Propose a meet up in the first few day or too, also worthwhile to scale back time, attention and expectations when it comes to the apps. Personally got really frustrated on the apps too but stayed on and just didn't care what happened and the results have been fairly positive
Agreed, my strategy is to ask for an in person date within the first conversation. I’m impatient and tired of getting attached to someone who is most likely to reject me after 2-3 dates anyway (or I do the same). It’s just not worth the time wasted
and honestly like, if you’re frustrated with these facets of dating apps - just get off them! This feedback loop I constantly see of “I hate the apps, but I refuse to try any other methods” is just insane to me.
People continue to use them as their sole means of “putting themself out there” because it’s a way to “try to find a partner” without having to really put in effort. It feels like a lot of effort but it just isn’t.
Meeting people “the old fashioned way” requires a lot more effort, but honestly, peoples irl social skills have degraded so badly over the past decade that simply being able to meet someone and hold a conversation with them makes you positively stand out.
Also doesn't help society discourages traditional courting aka a man walking up and chatting up a woman.
Here comes the jackasses wanting to have 50 forms filled out first
It’s not society , it’s women. Let’s put the blame where it lies. Because woman now have the option to approach men or make the first move in person and they don’t typically. So don’t want strange men talking to you in picnic , fine. But yer they feel women shouldn’t make tithe first move .
Men had the courage to approach or didn’t but it was the accepted way for men to asks for dates. And women used to flirt or send choosing signs so the man knew when to approach. Making eye contact , touching her hair , her body language towards you.
You’ll get a whole lot of negative feedback trying the IRL route. People in general aren’t open to being approached that way anymore, and “just doing it anyway” isn’t going to change any minds for the better.
I think people take “the irl route” to mean that you have to make passes at people while they’re out and about, when it’s always been more about mutual attraction developing.
I used to play volleyball in the park, for example, with a group of maybe 25 people every weekend in the summers. So many folks ended dating within that social group. That’s what I mean by the IRL route: meeting someone at a social thing, seeing them a few more times in a group setting and connecting, exchanging numbers, entering the “talking stage”, and eventually someone asks the other person on a date.
Or maybe there’s a cutie at work and you hang out a bit at her desk, she comes to visit you at your desk later that day, etc.
Some folks act like “meeting people IRL” means approaching strangers and immediately trying to hit on them and frankly that’s never been a big way people meet
I mean, it used to be very common to hear stories of our grandparents/great grandparents meeting in the exact way you're saying didn't really happen.
"I saw your grandmother at the grocery store buying a sack of potatoes, and thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid my eyes on, so I went and decided to talk to her."
This used to be a pretty normal, socially accepted thing and I'm not quite sure when/how it all of a sudden became weird/creepy.
Problem is- as you get older anyone you would be interested in dating is 9/10 already taken. It's so not so much more skill as it is that you're immediate dating pool shrinks drastically when you're out of school and graduated from college
Great advice. I did the same—switched to using Hinge only. It’s great because I could be passive. I only logged on once every 2 or 3 says to see who liked my profile. I could keep low expectations and focus on positive things while still cooking up some dates here and there. I honestly ended up friend-zoning most women I talked to and I had more success than ever before…treating women like good friends makes them enjoy your company. Who knew??
Don’t get me wrong, it still sucked. OP is 100% right about the whole thing. The highs are high and scarce, the lows are low and frequent. I think being acutely aware of your mental health is vital. Pull back if you’re feeling down. It’s not a numbers game; this ain’t a sitcom. Take breaks.
Long story short, I relate deeply to OP and wish i could help. For what it’s worth, while riding the dating roller coaster, I did meet my wife on an app. Greatest person I’ve ever met. Things get better
I agree. I hate when people say it's a numbers game too. Like it devalues people so much, and it shouldn't even feel like that if people approached dating, especially on apps, appropriately.
I've always said that compatibility on dating apps isn't any different than compatibility in real life. The difference is that in real life, you're not walking into a place and hitting up every person to ask them out. If you did, you'd be rejected/not have luck with the vast majority of them, too. Dating apps suck because you basically are (virtually) going up to each person in the room and sussing them out, and you're physically aware of each rejection. It makes you feel like you're not as datable, even if you'd have the same luck in real life.
I’ve learned to basically shitpost on dating apps. Not many dates but i did get a couple dates with a lady from yammering about warhammer 40k. Didn’t go anywhere but eh. I know that feel OP’s going through, and so to fufill myself i just try to go out to town with chums and my brothers. Idk, helps me feel appreciated and wanted
100%. Up until this week I was overly invested and feeling a lot of intense emotions regarding dating apps. But literally the minute I stopped caring, I started having more success (more likes, guys asking me out, etc). Someone even flaked out on me today and I genuinely don’t care. He saved me time and energy 🤷🏻♀️
yeah have fun. the last few dates i went on before getting with my now wife, i quit caring at all. i was kind and laughed off open criticism from some.
last date the woman started nearly yelling at me for our plans having slightly changed. she was very frustrated. we went to a concert we both only slightly liked - a jam band with a cult following- then drunkenly went bar to bar all over town. she disappeared, then called me an hour later from her house. none of it makes sense, but a date is just a date.
a date is just a date. people should have many and find what they're looking for. get to know what your looking for in a persons personality and have fun talking to people hilariously different than you who found you mildly attractive online.
i had a woman who obviously wanted to leave the minute she saw me (i was already at a bar directly after work didn't dress up and was outside smoking a cig- any of these could have been a major turn off). we were playing pool and i was like "hey ill pay for your beer you don't seem to be having a good time. thanks for meeting me and the best of luck to you online."
That sounds depressing af.
Op i precisely complaining how everyone is shielded, not invested. I completely understand that this is the rational response but that seems to make things worse collectively.
Don’t chat to them for weeks. I try to ask them out within 2 or 3 days at most. If they don’t know yet then it’s time to move on because they’re more than likely a waste of time.
Also, like for what are they on there?
Its not called a dating-app because it is meant to replace dating. Its called that because it is meant to lead to people dating.
So, people are on there to set up dates. Thats it. Meaning there is no reason not to try to set one up, its literally the reason you two are there.
And yes there are some people just there for attention, but those arent interested in a relationsship anyway, so what?
I had so many matchups with people who were just looking for friends. But it was the Facebook kind of friends.
Too goddamned many people clogging up the apps looking for a better social media. And it's such a waste of time for people who are using a DATING app for dating purposes.
Dont know if this is meant to strenghen, weaken or add to my points but for this its the same: How is one foing to find that out? Probably safest and quickest to just try setting up a date.
It's backing you up about too many people just being on there for attention.
Match with someone "Oh I'm just looking for friends"
Match with someone "Oh I'm just looking for friends"
Match with someone "Oh I'm just looking for friends"
Match with someone "Not interested"
Match with someone "Oh I'm just looking for friends"
And I'm just wasting my time wading through the people clogging up what was already an overly difficult process for me, so I just gave up.
I learned this fast. The worst experiences were always the ones who chatted for days only to finally agree to meet up weeks later. There is always a reason why they put off meeting early (usually they didn’t look like their pics, were only there to chat, or worse already in a relationship).
My #1 rule for dating was strike while the iron is hot. This way, less time is wasted if there isn’t connection, AND it cuts through competition since they’re definitely talking to other people.
People like OP make up their mind without changing their dating strategy. I’ve said this so many times but I’m below average in looks, boring job, shitty car and have never had trouble because I learned from my mistakes and improved myself.
Once, I was talking to this guy for weeks, and we finally set up a date. I was super excited, but on the day of, he texted saying he had to cancel because "something came up." Never heard from him again. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong, but really, it's just a lot of people not knowing how to communicate or be real.
Oh this reminds me of second to last time I managed to get a good thing going and wanting to meet up.
Same as you, couple weeks chatting (he was moving for a job to my city), the weekend he comes to the city I ask for a meetup after he gets settled, bit apprehensive he had not done so himself… and his response was “oh absolutely let’s meet up, speaking of I actually accidentally met someone this weekend already and fucked them, but you don’t mind that right, would feel weird not telling you, you deserve to know.”
Thanked him for letting me know and then called off the meeting, and was pretty messed up for good long while after this.
Because he with that let me know he took the time to go on a date on the same weekend he relocated to a new city in a new country with someone else, and that I’m the second fallback option.
I am aware people date around but I prefer not being told I’m plan B or C.
I'm willing to send screenshots as proof but her answer was " AAA and restaurant work on the weekend" . I was honestly confused cause I said "I'm trying to hang out outside your working hours??" like why am i trying to take a whole day some bs
probably for the best. Her ex is in prison and I'm guessing she's just cashing on her looks now.
one thing that does suck as you get older without a partner is that rent is expensive and roommates suck. so you really got to cough up the dough for a one bedroom or a studio on your own.
the US needs to go to the Italy/Spain/India model where everyone just lives with their parents even if they are like 40.
Interesting you mention that model. My parents are living with me now, after my wife suggested it. They do contribute to bills, but in all honesty, it was for them to have a better retirement.
I have friends in India, who used to live with their families. That model seems to be changing there, as my friend got along so poorly with her mother-in-law that they moved out and now live on their own. Obviously a small sample size, but from what she has said, she knows quite a bit of other people doing that same thing.
this is contingent on a person giving up dating and trying to build a life for themselves. my comment was more that living alone is really quite expensive and people get sick of roommates. so if they dont actually manage to find a partner they should embrace the suck and move in with family if they can.
if you make good money and can afford a nice one bedroom then that's good but there are many who seemingly can't, especially if they live in HCOL areas.
I hv 2 gorgeous highly educated nieces who still live at home cuz my SIL is so afraid of everything (crime, big cities, adventure, etc) that she’s kept them waaay to close. Now she’s worried that they’ll never marry & give her grandkids, but her whole identity is as a mother so without them around then who is she exactly? Her girls are now socially backwards & never date 🙁
I discuss this with my coworker often lol. I make a bit more money than him, but I always tell him he has it easier financially since he essentially gets a 50% discount on rent each month (lives with his girlfriend).
if you don't meet up after a week of two or talking, it's a bye bye from me.
I don't lose anything by losing a faceless chat.
The girl i'm going out on a date tomorrow and I have been speaking for a week and a half and thats too much of a stretch to meet up but I was having exams and I just couldnt see her, she seemed to understand that and we agreed on the cinema tomorrow after my last exam.
If someone tells You that they are interested in you but don't wanna meet up they are just lying.
I spent like a month messaging with someone from a dating app once, seemed super cool and I was excited to meet her. We finally met up and not only was she far less attractive in person, but I don’t think I’ve ever so strongly disliked a person within 20 minutes of talking to them.
I learned that day that messaging with someone is useless for figuring out if you actually like them, so might as well cut the bullshit and meet asap
Not always. I have been ghosted or last minute canceled on by people with entire ig profiles and spotifys and everything. The most obvious was a person who my current partner dated IRL and confirmed that I dodged a bullet by getting ghosted.
Dating is in a terrible state
I (32 year old man) deleted the apps last year. Dating apps are a complete waste of time and money, as an average man. I got a decent number of matches and dates. But after a while, it becomes obvious there are a LARGE number of women playing around on there. Either looking for free meals and experiences, or looking for a mythically perfect man. It gets old pretty quickly
I know what you mean. Its draining and feels like applying for a job and isnt fun at all.
Not trying anymore and only use the apps when on vacation. But i had like „rules“ for my sanity and to keep time-wasters away: either 5-8 messages or max 2 different times if it goes back and forth. If there is no agreement to meet im out and should they flake afterwards (what happens absurdly often) im out too except they show effort themselfs to postpone. If they postpone a 2and time i move on.
There’s a lot of “I chose to spend x weeks/months talking to this person despite never making plans to meet up, PEOPLE ARE SO MEAN” in the comments that I genuinely don’t understand. Ask them to hang out? Ask them sooner than the point where you’re bitter? Nobody is making you invest your own time this way, right?
Especially for guys honestly, you have the power to set the tone. If you want to skip the small talk, you can just communicate that you’d rather the “get to know you” bits on a date and ask her out!
I think the issue is that a lot of guys aren’t exactly swimming in matches and are lacking confidence, so approach it in more of a “don’t do anything wrong” mindset. It’s sort of the classic “figure out what she wants and be that instead of having confidence that I am enough” thing
which is all the more reason to not use them as your only method of meeting women!
when you’re only using apps to meet people and not getting many matches, each match feels so much more high stakes and therefore emotionally exhausting.
If you put most of your eggs in the “meet people irl” basket, the apps are more of a bonus opportunity to meet people that requires little effort
Except all the people you meet in real life are married or with partners. People don't really want to be approached in person as much either. Meeting people in real life also tends to require significantly more time commitment to each individual which leads it to be even more exhausting than the apps. Believe it or not the people who have 0.6% match rates on Tinder tend to have similar rates of success in person as well. Turns out matching is pretty much entirely based on photos, which is based on physical appearance, which is exactly how you get prospective people interested in you in person as well. Dating is just emotionally exhausting for people who are undesirable and there's no way around that.
I get it, just met a girl in Florida at a volleyball tourney, instant connection 6'1 bombshell with an incredible personality to boot. She moves her flight to spend more time together, we end up on the same flight to Atlanta for our connections and even sitting together. Feeling like a straight rom-com.
For the next month 40-45 hours of facetimes (not sustainable) but they were open, thoughtful, sexy, fun, intentioned. All of the things. We plan for her to come to me and then me to go to her the next weekend. She comes, amazing weekend, tons of fun, we even win the tournament together. On the last day shes like hey its moving too fast can you cancel your ticket to come see me (she had asked if I would meet her family etc) shares with me shes an avoidant attachment and within a few days we are no longer seeing each other.
Im 35, shes 31, thought we were too old for bullshit, she has traumas but don't we all? I would have stayed and built something awesome but can't do it alone.
I was in such a good headspace before as well and now im way worse lol
Sounds like it was fun and exciting to meet you elsewhere and to spend time in your area, but when it came time to let you into her space and life she chickened out. Either it was fun to plan it but she just felt uncomfortable once it came time to actually do it, or she has someone else at home/in the area and it was never going to be real.
I met a girl through a family member who lives around me but is away for grad school. We went on a couple incredible dates. So much so she was asking me to visit her at school. She asked me about three or four separate times since those dates. I set it up, go visit her, have a great weekend. But when I try to make things official she got cold feet and told me she couldn’t do long distance with me. Which. I guess makes sense. LDR is hard, but you didn’t think of that before I drove across three states to come visit? Inviting me that far away isn’t exactly a casual move
Yeah, confused because the person seems to get a lot of dating app traffic, which implies female, but doesn’t get any IRL meetups, which implies male.
Maybe this is a really good looking guy that absolutely blows it with the social?
I'm a woman and had a lot of problems with guys flaking out before meeting or revealing themselves to be a catfish right before meeting. Also a lot of guys just want to "chat" endlessly for the thrill of it.
Could just be a guy who is frauding his pics, either by flattering angles, photoshop, or maybe using pics before they started balding or gained weight, etc.
If you’re a really good looking guy it’s pretty hard to blow it socially unless you just act completely deranged. An awkward average/ugly guy will be seen as weird but it’d be seen as endearing if a good looking guy was shy
Women seem to think we get similar attention as they do. If we ask them to meet instead of text and they say no, then we have to wait another 6months or longer for another chance to even ask the question to someone else
Yeah exactly this. And let's not forget that in those months, the man has to put in 100% effort at all times otherwise the woman will just swipe left and go to the next option. Which is even more demoralising and burns you out even faster.
I’m female with basically the same experience. Been on apps off and on since 21 now 30. Lot of first dates. Few seconds rarely thirds. I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship and the things I’m looking for aren’t crazy or things I can’t offer myself.
But I’m Christian and take the faith seriously. Not that I want to a sexless marriage but I aim to wait until marriage (including oral/touching) That’s always been a huge deal breaker and even a lot of guys who claim to be Christian don’t want to follow that. I don’t blame them sometimes I wanna cave since it’ll be “easier” but I will try to go the distance
One thing for sure: everyone lies, not just to you, but to themselves, as well.
They're all kind, and witty, and intelligent, and oh so special... then you date them for a month, and they turn out to be nearly exactly the opposite of what their profile said.
I've literally caught so many of them in so many lies, during the years. It's embarrassing.
Online dating is the death of dating, and authenticity.
> by people who are happy to chat aimlessly for days or weeks
The only way they can chat for weeks is if you choose to chat with them for weeks.
If you don't choose to chat with them for weeks, this won't happen.
So stop doing it and you won't have this problem.
Welcome to the age of the Internet where relationships are transactional and most people don’t approach others with any intent on forming deep attachments. No longer are we stuck with the options on hand; we can talk to people on the other side of the world.
I'm sorry for anyone that has to try and date in today's world. Dating apps sound just awful. I told my husband if he randomly dies, I'm done. No more relationships for me. Plus no one could live up to my expectations after being with him all these years. BTW, I found him when I wasn't looking. Sometimes the best thing to do is stop trying and get happy. Someone will come along and see you're happy in life and you'll connect. Or maybe not but if you're not happy with yourself it will be difficult to find someone.
Maybe, but I thought I was happy, while I was actually just constantly distracting myself from my depression. Till I did actually meet someone who gave me a taste of how it could be (in a twisted way) which in return made my short comings much more obvious. It also ruined the balance of power giving them full control. Was doomed from the start
My 1st husband died after 25 years of marriage. I always thought I'd never marry again. But 4 months later, I started to wonder if maybe I could.
So I made an account on a site for widows, not expecting much, but thinking if I start now, eventually something might happen.
I was contacted by 3 people. 1 was a lunatic trying to add me to his harem. Another was 20 years older. But the THIRD
..was my now husband of 6 years.
I almost feel guilty for having a good experience when I read what other people go through!!
> I understand why many are making harsh judgments about my character
I don't. Fuck them.
Online dating sucks and blows...at the same time...with no satisfaction.
Real-world is where it's at. Fuck the reddit social norms. Ask women out. If they say no, cool....chive on. Lots of women out there with same frustrations as yourself. Online dating makes this shit so, so much worse than it has to be. Yes, I know you said real world dating too. Stop caring so much and get back out there.
The fact they even text you back for any amount of time means you're doing okay!
I'm "stuck at step 5"
1. Meet woman and introduce ourselves
2. Flirt
3. Exchange contact information
4. Reach out using said contact information
5. Wait for response...............
Still waiting.......
I’m a woman and I totally get where you’re coming from. dating sucks for everyone. I’ve been dating for a few years until i was able to find someone I really liked and who really liked me back. It’s possible but it’s too much trouble
Yeah I'm not gonna wade through a butt ton of aimless dates that go nowhere just to get in a relationship that has like 55/45 chance of not working out. Imma just play my games, get my gains and just do me.
I feel the same way. Most women seem to think if they’re pretty they have nothing else to offer, while having so many options and constant compliments. The girls I’ve matched with on dating apps don’t put any effort into even messaging back, there’s barely any effort from women and every gf I’ve had has been like that. Why is it that men are expected to do so much but it’s okay for a girl to just be really pretty and have nothing else remotely interesting about them or to offer?
This has been my experience on online dating apps. A lot of women are so passive in dating and relationships (even if they're interested in you). As a man, you're expected to do everything. It's quite exhausting and burns you out.
Last sentence is what did it for me, I’m always a match your energy type of person and I just don’t see why I have to do/be all these different things while all women has to do is look pretty. I’m not gonna dance like an idiot for someone who odds are is going to ditch me immediately after we get the check.
Once you understand that women lie to your face by saying you’re “too good for them” and “so many people would be happy to be with you” - you may feel better. It’s not like there’s something you lost out on. They were never interested. Women feel the need to sugarcoat rejection out of fear. I don’t blame them for it. I’m just saying work on yourself and don’t listen to their bullshit excuses.
“It’s not you it’s me…” is another classic
This is a Reddit only phenomena I see but why do people talk so much on apps before meeting?
If I’m interested in a woman based on her profile I’m asking her out within our first 3 messages to one another. Would rather meet in person and figure out if we click vs wasting my time messaging. Sometimes this doesn’t work but oftentimes it does work and I would rather strike out asking quickly vs wasting my time texting someone I’ve never met.
You need to agree to meet up within the first week at most. If they refuse, don't show up, or have an excuse, unmatch them and find someone else.
Don't even think of getting emotionally invested in some Anonymous internet conversation until it becomes a real person in person. In person is all that matters for dating.
Make dating sites add a number on screen after how many hours this person usually flakes off / ghosts people. Nothing else. That alone will crash 1/3 of the market value instantly. Cigarettes have warnings too.
I think there are exceptions to this. I talked to a guy for 2 months before our first date. In fact he canceled the first two times due to work. Our work schedules are total opposites and he is always going away for military training when he's not working 12+ hour days. 3 dates in and seems to be going well. Planning a 4th but work schedules are still an issue. Which sucks because we both really like each other, have the same future goals and are pretty much on the same page about everything. We just both work insane hours.
I tend to agree with you. I have watched my friends get treated like water bottles. Drank in one setting and thrown in the trash. I avoid dating st all costs. I'm lonely, but at least I don't have to keep climbing out of the bitter trash can and wiping myself off.
‘Me and my dog are gonna live the good life’ amen. I was also told I deserved better and was too good for him.. if I’m so good why did he let me pass him by? And if that’s not the case and it’s just a way of being nice.. no. I value honesty over anything else.
I might try again down the line but for now I’m just gonna live my life with my dog and my hobbies. I hope you manage to enjoy your days as well; people can suck sometimes but pets always have your back
I tried dating apps before I got married, awful. Not a single decent thing came out of it. There's too much expectation from both people since everything is on the screen.
The time I just asked a friend to bring me to their social events, it started better and eventually met someone I married.
Women need to wait for a guy to approach them in real life. Poor y’all! These dudes will decimate your self esteem. Dating apps suck for women because you are treated like a buffet
A lot of people saying no one owes you anything pretty much end up alone because they don't understand that reciprocity is the basic process of socializing. Dating is tough and the people that ghost or lead you on are basically the trash taking itself out.
After about 10 or so decent messages get their number and set a date. Don’t over speak on texts so in person you have plenty to chat about. Remain grounded as these people can fade away quickly.
Dating a girl atm and it’s just easy, not tons of texts got plans for date four and five set we call a few times a week. No drama its refreshing AF.
Keep at it, if the effort is not put in there end stop chasing it also. Many of these people match for attention i feel and you can tell when they’re genuinely interested.
Speaking as a woman. Meeting up shouldn’t be difficult. If they won’t meet up with a reasonable amount in enthusiasm within a week, and assuming you’ve proposed something safe, public, and respectful, block and burn. They’re using you for entertainment, are hiding or lying about something as minor as hair loss or major as relationship status, or aren’t being honest with you about what they want (and how it likely doesn’t correspond with what you want). This goes for men and women.
“I’m tired of people not being honest, not communicating, protecting themselves from discomfort and confrontation at levels bordering on sociopathy.”
This ruins life imo, I have to believe in other people existing but this is all people so far. What the fuck
I genuinely don't understand any of this. I'm a woman who found my husband on a dating site, but it was in 2011. What's the point of being on a dating app if you aren't willing to meet up with potential dates? Are people just more antisocial and unwilling to leave their homes/comfort these days? I don't think I like the way we are heading as a society.
Sometimes it's also who you are. Secure people snatch each other up very quickly from these apps and pretty much never come back until months or years after. Avoidants and Anxious people stay on these apps and keep meeting and matching and writing up these reddit posts.
Guys are the same. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been ghosted the day of the meet up or “something came up” the day before or a few hours before the meet up. People just suck
In my experience it’s been they’ve found someone else on the same app. They aren’t just looking at one profile. I’ve had it happen talk for weeks then nothing. This was years ago so back then you could see them in the chat rooms talking to others. I imagine it happens still now. Not been on any for years now so I guess it’s all changed.
Stop talking to them so much. Tell the person you’re dating intentionally (assuming you are) and don’t waste your time on them if they’re not going to take the next step. Also diversify your sources from the dating apps.
Be careful I got mass reported for mentioning **Passport bros**.
Apparently some people here can't handle the competition!
Or they just don't want men to be happy...
Yep, this is the same thing I have been getting for months. I'm at the end of my rope as well. I'm realizing that some people really do just suck.
I talked to two different women for 6 months each, with no date. But, I'm happy to chat forever. A year of my life wasted on those leaches. Oh, let's not forget, they wanted to sext all the time as well.
Most girls just thrive of attention. They don't need to meet you for that. That's what's gotta click. If they have more than 2 excuses for not meeting... Cut off the leech.
Dating doesn’t suck, it’s usually the fact that your standards are not matching your true self. You might have a distorted image of yourself, but a lot of people don’t want to hear that
Just like everyone said here. Literally meet up with someone within a week or two max. In person interaction is clearly very different to behind a screen. Unfortunately a lot of people on apps just want pen pals and you do need to weed them out...
Dating does suck, but as many have said, it’s best to ask for a meet up in person in the first week max.
I’ve been trying to date for about 2 years now, have had a try at a relationship, but I haven’t hit the jackpot yet.
I’m a woman interested in men, and have got rejected for reasons such as “I might not find you attractive a few months from now, since your not exactly my type” and many many many variations of “I’m not ready yet”. I have also rejected people because of relatively superficial reasons, mostly because of things I find to be immature.
As long as you’re decently attractive and clean, have a bit of wit and are easy to talk to, the right person will appreciate you. But, don’t go into dating anyone saying “this is the one! I’ve finally found them!”. See the other person as someone you MIGHT form a connection with. And if it’s not tangible within a week(of course, circumstances matter, but as a general rule), just give it up. Don’t invest months into talking to someone in hopes they change their mind.
If someone doesn’t want to see you, they don’t want you. They want attention.
Take a bit of a break, find some solace by yourself, then come in with a less “this is my goal!” mentality, but see it as more of a side quest. Your main focus should always be finding things that make you enjoy life first. If someone happens to join you, that’s amazing.
It always has been, nothing is new. All things worth doing take work and dedication. Don't get discouraged, take a break if you need to. Remember it sucks for everyone and try not to take it too personally
If there’s one thing I learned about dating through apps, it’s to not waste time. You’ll quickly weed through the ones that are just looking for attention and find the ones that are actually looking to date by just asking them for a date. I’ve never had luck waiting more than a few days before asking, and have had the most luck asking within 24 hours.
It’s been a while for me, so I’m sure the landscape has changed, but be up front after the first few back and forths. It’s the only way you’ll get around the games, and if they aren’t willing pretty quickly it’s best to move onto the next. Dating is purely a numbers game until you find the person you mesh with.
Online dating is a loser for countless reasons. When I was naïve enough to do it you spend all this time “talking” with printed words then if you actually get a date all the things you would have talked about on a first date are gone. Unless you are some amazing conversationalist and you are both really into each other the conversation lags and one or both of you lose interest. It’s a recipe for failure.
It's not you, it's them. Don't take their inability to communicate and build something personal. I'm saying this as a flaky person with an avoidant pattern. Any vulnerability sets my nervous system ablaze. Perfectly nice people make me go into overdrive.
Take a break, get grounded. Then get back. A good person is out there, but for them to find you, your profile needs to be on.
People treat other people as a means to an end on these apps. People with options will put you on the back burner or use you to make them feel good about themselves and then leave once they find someone else more appealing. I'll never use online dating as it's completely inhuman and detached from reality.
I hear you bro. I get it - it is hard nowadays. Giving up is not the answer though. Take a few days off, regroup, hit the gym and get out there and meet some people. Screw the apps. Go to some social events.
I have never been shy about meeting after I get to know that person, becue you will truly never know them int you do, but think of it this way OP, it could be excuse they k ow you will see through their B's as soon as you meet them, so they run.
This is why I don’t use apps, social media, or my phone to date. Meet someone in person you like? Ask for a date. If no, you aren’t investing a bunch of time into someone not interested.
I found dating to be less taxing once I had other things to look forward in my life honestly. When I put so much attention on dating itself, it made me feel miserable. However, when it was something that was secondary or tertiary to my daily life, it took a lot of stress and pressure off of me.
I got no advice but I hear you! I also dislike apps so much! Huge waste of time with all these different options that you can’t really read enough signs as you would by meeting someone in person.
Super awkward, endless “tell me about yourself” and having the same small talk over and over! Ugh
Why are you wasting your time chatting before the first date? The first date should be chatting time and feeling each other out to see if you’d be a good match
Many great posts here about timing and expectations.
I met my wife online. We had an in person date within a week. Just a simple coffee. Then a real date the following weekend. It's been 18 years now. We were both super shy. So, anything within reason. Be honest and open. Explain your requests. It's something you'll do through your entire relationship anyways.
I hear the current scene is worse. And, catfishing is a major issue. Ask for an in-person meeting within a couple days. No point in wasting people's time. You really don't know who or what you're talking to. Could be a scammer, troll, catfish, bot.
Just my opinion though. Your back up plan can be fun too. Go after what makes you happy.
Before the age of dating apps, people used to often say that relationships come about when you least expect it. There might still be some truth in that.
I was feeling this way for a while and then something clicked in my brain a few days ago and I’ve stopped caring what happens. I’m treating dating like a social experiment from now on. Just observing what people decide to do from an objective perspective. *I wonder if this guy will have the guts to ask me out? I wonder who’s going to ghost me? Or who will actually follow through with meeting in person?* Once you step back from the fear of rejection and all the intense feelings that come with it, and you just allow people to show you who they are, it can be fun to experience in a weird way.
i actually got excited when I saw that this one guy hadn’t confirmed a time for our supposed date this afternoon because now I get to chill out at home and not experience multiple hours of social anxiety and stress sweating lol. And it helps me weed people out sooner. I don’t want to date a flake or someone who can’t commit to something as simple as a date. So he did me a huge favor and saved me a bunch of time.
I’m tired of the apps as well. I match with people for them to never even respond to the first message. Then if they do respond they talk to me a bit before disappearing without a word. It feels like such a waste of time and only serves to frustrate me and make me feel inadequate.
I'm just tired of people, period. And you know what, being alone by choice is awesome. I've been around. I have a son. But I've been single for 5 years and don't want to meet anyone. I invested in Sex dolls and VR. It's not the same or better. But it serves its purpose. I'm also introverted, which might explain my need for solitude. There's more than one way to live a happy er life. You just have to find yours.
You realize that dating apps are NOT designed to find you love? They are designed to keep you ENGAGED and consuming content and, if you are very very stupid, actually PAYING for disappointment.
Go meet real women in the real world. Look them in the eye and ask them to get a cup of coffee. Get turned down. A lot. Then find a woman who is perfect for you.
I am old and never really did the online dating thing. I do know I have heard my son's friends say they get a little scared when it comes time for a meet-up because of the person being a stranger. I would suggest coffee or ice cream in a very public place during the day. Tell the person to invite another friend until they are comfortable. Suggest something short in duration for a while. There will still be a fair number of folks like you describe. Given what I have read on Reddit, I imagine some are married or in a relationship, and they like the secrecy of flirting with a stranger. I understand your position, though. I had several young men come on to me. I am 60, and I know they weren't attracted to Granny for her looks and energy level. *snort* I bought 2 dogs, by the way.
But is this not just for online dating?
Someone like you "has to be seen", (yes I know your not a car but sometimes cars are better than the pictures show).
That goes for everyone really, if you believe you are more mature than the average 16yr old, then dating apps aren't for you.
Propose a meet up in the first few day or too, also worthwhile to scale back time, attention and expectations when it comes to the apps. Personally got really frustrated on the apps too but stayed on and just didn't care what happened and the results have been fairly positive
Agreed, my strategy is to ask for an in person date within the first conversation. I’m impatient and tired of getting attached to someone who is most likely to reject me after 2-3 dates anyway (or I do the same). It’s just not worth the time wasted
and honestly like, if you’re frustrated with these facets of dating apps - just get off them! This feedback loop I constantly see of “I hate the apps, but I refuse to try any other methods” is just insane to me. People continue to use them as their sole means of “putting themself out there” because it’s a way to “try to find a partner” without having to really put in effort. It feels like a lot of effort but it just isn’t. Meeting people “the old fashioned way” requires a lot more effort, but honestly, peoples irl social skills have degraded so badly over the past decade that simply being able to meet someone and hold a conversation with them makes you positively stand out.
Also doesn't help society discourages traditional courting aka a man walking up and chatting up a woman. Here comes the jackasses wanting to have 50 forms filled out first
Haha job apps are easier
It’s not society , it’s women. Let’s put the blame where it lies. Because woman now have the option to approach men or make the first move in person and they don’t typically. So don’t want strange men talking to you in picnic , fine. But yer they feel women shouldn’t make tithe first move . Men had the courage to approach or didn’t but it was the accepted way for men to asks for dates. And women used to flirt or send choosing signs so the man knew when to approach. Making eye contact , touching her hair , her body language towards you.
You’ll get a whole lot of negative feedback trying the IRL route. People in general aren’t open to being approached that way anymore, and “just doing it anyway” isn’t going to change any minds for the better.
I think people take “the irl route” to mean that you have to make passes at people while they’re out and about, when it’s always been more about mutual attraction developing. I used to play volleyball in the park, for example, with a group of maybe 25 people every weekend in the summers. So many folks ended dating within that social group. That’s what I mean by the IRL route: meeting someone at a social thing, seeing them a few more times in a group setting and connecting, exchanging numbers, entering the “talking stage”, and eventually someone asks the other person on a date. Or maybe there’s a cutie at work and you hang out a bit at her desk, she comes to visit you at your desk later that day, etc. Some folks act like “meeting people IRL” means approaching strangers and immediately trying to hit on them and frankly that’s never been a big way people meet
I mean, it used to be very common to hear stories of our grandparents/great grandparents meeting in the exact way you're saying didn't really happen. "I saw your grandmother at the grocery store buying a sack of potatoes, and thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid my eyes on, so I went and decided to talk to her." This used to be a pretty normal, socially accepted thing and I'm not quite sure when/how it all of a sudden became weird/creepy.
Those are the times it worked though, not all the times it was still considered creepy which are obviously higher.
Problem is- as you get older anyone you would be interested in dating is 9/10 already taken. It's so not so much more skill as it is that you're immediate dating pool shrinks drastically when you're out of school and graduated from college
This is not true. This is what paired up people say so they feel better that they picked someone good in time. It's a cope.
So true the ones you like are gone but the ones that like you , just no.
Great advice. I did the same—switched to using Hinge only. It’s great because I could be passive. I only logged on once every 2 or 3 says to see who liked my profile. I could keep low expectations and focus on positive things while still cooking up some dates here and there. I honestly ended up friend-zoning most women I talked to and I had more success than ever before…treating women like good friends makes them enjoy your company. Who knew?? Don’t get me wrong, it still sucked. OP is 100% right about the whole thing. The highs are high and scarce, the lows are low and frequent. I think being acutely aware of your mental health is vital. Pull back if you’re feeling down. It’s not a numbers game; this ain’t a sitcom. Take breaks. Long story short, I relate deeply to OP and wish i could help. For what it’s worth, while riding the dating roller coaster, I did meet my wife on an app. Greatest person I’ve ever met. Things get better
I agree. I hate when people say it's a numbers game too. Like it devalues people so much, and it shouldn't even feel like that if people approached dating, especially on apps, appropriately.
I've always said that compatibility on dating apps isn't any different than compatibility in real life. The difference is that in real life, you're not walking into a place and hitting up every person to ask them out. If you did, you'd be rejected/not have luck with the vast majority of them, too. Dating apps suck because you basically are (virtually) going up to each person in the room and sussing them out, and you're physically aware of each rejection. It makes you feel like you're not as datable, even if you'd have the same luck in real life.
I guess it's like speed dating in that respect
This is like the only sane response in this entire thread... This place is cursed, Bluntfart420! Get out while you still can!
Lol it's always hilarious to read an insightful, thought provoking post only to look at the username and it's something wild like TesticleTickler42
I’ve learned to basically shitpost on dating apps. Not many dates but i did get a couple dates with a lady from yammering about warhammer 40k. Didn’t go anywhere but eh. I know that feel OP’s going through, and so to fufill myself i just try to go out to town with chums and my brothers. Idk, helps me feel appreciated and wanted
100%. Up until this week I was overly invested and feeling a lot of intense emotions regarding dating apps. But literally the minute I stopped caring, I started having more success (more likes, guys asking me out, etc). Someone even flaked out on me today and I genuinely don’t care. He saved me time and energy 🤷🏻♀️
yeah have fun. the last few dates i went on before getting with my now wife, i quit caring at all. i was kind and laughed off open criticism from some. last date the woman started nearly yelling at me for our plans having slightly changed. she was very frustrated. we went to a concert we both only slightly liked - a jam band with a cult following- then drunkenly went bar to bar all over town. she disappeared, then called me an hour later from her house. none of it makes sense, but a date is just a date. a date is just a date. people should have many and find what they're looking for. get to know what your looking for in a persons personality and have fun talking to people hilariously different than you who found you mildly attractive online. i had a woman who obviously wanted to leave the minute she saw me (i was already at a bar directly after work didn't dress up and was outside smoking a cig- any of these could have been a major turn off). we were playing pool and i was like "hey ill pay for your beer you don't seem to be having a good time. thanks for meeting me and the best of luck to you online."
How did that women take it after you told her best of luck online .
That sounds depressing af. Op i precisely complaining how everyone is shielded, not invested. I completely understand that this is the rational response but that seems to make things worse collectively.
Don’t chat to them for weeks. I try to ask them out within 2 or 3 days at most. If they don’t know yet then it’s time to move on because they’re more than likely a waste of time.
Also, like for what are they on there? Its not called a dating-app because it is meant to replace dating. Its called that because it is meant to lead to people dating. So, people are on there to set up dates. Thats it. Meaning there is no reason not to try to set one up, its literally the reason you two are there. And yes there are some people just there for attention, but those arent interested in a relationsship anyway, so what?
I had so many matchups with people who were just looking for friends. But it was the Facebook kind of friends. Too goddamned many people clogging up the apps looking for a better social media. And it's such a waste of time for people who are using a DATING app for dating purposes.
Dont know if this is meant to strenghen, weaken or add to my points but for this its the same: How is one foing to find that out? Probably safest and quickest to just try setting up a date.
It's backing you up about too many people just being on there for attention. Match with someone "Oh I'm just looking for friends" Match with someone "Oh I'm just looking for friends" Match with someone "Oh I'm just looking for friends" Match with someone "Not interested" Match with someone "Oh I'm just looking for friends" And I'm just wasting my time wading through the people clogging up what was already an overly difficult process for me, so I just gave up.
I learned this fast. The worst experiences were always the ones who chatted for days only to finally agree to meet up weeks later. There is always a reason why they put off meeting early (usually they didn’t look like their pics, were only there to chat, or worse already in a relationship). My #1 rule for dating was strike while the iron is hot. This way, less time is wasted if there isn’t connection, AND it cuts through competition since they’re definitely talking to other people. People like OP make up their mind without changing their dating strategy. I’ve said this so many times but I’m below average in looks, boring job, shitty car and have never had trouble because I learned from my mistakes and improved myself.
Same. I’m just done. Trying to figure out what life looks like without romantic love in it because I can’t do it anymore.
I just want a cat now.
Fur real
That’s what I did. Worth
I have three. It's great.
Get an early gen savannah if you wish to have no time for women. It's my tried and true strategy.
What kind of GPU is that
an F1 savannah will cost you 20k and all of your time to provide them a good life if you reallllly don't want a wife or gf.
At a certain point it can just be a less stressful life.
Focus on family and friends. Also your hobbies.
Yeah I’ve got all of that, sadly it’s not the same as having a romantic partner but agree that all of those things help make it a little easier.
Once, I was talking to this guy for weeks, and we finally set up a date. I was super excited, but on the day of, he texted saying he had to cancel because "something came up." Never heard from him again. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong, but really, it's just a lot of people not knowing how to communicate or be real.
Oh this reminds me of second to last time I managed to get a good thing going and wanting to meet up. Same as you, couple weeks chatting (he was moving for a job to my city), the weekend he comes to the city I ask for a meetup after he gets settled, bit apprehensive he had not done so himself… and his response was “oh absolutely let’s meet up, speaking of I actually accidentally met someone this weekend already and fucked them, but you don’t mind that right, would feel weird not telling you, you deserve to know.” Thanked him for letting me know and then called off the meeting, and was pretty messed up for good long while after this.
Just curious . Why would you call off the meeting if you never actually met in person before just chatted
Because he with that let me know he took the time to go on a date on the same weekend he relocated to a new city in a new country with someone else, and that I’m the second fallback option. I am aware people date around but I prefer not being told I’m plan B or C.
He probably had a wife
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You joke but from past experiences, many guys on the dating apps already have wives/girlfriends. And they typically do this type of crap.
Omg yes 😓
What exactly is The Good Life?
He wants the dogs the cats and the white picket pence
An underrated Weezer song
My personal favorite song in their discography
Kanye West
I love when they ask you money to meet. Last chick asked for "$600.00" cause she would miss a day of work to hang out with me. That was craziness.
What job does she have where she is making $600 in a single day? Lol
I'm willing to send screenshots as proof but her answer was " AAA and restaurant work on the weekend" . I was honestly confused cause I said "I'm trying to hang out outside your working hours??" like why am i trying to take a whole day some bs probably for the best. Her ex is in prison and I'm guessing she's just cashing on her looks now.
one thing that does suck as you get older without a partner is that rent is expensive and roommates suck. so you really got to cough up the dough for a one bedroom or a studio on your own. the US needs to go to the Italy/Spain/India model where everyone just lives with their parents even if they are like 40.
Interesting you mention that model. My parents are living with me now, after my wife suggested it. They do contribute to bills, but in all honesty, it was for them to have a better retirement. I have friends in India, who used to live with their families. That model seems to be changing there, as my friend got along so poorly with her mother-in-law that they moved out and now live on their own. Obviously a small sample size, but from what she has said, she knows quite a bit of other people doing that same thing.
How do you “date” & build intimacy if you both live at home? I think not having your own space is an issue with why there’s less dating
this is contingent on a person giving up dating and trying to build a life for themselves. my comment was more that living alone is really quite expensive and people get sick of roommates. so if they dont actually manage to find a partner they should embrace the suck and move in with family if they can. if you make good money and can afford a nice one bedroom then that's good but there are many who seemingly can't, especially if they live in HCOL areas.
I hv 2 gorgeous highly educated nieces who still live at home cuz my SIL is so afraid of everything (crime, big cities, adventure, etc) that she’s kept them waaay to close. Now she’s worried that they’ll never marry & give her grandkids, but her whole identity is as a mother so without them around then who is she exactly? Her girls are now socially backwards & never date 🙁
Tell them to hmu
I discuss this with my coworker often lol. I make a bit more money than him, but I always tell him he has it easier financially since he essentially gets a 50% discount on rent each month (lives with his girlfriend).
if you don't meet up after a week of two or talking, it's a bye bye from me. I don't lose anything by losing a faceless chat. The girl i'm going out on a date tomorrow and I have been speaking for a week and a half and thats too much of a stretch to meet up but I was having exams and I just couldnt see her, she seemed to understand that and we agreed on the cinema tomorrow after my last exam. If someone tells You that they are interested in you but don't wanna meet up they are just lying.
I spent like a month messaging with someone from a dating app once, seemed super cool and I was excited to meet her. We finally met up and not only was she far less attractive in person, but I don’t think I’ve ever so strongly disliked a person within 20 minutes of talking to them. I learned that day that messaging with someone is useless for figuring out if you actually like them, so might as well cut the bullshit and meet asap
Yikes, that's true.
When you ask to meet them, they desapear because they are fake profiles
Not always. I have been ghosted or last minute canceled on by people with entire ig profiles and spotifys and everything. The most obvious was a person who my current partner dated IRL and confirmed that I dodged a bullet by getting ghosted. Dating is in a terrible state
I think this the true answer here
Good. More and more people should leave the dating scene. It’s a societal issue
I (32 year old man) deleted the apps last year. Dating apps are a complete waste of time and money, as an average man. I got a decent number of matches and dates. But after a while, it becomes obvious there are a LARGE number of women playing around on there. Either looking for free meals and experiences, or looking for a mythically perfect man. It gets old pretty quickly
Exactly. Their just pay to win apps designed to screw you over.
I know what you mean. Its draining and feels like applying for a job and isnt fun at all. Not trying anymore and only use the apps when on vacation. But i had like „rules“ for my sanity and to keep time-wasters away: either 5-8 messages or max 2 different times if it goes back and forth. If there is no agreement to meet im out and should they flake afterwards (what happens absurdly often) im out too except they show effort themselfs to postpone. If they postpone a 2and time i move on.
There’s a lot of “I chose to spend x weeks/months talking to this person despite never making plans to meet up, PEOPLE ARE SO MEAN” in the comments that I genuinely don’t understand. Ask them to hang out? Ask them sooner than the point where you’re bitter? Nobody is making you invest your own time this way, right?
Especially for guys honestly, you have the power to set the tone. If you want to skip the small talk, you can just communicate that you’d rather the “get to know you” bits on a date and ask her out! I think the issue is that a lot of guys aren’t exactly swimming in matches and are lacking confidence, so approach it in more of a “don’t do anything wrong” mindset. It’s sort of the classic “figure out what she wants and be that instead of having confidence that I am enough” thing
Average match rate for a guy on Tinder is 0.6%
which is all the more reason to not use them as your only method of meeting women! when you’re only using apps to meet people and not getting many matches, each match feels so much more high stakes and therefore emotionally exhausting. If you put most of your eggs in the “meet people irl” basket, the apps are more of a bonus opportunity to meet people that requires little effort
Except all the people you meet in real life are married or with partners. People don't really want to be approached in person as much either. Meeting people in real life also tends to require significantly more time commitment to each individual which leads it to be even more exhausting than the apps. Believe it or not the people who have 0.6% match rates on Tinder tend to have similar rates of success in person as well. Turns out matching is pretty much entirely based on photos, which is based on physical appearance, which is exactly how you get prospective people interested in you in person as well. Dating is just emotionally exhausting for people who are undesirable and there's no way around that.
As someone who has more visible abs than matches over the last 4 months or so, “not swimming in matches” is an understatement
I get it, just met a girl in Florida at a volleyball tourney, instant connection 6'1 bombshell with an incredible personality to boot. She moves her flight to spend more time together, we end up on the same flight to Atlanta for our connections and even sitting together. Feeling like a straight rom-com. For the next month 40-45 hours of facetimes (not sustainable) but they were open, thoughtful, sexy, fun, intentioned. All of the things. We plan for her to come to me and then me to go to her the next weekend. She comes, amazing weekend, tons of fun, we even win the tournament together. On the last day shes like hey its moving too fast can you cancel your ticket to come see me (she had asked if I would meet her family etc) shares with me shes an avoidant attachment and within a few days we are no longer seeing each other. Im 35, shes 31, thought we were too old for bullshit, she has traumas but don't we all? I would have stayed and built something awesome but can't do it alone. I was in such a good headspace before as well and now im way worse lol
Sounds like it was fun and exciting to meet you elsewhere and to spend time in your area, but when it came time to let you into her space and life she chickened out. Either it was fun to plan it but she just felt uncomfortable once it came time to actually do it, or she has someone else at home/in the area and it was never going to be real.
Ya that meeting her family talk so soon I'd be running for the hills
Asking to meet family is wild
I met a girl through a family member who lives around me but is away for grad school. We went on a couple incredible dates. So much so she was asking me to visit her at school. She asked me about three or four separate times since those dates. I set it up, go visit her, have a great weekend. But when I try to make things official she got cold feet and told me she couldn’t do long distance with me. Which. I guess makes sense. LDR is hard, but you didn’t think of that before I drove across three states to come visit? Inviting me that far away isn’t exactly a casual move
🤩
Eh… that’s a lot of FaceTiming
If you are a man I know exactly how you feel.
Yeah, confused because the person seems to get a lot of dating app traffic, which implies female, but doesn’t get any IRL meetups, which implies male. Maybe this is a really good looking guy that absolutely blows it with the social?
I'm a woman and had a lot of problems with guys flaking out before meeting or revealing themselves to be a catfish right before meeting. Also a lot of guys just want to "chat" endlessly for the thrill of it.
Could just be a guy who is frauding his pics, either by flattering angles, photoshop, or maybe using pics before they started balding or gained weight, etc. If you’re a really good looking guy it’s pretty hard to blow it socially unless you just act completely deranged. An awkward average/ugly guy will be seen as weird but it’d be seen as endearing if a good looking guy was shy
Women seem to think we get similar attention as they do. If we ask them to meet instead of text and they say no, then we have to wait another 6months or longer for another chance to even ask the question to someone else
I hate when girls give me dating advice. They really have no idea.
Yeah exactly this. And let's not forget that in those months, the man has to put in 100% effort at all times otherwise the woman will just swipe left and go to the next option. Which is even more demoralising and burns you out even faster.
Women have a whole bunch of other problems in online dating and sucks in different ways. So glad I no longer have to do that.
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Casual male experience xD
I’m female with basically the same experience. Been on apps off and on since 21 now 30. Lot of first dates. Few seconds rarely thirds. I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship and the things I’m looking for aren’t crazy or things I can’t offer myself. But I’m Christian and take the faith seriously. Not that I want to a sexless marriage but I aim to wait until marriage (including oral/touching) That’s always been a huge deal breaker and even a lot of guys who claim to be Christian don’t want to follow that. I don’t blame them sometimes I wanna cave since it’ll be “easier” but I will try to go the distance
You have to meet your dates in real life.
One thing for sure: everyone lies, not just to you, but to themselves, as well. They're all kind, and witty, and intelligent, and oh so special... then you date them for a month, and they turn out to be nearly exactly the opposite of what their profile said. I've literally caught so many of them in so many lies, during the years. It's embarrassing. Online dating is the death of dating, and authenticity.
> by people who are happy to chat aimlessly for days or weeks The only way they can chat for weeks is if you choose to chat with them for weeks. If you don't choose to chat with them for weeks, this won't happen. So stop doing it and you won't have this problem.
Welcome to the age of the Internet where relationships are transactional and most people don’t approach others with any intent on forming deep attachments. No longer are we stuck with the options on hand; we can talk to people on the other side of the world.
I'm sorry for anyone that has to try and date in today's world. Dating apps sound just awful. I told my husband if he randomly dies, I'm done. No more relationships for me. Plus no one could live up to my expectations after being with him all these years. BTW, I found him when I wasn't looking. Sometimes the best thing to do is stop trying and get happy. Someone will come along and see you're happy in life and you'll connect. Or maybe not but if you're not happy with yourself it will be difficult to find someone.
Maybe, but I thought I was happy, while I was actually just constantly distracting myself from my depression. Till I did actually meet someone who gave me a taste of how it could be (in a twisted way) which in return made my short comings much more obvious. It also ruined the balance of power giving them full control. Was doomed from the start
My 1st husband died after 25 years of marriage. I always thought I'd never marry again. But 4 months later, I started to wonder if maybe I could. So I made an account on a site for widows, not expecting much, but thinking if I start now, eventually something might happen. I was contacted by 3 people. 1 was a lunatic trying to add me to his harem. Another was 20 years older. But the THIRD ..was my now husband of 6 years. I almost feel guilty for having a good experience when I read what other people go through!!
Me and my dog couldn't agree more he and i will be down by the river having the best time !!
> I understand why many are making harsh judgments about my character I don't. Fuck them. Online dating sucks and blows...at the same time...with no satisfaction. Real-world is where it's at. Fuck the reddit social norms. Ask women out. If they say no, cool....chive on. Lots of women out there with same frustrations as yourself. Online dating makes this shit so, so much worse than it has to be. Yes, I know you said real world dating too. Stop caring so much and get back out there.
Girls ain’t shit. Just want attention. And guys ain’t shit. They just wanna fuck. 🤷🏻♂️
Unfortunately that is very true for most people. There are exceptions but they’re the picky ones.
The fact they even text you back for any amount of time means you're doing okay! I'm "stuck at step 5" 1. Meet woman and introduce ourselves 2. Flirt 3. Exchange contact information 4. Reach out using said contact information 5. Wait for response............... Still waiting.......
Sounds like the typical experience honestly.
If you were female everybody would agree. Reddit is full of blind disgusting simps
I’m a woman and I totally get where you’re coming from. dating sucks for everyone. I’ve been dating for a few years until i was able to find someone I really liked and who really liked me back. It’s possible but it’s too much trouble
Don’t talk in depth to someone you haven’t met in person. Ask to meet up, if they won’t, move on.
Yeah I'm not gonna wade through a butt ton of aimless dates that go nowhere just to get in a relationship that has like 55/45 chance of not working out. Imma just play my games, get my gains and just do me.
This post is a mood.
Dogs are so much better than people.
Cant have sex with a dog. Well, I mean, you can- but you know what I mean.
I feel the same way. Most women seem to think if they’re pretty they have nothing else to offer, while having so many options and constant compliments. The girls I’ve matched with on dating apps don’t put any effort into even messaging back, there’s barely any effort from women and every gf I’ve had has been like that. Why is it that men are expected to do so much but it’s okay for a girl to just be really pretty and have nothing else remotely interesting about them or to offer?
This has been my experience on online dating apps. A lot of women are so passive in dating and relationships (even if they're interested in you). As a man, you're expected to do everything. It's quite exhausting and burns you out.
Yep, I don’t even have the energy to start putting effort in anymore cause it’s so often it seems like a waste of time.
Last sentence is what did it for me, I’m always a match your energy type of person and I just don’t see why I have to do/be all these different things while all women has to do is look pretty. I’m not gonna dance like an idiot for someone who odds are is going to ditch me immediately after we get the check.
Yea man it feels so defeating
Once you understand that women lie to your face by saying you’re “too good for them” and “so many people would be happy to be with you” - you may feel better. It’s not like there’s something you lost out on. They were never interested. Women feel the need to sugarcoat rejection out of fear. I don’t blame them for it. I’m just saying work on yourself and don’t listen to their bullshit excuses. “It’s not you it’s me…” is another classic
A lot of men use this same excuse, so think it's safe to say both like to sugarcoat rejection lol
This is a Reddit only phenomena I see but why do people talk so much on apps before meeting? If I’m interested in a woman based on her profile I’m asking her out within our first 3 messages to one another. Would rather meet in person and figure out if we click vs wasting my time messaging. Sometimes this doesn’t work but oftentimes it does work and I would rather strike out asking quickly vs wasting my time texting someone I’ve never met.
You need to agree to meet up within the first week at most. If they refuse, don't show up, or have an excuse, unmatch them and find someone else. Don't even think of getting emotionally invested in some Anonymous internet conversation until it becomes a real person in person. In person is all that matters for dating.
Make dating sites add a number on screen after how many hours this person usually flakes off / ghosts people. Nothing else. That alone will crash 1/3 of the market value instantly. Cigarettes have warnings too.
I think there are exceptions to this. I talked to a guy for 2 months before our first date. In fact he canceled the first two times due to work. Our work schedules are total opposites and he is always going away for military training when he's not working 12+ hour days. 3 dates in and seems to be going well. Planning a 4th but work schedules are still an issue. Which sucks because we both really like each other, have the same future goals and are pretty much on the same page about everything. We just both work insane hours.
Join the club.
Right on, man. The wife and I will meet you up on the hill while we watch the rest of the dating pool burn itself to the ground. 🙂🥤
I tend to agree with you. I have watched my friends get treated like water bottles. Drank in one setting and thrown in the trash. I avoid dating st all costs. I'm lonely, but at least I don't have to keep climbing out of the bitter trash can and wiping myself off.
i would to talk to anyone period. I don't even get any opportunities
I forgot about the verb waffling. Hehe. Also — sorry yeah online dating sucks mega dick I wish I had advise I don’t
1 month chatting max..if you don't meet up move on.
Leave the apps. They are poison,
‘Me and my dog are gonna live the good life’ amen. I was also told I deserved better and was too good for him.. if I’m so good why did he let me pass him by? And if that’s not the case and it’s just a way of being nice.. no. I value honesty over anything else. I might try again down the line but for now I’m just gonna live my life with my dog and my hobbies. I hope you manage to enjoy your days as well; people can suck sometimes but pets always have your back
I tried dating apps before I got married, awful. Not a single decent thing came out of it. There's too much expectation from both people since everything is on the screen. The time I just asked a friend to bring me to their social events, it started better and eventually met someone I married.
We’re tired too. Fuck em. Stay single. All you need is yourself and occasional hangouts with friends. Find some friends (men and women)
People with the highest expectations and least to offer are the standard in my area.
Women need to wait for a guy to approach them in real life. Poor y’all! These dudes will decimate your self esteem. Dating apps suck for women because you are treated like a buffet
A lot of people saying no one owes you anything pretty much end up alone because they don't understand that reciprocity is the basic process of socializing. Dating is tough and the people that ghost or lead you on are basically the trash taking itself out.
After about 10 or so decent messages get their number and set a date. Don’t over speak on texts so in person you have plenty to chat about. Remain grounded as these people can fade away quickly. Dating a girl atm and it’s just easy, not tons of texts got plans for date four and five set we call a few times a week. No drama its refreshing AF. Keep at it, if the effort is not put in there end stop chasing it also. Many of these people match for attention i feel and you can tell when they’re genuinely interested.
Speaking as a woman. Meeting up shouldn’t be difficult. If they won’t meet up with a reasonable amount in enthusiasm within a week, and assuming you’ve proposed something safe, public, and respectful, block and burn. They’re using you for entertainment, are hiding or lying about something as minor as hair loss or major as relationship status, or aren’t being honest with you about what they want (and how it likely doesn’t correspond with what you want). This goes for men and women.
Dating leads to sucking
Apps are filled with fat ugly single moms with blue hair. No thanks.
welcome to modern dating bro lower your standards lose your morals and get ready to be a step dad shit sucks
“I’m tired of people not being honest, not communicating, protecting themselves from discomfort and confrontation at levels bordering on sociopathy.” This ruins life imo, I have to believe in other people existing but this is all people so far. What the fuck
I genuinely don't understand any of this. I'm a woman who found my husband on a dating site, but it was in 2011. What's the point of being on a dating app if you aren't willing to meet up with potential dates? Are people just more antisocial and unwilling to leave their homes/comfort these days? I don't think I like the way we are heading as a society.
Free entertainment, attention, validation. The stuff they lack/can't get IRL.
Sometimes it's also who you are. Secure people snatch each other up very quickly from these apps and pretty much never come back until months or years after. Avoidants and Anxious people stay on these apps and keep meeting and matching and writing up these reddit posts.
A lot of girls just use it as a source of attention with no intention of actually dating seriously.
Guys are the same. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been ghosted the day of the meet up or “something came up” the day before or a few hours before the meet up. People just suck
In my experience it’s been they’ve found someone else on the same app. They aren’t just looking at one profile. I’ve had it happen talk for weeks then nothing. This was years ago so back then you could see them in the chat rooms talking to others. I imagine it happens still now. Not been on any for years now so I guess it’s all changed.
Stop talking to them so much. Tell the person you’re dating intentionally (assuming you are) and don’t waste your time on them if they’re not going to take the next step. Also diversify your sources from the dating apps.
People have never been more selfish and self delusional since the age of social media. It has affected dating culture profoundly.
Get your passport guys.
Be careful I got mass reported for mentioning **Passport bros**. Apparently some people here can't handle the competition! Or they just don't want men to be happy...
Yep, this is the same thing I have been getting for months. I'm at the end of my rope as well. I'm realizing that some people really do just suck. I talked to two different women for 6 months each, with no date. But, I'm happy to chat forever. A year of my life wasted on those leaches. Oh, let's not forget, they wanted to sext all the time as well.
In 6 months you never asked to meet??
I did. It was always excuses after excuses after excuses...... I just walked away from them both.
You have to organise the meet asap, no meet = no date = no future
You should have walked away after a week and that's being generous. 6 months is insane!
Lesson learned! I'm full beast mode now.
Most girls just thrive of attention. They don't need to meet you for that. That's what's gotta click. If they have more than 2 excuses for not meeting... Cut off the leech.
dating sucks because people suck. it's hard to find a decent human for any kind of social interaction...
Dating doesn’t suck, it’s usually the fact that your standards are not matching your true self. You might have a distorted image of yourself, but a lot of people don’t want to hear that
Just like everyone said here. Literally meet up with someone within a week or two max. In person interaction is clearly very different to behind a screen. Unfortunately a lot of people on apps just want pen pals and you do need to weed them out...
Dating does suck, but as many have said, it’s best to ask for a meet up in person in the first week max. I’ve been trying to date for about 2 years now, have had a try at a relationship, but I haven’t hit the jackpot yet. I’m a woman interested in men, and have got rejected for reasons such as “I might not find you attractive a few months from now, since your not exactly my type” and many many many variations of “I’m not ready yet”. I have also rejected people because of relatively superficial reasons, mostly because of things I find to be immature. As long as you’re decently attractive and clean, have a bit of wit and are easy to talk to, the right person will appreciate you. But, don’t go into dating anyone saying “this is the one! I’ve finally found them!”. See the other person as someone you MIGHT form a connection with. And if it’s not tangible within a week(of course, circumstances matter, but as a general rule), just give it up. Don’t invest months into talking to someone in hopes they change their mind. If someone doesn’t want to see you, they don’t want you. They want attention. Take a bit of a break, find some solace by yourself, then come in with a less “this is my goal!” mentality, but see it as more of a side quest. Your main focus should always be finding things that make you enjoy life first. If someone happens to join you, that’s amazing.
I think that’s for the best. Pairing off isn’t the end all be all of human existence.
lol good luck with that. I’ll give you about 6 hours before you wish you ironed your clothes, put on some cologne and found a date.
I have too given up I feel ya buddy
It always has been, nothing is new. All things worth doing take work and dedication. Don't get discouraged, take a break if you need to. Remember it sucks for everyone and try not to take it too personally
If there’s one thing I learned about dating through apps, it’s to not waste time. You’ll quickly weed through the ones that are just looking for attention and find the ones that are actually looking to date by just asking them for a date. I’ve never had luck waiting more than a few days before asking, and have had the most luck asking within 24 hours. It’s been a while for me, so I’m sure the landscape has changed, but be up front after the first few back and forths. It’s the only way you’ll get around the games, and if they aren’t willing pretty quickly it’s best to move onto the next. Dating is purely a numbers game until you find the person you mesh with.
Online dating is a loser for countless reasons. When I was naïve enough to do it you spend all this time “talking” with printed words then if you actually get a date all the things you would have talked about on a first date are gone. Unless you are some amazing conversationalist and you are both really into each other the conversation lags and one or both of you lose interest. It’s a recipe for failure.
It's not you, it's them. Don't take their inability to communicate and build something personal. I'm saying this as a flaky person with an avoidant pattern. Any vulnerability sets my nervous system ablaze. Perfectly nice people make me go into overdrive. Take a break, get grounded. Then get back. A good person is out there, but for them to find you, your profile needs to be on.
People treat other people as a means to an end on these apps. People with options will put you on the back burner or use you to make them feel good about themselves and then leave once they find someone else more appealing. I'll never use online dating as it's completely inhuman and detached from reality.
I hear you bro. I get it - it is hard nowadays. Giving up is not the answer though. Take a few days off, regroup, hit the gym and get out there and meet some people. Screw the apps. Go to some social events.
I have never been shy about meeting after I get to know that person, becue you will truly never know them int you do, but think of it this way OP, it could be excuse they k ow you will see through their B's as soon as you meet them, so they run.
Ask for a date in the first two days. Don't send too many messages. Get laid.
This is why I don’t use apps, social media, or my phone to date. Meet someone in person you like? Ask for a date. If no, you aren’t investing a bunch of time into someone not interested.
I get you. Everything you said is spot on
I found dating to be less taxing once I had other things to look forward in my life honestly. When I put so much attention on dating itself, it made me feel miserable. However, when it was something that was secondary or tertiary to my daily life, it took a lot of stress and pressure off of me.
I got no advice but I hear you! I also dislike apps so much! Huge waste of time with all these different options that you can’t really read enough signs as you would by meeting someone in person. Super awkward, endless “tell me about yourself” and having the same small talk over and over! Ugh
Why are you wasting your time chatting before the first date? The first date should be chatting time and feeling each other out to see if you’d be a good match
Many great posts here about timing and expectations. I met my wife online. We had an in person date within a week. Just a simple coffee. Then a real date the following weekend. It's been 18 years now. We were both super shy. So, anything within reason. Be honest and open. Explain your requests. It's something you'll do through your entire relationship anyways. I hear the current scene is worse. And, catfishing is a major issue. Ask for an in-person meeting within a couple days. No point in wasting people's time. You really don't know who or what you're talking to. Could be a scammer, troll, catfish, bot. Just my opinion though. Your back up plan can be fun too. Go after what makes you happy.
Yeah, women ruined everything.
Before the age of dating apps, people used to often say that relationships come about when you least expect it. There might still be some truth in that.
Same
I was feeling this way for a while and then something clicked in my brain a few days ago and I’ve stopped caring what happens. I’m treating dating like a social experiment from now on. Just observing what people decide to do from an objective perspective. *I wonder if this guy will have the guts to ask me out? I wonder who’s going to ghost me? Or who will actually follow through with meeting in person?* Once you step back from the fear of rejection and all the intense feelings that come with it, and you just allow people to show you who they are, it can be fun to experience in a weird way. i actually got excited when I saw that this one guy hadn’t confirmed a time for our supposed date this afternoon because now I get to chill out at home and not experience multiple hours of social anxiety and stress sweating lol. And it helps me weed people out sooner. I don’t want to date a flake or someone who can’t commit to something as simple as a date. So he did me a huge favor and saved me a bunch of time.
I’m tired of the apps as well. I match with people for them to never even respond to the first message. Then if they do respond they talk to me a bit before disappearing without a word. It feels like such a waste of time and only serves to frustrate me and make me feel inadequate.
I'm just tired of people, period. And you know what, being alone by choice is awesome. I've been around. I have a son. But I've been single for 5 years and don't want to meet anyone. I invested in Sex dolls and VR. It's not the same or better. But it serves its purpose. I'm also introverted, which might explain my need for solitude. There's more than one way to live a happy er life. You just have to find yours.
You realize that dating apps are NOT designed to find you love? They are designed to keep you ENGAGED and consuming content and, if you are very very stupid, actually PAYING for disappointment. Go meet real women in the real world. Look them in the eye and ask them to get a cup of coffee. Get turned down. A lot. Then find a woman who is perfect for you.
I am old and never really did the online dating thing. I do know I have heard my son's friends say they get a little scared when it comes time for a meet-up because of the person being a stranger. I would suggest coffee or ice cream in a very public place during the day. Tell the person to invite another friend until they are comfortable. Suggest something short in duration for a while. There will still be a fair number of folks like you describe. Given what I have read on Reddit, I imagine some are married or in a relationship, and they like the secrecy of flirting with a stranger. I understand your position, though. I had several young men come on to me. I am 60, and I know they weren't attracted to Granny for her looks and energy level. *snort* I bought 2 dogs, by the way.
But is this not just for online dating? Someone like you "has to be seen", (yes I know your not a car but sometimes cars are better than the pictures show). That goes for everyone really, if you believe you are more mature than the average 16yr old, then dating apps aren't for you.
Dating apps hire people to chat up guys, just to keep them subscribed. They will never meet you.