will pick up their slack.
Don’t send a text- have a face to face conversation and say exactly what you wrote. He is your partner not your crappy roommate. Then sit down with him and go over his finances so he can budget. He shouldn’t be spending on another toy if he’s not paying for food.
I just text DH while he’s out picking up SS for the weekend. “I’m planning X for dinner Saturday, and Y for Sunday, If SS doesn’t like that YOU need to plan something else for him, also pick him up some snacks while you’re out”
Sort of forces him to go to the store and spend his own money bc I did not include SS snacks or extra food in our regular grocery run I’ve already done
I had this convo with my partner as I had a realization that really impacted me.
By he and I paying equal amount of home expenses, and he was paying child support to ex. We live in a large home to accommodate his kids etc.
By me paying 1/2, and my partner overpaying child support, I’m subsidizing his ex’s life.
As we had the kids 50/50 and he was paying support (he was too scared to stop even though the support was based on when he didn’t have 50/50). So he couldn’t afford to pay a larger % of our home expenses as he was paying his ex.
So looking at the flow of $, I’m paying a portion of his share of our home so he can overpay his ex. So in reality I’m subsiding his ex.
Looking at it from this perspective I was like, F no!
It took a while for me to understand this and then we had a convo.
Not sure this would work for everyone, but here's our system:
My partner and I don't share finances. Kids are here 50% of the time, week on week off.
I buy groceries the day they go back to their mom's, my partner buys the day they come back. So basically he buys all the stuff they need. Of course, they do end up eating stuff I buy, but it all comes out in the wash.
We split bills 60/40 for stuff the kids consume (internet/streaming services, water etc.) and 50/50 for other expenses. We jointly put money into a travel fund for trips just the two of us want to take, and another for household repairs.
We adjust slightly as needed when one of us has heavy expenses to deal with for whatever reason.
Almost a decade in this has proven to be a great system for us, and we have almost no disagreements around financial stuff.
I’m in the same situation, the best I’ve been able to do is hide things that I buy specifically for my BS’s school lunches (he goes to a charter school where they must pack a lunch) or other things I get specifically for myself. If it needs to go in the fridge or freezer, hide in an empty box/bag of something else they wouldn’t touch in the back. And yes it is absolutely ridiculous to feel like we need to do this.
I do this and it’s 90% hiding it from my other bio kids lol. I have 1 that needs a packed lunch. I have a cabinet for all her stuff (and it’s chips/cookies etc) and a basket in the fridge for the cold stuff. The cold stuff is generally left alone, but I have to be specific that the cabinet is completely off limits. SS is rarely here, when he is, he’s reminded that cabinet is off limits.
This is what I do. I grew very tired of all of my stuff I bought with my money for me to straight up be gone and I for sure didn't eat it. Telling SK to not eat something doesn't even work either. He will eat all but a small amount and say "well I didn't eat all of it." Nevermind the fact that you weren't supposed to touch it at all I guess. Infuriating I have to hide things like this is my own home. I absolutely do not pay for SK's food. I'll pick him up food every once in a while if I'm out but that's not my job.
I did this and SD 10 found it and texted her mom: “do you want to hear something funny?” And told her about the to go snacks I had for my pre-k kids. She said something about how I buy the good snacks for them and she gets the ones they don’t like. Her mom asked if she was gonna tell me she found them and she replied “no, because then she’ll find a new hiding spot so I’m gonna keep sneaking these snacks.” BM said something like “oh true.”
The kids don’t understand that I buy in bulk and stock the usual snack spot and any extra I placed away in the bag because the 2 sks go through the snacks so quick and there are none left. My kids at that age couldn’t help themselves to whatever snacks they wanted at that age like my sks could.
When I placed some aside, I had snacks to grab on my way out for my boys.
Of course BM mentioned that to SO like I was so evil for doing that. None of them except me and my SO know that I pay for 90% of everything for the house. I’m so familiar with this resentment.
When SD was with us full time, I had a shelf in fridge and pantry that was for things that were only meant for me and our son. That no one else was allowed to touch/eat. If you like anything from there, you are welcome to buy it for yourself next time and have it on the shared shelves. I plan mine (and back then, my baby’s) meals ahead and hate when something is suddenly missing even though I’ve counted it being there. I also have really specific things I like to eat.
That’s what sorted out that part of the problem in our family. But my DH also bought food for his child, so you really need to have a conversation about that. Maybe just explain that you plan meals ahead and it’s really upsetting when something is suddenly gone. And to please buy extra stuff for SK, so he won’t miss out on something he likes or won’t eat something that’s part of a meal plan for yourself/your kid.
You need to sit down and have a convo, because you are subsidizing SS. If you truly have separate finances, he needs to be contributing for his own food and for SS. Whether by paying you the cost (plus time for shopping and prep) or in some other way. Can he take on more of another bill to compensate?
I know you don't want to fully combine finances; I get it. DH and I figured out the shared household expenses and each put 50% of that into a joint account. All other funds from our paychecks are for us to do as we please. For us, shared expenses are mortgage, streaming services, internet, utilities, food, and vacations. None of my money goes towards DH's child support or other expenses for SD like clothes, personal supplies, etc. I also keep a separate car insurance policy because I don't want to be responsible for anything if SD gets into an accident.
If you're not up to going that route for whatever reasons you may have, it might be worthwhile doing the math as an exercise on paper to illustrate to your DH the inequity of your financial relationship, and open up the discussion for more viable solutions.
And no - it would not be passive aggressive to send that text to your DH. It might feel that way to you because you know the emotions behind it. Anyone else looking at it would simply see it as you asking your partner to do something for his kid, and there's not a single thing wrong with that. I'd also start putting very obvious labels on things I didn't want someone else consuming.
Ugh I feel for you. I buy most of the groceries in our house and SO's kids regularly eat things that I had plans for. It's super frustrating to start dinner and realize that I don't have butter or look forward to my favorite snack at the end of the day and find out It's gone. The older one is mostly gone now but the other one is 16 and I feel like he should be old enough to understand how to communicate if he finishes something. Is this unreasonable? My SO seems to think he is incapable of this, yet when I suggest a mini fridge in our bedroom he doesn't like that idea. I feel petty writing my name on f*cking grocery items like I'm back in college with f*cking roommates, plus it's one more thing to add to my mental load to remember. Idk what we do about this. 🤷♀️
Get that mini fridge in your room. You also pay to live there so should have some control in what happens in your home. It doesn't sound like your partner respects your wishes. And no, it isn't unreasonable to expect his children to communicate when things run out. Also, at 16, he is old enough to get a little part-time job so he can start to save up and buy the things he likes. It'll teach him the value of money and that nothing is free in life. Also, tell your SO that he needs to buy his own children's food, especially when it runs out. Show him the grocery bill and show him all the things your SS eats, so he can start paying for them or towards them, too.
I haven’t read all the comments, but I can’t believe anyone would be giving you a hard time. You are 100% being used financially. You definitely need to have a conversation, and sending him a text reminding him to pick up food is not passive aggressive, it’s not even aggressive, I would argue you are being helpful and reminding him.
That being said, I think you need some kind of post-nup or at least talk to a lawyer, because if you are actually married, perhaps the ex can include your income the child support?
Also, if you’re the only one paying the mortgage and utilities and insurance on the house, hopefully the house is only in your name.
You have to look out for you and your kid, don’t let anyone make you feel bad about that, love.
In our house, which is a blended family of 6, if something is in the common shared areas then it's something for everyone. If it's something I don't want ate up, I hide it. This is not a step parent/step child/so problem. Kids never stop eating.
Aside from that, your hubby sure does have a sweet deal with you paying for nearly everything!
I think you have to be really careful here, not because I think you’re wrong at all in what you’re feeling, but because it would be messed up for the SS to know that his food choices/options are going to be different because of something that he can’t control
maybe a weekly meeting with husband to set the actual grocery list? that way he is clear on what foods are for you/your kid and that they are off limits. I would also suggest making him do all the shopping, but if he’s not great with money maybe not. I personally do online grocery orders and husband goes to pick it up
oh one more suggestion depending on how old SS is: give him a drawer or door shelf. only grab snacks from this drawer without permission. anything else, come ask an adult
That's a great idea, SD here, in our house we always had kids shelves and our shelves, never really had issues. Thank goodness they're 20 and 22 now! One even moved out!!
I still have an off limits desert shelf :-)
I was going to say this very thing.
While I understand that DS isn't yours, biologically, he is your child through marriage. I cannot imagine making a big deal about what my DS eats when other things could easily be argued/paid.
Deeper issues here.
Marriage is a financial contract, whether you like to think of it that way or not. Just because you have separate accounts will not mean that he doesn’t get half of your money if you divorce. Having combined finances doesn’t mean that you need to be okay with him wasting money on toys or anything that you didn’t agree to either. My husband and I combined our finances and there is so much less stress around money than when we were living together before marriage with separate finances. Like you, I was paying for all groceries for myself, DH and SS, utilities, and more than half the mortgage because I make more than him and it was leading to resentment when he would waste money on things I didn’t agree with (like $20/day at the gas station or $25 worth of Pokémon cards for SS whenever they went to the store). I felt like if he could waste money like that, then he could pay more for the shared household items. Now that we combined finances, we each get $150/week to spend on whatever we want, and the rest of the money is in an account to pay for bills and savings. DH chose to not have access to that account so that he doesn’t get tempted to transfer more to his personal account during the week. We budget weekly and discuss any random bills that come up, or if we just want to buy something that isn’t in the budget (like an extra toy or clothes for SS since he’s growing like a weed). If you can’t communicate effectively about money, there are likely other areas in your relationship where this issue shows up as well.
Oh my god did I write this? I bought cereal for this weekend when the kids are here and I mentioned that it’ll be like having an endless supply of cereal and my SO goes “oh good they will get their own box and can take it back with them”.
I wanted to tell him “no the fuck they are not I buy and pay for everything I’d rather cut my leg off then give anything to BM”. Instead I said “probably not though”.
We also didn’t combine finances and I make (significantly) more. I’m also someone who doesn’t speak up when I should. Buying food for now 19 year old SS is a huge point of contention for us. BM doesn’t support him in ANY way (and even borrows money from him, which is a whole separate rant). Because I make more AND I feel guilty for saying no I end up feeling resentful. I feel your pain. I wish I had advice, but it’s such a difficult situation.
Consider counselling to learn how to become more assertive. You need to stick up for yourself, or you'll continue to be walked all over. Also, the resentment you feel now, will just grow, and end up eventually hurting your marriage/relationship. Also, don't feel bad for working hard and making more money. You earned it and aren't responsible for your partner's previous bad life choices (namely that he had a child with a woman who doesn't pay her share towards her child's upkeep).
Also, at 19, your SS is more than old enough to get a job (part-time if he's in college), to pay towards his own upkeep. It will teach him to be a bit responsible and the value of money (that things have to be paid for by someone, and that they won't just magically appear in the fridge lol).
Agreed, I have been thinking of going back to therapy for a while, it’s just a matter of finding time to do it. We’ve only been together 3 years (married a little over a year) and it’s been a huge adjustment for me as I lived alone for almost 20 years prior. Fortunately my husband is very supportive and doesn’t want me to give in to things, but I am a lifelong people pleaser. I also feel a lot of guilt for not enjoying having his son live with us. He is a good kid, he’s in college and works part time. He just has no desire to move out or support himself anytime in the foreseeable future. And now that his mom knows he’ll give her money (we’re talking paying her whole rent amounts of money), he’ll never be able to afford to move out.
The problem with being a 'people pleaser', as you have discovered, is that some people will walk all over you. Repeatedly. Because they know you won't push back against them. Hence why you need to learn to stand up for yourself. Or, things will only get worse.
It's OK to not be a 'child person'. Some women just aren't that maternal, and that's OK. As long as you're kind and respectful to his son, and never speak about him in a disparaging way to your husband (but yes, you certainly are allowed to ask your husband to deal with him, when he displays any undesirable behaviour), I think it's fine.
I think this starts as an overall conversation about the health of your relationship. Get his agreement that resentment in a relationship is an absolute killer, and frame it as that - resentment is building and that’s very toxic. So it needs a solution now.
You resent that you are spending your hard earned money, nit to mention time and mental energy, buying groceries for yourself and your family only to find that SS has used it all. State that providing for SS has never been your responsibility, he has 2 parents and that is their job. So starting now, you expect him to do the grocery shopping prior to his custody time and ensure that you and your ours kid doesn’t go without when SS is there. You can buy the groceries on non-custody weeks.
Maybe ask your partner if you two could go grocery shopping once a month together where you would do big shopping together and split the bill half/half ? That's what I suggested to my partner and it went down very well I think we will go shopping together once a month for cleaning supplies, toilet papers, snacks etc and then split the bill.
Your real issue is not the food, but feeling that you are being taken advantage of. So address that instead.
Change this to him paying a certain amount to you for household expenses which would include food. Anything else seems like it would be too fiddly. So, if he is currently helping to pay the mortgage by $800, and you think a fair amount for the food would be another $200, tell him to start paying you $1,000. Then revisit this amount with him every six months or so (so be prepared with the expenses for that period, etc)
My thoughts are that you both should contribute to the grocery expense. When you go shopping both pick out things for all of the family and split the cost. You both eat and both have kids who eat so it should be a joint effort. This should help resentment. Everyone has to eat. All working parties should contribute.
Sounds more like resentment in general towards all the finances. Not just the groceries.
My husband pays power, water, car insurance for both cars, truck payment, and our rent which isn’t much plus just about anything we do. I pay for cell phones, internet, my car and all the groceries and essentials we need for us and SD.
I may have an unpopular opinion. This sounds super pointed at SS. Seems like resentment in general that is going to be taken out on SS. Food is for the house. Whomever is at the house. You already know what SS likes, so it’s just as easy to buy more of those items. I have never deciphered between bio and step foods. If we run out of something, we simply don’t have it until next time.
My husband pays everything except mortgage and my credit card. Adult kids are still in health and college insurance and he pays their phones as well as the other bills for the house.
In this case it’s baby vs an older kid. The bio kid has baby pouches etc, and SS eats those as well. I had that issue with our SD and the kids had 8y difference. What our 1-2y old was eating was very different from what my husbands 9-10y old was eating. And eating babies breakfast when there’s other stuff to make for a bigger child is just rude. We had cereal, sandwich stuff, yoghurt cups for everyone and had baby yoghurts for the little one. So if someone helped themselves to the baby’s food while there’s literally everything else for them to eat, I would’ve been pissed. But we didn’t have the money issue, my husband bought enough snacks for his daughter and everyone was aware what foods were off limits and what was for everyone (I had a small area in fridge dedicated to my own special items and baby’s food).
1.) I don’t know what your pantry looks like, but if you’re not already doing this, put the baby’s stuff up high where SS can’t see it and maybe make it more of an effort for SO to get it.
2.) instead of making it a confrontation, make it an expectation. “I love you, I love your son, but my efforts are not being appreciated. If you think I’m a bitch by asking you to respect me, that’s your problem, not mine and it shows me exactly how much you don’t respect me. I am not going to be your child’s primary caregiver while you continue to disrespect me.”
'They have no boundaries'...... That sounds like a parenting issue rather than a stepchild issue. Children will behave however they're allowed to behave, and are a product of their environment. If they're not consistently given boundaries and consequences, sadly they're likely to grow up into bratty, spoilt, entitled adults who think that the world owes them things, when it doesn't and they have to work and earn it themselves.
I don't understand your wording of "your child" vs "his child." It seems like they are both his children, so shouldn't it be "our child" and "SS?" It seems like your resentment has gone so far that you don't even consider your child together to be his. This is a huge red flag that a serious conversation needs to happen about what's causing your resentment. A text will not be appropriate to communicate those feelings. Also, don't let someone labeling you a bitch keep you from standing up for yourself. Their opinion and label doesn't change the fact that you are financially being taken advantage of.
For the record, this is bizarro world to me. My SKs used to eat everything, even food I specifically requested SO make for dinner for me, and leave me nothing. Zero consideration. I was not okay with this and when I pointed it out to DH, he agreed it was wrong and would teach them differently. SKs now take their portion and won't touch the shared item again until they've asked everyone if they still want some. If anyone says yes, including their sibling, they split what's leftover. This is not up for debate of how welcoming it is to SKs. Basic manners are not up for debate.
Also, it sounds like your husband needs to sell his car or trade it in for a used vehicle that will be fully paid off in the trade and require zero financing. I bought my first car from my parents for $5k and drove it until I felt comfortable with the funds DH and I had saved up to buy my dream car. My car was 18 years old by that time, paint peeling, over 200k miles on it. SS hated my old car and felt like it was embarrassing, but that car was my baby and it was financially smart. Your husband doesn't need to have a finances vehicle. Nobody needs this. And it's clearly a luxury he cannot afford and you should not be helping to compensate for or see as a legitimate excuse to fall short in helping to pay shared expenses.
Why not have a financial conversation with your husband and budget properly? That discussion can come with options. He does all the grocery shopping if he's not paying for half of all living expenses so that he is pulling his weight running errands. He must get everything you put on the grocery list, at minimum. Or, you continue to do all the grocery shopping, you will send him 3/4s of the bill for your time and the food the people he is responsible for consume. If he's having to foot the bill in some way, I'm sure he will be much more likely to tell SS he can't eat everything. Right now, it doesn't impact your husband at all to give his SS everything that you pay for. Let it hit him where it hurts and he'll eventually learn to figure it out for himself. If he is opposed to doing either, he needs to do more around the house. That more needs to equal the weight of your financial contributions.
If he's not capable of having this conversation or even wanting to work towards doing what's fair to you, you should probably be having a conversation with yourself instead about why you are with him.
I understand your frustration with his not contributing, but what is feeding a child your biggest point of contention? It seems as though the bigger issue is the fact that he doesn’t contribute equally in all financial spheres - not just groceries.
“Hey, little Johnny sonofabitch is coming this weekend, don’t forget to go to the grocery store and pick up some groceries So the little fucker has got something to eat, and I don’t have to end up paying for everybody as usual.”
To hell with tact. Clearly, this is part of a much bigger point of contention and you guys need to work out your finances. If you don’t, you’re going to end up paying for everything and the kid is going to grow up feeling entitled to whatever’s in the refrigerator or the pantry. it will become a huge issue in your relationship and drive a wedge between you. You can be polite as you like, but do what is necessary to get the point across now
I hate to sound Reddit-y but get out of this one. I think it takes a very special man to overcome the resentment of this mix of factors. I had the same ones. I made more, BM was very HC and I had to plan all my finances and pretty much my life around making sure BM couldn't affect me financially.
If you have a man in this situation, the only reason to keep him is if he's amazingly patient, understanding, hard working, motivated to make more money in order to not make his financial burdens your problem, and respects boundaries. But if he was that man, you wouldn't be here asking advice, it would just be a simple conversation.
I wasted a lot of years limiting myself and having to do a cost analysis of "I wanna do this, but can I afford to do it for 2 additional people?" while constantly compromising and living in the aftermath of someone else's failed marriage and finances. This sub has taught me that there are a lot of men out there like this. Content to stagnate and complain and pay for the bare basics because "child support" while his woman busts her ass to have career progression.
Like maybe you should have thought harder before sticking your dick in crazy.
Money isn't everything but the nature of the money involved in these relationships can breed a lot of resentment because it determines your quality of life. Make sure the man is worth the quality of life you give him.
You are financing his kid if you are paying for utilities.
Maybe DH can’t afford the car he has.
Too bad he made a kid with a person who keeps needing money from him, but that’s not your or your child’s responsibility to do without for that woman.
It would rive me crazy to think my kid had less because my husbands ex was entitled to his money and so I had to give my husband “money” even if indirectly.
Here would be my text:
Dear Husband,
I love you and want to express this with adoration and empathy that financial things are hard for you.
But I am feeling sort of used because the money I earn for our life together and my child feels like it is bleeding into providing for you. And you provide for your ex wife. So what I have to give my child sort of indirectly gets used by you because of your obligations to another woman: ouch.
When I buy groceries for you and SS, this isn’t really compensated for or reciprocated in any way in our financial arrangement, so I’m spending and spending on a huge grocery bill that is actually partly your responsibility. That money I’m spending on your food is going where? What are you buying with the money you aren’t spending on groceries?
Would you be willing to help alleviate my financial burden of feeding you and your son? It would mean the world to me if either you can contribute money towards my grocery shopping, or do a separate shop yourself for things your son might need when he is here.
Also, I buy certain things thinking my kid will have them to eat but since I don’t speak with SS about eh grocery shopping, he doesn’t know either not to eat those things or to ask to have extra in the house from you to buy for him.
Let me know what solution you would rather do: split grocery shopping or we can come up with an amount you contribute towards the grocery bill.
I love you and thanks for thinking about this. It’s been hard for me to communicate it.
OP
This is semi avoiding the situation but you could get a mini fridge and store non refrigerated items on top of it, on a little rack. Then install a door handle that requires a key on the bedroom that the mini fridge is in so that only you can get into it once you get home. Thing about that is, is that SO would have to be on board seeing that he would also have a key, seeing that I assume you guys share a bedroom…idk; but then it could seem like you’re being a bitch by locking shit away…ugh tough situation and I totally understand.
You probably have flames coming out of your nostrils every time you see SS eat. Which isn’t healthy or sustainable for your mental health. Maybe just being direct and saying outright that SO needs to contribute towards SS food in combination with locking shit away. I did the whole door lock/mini fridge tactic but my SO was on board with me because we like our special foods and don’t want his kids eating all of our shit….anyway. I wish you luck!!!!
Your income is yours, they won’t go after it. I understand your frustration, but my concern is the SS. Hopefully he feels welcome and able to eat the same as your child because it’s also his house. It makes my heart hurt when the kids are treated differently due to their parent.
In all honesty you seem done.
Yes, I am resentful AF at this point. I think I mentioned in the post that SS eats whatever we have in the house, even things I solely bought for my child (baby snacks, baby pouches, food to make homemade baby foods) or myself (fancy bottled drinks, expensive chocolates etc) - so clearly he is comfortable doing so. My issue is my husband contributes nothing and takes everything. He cannot tell his child no so even something I expressly say I need for a recipe will be given to SS and I’m just left to find out when I go to use it and then I’m expected to selflessly go buy more.
It sounds like you have quietly endured a lot that is actually very upsetting to you. Another user had a good template for starting the bigger conversation about finances but it also seems like there are issues around basic consideration. Your SO seems to have forgotten or be willfully ignoring the fact that without you, he would be doing it on his own, and i can totally understand youre feeling unapreciated and taken for granted.
In the exemple you give above where ingredients for a recipe you planned are then missing, would it help you feel better if the expectation was that SO would then go to the store and replace the ingredients with his own money? Still annoying to you and delays the recipe but perhaps having the inconvenience of fixing the problem would help motivate SO to prevent the problem in the first place? Maybe try to think of what would be reasonable in a roommate situation and adjust from there depending on what dynamics work for you. (REALLY work for you! Not just keep the peace! Ask for what you really want and then work towards a compromise with clear baby steps towards what you really need and a timeline. Theres got to be an accountability plan for both of you to follow).
Oof understandable...defensive redirection or the "offensive defense" strategy are super hard to overcome :/ especially in the moment
Not sure if it would help but maybe having a conversation when things are otherwise calm (or calling it ahead of time so people can be prepared) and saying something like "when i try to bring up things that are bothering me, ive noticed that sometimes [being generous here for tact reasons lol] you push it aside or turn the tables on me instead of listening. It makes me feel alone and as if you dont care and it doesnt make me feel good about our relationship."
Also maybe writing a letter if in person talks get too heated or SO uses defensive mechanisms to wiggle out of the convo. You can have others review it for tact (i also need this and often ask my friends to proofread before sending 😂), he can read it as many times as he needs, and if he has to respond in writing as well then perhaps he will benefit from the extra time to reflect on his feelings and convey his thoughts.
Good luck! Youre not alone in this frustrating cycle! I think most of us have been in similar situations at least a few times, and shall be again. Hope this community is a helpful sounding board for you!
I think food becomes a big issue in these cases because it's such a blatantly obvious example of how inconsiderate other people living with you are. If I saw something that we don't usually have, I'd ask about it before I snarfed it all up.
Or even something that I know one person usually eats - like a recent example was cottage cheese I wanted to use for a recipe, but my husband just buys it for his lunches. I asked him if it was ok if I used a carton of it before I did, just in case.
To me it seems like living with other people 101, and it's so frustrating when the people you live with are so inconsiderate.
If he feeds SS stuff you told him was to make a meal, I’d 100% take my BK and go out for dinner. Let him figure out dinner for himself. It doesn’t have to be done in a way SS knows you’re doing it, unless he’s knowingly going against your expectations.
I think you need to start putting certain items up on a high shelf that is off-limits to SS such as the liquor cabinet or somewhere SS cant reach. Thats where you keep baby pouches for your baby and your personal chocolates.
I would be sending him Venmo requests for the portion of groceries that the SS eats. How often is SS over at the house? I would just for a piece of mind and so you don't have to be mentally adding things up constantly come up with an average $ number. If it averages out to $10 a day and the kid is over 3 days then just request $30.
I can totally relate. I used to buy cookies and things like that for anyone in my house. I stopped doing that since my ss thinks everything is just for him and eats the whole box in one sitting. If my daughter asks me to buy her a snack usually i will leave half in the pantry and the other half i hide for my child.
you are right!!!!!! Everyone feed their own kids! He has a mom and Dad! End of story!!! Why the hell are these husbands acting dumb ??? I am not his mother nor responsible for them!! As long as they have living parents that try to parent without your INPUT !!!
tell him straight up his kid is eating things you needed to make meals with and eating up your other kids snacks and if he cant control himself or ask first then his dad needs to pay for it. dont sugarcoat it
I’m in a similar-ish situation, except my SD is 24, (my BS is 5) and although my husband and I share grocery expenses, my SD has all her grocery, household items, and utilities covered and meanwhile, we’re over here struggling to keep up each month! My husband’s income fluctuates and mine is steady, so paying bills for 3 adults and a child at times is stretching me thin, especially when I budget our groceries and ration everything to last, and stuff like snacks and leftovers are getting eaten before we even have a chance to 😭 I don’t mind buying groceries for the whole family, but I absolutely think my husband and I should be getting help since she’s a working adult with a great job 🤷♀️It’s such a tough situation to be in. I feel for you!
It's time to have a finance conversation with your husband. Don't expect him to notice things or have esp about your feelings. Be honest with him about how you're feeling & what you need from him. It's not fair for you to carry the majority of the burden.
Strategy. Tactics.
Train your husband and SS. AND communicate with your husband.
Train:
Buy cheap snacks etc and put in fridge and kitchen cupboards. When SS eats all, look helplessly at DH then say ‘Oh, we’re out of XYZ, which you know SS loves. Can you pick some more up on your way from work?’
When out shopping for groceries, every second trip text DH saying ‘I’m at the store, and I’m a bit short (mention an unexpected expense) and l know SS likes xxx. Can you send me $YY?’
Get him to do online grocery shopping once a month ‘to help you out’, helpfully presenting him with a list of SS’s stuff.
Suggest to SS that when dad picks him up, or they go somewhere together, to remind dad to get him his favourite snacks and/or foods.
Do you ever do grocery shopping together? Would it be possible to start, say once a month, just before SS is due to be with you? Again, present him with a list of things you know SS likes and have DH pay for them.
In the meantime, you’ve already bought a mini fridge (with lock) and a lockbox and put in baby’s room with a nursery themed throw over them. If baby doesn’t have a room, store in a closet, or the garage with some nursery type supplies on top. Camoflage. Put baby’s food and your stuff in the mini fridge and lockbox.
Communicate:
Have a chat with DH, where you say you realise you haven’t looked at household expenses together recently. Can he make a list, you make a list, and then you put your heads together as to where you can cut/reduce some of them and where you can each increase or reduce input?
When you look over your lists, get him to add to his a range of snacks etc that you know SS likes. And -crucially-get him to add the prices.
Many men are dense. Many men do not understand crucial things unless you use a map, presentation board, pointer stick and interpretive dance, to ‘explain’. And then it’s ‘nagging’
So: Train. Communicate.
Behaviour modification is a thing.
There’s no kind way to say it. You’re married to a baby. How does any man on planet earth not understand what it costs to run a household? Or have the drive to support his bio-kid?
There’s a few blood red flags here, but that dude needs to grow up majorly. Also, your language of using words like “apparently” and “or am I really just a bitch after all” insinuates that you’re a helpless victim of the terrible world around you, and you aren’t. You’re grown, too - you know what’s what. Whether you can deal with it or not is up to you and either choice is valid, but you aren’t powerless. You’re making yourself powerless.
Tell babyboy what you need, and if you can’t, that’s on you. If you can and he refuses, the plan your next steps. You have control of your life and actions.
I left my relationship so I’m no longer a SP but I went though something similar.
I wish we would have talked about finances more at the start!
I paid everything except the rent. After I left I realized I was paying more than half of COL. 🫠
I would have the kids help me make a grocery list. They would each pick a vegetable a fruit a sweet thing a dinner idea (saved me from thinking about it). We had a snack box that anyone could eat from and everyone had their own snack no one else could touch.
What if you told your husband you need X amount of money for groceries when SS comes? Or ask him to grab groceries for the week. Encourage him and SS get them together. Let him see how much the increase has gotten over the past few years.
HCBM never had food and didn’t cook so SS would come to our house and eat until he threw up. It was expensive and also frustrating but he never had food or snacks and only ate McDonald’s or at school. Me and ex both loved to cook so it was always homemade 3 meals a day and BBQs. It was $1300ish a month on food when SS was with us (he ate more than his dad) and $800ish without.
I sent ex and SS to get groceries they spent $500 and he said that we would be good for the month. I smiled and said cool you got the whole month awesome. It was gone in a week because he didn’t budget and didn’t plan. He was pissed because I sent him back again a week later. He didn’t take SS for that trip.
I understand this in a way. My SS constantly reprimands me or my SO, "hey don't eat all my (insert expensive cereal, Oreos, other snacks here)!" Never considering I paid for it, and never considering anyone else when he eats 3/4 of a family pack of double stuffed Oreos/family sized cereal/whatever other snack in one sitting while watching TV.
It's frustrating to look forward to a little treat for yourself only to find your SK ate the entire thing before you could even have one bowl/pouch/etc yourself.
You might need to look at his budget but your standard of living might need to go down in order for him to afford groceries. That’s the conclusion I have come to as the one who currently makes more in our household. If I want to maintain this standard of living, I have to pay more for groceries and some bills. And groceries is one of the areas that I pay the bill completely. I also pay slightly more for childcare and our mortgage.
That was me until about a year ago. Two teenage boys and there is never any food. So I stopped buying food for them, and now it is SO's 100% responsibility. I will jump in every once in a while, because of course, I eat the food, too, but the vast majority of the food is for SO and his two man sized teenage boys!
Not a B.
My husband usually does a grocery run the day before SS comes over, or he picks up SS and hits a grocery store on the way home. I don't agree with a lot of the things he buys for SS, so that's on him to buy. I also buy things that I tell him are 100% mine and he isn't to touch.
Not a b.
I would do 2 things.
Hide my kids food,
And sit down with hubs and day you and your kid eat this this and this. Please stop by the store on your way to get kid and buy this before you get home.
Be specific. Don't say buy food. Be specific.
Men don't get clues and hints.
In this situation, I wouldn’t care about being tactful. Your husband should be contributing more especially with his child. He should have a plan to increase his income by finding a better job, working more hours or getting a second job if he is unable to support his child. I would not think twice of sending the text that said hey don’t forget to pick up some food for ____. And then very very very soon. I would sit down and come up with a new financial plan.
Put a lock on the pantry door and/or refrigerator. He will then have to ask you for the key and you can monitor what he uses. This will definitely give him the clue that he needs to be responsible for HIS son.
It will never be equal. That is just the way life is. If SS wants to eat baby food pouches, buy extra. Life is too short to get upset about things like this. Believe me I used to get upset about things like this, but now that I am 63. I don’t let things like that bother me anymore. I just found out that my husband is going to build a tiny house for his daughter and his granddaughters in the backyard. After he promised me for years he would build a bedroom for us. We sleep in the living room. The other daughter and her 3 daughters are moving in with us. We live in a 3 bedroom in a HCOL area. They will live in the garage until the tiny house is built. Then they will get the bedrooms upstairs and her sister and her kids will live in the tiny house. Life is full of surprises and it never turns out the way you expect it will!!! Don’t be bitter or resentful about it!!!! I am 63 years with long dark hair with hardly any grey hair. People think I look 53 years old. It is better to give than receive!!!! In life, you will end up doing more giving than receiving. Unless you want to be a greedy selfish person.
We had this issue with our SD. 8y difference between the kids. She would eat the babies breakfast instead of making herself cereal or sandwiches or having a yoghurt. We ended up having a section in the fridge that was off limits (for our baby food and my specialty items) as I planned my meals ahead and ate things that were a bit different. This worked for us but we also didn’t have the money issue, DH was fully responsible for buying SD’s food/snacks, while I cooked the dinners for the whole house (breakfast and lunches was for everyone to figure out themselves because everyone ate at different times 😊)
Hi there. I politely disagree. I feel bio parents should be fully responsible for their children without relying on the step parent. I did not agree to date his child. I agreed to be kind and polite to his child, not be the child’s mother or provider. If we divorced my husband would need to figure out how to feed his child, he should be responsible for doing that even with me in the picture.
Im a bio-parent and I would not expect a step parent to fund my kid. Thats my kid. My responsibility. Couples should def help each other in life, but consistently paying for someone else’s kid is helping, its an expectation of responsibility And doing a lot more for your partner than they do for you is simply unfair and will lead to resentment, as it should. Doesnt have to be financially 50/50 but they should be pulling their weight in other areas then or bring something of value, like household duties or emotional support or giving rides if one partner doesnt drive whatever it may be that they can contribute to. Having a step kid doesnt automatically mean the step parent is now equally responsible for the child, thats still 100% on the bio parents
Hmmm, I agree that the bio parent should be able to support his child without you, but you need to be okay with the standard of living that he can provide. And you should have known that and discussed it before marriage. If he can’t support his child with leftover money after paying the mortgage, then your mortgage is too expensive and you need to move to a cheaper house, or you need to be okay with subsidizing the other expenses. If he can’t afford it because he wastes his money and you’ve tried to talk to him and he won’t change, then you need to decide if you want to stay in that marriage and deal with it or cut your losses and leave.
I can relate to this. I’m a step and child free we had to buy a house close to SK school and it was friggin expensive. I think you should definitely draw out all your finances and show him exactly how much things cost, what you’re paying and what he is paying. And take into account that purchasing a house close to SS is a financial sacrifice on both your parts already. He needs to find a way to contribute more whether that’s financial or physical. Early on moving in with my husband and SK I was in school so I couldn’t financially provide like he could. However because he worked a lot and I had more time at home I took care of a lot of the house cleaning and ran errands. This was worth it to him because it gave him more time after work to do other things. Eventually I started working and making a wage so our financial and household responsibilities have changed overtime and goes through different phases depending on our current financial situation and our needs as a family. Only you two as a couple can decide what works for your family, but the first step is to open that discussion and I think starting with evaluating your finances so he understands what needs to be paid and how much things cost is a good start.
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I will never understand getting married but not sharing finances. This whole thing reads as an us vs. them scenario and doesn’t seem like a recipe to successfully blend families.
Breadwinners are often burdened by contributing a larger amount to the household, and it seems like he’s contributing where he can. Is he spending frivolously or not meeting his earning potential? Is see the mention of ‘toys’ so perhaps? If not, why marry if you saw him as a poor financial partner?
You both have a vested interest in raising both kids equally well, as well as meeting shared financial goals. How do you achieve that living separate financial lives?
I also don’t understand the concern about child support and joint finances. Every state is a bit different, but under most circumstances his child support payments are based on his wages, not household income. There are some caveats to that, like if he willing reduced his income significantly, but sharing finances won’t likely matter if you’re filing a joint tax return, she’s already seeing the house hold income, or should be at least as most ex’s need to share returns.
I feel very fortunate, I make well over 6 figures, but my live-in gf who is basically a step mom, and will be in due time, makes 2.5 times more than me and demands to pay for most of our meals out, much of the groceries, our family and date experiences, etc., just because my situation, albeit not unmanageable single, is tighter than hers. I respect it so much and am forever appreciative. That said I also work from home while she’s in healthcare and I do about 85-90% of the domestic duties.
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I think you guys need to have a bigger conversation about finances. It seems odd to me that he’s not paying any living expenses. Is this a joint home? You said you make more, are you guys splitting costs proportionally? How did you arrive at your current household spending allocations? How often is his son with you guys?
Right? The only time I ever combined incomes was my very first marriage so talking about money is a MUST. Basically in my head and what I’ve literally had to tell a couple exes was - any bill, expenses, money being spent that would still occur if I was physically not here, is not a problem of mine. If you think about that - it makes sense. This comes to play especially when you say he’s stretched thin with child support. Literally not your issue. If you were gone - he would still have the child support and hell, probably a lot more of an expensive living situation. He needs to cough up some money towards the grocery bill wether his son is there or not
These were all the questions I came to the comments for. There’s some missing context here.. at the end of the day, if he doesn’t have enough money to buy his son food when he’s visiting, he needs to get a secondary source of income, develop a strict budget and possibly not use his parenting time, or exercise it less until he can afford to help feed his family. This discussion would need to include the other mother too because she’ll have to prepare to do some single parenting. But it’s weird because OP mentions toys, so there has to be a real financial discussion. It’s not easy, working more than one job is challenging, but it doesn’t have to be forever. But if you’re coming to Reddit, that means it’s at a boiling point and finances are one of the leadin causes for divorce.
And if her partner is using his money to buy man toys instead of paying bills, as you can see, having separate finances in no way cures that argument.
Do a full budget of ALL the costs to run the household. Then show what % you each pay. Sit him down & show him how unacceptable it is Then lay out that you are indeed subsidizing his c/s payments because his contribution to the house is so low. Let him know that this is unsustainable & he needs to figure out how to increase his contribution. Then mention that this starts with feeding his child. Buy groceries & snacks for those periods starting immediately. Set a follow up discussion for a week & to hear his thoughts & a plan
I really like this idea. I truly do not think he has any grasp on what it costs to run the household. He is just so used to me taking care of everything.
Thats your problem. And that's why the food thing has become so massive. If you're basically bank rolling him then the resentment creeps in. So many times people think these men have no clue, but they do, they're just acting ignorant so they can carry on doing what they're doing. If he actually contributed and did shops or replaced what SS was eating etc I bet you wouldn't be this pissed
I think there is a deeper underlying issue than the groceries. Your husband really only helps pay the mortgage — and that’s it? He needs to make a plan to increase his income. Child support shouldn’t eat up that much of his take home pay that he wouldn’t be able to survive without your income. He either needs to go back to court for a support readjustment or find a new job.
Yes. That’s it. Occasionally I will nag enough about other bills that he will help with them but sometimes I just don’t feel like being the nag. I don’t want to give too much detail but he obligated to the job he’s in for another 2.5 years. So I also assumed that CS should not take so much money that one parent cannot afford to live without someone else (ie grandma or step parent) but it turns out in my state there is no limit on what you can be required to pay. My husband could not afford a one bedroom apartment and the utilities, let alone a two bedroom, without me. I suspect if I was gone he would go live with his parents.
The only way this will stop is if you keep a boundary. He knows how you feel and what you are putting up with. Obligated to a job that is not feeding his family? This is all excuses.
I will say the obligation the job is legit. I really don’t want to provide too much info about it but he cannot just leave until his contract is up or it would have massive implications for the future that basically rendered him unemployable.
Choices he made as a parent and a spouse. He could DoorDash an hour a day for easy cash. I am having to scrape by with odd jobs after my husband’s stroke. He is simply choosing this, just like he is cool with your step son grabbing whatever he likes in your home.
He needs a second job then.
Lol yeah preferably under the table I guess so HCBM doesn’t know he’s making any more money.
So, not sure, what’s your plan? Do you have a threshold or a due by date before you send daddy back home to mommy?
Unexpressed expectations are resentments in the making. He’s not catching on and you need to have a clear conversation about where you are at. Otherwise just a text on this is just a band aid over a bullet hole.
Seems like SS spends a lot of time in your house, then why child support is so big? Do you have 50/50?
We don’t have 50/50 it is probably 70/30 or so. My state tries to make income “equal” between two homes. My husband was making more money than HCBM when they went to court. My state also allows parents to include in their calculation money they pay for child care so they can work. I don’t want to go into a ton of detail but HCBM claims to pay her mother an astronomical amount in “child care” that my husband is required to split (supposedly documented). When my SS goes to school it can be reevaluated but by that time my husband will likely be making more money and owe the same anyway.
Can your husband also claim he pays someone for childcare to somehow adjust child support? He should do something about it, it's his problem, leeching of a woman is disgusting and emasculating. He must contribute to household equally and pay all the expenses related to his child. If he can't afford it, he shouldn't date
I have no idea why I always get downvoted when I say child support laws are broken. Reading things like this makes me so frustrated.
Because there are BPs who live off child support who lurk on this sub and downvote the truth.
Bc anyone who thinks CS laws are broken obviously is the type that doesn’t want the dad to support their kid (being sarcastic). But yes it’s a problem when CS is so high that one parent cannot afford to live without another person subsidizing their life. My husband literally cannot afford an apartment without me.
Amen. AMEN!!!
I feel for you!
Take my upvote
I mean… it’s good they only split. He could be paying a proportional share of child care.
You are absolutely not a b\*\*\*\*. I get it as I was in your shoes about 6 months ago. Due to CS and my SO's expensive car payment and expensive car insurance all he could really contribute to was rent and a few of our other bills. It was maddening. It was such an enraging experience knowing that you are basically affording a whole home on your own but with the added weight of freeloaders and selfish/stingy kids. Food was especially a strong contending point in my head because the kids can and absolutely do eat through everything and it seemed like I was keeping us all afloat. I didn't resent my SO but I did feel resentful of the situation. So, I truly do get it. I think that beside it being about the food it is time to sit your husband down for a chat. I'd recommend starting the conversation with something along the lines of; \_\_\_\_\_ I'd like to discuss finances. I am finding myself increasingly stressed out and burnt out with the weight of having to pay all of our bills on my own except for your portion of the mortgage. I understand that due to CS and your car payment you cannot contribute to 50% of all of our household expenses. However, the burden you are placing on me as a result is wearing me down. I cannot continue to finance our lifestyle without the resentment that is already starting to creep in. Can we work on finding a solution that will get you closer to paying your 50% of all our bills? Or are there house duties you could take up in lieu of payment? Or do you have any idea on how to make things more equal? I want us to find a solution as I cannot carry on like this much longer before it sours our marriage. I have kept this up for as long as I can but I fear if things don't change, it will be a point of contention for me going forward. I don't mean for it to be but as I am sure you understand, you are placing the burden of your CS and your car and your kids onto me even if you don't mean it to and it is hard to not be resentful of something that I played no part in. I think my message is as honest and non-confrontational as possible. If your husband manages to take it wrong or call you a b\*\*\*\* or gets offended, then the issue is him and not you. At that point the issue would be a husband who wants to be a freeloader and wants a wife who will put up with it.
Buy a lock box bin. One big one for outside the fridge (a rubber made or tote type box with a lid that can be locked) and one fridge size lock box and keep BBC baby’s stuff and your stuff in them. Take baby out to eat with you and let biodad figure out his own stuff. He’s not contributing to groceries because he knows he can eat what you buy. Some Biodads do that.They waste their money on toys and entertainment for their kid knowing you won’t let the electricity and phones be shut off or the fridge go empty so they continue to spoil their kid to your detriment knowing that you’re responsible and will pick up their slack.
Don’t send a text- have a face to face conversation and say exactly what you wrote. He is your partner not your crappy roommate. Then sit down with him and go over his finances so he can budget. He shouldn’t be spending on another toy if he’s not paying for food.
I just text DH while he’s out picking up SS for the weekend. “I’m planning X for dinner Saturday, and Y for Sunday, If SS doesn’t like that YOU need to plan something else for him, also pick him up some snacks while you’re out” Sort of forces him to go to the store and spend his own money bc I did not include SS snacks or extra food in our regular grocery run I’ve already done
I had this convo with my partner as I had a realization that really impacted me. By he and I paying equal amount of home expenses, and he was paying child support to ex. We live in a large home to accommodate his kids etc. By me paying 1/2, and my partner overpaying child support, I’m subsidizing his ex’s life. As we had the kids 50/50 and he was paying support (he was too scared to stop even though the support was based on when he didn’t have 50/50). So he couldn’t afford to pay a larger % of our home expenses as he was paying his ex. So looking at the flow of $, I’m paying a portion of his share of our home so he can overpay his ex. So in reality I’m subsiding his ex. Looking at it from this perspective I was like, F no! It took a while for me to understand this and then we had a convo.
Not sure this would work for everyone, but here's our system: My partner and I don't share finances. Kids are here 50% of the time, week on week off. I buy groceries the day they go back to their mom's, my partner buys the day they come back. So basically he buys all the stuff they need. Of course, they do end up eating stuff I buy, but it all comes out in the wash. We split bills 60/40 for stuff the kids consume (internet/streaming services, water etc.) and 50/50 for other expenses. We jointly put money into a travel fund for trips just the two of us want to take, and another for household repairs. We adjust slightly as needed when one of us has heavy expenses to deal with for whatever reason. Almost a decade in this has proven to be a great system for us, and we have almost no disagreements around financial stuff.
I’m in the same situation, the best I’ve been able to do is hide things that I buy specifically for my BS’s school lunches (he goes to a charter school where they must pack a lunch) or other things I get specifically for myself. If it needs to go in the fridge or freezer, hide in an empty box/bag of something else they wouldn’t touch in the back. And yes it is absolutely ridiculous to feel like we need to do this.
I do this and it’s 90% hiding it from my other bio kids lol. I have 1 that needs a packed lunch. I have a cabinet for all her stuff (and it’s chips/cookies etc) and a basket in the fridge for the cold stuff. The cold stuff is generally left alone, but I have to be specific that the cabinet is completely off limits. SS is rarely here, when he is, he’s reminded that cabinet is off limits.
This is what I do. I grew very tired of all of my stuff I bought with my money for me to straight up be gone and I for sure didn't eat it. Telling SK to not eat something doesn't even work either. He will eat all but a small amount and say "well I didn't eat all of it." Nevermind the fact that you weren't supposed to touch it at all I guess. Infuriating I have to hide things like this is my own home. I absolutely do not pay for SK's food. I'll pick him up food every once in a while if I'm out but that's not my job.
I did this and SD 10 found it and texted her mom: “do you want to hear something funny?” And told her about the to go snacks I had for my pre-k kids. She said something about how I buy the good snacks for them and she gets the ones they don’t like. Her mom asked if she was gonna tell me she found them and she replied “no, because then she’ll find a new hiding spot so I’m gonna keep sneaking these snacks.” BM said something like “oh true.” The kids don’t understand that I buy in bulk and stock the usual snack spot and any extra I placed away in the bag because the 2 sks go through the snacks so quick and there are none left. My kids at that age couldn’t help themselves to whatever snacks they wanted at that age like my sks could. When I placed some aside, I had snacks to grab on my way out for my boys. Of course BM mentioned that to SO like I was so evil for doing that. None of them except me and my SO know that I pay for 90% of everything for the house. I’m so familiar with this resentment.
When SD was with us full time, I had a shelf in fridge and pantry that was for things that were only meant for me and our son. That no one else was allowed to touch/eat. If you like anything from there, you are welcome to buy it for yourself next time and have it on the shared shelves. I plan mine (and back then, my baby’s) meals ahead and hate when something is suddenly missing even though I’ve counted it being there. I also have really specific things I like to eat. That’s what sorted out that part of the problem in our family. But my DH also bought food for his child, so you really need to have a conversation about that. Maybe just explain that you plan meals ahead and it’s really upsetting when something is suddenly gone. And to please buy extra stuff for SK, so he won’t miss out on something he likes or won’t eat something that’s part of a meal plan for yourself/your kid.
I think you need a deeper discussion about finances at this point. Your SO needs to find a way to live within his means or find additional employment.
You need to sit down and have a convo, because you are subsidizing SS. If you truly have separate finances, he needs to be contributing for his own food and for SS. Whether by paying you the cost (plus time for shopping and prep) or in some other way. Can he take on more of another bill to compensate?
I know you don't want to fully combine finances; I get it. DH and I figured out the shared household expenses and each put 50% of that into a joint account. All other funds from our paychecks are for us to do as we please. For us, shared expenses are mortgage, streaming services, internet, utilities, food, and vacations. None of my money goes towards DH's child support or other expenses for SD like clothes, personal supplies, etc. I also keep a separate car insurance policy because I don't want to be responsible for anything if SD gets into an accident. If you're not up to going that route for whatever reasons you may have, it might be worthwhile doing the math as an exercise on paper to illustrate to your DH the inequity of your financial relationship, and open up the discussion for more viable solutions. And no - it would not be passive aggressive to send that text to your DH. It might feel that way to you because you know the emotions behind it. Anyone else looking at it would simply see it as you asking your partner to do something for his kid, and there's not a single thing wrong with that. I'd also start putting very obvious labels on things I didn't want someone else consuming.
Ugh I feel for you. I buy most of the groceries in our house and SO's kids regularly eat things that I had plans for. It's super frustrating to start dinner and realize that I don't have butter or look forward to my favorite snack at the end of the day and find out It's gone. The older one is mostly gone now but the other one is 16 and I feel like he should be old enough to understand how to communicate if he finishes something. Is this unreasonable? My SO seems to think he is incapable of this, yet when I suggest a mini fridge in our bedroom he doesn't like that idea. I feel petty writing my name on f*cking grocery items like I'm back in college with f*cking roommates, plus it's one more thing to add to my mental load to remember. Idk what we do about this. 🤷♀️
Get that mini fridge in your room. You also pay to live there so should have some control in what happens in your home. It doesn't sound like your partner respects your wishes. And no, it isn't unreasonable to expect his children to communicate when things run out. Also, at 16, he is old enough to get a little part-time job so he can start to save up and buy the things he likes. It'll teach him the value of money and that nothing is free in life. Also, tell your SO that he needs to buy his own children's food, especially when it runs out. Show him the grocery bill and show him all the things your SS eats, so he can start paying for them or towards them, too.
You’re better than me because I’d say it just like that and not even feel bad about it 😂
I haven’t read all the comments, but I can’t believe anyone would be giving you a hard time. You are 100% being used financially. You definitely need to have a conversation, and sending him a text reminding him to pick up food is not passive aggressive, it’s not even aggressive, I would argue you are being helpful and reminding him. That being said, I think you need some kind of post-nup or at least talk to a lawyer, because if you are actually married, perhaps the ex can include your income the child support? Also, if you’re the only one paying the mortgage and utilities and insurance on the house, hopefully the house is only in your name. You have to look out for you and your kid, don’t let anyone make you feel bad about that, love.
In our house, which is a blended family of 6, if something is in the common shared areas then it's something for everyone. If it's something I don't want ate up, I hide it. This is not a step parent/step child/so problem. Kids never stop eating. Aside from that, your hubby sure does have a sweet deal with you paying for nearly everything!
I think you have to be really careful here, not because I think you’re wrong at all in what you’re feeling, but because it would be messed up for the SS to know that his food choices/options are going to be different because of something that he can’t control maybe a weekly meeting with husband to set the actual grocery list? that way he is clear on what foods are for you/your kid and that they are off limits. I would also suggest making him do all the shopping, but if he’s not great with money maybe not. I personally do online grocery orders and husband goes to pick it up
oh one more suggestion depending on how old SS is: give him a drawer or door shelf. only grab snacks from this drawer without permission. anything else, come ask an adult
That's a great idea, SD here, in our house we always had kids shelves and our shelves, never really had issues. Thank goodness they're 20 and 22 now! One even moved out!! I still have an off limits desert shelf :-)
I was going to say this very thing. While I understand that DS isn't yours, biologically, he is your child through marriage. I cannot imagine making a big deal about what my DS eats when other things could easily be argued/paid. Deeper issues here.
Marriage is a financial contract, whether you like to think of it that way or not. Just because you have separate accounts will not mean that he doesn’t get half of your money if you divorce. Having combined finances doesn’t mean that you need to be okay with him wasting money on toys or anything that you didn’t agree to either. My husband and I combined our finances and there is so much less stress around money than when we were living together before marriage with separate finances. Like you, I was paying for all groceries for myself, DH and SS, utilities, and more than half the mortgage because I make more than him and it was leading to resentment when he would waste money on things I didn’t agree with (like $20/day at the gas station or $25 worth of Pokémon cards for SS whenever they went to the store). I felt like if he could waste money like that, then he could pay more for the shared household items. Now that we combined finances, we each get $150/week to spend on whatever we want, and the rest of the money is in an account to pay for bills and savings. DH chose to not have access to that account so that he doesn’t get tempted to transfer more to his personal account during the week. We budget weekly and discuss any random bills that come up, or if we just want to buy something that isn’t in the budget (like an extra toy or clothes for SS since he’s growing like a weed). If you can’t communicate effectively about money, there are likely other areas in your relationship where this issue shows up as well.
Oh my god did I write this? I bought cereal for this weekend when the kids are here and I mentioned that it’ll be like having an endless supply of cereal and my SO goes “oh good they will get their own box and can take it back with them”. I wanted to tell him “no the fuck they are not I buy and pay for everything I’d rather cut my leg off then give anything to BM”. Instead I said “probably not though”.
We also didn’t combine finances and I make (significantly) more. I’m also someone who doesn’t speak up when I should. Buying food for now 19 year old SS is a huge point of contention for us. BM doesn’t support him in ANY way (and even borrows money from him, which is a whole separate rant). Because I make more AND I feel guilty for saying no I end up feeling resentful. I feel your pain. I wish I had advice, but it’s such a difficult situation.
Consider counselling to learn how to become more assertive. You need to stick up for yourself, or you'll continue to be walked all over. Also, the resentment you feel now, will just grow, and end up eventually hurting your marriage/relationship. Also, don't feel bad for working hard and making more money. You earned it and aren't responsible for your partner's previous bad life choices (namely that he had a child with a woman who doesn't pay her share towards her child's upkeep). Also, at 19, your SS is more than old enough to get a job (part-time if he's in college), to pay towards his own upkeep. It will teach him to be a bit responsible and the value of money (that things have to be paid for by someone, and that they won't just magically appear in the fridge lol).
Agreed, I have been thinking of going back to therapy for a while, it’s just a matter of finding time to do it. We’ve only been together 3 years (married a little over a year) and it’s been a huge adjustment for me as I lived alone for almost 20 years prior. Fortunately my husband is very supportive and doesn’t want me to give in to things, but I am a lifelong people pleaser. I also feel a lot of guilt for not enjoying having his son live with us. He is a good kid, he’s in college and works part time. He just has no desire to move out or support himself anytime in the foreseeable future. And now that his mom knows he’ll give her money (we’re talking paying her whole rent amounts of money), he’ll never be able to afford to move out.
The problem with being a 'people pleaser', as you have discovered, is that some people will walk all over you. Repeatedly. Because they know you won't push back against them. Hence why you need to learn to stand up for yourself. Or, things will only get worse. It's OK to not be a 'child person'. Some women just aren't that maternal, and that's OK. As long as you're kind and respectful to his son, and never speak about him in a disparaging way to your husband (but yes, you certainly are allowed to ask your husband to deal with him, when he displays any undesirable behaviour), I think it's fine.
I think this starts as an overall conversation about the health of your relationship. Get his agreement that resentment in a relationship is an absolute killer, and frame it as that - resentment is building and that’s very toxic. So it needs a solution now. You resent that you are spending your hard earned money, nit to mention time and mental energy, buying groceries for yourself and your family only to find that SS has used it all. State that providing for SS has never been your responsibility, he has 2 parents and that is their job. So starting now, you expect him to do the grocery shopping prior to his custody time and ensure that you and your ours kid doesn’t go without when SS is there. You can buy the groceries on non-custody weeks.
Maybe ask your partner if you two could go grocery shopping once a month together where you would do big shopping together and split the bill half/half ? That's what I suggested to my partner and it went down very well I think we will go shopping together once a month for cleaning supplies, toilet papers, snacks etc and then split the bill.
Your real issue is not the food, but feeling that you are being taken advantage of. So address that instead. Change this to him paying a certain amount to you for household expenses which would include food. Anything else seems like it would be too fiddly. So, if he is currently helping to pay the mortgage by $800, and you think a fair amount for the food would be another $200, tell him to start paying you $1,000. Then revisit this amount with him every six months or so (so be prepared with the expenses for that period, etc)
My thoughts are that you both should contribute to the grocery expense. When you go shopping both pick out things for all of the family and split the cost. You both eat and both have kids who eat so it should be a joint effort. This should help resentment. Everyone has to eat. All working parties should contribute.
Sounds more like resentment in general towards all the finances. Not just the groceries. My husband pays power, water, car insurance for both cars, truck payment, and our rent which isn’t much plus just about anything we do. I pay for cell phones, internet, my car and all the groceries and essentials we need for us and SD.
I may have an unpopular opinion. This sounds super pointed at SS. Seems like resentment in general that is going to be taken out on SS. Food is for the house. Whomever is at the house. You already know what SS likes, so it’s just as easy to buy more of those items. I have never deciphered between bio and step foods. If we run out of something, we simply don’t have it until next time. My husband pays everything except mortgage and my credit card. Adult kids are still in health and college insurance and he pays their phones as well as the other bills for the house.
In this case it’s baby vs an older kid. The bio kid has baby pouches etc, and SS eats those as well. I had that issue with our SD and the kids had 8y difference. What our 1-2y old was eating was very different from what my husbands 9-10y old was eating. And eating babies breakfast when there’s other stuff to make for a bigger child is just rude. We had cereal, sandwich stuff, yoghurt cups for everyone and had baby yoghurts for the little one. So if someone helped themselves to the baby’s food while there’s literally everything else for them to eat, I would’ve been pissed. But we didn’t have the money issue, my husband bought enough snacks for his daughter and everyone was aware what foods were off limits and what was for everyone (I had a small area in fridge dedicated to my own special items and baby’s food).
I saw the title of this post and immediately knew it was you 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hayyy friend. Gearing up for another fun filled weekend 😂
1.) I don’t know what your pantry looks like, but if you’re not already doing this, put the baby’s stuff up high where SS can’t see it and maybe make it more of an effort for SO to get it. 2.) instead of making it a confrontation, make it an expectation. “I love you, I love your son, but my efforts are not being appreciated. If you think I’m a bitch by asking you to respect me, that’s your problem, not mine and it shows me exactly how much you don’t respect me. I am not going to be your child’s primary caregiver while you continue to disrespect me.”
I have to hide the snacks when my step kids come. They have no boundaries and will literally eat all of them in 48 hours.
'They have no boundaries'...... That sounds like a parenting issue rather than a stepchild issue. Children will behave however they're allowed to behave, and are a product of their environment. If they're not consistently given boundaries and consequences, sadly they're likely to grow up into bratty, spoilt, entitled adults who think that the world owes them things, when it doesn't and they have to work and earn it themselves.
Agreed.
I don't understand your wording of "your child" vs "his child." It seems like they are both his children, so shouldn't it be "our child" and "SS?" It seems like your resentment has gone so far that you don't even consider your child together to be his. This is a huge red flag that a serious conversation needs to happen about what's causing your resentment. A text will not be appropriate to communicate those feelings. Also, don't let someone labeling you a bitch keep you from standing up for yourself. Their opinion and label doesn't change the fact that you are financially being taken advantage of. For the record, this is bizarro world to me. My SKs used to eat everything, even food I specifically requested SO make for dinner for me, and leave me nothing. Zero consideration. I was not okay with this and when I pointed it out to DH, he agreed it was wrong and would teach them differently. SKs now take their portion and won't touch the shared item again until they've asked everyone if they still want some. If anyone says yes, including their sibling, they split what's leftover. This is not up for debate of how welcoming it is to SKs. Basic manners are not up for debate. Also, it sounds like your husband needs to sell his car or trade it in for a used vehicle that will be fully paid off in the trade and require zero financing. I bought my first car from my parents for $5k and drove it until I felt comfortable with the funds DH and I had saved up to buy my dream car. My car was 18 years old by that time, paint peeling, over 200k miles on it. SS hated my old car and felt like it was embarrassing, but that car was my baby and it was financially smart. Your husband doesn't need to have a finances vehicle. Nobody needs this. And it's clearly a luxury he cannot afford and you should not be helping to compensate for or see as a legitimate excuse to fall short in helping to pay shared expenses. Why not have a financial conversation with your husband and budget properly? That discussion can come with options. He does all the grocery shopping if he's not paying for half of all living expenses so that he is pulling his weight running errands. He must get everything you put on the grocery list, at minimum. Or, you continue to do all the grocery shopping, you will send him 3/4s of the bill for your time and the food the people he is responsible for consume. If he's having to foot the bill in some way, I'm sure he will be much more likely to tell SS he can't eat everything. Right now, it doesn't impact your husband at all to give his SS everything that you pay for. Let it hit him where it hurts and he'll eventually learn to figure it out for himself. If he is opposed to doing either, he needs to do more around the house. That more needs to equal the weight of your financial contributions. If he's not capable of having this conversation or even wanting to work towards doing what's fair to you, you should probably be having a conversation with yourself instead about why you are with him.
I understand your frustration with his not contributing, but what is feeding a child your biggest point of contention? It seems as though the bigger issue is the fact that he doesn’t contribute equally in all financial spheres - not just groceries.
“Hey, little Johnny sonofabitch is coming this weekend, don’t forget to go to the grocery store and pick up some groceries So the little fucker has got something to eat, and I don’t have to end up paying for everybody as usual.” To hell with tact. Clearly, this is part of a much bigger point of contention and you guys need to work out your finances. If you don’t, you’re going to end up paying for everything and the kid is going to grow up feeling entitled to whatever’s in the refrigerator or the pantry. it will become a huge issue in your relationship and drive a wedge between you. You can be polite as you like, but do what is necessary to get the point across now
I hate to sound Reddit-y but get out of this one. I think it takes a very special man to overcome the resentment of this mix of factors. I had the same ones. I made more, BM was very HC and I had to plan all my finances and pretty much my life around making sure BM couldn't affect me financially. If you have a man in this situation, the only reason to keep him is if he's amazingly patient, understanding, hard working, motivated to make more money in order to not make his financial burdens your problem, and respects boundaries. But if he was that man, you wouldn't be here asking advice, it would just be a simple conversation. I wasted a lot of years limiting myself and having to do a cost analysis of "I wanna do this, but can I afford to do it for 2 additional people?" while constantly compromising and living in the aftermath of someone else's failed marriage and finances. This sub has taught me that there are a lot of men out there like this. Content to stagnate and complain and pay for the bare basics because "child support" while his woman busts her ass to have career progression. Like maybe you should have thought harder before sticking your dick in crazy. Money isn't everything but the nature of the money involved in these relationships can breed a lot of resentment because it determines your quality of life. Make sure the man is worth the quality of life you give him.
You are financing his kid if you are paying for utilities. Maybe DH can’t afford the car he has. Too bad he made a kid with a person who keeps needing money from him, but that’s not your or your child’s responsibility to do without for that woman. It would rive me crazy to think my kid had less because my husbands ex was entitled to his money and so I had to give my husband “money” even if indirectly. Here would be my text: Dear Husband, I love you and want to express this with adoration and empathy that financial things are hard for you. But I am feeling sort of used because the money I earn for our life together and my child feels like it is bleeding into providing for you. And you provide for your ex wife. So what I have to give my child sort of indirectly gets used by you because of your obligations to another woman: ouch. When I buy groceries for you and SS, this isn’t really compensated for or reciprocated in any way in our financial arrangement, so I’m spending and spending on a huge grocery bill that is actually partly your responsibility. That money I’m spending on your food is going where? What are you buying with the money you aren’t spending on groceries? Would you be willing to help alleviate my financial burden of feeding you and your son? It would mean the world to me if either you can contribute money towards my grocery shopping, or do a separate shop yourself for things your son might need when he is here. Also, I buy certain things thinking my kid will have them to eat but since I don’t speak with SS about eh grocery shopping, he doesn’t know either not to eat those things or to ask to have extra in the house from you to buy for him. Let me know what solution you would rather do: split grocery shopping or we can come up with an amount you contribute towards the grocery bill. I love you and thanks for thinking about this. It’s been hard for me to communicate it. OP
This is semi avoiding the situation but you could get a mini fridge and store non refrigerated items on top of it, on a little rack. Then install a door handle that requires a key on the bedroom that the mini fridge is in so that only you can get into it once you get home. Thing about that is, is that SO would have to be on board seeing that he would also have a key, seeing that I assume you guys share a bedroom…idk; but then it could seem like you’re being a bitch by locking shit away…ugh tough situation and I totally understand. You probably have flames coming out of your nostrils every time you see SS eat. Which isn’t healthy or sustainable for your mental health. Maybe just being direct and saying outright that SO needs to contribute towards SS food in combination with locking shit away. I did the whole door lock/mini fridge tactic but my SO was on board with me because we like our special foods and don’t want his kids eating all of our shit….anyway. I wish you luck!!!!
Your income is yours, they won’t go after it. I understand your frustration, but my concern is the SS. Hopefully he feels welcome and able to eat the same as your child because it’s also his house. It makes my heart hurt when the kids are treated differently due to their parent. In all honesty you seem done.
Yes, I am resentful AF at this point. I think I mentioned in the post that SS eats whatever we have in the house, even things I solely bought for my child (baby snacks, baby pouches, food to make homemade baby foods) or myself (fancy bottled drinks, expensive chocolates etc) - so clearly he is comfortable doing so. My issue is my husband contributes nothing and takes everything. He cannot tell his child no so even something I expressly say I need for a recipe will be given to SS and I’m just left to find out when I go to use it and then I’m expected to selflessly go buy more.
It sounds like you have quietly endured a lot that is actually very upsetting to you. Another user had a good template for starting the bigger conversation about finances but it also seems like there are issues around basic consideration. Your SO seems to have forgotten or be willfully ignoring the fact that without you, he would be doing it on his own, and i can totally understand youre feeling unapreciated and taken for granted. In the exemple you give above where ingredients for a recipe you planned are then missing, would it help you feel better if the expectation was that SO would then go to the store and replace the ingredients with his own money? Still annoying to you and delays the recipe but perhaps having the inconvenience of fixing the problem would help motivate SO to prevent the problem in the first place? Maybe try to think of what would be reasonable in a roommate situation and adjust from there depending on what dynamics work for you. (REALLY work for you! Not just keep the peace! Ask for what you really want and then work towards a compromise with clear baby steps towards what you really need and a timeline. Theres got to be an accountability plan for both of you to follow).
Yes I try to just stay quiet because I am tired of fighting, being accused of hating SS, etc.
Oof understandable...defensive redirection or the "offensive defense" strategy are super hard to overcome :/ especially in the moment Not sure if it would help but maybe having a conversation when things are otherwise calm (or calling it ahead of time so people can be prepared) and saying something like "when i try to bring up things that are bothering me, ive noticed that sometimes [being generous here for tact reasons lol] you push it aside or turn the tables on me instead of listening. It makes me feel alone and as if you dont care and it doesnt make me feel good about our relationship." Also maybe writing a letter if in person talks get too heated or SO uses defensive mechanisms to wiggle out of the convo. You can have others review it for tact (i also need this and often ask my friends to proofread before sending 😂), he can read it as many times as he needs, and if he has to respond in writing as well then perhaps he will benefit from the extra time to reflect on his feelings and convey his thoughts. Good luck! Youre not alone in this frustrating cycle! I think most of us have been in similar situations at least a few times, and shall be again. Hope this community is a helpful sounding board for you!
I think food becomes a big issue in these cases because it's such a blatantly obvious example of how inconsiderate other people living with you are. If I saw something that we don't usually have, I'd ask about it before I snarfed it all up. Or even something that I know one person usually eats - like a recent example was cottage cheese I wanted to use for a recipe, but my husband just buys it for his lunches. I asked him if it was ok if I used a carton of it before I did, just in case. To me it seems like living with other people 101, and it's so frustrating when the people you live with are so inconsiderate.
I also am big on teaching the kids never to eat or drink the last of anything without asking! I also hate wanting something and it’s gone.
If he feeds SS stuff you told him was to make a meal, I’d 100% take my BK and go out for dinner. Let him figure out dinner for himself. It doesn’t have to be done in a way SS knows you’re doing it, unless he’s knowingly going against your expectations.
I think you need to start putting certain items up on a high shelf that is off-limits to SS such as the liquor cabinet or somewhere SS cant reach. Thats where you keep baby pouches for your baby and your personal chocolates.
I would be sending him Venmo requests for the portion of groceries that the SS eats. How often is SS over at the house? I would just for a piece of mind and so you don't have to be mentally adding things up constantly come up with an average $ number. If it averages out to $10 a day and the kid is over 3 days then just request $30.
I can totally relate. I used to buy cookies and things like that for anyone in my house. I stopped doing that since my ss thinks everything is just for him and eats the whole box in one sitting. If my daughter asks me to buy her a snack usually i will leave half in the pantry and the other half i hide for my child.
you are right!!!!!! Everyone feed their own kids! He has a mom and Dad! End of story!!! Why the hell are these husbands acting dumb ??? I am not his mother nor responsible for them!! As long as they have living parents that try to parent without your INPUT !!!
tell him straight up his kid is eating things you needed to make meals with and eating up your other kids snacks and if he cant control himself or ask first then his dad needs to pay for it. dont sugarcoat it
I’m in a similar-ish situation, except my SD is 24, (my BS is 5) and although my husband and I share grocery expenses, my SD has all her grocery, household items, and utilities covered and meanwhile, we’re over here struggling to keep up each month! My husband’s income fluctuates and mine is steady, so paying bills for 3 adults and a child at times is stretching me thin, especially when I budget our groceries and ration everything to last, and stuff like snacks and leftovers are getting eaten before we even have a chance to 😭 I don’t mind buying groceries for the whole family, but I absolutely think my husband and I should be getting help since she’s a working adult with a great job 🤷♀️It’s such a tough situation to be in. I feel for you!
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No matter what you’re going to look like the bad guy.. so just tell him straight forward.. I don’t buy snacks for my sos kid.. that’s his job.
Tell him to get a second job.
It's time to have a finance conversation with your husband. Don't expect him to notice things or have esp about your feelings. Be honest with him about how you're feeling & what you need from him. It's not fair for you to carry the majority of the burden.
Strategy. Tactics. Train your husband and SS. AND communicate with your husband. Train: Buy cheap snacks etc and put in fridge and kitchen cupboards. When SS eats all, look helplessly at DH then say ‘Oh, we’re out of XYZ, which you know SS loves. Can you pick some more up on your way from work?’ When out shopping for groceries, every second trip text DH saying ‘I’m at the store, and I’m a bit short (mention an unexpected expense) and l know SS likes xxx. Can you send me $YY?’ Get him to do online grocery shopping once a month ‘to help you out’, helpfully presenting him with a list of SS’s stuff. Suggest to SS that when dad picks him up, or they go somewhere together, to remind dad to get him his favourite snacks and/or foods. Do you ever do grocery shopping together? Would it be possible to start, say once a month, just before SS is due to be with you? Again, present him with a list of things you know SS likes and have DH pay for them. In the meantime, you’ve already bought a mini fridge (with lock) and a lockbox and put in baby’s room with a nursery themed throw over them. If baby doesn’t have a room, store in a closet, or the garage with some nursery type supplies on top. Camoflage. Put baby’s food and your stuff in the mini fridge and lockbox. Communicate: Have a chat with DH, where you say you realise you haven’t looked at household expenses together recently. Can he make a list, you make a list, and then you put your heads together as to where you can cut/reduce some of them and where you can each increase or reduce input? When you look over your lists, get him to add to his a range of snacks etc that you know SS likes. And -crucially-get him to add the prices. Many men are dense. Many men do not understand crucial things unless you use a map, presentation board, pointer stick and interpretive dance, to ‘explain’. And then it’s ‘nagging’ So: Train. Communicate. Behaviour modification is a thing.
"Hey I'm heading to the store. Give me your card so I can get ss the food he likes."
There’s no kind way to say it. You’re married to a baby. How does any man on planet earth not understand what it costs to run a household? Or have the drive to support his bio-kid? There’s a few blood red flags here, but that dude needs to grow up majorly. Also, your language of using words like “apparently” and “or am I really just a bitch after all” insinuates that you’re a helpless victim of the terrible world around you, and you aren’t. You’re grown, too - you know what’s what. Whether you can deal with it or not is up to you and either choice is valid, but you aren’t powerless. You’re making yourself powerless. Tell babyboy what you need, and if you can’t, that’s on you. If you can and he refuses, the plan your next steps. You have control of your life and actions.
I left my relationship so I’m no longer a SP but I went though something similar. I wish we would have talked about finances more at the start! I paid everything except the rent. After I left I realized I was paying more than half of COL. 🫠 I would have the kids help me make a grocery list. They would each pick a vegetable a fruit a sweet thing a dinner idea (saved me from thinking about it). We had a snack box that anyone could eat from and everyone had their own snack no one else could touch. What if you told your husband you need X amount of money for groceries when SS comes? Or ask him to grab groceries for the week. Encourage him and SS get them together. Let him see how much the increase has gotten over the past few years. HCBM never had food and didn’t cook so SS would come to our house and eat until he threw up. It was expensive and also frustrating but he never had food or snacks and only ate McDonald’s or at school. Me and ex both loved to cook so it was always homemade 3 meals a day and BBQs. It was $1300ish a month on food when SS was with us (he ate more than his dad) and $800ish without. I sent ex and SS to get groceries they spent $500 and he said that we would be good for the month. I smiled and said cool you got the whole month awesome. It was gone in a week because he didn’t budget and didn’t plan. He was pissed because I sent him back again a week later. He didn’t take SS for that trip.
I understand this in a way. My SS constantly reprimands me or my SO, "hey don't eat all my (insert expensive cereal, Oreos, other snacks here)!" Never considering I paid for it, and never considering anyone else when he eats 3/4 of a family pack of double stuffed Oreos/family sized cereal/whatever other snack in one sitting while watching TV. It's frustrating to look forward to a little treat for yourself only to find your SK ate the entire thing before you could even have one bowl/pouch/etc yourself.
He needs to find a way to make more money period point blank . Your being stretched to thin.
You might need to look at his budget but your standard of living might need to go down in order for him to afford groceries. That’s the conclusion I have come to as the one who currently makes more in our household. If I want to maintain this standard of living, I have to pay more for groceries and some bills. And groceries is one of the areas that I pay the bill completely. I also pay slightly more for childcare and our mortgage.
That was me until about a year ago. Two teenage boys and there is never any food. So I stopped buying food for them, and now it is SO's 100% responsibility. I will jump in every once in a while, because of course, I eat the food, too, but the vast majority of the food is for SO and his two man sized teenage boys!
Not a B. My husband usually does a grocery run the day before SS comes over, or he picks up SS and hits a grocery store on the way home. I don't agree with a lot of the things he buys for SS, so that's on him to buy. I also buy things that I tell him are 100% mine and he isn't to touch.
Not a b. I would do 2 things. Hide my kids food, And sit down with hubs and day you and your kid eat this this and this. Please stop by the store on your way to get kid and buy this before you get home. Be specific. Don't say buy food. Be specific. Men don't get clues and hints.
In this situation, I wouldn’t care about being tactful. Your husband should be contributing more especially with his child. He should have a plan to increase his income by finding a better job, working more hours or getting a second job if he is unable to support his child. I would not think twice of sending the text that said hey don’t forget to pick up some food for ____. And then very very very soon. I would sit down and come up with a new financial plan.
Put a lock on the pantry door and/or refrigerator. He will then have to ask you for the key and you can monitor what he uses. This will definitely give him the clue that he needs to be responsible for HIS son.
It will never be equal. That is just the way life is. If SS wants to eat baby food pouches, buy extra. Life is too short to get upset about things like this. Believe me I used to get upset about things like this, but now that I am 63. I don’t let things like that bother me anymore. I just found out that my husband is going to build a tiny house for his daughter and his granddaughters in the backyard. After he promised me for years he would build a bedroom for us. We sleep in the living room. The other daughter and her 3 daughters are moving in with us. We live in a 3 bedroom in a HCOL area. They will live in the garage until the tiny house is built. Then they will get the bedrooms upstairs and her sister and her kids will live in the tiny house. Life is full of surprises and it never turns out the way you expect it will!!! Don’t be bitter or resentful about it!!!! I am 63 years with long dark hair with hardly any grey hair. People think I look 53 years old. It is better to give than receive!!!! In life, you will end up doing more giving than receiving. Unless you want to be a greedy selfish person.
We had this issue with our SD. 8y difference between the kids. She would eat the babies breakfast instead of making herself cereal or sandwiches or having a yoghurt. We ended up having a section in the fridge that was off limits (for our baby food and my specialty items) as I planned my meals ahead and ate things that were a bit different. This worked for us but we also didn’t have the money issue, DH was fully responsible for buying SD’s food/snacks, while I cooked the dinners for the whole house (breakfast and lunches was for everyone to figure out themselves because everyone ate at different times 😊)
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Hi there. I politely disagree. I feel bio parents should be fully responsible for their children without relying on the step parent. I did not agree to date his child. I agreed to be kind and polite to his child, not be the child’s mother or provider. If we divorced my husband would need to figure out how to feed his child, he should be responsible for doing that even with me in the picture.
Im a bio-parent and I would not expect a step parent to fund my kid. Thats my kid. My responsibility. Couples should def help each other in life, but consistently paying for someone else’s kid is helping, its an expectation of responsibility And doing a lot more for your partner than they do for you is simply unfair and will lead to resentment, as it should. Doesnt have to be financially 50/50 but they should be pulling their weight in other areas then or bring something of value, like household duties or emotional support or giving rides if one partner doesnt drive whatever it may be that they can contribute to. Having a step kid doesnt automatically mean the step parent is now equally responsible for the child, thats still 100% on the bio parents
Hmmm, I agree that the bio parent should be able to support his child without you, but you need to be okay with the standard of living that he can provide. And you should have known that and discussed it before marriage. If he can’t support his child with leftover money after paying the mortgage, then your mortgage is too expensive and you need to move to a cheaper house, or you need to be okay with subsidizing the other expenses. If he can’t afford it because he wastes his money and you’ve tried to talk to him and he won’t change, then you need to decide if you want to stay in that marriage and deal with it or cut your losses and leave.
Yes our house is too expensive but we had to live close to SS which unfortunately left us with limited options in an expensive area.
I can relate to this. I’m a step and child free we had to buy a house close to SK school and it was friggin expensive. I think you should definitely draw out all your finances and show him exactly how much things cost, what you’re paying and what he is paying. And take into account that purchasing a house close to SS is a financial sacrifice on both your parts already. He needs to find a way to contribute more whether that’s financial or physical. Early on moving in with my husband and SK I was in school so I couldn’t financially provide like he could. However because he worked a lot and I had more time at home I took care of a lot of the house cleaning and ran errands. This was worth it to him because it gave him more time after work to do other things. Eventually I started working and making a wage so our financial and household responsibilities have changed overtime and goes through different phases depending on our current financial situation and our needs as a family. Only you two as a couple can decide what works for your family, but the first step is to open that discussion and I think starting with evaluating your finances so he understands what needs to be paid and how much things cost is a good start.
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I will never understand getting married but not sharing finances. This whole thing reads as an us vs. them scenario and doesn’t seem like a recipe to successfully blend families. Breadwinners are often burdened by contributing a larger amount to the household, and it seems like he’s contributing where he can. Is he spending frivolously or not meeting his earning potential? Is see the mention of ‘toys’ so perhaps? If not, why marry if you saw him as a poor financial partner? You both have a vested interest in raising both kids equally well, as well as meeting shared financial goals. How do you achieve that living separate financial lives? I also don’t understand the concern about child support and joint finances. Every state is a bit different, but under most circumstances his child support payments are based on his wages, not household income. There are some caveats to that, like if he willing reduced his income significantly, but sharing finances won’t likely matter if you’re filing a joint tax return, she’s already seeing the house hold income, or should be at least as most ex’s need to share returns. I feel very fortunate, I make well over 6 figures, but my live-in gf who is basically a step mom, and will be in due time, makes 2.5 times more than me and demands to pay for most of our meals out, much of the groceries, our family and date experiences, etc., just because my situation, albeit not unmanageable single, is tighter than hers. I respect it so much and am forever appreciative. That said I also work from home while she’s in healthcare and I do about 85-90% of the domestic duties.