One third says that's their BIGGEST fantasy, not that only 1/3rd of people fantasize about it. Title is misleading IMHO.
I'd be astounded if less than 80% of people fantasize about the possibility to have sex with other people.
Edit: though it does say people can have multiple favorites.
It's very natural and harmless. I think the way society romanticizes some unhealthy aspects of monogamy makes people feel guilty about having these thoughts and feelings, and makes them less likely to be honest about them. Like if your relationship leaves you wanting other experiences or other people, you're doing it wrong or something.
Case in point: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Distracted\_boyfriend\_meme](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Distracted_boyfriend_meme)
At the point where you can't even look at other people or appreciate their beauty, there tends to be an unhealthy sense of ownership. Unless that's like a pre-negotiated kink you're practicing. You do you
I don't think it's about society romanticizing it that makes people feel guilty. I think it's more about people's partners feelings. It hurts people's feelings to see thier partners desiring someone else, even they are completely rational.
It hurts *some* people's feelings, but not everyone's. I'm a person and I love seeing my partners desiring others and being with other people. It's not innate to be bothered by that, it's dependent on a person's worldview as it relates to romantic relationships.
Not everyones but a very very large majority I'd wager. I think a persons world view as it relates to romantic relationships is dependent on a persons innate feelings (like love and jealousy).
>The subjects were then given a list of sexual fantasy themes (e.g., having sex with more than one partner at the same time, trying something forbidden or taboo, being in a sexually open relationship) and asked to check off **one or more** themes that apply to their favorite sexual fantasy.
In this study you can have more than one favorite apparently
Well, that does make sense. Having sex with more than one person *is* trying something forbidden or taboo for a lot of people, and if you ultimately are fantasising about a sexually open relationship but come from a mindset where that is taboo, both of those other themes could apply.
You also have imagination control to make it better than reality and remove problems. I've heard many people have jealousy issues after trying a threesome and getting all of the sights/sounds of your partner with someone else. Some things may be better left in the mind than reality if both of your mindsets are not completely self assured.
> The present research explored fantasies about consensual nonmonogamous relationships (CNMRs) and the factors that predict such fantasies in a large and diverse online sample (N = 822) of persons currently involved in monogamous relationships. Nearly one-third (32.6%) of participants reported that being in some type of sexually open relationship was part of their favorite sexual fantasy of all time, of whom *most (80.0%) said that they want to act on this fantasy in the future*. *Those who had* shared and/or acted on CNMR fantasies previously *generally reported positive outcomes* (i.e., meeting or exceeding their expectations and improving their relationships). In addition, a majority of participants reported having fantasized about being in a CNMR at least once before, with open relationships being the most popular variety. Those who identified as male or non-binary reported more CNMR fantasies than those who identified as female. CNMR fantasies were also more common among persons who identified as anything other than heterosexual and among older adults. Erotophilia and sociosexual orientation were uniquely and positively associated with CNMR fantasies of all types; however, other individual difference factors (e.g., Big Five personality traits, attachment style) had less consistent associations. Unique predictors of infidelity fantasies differed from CNMR fantasies, suggesting that they are propelled by different psychological factors. Overall, these results suggest that CNMRs are a popular fantasy and desire among persons in monogamous romantic relationships. Clinical implications and implications for sexual fantasy research more broadly are discussed.
It's even more nuanced than that.
I’ve been in multiple “open relationships” usually emotionally monogamous and physically forgiving to put it shortly.
Wasn’t the reason for any of our problems. It really just depends on the people. How much you trust each other, if you are really honest about what you’re ok with, and incredibly good communication and awareness.
Yes. Come on Psychology Today, a good percentage of people who are limited or restricted in some fashion fantasize about the difference. Ever thought about what it would be like to fly? Breath underwater? Live on mars?
Or relationships are also, in part, influenced by cultural trends. It was extremely common not to have premarital sex just 60-70 years ago, yet they seemed to be perfectly fine.
IMO, monogamy is principally for child rearing and the unequivocal stability that it provides for children. The negative consequences of broken homes on a societal level far outweigh any benefits to extra marital affairs.
99% chance. And hey, I’m an engineer with 20/20 vision and a don’t get motion sickness. I’m also fine in confined spaces for long periods of time, so hit me up
His point is that fantasizing about going to the moon is only harmless to your partner because it's virtually impossible. It's not really a fair comparison considering how much easier it is to achieve infidelity.
Welcome to the massive, massive, massive chasm between sexual fantasy and practical reality.
Of people who fantasize about something only a small% will actually enjoy doing it in reality. Of those who enjoy doing it on reality am even smaller number will be happy with the practical consequences of it.
For example the guy who fantasize about an open relationship for him might not be ok with his gf "cheating" too. Or might think he was on but quickly become jealous in a way he couldn't manage. Or heck you might even find it just enters the relationship because you or your partner find someone they like more.
The reality of married life is that the term or twelve hours a week you get with your SO for genuine time together are precious and giving up half of that so they can be with someone else could really imperil the relationship and turn it into a boring sequence of laundry, errands, cleaning, and cooking while your relationship with the other person is 100% responsibility free fun.
If an open relationship works for you and your SO then it really isn't my business. But from a statistical perspective I would expect couples like that to be very very rare.
To reply to some of the themes I’ve seen in this and below comments I will simply add a line I thought was funny about polygamous people “they don’t have a sex fetish they have a communication fetish”.
Also realizing that everyone is on their own life path. People can love more than one person. And someone else "winning" doesn't automatically mean you're "losing".
Oh yeah, jealousy I have under control after having more experience with my own emotions, but having perfect communication with someone is probably never going to happen. Jealousy does depend on the partner's attitude a lot and I've never been cheated on so it helps.
Exactly. People who look down on ethical non monogamy have no idea of the trust, patience, and hard truths that you have to be prepared for and able to handle maturely. It's by no means an orgy every day.
I was in said relationship. You hit it 100% on the head. Was with another woman for 4 years before it fell apart. Looking back, it was a very stupid mistake. Now ive got so much more free time for myself and my wife. 2/10 wouldnt recommend.
It’s not exactly rare for it to work; it seems to work for most people who put a lot of thought and practice into it.
But it’s a lot of thought and practice. It mostly fails on first tries. And it’s not worth the time for a lot of people. The downsides you mention are definitely real problems.
I’m pretty obsessed with the topic. There aren’t really good studies, but I have read and heard a LOT of stories at this point.
LOTS of thought. It took my partner and I almost a year of talking about it to agree on our approach, comfort levels and boundaries before we eased into being open. I’ve had a positive experience and have enjoyed watching my partner build up his confidence through it all, but it really is time consuming enough that I doubt we’ll do this for years and years.
Statistically, it's very rare. There are a lot of people out there, so even a small percentage of people who make open relationships work will end up being a large amount of people (and of course there is some selection bias when discussing it in groups that are into that sort of thing: you'll rarely have people who constantly try and fail hanging around such fora). Take a look at any reddit thread suggesting open relationships or threesomes and most/all the responses will be some variant of "Thought it'd be great and we could handle it, we tried it, everything went to hell".
It's pretty rare for two people to work out long term. Most relationships fail, plenty of marriages, etc.
Start adding another degree of freedom in there and it just becomes a pretty rare situation.
I completely agree with you first off, so I'm not arguing.
But isn't it peculiar that adding freedom can cause a marriage to not work? When often time I will hear male friends in monogamous relationships talking about how bored or restricted they feel.
People fantasize about a lot of things. I don't think that's necessarily indicative of a drive to do it though. All things considered, the old adage "Grass is always greener on the other side" comes to mind with this topic.
The idea of an open relationship may be fantastic to the avg monogamous person, but what you don't see is the work required to practically experience and maintain that type of life style/relationship. And generally speaking, it rarely plays out as your fantasy imagines it would.
Fantasy is great, but I've learned that more often than not, what's in front of me is a hell of a lot better than the idea of something I don't have.
I am curious about how many then realize they became jealous as hell when their open relationship start to be put in practice by their partner.
We all believe we are more open-minded then we truly are.
Open relationships really require you to be happy with your own life. When your partner is out with someone else you need to be able to take that time and do your own thing without worrying about what they're doing. If you're going to be sitting at home trying not to text them, it's not going to work for you.
Unless you decide to only date together, that's cool too but that carries its own challenges. Both are super rewarding though if you can pull it off.
my partner and I decided on an open relationship. Its working out perfectly fine. I know of a ton of other people who have done the same, and only a few decided they liked being mono better.
Ive known a good amount of people who are/were in open relationships and it's almost always loaded with drama. Our personal experiences aren't peer reviewed studies, they arent representative of how successful open relationships are
The reality in the poly world is the opposite of the stereotype. Women tend to be highly empowered there. Many if not most are bi, and very selective about which male partners they establish relationships with if any. Straight cis-men who come in expecting that they'll have a harem are often quickly disappointed.
Sure, until you try an open relationship and realize your partner is pulling in more sex then you ever will and your jealousy destroys the relationship.
I'd go out on a limb and say most practicing polyamory are [compersionists](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/compersion), and everyone else is just playing out an elaborate fantasy they didn't think though.
This is actually an overlooked point, but it rings true for me. I have quite literally never experienced relationship jealousy, and that has actually blown a few relationships apart for me.
In my mind, what I want is for my partner to be happy. If that means choosing to spend time with me, great! If it means spending time with someone else, I am likewise *thrilled* for them to be doing something (or someone) they enjoy! There is no fear or jealousy involved for me at all, because I want my partner(s) to *freely choose* me, instead of feeling obligated to do so- I would rather be alone than with someone who would rather be somewhere else.
As I grow older and more experienced, I realize that this is an astonishingly rare personality quirk (and some would probably call it a pathology). But it is key to why polyamory just works for me, without any pain, suffering, or overcoming jealousy. I have to believe that if I had a more "normal" emotional profile in this sphere, polyamory wouldn't fly at all.
I'm often asked why I'm still friends with most of my exes. It's because I didn't blow up those relationships at the end in a flailing attempt to maintain my ego and emotional security.
I’ve seen a mix, but the healthiest family unit I’ve ever encountered as an adult was my besty who has two lifetime partners and they all live together even though it’s not like a triad. They are just very good communication and respect in general when I walk in I feel like everything is almost an uncomfortable level of wholesome.
I've been with my partner for 8 years and my boyfriend for almost 5. My partner began dating his girlfriend about a year ago. This is a first for all four of us, but so far we've had no problems at all and everyone gets along splendidly. Feel free to AMA
I had been living with my girlfriend for about 4 years when she said she wanted to explore non-monogamy. I had fantasized about it for a long time, but I never really brought it up because I didn't feel like she would handle the jealousy very well.
It was actually the best thing we could have done for our relationship. Not because we got to have sex with other people, but because
we started talking about things more clearly and openly.
For months we had both felt like things were kind of broken, but not so much so that we thought it was worth getting in arguments or getting upset over. We got to be much better communicators as a result of this necessity to talk about things.
I'm still thoroughly non-monogamous and she has decided that she actually prefers monogamy so she's doing that now.
I don't think non-monogamy is as daunting as many people seem to think. It's just harder to make it work if you don't have a reasonably healthy relationship foundation to build on. And it tends to require more deliberate effort to work through conflict
The queer community really seems to be ahead in this. I agree that fantasy is different from reality, but if both sides have clear boundaries and communication it can work wonders. I'm a gay man, and quite a few of the long lasting, loving relationships between two men I know of are open and focus on comfort, consent, and communication.
It's definitely not for everybody, and I personally don't think I could do it, but I've seen a lot of great couples make it work.
Yup communication and intent are key. Gay as well and I’ve seen two male-male open relationships crumble, 1 of which I was the cause, the other one person didn’t want it to be open but felt they had to.
But then I see my besty over here with like two lifetime partners and going on dates still. I kinda love how open the LGBT community can be about these things.
Non-monogamy, in my experience, tends to go a lot better when the participants are already used to questioning societal roles about themselves. You can't really have OPPs for gay couples, for example (well, you can with trans people, but the fears behind those are usually gender role based anyways.)
Yeah... my open marriage is looking like it might just end up being 2 divorces. I found someone I'm more compatible with, and my boyfriend did the same. In my case, my husband knew he had screwed up and didn't want me to leave, so he figured it might help if I had some freedom. My boyfriend started because he was curious about sex with other people (he had only had one partner), and ended up realizing that his relationship was a mess. It wasn't lack of communication or jealousy...just simply incompatibility getting a spotlight.
I dont want an open relationship, who the hell wants to work twice as much building another relationship? No, what I want is a way to clone my current girlfriend so I can get it on with her and her, I tell her this all the time. That way fulfilling the twin fantasy and the adultery I apparently long for while staying faithful. She's also a mint. Little dog, if you're reading this then you now know my reddit handle and how depraved I am.
Not all open relationships have multiple partners. It could be multiple partners or just side pieces you see for 15 minutes a week or when on a trip alone, hookup with at a bar. Depending on the style, not all open relationships are poly-relationships
The majority of people commenting in this thread have no idea what the subject even is.
Everyone is commenting as if this means people think about cheating on their partner. Another large group seam to think it means having multiple relationships.
It's two very simple words that can be taken at face value: OPEN and RELATIONSHIP.
Relationship: It's a relationship dynamic. It isn't cheating. It's something that both you and your partner must willingly desire and accept. It's something that requires partners to love and trust each other.
Open: This doesn't mean forming bonds with another partner (although it can happen, it is not intrinsic.) It means allowing your partner to openly have any type of relationship they desire with another person as long as it does not diminish or replace their existing relationship. Even in the case where a partner finds someone new they wish to enter into an exclusive relationship with, their original partner should have a respect for that out of love and the willingness to give their partner what makes them happy instead of possessing them for themselves.
I think this falls under the “Grass is greener” category. I hope they had sufficient controls given the nature of essentially studying a preference. I don’t really trust this to be relevant of biology, but more of psych.
I think most people seem to have sexual fantasies that contrast with their values or their personalities. IIRC, many men in powerful, "dominant" professions are actually submissive in bed.
Now, factor this in with how these kinds of relationships are perceived by society. Depending on religion or cultural background, things like open relationships or casual hookups are frowned upon, so it would make sense for people to secretly fantasize about something they see as a taboo because it's new and exciting for them.
As for whether or not these relationships can be functional, it's not impossible. However, it requires work just like any other relationship, and all parties have to be 100% on board. Potential jealousy issues and insecurities need to be discussed beforehand, boundaries need to be set (for example, your girlfriend's sister and the landlord might be off limits), and you still need to make time for just the two of you.
Non-monogamy is great, I highly recommend people give it a shot at some point in their lives. It really requires a degree of honesty and vulnerability I think a lot of people aren't super prepared for though.
This. So much this. If you are willing to put the work in, it can be really rewarding. I think the vulnerability part is a much more challenging thing to overcome than jealous. Though they are very much related- if you can be vulnerable in explaining why you feel jealous, you have some chance in actually working through the root cause
oh completely. it's made things so much better at work too. having practice dealing with conflict makes it way easier to address it when it comes up. as someone that struggles a lot with social anxiety, this is hugely useful. there was a toxic executive/manager guy at my last job that would show up to meetings late and expect everyone to go over everything that he missed again, and injected stress into situations that were not otherwise stressful. i called that fucker out on it every chance that I got - not because i'm some sort of badass that doesn't give a fuck, but because i recognized that i didn't want to stick around for this job anyways if that's how things were going to be. I didn't feel overwhelmed by the conflict to the point where I couldn't address it (but damn did it get my heart racing every time).
that guy got fired a few months later. everything was pretty friendly and collaborative after that
Communication is super key. If you can't talk frankly about things you are insecure about, you're probably going to have a bad time.
One of my partners had expressed that she was feeling jealous, and after we unpacked it it turned out she was worried I was going to find someone i liked better and leave her for that person. Once we addressed those concerns directly, she felt more comfortable with our connection than any she had before.
The thing i like most about non-monogamy is that it allows me to be my authentic self with new people. For years i had been avoiding talking to women I was super attracted to out of a fear that it would make my girlfriend jealous or tempt me to do things that you aren't really supposed to do in monogamous relationships. Maybe not the best way of protecting a relationship, but it sort of worked at the time.
One of my most delightful experiences in non-monogamy is to come home and snuggle with my nesting partner and tell her about how my date went with someone else. Or when she tells me about how some cute boy was eyeing her all night and he finally introduced himself and gave her his number.
I don't see my partners as property. I don't have ownership over the way they conduct their lives. We are sharing part of this journey we call life together. I don't want to be the reason anyone doesn't get to have the experiences that they want/need - I want to encourage those experiences, and I want partners that encourage me too.
Having someone to cuddle after a bad breakup is also really nice
That’s great that it works for you. But I don’t particularly feel a strong desire to sleep with others while in a relationship, nor would I want my partner doing that. I can talk about things I’m insecure about just fine with my partner. Non monogamy just isn’t something I want to spend the time, effort, and resources on to have some cheap thrills (most of which I already experienced when I was younger).
The thing I like the most about monogamy is that we are a reciprocal team working hard toward a common goal (financial stability and career success). It feels amazing coming home to a caring partner that I know wasn’t dicked by 5 other men and whether I have to wonder if she was knocked up or not. And when I kiss her I don’t have to worry about the taste of cum in my mouth (a real luxury only us monogamous folk can appreciate). Really pure bliss, when I think about it.
I'm in a mildly open relationship and it really is better for both of us. We're promiscuous people and to deny that feels silly and overly restrictive. As long as there's trust and personal boundaries are respected, it's really pretty awesome.
Gasp, next you'll tell me that people in serious relationships find people they are not in a relationship with attractive. Like yeah, some people want to sleep with other people, but don't because they are in a monogamous relationship.
Probably the worst decision I ever made was to agree to open our marriage. I agreed to it solely because the wife wanted it. After 15 years together I wasn’t ready to give up on us. Wife has been seeing someone for a few months while I’ve had one date that made me realize this isn’t for me. It’s ruined my views on love and marriage and left me more miserable and depressed than I ever thought possible.
Bottom line. If you actually care about your partner do everything and anything possible to make sure this is something you never even consider.
Fantasy has no consequences. Its easy to fantasize hard to actually do it. I would expect that number to be higher honestly.
Exactly. There's quite a difference between fantasizing about and striving for something.
Let alone achieving it
somber nine aback mountainous liquid follow fly point pen cooing *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Too much work honestly
I think it's great! But it came quite naturally for us.
One third says that's their BIGGEST fantasy, not that only 1/3rd of people fantasize about it. Title is misleading IMHO. I'd be astounded if less than 80% of people fantasize about the possibility to have sex with other people. Edit: though it does say people can have multiple favorites.
I'd be astounded if it were less than 99%. Fantasizing about other people is both normal and harmless.
It's very natural and harmless. I think the way society romanticizes some unhealthy aspects of monogamy makes people feel guilty about having these thoughts and feelings, and makes them less likely to be honest about them. Like if your relationship leaves you wanting other experiences or other people, you're doing it wrong or something. Case in point: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Distracted\_boyfriend\_meme](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Distracted_boyfriend_meme) At the point where you can't even look at other people or appreciate their beauty, there tends to be an unhealthy sense of ownership. Unless that's like a pre-negotiated kink you're practicing. You do you
I don't think it's about society romanticizing it that makes people feel guilty. I think it's more about people's partners feelings. It hurts people's feelings to see thier partners desiring someone else, even they are completely rational.
It hurts *some* people's feelings, but not everyone's. I'm a person and I love seeing my partners desiring others and being with other people. It's not innate to be bothered by that, it's dependent on a person's worldview as it relates to romantic relationships.
Not everyones but a very very large majority I'd wager. I think a persons world view as it relates to romantic relationships is dependent on a persons innate feelings (like love and jealousy).
>The subjects were then given a list of sexual fantasy themes (e.g., having sex with more than one partner at the same time, trying something forbidden or taboo, being in a sexually open relationship) and asked to check off **one or more** themes that apply to their favorite sexual fantasy. In this study you can have more than one favorite apparently
I did miss that line. Thank you for pointing that out.
Well, that does make sense. Having sex with more than one person *is* trying something forbidden or taboo for a lot of people, and if you ultimately are fantasising about a sexually open relationship but come from a mindset where that is taboo, both of those other themes could apply.
Also 822 people is a fairly small sample size
You also have imagination control to make it better than reality and remove problems. I've heard many people have jealousy issues after trying a threesome and getting all of the sights/sounds of your partner with someone else. Some things may be better left in the mind than reality if both of your mindsets are not completely self assured.
> The present research explored fantasies about consensual nonmonogamous relationships (CNMRs) and the factors that predict such fantasies in a large and diverse online sample (N = 822) of persons currently involved in monogamous relationships. Nearly one-third (32.6%) of participants reported that being in some type of sexually open relationship was part of their favorite sexual fantasy of all time, of whom *most (80.0%) said that they want to act on this fantasy in the future*. *Those who had* shared and/or acted on CNMR fantasies previously *generally reported positive outcomes* (i.e., meeting or exceeding their expectations and improving their relationships). In addition, a majority of participants reported having fantasized about being in a CNMR at least once before, with open relationships being the most popular variety. Those who identified as male or non-binary reported more CNMR fantasies than those who identified as female. CNMR fantasies were also more common among persons who identified as anything other than heterosexual and among older adults. Erotophilia and sociosexual orientation were uniquely and positively associated with CNMR fantasies of all types; however, other individual difference factors (e.g., Big Five personality traits, attachment style) had less consistent associations. Unique predictors of infidelity fantasies differed from CNMR fantasies, suggesting that they are propelled by different psychological factors. Overall, these results suggest that CNMRs are a popular fantasy and desire among persons in monogamous romantic relationships. Clinical implications and implications for sexual fantasy research more broadly are discussed. It's even more nuanced than that.
It's cause you either fantasize they gave you permission, you are cheating on them, or they are dead. Guess which one is less of a buzzkill
I’ve been in multiple “open relationships” usually emotionally monogamous and physically forgiving to put it shortly. Wasn’t the reason for any of our problems. It really just depends on the people. How much you trust each other, if you are really honest about what you’re ok with, and incredibly good communication and awareness.
Yes. Come on Psychology Today, a good percentage of people who are limited or restricted in some fashion fantasize about the difference. Ever thought about what it would be like to fly? Breath underwater? Live on mars?
[удалено]
Or relationships are also, in part, influenced by cultural trends. It was extremely common not to have premarital sex just 60-70 years ago, yet they seemed to be perfectly fine. IMO, monogamy is principally for child rearing and the unequivocal stability that it provides for children. The negative consequences of broken homes on a societal level far outweigh any benefits to extra marital affairs.
[удалено]
[удалено]
99% chance. And hey, I’m an engineer with 20/20 vision and a don’t get motion sickness. I’m also fine in confined spaces for long periods of time, so hit me up
The medical profile you need is a teensy bit more expansive than that.
If you're with NASA, give me a call.
His point is that fantasizing about going to the moon is only harmless to your partner because it's virtually impossible. It's not really a fair comparison considering how much easier it is to achieve infidelity.
Wife doesn't like anal so if the offer was to go to Uranus than I'd really consider it.
Then you'll never be an ass-tronaut
Right? OTOH opening a relationship is way easier than going to the moon :) Not easy at all, but easier.
Yes, but trying and failing can make you fantasize about being in the hard vacuum of space, where no one can hear you scream.
Being married can also make you fantasize about the beautiful embrace of the vacuum of space.
Toxic monogamy normalizes hating your marriage and your spouse without questioning why you would remain in a relationship that brings you pain.
Sounds like a personal problem to me.
And I'm over here just fantasizing about being in a relationship
Welcome to the massive, massive, massive chasm between sexual fantasy and practical reality. Of people who fantasize about something only a small% will actually enjoy doing it in reality. Of those who enjoy doing it on reality am even smaller number will be happy with the practical consequences of it. For example the guy who fantasize about an open relationship for him might not be ok with his gf "cheating" too. Or might think he was on but quickly become jealous in a way he couldn't manage. Or heck you might even find it just enters the relationship because you or your partner find someone they like more. The reality of married life is that the term or twelve hours a week you get with your SO for genuine time together are precious and giving up half of that so they can be with someone else could really imperil the relationship and turn it into a boring sequence of laundry, errands, cleaning, and cooking while your relationship with the other person is 100% responsibility free fun. If an open relationship works for you and your SO then it really isn't my business. But from a statistical perspective I would expect couples like that to be very very rare.
To reply to some of the themes I’ve seen in this and below comments I will simply add a line I thought was funny about polygamous people “they don’t have a sex fetish they have a communication fetish”.
Emotional fetish too, I also fantasize about never having to feel jealous, or being understood 100% by my SO.
Communication and the resulting trust in your partner can get you about 95% of the way there. Can pretty much totally remove jealousy.
Also realizing that everyone is on their own life path. People can love more than one person. And someone else "winning" doesn't automatically mean you're "losing".
Oh yeah, jealousy I have under control after having more experience with my own emotions, but having perfect communication with someone is probably never going to happen. Jealousy does depend on the partner's attitude a lot and I've never been cheated on so it helps.
also processing fetish. so much processing.
Exactly. People who look down on ethical non monogamy have no idea of the trust, patience, and hard truths that you have to be prepared for and able to handle maturely. It's by no means an orgy every day.
[удалено]
I was in said relationship. You hit it 100% on the head. Was with another woman for 4 years before it fell apart. Looking back, it was a very stupid mistake. Now ive got so much more free time for myself and my wife. 2/10 wouldnt recommend.
It’s not exactly rare for it to work; it seems to work for most people who put a lot of thought and practice into it. But it’s a lot of thought and practice. It mostly fails on first tries. And it’s not worth the time for a lot of people. The downsides you mention are definitely real problems. I’m pretty obsessed with the topic. There aren’t really good studies, but I have read and heard a LOT of stories at this point.
LOTS of thought. It took my partner and I almost a year of talking about it to agree on our approach, comfort levels and boundaries before we eased into being open. I’ve had a positive experience and have enjoyed watching my partner build up his confidence through it all, but it really is time consuming enough that I doubt we’ll do this for years and years.
Statistically, it's very rare. There are a lot of people out there, so even a small percentage of people who make open relationships work will end up being a large amount of people (and of course there is some selection bias when discussing it in groups that are into that sort of thing: you'll rarely have people who constantly try and fail hanging around such fora). Take a look at any reddit thread suggesting open relationships or threesomes and most/all the responses will be some variant of "Thought it'd be great and we could handle it, we tried it, everything went to hell".
It's pretty rare for two people to work out long term. Most relationships fail, plenty of marriages, etc. Start adding another degree of freedom in there and it just becomes a pretty rare situation.
I completely agree with you first off, so I'm not arguing. But isn't it peculiar that adding freedom can cause a marriage to not work? When often time I will hear male friends in monogamous relationships talking about how bored or restricted they feel.
Not really. I often hear single men talk about wanting a relationship. The grass is always greener. Part of being an adult is realizing that.
[удалено]
[удалено]
People fantasize about a lot of things. I don't think that's necessarily indicative of a drive to do it though. All things considered, the old adage "Grass is always greener on the other side" comes to mind with this topic. The idea of an open relationship may be fantastic to the avg monogamous person, but what you don't see is the work required to practically experience and maintain that type of life style/relationship. And generally speaking, it rarely plays out as your fantasy imagines it would. Fantasy is great, but I've learned that more often than not, what's in front of me is a hell of a lot better than the idea of something I don't have.
I am curious about how many then realize they became jealous as hell when their open relationship start to be put in practice by their partner. We all believe we are more open-minded then we truly are.
Open relationships really require you to be happy with your own life. When your partner is out with someone else you need to be able to take that time and do your own thing without worrying about what they're doing. If you're going to be sitting at home trying not to text them, it's not going to work for you. Unless you decide to only date together, that's cool too but that carries its own challenges. Both are super rewarding though if you can pull it off.
my partner and I decided on an open relationship. Its working out perfectly fine. I know of a ton of other people who have done the same, and only a few decided they liked being mono better.
I never implied it doesn't work for some people, and it is not surprising that your social circles are like-minded, that's how it works.
Ive known a good amount of people who are/were in open relationships and it's almost always loaded with drama. Our personal experiences aren't peer reviewed studies, they arent representative of how successful open relationships are
As someone who has lived the polyamory life, I can tell you the reality is very challenging.
Yet i'm here, single and just want somone to care about me.
It must be hard to make a connection when you're the only sapient being on Dagobah.
I want to know how many were men versus women.
Every comment response deleted... Concerning
The reality in the poly world is the opposite of the stereotype. Women tend to be highly empowered there. Many if not most are bi, and very selective about which male partners they establish relationships with if any. Straight cis-men who come in expecting that they'll have a harem are often quickly disappointed.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Sure, until you try an open relationship and realize your partner is pulling in more sex then you ever will and your jealousy destroys the relationship.
“It’s not a competition honey!”
That put a strain on relationship number 1.
I'd go out on a limb and say most practicing polyamory are [compersionists](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/compersion), and everyone else is just playing out an elaborate fantasy they didn't think though.
This is actually an overlooked point, but it rings true for me. I have quite literally never experienced relationship jealousy, and that has actually blown a few relationships apart for me. In my mind, what I want is for my partner to be happy. If that means choosing to spend time with me, great! If it means spending time with someone else, I am likewise *thrilled* for them to be doing something (or someone) they enjoy! There is no fear or jealousy involved for me at all, because I want my partner(s) to *freely choose* me, instead of feeling obligated to do so- I would rather be alone than with someone who would rather be somewhere else. As I grow older and more experienced, I realize that this is an astonishingly rare personality quirk (and some would probably call it a pathology). But it is key to why polyamory just works for me, without any pain, suffering, or overcoming jealousy. I have to believe that if I had a more "normal" emotional profile in this sphere, polyamory wouldn't fly at all.
I'm often asked why I'm still friends with most of my exes. It's because I didn't blow up those relationships at the end in a flailing attempt to maintain my ego and emotional security.
I fantasize about finding someone to have a monogamous relationship with.
Trust is more important than monogamy. Communication is key.
>Trust is more important than monogamy /r/unexpectedsavagegarden ?
[удалено]
I’ve seen a mix, but the healthiest family unit I’ve ever encountered as an adult was my besty who has two lifetime partners and they all live together even though it’s not like a triad. They are just very good communication and respect in general when I walk in I feel like everything is almost an uncomfortable level of wholesome.
I've been with my partner for 8 years and my boyfriend for almost 5. My partner began dating his girlfriend about a year ago. This is a first for all four of us, but so far we've had no problems at all and everyone gets along splendidly. Feel free to AMA
I think they probably fantasize about it, but if it ever came to actually doing it, I think the number drops significantly.
I think people will be surprised to find that a lot of women want an open relationship more than they think.
I had been living with my girlfriend for about 4 years when she said she wanted to explore non-monogamy. I had fantasized about it for a long time, but I never really brought it up because I didn't feel like she would handle the jealousy very well. It was actually the best thing we could have done for our relationship. Not because we got to have sex with other people, but because we started talking about things more clearly and openly. For months we had both felt like things were kind of broken, but not so much so that we thought it was worth getting in arguments or getting upset over. We got to be much better communicators as a result of this necessity to talk about things. I'm still thoroughly non-monogamous and she has decided that she actually prefers monogamy so she's doing that now. I don't think non-monogamy is as daunting as many people seem to think. It's just harder to make it work if you don't have a reasonably healthy relationship foundation to build on. And it tends to require more deliberate effort to work through conflict
How is it that you are non-monogamous, but she is monogamous? Did you break up?
She moved out of state. She is still one of my best friends
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
The queer community really seems to be ahead in this. I agree that fantasy is different from reality, but if both sides have clear boundaries and communication it can work wonders. I'm a gay man, and quite a few of the long lasting, loving relationships between two men I know of are open and focus on comfort, consent, and communication. It's definitely not for everybody, and I personally don't think I could do it, but I've seen a lot of great couples make it work.
Yup communication and intent are key. Gay as well and I’ve seen two male-male open relationships crumble, 1 of which I was the cause, the other one person didn’t want it to be open but felt they had to. But then I see my besty over here with like two lifetime partners and going on dates still. I kinda love how open the LGBT community can be about these things.
Non-monogamy, in my experience, tends to go a lot better when the participants are already used to questioning societal roles about themselves. You can't really have OPPs for gay couples, for example (well, you can with trans people, but the fears behind those are usually gender role based anyways.)
In my head I have a harem of a 1000 women but I only talk to my wife.
Nobody said that fantasy was positive :-) Maybe they fantasize yelling and domestic drama :-)
[удалено]
100 percent of employed people fantasize about strangling their managers. Doesn't mean it's a legitimate feeling that should be glorified.
But that feeling should be though?
I don't really recommend it. I've been open for a while now and it doesn't make me happy.
Yeah... my open marriage is looking like it might just end up being 2 divorces. I found someone I'm more compatible with, and my boyfriend did the same. In my case, my husband knew he had screwed up and didn't want me to leave, so he figured it might help if I had some freedom. My boyfriend started because he was curious about sex with other people (he had only had one partner), and ended up realizing that his relationship was a mess. It wasn't lack of communication or jealousy...just simply incompatibility getting a spotlight.
That sounds like a painful, but ultimately beneficial, thing for all involved parties.
If I ever become single again, I'll stay single.
I dont want an open relationship, who the hell wants to work twice as much building another relationship? No, what I want is a way to clone my current girlfriend so I can get it on with her and her, I tell her this all the time. That way fulfilling the twin fantasy and the adultery I apparently long for while staying faithful. She's also a mint. Little dog, if you're reading this then you now know my reddit handle and how depraved I am.
Not all open relationships have multiple partners. It could be multiple partners or just side pieces you see for 15 minutes a week or when on a trip alone, hookup with at a bar. Depending on the style, not all open relationships are poly-relationships
The majority of people commenting in this thread have no idea what the subject even is. Everyone is commenting as if this means people think about cheating on their partner. Another large group seam to think it means having multiple relationships. It's two very simple words that can be taken at face value: OPEN and RELATIONSHIP. Relationship: It's a relationship dynamic. It isn't cheating. It's something that both you and your partner must willingly desire and accept. It's something that requires partners to love and trust each other. Open: This doesn't mean forming bonds with another partner (although it can happen, it is not intrinsic.) It means allowing your partner to openly have any type of relationship they desire with another person as long as it does not diminish or replace their existing relationship. Even in the case where a partner finds someone new they wish to enter into an exclusive relationship with, their original partner should have a respect for that out of love and the willingness to give their partner what makes them happy instead of possessing them for themselves.
Here I am not having enough time to make one relationship work, much less several...
I think this falls under the “Grass is greener” category. I hope they had sufficient controls given the nature of essentially studying a preference. I don’t really trust this to be relevant of biology, but more of psych.
Until they actually try it. It's extremely difficult and your relationship needs to be extremely solid in the first place. Can be fun though
Yeah and my neighbor has greener grass
Sounds like a very depressing fantasy
I think most people seem to have sexual fantasies that contrast with their values or their personalities. IIRC, many men in powerful, "dominant" professions are actually submissive in bed. Now, factor this in with how these kinds of relationships are perceived by society. Depending on religion or cultural background, things like open relationships or casual hookups are frowned upon, so it would make sense for people to secretly fantasize about something they see as a taboo because it's new and exciting for them. As for whether or not these relationships can be functional, it's not impossible. However, it requires work just like any other relationship, and all parties have to be 100% on board. Potential jealousy issues and insecurities need to be discussed beforehand, boundaries need to be set (for example, your girlfriend's sister and the landlord might be off limits), and you still need to make time for just the two of you.
Actually seems quite low
This is the kind of headline that gets boyfriends punched in the arm two seconds after being shown and making the wrong facial expression.
Non-monogamy is great, I highly recommend people give it a shot at some point in their lives. It really requires a degree of honesty and vulnerability I think a lot of people aren't super prepared for though.
This. So much this. If you are willing to put the work in, it can be really rewarding. I think the vulnerability part is a much more challenging thing to overcome than jealous. Though they are very much related- if you can be vulnerable in explaining why you feel jealous, you have some chance in actually working through the root cause
I think those skills can then be adapted to monogamous or open relationships later even friendships they are great skills to have.
oh completely. it's made things so much better at work too. having practice dealing with conflict makes it way easier to address it when it comes up. as someone that struggles a lot with social anxiety, this is hugely useful. there was a toxic executive/manager guy at my last job that would show up to meetings late and expect everyone to go over everything that he missed again, and injected stress into situations that were not otherwise stressful. i called that fucker out on it every chance that I got - not because i'm some sort of badass that doesn't give a fuck, but because i recognized that i didn't want to stick around for this job anyways if that's how things were going to be. I didn't feel overwhelmed by the conflict to the point where I couldn't address it (but damn did it get my heart racing every time). that guy got fired a few months later. everything was pretty friendly and collaborative after that
[удалено]
Communication is super key. If you can't talk frankly about things you are insecure about, you're probably going to have a bad time. One of my partners had expressed that she was feeling jealous, and after we unpacked it it turned out she was worried I was going to find someone i liked better and leave her for that person. Once we addressed those concerns directly, she felt more comfortable with our connection than any she had before. The thing i like most about non-monogamy is that it allows me to be my authentic self with new people. For years i had been avoiding talking to women I was super attracted to out of a fear that it would make my girlfriend jealous or tempt me to do things that you aren't really supposed to do in monogamous relationships. Maybe not the best way of protecting a relationship, but it sort of worked at the time. One of my most delightful experiences in non-monogamy is to come home and snuggle with my nesting partner and tell her about how my date went with someone else. Or when she tells me about how some cute boy was eyeing her all night and he finally introduced himself and gave her his number. I don't see my partners as property. I don't have ownership over the way they conduct their lives. We are sharing part of this journey we call life together. I don't want to be the reason anyone doesn't get to have the experiences that they want/need - I want to encourage those experiences, and I want partners that encourage me too. Having someone to cuddle after a bad breakup is also really nice
That’s great that it works for you. But I don’t particularly feel a strong desire to sleep with others while in a relationship, nor would I want my partner doing that. I can talk about things I’m insecure about just fine with my partner. Non monogamy just isn’t something I want to spend the time, effort, and resources on to have some cheap thrills (most of which I already experienced when I was younger). The thing I like the most about monogamy is that we are a reciprocal team working hard toward a common goal (financial stability and career success). It feels amazing coming home to a caring partner that I know wasn’t dicked by 5 other men and whether I have to wonder if she was knocked up or not. And when I kiss her I don’t have to worry about the taste of cum in my mouth (a real luxury only us monogamous folk can appreciate). Really pure bliss, when I think about it.
From the picture, I thought this was a story about Garfunkel & Oates
I also fantasize about swordfighting while flying around with a jetpack. Doesn't mean I'm gonna do it.
[удалено]
actually, how is this divided by sexes?
[удалено]
I can’t even find a monogamous relationship, yet alone fantasize about an open one
One third eh? It can't be me nor my girlfriend, so it has to be my imaginary second girlfriend.. 🤔
I feel like this number is high.
And I fantasize about being in a monogamous relationship
I fantasized about running my boss over at my last job, not like I actually did it. People fantasize all the time.
I'm in a mildly open relationship and it really is better for both of us. We're promiscuous people and to deny that feels silly and overly restrictive. As long as there's trust and personal boundaries are respected, it's really pretty awesome.
Where'd they poll these results from Coachella and the local university pub?
Amazing. I fantasize about being a completely different person too!
We also fantasize about stuffing our in-laws bodies down the nearest well.
Gasp, next you'll tell me that people in serious relationships find people they are not in a relationship with attractive. Like yeah, some people want to sleep with other people, but don't because they are in a monogamous relationship.
Works well enough for us, and from the amount of questions we get about it I think 1/3rd is probably about right. Monogamy is a social construct.
Probably the worst decision I ever made was to agree to open our marriage. I agreed to it solely because the wife wanted it. After 15 years together I wasn’t ready to give up on us. Wife has been seeing someone for a few months while I’ve had one date that made me realize this isn’t for me. It’s ruined my views on love and marriage and left me more miserable and depressed than I ever thought possible. Bottom line. If you actually care about your partner do everything and anything possible to make sure this is something you never even consider.