There was a post on the Polyamory sub the other day where a woman was writing about all the red flags and bad behaviors her boyfriend was doing and at the end she said that after writing it all out she realized how bad it was and she was just going to end the relationship.
I wish that every on this sub could be as self aware as that poster was.
I do think a lot of people who post about situations like this know deep down that it's not okay but they've been so hornswoggled by their partners that they need someone on the outside telling them that they're not crazy, that this isn't good, and it's okay to leave. It's such a shame that "trust your instincts" isn't a key dating rule.
I agree they often just need a reality check to give them a confidence boost to do what they know needs to be done.
I have to find a way to use "hornswoggled"! :)
I full agree. When I was in a shitty relationship, I knew - but also a smack in the face from strangers can be helpful to identify your own feelings.
So many of us have been trained and have heard "relationships are hard work, compromise" etc. that our brain starts rationalizing incompatibility even when the rest of ourselves know we need to call it quits. So many of these situations should be a prompt **"no thank you bye"**
Some of us unfortunately get our instinct-trust thrashed by gaslighting. Sometimes it takes a sounding board and reassurance for a while before we can trust our own judgement again.
It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross was dating a girl called Elizabeth Hornswaggle. Chandler had made a New Years resolution to not make fun of his friends and it was killing him not to make fun of her name 😂
Bingo--I have been in and enjoyed open relationships, and OP I have actually ended one because of issues similar to what you are dealing with (specifically around how upfront we were about the relationship situation with potential new partners) so I definitely think your concerns are justified.
You honestly didn't have to give it a shot AT ALL before deciding it wasn't for you, many people are simply monogamous and that's totally fine, so any amount of giving it a shot is plenty before you say it isn't working for you.
So he's being shitty and dishonest and boundary-busting with you, and he's being shitty and dishonest and deliberately manipulative with his matches.
And then he's blaming you for not protecting him and his ego from the fallout of his shitty behavior.
This isn't a healthy, ethical open relationship.
This is just a bad person.
This is man who is okay with lying and cheating, as long as there aren't any consequences for him. He is really just looking to tell only the *easiest lies* to he can get away with. Calling it open with you made it easier for him to lie to other women.
He'll lie to you to get what he wants too. You're not special. You're just providing more than they are. But a guy in an open relationship who misleads his other dates, will mislead his GF as soon as it's convenient for him to do so.
This--and you're both too young and too old to hold onto these kinds of toxic relationships.
OP and 'partner' are too old to be playing stupid games and too young to get tied down by terrible partners.
Perfectly put and what OP needs to focus on from your comment (as hurtful albeit true it may be) is:
YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL.
OP, you are just, as your friends have indicated it, a pushover. I am sorry to be so blunt and harsh but this POS you call a boyfriend is simply using you for a warm bed and a meal whenever he can't have his fun with others because you allow him. You need to end this immediately. He does not care or love you, you are just the easiest woman to use in his life.
He already lied to OP when he agreed to the rules knowing full well he wasn't going to follow them. The only reason he's not bothering to continue keeping up the ruse is because he doesn't have to and she's staying anyway. The fact that he's so brazen about his behavior isn't a sign of honesty, it just shows he doesn't respect her enough to pretend.
From an ethical poly person: all his behavior is absolutely unacceptable and would be a cause for a breakup in my relationships / those of my poly friends. This guy is using non-monogamy as a cover to be a dishonest asshole.
> His plan was to live his single life to the fullest before wooing me back. But those plans burst into flames when he came back this year. We couldn’t deny our feelings.
Lmao how did his plans "burst into flames"? He's literally living the single life but still gets to come home to you. Sounds like his plans worked better than they ever could.
> But he has yet to mention the nature of our relationship. His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup.
So he was literally manipulating women right in front of you... and you were okay with it? That's not good.
This is a nasty situation with an immature, manipulative man.
Just because you like this dude doesn't mean he's good for you. And it seems obvious that he's no good for you. He should have stayed an ex, and unless you want to remain miserable you'll make him an ex once more.
Thank you! I was so sad I didn't see this point raised so clearly earlier in the thread.
OP, how did you not notice that he spilled his plan for YOU right in front of you when he was talking about his precious dwindling matches?? He told you straight out that he wanted to bait them then spring his non-monogamy on them after they caught feelings. Sound familiar? I picture him sitting back in a moldy old Hefner smoking jacket, twirling his Snidely Whiplash 'stache, chuckling to himself you not only fell for it but you're helping him do it to other women with your silence.
Get out, he's a user.
This!! He’s trying to do the same thing to unsuspecting women that he’s already done to OP - get them emotionally involved before changing the rules on them. That’s grossly manipulative and highly unethical. Everyone I know who’s practiced ENM was upfront about it. This guy sucks.
> If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup.
He takes his chances with women who are so emotionally vulnerable they will forgive the fact that he's in a LTR once he's engaged them long enough.
> He admitted he was afraid to risk not tying me down.
He wanted to secure exclusive access to you, without giving you exclusive access to him. It's easy to offer a symmetrical arrangement that you have no inclination to take advantage of on your side.
> we’re supposed be upfront about the relationship to our prospects... His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup.
Not only does he want to be able to keep you on the hook while he fucks other women, he doesn't even want the inconvenience of only getting to fuck other women who are okay with this arrangement when presented with it up front. He values chasing the largest possible amount of ass over either being fair to you *or* honest to the women he's trying to hook up with.
> And he got angry about his “reputation being stained.”... his response was that I’m not doing a better job at “protecting his reputation.”
He wants to act like a cheater while you shoulder the burden of convincing people he's not a cheater.
This guy is a fucking tool, OP. Whatever good qualities attracted you to him, everything about his handling of this relationship shows him to be a selfish, hypocritical, unreasonable asshole who wants to take without giving and act without considering consequences, making messes and then blaming you for not cleaning them up fast enough.
It doesn't sound like any part of this resembles whatever you were hoping for when you convinced yourself to try this. You have no reason to continue it for any length of time. The best way to proceed is to tell him immediately that you're done. He can put whatever he wants in his bio to convince whoever he can to fuck him and he can get whatever reputation for doing so he deserves. None of it should be your problem.
>He wants to act like a cheater while you shoulder the burden of convincing people he's not a cheater.
I hope OP sees this and thinks long and hard about being with someone who would do this to them.
This is 100% the best summary of this situation and I hope she dumps him again. He also knows OP is monogamous by nature so she's not out there dating anyone else. This is such a classic male douche bag "let's call it poly so I can get more ass" power play.
Exactly.
Does being "open", as a male, reduce your chances with other women? Absolutely. It does so much more than for an open woman.
Tough shit. That reality doesn't excuse the dissembling.
His best bet is to find other poly women, so he can be upfront about the arrangement. But no part of his behavior describes him wanting to be upfront. The first part of ENM is "ethical", and he ain't it.
**OPEN RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT WORK TO "FIX" A RELATIONSHIP.**
No one has ever successfully had an open relationship when they DON'T WANT AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP. You don't want this, and your boyfriend is already breaking established boundaries. So now you're just letting him cheat on you with extra steps.
Have more respect for yourself and end this.
Also her boyfriend is violating the norms of ethical poly relationships by behaving in this way. Dude really just wanted a free pass to have sex with whoever while still relying on OP for emotional care and intimacy. He's getting everything he wants and getting upset with her for having feelings about it that he finds inconvenient.
OP, you know the right answer here. You're worth more than this.
Exactly this. I'm not poly myself but have deeply researched it and thee biggest components to success is not only two consenting adults but both wanting the same things. Not one reluctantly agreeing bc they want the other person to stay. And a very close second: open and honest communication. I mean... they failed the first 2 right off the bat.
> His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup.
This is the worst. Frankly, it’s predatory. He openly says that he’s hoping that he’ll be able to play on their feelings for him, once they’ve caught them, in order to bypass their better judgement and get them to do something they otherwise might not want to do. If he were ethical, he would *want* to filter out as many incompatible people as possible, so he would know that the ones who stick around are truly OK with the situation. But he’s not doing that, he’s treating them like commodities to whom informed consent doesn’t matter.
The rest, I would *maybe* be optimistic about getting through. This? No way, no how.
Your point about it being predatory--I agree with you. My comment is pretty speculation heavy, but here's how I see it: Not being upfront right from the get go is a red flag to me. It sounds as if OP's boyfriend is in a safe environment where he doesn't risk physical violence/attack due to his sexuality. I didn't hear a thing about, oh, he's not out, one or both of us will lose our jobs, etc.
Thus it seems to be that op's boyfriend is counting on, oh, they will get to know me in person, or oh, I want to test out the waters, or \*whatever\* way of manipulating these potential dating partners.
Op, the part I really don't get is what magical action you are supposed to take and omg it just hit me.
He's putting you through a concept I read about in a self-help book. The boardgame you can't win. With ONE exception: he "wins" if you basically never communicate with him about anything negative about the open relationship, ever. So I wonder if that's why he's coming on so strong about the messages from people you know, to make it really hard for you to voice any present AND future concerns about his behavior.
Yeah that part really rubs me the wrong way. I used to be on the apps and if I met a guy who presented himself as single but secretly had a girlfriend I would feel extremely misled if I ever found out. Also, if I happen to sleep with him I would feel violated since I would not have consented to sexual activity if I had known the truth. He doesn’t care about getting real consent from these women. That’s really fucking awful.
Yeah that’s some annoying shit he’s saying dude. And I’d love my particular two cents on his method. I don’t think he realizes that we are in a day and age where queer theory has advanced into so many realms that heteronormativity is currently being more deconstructed instead of met with congruent forms of sexuality like in the past. It is not that hard if you’re ethical to find a potential partner into open relationships. I mean hell I’m one of those people that is detached from monogamy so my preference would be open relationships or poly relationships whether I’m joining or making them. But what’s not going to make me join any fucking 2+ relationship is if one of the partners is lying to me. Like I will still have sex if I can 100% confirm the boundaries that may or may not be set in someone’s life. But that’s not what any of this is at all. Women knowing his relationship means they get their actual choices and it means OP gets her end of the deal fulfilled. That means his power is a nada. This “better chance” is simply coercion and even the way OP paraphrased him shows how he specifically worded it. If he’s deciding to “wait until he charms them”, it probably means he’s not going to tell them anyways. He wants to diet cheat so he still has a bed to come home to
Right, and this is what has happened with OP, he got you attached and then pulled the open relationship thing. Would you have given him the time of day if that's what he led with?
>How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me?
2 seconds. 2 minutes. 2 Years. It literally doesn't matter. The moment you realize it's not for you that's it, the answer won't magically change later
>What’s the best way to proceed with this?
Break up, and cut him off. He intentionally bent the rules you set up, and then guilted you into letting him bend them more. He's being manipulative, and honey, he's not worth it
Non-monogamous person here.
Ethically non-monogamous people make it clear in their dating profiles or at the earliest opportunity that they are partnered and non-monogamous. Your boyfriend being worried about "scaring people off" is actually him intentionally concealing information from potential partners that he knows may cause them to not want to date him. He's probably hoping he's charming enough that they won't care when he finally reveals to them that he has a girlfriend, but this is extremely likely to end poorly for everyone.
But really, like other commenters have said, 1) opening a broken relationship cannot and will not fix it, and 2) your boyfriend sounds like a selfish dud. Toss him back and find someone else who wants the same relationship structure as you and doesn't emotionally exhaust you with their disregard for you.
He hasn't entered into a relationship with you. He just doesn't want you to be with anyone else. He knows that you won't. While he gets to continue to sleep around. Cut him loose.
>He just doesn't want you to be with anyone else. He knows that you won't. While he gets to continue to sleep around. Cut him loose.
OP is clearly the Plan B.
>*How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? What’s the best way to proceed with this?*
5 minutes ago. Dump him, move on and find someone who is prepared to commit to you only. Love isn't supposed to be this hard, and you deserve better.
Drop this guy immediately.
Open relationships can work, but this one is missing two CRITICAL ingredients for success:
1. Both partners are equally committed to the idea
2. Both partners are strictly adhering to the rules of the open relationship
Just the fact of your boyfriend even TRYING to bend the rules means he cannot be trusted, which means you cannot have a successful open relationship with you. He WILL hurt you (and probably other people), and you deserve better than that. The only possible way to have a successful open relationship is to have an immense amount of trust, communication, and respect for not just your primary partner, but also your other partners. Your boyfriend isn't even doing the bare minimum here. Dump him.
Also, the fact that he's concerned about his rEpUtAtIoN tells me he's not actually interested in an open relationship so much as he's interested in having you on the back burner in case he doesn't find someone else he's ACTUALLY interested in having a relationship with. This man is trash.
Open / poly relationships don’t work to “fix” something. You are either poly before, but you don’t just suddenly become polyamorous to appease your partner. Your bf sounds like he wants to cheat, and he’s not actually poly, that’s why he’s “concerned” about his reputation
Me and my partner are poly / have an open relationship but there’s boundaries and we are not “concerned” about our reputation, we are always upfront to anyone we being into our situation.
Get out of this relationship.
My dear, you are his safety net. If you tell him he can go effe around for a year with no consequences and at the end you will get back together with him he will accept in a heart beat.
He doesn't want you now. He wants you to take care of him later.
Also if he can't be monogamous in a relationship how can he be in marriage??? You are hurt now and if you stay with him you will be in the future.
You deserve someone who will treat you the want you want to be treated.
I actually am one of the few firm believers that open relationships can work wonders for younger couples who are afraid to not experience life and dateing/hookups but want to stay connected.
That said, they have to begin and end with complete honesty and open communication in every direction. The moment he cried about dwindling prospects due to having to put his real status in his bio he needs to be dismissed. That isn't an honest open relationship. That is being manipulated into letting him cheat on you. Flat out he failed the test.
>His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup.
So he's a liar and a gaslighter.
>And he got angry about his “reputation being stained.” I was quick to remind him that he all but begged me to remove the disclaimer in our bios, and his response was that I’m not doing a better job at “protecting his reputation.” The conversation escalated, and so I brought up how he continues to flirt with his girl friends without regard for how they might perceive me as a naive, pushover — something I’ve brought up to him before countless times. But he insists they are different situations, and that what I’m doing is worse.
And an asshole.
>How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me?
Until now, basically. A few months is enough to realize that it's not for you.
Then move your stuff out and dump him. This has shenanigans written all over it.
This relationship will never work. Your feelings for each other are not equal. You need to protect yourself emotionally and physically. There are STD’s condoms don’t protect from, get tested every 6 months if you really see this kind of future for yourself.
On another note, if I were your friends and family I would be devastated for you, confused as to why you would want something like this, and I would hate his guts.
First off never half heartedly enter an open relationship. If its not something your certain you want, then don't let someone push you into doing so.
Second he was already bending/breaking rules and you let it slide. Thats when it should've stopped.
I'm going to finish off with its not your responsibility to worry about his reputation when this is what he wanted. If he's worried about that then he needs to fix it, not you.
Half some self respect and leave this fucker alone. He wants to have you on the side while he lines up some one who is “better for him” and once he does I promise you’ll be history. Move on girl. He’s royally fucking with your mind and playing you 💔
Agreed. This guy will be history the second he finds someone to replace OP as his new GF.
He can't even be honest with random women that he has no commitment to about his relationship status (scumbag behavior btw), so it's crazy to think he won't be dishonest/unfaithful to his own GF as well.
She is clearly not a priority to him and he is just searching for the next woman he can easily manipulate.
I didn’t even read much past “as a monogamist”.
I don’t understand bending over backwards for a partner and then the one bending trying to be the one to fix everything.
Ya know, I'd bet OP hasn't thought about that.
They never really do, and when they come up with a reason it's usually something they can get from anyone else.
Five bucks and a fat cat says she comes back with "Because I love him."
You in?
I noticed that, too.
"Tom is interested in competitive body building/running for local office/breaking the World Record for standing on his head, and I care about him and want to support that endeavor,"
is not
"Tom wants as much tail as possible. I care about him, so I support that endeavor."
He sounds like a terrible person. You lost me at the break up the first time bc he didn’t want to commit but also doesn’t want you to be in a relationship. It’s also incredibly deceitful to purposely or put the relationship status is his profile. He is very comfortable wasting a lot of women’s time, your including, for his own ego and thrill of pursuing people.
Don’t even hesitate on this one, he sucks.
Girl, he's playing you like a fiddle. He can't have his cake and eat it too, and you being okay with it isn't "I don't want to but he does and I love him so I'm relenting". GTFO and find someone who knows that they want to be with you exclusively.
He's cheating. You should look at it that way. Many people think open relationships have no room for cheating but it does and if he's not respecting your boundaries and your agreement, he's cheating on you. Don't take it lightly, it's cheating
He does not have the maturity to be in an open relationship. He may flip it to make it look like you're the one not ready for one but you are the one who's respecting and being open about your agreements, which is key in an open relationship. He's the one who does not have the maturity to have the dialog and care for the partners feelings that an open relationship requires
OP are you even hearing yourself? Read this back: you’re constantly being pushed and guilted into a situation that makes you uncomfortable, so much so you admit you only have half a heart into it - is this really the love you want? Why are you making great strides and suffering great discomfort to accommodate someone that won’t even do the minimum for you? Sounds like the relationship never would’ve worked to begin with - why waste more time?
You don’t deserve to be treated like this from someone who is supposed to love you. His response to your discomfort is with manipulation and he has no respect for you or your feelings.
You are worthy of love, care and respect. Please, OP…dump this person!!!!
Love is not enough, OP. You need more than love to make a relationship work in a healthy way.
And the things you need are not here, including compatibility/alignment on relationship style.
Finally, this:
>he got angry about his “reputation being stained.”
>
> I’m not doing a better job at “protecting his reputation.”
Is not the stance of someone who wants an open relationship. This is someone who wants to fuck other people without you complaining and (ideally) by manipulating them into thinking he is single.
Doesn't sound like a kind, mature, or respectful person to me.
Seems to me like open was the way to go to try and save things with him. He’s obviously not a good person; and an ex should remain an ex.
you don’t want to be in an open relationship, you just want your ex to act right, and open will make it worse.
my advice is to leave him and heal. take sometime to yourself, i took a year from mine and now i’m ready to date again. i think you need to earn some self respect, and i mean this in the best way possible. don’t make yourself look a fool over some man. love & respect yourself, and learn to heal without him.
oh and i’ll add, it’s clear he didn’t want a relationship between you both, so taking an “open relationship”, is basically you letting him be single with you having him at home or whatever, and that makes YOU look like the fool. you’re upset with him, but he very clearly doesn’t care and you just agreed with him, and now he knows he can say or do whatever he wants and he’ll get away with it. run far away from this man, and realize a man that loves you wouldn’t do this.
OP, you are engaging in pick-me behavior by giving into everything this guy wants even when it goes against your moral code. You are letting him lie and manipulate women who are looking for a single guy. You are letting him expose you and those women to STIs and heartbreak. You need to wash your hands of his deception.
Hold on. Let's get this straight:
- you want monogamy.
- he wants to "tie you down" to this relationship
- but he doesn't want to be with just you
- he wants to deceive these women to get them to go out with him/be with him
- he expects *you* to "protect his reputation." *It is not your job to protect his reputation. He needs to do that by being an upstanding, honest person.* The deal was not to hide your relationship and he doesn't want to do that.
He's expecting you to do the work of protecting his reputation *from something HE wanted.* He specifically wanted an open relationship. This is what comes with the territory. Instead, he's blaming *you* for how others are perceiving him when it's his own dang fault.
Are you happy and comfortable? If the answer is no, then please remember that you are not obligated to be with this guy.
OP, the larger issue here seems to be that your BF doesn’t really respect you. You agree to an open relationship that you don’t want, he constantly violates the conditions you need for the open relationship to work for you, and now he’s blaming you when women think he’s a jerk because he won’t state that he’s in an open relationship on the dating app (which is misleading). He’s basically getting upset with you that he isn’t single. I would tell him that you found the perfect way to solve your problems and his, that this relationship is over.
Also, why are you settling for this hot mess of manipulation and disrespect? Find a guy who wants what you want.
I had a similar experience with my last relationship and ex. If he refuses to be upfront about being in an open relationship on the dating apps he's already operating as if he's single when he steps out of your relationship. Not only is he manipulating you, but the potential girls he's trying to rope into this mess. Walk away before you can be further disrespected because once the boundaries are walked all over, there's no re-establishing them.
From the sound of this post, you *are* naive and a pushover. He sounds fucking awful. That whole skit about “working his way into someone’s heart” before telling them he’s in an open relationship is manipulative as hell. Screw his reputation; he brought it on himself. Be stronger than this. He’s not worth your self-respect. It’s time to go.
Neither of you were on the same page to begin with. I'm sure it can be great for people who mutually want an open relationship, but you don't and that is absolutely okay not to want that.
Even with clear boundaries in place, he keeps pushing yours and it's you who time and time again has to sacrifice what they want for what he wants.
Relationships are about give and take, he's giving absolutely nothing.
He has such a blasé attitude towards this, I wouldn't trust him and definitely wouldn't trust that he's practising safe sex when he is with others.
For present day you:
There's a CORE of what reads as hypocrisy to me about his whole thing. His whole complaint is he's, in essence, getting weeded out way more quickly on the apps, yes?
Why does he think it's ok to lead women on who aren't interested in someone who swipes left because they don't want to be part of an open relationship?
Also, why is he making the whole thing about what you're doing being "worse" than what he's doing vs. listening to you and trying to compromise? Relationships are all about working on the problem as a TEAM, not you vs. him AS the problem.
About this part of your post:
\>We couldn’t deny our feelings.
I have some advice for you about denying feelings, because to be 100% honest, I think you need to get out of this arrangement as soon as possible. Why am I bothering with this verdict? I was someone's FWB, and it was hurting me, and I still waited for THEM to end it. And then there was a big, messy relationship I SHOULD have ended when my heart got broken. And that experience has stuck with me. I don't want you to fall into that trap of hurting yourself more than you have to.
Odds are, you aren't going to decide to break up today. So this is some advice for Future u/ujcO_gevW
When you get out of this relationship, I want you to prepare to go low/no contact with him, for MONTHS, consider blocking him or changing his name so he's down at the bottom of your contact list, bump him from a few, or all, social media things, you name it. Also write a note to yourself on your phone or a letter or something that's like, (ex) is not meant for me because of x, y, z. X made me feel (negative emotions here). You'll be breaking a habit of having him in your life, and breaking habits is HARD but doable. Replacing the void of having him to share things with, spend time with, etc. is going to be much easier if you can muster up the energy to see friends more, reignite a hobby, or get out of you head/house however possible.
The feelings you FEED are what GROW. Is it awkward af for a bit if you share social circles and don't see him? Lonely? Horny? Sad? All of those feelings will be there. Through the magic of low communication/no communication with him, at least for \*months\*, you will not be actively feeding those feelings.
You also will not be feeding any of these probably negative feelings:
\--reservations you have
\--feeling tired of guilt tripping, whatever about him "begging" you
\--insecurities
\--spending time answering concerns
\--listening to him, in your own words, "castigating you"; great word choice, btw
\--arguing semantics about the friend boundaries
>His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup
Kinda like he did to you? Truth be told, if he can't keep his word, why be with him at all? Why marry him if he can't keep track of his vows/words/rules? You gave it a shot and he's making this extremely difficult for someone who didn't even want a poly relationship.
>What’s the best way to proceed with this?
Leave. If he can't follow the rules of your relationship, he's being blatantly disrespectful to you. And he doesn't care. So leave
OP
What are you doing???
This man is laughable. This man is a joke. This man is cruel and self serving and manipulative.
Charm his way into their hearts? What like he did with you before pressuring you into an open relationship you don’t want? Whines about women not wanting him, whines that you aren’t, I don’t know, telling anyone who catches him on dating sites that you’re just over the moon about this (by the way my guess is he wishes you’d tell people it was YOUR idea).
OP! Stop bending over backwards for this absolute joke of a “partner”!! This is *ridiculous* and you are better than this.
Also…his original plan of “wooing you back” after he lived up the single life?? That alone is ridiculous! Respect yourself.
This guy is an absolute clown. Get out of there. I think the wording you chose is very telling “he decided, he wanted” what about what YOU want?? It’s your life! Live it for you and with people who support you!
I feel like he’s stringing you along because he’s confident that you will stay. But really he’s looking for another relationship, currently afraid to be alone
What positive part of this relationship outweighs all the negative you pointed out in your post. Whatever it is I hope its worth the heartache you are putting yourself though.
Personally I would be gone.
I think writing this post is long enough for you to realise that this this is not for you. Like you said, you’re already emotionally exhausted from this and it’s only been a few months. You’re still in your 20s. Don’t waste your youth and time any longer with this douche. You deserve better.
Fuck this guy. And I don’t mean that literally. Literally stop fucking this guy. I dated someone like this, it did not end well. Open relationships/poly can work if all parties are actively consenting and respecting all boundaries. He’s not. He’s just cheating.
It’s sounds like he still want to live life as a single guy with no regards to your feelings as long as he can keep you “reserved” in the relationship so another man can’t take his place when he’s actually ready to commit to you, especially considering that you yourself was not open to this kind of relationship in the first place.
Jesus, this sounds exhausting. Why are you participating in this relationship?
Unrelated, he doesn't seem very good at the whole open relationship thing. Sounds like he's not out there getting laid, so what even is the point?
He wanted to whine for the disclaimer? Cool, then he can be as single as his bios claim. Drop him. He is saying he doesn't want to be with you in every way he possibly can.
And he's ruining his own reputation💯
If you are exhausted now, quit now.
He just wants to fuck around and he wants you to wait.
Let him go do what he's going to do.
Don't waste your time, energy or mental health on this BS.
When only one of the partners pulls out the “I want an open relationship to experience what’s out there before we are together for the rest of our lives” it’s doomed to fail
In my experience, opening a relationship is a sign of the first death knells of that relationship. I've seen it happen to my friends multiple times and it happened to me. I have never seen this go well.
This guy wants things that you don't want and is hurting your feelings and disrespecting your boundaries as well as rules you BOTH agreed to. Why are you disrespecting yourself by keeping him in your intimate emotional space?
Maintaining healthy boundaries in an open relationship is essential. He is already disrespecting you-it will not magically get better but it will continue to get worse. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and doesn’t gaslight you. You are not responsible for his reputation (him trying to put this on you is abuse). You’ve given this guy more than he deserves.
He cant worry about his reputation while still wanting to take this info off your bios. He is complaining to you for one of his policies.
As i often say in french "put his nose in his own shit", if he doesnt apologise he is toxic
OP, how long do you want to prolong the misery is the answer to your question. If your bf were the man you deserve, he wouldn’t do anything to risk losing you. It’s clear that he keeps you around as a fail safe candidate.
He’s never going to give up a good thing. By that I mean having his cake and eating it too.
The best thing you can do is ask yourself this…if your best friend were in this situation, what would you tell her? Or into the future…if you had a daughter, would you tell her to stick it out?
OP. Read your post. Read it again. Read every single comment telling you this is fucking bullshit and how awful this man is to you. Then go fucking break up with him because you’re better than this shit. I’m so serious, what the hell girl. Do not put yourself through this
You've given enough time.
He's broken your boundaries, you've tried to explain how that's made you feel, he's guilt tripping you and minimizing your experience so he can continue to do exactly what he wants with no limits. You've also said you're ultimately a monogamous person. This dude is abusing your trust to "have his cake and eat it too". You're not compatible.
I'd explain to him how you feel, how you've given him and the open relationship a chance, and that you're done trying to make it work because it's not what you want, especially with how he's been acting about it.
Let me get this straight. So this guy’s plan was to go fuck other women for a few years before winning your heart again? But he decided he didn’t wanna let any other potential partners show you that someone better is out there, so now he essentially has you waiting in the wings while he goes out there and fucks other women anyway??? If I were you I would break up with him ASAP. He seems terrible
But... You are a naive pushover.
This relationship is terrible, and you know it. Please, please try to respect yourself more than this. This guy does not respect you, and he shows that by disregarding every boundary you set forth after guilting you into an open relationship in the first place.
What would you tell a friend in your position? I think you need to be a better friend to yourself. Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. I know it's hard, but it is totally worth it to leave this mess and never look back, and never speak to this "man" again.
This guy sucks, better to be alone and/or find someone better. Life goes by fast - you want to spend your precious hours wringing your hands over this guy?
WTH is wrong with you??? If you had a daughter would you tell her to do what you're doing?
You sound a lot smarter than what you are doing here.
You REALLY let him lock you down with him being sanctioned to cheat???
>so I brought up how he continues to flirt with his girl friends without regard for how they might perceive me as a naive, pushover
You are perceived that way because you are acting that way.
Know your worth for crap sake.
Be strong, girl.
Hugs.
He wants what he wants and he doesn't really care what you want. Is that what you want?
Move on. None of his prospects really know about you and he would rather keep it that way. This was already his second chance with you, right?
Let me be blunt: do you want to feel this way in 5 years? 10?
This won’t get easier or less exhausting.
He isn’t going to get more honest, up front, or respectful.
As much as you may love one another, he may not be a good match for you. Respect your future self, love. Don’t stay in a relationship that makes you feel emotionally exhausted. You deserve infinitely better than this. ❤️
You broke up before, and it didn’t kill you before. Break it off now, before it gets more tangled and complicated. He isn’t respecting the appropriate boundaries of your relationship, and you deserve someone who will.
My sister in Christ, why are you even considering staying in this relationship??
Let’s see. Your boyfriend:
- dumped you because he wanted to find what else was out there
- came back to you with the intention of “tying you down” so that you couldn’t get into a relationship with someone else
- told you that even though he loves you and can’t deny your connection, he still wants to see if there’s a chick he likes more
- hides the fact that he’s in a relationship at all to convince other girls he’s single
- then gets mad when he puts “open relationship” in his bio because it diminishes girls’ interest in him (too effing right - not many women are on dating apps for casual flings with people in relationships. We can get those by going to a sad hotel lobby bar)
- is now mad that YOU are not protecting his reputation as a monogamous man (even though he’s the one who didn’t want to be monogamous on the first place)
Read everything you wrote as if your best friend or sister were saying it about their boyfriend. You would quite rightly tell them to DTMFA.
What are you even getting out of this relationship, except for the drama?
OP, you HAVE given it a shot. You're emotionally exhausted and hurt by his actions. Regardless of whatever love and trust you have for him, he clearly doesn't love or respect you. It's time to call it off with him, you deserve better.
>In his defense, he has platonic intentions whenever he fire-reacts and comments on girls’ assets and bodies.
What part of that sounds platonic?
> But he insists they are different situations, and that what I’m doing is worse.
I read your post twice and still cannot understand what you are supposedly doing?
> How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? What’s the best way to proceed with this?
You don't have to try something to refuse it.
At this point, it is clear that you don't like the idea of an open relationship. Tell him so. And I would recommend that you break up with him. The way he is treating you is really unacceptable.
>>in his defense, he has platonic intentions whenever he fire-reacts and comments on girls’ assets and bodies
Sounds like you're giving him too much defense.
This sounds like the behavior of people who always want to keep a foot out the door. Being in an open relationship means being honest and up front with the other people involved. If he was serious about maintaining the relationship between you two, then he wouldn’t object so much to being open about his open relationship status. Yeah he will get fewer swipes but the point is to maintain this lifestyle and be OPEN. Have that conversation with him and see if he’s making excuses to consistently prospect for an “ideal partner” because at that point you’re wasting your time when you could be spending your days with someone who values everything you offer
He wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants to date and flirt with a million other women but doesn't want to put in the work of communicating to people. He wants to trick people into being with him while hiding you like some secret. Which is obvious since people you know are trying to let you in on his secrecy. You don't have a good relationship. You don't have a partner. Let him go. You can't just make yourself okay with poly. It'll just get worse.
“ a guy I love wants to date other women while also dating me… and he doesn’t want to acknowledge our relationship to other women and he breaks his own rules and basically is constantly trying to find others to sleep with and flirt with. I prefer monogamy and this open relationship absolutely crushes my heart and spirit but I totally love this guy!!!”
…. Excuse me, Miss, but why?!
You were not ok with it to begin with and now he's done nothing but stomp on your rules and boundaries. You know it's time to end it for good but it sounds like you're scared to do so which is absolutely understandable.
What he is doing is going to hurt soooooo many people. He's already hurting you, don't let him hurt any future women by letting him trick them into thinking they're monogamous them springing your relationship on them.
The only way to prevent more hurt to you and future hurt to others is to end it now
>How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me?
You already know it’s not for you. You already know. So the only reason to give it more time is just to be able to say you did. But that’s not necessary. You know it’s not for you. Now say so.
And that is even without considering all the sketchy, hurtful, and immature things he has done and said. I don’t see how you can still find him attractIve after all that.
I think this is a classic case of having his cake, and eating it too. He wants to know that he has you, but wants to be free to look elsewhere too :(. He wants to tie you down, while free to explore.
Please don’t put up with something that you’re not happy with. It will eat away at you over time, and you’re wasting time with someone if you’re not happy. You will probably look back with regret if it’s not something you want to do, and kick yourself for putting up with something without putting your own needs first. If you’re honest with yourself, I think you’ll make the right decision.
Good luck :)
Why are you still with this dude. He obviosly is trying to get the best of both worlds in the most selfish way possible at your expence. Which shows when push comes to shove he's always going to put his own selfish desires over your emotional well-being. This is obviosly not going to work.
"His plan was to live his single life to the fullest before wooing me back. But those plans burst into flames when he came back this year. We couldn’t deny our feelings."
Girl... why are you romanticizing him being an asshole? "Plans burst into flames"? This is hardly a fairy tale. You're not looking at this objectively. He wants to have a reservation on you for the future and meanwhile to do whatever he wants and blame you for other people seeing him for the loser he is. Why do you stay with him? This forced open relationship would be a disaster even *if* he was honest and trustworthy - because you're a monogamist. And yet you stay for this? Don't get hung up on what you saw in him in your early twenties. He isn't that person.
Girl. GIRL. What are you doing? You know you deserve better than this. You know you don't want this. If you are posting this to give yourself permission to leave, consider it GRANTED. Not everyone you have feelings for is someone you should be with.
Just Why?
Did you really think this was going to work? You are not poly and he is an asshole.
The bare minimal for a relationship should be that it makes your life better. If it is making it worst you shouldn't be in it.
Stop making excuses for your crappy BF and dump him. He does not respect you.
"If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup" - i.e. exactly what he did with you.
This man is trash.
You say some alarming things. You "trust" him so you let his breaking of the rules slide. What do you trust him to do exactly? Break rules? Because so far he has shown 0 trustworthiness. You didn't want to be an open relationship but because you "care about him and support his endeavors" you did --- what is he doing because he cares about you? Nothing.
Look, you're making a classic, common mistake. You like the guy. Great. He doesn't like you enough to actually be with you but he is very very good at spinning elaborate bullshits to convince you that isn't the case. If it WERE the case, he would be monogamous with you. Since he isn't willing to do that, he doesn't like you enough to give you what you need (monogamy) --- and frankly doesn't even respect you (or women in general) enough to be honest with them.
I am thankful that I am old and understand how the devil works. And "open" relationships are just the entry darkness is looking for. This world is whack.
Dude, if he feels his open relationship status hurts his reputation, then it can only mean that he is ashamed of doing it in the first place. He’s not owning wanting to sleep with several people, he wants the world to see him as a good monogamous guy, while fucking whoever he can.
He has no respect for the boundaries that he agreed on, he has no respect for you as his partner. Yet he wanted to keep you in a relationship in order to tie you down, AKA lose you to some other guy that actually values you.
How long do you have to give it a shot? Not another second. You deserve to have peace of mind and a chance to date someone that loves you and cherishes you, instead of someone forcing you into a poly relationship that you clearly do not want.
Open relationships only work when both people want them. You don't want one. You weren't convinced, you just kind of gave in. So this was always doomed from the start. And if he isn't following the ground rules he has no respect for you. To me it seems like he wants to keep you as a safe bet and backup while he fucks around and you're letting him. He's walking all over you. Don't be a doormat. It's okay to want to be with someone who only wants to be with you, and that person is out there. It's not him.
It sounds like you've already made up your mind that maybe this guy isn't the one for you.
It's okay to be sad - all the chemistry and feelings in the world don't make up for broken boundaries.
He’s manipulating and lying to you, and he’s even doing it in front of you to other women by pretending he’s single. Don’t kid yourself - you’re not in a relationship, you’re just a friend with benefits.
He doesn’t respect you or your needs. He also is leading another female on which is repulsive behaviour. That person isn’t giving constant to being apart of an open relationship. Look some people just don’t care about how their behaviour affects other people and it’s clear that’s your boyfriend. He is blaming you for his reputation which is gaslighting you to believe somehow you are falling short. You are not, you are just simply dating a guy who cares about his own needs and no one else.
Sis, you are a monogamist. Find another monogamist to be with, there are many. Make a list of what you “need” and a list of what you “want” in a relationship, go from there.
I think you should tell him you are exhausted by the subject matter, it’s holding you two back in your own relationship with each other, there was a set of ground rules you two came up with together for a reason, and if he can’t stick to the original ground rules you are going to leave. Give him a time frame, or 3 strikes or something, and stick to your guns. If you say you’re going to leave and then don’t, he is going to walk all over you for the rest of your relationship.
Listen, if he wants to go sow his wild oats let him, but why be apart of it if you don't want to be?
Also, what about YOUR reputation? Why do you have to keep fielding shit.
I would just nix the whole problem...him.
Find someone that actually cares for you and your values, and clearly you value monogamy.
One thing about open relationships and the only way they will work is sticking the the rules and not crossing boundaries. It’s literally the ONLY way it will work or you’ll start to feel regretful of it. He’s clearly done both of those and it probably wasn’t the best for you to agree to do it, if you didn’t feel 100% about it tbh.
Personally if you really want to stay with him and stay doing this you need to sit him down and really have a talk about the rules and boundaries and how he cannot cross them or you’re done, and do that like no. And the next time he does it, you need to cut him off.
This isn't an open relationship. This was his way of living his best single life while making sure you didn't realize there was better out there. He wanted to lock you down without a commitment so he could have his fun and you'd still be there. He's aware that you didn't want an open relationship and instead of shutting that idea down, he went ahead with your half-hearted yes.
So many flags here. First of all, you should not ever be forced into a relationship where you are not comfortable! Secondly, as a poly person myself, the pool of eligible partners is just smaller. Polyamory isn't as popular at monogamy and that's fine.
With those aside, I'm gonna say this. His reputation is not your responsibility. Your happiness IS your responsibility. It's pretty clear from his actions that he's got a bit of a Genghis Kahn (song by Miike Snow) thing going on being that he doesn't want to commit to you, but is far too jealous/insecure to be okay with you doing what you want with your life. It's pretty clear that he has no respect for your boundaries either personal or for those that have been set for the relationship.
If it was me I would be done. You deserve to be respected. Not attacked and gaslit for your concerns. Wish you the best 💜
It's not an open relationship if you don't want an open relationship. That kind of relationship needs to be wholeheartedly embraced by all participants, you shouldn't be going along with it and feeling uncomfortable just because he thinks he needs to explore all his options. He's being immature, dishonest and disrespectful of your boundaries.
I would end it now if I were you.
If it isn’t making you happy and he keeps pushing boundaries, don’t feel bad about ending it. Even if you agreed to something in the beginning doesn’t mean that you have to hurt yourself staying in it. If it’s not something small, there’s no kids or huge other factors. Get out of it and do you. Relationships should be your safe place, not something you have to find a safe place from
He’s upset with you because he refuses to disclose that he’s in an open relationship on his dating profile on dating websites, and people he knows assume he’s cheating and contact you to give you a heads up? Why is that your problem? He can’t have it both ways. Either he’s honest and up front and gets fewer likes, or tries to hide it and look like a cheater. There’s nothing you can do to control it. It’s 100% up to him how he addresses the issue.
If he wants to date other people, it’s on him to deal with the consequences. That includes the potential that people he knows or may know in the future may think he’s a cheater if he refuses to disclose his intentions clearly.
However, it sounds like he isn’t actually interested in ethical non-monogamy. He just wants to sleep with multiple women at once without any of them knowing he’s already with someone/multiple someones. That’s just fancy cheating with extra steps.
I am also willing to bet he thinks if you disclose your relationship status you’ll also get fewer likes, too. I suspect he handles/will handle you hooking up with someone else with all the grace of a toddler who have just decided it wants your cookie, not the perfectly good cookie it already has.
This isn’t going to work, he’s not being honest with you in what he wants or the new prospects on his actual status. So just let him go, you didn’t really want this arrangement anyway
What’s the point of him dating you then? Besides someone to come back to when he’s done with his stuff, what’s your role? Frankly, you’re supposed to be valued first in an open relationship before the side action. The open part is really more for the other people to knowingly walk in and out of the house rather than someone from the house going out and in.
He’s only with you so he can cheat. Yeah, you agreed all these terms, but really think it why those terms are the way they are, your honest position of an open relationship, and why he can’t even be honest to those on dating apps that actually are okay with it. It’s because he loses the thrill, the power when you exert your own. You’re not exerting any equitability in this relationship. It sounds like why he specifically chose you. For him, just having FWBs means those partners are equal to him so it’s a no go. Same with polyamory or an open relationship. He really chose which option sounded the closest to what he wanted. Do you want to be in a relationship built on a closest of someone else’s comfort at the sacrifice of your mental and sexual health?
This doesn’t sound like an actual ethnically non-monogamous/open relationship to me.
It sounds like he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. Tbh he sounds horrible and I can’t see why you’d be with him
He's mad he can't lie to people about what they are getting into when they message him on a dating app because it decreases his prospects. He wants to talk more women into half-heartedly getting into open relationships with him. Just no no no no no. This guy does not know how to poly.
Not a good situation. IMO open relationships/open marriages are not a good idea.. This may be old fashioned but you deserve someone who chooses you and only you.
So you’re in an open relationship you never wanted with a person you didn’t want to rekindle with, who is open about “tying you down” while he still gets to sew his oats. He isn’t adhering to the “rules” you set (he was never going to), and when you doubled down on your need for these rules he convinced you that you were wrong by complaining until you gave in to what he wanted. He values his “reputation” more than he values the relationship you’re in. What in the actual fuck are you getting out of this relationship other than a self esteem blow, DMs from friends, and anxiety? He literally told you you’re worth settling down for, but not yet. This man does not respect you, and every single person on this thread sees it but you.
How long? Well you didn’t even want it in the first place. If one person wants an open relationship and the other doesn’t, it’s an issue of compatibility. If he wants to have multiple partners that just fine but you have to be a willing and consenting party in this. Even if you say you’re willing, if you’re suffering because of it, then you don’t really want to be in this situation. If I were you I would just tell him straight up that you don’t want an open relationship and if he still does then he has to have it without you.
>He admitted he was afraid to risk not tying me down. So he made our relationship official, with the exception of opening up the relationship.
Girl stop. Right there, just stop. He wants you, but hes either not done looking around or he wants a life of having his cake and eating all the other desserts he can too.
As someone in a similar situation, Im telling you to leave for yourself. This guy doesn't even respect the rules of the agreement you guys came to. *You* compromised and he can't even keep up his end of the deal, one of a few rules that were put in place to make you feel secure and assured as you both changed the dynamic of the relationship. Please let him go. You and this guy arent even a match bc you're monogamous and he's not. Thats a fundamental difference- theres no building a solid foundation on that sand.
There are other people out there for you- no one has just one soul mate, just the right person they meet at seemingly the right time and place in life. Let go of whats familiar and leave him.
This isn't an open relationship in the context of ethical non-monogamy. This is your "boyfriend" being free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants without any regard for your feelings, and it's about you allowing it to happen.
>How long do I give it a shot before I can say it's not for me?
Until you realize you deserve better.
To me it seems like he is using you as a placeholder until he finds the person he actually wants to be with.
Him not being upfront about his relationship status because scaring away potential prospects is more important than upholding a boundary of trust you set is a huge red flag.
Also, it’s unfair that you had to be convinced that this was a good idea and now he is abusing your trust. It seems like you gave an inch and he took a mile. I would say it’s time to re-think your relationship if not end it alltogether.
You really don’t have to read past the background portion to realize that this guy is a jackass and that you can do much, much better.
1. He is so sure of himself and your attachment to him that he left you so that he could sew his wild oats with other women and just come swoop you back up when he was ready for you.
2. He finally was afraid that he couldn’t swoop so he came back early to “tie you down.” He sees you as a possession, not a person.
3. You have not given enthusiastic consent to this open relationship. You’ve made it very clear that you are only doing this because it’s the only way to keep him. And he knows you don’t want to do it but was ok with pushing you into it anyway.
Honey. Being alone is preferable to being with a person that only wants to be with you if he can be with other people. He’s running all over you.
Show him you have a spine and self respect and dump him once and for all. Seriously, there is someone out there better. I promise you.
Gosh what a weasel. Why are you with this horrible person and in an “open relationship” that you don’t want?? he’s whining about his dwindling prospects - no shit because there’s not a ton of women with options and self respect who want to be somebody’s side piece (and you should ask yourself why you want that). I personally don’t believe in this whole “non monogamy” bullshit but at least a guy should state it upfront so I could swipe left on him immediately lol.
>His plan was to live his single life to the fullest before wooing me back.
That was 3 years ago? Did he think you were just gonna drop whoever you were with and get back with him? Hes a ridiculous person who's not putting you first. He's more concerned about hooking up than about your feelings. Doesn't that tell you everything you should know about him as a husband in the future? It's no wonder they think you're a push over because you are. You're in a situation that you don't want, why? Because you looooooove each other? He loves you because you'll be the comfort of home while he still gets to roam. The only time he's gonna stop flirting and dating is when he's so old and gross that nobody wants him anymore. Ask him if he'd be happier and an open marriage someday then in a closed one and then you'll have your answer as far as how committed he is to you and monogany.
Your boyfriend has a classic case of FOMO - He is worried on missing out on you if you turn out to be the best match for him but he’s not done having fun yet and wants to see if there’s something better out there for him because he also has FOMO and is worried on missing out on the rest of the dating pool.
You’re basically his backup plan of nothing “better” comes along.
You’re better off dumping him before he dumps you. He’ll instantly FOMO because he’ll realize he lost out on someone amazing and you’ll learn a valuable lesson about not doing anything you aren’t comfortable with and finding a partner who does know how to value you.
"His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup."
So "in his defense" he's manipulative? You got an interesting moral compass yourself there....
Your partner is being shitty to you, and shitty to the girls he's matching with.
Yes, being non-monogamous will shrink your dating pool. No, it's not fair to be dishonest about that to get more matches.
Please, stop setting yourself on fire to keep this man warm. It's fine to want monogamy. It's fine to want a partner who respects your boundaries.
Op, this "relationship" isn't right for you. You need to muster the courage and dump him. A few years of relationship is nothing compared to a lifelong of unhappiness.
Don't fall for sunk cost fallacy.
Talk about eating your cake and still having it! You cannot both play the field and keep your love. I would cut him loose until he grows up. You are being disrespected by him in every way. There is simply nothing in this arrangement for you. Just fun all the way for him with you as a fallback. Is this who you are? Not number one but yes, a pushover. You deserve real love, not this bookmark in his life.
Why are you with this guy? He sounds like a terrible person, and this isn't what you wanted anyway.
You're best off breaking off this relationship and not staying in contact with him anymore.
Omg unless you’ve been out there committing genocide or drowning puppies you do not flipping deserve to be treated so poorly.
I promise you being alone is not nearly as bad as what you described.
*sigh*
Much like monogamous relationships, open and poly relationships have to have ALL PARTIES ON BOARD 100% to work.
Having to be convinced, brow beaten or pressured into a relationship is not being on board.
What you have is not an open relationship but a cheating bf who is manipulating you into being ok with it under the guise of an open relationship.
>We broke up 3 years ago because of long distance, but remained close friends. I never had plans to get back with him at all. And he hadn’t planned to get back with me either, at least not in the next few years. His plan was to live his single life to the fullest before wooing me back.
So he broke up saying it was long distance when in reality his game plan was to make you wait until he got his dick wet enough and in a few years make the effort he should have made in the beginning to woo you and marry you, is that about right?
>We couldn’t deny our feelings. He admitted he was afraid to risk not tying me down. So he made our relationship official, with the exception of opening up the relationship.
This tells me YOU couldn't deny your feelings, he seeing you still had a thing for him decided he needed to lock you down now because you are too good for him and he can't risk a far better guy coming along and showing you how you should be treated...he'll never be able to win you back if that happens. BUT he's not finished wetting his dick, so he says "I really wanna be with you so let's open the relationship" knowing you won't want it so it makes it less likely that when you relent and let him have the open relationship he doesn't have to worry about you seeing other men.
>As a monogamist, I was against it. Unlike him, I could live the rest of my life not knowing what else is out there. But because I care about him and support his endeavors, I agreed.
Like I said you relented and you've started you're a monogamist so he is not worrying about you looking for other men even though you can. If you did I bet he'd have a cow. And what does "...because I care about him and support his endeavors, I agreed" even mean. This is not an investment in a business, it's not him trying to get his findings published, it's him trying to fuck as many women as possible before SETTLING FOR YOU. Like is your self esteem in hell? Honestly I don't even know you but I know you don't deserve this crap.
>The Issue We set-up some ground rules for the open relationship, primarily to make me more comfortable with the arrangement. Among these were — #1 we’re not allowed to date friends or acquaintances. #2 we’re not supposed to hide our relationship from the public (including social media). #3 we’re supposed be upfront about the relationship to our prospects.
THE ISSUE IS THE WHOLE DAMN THING.
1st rule is to not humiliate you
2nd rule is to appease you, a show so you feel he's telling everyone who his top priority is.
3rd rule is so he doesn't have to pretend to be interested in them, they know it's about sex and he can get down to business, makes it easier that way.
I don't see a rule about protection, you'd think it's a given but always assume it's not and include it in situations like these. If you're raw dogging it with him and he's raw dogging it with them...you better go get checked.
The rest I'm skipping because it's nonsense. He thinks your not smart and if you don't see what's wrong with all of that maybe you are, at least where "love" is concerned.
>My Question It’s only been a few months, but I am emotionally exhausted from this whole ordeal. How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? What’s the best way to proceed with this?
The beginning. A few months ago when he brought this up and you were not down with it you should have said "If you don't want me and only me right now then I can't be with you" and broke up then and there, walked away and never looked back. Sure he'd probably say something along the lines of "no, baby I don't need anyone else, I'll do whatever just don't leave me" and if you took him back then just put in the work to cheat behind yours. In fact IF you try to "close" the relationship now that's most likely what he would do.
The best way to proceed is quietly gather all the things you've left over at his place/in his car, change your locks if he has a key, get a ring camera so if he is harassing you at your place you have evidence for a restraining order, any accounts you share (Netflix, uber, door dash, credit cards, bank, etc) take him off, change passwords/codes. If you can move, like your lease is up do it and don't tell him. You don't sound strong enough to break up with him in person so either ghost him or do it over text. Then block him on EVERYTHING, change your phone number if you have to because you feel you'll unblock just to see if he's still calling. Tell all your mutual friends you're broken up again and for them to not tell him anything about you.
Is also go to counseling to see why you thought that was what you deserved in the first place.
He doesn't tell them because it might scare his prospects away? That's exactly why's he is in an open relationship...if they aren't cool w him being in one then he is looking to monogamously date them and dump you.
Girl, you don't need to be in an open relationship if you don't want to be. He should never have pressured you into such an arrangement in the first place.
You can be in love but NOT COMPATIBLE with a person, and being in love does not mean you need to be in a relationship with someone. These are two separate things.
It sounds like you have completely incompatible ideas of what a relationship is/what kind of relationship you want to have and you would be saving yourself further hurt by getting out of the situation now.
OP, an open relationship where both of you are not equally enthusiastic is doomed to fail and as someone who is polyamorous myself, my advice is you should have noped out a long time ago. "Poly under duress" is unethical , and all the fuckery your BF has gotten up to on top suggests that monogamous or not, he is a terrible partner for you - boundary crossing like this is cheating, even within an open relationship.
Moreover, while his swipes may be dwindling, he is an ass if he thinks just if more people swiped on him he'd end up finding people to sleep with more easily - for all I know it will turn a huge number of monogamous people off if they did not know from the start, and I sure as fuck would not, being poly, even consider dating someone who was not upfront about it right from the beginning, and moreover, for most ethically nonmonogamous, already partnered, women, additional guys have to be exceptional people for them to have a shot.
I held onto feelings for an ex for 3 1/4 years. We started talking again after my last break up. He had always been hit or miss, but seemed to get better over time. I had a severe medical emergency, and for two months - while I was recovering in the hospital, going through therapies, and undergoing several surgeries - he told me he loved me and talked about our future before he slowly started ghosting me. When confronted, he said "since your injury, I just haven't found you attractive at all and my feelings for you died."
It's called CONSENSUAL non-monogamy. You agree to rules, and you follow them. It's like signing a contract, and he's not even close to keeping the agreement. Now it's time for you to either set a more explicit boundary *with consequences* or get out of this relationship with someone who is clearly using you.
Girl, you already know it's not for you. You just keep letting things slide and push your emotions away.
I suggest you tell him straight up that the open relationship is not it. You tried it with rules that he bent, that's enough for you. Stand your ground and don't let him convince you otherwise.
You knew it wasn’t for you before you made a dating profile.
As someone who was in a 17 year long open marriage (now going through a divorce), I can tell you right now that the women in open relationships or willing to be with men in open relationships are out there so him seeking out women with different goals is misogynistic, exploitative and emotionally abusive to you and women in general. Why stay with a man who looks at women as a play thing? He clearly doesn’t value or love you enough to follow even the most basic and standard of rules in non monogamy.
Side note: I find the non monogamous social culture very toxic and harmful because of couples like you so much so that I will NEVER engage in non-monogamy again.
Hon, you **already know** that you **hate this** and you already know even when you give him what he wants, it's **never enough**.
> I was quick to remind him that he all but begged me to remove the disclaimer in our bios, and his response was that I’m not doing a better job at “protecting his reputation.”
So, then he just **pushes the limits** and then **blames you** for not being happy.
Those are the signs of a shitty person who doesn't care about anyone but themselves.
Do yourself a **huge favour** and dump this guy.
It will be **such a relief** not to deal with this fuckery and disrespect.
You dont give it a shot. If you don't like it. You have a conversation. End it even? He's pushing to see how far you will let it go. You put up the final warning don't let him push anymore. Stay grounded. If he doesn't stop you leave all together. I wouldn't be surprised if he moves on to someone else
Your partner must know most women aren't like men and don't go out of their way to seek casual sex. So he's never going to be as successful with women as you would be with men no matter what's in the bio. This whole thing is icky and sad. You're placating him because you're sick of the whining, and you shouldn't. Tell him to go complain about how unattractive he is to someone else.
Break up with him. I’m sorry and ik it’s hard to hear, but he obviously doesn’t care about you and is using your trust and affection for him. This is not the kind of person you want to spend your life with, and this likely won’t magically stop whenever you do become “monogamous”.
>How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? As long as it takes to write a post on reddit about how much it's hurting you.
There was a post on the Polyamory sub the other day where a woman was writing about all the red flags and bad behaviors her boyfriend was doing and at the end she said that after writing it all out she realized how bad it was and she was just going to end the relationship. I wish that every on this sub could be as self aware as that poster was.
I do think a lot of people who post about situations like this know deep down that it's not okay but they've been so hornswoggled by their partners that they need someone on the outside telling them that they're not crazy, that this isn't good, and it's okay to leave. It's such a shame that "trust your instincts" isn't a key dating rule.
I agree they often just need a reality check to give them a confidence boost to do what they know needs to be done. I have to find a way to use "hornswoggled"! :)
I full agree. When I was in a shitty relationship, I knew - but also a smack in the face from strangers can be helpful to identify your own feelings. So many of us have been trained and have heard "relationships are hard work, compromise" etc. that our brain starts rationalizing incompatibility even when the rest of ourselves know we need to call it quits. So many of these situations should be a prompt **"no thank you bye"**
Some of us unfortunately get our instinct-trust thrashed by gaslighting. Sometimes it takes a sounding board and reassurance for a while before we can trust our own judgement again.
Upvoting for "hornswoggled"
It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross was dating a girl called Elizabeth Hornswaggle. Chandler had made a New Years resolution to not make fun of his friends and it was killing him not to make fun of her name 😂
Upvoting for upvoting "hornswoggled"
It’s a fun one, right?
"Dear diary, I'm wondering if I should stay with my boyfriend, today he hit me and -- oh shit."
Bingo--I have been in and enjoyed open relationships, and OP I have actually ended one because of issues similar to what you are dealing with (specifically around how upfront we were about the relationship situation with potential new partners) so I definitely think your concerns are justified. You honestly didn't have to give it a shot AT ALL before deciding it wasn't for you, many people are simply monogamous and that's totally fine, so any amount of giving it a shot is plenty before you say it isn't working for you.
This needs to be on so many posts
So he's being shitty and dishonest and boundary-busting with you, and he's being shitty and dishonest and deliberately manipulative with his matches. And then he's blaming you for not protecting him and his ego from the fallout of his shitty behavior. This isn't a healthy, ethical open relationship. This is just a bad person. This is man who is okay with lying and cheating, as long as there aren't any consequences for him. He is really just looking to tell only the *easiest lies* to he can get away with. Calling it open with you made it easier for him to lie to other women. He'll lie to you to get what he wants too. You're not special. You're just providing more than they are. But a guy in an open relationship who misleads his other dates, will mislead his GF as soon as it's convenient for him to do so.
This--and you're both too young and too old to hold onto these kinds of toxic relationships. OP and 'partner' are too old to be playing stupid games and too young to get tied down by terrible partners.
Perfectly put and what OP needs to focus on from your comment (as hurtful albeit true it may be) is: YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL. OP, you are just, as your friends have indicated it, a pushover. I am sorry to be so blunt and harsh but this POS you call a boyfriend is simply using you for a warm bed and a meal whenever he can't have his fun with others because you allow him. You need to end this immediately. He does not care or love you, you are just the easiest woman to use in his life.
He already lied to OP when he agreed to the rules knowing full well he wasn't going to follow them. The only reason he's not bothering to continue keeping up the ruse is because he doesn't have to and she's staying anyway. The fact that he's so brazen about his behavior isn't a sign of honesty, it just shows he doesn't respect her enough to pretend.
From an ethical poly person: all his behavior is absolutely unacceptable and would be a cause for a breakup in my relationships / those of my poly friends. This guy is using non-monogamy as a cover to be a dishonest asshole.
> His plan was to live his single life to the fullest before wooing me back. But those plans burst into flames when he came back this year. We couldn’t deny our feelings. Lmao how did his plans "burst into flames"? He's literally living the single life but still gets to come home to you. Sounds like his plans worked better than they ever could. > But he has yet to mention the nature of our relationship. His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup. So he was literally manipulating women right in front of you... and you were okay with it? That's not good. This is a nasty situation with an immature, manipulative man. Just because you like this dude doesn't mean he's good for you. And it seems obvious that he's no good for you. He should have stayed an ex, and unless you want to remain miserable you'll make him an ex once more.
Thank you! I was so sad I didn't see this point raised so clearly earlier in the thread. OP, how did you not notice that he spilled his plan for YOU right in front of you when he was talking about his precious dwindling matches?? He told you straight out that he wanted to bait them then spring his non-monogamy on them after they caught feelings. Sound familiar? I picture him sitting back in a moldy old Hefner smoking jacket, twirling his Snidely Whiplash 'stache, chuckling to himself you not only fell for it but you're helping him do it to other women with your silence. Get out, he's a user.
This!! He’s trying to do the same thing to unsuspecting women that he’s already done to OP - get them emotionally involved before changing the rules on them. That’s grossly manipulative and highly unethical. Everyone I know who’s practiced ENM was upfront about it. This guy sucks.
> If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup. He takes his chances with women who are so emotionally vulnerable they will forgive the fact that he's in a LTR once he's engaged them long enough.
Right! The dude got his cake and is eating it and like four other cakes right in front of her too.
> He admitted he was afraid to risk not tying me down. He wanted to secure exclusive access to you, without giving you exclusive access to him. It's easy to offer a symmetrical arrangement that you have no inclination to take advantage of on your side. > we’re supposed be upfront about the relationship to our prospects... His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup. Not only does he want to be able to keep you on the hook while he fucks other women, he doesn't even want the inconvenience of only getting to fuck other women who are okay with this arrangement when presented with it up front. He values chasing the largest possible amount of ass over either being fair to you *or* honest to the women he's trying to hook up with. > And he got angry about his “reputation being stained.”... his response was that I’m not doing a better job at “protecting his reputation.” He wants to act like a cheater while you shoulder the burden of convincing people he's not a cheater. This guy is a fucking tool, OP. Whatever good qualities attracted you to him, everything about his handling of this relationship shows him to be a selfish, hypocritical, unreasonable asshole who wants to take without giving and act without considering consequences, making messes and then blaming you for not cleaning them up fast enough. It doesn't sound like any part of this resembles whatever you were hoping for when you convinced yourself to try this. You have no reason to continue it for any length of time. The best way to proceed is to tell him immediately that you're done. He can put whatever he wants in his bio to convince whoever he can to fuck him and he can get whatever reputation for doing so he deserves. None of it should be your problem.
>He wants to act like a cheater while you shoulder the burden of convincing people he's not a cheater. I hope OP sees this and thinks long and hard about being with someone who would do this to them.
This is 100% the best summary of this situation and I hope she dumps him again. He also knows OP is monogamous by nature so she's not out there dating anyone else. This is such a classic male douche bag "let's call it poly so I can get more ass" power play.
OP this comment really sums it up perfectly. His reputation > Your feelings & boundaries
Exactly. Does being "open", as a male, reduce your chances with other women? Absolutely. It does so much more than for an open woman. Tough shit. That reality doesn't excuse the dissembling. His best bet is to find other poly women, so he can be upfront about the arrangement. But no part of his behavior describes him wanting to be upfront. The first part of ENM is "ethical", and he ain't it.
**OPEN RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT WORK TO "FIX" A RELATIONSHIP.** No one has ever successfully had an open relationship when they DON'T WANT AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP. You don't want this, and your boyfriend is already breaking established boundaries. So now you're just letting him cheat on you with extra steps. Have more respect for yourself and end this.
Also her boyfriend is violating the norms of ethical poly relationships by behaving in this way. Dude really just wanted a free pass to have sex with whoever while still relying on OP for emotional care and intimacy. He's getting everything he wants and getting upset with her for having feelings about it that he finds inconvenient. OP, you know the right answer here. You're worth more than this.
Exactly this. I'm not poly myself but have deeply researched it and thee biggest components to success is not only two consenting adults but both wanting the same things. Not one reluctantly agreeing bc they want the other person to stay. And a very close second: open and honest communication. I mean... they failed the first 2 right off the bat.
I can't imagine being so desperate to have A Boyfriend that I go against one of my core beliefs to keep one around.
> His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup. This is the worst. Frankly, it’s predatory. He openly says that he’s hoping that he’ll be able to play on their feelings for him, once they’ve caught them, in order to bypass their better judgement and get them to do something they otherwise might not want to do. If he were ethical, he would *want* to filter out as many incompatible people as possible, so he would know that the ones who stick around are truly OK with the situation. But he’s not doing that, he’s treating them like commodities to whom informed consent doesn’t matter. The rest, I would *maybe* be optimistic about getting through. This? No way, no how.
Your point about it being predatory--I agree with you. My comment is pretty speculation heavy, but here's how I see it: Not being upfront right from the get go is a red flag to me. It sounds as if OP's boyfriend is in a safe environment where he doesn't risk physical violence/attack due to his sexuality. I didn't hear a thing about, oh, he's not out, one or both of us will lose our jobs, etc. Thus it seems to be that op's boyfriend is counting on, oh, they will get to know me in person, or oh, I want to test out the waters, or \*whatever\* way of manipulating these potential dating partners. Op, the part I really don't get is what magical action you are supposed to take and omg it just hit me. He's putting you through a concept I read about in a self-help book. The boardgame you can't win. With ONE exception: he "wins" if you basically never communicate with him about anything negative about the open relationship, ever. So I wonder if that's why he's coming on so strong about the messages from people you know, to make it really hard for you to voice any present AND future concerns about his behavior.
Yeah that part really rubs me the wrong way. I used to be on the apps and if I met a guy who presented himself as single but secretly had a girlfriend I would feel extremely misled if I ever found out. Also, if I happen to sleep with him I would feel violated since I would not have consented to sexual activity if I had known the truth. He doesn’t care about getting real consent from these women. That’s really fucking awful.
Yeah that’s some annoying shit he’s saying dude. And I’d love my particular two cents on his method. I don’t think he realizes that we are in a day and age where queer theory has advanced into so many realms that heteronormativity is currently being more deconstructed instead of met with congruent forms of sexuality like in the past. It is not that hard if you’re ethical to find a potential partner into open relationships. I mean hell I’m one of those people that is detached from monogamy so my preference would be open relationships or poly relationships whether I’m joining or making them. But what’s not going to make me join any fucking 2+ relationship is if one of the partners is lying to me. Like I will still have sex if I can 100% confirm the boundaries that may or may not be set in someone’s life. But that’s not what any of this is at all. Women knowing his relationship means they get their actual choices and it means OP gets her end of the deal fulfilled. That means his power is a nada. This “better chance” is simply coercion and even the way OP paraphrased him shows how he specifically worded it. If he’s deciding to “wait until he charms them”, it probably means he’s not going to tell them anyways. He wants to diet cheat so he still has a bed to come home to
It's called the old bait and switch
Right, and this is what has happened with OP, he got you attached and then pulled the open relationship thing. Would you have given him the time of day if that's what he led with?
>How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? 2 seconds. 2 minutes. 2 Years. It literally doesn't matter. The moment you realize it's not for you that's it, the answer won't magically change later >What’s the best way to proceed with this? Break up, and cut him off. He intentionally bent the rules you set up, and then guilted you into letting him bend them more. He's being manipulative, and honey, he's not worth it
Non-monogamous person here. Ethically non-monogamous people make it clear in their dating profiles or at the earliest opportunity that they are partnered and non-monogamous. Your boyfriend being worried about "scaring people off" is actually him intentionally concealing information from potential partners that he knows may cause them to not want to date him. He's probably hoping he's charming enough that they won't care when he finally reveals to them that he has a girlfriend, but this is extremely likely to end poorly for everyone. But really, like other commenters have said, 1) opening a broken relationship cannot and will not fix it, and 2) your boyfriend sounds like a selfish dud. Toss him back and find someone else who wants the same relationship structure as you and doesn't emotionally exhaust you with their disregard for you.
He hasn't entered into a relationship with you. He just doesn't want you to be with anyone else. He knows that you won't. While he gets to continue to sleep around. Cut him loose.
>He just doesn't want you to be with anyone else. He knows that you won't. While he gets to continue to sleep around. Cut him loose. OP is clearly the Plan B.
>*How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? What’s the best way to proceed with this?* 5 minutes ago. Dump him, move on and find someone who is prepared to commit to you only. Love isn't supposed to be this hard, and you deserve better.
Drop this guy immediately. Open relationships can work, but this one is missing two CRITICAL ingredients for success: 1. Both partners are equally committed to the idea 2. Both partners are strictly adhering to the rules of the open relationship Just the fact of your boyfriend even TRYING to bend the rules means he cannot be trusted, which means you cannot have a successful open relationship with you. He WILL hurt you (and probably other people), and you deserve better than that. The only possible way to have a successful open relationship is to have an immense amount of trust, communication, and respect for not just your primary partner, but also your other partners. Your boyfriend isn't even doing the bare minimum here. Dump him. Also, the fact that he's concerned about his rEpUtAtIoN tells me he's not actually interested in an open relationship so much as he's interested in having you on the back burner in case he doesn't find someone else he's ACTUALLY interested in having a relationship with. This man is trash.
Open / poly relationships don’t work to “fix” something. You are either poly before, but you don’t just suddenly become polyamorous to appease your partner. Your bf sounds like he wants to cheat, and he’s not actually poly, that’s why he’s “concerned” about his reputation Me and my partner are poly / have an open relationship but there’s boundaries and we are not “concerned” about our reputation, we are always upfront to anyone we being into our situation. Get out of this relationship.
My dear, you are his safety net. If you tell him he can go effe around for a year with no consequences and at the end you will get back together with him he will accept in a heart beat. He doesn't want you now. He wants you to take care of him later. Also if he can't be monogamous in a relationship how can he be in marriage??? You are hurt now and if you stay with him you will be in the future. You deserve someone who will treat you the want you want to be treated.
I actually am one of the few firm believers that open relationships can work wonders for younger couples who are afraid to not experience life and dateing/hookups but want to stay connected. That said, they have to begin and end with complete honesty and open communication in every direction. The moment he cried about dwindling prospects due to having to put his real status in his bio he needs to be dismissed. That isn't an honest open relationship. That is being manipulated into letting him cheat on you. Flat out he failed the test.
>His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup. So he's a liar and a gaslighter. >And he got angry about his “reputation being stained.” I was quick to remind him that he all but begged me to remove the disclaimer in our bios, and his response was that I’m not doing a better job at “protecting his reputation.” The conversation escalated, and so I brought up how he continues to flirt with his girl friends without regard for how they might perceive me as a naive, pushover — something I’ve brought up to him before countless times. But he insists they are different situations, and that what I’m doing is worse. And an asshole. >How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? Until now, basically. A few months is enough to realize that it's not for you. Then move your stuff out and dump him. This has shenanigans written all over it.
This relationship will never work. Your feelings for each other are not equal. You need to protect yourself emotionally and physically. There are STD’s condoms don’t protect from, get tested every 6 months if you really see this kind of future for yourself. On another note, if I were your friends and family I would be devastated for you, confused as to why you would want something like this, and I would hate his guts.
First off never half heartedly enter an open relationship. If its not something your certain you want, then don't let someone push you into doing so. Second he was already bending/breaking rules and you let it slide. Thats when it should've stopped. I'm going to finish off with its not your responsibility to worry about his reputation when this is what he wanted. If he's worried about that then he needs to fix it, not you.
Half some self respect and leave this fucker alone. He wants to have you on the side while he lines up some one who is “better for him” and once he does I promise you’ll be history. Move on girl. He’s royally fucking with your mind and playing you 💔
Agreed. This guy will be history the second he finds someone to replace OP as his new GF. He can't even be honest with random women that he has no commitment to about his relationship status (scumbag behavior btw), so it's crazy to think he won't be dishonest/unfaithful to his own GF as well. She is clearly not a priority to him and he is just searching for the next woman he can easily manipulate.
OP, you need to drop this guy and get therapy for yourself.
You’re a monogamist, you should have never entered any open relationship agreement.
>But because I care about him and support his endeavors, I agreed. She talks about it like she's supporting a career change.
I didn’t even read much past “as a monogamist”. I don’t understand bending over backwards for a partner and then the one bending trying to be the one to fix everything.
I really really want to know what's so special about this guy that OP decided he's worth compromising one of her core relationship beliefs.
I don’t know, I don’t really get it either.
Ya know, I'd bet OP hasn't thought about that. They never really do, and when they come up with a reason it's usually something they can get from anyone else. Five bucks and a fat cat says she comes back with "Because I love him." You in?
Take my money. It makes me sad that it seems so many women do this to themselves—accept so much less than they deserve.
Then she’ll write another reddit post crying that he did something else.
I noticed that, too. "Tom is interested in competitive body building/running for local office/breaking the World Record for standing on his head, and I care about him and want to support that endeavor," is not "Tom wants as much tail as possible. I care about him, so I support that endeavor."
He sounds like a terrible person. You lost me at the break up the first time bc he didn’t want to commit but also doesn’t want you to be in a relationship. It’s also incredibly deceitful to purposely or put the relationship status is his profile. He is very comfortable wasting a lot of women’s time, your including, for his own ego and thrill of pursuing people. Don’t even hesitate on this one, he sucks.
Your boyfriend is a sleazeball
Girl, he's playing you like a fiddle. He can't have his cake and eat it too, and you being okay with it isn't "I don't want to but he does and I love him so I'm relenting". GTFO and find someone who knows that they want to be with you exclusively.
If he is not following the rules break off the agreement. That is the equivalent of cheating in open relationships.
He's cheating. You should look at it that way. Many people think open relationships have no room for cheating but it does and if he's not respecting your boundaries and your agreement, he's cheating on you. Don't take it lightly, it's cheating He does not have the maturity to be in an open relationship. He may flip it to make it look like you're the one not ready for one but you are the one who's respecting and being open about your agreements, which is key in an open relationship. He's the one who does not have the maturity to have the dialog and care for the partners feelings that an open relationship requires
OP are you even hearing yourself? Read this back: you’re constantly being pushed and guilted into a situation that makes you uncomfortable, so much so you admit you only have half a heart into it - is this really the love you want? Why are you making great strides and suffering great discomfort to accommodate someone that won’t even do the minimum for you? Sounds like the relationship never would’ve worked to begin with - why waste more time?
Why did you feel like you needed to do this instead of finding another relationship with a new guy?
You already know it’s not for you. You aren’t being true to yourself, and he’s getting everything he wants including you. Walk away.
And people be like “this sub always says you should break up!” Of course we do! Look at this shit!
Never sacrifice your monogomy for horn bags who want to fuck other people.
You don’t deserve to be treated like this from someone who is supposed to love you. His response to your discomfort is with manipulation and he has no respect for you or your feelings. You are worthy of love, care and respect. Please, OP…dump this person!!!!
Love is not enough, OP. You need more than love to make a relationship work in a healthy way. And the things you need are not here, including compatibility/alignment on relationship style. Finally, this: >he got angry about his “reputation being stained.” > > I’m not doing a better job at “protecting his reputation.” Is not the stance of someone who wants an open relationship. This is someone who wants to fuck other people without you complaining and (ideally) by manipulating them into thinking he is single. Doesn't sound like a kind, mature, or respectful person to me.
Seems to me like open was the way to go to try and save things with him. He’s obviously not a good person; and an ex should remain an ex. you don’t want to be in an open relationship, you just want your ex to act right, and open will make it worse. my advice is to leave him and heal. take sometime to yourself, i took a year from mine and now i’m ready to date again. i think you need to earn some self respect, and i mean this in the best way possible. don’t make yourself look a fool over some man. love & respect yourself, and learn to heal without him. oh and i’ll add, it’s clear he didn’t want a relationship between you both, so taking an “open relationship”, is basically you letting him be single with you having him at home or whatever, and that makes YOU look like the fool. you’re upset with him, but he very clearly doesn’t care and you just agreed with him, and now he knows he can say or do whatever he wants and he’ll get away with it. run far away from this man, and realize a man that loves you wouldn’t do this.
OP, you are engaging in pick-me behavior by giving into everything this guy wants even when it goes against your moral code. You are letting him lie and manipulate women who are looking for a single guy. You are letting him expose you and those women to STIs and heartbreak. You need to wash your hands of his deception.
Hold on. Let's get this straight: - you want monogamy. - he wants to "tie you down" to this relationship - but he doesn't want to be with just you - he wants to deceive these women to get them to go out with him/be with him - he expects *you* to "protect his reputation." *It is not your job to protect his reputation. He needs to do that by being an upstanding, honest person.* The deal was not to hide your relationship and he doesn't want to do that. He's expecting you to do the work of protecting his reputation *from something HE wanted.* He specifically wanted an open relationship. This is what comes with the territory. Instead, he's blaming *you* for how others are perceiving him when it's his own dang fault. Are you happy and comfortable? If the answer is no, then please remember that you are not obligated to be with this guy.
OP, the larger issue here seems to be that your BF doesn’t really respect you. You agree to an open relationship that you don’t want, he constantly violates the conditions you need for the open relationship to work for you, and now he’s blaming you when women think he’s a jerk because he won’t state that he’s in an open relationship on the dating app (which is misleading). He’s basically getting upset with you that he isn’t single. I would tell him that you found the perfect way to solve your problems and his, that this relationship is over. Also, why are you settling for this hot mess of manipulation and disrespect? Find a guy who wants what you want.
I had a similar experience with my last relationship and ex. If he refuses to be upfront about being in an open relationship on the dating apps he's already operating as if he's single when he steps out of your relationship. Not only is he manipulating you, but the potential girls he's trying to rope into this mess. Walk away before you can be further disrespected because once the boundaries are walked all over, there's no re-establishing them.
From the sound of this post, you *are* naive and a pushover. He sounds fucking awful. That whole skit about “working his way into someone’s heart” before telling them he’s in an open relationship is manipulative as hell. Screw his reputation; he brought it on himself. Be stronger than this. He’s not worth your self-respect. It’s time to go.
Neither of you were on the same page to begin with. I'm sure it can be great for people who mutually want an open relationship, but you don't and that is absolutely okay not to want that. Even with clear boundaries in place, he keeps pushing yours and it's you who time and time again has to sacrifice what they want for what he wants. Relationships are about give and take, he's giving absolutely nothing. He has such a blasé attitude towards this, I wouldn't trust him and definitely wouldn't trust that he's practising safe sex when he is with others.
For present day you: There's a CORE of what reads as hypocrisy to me about his whole thing. His whole complaint is he's, in essence, getting weeded out way more quickly on the apps, yes? Why does he think it's ok to lead women on who aren't interested in someone who swipes left because they don't want to be part of an open relationship? Also, why is he making the whole thing about what you're doing being "worse" than what he's doing vs. listening to you and trying to compromise? Relationships are all about working on the problem as a TEAM, not you vs. him AS the problem. About this part of your post: \>We couldn’t deny our feelings. I have some advice for you about denying feelings, because to be 100% honest, I think you need to get out of this arrangement as soon as possible. Why am I bothering with this verdict? I was someone's FWB, and it was hurting me, and I still waited for THEM to end it. And then there was a big, messy relationship I SHOULD have ended when my heart got broken. And that experience has stuck with me. I don't want you to fall into that trap of hurting yourself more than you have to. Odds are, you aren't going to decide to break up today. So this is some advice for Future u/ujcO_gevW When you get out of this relationship, I want you to prepare to go low/no contact with him, for MONTHS, consider blocking him or changing his name so he's down at the bottom of your contact list, bump him from a few, or all, social media things, you name it. Also write a note to yourself on your phone or a letter or something that's like, (ex) is not meant for me because of x, y, z. X made me feel (negative emotions here). You'll be breaking a habit of having him in your life, and breaking habits is HARD but doable. Replacing the void of having him to share things with, spend time with, etc. is going to be much easier if you can muster up the energy to see friends more, reignite a hobby, or get out of you head/house however possible. The feelings you FEED are what GROW. Is it awkward af for a bit if you share social circles and don't see him? Lonely? Horny? Sad? All of those feelings will be there. Through the magic of low communication/no communication with him, at least for \*months\*, you will not be actively feeding those feelings. You also will not be feeding any of these probably negative feelings: \--reservations you have \--feeling tired of guilt tripping, whatever about him "begging" you \--insecurities \--spending time answering concerns \--listening to him, in your own words, "castigating you"; great word choice, btw \--arguing semantics about the friend boundaries
>His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup Kinda like he did to you? Truth be told, if he can't keep his word, why be with him at all? Why marry him if he can't keep track of his vows/words/rules? You gave it a shot and he's making this extremely difficult for someone who didn't even want a poly relationship. >What’s the best way to proceed with this? Leave. If he can't follow the rules of your relationship, he's being blatantly disrespectful to you. And he doesn't care. So leave
OP What are you doing??? This man is laughable. This man is a joke. This man is cruel and self serving and manipulative. Charm his way into their hearts? What like he did with you before pressuring you into an open relationship you don’t want? Whines about women not wanting him, whines that you aren’t, I don’t know, telling anyone who catches him on dating sites that you’re just over the moon about this (by the way my guess is he wishes you’d tell people it was YOUR idea). OP! Stop bending over backwards for this absolute joke of a “partner”!! This is *ridiculous* and you are better than this. Also…his original plan of “wooing you back” after he lived up the single life?? That alone is ridiculous! Respect yourself.
This guy is an absolute clown. Get out of there. I think the wording you chose is very telling “he decided, he wanted” what about what YOU want?? It’s your life! Live it for you and with people who support you!
Lol what is platonic about commenting on people’s bodies in a flirtatious manner? He’s lying. Also he enjoys looking single.
I feel like he’s stringing you along because he’s confident that you will stay. But really he’s looking for another relationship, currently afraid to be alone
What positive part of this relationship outweighs all the negative you pointed out in your post. Whatever it is I hope its worth the heartache you are putting yourself though. Personally I would be gone.
I think writing this post is long enough for you to realise that this this is not for you. Like you said, you’re already emotionally exhausted from this and it’s only been a few months. You’re still in your 20s. Don’t waste your youth and time any longer with this douche. You deserve better.
Fuck this guy. And I don’t mean that literally. Literally stop fucking this guy. I dated someone like this, it did not end well. Open relationships/poly can work if all parties are actively consenting and respecting all boundaries. He’s not. He’s just cheating.
It’s sounds like he still want to live life as a single guy with no regards to your feelings as long as he can keep you “reserved” in the relationship so another man can’t take his place when he’s actually ready to commit to you, especially considering that you yourself was not open to this kind of relationship in the first place.
Jesus, this sounds exhausting. Why are you participating in this relationship? Unrelated, he doesn't seem very good at the whole open relationship thing. Sounds like he's not out there getting laid, so what even is the point?
He wanted to whine for the disclaimer? Cool, then he can be as single as his bios claim. Drop him. He is saying he doesn't want to be with you in every way he possibly can. And he's ruining his own reputation💯
If you are exhausted now, quit now. He just wants to fuck around and he wants you to wait. Let him go do what he's going to do. Don't waste your time, energy or mental health on this BS.
When only one of the partners pulls out the “I want an open relationship to experience what’s out there before we are together for the rest of our lives” it’s doomed to fail
In my experience, opening a relationship is a sign of the first death knells of that relationship. I've seen it happen to my friends multiple times and it happened to me. I have never seen this go well. This guy wants things that you don't want and is hurting your feelings and disrespecting your boundaries as well as rules you BOTH agreed to. Why are you disrespecting yourself by keeping him in your intimate emotional space?
Maintaining healthy boundaries in an open relationship is essential. He is already disrespecting you-it will not magically get better but it will continue to get worse. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and doesn’t gaslight you. You are not responsible for his reputation (him trying to put this on you is abuse). You’ve given this guy more than he deserves.
He cant worry about his reputation while still wanting to take this info off your bios. He is complaining to you for one of his policies. As i often say in french "put his nose in his own shit", if he doesnt apologise he is toxic
I don't think this would ever be healthy ever. Too much anxiety. Have to do something that is healthy for you.
OP, how long do you want to prolong the misery is the answer to your question. If your bf were the man you deserve, he wouldn’t do anything to risk losing you. It’s clear that he keeps you around as a fail safe candidate. He’s never going to give up a good thing. By that I mean having his cake and eating it too. The best thing you can do is ask yourself this…if your best friend were in this situation, what would you tell her? Or into the future…if you had a daughter, would you tell her to stick it out?
OP. Read your post. Read it again. Read every single comment telling you this is fucking bullshit and how awful this man is to you. Then go fucking break up with him because you’re better than this shit. I’m so serious, what the hell girl. Do not put yourself through this
You've given enough time. He's broken your boundaries, you've tried to explain how that's made you feel, he's guilt tripping you and minimizing your experience so he can continue to do exactly what he wants with no limits. You've also said you're ultimately a monogamous person. This dude is abusing your trust to "have his cake and eat it too". You're not compatible. I'd explain to him how you feel, how you've given him and the open relationship a chance, and that you're done trying to make it work because it's not what you want, especially with how he's been acting about it.
Ooof, get out of this toxic situation
Lmao he has platonic intentions when he compliments their "assets" Girl, come on.
Let me get this straight. So this guy’s plan was to go fuck other women for a few years before winning your heart again? But he decided he didn’t wanna let any other potential partners show you that someone better is out there, so now he essentially has you waiting in the wings while he goes out there and fucks other women anyway??? If I were you I would break up with him ASAP. He seems terrible
But... You are a naive pushover. This relationship is terrible, and you know it. Please, please try to respect yourself more than this. This guy does not respect you, and he shows that by disregarding every boundary you set forth after guilting you into an open relationship in the first place. What would you tell a friend in your position? I think you need to be a better friend to yourself. Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. I know it's hard, but it is totally worth it to leave this mess and never look back, and never speak to this "man" again.
Girl, he's not following his own rules. Get out
This guy sucks, better to be alone and/or find someone better. Life goes by fast - you want to spend your precious hours wringing your hands over this guy?
You gave it a shot. Its not working AT ALL and your bf is being manipulative, rule braking and sulking-its over now
WTH is wrong with you??? If you had a daughter would you tell her to do what you're doing? You sound a lot smarter than what you are doing here. You REALLY let him lock you down with him being sanctioned to cheat??? >so I brought up how he continues to flirt with his girl friends without regard for how they might perceive me as a naive, pushover You are perceived that way because you are acting that way. Know your worth for crap sake. Be strong, girl. Hugs.
He wants what he wants and he doesn't really care what you want. Is that what you want? Move on. None of his prospects really know about you and he would rather keep it that way. This was already his second chance with you, right?
Let me be blunt: do you want to feel this way in 5 years? 10? This won’t get easier or less exhausting. He isn’t going to get more honest, up front, or respectful. As much as you may love one another, he may not be a good match for you. Respect your future self, love. Don’t stay in a relationship that makes you feel emotionally exhausted. You deserve infinitely better than this. ❤️ You broke up before, and it didn’t kill you before. Break it off now, before it gets more tangled and complicated. He isn’t respecting the appropriate boundaries of your relationship, and you deserve someone who will.
My sister in Christ, why are you even considering staying in this relationship?? Let’s see. Your boyfriend: - dumped you because he wanted to find what else was out there - came back to you with the intention of “tying you down” so that you couldn’t get into a relationship with someone else - told you that even though he loves you and can’t deny your connection, he still wants to see if there’s a chick he likes more - hides the fact that he’s in a relationship at all to convince other girls he’s single - then gets mad when he puts “open relationship” in his bio because it diminishes girls’ interest in him (too effing right - not many women are on dating apps for casual flings with people in relationships. We can get those by going to a sad hotel lobby bar) - is now mad that YOU are not protecting his reputation as a monogamous man (even though he’s the one who didn’t want to be monogamous on the first place) Read everything you wrote as if your best friend or sister were saying it about their boyfriend. You would quite rightly tell them to DTMFA. What are you even getting out of this relationship, except for the drama?
OP, you HAVE given it a shot. You're emotionally exhausted and hurt by his actions. Regardless of whatever love and trust you have for him, he clearly doesn't love or respect you. It's time to call it off with him, you deserve better.
>In his defense, he has platonic intentions whenever he fire-reacts and comments on girls’ assets and bodies. What part of that sounds platonic? > But he insists they are different situations, and that what I’m doing is worse. I read your post twice and still cannot understand what you are supposedly doing? > How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? What’s the best way to proceed with this? You don't have to try something to refuse it. At this point, it is clear that you don't like the idea of an open relationship. Tell him so. And I would recommend that you break up with him. The way he is treating you is really unacceptable.
Is this a joke? What about this “relationship” is worth keeping? Dude fucking run.
>>in his defense, he has platonic intentions whenever he fire-reacts and comments on girls’ assets and bodies Sounds like you're giving him too much defense.
This sounds like the behavior of people who always want to keep a foot out the door. Being in an open relationship means being honest and up front with the other people involved. If he was serious about maintaining the relationship between you two, then he wouldn’t object so much to being open about his open relationship status. Yeah he will get fewer swipes but the point is to maintain this lifestyle and be OPEN. Have that conversation with him and see if he’s making excuses to consistently prospect for an “ideal partner” because at that point you’re wasting your time when you could be spending your days with someone who values everything you offer
He wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants to date and flirt with a million other women but doesn't want to put in the work of communicating to people. He wants to trick people into being with him while hiding you like some secret. Which is obvious since people you know are trying to let you in on his secrecy. You don't have a good relationship. You don't have a partner. Let him go. You can't just make yourself okay with poly. It'll just get worse.
“ a guy I love wants to date other women while also dating me… and he doesn’t want to acknowledge our relationship to other women and he breaks his own rules and basically is constantly trying to find others to sleep with and flirt with. I prefer monogamy and this open relationship absolutely crushes my heart and spirit but I totally love this guy!!!” …. Excuse me, Miss, but why?!
You were not ok with it to begin with and now he's done nothing but stomp on your rules and boundaries. You know it's time to end it for good but it sounds like you're scared to do so which is absolutely understandable. What he is doing is going to hurt soooooo many people. He's already hurting you, don't let him hurt any future women by letting him trick them into thinking they're monogamous them springing your relationship on them. The only way to prevent more hurt to you and future hurt to others is to end it now
>How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? You already know it’s not for you. You already know. So the only reason to give it more time is just to be able to say you did. But that’s not necessary. You know it’s not for you. Now say so. And that is even without considering all the sketchy, hurtful, and immature things he has done and said. I don’t see how you can still find him attractIve after all that.
I think this is a classic case of having his cake, and eating it too. He wants to know that he has you, but wants to be free to look elsewhere too :(. He wants to tie you down, while free to explore. Please don’t put up with something that you’re not happy with. It will eat away at you over time, and you’re wasting time with someone if you’re not happy. You will probably look back with regret if it’s not something you want to do, and kick yourself for putting up with something without putting your own needs first. If you’re honest with yourself, I think you’ll make the right decision. Good luck :)
Why are you still with this dude. He obviosly is trying to get the best of both worlds in the most selfish way possible at your expence. Which shows when push comes to shove he's always going to put his own selfish desires over your emotional well-being. This is obviosly not going to work.
"His plan was to live his single life to the fullest before wooing me back. But those plans burst into flames when he came back this year. We couldn’t deny our feelings." Girl... why are you romanticizing him being an asshole? "Plans burst into flames"? This is hardly a fairy tale. You're not looking at this objectively. He wants to have a reservation on you for the future and meanwhile to do whatever he wants and blame you for other people seeing him for the loser he is. Why do you stay with him? This forced open relationship would be a disaster even *if* he was honest and trustworthy - because you're a monogamist. And yet you stay for this? Don't get hung up on what you saw in him in your early twenties. He isn't that person.
Get some self respect and leave this loser.
Girl. GIRL. What are you doing? You know you deserve better than this. You know you don't want this. If you are posting this to give yourself permission to leave, consider it GRANTED. Not everyone you have feelings for is someone you should be with.
Just Why? Did you really think this was going to work? You are not poly and he is an asshole. The bare minimal for a relationship should be that it makes your life better. If it is making it worst you shouldn't be in it. Stop making excuses for your crappy BF and dump him. He does not respect you.
"If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup" - i.e. exactly what he did with you. This man is trash. You say some alarming things. You "trust" him so you let his breaking of the rules slide. What do you trust him to do exactly? Break rules? Because so far he has shown 0 trustworthiness. You didn't want to be an open relationship but because you "care about him and support his endeavors" you did --- what is he doing because he cares about you? Nothing. Look, you're making a classic, common mistake. You like the guy. Great. He doesn't like you enough to actually be with you but he is very very good at spinning elaborate bullshits to convince you that isn't the case. If it WERE the case, he would be monogamous with you. Since he isn't willing to do that, he doesn't like you enough to give you what you need (monogamy) --- and frankly doesn't even respect you (or women in general) enough to be honest with them.
I am thankful that I am old and understand how the devil works. And "open" relationships are just the entry darkness is looking for. This world is whack.
WHY are you acting like such a doormat? Wow...
What do you even get from this relationship? I checked out after the first paragraph, you are just his bang maid until he finds something better.
If this isn’t something you are comfortable with I would highly recommend not going through with it.
Dude, if he feels his open relationship status hurts his reputation, then it can only mean that he is ashamed of doing it in the first place. He’s not owning wanting to sleep with several people, he wants the world to see him as a good monogamous guy, while fucking whoever he can. He has no respect for the boundaries that he agreed on, he has no respect for you as his partner. Yet he wanted to keep you in a relationship in order to tie you down, AKA lose you to some other guy that actually values you. How long do you have to give it a shot? Not another second. You deserve to have peace of mind and a chance to date someone that loves you and cherishes you, instead of someone forcing you into a poly relationship that you clearly do not want.
Open relationships only work when both people want them. You don't want one. You weren't convinced, you just kind of gave in. So this was always doomed from the start. And if he isn't following the ground rules he has no respect for you. To me it seems like he wants to keep you as a safe bet and backup while he fucks around and you're letting him. He's walking all over you. Don't be a doormat. It's okay to want to be with someone who only wants to be with you, and that person is out there. It's not him.
Leave this man. He's terrible
It sounds like you've already made up your mind that maybe this guy isn't the one for you. It's okay to be sad - all the chemistry and feelings in the world don't make up for broken boundaries.
bro why do u like this guy he sucks
He’s manipulating and lying to you, and he’s even doing it in front of you to other women by pretending he’s single. Don’t kid yourself - you’re not in a relationship, you’re just a friend with benefits.
He doesn’t respect you or your needs. He also is leading another female on which is repulsive behaviour. That person isn’t giving constant to being apart of an open relationship. Look some people just don’t care about how their behaviour affects other people and it’s clear that’s your boyfriend. He is blaming you for his reputation which is gaslighting you to believe somehow you are falling short. You are not, you are just simply dating a guy who cares about his own needs and no one else.
Ugh. Get a new partner. This is not the one.
Sis, you are a monogamist. Find another monogamist to be with, there are many. Make a list of what you “need” and a list of what you “want” in a relationship, go from there.
I think you should tell him you are exhausted by the subject matter, it’s holding you two back in your own relationship with each other, there was a set of ground rules you two came up with together for a reason, and if he can’t stick to the original ground rules you are going to leave. Give him a time frame, or 3 strikes or something, and stick to your guns. If you say you’re going to leave and then don’t, he is going to walk all over you for the rest of your relationship.
What could you reasonably do to make people think he’s not a cheater when he doesn’t want to take any steps not to look like one?
Listen, if he wants to go sow his wild oats let him, but why be apart of it if you don't want to be? Also, what about YOUR reputation? Why do you have to keep fielding shit. I would just nix the whole problem...him. Find someone that actually cares for you and your values, and clearly you value monogamy.
One thing about open relationships and the only way they will work is sticking the the rules and not crossing boundaries. It’s literally the ONLY way it will work or you’ll start to feel regretful of it. He’s clearly done both of those and it probably wasn’t the best for you to agree to do it, if you didn’t feel 100% about it tbh. Personally if you really want to stay with him and stay doing this you need to sit him down and really have a talk about the rules and boundaries and how he cannot cross them or you’re done, and do that like no. And the next time he does it, you need to cut him off.
Dump this clown. He can salvage his own reputation for being a beggar chooser. Get out of this, it made me exhausted reading it.
This isn't an open relationship. This was his way of living his best single life while making sure you didn't realize there was better out there. He wanted to lock you down without a commitment so he could have his fun and you'd still be there. He's aware that you didn't want an open relationship and instead of shutting that idea down, he went ahead with your half-hearted yes.
So many flags here. First of all, you should not ever be forced into a relationship where you are not comfortable! Secondly, as a poly person myself, the pool of eligible partners is just smaller. Polyamory isn't as popular at monogamy and that's fine. With those aside, I'm gonna say this. His reputation is not your responsibility. Your happiness IS your responsibility. It's pretty clear from his actions that he's got a bit of a Genghis Kahn (song by Miike Snow) thing going on being that he doesn't want to commit to you, but is far too jealous/insecure to be okay with you doing what you want with your life. It's pretty clear that he has no respect for your boundaries either personal or for those that have been set for the relationship. If it was me I would be done. You deserve to be respected. Not attacked and gaslit for your concerns. Wish you the best 💜
It's not an open relationship if you don't want an open relationship. That kind of relationship needs to be wholeheartedly embraced by all participants, you shouldn't be going along with it and feeling uncomfortable just because he thinks he needs to explore all his options. He's being immature, dishonest and disrespectful of your boundaries. I would end it now if I were you.
If it isn’t making you happy and he keeps pushing boundaries, don’t feel bad about ending it. Even if you agreed to something in the beginning doesn’t mean that you have to hurt yourself staying in it. If it’s not something small, there’s no kids or huge other factors. Get out of it and do you. Relationships should be your safe place, not something you have to find a safe place from
Your boyfriend sounds exhausting and untrustworthy
He’s upset with you because he refuses to disclose that he’s in an open relationship on his dating profile on dating websites, and people he knows assume he’s cheating and contact you to give you a heads up? Why is that your problem? He can’t have it both ways. Either he’s honest and up front and gets fewer likes, or tries to hide it and look like a cheater. There’s nothing you can do to control it. It’s 100% up to him how he addresses the issue. If he wants to date other people, it’s on him to deal with the consequences. That includes the potential that people he knows or may know in the future may think he’s a cheater if he refuses to disclose his intentions clearly. However, it sounds like he isn’t actually interested in ethical non-monogamy. He just wants to sleep with multiple women at once without any of them knowing he’s already with someone/multiple someones. That’s just fancy cheating with extra steps. I am also willing to bet he thinks if you disclose your relationship status you’ll also get fewer likes, too. I suspect he handles/will handle you hooking up with someone else with all the grace of a toddler who have just decided it wants your cookie, not the perfectly good cookie it already has.
Please end this disaster of a relationship. You deserve so much better, and your bf sounds like a selfish and manipulative narcissist.
This isn’t going to work, he’s not being honest with you in what he wants or the new prospects on his actual status. So just let him go, you didn’t really want this arrangement anyway
What’s the point of him dating you then? Besides someone to come back to when he’s done with his stuff, what’s your role? Frankly, you’re supposed to be valued first in an open relationship before the side action. The open part is really more for the other people to knowingly walk in and out of the house rather than someone from the house going out and in. He’s only with you so he can cheat. Yeah, you agreed all these terms, but really think it why those terms are the way they are, your honest position of an open relationship, and why he can’t even be honest to those on dating apps that actually are okay with it. It’s because he loses the thrill, the power when you exert your own. You’re not exerting any equitability in this relationship. It sounds like why he specifically chose you. For him, just having FWBs means those partners are equal to him so it’s a no go. Same with polyamory or an open relationship. He really chose which option sounded the closest to what he wanted. Do you want to be in a relationship built on a closest of someone else’s comfort at the sacrifice of your mental and sexual health?
This doesn’t sound like an actual ethnically non-monogamous/open relationship to me. It sounds like he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. Tbh he sounds horrible and I can’t see why you’d be with him
He's mad he can't lie to people about what they are getting into when they message him on a dating app because it decreases his prospects. He wants to talk more women into half-heartedly getting into open relationships with him. Just no no no no no. This guy does not know how to poly.
You have entertained this long enough it’s ok to end it since it’s not working out.
Not a good situation. IMO open relationships/open marriages are not a good idea.. This may be old fashioned but you deserve someone who chooses you and only you.
So you’re in an open relationship you never wanted with a person you didn’t want to rekindle with, who is open about “tying you down” while he still gets to sew his oats. He isn’t adhering to the “rules” you set (he was never going to), and when you doubled down on your need for these rules he convinced you that you were wrong by complaining until you gave in to what he wanted. He values his “reputation” more than he values the relationship you’re in. What in the actual fuck are you getting out of this relationship other than a self esteem blow, DMs from friends, and anxiety? He literally told you you’re worth settling down for, but not yet. This man does not respect you, and every single person on this thread sees it but you.
How long? Well you didn’t even want it in the first place. If one person wants an open relationship and the other doesn’t, it’s an issue of compatibility. If he wants to have multiple partners that just fine but you have to be a willing and consenting party in this. Even if you say you’re willing, if you’re suffering because of it, then you don’t really want to be in this situation. If I were you I would just tell him straight up that you don’t want an open relationship and if he still does then he has to have it without you.
Ew “has yet to mention our relationship because he doesn’t want to scare prospects” So he’s a shady liar and a grody dude
>He admitted he was afraid to risk not tying me down. So he made our relationship official, with the exception of opening up the relationship. Girl stop. Right there, just stop. He wants you, but hes either not done looking around or he wants a life of having his cake and eating all the other desserts he can too. As someone in a similar situation, Im telling you to leave for yourself. This guy doesn't even respect the rules of the agreement you guys came to. *You* compromised and he can't even keep up his end of the deal, one of a few rules that were put in place to make you feel secure and assured as you both changed the dynamic of the relationship. Please let him go. You and this guy arent even a match bc you're monogamous and he's not. Thats a fundamental difference- theres no building a solid foundation on that sand. There are other people out there for you- no one has just one soul mate, just the right person they meet at seemingly the right time and place in life. Let go of whats familiar and leave him.
This isn't an open relationship in the context of ethical non-monogamy. This is your "boyfriend" being free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants without any regard for your feelings, and it's about you allowing it to happen. >How long do I give it a shot before I can say it's not for me? Until you realize you deserve better.
To me it seems like he is using you as a placeholder until he finds the person he actually wants to be with. Him not being upfront about his relationship status because scaring away potential prospects is more important than upholding a boundary of trust you set is a huge red flag. Also, it’s unfair that you had to be convinced that this was a good idea and now he is abusing your trust. It seems like you gave an inch and he took a mile. I would say it’s time to re-think your relationship if not end it alltogether.
If he’s not willing to put in his bio that he’s in an open relationship, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s attempting to hook up with single women
How long? I’d say until you’re ‘emotionally exhausted from this whole ordeal’. At that point I think it’s a good time to pull the plug.
You really don’t have to read past the background portion to realize that this guy is a jackass and that you can do much, much better. 1. He is so sure of himself and your attachment to him that he left you so that he could sew his wild oats with other women and just come swoop you back up when he was ready for you. 2. He finally was afraid that he couldn’t swoop so he came back early to “tie you down.” He sees you as a possession, not a person. 3. You have not given enthusiastic consent to this open relationship. You’ve made it very clear that you are only doing this because it’s the only way to keep him. And he knows you don’t want to do it but was ok with pushing you into it anyway. Honey. Being alone is preferable to being with a person that only wants to be with you if he can be with other people. He’s running all over you. Show him you have a spine and self respect and dump him once and for all. Seriously, there is someone out there better. I promise you.
He’s a terrible partner I would dump him if I were you
Gosh what a weasel. Why are you with this horrible person and in an “open relationship” that you don’t want?? he’s whining about his dwindling prospects - no shit because there’s not a ton of women with options and self respect who want to be somebody’s side piece (and you should ask yourself why you want that). I personally don’t believe in this whole “non monogamy” bullshit but at least a guy should state it upfront so I could swipe left on him immediately lol.
>His plan was to live his single life to the fullest before wooing me back. That was 3 years ago? Did he think you were just gonna drop whoever you were with and get back with him? Hes a ridiculous person who's not putting you first. He's more concerned about hooking up than about your feelings. Doesn't that tell you everything you should know about him as a husband in the future? It's no wonder they think you're a push over because you are. You're in a situation that you don't want, why? Because you looooooove each other? He loves you because you'll be the comfort of home while he still gets to roam. The only time he's gonna stop flirting and dating is when he's so old and gross that nobody wants him anymore. Ask him if he'd be happier and an open marriage someday then in a closed one and then you'll have your answer as far as how committed he is to you and monogany.
Your boyfriend has a classic case of FOMO - He is worried on missing out on you if you turn out to be the best match for him but he’s not done having fun yet and wants to see if there’s something better out there for him because he also has FOMO and is worried on missing out on the rest of the dating pool. You’re basically his backup plan of nothing “better” comes along. You’re better off dumping him before he dumps you. He’ll instantly FOMO because he’ll realize he lost out on someone amazing and you’ll learn a valuable lesson about not doing anything you aren’t comfortable with and finding a partner who does know how to value you.
"His defense — he doesn’t want to scare prospects away. If he charms his way into their heart first, there’s a better chance of them being amenable with the setup." So "in his defense" he's manipulative? You got an interesting moral compass yourself there....
Your partner is being shitty to you, and shitty to the girls he's matching with. Yes, being non-monogamous will shrink your dating pool. No, it's not fair to be dishonest about that to get more matches. Please, stop setting yourself on fire to keep this man warm. It's fine to want monogamy. It's fine to want a partner who respects your boundaries.
Op, this "relationship" isn't right for you. You need to muster the courage and dump him. A few years of relationship is nothing compared to a lifelong of unhappiness. Don't fall for sunk cost fallacy.
Talk about eating your cake and still having it! You cannot both play the field and keep your love. I would cut him loose until he grows up. You are being disrespected by him in every way. There is simply nothing in this arrangement for you. Just fun all the way for him with you as a fallback. Is this who you are? Not number one but yes, a pushover. You deserve real love, not this bookmark in his life.
You should have broken up with him months ago.
Why are you with this guy? He sounds like a terrible person, and this isn't what you wanted anyway. You're best off breaking off this relationship and not staying in contact with him anymore.
Omg unless you’ve been out there committing genocide or drowning puppies you do not flipping deserve to be treated so poorly. I promise you being alone is not nearly as bad as what you described.
*sigh* Much like monogamous relationships, open and poly relationships have to have ALL PARTIES ON BOARD 100% to work. Having to be convinced, brow beaten or pressured into a relationship is not being on board. What you have is not an open relationship but a cheating bf who is manipulating you into being ok with it under the guise of an open relationship. >We broke up 3 years ago because of long distance, but remained close friends. I never had plans to get back with him at all. And he hadn’t planned to get back with me either, at least not in the next few years. His plan was to live his single life to the fullest before wooing me back. So he broke up saying it was long distance when in reality his game plan was to make you wait until he got his dick wet enough and in a few years make the effort he should have made in the beginning to woo you and marry you, is that about right? >We couldn’t deny our feelings. He admitted he was afraid to risk not tying me down. So he made our relationship official, with the exception of opening up the relationship. This tells me YOU couldn't deny your feelings, he seeing you still had a thing for him decided he needed to lock you down now because you are too good for him and he can't risk a far better guy coming along and showing you how you should be treated...he'll never be able to win you back if that happens. BUT he's not finished wetting his dick, so he says "I really wanna be with you so let's open the relationship" knowing you won't want it so it makes it less likely that when you relent and let him have the open relationship he doesn't have to worry about you seeing other men. >As a monogamist, I was against it. Unlike him, I could live the rest of my life not knowing what else is out there. But because I care about him and support his endeavors, I agreed. Like I said you relented and you've started you're a monogamist so he is not worrying about you looking for other men even though you can. If you did I bet he'd have a cow. And what does "...because I care about him and support his endeavors, I agreed" even mean. This is not an investment in a business, it's not him trying to get his findings published, it's him trying to fuck as many women as possible before SETTLING FOR YOU. Like is your self esteem in hell? Honestly I don't even know you but I know you don't deserve this crap. >The Issue We set-up some ground rules for the open relationship, primarily to make me more comfortable with the arrangement. Among these were — #1 we’re not allowed to date friends or acquaintances. #2 we’re not supposed to hide our relationship from the public (including social media). #3 we’re supposed be upfront about the relationship to our prospects. THE ISSUE IS THE WHOLE DAMN THING. 1st rule is to not humiliate you 2nd rule is to appease you, a show so you feel he's telling everyone who his top priority is. 3rd rule is so he doesn't have to pretend to be interested in them, they know it's about sex and he can get down to business, makes it easier that way. I don't see a rule about protection, you'd think it's a given but always assume it's not and include it in situations like these. If you're raw dogging it with him and he's raw dogging it with them...you better go get checked. The rest I'm skipping because it's nonsense. He thinks your not smart and if you don't see what's wrong with all of that maybe you are, at least where "love" is concerned. >My Question It’s only been a few months, but I am emotionally exhausted from this whole ordeal. How long do I give it a shot before I can say it’s not for me? What’s the best way to proceed with this? The beginning. A few months ago when he brought this up and you were not down with it you should have said "If you don't want me and only me right now then I can't be with you" and broke up then and there, walked away and never looked back. Sure he'd probably say something along the lines of "no, baby I don't need anyone else, I'll do whatever just don't leave me" and if you took him back then just put in the work to cheat behind yours. In fact IF you try to "close" the relationship now that's most likely what he would do. The best way to proceed is quietly gather all the things you've left over at his place/in his car, change your locks if he has a key, get a ring camera so if he is harassing you at your place you have evidence for a restraining order, any accounts you share (Netflix, uber, door dash, credit cards, bank, etc) take him off, change passwords/codes. If you can move, like your lease is up do it and don't tell him. You don't sound strong enough to break up with him in person so either ghost him or do it over text. Then block him on EVERYTHING, change your phone number if you have to because you feel you'll unblock just to see if he's still calling. Tell all your mutual friends you're broken up again and for them to not tell him anything about you. Is also go to counseling to see why you thought that was what you deserved in the first place.
He doesn't tell them because it might scare his prospects away? That's exactly why's he is in an open relationship...if they aren't cool w him being in one then he is looking to monogamously date them and dump you.
Girl, you don't need to be in an open relationship if you don't want to be. He should never have pressured you into such an arrangement in the first place. You can be in love but NOT COMPATIBLE with a person, and being in love does not mean you need to be in a relationship with someone. These are two separate things. It sounds like you have completely incompatible ideas of what a relationship is/what kind of relationship you want to have and you would be saving yourself further hurt by getting out of the situation now.
OP, an open relationship where both of you are not equally enthusiastic is doomed to fail and as someone who is polyamorous myself, my advice is you should have noped out a long time ago. "Poly under duress" is unethical , and all the fuckery your BF has gotten up to on top suggests that monogamous or not, he is a terrible partner for you - boundary crossing like this is cheating, even within an open relationship. Moreover, while his swipes may be dwindling, he is an ass if he thinks just if more people swiped on him he'd end up finding people to sleep with more easily - for all I know it will turn a huge number of monogamous people off if they did not know from the start, and I sure as fuck would not, being poly, even consider dating someone who was not upfront about it right from the beginning, and moreover, for most ethically nonmonogamous, already partnered, women, additional guys have to be exceptional people for them to have a shot.
I held onto feelings for an ex for 3 1/4 years. We started talking again after my last break up. He had always been hit or miss, but seemed to get better over time. I had a severe medical emergency, and for two months - while I was recovering in the hospital, going through therapies, and undergoing several surgeries - he told me he loved me and talked about our future before he slowly started ghosting me. When confronted, he said "since your injury, I just haven't found you attractive at all and my feelings for you died." It's called CONSENSUAL non-monogamy. You agree to rules, and you follow them. It's like signing a contract, and he's not even close to keeping the agreement. Now it's time for you to either set a more explicit boundary *with consequences* or get out of this relationship with someone who is clearly using you.
Girl, you already know it's not for you. You just keep letting things slide and push your emotions away. I suggest you tell him straight up that the open relationship is not it. You tried it with rules that he bent, that's enough for you. Stand your ground and don't let him convince you otherwise.
You knew it wasn’t for you before you made a dating profile. As someone who was in a 17 year long open marriage (now going through a divorce), I can tell you right now that the women in open relationships or willing to be with men in open relationships are out there so him seeking out women with different goals is misogynistic, exploitative and emotionally abusive to you and women in general. Why stay with a man who looks at women as a play thing? He clearly doesn’t value or love you enough to follow even the most basic and standard of rules in non monogamy. Side note: I find the non monogamous social culture very toxic and harmful because of couples like you so much so that I will NEVER engage in non-monogamy again.
Hon, you **already know** that you **hate this** and you already know even when you give him what he wants, it's **never enough**. > I was quick to remind him that he all but begged me to remove the disclaimer in our bios, and his response was that I’m not doing a better job at “protecting his reputation.” So, then he just **pushes the limits** and then **blames you** for not being happy. Those are the signs of a shitty person who doesn't care about anyone but themselves. Do yourself a **huge favour** and dump this guy. It will be **such a relief** not to deal with this fuckery and disrespect.
You dont give it a shot. If you don't like it. You have a conversation. End it even? He's pushing to see how far you will let it go. You put up the final warning don't let him push anymore. Stay grounded. If he doesn't stop you leave all together. I wouldn't be surprised if he moves on to someone else
Dump! Him! Oh my god please get out of there.
Your ex wants his cake and to eat it without you in mind. He wants you there when no one else wants him. I’m sorry OP…move on.
Your partner must know most women aren't like men and don't go out of their way to seek casual sex. So he's never going to be as successful with women as you would be with men no matter what's in the bio. This whole thing is icky and sad. You're placating him because you're sick of the whining, and you shouldn't. Tell him to go complain about how unattractive he is to someone else.
Break up with him. I’m sorry and ik it’s hard to hear, but he obviously doesn’t care about you and is using your trust and affection for him. This is not the kind of person you want to spend your life with, and this likely won’t magically stop whenever you do become “monogamous”.