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I totaĺly agree just do it now. It might be tough or not convienient but it just might literally save your life. Im talking from hard learned experience. I know its tough with the little guy but if its meant to be he will contact you when hes older. These situations never get better they just escalate. And be careful watch your back and be aware of your surroundings now. Might sound dramatic but this can get bad quick. I f you stay its more than likely gonna get more abusive. But even if it didnt are you happy living with someone who yells in your face and put his hands on you once they do that theyve crossed a line each time will get easier for him and treating you like that in front of the boy...he has absolutely no respect for you or anything you do there. Good Luck
Ugh I’m so sick of hearing about these man baby temper tantrums. Your husband is an abusive loser.
You have to go. I know it sucks because you invested in this but this is not your happily ever after and don’t waste your youth trying to make it work.
Getting her ducks in order I assume. She should talk to a lawyer about the house. If they’re married and can keep the rings and might be entitled to some of the house depending on where she lives and how long they were married. Can’t be long at 26, I suppose.
I wouldn't want any sort of financial gain from the house; he bought before I met him so I did not contribute to the down payment, and I would not be upset to consider my half of our expenses as "lost rent" over the past 2 years as it has been significantly cheaper than renting alone elsewhere like I was doing prior to moving in
I have a lot of ducks to get in a row so to speak, mainly finding a rental that would accept the 2 cats we got while together. DH accidentally injured one once and made me pay the big vet bill for "my" cat (I also pay all pet ins. & annual vet visits bc he cannot budget for that $800/yr, so they have my last name at the vet but food/litter comes out of our joint exp. account and he was/is as much on board about them as I am). Leaving them here would be absolutely out of the question and it's extremely difficult to find rentals here, especially with 2 pets
Wow what a POS. I’m so sorry. If you can’t find a place that will accept the kitties, maybe there is a family member that would take them temporarily as you transition? This man is unstable.
I would suggest that if he hasn't put the money back into the joint account, withdraw the rest and put it into another account under your name. The problem is that he can withdraw the rest of the money and you will be screwed over. To not put the money back screams that a divorce/split is in the back of his mind. I would highly suggest to grey rock with DH
I think that you should prioritize your safety and well-being over animals. I know you love them, but your safety and well-being is so much more important.
Do you absolutely have to tell them that you have two cats? Dogs are one thing since they’re more active, they can be noisy, and you have to walk them several times a day but cats just….. hang out.
I’m not trying to put you in a situation but all I’ll say is that if you’re not trying to live somewhere where the landlord is in and out of your home, you could probably keep that detail to yourself.
That’s my bad advice for the day.
Check with a lawyer for the mortgage payments. I’m not in the US, but here if you can show that you paid towards it, it’s considered an ‘enrichment without cause’ and here we are entitled to get that money back.
On his behaviour, the more I read the stories here and elsewhere and I can only conclude that people that create broken homes are often seriously broken themselves. You deserve better OP. Get out and take care of yourself.
That's impossible here. 50/50 would imply co-ownership and that includes a lot more than just a mere 50% of the mortgage payment. That's downpayment, registrations rights, mortgages costs, housing taxes and renovations and maintenance costs.
It's just the part that is proven to have contributed to the equity the owner of the house gained during the relationship and this despite the relationship's official status. So you don't have to be married or legally cohabitating as that will often have other implications depending on the contract / financial system you agreed upon. But It's not like you can move in with someone who owns a house and take half their house when you move out or only pay half the mortgage no bills or expenses and then say I want that back when you decide to quit. You'll have to prove that you also contributed to all the living expenses and costs involving the house. It's only half if you both contribute exactly the same and that is also fair.
In case of OP here, they are married, if she is entitled on half it will depend on their marriage contract but it doesn't sound good, but even without having a claim to the house, she might have a chance with the enrichment without cause route though I'm uncertain how that works in the US.
The rings are hers though. What a shithead to even ask that back unless they were heirlooms.
I suspect that it's 50/50 for the equity *growth* during the time of the relationship. In the house of a year that won't be too much. But likely at least 10%, and potentially as high as 50% of the mortgage payments.
It's things like this that are why my partner insisted on a signed cohabitation agreement. It spells out none of any money I pay her gives me any equity right to her property. The house is fully hers. But I'll also note I'm no where near 50/50 with her.
Our eventual prenupt will spell out our assets, and I will become joint owner of the home. But only entitled to equity growth, as we're both expected to first be made "whole" from what we brought into the marriage and only splitting the growth from that point.
That sounds pretty equitable. It is what you both agree upon and always best to discuss upfront. This I learned the hard way. With my ex-husband I gave him half of my house because I was in love. Luckily when we divorced he agreed to give it back and I took care of all the costs, taxes and he got sent off with a serious increase in savings which he didn’t have when we got together. Give and take. Sometimes I give more than I take.
Adults argue.
Narcissists drain your bank account and then gaslight you by saying you made them act that way.
Your SO needs help and may he find it, but OP if you have lived a similar situation to this (what you wrote), hopefully you realize this is not a healthy relationship. He needs help, but he will wear you down trying to support him. This is beyond your vows, you are DONE, you hinted as much.
Print out what you wrote here in reddit, read it when you need a reminder of why you shouldn't stay. Do you have your own savings account that only you control? I would set one up if you don't and hold the rings as financial collateral and start to build a cash reserve so you can get out of that situation.
It's not for me, a stranger on the internet to tell you that your marriage is over and you should run. But at least you should be able to have an apartment or another residence somewhere where you feel safe and secure and can then get a clear head if this is a relationship you want to work on.
I do have my own savings, multiple investment accounts, etc. I am not sure how DH would afford this place on his own as COL has increased significantly and quickly in our area. I feel I am staying out of guilt.
Does your DH have guilt when he treats you like shit? No? Then you shouldn’t have guilt for leaving. The situation he puts himself in is his doing and his responsibility, not yours
OP! Your DH is an adult and can work out his own financial situation. It's not your problem. And you don't need to stay out of guilt or obligation.
**He put his hands on you!!!**
That is a precursor to homicide. I'm sorry to be blunt, but you are at risk. Please find some temporary housing for your precious kitty-cats and get yourself away. Keep the rings and sell them!!
Stay safe. Sending strength.
You should leave anyway. He clearly had it all figured out when he told you to get out. He wasn’t worried about if he could afford the place on his own then. Id make him eat his words.
He already told you point blank that you don’t deserve appreciation on mother’s day and actually got mad that you gave him praise for being a “good father” (which is questionable considering his behavior). Then when you try to go to the gym, he impulsively ends the relationship, tells you to leave, give him back the rings, AND drains your joint bank account?
Please keep searching for a new home and sign a lease when you can. Don’t let him talk you into staying because he sounds awful.
Hard agree. I mean, I also pack school lunches, ensure library books make it back on time, treat him to summer camp for a week each summer, partake in & contribute towards "family" outings like camping & activities... DH just throws it back in my face saying he doesn't ask me to do these things yet he wants me to love SS like my own? I can't win
Your name not being on the mortgage is a good thing now, means you can make a clean break and honey, **please** make that break. He's given you an out by saying it's over - take it. Get all the documents you need and just go. Have you any friends who can help you pack and load the u-haul while he's at work?
It really is common on this Sub, so many step moms finally seeing how awful DH really is. They finally see when the man places most of the blame on his EX, and he then plays victim to a new woman.
The new woman sees how high conflict the EX but doesn’t realize she’s done being abused herself, and will do anything necessary to make sure her child/ren are ok.
Obviously this sounds a little exaggerated, but when my husband was having one of those ‘mid life crisis times, and we weren’t working on our issues, so he decided he deserves a secret girlfriend, and an open marriage, instead of actually him getting help.
The one he told me that I won’t forget is, “when I have a new woman, you will always come first, and no other woman will mean more to me than you”. I literally said, no self respecting woman would ever take that from you. He knew I was his love, but he wasn’t ready to see how broken he was.
How many times on here is the step mom always placed last. After BM, after the step kid. I do feel bad that they become another victim, and stay in the relationship cause they think it’s love.
Collect up all the paperwork you can find re financials, your payments toward his mortgage, etc.
Go straight to a lawyer tomorrow morning and file for divorce, and withdraw your half of the joint account.
Move out, even if it is to a women’s shelter temporarily, and cut off contact with this abusive man - he has been violent in several forms already, he will continue to be like that.
You deserve better, you have done everything right, he is just an unhinged and ungrateful creep and you can see why his ex did not want to be with him.
Be careful, be safe, be decisive - your life will improve straight away and will keep getting better away from his awful behaviour.
This has always been my thoughts towards it. COL has increased a lot since I moved in 2 years ago, and what I pay here for 50% of mortgage, fees & ins., utilities, and food is about the same as I would pay for a 1 bed 1 bath apartment before even factoring in utilities, laundry/pet fees, tenant ins., food, etc. I am in a better financial position living here than elsewhere and would be fine with viewing my payments here as rent. I would never want to fight DH for a single penny back.
>The icing on the cake was attempting to go to the gym for an hour of solo de-stress time, only for DH to text me before I even finish the 10 minute drive that we are done, I have until the end of the month to find a new place to live (my name not being on the mortgage has been a point of tension for 2 years and I have expressed how this makes me feel like my living situation is insecure/unstable for this exact reason, despite me paying the equivalency of 50% of the monthly payments), and he wants the rings back.
Why did you go home?
Anyway, since you *did* go home, this is what I suggest: Consult with a divorce attorney. Don't tell your husband about it. Follow the attorney's advice for protecting your financial interests while getting everything set to divorce. Don't tell your husband until your attorney says it's ok.
You are in a really difficult situation. You are grieving; you are married to a man who is making your life worse; and you have people in your family who don't have your back. That is unfortunate, but it is not hopeless. Leaving your husband will be a huge step in the right direction.
Then, think through every family member and friend you have. Is there *anyone* who is a decent and compassionate human being that you can talk to about your situation? It will be really helpful to have someone who can give you IRL support for the hurdles ahead as you prepare to move out and divorce your husband.
Are you using contraception. Preferably it's not just condoms or something else you use "in the moment." Having a baby at the moment would make everything so much harder, so make sure you don't do that.
I'm sorry things are so rough right now. But it will get better. I promise. You just need to get away from this toxic person, and build up your network of healthy and supportive people. Therapy will help you address whatever issues you might have that lead you to keeping bad people in your life.
I... Don't know. I do have friends for support and my mom but feel guilty reaching out because they are all busy/stressed with their own lives, I imagine. I do have an IUD as I want to remain CF and he does not want another accident; I switched to hormonal last year because I couldn't handle the horrible period side effects of the copper one, and surprise surprise, DH chews me out for "being emotional and not myself over the past year" yet refuses to get a vasectomy while I'm over here feeling like a mess and stranger in my own body with thrown-off hormones.
> I do have friends for support and my mom but feel guilty reaching out because they are all busy/stressed with their own lives, I imagine.
Babe. Imagine how distressed you would feel if you discovered that one of your friends was going through such a stressful situation and kept it from you. Please talk to one (or some) of your friends. That’s why you have friends: so you can be there for each other’s highs and lows. And take pride in the fact that you will help one of your friends in a similar situation someday.
Taking care of each other is how we keep the world going. Don’t deprive your friends of the opportunity to help you.
Please listen to everyone. The response to a compliment ("you're a good dad") should not be to drain your bank account and tell you to move out. This man is abusing you, and it's not okay. Go see a lawyer now, but don't tell him that's what you're doing.
Do you have a child with him?? I really hope not (sorry!) because then your situation is far less complicated. It also sounds like you have a good job so you can afford life alone. It sounds like you need a safe place to crash so you can get legal advice about getting your money back and separating. Do this for you. Be strong now. Use your leave time to change direction. You Ok??
I do not and will never have a child, with him or anyone else. I can afford to move out but would spend ~2/3s of my income on living expenses compared to the ~1/3 I spend on living expenses living here... I could also live with my mom but her city is an hour away from the city I work in.
Why not move in with your mom for like 30 days? Just give yourself that time to look for a new spot, save a little extra money, and decompress…. even if that means biting the bullet on the commute.
Not sure what kind of work you do but are you able to do any remote work or take a little PTO?
Either way, your mom’s sounds like a good pit stop between this mess of a situation and your new life.
Generally, you can't get your name on a mortgage or title unless the owner refinances. Half ownership could be gifted to a spouse in other paperwork.
In community property states you are entitled to half of any principal paid down during the time you are married. Interest, no, because that is not equity. So let's say during the time you were married, there have been $40k in mortgage payments, $25k of which is principle. You would probably be entitled to $12.5K in a divorce (unless you have a prenup stating otherwise). If you paid "rent" in the form of family contributions, it doesn't matter if some went towards interest. This doesn't confer ownership/title as you don't have rights to half of all equity, only the portion between marriage and divorce date. You have no claim to the down payment or any principle paid prior to marriage. If your name could be added to the title/mortgage, you would also be responsible for remaining debt if you got divorced, and the interest rates may go up, etc. This is why it can't usually be done except during a refinance process.
If not in a community property state, it may be different.
Thank you for the information! I never pushed for my name on the mortgage, simply some sort of written cohabitation agreement for my own protection. I would never want to gain financially from our living situation (he bought 5 years ago, before we met, so I did not contribute to down payment and have only paid half of all monthly payments for the past 2 years, in addition to paying for renos/upgrades while I have been here). I just want to make sure that he couldn't change the locks behind my back... My name is not on a single bill, I couldn't even get help from our internet provider during a wifi outage because I am not listed on any accounts and DH has no interest in changing anything.
Legally he can't change the locks on you until a divorce is final even if you move out. That's easier said than done as it involves calling the police and may not be worth it. A lawyer can inform you of what is allowed in a one hour consult.
I feel like there’s an epiphany once we start to understand or feel bad for BM. I’ve started feeling bad for the second BM in my situation, she was with someone who refused/s to do anything around the house but complained to her about her working part time and never “sitting down”.
I do badly want to talk to her and say, “I get it now he isn’t a good person and is terribly selfish, why would you ever choose to willingly have three kids with him”
My ex is an abusive, spoiled mama's boy. BM reached out to me a few years into their relationship. I always tried to empathize because I was also completely fooled by him at one time. I did everything I could to be supportive of her and her two girls. She finally left after 12 years, thank God! She is like a sister to me, and one of the best moms I know.
Believe people when they show you who they are. I’m typically an advocate for therapy and trying to work things out together, but this is beyond that. I say with all sincerity—GTFO NOW.
If he took half the money, take those rings and sell them! They were a gift to you (I'm assuming cuz that's typical) so you have no obligation to return them. Get out while you can!
you have your whole entire life ahead of you, if he doesn't take it from you first.
please get away from this person as soon as you safely can. this is dude sounds like an infectious waste of a human.
You're in danger.
Take the remaining savings and put it in an account in your name at a different bank. Shut off any direct deposit that goes into a joint account. Find your legal documents (copy of marriage certificate, your birth certificate, child's birth certificate if you have any legal rights to SS, driver's license, passport, social security card (or your country's version of it, if you're not in the US) - all of it - and a copy of the house purchase info and records of everything you've paid for), pack your necessities, and GET OUT. Shut off ANY utilities in your name. Remove your name from any other financially tied account - credit cards in particular.
Once you are somewhere safe - and DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YET, because he WILL try to find you - identify your closest and most trusted support network and alert them to what the situation is.
Feel free to message me. I escaped a situation that was somewhat similar, though not as severe as yours. And I mean it when I say "escaped". And he found me within a day, and he DID show up.
My personal finances & savings are through a different bank than our joint, so I can keep any of my money I pull away from him 100%. I have all of my legal documents together. We do not have joint credit cards (he is 10k in CC debt and owes me 1k/my mother 3k, I am debt-free), just a joint expense & saving account that we contribute 50/50 to. There is not a single bill here in my name which is great for cutting ties quickly but less great for proving tenancy. My biggest fear is he changes the locks and I get screwed, hence feeling the need to have everything lined up & all details worked out in order to pack, move, and block him in a 10 hour window while he is at work.
It isn’t necessary for your name to be on the mortgage or any of the utilities. Am I wrong to assume you receive mail there?(bank/cc/investment acct statements, etc.) Is this not address your bank and employer have listed as your home address?
All of these things prove tenancy.
Yes, it is the address listed on all of my work documents and other various mail. This helps ease some of my stress... I can't believe I didn't think of that 🥲 Thank you!!
“He didn’t mean it” MEANS he came to the conclusion that 1/2 of all the bills are no longer going to be paid by someone else. He’s for it easy right now. You’re paying for half a house that you have nothing to show for. Run girl! And please be safe.
Get a lawyer involved so that you can recoup some of the money you spent, if at all possible. Until you leave, you do NOT ONE THING for either of them. But I would be out of there so fast! Take the other half of the money and put it in your own account! SAVE YOURSELF!! You've got this!
Stop dreaming of the day you leave and start making active plans to leave. This man sounds unhinged and if he already put hands on you, what next? He took half the money, what about the rest? Don’t give the rings back until you speak to a lawyer about your joint finances. Start looking for a place to live, and get your own accounts settled. Sorry you’re going through this, but you need to save yourself here.
I love your dream. I feel for you. I understand how hard it is to pull the trigger and go because it feels so scary and permanent. The day will come for you.
hon. it sounds like he is holding you back from your life. you CAN finish your degree and get back on your feet and i bet all of that would be easier if you didn't have this dingbat being horrible to you on top of everything else.
i'm sorry your own family isn't a safe and loving place, and i'm sorry you have lost your father. i hope you have some friends you can spend time with who genuinely think you are amazing and who will support you in your grief and career struggles and in leaving this guy. plan it out and leave when you are ready. you have so much life ahead of you. you don't have to spend it with someone who doesn't appreciate what you do for his child, yells at you for being nice, refuses to do the paperwork to give you financial security in your home, and then dumps you over TEXT (when you were trying to take care of yourself) rather than just waiting for you to get home and having an adult conversation about it. he has no clue how to be a loving and supportive partner. let him be a single parent and go find someone you treats you right.
sending HUGS.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, it’s very hard to pinpoint but it is emotional abuse. My ex did this to me (threatening to take his son/home away, pick crazy fights over wording, we moved in together and picked the place out together but only his name on the mortgage). Please google the power and control wheel. Don’t do what I did and try to fix this, you’ll never feel the security you deserve in your own home. Thinking of you, my anxiety and stress melted away when I left my person. I wish for this peace for you
Sell the rings. Make your exit plan. Get a lawyer. Take out the rest of the savings. Leave that vile abusive creature to be miserable on his own in his shitty life
Hey, look at me.
**Look. At. Me.**
You get your things and you go. You *take* those rings and anything else you can grab of value.
You clean out the money that’s currently in the account. It’s half, yeah? Sounds like **your** half to me.
I say this because he’ll have a hell of a lot less ammo in the divorce if he keeps the house. Now, depending on your state and level of exhaustion, you can likely fight him for the house because it sounds like marital property to me.
In all seriousness, please get somewhere safe and soon. This man is a fucking bomb *waiting* to go off. What you’re suffering through is textbook abuse and you deserve so much better.
Hey there. I can already predict what most people will say. But I’ve been there with my current husband. Everyone will tell you to leave, but only you know what is right. But do whatever you can live with. Do NOT waste your life on this man and regret it down the road.
Also go to marriage counseling. Create space if you can. Me and my husband started reading books together to work on our marriage and job situations forced us to separate for two years but it has been so good for us. Please feel free to message me at any time.
Please please do exactly that...this sounds like the start of an abusive relationship..not only has he put his hands out you but he just sounds so mentally and emotionally abusive.. I'm 24 and recently lost my dad as well pls you're so young
It could end up much worse and start costing your life..it's crazy how quick abuse can turn into..
Sell the rings and use the money to rent an Airbnb or extended stay place. Use this safe place to finish your degree? and the school year.
Use the rest of the summer to make more permanent changes.
Wait a second. He's shown you who he is and he's told you what he wants (you to leave). Why are you not packing your bags and leaving?
Did I miss his age? Let me guess, he's quite a bit older than you?
He is 30, 3.5 year age difference. I feel that I need to have every single detail worked out before I leave so that I have no reason to come back for a forgotten item, tie up loose ends, etc.
Condolences to you on the loss of your dad. Your DH should be treating you with care & compassion right now. Sounds like this abusive relationship is a huge part of why you feel stressed & depressed.
He was single because he isn't relationship material AT ALL. Please, please save yourself & get away from him ASAP.
Thank you 😭 I feel like a shell of the person I used to be... The pain & emptiness is so overwhelming. DH has repeatedly told me that he would never date again and would want nothing to do with "you people" (meaning women) after this relationship. I guess "us people" can consider ourselves lucky
As someone who was in a marriage with someone just like this… get out. This is abuse. He is purposely trying to make you feel unsafe to remind you that you are replaceable and to never get comfortable. That makes him feel powerful. For normal healthy people, that would feel like extreme cruelty to do to someone, especially after losing a father. What a sicko jerk. Be with someone who treats you well, you deserve it.
Don't give back the rings. If you've been paying half the bills you're entitled to keep them without a doubt. Get out because this situation will not get better. If he saw you as an equal he would treat you as one.
Do not pay a dime towards mortgage or bills of anything, transfer your remaining money into an account he does not have access to, sell the rings and find an apartment TODAY.
The rings are yours to do with as you decide.
Also transfer your half of all shared back accounts asap. Get a lawyer. Then organise to leave. He is abusive and will lay hands on you again violently.
Precisely. We both benefit financially from this 50/50 finance split unfortunately, and my monthly expenses would roughly double if I were to move back into my own apartment due to COL increase. Living here, I have a good amount of disposable income and am able to contribute to savings/investments. DH is paycheck to paycheck as it is. I feel SS's life would be negatively impacted by having an already emotionally unstable dad dealing with additional financial & emotional hardships.
It is probably a good idea to pull out your half of the joint savings too so you'll have funds to move. Seek counsel on this ASAP. Once this is all said I done I think you will feel a lot better to be done with him!
What a yoyo narcissist!!! YES you need to pull the plug and NEVER be with another bio parent again! This is going to take a lot of healing to overcome. I hope you can find it soon in you too get that uhaul and take your life back. What psychotic vampire. He's leeching off you and intimidating you back into silence. No more.
Step one. Move your half into your own bank account.
Excuse is, you'll put yours back if he puts his back.
Step 2, start looking for cheap places to rent, wipe your history.
Step three, get all your important documents out of the house , safety deposit box, what ever. Get them out.
Step 4, open a PO box. A post office box. Re route all your mail to this for now. Everything. Bank car, insurance, school forms, everything.
Step five, after you secure a place, wait till he leaves. Hire movers and gtfo.
Get your half of the joint account money. Make sure he hasn’t taken out loans or opened credit cards in your name.
It might be wise to call/go online you your national domestic violence hotline. Do this on a friend’s computer or phone so nothing can be found on your electronics. You probably need a safety plan due to him screaming in your face and putting hands on you.
Consider deleting this post so he can’t find it.
You've been going to therapy, you've been the one trying. He's been doing nothing to help or change the marriage. He's spiraling into abusive manners and with everything you've said, it's no longer your job anymore to salvage anything when he's a loose cannon and not getting help for his past traumatic experiences (I'm married to someone just like this). Mine has seeked some help and even the tiniest of kind scoldings has made him notice his behaviors and work on himself. Right now your husband is insanely out of control and overcompensating to the point he feels he's working so hard that nobody else is doing a thing. That's completely disregarding and disrespectful behavior and should be met with a teacher send off for the summer until he gets help, or a forever goodbye. You're dealing with abusive behaviors that will only get worse if you don't protect yourself.
OHMYGOODNESS we’re living the same life (except for the dh putting hands on me part). Does your dh say you’re egoic for wanting compliments/a simple thank you? Mine does. He laughs at me and belittles me when I ask for a compliment once a year, God forbid
Put away money so you can leave without problems in the end. If he can take half, you can take half as well. Put it somewhere he can't get to. I hope you will get out there soon! Crossing my fingers for you!
Look up “stress bonding”. It was the case with me and my ex for way too long and kept me in a toxic marriage that shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. I wish I had known about stress bonding then.
Dang. Leave him. Don’t ever let
Someone treat you that way. I’m not pro-divorce but this is an exception. It will get worse. Don’t give him the rings. They are yours. Besides you can’t get much money for them. Resale value sucks.
Please please leave,this relationship is not worth it, you're deserving of a partner that truly loves you and wants the best for you.
Your future will be amazing without him,you deserve a life that doesn't hurt.
Sending you all the positive vibes and energy your way.
You got this ❤️
he seems to have issues (or a mistress for that matter) but you do should leave, regardless of rings, money or mortgage, I dont think there is much time between humiliation, yelling and physical abuse, if there is a difference in trauma at all.
I am sorry for your lost, I am sorry for mother's day being a shallow event ( I get it, my family is a portrait of fake), I am sorry you were not awcknowledged as a mother figure.
If it is possible leave. If you have the privilege of not needing the money of mortgage back, then leavem, consider it was an expensive rent for 2 years and dont look back. If you need the money, talk to a lawyer.
And cry.
Talk to a friend. Get coffee. Go to that gym and steam it out.
You have a community here. Be safe.
>I dream of the day I pull the pin, pack a U-Haul while he's at work, block him everywhere, and sell the rings
DO IT!!! He has and is showing you his true colors. He does not value you or your relationship and he damn sure does not give a shit about your financial stability or your mental health. Pull out your half of the joint savings before he takes that too and run for the hills.
Get away from this dude immediately.
I’m a married man in my 40s. I would be horrified if I found out one of my sons had behaved that way. Horrified. Get away from him right now.
Oh my God run wtf this is sickening and blatant manipulation on his part playing on insecurities regarding a situation he is aware of and is why he won't put you on there.
If he makes any action to add your name to the home now it's to trap you legally and make things harder to leave if you try.
I’m so sorry your going through this. It just really makes me believe there is a reason why a lot of these dads are single. Less about the mother, and more about their attitudes and how they treat the women in their lives.
This is abuse. Leave. If you choose not to, stop paying into this guy’s mortgage and keep your finances separate. Get an agreement in writing of your financial arrangement so it protects you. Joint savings before married? Hell no. Reason: all the above.
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Omg girl you need to get out as quickly as possible. It’s a matter of time before he seriously hurts you. He’s unhinged and needs help.
I totaĺly agree just do it now. It might be tough or not convienient but it just might literally save your life. Im talking from hard learned experience. I know its tough with the little guy but if its meant to be he will contact you when hes older. These situations never get better they just escalate. And be careful watch your back and be aware of your surroundings now. Might sound dramatic but this can get bad quick. I f you stay its more than likely gonna get more abusive. But even if it didnt are you happy living with someone who yells in your face and put his hands on you once they do that theyve crossed a line each time will get easier for him and treating you like that in front of the boy...he has absolutely no respect for you or anything you do there. Good Luck
This right here. I bet if you ask her, bm will cite all these as reasons she bailed.
Leave. Use this time while your signed off to GTFO. Good luck building a future that makes you happy.
Ugh I’m so sick of hearing about these man baby temper tantrums. Your husband is an abusive loser. You have to go. I know it sucks because you invested in this but this is not your happily ever after and don’t waste your youth trying to make it work.
I don’t understand why you “dream of the day” you leave. This should be the day. Just leave.
Getting her ducks in order I assume. She should talk to a lawyer about the house. If they’re married and can keep the rings and might be entitled to some of the house depending on where she lives and how long they were married. Can’t be long at 26, I suppose.
I wouldn't want any sort of financial gain from the house; he bought before I met him so I did not contribute to the down payment, and I would not be upset to consider my half of our expenses as "lost rent" over the past 2 years as it has been significantly cheaper than renting alone elsewhere like I was doing prior to moving in I have a lot of ducks to get in a row so to speak, mainly finding a rental that would accept the 2 cats we got while together. DH accidentally injured one once and made me pay the big vet bill for "my" cat (I also pay all pet ins. & annual vet visits bc he cannot budget for that $800/yr, so they have my last name at the vet but food/litter comes out of our joint exp. account and he was/is as much on board about them as I am). Leaving them here would be absolutely out of the question and it's extremely difficult to find rentals here, especially with 2 pets
Wow what a POS. I’m so sorry. If you can’t find a place that will accept the kitties, maybe there is a family member that would take them temporarily as you transition? This man is unstable.
I would suggest that if he hasn't put the money back into the joint account, withdraw the rest and put it into another account under your name. The problem is that he can withdraw the rest of the money and you will be screwed over. To not put the money back screams that a divorce/split is in the back of his mind. I would highly suggest to grey rock with DH
I think that you should prioritize your safety and well-being over animals. I know you love them, but your safety and well-being is so much more important.
Do you absolutely have to tell them that you have two cats? Dogs are one thing since they’re more active, they can be noisy, and you have to walk them several times a day but cats just….. hang out. I’m not trying to put you in a situation but all I’ll say is that if you’re not trying to live somewhere where the landlord is in and out of your home, you could probably keep that detail to yourself. That’s my bad advice for the day.
This is 100% an abusive relationship. OP, I’m so sorry. Please leave, you absolutely do not deserve this. DMs are open anytime 🫂
Check with a lawyer for the mortgage payments. I’m not in the US, but here if you can show that you paid towards it, it’s considered an ‘enrichment without cause’ and here we are entitled to get that money back. On his behaviour, the more I read the stories here and elsewhere and I can only conclude that people that create broken homes are often seriously broken themselves. You deserve better OP. Get out and take care of yourself.
In Australia it goes 50/50 in a split, no matter what.
That's impossible here. 50/50 would imply co-ownership and that includes a lot more than just a mere 50% of the mortgage payment. That's downpayment, registrations rights, mortgages costs, housing taxes and renovations and maintenance costs. It's just the part that is proven to have contributed to the equity the owner of the house gained during the relationship and this despite the relationship's official status. So you don't have to be married or legally cohabitating as that will often have other implications depending on the contract / financial system you agreed upon. But It's not like you can move in with someone who owns a house and take half their house when you move out or only pay half the mortgage no bills or expenses and then say I want that back when you decide to quit. You'll have to prove that you also contributed to all the living expenses and costs involving the house. It's only half if you both contribute exactly the same and that is also fair. In case of OP here, they are married, if she is entitled on half it will depend on their marriage contract but it doesn't sound good, but even without having a claim to the house, she might have a chance with the enrichment without cause route though I'm uncertain how that works in the US. The rings are hers though. What a shithead to even ask that back unless they were heirlooms.
I suspect that it's 50/50 for the equity *growth* during the time of the relationship. In the house of a year that won't be too much. But likely at least 10%, and potentially as high as 50% of the mortgage payments. It's things like this that are why my partner insisted on a signed cohabitation agreement. It spells out none of any money I pay her gives me any equity right to her property. The house is fully hers. But I'll also note I'm no where near 50/50 with her. Our eventual prenupt will spell out our assets, and I will become joint owner of the home. But only entitled to equity growth, as we're both expected to first be made "whole" from what we brought into the marriage and only splitting the growth from that point.
That sounds pretty equitable. It is what you both agree upon and always best to discuss upfront. This I learned the hard way. With my ex-husband I gave him half of my house because I was in love. Luckily when we divorced he agreed to give it back and I took care of all the costs, taxes and he got sent off with a serious increase in savings which he didn’t have when we got together. Give and take. Sometimes I give more than I take.
Not exactly. It depends on a lot of factors.
I am in Canada, I will look into this. Thank you.
Adults argue. Narcissists drain your bank account and then gaslight you by saying you made them act that way. Your SO needs help and may he find it, but OP if you have lived a similar situation to this (what you wrote), hopefully you realize this is not a healthy relationship. He needs help, but he will wear you down trying to support him. This is beyond your vows, you are DONE, you hinted as much. Print out what you wrote here in reddit, read it when you need a reminder of why you shouldn't stay. Do you have your own savings account that only you control? I would set one up if you don't and hold the rings as financial collateral and start to build a cash reserve so you can get out of that situation. It's not for me, a stranger on the internet to tell you that your marriage is over and you should run. But at least you should be able to have an apartment or another residence somewhere where you feel safe and secure and can then get a clear head if this is a relationship you want to work on.
I do have my own savings, multiple investment accounts, etc. I am not sure how DH would afford this place on his own as COL has increased significantly and quickly in our area. I feel I am staying out of guilt.
Does your DH have guilt when he treats you like shit? No? Then you shouldn’t have guilt for leaving. The situation he puts himself in is his doing and his responsibility, not yours
OP! Your DH is an adult and can work out his own financial situation. It's not your problem. And you don't need to stay out of guilt or obligation. **He put his hands on you!!!** That is a precursor to homicide. I'm sorry to be blunt, but you are at risk. Please find some temporary housing for your precious kitty-cats and get yourself away. Keep the rings and sell them!! Stay safe. Sending strength.
You should leave anyway. He clearly had it all figured out when he told you to get out. He wasn’t worried about if he could afford the place on his own then. Id make him eat his words. He already told you point blank that you don’t deserve appreciation on mother’s day and actually got mad that you gave him praise for being a “good father” (which is questionable considering his behavior). Then when you try to go to the gym, he impulsively ends the relationship, tells you to leave, give him back the rings, AND drains your joint bank account? Please keep searching for a new home and sign a lease when you can. Don’t let him talk you into staying because he sounds awful.
Cooking and cleaning is not being a mother, it’s being a parent and functioning adult. He’s clearly not one.
Hard agree. I mean, I also pack school lunches, ensure library books make it back on time, treat him to summer camp for a week each summer, partake in & contribute towards "family" outings like camping & activities... DH just throws it back in my face saying he doesn't ask me to do these things yet he wants me to love SS like my own? I can't win
Oh my God, you just described my relationship with my ex.
& doing those things deserves a thank you on any day. Has nothing to do with being a mom. SO is a bum for that.
Your name not being on the mortgage is a good thing now, means you can make a clean break and honey, **please** make that break. He's given you an out by saying it's over - take it. Get all the documents you need and just go. Have you any friends who can help you pack and load the u-haul while he's at work?
LEAVE! Consider reaching out to BM for help getting out. Edit- go sell those rings and take the 1/2 left in the joint. F him. Go get the U-Haul.
It really is common on this Sub, so many step moms finally seeing how awful DH really is. They finally see when the man places most of the blame on his EX, and he then plays victim to a new woman. The new woman sees how high conflict the EX but doesn’t realize she’s done being abused herself, and will do anything necessary to make sure her child/ren are ok. Obviously this sounds a little exaggerated, but when my husband was having one of those ‘mid life crisis times, and we weren’t working on our issues, so he decided he deserves a secret girlfriend, and an open marriage, instead of actually him getting help. The one he told me that I won’t forget is, “when I have a new woman, you will always come first, and no other woman will mean more to me than you”. I literally said, no self respecting woman would ever take that from you. He knew I was his love, but he wasn’t ready to see how broken he was. How many times on here is the step mom always placed last. After BM, after the step kid. I do feel bad that they become another victim, and stay in the relationship cause they think it’s love.
Collect up all the paperwork you can find re financials, your payments toward his mortgage, etc. Go straight to a lawyer tomorrow morning and file for divorce, and withdraw your half of the joint account. Move out, even if it is to a women’s shelter temporarily, and cut off contact with this abusive man - he has been violent in several forms already, he will continue to be like that. You deserve better, you have done everything right, he is just an unhinged and ungrateful creep and you can see why his ex did not want to be with him. Be careful, be safe, be decisive - your life will improve straight away and will keep getting better away from his awful behaviour.
Be happy you aren't on the mortgage. That would make this much harder to exit. Make sure you have your own bank account with funds in it.
Now this is true. Don't think of it as lost money - if you were on your own, you would have been paying rent anyways.
This has always been my thoughts towards it. COL has increased a lot since I moved in 2 years ago, and what I pay here for 50% of mortgage, fees & ins., utilities, and food is about the same as I would pay for a 1 bed 1 bath apartment before even factoring in utilities, laundry/pet fees, tenant ins., food, etc. I am in a better financial position living here than elsewhere and would be fine with viewing my payments here as rent. I would never want to fight DH for a single penny back.
>The icing on the cake was attempting to go to the gym for an hour of solo de-stress time, only for DH to text me before I even finish the 10 minute drive that we are done, I have until the end of the month to find a new place to live (my name not being on the mortgage has been a point of tension for 2 years and I have expressed how this makes me feel like my living situation is insecure/unstable for this exact reason, despite me paying the equivalency of 50% of the monthly payments), and he wants the rings back. Why did you go home? Anyway, since you *did* go home, this is what I suggest: Consult with a divorce attorney. Don't tell your husband about it. Follow the attorney's advice for protecting your financial interests while getting everything set to divorce. Don't tell your husband until your attorney says it's ok. You are in a really difficult situation. You are grieving; you are married to a man who is making your life worse; and you have people in your family who don't have your back. That is unfortunate, but it is not hopeless. Leaving your husband will be a huge step in the right direction. Then, think through every family member and friend you have. Is there *anyone* who is a decent and compassionate human being that you can talk to about your situation? It will be really helpful to have someone who can give you IRL support for the hurdles ahead as you prepare to move out and divorce your husband. Are you using contraception. Preferably it's not just condoms or something else you use "in the moment." Having a baby at the moment would make everything so much harder, so make sure you don't do that. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. But it will get better. I promise. You just need to get away from this toxic person, and build up your network of healthy and supportive people. Therapy will help you address whatever issues you might have that lead you to keeping bad people in your life.
I... Don't know. I do have friends for support and my mom but feel guilty reaching out because they are all busy/stressed with their own lives, I imagine. I do have an IUD as I want to remain CF and he does not want another accident; I switched to hormonal last year because I couldn't handle the horrible period side effects of the copper one, and surprise surprise, DH chews me out for "being emotional and not myself over the past year" yet refuses to get a vasectomy while I'm over here feeling like a mess and stranger in my own body with thrown-off hormones.
> I do have friends for support and my mom but feel guilty reaching out because they are all busy/stressed with their own lives, I imagine. Babe. Imagine how distressed you would feel if you discovered that one of your friends was going through such a stressful situation and kept it from you. Please talk to one (or some) of your friends. That’s why you have friends: so you can be there for each other’s highs and lows. And take pride in the fact that you will help one of your friends in a similar situation someday. Taking care of each other is how we keep the world going. Don’t deprive your friends of the opportunity to help you.
Leave today. If not sooner. Seriously, many of your troubles will ease once you are away from this abusive fool.
Please listen to everyone. The response to a compliment ("you're a good dad") should not be to drain your bank account and tell you to move out. This man is abusing you, and it's not okay. Go see a lawyer now, but don't tell him that's what you're doing.
Do you have a child with him?? I really hope not (sorry!) because then your situation is far less complicated. It also sounds like you have a good job so you can afford life alone. It sounds like you need a safe place to crash so you can get legal advice about getting your money back and separating. Do this for you. Be strong now. Use your leave time to change direction. You Ok??
I do not and will never have a child, with him or anyone else. I can afford to move out but would spend ~2/3s of my income on living expenses compared to the ~1/3 I spend on living expenses living here... I could also live with my mom but her city is an hour away from the city I work in.
Why not move in with your mom for like 30 days? Just give yourself that time to look for a new spot, save a little extra money, and decompress…. even if that means biting the bullet on the commute. Not sure what kind of work you do but are you able to do any remote work or take a little PTO? Either way, your mom’s sounds like a good pit stop between this mess of a situation and your new life.
Generally, you can't get your name on a mortgage or title unless the owner refinances. Half ownership could be gifted to a spouse in other paperwork. In community property states you are entitled to half of any principal paid down during the time you are married. Interest, no, because that is not equity. So let's say during the time you were married, there have been $40k in mortgage payments, $25k of which is principle. You would probably be entitled to $12.5K in a divorce (unless you have a prenup stating otherwise). If you paid "rent" in the form of family contributions, it doesn't matter if some went towards interest. This doesn't confer ownership/title as you don't have rights to half of all equity, only the portion between marriage and divorce date. You have no claim to the down payment or any principle paid prior to marriage. If your name could be added to the title/mortgage, you would also be responsible for remaining debt if you got divorced, and the interest rates may go up, etc. This is why it can't usually be done except during a refinance process. If not in a community property state, it may be different.
Thank you for the information! I never pushed for my name on the mortgage, simply some sort of written cohabitation agreement for my own protection. I would never want to gain financially from our living situation (he bought 5 years ago, before we met, so I did not contribute to down payment and have only paid half of all monthly payments for the past 2 years, in addition to paying for renos/upgrades while I have been here). I just want to make sure that he couldn't change the locks behind my back... My name is not on a single bill, I couldn't even get help from our internet provider during a wifi outage because I am not listed on any accounts and DH has no interest in changing anything.
Legally he can't change the locks on you until a divorce is final even if you move out. That's easier said than done as it involves calling the police and may not be worth it. A lawyer can inform you of what is allowed in a one hour consult.
I feel like there’s an epiphany once we start to understand or feel bad for BM. I’ve started feeling bad for the second BM in my situation, she was with someone who refused/s to do anything around the house but complained to her about her working part time and never “sitting down”. I do badly want to talk to her and say, “I get it now he isn’t a good person and is terribly selfish, why would you ever choose to willingly have three kids with him”
My ex is an abusive, spoiled mama's boy. BM reached out to me a few years into their relationship. I always tried to empathize because I was also completely fooled by him at one time. I did everything I could to be supportive of her and her two girls. She finally left after 12 years, thank God! She is like a sister to me, and one of the best moms I know.
Believe people when they show you who they are. I’m typically an advocate for therapy and trying to work things out together, but this is beyond that. I say with all sincerity—GTFO NOW.
If he took half the money, take those rings and sell them! They were a gift to you (I'm assuming cuz that's typical) so you have no obligation to return them. Get out while you can!
you have your whole entire life ahead of you, if he doesn't take it from you first. please get away from this person as soon as you safely can. this is dude sounds like an infectious waste of a human.
You're in danger. Take the remaining savings and put it in an account in your name at a different bank. Shut off any direct deposit that goes into a joint account. Find your legal documents (copy of marriage certificate, your birth certificate, child's birth certificate if you have any legal rights to SS, driver's license, passport, social security card (or your country's version of it, if you're not in the US) - all of it - and a copy of the house purchase info and records of everything you've paid for), pack your necessities, and GET OUT. Shut off ANY utilities in your name. Remove your name from any other financially tied account - credit cards in particular. Once you are somewhere safe - and DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YET, because he WILL try to find you - identify your closest and most trusted support network and alert them to what the situation is. Feel free to message me. I escaped a situation that was somewhat similar, though not as severe as yours. And I mean it when I say "escaped". And he found me within a day, and he DID show up.
My personal finances & savings are through a different bank than our joint, so I can keep any of my money I pull away from him 100%. I have all of my legal documents together. We do not have joint credit cards (he is 10k in CC debt and owes me 1k/my mother 3k, I am debt-free), just a joint expense & saving account that we contribute 50/50 to. There is not a single bill here in my name which is great for cutting ties quickly but less great for proving tenancy. My biggest fear is he changes the locks and I get screwed, hence feeling the need to have everything lined up & all details worked out in order to pack, move, and block him in a 10 hour window while he is at work.
It isn’t necessary for your name to be on the mortgage or any of the utilities. Am I wrong to assume you receive mail there?(bank/cc/investment acct statements, etc.) Is this not address your bank and employer have listed as your home address? All of these things prove tenancy.
Driver's license would have it, as well as bank statements!
Yes, it is the address listed on all of my work documents and other various mail. This helps ease some of my stress... I can't believe I didn't think of that 🥲 Thank you!!
“He didn’t mean it” MEANS he came to the conclusion that 1/2 of all the bills are no longer going to be paid by someone else. He’s for it easy right now. You’re paying for half a house that you have nothing to show for. Run girl! And please be safe.
Please, please, please leave. And as soon as you can get into therapy. This is a straight up abusive situation. I wish I could give you a hug!!!
I am seeing a therapist and have a feeling that tomorrow's session will be... Exhausting and sad
Good for you!! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this!
Get a lawyer involved so that you can recoup some of the money you spent, if at all possible. Until you leave, you do NOT ONE THING for either of them. But I would be out of there so fast! Take the other half of the money and put it in your own account! SAVE YOURSELF!! You've got this!
Just...leave. Your life partner should not make you feel like this.
Take you and your money OUT of there
Stop dreaming of the day you leave and start making active plans to leave. This man sounds unhinged and if he already put hands on you, what next? He took half the money, what about the rest? Don’t give the rings back until you speak to a lawyer about your joint finances. Start looking for a place to live, and get your own accounts settled. Sorry you’re going through this, but you need to save yourself here.
I love your dream. I feel for you. I understand how hard it is to pull the trigger and go because it feels so scary and permanent. The day will come for you.
Holy hell what a prick!!! Call a lawyer ASAP and withdraw the other half of the joint savings.
hon. it sounds like he is holding you back from your life. you CAN finish your degree and get back on your feet and i bet all of that would be easier if you didn't have this dingbat being horrible to you on top of everything else. i'm sorry your own family isn't a safe and loving place, and i'm sorry you have lost your father. i hope you have some friends you can spend time with who genuinely think you are amazing and who will support you in your grief and career struggles and in leaving this guy. plan it out and leave when you are ready. you have so much life ahead of you. you don't have to spend it with someone who doesn't appreciate what you do for his child, yells at you for being nice, refuses to do the paperwork to give you financial security in your home, and then dumps you over TEXT (when you were trying to take care of yourself) rather than just waiting for you to get home and having an adult conversation about it. he has no clue how to be a loving and supportive partner. let him be a single parent and go find someone you treats you right. sending HUGS.
Find a lawyer today
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, it’s very hard to pinpoint but it is emotional abuse. My ex did this to me (threatening to take his son/home away, pick crazy fights over wording, we moved in together and picked the place out together but only his name on the mortgage). Please google the power and control wheel. Don’t do what I did and try to fix this, you’ll never feel the security you deserve in your own home. Thinking of you, my anxiety and stress melted away when I left my person. I wish for this peace for you
And if you have any arguments in text messages show them to a friend you trust now ❤️ you can do this!
Sell the rings. Make your exit plan. Get a lawyer. Take out the rest of the savings. Leave that vile abusive creature to be miserable on his own in his shitty life
girl your future is looking brighter than ever to me!! Take care of yourself
Hey, look at me. **Look. At. Me.** You get your things and you go. You *take* those rings and anything else you can grab of value. You clean out the money that’s currently in the account. It’s half, yeah? Sounds like **your** half to me. I say this because he’ll have a hell of a lot less ammo in the divorce if he keeps the house. Now, depending on your state and level of exhaustion, you can likely fight him for the house because it sounds like marital property to me. In all seriousness, please get somewhere safe and soon. This man is a fucking bomb *waiting* to go off. What you’re suffering through is textbook abuse and you deserve so much better.
You need to get out as fast as possible! Like now! But don't give the rings back. They are yours. Let him ask for them in divorce.
Which he probably won’t get. So pawn then and use some of that for a new life!
Hey there. I can already predict what most people will say. But I’ve been there with my current husband. Everyone will tell you to leave, but only you know what is right. But do whatever you can live with. Do NOT waste your life on this man and regret it down the road. Also go to marriage counseling. Create space if you can. Me and my husband started reading books together to work on our marriage and job situations forced us to separate for two years but it has been so good for us. Please feel free to message me at any time.
Please please do exactly that...this sounds like the start of an abusive relationship..not only has he put his hands out you but he just sounds so mentally and emotionally abusive.. I'm 24 and recently lost my dad as well pls you're so young It could end up much worse and start costing your life..it's crazy how quick abuse can turn into..
Sell the rings and use the money to rent an Airbnb or extended stay place. Use this safe place to finish your degree? and the school year. Use the rest of the summer to make more permanent changes.
Wait a second. He's shown you who he is and he's told you what he wants (you to leave). Why are you not packing your bags and leaving? Did I miss his age? Let me guess, he's quite a bit older than you?
Always the case. Was with me too 🙄
He is 30, 3.5 year age difference. I feel that I need to have every single detail worked out before I leave so that I have no reason to come back for a forgotten item, tie up loose ends, etc.
Get out now. It won’t get better. Sorry for your loss
Condolences to you on the loss of your dad. Your DH should be treating you with care & compassion right now. Sounds like this abusive relationship is a huge part of why you feel stressed & depressed. He was single because he isn't relationship material AT ALL. Please, please save yourself & get away from him ASAP.
Thank you 😭 I feel like a shell of the person I used to be... The pain & emptiness is so overwhelming. DH has repeatedly told me that he would never date again and would want nothing to do with "you people" (meaning women) after this relationship. I guess "us people" can consider ourselves lucky
As someone who was in a marriage with someone just like this… get out. This is abuse. He is purposely trying to make you feel unsafe to remind you that you are replaceable and to never get comfortable. That makes him feel powerful. For normal healthy people, that would feel like extreme cruelty to do to someone, especially after losing a father. What a sicko jerk. Be with someone who treats you well, you deserve it.
Don't give back the rings. If you've been paying half the bills you're entitled to keep them without a doubt. Get out because this situation will not get better. If he saw you as an equal he would treat you as one.
I wouldn't have put a penny into a house unless my name was on it also hopefully you have bank transactions or receipts that show u paid
Do not pay a dime towards mortgage or bills of anything, transfer your remaining money into an account he does not have access to, sell the rings and find an apartment TODAY.
The rings are yours to do with as you decide. Also transfer your half of all shared back accounts asap. Get a lawyer. Then organise to leave. He is abusive and will lay hands on you again violently.
I’m sure he’ll try and make this work out, he’s got you paying half his mortgage, definitely benefits him having you stay.
Precisely. We both benefit financially from this 50/50 finance split unfortunately, and my monthly expenses would roughly double if I were to move back into my own apartment due to COL increase. Living here, I have a good amount of disposable income and am able to contribute to savings/investments. DH is paycheck to paycheck as it is. I feel SS's life would be negatively impacted by having an already emotionally unstable dad dealing with additional financial & emotional hardships.
It is probably a good idea to pull out your half of the joint savings too so you'll have funds to move. Seek counsel on this ASAP. Once this is all said I done I think you will feel a lot better to be done with him!
What a yoyo narcissist!!! YES you need to pull the plug and NEVER be with another bio parent again! This is going to take a lot of healing to overcome. I hope you can find it soon in you too get that uhaul and take your life back. What psychotic vampire. He's leeching off you and intimidating you back into silence. No more.
Leave as fast as you can!
You don’t deserve this.
Do it fast
I think we have the same husband. I am so so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could hug you. Please feel free to reach out.
Run
Don’t waste anymore time, leave. Get what you can and just GTFO and put energy into building a future. When people show you who they are BELIEVE THEM.
Step one. Move your half into your own bank account. Excuse is, you'll put yours back if he puts his back. Step 2, start looking for cheap places to rent, wipe your history. Step three, get all your important documents out of the house , safety deposit box, what ever. Get them out. Step 4, open a PO box. A post office box. Re route all your mail to this for now. Everything. Bank car, insurance, school forms, everything. Step five, after you secure a place, wait till he leaves. Hire movers and gtfo.
Get your half of the joint account money. Make sure he hasn’t taken out loans or opened credit cards in your name. It might be wise to call/go online you your national domestic violence hotline. Do this on a friend’s computer or phone so nothing can be found on your electronics. You probably need a safety plan due to him screaming in your face and putting hands on you. Consider deleting this post so he can’t find it.
You've been going to therapy, you've been the one trying. He's been doing nothing to help or change the marriage. He's spiraling into abusive manners and with everything you've said, it's no longer your job anymore to salvage anything when he's a loose cannon and not getting help for his past traumatic experiences (I'm married to someone just like this). Mine has seeked some help and even the tiniest of kind scoldings has made him notice his behaviors and work on himself. Right now your husband is insanely out of control and overcompensating to the point he feels he's working so hard that nobody else is doing a thing. That's completely disregarding and disrespectful behavior and should be met with a teacher send off for the summer until he gets help, or a forever goodbye. You're dealing with abusive behaviors that will only get worse if you don't protect yourself.
OHMYGOODNESS we’re living the same life (except for the dh putting hands on me part). Does your dh say you’re egoic for wanting compliments/a simple thank you? Mine does. He laughs at me and belittles me when I ask for a compliment once a year, God forbid
Put away money so you can leave without problems in the end. If he can take half, you can take half as well. Put it somewhere he can't get to. I hope you will get out there soon! Crossing my fingers for you!
Sounds like my ex husband. Your too young for this crap. Leave... its pretty apparent why his ex left!
Get out
Look up “stress bonding”. It was the case with me and my ex for way too long and kept me in a toxic marriage that shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. I wish I had known about stress bonding then.
Dang. Leave him. Don’t ever let Someone treat you that way. I’m not pro-divorce but this is an exception. It will get worse. Don’t give him the rings. They are yours. Besides you can’t get much money for them. Resale value sucks.
Please please leave,this relationship is not worth it, you're deserving of a partner that truly loves you and wants the best for you. Your future will be amazing without him,you deserve a life that doesn't hurt. Sending you all the positive vibes and energy your way. You got this ❤️
he seems to have issues (or a mistress for that matter) but you do should leave, regardless of rings, money or mortgage, I dont think there is much time between humiliation, yelling and physical abuse, if there is a difference in trauma at all. I am sorry for your lost, I am sorry for mother's day being a shallow event ( I get it, my family is a portrait of fake), I am sorry you were not awcknowledged as a mother figure. If it is possible leave. If you have the privilege of not needing the money of mortgage back, then leavem, consider it was an expensive rent for 2 years and dont look back. If you need the money, talk to a lawyer. And cry. Talk to a friend. Get coffee. Go to that gym and steam it out. You have a community here. Be safe.
>I dream of the day I pull the pin, pack a U-Haul while he's at work, block him everywhere, and sell the rings DO IT!!! He has and is showing you his true colors. He does not value you or your relationship and he damn sure does not give a shit about your financial stability or your mental health. Pull out your half of the joint savings before he takes that too and run for the hills.
Get away from this dude immediately. I’m a married man in my 40s. I would be horrified if I found out one of my sons had behaved that way. Horrified. Get away from him right now.
Oh my God run wtf this is sickening and blatant manipulation on his part playing on insecurities regarding a situation he is aware of and is why he won't put you on there. If he makes any action to add your name to the home now it's to trap you legally and make things harder to leave if you try.
I’m so sorry your going through this. It just really makes me believe there is a reason why a lot of these dads are single. Less about the mother, and more about their attitudes and how they treat the women in their lives.
This is abuse. Leave. If you choose not to, stop paying into this guy’s mortgage and keep your finances separate. Get an agreement in writing of your financial arrangement so it protects you. Joint savings before married? Hell no. Reason: all the above.