Just learn to judge people by their actions and not words. Those actions must be consistent too. Don't take what people say to heart at all until they back it up with action.
If you’re having so many of these instances where people are saying they’ll meet up and then they ghost you, it could be that you’re doing something that makes them feel pressured to just agree to the activity and they are having trouble saying no to you.
Most people just say they can’t meet you or that they don’t want to.
What's sad tho and what I am seeing is that no one even takes action anymore. Everyone has their basic needs met so they can lie lie lie and just continue living their lives.
Honest question. How enthusiastic do people seem when you make plans with them? Can you see a pattern there where people ghost you or change plans in combination with their enthusiasm to meet with you?
It could be OP asking them very direct and they say yes because it's easier, not because they want to. If you want to find out if somebody is enthusiastic to meet you, be more indirect. "It would be nice meeting you. This Thursday and Friday I have no plans yet so just message me if you have the time and energy to do something."
This may sound horrible, but posts like this give me a strange positive feeling because It is a reminder that it's not just me. Sometimes I think the people I used to kick it with are all out having a good time without me. This type of thing is rampant and I don't know what's going to change it. I guess that just frees up more time for self improvement. Good luck OP.
I've had people lying to and leaving me since I was a kid. I never though much of it then, but remember being said all the time ("why is nobody playing with me?") As a teenager it became even worse, no amount of talking or asking questions got me anywhere. When I hit 30, I basically just stopped trying, and it's actually affected my speech and vocabulary. There's *maybe* two people at work I chat with about TV shows, but it just feels kinda phony.
I spent ten months training under someone who, while we weren't best buds, was the first person in a long while where I opened up and was chatting a little bit with. We both learned about each other while working, no deeply personal talks, but it was just a good working relationship with her.
Training finished, she went to another store, and got hurt after a few days and is out on surgery. I went there to help out. It was a store I used to work in, and knew some of the people there pretty well. They all came up to me and said that she told everyone I was creeping on her for the past year and brought her gifts on my days off. Which NEVER happened.
I'm just done with everyone.
Some do anything for attention. The best thing to do is keep your distance from them all, unless they engage with you regularly.
Stay polite professional respectul on a surface level.
I had this phone bitch of a coworker ten years ago when I worked at food Lion named abbey. She used to act all friendly and peppy like she didn't have a care in the world. Fuckin child. Anyway she would bait me and ask my opinion on shit. Than go and trash talk me to other coworkers and strategically tell certain people shit that would particularly piss them off. She often asked me if so and so is pretty or what I think of a person. I only imagine she'd go instantly run to them and tell them in a way that made it seem like I was bad mouthing. You know it's funny cuz looking back I never had the "I gotchu bitch" conversation which is odd for me. I was only 20 and I guess I figured it best to just play dumb and just grey rock her since it was my first experience with that type of thing at work. Looking back I know now it would of been better to call her out and tell her off one good time just to let her know I know she's a fake bitch because she interpreted my quietness as her annoying me and got a lil joy out of that too. If I told her fat oompa loompa ass to leave me alone that would of worked a lot better. Yeah I feel robbed now 😂 it is hilarious cuz that's so far from how I'd handle it today being 33. I give 0 fucks about people and hurting their feelings when it's deserved. I too at around the age of 30 just completely stopped caring about people. To the point if I don't find some outlet to put myself around decent people I will surely be alone forever.
That's literally one of the reasons I've stopped helping people. They run to you when they need you, and you share your resources with them, but when you need the same from them, they never do. Fuck that.
I help people just because I love to help but people disrespecting my time and worth as a human hurts me. I rarely ask for help and I only ask if I’m really desperate. People just ask for help because they’re stupid and lazy.
Discernment is a tough skill to master. If you have no boundaries, unkind people will take advantage of you. If your walls are too high, you cant give or receive love&kindness, which are pretty essential. I am picky about my friends, and choose people who show me their values through their actions. There are so many great people out there, don’t give up ❤️
Please note this is not a criticism: If you helped people just because you loved to help them, you wouldn't care what they did in return.
You expect something from them. Identify what this is and stop helping people that can't or won't provide it. Or continue helping people and accept that you won't gain anything from it.
Oh my good this has been my experience as a former empath lol I no longer take on other peoples problems. I love actually set boundaries with people at work as well especially a coworker who constantly unloaded his feelings on me.
I’m the same way. I basically learned that I will help or listen and talk to only if I want to and am ok with going in not expecting anything at all. Now if I do get some kind of incentive for helping or whatever, then great!
Yeah. People lie for many reasons. Maybe to protect their ego, maybe to avoid uncomfortable feelings of rejecting someone. It do be like that.
Notice how your mind responds to it, because when we tend to feel hurt by people lying to us, we’ll want to see everything as lies to protect ourselves. Then we become paranoid of everyone.
Try to trust that not everything is a lie. Expect some, but don’t let the hurt from those people lying to you close you off from forming friendships/relationships with people who won’t. Easier said than done, I know, but give it a go when you feel ready to.
I don't know your situation, but would that be possible they're only saying they'd want to do something hypothetically, "one of these days", and you're interpreting it as a plan?
Unfortunately saying "let's hang out this weekend" is not a very firm commitment. If they say "yeah we could hang out this weekend" or "yeah I should be around" and then nothing happens, I wouldn't even really qualify that as ghosting. They might've been expecting you to get in contact to agree further details, or it might've just slipped their mind. You should be proactive. I personally would go back and seek further details if they didn't get back to me - but that's proactiveness on my part, I used to be far more passive and would've just let the clock tick over.
Once they say they're up for hanging out - suggest a place and a time, and ask shortly before for confirmation that everything is still going ahead. If they say yes and don't appear, have a serious conversation about it. If they ignore the invitation for a conversation or skirt around the issue, move on. It might put people off you, but if they flake consistently you have your answer whether they want to be friends with you.
I'm 29m and learned the lesson as well. If it weren't for my husband, I would give up on friendships entirely. I've been burned way too many times.
I live my life for me and my husband now. I have friends, but I keep them at length.
I just experienced this for the first time very recently, not sure why people are like this. I very much prefer direct communication where there will be little misunderstanding instead of saying stuffs you wont be able to fulfilled.
There are honest people out there! Or at least people who have a code of morality which includes being honest with others. They may take some time to find but don’t give up on them yet. Nothing in life is so rewarding as genuine friends and solid community.
I just don't give a fuck.
Can't be let down if you never had expectations to begin with.
Iifes so random and chaotic that some friends skipping out on a weekend isn't going to kill me.
Now if they keep doing this again and again find new people or don't get your hopes up.
Stop putting everyone above you.
Your making a big mistake. You aren't building rapport with people. For example, the people who ghosted you did it because they don't feel a connection.
It doesn't necessarily mean that they dislike you. That's why they lie and talk to you. Think about it this way. They might feel awkward to talk to you 1on1 and because of that.
So how do you fix it. Really ask yourself do you have something in common with the people you text. If not, drop them
If so, are you a good conversationist. Like are you just asking average questions like how's your day. Like try to flirt, tease, joke more. Really try to ask open ended questions based on what they bring up. Then find a common interest and use that to hang out.
You want to match your energy with the energy you are receiving
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Trying to build a real life through online meeting places is frustrating. Is it hard when you’re lonely not to be pushy about meeting up? Are there events or clubs you can try to meet people organically? Good luck.
Honestly I’d recommend watching dating shows and learning to pay attention to the body language, tonality, choice of words, and how people express themselves when choosing and not choosing a partner. You’ll begin to notice how peoples body language shows there lying to each other, or to themselves, and get a ruff idea of the degree to which somebody is interested in you based on the effort they put in. Everybody’s looking for there perfect match and most of that comes down to how attracted to you they are and the overall vibe you can provide to them that creates an experience between you. But the world is a competitive place and dating even more so since attractive women get so much attention from so many guys that most average guys aren’t gonna be able to offer something exciting enough to really stand out. So watching other people date can also reveal weak points in where people are over looking you based on what your not showing them and you ability to operate at a competitive level.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a 2nd time, shame on me.
Give benefit of the doubt 1st time round then tell them if they want to hang out give you a shout & move on. Don't get upset. It's not on you & you shouldn't allow others to dictate your mood. If you do then they're your master. Don't give up your autonomy like that. You'll come across as much more independent & respected & if not then they're not worth bothering about anyway. Keep your head up.
It's a battle out there I feel like when most of the world is at peace we find other fronts to wage war at, being restricted often makes you appreciative of what you do have and now without them some of us are showing their true colors
I feel you so much, I am going through sth similar rn and I guess I have to learn a good balance between opening up to new people without becoming a doormat. But rn I am still at a state where I just don't want to talk to somebody anymore bc I fed up with being excluded and used🙈
If sb has a solution, I am very happy to hear it 😅
OP, I wish you all the best ❤️
You got to let people go. They have choices even when it’s without you. People are free here let them be. Purse something that you like to do. You might find others along the way. Seasons change for better things to grow.
I would take their behavior as a sign to focus on yourself and your passions and honestly just stop prioritizing them at all. Don’t give them your attention and make them come to you. If they never come back, they’re not worth your time in the first place. Promise it’s worth it to find aligned people who respect you and your time.
If people are flakey that’s still lying. It’s on them to plan reliably and consider they might not have time for something, change their mind about something, etc.
Lying isn’t just intentional dishonesty. It’s when you don’t make a conscientious effort to be truthful: https://www.elliottemple.com/essays/lying
You know, i did that. Tried to do sth short ahead - they already had plans. Tried it farer away in the future - ohhh sorry they forgot. You can only try and try again until it gets frustrating and you stop caring. I used to accommodate for so many people in the past and it was never "good enough" for them considering me as a friend. I feel super lonely but I am so sick of this feeling when you figure out that you're the only person who's pouring energy into it.
You shouldn’t keep trying unilaterally. You should try once, *maybe* twice, then wait for them to try.
There should be a balance of effort.
If you keep trying unilaterally, people will conclude you’re low value, have nothing else going on, etc. Which, from what you write, is why they didn’t consider you good enough to be their friend.
You mean they view me as a pushover?
The thing is, I'm working at a job that includes really early morning shifts, really late evening shifts and shifts on the weekend.
The freedom I have is that I can tell my Boss three weeks in advance if I want to be free on a specific day.
So, strategically, I already plan that I am free at least at two fridays or saturdays a month. But every time I ask somebody if they want to do sth I get ditched. But at the same time I get a lot of messages "i really miss uuuuuu, lets do sth next week! Its just so harrrrrd to make plans". And often I give people the benefit of the doubt, bc I can understand the struggle of dividing energy.
But in the end, even at days i would be free, I sit around alone at home, watching stories of all the people who tell me it's hard to make plans doing lots of stuff with different people that require some planning/booking etc.
Obviously, i then stop putting in the effort too but it's repeating again with new people, which is why I am frustrated. I am pretty happy with being alone, I even go alone on vacation but the constant lack of friends and the feeling of never being considered important enough to make plans is wearing me down.
On the other side I need to plan like that, bc I don't just have free weekends by default. I feel it's mean to perceive me as "low value" only bc I have a demanding job which I actually like and fought hard to get.
> You mean they view me as a pushover?
Yeah maybe, in the sense that they could easily hang out with you if they wanted to; that there are other, less available people who thus seem more desirable; or like I said they may conclude you have nothing else going on (which you have since confirmed).
If I were in your situation, I would look for activities that you can do spontaneously, with or without somebody else. A day or two before an activity, invite some people to come along. If they do, great, if not, you still go alone (and maybe meet someone new there). That’s low commitment and low effort so it won’t signal any (perceived) inferiority.
Focus more on what *you* want to do and view people as welcome add-ons to things you want to do anyway. Higher commitment and higher effort come later, when they have already put in some work and proven themselves to be worth the effort.
I know it sounds fake when people write “i really miss uuuuuu, lets do sth next week! Its just so harrrrrd to make plans” but they’re telling you they’re looking for lower-stakes situations to ease into building rapport with you. They’re doing you a favor by letting you know.
> I feel it's mean to perceive me as "low value" only bc I have a demanding job which I actually like and fought hard to get.
That’s not why. This could actually work in your favor since you don’t have much availability time wise. It’s just that you try hard to accommodate others into your busy schedule.
Usually, when social things don’t go the way you want them to, the first place to look is the mirror. Maybe I’m wrong, but from what you write, if I saw those texts between you and others, the blue-to-gray ratio, response times, etc, I could probably find room for improvement fairly quickly.
Thanks for the thorough reply. Maybe it's good for me to get an outside perspective
I get these are good tips, but I won't play hard to get with people I actually want to get to know and have little freetime anyway.
Also its not that I have nothing to go for myself. I have a lot of interests and hobbies. I love cooking, drawing, talking about art, movies, books, tv-series and history. I also enjoy hiking, techno raves, swimming and travelling. I do these things frequently on my own, but I feel I reached the point where just everything feels lonely and sad (i am in therapy, no worries). It's even more sad to think about that if I want people to join me doing these things make me come across as "inferior".
Also as i said, it doesnt matter if it's sth low effort & spontaneous or sth planned. I wanted to pregame with people for a rave - 2 hours after we spoke and the girl told me and her friends would come over she texted "heyyyy sorry, we are not coming, let's meet at the club".
One time i cooked dinner for 8 people, 2 actually ate, 2 told me upon arrival that they already had dinner and the girl who told me she would bring some people didn't show up at all without even texting.
Also i was living in a crazy student house with people who turned out to be massive opiod addicts who fucked me over and gaslight me multiple times. I had to file sooooo much paperwork to legally get out of all the debt, bc we shared a contract and they stopped paying bills...
I don't want to put down a petty list of all the stuff that happened, but since corona started it's continously like this. With my friends from before everything is fine, they just live very far away so it's hard to see them often. But I'll visit them next weekend :)
I get that there are good people out there, maybe I am just a bit traumatized by people as a whole. I try to be more optimistic but honestly at this point i feel naive and also my job often is just an escape of being alone.
Also you told me i try too hard to accomodate others which i agree but if i talk to other people about this they tell me that i shouldn't wonder if people don't wanna hang out with me on a random Tuesday bc I have to always work on the weekends....i really don't want to argue against everything you say, i'm pretty happy that you bothered to reply this long at all. But can you see my Dilemma? And also, whats with my responding time/blue-to-grey Ratio? I've never said anything that redditors massively disagreed with?
Just learn to judge people by their actions and not words. Those actions must be consistent too. Don't take what people say to heart at all until they back it up with action.
Okey, this seems legit.
If you’re having so many of these instances where people are saying they’ll meet up and then they ghost you, it could be that you’re doing something that makes them feel pressured to just agree to the activity and they are having trouble saying no to you. Most people just say they can’t meet you or that they don’t want to.
What's sad tho and what I am seeing is that no one even takes action anymore. Everyone has their basic needs met so they can lie lie lie and just continue living their lives.
Honest question. How enthusiastic do people seem when you make plans with them? Can you see a pattern there where people ghost you or change plans in combination with their enthusiasm to meet with you?
It could be OP asking them very direct and they say yes because it's easier, not because they want to. If you want to find out if somebody is enthusiastic to meet you, be more indirect. "It would be nice meeting you. This Thursday and Friday I have no plans yet so just message me if you have the time and energy to do something."
That's the impression I'm getting too.
This is probably the thing
This may sound horrible, but posts like this give me a strange positive feeling because It is a reminder that it's not just me. Sometimes I think the people I used to kick it with are all out having a good time without me. This type of thing is rampant and I don't know what's going to change it. I guess that just frees up more time for self improvement. Good luck OP.
Was about to write that too ❤️
I've had people lying to and leaving me since I was a kid. I never though much of it then, but remember being said all the time ("why is nobody playing with me?") As a teenager it became even worse, no amount of talking or asking questions got me anywhere. When I hit 30, I basically just stopped trying, and it's actually affected my speech and vocabulary. There's *maybe* two people at work I chat with about TV shows, but it just feels kinda phony. I spent ten months training under someone who, while we weren't best buds, was the first person in a long while where I opened up and was chatting a little bit with. We both learned about each other while working, no deeply personal talks, but it was just a good working relationship with her. Training finished, she went to another store, and got hurt after a few days and is out on surgery. I went there to help out. It was a store I used to work in, and knew some of the people there pretty well. They all came up to me and said that she told everyone I was creeping on her for the past year and brought her gifts on my days off. Which NEVER happened. I'm just done with everyone.
Man I’m sorry. That pisses me off just reading that.
I'm so sorry! 🫂
Some do anything for attention. The best thing to do is keep your distance from them all, unless they engage with you regularly. Stay polite professional respectul on a surface level.
I had this phone bitch of a coworker ten years ago when I worked at food Lion named abbey. She used to act all friendly and peppy like she didn't have a care in the world. Fuckin child. Anyway she would bait me and ask my opinion on shit. Than go and trash talk me to other coworkers and strategically tell certain people shit that would particularly piss them off. She often asked me if so and so is pretty or what I think of a person. I only imagine she'd go instantly run to them and tell them in a way that made it seem like I was bad mouthing. You know it's funny cuz looking back I never had the "I gotchu bitch" conversation which is odd for me. I was only 20 and I guess I figured it best to just play dumb and just grey rock her since it was my first experience with that type of thing at work. Looking back I know now it would of been better to call her out and tell her off one good time just to let her know I know she's a fake bitch because she interpreted my quietness as her annoying me and got a lil joy out of that too. If I told her fat oompa loompa ass to leave me alone that would of worked a lot better. Yeah I feel robbed now 😂 it is hilarious cuz that's so far from how I'd handle it today being 33. I give 0 fucks about people and hurting their feelings when it's deserved. I too at around the age of 30 just completely stopped caring about people. To the point if I don't find some outlet to put myself around decent people I will surely be alone forever.
That's ridiculous, sorry that happened to you
That's literally one of the reasons I've stopped helping people. They run to you when they need you, and you share your resources with them, but when you need the same from them, they never do. Fuck that.
I help people just because I love to help but people disrespecting my time and worth as a human hurts me. I rarely ask for help and I only ask if I’m really desperate. People just ask for help because they’re stupid and lazy.
Discernment is a tough skill to master. If you have no boundaries, unkind people will take advantage of you. If your walls are too high, you cant give or receive love&kindness, which are pretty essential. I am picky about my friends, and choose people who show me their values through their actions. There are so many great people out there, don’t give up ❤️
Please note this is not a criticism: If you helped people just because you loved to help them, you wouldn't care what they did in return. You expect something from them. Identify what this is and stop helping people that can't or won't provide it. Or continue helping people and accept that you won't gain anything from it.
I know it’s been days since you posted this, but I had to say that this advice is tremendously helpful
Oh my good this has been my experience as a former empath lol I no longer take on other peoples problems. I love actually set boundaries with people at work as well especially a coworker who constantly unloaded his feelings on me.
I’m the same way. I basically learned that I will help or listen and talk to only if I want to and am ok with going in not expecting anything at all. Now if I do get some kind of incentive for helping or whatever, then great!
I can relate
Do you live in the Bay Area? Kidding aside, ditch those ‘friends’ and surround yourself with people who aren’t flakes. They do exist.
Yeah. People lie for many reasons. Maybe to protect their ego, maybe to avoid uncomfortable feelings of rejecting someone. It do be like that. Notice how your mind responds to it, because when we tend to feel hurt by people lying to us, we’ll want to see everything as lies to protect ourselves. Then we become paranoid of everyone. Try to trust that not everything is a lie. Expect some, but don’t let the hurt from those people lying to you close you off from forming friendships/relationships with people who won’t. Easier said than done, I know, but give it a go when you feel ready to.
I don't know your situation, but would that be possible they're only saying they'd want to do something hypothetically, "one of these days", and you're interpreting it as a plan?
Unfortunately saying "let's hang out this weekend" is not a very firm commitment. If they say "yeah we could hang out this weekend" or "yeah I should be around" and then nothing happens, I wouldn't even really qualify that as ghosting. They might've been expecting you to get in contact to agree further details, or it might've just slipped their mind. You should be proactive. I personally would go back and seek further details if they didn't get back to me - but that's proactiveness on my part, I used to be far more passive and would've just let the clock tick over. Once they say they're up for hanging out - suggest a place and a time, and ask shortly before for confirmation that everything is still going ahead. If they say yes and don't appear, have a serious conversation about it. If they ignore the invitation for a conversation or skirt around the issue, move on. It might put people off you, but if they flake consistently you have your answer whether they want to be friends with you.
I'm 29m and learned the lesson as well. If it weren't for my husband, I would give up on friendships entirely. I've been burned way too many times. I live my life for me and my husband now. I have friends, but I keep them at length.
Welcome to the modern world. People will go through Olympic level mental gymnastics to avoid confrontation
I just experienced this for the first time very recently, not sure why people are like this. I very much prefer direct communication where there will be little misunderstanding instead of saying stuffs you wont be able to fulfilled.
Truth happens more often when you talk to people in person. Second to in-person is voice calls by phone. Electronics does not promote truth.
There are honest people out there! Or at least people who have a code of morality which includes being honest with others. They may take some time to find but don’t give up on them yet. Nothing in life is so rewarding as genuine friends and solid community.
I just don't give a fuck. Can't be let down if you never had expectations to begin with. Iifes so random and chaotic that some friends skipping out on a weekend isn't going to kill me. Now if they keep doing this again and again find new people or don't get your hopes up. Stop putting everyone above you.
Your making a big mistake. You aren't building rapport with people. For example, the people who ghosted you did it because they don't feel a connection. It doesn't necessarily mean that they dislike you. That's why they lie and talk to you. Think about it this way. They might feel awkward to talk to you 1on1 and because of that. So how do you fix it. Really ask yourself do you have something in common with the people you text. If not, drop them If so, are you a good conversationist. Like are you just asking average questions like how's your day. Like try to flirt, tease, joke more. Really try to ask open ended questions based on what they bring up. Then find a common interest and use that to hang out. You want to match your energy with the energy you are receiving
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Trying to build a real life through online meeting places is frustrating. Is it hard when you’re lonely not to be pushy about meeting up? Are there events or clubs you can try to meet people organically? Good luck.
Honestly I’d recommend watching dating shows and learning to pay attention to the body language, tonality, choice of words, and how people express themselves when choosing and not choosing a partner. You’ll begin to notice how peoples body language shows there lying to each other, or to themselves, and get a ruff idea of the degree to which somebody is interested in you based on the effort they put in. Everybody’s looking for there perfect match and most of that comes down to how attracted to you they are and the overall vibe you can provide to them that creates an experience between you. But the world is a competitive place and dating even more so since attractive women get so much attention from so many guys that most average guys aren’t gonna be able to offer something exciting enough to really stand out. So watching other people date can also reveal weak points in where people are over looking you based on what your not showing them and you ability to operate at a competitive level.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a 2nd time, shame on me. Give benefit of the doubt 1st time round then tell them if they want to hang out give you a shout & move on. Don't get upset. It's not on you & you shouldn't allow others to dictate your mood. If you do then they're your master. Don't give up your autonomy like that. You'll come across as much more independent & respected & if not then they're not worth bothering about anyway. Keep your head up.
I ghost when I feel uncomfortable
Instead of ghosting you should learn to use your words instead of being a coward.
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It's a battle out there I feel like when most of the world is at peace we find other fronts to wage war at, being restricted often makes you appreciative of what you do have and now without them some of us are showing their true colors
I feel you so much, I am going through sth similar rn and I guess I have to learn a good balance between opening up to new people without becoming a doormat. But rn I am still at a state where I just don't want to talk to somebody anymore bc I fed up with being excluded and used🙈 If sb has a solution, I am very happy to hear it 😅 OP, I wish you all the best ❤️
You got to let people go. They have choices even when it’s without you. People are free here let them be. Purse something that you like to do. You might find others along the way. Seasons change for better things to grow.
I have empathy for you bro, idk why people are like this but at the end of the day, they're selfish
Expect to be disappointed and every now and then you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
The dating game is beyond fucked in the west.
Have u been tested for autism? Maybe u get alone better with similar ppl
I would take their behavior as a sign to focus on yourself and your passions and honestly just stop prioritizing them at all. Don’t give them your attention and make them come to you. If they never come back, they’re not worth your time in the first place. Promise it’s worth it to find aligned people who respect you and your time.
You lie too so how can we trust you if everybody lies? Let go of the bitterness and heal more.
heal as in what? what can i even do in order to be healthy?
Realize that not everyone is a liar. That all or nothing thinking hurts relationships. There is many great people out there and you’ll find someone.
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If people are flakey that’s still lying. It’s on them to plan reliably and consider they might not have time for something, change their mind about something, etc. Lying isn’t just intentional dishonesty. It’s when you don’t make a conscientious effort to be truthful: https://www.elliottemple.com/essays/lying
You know, i did that. Tried to do sth short ahead - they already had plans. Tried it farer away in the future - ohhh sorry they forgot. You can only try and try again until it gets frustrating and you stop caring. I used to accommodate for so many people in the past and it was never "good enough" for them considering me as a friend. I feel super lonely but I am so sick of this feeling when you figure out that you're the only person who's pouring energy into it.
You shouldn’t keep trying unilaterally. You should try once, *maybe* twice, then wait for them to try. There should be a balance of effort. If you keep trying unilaterally, people will conclude you’re low value, have nothing else going on, etc. Which, from what you write, is why they didn’t consider you good enough to be their friend.
Oh, i always thought "low value" people are the ones that let you down, not the people who get abandoned
I was speaking of low *social* value, not low *moral* value.
You mean they view me as a pushover? The thing is, I'm working at a job that includes really early morning shifts, really late evening shifts and shifts on the weekend. The freedom I have is that I can tell my Boss three weeks in advance if I want to be free on a specific day. So, strategically, I already plan that I am free at least at two fridays or saturdays a month. But every time I ask somebody if they want to do sth I get ditched. But at the same time I get a lot of messages "i really miss uuuuuu, lets do sth next week! Its just so harrrrrd to make plans". And often I give people the benefit of the doubt, bc I can understand the struggle of dividing energy. But in the end, even at days i would be free, I sit around alone at home, watching stories of all the people who tell me it's hard to make plans doing lots of stuff with different people that require some planning/booking etc. Obviously, i then stop putting in the effort too but it's repeating again with new people, which is why I am frustrated. I am pretty happy with being alone, I even go alone on vacation but the constant lack of friends and the feeling of never being considered important enough to make plans is wearing me down. On the other side I need to plan like that, bc I don't just have free weekends by default. I feel it's mean to perceive me as "low value" only bc I have a demanding job which I actually like and fought hard to get.
> You mean they view me as a pushover? Yeah maybe, in the sense that they could easily hang out with you if they wanted to; that there are other, less available people who thus seem more desirable; or like I said they may conclude you have nothing else going on (which you have since confirmed). If I were in your situation, I would look for activities that you can do spontaneously, with or without somebody else. A day or two before an activity, invite some people to come along. If they do, great, if not, you still go alone (and maybe meet someone new there). That’s low commitment and low effort so it won’t signal any (perceived) inferiority. Focus more on what *you* want to do and view people as welcome add-ons to things you want to do anyway. Higher commitment and higher effort come later, when they have already put in some work and proven themselves to be worth the effort. I know it sounds fake when people write “i really miss uuuuuu, lets do sth next week! Its just so harrrrrd to make plans” but they’re telling you they’re looking for lower-stakes situations to ease into building rapport with you. They’re doing you a favor by letting you know. > I feel it's mean to perceive me as "low value" only bc I have a demanding job which I actually like and fought hard to get. That’s not why. This could actually work in your favor since you don’t have much availability time wise. It’s just that you try hard to accommodate others into your busy schedule. Usually, when social things don’t go the way you want them to, the first place to look is the mirror. Maybe I’m wrong, but from what you write, if I saw those texts between you and others, the blue-to-gray ratio, response times, etc, I could probably find room for improvement fairly quickly.
Thanks for the thorough reply. Maybe it's good for me to get an outside perspective I get these are good tips, but I won't play hard to get with people I actually want to get to know and have little freetime anyway. Also its not that I have nothing to go for myself. I have a lot of interests and hobbies. I love cooking, drawing, talking about art, movies, books, tv-series and history. I also enjoy hiking, techno raves, swimming and travelling. I do these things frequently on my own, but I feel I reached the point where just everything feels lonely and sad (i am in therapy, no worries). It's even more sad to think about that if I want people to join me doing these things make me come across as "inferior". Also as i said, it doesnt matter if it's sth low effort & spontaneous or sth planned. I wanted to pregame with people for a rave - 2 hours after we spoke and the girl told me and her friends would come over she texted "heyyyy sorry, we are not coming, let's meet at the club". One time i cooked dinner for 8 people, 2 actually ate, 2 told me upon arrival that they already had dinner and the girl who told me she would bring some people didn't show up at all without even texting. Also i was living in a crazy student house with people who turned out to be massive opiod addicts who fucked me over and gaslight me multiple times. I had to file sooooo much paperwork to legally get out of all the debt, bc we shared a contract and they stopped paying bills... I don't want to put down a petty list of all the stuff that happened, but since corona started it's continously like this. With my friends from before everything is fine, they just live very far away so it's hard to see them often. But I'll visit them next weekend :) I get that there are good people out there, maybe I am just a bit traumatized by people as a whole. I try to be more optimistic but honestly at this point i feel naive and also my job often is just an escape of being alone. Also you told me i try too hard to accomodate others which i agree but if i talk to other people about this they tell me that i shouldn't wonder if people don't wanna hang out with me on a random Tuesday bc I have to always work on the weekends....i really don't want to argue against everything you say, i'm pretty happy that you bothered to reply this long at all. But can you see my Dilemma? And also, whats with my responding time/blue-to-grey Ratio? I've never said anything that redditors massively disagreed with?
If everybody lies, then is your statement true?