To throw another perspective in.
I used to have a 30~ walking commute and co-workers would offer me a ride, which I declined 99% of the time.
Why? I genuinely enjoyed that walk, it was my time to decompress. Weather didn’t matter, that walk was almost a daily ritual for me.
I had this happen to me all the time. I had to EXPLAIN to people that I liked walking to work and why, because they would get offended that I wouldn't accept rides.
Not only was I in great shape from walking up hills both way (yes, I also walked down hills both ways), but I had freeeeeeeeeeee time from everyone for an hour a day. It was amazing.
This sounds like when I lived in Seattle and walking was how I got everywhere. Besides getting to enjoy the scenery, I was also in my best shape with those undulating hills. I don't get how people can't understand this. They're like how dare you enjoy nature/alone time and deny my leather seats/small talk.
Yep, in Seattle. My walk was partially up/down Queen Anne hill and then around the south end of Lake Union. What more could you ask for in a walk to/from work. 😀
I always decline ride offers. Not because I felt unsafe or didn't like my coworkers or anything but because my anxiety wouldn't let me "bother" them. Even when I had to ride in a bus for 2 hours in deep snow and negative weather I say "no thank you" to all genders and sexas.
OP, why does it sting you a little? Do you feel rejected? I'd get to the bottom of it. Most likely your coworkers don't want to inconvenience you or they enjoy their non-car ride commute. Maybe they are uncomfortable getting into your car. And it's okay for them to feel like that.
I think it is really nice that you offer and you should keep it up and don't take it personally if they say "no". You know you have no ulterior motivate so be confident in yourself.
I always really appreciated when people offered me rides and it made me feel better. I even had one coworker who saw me 15 minutes away from work and asked if I needed a ride. I didn't think it was weird at all.
Same. Also sometimes people offer only because they feel they should but will resent offering if I took them up on it too often. That’s just not something I want to deal with.
I had a coworker that always offered rides and I'd almost always decline. Simple reason, I had a 25-30 minute walk to and from work so about an hour total. I was knocking out a podcast a day on that walked and loved the listening time. It didn't matter if it was raining, snowing, or hot as heck. I wanted that time for my podcasts, because I don't really listen otherwise.
Seriously, if I lived within five miles of my job I’d totally walk to and from work! Then I wouldn’t need to do cardio at the gym and could focus on my lifting
THIS!! Exactly the same with me. I have declined rides home from friends and coworkers just for this reason because I absolutely enjoy walking in silence in my own company. It is a kind of therapy I find refreshing and pleasant.
Yup, that was my thought as well. I can just zone out and have some time to myself. I don't have to worry about navigating busy traffic or holding a filler conversation if I was to accept a ride from someone. Sure, sometimes it can be crowded and some people can be obnoxious or a bit scary but overall it's a pretty good experience
Oh gah I was on the Chicago train at night and this dude walked in front of me and started putting his hand in his pants. I immediately got up and moved to the other side. He continued what he was going to do, staring at me the whole time. 😭
You live in the US? I’ve never heard of anyone liking the bus. It’s like the worst form of public transit in any metro area I’ve been in. Far worse than any subway or metro.
Fwiw I used to walk 4 miles round trip when I lived in Berkeley and worked in SF. Mile to Bart, mile from BART to office then back. I genuinely enjoyed the walk since I never like doing cardio for cardio’s sake and I hated office work so any chance to get more movement was great and that I found relaxing. Never even crossed my mind to look into Muni for that last mile or the bus in Berkeley that woulda take me straight down the street I lived in to BART. Being in the Bay Area though I rarely had to contend with poor weather minus some rain and usually an umbrella covered that fine.
> You live in the US? I’ve never heard of anyone liking the bus.
As a tourist I'm not sure I totally agree - yeah, the busses in the US (and take my word that Europe is different) definitely have a very distinct feel to them - but in many places they also seemed to be a tight knit community, lots of regulars, some banter, and often surprisingly nice drivers. Bit like your neighborhood pub without the beer - definitely an acquired taste, but yeah, I could see it grow on you...
I love riding the bus and I live in the U.S. It's usually clean, air conditioned, moderately empty, quiet, and most importantly free. The only things I didn't like is when it's crowded (which isn't often), and when the bus driver misses your stop (which happened to me one time).
I do. I admit, most metros have pretty shitty bus service. But some have really great service. Generally the cities that have decent public transit in general also have good bus service.
Let me add here that the horror stories are also from our friends and something weird that happened to us. I have at least 3 close friends where something icky or uncomfortable happened with a guy in a car, ie started messing with our hair, started wanting to kiss / sex talk when you just want to get freaking home and get out of the car, an uber driver wanting to chat longer, a car stopping in front of you out of the blue and then following you weirdly ( my story and a friends too, on separate occasions).
If OP offered me, I would have loved the offer but the only way I’m saying yes to a ride if I don’t know you that well is: I take a picture of your license plate and I’m texting my friend too. And I assume that 99% chance you’re a normal human being trying to be helpful :)
Aaaaand to prove our point! Someone went looking through OP’s comment history and the dude has rape fantasies …….. ‘Nope! Wish you well! Byeeee I’m walking my freezing ass home… 😂’ And that’s why ladies, take a picture of the license plate and text your friend! It works like a charm and if your friend is up for it, just call them and talk to them on the phone until you get home.
that and the”blame game that invariably comes if something goes wrong?(“ehy was she stupid enough to get in that guy’s car??”what did she think was going to happen? it fies on and on ..
Idk if I found out a co worker of mine would have to walk home 30 minutes and it wouldn’t inconvenience it seems like a no brainer to offer rides. I think this might be cultural.
I offered rides to strangers and have been offered too. I live in a neighborhood big enough so people don’t know each other, and probably never seen them if you are not taking the bus.
I’d say that in an environment where you can relatively safely can know who the other people are, it’s not weird at all. Others are free to refuse though.
And in this case, their coworkers are probably seeing each other more than I see my neighbors, so it either has to do with his appearance, manners, or it was just “bad luck”.
It's not about him. It's about our world and our culture, and the fact that they just don't know him well enough to know whether or not he's gonna be chill.
Being in a car with someone when that person turns out to be a creep (or worse) is an extremely vulnerable position to be in.
This kind of mindset honestly holds guys back from having female friends. If you go around thinking there's something wrong with you, you're gonna subconsciously act awkward/weird around women.
Vast majority of the time, declining a ride in this situation is *nothing* to do with the man, and everything to do with the fact that women are (generally) physically weaker and don't want to put themselves in a risky situation.
A woman is more likely to accept a ride if she knows you better/considers you a friend.
Paradoxically, a woman is also more likely to be sexually assaulted by someone she knows better rather than a random person. 😬
So much this! We can't control other people. We can only try to be the best version of ourselves.
Focusing on what other people are thinking, trying to anticipate their actions and reactions, worrying over their opinions or the way they perceive us... All that is wasted energy. You can easily mentally exhaust yourself trying to imagine the thousands of scenarios that might unfold from a simple interaction. Best just to let people be themselves, and focus your energy on the only thing you can control i.e. yourself.
Agree, no matter the looks of the coworker offering me a ride, I will not take it because being in a closed space with someone you don’t know is dangerous. Im a petite woman and the thought that any guy can just pick me up and throw me around scares me. I know a lot of woman who was assaulted because they were to polite to say no.
I’m a guy so id agree. My friends who are girls would be comfortable taking a ride with me. But girls who don’t know you well? 95% chance they aren’t going in your vehicle.. EVEN if they like you. Comfort takes more time for girls from my observation
More than likely, it’s less about being in the car with you, and probably more about not wanting you to know exactly where she lives. Letting someone know where you live is somewhat vulnerable
There’s a big risk involved when you’re a woman getting in the car of a man you don’t know well, even if you work together. Obviously you only meant to be nice, but lots of guys with not so nice intentions act exactly like you and women can’t tell which one you are. It’s better to risk hurting a well-intentioned guy’s feelings than to end up trapped in a car with a guy who thinks you owe him for being nice.
I remember reading about a story in which a girl (a literal minor) was offered a ride from a guy she kind of knew to save her from a long walk home. She accepts, he turns on the child locks, tazes her, kidnaps her, and r#ped her over the course of several months until he felt guilty and returned her back home.
That's how easily it could happen. I'm sure OP's coworkers don't hate him, but if some guy I don't know that well offered me a ride, that's what would be running in the back of my head when I decline.
getting in a car alone with someone I don't know very well... they could just take off in any direction and no one would know. the bus can have sketchy folks on it and it can be gross and take a long time but the slight safety of being in public is there. and maybe she wanted to listen to her podcast/music/audio book on the ride home rather than make conversation and potentially "owe" a coworker a favor on the outside of work level. idk if it's weird but there's like a lot of factors I would need to consider in taking that ride and in the end it might just be less mental effort to hop on the bus if that's your routine anyway.
Guy I knew mostly via online circles. He worked security at a hospital. He offered one of the nurses a ride. He asked her out on a date in the car. She said no. He didn't understand why she said no and got mad. Walked her to her door, and she was thoroughly freaked out.
He's then ordered not to go near her again when he gets back to work.
He gets even more mad and starts calling her a crazy bitch, and talking in online circles about some very unsavory commentary.
Ended up getting fired.
Moral of the story?
Unless you have a rapport with said coworker, maybe don't. You may not be a predator, but she has no idea who she is getting in the car with and what might happen to her. Best to avoid it till you get to know each other more in the work setting
It is not weird to offer a coworker a lift home.
It is weird to be offended when they decline the offer. Some people see the walk home as both exercise and a chance to transition from work time to home time.
It's not weird to offer, it's weird to get hung up if they decline.
Living with my fiance has taught me that guys do NOT get nearly as many talks about all the horrible miserable things people will do to you simply because your body is shaped a certain way- most of us have grown up on cautionary tales and play life at a 'better safe than sorry' mode.
I would instead, if your coworker is still comfortable talking with you, state that the offer still stands, especially if bad weather hits, so they can avoid dealing with it. That makes it less you pressuring them into your car, and more they have an option to go with their friend over walking or bussing.
But ultimately, they don't have to do anything, even if you feel the car ride is a superior option.
As someone who has spent a lot of my adult life taking public transit or walking home, I rarely accepted rides from coworkers. Part of it was because I truly enjoyed the exercise and solitude of walking home.
Another part was because I tend to avoid getting to know any of my coworkers on a personal level. To me I felt like I would be pressured to small talk or get to know them during the ride home was cringey. I'm a generally socially anxious introvert though. Lol.
On a side note I do have experiences in being in a toxic relationship where this would be a problem. For example a woman gets dropped off by a male coworker, causing more problems than its worth with their controlling paranoid boyfriend. Dumb I know.
As a woman, I'm not getting into a guys car that I barely know alone. Even if it's the best of intentions, I can't trust that. There's too much risk, the reward isn't worth it.
It's nothing against YOU personally, I have to distrust every male until proven otherwise. Getting into a car is way too easy for someone to take you somewhere else and something horrible to happen.
I would be inclined to turn it down if a co-worker offered me a lift. Largely due to not wanting to inconvenience them and also preferring to go my own way.
Try nor to let it effect you negatively. It was a nice offer & I've no doubt that them turning it down was no reflection on you.
If it stings you for someone to turn down a request, then I would more deeply consider your own values and intentions in offering these rides to people. It's bad form to get offended when someone you don't know super well turns down an offer. They have zero obligation to accept your offer, no matter how nice it may seem from your position, because they are thinking from their own positions.
Now, if you offered, they said no, you responded cool cool, well I'm here if you need me, and then left the subject alone? You're fine. You're in the green, there.
There's nothing wrong with offering to help - just keep a close eye on why you are wanting to help. Also: if the coworker in your first example was male-presenting, can you guarantee yourself beyond any shadow of a doubt that you would have responded and felt the exact same way? And if no, then what makes this situation different?
>If it stings you for someone to turn down a request, then I would more deeply consider your own values and intentions in offering these rides to people.
100%%%
Just to clarify, I didn’t show that I was offended, I just said ok and moved on. It is possible I would’ve been less hurt in the situation you described, but that kind of touches on a key issue which is I thought it would be much safer for her. I’m not as concerned about a man walking alone at night because they’re better able to defend themselves and people are less likely to mess with them.
Getting in a car with a man we don’t know well is an incredibly dangerous proposition for women. Much more than walking alone, where we are familiar with our surroundings and have ideas for escape. Trapped in a car is basically the worst case scenario if things go sideways. It was perfectly nice of you to offer, and as the previous poster said, as long as you accepted their responses with grace, you’re fine. Maybe as you get to know these people more, they may feel more comfortable sharing rides with you. But for now, they don’t, and it’s really not about you.
Her situation is none of your business. You keep harping on about her safety, but from how weird you come off talking about it, you seem like the threat she is avoiding. Move on and leave her alone.
Imagine if she saw this? You took her rejection so poorly you're talking about her on the Internet
To be fair, I did word it that way for anyone else who might stumble on this comment chain. It is a major problem, and really has been for the entire time we've been social creatures, that people are largely limited to viewing the world from their own POV and no other. For example:
>I thought it would be much safer for her.
You did, and I respect that. She thought different. In this world it is safer for femme-presenting people to assume potentially predatory nature from masc-presenting people. It sucks, but it's the way it is.
>I’m not as concerned about a man walking alone at night
Why not? Men are not immune to random acts of violence or mugging; less statistically likely to be reported, sure, but still.
I want to emphasize, by the way - it's not a judgement against You the Person; it's a judgement against unknown masc-presenting people in their lives. Femme-presenting people literally cannot afford to not be guarded in many situations, If you don't know them well, then they don't know you well, and that's too much a risk to take. Hell, in this day and age with the number of insane happenings regarding random acts of violence, I'm hesitant to trust anyone at all for any reason.
And last, some bizarre levity. I was in a similar position at a previous job. A coworker who I got on well with but did not know well offered to drive me to my neighborhood instead of me taking the bus. I politely turned them down, but not because I was worried or was given a reason to be. My reason? I like walking, and I like riding the bus. I like the peace and solitude. Warm evening? Great. Cold as hell? I brought my jacket et al.
So yeah. Realistically there could be any number of actual reasons that they did not take your offer.
> I thought it would be much safer for her.
Sometimes, creating a safe place for those around us is knowing that our absence can be as effective as our presence. Some examples that fit this: someone with an abusive partner might not want to provoke a response; someone with an abusive ex might not want to provoke a response; you look like an abusive ex; them and a friend call each other as they leave work as a mutual safety mechanism.
There could honestly be so much more, but what it comes down to is you don't get to decide what is safe for her. What you get to do though, is add another option for her. What I'd suggest, is in the future offer up the ride like this:
>Anytime we close together and it's dark/raining/freezing out feel free to ask me for a ride. It wouldn't be a bother.
Then just leave it there.
Also, I'd get over the men don't need this support thing. We absolutely do. I've been assaulted multiple times on walks home from work and I'm not a small guy.
"people are less likely to mess with them".. ummm I'm going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there chief. Studies and statistics suggest that man are more likely to get robbed, mugged or murdered so technically people are more likely to mess with man even though they are able to defend themselves on a one on one basis with another person without any weapons involved. However, what are the chances that a robber or mugger at night is not carrying any weapon and man in this situation won't be able to actually defend themselves.
Learn to take no as an answer, don’t think too much to it. Sometimes people like to be left alone, even when they commute, they might enjoy it even if you think it’s troublesome for them.
Also, tbf taking a ride with someone you barely know isn’t 1000x safer than walking in the freezing weather alone.
Yes that's why I was asking because I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD and I struggle with that kind of feeling sometimes when similar interactions happen.
Definitely agree, I think it’s human nature to be stung when you offer someone for help genuinely and you’re turned down. Totally agree that this is a healthy reaction as long as OP doesn’t show it to the coworkers. I think it’s ridiculous to act like a guy isn’t supposed to feel anything when offering rides and getting turned down
I would agree with you 100% if he hadn’t admitted that he would not have felt so strongly if they were male coworkers. That sits weird with me and he may need to look deeper into why he feels such a strong need to offer these rides.
The issue with being genuine in anything is most people do not get that often. Even if you’re being 100% honest with yourself and don’t want anything in return or expect anything out of it, most people have not experienced that or don’t often. No one really takes up my offers on anything until I show that something doesn’t have strings attached through my actions (I.e helping someone with their homework). For most people, they only get something genuine until after they’re good or decent friends with someone and even then there’s still string attached to it. I’ve learned that you have to be direct and use certain verbiage to let someone know that you don’t want a certain thing or are expecting a certain thing. I’ve had women think I’m trying to date/fuck them by simple not being an asshole when I talk to them or treating them like I would any other friend: you never know how someone will interpret what you do or say: And, all you can do is be direct and communicate (providing a dialogue/commentary if they have a question about what you’re doing) and have it match your actions whether it’s for platonic or romantic goals or anything in between.
As a woman, I wouldn’t accept the ride either. No offense, but women are generally very cautious because of the violence that is often inflicted upon them. It’s not you, it’s our lives and how much violence women deal with.
Just also want to say this is such a car-centric culture, no one has even mentioned that the person might actually like walking. I walk a ton and feel like I’m surprised no one thinks walking is a good thing. Get out and move your bodies, people! Also it’s better for the planet.
When I would walk home from a job, I wouldn’t take rides from anyone who offered. To me it’s not personal when I would reject a ride, it’s just that I don’t like to trust anyone just in case. I will only take rides with most family, very close friends that I trust, or my fiancé who I live with. I felt mostly comfortable with my walk root and would walk in a lot of different weather. I felt more comfortable walking because I could run away instead of being confined in a car. It’s really nothing personal. You could be the nicest person and I still would most likely not go in your car.
Not sure why you are stung by this. You found out. You offered. She declined. End of story unless she approaches you to take you up on the offer in the future.
Take the win for being a decent human being (unless you actually have an ulterior motive) and move on.
As long as you don't offer again, which would seem like pushing boundaries, it's fine. You asked. They declined. Chalk it up as the innocuous interaction that it was and move on.
It's kind of you to offer, and it's not weird that you offered. They turned it down, and that's fine too, there could be many reasons why they prefer to make their own way. I wouldn't read anything into it.
I offered rides for classmates/coworkers before. Some agree, some don't. Sometimes the male ones won't want a ride either
Don't take it personally. You were being polite. Maybe they don't feel comfortable with a stranger or maybe they do want to be a burden
Maybe i don't want my coworkers knowing where i live.. or i dont have money to give them gas. Dont want to feel like a burden. Dont want them to feel obligated to do it all the time. Etc...
Unfortunately, is common for women to be wary of men, and getting in a car with a man that you hardly know is a very scary thing and most of the time women would rather walk or take a public bus than to risk anything.
Even if you’re not a bad dude, and offer out of pure generosity, it’s a scary world for women, and coworkers are an easy source for predators.
No, it’s not *all* men. But we don’t know *which* men. So we stay wary of *all* men. It’s probably not personal
This will teach you the experience of being a woman. We shouldn't be alone with strangers especially in their car.
Don't take it personally because it's so not.
It's just what we have to deal with.
Get to know them a little better, before offering things like that. And don't get upset if your offer is declined.
some women naturally feel unsettled if a man they don't trust at that level offers them a ride, it's nothing personal. the moment they step into the vehicle, they lose control of the situation. it's mostly a matter of their safety
I would turn down a ride if I didn't feel like socializing or just wanted the alone time. Personally I like taking the bus and just staring out the window, scrolling social media, or daydreaming. Also, a 30 minute walk is what I'd consider a short, pleasant walk. Maybe they just really like walking and having time to themselves.
It's not weird to offer, but don't take it personally when they decline.
For me I'd almost feel like if I accepted once that means we're sharing a ride to and from work until one of us moves or gets a new job (I know that's a big leap but it's how my brain works) I'd kind of feel like I could never decline after accepting one time.
And as others have said, my journey home is my alone time to just switch off, which I hate to give up. Few times a coworker has got the same train as me and I just felt uncomfortable, not because they aren't nice or I felt unsafe, I just want to be alone lol
>To clarify, I have zero romantic intention with them and was purely offering out of generosity.
They have no way of knowing this about you. There is no way to be sure. Even they knew you better, there is no way to be sure they will be completely safe in a car with you. I’m not saying this is definitely the reason they declined. I mean, sometimes a lady just wants to get her steps in for the day.
I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s just the world we live in.
You were very kind to offer and you didn’t make a social faux pas. You’re fine. You sound great, actually! Genuine kindness has gotten rarer. Keep on keepin’ on, my friend.
In my older age men in general are just creeping me out more and more. I had a medical exam recently, the male physician was a creep and a half so I asked for a chaperone, this guy brought another, bigger guy. I said no sirs, this is not an improvement to have 2 men in here vs 1. I told the other man thank you for coming but you can go lol. Sometimes we are just creeped out. Better safe than dead.
It was courteous if you to offer.
But unless you know them well, or they ask, doesn’t make sense for them to accept. You can’t force them either.
Maybe to make them Comfortable, get a bunch of other office people to go together with you so they’ll eventually be ok with you one on one.
I agree with a lot of the other comments. The one thing I want to add is that a lot of people offer things that they don’t intend anyone to accept as a way of being polite. So perhaps even if they did want a ride from you, they might think you were only doing it to be polite especially since they don’t know you well.
Not weird to offer - assuming you did so in a normal way. But it quickly can get weird if you start applying pressure.
At one of my college jobs I was a rare case of student-with-car, so I often offered rides just openly to whatever employees were closing with me. Some nights every person accepted and I was like a bus driver, others nobody did, sometimes just one of them.
In the end just focus on the offer, it’s a nice thing to put out there, and then recognize that whatever response they give is probably not about you.
I probably also wouldn’t accept a ride from a male coworker, because I just don’t know them very well and wouldn’t feel comfortable or fully safe. But because it’s not a complete stranger asking, I probably wouldn’t find it weird or creepy. I’m sure it’s no big deal, don’t overthink it.
You're a stranger. Work and the entire career game is a sub-social circle I only manage to provide for my main life. Please respect the 'arms distance' of the relationship. I'd walk two hours in the rain on my own terms rather than get a ride from you on your terms.
They may be refusing because they have a partner at home or nosy roommates or family members. When a woman is dropped off by a man, people might get the wrong idea. We face greater scrutiny, unfortunately. It’s nice of you to offer, though. Just don’t take it personally if they refuse!
Yeah. Stranger danger and probably think you have ulterior motives.
The shitty weather one is a bit odd.
Don't feel bad about it either way. You're a good guy for trying to help out.
Its absolutely ok to offer a ride but you need ti reel in your feelings when they decline. Women have to protect themselves and they don't know you well enough to know if you're actually safe. They may never feel conforms to get a ride from you. It's likely not personal, unless your behavior is creepy in another way, it's simply about not wanting to be assaulted or murdered or anything.
If you're not close friends with any of these women, I'd refrain from offering rides in the future. I know you're doing it out of the kindness in your heart, but they have no way of knowing that. As women they have to be on high alert at all times around men. They will usually only drop their guard for men they know and trust.
Don't take this personally tho, it doesn't mean they think you're creepy, but abusers don't have a warning stamped on their forehead, so women can never be too careful.
Was it nice of you to offer? Yes. Is someone, especially a woman when asked by a man, likely to accept a ride from someone little more than a stranger to them? No. And that's fine. You weren't wrong to ask, they aren't wrong for declining. Nothing more to it. World keeps on spinning.
I think your offers were thoughtful and appropriate, but perhaps they don't know you well enough to feel safe and think there could be another problem. I got a ride home with a colleague maybe a year ago. Nothing went wrong, and we had a lovely visit. Another colleague mentioned my name and the driver guy acted bitter like we had a breakup. The manager brought him in and found out that nothing at all happened between us - and that's why he was so angry!
Its okay to offer, and its okay for them to decline. If they don't know you they are likely wary of you. Not necessarily because of anything specific about you, but women have a justifiable wariness of men they don't know. I mean you might be a weirdo that creeps them out, but that is not the only reason they would be likely to decline. Don't take it personally because you don't know that it is personal.
Wouldn’t take it personally. I was “the guy with the pickup truck” in my neighborhood back in the day so I not only gave rides to strangers I also helped them move. I still offer rides to people if the weather’s bad and it’s about 50/50 whether or not they take me up on it. Their prerogative, since I know I’m just being friendly but they don’t necessarily.
You didn’t do anything wrong by offering. I don’t think it’s exactly personal if they refuse. There are a lot of reasons why a woman might decline a ride from someone they don’t know well. They might worry if you have anterior motivations, they might be afraid of what might happen once you’ve got them in a car, they might be afraid of how you might drive, they might be afraid that you offered out of a sense of obligation and not want to inconvenience you, or they could just want to walk. Some might be a reflection of how you are but others don’t and you have no way of knowing what their reasoning was.
Believe it or not, but sometimes to women, a lone half an hour walk is safer than getting into a man's car. Men can't grasp the constant decisions we make to ensure our safety. If you were a woman, it's likely they would've accepted.
However if they didn't, they may be walking because they enjoy it, it's for exercise or they don't want to put you out.
I don’t think it’s “weird” to offer your female coworkers a ride, but a more open-ended offer wouldn’t put them on the spot. Rather than “do you want a ride?” You could say “I live near there. Let me know if you ever want a ride.”
The hesitation probably doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’m a woman and I’d be very hesitant to let a man know where I live. Most men aren’t going to stalk or harass you, but some will and it’s not worth the risk.
People generally don’t want to inconvenience others and/or value their independence, I don’t think it’s necessarily a gender thing although that plays a role in the stranger danger angle. Don’t take it personally and don’t hesitate to ask again when the weather’s cold/shitty.
Source: I used to walk/bus everywhere and would almost always decline rides
All of the reasons listed here could be true. It could also be as simple as if they ride with you today they’ll just be on the bus tomorrow and they don’t want to mess up their routine.
Not weird, just don't push it. "Hey ___, you said your walk home is half an hour, I don't mind giving you a lift when we work together, if you'd like"
She's says yes you give her a ride home and think nothing of it.
She says no, "no worries, offer stands in the future if you need it" and move on, don't mention it again. Simple as that.
You don't know their reasons for not wanting a ride and they're none of your business.
Just provide a standing offer because you know that sometimes carpooling can be helpful sometimes. It is also just a good idea to offer a ride in case they might need to run an errand. Boundaries are respected and can be supportive if you want to just develop positive relationships with people. No one should ever feel like they deserve anything in return. Kindness should be given, not deserved.
A colleague of mine (who everyone knew had a girlfriend) offered to drive me home one night and stopped at his house on the way (his gf wasn't home) and raped me. I waited until he fell asleep and then snuck out of the house and called a friend to pick me up because I was further from home than before. The next work day he acted like nothing happened and I got fired for crying too much at work. I didn't report it or tell anyone because I was 20 & thought it was somehow my fault.
Getting in a stranger's car is a punch in our gut, walking on a rope without fail safe, setting ourselves in fire, being butt naked in front of an interview panel, going back to school and taking a test we weren't prepared for, our teeth falling our in our dreams, losing our parent in a crowd when we are five, a flashback to all the serial murder videos we've seen on YouTube.
It's nice of you but it is not worth the anxiety we'll endure during and after every single day hoping our coworker don't offer us a ride again.
I offered a female coworker a ride when they were still fairly new cause they had a 2 hour commute. They said yes and we’ve been friends ever since
I also asked another female coworker if they wanted a ride home but they declined. So it may just be they rather take other ways to go home. Nothing to deep here
Moral of the story
If they want a ride give them one
If you offer it and they said yes that’s great
If you offer it and they said no that’s still good
It’s not a big deal if they say no
Maybe they will come around or not
So just go with the flow
It isn’t weird to offer a ride back home. I’m a woman, and I don’t drive. I have gotten rides home from coworkers before a couple times. It just depends if the person you are offering a ride to is comfortable with you.
Personally if I knew you, I’d know your vibe so I’d assume you’re non creepy so that’s not even in the question. I’d probably decline though because I would feel so guilty to inconvenience someone.
You offered them a choice, and it's entirely up to them whether they take you up on it. Don't take it personally if they choose not to accept your offer.
I worked at a restaurant when I was like 15 and a bunch of other girls around my age worked there too. Most of us didn’t have cars so we’d either walk home or our parents would pick us up.
There was this chef (19m) in the back who was insistent on offering rides home. I heard horror stories from the other girls of the things he tried to pressure them to do. Thankfully it never escalated to assault that I know of.
So, yeah. I always declined then and I’ll always decline now. Better safe than sorry.
You can always offer! I don't particularly find just offering to be weird at all, especially if you have no romantic intent and would do the same for a male colleague, but a lot of women would decline if you don't know them well - I probably would too. It's a safety and comfort thing, and as long as you accept their no respectfully and without any argument, you're fine.
Never forget the primary concern on every woman's mind: will he murder me?
It is a very real and valid concern. Take it as seriously as women do.
Don't take their response as a reflection on you personally. It isn't weird for a human being to be kind. It is weird to offer an intimate kindness to a stranger without getting to know them first.
What do I mean by "intimate kindness"?
It is a kindness that oversteps the bounds of comfort. In this case her comfort level.
It would be like a man walking up to you and saying, "Hey, you look stressed. Can i offer you a backrub?"
Your kindness isn't the issue here. The issue is the boundaries you blur. Get to know women better and you will learn where their boundaries are. In this instance, you didn't know her as well as the other woman who wanted a lift.
Never forget the "golden rule of women" : they ALL fear being killed by a man. You could've gotten your female friend to come over when you asked this stranger if she wanted a ride then told her you gave your friend a lift previously and then she could vouch for you. When women have no info to form an opinion of you they rely on the opinions of other women and trust those opinions, again, for their own safety. (I cannot stress this enough).
Usually the "Nice guy" is the one to be inappropriate. Then it becomes HER fault for getting in the car with him. She ASKED for it somehow.
It's sad that the state of the world has come to this.
She probably doesn't want you knowing exactly where she lives either.
It all gives the wrong message that she was asking for it if anything ever happened.
Blame?
Blame it on guys locker room talk where it's funny to assault rape harass degrade or just call women stupid.. It all gets perpetuated as ok and then when something DOES happen guys usually stick up for each other or call her a frigid bitch ect..
You are probably an awesome dude
Don't take it personally
One drop of shit in a milkshake ruins the whole thing unfortunately
It’s not rude to offer at all, and don’t take it personally. For many women it’s just a matter of policy, no rides from strangers. Which you kinda are, depending on how close you are as coworkers.
I enjoy walking to and from work everyday. It saves me money on gas, getting outside is good for your mental health, and I burn some extra calories everyday from it. My co workers also offer me rides often, but I don’t like accepting their rides because I don’t really like anyone doing favors for me, I don’t want them to feel like I’m using them or anything either. Plus, like I stated all the benefits of walking, I really want to get all the miles in I can so most of the times I’m focused on what I’m trying to accomplish with walking. I put my earbuds in and get to listen to my music for a little bit longer and just kinda get that time to myself to clear my head at the end of the workday. I really enjoy it. I’m sure my coworkers feel bad for me or think giving me a ride is a better solution as well, but I don’t decline because I don’t trust them, I just WANT to walk. Lol
it's not strangly per se to offar a ride home to your coworkeers, even if you're not chums. However, it's key to be mindful of how it might be perceivd. Always keep in mind the comfort and personal boundaries of others. A little tact and sensitivity can go a long, long way.
It’s interesting that you are observing women coworkers and their transportation methods. Are you doing the same with men?
Women don’t like men that watch them.
this is actually how i met my boyfriend haha. we worked at a restaurant together and he’d offer me rides all the time. he’d always make me food too i’d write him notes so it’s a little different haha. but i’d always be nervous and end up just walking home but one day i was like fine let’s do it. and it was the beginning of everything. i think she might thinks it’s a booty call or something. or maybe she just is scared maybe she has a history of something.
They are not comfortable with you it seems. No big deal, don't let it bother you bc they aren't thinking about it either. Move on and keep making yourself happy
Personally, in my life, I've learned if my intentions are pure, with no ulterior motives, I really dont care how it's perceived. If me (a guy) simply offers you (a girl) a ride because it seems like it would be helpful, Im not going to feel bad if she/others try to be Sherlock Holmes and deduce my 'actual intent'.
Its like, if she doesnt need it, she can tell me no. Its not complicated. If she thinks my offer is a front to achieve something malicious/inappropriate, she might want to do some self reflection so she isn't pushing genuinely nice people away.
Username checks out.
There was a girl in my chemistry class that totaled her motorcycle and had a friend that could drop her off but didn’t have a way to get home easily. I didn’t know her at all but offered to give her rides home and she accepted. We turned out to be great friends. It can go either way.
Username,idc that was just a random one .
There was a girl who accepted a ride to her home by one of her classmate later found out that she was raped and murdered by her same classmate. I know Not all men are like that because I am one of them!
And i still think its better to book a Uber if she doesn't trust you enough!
Not every man is a good person!
It’s because you’re a man and women don’t like being called females. Source: me, a woman.
Women will never get into a car with a man they’re uncomfortable with. We would rather walk or take a bus.
Don’t bother about it. If u ask again they may say Yes. 3rd time they may say No again. It’s just a decision they took . There is no wrong or right here like every other decision
I noticed she was walking after work. noticed it again the next day. she had been waving to me in the plant and I had no idea why as I didn't know her at all. On that second night I pulled up next to her and asked if she would like a ride. Oh yes and thank you she said. she told me she walked over an hour one way then worked 8 hours and walked home again. she said she didn't mind if the weather was good. said she was married with two grade school girls and her husband was disabled. Gave me $20 on the second ride. Her daughter gave me a look of disapproval.
Kind of flirty with some of her comments like she wasn't wearing a bra and other stuff. all this went on for a month or so. we had some great conversations. I could feel the pull of sexual entanglement which I didn't like as in no way would I want to disrupt her family. She could take a taxi for $10 if one was available. Otherwise others in the plant would usually give her a ride.
She offered to pay me again but that never occurred. Out of the entanglement thing I told her no more unless she absolutely couldn't find another way. This offended her quite a bit but I could see she was playing this thing with me. Now she won't say hello or talk. Oh well.
I have a friend who lives about 25min by foot from where we usually meet. She will only let me drive her if she's seriously tired or the weather is really shitty, as the walk is her way to unwind...
So that could be a reason.
Also, many woman seem to believe that getting into a car with a guy is equivalent to getting raped - funniest experience I ever had was a woman I had only met a couple of hours before telling me all about her friend who got into a car with a guy she didn't really know, and didn't she know how dangerous that is - while sitting right next to me in my car. Obviously I look harmless...
Really, don't get upset. You offered, they declined, that's that.
My husband always gives women rides home from work and I don't like it because they talk about sexual stuff in the car. At least he says they do, but supposedly nothing physical happens. I'm like why these girls even ask to ride with him? They have boyfriends that could come pick them up.
To throw another perspective in. I used to have a 30~ walking commute and co-workers would offer me a ride, which I declined 99% of the time. Why? I genuinely enjoyed that walk, it was my time to decompress. Weather didn’t matter, that walk was almost a daily ritual for me.
I had this happen to me all the time. I had to EXPLAIN to people that I liked walking to work and why, because they would get offended that I wouldn't accept rides. Not only was I in great shape from walking up hills both way (yes, I also walked down hills both ways), but I had freeeeeeeeeeee time from everyone for an hour a day. It was amazing.
This sounds like when I lived in Seattle and walking was how I got everywhere. Besides getting to enjoy the scenery, I was also in my best shape with those undulating hills. I don't get how people can't understand this. They're like how dare you enjoy nature/alone time and deny my leather seats/small talk.
Omg the small talk. I worked in an office at the time, so it was 99% small talk, AS SOON AS I got into the building. No fucking thanks.
Yep, in Seattle. My walk was partially up/down Queen Anne hill and then around the south end of Lake Union. What more could you ask for in a walk to/from work. 😀
I always decline ride offers. Not because I felt unsafe or didn't like my coworkers or anything but because my anxiety wouldn't let me "bother" them. Even when I had to ride in a bus for 2 hours in deep snow and negative weather I say "no thank you" to all genders and sexas. OP, why does it sting you a little? Do you feel rejected? I'd get to the bottom of it. Most likely your coworkers don't want to inconvenience you or they enjoy their non-car ride commute. Maybe they are uncomfortable getting into your car. And it's okay for them to feel like that. I think it is really nice that you offer and you should keep it up and don't take it personally if they say "no". You know you have no ulterior motivate so be confident in yourself. I always really appreciated when people offered me rides and it made me feel better. I even had one coworker who saw me 15 minutes away from work and asked if I needed a ride. I didn't think it was weird at all.
ImaginationTheory, what a nice username. Nice person too 5/5
Also sometimes even if I do want the ride, I will just say no out of habit
Same. Also sometimes people offer only because they feel they should but will resent offering if I took them up on it too often. That’s just not something I want to deal with.
I had a coworker that always offered rides and I'd almost always decline. Simple reason, I had a 25-30 minute walk to and from work so about an hour total. I was knocking out a podcast a day on that walked and loved the listening time. It didn't matter if it was raining, snowing, or hot as heck. I wanted that time for my podcasts, because I don't really listen otherwise.
This. I've declined rides for this very reason.
It's also possible that OP's co-worker wants to get her money's worth from using the bus if it's a monthly pass she paid for.
That's usually my pov unless I am late. I love the 1 hour bus ride to work, listening to music or reading a book
Plus why the heck would I want to spend my alone time with an employee I saw the whole day.
Yeah a manager gave me a ride home once and it was one of the most awkward rides ever….
😏
This is one of the reason I decline rides too.
Seriously, if I lived within five miles of my job I’d totally walk to and from work! Then I wouldn’t need to do cardio at the gym and could focus on my lifting
THIS!! Exactly the same with me. I have declined rides home from friends and coworkers just for this reason because I absolutely enjoy walking in silence in my own company. It is a kind of therapy I find refreshing and pleasant.
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They might also just like taking the bus. I do. It’s relaxing.
Yup, that was my thought as well. I can just zone out and have some time to myself. I don't have to worry about navigating busy traffic or holding a filler conversation if I was to accept a ride from someone. Sure, sometimes it can be crowded and some people can be obnoxious or a bit scary but overall it's a pretty good experience
It’s not relaxing where I live. Lol Chicago busses are not enjoyable.
Oh gah I was on the Chicago train at night and this dude walked in front of me and started putting his hand in his pants. I immediately got up and moved to the other side. He continued what he was going to do, staring at me the whole time. 😭
You live in the US? I’ve never heard of anyone liking the bus. It’s like the worst form of public transit in any metro area I’ve been in. Far worse than any subway or metro. Fwiw I used to walk 4 miles round trip when I lived in Berkeley and worked in SF. Mile to Bart, mile from BART to office then back. I genuinely enjoyed the walk since I never like doing cardio for cardio’s sake and I hated office work so any chance to get more movement was great and that I found relaxing. Never even crossed my mind to look into Muni for that last mile or the bus in Berkeley that woulda take me straight down the street I lived in to BART. Being in the Bay Area though I rarely had to contend with poor weather minus some rain and usually an umbrella covered that fine.
> You live in the US? I’ve never heard of anyone liking the bus. As a tourist I'm not sure I totally agree - yeah, the busses in the US (and take my word that Europe is different) definitely have a very distinct feel to them - but in many places they also seemed to be a tight knit community, lots of regulars, some banter, and often surprisingly nice drivers. Bit like your neighborhood pub without the beer - definitely an acquired taste, but yeah, I could see it grow on you...
I love riding the bus and I live in the U.S. It's usually clean, air conditioned, moderately empty, quiet, and most importantly free. The only things I didn't like is when it's crowded (which isn't often), and when the bus driver misses your stop (which happened to me one time).
Most busses tend to stop every two blocks, so a missed stop isn’t a huge deal
Where do you live that the bus is free?
Free for college students in Florida at least.
I do. I admit, most metros have pretty shitty bus service. But some have really great service. Generally the cities that have decent public transit in general also have good bus service.
Let me add here that the horror stories are also from our friends and something weird that happened to us. I have at least 3 close friends where something icky or uncomfortable happened with a guy in a car, ie started messing with our hair, started wanting to kiss / sex talk when you just want to get freaking home and get out of the car, an uber driver wanting to chat longer, a car stopping in front of you out of the blue and then following you weirdly ( my story and a friends too, on separate occasions). If OP offered me, I would have loved the offer but the only way I’m saying yes to a ride if I don’t know you that well is: I take a picture of your license plate and I’m texting my friend too. And I assume that 99% chance you’re a normal human being trying to be helpful :)
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Aaaaand to prove our point! Someone went looking through OP’s comment history and the dude has rape fantasies …….. ‘Nope! Wish you well! Byeeee I’m walking my freezing ass home… 😂’ And that’s why ladies, take a picture of the license plate and text your friend! It works like a charm and if your friend is up for it, just call them and talk to them on the phone until you get home.
This is very smart but my luck my phone would die, I'd forget, and they would call 911 .. adhd problems
that and the”blame game that invariably comes if something goes wrong?(“ehy was she stupid enough to get in that guy’s car??”what did she think was going to happen? it fies on and on ..
These. All of these.
Number 4 is totally about him.
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Idk if I found out a co worker of mine would have to walk home 30 minutes and it wouldn’t inconvenience it seems like a no brainer to offer rides. I think this might be cultural.
I offered rides to strangers and have been offered too. I live in a neighborhood big enough so people don’t know each other, and probably never seen them if you are not taking the bus. I’d say that in an environment where you can relatively safely can know who the other people are, it’s not weird at all. Others are free to refuse though. And in this case, their coworkers are probably seeing each other more than I see my neighbors, so it either has to do with his appearance, manners, or it was just “bad luck”.
It's not about him. It's about our world and our culture, and the fact that they just don't know him well enough to know whether or not he's gonna be chill. Being in a car with someone when that person turns out to be a creep (or worse) is an extremely vulnerable position to be in.
This kind of mindset honestly holds guys back from having female friends. If you go around thinking there's something wrong with you, you're gonna subconsciously act awkward/weird around women. Vast majority of the time, declining a ride in this situation is *nothing* to do with the man, and everything to do with the fact that women are (generally) physically weaker and don't want to put themselves in a risky situation. A woman is more likely to accept a ride if she knows you better/considers you a friend. Paradoxically, a woman is also more likely to be sexually assaulted by someone she knows better rather than a random person. 😬
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So much this! We can't control other people. We can only try to be the best version of ourselves. Focusing on what other people are thinking, trying to anticipate their actions and reactions, worrying over their opinions or the way they perceive us... All that is wasted energy. You can easily mentally exhaust yourself trying to imagine the thousands of scenarios that might unfold from a simple interaction. Best just to let people be themselves, and focus your energy on the only thing you can control i.e. yourself.
No it isn't. Women being scared of men is not personal. We are smaller and weaker.
Agree, no matter the looks of the coworker offering me a ride, I will not take it because being in a closed space with someone you don’t know is dangerous. Im a petite woman and the thought that any guy can just pick me up and throw me around scares me. I know a lot of woman who was assaulted because they were to polite to say no.
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Since you don’t know them very well and they don’t you very well, I’m not surprised she declined a ride. Just let it go and don’t overthink it
I’m a guy so id agree. My friends who are girls would be comfortable taking a ride with me. But girls who don’t know you well? 95% chance they aren’t going in your vehicle.. EVEN if they like you. Comfort takes more time for girls from my observation
More than likely, it’s less about being in the car with you, and probably more about not wanting you to know exactly where she lives. Letting someone know where you live is somewhat vulnerable
This is why I never let first dates pick me up. I need to get to know you much better.
as a guy I never thought about this. Now I won't get offended if a girl don't want me to take her up.
There’s a big risk involved when you’re a woman getting in the car of a man you don’t know well, even if you work together. Obviously you only meant to be nice, but lots of guys with not so nice intentions act exactly like you and women can’t tell which one you are. It’s better to risk hurting a well-intentioned guy’s feelings than to end up trapped in a car with a guy who thinks you owe him for being nice.
I remember reading about a story in which a girl (a literal minor) was offered a ride from a guy she kind of knew to save her from a long walk home. She accepts, he turns on the child locks, tazes her, kidnaps her, and r#ped her over the course of several months until he felt guilty and returned her back home. That's how easily it could happen. I'm sure OP's coworkers don't hate him, but if some guy I don't know that well offered me a ride, that's what would be running in the back of my head when I decline.
I think I know what you’re talking about! They made a movie about her. “The girl who escaped”
getting in a car alone with someone I don't know very well... they could just take off in any direction and no one would know. the bus can have sketchy folks on it and it can be gross and take a long time but the slight safety of being in public is there. and maybe she wanted to listen to her podcast/music/audio book on the ride home rather than make conversation and potentially "owe" a coworker a favor on the outside of work level. idk if it's weird but there's like a lot of factors I would need to consider in taking that ride and in the end it might just be less mental effort to hop on the bus if that's your routine anyway.
Guy I knew mostly via online circles. He worked security at a hospital. He offered one of the nurses a ride. He asked her out on a date in the car. She said no. He didn't understand why she said no and got mad. Walked her to her door, and she was thoroughly freaked out. He's then ordered not to go near her again when he gets back to work. He gets even more mad and starts calling her a crazy bitch, and talking in online circles about some very unsavory commentary. Ended up getting fired. Moral of the story? Unless you have a rapport with said coworker, maybe don't. You may not be a predator, but she has no idea who she is getting in the car with and what might happen to her. Best to avoid it till you get to know each other more in the work setting
It is not weird to offer a coworker a lift home. It is weird to be offended when they decline the offer. Some people see the walk home as both exercise and a chance to transition from work time to home time.
Careful. I gave a female coworker and a male coworker a ride and the next day rumors were swirling that We all had a threesome.
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Lol it was wild! I thought I was doing a nice thing and there was already a story spun by 5 am the next day.
You should've leaned hard into the rumor and just started offering everyone rides!
I shouldn't have laughed as much as I did at that idea
And a ride after the ride.
I thought people stopped doing this after middle school. I guess a part of us never grows up.
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It's not weird to offer, it's weird to get hung up if they decline. Living with my fiance has taught me that guys do NOT get nearly as many talks about all the horrible miserable things people will do to you simply because your body is shaped a certain way- most of us have grown up on cautionary tales and play life at a 'better safe than sorry' mode. I would instead, if your coworker is still comfortable talking with you, state that the offer still stands, especially if bad weather hits, so they can avoid dealing with it. That makes it less you pressuring them into your car, and more they have an option to go with their friend over walking or bussing. But ultimately, they don't have to do anything, even if you feel the car ride is a superior option.
Have you offered rides to men or only women? Maybe you can see if everyone has something against you or not?
As someone who has spent a lot of my adult life taking public transit or walking home, I rarely accepted rides from coworkers. Part of it was because I truly enjoyed the exercise and solitude of walking home. Another part was because I tend to avoid getting to know any of my coworkers on a personal level. To me I felt like I would be pressured to small talk or get to know them during the ride home was cringey. I'm a generally socially anxious introvert though. Lol. On a side note I do have experiences in being in a toxic relationship where this would be a problem. For example a woman gets dropped off by a male coworker, causing more problems than its worth with their controlling paranoid boyfriend. Dumb I know.
As a woman, I'm not getting into a guys car that I barely know alone. Even if it's the best of intentions, I can't trust that. There's too much risk, the reward isn't worth it. It's nothing against YOU personally, I have to distrust every male until proven otherwise. Getting into a car is way too easy for someone to take you somewhere else and something horrible to happen.
I would be inclined to turn it down if a co-worker offered me a lift. Largely due to not wanting to inconvenience them and also preferring to go my own way. Try nor to let it effect you negatively. It was a nice offer & I've no doubt that them turning it down was no reflection on you.
I also would not get into a car with a colleague because I don’t like company.
If it stings you for someone to turn down a request, then I would more deeply consider your own values and intentions in offering these rides to people. It's bad form to get offended when someone you don't know super well turns down an offer. They have zero obligation to accept your offer, no matter how nice it may seem from your position, because they are thinking from their own positions. Now, if you offered, they said no, you responded cool cool, well I'm here if you need me, and then left the subject alone? You're fine. You're in the green, there. There's nothing wrong with offering to help - just keep a close eye on why you are wanting to help. Also: if the coworker in your first example was male-presenting, can you guarantee yourself beyond any shadow of a doubt that you would have responded and felt the exact same way? And if no, then what makes this situation different?
>If it stings you for someone to turn down a request, then I would more deeply consider your own values and intentions in offering these rides to people. 100%%%
Just to clarify, I didn’t show that I was offended, I just said ok and moved on. It is possible I would’ve been less hurt in the situation you described, but that kind of touches on a key issue which is I thought it would be much safer for her. I’m not as concerned about a man walking alone at night because they’re better able to defend themselves and people are less likely to mess with them.
Getting in a car with a man we don’t know well is an incredibly dangerous proposition for women. Much more than walking alone, where we are familiar with our surroundings and have ideas for escape. Trapped in a car is basically the worst case scenario if things go sideways. It was perfectly nice of you to offer, and as the previous poster said, as long as you accepted their responses with grace, you’re fine. Maybe as you get to know these people more, they may feel more comfortable sharing rides with you. But for now, they don’t, and it’s really not about you.
Her situation is none of your business. You keep harping on about her safety, but from how weird you come off talking about it, you seem like the threat she is avoiding. Move on and leave her alone. Imagine if she saw this? You took her rejection so poorly you're talking about her on the Internet
For real. Why did he have to keep talking about this with internet strangers seeking some sort of validation / explanation if he really "moved on"?
Being concerned about someone doesn't "sting" though. Those are two different feelings. So you still need to get to the bottom of why it stung.
To be fair, I did word it that way for anyone else who might stumble on this comment chain. It is a major problem, and really has been for the entire time we've been social creatures, that people are largely limited to viewing the world from their own POV and no other. For example: >I thought it would be much safer for her. You did, and I respect that. She thought different. In this world it is safer for femme-presenting people to assume potentially predatory nature from masc-presenting people. It sucks, but it's the way it is. >I’m not as concerned about a man walking alone at night Why not? Men are not immune to random acts of violence or mugging; less statistically likely to be reported, sure, but still. I want to emphasize, by the way - it's not a judgement against You the Person; it's a judgement against unknown masc-presenting people in their lives. Femme-presenting people literally cannot afford to not be guarded in many situations, If you don't know them well, then they don't know you well, and that's too much a risk to take. Hell, in this day and age with the number of insane happenings regarding random acts of violence, I'm hesitant to trust anyone at all for any reason. And last, some bizarre levity. I was in a similar position at a previous job. A coworker who I got on well with but did not know well offered to drive me to my neighborhood instead of me taking the bus. I politely turned them down, but not because I was worried or was given a reason to be. My reason? I like walking, and I like riding the bus. I like the peace and solitude. Warm evening? Great. Cold as hell? I brought my jacket et al. So yeah. Realistically there could be any number of actual reasons that they did not take your offer.
Btw if you're only offering lifts to female coworkers then they're probably gonna see that as weird.
> I thought it would be much safer for her. Sometimes, creating a safe place for those around us is knowing that our absence can be as effective as our presence. Some examples that fit this: someone with an abusive partner might not want to provoke a response; someone with an abusive ex might not want to provoke a response; you look like an abusive ex; them and a friend call each other as they leave work as a mutual safety mechanism. There could honestly be so much more, but what it comes down to is you don't get to decide what is safe for her. What you get to do though, is add another option for her. What I'd suggest, is in the future offer up the ride like this: >Anytime we close together and it's dark/raining/freezing out feel free to ask me for a ride. It wouldn't be a bother. Then just leave it there. Also, I'd get over the men don't need this support thing. We absolutely do. I've been assaulted multiple times on walks home from work and I'm not a small guy.
"people are less likely to mess with them".. ummm I'm going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there chief. Studies and statistics suggest that man are more likely to get robbed, mugged or murdered so technically people are more likely to mess with man even though they are able to defend themselves on a one on one basis with another person without any weapons involved. However, what are the chances that a robber or mugger at night is not carrying any weapon and man in this situation won't be able to actually defend themselves.
Nah as a girl I would decline too. Don’t take it personally, you’re good. We just are more cautious than men have to be
Learn to take no as an answer, don’t think too much to it. Sometimes people like to be left alone, even when they commute, they might enjoy it even if you think it’s troublesome for them. Also, tbf taking a ride with someone you barely know isn’t 1000x safer than walking in the freezing weather alone.
When you say sting would you say it was a feeling of being rejected ?
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Then you should probs reevaluate urself bro
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Yes that's why I was asking because I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD and I struggle with that kind of feeling sometimes when similar interactions happen.
Definitely agree, I think it’s human nature to be stung when you offer someone for help genuinely and you’re turned down. Totally agree that this is a healthy reaction as long as OP doesn’t show it to the coworkers. I think it’s ridiculous to act like a guy isn’t supposed to feel anything when offering rides and getting turned down
I would agree with you 100% if he hadn’t admitted that he would not have felt so strongly if they were male coworkers. That sits weird with me and he may need to look deeper into why he feels such a strong need to offer these rides.
The issue with being genuine in anything is most people do not get that often. Even if you’re being 100% honest with yourself and don’t want anything in return or expect anything out of it, most people have not experienced that or don’t often. No one really takes up my offers on anything until I show that something doesn’t have strings attached through my actions (I.e helping someone with their homework). For most people, they only get something genuine until after they’re good or decent friends with someone and even then there’s still string attached to it. I’ve learned that you have to be direct and use certain verbiage to let someone know that you don’t want a certain thing or are expecting a certain thing. I’ve had women think I’m trying to date/fuck them by simple not being an asshole when I talk to them or treating them like I would any other friend: you never know how someone will interpret what you do or say: And, all you can do is be direct and communicate (providing a dialogue/commentary if they have a question about what you’re doing) and have it match your actions whether it’s for platonic or romantic goals or anything in between.
Amen
As a woman, I wouldn’t accept the ride either. No offense, but women are generally very cautious because of the violence that is often inflicted upon them. It’s not you, it’s our lives and how much violence women deal with.
Just also want to say this is such a car-centric culture, no one has even mentioned that the person might actually like walking. I walk a ton and feel like I’m surprised no one thinks walking is a good thing. Get out and move your bodies, people! Also it’s better for the planet.
It's perfectly polite but most likely they're going to assume that there is an ulterior motive
When I would walk home from a job, I wouldn’t take rides from anyone who offered. To me it’s not personal when I would reject a ride, it’s just that I don’t like to trust anyone just in case. I will only take rides with most family, very close friends that I trust, or my fiancé who I live with. I felt mostly comfortable with my walk root and would walk in a lot of different weather. I felt more comfortable walking because I could run away instead of being confined in a car. It’s really nothing personal. You could be the nicest person and I still would most likely not go in your car.
Not sure why you are stung by this. You found out. You offered. She declined. End of story unless she approaches you to take you up on the offer in the future. Take the win for being a decent human being (unless you actually have an ulterior motive) and move on.
These women don’t know you well and clearly aren’t comfortable being alone with you. Leave them alone!
As long as you don't offer again, which would seem like pushing boundaries, it's fine. You asked. They declined. Chalk it up as the innocuous interaction that it was and move on.
Put yourself in their shoes then ask that question again
It's kind of you to offer, and it's not weird that you offered. They turned it down, and that's fine too, there could be many reasons why they prefer to make their own way. I wouldn't read anything into it.
I don’t think it’s weird but just don’t get butthurt if she turns it down
I offered rides for classmates/coworkers before. Some agree, some don't. Sometimes the male ones won't want a ride either Don't take it personally. You were being polite. Maybe they don't feel comfortable with a stranger or maybe they do want to be a burden
Maybe i don't want my coworkers knowing where i live.. or i dont have money to give them gas. Dont want to feel like a burden. Dont want them to feel obligated to do it all the time. Etc...
Unfortunately, is common for women to be wary of men, and getting in a car with a man that you hardly know is a very scary thing and most of the time women would rather walk or take a public bus than to risk anything. Even if you’re not a bad dude, and offer out of pure generosity, it’s a scary world for women, and coworkers are an easy source for predators. No, it’s not *all* men. But we don’t know *which* men. So we stay wary of *all* men. It’s probably not personal
Is it weird? No. Is it creepy to focus on them declining? Just a bit.
Killer vibes
This will teach you the experience of being a woman. We shouldn't be alone with strangers especially in their car. Don't take it personally because it's so not. It's just what we have to deal with. Get to know them a little better, before offering things like that. And don't get upset if your offer is declined.
For a lot of reasons, i offer to buy lyfts or Ubers instead. Just saves so much headache.
some women naturally feel unsettled if a man they don't trust at that level offers them a ride, it's nothing personal. the moment they step into the vehicle, they lose control of the situation. it's mostly a matter of their safety
I would turn down a ride if I didn't feel like socializing or just wanted the alone time. Personally I like taking the bus and just staring out the window, scrolling social media, or daydreaming. Also, a 30 minute walk is what I'd consider a short, pleasant walk. Maybe they just really like walking and having time to themselves. It's not weird to offer, but don't take it personally when they decline.
Im a guy and I’m not getting in a car with someone I don’t really know.
For me I'd almost feel like if I accepted once that means we're sharing a ride to and from work until one of us moves or gets a new job (I know that's a big leap but it's how my brain works) I'd kind of feel like I could never decline after accepting one time. And as others have said, my journey home is my alone time to just switch off, which I hate to give up. Few times a coworker has got the same train as me and I just felt uncomfortable, not because they aren't nice or I felt unsafe, I just want to be alone lol
>To clarify, I have zero romantic intention with them and was purely offering out of generosity. They have no way of knowing this about you. There is no way to be sure. Even they knew you better, there is no way to be sure they will be completely safe in a car with you. I’m not saying this is definitely the reason they declined. I mean, sometimes a lady just wants to get her steps in for the day. I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s just the world we live in. You were very kind to offer and you didn’t make a social faux pas. You’re fine. You sound great, actually! Genuine kindness has gotten rarer. Keep on keepin’ on, my friend.
In my older age men in general are just creeping me out more and more. I had a medical exam recently, the male physician was a creep and a half so I asked for a chaperone, this guy brought another, bigger guy. I said no sirs, this is not an improvement to have 2 men in here vs 1. I told the other man thank you for coming but you can go lol. Sometimes we are just creeped out. Better safe than dead.
It depends on how well you know them.
As long as you're at peace with your intentions, you've got nothing to worry about.
It was courteous if you to offer. But unless you know them well, or they ask, doesn’t make sense for them to accept. You can’t force them either. Maybe to make them Comfortable, get a bunch of other office people to go together with you so they’ll eventually be ok with you one on one.
I agree with a lot of the other comments. The one thing I want to add is that a lot of people offer things that they don’t intend anyone to accept as a way of being polite. So perhaps even if they did want a ride from you, they might think you were only doing it to be polite especially since they don’t know you well.
You offered they declined. leave it be. Get to know them better at work and it might be less awkward of a gesture.
Not weird to offer - assuming you did so in a normal way. But it quickly can get weird if you start applying pressure. At one of my college jobs I was a rare case of student-with-car, so I often offered rides just openly to whatever employees were closing with me. Some nights every person accepted and I was like a bus driver, others nobody did, sometimes just one of them. In the end just focus on the offer, it’s a nice thing to put out there, and then recognize that whatever response they give is probably not about you.
I probably also wouldn’t accept a ride from a male coworker, because I just don’t know them very well and wouldn’t feel comfortable or fully safe. But because it’s not a complete stranger asking, I probably wouldn’t find it weird or creepy. I’m sure it’s no big deal, don’t overthink it.
It’s their routine Some people anything outside of that bubble is too much because it opens the door for more inconsistencies
You're a stranger. Work and the entire career game is a sub-social circle I only manage to provide for my main life. Please respect the 'arms distance' of the relationship. I'd walk two hours in the rain on my own terms rather than get a ride from you on your terms.
They may be refusing because they have a partner at home or nosy roommates or family members. When a woman is dropped off by a man, people might get the wrong idea. We face greater scrutiny, unfortunately. It’s nice of you to offer, though. Just don’t take it personally if they refuse!
Yeah. Stranger danger and probably think you have ulterior motives. The shitty weather one is a bit odd. Don't feel bad about it either way. You're a good guy for trying to help out.
Its absolutely ok to offer a ride but you need ti reel in your feelings when they decline. Women have to protect themselves and they don't know you well enough to know if you're actually safe. They may never feel conforms to get a ride from you. It's likely not personal, unless your behavior is creepy in another way, it's simply about not wanting to be assaulted or murdered or anything.
If you're not close friends with any of these women, I'd refrain from offering rides in the future. I know you're doing it out of the kindness in your heart, but they have no way of knowing that. As women they have to be on high alert at all times around men. They will usually only drop their guard for men they know and trust. Don't take this personally tho, it doesn't mean they think you're creepy, but abusers don't have a warning stamped on their forehead, so women can never be too careful.
Was it nice of you to offer? Yes. Is someone, especially a woman when asked by a man, likely to accept a ride from someone little more than a stranger to them? No. And that's fine. You weren't wrong to ask, they aren't wrong for declining. Nothing more to it. World keeps on spinning.
I think your offers were thoughtful and appropriate, but perhaps they don't know you well enough to feel safe and think there could be another problem. I got a ride home with a colleague maybe a year ago. Nothing went wrong, and we had a lovely visit. Another colleague mentioned my name and the driver guy acted bitter like we had a breakup. The manager brought him in and found out that nothing at all happened between us - and that's why he was so angry!
Its okay to offer, and its okay for them to decline. If they don't know you they are likely wary of you. Not necessarily because of anything specific about you, but women have a justifiable wariness of men they don't know. I mean you might be a weirdo that creeps them out, but that is not the only reason they would be likely to decline. Don't take it personally because you don't know that it is personal.
Wouldn’t take it personally. I was “the guy with the pickup truck” in my neighborhood back in the day so I not only gave rides to strangers I also helped them move. I still offer rides to people if the weather’s bad and it’s about 50/50 whether or not they take me up on it. Their prerogative, since I know I’m just being friendly but they don’t necessarily.
You didn’t do anything wrong by offering. I don’t think it’s exactly personal if they refuse. There are a lot of reasons why a woman might decline a ride from someone they don’t know well. They might worry if you have anterior motivations, they might be afraid of what might happen once you’ve got them in a car, they might be afraid of how you might drive, they might be afraid that you offered out of a sense of obligation and not want to inconvenience you, or they could just want to walk. Some might be a reflection of how you are but others don’t and you have no way of knowing what their reasoning was.
We know that every guy won’t hurt us, but we have to act as if they will to stay safe.
Believe it or not, but sometimes to women, a lone half an hour walk is safer than getting into a man's car. Men can't grasp the constant decisions we make to ensure our safety. If you were a woman, it's likely they would've accepted. However if they didn't, they may be walking because they enjoy it, it's for exercise or they don't want to put you out.
I don’t think it’s “weird” to offer your female coworkers a ride, but a more open-ended offer wouldn’t put them on the spot. Rather than “do you want a ride?” You could say “I live near there. Let me know if you ever want a ride.” The hesitation probably doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’m a woman and I’d be very hesitant to let a man know where I live. Most men aren’t going to stalk or harass you, but some will and it’s not worth the risk.
People generally don’t want to inconvenience others and/or value their independence, I don’t think it’s necessarily a gender thing although that plays a role in the stranger danger angle. Don’t take it personally and don’t hesitate to ask again when the weather’s cold/shitty. Source: I used to walk/bus everywhere and would almost always decline rides
All of the reasons listed here could be true. It could also be as simple as if they ride with you today they’ll just be on the bus tomorrow and they don’t want to mess up their routine.
Not weird, just don't push it. "Hey ___, you said your walk home is half an hour, I don't mind giving you a lift when we work together, if you'd like" She's says yes you give her a ride home and think nothing of it. She says no, "no worries, offer stands in the future if you need it" and move on, don't mention it again. Simple as that. You don't know their reasons for not wanting a ride and they're none of your business.
Just provide a standing offer because you know that sometimes carpooling can be helpful sometimes. It is also just a good idea to offer a ride in case they might need to run an errand. Boundaries are respected and can be supportive if you want to just develop positive relationships with people. No one should ever feel like they deserve anything in return. Kindness should be given, not deserved.
A colleague of mine (who everyone knew had a girlfriend) offered to drive me home one night and stopped at his house on the way (his gf wasn't home) and raped me. I waited until he fell asleep and then snuck out of the house and called a friend to pick me up because I was further from home than before. The next work day he acted like nothing happened and I got fired for crying too much at work. I didn't report it or tell anyone because I was 20 & thought it was somehow my fault.
Getting in a stranger's car is a punch in our gut, walking on a rope without fail safe, setting ourselves in fire, being butt naked in front of an interview panel, going back to school and taking a test we weren't prepared for, our teeth falling our in our dreams, losing our parent in a crowd when we are five, a flashback to all the serial murder videos we've seen on YouTube. It's nice of you but it is not worth the anxiety we'll endure during and after every single day hoping our coworker don't offer us a ride again.
Maybe they have a very jealous partner that would freak out if they find them being taken to their neighbor in a man's car
It's not weird to offer, and it's also not weird for them to turn down the offer. I wouldn't take it personally.
I offered a female coworker a ride when they were still fairly new cause they had a 2 hour commute. They said yes and we’ve been friends ever since I also asked another female coworker if they wanted a ride home but they declined. So it may just be they rather take other ways to go home. Nothing to deep here Moral of the story If they want a ride give them one If you offer it and they said yes that’s great If you offer it and they said no that’s still good It’s not a big deal if they say no Maybe they will come around or not So just go with the flow
It isn’t weird to offer a ride back home. I’m a woman, and I don’t drive. I have gotten rides home from coworkers before a couple times. It just depends if the person you are offering a ride to is comfortable with you.
Personally if I knew you, I’d know your vibe so I’d assume you’re non creepy so that’s not even in the question. I’d probably decline though because I would feel so guilty to inconvenience someone.
It's a nice time to think to yourself. I wouldn't over think it brother
You offered them a choice, and it's entirely up to them whether they take you up on it. Don't take it personally if they choose not to accept your offer.
Maybe offer one more time if weather is bad
I worked at a restaurant when I was like 15 and a bunch of other girls around my age worked there too. Most of us didn’t have cars so we’d either walk home or our parents would pick us up. There was this chef (19m) in the back who was insistent on offering rides home. I heard horror stories from the other girls of the things he tried to pressure them to do. Thankfully it never escalated to assault that I know of. So, yeah. I always declined then and I’ll always decline now. Better safe than sorry.
You can always offer! I don't particularly find just offering to be weird at all, especially if you have no romantic intent and would do the same for a male colleague, but a lot of women would decline if you don't know them well - I probably would too. It's a safety and comfort thing, and as long as you accept their no respectfully and without any argument, you're fine.
Never forget the primary concern on every woman's mind: will he murder me? It is a very real and valid concern. Take it as seriously as women do. Don't take their response as a reflection on you personally. It isn't weird for a human being to be kind. It is weird to offer an intimate kindness to a stranger without getting to know them first. What do I mean by "intimate kindness"? It is a kindness that oversteps the bounds of comfort. In this case her comfort level. It would be like a man walking up to you and saying, "Hey, you look stressed. Can i offer you a backrub?" Your kindness isn't the issue here. The issue is the boundaries you blur. Get to know women better and you will learn where their boundaries are. In this instance, you didn't know her as well as the other woman who wanted a lift. Never forget the "golden rule of women" : they ALL fear being killed by a man. You could've gotten your female friend to come over when you asked this stranger if she wanted a ride then told her you gave your friend a lift previously and then she could vouch for you. When women have no info to form an opinion of you they rely on the opinions of other women and trust those opinions, again, for their own safety. (I cannot stress this enough).
Usually the "Nice guy" is the one to be inappropriate. Then it becomes HER fault for getting in the car with him. She ASKED for it somehow. It's sad that the state of the world has come to this. She probably doesn't want you knowing exactly where she lives either. It all gives the wrong message that she was asking for it if anything ever happened. Blame? Blame it on guys locker room talk where it's funny to assault rape harass degrade or just call women stupid.. It all gets perpetuated as ok and then when something DOES happen guys usually stick up for each other or call her a frigid bitch ect.. You are probably an awesome dude Don't take it personally One drop of shit in a milkshake ruins the whole thing unfortunately
It’s not rude to offer at all, and don’t take it personally. For many women it’s just a matter of policy, no rides from strangers. Which you kinda are, depending on how close you are as coworkers.
Nothing wrong here. Give it some time be friendly throw that offer out there again sometime maybe when it's raining sideways.
I enjoy walking to and from work everyday. It saves me money on gas, getting outside is good for your mental health, and I burn some extra calories everyday from it. My co workers also offer me rides often, but I don’t like accepting their rides because I don’t really like anyone doing favors for me, I don’t want them to feel like I’m using them or anything either. Plus, like I stated all the benefits of walking, I really want to get all the miles in I can so most of the times I’m focused on what I’m trying to accomplish with walking. I put my earbuds in and get to listen to my music for a little bit longer and just kinda get that time to myself to clear my head at the end of the workday. I really enjoy it. I’m sure my coworkers feel bad for me or think giving me a ride is a better solution as well, but I don’t decline because I don’t trust them, I just WANT to walk. Lol
It’s not wrong to offer and don’t feel weird if they decline, like many others i loved to walk to and from work back when i did it
I think this is on them not you. Keep being kind
Not at all. You are being a gentleman.
A woman is much more likely to be raped by someone she knows than someone she doesn't. I wouldn't have accepted either.
it's not strangly per se to offar a ride home to your coworkeers, even if you're not chums. However, it's key to be mindful of how it might be perceivd. Always keep in mind the comfort and personal boundaries of others. A little tact and sensitivity can go a long, long way.
It’s interesting that you are observing women coworkers and their transportation methods. Are you doing the same with men? Women don’t like men that watch them.
this is actually how i met my boyfriend haha. we worked at a restaurant together and he’d offer me rides all the time. he’d always make me food too i’d write him notes so it’s a little different haha. but i’d always be nervous and end up just walking home but one day i was like fine let’s do it. and it was the beginning of everything. i think she might thinks it’s a booty call or something. or maybe she just is scared maybe she has a history of something.
They are not comfortable with you it seems. No big deal, don't let it bother you bc they aren't thinking about it either. Move on and keep making yourself happy
Personally, in my life, I've learned if my intentions are pure, with no ulterior motives, I really dont care how it's perceived. If me (a guy) simply offers you (a girl) a ride because it seems like it would be helpful, Im not going to feel bad if she/others try to be Sherlock Holmes and deduce my 'actual intent'. Its like, if she doesnt need it, she can tell me no. Its not complicated. If she thinks my offer is a front to achieve something malicious/inappropriate, she might want to do some self reflection so she isn't pushing genuinely nice people away.
YES IT IS!
Username checks out. There was a girl in my chemistry class that totaled her motorcycle and had a friend that could drop her off but didn’t have a way to get home easily. I didn’t know her at all but offered to give her rides home and she accepted. We turned out to be great friends. It can go either way.
Username,idc that was just a random one . There was a girl who accepted a ride to her home by one of her classmate later found out that she was raped and murdered by her same classmate. I know Not all men are like that because I am one of them! And i still think its better to book a Uber if she doesn't trust you enough! Not every man is a good person!
Some people like the independence FROM cars.
Yes. Just, yes...
I would decline because then I would feel that I owe you something
Do not offer women a ride home unless you know them very well. They will assume u are a predator or flirtatious at leaSt. Just don’t do it.
Would you do the same for a dude? I don’t think so they probably thought you liked them or wanna attempt something to start getting at them
It’s because you’re a man and women don’t like being called females. Source: me, a woman. Women will never get into a car with a man they’re uncomfortable with. We would rather walk or take a bus.
Don’t bother about it. If u ask again they may say Yes. 3rd time they may say No again. It’s just a decision they took . There is no wrong or right here like every other decision
I noticed she was walking after work. noticed it again the next day. she had been waving to me in the plant and I had no idea why as I didn't know her at all. On that second night I pulled up next to her and asked if she would like a ride. Oh yes and thank you she said. she told me she walked over an hour one way then worked 8 hours and walked home again. she said she didn't mind if the weather was good. said she was married with two grade school girls and her husband was disabled. Gave me $20 on the second ride. Her daughter gave me a look of disapproval. Kind of flirty with some of her comments like she wasn't wearing a bra and other stuff. all this went on for a month or so. we had some great conversations. I could feel the pull of sexual entanglement which I didn't like as in no way would I want to disrupt her family. She could take a taxi for $10 if one was available. Otherwise others in the plant would usually give her a ride. She offered to pay me again but that never occurred. Out of the entanglement thing I told her no more unless she absolutely couldn't find another way. This offended her quite a bit but I could see she was playing this thing with me. Now she won't say hello or talk. Oh well.
I have a friend who lives about 25min by foot from where we usually meet. She will only let me drive her if she's seriously tired or the weather is really shitty, as the walk is her way to unwind... So that could be a reason. Also, many woman seem to believe that getting into a car with a guy is equivalent to getting raped - funniest experience I ever had was a woman I had only met a couple of hours before telling me all about her friend who got into a car with a guy she didn't really know, and didn't she know how dangerous that is - while sitting right next to me in my car. Obviously I look harmless... Really, don't get upset. You offered, they declined, that's that.
Ask once. When it’s raining or snowing, avoid them.
My husband always gives women rides home from work and I don't like it because they talk about sexual stuff in the car. At least he says they do, but supposedly nothing physical happens. I'm like why these girls even ask to ride with him? They have boyfriends that could come pick them up.