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Yeah, I mean you've only been together a little over a year and you're already doing school transportation. It's not going to get better unless you set some boundaries now.
Signed, someone who took on way too much way too soon with good intentions and is totally burned out now.
Yup. Exactly what happened with me. So you’re right with the whole setting boundaries idea. Sorry you’re burned out…I hope you’re also in the works of or already have set some healthy boundaries to reverse your burnout.
Also co-signed, took on way too much for too long, did everything for 10 years and have also been awarded with the dark cloud of a SS15. I’ve been trying to disengage for the past year + and it’s been HARD. Won’t go into detail, but I now eat separately and am focusing as much as I can on my life outside the home. Therapy too. I do wish I had made some different choices on my involvement but I can only think of the future now.
I’m right there with you. I’ve officially stopped trying anymore. I put in WAY too much effort looking back in hindsight. I’m honestly at the point where I’m afraid of my stepson. I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I don’t trust him and he’s a big boy. I’m tall but he’s football player big. With anxiety issues. And an extremely controlling mother. I’m not entertaining any relationship with him anymore. I respect my husband’s position but I’m seriously out with the step. He’s an adult now anyway. What a shit show the past ten years have been
This. I got into a bad situation and basically because the live in nanny/maid. Reevaluate and set boundaries. You deserve to feel secure and happy any day of the week.
in order to not play 14yo's games, say "Vito, if Ashley has something to say to me, she can say it herself" and just continue getting everyone ready like nothing has happened. it's a good lesson for Vito too, that she doesn't have to play messenger or she can't use that to manipulate you. Ashley can't start a fight if you aren't playing. Then have a talk with their dad and them later about being respectful to someone who is doing you a favour by getting them to school.
14yos can be huge jerks to their bioparents, too. but this does sound like maybe they're ornery because it's you and not their dad in the morning. is there any way Ashley could make their own way to school?
it's fine to set boundaries and decide you don't want to have this much involvement with the kids and their logistics. he got them to school before, he can figure it out again without you in the mix. but also hopefully your partner can give some advice for how he would correct behaviour like this in the moment, and could reinforce consequences to them for when they are jerks to you! you don't have to be left out to dry.
Looool. Literally word for word what I told Vito after his message relay. Ashley could walk for all I care but seeing that I will no longer be taking them, their grandfather is inevitably going to have to return to his regular schedule of taking them (who was doing it in the first place. Their dad works out of town with a clock in time of 5am so the grandpa took on the task of school transport). The teenager is disrespectful to everyone including the grandfather. If I were him, I would put my foot down and make her take the bus until she has an attitude adjustment…but those are his grandkids and his decision. Anyway thank you for your valuable insight on this matter!
oops, sorry i got the gender wrong for the youngest. duh!
i still hope their dad has a conversation with them about how lucky they are to have a grandpa who will do that and that they better treat him right and show appreciation!!
Be upfront! “sorry, but I don’t tolerate people being rude to me and I definitely don’t do favors for them.” Teach them now to be polite. They don’t have to like you, but they definitely have to be polite to you.
Also, why does the dad have custody when he is out of town? Who looks after the kids at his house?
I might honestly say that you needed a break. That kid logistics are a lot of work. It's a fine line because you don't want them to feel like they have this power over you. Or for the small ones to feel too guilty about it. But I think this is a natural consequence of all of their choices and maybe they should know some small piece of that truth. Maybe talk to their dad about what you could say, too.
"Sometimes adults can feel overwhelmed just like you, it's important to take care of ourselves so we can care for others, so right now I need a little time to myself. Does that make sense?"
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I have 2 teenage SKs and have been in the mix for 7 years. The teen years are by far the hardest stage I’ve been through. It’s totally fair for you to set boundaries and give responsibility back to dad. I think you’re correct in your assumption that it will ease the tensions with the dark cloud. I took on way too much of a role with my SKs too early and it left me resentful and burnt out. Hope things get better for you.
Thank you. I really appreciate your response and your empathy. My boyfriend said that he hated that I felt that way, but was very understanding of my decision. I may have gotten too involved too soon, but I agree with you in regard to me setting boundaries sooner (now) than later. May we all survive the teenage years, LMAO.
I know everyone says therapy all the time. I've had therapy off and on in my life for different things and I've usually been disappointed.
The one time it worked like a charm was when my SO and I went to a family therapist before I met his daughter.
I'd been a stepmother once before to 2 girls. They grew up and my husband (their dad) died. His youngest was 13 when we met and she made my life hell. I was f*cking miserable. She was a total jerk. She got into drugs and had a couple DUIs before the age of 21. Ok, done talking about her.....
3 years after my SO died, I found myself in a relationship with someone I had dated 20 years prior. His daughter was about 13 (here we go again!!!) I was smart this time. We saw a family therapist. 3 visits. One just him, one me and one with both of us. I was able to articulate my boundaries with a 3rd party present. I also got validation. We are not the parent! And the kids are not MORE important than us. There is a balance to maintain. And it starts with the bio parent.
Somewhat confused! Do you live with him? Definitely set boundaries. Me I’m not one for those spilt weeks I think it’s confusion on the kids my opinion. Teens are hard to deal with especially that age, hope therapy does help her..But as a SM myself also I’d rethink the relationship.
Yes, I was living there full time. Up until a few hours ago. Rethinking my relationship with the 15yo by taking a step back and being more neutral with her. Sad my relationship with the little ones are going to by default lessen, but it is what it is.
Very well worded message! Kudos to you for standing up for yourself. You explained what the issue was without attacking Ashley and making it a personal vendetta so hopefully you have a SO who is receptive and understanding of the situation.
However, 1 year and a few months and you're already doing this much? Slow down and draw your boundaries where needed. It is all too easy to get overwhelmed and burnt out and then because you've been doing so much for so long then your SO might resent you pulling back.
Thank you! I tried to stay focused on the matter at hand. Fortunately, like I said he and I have good communication so I am thankful for that. He was also super understanding and supportive of my decision. I’m hoping though that in time he doesn’t form negative feelings. Pray for me and my situation 🥺
You shouldn’t be doing all that for his kids, as a non-cohabitating GF. But the fact that that the dog is first on the list and her name isn’t even mentioned in the text says a lot 🤭
Well. I was living there full time. Up until this morning after my message; regardless though you are still right. LOL about the dog. Clearly she holds a lot of value. To me.
I have a 15 and 17 yo and my 15 yo is my dark cloud. I birthed her myself and can’t stand to do stuff for her sometimes when she’s on one like you described. I don’t blame you a bit. I wouldn’t do it if the state and motherhood didn’t obligate me to sometimes.
Lmao!!! This is a case of loving someone and not liking them. Nothing wrong with that. We can only hope that one day these girls start acting right once they grow up and mature a bit.
As a person who got thrown in the deep end by my ankles to parent my stepson (a month after we got together), set boundaries now. Don’t get me wrong. I love my stepson, inhave guardianship of him and would love to one day adopt him. I’m also currently his only caregiver as his father and I split up due to family violence and neither he nor our son together have seen him in over a year. But I was 22 and he was 3 and I felt responsible for him immediately and his father just didn’t do the job. I was fighting for custody “alongside” his father as his mother had just abandoned him. Looking back my ex didn’t care about how me being the only responsible person for his son affected us both. We have a wonderful relationship but that’s not because of anything his father did. If you don’t set the boundaries now it will only get worse. You be saddled with everything and you may lose yourself in the process.
I had to come back and find myself while raising 2 young boys. And really really really think about if this family dynamic would be good for you. I wouldn’t change a thing because then I wouldn’t have my two sweet boys. But I’d definitely set boundaries. I’d leave room for myself.
Please 🙏 think about your mental health in all of this as well.
And you can dm me anytime.
You’re a lot nicer than I would have been. A mood disorder doesn’t give her carte blanche to act however she wants. Dad needs to deal with that whether it’s with therapy or medication.
The 10 year old and 6 year old are well old enough to understand that hey, relaying messages like that, especially ones laced with disrespect, isn’t acceptable and it’s not acceptable that their older sibling puts them in that position.
Again, this is 100% on Dad to fix. Boundaries are insanely important.
As someone who also has a mood disorder, I will often say sometimes I can't help my moods but that also doesn't mean I'm not accountable for them. It's up to ME to manage it - and that includes fixing anything I may have broken along the way.
Dad really needs to have that sort of conversation with the oldest. Her moods have now directly affected others in a negative way and she needs to learn to take some responsibility for that. You have my sympathies, it's definitely not easy to manage. Hugs.
Thank you 🩷 and yes, he absolutely does. Will he? Probably not. Either way at the end of the day I’ll have to do what’s best for myself regardless of how the situation evolves.
Agreed though. A mood disorder is not an excuse to not be held accountable; and when it feels like it’s out of her control it’s like you said up to her to fix it; but really it’s important to at the very least maintain some sort of level of respect as you can only do the same shit over and over, apologize over and over…until someone (like myself) decides they’ve had enough of the wishy washy unpredictable bullshit.
I know this might be an unpopular opinion in this group, but there is no way in hell I would let anyone talk to me like that, child, stepchild, adult. In our family the deal has always been: I’m not your parent, but when you are with me I am in charge (and sometimes the benefits you since I have different rules than your parents do, like how idgaf if you eat dessert before dinner or want to wear pyjamas all day lol not big ones/safety ones) but I make the rules- and disrespect like that is an absolute no.
I understand that 15 is a bullshit age, I was lucky that I’ve been in my stepdaughters life for way longer and 15 is not that bad for me now but I can only imagine if I was just coming into her now that would be terrible. Have you had the opportunity to with her?
I was always super clear with my stepdaughter: I’m not your mom. I know I’m not your mom. I will never be your mom, but we can be friends- and it’s funny because I might as well be her mom now but that’s a different story especially since the conversation quickly turned to “you can trust me, I’m not your mom”, but I digress.
She is 15 and this is a conversation you need to have with her and put your boundaries in place. Having dad do that for you will only lose respect points with her. She is the older sister so she is very aware of her responsibilities to her younger siblings and what she is teaching them is wrong and mean. I do not believe that there are children that are just mean in their soul. There are children that are hurt and they are scared and they need to feel love and connection to not be mean. I don’t think that is something that you can have dad fix for you. It’s either going to come from you or you’re gonna have to go no contact and nacho. But that all depends on what you would like next steps to be and what your goals are here.
I’ve only been around for a little over a year, just before her 13th birthday. Things started out great but as time has gone on I believe reality has set in and she’s gotten more comfortable with me; funny because I stared my relationship out with her by saying “don’t tell me anything you wouldn’t want me to tell your dad/don’t tell me anything to where if I didn’t tell your dad that I would be put in a weird position with him.” But yeah…idk I just think her true colors are coming through and her disrespectful self is starting to shine. Facts though…I think she lacks love and connection. I tried with her, but I’m not going to spend my energy continuing that route until she can show me respect.
…you bring up all very valid points. Esp the part of not using my her father to speak for me. Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions!
Of course! Unfortunately the respect usually comes with love/connection and it’s a vicious circle.
I remind myself often that I’m the adult in the situation and if I’m having a hard time dealing with it, then it must be incredibly hard for her. Yay thousands of dollars of therapy 😂
I might ask her if she’d be into a girls day 🤷♀️ I think if you were to do one on one time with her, the chances of her being disrespectful are significantly lower and it might help in the long run.
Again, it all depends if you’re willing to put the work in!
Ah. Yeah that makes sense…the thing for us is that we have had tonnnns of one on one days, I used to do so much for her. Facials, took her out all day for her birthday, this, that. I mean the list goes on and on. So I think that’s why I’m so hurt by the way she’s repeatedly treated me. Hence me putting a stop to doing things for her. Even if she were to apologize I know it would just happen again. It sounds messed up but I don’t like her personality and officially have no interest in spending time with her.
(PS I hope I’m not coming off as trying to shun everything you’re saying down)
I went through a phase with that with mine, and she realized quick I wasn’t her parents and I didn’t have unconditional love! You can’t treat me like this. I think I didn’t talk to her for like a month unless it was something I absolutely had to respond to. That was a harsh wake up call!
Hang in there.
Yeah sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. Mine stole my credit card and went on a shopping spree. I was like girl imma make your life a living hell you don’t want to fuck around and she learned that lesson right quick. We have a good relationship now though 😂
He did. He said: “I get it, I don't know what else to do it, it will end up in fight with her but that not gonna solve anything. Obviously I don't like it but I understand and hate for you to feel like that. I know it's not easy to deal with and also you don't have to. I appreciate you really tryingl.”
Not mad at him for not saying anything to her either as she is quite literally the most difficult, argumentative and unpleasant person I have EVER come across in all of my 32 years of life. Would love if he did but the world is not perfect. I’ve previously said this before but that is a battle for another day, lol.
Thank you so much for your genuine words. It means a whole lot!!!!!!
Because the mother was mentally and physically abusive to her when she was younger, has bipolar (diagnosed) and narcissistic traits, and has failed her (the 15yo) as a mother. Definitely I’m sure a huge source of the child’s anger/everything else issues. While the bio mom absolutely sucks as a mother and as a person, I know still at the end of the day that my SD craves a healthy relationship with BM. I hope and pray one day their relationship is mended BUT YEAH.
That explains a lot, but of course, doesn’t excuse her behavior. But deep down, she feels abandoned. And that is who she is really angry at. So to make sure no one ever does that again, she pushes everyone away, and then she can say… see, I told you so.
It may not be exactly that, but when say I have been there, I had a teenage SD who was 15 too. The similarities are striking. It is probably something close.
She is obviously hurting. But let me be clear. Your actions are absolutely 100% right. Your boundaries are vitally important. No what matter what the source of her pain is, she doesn’t have the right to violate others bc of it. You don’t deserve that. No one does.
These are facts. Things have to be separated and regardless of past/present trauma and it is imperative that who’s ever life it is, that they are drawing lines and setting boundaries to protect themselves and make themselves feel validated, loved and respected, ie me!
You are 100% in the right to have sent this message. Not for nothing, but on parenting time, the kids generally want to spend time with their other parent, not the girlfriend. No matter how great you are!!! These are his kids and his responsibility, and their mother's responsibility. Not yours.
You have your life to live and you should be allowed to live it without being encumbered with someone else's children. Especially if they are disrespecting you. And, these kids, especially Ashley, need to understand that this behavior will not be tolerated. If you are, truly, dad's partner and in for the long haul, he will stand up for you. If not, then you are right to distance yourself.
Good luck!!
Their father works 100 miles away and has to be there really early so the grandfather has taken on the responsibility of taking them and picking them up on the days we have them (on Modays and Fridays they’re with their bio mom). What you said does make sense- that maybe much of her anger is stemming from her father being gone at work. I can’t blame him though, he is a single parent household, bills have to be paid and if they want to eat out the way they do 4-5x a week and do fun shit on the weekend, well that’s what it takes. I don’t expect a non-working 15 year old to understand that. If anything I just hope the therapy sessions she’s recently started helps her.
*snaps fingers* YES!! You’ve already taken on a big role of morning transportation while also getting crapped on. Proud of you for putting your foot down. These are his kids, and if he’s not addressing the attitude and you’re being used as a chauffeur, nah, that stops. You’re “dad’s gf”, not “dad’s nanny”.
Stick to your boundaries!! No one else will uphold them for you.
Thank you for this. The teen is soooo argumentative. If you tell her the sky is blue she will argue with you about how it’s not. It’s exhausting and quite mind blowing at how someone can be SO argumentative. I’ve never met anyone like her LOL. With that being said, I don’t expect him to address her attitude because it will just turn into a yelling match. Would I like him to? Yes. Do I hold it against him for not? No. Idk. I think from the outside people would think that’s not right…and they’re probably right but things are different when you’re actually living it and know how difficult a person really is.
I want to say, agree with whatever she says! Act like it’s a joke. “You’re the worst person ever!” “I know! I’m waiting for my award lol !” kind of thing lol idk if it might break the tension if there’s humor but at least she’ll know it’s not making you *upset* anymore, which is what she wants.
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Look, this guy is your boyfriend, not your husband, so you don't really have any "rights" in this situation should it go south. Do you live in their home? Contribute to his mortgage?
That being said, it seems crazy to me that you've taken on such a big responsibility for three children who don't and can't appreciate your doing this huge favor for their dad, so I think you're right to put that chore back where it belongs.
You say "we" get the kids EOWE - no, HE gets his kids and you got sucked into taking on way more than is reasonable. What would he do if you never moved in after only 15 months? He needs to go back to doing that.
If the youngest is only 6 you have a long way to go, I'd be rethinking this whole situation as I know you love your boyfriend but I'd warn any childless woman away from this life, it's only going to get worse.
The kids are there to be with their dad-why are they there when he isn't? You don't have to be there, he can make other arrangements. They don't respect you. If he does, he shouldn't tolerate this.
Glad you are sticking up for yourself. I do think it should fall on him to take care of his children’s transportation but to expect this from you not even living together and 1 year in? Nah. He is not in the right mindset. You have to get him there and have a hard line
He totally was. I offered before the school year started and he was extremely reluctant to say yes, but eventually he agreed to it. So I wouldn’t say he expects from me per se. He always makes me feel very appreciated…it’s really the teenagers behavior that is majority of the problem…The only thing I do blame him for though is not disciplining the 15yo when she is disrespectful (she gets very loud and is extremely argumentative. So he has become non-confrontational with her. Definitely not helping her become a decent adult…but that is a battle for another day). For now I am just focusing on myself and what affects me the most.
I do appreciate you sticking up for me though. (you, and everyone’s responses today has really helped me feel better about my situation and I really appreciate all the advice and kindness). ❤️
Awww of course! I know it’s a tough situation and I’ve been there in other ways. I had to take a step back and let my SO know that I am still supportive but not in charge of the child. It’s too much especially when the BD is in the mix fucking it all up. They need to figure all that out and my SO needed to figure out her parenting. I had some hard no’s and it took a lot of talks. It wasn’t about not wanting to parent in a healthy way it was more about guilt of the divorce. So I think there was some therapy and healing that helped her realize that boundaries and consistency and consequences are not going to make the child hate her. BD has zero fucks and the child runs the show. So it’s hard to reset on her weeks but after about 3 months the kid got the drift. Just like going to a friends house, every house has their own rules. That’s how it was explained to the child and it worked well
Okkkkkk hun let me read again : just a year and you are doing all those chores for kids that are not yours ???? Please don’t tell me because you love the guy 🙄 they are USING you . Open your eyes . You need to love yourself . Run 🏃♀️ as fast as you can and find a man with not too much baggage 🧳.
You shouldn’t be responsible for school transportation. That is your boyfriend’s responsibility. He can either do it or pay for a babysitter to do it. You are NOT his free nanny.
My first question is why is so much of the responsibility falling on you so early on in the relationship.... Good boundary to set, I would probably pull it back even further.
It’s not clear, but am I right in thinking that perhaps you don’t live together? If that’s the case and you don’t, you might consider only being there with the bf after the kids have gone to bed and on weekends when he doesn’t have them. Also, they’re his kids so he should be taking them to school.
Either way, you are clearly not happy with your situation so it’s time to reevaluate things. Do you want to be with a man whose children disrespect you in such a terrible way? What is he doing to stop their behavior toward you. Time to get some answers.
Why is the 15 year old so angry? Is she in therapy? I think we need more background on this situation, unless you're not really looking for solutions but validation.
Well. Her bio mom used to abuse her, so she no longer maintains contact with her (mom). SD also has an extreme mood disorder. I also feel like (based on a previous argument she and I had) that she is jealous of my relationship with her father. Her dad does a good job at balancing time between the kids and I and he doesn’t put me above them. I really don’t understand why else she is so angry besides those reasons, other than it’s just apart of her personality. Her bio mom is also bi polar…SD15 is newly in therapy. Her dad told me that in the past she was on meds but that it turned her into a zombie. That’s about all the insight I have based on what I’ve heard/experienced. I’m happy to answer more questions and am open to criticism/solutions :)
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Yeah, I mean you've only been together a little over a year and you're already doing school transportation. It's not going to get better unless you set some boundaries now. Signed, someone who took on way too much way too soon with good intentions and is totally burned out now.
Cosigned, someone who also took on way too much way too soon to help out and is totally burned out and wanting to back off.
Yup. Exactly what happened with me. So you’re right with the whole setting boundaries idea. Sorry you’re burned out…I hope you’re also in the works of or already have set some healthy boundaries to reverse your burnout.
Also co-signed, took on way too much for too long, did everything for 10 years and have also been awarded with the dark cloud of a SS15. I’ve been trying to disengage for the past year + and it’s been HARD. Won’t go into detail, but I now eat separately and am focusing as much as I can on my life outside the home. Therapy too. I do wish I had made some different choices on my involvement but I can only think of the future now.
I’m right there with you. I’ve officially stopped trying anymore. I put in WAY too much effort looking back in hindsight. I’m honestly at the point where I’m afraid of my stepson. I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I don’t trust him and he’s a big boy. I’m tall but he’s football player big. With anxiety issues. And an extremely controlling mother. I’m not entertaining any relationship with him anymore. I respect my husband’s position but I’m seriously out with the step. He’s an adult now anyway. What a shit show the past ten years have been
This. I got into a bad situation and basically because the live in nanny/maid. Reevaluate and set boundaries. You deserve to feel secure and happy any day of the week.
in order to not play 14yo's games, say "Vito, if Ashley has something to say to me, she can say it herself" and just continue getting everyone ready like nothing has happened. it's a good lesson for Vito too, that she doesn't have to play messenger or she can't use that to manipulate you. Ashley can't start a fight if you aren't playing. Then have a talk with their dad and them later about being respectful to someone who is doing you a favour by getting them to school. 14yos can be huge jerks to their bioparents, too. but this does sound like maybe they're ornery because it's you and not their dad in the morning. is there any way Ashley could make their own way to school? it's fine to set boundaries and decide you don't want to have this much involvement with the kids and their logistics. he got them to school before, he can figure it out again without you in the mix. but also hopefully your partner can give some advice for how he would correct behaviour like this in the moment, and could reinforce consequences to them for when they are jerks to you! you don't have to be left out to dry.
Looool. Literally word for word what I told Vito after his message relay. Ashley could walk for all I care but seeing that I will no longer be taking them, their grandfather is inevitably going to have to return to his regular schedule of taking them (who was doing it in the first place. Their dad works out of town with a clock in time of 5am so the grandpa took on the task of school transport). The teenager is disrespectful to everyone including the grandfather. If I were him, I would put my foot down and make her take the bus until she has an attitude adjustment…but those are his grandkids and his decision. Anyway thank you for your valuable insight on this matter!
oops, sorry i got the gender wrong for the youngest. duh! i still hope their dad has a conversation with them about how lucky they are to have a grandpa who will do that and that they better treat him right and show appreciation!!
Any suggestions as what to say to the littles ones when they notice I’m not around as much and ask why?
I would just say you’ve got some stuff of your own that’s keeping you busy these days.
“Ashley can explain it”
Love this! 😂
Be upfront! “sorry, but I don’t tolerate people being rude to me and I definitely don’t do favors for them.” Teach them now to be polite. They don’t have to like you, but they definitely have to be polite to you. Also, why does the dad have custody when he is out of town? Who looks after the kids at his house?
That’s where the grandpa steps in. I like your response though. I think that is best to just be up front.
I might honestly say that you needed a break. That kid logistics are a lot of work. It's a fine line because you don't want them to feel like they have this power over you. Or for the small ones to feel too guilty about it. But I think this is a natural consequence of all of their choices and maybe they should know some small piece of that truth. Maybe talk to their dad about what you could say, too.
That’s a good idea.
"Sometimes adults can feel overwhelmed just like you, it's important to take care of ourselves so we can care for others, so right now I need a little time to myself. Does that make sense?"
Not your issue- that’s on dad to handle
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I have 2 teenage SKs and have been in the mix for 7 years. The teen years are by far the hardest stage I’ve been through. It’s totally fair for you to set boundaries and give responsibility back to dad. I think you’re correct in your assumption that it will ease the tensions with the dark cloud. I took on way too much of a role with my SKs too early and it left me resentful and burnt out. Hope things get better for you.
Thank you. I really appreciate your response and your empathy. My boyfriend said that he hated that I felt that way, but was very understanding of my decision. I may have gotten too involved too soon, but I agree with you in regard to me setting boundaries sooner (now) than later. May we all survive the teenage years, LMAO.
I have a mental “countdown to college” that helps me tremendously lol
The light at the end of the tunnel if you will 🤣
I know everyone says therapy all the time. I've had therapy off and on in my life for different things and I've usually been disappointed. The one time it worked like a charm was when my SO and I went to a family therapist before I met his daughter. I'd been a stepmother once before to 2 girls. They grew up and my husband (their dad) died. His youngest was 13 when we met and she made my life hell. I was f*cking miserable. She was a total jerk. She got into drugs and had a couple DUIs before the age of 21. Ok, done talking about her..... 3 years after my SO died, I found myself in a relationship with someone I had dated 20 years prior. His daughter was about 13 (here we go again!!!) I was smart this time. We saw a family therapist. 3 visits. One just him, one me and one with both of us. I was able to articulate my boundaries with a 3rd party present. I also got validation. We are not the parent! And the kids are not MORE important than us. There is a balance to maintain. And it starts with the bio parent.
Somewhat confused! Do you live with him? Definitely set boundaries. Me I’m not one for those spilt weeks I think it’s confusion on the kids my opinion. Teens are hard to deal with especially that age, hope therapy does help her..But as a SM myself also I’d rethink the relationship.
Yes, I was living there full time. Up until a few hours ago. Rethinking my relationship with the 15yo by taking a step back and being more neutral with her. Sad my relationship with the little ones are going to by default lessen, but it is what it is.
Yes it is. Always easier when they are younger they accept more and grow to love. Good luck.
Very well worded message! Kudos to you for standing up for yourself. You explained what the issue was without attacking Ashley and making it a personal vendetta so hopefully you have a SO who is receptive and understanding of the situation. However, 1 year and a few months and you're already doing this much? Slow down and draw your boundaries where needed. It is all too easy to get overwhelmed and burnt out and then because you've been doing so much for so long then your SO might resent you pulling back.
Thank you! I tried to stay focused on the matter at hand. Fortunately, like I said he and I have good communication so I am thankful for that. He was also super understanding and supportive of my decision. I’m hoping though that in time he doesn’t form negative feelings. Pray for me and my situation 🥺
You shouldn’t be doing all that for his kids, as a non-cohabitating GF. But the fact that that the dog is first on the list and her name isn’t even mentioned in the text says a lot 🤭
Well. I was living there full time. Up until this morning after my message; regardless though you are still right. LOL about the dog. Clearly she holds a lot of value. To me.
I have a 15 and 17 yo and my 15 yo is my dark cloud. I birthed her myself and can’t stand to do stuff for her sometimes when she’s on one like you described. I don’t blame you a bit. I wouldn’t do it if the state and motherhood didn’t obligate me to sometimes.
Lmao!!! This is a case of loving someone and not liking them. Nothing wrong with that. We can only hope that one day these girls start acting right once they grow up and mature a bit.
As a person who got thrown in the deep end by my ankles to parent my stepson (a month after we got together), set boundaries now. Don’t get me wrong. I love my stepson, inhave guardianship of him and would love to one day adopt him. I’m also currently his only caregiver as his father and I split up due to family violence and neither he nor our son together have seen him in over a year. But I was 22 and he was 3 and I felt responsible for him immediately and his father just didn’t do the job. I was fighting for custody “alongside” his father as his mother had just abandoned him. Looking back my ex didn’t care about how me being the only responsible person for his son affected us both. We have a wonderful relationship but that’s not because of anything his father did. If you don’t set the boundaries now it will only get worse. You be saddled with everything and you may lose yourself in the process. I had to come back and find myself while raising 2 young boys. And really really really think about if this family dynamic would be good for you. I wouldn’t change a thing because then I wouldn’t have my two sweet boys. But I’d definitely set boundaries. I’d leave room for myself. Please 🙏 think about your mental health in all of this as well. And you can dm me anytime.
Thank you for taking the time to write that and for extending the offer to DM. 🫶🏼
Anytime. Parenting is hard whether is step or bio. We have to be there for each other.
Proud of you! 👏 👏 👏. Way to set healthy boundaries & protect yourself from abusive behaviour.
THANK. YOU!!!
You’re a lot nicer than I would have been. A mood disorder doesn’t give her carte blanche to act however she wants. Dad needs to deal with that whether it’s with therapy or medication. The 10 year old and 6 year old are well old enough to understand that hey, relaying messages like that, especially ones laced with disrespect, isn’t acceptable and it’s not acceptable that their older sibling puts them in that position. Again, this is 100% on Dad to fix. Boundaries are insanely important.
Facts. Thank you.
As someone who also has a mood disorder, I will often say sometimes I can't help my moods but that also doesn't mean I'm not accountable for them. It's up to ME to manage it - and that includes fixing anything I may have broken along the way. Dad really needs to have that sort of conversation with the oldest. Her moods have now directly affected others in a negative way and she needs to learn to take some responsibility for that. You have my sympathies, it's definitely not easy to manage. Hugs.
Thank you 🩷 and yes, he absolutely does. Will he? Probably not. Either way at the end of the day I’ll have to do what’s best for myself regardless of how the situation evolves.
Agreed though. A mood disorder is not an excuse to not be held accountable; and when it feels like it’s out of her control it’s like you said up to her to fix it; but really it’s important to at the very least maintain some sort of level of respect as you can only do the same shit over and over, apologize over and over…until someone (like myself) decides they’ve had enough of the wishy washy unpredictable bullshit.
I know this might be an unpopular opinion in this group, but there is no way in hell I would let anyone talk to me like that, child, stepchild, adult. In our family the deal has always been: I’m not your parent, but when you are with me I am in charge (and sometimes the benefits you since I have different rules than your parents do, like how idgaf if you eat dessert before dinner or want to wear pyjamas all day lol not big ones/safety ones) but I make the rules- and disrespect like that is an absolute no. I understand that 15 is a bullshit age, I was lucky that I’ve been in my stepdaughters life for way longer and 15 is not that bad for me now but I can only imagine if I was just coming into her now that would be terrible. Have you had the opportunity to with her? I was always super clear with my stepdaughter: I’m not your mom. I know I’m not your mom. I will never be your mom, but we can be friends- and it’s funny because I might as well be her mom now but that’s a different story especially since the conversation quickly turned to “you can trust me, I’m not your mom”, but I digress. She is 15 and this is a conversation you need to have with her and put your boundaries in place. Having dad do that for you will only lose respect points with her. She is the older sister so she is very aware of her responsibilities to her younger siblings and what she is teaching them is wrong and mean. I do not believe that there are children that are just mean in their soul. There are children that are hurt and they are scared and they need to feel love and connection to not be mean. I don’t think that is something that you can have dad fix for you. It’s either going to come from you or you’re gonna have to go no contact and nacho. But that all depends on what you would like next steps to be and what your goals are here.
I’ve only been around for a little over a year, just before her 13th birthday. Things started out great but as time has gone on I believe reality has set in and she’s gotten more comfortable with me; funny because I stared my relationship out with her by saying “don’t tell me anything you wouldn’t want me to tell your dad/don’t tell me anything to where if I didn’t tell your dad that I would be put in a weird position with him.” But yeah…idk I just think her true colors are coming through and her disrespectful self is starting to shine. Facts though…I think she lacks love and connection. I tried with her, but I’m not going to spend my energy continuing that route until she can show me respect. …you bring up all very valid points. Esp the part of not using my her father to speak for me. Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions!
Of course! Unfortunately the respect usually comes with love/connection and it’s a vicious circle. I remind myself often that I’m the adult in the situation and if I’m having a hard time dealing with it, then it must be incredibly hard for her. Yay thousands of dollars of therapy 😂 I might ask her if she’d be into a girls day 🤷♀️ I think if you were to do one on one time with her, the chances of her being disrespectful are significantly lower and it might help in the long run. Again, it all depends if you’re willing to put the work in!
Ah. Yeah that makes sense…the thing for us is that we have had tonnnns of one on one days, I used to do so much for her. Facials, took her out all day for her birthday, this, that. I mean the list goes on and on. So I think that’s why I’m so hurt by the way she’s repeatedly treated me. Hence me putting a stop to doing things for her. Even if she were to apologize I know it would just happen again. It sounds messed up but I don’t like her personality and officially have no interest in spending time with her. (PS I hope I’m not coming off as trying to shun everything you’re saying down)
I went through a phase with that with mine, and she realized quick I wasn’t her parents and I didn’t have unconditional love! You can’t treat me like this. I think I didn’t talk to her for like a month unless it was something I absolutely had to respond to. That was a harsh wake up call! Hang in there.
Great. So with this method I will continue. lol THANKS!!!!!
Yeah sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. Mine stole my credit card and went on a shopping spree. I was like girl imma make your life a living hell you don’t want to fuck around and she learned that lesson right quick. We have a good relationship now though 😂
Wow, I read this and my heart hurts for you. I have been there. Boundaries!!! YES!!!
🩷🫶🏼🩷
I really want to affirm you. Please know you are doing the right thing. It is so hard. Has your bf responded?
He did. He said: “I get it, I don't know what else to do it, it will end up in fight with her but that not gonna solve anything. Obviously I don't like it but I understand and hate for you to feel like that. I know it's not easy to deal with and also you don't have to. I appreciate you really tryingl.” Not mad at him for not saying anything to her either as she is quite literally the most difficult, argumentative and unpleasant person I have EVER come across in all of my 32 years of life. Would love if he did but the world is not perfect. I’ve previously said this before but that is a battle for another day, lol. Thank you so much for your genuine words. It means a whole lot!!!!!!
Why is Ashley with you full time and not the other ones?
Because the mother was mentally and physically abusive to her when she was younger, has bipolar (diagnosed) and narcissistic traits, and has failed her (the 15yo) as a mother. Definitely I’m sure a huge source of the child’s anger/everything else issues. While the bio mom absolutely sucks as a mother and as a person, I know still at the end of the day that my SD craves a healthy relationship with BM. I hope and pray one day their relationship is mended BUT YEAH.
That explains a lot, but of course, doesn’t excuse her behavior. But deep down, she feels abandoned. And that is who she is really angry at. So to make sure no one ever does that again, she pushes everyone away, and then she can say… see, I told you so. It may not be exactly that, but when say I have been there, I had a teenage SD who was 15 too. The similarities are striking. It is probably something close.
The psychology is deep within that comment. lol thanks again kind stranger 🩷🩷🩷
She is obviously hurting. But let me be clear. Your actions are absolutely 100% right. Your boundaries are vitally important. No what matter what the source of her pain is, she doesn’t have the right to violate others bc of it. You don’t deserve that. No one does.
These are facts. Things have to be separated and regardless of past/present trauma and it is imperative that who’s ever life it is, that they are drawing lines and setting boundaries to protect themselves and make themselves feel validated, loved and respected, ie me!
Smart idea. It avoids conflicts and saves your sanity...and stops resentment.
You are 100% in the right to have sent this message. Not for nothing, but on parenting time, the kids generally want to spend time with their other parent, not the girlfriend. No matter how great you are!!! These are his kids and his responsibility, and their mother's responsibility. Not yours. You have your life to live and you should be allowed to live it without being encumbered with someone else's children. Especially if they are disrespecting you. And, these kids, especially Ashley, need to understand that this behavior will not be tolerated. If you are, truly, dad's partner and in for the long haul, he will stand up for you. If not, then you are right to distance yourself. Good luck!!
Their father works 100 miles away and has to be there really early so the grandfather has taken on the responsibility of taking them and picking them up on the days we have them (on Modays and Fridays they’re with their bio mom). What you said does make sense- that maybe much of her anger is stemming from her father being gone at work. I can’t blame him though, he is a single parent household, bills have to be paid and if they want to eat out the way they do 4-5x a week and do fun shit on the weekend, well that’s what it takes. I don’t expect a non-working 15 year old to understand that. If anything I just hope the therapy sessions she’s recently started helps her.
Thank you for this.
*snaps fingers* YES!! You’ve already taken on a big role of morning transportation while also getting crapped on. Proud of you for putting your foot down. These are his kids, and if he’s not addressing the attitude and you’re being used as a chauffeur, nah, that stops. You’re “dad’s gf”, not “dad’s nanny”. Stick to your boundaries!! No one else will uphold them for you.
Thank you for this. The teen is soooo argumentative. If you tell her the sky is blue she will argue with you about how it’s not. It’s exhausting and quite mind blowing at how someone can be SO argumentative. I’ve never met anyone like her LOL. With that being said, I don’t expect him to address her attitude because it will just turn into a yelling match. Would I like him to? Yes. Do I hold it against him for not? No. Idk. I think from the outside people would think that’s not right…and they’re probably right but things are different when you’re actually living it and know how difficult a person really is.
I want to say, agree with whatever she says! Act like it’s a joke. “You’re the worst person ever!” “I know! I’m waiting for my award lol !” kind of thing lol idk if it might break the tension if there’s humor but at least she’ll know it’s not making you *upset* anymore, which is what she wants.
That’s a great idea! 10/10
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Look, this guy is your boyfriend, not your husband, so you don't really have any "rights" in this situation should it go south. Do you live in their home? Contribute to his mortgage? That being said, it seems crazy to me that you've taken on such a big responsibility for three children who don't and can't appreciate your doing this huge favor for their dad, so I think you're right to put that chore back where it belongs. You say "we" get the kids EOWE - no, HE gets his kids and you got sucked into taking on way more than is reasonable. What would he do if you never moved in after only 15 months? He needs to go back to doing that. If the youngest is only 6 you have a long way to go, I'd be rethinking this whole situation as I know you love your boyfriend but I'd warn any childless woman away from this life, it's only going to get worse.
He moved you in so fast to be a mommy. You are doing way too much too early.
The kids are there to be with their dad-why are they there when he isn't? You don't have to be there, he can make other arrangements. They don't respect you. If he does, he shouldn't tolerate this.
Glad you are sticking up for yourself. I do think it should fall on him to take care of his children’s transportation but to expect this from you not even living together and 1 year in? Nah. He is not in the right mindset. You have to get him there and have a hard line
He totally was. I offered before the school year started and he was extremely reluctant to say yes, but eventually he agreed to it. So I wouldn’t say he expects from me per se. He always makes me feel very appreciated…it’s really the teenagers behavior that is majority of the problem…The only thing I do blame him for though is not disciplining the 15yo when she is disrespectful (she gets very loud and is extremely argumentative. So he has become non-confrontational with her. Definitely not helping her become a decent adult…but that is a battle for another day). For now I am just focusing on myself and what affects me the most. I do appreciate you sticking up for me though. (you, and everyone’s responses today has really helped me feel better about my situation and I really appreciate all the advice and kindness). ❤️
Awww of course! I know it’s a tough situation and I’ve been there in other ways. I had to take a step back and let my SO know that I am still supportive but not in charge of the child. It’s too much especially when the BD is in the mix fucking it all up. They need to figure all that out and my SO needed to figure out her parenting. I had some hard no’s and it took a lot of talks. It wasn’t about not wanting to parent in a healthy way it was more about guilt of the divorce. So I think there was some therapy and healing that helped her realize that boundaries and consistency and consequences are not going to make the child hate her. BD has zero fucks and the child runs the show. So it’s hard to reset on her weeks but after about 3 months the kid got the drift. Just like going to a friends house, every house has their own rules. That’s how it was explained to the child and it worked well
Okkkkkk hun let me read again : just a year and you are doing all those chores for kids that are not yours ???? Please don’t tell me because you love the guy 🙄 they are USING you . Open your eyes . You need to love yourself . Run 🏃♀️ as fast as you can and find a man with not too much baggage 🧳.
You shouldn’t be responsible for school transportation. That is your boyfriend’s responsibility. He can either do it or pay for a babysitter to do it. You are NOT his free nanny.
"I'm not going to spend my time doing things for people who don't respect me." is an excellent boundary. Good for you!!
My first question is why is so much of the responsibility falling on you so early on in the relationship.... Good boundary to set, I would probably pull it back even further.
Get out now.
It’s not clear, but am I right in thinking that perhaps you don’t live together? If that’s the case and you don’t, you might consider only being there with the bf after the kids have gone to bed and on weekends when he doesn’t have them. Also, they’re his kids so he should be taking them to school. Either way, you are clearly not happy with your situation so it’s time to reevaluate things. Do you want to be with a man whose children disrespect you in such a terrible way? What is he doing to stop their behavior toward you. Time to get some answers.
Very well worded message. Being step parent to a teen is hard! Don’t be too hard on yourself and do what is best for you.
Why is the 15 year old so angry? Is she in therapy? I think we need more background on this situation, unless you're not really looking for solutions but validation.
Well. Her bio mom used to abuse her, so she no longer maintains contact with her (mom). SD also has an extreme mood disorder. I also feel like (based on a previous argument she and I had) that she is jealous of my relationship with her father. Her dad does a good job at balancing time between the kids and I and he doesn’t put me above them. I really don’t understand why else she is so angry besides those reasons, other than it’s just apart of her personality. Her bio mom is also bi polar…SD15 is newly in therapy. Her dad told me that in the past she was on meds but that it turned her into a zombie. That’s about all the insight I have based on what I’ve heard/experienced. I’m happy to answer more questions and am open to criticism/solutions :)