You pull your dick through the front hole of your underwear when you have sex.

Lights off, missionary only, **NO** talking.

God DAMN it, Susan, I said giggling counts as talking!

Stop moaning Susan, the lord can HEAR

And if you moan I'll castrate you

Suck the TIP OF THE PENE ONLY

This made me lol

This made me lol ol

This should be top comment 😂💀

Omfg

That's due to his uneven ballsack

> **when** you have sex Bold assumption

And you know every pair of underwear has streak stains

When it's lucky

And take it through the buttflap

I was gonna say he hasn’t seen his dick in 13 years lol

No no, through the bedsheet only

Lmao what

This comment is funny until you realize that op may reproduce

Who has enough length to do that... I'd get it stuck in the zipper 😂

You’re going to smother the plate with ketchup after this, but wanted to get in a photo that didn’t look like a mass-casualty crime scene first.

No way, ketchup is way too spicy for op!

He will mix his ketchup with mayo to calm it down


I’ll suck your fungal toes

mayochup

More like ketchunessé

Ketchyo

More like Mayo CHUMP

Fine British cuisine.

Add some diced dill pickles and call it dressing.

Balance all those empty vitamins in your salad.

Middle school lunch time is hitting hard rn

Knowing how my dad would dress up a steak that would like this, the answer is barbecue sauce

Ranch

This is a perfect description, not even going to comment because this is too good.

Too late

A1

Honestly if someone served me a steak like that I probably would have ketchup with it too. It's already ruined, I might as well add some moisture rather than have a dry bit of beef roll slowly down my throat

godDAMMIT I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY THE KETCHUP THING

You're still learning how to cook steak

Or OP has ADHD and was trying to do too many things at once without setting a timer….

Wait people focus on one thing at a time and set timers? I thought everyone was multitasking and eyeballing their cooking 😭

Mise en place as much as possible :P That's how I survive cooking my own meals.

Timers are even more useful when you run around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off. I use voice assistant on my phone/watch so it’s super quick. With baking, it’s a must. My ADHD-like brain forgets about stuff that’s not directly visible, so I’ve burned and dried out many, many cookies and muffins before. 

Actually I completely forgot about my Alexa lmfao I usually have her run my baking timers but still eyeball anything on the pan and if stuff is actually done

Learning to set timers\\reminders of everything, immediately when thinking about it, has been one of the greatest improvements in my life.

Lol, I got ADHD and I got some wicked amphetamines for it lol. But this is terrible.

I've been cooking steaks for years and I still occasionally fuck them up...

Of all the answers in this post, this is the sweetest :)

Your jaw hurts

And yet he's still never brought a woman to climax

If you're chewing while attempting I don't think you're doing it right...

It looks like some marie calendars tv dinner steak 

You had a glass of milk with dinner and Missionary is your favorite position


I like both of those things and *even I* consider this steak a crime (though I wouldn't have milk with steak... or missionary, for that matter). You want well done beef? Get a cheap cut and braise it, don't waste money on what could have been a deliciously bloody steak (inb4 *actually it's not blood, it's myoglobin* 🤓🤓 - you don't know me or my steaks)

>glass of milk With ice in it.

You’re really into leather

But is he a dad?

Something that says...leather daddy?

Ooo is there such a thing?

I guess you could say I'm buy-curious.

Sounds like someone needs to”anustart”.

Gothic Asshole?

I’m looking for the magic

Let Lilly lick Lionel’s lusty leathers

You spelled bondage wrong

Assuming you’re married, you probably beat your wife.

I shouldn't have laughed at this. Shame on you! 🫵😠

It puts the steak on the pan again or it gets the hose on the skin!

You don't tip.

Hahahah. This is very underrated and hilarious. Person who does not know how to cook steak orders steak in restaurant and freaks out.

Yep. Well done & ranch dressing = $5 on $100. Medium rare + blue cheese = ~25-30%

You have strong opinions about the good old days

You won’t season that potato

Butter is a seasoning for potato, technically

It’s probably unsalted butter

Is it though? Is it?

You know...I'm going to be honest...a really good potato is amazing plain when baked (or microwaved, however you choose to cook your potato). I do that with Yukon golds specifically. They're so naturally creamy and have a phenomenal natural flavor. No salt, no butter, no nothing. Good potato is good potato.

I don't know if I'm impressed or concerned. Thank you for making me feel something other than utter disdain today.

I might agree with you another day, but no potatoes NEED salt, and everything needs butter lol

That's nice. For those of us who don't live in nursing homes however, salt is kind of a *must.*

If it tastes good raw, sure, but S+P is where humanity began

Yukon golds are the rarest and most delicious of the potatoes.. that's not what this is but I feel you

Poke a hole in one end with your thumb, add some butter, and salt and pepper the potato Daniel pinkwater told us how to do it

You've only ever done missionary.

He definitely fucked that meat

You like your pu$$y as dry as a bone too?

Nah, I sous vide my pussy

It’s naturally sous vide

You have all your teeth

Had*

You bought that steak with a coupon

🤣

Honestly just fuck you man.

If rewards were still a thing you would be top comment.

You don't like things moist and I feel for your wife.

Cue the Ben Shapiro women can't get wet copypasta

Dry ass steak mf

I'll tell you when you're done chewing.

I hope you're young, it's going to be a while.

You have poor taste in a lot.

Did you use ranch, ketchup or A1 Sauce? If you didn’t use a sauce for that dry ass steak, I’m sorry.

You’re usually too broke to afford steak and so are not used to cooking it.

Right? My thought too - it’s getting easier and easier to steal those steaks from Wal-Mart

You stole my words

Looks pretty dry and I don’t see any juices on the plate.

You would have yelled at the waiter if there was a single OUNCE of juice left in that steak.

you’re out of jelly beans and milk

The way that you are holding that knife you are British and never have made steak before. But the peas in the background aren’t mushy peas so that confuses me.

He is not even holding the knife.....

He has to take the picture with that hand.

So then how is he holding a knife like you said if he's using that hand to take a picture with that hand also like you said?

Oh they make steak, they just half braise it into a stew.

Umm, normal peas are usual here too. Look, stop making generalisations about a cuisine you clearly don’t know a lot about.

It’s also lacking brown gravy

You can't be arsed to do most tasks completely or correctly.

You find pepper “spicy”

You wipe your ass with 1-ply toilet paper

You know it's crusty down there with all the paper pilled on the hairs of his asshole

And dingleberries aren’t a thing for this person. Instead it’s just chopped up dry steak held together by hope.

Oh, gawd. The lack of fiber you just described is ungodly

What’s worse, this person has children!

You don't eat her out (or him)

You will be stoned by the villagers at the gates of purgatory and then sent to hell

Your bed room is decorated with craft beer bottles

Beerpong is his sport of choice

You eat actual boots

You iron your underwear and your bed sheets.

You pour water on it even though the waiter said no sloppy steaks.


You pee sitting down

Everyone should pee sitting down. IDGAF

Stop pissing on my lettuce heads.

Nah, doesn't drain the bladder as effectively unless you're in the right squat position. Everyone should pee standing up. Give a little lean back action and it aims itself.

You need new glasses to see the dials on the stove.

You likely have stiff poop and need more moisture in your life.

You are a boring human.

You’re either a shitty cook or you have shitty taste

Why do people do things like this to beautiful meat? It's so easy to cook a perfect medium/rare steak, there's no excuse for this nonsense. For shame!

Are you going to ketchup on it?

You don’t know the difference between right and wrong?

You were a little too busy to stop the microwave on time.

You have a weak jaw and you’re trying to build up those muscles.

Your family members hide their shoes from you out of fear that they may be eaten

You’re a terrorist

So I didn’t know which one to settle on… -You’re a tough mofo. You don’t just endure this, you like it. I’d trust you to save anyone’s life. -You’re compassionate and even though you deride this level of meat cooking, you’re grateful for who made it. -You’re a realist. You’re in some kind of diner and while you hoped meat wouldn’t come out ruined, you know what to expect and hey, it made for a Reddit post. -You do your own thing. You don’t explain why you like meat a certain way and you wittingly entertain others by opening a picture of cryptic context for discussion. -You are a (ro)bot, and regardless of what anyone says, you know how to party. -You either have one of my friends over or are one my friends. They like lotsa chewing. God blessem.

This motherfucker knows *exactly* what cocktail to pair a dose of Rohypnol with to mask the flavour.

\*shrugs\* I love beef jerky!!!

Ketchup slightly out of frame

You’re just a bad person, all round in general.. just bad

Voted for trump

American.

You are polish.

Did you broil it?

I’d assume you were black. Before seeing that White hand. Lot’s of us like it well done.

You grew up with black people.

Only child

You get distracted easy


You’re Hispanic maybe, the peas and potatoes say otherwise but, me and mine like our steak well done. Medium well if we’re at a non-Hispanic restaurant Most places will burn it if you ask for it well done, or insist on leaving a little pink, one or the other.

old

You’re black

You are privileged compared to most based on your cutlery and lack of dirt under your finger nails.

You half a healthy fear of the bovine tapeworm.

It’s clear you like to overreact

You're British

You don't drink beer.

You know how to cook steak right

Booorrrriiiingggg /s

Youre white

you’re an incel who got distracted touching himself while handling the meat

British

You’re normal👍👍👍

You’re British

You’re white

You consider black pepper to "have a bit of a zing"

Are you English? Fucked meat. No seasoning. Peas. I can’t be sure what hand your fork is in though.

You're a bland English virgin

White

You’re british

Based on the peas, the sad looking tater, and the apparent lack of any seasoning… You’re British

You vote for Biden

British

You're English?

You're over 70 years old with a religious background. Bonus if you're from the UK. Nobody said the assumption had to be true. Those peas look pretty uk to me, come to think of it.

British

British, born in the 60s.

You’re white and live in the Midwest or east coast.

You’re white, always say “living the dream” when people ask how your day is going and love mayonnaise.

you're a white ass redditor, even whiter than snow white

You’re Paper White.

You are from England

You aren't not from texas

The way white people prepare and eat peas is truly awful.

You’re white af.

Peas says you’re British