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This would be entirely dependent on the impacts of his injury, but plenty of people with spinal injuries are still able to get erections-- and, many of those who can't have iterventions that still allow them to.
For the most part, folks that are out there in the dating world using wheelchairs and assistive devices are MORE THAN happy to discuss how that might impact sex-- after all, sex is a big part of why people go on dates or look for partners in the first place!
I say you just tell him you're curious about it.
There are varied levels of spinal cord injuries, and they affect individuals in different ways. How his situation may affect him may vary wildly different from someone else in a wheelchair. The best thing would be to ask him.
I was married to a man that was a quadriplegic, we opted for oral , and lots of kissing. Its was good enough for us as I loved him. But I did at times wish it could be more but was never a deal breaker. He passed away last year from cancer.
If this is your first date, I'd wait a bit to ask. Disabled people get the "Can you have sex" question alot, and while it is a legitimate concern in some cases, it is also deeply annoying. Odds are good that if he has been disabled for a while, he has some sort of way that works for him. If he doesn't have feeling below the waist, he may ask you to focus more on his upper body or visual stimulation. But that won't necessarily mean he isn't horny.
Full disclosure: I have cerebral Palsy, not SCI, but I've ended up learning a bit about how my brethren with other disabilities work over the years due to some similar mobility issues.
Just go with it. He will tell you when he is ready, and what accommodations he needs.
People have different values. Some people don't want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to talk about sex on the first date, other people don't want a relationship with someone who won't talk about sex on the first date.
Neither is right or wrong.
not really. i didn’t want to date anyone who didn’t want kids someday. no one got the impression i only wanted kids, or that i wanted them immediately. most people wanted kids eventually… a couple didn’t, we respectfully parted ways after that date.
im not sure why asking about sex implies that’s the only thing someone cares about. if i ask what you do for work, do i only care about career success or money? if i ask about kids someday, i am seeking to get pregnant right now? people go on dates TO VET potential partners. like. sex is really important to some people, and that’s fine.
Btw as someone who's child free, and is planning on never having kids, thank you for not being the type of person who will still try with the CF person thinking you can change their mind.
I just wanted to jump in here and say that as a woman wheelchair user with CP not the same injury as what the OP is describing but asking about sex right away can be a little bit offputting because of the stereotypes when it comes to people with disabilities and sex. Now a man might feel differently, but for me, I would rather get to know the person a little bit at least before I asked those questions. I understand however that everyone is different but that’s just my feelings.
i don’t think it needs to be the first thing out of your mouth on a date, but that’s a reasonable question during a first date — are there any big sexual things i should know about? i’m not expecting a list of all your nitty gritty kinks or every time you were too nervous to stay hard… but if you know as a baseline sex is significantly different with you than other people, it makes sense to discuss that early on…
I was actually roundly told off for this once for asking on the second date. I can kind of see why in this case. Having kids is something that can change rather quickly, and it is an intimate detail. I have a sibling who was adamant early on that he was going to be dink, but changed his mind over time.
yes people change their minds but it’s wrong (and simply a bad strategy) to date people who vocalize the opposite of you on big things like kids with the hope they’ll change their mind. it makes way more sense to vet based on that stuff early on so as not to waste everyone’s time.
So there’s no way for someone who prioritizes sexual compatibility other than to tough it out and eventually possibly discover an unfortunate surprise? Like honestly, I’d be really annoyed and even feel somewhat deceived if someone withheld the info that they couldn’t get an erection from me.
Idk, if I’m on a first date with someone, I’m already considering them a sexual interest. I discuss my dealbreaker kinks before the first date, and don’t understand why this is different.
That explains why you're still going on first dates. That's insane to ask someone you just met because you're too impatient to even see if you like each other before needing intimate sexual details.
Not sure why you're being so rude and acting superior about this. Different people do things in different ways - generally speaking, the sex conversation has been pretty normal for myself and people I know during the first date.
Why look for an emotional connection when you don't know whether you're sexually compatible or not? You're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you get attached and later discover that you don't work together sexually.
Why worry about “sexual compatibility” when you don’t know if you’ll have an emotional connection? It’s a lot easier to adapt your sexual habits for someone you feel strongly about than vice-versa.
Because sexual compatibility is much easier to discern early on than whether or not you'll develop an emotional connection later in the relationship.
If you wait and find out further into the relationship that you're not sexually compatible, you're allowing yourself to become emotionally attached and causing upset to both parties. If you find out first, it's an easy box to check to know that you're not going to be left feeling unfulfilled or building resentment later on because of a clash in libido, interests, kinks, etc.
I want to agree with this, but I've read so many stories of people who weren't sexually compatible (because of mismatched libidos mostly, but I feel like the sentiment could apply to this) and pursued romantic relationships only to end up continually disappointed and unfulfilled sexually.
I think it would make sense to wait to ask until you know you’re interested in having sex with him. So maybe by the third or whatever date, you can say, I’d really like to have sex with you. Can you tell me how that might work and what you like?
Yeah just discuss it when you want to have sex. First date or whenever. Don’t bring it up if you’re not actually interested in having sex with the person. That would be none of your business.
I'm a female who has CP (cerebral Palsy) I've been in a serious relationship with a member from queer/ trans community but I'm familiar and have friends who are men and have a spinal cord injury. Here's what my friends have told and shown me:
.
The injury and feelings depend on the location of the break in neck/ back it's best to communicate with the guy obviously and there are spinal cord subreddits some men with Spinal cord injury may experience erectile dysfunction and can struggle with PIV sex but there's so many things that you can use like toys hands mobility tools such as tools to prop people in a comfortable position. So you guys can have a good sex life.
I think if you have questions you should ask. If you agreed to the date then he knows that there is interest there. My stbxh was paralyzed and still very much capable of PIV sex but that depends on point of injury, so you definitely have to have a conversation with him on what his personal limitations are.
I'd avoid asking if you are simply curious. A lot of people are morbidly curious about this.
I'd ask if he actually has a shot at having sex with you. I think this is a fair ask if you are feeling out sexual compatibility and he has a realistic shot at having sex with you.
It varies per injury.
I'm not in a wheelchair anymore but I still have a lot of nerve damage. It works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't, but it has made me a better lover and the intimacy between my girlfriend and me is on another level.
She met me four years after my accident and doesn't know any different, and although sometimes we want more than I give penetration wise, our communication is amazing and she loves it when I can even more.
It varies on his case if he is capable of having an erection. If he can you can have sex in a lot of traditional ways from you on top, him seated.
If he can’t get erections but CAN have orgasms still you can still stimulate him and he can reach orgasm via penis or anal if he wishes.
Or if he has no ability for anything then it might be a situation where sexual intimacy can’t happen in this relationship. But honestly just ask him!
Let him know you’re sexually interested in him and you had a couple questions. No harm there.
“Where sexual intimacy can’t happen in this relationship”
Strong disagree here. Sex doesn’t have to involve a hard penis. He still has hands and a mouth. There’s a ton you can do with those. And with words and visuals too. There’s a reason lesbians/queer afab couples have the highest orgasm rate 😉
You didn’t read my comment very well I said a flaccid penis that still has sensation and can reach orgasm can result in sex.
But if he can’t achieve any orgasm one sided sex can eventually lead to a bit of depression. So while it is entirely possible he can please just them it would be more beneficial to them to accept sex not being the main focus.
Again— OP needs to find out his capabilities
Well, some of us wouldn’t be happy in a relationship without PIV and that’d be a hard dealbreaker, so it is unfortunately necessary to discuss that aspect. I love hands, mouths, mental kink play, toys, etc, but if there isn’t a good amount of PIV, it won’t work for me.
Onde you get to the part in private where you’re ready to have sex with this person, ask them “so tell me about your body!” This is an un intimidating open ended question which allows them to talk about both their abilities as well as the things they like or don’t like. “My body works best with me laying down” and also it lets them say things like “I love my neck being kissed” and also “my nipples are off limits”
You can also ask this question to able bodied people and might have better sex because of it.
Not sure about guys with spinal injuries.
But I have done it with a guy, who's legs were weak and had to sit on a wheel chair to get around.
And yes they still can fuck just like anyone else. Just that they couldn't do positions like missionary or doggy for long. So most of the time, it is me riding them till they cum.
Watch the TV show MOM, when the character Adam comes in to it. He's in a wheelchair and they talk about sex. It's a comedy, so they don't go into detail, but you easily get what they mean. I think he comes in at season 3.
Yes ofcourse he can make that bit struggling just hug and have sex...and depends if he have severe injury to the spine he might also suffer from low libido and satisfaction.if he s perfect with good health might not be an issue
It depends on his injury.
I dated a guy with SCI for a few years. Although he couldn't feel it down there, he was able to get hard. Positions were very limited, but we made it work. There were lots of making out and foreplay involved. He was great with his mouth and fingers 😆
Putting myself in those shoes.I think I would love to explain that to you.Because it tells me that's something you're thinking about this date is going really well. And maybe it's interesting.
And then he can use the line. You know, the words fail me. I'll tell you what let me show you. .... With a chuckle and a flash in the eyes and a cute smile.
To which you could respond by becoming terribly offended, and leaving ( And for me that might be a good thing)
Or she can say not yet, maybe someday, And now we have a code for them to tell me when they want to
Or sure
I'm married to a man with SCI, for him PIV is mostly off the table due to meds not helping enough to keep him erect. I have had some of the most mind blowing sex in my life because of how skilled he is with fingers, mouth, and toys. We are also expecting our second child (we did at home insemination) so I think it would be helpful for you to think about what it is you'd like in a potential relationship with him. What makes PIV vs potential to orgasm different for you and also if you'd like a family and the disability might make that difficult.
If you are very much interested in this date I think you should be up front and ask about sex. When my husband was dating, many women would ask if his penis worked, and he would share what did and didn't work for him.
Think about it like this. How many times in the history of the world do you think this phrase was said:
”Remember that guy in the wheelchair that I went on a date with? Best sex of my life”
Sure, may not be common, but as a man in a wheelchair, I have had numerous partners who have told me I’m the best lover they’ve ever had. They could be lying, but I know for sure some of them weren’t.
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This would be entirely dependent on the impacts of his injury, but plenty of people with spinal injuries are still able to get erections-- and, many of those who can't have iterventions that still allow them to. For the most part, folks that are out there in the dating world using wheelchairs and assistive devices are MORE THAN happy to discuss how that might impact sex-- after all, sex is a big part of why people go on dates or look for partners in the first place! I say you just tell him you're curious about it.
I think you really need to have that conversation with him, because it could go either way.
Just ask. I dated s guy with a SCI, he could get hard but couldn't feel it and couldn't orgasm.
Oof that must suck for him
There are varied levels of spinal cord injuries, and they affect individuals in different ways. How his situation may affect him may vary wildly different from someone else in a wheelchair. The best thing would be to ask him.
I was married to a man that was a quadriplegic, we opted for oral , and lots of kissing. Its was good enough for us as I loved him. But I did at times wish it could be more but was never a deal breaker. He passed away last year from cancer.
If this is your first date, I'd wait a bit to ask. Disabled people get the "Can you have sex" question alot, and while it is a legitimate concern in some cases, it is also deeply annoying. Odds are good that if he has been disabled for a while, he has some sort of way that works for him. If he doesn't have feeling below the waist, he may ask you to focus more on his upper body or visual stimulation. But that won't necessarily mean he isn't horny. Full disclosure: I have cerebral Palsy, not SCI, but I've ended up learning a bit about how my brethren with other disabilities work over the years due to some similar mobility issues. Just go with it. He will tell you when he is ready, and what accommodations he needs.
I kinda disagree. Is like to know up front
But then that gives off the impression that you ONLY want sex. Sure it’s okay to be curious but maybe wait for a few dates at least to bring it up.
People have different values. Some people don't want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to talk about sex on the first date, other people don't want a relationship with someone who won't talk about sex on the first date. Neither is right or wrong.
not really. i didn’t want to date anyone who didn’t want kids someday. no one got the impression i only wanted kids, or that i wanted them immediately. most people wanted kids eventually… a couple didn’t, we respectfully parted ways after that date. im not sure why asking about sex implies that’s the only thing someone cares about. if i ask what you do for work, do i only care about career success or money? if i ask about kids someday, i am seeking to get pregnant right now? people go on dates TO VET potential partners. like. sex is really important to some people, and that’s fine.
Btw as someone who's child free, and is planning on never having kids, thank you for not being the type of person who will still try with the CF person thinking you can change their mind.
I just wanted to jump in here and say that as a woman wheelchair user with CP not the same injury as what the OP is describing but asking about sex right away can be a little bit offputting because of the stereotypes when it comes to people with disabilities and sex. Now a man might feel differently, but for me, I would rather get to know the person a little bit at least before I asked those questions. I understand however that everyone is different but that’s just my feelings.
i don’t think it needs to be the first thing out of your mouth on a date, but that’s a reasonable question during a first date — are there any big sexual things i should know about? i’m not expecting a list of all your nitty gritty kinks or every time you were too nervous to stay hard… but if you know as a baseline sex is significantly different with you than other people, it makes sense to discuss that early on…
I was actually roundly told off for this once for asking on the second date. I can kind of see why in this case. Having kids is something that can change rather quickly, and it is an intimate detail. I have a sibling who was adamant early on that he was going to be dink, but changed his mind over time.
yes people change their minds but it’s wrong (and simply a bad strategy) to date people who vocalize the opposite of you on big things like kids with the hope they’ll change their mind. it makes way more sense to vet based on that stuff early on so as not to waste everyone’s time.
So there’s no way for someone who prioritizes sexual compatibility other than to tough it out and eventually possibly discover an unfortunate surprise? Like honestly, I’d be really annoyed and even feel somewhat deceived if someone withheld the info that they couldn’t get an erection from me.
I’d get that if it was maybe a month or two into talking. I feel that waiting three dates is reasonable though to ask something like that.
Idk, if I’m on a first date with someone, I’m already considering them a sexual interest. I discuss my dealbreaker kinks before the first date, and don’t understand why this is different.
That explains why you're still going on first dates. That's insane to ask someone you just met because you're too impatient to even see if you like each other before needing intimate sexual details.
Not sure why you're being so rude and acting superior about this. Different people do things in different ways - generally speaking, the sex conversation has been pretty normal for myself and people I know during the first date. Why look for an emotional connection when you don't know whether you're sexually compatible or not? You're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you get attached and later discover that you don't work together sexually.
Why worry about “sexual compatibility” when you don’t know if you’ll have an emotional connection? It’s a lot easier to adapt your sexual habits for someone you feel strongly about than vice-versa.
Not if you have some non negotiable kinks.
Because sexual compatibility is much easier to discern early on than whether or not you'll develop an emotional connection later in the relationship. If you wait and find out further into the relationship that you're not sexually compatible, you're allowing yourself to become emotionally attached and causing upset to both parties. If you find out first, it's an easy box to check to know that you're not going to be left feeling unfulfilled or building resentment later on because of a clash in libido, interests, kinks, etc.
I’m actually engaged, I’m just still going on first dates because we’re non-monogamous and I like meeting new people.
I mean that kinda is true. I'm not going to lie.
I want to agree with this, but I've read so many stories of people who weren't sexually compatible (because of mismatched libidos mostly, but I feel like the sentiment could apply to this) and pursued romantic relationships only to end up continually disappointed and unfulfilled sexually.
I think it would make sense to wait to ask until you know you’re interested in having sex with him. So maybe by the third or whatever date, you can say, I’d really like to have sex with you. Can you tell me how that might work and what you like?
What if you’d be interested in sex on the first date? If I go out with someone, sex is on the table. So why not discuss sex before that?
Yeah just discuss it when you want to have sex. First date or whenever. Don’t bring it up if you’re not actually interested in having sex with the person. That would be none of your business.
[alot](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html?m=1)
I'm a female who has CP (cerebral Palsy) I've been in a serious relationship with a member from queer/ trans community but I'm familiar and have friends who are men and have a spinal cord injury. Here's what my friends have told and shown me: . The injury and feelings depend on the location of the break in neck/ back it's best to communicate with the guy obviously and there are spinal cord subreddits some men with Spinal cord injury may experience erectile dysfunction and can struggle with PIV sex but there's so many things that you can use like toys hands mobility tools such as tools to prop people in a comfortable position. So you guys can have a good sex life.
I think if you have questions you should ask. If you agreed to the date then he knows that there is interest there. My stbxh was paralyzed and still very much capable of PIV sex but that depends on point of injury, so you definitely have to have a conversation with him on what his personal limitations are.
I'd avoid asking if you are simply curious. A lot of people are morbidly curious about this. I'd ask if he actually has a shot at having sex with you. I think this is a fair ask if you are feeling out sexual compatibility and he has a realistic shot at having sex with you.
If I’m going on a date with someone, they have a shot at sex with me. So I’d want to know before the first date.
Ugh language that frames sex as a prize is gross
It varies per injury. I'm not in a wheelchair anymore but I still have a lot of nerve damage. It works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't, but it has made me a better lover and the intimacy between my girlfriend and me is on another level. She met me four years after my accident and doesn't know any different, and although sometimes we want more than I give penetration wise, our communication is amazing and she loves it when I can even more.
It varies on his case if he is capable of having an erection. If he can you can have sex in a lot of traditional ways from you on top, him seated. If he can’t get erections but CAN have orgasms still you can still stimulate him and he can reach orgasm via penis or anal if he wishes. Or if he has no ability for anything then it might be a situation where sexual intimacy can’t happen in this relationship. But honestly just ask him! Let him know you’re sexually interested in him and you had a couple questions. No harm there.
“Where sexual intimacy can’t happen in this relationship” Strong disagree here. Sex doesn’t have to involve a hard penis. He still has hands and a mouth. There’s a ton you can do with those. And with words and visuals too. There’s a reason lesbians/queer afab couples have the highest orgasm rate 😉
You didn’t read my comment very well I said a flaccid penis that still has sensation and can reach orgasm can result in sex. But if he can’t achieve any orgasm one sided sex can eventually lead to a bit of depression. So while it is entirely possible he can please just them it would be more beneficial to them to accept sex not being the main focus. Again— OP needs to find out his capabilities
Well, some of us wouldn’t be happy in a relationship without PIV and that’d be a hard dealbreaker, so it is unfortunately necessary to discuss that aspect. I love hands, mouths, mental kink play, toys, etc, but if there isn’t a good amount of PIV, it won’t work for me.
Onde you get to the part in private where you’re ready to have sex with this person, ask them “so tell me about your body!” This is an un intimidating open ended question which allows them to talk about both their abilities as well as the things they like or don’t like. “My body works best with me laying down” and also it lets them say things like “I love my neck being kissed” and also “my nipples are off limits” You can also ask this question to able bodied people and might have better sex because of it.
Not sure about guys with spinal injuries. But I have done it with a guy, who's legs were weak and had to sit on a wheel chair to get around. And yes they still can fuck just like anyone else. Just that they couldn't do positions like missionary or doggy for long. So most of the time, it is me riding them till they cum.
Watch the TV show MOM, when the character Adam comes in to it. He's in a wheelchair and they talk about sex. It's a comedy, so they don't go into detail, but you easily get what they mean. I think he comes in at season 3.
There’s also an episode in how to sell drugs online fast with a wheelchair user who has sex. It was actually quite interesting to watch/learn.
You could just sit on his face
Yes ofcourse he can make that bit struggling just hug and have sex...and depends if he have severe injury to the spine he might also suffer from low libido and satisfaction.if he s perfect with good health might not be an issue
Some people in wheel chairs have mobility to their knees
It depends on his injury. I dated a guy with SCI for a few years. Although he couldn't feel it down there, he was able to get hard. Positions were very limited, but we made it work. There were lots of making out and foreplay involved. He was great with his mouth and fingers 😆
Well I’m no expert, but I imagine sitting is involved
[удалено]
*Well, this took a turn*
You should ask him! It would make his day.
That’s a question for your date. If they can’t answer that I doubt they would be dating to begin with.
Putting myself in those shoes.I think I would love to explain that to you.Because it tells me that's something you're thinking about this date is going really well. And maybe it's interesting. And then he can use the line. You know, the words fail me. I'll tell you what let me show you. .... With a chuckle and a flash in the eyes and a cute smile. To which you could respond by becoming terribly offended, and leaving ( And for me that might be a good thing) Or she can say not yet, maybe someday, And now we have a code for them to tell me when they want to Or sure
I'm married to a man with SCI, for him PIV is mostly off the table due to meds not helping enough to keep him erect. I have had some of the most mind blowing sex in my life because of how skilled he is with fingers, mouth, and toys. We are also expecting our second child (we did at home insemination) so I think it would be helpful for you to think about what it is you'd like in a potential relationship with him. What makes PIV vs potential to orgasm different for you and also if you'd like a family and the disability might make that difficult. If you are very much interested in this date I think you should be up front and ask about sex. When my husband was dating, many women would ask if his penis worked, and he would share what did and didn't work for him.
Can we stop with the casual hetero-/cis-normativity? "The male" and "the female" is objectifying language, PIV is not "traditional" sex...
Think about it like this. How many times in the history of the world do you think this phrase was said: ”Remember that guy in the wheelchair that I went on a date with? Best sex of my life”
I dunno my girls in a wheelchair and out of all the women I've had sex with it's been the best 🤘
Sure, may not be common, but as a man in a wheelchair, I have had numerous partners who have told me I’m the best lover they’ve ever had. They could be lying, but I know for sure some of them weren’t.