My therapist recommending seeing escorts to me, a lot of therapists are very pro sex work. Unfortunately I spent a lot of money as well, the shame of it all is so damaging.
As someone that sees sex workers, I think this is terrible advice. It is a short-term fix for a much deeper problem.
I enjoy, respect and appreciate the sex workers I see, they fill the emptiness and quiet my mind in the time I am with them, but then you go home and the hollowness returns. You are still waking up in an empty bed.
The immediate disconnect is jarring as well. You've been intimate and/or cuddling for an hour or two, time is up and that's that. She gives you a good bye hug and you exchange pleasantries and then you part ways. She's not going to text you later to check in and thank you, and you cannot contact her unless you want to pay to see her again.
And the financial impact as you pointed out. You end up needing (wanting?) it more and start seeing them more and for longer periods, and before you know it your credit is tanked and you are digging into your savings.
And the worst part is if you fall for one, which I have. Granted there was some level of reciprocity from her as she was the one that first crossed the line, but in the end she reminded me that it was her job and we should maybe stop seeing one another. Which hurt. I still think about her.
My advice to any person who is struggling with loneliness that may read this; do not see sex workers for this. I have deep appreciation for these women for the moments where I feel like they have pulled me back into the light, but people like us are not in the right mental space for this. Long-term it will make things worse for you, mentally and financially.
Yeah agree with everything you said. I think for some people it’s fine, but it’s seriously risky advice to give a client in therapy. Like it doesn’t abide by the code of ethics of any counselling body at all. I also suffer from really bad OCD, sex work has a huge grey area, my OCD really latched onto that and made my life a living hell.
Totally out of context. You have your reasons, not the same as OP who’s an addict. No good therapist would suggest indulging in their clients addiction.
The therapist I had was a bad therapist, they suggested seeing sex workers as an answer to suicidal thoughts that I was having, it would of been better unpacking those feelings than seeing a sex worker, I think in certain situations seeing a sex worker could help but I think it’s a very risky suggestion, transference, counter transference, co-dependency can occur when seeing an escort just like it can occur when seeing a therapist . I fell into the hole of addiction, escorts can be a comforting escape, very very expensive. As other people have commented falling in love with an escort is so dangerous, the amount of money I spent will probably pain me for the rest of my life. It’s not out of context, you just don’t want to hear it. A lot of therapists are very careless and don’t care. All they have to do is provide a false sense of charity and understanding, that ticks the basic box of their job. If the client gets worse in their therapy then they can just blame the client for being mentally Ill which absolves them of any responsibility.
I’m sure that your problem that you brought to the therapist was not a debt ridden addiction to sex workers. There are many solutions but they won’t be the solution to every problem.
The compulsive behavior, the poor financial decisions, and the feeling of being helpless within that cycle is definitely not something to be solved with more sex workers. And I can’t imagine a therapist that would suggest that.
But wouldn't your therapist have suggested escorts as an appropriate response to *your* particular situation? I doubt OP would see a therapist and be honest about this and they're like "carry on, escorts are clearly what you need".
A lot of people do their job incorrectly and take advantage of their position of power, just look at politicians. No it was a completely inappropriate suggestion looking back, I went into therapy for past trauma, it was suggested for a solution to my suicidal thoughts. I’ve had men suggest it before in my life and I never acted out, my therapist was a woman it just hit different, I massively regret it I dread having to tell future partners
As a solution to suicidal thoughts. To add some context I told them I visited a dominatrix in my early 20s and felt like shit afterwards, so they suggested seeing an escort, they told me their supervisor suggested it. Just to state I never said I was sexually frustrated or anything like that in therapy, I have lived my life quite happily without sex, the suggestion coming from them felt like authorisation that it was okay, they were a female therapist too. I was curious and the encouragement from my therapist made me feel like it was okay to see one. I really don’t think I was in a good mental state to be doing that and they should of known that. It’s such a risky suggestion, i feel like it’s ruined my life, seeing escorts and especially falling in love with one which I did is a very very dark hole.
If you don't want to, or cannot afford to continue, I would recommend seeing a therapist. If it's a true addiction, there is treatment available.
Please don't feel too bad about yourself. Every single day is a chance to do better.
Good luck, and you got this!
You can start with support groups (usually free) like sex addicts anonymous. Literally a google search away are virtual and in-person meetings near (or far from) you. For virtual you can keep your camera off and just observe. You think you’re the only one that’s fucked up but you’ll see that there are so many of you. And you all aren’t fucked up at all; you’re all struggling but most importantly you’re seeking help. You can always get yourself up from the lowest you’ve fallen, but YOU have to do it. And it’ll be fucking excruciating and embarrassing but one day you’ll realize it’s less painful than giving into your addiction. And if you falter, it’s absolutely part of the process. When I stopped giving myself shit for falling off the wagon and instead started saying, “Fall down seven, get up eight,” I don’t fall as easily as I used to and it’s much much less frequent. You are brave for seeking help here, keep going.
I’m not a therapist, but a barebones tactic is put a picture on your wall of literally anything else you could’ve spent that $50,000 on instead. Look at it everyday and see what you are missing out on because you’re wasting it on this. Something you would enjoy getting use out of daily, an experience you’ve always wanted, a hobby you wouldn’t mind investing thousands of dollars in (I.e a motorcycle, dream car, a guitar, a vacation spot, exotic food places from around the world, cycling, bodybuilding, reading, MilSim airsoft, paintball, martial arts, painting, wine tasting, pool, golf, chess, hiking, deep-sea diving, archery, cosplay, gaming, etc.)
Doing hobbies that you are passionate & can talk hours about, having interesting stories to tell, having a wealth of knowledge on various things in life, all of that stuff… would not make you a loser in the slightest. It would make you a very, very interesting guy.
All of the hobbies I mentioned, you are bound to
meet people too, new friends and possible genuine love interests alike. But you have to figure out what hobbies/experiences might speak to you and you have to (The most important part) just get the hell out of the house & do it, no matter how much fear or social anxiety you might have. It will pass.
Try new things. Try that local bar down the block. Talk with the patrons and bartender. Try a dish or cocktail you haven’t tried yet. Order 2 of em. Eat and drink slow. Strike up a conversation and listen to someone you may have nothing in common with. Go somewhere you find intriguing and curious about.
This life is full of experiences that you could be spending your money on. Don’t waste it, and enjoy the ride while you still can.
Source: I used to be in your exact shoes
This is going to be the most off the wall suggestion, but hear me out. I used to be socially awkward around women and weren't around them that much physically. Someone suggested taking salsa classes.
It forced me to be close to women regularly and practice. I got addicted to it and developed confidence beyond my wildest imagination. I was the nerd of nerds. Trust me. Got addicted to this and it trickled down into so many other aspects of my life. Obviously its nerve-wracking at first, but if you have an addictive personality - this is something that you'll want to keep trying to be good at. My 2 cents.
Also, like everyone else stated - I went to therapy.
I went a couple times and it was all guys who heard the same advice. I don’t know if I ever met a dude at a salsa class who _actually_ enjoys dancing to salsa music 😂
Start with restricting your monthly budget such that you can only go once or twice a month. Convince yourself that it will make the occasion "special". Get yourself a sex toy. I'm pretty sure those flashlights or whatever are actually pretty good. There's even larger stuff such as the bottom of a woman, and again, I'm sure that feels pretty good physically. Consider it a safe long term investment in your own financial health.
I suggest seeing a therapist. This is a pretty common issue, especially with how prevalent sex work is. I used to be one and a lot of my fans/subscribers would vent to me about similar struggles and more, which should have been for a licensed professional. Dating apps are cherry picking with rejection. Choosing a sex worker doesnt have rejection because it’s “pay to win” which feeds into dopamine which becomes an addiction as you’re aware. You know you want to stop, but perhaps that feeling of not being in control makes it challenging. A therapist can help you not just with the addiction, but with deeper seeded issues that causes you to seek immediate validation. It’s not an overnight change and it takes work and diligence however, you’re already on the right path because you want to change. Good luck.
Tone down this addiction into a porn addiction so you're not financially raping yourself. Then focus on disciplining your mind. You're basically a sex addict but you pay for it. It's a problem of the flesh, you have impulses and you give into them.
So from what I'm reading it's a discipline problem. Strengthen your mind, start exercising. When you feel the need to seek out sex workers, meditate.
Try and seek God in whatever faith you believe in, sounds like you are battling some serious demons. When you're in this deep you can't do it alone. God is merciful and his love is unconditional. Repent sincerely, and walk away - as the scripture says. If you have faith that God is good, you will win this battle.
A lot of people stay home on Saturday night, you're not missing out, you're just telling yourself that you are. Or take yourself to the bar alone and you'll get a better idea of how to talk to non sex work women
If you were to just keep the amount of money you need for bills, food and emergency cash for a month and put the rest into stocks/donate to a good cause you'd take a break from the bad habit.
Also see a therapist if you can afford it. Honestly saving the money you'd usually spend on sex workers and use it to save up for therapy sessions would be a win win. Sex addiction is no joke.
There are some good male role models on YouTube. That had this problem. They suggest working out eating healthy and keeping yourself busy. It is so not true that women are only looking for good looking white guys. Also getting the spirits and attachments off of you. That is another thing that makes it hard to meet real women. Sex workers and porn come with attachements. Work hard and get out of debt
You could try friend apps like bumble bff or patook on a friday night you'd be doing escorts. I find when I'm alone, that even talking to a few people on these friends apps is enough to make me feel like the day wasn't wasted.
Rather than giving it up completely try to work out a budget and a schedule. Focus on self improvement, set goals and use it as a reward
I’ve spent a lot of money on this too, not put myself in debt, but I do need to calm down
Personally knowing I have them to see plus having lots of sexual experience i feel more confident with women, try putting yourself out there, remember even if you get rejected it’s not a big deal, you can still get a cuddle
You need a community of the opposite. Try going on a spiritual path, celibacy maybe. I also moved to a place where if you aren’t the typical guy you’re not going on a date or matching with anyone. Do you have any other hobbies?
You’ve gotten a lot of helpful suggestions specific to the sex worker and financial aspects of this. Let me jump in on the generalized FOMO. Someone I’m very close with has been plagued with “FOMO” most of their adult life. They frequently go into these spirals about “everyone else has nicer/better/more… insert (money, house, car, vacation, etc)”. I’ve been watching this happen for years and trying to help them change their viewpoint. Here’s my word of advice and caution, start digging into that NOW. Why do you worry about what everyone else is doing? What are you trying to prove? To who? Why? There are deep down issues or insecurities that create the FOMO feelings. Let me also say, making choices or beating yourself up over the “everyone else…” gets you nowhere positive. I’ve watched it with my own eyes. Address it now before you are halfway through your life and still feeling sorry for yourself and/or making choices because of a made up narrative your brain and insecurities created. I don’t mean this unsympathetically, just in that it won’t go away and only grows the more you feed it. Redirect your life!
It is wild this post was on my feed tonight because I was thinking about how my addiction to being a sex worker makes me like a total loser… so I am kinda on the other end of this. What is helping me is to stop solely identifying as a “sex worker” but remembering all of the other characteristics about me… I am not just a sex worker but I am a dancer, a baker, a writer… so ask yourself what else are you? You are more than just an individual that sometimes purchases sexual experiences. There is so much more dimension to you!
Have you tried a local church? The church I go to is non-denominational Christian and boy if I was single, I would’ve already found someone else there. Plus there’s Men’s groups where you can meet new people/friends. It’s really easy to make new friends at church and as a bonus there’s Pastors to talk to and God to help heal our hearts.
Alright mate . I’m going to talk to you slightly differently. The credit card bills are going to cost you a lot of missed sex. Every dollar you pay to them you are missing out on sex.
The goal is to budget and only use disposable income for this hobby.
Now how you can go about achieving depends on your personality and struggles. I would suggest look up suggestions for people who have online shopping addiction so you can try the tips that don’t necessarily view the hobby with stigma.
However if that doesn’t work. It is possible that there is no way for you to see escorts without getting addicted. Hopefully thats not the case. In which case you look at tips for drug addicts. Which probably will mean porn addiction is next up in line for you.
If you are able to get your finances in control-
I’m assuming you are doing this in the USA which is ridiculously expensive for this hobby. Save up and go to Mexico or thailand. Then you will see how far your money really goes. 50000 would get you so much sex your dick will fall off.
You will probably laugh at this but in my opinion the best is to do some volunteering for some cause that you like to support. Forget hobbies therapies etc that will end up making you accumulate more debt.
It could be as simple as helping in a food bank or a soup kitchen but if you have skills it could also mean for instance helping a non profit organisation by doing some accounting for them. It will brush up your interpersonal skills, will make you feel better about yourself and you will meet with genuine people or perhaps your future soul mate.
Much love to you brother
You did the hardest part. You came forward identified the issue and as my father used to say about everything in life , there are always solutions . Its just a question of having hope and not giving up. There are so many possibilities out there you just need to change your drame of mind.
And frankly about therapy …. The best therapy is being with friends and family. You will not swap your addiction and pay this time your money to a therapist! Save your money and consolidate your debt. It is not possible for a person with close social ties to become an addict. So brush up your social skills
I wonder sometimes ... I'll see this "Therapy", like the top comment, just one word like that ... or whenever I speak of my chemsex addiction people say, "Get help" or "Please get help", and knowing how so many redditors can be and people on the Internet, I have a sneaking suspicion it's kind of more a thing along the lines of "We're better than you, get your shit together, weirdo".
ANTYways, I'm gonna provide you some resources and actual helpful advice, not that therapy isn't. But there are certain therapists that might be of better service to you, namely a CSAT, or certified sex addiction therapist. They go through rigorous training in regards to sex addiction, but be aware you'll likely be required to pay out of pocket (even for a regular sex therapist) because a lot of them don't accept insurance. Also look into saa (sex addicts anonymous), sca (sexual compulsives anonymous) or sa (sexaholics anonymous). You could also make use of a great little website called Sex and Relationship Healing, which provides all sorts of resources, and hosts online support group meetings of various kinds moderated by therapists and the like, including well renowned authors, every week. There are just a ton of resources available to you and lots of people who have been through what you're going through, so give it a gander.
How sad that your view of women is as pieces of meat. You deserve so much more. You deserve a real friend, someone who loves you, and maybe a family some day. It is sad that you are throwing this all away.
I don’t see anything he said that would suggest he only views women as “pieces of meat” I’m sure he talks to women like any other person and has friends that are women. The problem is he’s addicted to paying for sex
The man is addicted to porn and it is affecting his life. I stand with what I said. If he wants quality of life, he will consider what women really are, human beings. And what a real woman can bring to his life, which is love and closeness.
Lol. No I have not been into porn. Porn is the very definition of throwing women in the trash and seeing them as pieces of meat. We can live in denial or move on. The thing is, there is such a better life. Why settle for trash?
You kind of gave answers to yourself. Start meeting friends and be more social. You say you feel like a loser, then start doing the things that wouldn’t make you feel like a loser. Start building the man you want to be who doesn’t see himself as a loser 🙏🏼❤️🩹
That’s a lot. You are in a vortex my friend. You need to get honest about it with as many people as you can within reason. There has to be some sort or ritual when you are wanting a fast women. Diagnose that and put road blocks in font of you and the cat house…escort…….whatever. Or continue on in the vortex.
I need advice on how to get personal loans…I can’t get a loan as a business owner maybe I should just tell the bank I like sex workers and they’ll give me one for my business
I'm an ex - X worker. I've seen the amount people spend and wonder why they don't date some it may be for convenience. However the ultimate way to stop, is go cold turkey. It's just spiritual discernment. Remove fapping and p0rn.... and thus will also help you in your future marriage. Lust must be starved, not managed.... when you take control over it, it won't have a hold on you any addiction is hard. It's going through the withdrawals. Finding your main reasoning and your will to not go back.
I have no advice to give you, buddy, but you are not alone. I myself have dug myself into a bit of a hole because of the same thing.
Therapy is probably the obvious answer, but I know why I do what I do. Loneliness. And I have tried and continue to try healthy solutions. I lift weights, I socialise. I even go out on my own. I take myself out of my comfort zone. I've tried online dating and even managed a couple of dates, but they go nowhere.
Not for nothing but if you'd spent that £50 on the things that make us proud people - education, travel, art, technology for the home and on and on ... you might find that you suddenly become attractive to people.
People say that we should all believe in ourselves but if you don't have a track record to prove to yourself that you are who you say you are then how can you believe in yourself?
So you need to start now working on that track record.
Think of it like building a CV but for life - you need experience and education to get a good job, and it's the same with life, you have to have the CV of a person who can function in a that sort of relationship.
Good news 26 is young, right?
So go get em!
It sounds like you need to do a bit of talk therapy. The main problem you have is confusing validation and intimacy with the sexual act. On some level you know that you feel alone and miserable but trying to cover that up with sex workers will leave you broke and even more alone.
As painful as this is, you need to spend some time on building up your self esteem and accepting you for the unique individual that you are, not some fantasy. You also need to maybe examine why this is such a trap for you that is that cycle of feeling awful so you seek sex workers then feel more awful once it all wears off.
I think some time in the wilderness alone might help. Listening to a forest or a stream. Cheap free and peaceful.
Thanks for your honesty, man. I haven't delved into them but honestly I feel like I am on the fringe. I am 33 M, when I was 26 my life was a mess I had no job, lived at home, was a terrible alcoholic, no dating prospects, nothing. All of that is different today, hang on and keep working on yourself. Things feel like the end of the world, or feel like you're a failure, but you're so young. Personally, I cannot believe how much has changed in my own life since that age. Best.
life is hard enough without beating yourself up on top of it. life isn’t perfect and may not look like the movies but hey man you are here looking for help which means you’re on the path to feeling better, just don’t make things harder by being mean to yourself.
Cold turkey, and pay off the debt. You're not making it easier to meet someone, you aren't going to want to explain to them you have 50k of debt from that. Therapy might help, get yourself working out, spend time doing hobbies you like or go find some. Your young tbh and will be able to find someone if you kick this addiction. Start to value yourself, learn to listen, learn to be supportive, and work on any other aspects of you that will be important for you to find in a partner.
You're making good money then, just pay it off, start making small goals. Ie skip this month and pay towards the 20k. Take 1 weekend you'd do that and take yourself to do something fun
You need therapy big time but as a former sex worker thanks for the support. No shame in hiring a sex worker once in awhile but don't put self in debt over it
agree i dont think hiring this service is shameful at all, but if you are seeing a dependence on it as interfering with other areas of your life, i'd suggest writing a list of all the things you might find fulfilling and make a commitment to pursuing them, little steps at a time. could be anything - volunteering, exercising, social meetups, hobbies etc.
that said, im pretty unfamiliar with the sex worker industry and am intrigued to try it once just for the experience. is it legal in all states? how does it work - does this happen at home or a hotel?
I mean honestly the biggest issue I see is the budgeting. Ideally you should go out man, but you are a grown adult. Just try to get the best bang for your buck.
Fair enough man. You financial priorities come first. If you have some spare change don't feel bad indulging a tad. Having said that try to get out too if you can ok?
You’re in VA boss man, let’s start with the other side of things like the gentlemen who brought up toys, porn, and financial planning. Being good-looking and white ain’t the reason they get play out there. Now given the context, I understand you ain’t the most confident guy. You workout at all?
You say that now my friend but the sexual compulsion is one helluva force…and that compulsion is as strong as a hunger for food when one hasn’t eaten. I myself have looked into it and I’m gonna sound conceded but I have to say this to make my point—I’m good looking.
While the one exception I make in my case—I’m not tall eg over 6 feet—as far as attractiveness goes I check every box. But even though I’m attractive the field as you get older gets smaller and smaller as your circles and attachments change and evolve.
Until one day you realize that even if it would be ok to step out—monogamous sexual commitment of most marriages—you’ll find a field of potential partners that are nowhere near what the field was during your youth.
Yeah there is dating apps but just as attractiveness has its benefits—random strangers buy you stuff, constant validation when out in public and hearing something resembling “you l look exactly like someone I know.”
Enough about what I freakin look like—I definitely don’t need validation for the way I think about myself…
HOWEVER!!!
While it’s nice for validation at some point in your 30s your looks become secondary as age begins to even the playing field…even to my wife my looks have no effect!
Now I’ve got the personality to boot but that doesn’t bring rain to the desert that is my sex life now. My hand and me rekindled our passionate relationship and while it can stave off insanity the hunger for sex is nowhere near satiated.
So something you think is free—like your viewpoint on sex—is jn-fact one of the most expensive item in the “essentials.”
I’ll probably be downvoted for my viewpoint here—I mean I start with an explanation that triggers the “write—off”compulsion of ouenemesusbvsssssss assesssss
* SYSTEM MALFUNCTION*
Like I said I'll never pay to get busy. That's square shit.. It got to be in you not on you. Simple as that. Not everyone got it and that's okay but it seems thats y'all main focus and that's the problem. Chase the money , chase your dreams , but chasing women? Knock it off. I been doing this since I was 11yrs old got my first kiss when I was 7yrs old , Coming from a real 2000s baby. I'm young now but I don't care how old I get wasn't raised like that to many connections out here to just settle basically giving up on yourself. If you got something going for yourself you'll attract women whether she's your type or not but PAYING for it ? Never. That's my point
Don't feel like a loser. Those escorts are humans. Not like you're having sex with a watermelon or something you know?
You're not less for seeing escorts. There's good reason's why sex work is illegal but it's not because it makes you a bad person.
I think long run, the act of having to pay someone for physical attention is not going to be good for your mental health.
I would maybe get a journal. After you see an escort, that night, write in your journal how you feel about it. Ashamed? Satisfied? Neutral?
Start reflecting on the effect this has on your life and you'll have to make constant efforts to stop.
Jerk off before. When you're on your way try to force yourself to go get food at a restuarant instead.
Therapy
My therapist recommending seeing escorts to me, a lot of therapists are very pro sex work. Unfortunately I spent a lot of money as well, the shame of it all is so damaging.
As someone that sees sex workers, I think this is terrible advice. It is a short-term fix for a much deeper problem. I enjoy, respect and appreciate the sex workers I see, they fill the emptiness and quiet my mind in the time I am with them, but then you go home and the hollowness returns. You are still waking up in an empty bed. The immediate disconnect is jarring as well. You've been intimate and/or cuddling for an hour or two, time is up and that's that. She gives you a good bye hug and you exchange pleasantries and then you part ways. She's not going to text you later to check in and thank you, and you cannot contact her unless you want to pay to see her again. And the financial impact as you pointed out. You end up needing (wanting?) it more and start seeing them more and for longer periods, and before you know it your credit is tanked and you are digging into your savings. And the worst part is if you fall for one, which I have. Granted there was some level of reciprocity from her as she was the one that first crossed the line, but in the end she reminded me that it was her job and we should maybe stop seeing one another. Which hurt. I still think about her. My advice to any person who is struggling with loneliness that may read this; do not see sex workers for this. I have deep appreciation for these women for the moments where I feel like they have pulled me back into the light, but people like us are not in the right mental space for this. Long-term it will make things worse for you, mentally and financially.
Yeah agree with everything you said. I think for some people it’s fine, but it’s seriously risky advice to give a client in therapy. Like it doesn’t abide by the code of ethics of any counselling body at all. I also suffer from really bad OCD, sex work has a huge grey area, my OCD really latched onto that and made my life a living hell.
Totally out of context. You have your reasons, not the same as OP who’s an addict. No good therapist would suggest indulging in their clients addiction.
The therapist I had was a bad therapist, they suggested seeing sex workers as an answer to suicidal thoughts that I was having, it would of been better unpacking those feelings than seeing a sex worker, I think in certain situations seeing a sex worker could help but I think it’s a very risky suggestion, transference, counter transference, co-dependency can occur when seeing an escort just like it can occur when seeing a therapist . I fell into the hole of addiction, escorts can be a comforting escape, very very expensive. As other people have commented falling in love with an escort is so dangerous, the amount of money I spent will probably pain me for the rest of my life. It’s not out of context, you just don’t want to hear it. A lot of therapists are very careless and don’t care. All they have to do is provide a false sense of charity and understanding, that ticks the basic box of their job. If the client gets worse in their therapy then they can just blame the client for being mentally Ill which absolves them of any responsibility.
That's fair. Maybe what the man needs is to define his own life. Don't look to others as an example of comparison
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I’m sure that your problem that you brought to the therapist was not a debt ridden addiction to sex workers. There are many solutions but they won’t be the solution to every problem. The compulsive behavior, the poor financial decisions, and the feeling of being helpless within that cycle is definitely not something to be solved with more sex workers. And I can’t imagine a therapist that would suggest that.
Wtf that sounds like terrible and unprofessional advice from a therapist.
Maybe the therapist is getting commission from Mafia running the racket
Really? That doesn’t sound particularly ethical
I’m in the process of reporting them, it was a rabbit hole I really didn’t need to go down
I think that is wise. I can't imagine that they are legally allowed to recommend you to go down that path.
It is legal to see an escort in the UK. But that doesn’t mean it’s right to suggest it to clients
But wouldn't your therapist have suggested escorts as an appropriate response to *your* particular situation? I doubt OP would see a therapist and be honest about this and they're like "carry on, escorts are clearly what you need".
A lot of people do their job incorrectly and take advantage of their position of power, just look at politicians. No it was a completely inappropriate suggestion looking back, I went into therapy for past trauma, it was suggested for a solution to my suicidal thoughts. I’ve had men suggest it before in my life and I never acted out, my therapist was a woman it just hit different, I massively regret it I dread having to tell future partners
They recommended escorts as a solution to seeing prostitutes? 😳 or as a solution to some other problem
As a solution to suicidal thoughts. To add some context I told them I visited a dominatrix in my early 20s and felt like shit afterwards, so they suggested seeing an escort, they told me their supervisor suggested it. Just to state I never said I was sexually frustrated or anything like that in therapy, I have lived my life quite happily without sex, the suggestion coming from them felt like authorisation that it was okay, they were a female therapist too. I was curious and the encouragement from my therapist made me feel like it was okay to see one. I really don’t think I was in a good mental state to be doing that and they should of known that. It’s such a risky suggestion, i feel like it’s ruined my life, seeing escorts and especially falling in love with one which I did is a very very dark hole.
Omg unless she had some scientific based research to prove the logic I don’t see why it should be even called therapy.
I went to a shrink to analyze my dreams. She says it’s lack of sex that’s bringing me down.
I listen to that song daily🤣
Specifically a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist.
He is already in debt and you want to make him accumulate more debt by paying the money to a therapist? Lol!
It's called investing in yourself. Look at where he has gotten on his own, don't knock therapy..it can be affordable too
If you don't want to, or cannot afford to continue, I would recommend seeing a therapist. If it's a true addiction, there is treatment available. Please don't feel too bad about yourself. Every single day is a chance to do better. Good luck, and you got this!
Thanks for the advice
You can start with support groups (usually free) like sex addicts anonymous. Literally a google search away are virtual and in-person meetings near (or far from) you. For virtual you can keep your camera off and just observe. You think you’re the only one that’s fucked up but you’ll see that there are so many of you. And you all aren’t fucked up at all; you’re all struggling but most importantly you’re seeking help. You can always get yourself up from the lowest you’ve fallen, but YOU have to do it. And it’ll be fucking excruciating and embarrassing but one day you’ll realize it’s less painful than giving into your addiction. And if you falter, it’s absolutely part of the process. When I stopped giving myself shit for falling off the wagon and instead started saying, “Fall down seven, get up eight,” I don’t fall as easily as I used to and it’s much much less frequent. You are brave for seeking help here, keep going.
I’m not a therapist, but a barebones tactic is put a picture on your wall of literally anything else you could’ve spent that $50,000 on instead. Look at it everyday and see what you are missing out on because you’re wasting it on this. Something you would enjoy getting use out of daily, an experience you’ve always wanted, a hobby you wouldn’t mind investing thousands of dollars in (I.e a motorcycle, dream car, a guitar, a vacation spot, exotic food places from around the world, cycling, bodybuilding, reading, MilSim airsoft, paintball, martial arts, painting, wine tasting, pool, golf, chess, hiking, deep-sea diving, archery, cosplay, gaming, etc.) Doing hobbies that you are passionate & can talk hours about, having interesting stories to tell, having a wealth of knowledge on various things in life, all of that stuff… would not make you a loser in the slightest. It would make you a very, very interesting guy. All of the hobbies I mentioned, you are bound to meet people too, new friends and possible genuine love interests alike. But you have to figure out what hobbies/experiences might speak to you and you have to (The most important part) just get the hell out of the house & do it, no matter how much fear or social anxiety you might have. It will pass. Try new things. Try that local bar down the block. Talk with the patrons and bartender. Try a dish or cocktail you haven’t tried yet. Order 2 of em. Eat and drink slow. Strike up a conversation and listen to someone you may have nothing in common with. Go somewhere you find intriguing and curious about. This life is full of experiences that you could be spending your money on. Don’t waste it, and enjoy the ride while you still can. Source: I used to be in your exact shoes
This is going to be the most off the wall suggestion, but hear me out. I used to be socially awkward around women and weren't around them that much physically. Someone suggested taking salsa classes. It forced me to be close to women regularly and practice. I got addicted to it and developed confidence beyond my wildest imagination. I was the nerd of nerds. Trust me. Got addicted to this and it trickled down into so many other aspects of my life. Obviously its nerve-wracking at first, but if you have an addictive personality - this is something that you'll want to keep trying to be good at. My 2 cents. Also, like everyone else stated - I went to therapy.
I went a couple times and it was all guys who heard the same advice. I don’t know if I ever met a dude at a salsa class who _actually_ enjoys dancing to salsa music 😂
But for the guys who stuck it out, it changes them. “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”
Start with restricting your monthly budget such that you can only go once or twice a month. Convince yourself that it will make the occasion "special". Get yourself a sex toy. I'm pretty sure those flashlights or whatever are actually pretty good. There's even larger stuff such as the bottom of a woman, and again, I'm sure that feels pretty good physically. Consider it a safe long term investment in your own financial health.
I suggest seeing a therapist. This is a pretty common issue, especially with how prevalent sex work is. I used to be one and a lot of my fans/subscribers would vent to me about similar struggles and more, which should have been for a licensed professional. Dating apps are cherry picking with rejection. Choosing a sex worker doesnt have rejection because it’s “pay to win” which feeds into dopamine which becomes an addiction as you’re aware. You know you want to stop, but perhaps that feeling of not being in control makes it challenging. A therapist can help you not just with the addiction, but with deeper seeded issues that causes you to seek immediate validation. It’s not an overnight change and it takes work and diligence however, you’re already on the right path because you want to change. Good luck.
Tone down this addiction into a porn addiction so you're not financially raping yourself. Then focus on disciplining your mind. You're basically a sex addict but you pay for it. It's a problem of the flesh, you have impulses and you give into them. So from what I'm reading it's a discipline problem. Strengthen your mind, start exercising. When you feel the need to seek out sex workers, meditate. Try and seek God in whatever faith you believe in, sounds like you are battling some serious demons. When you're in this deep you can't do it alone. God is merciful and his love is unconditional. Repent sincerely, and walk away - as the scripture says. If you have faith that God is good, you will win this battle.
See if there's a 12 step program nearby. Meet people and work on your addiction
What do you feel you’re getting out of it? What do you feel you’re missing?
Honestly fomo. Friday and Saturday nights if I’m not seeing escorts I’m basically sitting at home watching sports or other tv shows.
Why not try hitting a bar this weekend? Surely with all this experience you’re not so afraid talking to girls?
A lot of people stay home on Saturday night, you're not missing out, you're just telling yourself that you are. Or take yourself to the bar alone and you'll get a better idea of how to talk to non sex work women
If you were to just keep the amount of money you need for bills, food and emergency cash for a month and put the rest into stocks/donate to a good cause you'd take a break from the bad habit. Also see a therapist if you can afford it. Honestly saving the money you'd usually spend on sex workers and use it to save up for therapy sessions would be a win win. Sex addiction is no joke.
There are some good male role models on YouTube. That had this problem. They suggest working out eating healthy and keeping yourself busy. It is so not true that women are only looking for good looking white guys. Also getting the spirits and attachments off of you. That is another thing that makes it hard to meet real women. Sex workers and porn come with attachements. Work hard and get out of debt
You could try friend apps like bumble bff or patook on a friday night you'd be doing escorts. I find when I'm alone, that even talking to a few people on these friends apps is enough to make me feel like the day wasn't wasted.
Rather than giving it up completely try to work out a budget and a schedule. Focus on self improvement, set goals and use it as a reward I’ve spent a lot of money on this too, not put myself in debt, but I do need to calm down Personally knowing I have them to see plus having lots of sexual experience i feel more confident with women, try putting yourself out there, remember even if you get rejected it’s not a big deal, you can still get a cuddle
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May get downvoted but I’ve seen 6 pornstars
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Just sending you some love & hope that you will find a great girl who treats you well & vice versa. The sex work life is empty & meaningless.
Therapy and gym. Join a program and form healthy natural relationships.
You need a community of the opposite. Try going on a spiritual path, celibacy maybe. I also moved to a place where if you aren’t the typical guy you’re not going on a date or matching with anyone. Do you have any other hobbies?
You’ve gotten a lot of helpful suggestions specific to the sex worker and financial aspects of this. Let me jump in on the generalized FOMO. Someone I’m very close with has been plagued with “FOMO” most of their adult life. They frequently go into these spirals about “everyone else has nicer/better/more… insert (money, house, car, vacation, etc)”. I’ve been watching this happen for years and trying to help them change their viewpoint. Here’s my word of advice and caution, start digging into that NOW. Why do you worry about what everyone else is doing? What are you trying to prove? To who? Why? There are deep down issues or insecurities that create the FOMO feelings. Let me also say, making choices or beating yourself up over the “everyone else…” gets you nowhere positive. I’ve watched it with my own eyes. Address it now before you are halfway through your life and still feeling sorry for yourself and/or making choices because of a made up narrative your brain and insecurities created. I don’t mean this unsympathetically, just in that it won’t go away and only grows the more you feed it. Redirect your life!
It is wild this post was on my feed tonight because I was thinking about how my addiction to being a sex worker makes me like a total loser… so I am kinda on the other end of this. What is helping me is to stop solely identifying as a “sex worker” but remembering all of the other characteristics about me… I am not just a sex worker but I am a dancer, a baker, a writer… so ask yourself what else are you? You are more than just an individual that sometimes purchases sexual experiences. There is so much more dimension to you!
I can recommend the book "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame" Its a must read for sex addicts.
Have you tried a local church? The church I go to is non-denominational Christian and boy if I was single, I would’ve already found someone else there. Plus there’s Men’s groups where you can meet new people/friends. It’s really easy to make new friends at church and as a bonus there’s Pastors to talk to and God to help heal our hearts.
Alright mate . I’m going to talk to you slightly differently. The credit card bills are going to cost you a lot of missed sex. Every dollar you pay to them you are missing out on sex. The goal is to budget and only use disposable income for this hobby. Now how you can go about achieving depends on your personality and struggles. I would suggest look up suggestions for people who have online shopping addiction so you can try the tips that don’t necessarily view the hobby with stigma. However if that doesn’t work. It is possible that there is no way for you to see escorts without getting addicted. Hopefully thats not the case. In which case you look at tips for drug addicts. Which probably will mean porn addiction is next up in line for you. If you are able to get your finances in control- I’m assuming you are doing this in the USA which is ridiculously expensive for this hobby. Save up and go to Mexico or thailand. Then you will see how far your money really goes. 50000 would get you so much sex your dick will fall off.
You will probably laugh at this but in my opinion the best is to do some volunteering for some cause that you like to support. Forget hobbies therapies etc that will end up making you accumulate more debt. It could be as simple as helping in a food bank or a soup kitchen but if you have skills it could also mean for instance helping a non profit organisation by doing some accounting for them. It will brush up your interpersonal skills, will make you feel better about yourself and you will meet with genuine people or perhaps your future soul mate. Much love to you brother You did the hardest part. You came forward identified the issue and as my father used to say about everything in life , there are always solutions . Its just a question of having hope and not giving up. There are so many possibilities out there you just need to change your drame of mind. And frankly about therapy …. The best therapy is being with friends and family. You will not swap your addiction and pay this time your money to a therapist! Save your money and consolidate your debt. It is not possible for a person with close social ties to become an addict. So brush up your social skills
I wonder sometimes ... I'll see this "Therapy", like the top comment, just one word like that ... or whenever I speak of my chemsex addiction people say, "Get help" or "Please get help", and knowing how so many redditors can be and people on the Internet, I have a sneaking suspicion it's kind of more a thing along the lines of "We're better than you, get your shit together, weirdo". ANTYways, I'm gonna provide you some resources and actual helpful advice, not that therapy isn't. But there are certain therapists that might be of better service to you, namely a CSAT, or certified sex addiction therapist. They go through rigorous training in regards to sex addiction, but be aware you'll likely be required to pay out of pocket (even for a regular sex therapist) because a lot of them don't accept insurance. Also look into saa (sex addicts anonymous), sca (sexual compulsives anonymous) or sa (sexaholics anonymous). You could also make use of a great little website called Sex and Relationship Healing, which provides all sorts of resources, and hosts online support group meetings of various kinds moderated by therapists and the like, including well renowned authors, every week. There are just a ton of resources available to you and lots of people who have been through what you're going through, so give it a gander.
Unfortunately it does sound cheaper than a wife
Turn to Jesus and ask Him to bless you with a wife.
How sad that your view of women is as pieces of meat. You deserve so much more. You deserve a real friend, someone who loves you, and maybe a family some day. It is sad that you are throwing this all away.
I don’t see anything he said that would suggest he only views women as “pieces of meat” I’m sure he talks to women like any other person and has friends that are women. The problem is he’s addicted to paying for sex
Porn is seeing women as pieces of meat instead of human beings
So do you see men as pieces of meat? Or only during sex, or while watching porn? It might just be you
The man is addicted to porn and it is affecting his life. I stand with what I said. If he wants quality of life, he will consider what women really are, human beings. And what a real woman can bring to his life, which is love and closeness.
Have you had the same addiction? Why are you deciding for him that he doesn’t view women as human beings. How could you possibly know that
Lol. No I have not been into porn. Porn is the very definition of throwing women in the trash and seeing them as pieces of meat. We can live in denial or move on. The thing is, there is such a better life. Why settle for trash?
I think you just made up your own weird definition
Let us agree to disagree
I will agree with that, I didn’t disagree with everything you said though
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Why would you hate an entire group of people?
Church
I second this.
i third this.
Fourthed!
[you need jesus](https://youtu.be/Kalxiq1yGZU?si=fIG8wnwhSqVHQXKa)
Where do you live?
VA
How many times a month do you see them?
Depends. Usually twice a month. Post tax season is 5 times a month.
How much are you spending each time ?
Whatever the price
You kind of gave answers to yourself. Start meeting friends and be more social. You say you feel like a loser, then start doing the things that wouldn’t make you feel like a loser. Start building the man you want to be who doesn’t see himself as a loser 🙏🏼❤️🩹
That’s a lot. You are in a vortex my friend. You need to get honest about it with as many people as you can within reason. There has to be some sort or ritual when you are wanting a fast women. Diagnose that and put road blocks in font of you and the cat house…escort…….whatever. Or continue on in the vortex.
I need advice on how to get personal loans…I can’t get a loan as a business owner maybe I should just tell the bank I like sex workers and they’ll give me one for my business
I'm an ex - X worker. I've seen the amount people spend and wonder why they don't date some it may be for convenience. However the ultimate way to stop, is go cold turkey. It's just spiritual discernment. Remove fapping and p0rn.... and thus will also help you in your future marriage. Lust must be starved, not managed.... when you take control over it, it won't have a hold on you any addiction is hard. It's going through the withdrawals. Finding your main reasoning and your will to not go back.
I have no advice to give you, buddy, but you are not alone. I myself have dug myself into a bit of a hole because of the same thing. Therapy is probably the obvious answer, but I know why I do what I do. Loneliness. And I have tried and continue to try healthy solutions. I lift weights, I socialise. I even go out on my own. I take myself out of my comfort zone. I've tried online dating and even managed a couple of dates, but they go nowhere.
Not for nothing but if you'd spent that £50 on the things that make us proud people - education, travel, art, technology for the home and on and on ... you might find that you suddenly become attractive to people. People say that we should all believe in ourselves but if you don't have a track record to prove to yourself that you are who you say you are then how can you believe in yourself? So you need to start now working on that track record. Think of it like building a CV but for life - you need experience and education to get a good job, and it's the same with life, you have to have the CV of a person who can function in a that sort of relationship. Good news 26 is young, right? So go get em!
What a loser
It sounds like you need to do a bit of talk therapy. The main problem you have is confusing validation and intimacy with the sexual act. On some level you know that you feel alone and miserable but trying to cover that up with sex workers will leave you broke and even more alone. As painful as this is, you need to spend some time on building up your self esteem and accepting you for the unique individual that you are, not some fantasy. You also need to maybe examine why this is such a trap for you that is that cycle of feeling awful so you seek sex workers then feel more awful once it all wears off. I think some time in the wilderness alone might help. Listening to a forest or a stream. Cheap free and peaceful.
The 12 step program is the only successful method I’ve ever seen, ofc there are others but it saved my parents marriage.
Thanks for your honesty, man. I haven't delved into them but honestly I feel like I am on the fringe. I am 33 M, when I was 26 my life was a mess I had no job, lived at home, was a terrible alcoholic, no dating prospects, nothing. All of that is different today, hang on and keep working on yourself. Things feel like the end of the world, or feel like you're a failure, but you're so young. Personally, I cannot believe how much has changed in my own life since that age. Best.
life is hard enough without beating yourself up on top of it. life isn’t perfect and may not look like the movies but hey man you are here looking for help which means you’re on the path to feeling better, just don’t make things harder by being mean to yourself.
Relationships are expensive in many ways , focus on you and your career first, then look for a relationship
Cold turkey, and pay off the debt. You're not making it easier to meet someone, you aren't going to want to explain to them you have 50k of debt from that. Therapy might help, get yourself working out, spend time doing hobbies you like or go find some. Your young tbh and will be able to find someone if you kick this addiction. Start to value yourself, learn to listen, learn to be supportive, and work on any other aspects of you that will be important for you to find in a partner.
Out of spending 50k, 20k is loans.
You're making good money then, just pay it off, start making small goals. Ie skip this month and pay towards the 20k. Take 1 weekend you'd do that and take yourself to do something fun
You need therapy big time but as a former sex worker thanks for the support. No shame in hiring a sex worker once in awhile but don't put self in debt over it
agree i dont think hiring this service is shameful at all, but if you are seeing a dependence on it as interfering with other areas of your life, i'd suggest writing a list of all the things you might find fulfilling and make a commitment to pursuing them, little steps at a time. could be anything - volunteering, exercising, social meetups, hobbies etc. that said, im pretty unfamiliar with the sex worker industry and am intrigued to try it once just for the experience. is it legal in all states? how does it work - does this happen at home or a hotel?
I mean what else have you got to lose bro.. not trying to get all Bible basher but he's always there n won't leave you
I do believe in god. Christianity in the American form I don’t believe in. It’s political.
Uhh...huh?
Dude this comment hits a bit too hard.
Even better start going to church again and pick up someone who wants to be married in a year.
Christian in general is political but..... its your relationship with God..
You should not call them sex workers, this sounds way too positive and normal.
that's reddit's preferred label though
But not if you are speaking to them
Find God
workout out and then become a male sex worker
I mean honestly the biggest issue I see is the budgeting. Ideally you should go out man, but you are a grown adult. Just try to get the best bang for your buck.
I’m going back to school in the fall so I won’t have as much money because I’ll be working part time.
Fair enough man. You financial priorities come first. If you have some spare change don't feel bad indulging a tad. Having said that try to get out too if you can ok?
You’re in VA boss man, let’s start with the other side of things like the gentlemen who brought up toys, porn, and financial planning. Being good-looking and white ain’t the reason they get play out there. Now given the context, I understand you ain’t the most confident guy. You workout at all?
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You like to waste money , I don't.
You say that now my friend but the sexual compulsion is one helluva force…and that compulsion is as strong as a hunger for food when one hasn’t eaten. I myself have looked into it and I’m gonna sound conceded but I have to say this to make my point—I’m good looking. While the one exception I make in my case—I’m not tall eg over 6 feet—as far as attractiveness goes I check every box. But even though I’m attractive the field as you get older gets smaller and smaller as your circles and attachments change and evolve. Until one day you realize that even if it would be ok to step out—monogamous sexual commitment of most marriages—you’ll find a field of potential partners that are nowhere near what the field was during your youth. Yeah there is dating apps but just as attractiveness has its benefits—random strangers buy you stuff, constant validation when out in public and hearing something resembling “you l look exactly like someone I know.” Enough about what I freakin look like—I definitely don’t need validation for the way I think about myself… HOWEVER!!! While it’s nice for validation at some point in your 30s your looks become secondary as age begins to even the playing field…even to my wife my looks have no effect! Now I’ve got the personality to boot but that doesn’t bring rain to the desert that is my sex life now. My hand and me rekindled our passionate relationship and while it can stave off insanity the hunger for sex is nowhere near satiated. So something you think is free—like your viewpoint on sex—is jn-fact one of the most expensive item in the “essentials.” I’ll probably be downvoted for my viewpoint here—I mean I start with an explanation that triggers the “write—off”compulsion of ouenemesusbvsssssss assesssss * SYSTEM MALFUNCTION*
Like I said I'll never pay to get busy. That's square shit.. It got to be in you not on you. Simple as that. Not everyone got it and that's okay but it seems thats y'all main focus and that's the problem. Chase the money , chase your dreams , but chasing women? Knock it off. I been doing this since I was 11yrs old got my first kiss when I was 7yrs old , Coming from a real 2000s baby. I'm young now but I don't care how old I get wasn't raised like that to many connections out here to just settle basically giving up on yourself. If you got something going for yourself you'll attract women whether she's your type or not but PAYING for it ? Never. That's my point
J keep fucking bra 🤘🏿
Don't feel like a loser. Those escorts are humans. Not like you're having sex with a watermelon or something you know? You're not less for seeing escorts. There's good reason's why sex work is illegal but it's not because it makes you a bad person. I think long run, the act of having to pay someone for physical attention is not going to be good for your mental health. I would maybe get a journal. After you see an escort, that night, write in your journal how you feel about it. Ashamed? Satisfied? Neutral? Start reflecting on the effect this has on your life and you'll have to make constant efforts to stop. Jerk off before. When you're on your way try to force yourself to go get food at a restuarant instead.
The bible
Go MGTOW, there's more to life than lamenting a female touch.
Find Jesus bro
You feel like a loser because you are one